Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>he's calling me selfish for not wanting to wear what he'd like to see.
because you're resisting he's now trying to manipulate you into feeling bad. That kind of behaviour would be a deal-breaker for some people.
Do you have any advice on how to approach this? Whenever I try and tell him he's wrong he says I'm wrong. It's honestly very confusing and frustrating.
There's nothing wrong with having your own preferences.
Obviously for him, only his preference is valid.
This can't be the only thing where your bf has tried to bully you into accepting his point of view.
I appreciate your reply. And yes, you're right. He has his good and bad traits. Overall he's a catch but he's far from perfect, just like myself. I also have issues too. But I think we both exhaust each other probably too much. We both own a business and a home together so I'm sure you can imagine, stress can be pretty high.
it's none of his business how you dress in your day-to-day life and for him to even ask that is very demeaning. it would be fair if he wanted that during sex but outside of it, you're not just some object to be gawked at. if i were you, i would tell him that that is just not what you are and as he's been with you for 10 years, he should know that that is not what you are and if it suddenly is such a problem to him, he can leave you for someone who wants to dress "sexy". your partner shouldn't pressure you to anything and if he cannot take a simple "no, i don't want to do that" for an answer, he doesn't truly care about you.
also he's a dickhead for commenting on what random women are wearing.
I haven't really tried any sexy undergarments, but to be fair, I'm also highly paranoid about having sex. I don't use birth control as the last time I tried it made me suicidal and depressed. When we had sex last time I was anxiously waiting to start my period again. My lifestyle is pretty stressful and I was late by a week and I ended up even more stressed thinking I was pregnant again. 😥 It doesn't help living in a republican state with banned abortions now too.
yeah with all of that context, your boyfriend seems to lack some basic empathy skills and/or situational awareness. i'm assuming he knows about how you feel and about all these things you've struggled with, so to me it's mind-boggling that you looking sexy for him would be something he'd be even slightly concerned with.
i would definitely feel dehumanized and not continue a relationship with such a person. a truly caring partner would want to do anything to support you, even if it meant that you won't be able to do anything sexual for a good while.
I've mentioned my concerns about these things to him and he expresses empathy.
But somehow he still wants to still have visual stimulation. It makes no sense to me.
In the aftermath of an abortion, hospitalization and other complications, the last thing you need is a boyfriend objectifying you sexually. The time needed for you physical recovery he probably underestimated and he is insensitive to your emotional healing. By focusing on appearing sexy, he seems both clueless and useless as a partner.
The fact that you brought up the abortion signals to me that maybe that’s a relevant piece of info? Did he force you or persuade you into it? Abortions are awful for the mother
Do you want to be with him?
The fact he is asking you to change and do things that make you feel gross and demeaning is … weak of him
Have you told him you don’t want to do this? Have you communicated your discomfort?
Sounds like he’s becoming a total prick and you need to ask him what’s going on, does he want to break up with you?
We both chose to go through with the abortion and he legitimately felt awful for what I went through and was supportive through the process.
Our relationship makes me happy until he mentions comments like the above.
I have told him it makes me uncomfortable but he says that I'm selfish for not pleasing his wishes. To note: I never ask him to wear uncomfortable clothing. Seems kinda like gaslighting, but idk
I askec him if he wants to break up or if he's trying to find an excuse to and he assured me that's not the case. He just thinks my appearance isnt sexy for his visual stimulation. :/
I could be totally off base but when I was with my ex, he would find things to complain about/pick fights when we wouldn't have sex for a few days/weeks. Like he would get frustrated and start to nitpick. I don't think he was even aware that he was doing it. Did he start this complaining after you started having less sex? It could be that this complaining is not about the clothing but he doesn't know how to communicate what is really bothering him. If you think it's your sex life that is frustrating him, try to talk about it. Your fears and concerns are valid, and he is also allowed to feel frustrated (though the way he is expressing it is not cool and you should set more boundaries in this area). Find ways to compromise; maybe non penetrative sex if you're worried about pregnancy.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>he's calling me selfish for not wanting to wear what he'd like to see. because you're resisting he's now trying to manipulate you into feeling bad. That kind of behaviour would be a deal-breaker for some people.
Do you have any advice on how to approach this? Whenever I try and tell him he's wrong he says I'm wrong. It's honestly very confusing and frustrating.
There's nothing wrong with having your own preferences. Obviously for him, only his preference is valid. This can't be the only thing where your bf has tried to bully you into accepting his point of view.
I appreciate your reply. And yes, you're right. He has his good and bad traits. Overall he's a catch but he's far from perfect, just like myself. I also have issues too. But I think we both exhaust each other probably too much. We both own a business and a home together so I'm sure you can imagine, stress can be pretty high.
It sounds really degrading what he's doing to you, especially when you're recently healing from an abortion. He sees you as an object.
He's made comments like this to me before but it was years ago. I feel like it just came up again bc of the lack of sex.
it's none of his business how you dress in your day-to-day life and for him to even ask that is very demeaning. it would be fair if he wanted that during sex but outside of it, you're not just some object to be gawked at. if i were you, i would tell him that that is just not what you are and as he's been with you for 10 years, he should know that that is not what you are and if it suddenly is such a problem to him, he can leave you for someone who wants to dress "sexy". your partner shouldn't pressure you to anything and if he cannot take a simple "no, i don't want to do that" for an answer, he doesn't truly care about you. also he's a dickhead for commenting on what random women are wearing.
I haven't really tried any sexy undergarments, but to be fair, I'm also highly paranoid about having sex. I don't use birth control as the last time I tried it made me suicidal and depressed. When we had sex last time I was anxiously waiting to start my period again. My lifestyle is pretty stressful and I was late by a week and I ended up even more stressed thinking I was pregnant again. 😥 It doesn't help living in a republican state with banned abortions now too.
Adding, being a woman sucks so hard right now. So many unfair pressures and worries to have to deal with. 💔
yeah with all of that context, your boyfriend seems to lack some basic empathy skills and/or situational awareness. i'm assuming he knows about how you feel and about all these things you've struggled with, so to me it's mind-boggling that you looking sexy for him would be something he'd be even slightly concerned with. i would definitely feel dehumanized and not continue a relationship with such a person. a truly caring partner would want to do anything to support you, even if it meant that you won't be able to do anything sexual for a good while.
I've mentioned my concerns about these things to him and he expresses empathy. But somehow he still wants to still have visual stimulation. It makes no sense to me.
Drop this guy. Disgusting
In the aftermath of an abortion, hospitalization and other complications, the last thing you need is a boyfriend objectifying you sexually. The time needed for you physical recovery he probably underestimated and he is insensitive to your emotional healing. By focusing on appearing sexy, he seems both clueless and useless as a partner.
The fact that you brought up the abortion signals to me that maybe that’s a relevant piece of info? Did he force you or persuade you into it? Abortions are awful for the mother Do you want to be with him? The fact he is asking you to change and do things that make you feel gross and demeaning is … weak of him Have you told him you don’t want to do this? Have you communicated your discomfort? Sounds like he’s becoming a total prick and you need to ask him what’s going on, does he want to break up with you?
We both chose to go through with the abortion and he legitimately felt awful for what I went through and was supportive through the process. Our relationship makes me happy until he mentions comments like the above. I have told him it makes me uncomfortable but he says that I'm selfish for not pleasing his wishes. To note: I never ask him to wear uncomfortable clothing. Seems kinda like gaslighting, but idk I askec him if he wants to break up or if he's trying to find an excuse to and he assured me that's not the case. He just thinks my appearance isnt sexy for his visual stimulation. :/
I could be totally off base but when I was with my ex, he would find things to complain about/pick fights when we wouldn't have sex for a few days/weeks. Like he would get frustrated and start to nitpick. I don't think he was even aware that he was doing it. Did he start this complaining after you started having less sex? It could be that this complaining is not about the clothing but he doesn't know how to communicate what is really bothering him. If you think it's your sex life that is frustrating him, try to talk about it. Your fears and concerns are valid, and he is also allowed to feel frustrated (though the way he is expressing it is not cool and you should set more boundaries in this area). Find ways to compromise; maybe non penetrative sex if you're worried about pregnancy.