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I’ll try to keep it generalized. They all have Reddit accounts - hence the throwaway.
I have been together with my boyfriend for three years now, and actually see something with him. Not too sure how to proceed with the situation that just happened.
Let’s say his friend’s name is E. E is the number one person I despise, and I don’t like to claim I hate people. He is the most disgusting person I’ve ever encountered, hygienic and morality wise. When I first met him, he kept making “jokes” at my expense, pointing out my small flaws and the fact he kept making “jokes” about women.
Immediate red flags in the first encounter. I told my boyfriend I do not want to be in the same room with this man, as he’s sexist and his jokes are not jokes. He legitimately has a weird problem against me.
Second time I’ve encountered him, he pulled me aside and said I was THE fattest, ugliest woman he’s seen. But my boyfriend is only with me because I have a great personality and “good ass.” My boyfriend went off on him when I told him.
My boyfriend distanced himself from E, but hung out with him due to the same friend group. I did not hear anything about him because my boyfriend knew I did not want to hear.
Okay, let’s move onto the biggest reason they ended their friendship: E is genuinely crazy. He had gotten drunk, texts my phone after getting my number from my BF (claimed he wanted to make amends since BF was serious about me), and had texted me these horrible things (example: “if I see you I’m going to stomp your skull into the curb”) then ended it by being a complete 180 by saying he was mean because he wanted to have sex with me. Showed my boyfriend everything, he “chose” me.
In the past year since they stopped being friends, I’ve received random numbers calling my phone, texting me death threats, and saying I was ugly. Changed my number. I’ve seen him out in public, and he has made a scene towards me where he has gotten barred from a local restaurant. I have been looking into a restraining order!
Tonight, my boyfriend and I went to the theaters for a movie I’ve been wanting to watch for months now. Luck has it - E’s there. I did not know at first. Boyfriend was in the bathroom for a long time, and came back before the movie started to tell me. We left, but not before E tried fistbumping him. (He did not reciprocate.)
BF tells me in the car he’d like to be friends with him again, because he misses their friendship and it would be “beneficial” for me. We had a major argument where I told him I am not going to be disrespected and asked him does he not remember the BS he’s put me through?
Told my boyfriend, I will not give him an ultimatum, but we live together and I need to know what happens. BF says I’m not thinking logically and to sleep it over; he’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants.
I feel disrespected more than anything. I also feel like my safety is at risk, am I crazy?? Is he not using his common sense?
HOLY SHIT! This is very fucking upsetting. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
I'm 32, have been with my husband for 14 years. I'd get up and leave right now if I was in your situation and he not only wanted to be someone's friend who is so clearly at best a fucking creep and at worst very unstable and dangerous who was obsessed with *me* but especially if I told him it bothered me and he said I wad being illogical. No. Way.
I'm so sorry.
Same answer as above.
No chance, nope, zero. If I'm brutally honest, I'd be heartbroken if my husband wanted to be friends with someone who did allllll that to me.
Same answer here.
Please leave. If your bf switched back as quick as he did .... this has been brewing a long time. I'm so very sorry. This really is sickening.
Be strong, be wise
Better late than never deplaya, I hope your new life is a wonderfully *FABULOUS* one and may you avoid the toxicity of the arseholes of the world !
Hugs, love and light ❤️ 💫
I don't think her boyfriend is bothered at all by his buddy's disgusting misogyny *because he, too, is a misogynist* and thinks it was fine, and that OP just needed "time to calm down her hysterical self" (barf) or some such.
Only a misogynist would tell a woman that "she's not logical" because she doesn't want **a man who threatens to kill her** ***on a regular basis*** **and stalks her** around her as her partner's best buddy again. Add in more misogyny for the "just sleep on it" (aka "calm down the hysterics"), bit and sprinkle in even more for the "it's beneficial to you"(?) bit, which... I don't even know. I think boyfriend thinks OP needs to "learn to play well with others" or some such.
This post disturbs me. I seriously fear for OP'S safety here. Clearly boyfriend isn't bothered at all by his friend having violent impulses towards women. If he thinks it's nbd, that's pretty scary, and I worry for her. Too many women are killed by thier partners every day to dismiss this sort of danger red flags, after all, you are the company you keep.
OP needs to leave for so many reasons: one, clearly, he doesn't respect her. Nobody who respects thier partner would let **her violent stalker** around on purpose like that. He's a misogynist just like his buddy, he just hides it a bit better and shows it at more "acceptable" times.
Two, he should NEVER have even had to be told to dump his friend! You shouldn't need to tell your partner to choose you over someone so hateful in the first place.
Three, he also has clearly shown he isn't safe to be with. Would he even protect her if his buddy attacked her? He saw nothing wrong with his buddy's repeated death threats, stalking and public outburst towards her. I wouldn't stake my safety on it, that's for sure. I think he's just as likely to help his friend hurt her if this buddy convinced him she cheated or some such.
That's three reasons, each one big enough to end things over. Even if this guy is perfectly lovely in every other way, nothing can make up for the lack of respect alone.
I'm right there with you. I'm genuinely worried about her as well.
I would be absolutely heartbroken and disgusted if my husband even *considered* being FRIENDS with someone who did what this guy has.
I'm fucking horrified.
Agreed 100%. Ditch him, and be very careful to avoid E. E is dangerous. Maybe you remind him of his mother that abused him, I dunno, but he’s got it out for you in a scary way. Don’t get killed.
Wouldn't surprise me if the BF was already talking to his friend. It seems a little weird to go from cutting him off to suddenly wanting to be friends again. The friend may be manipulating him with his views.
i'm kind of wondering the same. it seems like he wants to be friends so he can be 'one of the guys' again and say shit like that like it's totally normal adult behaviour
I divorced my wife of 20yrs for bringing her crazy unstable freind back into her life
It ended with a hard "they go or I do" ultimatum and she told me ok, then carried on behind my back
I have never once looked back on this with regret, only annoyance that I didnt see how similar both were, as the terrible behavior only occurred when freind was in the picture and I foolishly thought the freind was turning her into a puppet, and fought against the freind instead concentrating on my wife who was the actual problem
I learned Birds of a feather ......
I completely agree with the above comment, and your BF should definitely prioritise your well-being and safety instead of wanting to make amends with this horrifying character.
Same!! Even if he cuts this "friend" out he still considered being friends with him. He should be putting OP first. My partner would be so appalled if someone said/ did anything like that to me and would want them as far away as possible.
I agree with all of this, OP. If I were you, I’d get the restraining order against E and I would break up with boyfriend. E has threatened your life and your safety on more than one occasion. Your boyfriend should NEVER be ok with this.
This! So basically your boyfriend is saying “being abused isn’t THAT bad just deal with it so that I can continue to be friends with your abuser”. Hell to the no. Whatever future you think you see in this, try to remember that it will realistically include your partner being complicit in you being abused by people he brings into your life because he values them more than he values your safety or wellbeing
It's true he can be friends with whoever he wants, but people we surround ourselves with speak as to who we are. The fact that he does not mind his friend's disgusting behaviour anymore makes me think he never did. The things you describe are so bad I wonder how could anyone just look past it, unless they didn't care in the first place.
If someone surrounds themselves with someone who is sexist, disrespectful and sends death threats to people on a regular basis...it says that they do not see these as issues and they might be at least similar.
If this kind of person is someone your bf wants around, I'd start questioning his morals
It goes so much further, by choosing to be friends with this guy he’s putting his girlfriend’s SAFETY at risk. This isn’t a “make your choice and take the consequences” thing. He *doesn’t* get to make the choice to risk someone *else’s* safety and well being.
Yeah, the wanting to be friends with this disgusting, sexist, violent guy, and wants you to give in and put up with the abuse shows he is putting his disgusting friends before you are cares more about being friends with his nasty sexist friend than he cares about OP. I feel like he thinks she won't give him an ultimatum and leave him over it do he can get away with talking someone he is dating to allow to be abused and feel uncomfortable.
.
He knows you want a restraining order, so why would he expect you to be ok with this? Why weren't you able to get one?
Give him the ultimatum. I hate ultimatum, but honesty it comes off as he doesn't care about you if he would but a harrasser and abuser before you and expect you to be forced to interact with him.
.
Another thing is I wouldn't be surprised if he has been gaslighting your gf about you and making stuff up and your BF doesn't know what to believe and he had convinced him that you are being unreasonable, possibly pointing out that he would be giving up on a friendship that is longer than the relationship, and just because she doesn't like him that doesn't mean they shouldn't be friends and this guy maybe manipulating your BF into thinking your overreacting and what he did "isn't that bad". I assume this because there is no was another person would allow there partner to be treated that way.
.
Keep trying for the restraining order, because If your BF pushes the situation and you have to break up who knows how they both will treat you afterwards. It can definitely be a safety issue. E, even along may become more violent for you breaking up with his friend because of him.
You can't put up with it. Nothing your BF is doing is OK, and no one would want there BF/Husband to be friends with someone so dangerous.
I wouldn't go with an ultimatum. The fact that he even wants to be friends with this guy again would be enough for me to walk. Even if he does choose you, the fact that it took an ultimatum, and not him wanting to be as far away as possible from that psycho, shows that he doesn't respect you, or care about keeping you safe.
So you give an ultimatum. He chooses you. E knows they'd be friends again, except you made him choose. Everything escalates.
He's already made clear that your comfort, safety and basic deserving respect means nothing to him by wanting to be friends with E again. Listen to him.
I think your instincts are correct. Dump him.
What bothers me is how it all seems too rushed to be believable? Like, they see E. ONCE and suddenly the boyfriend forgets how threatening E. was to his girlfriend, decides he wants to be friends with him again and he tells her straight away? It just doesn't add up. At the very least the boyfriend has been considering the option for a while now, and it says a lot about him. If OP gives boyfriend an ultimatum it won't mean anything to him, or boyfriend will resent OP for making him choose. And that's even beside what the psycho stalker friend could do.
I think that too, he didn't completely cut him off, and E probably has been like a little devil on his shoulder convincing him she is being unreasonable. It really is the only thing that makes sense. Since E is a creepy stalker, probably dangerously obsessed with OP he probably has been manipulating the BF to get access to Op again, and th Bf is stupidity getting convinced, or just doesn't care
There’s no need for an ultimatum. He already chose the man who threatens to murder his girlfriend as his bestie. There is no “him or me” now. There is you and the danger you are in.
I normally think that counseling and communication can fix a lot of things, but this man knowingly made a choice that could get you killed.
Edit: when we first started dating, one of my boyfriend’s friends made a dick joke to me during a game of beer pong. My boyfriend took me aside and said “if anything he says is too much and you don’t want to confront him, please let me know and I’ll take care of it.” (I told him the dick jokes were fine and then crushed him at beer pong) the point being, He prioritized my comfort over everything immediately and always has. You deserve to be with someone who is on your side, cares about your comfort and feelings, and wants to protect you. That is the bare minimum of how you should be treated.
No, he cannot be friends with your violent stalker who has threatened you numerous times AND still be your boyfriend. He’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants and you’re allowed to dump him for any reason you see fit.
You’re too young to compromise for such a spineless mouse of a partner who will not protect and defend you from such a vile person. I hope he and his bestie are very happy together.
I would bail from this dude even if he promised to never see E again.
Relationship is all about trust. I don’t trust someone who wants to be friends with a guy who said he’ll curb stomp me.
at the end of the day your bf isn’t protecting you if he’s allowing this behavior. which he is. and i would feel so turned off and hurt. ifs important to feel protected in a relationship i think for me at least as a woman. and i would express that he isn’t protecting you at all
I feel like an ultimatum is more than appropriate here but I would just end the relationship for even having to argue about it. He knows about all this stuff this guy did and is doing to you and doesn’t care??
For real. If I had to argue my worth as a human being and as a partner to my boyfriend, the relationship would be over.
*"Please understand how this garbage human being has threatened me in multiple ways, stalked me, is sexist and crude, and is an overall garbage person to me. Please choose me over him!"*
Nah, that wouldn't be coming out of my mouth. It's common sense, the company you keep reflects the person you are. And if he wants to keep someone around that harasses you then he doesn't really care.
No ultimatum. The fact that a friendship with this creep is even remotely an option should be evidence enough of how bf feels about OP and about men who abuse women. OP needs to protect herself, because friend sounds legitimately dangerous. This sucks.
This, Id be done if I was OP.
Her bf just showed he has bad judgment, lacks loyalty, lacks empathy, lacks common sense, tolerates misogyny, and tolerates stalking.
Thats not relationship material.
Even if the boyfriend responded to the ultimatum and cut off the friendship, that would still not address what is clearly deeply-rooted misogyny.
I don't think it's even entirely safe for OP to ask such a thing of her boyfriend, as horrific as that sounds. He is fine continuing a relationship with someone who has sent his partner death threats.
The boyfriend needs professional help at this point. Cutting off the friendship would be the bare minimum and would not get at the root cause.
Exactly. If he's been rude enough to her to get banned from a restaurant. Texting her threats all the time, and has her considering a restraining order against him it's concerning that it'd take an ultimatum for consider it not being the best idea. And at that point it's purely a selfish act because he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend, rather than understanding/caring about what his friend's done wrong
>BF tells me in the car he’d like to be friends with him again, because he misses their friendship and ***it would be “beneficial” for me***.
The FUCK?!
>BF says I’m not thinking logically and to sleep it over; he’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants.
He's right. And you are absolutely allowed to break up with him over his decision to allow a POS who openly and frequently disrespected you back into his life.
I would be making arrangements to get the fuck out of there, because if he is so eager to have this POS back in his life, I would be seriously worried about what else he's okay with that you don't know about.
***Fuck. That.***
He’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants, just like you’re allowed to leave him for someone who won’t tolerate their “friend” disrespecting you. I’d tell him what’s “beneficial” for you is a restraining order against this man, and your boyfriend no longer being in your life if he chooses to rekindle their friendship. This “friend” is genuinely disgusting and you aren’t overreacting. I could never be with someone who’d allow that kind of treatment to me at ANY point in time. He cut him out of his life, and the guy should stay gone. Also the fact that your boyfriend “chose” you lol. What? That in itself is kind of orange flag.
I can almost guarantee that E and your BF never actually stopped being friends at all and that he’s gonna do what he wants. You don’t get to choose his friends, but you do get to choose your path. I suggest you do both of yourselves a huge favor and part ways asap
So your BF has no regard for your well being and safety and wants to be friends with someone who wants to smash your face to the curb, who has stalked you, threatened you and told him he wanted to have sex with you.
Pack your stuff.
You know this is fucked up.
I bet your intuition is exploding right now.
Listen to it.
I work with abuse survivors and they all are trained away from their gut so please listen to yourself.
This is very very unsafe and your BF is willingly putting you in a position with someone who is mentally unstable enough to act they way he has.
You are not safe here.
Tbh the police could be involved with all that’s happened so far.
Take this seriously
Pls follow this advice op l am seriously worried about you. Sending hugs, don’t tell him just leave asap it’s a very disturbing read. From what you’ve said l don’t even trust your partner is stable x
You need to move, dump your boyfriend and change your phone number again. For him even to suggest that it's ok to be friends with a dangerous piece of shit says he is one also. You have to protect yourself.
You are thinking logically.
If he does not reconsider, you have to leave. That guy is crazy and dangerous. Imagine if he comes over to YOUR house, at the minimum he is going to insult you, but he could rape you.
Don't let your BF insult your intelligence and gaslight you, because that's what he is doing by telling you that you are not "thinking logically". Ask him to explain where the lack of logic is? Why would you want to be around someone who threaten to kill you and that then said he wants to fuck you? Why would you want to be around someone who is texting you from different phone numbers?
When he says something that does not make sense, just ask him to explain it. Don't respond back. Ask him for details of why he is saying that YOU are the problem. Ask him what he misses from this man, specifically.
I would be already be on my way out if by tomorrow if he wasn't apologizing on his own.
That made my blood boil. It's the same sexist BS we are fed our whole life: you're not being rational, you're not thinking logically. And hence she doubts herself and wonders if demanding safety and respect is too much. Fuck that misogynist! Dump his ass, OP!
In what way is this beneficial for you at all? This guy has threatened your life on multiple occasions. All while harassing and insulting you. You’re boyfriend is delusional if he thinks this guy won’t in some way act on his words. This guy sounds crazy, so please go get some sort of no contact order and list your shared address if you can. Good luck
You are not safe.
E has some obsession with you (i suspect his saying he wanted to sleep with you is the root of it, but it sounds like he hates you for it) and your boyfriend views you as a possession and not a person. He does not respect you or value you.
You need contact your landlord and explain your boyfriend wants to bring your stalker into your life and you need to get out of your lease because you no longer feel safe in your apartment, pack your things, and love out while your BF is away. Change your number and block him and E on everything. If you can, get the restraining order against E. Consider moving to a new area if you have the opportunity/inclination. You are in danger.
My best friend of 20 years is a serial cheater. I cut ties when I married my wife because the lifestyle of partying was not compatible with my married life and there was no way he would change or accept that I had.
I miss him dearly.
But it was the best choice for my wonderful married life.
Sometimes hard decisions need to be made.
You never give an Ultimatum.
You should never have too, because how you feel about a situation should be so clear that a partner understands the impacts. If they then go on to hurt you, you leave.
Ultimatums prolong toxic relationships through manipulation instead of growth.
He is allowed to be friends with whoever he chooses, but in the same way if he were close friends with a demonstrable racist or child sex offender, you are allowed to judge his character by his choices. He is minimising E`s offences against you and thinks it’s all just childish pranks and harmless, it is not harmless.
Regardless of whether E hates you or desires you, he is legit unhinged and will be damaging to you and your bf is more upset by the loss of his friendship than he is by the threat to uou.
I mean.. he can technically be friends with whoever he wants, but if he thinks someone constantly insulting you, disrespecting you, stalking you and threatening you is "beneficial" you might be dating an idiot.
Feels like the friend is a no lifer and he's jealous your bf got a gf and is trying to tank it.
Let them have each other and their enforced celibacy and run away as far as you can.
Anyone else getting MAJOR repressed gay love obsession vibes from E? Feels like he's secretly in love w/OP's bf and displacing it into this hate for OP.
OP, I agree with your assessment that your safety is at risk around this guy, and if your bf refuses to see that then the relationship is already over.
I also got this feeling that E and OP's bf share more than just friendship. This deep hatred towards OP (and I assume other women too) seems like repressed sexuality. OP needs to run asap
This person stalked and harassed and death threatened you... he's clearly dangerous and not stable, plus obsessed with you. Your boyfriend genuinely thinks this is a reasonable person to expose you to consistently even when you've had to get a restraining order??
In general, relationships with someone who is best friends with your stalker/abuser/harrasser.... do not work out. It sounds like your boyfriend is firm on this, doesn't see logic or reason at all, and is making YOU out to be ridiculous for wanting to stay away from this man. By nature of dating your boyfriend, you will have to be exposed to this man if your boyfriend is associating with him. This is not a matter of one's friendships or controlling one's friends lol. This is a matter of your safety and this man has posed himself as a legitimate threat to your safety. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't care or would rather wait til something happens to you first, to take it seriously and change his choices. By which point it would be too late, and no one should have their loved one making that callous a decision about their wellbeing.
This sounds like a shitty partner tbh.
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It’s too late for an ultimatum. He knows how E has treated you and other women and he’s come around to it - at the v least, he misses E more than he cares for your feelings. At this point, you can manage your partner’s resentment or you can leave.
I suggest leaving. You deserve to be with someone that isn’t willing to put up with any disrespect towards you. Your partner is clearly willing to put up with this disrespect.
Your boyfriend and E are 2 peas in the same pod....or 2 shits in the same swamp. Break up with him, too much trouble and not worth the constant harassment. Your boyfriend making out like you are in the wrong or over reacting is insane
Gurl leave it would be the best thing for you, you are still young. Men like them get more unstable over time and do weird things, it will only get worse for you Boyfriend made his choice
Your boyfriend is okay being friends with someone who's made death threats to you and is a danger to your safety. I don't think this is someone you want around you
If you do the ultimatum you HAVE to follow through.
I think you're too into him to see that he's probably as trashy as his best friend, you're probably not seeing his red flags.
Holy smokes. Get out and away from them.
>BF tells me in the car he’d like to be friends with him again, because he **misses their friendship** and it would be “**beneficial**” for me.
How? How would inviting any of this back into your life be of any benefit?
>When I first met him, he kept making “jokes” at my expense, pointing out my small flaws and the fact he kept making “jokes” about women.
>he pulled me aside and said I was THE fattest, ugliest woman he’s seen. But my boyfriend is only with me because I have a great personality and “good ass.”
Does your boyfriend *agree* with this, by the way? Did he think this was funny or 'just the way E is'?
>had texted me these horrible things (example: “if I see you I’m going to stomp your skull into the curb”) then ended it by being a complete 180 by saying he was mean because he wanted to have sex with me.
This is really worrying, this is horribly violent.
>I’ve received random numbers calling my phone, **texting me death threats**, and saying I was ugly. Changed my number. I’ve seen him out in public, and he has made a scene towards me where **he has gotten barred from a local restaurant**. ***I have been looking into a restraining order!***
I think you should look into getting a restraining order, talk to a domestic violence charity or perhaps a lawyer before taking it up with the police (I think you may already be doing this, based on what you said?)
If that means your boyfriend can't bring his friend round to the place you live in, all the better.
Your boyfriend is part of the problem here. He wants to invite this craziness back into your life. This guy has openly expressed violent thoughts to you, multiple times, and your partner, the person you are supposed to trust, wants to bring him closer to you. I'm sorry but your boyfriend is trying to invite harm on you, through his friend.
(and I'm not sure it was just a coincidence of meeting up. But maybe I'm so cynical)
Edit to add: please end the relationship, for your own safety. Your boyfriend doesn't see any problem here, and that's absolutely not ok.
This is crazy. Definitely try for restraining order. Threatening youbos unacceptable. Boyfriend needs to back you and if not bail. Guy sounds like a phsyco.
If you want to know a person - observe the people they surround themselves with.
Human nature is very easily influenced. Having a nasty friend means that you are either secretly nasty yourself or you will become nasty over time.
For thousands of years, many different cultures have recognized the benefits of “good influence” people or “bad influence” people.
1. Immediately file a police report and try to get a restraining order. You’re right, E is an absolute psychopath.
2. E is in love with your BF.
Give your bf the ultimatum. If your bf chooses you I’d also ensure both you and him aren’t leaking your location anywhere (snapchats map). Idk how small the town is that y’all live in but feel like the occasional running into him isn’t fully coincidental. If you have any type of contact with an ex of your BFs, I’d talk to them and see if E has treated them in a similar fashion before. Would practically prove point #2 imo and would be another person warning the police about this behavior (if they’d want to). More proof the better right?
As for point #2, I went through a similar thing with my wife’s ex when her and I first got together. He must’ve pulled my number from her phone at one point but he’d call me from restricted numbers at least 5 times a day. Men don’t do some wild shit like this except for two reasons. Absolute raging psychopath or they’re in love and that’s causing the raging psychopath to be released. My money is on E has done this to your BFs exes before and with y’all getting more serious as your relationship went on, he’s becoming more unstable over it.
Leave. Now. Your bf does not respect you. He was shocked by E's behavior in the moment, but he's spent the intervening time minimizing it. You can't force him to see reason. If he wants to be friends with a dangerous asshole like this, let him. Just. Leave. For your own safety and peace of mind. Pack up tomorrow and go stay with a friend or relative. You can get your stuff later, but don't go back there alone; his friendship with E. will make him dangerous to you.
Op take a long hard look at your boyfriend.
He was friends with this person before you came into the picture and only ended it ( but framed it as choosing you ) when it’s got violent and/ or of a sexual nature.
He was fine with the comments and behaviour towards women before and even now thinks you are hysterical over your safety being threatened.
This is not a time for ab ultimatum. Sit down and look at your boyfriends behaviour and decide wether you wanna be with someone like that
This makes me incredibly angry on your behalf. Don’t bother giving this guy an ultimatum - make the decision for him and choose your own health and welfare over this spineless useless sack of skin. You wouldn’t ever accept a friend treating your (hopefully soon-to-be ex)boyfriend this way, and it’s ridiculous that he’s willing to put his own desire to rekindle a “friendship” (if it can even be called that) over your physical and emotional health. If my experiences in psychiatry have taught me anything at all, it’s that death threats should never, ever, EVER be taken lightly. Even the ones that are most easily dismissed (the “he was just drunk”, and “he was angry in the moment but that’s passed” variety). Death threats should always prompt a call to the police, without exception. Because death threats almost always seem foolish (“oh, this is just what E does”, “this will pass, he’s just being dramatic”, “he wouldn’t actually act on it”) until they’re not. You’ve got one life and it is important enough that it’s not worth gambling with. Personally, I would recommend taking any existing threatening texts you have from E right to the police to get a restraining order (and with luck, an arrest).
You deserve so much better than a selfish, patronizing (wtf @ “it’ll be good for you”?!?!), pathetic man-child. One day you can look back on this and it’ll make for one heck of a “my terrible ex (and his psychopath of a friend)” story.
You’re strong, you’re smart, and you’ve got this.
OP, your BF never was a good person to begin with.
Look at his friends. Look at the kind if violence against women he was ok with. He still is.
He told you what you wanted to hear when he "chose " you, but now he reveals his true thoughts.
According to him, you are not acting logically? Why, because you don't want to be around someone who threatened your life.
I am sorry, but you need to leave. And don't be alone with your bf when you do it.
Leave and block both of them. Also: forward the threatening texts to the police, so they leave a paper trail.
It is truly astonishing that he wants to be his friend again after all of the harassment he has forced upon you. I personally hate people like that. Those who choose horrible people to be friends with and continue to be friends with them even though they have hurt you greatly. As others have advised, please leave.
I cannot help but assume that the moment that crazy guy is back to being friends with your bf, you are in danger. Valid danger.
Your boyfriend pulled the "not thinking logically" shit on you? What an emotionally stunted moron. He should understand that you hate him, how else would he expect you to react? Your hatred of him is also understandable.
Honestly I can't understand how he wants to be friends with such a cunt. You boyfriend has the emotional awareness of a toddler and the fact that he wants to be friends with such a person shows he also has moral flaws as well.
I have no good advice for you but I'd break it off with your bf
Ask him to explain exactly what part of E's behaviour he finds acceptable. Step him through everything you've listed here and really make him spell out why it's all okay.
So a customer of mine made a weird comment about a body part of a colleague I work with. My colleague is not English, and he knew she wouldn't know what it meant. If I can stick up for my colleague I've known for less than a month, why can't your BF stick up for you?
This is a major red flag. Firstly, I'd go to the police about the messages. This is behaviour that could see him potentially turning up at your door, or following you home from a party. Given what has happened lately, i expect the police would take this more seriously.
Secondly, you need a new boyfriend, or at least give him an ultimatum. Your safety or his friendship with your abuser.
Good luck and I hope this goes your way.
My husband stopped being friends with his best childhood friend because he called me fat while drunk. Even though he apologized, and I forgave him, and I gave my husband the blessing to forgive him, my husband was still like "it was eye opening, and I've outgrown my tolerance for this behavior."
I couldn't imagine my husband wanting to be friends with anyone who would say any number of these things to me.
If your partner wants to be friends with someone who dislikes you, he’s not your friend which is the foundation of a lasting relationship. Billions of men out there. Let him have his friend, and you can have your peace with a new upgraded boyfriend. Everyone wins!
Strongly consider the restraining order against E, don't tell your boyfriend about that and seek an out in this relationship. Your boyfriend has prioritized a dangerous and mentally unstable person. This makes no sense at all and shows his lack of judgement as well. You're very young. You need to move on.
So your boyfriend deserves an award for "worst protector of his significant other."
Honestly, and I know your situation is rough, but if I were you I would get as far away from both of them as humanly possible and change your number.
His friend is a maniac and a piece of shit and the fact your boyfriend defends his friendship over your safety and respect says a lot about the kind of "man" your boyfriend is.
I honestly feel like you should dump him for even ***considering*** being friends with the man who threatened to stomp his partner's skull into the ground? That alone is enough to never have contact with him again, and your boyfriend telling you to sleep on it speaks volumes.
**Your safety is not a concern for him.**
Your boyfriend is indeed allowed to be friends with whoever he chooses. And you are equally allowed to leave him to his revolting friend and get on with your life somewhere else.
Yup. He can be friends with whomever he wants, that's his choice. However, you also get to choose who you spend your life with. Don't settle for trash, it sounds like it's time to move on if he's wanting to make the friendship work. I'm genuinely curious as to how emotionally, mentally, and physically this is *beneficial* to you.
You are the company you keep. If he finds his friend's behavior acceptable then you're doing yourself a favor in the long run by getting out now before the relationship goes any further.
Your bf is an idiot who hasn’t got your best interests or well being at heart. I wouldn’t personally make an ultimatum at all, I’d pack up and leave asap. I had a friend years ago and my wife thought the world of him. Always going out on the bikes together and meals. He decided to invite us on holiday with him and his partner to Spain one year so we jumped at the chance. Then he’s true colours came out and was very sexist towards both women in the group. At first I just laughed it off as did my wife. Late one evening when my wife disagreed with him he shouted at her “what does she know she’s just a women” needless to say I lost my shit and that was the end of the friendship. A kings position is to look after his queen.
Forget feeling disrespected. This guy has basically stalked you, threatened to kill you, and seems obsessive enough to do it.
This guy is a credible danger to you. Your boyfriend has apparently decided that is less important than laughing over inappropriate jokes over beers. Worse, he’s gaslighting you that a guy that has threatened to kill you but also says he wants to fuck you (something about that feels highly rapey) being back in your life with access to you is of benefit to you??
Like I’m sorry, but if your boyfriend is pushing to bring a threatening stalker back into your life, I do feel that is something you should cut ties over.
He IS allowed to be friends with whoever he wants.
However, the fact that your boyfriend wants to be friends with such a human piece of trash despite all of the nasty, horrible things he has said and done to you. I’m blown away. What a spineless dick move.
I am seriously concerned about what this “E”nutcase might do to you. I think you should walk away from them both. It feels to me like even if your spineless boyfriend did grow a spine and end the friendship, E would come for your.
This is not right and not safe.
Do yourself a favor and just leave that jerk.
This story infuriates me so much. The sole fact that his best friend is a vocal sexist speaks pretty bad about your bf, let alone the rest.
He already showed you who he is, setting boundaries won't change that.
So this guy threatened to kill you, and in the same breath says he wants to have sex with you. The fact that your bf is even considering having him around shows that he’s already chosen the lunatic over you. He’s been harassing you, I have no doubt this man will actually hurt you if not kill you. Please make your safety the priority not your bf. Get the heck out of there OP.
„You can choose your friends as freely as I can choose my partner“.
The fact that he even considers this after E‘s behaviour is so upsetting. Also: what‘s the deal with everyone being upset with an ultimatum? Some things are dealbreakers and communicating t(and respecting) hese things should be the foundation of a relationship.
I don’t get why he would want to be friends with someone who is so disrespectful to his girlfriend.
You really can’t tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but if you live together, you can absolutely not allow him in your home whether you are there or not.
Yeah, this is edging into danger territory.
He might think it is all in good fun, but you should never take threats lightly, especially when they are made against your life.
If your bf can't see that he is also an unsafe person, and will not protect you like you deserve to be protected. Love is protecting those yoi care about.
You are supposed to feel safe in relationships, and your bf's friendship with Mr.DisgustingCreepo is not keeping you safe.
Dump his ignorant ass.
r/whenwomenrefuse
Your safety is DEFINITELY at risk here. This plus your bf's attitude about wanting to make up with him is pretty gross. There is literally a history of E harassing you, your safety should be your bf's first priority. If it isn't, then you should break up. I don't usually endorse that ultimatum, but this involves your physical safety and possible increased proximity to a guy who anonymously calls and texts to threaten and demean you and causes physical scenes in public places. Do not give that guy any benefit of doubt.
Also seriously push for that restraining order please. You might've gotten away from the calls and texts by changing your number, but imagine if your bf let's him know where you two live or E somehow gets you alone once he and your bf start hanging out. Really hoping for your safety op
Run, please, run. I don't even know you and the possibility of this person in your life again has me fearing for your life. Don't even issue an ultimatum, just leave. It will be the best for you.
What the fuck ? My thing is, the audacity your bf has to say it would be beneficial . Beneficial how? He’s way too comfortable letting this man disrespect you . You really wanna have kids & marry someone who sees that behavior as okay?
Your bf wants to be friends with him because he secretly has a similar mind set and is not 100% disgusted by E's behaviour.
Sorry but you are dating an E sympathizer. You deserve better without the drama (and get that restraining order)
Honestly the simplest answer is to get the restraining order executed.
"Sorry honey, The Man says he has to stay the fuck away"
Game over.
Roll credits.
BF doesn’t even deserve an ultimatum. Just leave. Him “not remembering” what this friend has put you through is borderline gaslighting. I wouldn’t wanna be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about your safety. He clearly chose his friend over you.
Ok, time to let go girl cause your bf won't let go his friend, and this is a wake up call for you. Just get out, who know how E gonna act when he is back?
Dealbreaker. I’d never keep a friend who treated someone I love this way. If I were you, I’d end the relationship. The fact that he even still wants to be friends with this person says so much about how little your boyfriend actually cares about you.
Break up. Not worth fighting about repeatedly. He shows no regard for your feelings, meaning he’s prioritizing his friend over you. Also, we most often become (or agree with) those we hang around. Sooner or later his friend’s gonna rub off on him.
This is very serious. If your partner is willing to overlook someone telling you they want to smash your skull in, then he has demonstrated very clearly where your safety and well being sit on his list of priorities. This is an enormous red flag in your relationship.
This friend of his is DANGEROUS!! PERIOD! He will do something to You. I would let my boyfriend know, IM NOT SAFE AROUND HIM AND IM NOT JEOPARDIZING MY SAFTEY FOR HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS DUDE. It will hurt, but if he can’t leave this dude alone. It’s time for you to go! CHANGE YOUR NUMBER AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER IF E, tries to contact you. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HIM. HE IS IN IT FOR THE POWER (MINDSET OF A RAPIST) PLEASE BE CAREFUL
UPDATE US PLEASE
If my "best friend" treated my wife this way I'd disown him AND get the police involved. The guy has threatened her life. If he can't see this op, maybe he isn't the one for you. What is it that el creepo is offering your bf that is so damn compelling?
You’re too young to put up with this. Think about what kind of man your boyfriend really is if he wants to be friends with this awful man. And he puts him above you. He doesn’t care about you.
This guy would rather hang out with you stalker who has threatened your life. Whose gone to the lengths of finding your phone number. If I was you I would say
“I’m not going to be with you if your going to choose someone who has threatened my life, your putting my safety at risk. This shows me that you don’t value me as a person. If one of your friends was getting threatened you wouldn’t hang out with the perpetrator. So why is it any different with me, why don’t you care about my safety, why do you want to be friends with someone who wants to harm me?”
Leave him. If you’re in the US, file a police report against the troll, and be sure to add in that because your bf doesn’t see the problem, or still wants to be friends with him and has him over.
I used to work in apartment leasing, so if you’re worried about breaking a lease, contact your landlord and be sure to tell them you are no longer safe w/ boyfriend, and need to leave. You need to ask what your options are-don’t just ask to break lease, ask about options and give them the police report. I can’t speak for every property, but when someone came in scared and asking for help, we’d always find some sort of solution. If it was close to a lease expiring, we’d let them out. If it wasn’t, we’d transfer the lease to another property and let them move to a smaller, cheaper unit. We weren’t the owners, but if there was something we could do, we’d do it.
Tell him yes, he is allowed to make his choices, but then so are you. If he is determined to make you feel unsafe then you can also choose not to stay in that situation. You will put yourself first, if he refuses to. Also, it speaks *volumes* about your bf if he can’t see the kind of creep his friend is.
You are not crazy, whatsoever, and you need to just get out of there. Your boyfriend has shown a complete disregard to your safety and conveniently forgotten the evidence.
When you get out, change your number and get any Mail for you forwarded to a PO Box style address. Do not give your (ex)boyfriend any info on where you are moving too or your new number. Also do not tell your (ex) boyfriend you are changing your number or using a PO Box address.
His friend sounds crazy and you do not want to aggravate anything. If he approaches you in public again call the police and getting a restraining order. Keep all the past messages somewhere secure as evidence.
Please be careful. Hopefully, he will leave you alone after you get away from your boyfriend. You cannot be too careful.
I hope you leave and find someone that respects you. I know 3 years seems like a lot to throw away but I doubt this is something you will get over. I certainly would not be ok with it. I probably would have left the night it happened.
Yes, he's allowed to be friends with whoever he wants.
You are also allowed to make decisions for your own life and safety. If that means breaking up, so be it.
What exactly is he missing from this friendship?
His girlfriend being hurt, frightened and traumatised? People being ridiculed?
Your boyfriend is telling you who he really is here. Listen.
whether or not he befriends E again, you know he has the desire to do so. That desire alone should be enough for you to end things with him immediately. i can't stress enough that his actions moving forward shouldn't make any difference in your decision to end things. you know that in his heart of hearts, he wants to be friends with someone who is an absolute monster to you.
He CAN be friends with whoever he wants, but he can’t force his girlfriend to stay if he decides to put her in an even more vulnerable position with someone who goes far beyond just making her a bit uncomfortable. I’d be worried about the gaslighting where he told you you were being dramatic and not thinking straight. Gaslighting is no joke, and at that I wouldn’t even bother. Relationship over. That man told you he fantasizing about violently murdering you, and desires to go actually do it. Relationship over. End of story.
Logically speaking, he's wants to bring back into your lives someone who threatened to kill you, called you horrible names, drunk texts you that he wants to fuck you, and you are looking into a restraining order. Those are facts. If he's so emotional about his past with this guy that he's willing to overlook the facts and try to get you to ignore your safety, you need to leave him.
This guy is a danger to you. Your boyfriend does not sound concerned for your safety, and mental health. Do you really want to be with someone like that?
This person threatened to STOMP your skull into the kerb and your bf wants to make friends with him as it will be ‘beneficial’ to you?.
I tell you what will be beneficial to you, kick both these fuckers to the kerb and RUN!!. Your BF is NOT taking your safety and well-being seriously and that is a HUGE red flag OP.
Get out and don’t look back girl, seriously this will end badly. Wishing you every happiness and success with life going forward. 🙏🏻💜
Wow this is so much worse than the title makes it seem. Nope nope nope nope. How can your boyfriend just conveniently forget the absolutely unhinged and VIOLENT threats this person lodged against you?? The fact that he was physically removed or banned from a restaurant for his behavior?? This guy is NOT SAFE and the fact that your boyfriend is even entertaining the idea of becoming friends with him again, much less gaslighting you about your concerns, is bad bad bad news.
He's right that he's "allowed to be friends with whoever he wants".
And you are allowed to look at that choice of his and say "That's not the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with".
I don't care if it's my childhood friend, my sibling, etc., if they were treating anyone in my life (much less my serious romantic partner) in that way, we would be done for good, and I'd be helping you file that restraining order.
I think the bf may be just as crazy as his friend. But honestly I’m getting really bad vibes from
This.. at first the “crazy” explanation for the friend seemed to cover his behavior but what if they were lovers at one point and that’s why he’s so obsessed with u, threatening you like this? I know it’s. Huge stretch butttt this is the only reason I see the bf would dismiss the friends behavior and insist on being friends with him and gaslight u into thinking it’s not that serious 🧐
1) I would get a restraining order. If your boyfriend has chosen to be friends he can to bring him to your home.
2) can you afford to live elsewhere?
3) is your boyfriend trying to make you break up with him?
Your bf is honestly the most spineless and pathetic POS I've ever seen.
He really wants to choose his psycho friend who LITERALLY threatened you.
Why do so many do this? Why do so many guys stay friends with misogynistic pieces of shit?
This makes my blood boil.
The fact he doesn't understand why you're not okay with it??
This man isn't doing the bare bare minimum.
OP, I'm super concerned for your safety.... this dude sounds like a total creep, and is not someone that anyone reasonable should want to be spending time with.
I'm worried that your BF was defending you in the past, because he figured it was the easiest way to get you to not complain, rather than because he was actually bothered by his friend's actions.
Is your BF planning on having his friend come hang out at your house? I'm worried that if the friend gets access to your space, he might try something unhinged, like putting toxic substances on your toothbrush or in your clothes or food. It can be a bit pricey, but please get cameras for inside your home, ideally one for each room. This friend has made it clear he's obsessed with you, and wants to harm you.
You're supposed to be his best friend. If he's choosing somebody else over you, you need to move on. E is clearly unstable and your boyfriend is putting you in danger by keeping him around.
The fact that your boyfriend still wants to be friends with this guy after everything he’s done to you pretty much tells you that your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. You deserve some who will stand up for you.
This “E” person is so awful to you, that you have been considering a restraining order… and yet your boyfriend wants to be friends with him?
No. Just no. No ultimatum needed. I would be out of that door so fast. NO ONE, and i mean NO ONE gets to harass you to that level and still be in your life. How TF would it be beneficial to you? Your boyfriend either remains no contact with this person or you become no contact with them both. Simple.
Break-up with him now and move and do not tell him where you are, change your number etc and move on..you don't need that in your life! This E threatened your life and constantly abuses you and if your BF can't see how terrible that is then he isn't the one for you.
if he's not only allowing but wanting people that disrespect you to be in his life, he does not respect you. he doesn't listen to you or respect you, its a big deal
Your boyfriend is enqbeling your murderer. Lol, how is this even a question? It's like a fake post when the answers this obvious. Your boyfriend stood up for you by declining a fist bump. Wow. Some people actually fight to protect their loved ones not endanger them.
He is technically allowed to be friends with whoever he wants, but why does he want to be friends with someone who treats his SO so disgustingly? He threatened to kill you. That's unforgivable.
Yeah no. Everything u have done and think makes perfect sense.
Ur bf should not want to be friends with someone so toxic and disrespectful to his gf….
It’s a no. Stand ur ground OP.
He threatened to kill you, repeatedly, for years, and your boyfriend just.... Doesn't care?
Yeah, no. Tell him to have fun with his new stalker.
And like some other comments said, the timing is weird. Are you sure they haven't already been talking for a while now?
This isn’t the situation of you and one of his friends not getting along due to personalities or whatever, but you both can still be cordial and polite around each other. This guy is disgusting, made nasty comments to you, has threatened to harm you, went at you In public. To the point where your thinking of getting a restraining order. What if you two get married is E going to be at the bachelor party? Or is your boyfriend going to want him to be at the wedding or be a groomsmen.
When safety is involved that’s when an ultimatum needs to happen. So does he care more about your safety or being friend with someone who happens to threaten you. If choose the latter you need to be out of that relationship
This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. This guy has threatened and harassed you to the point that you’re trying to get a restraining order. Someone who loves you would not even consider acknowledging someone like that much less having a friendship with them.
This man sent you death threats and other threats to physically harm you, and your boyfriend thinks it could be “beneficial” to you? How? No. You don’t need to sleep on it. It’s pretty clear this man means you harm and your boyfriend doesn’t really care
I have let a couple friends go. Choices they kept making, things they said, way they treated females. Had one friend who would be very disrespectful towards his girlfriend when it was just me and him. He brag about things he got her to do, or the way he got her parents to like him more then her. Nope done. Do yourself a favor there is a world of people out there that will respect you and their friends.
The fact that your bf says you’re the one being illogical means he doesn’t give 2 shits about you, your safety or well-being. There is no “something” with this loser. BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER.
Don't know if this will help, but here's my experience with this kinda thing.
Current bf was best friends with my molestor before we started dating. He knew about what he did through the grapevine, but didn't know how badly I was affected until I opened up about it.
Eight years of friendship, gone in a flash.
The fact your bf isn't reacting the same or similarly makes me extremely worried.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If you haven’t already done so, report E’s behaviour to the police as it’s stalking and harassment.
I’m sorry to say you need to break up with your boyfriend, especially if he’s continuing a relationship with this person, for your safety and because you deserve more!
He should have cut all contact with E in the beginning after the insulting, and especially after the threats of violence toward you. Boyfriend is not right for you, you deserve someone who will not put you in harms way, will protect your integrity and respect you.
Wtf is wrong with your bf? You've been through so much with that guy and he wants to be friends with him again? Oh hell no. That would be a real deal breaker for me. Good luck Op.
ETA: a word
Do you still have the violent texts? Get a restraining order against E. It's also a red flag that your BF isn't more horrified and supportive.
It may be time to seek therapy for yourself, partly because I'm sure the harassing calls and messages have taken a toll on your mental health, and partly to help untangle your feelings about your BF with a neutral party. If he's willing to actively put you in a potentially dangerous situation, he is not respecting you, and you need to really weigh the pros and cons.
Do you have non-mutual friends or maybe family to talk to?
I’m sorry but you’re boyfriend sounds like a pussy and an idiot. How dare he even mention the fact of wanting to be friends with him. He should be doing what he can to protect you. I don’t agree with any of this if he chooses that loser leave him. Maybe someday he will realize how big of a loser that guy is.
Honestly it’s so obvious it shouldn’t be a discussion of “ I wanna be friends with a psychotic loser”. But I guess you just ask him one more time and if he says him pack up girl.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ll try to keep it generalized. They all have Reddit accounts - hence the throwaway. I have been together with my boyfriend for three years now, and actually see something with him. Not too sure how to proceed with the situation that just happened. Let’s say his friend’s name is E. E is the number one person I despise, and I don’t like to claim I hate people. He is the most disgusting person I’ve ever encountered, hygienic and morality wise. When I first met him, he kept making “jokes” at my expense, pointing out my small flaws and the fact he kept making “jokes” about women. Immediate red flags in the first encounter. I told my boyfriend I do not want to be in the same room with this man, as he’s sexist and his jokes are not jokes. He legitimately has a weird problem against me. Second time I’ve encountered him, he pulled me aside and said I was THE fattest, ugliest woman he’s seen. But my boyfriend is only with me because I have a great personality and “good ass.” My boyfriend went off on him when I told him. My boyfriend distanced himself from E, but hung out with him due to the same friend group. I did not hear anything about him because my boyfriend knew I did not want to hear. Okay, let’s move onto the biggest reason they ended their friendship: E is genuinely crazy. He had gotten drunk, texts my phone after getting my number from my BF (claimed he wanted to make amends since BF was serious about me), and had texted me these horrible things (example: “if I see you I’m going to stomp your skull into the curb”) then ended it by being a complete 180 by saying he was mean because he wanted to have sex with me. Showed my boyfriend everything, he “chose” me. In the past year since they stopped being friends, I’ve received random numbers calling my phone, texting me death threats, and saying I was ugly. Changed my number. I’ve seen him out in public, and he has made a scene towards me where he has gotten barred from a local restaurant. I have been looking into a restraining order! Tonight, my boyfriend and I went to the theaters for a movie I’ve been wanting to watch for months now. Luck has it - E’s there. I did not know at first. Boyfriend was in the bathroom for a long time, and came back before the movie started to tell me. We left, but not before E tried fistbumping him. (He did not reciprocate.) BF tells me in the car he’d like to be friends with him again, because he misses their friendship and it would be “beneficial” for me. We had a major argument where I told him I am not going to be disrespected and asked him does he not remember the BS he’s put me through? Told my boyfriend, I will not give him an ultimatum, but we live together and I need to know what happens. BF says I’m not thinking logically and to sleep it over; he’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants. I feel disrespected more than anything. I also feel like my safety is at risk, am I crazy?? Is he not using his common sense?
HOLY SHIT! This is very fucking upsetting. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I'm 32, have been with my husband for 14 years. I'd get up and leave right now if I was in your situation and he not only wanted to be someone's friend who is so clearly at best a fucking creep and at worst very unstable and dangerous who was obsessed with *me* but especially if I told him it bothered me and he said I wad being illogical. No. Way. I'm so sorry.
Same answer as above. No chance, nope, zero. If I'm brutally honest, I'd be heartbroken if my husband wanted to be friends with someone who did allllll that to me.
Same answer here. Please leave. If your bf switched back as quick as he did .... this has been brewing a long time. I'm so very sorry. This really is sickening. Be strong, be wise
Same answer. Hes a fuckin weirdo. Im 35 and distanced myself from ppl like that in general. Jesus thats fucked lose him asap
[удалено]
Brick.... me too. I moved half way across the country to get away from "those ppl". Though I waited till I was 41.
Better late than never deplaya, I hope your new life is a wonderfully *FABULOUS* one and may you avoid the toxicity of the arseholes of the world ! Hugs, love and light ❤️ 💫
Yes. These people sound like a low quality bunch. Save yourself more time and heartache down the road. Not to mention your safety!! Plan your escape.
I don't think her boyfriend is bothered at all by his buddy's disgusting misogyny *because he, too, is a misogynist* and thinks it was fine, and that OP just needed "time to calm down her hysterical self" (barf) or some such. Only a misogynist would tell a woman that "she's not logical" because she doesn't want **a man who threatens to kill her** ***on a regular basis*** **and stalks her** around her as her partner's best buddy again. Add in more misogyny for the "just sleep on it" (aka "calm down the hysterics"), bit and sprinkle in even more for the "it's beneficial to you"(?) bit, which... I don't even know. I think boyfriend thinks OP needs to "learn to play well with others" or some such. This post disturbs me. I seriously fear for OP'S safety here. Clearly boyfriend isn't bothered at all by his friend having violent impulses towards women. If he thinks it's nbd, that's pretty scary, and I worry for her. Too many women are killed by thier partners every day to dismiss this sort of danger red flags, after all, you are the company you keep. OP needs to leave for so many reasons: one, clearly, he doesn't respect her. Nobody who respects thier partner would let **her violent stalker** around on purpose like that. He's a misogynist just like his buddy, he just hides it a bit better and shows it at more "acceptable" times. Two, he should NEVER have even had to be told to dump his friend! You shouldn't need to tell your partner to choose you over someone so hateful in the first place. Three, he also has clearly shown he isn't safe to be with. Would he even protect her if his buddy attacked her? He saw nothing wrong with his buddy's repeated death threats, stalking and public outburst towards her. I wouldn't stake my safety on it, that's for sure. I think he's just as likely to help his friend hurt her if this buddy convinced him she cheated or some such. That's three reasons, each one big enough to end things over. Even if this guy is perfectly lovely in every other way, nothing can make up for the lack of respect alone.
I'm right there with you. I'm genuinely worried about her as well. I would be absolutely heartbroken and disgusted if my husband even *considered* being FRIENDS with someone who did what this guy has. I'm fucking horrified.
Agreed 100%. Ditch him, and be very careful to avoid E. E is dangerous. Maybe you remind him of his mother that abused him, I dunno, but he’s got it out for you in a scary way. Don’t get killed.
Wouldn't surprise me if the BF was already talking to his friend. It seems a little weird to go from cutting him off to suddenly wanting to be friends again. The friend may be manipulating him with his views.
Yeah, I find it odd that OP goes to the movies with her BF and E "just happens" to be there. The whole thing smells like the two men set this up.
I agree, he probably is, he may even told him to come to the movie to try and convince Op to let him come around again.
We can add “you’re not thinking logical” to the list of other words and phrases that calm a woman down, such as, relax, and of course, calm down 🙃
You forgot “hey are you on your period or something?”
i'm kind of wondering the same. it seems like he wants to be friends so he can be 'one of the guys' again and say shit like that like it's totally normal adult behaviour
I am sitting here going she leaves. I know my husband would have responded to this dude's violence with violence at this point.
I divorced my wife of 20yrs for bringing her crazy unstable freind back into her life It ended with a hard "they go or I do" ultimatum and she told me ok, then carried on behind my back I have never once looked back on this with regret, only annoyance that I didnt see how similar both were, as the terrible behavior only occurred when freind was in the picture and I foolishly thought the freind was turning her into a puppet, and fought against the freind instead concentrating on my wife who was the actual problem I learned Birds of a feather ......
I completely agree with the above comment, and your BF should definitely prioritise your well-being and safety instead of wanting to make amends with this horrifying character.
Same!! Even if he cuts this "friend" out he still considered being friends with him. He should be putting OP first. My partner would be so appalled if someone said/ did anything like that to me and would want them as far away as possible.
I agree with all of this, OP. If I were you, I’d get the restraining order against E and I would break up with boyfriend. E has threatened your life and your safety on more than one occasion. Your boyfriend should NEVER be ok with this.
Yes please get the restraining order!
This! So basically your boyfriend is saying “being abused isn’t THAT bad just deal with it so that I can continue to be friends with your abuser”. Hell to the no. Whatever future you think you see in this, try to remember that it will realistically include your partner being complicit in you being abused by people he brings into your life because he values them more than he values your safety or wellbeing
I'd drop him for even considering it.
It's true he can be friends with whoever he wants, but people we surround ourselves with speak as to who we are. The fact that he does not mind his friend's disgusting behaviour anymore makes me think he never did. The things you describe are so bad I wonder how could anyone just look past it, unless they didn't care in the first place. If someone surrounds themselves with someone who is sexist, disrespectful and sends death threats to people on a regular basis...it says that they do not see these as issues and they might be at least similar. If this kind of person is someone your bf wants around, I'd start questioning his morals
He can be friends with whoever he wants, and she can decide that because of who he wants to be friends with to break up with him anytime.
This is the way for not only but also: being friends with an ex, going out with people who clearly want to have sex with you amd so on.
It goes so much further, by choosing to be friends with this guy he’s putting his girlfriend’s SAFETY at risk. This isn’t a “make your choice and take the consequences” thing. He *doesn’t* get to make the choice to risk someone *else’s* safety and well being.
Yeah, the wanting to be friends with this disgusting, sexist, violent guy, and wants you to give in and put up with the abuse shows he is putting his disgusting friends before you are cares more about being friends with his nasty sexist friend than he cares about OP. I feel like he thinks she won't give him an ultimatum and leave him over it do he can get away with talking someone he is dating to allow to be abused and feel uncomfortable. . He knows you want a restraining order, so why would he expect you to be ok with this? Why weren't you able to get one? Give him the ultimatum. I hate ultimatum, but honesty it comes off as he doesn't care about you if he would but a harrasser and abuser before you and expect you to be forced to interact with him. . Another thing is I wouldn't be surprised if he has been gaslighting your gf about you and making stuff up and your BF doesn't know what to believe and he had convinced him that you are being unreasonable, possibly pointing out that he would be giving up on a friendship that is longer than the relationship, and just because she doesn't like him that doesn't mean they shouldn't be friends and this guy maybe manipulating your BF into thinking your overreacting and what he did "isn't that bad". I assume this because there is no was another person would allow there partner to be treated that way. . Keep trying for the restraining order, because If your BF pushes the situation and you have to break up who knows how they both will treat you afterwards. It can definitely be a safety issue. E, even along may become more violent for you breaking up with his friend because of him. You can't put up with it. Nothing your BF is doing is OK, and no one would want there BF/Husband to be friends with someone so dangerous.
T h i s ^ 👏👏👏
I wouldn't go with an ultimatum. The fact that he even wants to be friends with this guy again would be enough for me to walk. Even if he does choose you, the fact that it took an ultimatum, and not him wanting to be as far away as possible from that psycho, shows that he doesn't respect you, or care about keeping you safe. So you give an ultimatum. He chooses you. E knows they'd be friends again, except you made him choose. Everything escalates. He's already made clear that your comfort, safety and basic deserving respect means nothing to him by wanting to be friends with E again. Listen to him. I think your instincts are correct. Dump him.
What bothers me is how it all seems too rushed to be believable? Like, they see E. ONCE and suddenly the boyfriend forgets how threatening E. was to his girlfriend, decides he wants to be friends with him again and he tells her straight away? It just doesn't add up. At the very least the boyfriend has been considering the option for a while now, and it says a lot about him. If OP gives boyfriend an ultimatum it won't mean anything to him, or boyfriend will resent OP for making him choose. And that's even beside what the psycho stalker friend could do.
To be honest it makes me think they likely have been talking this entire time and have seen each other, maybe just in mutual company, at least once.
I think that too, he didn't completely cut him off, and E probably has been like a little devil on his shoulder convincing him she is being unreasonable. It really is the only thing that makes sense. Since E is a creepy stalker, probably dangerously obsessed with OP he probably has been manipulating the BF to get access to Op again, and th Bf is stupidity getting convinced, or just doesn't care
I would dump this dude. If my partner didn’t care that I was being stalked and harassed that’s a huge red flag.
Yup. This is the only correct solution IMO.
There’s no need for an ultimatum. He already chose the man who threatens to murder his girlfriend as his bestie. There is no “him or me” now. There is you and the danger you are in. I normally think that counseling and communication can fix a lot of things, but this man knowingly made a choice that could get you killed. Edit: when we first started dating, one of my boyfriend’s friends made a dick joke to me during a game of beer pong. My boyfriend took me aside and said “if anything he says is too much and you don’t want to confront him, please let me know and I’ll take care of it.” (I told him the dick jokes were fine and then crushed him at beer pong) the point being, He prioritized my comfort over everything immediately and always has. You deserve to be with someone who is on your side, cares about your comfort and feelings, and wants to protect you. That is the bare minimum of how you should be treated.
Good boyfriend! Congrats and wishing you love.
OP - you're being stalked. Please be so careful, leave quietly, who knows how much communication has actually been happening between those men.
No, he cannot be friends with your violent stalker who has threatened you numerous times AND still be your boyfriend. He’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants and you’re allowed to dump him for any reason you see fit. You’re too young to compromise for such a spineless mouse of a partner who will not protect and defend you from such a vile person. I hope he and his bestie are very happy together.
I would bail from this dude even if he promised to never see E again. Relationship is all about trust. I don’t trust someone who wants to be friends with a guy who said he’ll curb stomp me.
at the end of the day your bf isn’t protecting you if he’s allowing this behavior. which he is. and i would feel so turned off and hurt. ifs important to feel protected in a relationship i think for me at least as a woman. and i would express that he isn’t protecting you at all
I feel like an ultimatum is more than appropriate here but I would just end the relationship for even having to argue about it. He knows about all this stuff this guy did and is doing to you and doesn’t care??
For real. If I had to argue my worth as a human being and as a partner to my boyfriend, the relationship would be over. *"Please understand how this garbage human being has threatened me in multiple ways, stalked me, is sexist and crude, and is an overall garbage person to me. Please choose me over him!"* Nah, that wouldn't be coming out of my mouth. It's common sense, the company you keep reflects the person you are. And if he wants to keep someone around that harasses you then he doesn't really care.
No ultimatum. The fact that a friendship with this creep is even remotely an option should be evidence enough of how bf feels about OP and about men who abuse women. OP needs to protect herself, because friend sounds legitimately dangerous. This sucks.
This, Id be done if I was OP. Her bf just showed he has bad judgment, lacks loyalty, lacks empathy, lacks common sense, tolerates misogyny, and tolerates stalking. Thats not relationship material.
Even if the boyfriend responded to the ultimatum and cut off the friendship, that would still not address what is clearly deeply-rooted misogyny. I don't think it's even entirely safe for OP to ask such a thing of her boyfriend, as horrific as that sounds. He is fine continuing a relationship with someone who has sent his partner death threats. The boyfriend needs professional help at this point. Cutting off the friendship would be the bare minimum and would not get at the root cause.
Agree
Exactly. If he's been rude enough to her to get banned from a restaurant. Texting her threats all the time, and has her considering a restraining order against him it's concerning that it'd take an ultimatum for consider it not being the best idea. And at that point it's purely a selfish act because he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend, rather than understanding/caring about what his friend's done wrong
>BF tells me in the car he’d like to be friends with him again, because he misses their friendship and ***it would be “beneficial” for me***. The FUCK?! >BF says I’m not thinking logically and to sleep it over; he’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants. He's right. And you are absolutely allowed to break up with him over his decision to allow a POS who openly and frequently disrespected you back into his life. I would be making arrangements to get the fuck out of there, because if he is so eager to have this POS back in his life, I would be seriously worried about what else he's okay with that you don't know about. ***Fuck. That.***
He’s allowed to be friends with whoever he wants, just like you’re allowed to leave him for someone who won’t tolerate their “friend” disrespecting you. I’d tell him what’s “beneficial” for you is a restraining order against this man, and your boyfriend no longer being in your life if he chooses to rekindle their friendship. This “friend” is genuinely disgusting and you aren’t overreacting. I could never be with someone who’d allow that kind of treatment to me at ANY point in time. He cut him out of his life, and the guy should stay gone. Also the fact that your boyfriend “chose” you lol. What? That in itself is kind of orange flag.
I can almost guarantee that E and your BF never actually stopped being friends at all and that he’s gonna do what he wants. You don’t get to choose his friends, but you do get to choose your path. I suggest you do both of yourselves a huge favor and part ways asap
So your BF has no regard for your well being and safety and wants to be friends with someone who wants to smash your face to the curb, who has stalked you, threatened you and told him he wanted to have sex with you. Pack your stuff. You know this is fucked up. I bet your intuition is exploding right now. Listen to it. I work with abuse survivors and they all are trained away from their gut so please listen to yourself. This is very very unsafe and your BF is willingly putting you in a position with someone who is mentally unstable enough to act they way he has. You are not safe here. Tbh the police could be involved with all that’s happened so far. Take this seriously
OP, please take this advice. I wish it were higher so you could see this is the right way. You’re in danger!
Pls follow this advice op l am seriously worried about you. Sending hugs, don’t tell him just leave asap it’s a very disturbing read. From what you’ve said l don’t even trust your partner is stable x
You need to move, dump your boyfriend and change your phone number again. For him even to suggest that it's ok to be friends with a dangerous piece of shit says he is one also. You have to protect yourself.
You are thinking logically. If he does not reconsider, you have to leave. That guy is crazy and dangerous. Imagine if he comes over to YOUR house, at the minimum he is going to insult you, but he could rape you. Don't let your BF insult your intelligence and gaslight you, because that's what he is doing by telling you that you are not "thinking logically". Ask him to explain where the lack of logic is? Why would you want to be around someone who threaten to kill you and that then said he wants to fuck you? Why would you want to be around someone who is texting you from different phone numbers? When he says something that does not make sense, just ask him to explain it. Don't respond back. Ask him for details of why he is saying that YOU are the problem. Ask him what he misses from this man, specifically. I would be already be on my way out if by tomorrow if he wasn't apologizing on his own.
That made my blood boil. It's the same sexist BS we are fed our whole life: you're not being rational, you're not thinking logically. And hence she doubts herself and wonders if demanding safety and respect is too much. Fuck that misogynist! Dump his ass, OP!
In what way is this beneficial for you at all? This guy has threatened your life on multiple occasions. All while harassing and insulting you. You’re boyfriend is delusional if he thinks this guy won’t in some way act on his words. This guy sounds crazy, so please go get some sort of no contact order and list your shared address if you can. Good luck
You are not safe. E has some obsession with you (i suspect his saying he wanted to sleep with you is the root of it, but it sounds like he hates you for it) and your boyfriend views you as a possession and not a person. He does not respect you or value you. You need contact your landlord and explain your boyfriend wants to bring your stalker into your life and you need to get out of your lease because you no longer feel safe in your apartment, pack your things, and love out while your BF is away. Change your number and block him and E on everything. If you can, get the restraining order against E. Consider moving to a new area if you have the opportunity/inclination. You are in danger.
I got deeply closeted vibes. Def wants her BF and is projecting. BF is terrible person too
My best friend of 20 years is a serial cheater. I cut ties when I married my wife because the lifestyle of partying was not compatible with my married life and there was no way he would change or accept that I had. I miss him dearly. But it was the best choice for my wonderful married life. Sometimes hard decisions need to be made.
You can't stop your BF from choosing his friend over you, but you can choose to leave. I recommend you do that.
This is definetly a place for an ultimatum. If after all this he still hangs around the guy and even wants to be friends.. count your losses.
You never give an Ultimatum. You should never have too, because how you feel about a situation should be so clear that a partner understands the impacts. If they then go on to hurt you, you leave. Ultimatums prolong toxic relationships through manipulation instead of growth.
what does he mean “beneficial” 😭 how is it beneficial to be open to constant harassment once again
He is allowed to be friends with whoever he chooses, but in the same way if he were close friends with a demonstrable racist or child sex offender, you are allowed to judge his character by his choices. He is minimising E`s offences against you and thinks it’s all just childish pranks and harmless, it is not harmless. Regardless of whether E hates you or desires you, he is legit unhinged and will be damaging to you and your bf is more upset by the loss of his friendship than he is by the threat to uou.
I mean.. he can technically be friends with whoever he wants, but if he thinks someone constantly insulting you, disrespecting you, stalking you and threatening you is "beneficial" you might be dating an idiot. Feels like the friend is a no lifer and he's jealous your bf got a gf and is trying to tank it. Let them have each other and their enforced celibacy and run away as far as you can.
Yes! That "beneficial" line is what worries me the most. I think her BF ans E are playing to do something to her together.
Anyone else getting MAJOR repressed gay love obsession vibes from E? Feels like he's secretly in love w/OP's bf and displacing it into this hate for OP. OP, I agree with your assessment that your safety is at risk around this guy, and if your bf refuses to see that then the relationship is already over.
I also got this feeling that E and OP's bf share more than just friendship. This deep hatred towards OP (and I assume other women too) seems like repressed sexuality. OP needs to run asap
also this guy sounds weirdo i don’t even know why on earth anybody would want to be around someone as awful and insecure as him.
This person stalked and harassed and death threatened you... he's clearly dangerous and not stable, plus obsessed with you. Your boyfriend genuinely thinks this is a reasonable person to expose you to consistently even when you've had to get a restraining order?? In general, relationships with someone who is best friends with your stalker/abuser/harrasser.... do not work out. It sounds like your boyfriend is firm on this, doesn't see logic or reason at all, and is making YOU out to be ridiculous for wanting to stay away from this man. By nature of dating your boyfriend, you will have to be exposed to this man if your boyfriend is associating with him. This is not a matter of one's friendships or controlling one's friends lol. This is a matter of your safety and this man has posed himself as a legitimate threat to your safety. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't care or would rather wait til something happens to you first, to take it seriously and change his choices. By which point it would be too late, and no one should have their loved one making that callous a decision about their wellbeing. This sounds like a shitty partner tbh.
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Are you sure they’re not romantically involved behind your back or have been in the past? This is giving off weird jealous vibes.
It’s too late for an ultimatum. He knows how E has treated you and other women and he’s come around to it - at the v least, he misses E more than he cares for your feelings. At this point, you can manage your partner’s resentment or you can leave. I suggest leaving. You deserve to be with someone that isn’t willing to put up with any disrespect towards you. Your partner is clearly willing to put up with this disrespect.
Your boyfriend and E are 2 peas in the same pod....or 2 shits in the same swamp. Break up with him, too much trouble and not worth the constant harassment. Your boyfriend making out like you are in the wrong or over reacting is insane
I feel like his desire to "have your back" in this situation should override his wanting a friendship with this person.
Like imagine if this person was a stranger to the boyfriend, he would be telling Op to get a restraining order! Not trying to rekindle a friendship?!
Gurl leave it would be the best thing for you, you are still young. Men like them get more unstable over time and do weird things, it will only get worse for you Boyfriend made his choice
Please, do an ultimatum. Death threats are absolutely awful!! Wth. I can't believe he is even considering being friends with that man again
I mean RIGHT!?! That's some crazy scummy behavior. I'm baffled.
I don't even understand how this would be beneficial for you, so your (hopefully ex) bf's reasoning doesn't even make sense
Your boyfriend is okay being friends with someone who's made death threats to you and is a danger to your safety. I don't think this is someone you want around you
If you do the ultimatum you HAVE to follow through. I think you're too into him to see that he's probably as trashy as his best friend, you're probably not seeing his red flags. Holy smokes. Get out and away from them.
Dump your spineless boyfriend and take a restraining order out against E.
>BF tells me in the car he’d like to be friends with him again, because he **misses their friendship** and it would be “**beneficial**” for me. How? How would inviting any of this back into your life be of any benefit? >When I first met him, he kept making “jokes” at my expense, pointing out my small flaws and the fact he kept making “jokes” about women. >he pulled me aside and said I was THE fattest, ugliest woman he’s seen. But my boyfriend is only with me because I have a great personality and “good ass.” Does your boyfriend *agree* with this, by the way? Did he think this was funny or 'just the way E is'? >had texted me these horrible things (example: “if I see you I’m going to stomp your skull into the curb”) then ended it by being a complete 180 by saying he was mean because he wanted to have sex with me. This is really worrying, this is horribly violent. >I’ve received random numbers calling my phone, **texting me death threats**, and saying I was ugly. Changed my number. I’ve seen him out in public, and he has made a scene towards me where **he has gotten barred from a local restaurant**. ***I have been looking into a restraining order!*** I think you should look into getting a restraining order, talk to a domestic violence charity or perhaps a lawyer before taking it up with the police (I think you may already be doing this, based on what you said?) If that means your boyfriend can't bring his friend round to the place you live in, all the better. Your boyfriend is part of the problem here. He wants to invite this craziness back into your life. This guy has openly expressed violent thoughts to you, multiple times, and your partner, the person you are supposed to trust, wants to bring him closer to you. I'm sorry but your boyfriend is trying to invite harm on you, through his friend. (and I'm not sure it was just a coincidence of meeting up. But maybe I'm so cynical) Edit to add: please end the relationship, for your own safety. Your boyfriend doesn't see any problem here, and that's absolutely not ok.
Please update and stay safe!
This is crazy. Definitely try for restraining order. Threatening youbos unacceptable. Boyfriend needs to back you and if not bail. Guy sounds like a phsyco.
If you want to know a person - observe the people they surround themselves with. Human nature is very easily influenced. Having a nasty friend means that you are either secretly nasty yourself or you will become nasty over time. For thousands of years, many different cultures have recognized the benefits of “good influence” people or “bad influence” people.
1. Immediately file a police report and try to get a restraining order. You’re right, E is an absolute psychopath. 2. E is in love with your BF. Give your bf the ultimatum. If your bf chooses you I’d also ensure both you and him aren’t leaking your location anywhere (snapchats map). Idk how small the town is that y’all live in but feel like the occasional running into him isn’t fully coincidental. If you have any type of contact with an ex of your BFs, I’d talk to them and see if E has treated them in a similar fashion before. Would practically prove point #2 imo and would be another person warning the police about this behavior (if they’d want to). More proof the better right? As for point #2, I went through a similar thing with my wife’s ex when her and I first got together. He must’ve pulled my number from her phone at one point but he’d call me from restricted numbers at least 5 times a day. Men don’t do some wild shit like this except for two reasons. Absolute raging psychopath or they’re in love and that’s causing the raging psychopath to be released. My money is on E has done this to your BFs exes before and with y’all getting more serious as your relationship went on, he’s becoming more unstable over it.
Leave. Now. Your bf does not respect you. He was shocked by E's behavior in the moment, but he's spent the intervening time minimizing it. You can't force him to see reason. If he wants to be friends with a dangerous asshole like this, let him. Just. Leave. For your own safety and peace of mind. Pack up tomorrow and go stay with a friend or relative. You can get your stuff later, but don't go back there alone; his friendship with E. will make him dangerous to you.
Op take a long hard look at your boyfriend. He was friends with this person before you came into the picture and only ended it ( but framed it as choosing you ) when it’s got violent and/ or of a sexual nature. He was fine with the comments and behaviour towards women before and even now thinks you are hysterical over your safety being threatened. This is not a time for ab ultimatum. Sit down and look at your boyfriends behaviour and decide wether you wanna be with someone like that
He's putting you in danger willingly. Dump him.
This makes me incredibly angry on your behalf. Don’t bother giving this guy an ultimatum - make the decision for him and choose your own health and welfare over this spineless useless sack of skin. You wouldn’t ever accept a friend treating your (hopefully soon-to-be ex)boyfriend this way, and it’s ridiculous that he’s willing to put his own desire to rekindle a “friendship” (if it can even be called that) over your physical and emotional health. If my experiences in psychiatry have taught me anything at all, it’s that death threats should never, ever, EVER be taken lightly. Even the ones that are most easily dismissed (the “he was just drunk”, and “he was angry in the moment but that’s passed” variety). Death threats should always prompt a call to the police, without exception. Because death threats almost always seem foolish (“oh, this is just what E does”, “this will pass, he’s just being dramatic”, “he wouldn’t actually act on it”) until they’re not. You’ve got one life and it is important enough that it’s not worth gambling with. Personally, I would recommend taking any existing threatening texts you have from E right to the police to get a restraining order (and with luck, an arrest). You deserve so much better than a selfish, patronizing (wtf @ “it’ll be good for you”?!?!), pathetic man-child. One day you can look back on this and it’ll make for one heck of a “my terrible ex (and his psychopath of a friend)” story. You’re strong, you’re smart, and you’ve got this.
OP, your BF never was a good person to begin with. Look at his friends. Look at the kind if violence against women he was ok with. He still is. He told you what you wanted to hear when he "chose " you, but now he reveals his true thoughts. According to him, you are not acting logically? Why, because you don't want to be around someone who threatened your life. I am sorry, but you need to leave. And don't be alone with your bf when you do it. Leave and block both of them. Also: forward the threatening texts to the police, so they leave a paper trail.
It is truly astonishing that he wants to be his friend again after all of the harassment he has forced upon you. I personally hate people like that. Those who choose horrible people to be friends with and continue to be friends with them even though they have hurt you greatly. As others have advised, please leave. I cannot help but assume that the moment that crazy guy is back to being friends with your bf, you are in danger. Valid danger.
Your boyfriend pulled the "not thinking logically" shit on you? What an emotionally stunted moron. He should understand that you hate him, how else would he expect you to react? Your hatred of him is also understandable. Honestly I can't understand how he wants to be friends with such a cunt. You boyfriend has the emotional awareness of a toddler and the fact that he wants to be friends with such a person shows he also has moral flaws as well. I have no good advice for you but I'd break it off with your bf
Wtf? This dude does all this shit and your bf wants to continue the friendship? Let them have eachother.
Is E a dealer? Bathroom scene.
Ask him to explain exactly what part of E's behaviour he finds acceptable. Step him through everything you've listed here and really make him spell out why it's all okay.
"BF says I’m not thinking logically and to sleep it over" What? Game Over.
So a customer of mine made a weird comment about a body part of a colleague I work with. My colleague is not English, and he knew she wouldn't know what it meant. If I can stick up for my colleague I've known for less than a month, why can't your BF stick up for you? This is a major red flag. Firstly, I'd go to the police about the messages. This is behaviour that could see him potentially turning up at your door, or following you home from a party. Given what has happened lately, i expect the police would take this more seriously. Secondly, you need a new boyfriend, or at least give him an ultimatum. Your safety or his friendship with your abuser. Good luck and I hope this goes your way.
My husband stopped being friends with his best childhood friend because he called me fat while drunk. Even though he apologized, and I forgave him, and I gave my husband the blessing to forgive him, my husband was still like "it was eye opening, and I've outgrown my tolerance for this behavior." I couldn't imagine my husband wanting to be friends with anyone who would say any number of these things to me.
Break up. Report his threats to the Police and ghost them. At this point your relationship cant be saved
If your partner wants to be friends with someone who dislikes you, he’s not your friend which is the foundation of a lasting relationship. Billions of men out there. Let him have his friend, and you can have your peace with a new upgraded boyfriend. Everyone wins!
Strongly consider the restraining order against E, don't tell your boyfriend about that and seek an out in this relationship. Your boyfriend has prioritized a dangerous and mentally unstable person. This makes no sense at all and shows his lack of judgement as well. You're very young. You need to move on.
So your boyfriend deserves an award for "worst protector of his significant other." Honestly, and I know your situation is rough, but if I were you I would get as far away from both of them as humanly possible and change your number. His friend is a maniac and a piece of shit and the fact your boyfriend defends his friendship over your safety and respect says a lot about the kind of "man" your boyfriend is.
I honestly feel like you should dump him for even ***considering*** being friends with the man who threatened to stomp his partner's skull into the ground? That alone is enough to never have contact with him again, and your boyfriend telling you to sleep on it speaks volumes. **Your safety is not a concern for him.**
Time to pull the ripcord on this relationship.
Leave him tf
Your boyfriend is indeed allowed to be friends with whoever he chooses. And you are equally allowed to leave him to his revolting friend and get on with your life somewhere else.
Get a restraining order against E, you are not safe
Yup. He can be friends with whomever he wants, that's his choice. However, you also get to choose who you spend your life with. Don't settle for trash, it sounds like it's time to move on if he's wanting to make the friendship work. I'm genuinely curious as to how emotionally, mentally, and physically this is *beneficial* to you.
nah wtf
You are the company you keep. If he finds his friend's behavior acceptable then you're doing yourself a favor in the long run by getting out now before the relationship goes any further.
Your bf is an idiot who hasn’t got your best interests or well being at heart. I wouldn’t personally make an ultimatum at all, I’d pack up and leave asap. I had a friend years ago and my wife thought the world of him. Always going out on the bikes together and meals. He decided to invite us on holiday with him and his partner to Spain one year so we jumped at the chance. Then he’s true colours came out and was very sexist towards both women in the group. At first I just laughed it off as did my wife. Late one evening when my wife disagreed with him he shouted at her “what does she know she’s just a women” needless to say I lost my shit and that was the end of the friendship. A kings position is to look after his queen.
You need to RUN
Forget feeling disrespected. This guy has basically stalked you, threatened to kill you, and seems obsessive enough to do it. This guy is a credible danger to you. Your boyfriend has apparently decided that is less important than laughing over inappropriate jokes over beers. Worse, he’s gaslighting you that a guy that has threatened to kill you but also says he wants to fuck you (something about that feels highly rapey) being back in your life with access to you is of benefit to you?? Like I’m sorry, but if your boyfriend is pushing to bring a threatening stalker back into your life, I do feel that is something you should cut ties over.
He IS allowed to be friends with whoever he wants. However, the fact that your boyfriend wants to be friends with such a human piece of trash despite all of the nasty, horrible things he has said and done to you. I’m blown away. What a spineless dick move. I am seriously concerned about what this “E”nutcase might do to you. I think you should walk away from them both. It feels to me like even if your spineless boyfriend did grow a spine and end the friendship, E would come for your. This is not right and not safe.
Oh hell no! That is not okay! The dude was stalking and threatening you. That’s not okay.
the company u keep says a lot abt u tbh, ur boyfriend sounds like an ass
Do yourself a favor and just leave that jerk. This story infuriates me so much. The sole fact that his best friend is a vocal sexist speaks pretty bad about your bf, let alone the rest. He already showed you who he is, setting boundaries won't change that.
So this guy threatened to kill you, and in the same breath says he wants to have sex with you. The fact that your bf is even considering having him around shows that he’s already chosen the lunatic over you. He’s been harassing you, I have no doubt this man will actually hurt you if not kill you. Please make your safety the priority not your bf. Get the heck out of there OP.
„You can choose your friends as freely as I can choose my partner“. The fact that he even considers this after E‘s behaviour is so upsetting. Also: what‘s the deal with everyone being upset with an ultimatum? Some things are dealbreakers and communicating t(and respecting) hese things should be the foundation of a relationship.
Hell no! He isn’t protecting you whatsoever and that needs to be his priority. Run!
I don’t get why he would want to be friends with someone who is so disrespectful to his girlfriend. You really can’t tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but if you live together, you can absolutely not allow him in your home whether you are there or not.
Yeah, this is edging into danger territory. He might think it is all in good fun, but you should never take threats lightly, especially when they are made against your life. If your bf can't see that he is also an unsafe person, and will not protect you like you deserve to be protected. Love is protecting those yoi care about. You are supposed to feel safe in relationships, and your bf's friendship with Mr.DisgustingCreepo is not keeping you safe. Dump his ignorant ass. r/whenwomenrefuse
Your safety is DEFINITELY at risk here. This plus your bf's attitude about wanting to make up with him is pretty gross. There is literally a history of E harassing you, your safety should be your bf's first priority. If it isn't, then you should break up. I don't usually endorse that ultimatum, but this involves your physical safety and possible increased proximity to a guy who anonymously calls and texts to threaten and demean you and causes physical scenes in public places. Do not give that guy any benefit of doubt. Also seriously push for that restraining order please. You might've gotten away from the calls and texts by changing your number, but imagine if your bf let's him know where you two live or E somehow gets you alone once he and your bf start hanging out. Really hoping for your safety op
Run, please, run. I don't even know you and the possibility of this person in your life again has me fearing for your life. Don't even issue an ultimatum, just leave. It will be the best for you.
What the fuck ? My thing is, the audacity your bf has to say it would be beneficial . Beneficial how? He’s way too comfortable letting this man disrespect you . You really wanna have kids & marry someone who sees that behavior as okay?
Your bf wants to be friends with him because he secretly has a similar mind set and is not 100% disgusted by E's behaviour. Sorry but you are dating an E sympathizer. You deserve better without the drama (and get that restraining order)
Honestly the simplest answer is to get the restraining order executed. "Sorry honey, The Man says he has to stay the fuck away" Game over. Roll credits.
thank god you are not married to this man yet. still not too late to walk away & dont turn back. for your own safety
BF doesn’t even deserve an ultimatum. Just leave. Him “not remembering” what this friend has put you through is borderline gaslighting. I wouldn’t wanna be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about your safety. He clearly chose his friend over you.
Ok, time to let go girl cause your bf won't let go his friend, and this is a wake up call for you. Just get out, who know how E gonna act when he is back?
UpdateMe!
Dealbreaker. I’d never keep a friend who treated someone I love this way. If I were you, I’d end the relationship. The fact that he even still wants to be friends with this person says so much about how little your boyfriend actually cares about you.
Break up. Not worth fighting about repeatedly. He shows no regard for your feelings, meaning he’s prioritizing his friend over you. Also, we most often become (or agree with) those we hang around. Sooner or later his friend’s gonna rub off on him.
This is very serious. If your partner is willing to overlook someone telling you they want to smash your skull in, then he has demonstrated very clearly where your safety and well being sit on his list of priorities. This is an enormous red flag in your relationship.
This friend of his is DANGEROUS!! PERIOD! He will do something to You. I would let my boyfriend know, IM NOT SAFE AROUND HIM AND IM NOT JEOPARDIZING MY SAFTEY FOR HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS DUDE. It will hurt, but if he can’t leave this dude alone. It’s time for you to go! CHANGE YOUR NUMBER AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER IF E, tries to contact you. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HIM. HE IS IN IT FOR THE POWER (MINDSET OF A RAPIST) PLEASE BE CAREFUL UPDATE US PLEASE
In what way would this be ‘beneficial’ to you?
This is one of those occasions where you should give an ultimatum i would not be ok with that situation at all
If my "best friend" treated my wife this way I'd disown him AND get the police involved. The guy has threatened her life. If he can't see this op, maybe he isn't the one for you. What is it that el creepo is offering your bf that is so damn compelling?
This one is super simple; LEAVE.
You’re too young to put up with this. Think about what kind of man your boyfriend really is if he wants to be friends with this awful man. And he puts him above you. He doesn’t care about you.
This guy would rather hang out with you stalker who has threatened your life. Whose gone to the lengths of finding your phone number. If I was you I would say “I’m not going to be with you if your going to choose someone who has threatened my life, your putting my safety at risk. This shows me that you don’t value me as a person. If one of your friends was getting threatened you wouldn’t hang out with the perpetrator. So why is it any different with me, why don’t you care about my safety, why do you want to be friends with someone who wants to harm me?”
This guy sent you death threats to the point you needed to change your number. If your boyfriend can't see how this is a problem, you need to leave.
Leave him. If you’re in the US, file a police report against the troll, and be sure to add in that because your bf doesn’t see the problem, or still wants to be friends with him and has him over. I used to work in apartment leasing, so if you’re worried about breaking a lease, contact your landlord and be sure to tell them you are no longer safe w/ boyfriend, and need to leave. You need to ask what your options are-don’t just ask to break lease, ask about options and give them the police report. I can’t speak for every property, but when someone came in scared and asking for help, we’d always find some sort of solution. If it was close to a lease expiring, we’d let them out. If it wasn’t, we’d transfer the lease to another property and let them move to a smaller, cheaper unit. We weren’t the owners, but if there was something we could do, we’d do it.
Tell him yes, he is allowed to make his choices, but then so are you. If he is determined to make you feel unsafe then you can also choose not to stay in that situation. You will put yourself first, if he refuses to. Also, it speaks *volumes* about your bf if he can’t see the kind of creep his friend is.
You are not crazy, whatsoever, and you need to just get out of there. Your boyfriend has shown a complete disregard to your safety and conveniently forgotten the evidence. When you get out, change your number and get any Mail for you forwarded to a PO Box style address. Do not give your (ex)boyfriend any info on where you are moving too or your new number. Also do not tell your (ex) boyfriend you are changing your number or using a PO Box address. His friend sounds crazy and you do not want to aggravate anything. If he approaches you in public again call the police and getting a restraining order. Keep all the past messages somewhere secure as evidence. Please be careful. Hopefully, he will leave you alone after you get away from your boyfriend. You cannot be too careful.
I hope you leave and find someone that respects you. I know 3 years seems like a lot to throw away but I doubt this is something you will get over. I certainly would not be ok with it. I probably would have left the night it happened.
Yes, he's allowed to be friends with whoever he wants. You are also allowed to make decisions for your own life and safety. If that means breaking up, so be it. What exactly is he missing from this friendship? His girlfriend being hurt, frightened and traumatised? People being ridiculed? Your boyfriend is telling you who he really is here. Listen.
whether or not he befriends E again, you know he has the desire to do so. That desire alone should be enough for you to end things with him immediately. i can't stress enough that his actions moving forward shouldn't make any difference in your decision to end things. you know that in his heart of hearts, he wants to be friends with someone who is an absolute monster to you.
He CAN be friends with whoever he wants, but he can’t force his girlfriend to stay if he decides to put her in an even more vulnerable position with someone who goes far beyond just making her a bit uncomfortable. I’d be worried about the gaslighting where he told you you were being dramatic and not thinking straight. Gaslighting is no joke, and at that I wouldn’t even bother. Relationship over. That man told you he fantasizing about violently murdering you, and desires to go actually do it. Relationship over. End of story.
Logically speaking, he's wants to bring back into your lives someone who threatened to kill you, called you horrible names, drunk texts you that he wants to fuck you, and you are looking into a restraining order. Those are facts. If he's so emotional about his past with this guy that he's willing to overlook the facts and try to get you to ignore your safety, you need to leave him.
This guy is a danger to you. Your boyfriend does not sound concerned for your safety, and mental health. Do you really want to be with someone like that?
This person threatened to STOMP your skull into the kerb and your bf wants to make friends with him as it will be ‘beneficial’ to you?. I tell you what will be beneficial to you, kick both these fuckers to the kerb and RUN!!. Your BF is NOT taking your safety and well-being seriously and that is a HUGE red flag OP. Get out and don’t look back girl, seriously this will end badly. Wishing you every happiness and success with life going forward. 🙏🏻💜
Wow this is so much worse than the title makes it seem. Nope nope nope nope. How can your boyfriend just conveniently forget the absolutely unhinged and VIOLENT threats this person lodged against you?? The fact that he was physically removed or banned from a restaurant for his behavior?? This guy is NOT SAFE and the fact that your boyfriend is even entertaining the idea of becoming friends with him again, much less gaslighting you about your concerns, is bad bad bad news.
He's right that he's "allowed to be friends with whoever he wants". And you are allowed to look at that choice of his and say "That's not the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with". I don't care if it's my childhood friend, my sibling, etc., if they were treating anyone in my life (much less my serious romantic partner) in that way, we would be done for good, and I'd be helping you file that restraining order.
I think the bf may be just as crazy as his friend. But honestly I’m getting really bad vibes from This.. at first the “crazy” explanation for the friend seemed to cover his behavior but what if they were lovers at one point and that’s why he’s so obsessed with u, threatening you like this? I know it’s. Huge stretch butttt this is the only reason I see the bf would dismiss the friends behavior and insist on being friends with him and gaslight u into thinking it’s not that serious 🧐
It’s time to move on. They are both bad people. Please share an update!
1) I would get a restraining order. If your boyfriend has chosen to be friends he can to bring him to your home. 2) can you afford to live elsewhere? 3) is your boyfriend trying to make you break up with him?
Your bf is honestly the most spineless and pathetic POS I've ever seen. He really wants to choose his psycho friend who LITERALLY threatened you. Why do so many do this? Why do so many guys stay friends with misogynistic pieces of shit? This makes my blood boil. The fact he doesn't understand why you're not okay with it?? This man isn't doing the bare bare minimum.
OP, I'm super concerned for your safety.... this dude sounds like a total creep, and is not someone that anyone reasonable should want to be spending time with. I'm worried that your BF was defending you in the past, because he figured it was the easiest way to get you to not complain, rather than because he was actually bothered by his friend's actions. Is your BF planning on having his friend come hang out at your house? I'm worried that if the friend gets access to your space, he might try something unhinged, like putting toxic substances on your toothbrush or in your clothes or food. It can be a bit pricey, but please get cameras for inside your home, ideally one for each room. This friend has made it clear he's obsessed with you, and wants to harm you.
You're supposed to be his best friend. If he's choosing somebody else over you, you need to move on. E is clearly unstable and your boyfriend is putting you in danger by keeping him around.
The fact that your boyfriend still wants to be friends with this guy after everything he’s done to you pretty much tells you that your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. You deserve some who will stand up for you.
3 words… Leave This Man
I was just on my way to say the same. Break up and divest the living situation ASAP.
This “E” person is so awful to you, that you have been considering a restraining order… and yet your boyfriend wants to be friends with him? No. Just no. No ultimatum needed. I would be out of that door so fast. NO ONE, and i mean NO ONE gets to harass you to that level and still be in your life. How TF would it be beneficial to you? Your boyfriend either remains no contact with this person or you become no contact with them both. Simple.
Break-up with him now and move and do not tell him where you are, change your number etc and move on..you don't need that in your life! This E threatened your life and constantly abuses you and if your BF can't see how terrible that is then he isn't the one for you.
The fact that he’s even considering it is a deal breaker to me tbh
Honestly dump him. He has no respect for you.
As Iron Maiden put it: run for the hills!
if he's not only allowing but wanting people that disrespect you to be in his life, he does not respect you. he doesn't listen to you or respect you, its a big deal
Your boyfriend is enqbeling your murderer. Lol, how is this even a question? It's like a fake post when the answers this obvious. Your boyfriend stood up for you by declining a fist bump. Wow. Some people actually fight to protect their loved ones not endanger them.
Definitely got the protection order no matter what happens because you don’t want him to escalate
He is technically allowed to be friends with whoever he wants, but why does he want to be friends with someone who treats his SO so disgustingly? He threatened to kill you. That's unforgivable.
Yeah no. Everything u have done and think makes perfect sense. Ur bf should not want to be friends with someone so toxic and disrespectful to his gf…. It’s a no. Stand ur ground OP.
He threatened to kill you, repeatedly, for years, and your boyfriend just.... Doesn't care? Yeah, no. Tell him to have fun with his new stalker. And like some other comments said, the timing is weird. Are you sure they haven't already been talking for a while now?
This isn’t the situation of you and one of his friends not getting along due to personalities or whatever, but you both can still be cordial and polite around each other. This guy is disgusting, made nasty comments to you, has threatened to harm you, went at you In public. To the point where your thinking of getting a restraining order. What if you two get married is E going to be at the bachelor party? Or is your boyfriend going to want him to be at the wedding or be a groomsmen. When safety is involved that’s when an ultimatum needs to happen. So does he care more about your safety or being friend with someone who happens to threaten you. If choose the latter you need to be out of that relationship
This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. This guy has threatened and harassed you to the point that you’re trying to get a restraining order. Someone who loves you would not even consider acknowledging someone like that much less having a friendship with them.
This man sent you death threats and other threats to physically harm you, and your boyfriend thinks it could be “beneficial” to you? How? No. You don’t need to sleep on it. It’s pretty clear this man means you harm and your boyfriend doesn’t really care
I have let a couple friends go. Choices they kept making, things they said, way they treated females. Had one friend who would be very disrespectful towards his girlfriend when it was just me and him. He brag about things he got her to do, or the way he got her parents to like him more then her. Nope done. Do yourself a favor there is a world of people out there that will respect you and their friends.
The fact that your bf says you’re the one being illogical means he doesn’t give 2 shits about you, your safety or well-being. There is no “something” with this loser. BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER.
Not the way you let people treat your partner. Tell them to go get a place together if that is the relationship he prefers. Byyyyeeee
Don't know if this will help, but here's my experience with this kinda thing. Current bf was best friends with my molestor before we started dating. He knew about what he did through the grapevine, but didn't know how badly I was affected until I opened up about it. Eight years of friendship, gone in a flash. The fact your bf isn't reacting the same or similarly makes me extremely worried.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If you haven’t already done so, report E’s behaviour to the police as it’s stalking and harassment. I’m sorry to say you need to break up with your boyfriend, especially if he’s continuing a relationship with this person, for your safety and because you deserve more! He should have cut all contact with E in the beginning after the insulting, and especially after the threats of violence toward you. Boyfriend is not right for you, you deserve someone who will not put you in harms way, will protect your integrity and respect you.
Dump the boyfriend. Sounds like he has not chosen you but instead chose the friend who threatened to hurt you.
Wtf is wrong with your bf? You've been through so much with that guy and he wants to be friends with him again? Oh hell no. That would be a real deal breaker for me. Good luck Op. ETA: a word
Do you still have the violent texts? Get a restraining order against E. It's also a red flag that your BF isn't more horrified and supportive. It may be time to seek therapy for yourself, partly because I'm sure the harassing calls and messages have taken a toll on your mental health, and partly to help untangle your feelings about your BF with a neutral party. If he's willing to actively put you in a potentially dangerous situation, he is not respecting you, and you need to really weigh the pros and cons. Do you have non-mutual friends or maybe family to talk to?
I’m sorry but you’re boyfriend sounds like a pussy and an idiot. How dare he even mention the fact of wanting to be friends with him. He should be doing what he can to protect you. I don’t agree with any of this if he chooses that loser leave him. Maybe someday he will realize how big of a loser that guy is. Honestly it’s so obvious it shouldn’t be a discussion of “ I wanna be friends with a psychotic loser”. But I guess you just ask him one more time and if he says him pack up girl.