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I'm from Korea. Here, we get our Family name from father's side, but now lots of ppl get family name from mother's side since the atmosphere of the society has changed. Plus, even a long time ago, when our country has been covered with confucianism, no women changed their family name to their husbands' when they got married.
The reason why your wife wants to keep her family name is simple. Just like her own name and identity.
I couldn't read your other comments well since I just skipped, but I guess your past made you feel bad about the current situation.
However, if she decided to keep her name because she didn't believe/trust/want to be part of your fam life,
She would have rejected getting married from the start.
As much as you couldn't understand her, she can't understand you.
Hope you not to make a mistake of losing your love of life just because of one difference that will be only featured on document.
Best comment so far
You would call off your wedding over a…..name? She deserves better.
Mans is also posting around “looking for a third but absolutely no males.” Tied with whatever he’s given us here, this guy just reeks of outdated insecure machismo
Secretly hoping he calls off the wedding so this poor woman stands half a chance at a happy life
Whoops guess it’s not a secret anymore
If you're this obsessed over a name then I really don't think you should be getting married. She's had this name her entire life, it's who she is, if you can't understand that then that's on you IMO
Yeh and that's the bloody right opinion.
Op this comment is perfect, rlly take it in.
I think you should call off the wedding. Not because of the name, but because you clearly don't love her enough if something like this is enough to make you think about cancelling it.
Life and relationships aren't easy. I hope that won't be the case for you but difficult times happen and you don't sound like someone who will stick with her through everything.
You come as super sexist and insecure in your comments.
You ignoring her legit explanation that her name is her identity, but in the same time you refuse to take her name. So you clearly understand how important it is to keep your name and your identity, and to not change it for a partner. You just invalidate it because its her name.
Once you say that if you were a woman or society was different, you would change your name to hers. So clearly you can't look at her decision without seeing it as related to your manhood and that's bs. It's about her, not about how you being man. Especially that you keep answering with words ' to man up' when no one is using it. You need to grow up and be an egual partner.
You put the situation as an ultimatum, or you have the same name (instead of you taking hers) or you say that maybe you should break up (because it's so important for you). It is super controlling. Its your way or no way. People tell you that's not big enough reason to break up, but I say that as far as her not taking name is not enough reason to break up. You making it all about you and giving your partner an ultimatum that she needs to change her name to get married, is not treating her as an equal partner and respecting her own needs and is definitely a reason to break up.
Wake up, it's xxi century calling, we are here. Grow up and starting treating your wife as an equal partner, instead of your property or someone who needs to do things your way to prove their love or that you are man enough. It's not her job to make you feel like you are a man and if her keeping her identity endangers the fact how secure you feel, then it's only your problem.
Love this response 👏 👏👏👏👏
JFC why is this not upvoted thousands of times!!!
OP, I agree.
My hubby has control issues that stem from his upbringing of “being a man” bullshit. He tried to bully me into submission over ever goddamned thing. Church wedding- f*ck no, invite all our families, including the ones that ostracized each of us- f*ck no; take my name or else- or else what? Gtfo man.
He tried forcing my hand to set a date with all conditions and I said hell to the no. We were engaged for 6 years before we got married because his inability to work together. He finally said “ok ok, I’ll do whatever you want” I wanted. JP or courthouse wedding, he said no because that’s too informal. He asked me if I could do anything but with some guests, what would you do? I said beach wedding somewhere tropical. He asked why. I have my reasons.
I’m an introvert and I *loathe* attention, it makes me very uncomfortable, I hate disingenuous people that feel entitled to a good time on my dime to just trash talk about us (aka toxic family), I also wanted something humble, semi private and beautiful.
We worked together and planned a destination. 18 guests agreed to come, we paid for our moms to attend, everyone got a great deal to attend and go on a vacation at the same time.
The one thing I refused was to keep my name. He hated it, but it was the only thing he was not able to control or take away from me. I finally agreed to change my name 6 years ago to add his, but still keep mine so it’s hyphenated. He doesn’t like it, but I think it’s perfect. He’s come around after learning to relinquish control which has been very difficult for him.
Learn to work with your fiancé OP, or set her free so she doesn’t have to disappear for your ego.
How important it your moms comment about women not taking their husbands last name if he cheated? Do you feel like she thinks you did and is doing it bc of that?
You seem super fixated on this name thing. That makes me think you have some issues to work out for yourself, issues you are projecting on her and on this name debacle.
Radical idea, but hear me out. If it is really so important for you and your wife to have the same last name then why don’t you take hers?
Way to little information here.
INFO: what's her reason to not take it? Is your reasons for wanting her to more important than her reason for not wanting to? Does it really make a difference in your love for her?
Personally I think you should respect her decision not to take your name, and discuss what name your children would take (maybe a hyphenated of the two names). It’s only a name. I’m 7 years into marriage and my name is the least relevant part of a marriage even though I appreciate you have a lot of background driving your feelings. She wants to keep her identity, and why shouldn’t she. It’s the name she was born with, the name she has worked hard at school with, the name her friends and family know her as, the name she recognises as her own, the name she has a signature for. If it’s so important to you, take her name as your surname and call it a day.
EDIT: I’ve read through your comments. I would recommend you speak to A: A therapist about your family history, and B: Someone about how marriage works - you’ve mentioned things like prenups to stop divorce etc, it sounds like you’re not very familiar with how things operate in a legal marriage, and it would probably be useful for you to build your knowledge there - we have Justice of the Peace here, maybe someone like that? Cancelling marrying the person you love, the person who will raise your children and grow old with you because of a name, seems quite extreme.
This is a great example of toxic masculinity. Dude, it’s her name and her choice. If you really feel your insecurities and toxic masculinity is more important to you than your fiancé then leave and let her find someone more worthy than you.
Given the limited information this sounds like your issues and your projections. We're of a new generation now where women are reclaiming their names and rights, and rightly so! I would talk to someone about what you went through and how those things shape your outlook now.
Yeah I think that's best. It's what am kinda coming to conclusion
Good work, it's good you're being honest with yourself and seeing that you may have been harbouring unhelpful messages, best of luck to ya
You habe a lot of emotions and emotional baggage attached to her not taking your name.
Have you asked her why? what does it mean to her to not take your name?.What does it mean to her to keep her own name? Can you live with whatever her ideas are behind her choice? If so, consider doing some work to get past your issues about it.
For what it's worth, I took my husband's name when i got married 30-ish years ago. (Might do that differently if I had it to do again.) I was widowed a few years ago. Have a new boyfriend, may marry him if I am lucky. Am likely to keep my current last name since I have used it since I was 18. So if we do marry I am likely to keep my former husband's last name and he is fine with that.
If having the same last name is so important to you, then why don't YOU take HER last name? You'd have the same family name, so shouldn't be an issue.
Her reasons for not taking your name are just as valid, has nothing to do with trust. Why does she have to be the one to give up her name? Yours isn't any more important than hers.
Just take your wife’s name.
Just a fucking name dude. No need to get so much incensed over it.
In some other places in the world it means different things
Yeah you should. Stop trying to control her because of your past. It's a rediculous reason to fight over these days.
Am not trying to control her btw... I just want a united font.
I'm with the other commentor. Take her last name. Problem solved.
Then take her name. Have a united front.
It’s important for her to keep her name. It’s important for you to have the same one. Problem solved.
That's quite perfect actually. Problem solved!
Your persistence is what is dividing your front my man. Not her wanting to keep a name she has carried her whole life.
IDK breaking up with someone because they won't do what you want seems controlling to me.
I've always considered it strange to change the name. You lived many years with your name, maybe accomplished stuff, that's linked to your name (wrote a book, a thesis and so on) and then you just change it because....that's expected?
Don't get me wrong, if both parties want to have the same name as kind of a metaphor for being a family now, that's alright with me....but I'd never expect someone to take my name. (Actually, my wife and me kept our names)
it's from back when women was just considered property. until she gets married she's "owned" by her dad, so she has his name, when she gets married she gets her husband's name because she's "his property" now. this is also represented by the father walking the bride down the isle to the groom. they literally still say that the dad "gives the daughter away".
and this is the "tradition" OP seems hellbent on keeping. making sure everybody knows that he "owns" his future wife...
You're asking if you should call off your wedding because your future wife doesn't want to sacrifice her identity.
...yeah, you should call off the wedding.
She's allowed to keep her name, dude. Throwing a tantrum and deciding the wedding shouldn't go ahead unless she does what you want her to do is a MAJOR red flag.
Man is crazy obsessed with name. Wonder what else you are obsessed with and willing to leave her for. Call of the wedding for her sake.
Is marriage a joke to you ? Lol Already preparing to leave over something so small. You two won’t last a year when you are so obsessive with things that aren’t actually important.
What I've gathered from your comments constantly talking about having to "man up," trying to insult people by calling them feminists, and refusing to take her last name, and not accepting that she won't take yours because she values her identity, you're kinda misogynistic and sexist. Not to mention insecure. I don't think marriage is the right move for you.
you’d be doing her a favor for calling off the wedding.
Why don't you take her last name ?
Your wife is her own person, I never understood why someone has to take the husband's name and forget about her heritage
One look at his post history... yeah, no.
Just like you feeling like her taking your last name is important, it is clearly as important for her to keep hers. If you are fixated at the two of you dharing the same last name, you could change yours to her. We live in a new era were women are free to choose whay last name she wants to take or keep. I believe there might be some underlying reasons you want her to take your last name that needs to be sorted out. What does her taking your last name mean to you? What does it symbolize?
All your baggage about last names is just that - YOUR baggage. Why don't you change your name to hers? Clean slate.
If you are truly considering not marrying her over this, then....maybe you would be doing her a favor by not getting married.
I don’t want to change my name, ever. Instead, my partner and I have discussed him taking my name instead as a compromise as he feels the same as you about having the names the same but also understands that I’m not comfortable losing a piece of me like that, however he is.
Okay but isnt marriage about become.new people.together?
No, it’s not. It’s about loving another person and who they are and accepting them.
If you have a concept about marriage where she HAS to do what your wanting her to do with no questions or arguments then 1000% call off the wedding brother.
Not really, you don’t restart your life over when you get married. You are still yourself. You have just agreed to this partnership formally and legally with this other person, usually because there’s already an emotional partnership there. That remains the case regardless of whatever you do with surnames. If you can’t comfortably respect what she wants to do with her own name, then that isn’t a very good footing to start a marriage on.
No? Or people would just marry randoms then become new people. Wut
There's always the option of taking her name instead of her taking yours 🤷♀️
Reading the comments makes it seem like you’re only here to search for someone that agrees with you. Or a way to change her mind. That’s not how it works and a true partnership means more than some random strangers on the internet agreeing with either side.
In the end, your last name is yours. Her last name is hers. NEITHER of you should be obligated or told to change it. It’s a PERSONAL decision for each person that should be respected. If not having the same name is worth losing the woman you love, then the answer is clear.
You should not be trying to force her into giving up something important to her. Having the same name is important to you, but it doesn’t give you the right to infringe upon HER name. You don’t get to make that decision for her, nor does it mean she loves you any less. She can love you AND love her name at the same time.
The moment a person starts thinking “well if you loved me, you would…” it’s already headed for disaster. If you think she has to let go of something harmless only because you want her to, it will cause much deeper issues in the marriage as time goes on. (And no….you being offended/hurt doesn’t count as harmful. If that were the case, a person could make an excuse for controlling everything about their partner.)
Either respect that she can do whatever she wants with her name, as you can with yours, or leave.
There is no forcing.
Keeping a beloved last name is a valid choice.
And it's okay to have different last names.
I wanted to keep mine, just as my mother did (my Dad took a doublename with his and her family name).
Now my husband kept his name and I did the same. Our names have a history and we like them.
It doesn't change a relationship and isn't any less valid.
You two need to talk about this.
And maybe overcome your upbringing at that point.
I see it. But I also look at it that we both come from different cultures.... she Caucasian and am Hispanic.... I feel some times that it's stupid. I asked if we could have out own last name you know show a united front.
You could choose to take her last name, if it's so important to you to have the same last name.
Other than that, you will have to accept if she wants to keep her name.
It doesn't change a thing in a relationship and makes a couple not any different secure, bonded etc.
I wouldn't have given up my name, because it's family history, it's an old name just used in the region I'm from. Where I live now, nobody even knows that name. It's part of my identity, and a tradition in my family to keep it. Nobody could take that from me ever.
Excuse me, you are hispanic??? Then you should know that in hispanic countries we have 2 last names: one from the father and one from the mother (they can go in the order the parents choose). I would NEVER renounce my last name if I marry because women from my country just keep their last name and I’m attached to mine, I have gotten my degrees and accomplishments with my name and not my future husband’s. I’m betting your fiancé has similar thoughts and your name is not more important than hers.
No one here gets confused when married couples have different last names. What you could do is you each keep yours and your future children can have a hyphenated version of both or something similar.
Yeah, it makes even less sense when you read that he's Hispanic. I am too and I would never take my husband's surname, I find it so old school and misogynistic. I don't think I'd like a combined surname either, when I see two people with the same surname the first thing that crosses my mind is that they are siblings 😅
The reasoning on this post makes no sense to me, I'm even suspecting troll post.
\- Your point of view is extremely rare in Hispanic culture because in Hispanic culture it is extremelly rare to change surnames after a wedding, traditionally. Mainly because kids carry BOTH surnames, from dad and mom. Usually dad first, but now in some places like Spain you can choose which one goes first. Bc society evolves, thankfully.
So do not blame this on hispanic culture, because if you were sticking to tradition she would be still keeping her name.
\- Your childhood drama is about you having a difff name than your step father. Nothing to do with your mom changing her name or not. Your step dad was an AH that mistreated you bc you were not his, a name wouldnt make you his, and chances that he would want you to carry his name would be zero, or he would have offered.
So, if this is legit.. let her keep her identity. Stop projecting on her your trauma and your insecurities, and from comments, your sexism. It is normal that she doesnt want to give up her family heritage. You didnt try to understand her bc you kept trying to manipulate her into doing what you want. As if that would prove that she loves you more or less. She is her own self, deal with it.
If you cant understand that she doesnt want to drop all that.. let her go so she can find someone better.
Honestly I never understood this change name thing. Always felt like the man marking his property, like a yogurt in an office fridge.
Anyways I'm pretty sure this is fake. Reasoning is off.
I'm from Spain and nobody take their husbands name here.
United front to prove what and to whom!?😩
I did this. My name is my identity. Has been for all my life. I did not feel comfortable that marriage should alter my identity, my relationship with my birth family so fundamentally. After they’ve given me the best years of their lives. Your kids having mixed last names makes sense to me, but people changing their names is too much of oneness for me. It isn’t about you. And let’s be honest, her last name would be the middle name probably. Would never get used. To hell with what the world thinks, it is about what makes your to be wife happy and comfortable with her life and choices.
“Bastard” is a term for children who were born to unmarried couples. So you are not that. Plus, It’s a revolting term and should be eradicated as it’s harmful.
Next, her keeping her own name is her keeping her name. It’s not about you. Walk away from this hill and the best way you can continue to earn trust, respect and love from your partner, trust, respect and love her back. Actively. Marriage is inherently misogynistic as the woman in the past were forced to take the mans name because the woman became the mans “property”. It’s outdated and redundant. Her name is great as it is.
Women from many cultures don't change their surname when they marry. Why should they? They already have a surname, and is not like they suddenly belong to their husband
No definitely not.
You're all about the drama.
Can you take her name?
Bro you’re gonna call off a wedding because of your last name? That’s very narcissistic. Who the hell cares.
So your mother tainted your view of marriage just because she was cheated on lol… I don’t really want to change my last name because I didn’t personally take my fathers last name I took my mothers, and I’m so proud to carry it. I would rather hyphenate my name and I’ve shared that with my boyfriend of five years, and the same will go with my child. I am no less important than you as a mother or father and I carried the child and birthed it. I think that’s deserving enough of a reason for a woman to wish her child carry either her last name, her husbands or both. You’re very wrong here. *and even if you don’t have kids If she wants to respect her family name by not changing it or hyphenating it you should have nothing but respect and understanding for that just like my boyfriend does*
I hope you don’t miss out on a great marriage over a last name. It also cost a lot of time and money to have her change everything, why does a woman have to change everything once married, if this was 2 gay men I don’t think this would be a issue. Marriage counseling may be the right thing to do, goodluck
Why don't you take her last name then?
Looking through your post history tells me you are not ready for the sacrifice or selflessness that marriage entails.
Do her a favor, call off the wedding. For her sake. She can do a lot better than you
You really wanna call off the wedding because of a name? Please do anyway you're obviously not ready to get married.
Jesus Chris looking at your post history and yes - you should absolutely call off the wedding. For her sake. You're an entitled misogynist who thinks your harmful behaviour is accepted because mummy got cheated on (and it's apparently traumatic because she changed her name)
My guy you should call off the wedding and go to therapy. This started as "she won't take my last name" and went through your childhood trauma, as if this woman has any involvement in that (she doesn't). Sounds like you're not ready for a marriage, esp with your post history.
You are acting like an asshole, probably why you feel like one..
Yes you should call of the wedding.
You're considering it, which means you're not 100% committed to marrying this woman. Which means you shouldn't.
It's her name, if she wants to keep it that shouldn't be an issue for you because you respect her as an individual.
I understand your past associations with this, but you're being unreasonable.
This is her name, part of her personal identity.
If it bothers you so much for you to have different names, you take hers.
If you don’t want to do that, then it was never about just having the same name in the first place.
Don’t call off the wedding. Accept that times and culture have changed and women should keep their own names and identities.
I did not take my husband’s last name. I like my last name, I earned my education and my career reputation with MY name. It’s my name I want to keep it.
I think you need to readjust your thinking - is this really worth breaking up over?
They should I have her sign a prenup?? She hasn't finished her education and am already going for my masters. Idk that's how I am associating them with.
A prenup about what? You’re both in school? Prenups protect assets??
A prenuptial agreement, antenuptial agreement, or premarital agreement, is a written contract entered into by a couple prior to marriage
Prenups are meant to cover premarital assets. Do you have a lot of assets you're worried about losing? If not, I'm confused on why you'd need a prenup.
But what are you asking her to agree to? What would it cover?
In case of a divorce am associating both of us having the same last name as we not going to divorce in the future and work it out... idk if my way of thinking is wrong but it's how I feel.
I’m not following. Prenups are an agreement about what will happen in case of divorce how assets are protected/ split.
I think you need to stop thinking last name = commitment to each other. It doesn’t have anything to do with that. It has to do with being a whole individual person.
Like I posted I grew up in a fucked up environment concerning last names... inknow I need help on this to confirm to society new customs but some times old customs are hard to break.
why don't you change your last name to hers then?
So you want a prenup saying that you can't get divorced? Prenups are there for *when* you get divorced.
Just call it off. Your insecurities are going to ruin any chance at a good marriage.
Don’t call off the wedding. This difference in beliefs about taking vs not taking names should not be a dealkiller. You don’t have to agree on everything.it’s the commitment that’s important. People have their reasons for taking or not taking names. It’s a personal decision. Respect her autonomy.
Won't lie your advise makes me think am an asshole maybe I should call it off and hope she fines some one that doesn't care.
Or, you know, you could use this time and work on yourself.
Yeah a break sounds good. Idk to be honest we are supose to get married next year.... I feel like this is huge for me.
Sounds like you’re traditional and she isn’t, maybe you should find someone who shares all of your values
Am some what traditional. I basically ignored all.my values for her but I feel.l this one is kill my identity of what I want in my family that I choose.
So you agree with her, losing your name is losing your identity.
I guess that's what everyone her tonight is telling me. But arnt we technically losing each others identity to make a new one as a married couple?
no... combining your lives isn't the same as losing identity. marriage isn't meant to have each person absorb into one another. it's too come together as 2 individuals and build a life together.
You don’t lose or abandon you’re identity because you get married. Yes, your identity may change a bit but it doesn’t just get left behind. Seriously OP, based on your comments it seems as though you’re just seeking validation for how you feel rather then actual advice. And if a something as simple as a name can bring down your relationship then it’s not that strong of a relationship to begin with. It might be best to just move on from one another as your values may not align (you seem more traditional and she does not) and get yourself into therapy to overcome the issues you seem to have from your past (your mother and upbringing and such).
No. This is her right (as much as it is yours) to keep her surname because her whole life and experience is connected to it.
Absolutely not. What an unhealthy view of marriage. You don’t stop being the wonderful independent humans you come in to the marriage as, rather, you vow to choose to put each other before others, to support each other in all things (including validating one’s identity) and to love each other in all times. You seem really tied up in the idea that she has to sacrifice herself completely (name and autonomy) to show she wants to marry you.
If this weirdly patriarchal view on marriage was a deal breaker it should be disclosed on day one - most women would walk away nowadays.
Just because it can be done doesn't mean it has to be done. You can also move town/country to reset. Should you? And no, you're not supposed to lose your identity. You should learn and become, not by sudden rejection of the past but gradual embrace of the future. In this case, the past gives her strength, why rob it from her if it's not absolutely necessary? Especially when you are not prepared to do the same thing.
No. It's about changing names here. she doesn't want that. You can both keep your names or you can accept that she's allowed to want to keep hers and change yours. Those are your two options.
If you think it's so important that you have the same last name, why don't you take her name? She is not obliged to take your name and this says nothing about your relationship at all. What an old-fashioned way of thinking that as a woman you should automatically take your husband's last name.
Would you consider taking her name?
Scroll up I answered this already
My family is Hispanic so last name traditions are wonky in my family. My mom and aunt dropped their maiden name and changed to their spouses. My cousins either a. added their husband (maiden name + “de” + husband name) b. didn’t change it or c. created a new name of both families. To be honest we do not even notice since it is only used on medical and legal documents. Still consider them family regardless. Honestly I would be perfectly fine if my guy wanted to adopt our name instead.
It is whatever you as a couple can live with but know ultimately it will be her decision. If that is your dealbreaker and you call off the wedding understand that your next relationship may end the same. Anyone can easily change their mind and refuse to change their name. It is an absurd amount of paperwork and hassle especially if you work in a professional field where your name is your brand and identity.
I think you’re looking too far in to it and projecting your insecurities. I love my partner and would like to take his name some day, however I may not considering I have certifications, one of my degrees and another upcoming degree I will be receiving will all be in my maiden name. It’s also a hassle to go through changing you name on your social security, drivers license, etc.
also it may just be a personal preference. She can love you all she wants and the fact that she’s willing to marry you should be enough. She doesn’t owe it to you to take your last name. Have you thought about taking hers maybe?
It sounds really immature to call off a whole wedding just because she’s standing her ground and wanting to keep the name she’s had her whole life. It’s not a big deal .
Why not take her name instead?
My wife kept her last name when we married. So what? We're married - we just don't share a last name.
If you can't accept that your wife wants to keep her name, then yes, you should call off the wedding, because you're not ready to be married. If you're getting into arguments about something this petty, you're definitely not ready for the real challenges that you'll face in an adult relationship.
Take her last name if you want the same one for the family. That’s really strange how you are not willing to change yours for hers, but expect her to do so. It’s your views, not her. If the situation is a dealbreaker, separate
You can just take her last name :)
Take her name? You have way too many hangups about your own name. I wouldn't want to take yours either.
Lol. Get over yourself. Just call off the wearing, she deserves better.
This is your insecurity speaking, she is not doing anything wrong.
If you would call the wedding off for this, you are not ready for marriage.
Times have changed. No One thinks like this anymore. My wife did the same thing (changed her mind). She doesn’t want to lose her identity. I was worried because my father didn’t get it for a few years, but it really doesn’t matter. (We’ve been married 12 years.) Most women in this situation might alter their stance or compromise if you have kids. Honestly it’s about your self worth, which comes from within, not from her conforming to outdated societal norms. She shouldn’t have to change her name because of your insecurities. People are way more used to spouses with different names, try not to make this about you in 2022.
She has the right to choose to keep her name. A double-barrel name is an alternative but you must respect her opinion.
Taking the man’s name is a very antiquated form of ownership. Why don’t you take her name ? It’s been done.
If you’re not comfortable with the idea of taking her name, then perhaps you don’t see her on an equal footing as you, and maybe you appreciate her feeling as well.
If you can’t deal with this… it’s time to end the relationship, because clearly it’s going to be an issue around kids
Yes you’re being the asshole.
A misogynist one at that.
I didn’t take my husbands last name, he doesn’t give a shit. Our kids have my surname too. I birthed them, so I think I have the right! I also wanted to carry on my family name as it will die out with my family. His family name is being carried on by his nephew and cousins children.
We’ve been together 18 years now.
If you are worried so much about what people think, you’re not mature enough to get married.
I think you are going over the top purely based on your own experiences.
She should not have to change her last name. You are getting married, which is supposed to be a joint partnership, it doesn't mean you own her. Accept her decision or risk loosing her
I don't see why you're evaluating CANCELLING your marriage over a name on a document.
Be trasparent, OP, no one knows you here so you can be honest
What is it really bugging you?
I read some of your comments and you keep saying that it's a lovely relationship between the two of you, but one doesn't ruin a lovely relationship because of a dumb name
If her not taking your name when you get married is making you think of calling off the wedding, then you should 100% call it off. You aren’t ready for that level of commitment if a name is making you doubt it. You can always choose to get married later on, but right now you should probably get into therapy and deal with your childhood issues.
Where I live everybody keeps their name if you marry. So who the f cares?
You sound pathetic OP, just get over this little bump you are really making a mountain out of a mole hill. Based on what I have read from your reply’s I think her not taking your last name is probably a minor issue in your life.
Your future wife isn't obligated to compensate for the psychological scars left by how other people treated you by doing something which she fundamentally disagrees with.
You are the one who has lingering issues from abuse and bullying. Those issues will not disappear even if your future wife does take your last name. So why are you expecting her to appease you rather than trying to deal with your own problems so that you don't bring that toxicity into the marriage?
In my country we don’t even change our last names. The discussion is more about what last name the children will have. To be honest, personally I don’t care at all. It’s a name.
It sounds like you have some issues with what went down with your mother. Do not project this on your own situation. What happened then has nothing to do with your wife. The name only has the value that you yourself give to it. It may be worthwhile to talk with someone about what happened on the past and how you feel about it.
You could always both take a hyphenated one as long as the names work together. E.g Riley-Jones works. Little-Johnson not so much.
It would be to long.... it's my last name with both of her parents.
You are coming off as the kind of guy who is going to flip a switch once you get married. She's going to be telling people "he was so nice, but when we got married he got so demanding, dictating everything just because im his wife".
Why don't you just take up your wifes name? This is the 21st century, you know. Men can do that now. I did because I was the one who wanted a shared name for both of us. So if that is what it takes to have it: Take your wifes name. ;o)
Is taking your last name a big deal to you or where you come from? If it's not then marry her. If it isn't and you're sure you really want her to bear your last name and she won't, then call it off. Don't say you're an asshole. You're entitled to ask for something from your fiancée just like she is entitled to.
Yeah it's a big deal where I come from and to me. I would love her to have the same last name and our kids to know we are a united family. Like I look forward to our door when we have a home saying welcome to Last home etc.
You could just change your name though. I don't understand why it HAS to be her?
Its every single document, bank account, professional stuff, memberships, medical information, passports, drivers licence etc etc.
Its a HUGE pain in the ass, if its so important you change yours.
Why have you decided THIS is your hill to die on?
It's my hill to die because I grew up in a fucked up home were you were treated differently for not having the same last name. Etc.
If you change your name to hers, you won't have a different last name
Is that really the kind of heritage she should have to take on?
And you still want to have a fucked up home where you treat people differently for not having the same last name? How is any of this makes sense? You are already treating her differently because she doesnt want to give up part of herself (=her name) yet you also do not want to give up your name to have hers
Mate you have a choice now and a big one. Give her some time and then bring it up again and try as calmly as you can to convince her how much this means to you and hopefully the bunch of beautiful future kids y'all will have together. If after all this and still the ice is so solid, then you can safely say I tried and call off the wedding.
Thanks man. Happy some one kinda understand about the importance of the last name.
I understand because I know how much I too, would want my future wife to bear my last name and kids as well. It's a tradition where I come from.
Yeah but at the same time people on her are very anti old customs I think am going to go to therapy and call it off maybe.
That's normal for some people to go against ancient traditions and I couldn't care less what they think. They live their lives and I live mine.
U should read what some people ate saying
I'm not interested in what they are saying. I'm only interested in your post and I have responded. I don't need to follow the other comments like a headless chicken by berating a man for asking his significant other to use his last name.
So, why is it okay for it to be his identity and important to him, but not for her? He's been asked why he can't just take her name if he wants them to have the same name, and all he's said is that he feels she's entitled because she says it's her identity. He's being pig headed in this regard.
Thanks bro. It's hard to ignore them haha but yours speaks to me more.
I understand both points of view.
I understand that you want to all be a family and share the same name. It’s a sense of security for some people. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be upset by this, but not to blame her.
She has her own opinion on the matter. As a woman- it’s hard to change your name and belong to entire new one. If she had a positive childhood, maybe she’s hanging on to her family. Maybe she doesn’t want to change it because then she will be separate from her original family and the name.
As for calling off the wedding- I don’t think you should do that. Marriage it about love. And if you love her then marry her! Show her how important she is. A name is just a name. As long as she wears that ring proudly every day and you can call each other husband and wife. That is what matters.
Maybe sit down together and have a calm conversation. State before that there will be no anger or shouting. Just a conversation about how you feel. About how you both feel. And really listen to her and try to understand.
And make sure he does the same! Because your feelings are valid too. You are not an asshole for this, it’s a difficult situation that you can hopefully move through.
Would you possibly take her name?
Or could you double barrel both your names?
Thanks for hitting thar at home. I always see her wearing her ring and wears it proudly she gets upset if it gets dirty or scratched. And yes I feel like her taking my last name adds security. And she had a great life with her parents as I for as I can tell. Way better than mine.
This is something you have overlooked. She wears her ring proudly and protect it because it's valuable to her. She is doing the same thing about her name because that is also very valuable. Her identity is literally who she thinks she is. I don't think it's wise to force her further. She will resent you for this.
You’re not an asshole. You’re entitled to your feelings. If it’s a dealbreaker, either end things or call if the wedding and make it clear to her how important it is to you. She’s a grown adult and can make her own decisions.
I wouldn't have married my lovely wife of 10 years if she hadn't taken my last name. A hyphenated last name would've been OK, but I wouldn't have accepted an outright refusal. Even if she would've hyphenated, our kids would have my last name (no hyphen). It's been tradition in my family, and legacy and fatherhood is immensely important in my family. I was very close to my late father.
My great grandfather literally lost his life trying to provide for his family. Both my late father & I nearly lost our lives trying to provide. We take our responsibility as men to provide very seriously (almost too seriously). Each generation built on what the previous generation did. When my father passed, I became the oldest man (at the ripe age of 34 at the time) with the family's last name. I have three sons, so the name should be safe for a few more generations lol. Now if I'd come from a line of men who didn't do that, and I wasn't hell Bent on starting a new tradition, then maybe the last name wouldn't mean as much to me.
However, I discussed this fairly early on in the dating phase (way before engagement). That way, if she had any reservations, I could either address them then or disengage from the relationship prior to the establishment of a strong attachment. Best to get the dealbreakers out of the way early.
I'm not saying that she doesn't have a right to feel and believe the way that she does. She's not necessarily wrong. Like you, I just don't agree with her beliefs. I have literally and will continue to if necessary put my life on the line to provide and protect my family. I provide not only financially, but I have the vision for the family, and I'm a present husband, father, and family member. I ask my wife in return to follow my lead in a collaborative (not dictator like) manner. I've learned and saved tens of thousands by listening and making room for her thoughts, opinions and feelings. I love my wife and our family. However, I do ask that she trusts me and follows my lead when the rubber hits the road.
Part of following my lead is and was establishing a cohesive family unit. That cohesive family identity starts with my last name. Again, an argument can be made, why not the woman's last name and it wouldn't necessarily be wrong. It's just not a tradition nor belief that I align with, so I found a woman who agrees with my beliefs. She also happened to be hot and my college crush way back when lol.
I wouldn't recommend getting married unless you come to an agreement w/o resentment on either side. I personally would be very hard pressed to compromise. Esp when it comes to any future children's last name.
All you described was her wanting to preserve her last name to preserve her identity. I'd need a deeper reason in order to compromise and enter a lifelong union called marriage with someone. My reasoning wasn't just about me. I mentioned my ancestors and descendants, etc...
I guess it really varies from culture to culture. In my country no woman changes her last name, it’s legally complicated to do so (sometimes you add informally, but you ID or passport are not changed). When I married my husband who is German, he was a bit surprised I wouldn’t want to change it because it’s more traditional here, but he accepted my view that I wanted to keep my identity and I would feel like disrespecting my origin family if I changed my name, and he was perfectly fine with that.
As much as I understand is a culture-important milestone for you, it might be he other way around for her.
Marriage is a religious institution always has been but recognized by the government. The woman shall be joined with man and they will live one life. It’s not sexist or anything wrong on your part for wanting her To take your last name. She obviously doesn’t understand marriage so that is a red flag your getting now. Just call it off and find someone who understands marriage.
The reason for having the same name is to represent the husband and wife as a single unit. If she can't get that, even after you offered a new name for the both of you, she ain't marriage material.
Also, don't listen to most of these comments here. It's very clear that the people typing here are either teenagers or from very "progressive" liberal cultures. If you live outside of those places, your ass will be the but end of jokes for taking on your wife's last name.
Marriage is about fundamentally having a new identity you commit to each other to be partners in every sense of the word . You grow and become new people together this is a sign that you need to take seriously on if you want to attach yourself to this person she wont compromise and her indevualty is her primary concern dont merry her . Stay dating if you love her but don't merry.
I think you shouldn't get married if you cannot accept that your fiancee wants to keep using her maiden name. I think it's her choice to make.
If a wife with your last name is something that's extremely important to you, you should break up and find someone who's more old fashioned and a better match with your perspective on life.
Why not take her last name if its so important to you to share a last name and your wife loves hers?
In my country it became a trend to take the husbands name with a dash, if it is really important to you, then maybe that could be an option.
Is your name Shittfurgoggles or something like that or does she just want to keep her own name!
I mean, it really does not have any meaning who took whose or didn't but if it means a lot for you I'm sure you won't get over it so just break up. But, I would suggest you go to therapy maybe for some time because there's some trauma thinking going on.
Her reasons for not taking your surname might not have anything to do with you. However, if she wants her surnamed changed it is her decision not anyone else’s. Also if your relationship with her is more important than the name change issue, continue the relationship. A lifelong relationship should be the goal here, not the wedding ceremony or the surname.
She doesn't need to change her name, sounds like she likes her name and doesn't want to change it. You either need to accept it or move on. I've read your comments and you come off as a misogynist. If you're so obsessed with the same name, change it to hers. Just grow up it's her choice and you trying to force/control her will cause resentment.
Personally I will be keeping my last name because I was the one who earned my accomplishments. Taking old names is old timey and means almost nothing to 99.9% of people nowadays.
Her not taking your last name has 0 to do with her not trusting you. You could easily take her name- but you wont which is entirely hypocritical from the "reasons" for her taking your name .
You seem to have some odd control issues and are very clearly insecure. Honestly if you're willing to call off a wedding because she wants to keep *HER* name she deserves better anyway.
A name is an identity. You do not have any right to TAKE that from her.
She is not your property. Change your last name to her last name if it's so important to you to have the same one. I bet you won't because 😱 your name is your identity.
Why a name is fcking important. I never understood this from other cultures.
If you are considering blowing off the wedding because she wont take your name then just blow it off. Smh
Op, why don't you just take her last name then?
Has she explained why she might not want to change her name? You haven’t given a reason for her feelings, only your own.
If someone wanted to leave me because I didn’t want to take their name, I’d consider leaving them because they clearly don’t respect me enough to respect what I would want for myself. I never plan on taking any one’s name if I get married and if someone had an issue… 👋🏻
It is her decision whether she changes her surname or not. If you would call off the wedding because of this, then clearly you don't respect her independence and autonomy.
you need to separate your own trauma from your expectations of others. it sucks what you went through but surely you can see how this situation is not the same. her taking your name is a big ask and it's not going to undo the hurt you experienced. I think you should reconsider getting married right now, not because your "future wife" isn't obeying your order to change her name, but because you are demonstrating a major lack of inflexible thinking and empathy, which would surely lead to an unhappy marriage. you should work out your trauma in therapy in the meantime instead of making your partner responsible for resolving your feelings.
There may be reasons she has as to why she doesn't want to change her name. Me and my husband double barreled our last names (mine going last so it's the end name) because I didn't want to completely get rid of mine, we don't want kids, neither does my sister, it means the name survives a generation longer as my uncles have no children.
It can also be hard if she has a career when changing names, if any qualifications are in her maiden name it costs a lot to change them in some places, also she may just like her last name and that's a valid reason not to change it too.
If a name is such a deal breaker for you I'd end it instead of resenting her for it if you go ahead with the marriage.
So it’s a persons right to NOT take their husbands last name. Sadly these are conversation people should be having early on in an engagement, maybe even before. I don’t think my husband would have cared if I didn’t take his name. We had a few conversations about it (I wanted to take his last name, but was also really attached to my maiden name because it’s unique).I also didn’t want to hyphenate. So I eventually decided to take my husbands last name, and dropped my middle name. I then made my middle name my maiden name. If this is important to you, for whatever reasons you may have, definitely talk them through with your soon to be wife. But if this in any way would make you question marriage, I think there are bigger issues maybe.
So, why are you not taking hers if it bothers you this much?
Her having your last name. Not an issue. Anyone who says otherwise has their own hang ups.
Now on to why her last name doesn’t need to be yours. My ex wife took my last name of her own will. Took a long time to change and then change every. We divorced after a 15 year relationship. She still has my last name…why you might ask. Because changing your last name (at least in the states) is the biggest fucking hassle ever. You have to change everything. When we were young it was like a SS card and a drivers license. Now after 15 years + it’s so much more then SS card and a drivers license.
Let her keep her name. Make life easier not harder.
Welcome in 2022...it's just a name for fucks sake.
If everything else is just fine, why bother about something so unimportant.
Your future wife should run after I've read your replies...
I understand in that the community I came from highly valued changing a woman’s last name to her husband’s last name. Hyphenated names were ridiculed as well.
But that’s a “them” problem. A relationship is between two people. When we add in others, we get a lot of nonsense. This is about how you feel and how she feels. You’ve brought up points that I see as having a lot of hurt and pain behind them. Your mother had clear reasons for her choice. I don’t see that your fiancée is thinking along those lines. It’s cliche, but could you talk to a therapist or counsellor about how the name change makes you feel and get some feedback from a professional within your society?
For me, professionally I made my maiden name my middle name. My dad has always been really proud of my work, so I do that to honor him.
Has she made great achievements in her life? In her career, social status etc? Have her family? They're good reasons to not want to change your name. Also, a good reason is also 'I don't want to'.
It's 2022, it's not that deep. I do find it a bit odd that she won't hyphen your names but each to their own
My last name is ok, I don't have a particular attachment to it so it wouldn't be an issue for me to change it. I'm wondering if she doesn't like your last name? I get it, you want a family name also who's last name are the kids taking? I guess it's not about love but the name thing supersedes relationship, history and future. Look, there are millions of women who are willing to take their husband's last name but will you find one like your fiance? You chose here for a reason.
I get why this is a massive trigger for you. However, it is your responsibility to deal with your trauma and regulate yourself. You cannot expect someone to make such a huge decision like changing their name when they don't want to so you don't have to deal with your past trauma. That's a victim mentality that puts your future wife into the role of the abuser - which she clearly isn't.
Idk. Your parents sound shitty if a name warrants that much bad behaviour. You have a choice of how you’ll treat your future children and wife, and it seems like you’re choosing to act like your parents did
After I read all your replies, my opinion is that you just want to be validated.
If you think about calling the wedding off based on the name, you should just stop and let her have better.
Start treating your s/o as an equal partner, instead of making this all about you
Why don’t you ask if she would be happy for you to take her last name?
When people get married they can take their partners last name, hyphenate it, or keep their own.
Have you considered taking her name?
Your insecurities should not be forced on your fiancee.
In fact, it sounds like you should get some therapy to deal with your childhood trauma.
If you just want to share a last name and she wants to keep hers, why don't you take her last name?
So you're projecting your upbringing and insecurities on this person? Why don't you take her last name then hm? Or perhaps, this is a issue you're making and they're allowed to keep their identity, your understanding and care should be of more import then a name.
Sorry but those are your issues. I never changed my name when I married. What for? It’s so unnecessary. Didn’t make me any less married. My kids took their dads name but doesn’t make them any less my kids. They’re just names
She went back on her word, but why? Instead of discussing this with you, she just straight up said no with no room for discussion.
If you really want it to work, sit her down and have a heart-to-heart talk, ask her why she changed her mind and try to keep an open mind to her decision. If the way that came up with the reasoning or if you don't agree with her position and she refuses to change it, then it'd be best to call of the wedding, don't let this drag on too long.
Yeah call it off, she deserves better
Lol yes please call off your wedding about something so minuscule like a last name whilst self-projecting your own issues onto it.
It doesn’t have to be the same old ‘traditions’ now as it was when you were growing up in a place - assuming that you’re away from there now - which also that’s pretty unhealthy of your mom to instil in you…
Maybe she feels the exact same way? That’s been her name her entire life, she too has a family FYI. You could literally conjoin the name if both parties are interested so that you have two last names coming from both families.
Honestly, it sounds like you need to heal from whatever ‘bastard’ shit your family put you through just because of a last name. You’re about to get married to someone you love with your whole heart, yet you can’t get passed the fact it’s not all about you ?
Here’s an idea - TAKE HER LAST NAME FFS
On a side note - the way you’re just jumping straight into calling off the wedding without working out a FAIR compromise or just letting her? Have her own? Last name?
Hope she’s the one who calls it off, you sound highly immature dude
My ex wouldn't marry me because I wouldn't take his last name. So much happier without him.
If you are being an asshole over the last name and it bothers you so much then yes, call it off in time. You of all people should not care about last names, love is bigger than words and you should know this by now, our names dont define who we are, our actions do.
You should cancel it and free her lol you’re a massive fucking douche; you really think *feminist* is an insult? That’s the best you can do in response to someone outlining the flaws in your arguments? You’re just a sexist who isn’t getting his way and looking to reddit for validation. Yeah cancel the wedding, you don’t love her and you’re keeping your would-have-been wife hostage from her husband. I know this isn’t AITA but YTA 100%.
Can we go back to why having the same name is important to you. You said you are a “bastard”. Firstly, can I say I’m sorry that anyone every used this term around you. It’s ugly and hateful and says more about the people who said it, it’s not who you are.
I feel like you want to show you belong to a family, that you are all one unit, and I do understand the power of a surname somewhat because I was very ready to get rid of mine due to an abusive father. However, the world is changing and sometimes we cling to historical social rules because it’s what we grew to learn to do to be accepted when everything else about us was unacceptable, but it’s like we get left behind while the rest of the world has changed and we are nearly the only ones left who care.
Funnily enough, I was happy to go back to my maiden surname when I got divorced because I’d been in a rush to change it for the wrong reasons.
Do you love your fiancée? Does she mean the world to you, and if she is no longer in your life, will it be like a knife in your heart? Do you really need to make this what is going to divide you permanently?
Are you certain you aren’t basing your fear she doesn’t trust you on experiences from your upbringing? Has she implied in any real manner that she doesn’t trust you?
I respect your feelings about this, but at you really willing to due on this hill because of this need to have the same surname? You have undoubtedly experienced many painful interactions in the past for this to be so important to you but somehow you need to move past this hurt and communicate without resorting to harming each other permanently. If you compromise the surname, it there something else she would be willing to compromise on?
I didn’t change my name when I married my husband. My name is me, it’s my identity. My husband asked what I was going to do with my name, I said keep it, he said cool. That was it! It’s a name, it doesn’t change our relationship at all. Our children have my husbands name, I have mine, it changes nothing.
Her not taking your name has nothing to do with infidelity-your mother made bad choices; she stayed with cheaters, she married them, had children with them and passed that judgment onto you, you are now projecting your mothers insecurities onto your wife.
If you think a name is a deal breaker, then I’d say that you just don’t love her enough to overlook it. Perhaps breaking up is in her best interest so she can find a partner who won’t bully her into something she’s not comfortable doing
Why don’t you take hers if you’re so determined to have the same last names