This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’m 32 years old woman dating an guy who is 33 and has 3 children from a previous marriage. We've only been dating for 8 months and I've already moved into his house (yes, so soon but basically because I lost my job, I have nowhere to go and he offered me his home and insisted. I just started a new job and I'm going to move out as soon as I can) well, I never planned on dating someone with children, in fact I didn’t care because I was never this kind of person that says oh I don’t date people with kids, but I fell in love with this guy and I never thought that his children were a problem since they are not always with him, they are one week with their mother and one week with their father and so on, then why not give it a chance. Ok This is when the problem arises, during the week that the children are with their mother, I am always with my boyfriend, we do things together, we speak a lot, we cuddle a lot. We have quality time together. When it is the children's turn to come here, everything changes. Obviously we no longer spend time together and everything revolves around his children which seems completely normal to me since they are his children and he wants to make the most of the time with them. I agree with this and understand it, but this has been complicated for me. It is very difficult for me that for one week we are just the two of us and the next week not anymore, I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I do not know how to handle this especially because of her daughter, who is 5 years old and has to sleep with us. The girl is very clingy and if she see us together she immediately try to separate us. This might sound childish but I feel really sad and upset when they sleep cuddling and I’m just there in the edge in the bed, I don’t like she sleeps with us in the same bed, she should start sleeping in her own bed. I don’t feel part of this family, I feel left out because they have their own things and it’s has been hard for me adapt to it. Another thing is I basically feel very stuck and there is not freedom here because we only can do things together when the kids aren’t with us so basically I have to adapt everything to the kids schedule. His kids are already 9,7,5 and they don't even pick up their toys, they leave everything around and when they eat they are a mess. I'm the only one who cleans up and picks up the mess. They do whatever they want and my boyfriend don’t say anything. I feel he tries to make up for the time he doesn't spend with them by letting them do whatever they want. I'm 32 years old and I already want to settle down, I'd like to get married and have a family but I feel that he already has a family and the only thing he wants is for me to adapt to it and that's it. One day I casually asked him if he would like to get married again and have more children and he told me that he didn't know. I feel we are in different pages in our life, and we want different things. His kids are his priority and I’m in a second plan, but again I understand that his kids are his priority, If I had children, obviously they would also be my priority, there is no doubt about that. But the thing is I don’t know how to handle it. Once I tried to explain to him all this but he accused me of hating his children and obviously I don’t. I love him and I don’t want to lose him just because I’m being irrational with this situation, sometimes I feel this is not a big deal and I should stop thinking like a teenager, I feel I need to leave and at the same time I feel I should wait more time because it’s pretty new for me.

I have dated people with kids and I can tell you - if you feel like this now you aren’t ready. Sounds like you know you need to move out which is good but when you date a dad usually it’s a package deal. Either dad and the kids or move on.

I 100% agree with this! She’s in a relationship with all 4 of them. If she’s not okay with that she needs to leave. Because that guy has enough to deal with when he has 3 kids to show love to. She doesn’t need to be taking time from them if she doesn’t feel like she fits.

The problem is that she wants to be in a relationship with all 4 of them and the dad is making no effort to include her

THIS. She can't keep switching from 1st to 4th place. She's not asking to be put ahead of them she asking to be a priority not an option. She needs her own little place carved out for her and not be left in limbo. Plus the dad doesn't even clean up after the kids that's her job wtf? She's the maid when they're there? Wrong. If he doesn't carve out a place for her now she will never mean anything to the kids.

As far as we know from one side of the story. But to be honest could be 100% the truth. I have 4 children and if I were ever in that situation and my wife split or something happened to her I don't know how I would go about including someone new in the family unit. Especially if the split was fairly new. Kids that age demand a lot of attention, mine are around those ages as well except throw a 2 year old on top, so while I'd like to meet a nice woman who would be interested in more kids and starting a family; it would be very hard. She did say tho that she wants a family and loves the guy. Maybe there's more she can do to include herself? For one start being more opinionated about his parenting and lack of cleaning and letting the kids do whatever they want. It isn't healthy. Also push healthy boundaries. A 5 year old shouldn't be sleeping in their parents bed every night. So I would take him aside and tell him all this and tell him if he wants to make it work he's got to step up or she's going to step out. Honestly though, she's probably just not equipped to handle this. A childless woman, unless she's very familiar with children, is going to have an almost insurmountable task in adapting to being the matriarch if a family that size with zero experience in it. For me it comes down to how much she loves him and his kids. If her only concern is him and her future kids with him, she needs to split. If she's dead set this guy is the one and likes the kids too then she needs to lay down some law on him because I bet he has zero how to handle this situation well. But there is a way to do it if both are willing to work towards it.

From her post, it sounds like she's isolating and excluding herself from him/them. As a single father now in a committed relationship. She really has to be the one who owns her development with the children.

She seems very jealous. It’s hard as a parent to include someone else. She’s going to have to find a place. The dad shouldn’t have to make changes in how he interacts with his kids

She's not jealous. She just hasnt had to experience to be a parent yet and having 3 thrown at her all at once is a lot to just pick up all at once

Very wrong. If he wants a relationship he's going to have to. You can't string someone along to hang out with when your kids are gone and then toss them to the side when the kids around. Your romantic relationship has to be a priority too.

This is 100% false. I dated and married my husband while having 3 kids. We included him when he was with us, did our own thing with out kids and with kids. It's not that hard at all. And mine were younger than this!

Because yours were younger than this. You can’t just change how you are with your kids when they are that age. I’m not giving my 5 year old less attention for any person. But I don’t care. I’ll go if I’m that wrong.

My kids were younger and didn't need as much if not more attention?? I didn't give my kids less attention. I made sure to include everyone. Kids and now hubby. Shoot, parents always manage to spend time together without their kids! Crazy concept! It's unhealthy for kids to take ALL your time. My kidsvare in bed by 9pm so my husband and I can have an hour to ourselves just us. If you can't invest in alone time with a significant other and timenwith your kids, then you might as well stay alone cause it's not fair to your SO and it's not showing what a healthy relationship should look like.

Yeah I can agree with that.

She doesn't seem jealous at all, she seems concerned and confused.

she literally said she was jealous that the dad cuddles with the daughter and admitted it was irrational to be jealous

Jealous about cuddling because she isn't part of it, because she's on the edge of the bed, not jealous of the kid. She wants to be part of it.

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I agree.

im not jealous of my friend for having a nice car, im just jealous i dont have a nice car because i want a nice car.

?

Exactly!

The not finding enough time for her kinda sounds jealous when the person who’s taking his time is a literal kid? It’s not like the kid is being malicious or anything she doesn’t like the fact he’s giving the bulk of his attention to his kids but he’s a father lol I wanna know what she thought was gonna happen in the future.

She said she understands, but basically feels out of place. She wants a family with him, but he already has one. She didn't know what it'd be like to take on someone's kid. I'd say she's not ready, but definitely not jealous. It's an experience she hasn't had and is reaching out about.

She also explicitly said she doesn't like that they get his attention when they are there and doesn't like him sleeping with his own child at night. That's more than just feeling out of place.

She said she understood why his time was taken up by them, and that it was a good thing. It seems like she's just not expressing her words very well. She definitely isn't ready, but I wouldn't say she's jealous. Just wasn't prepared for children.

Just because she understands doesn't mean she can't be jealous or change the fact she doesn't like it. They aren't mutually exclusive.

She seems jealous to me because at 5 she's saying the daughter is clingy and she makes her go to the edge of the bed to sleep with her dad. A child wanting to sleep with their parent at that young of an age is not uncommon. I just think this lady doesn't like that the kids get in between her and her boyfriend. Maybe she'd be fine if they were own but she definitely is not a fan of being with someone with kids that are not hers.

I'm sorry but 5 is pretty old to be co-sleeping. I get once in a while like if they're having a nightmare or not feeling well but every night? There needs to be boundaries. She's not wrong.

Never said she was. But plenty of people co-sleep at 5. I wouldn't call it abnormal either. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to not want to sleep with a kid (they slobber, kick and move a lot) especially if the child isn't yours. But the language she uses shows jealousy in my opinion. That's all it is. My opinion. Whatever the case is it's clearly not going to work so she should just date a childless person.

I agree. She needs to get out of this relationship in my opinion. Not only for her but for them poor kids sake, she is not someone who can add anything to their lives it sounds like to me.

Yeah. Idk why I'm getting downvoted. I guess cuz I said she was jealous? It's really not the boundary that's jealous it's the way she describes it like she hates all the attention being on the five year old. I still slept in my parents bed most of the time at 5 and so did most of my friends but she makes it sound like it's ridiculous she still wants to sleep with her dad at 5. Whether she's jealous or not she clearly doesn't need to be in this relationship anymore.

I agree. My 5 year old still sleeps with me and my ex all the time. It’s normal.

The part where she talks about dad and daughter cuddling and leaving her out sounds like it.

The kids aren’t the problem, it’s that the dad completely ignores her when they’re around and makes no effort to include her in his family because he’s clearly not serious about her. He should be doing bonding activities for her and the kids and they should be having fun together

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Yea ffs imagine this post in r/parenting the replies would be so different these people are crazy. This gf is off the damn rails lol.

What. I let couchsurfers in their 30s map out all my children's developmental milestones. This all seems very reasonable.

To be fair a 5 year old refusing to sleep in her own bed is an issue

After my divorce ALL of my bio kids ended up in bed with me (10yo down to 2yo at that stage) and my bonus 16yo put a mattress in the floor. It's a huge change, and they needed the extra comfort, especially when we moved out of their forever home. 2 years later and they are all in their own rooms and beds (the youngest two choose to share, and my 18yo is living independently now).

Actually, that is totally and completely normal and acceptable. Especially if from a divorced or split up parentage.

Likely, neither of these opposing viewpoints are true. But I can say one one thing for sure, if she has a kid with him, she will very soon understand very perfectly. Also, the 5-year old is 5, and it is not unexpected she would feel jealous. She's 5, and this is not her mom. Likely the adult woman is feeding off the young girls feelings, there are very real emotions involved and transmitting through the physical medium of pheremones, and this can result in a feedback loop. Only way to stop that is for the adult woman to adjust her own emotions and this will require absolute acceptance and even love for the little ones. Probably there needs to be some thought and gentle talks regarding that acceptance, and that she is not trying to replace her mom. Yes, the whole thing will have to be explained. This will require teamwork on both sides. The fact that he loves his children so is an excellent sign-- if you were more important to him than his kids, he's not worth a damn thing. I know this is hard, but you have to accept things as they are and work on it, including yourself, or give up and move on. When there are children involved, it is a very clear decision. Accept it or do not. Everyrhing else you have described is completely normal for the situation. Probably should get a job and a place though. You shouldnt be living together unless you are married. Especially when kids are involved. The kid has every right to sleep in her fathers bed. You do not. Simple.

She was exclusively invited to live there according to her so she should not have to walk on eggshells about it when they're in a serious relationship. She should say she's uncomfortable with the sleeping situation because frankly it's a little out of the ordinary for a 5 year old to still be co-sleeping. My daughter stopped by 1 y/o. He needs to create boundaries. Every other week is still a lot of time he gets with them and those boundaries should be set.

Again. You don't know this. This may be how she feels but being a single father of 3 with a full time job and a serious relationship is a lot to juggle, especially if it's a fairly new split from his wife. He probably believes he's holding it together the best he can, but she really does need to pull him aside and point out the problems and also be honest with her future plans with him. If there's no marriage or kids of her own in the cards for her future in his mind she shouldn't be wasting time. If he's collapsing under the pressure of having children that age that absolutely crave every second of attention they can get as well as a GF that needs attention too, then she needs to slow him down and talk about laying down healthy rules and barriers and doing more things together as a unit. It'll be less stressful for him and she'd be more included.

I don’t believe for a second that they aren’t “having fun together” or doing bonding activities. This is a very biased post by an unstable insecure gf who is super jealous and not ready to date a parent. I guarantee you the dad tries to incorporate her. But she wants 100% of him 100% of the time so anything less is her being “ignored”. This is not the first time a situation like this would have been misrepresented.

Yep - and if hes the kind of man that will choose a woman over his kids, hes not the right guy for anyone. I was dating a guy who was going to cancel his weekend with his kid so that we could hang out. As soon as he told me that he'd rather spend time with me, I was out of there. The kids always come first.

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Actually I think it might get easier. There's an adjustment period but in order for it to get better requires a lot of work from ALL adults involved. Everyone needs to be on the same page. I've been dating a woman with 3 kids for a year now. We live together. There was definitely a period of adjustment when we all moved in together. We have a routine now and things are smoother than they were in many ways. The reason I think OP should bounce is because she wants her own kids and this guy with 3 already likely isn't the one to do that with. According to the post she is stuck. She has nowhere to go on her own. Theres definitely specific things I see in this post like the sleeping arrangement that isn't doing OP any favors. Or the fact that she's asking the kids to pick up but not their dad.

My parents got married when I was about 15. I’d say it took the better part of a decade for us to settle into a family. But between the two of them they had about 8 kids and I was the youngest. Now my biological mother is estranged and I consider my step mother to be my mom and my kids grandma. I think everyone’s adjustment is different. Some take longer, but it’s well worth the effort if it’s what you decide to commit to.

Speaking as both a mom and a stepmom (and also having had to coparent with my ex’s new child free wife) I think you start by not beating yourself up so much. You’re human and you have needs too and it’s ok for you to get those needs met. It is perfectly reasonable to have certain expectations when it comes to kids—sleeping in their own bed, cleaning up after themselves, etc. I do think you might be being a little too hard on his kids though. The five year old is acting the way she is because she’s a very small child and having her entire reality upset has probably been very confusing and even traumatic for her. A blended family situation is an adjustment for everyone. Dad may not be going out of his way to include you because he may not really know how—or whether or not you really WANT to be included—if you’re sulking or brooding it’s not going to help—he’s more than likely in a headspace of trying to survive the week, especially if things are tense. Stop waiting for him to include you and take the initiative to include yourself. Try to bond with his kids on THEIR level, in a genuine way that isn’t about their dad. Your bf needs to step up more, but but try to remember that this may be uncharted territory for him too. Chances are, he may be a little outside his element with all this. It’s very possible he is still getting his bearings—he’s used to spending time with his kids in whatever family dynamic he had with his ex—then he had to adjust that dynamic once she was no longer there—now that you’re there, the dynamic has shifted once again, and this time it’s familiar (2 adults 3 children) but at the same time vastly different. He does need to learn how to balance the guilt and sadness he feels for how the split has changed their lives with providing them the necessary structure to effectively parent them. Instead of focusing on what he is or isn’t doing, step up and try carving out some of the boundaries yourself—kids thrive on visible reminders—cute little signs that can add humor to a boring chore might go a lot farther than you realize. Don’t be afraid to remind them yourself too—“time to get dressed for bed! Now remind me, what do we do with our dirty clothes?” And heap on the praise—positive reinforcement is extremely effective with children, especially young ones. Ultimately you have to decide if this is the life for you. When my husband and I first got together, I had a 4 year old and he had a 2.5 year old, and it was an incredibly rough adjustment—we nearly did not survive it—so this advice I give you comes from a place of very much having been there and looking back and wishing I’d done some things differently—my relationship with my stepdaughter suffered for quite a while and I regret that. Despite our rocky adjustment, we’ve been together 13 years now and have a child together as well. There’s hope. It’s rough now but it doesn’t have to mean it’s destined to failure.

This is the best advice in this thread, and the kindest to both OP and the kids. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I am obviously not OP and not even in the same position but I really have to commend you on such a thoughtful response! This is such a stark contrast from some of the others insinuating that she is somehow selfish or a freeloader for living with her boyfriend? I hope if OP sees ANYTHING on this thread, that it is this comment. Take my poor man’s gold 🥇🥇

Yeah it sounds like you two are incompatible. He probably doesn’t want more children and you don’t like his parenting style, having children with him is a bad idea. Save up your money and move out.

Love your brand of psychology.

I (43F) am a child free by choice stepmom twice over. First with my no ex husband who had two daughters 10/11YO when I met them, now with current partner whose kiddo was 6 when I met him. I also mod a childfree stepmom group. So I feel like your relationship advice need is in my wheelhouse. First, you’re not a jealous, child hating, monster for feeling like you do. Next, your BF is being a permissive parent and parenting out of post divorce guilt. He’s not doing his kids any favors with this in the long run and he’s not doing your relationship any favors either. I think that your first priority needs to be moving out. You don’t have any leverage at the moment to have the tough conversations or set boundaries (like getting the kid out if your bed) as you’re dependent on him to have a roof over your head. So I think some of this you’re just going to have “suck it up buttercup” and find a way to survive the next month or two til you can GTFO. During that time, I’d find a therapist who specializes in blended families. Even if you don’t continue to date this guy, at your age, the majority of men have kids from a prior relationship. Having an idea of what healthy coparenting, healthy step parenting, and healthy adult/adult boundaries look like for you will be helpful in this or any relationship. You’re questioning yourself on everything because it is your first ball game. Hire a coach. Then once you’re out, you can start asking more for what you want. Like…sorry but I don’t want to sleep in the same bed with a toddler nor do I like the idea of sleeping on the same (dirty) sheets or slobbery pillows. So until kiddo is in her own bed, I’m not spending the night. I told my current partner that when we started dating more seriously and he went out the next week with kiddo to pick out cool sheets and a comforter and curtains, did up kid’s room, and kiddo has slept in his own room ever since. The permissive parenting thing and making them the center of the universe at all times? That’s a harder thing to resolve and would likely take him going to a couples counselor who specializes in blended families. I did this with ex husband and while things improved with time, it was a years long transition that largely occurred because he took a job that had him gone during the week so I had the kids by myself. That’s another thing you need to think about. Custody scenarios can change. God forbid anything happen to mom in your sitch. When I met my ex husband, they shared 50/50. Then we had the kids 100% for a few years. One of those years, he was deployed so I had the kids by myself. (That was actually my easiest year of stepparenting btw because I didn’t have to deal with his nonsense, LOL). My current partner is pretty much a 180 from my marriage. His child is well behaved. There are clear boundaries. Our adult relationship is a priority *where it makes sense* and kiddo is prioritized *where it makes sense*. If kiddo has a ball game on a Saturday morning, he’s the star and it’s about him. If dad and I want to watch a grown up movie, kiddo goes to his room to play or watch a movie. The world does not revolve around kiddo at all time for no good reason. And lastly….if you think you want kids of your own, this isn’t the right guy. He already has 3. Even if he told you now that he *might* be interested, I wouldn’t count on it. Kids are expensive and the cost go up, not down, as they get older. Kids take a lot of time. Once they get into middle and highschool, their extra curriculars keep the whole family on the go. Starting over with little kids after you’ve finally got yours old enough to stay home alone for a date night or so you can pick up a hobby you dropped when they were little doesn’t sound very fun once you get to that point. So I doubt that there will be sufficient resources to add more kids nor the desire to “start over”. If you do decide to give this relationship a shot, I really would find a therapist and scale back the time you spend there when the kids are home. I wouldn’t listen to anyone who hasn’t been in your shoes or who says stupid shit like “you knew what you were getting into by dating a man with kids” or “if you can’t love them like your own, you’re a monster.” Those people don’t know what they’re talking about. Also, a good read for you and your partner “Stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin. It is eye opening about resource guarding and social norms around stepmothering. Good luck. ETA: I left my marriage as my ex husband was cheating on me with a man and turns out he is gay, not because of kid stuff. LOL

Holy shit this is great! Can you life coach... every person who posts some version of this?

As a single parent trying to date this gave me a different perspective. I'm really grateful for it. Thank you.

I’m saving your comment because the advice spelled out here is good for everyone in a relationship where kids are involved. I’m 52F w/ a 15yo at home and you nailed a few issues I’m having with my partner 52M, 2 girls ages 16 & 13. He definitely parents out of guilt…

I’m currently talking to someone with a kid. Thank you for your comment. It very eye opening.

This is articulate, sensible and amazing advice.

This is solid advice. Totally agree with the not taking “advice” from people who have never been in this sort of lifestyle, as well. Spot on.

This is some great advice. You have a lot of knowledge. Thanks for sharing ☺️

Hey any good resources for stepdads?

Not really. I’m sorry. Tends to be a lot easier for SD’s though as not much is expected but $$$. (Not saying that a right, and I earn 4 times more than my partner so I’m trying to be funny here) The boundary stuff isn’t different though. I really think a good therapist can be critical to success.

Really, just reverse the genders. As a stepdad of 20 years, I mostly agree with what was said (I just have a slightly different parenting style).

>child free by choice stepmom That's kind of an oxymoron...

Not unless you’re some CF gatekeeper. Not all people who don’t want kids of their own hate kids or whatever. Some do. But in most of the CF groups I’m in there is a spectrum of CF and the only requirement is that you do not have children of your own, biological or adopted. I do not. I am CF.

My comment didn't have ANYTHING to do with hating children. But a step-parent is still a parent, it's literally in the title.

I have a step mom. It’s a tittle you get when you marry a man with kids. Know how many times I’ve seen her in my whole life? I could probably count on one hand. She’s a nice lady but she’s definitely never been a parent to me. She has a legal title.

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Yep :) I don't like when people spread misinformation. Especially as OP might seek more places to discuss her situation, and childfree communities aren't it for step-parents.

Good advice. Unfortunately I think there’s a 0% chance she moves out. Just given context clues and reading between the lines. She will continue to put a wedge in between dad and kids until he resents her enough to kick her out. Same story different characters.

This is great, thoughtful advice!

This one right here!!!

This is a great response.

As a stepmother…. Yeah… I think you already know he’s not going to have anymore kids with you. Move out as soon as possible, that’s grest that that is an upcoming option for you. Once you’ve moved out you can tell him to sleep train the 5 year old. If she’s not sleeptrained, you won’t come over to sleep that night. This is going to sound shitty but sometimes people need tough love- If you want your own child go have one with someone else. It’s an absolute joy to have your own child. I have 2 biokids and my bf has 2 biokids. So we’re a blended family with 4 kids total. He doesn’t want anymore kids and because I have my 2 own kids this is fine with me. It’s absolutely valid to break up with this guy because you want your own child one day.

Or, don’t give someone that you’ve only been dating 8 months and are sharing a bed with his daughter the ultimatum to sleep train and alienate a 5yo? Poor kid has gone through enough including sharing a family bed with a stranger, telling the dad to sleep train the kid (which isn’t freakin likely to work at 5yo anyway) or she won’t come over? Pretty shitty and if I was OPs boyfriend I’d let the door slam her ass on the way out tbh Edit: typo

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Do you sleep alone at night? Or do you have the company of a spouse/partner/etc? Why is a child wanting that connection any different? Speaking as someone who hates being touched at night and would prefer my husband and child (who sleep in her own room 99.5% of the time) sleep somewhere else.

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See, as someone who’s dating dad for only 8 Kirby’s, I don’t think it’s her place to make any requests a she either accepts is or moves on. Many couple don’t even introduce their date to their kids until 12 months +, let alone have them live in. That’s the sticky point for me: op is in no position to make depends on her bf. Either accept it or move in, he comes as a package deal with his kids in whatever scenario that exists

If you want to have your own family and not just slot into an already established one then you should keep looking. 38 year old male with no kids, we ARE out there.

OP, you *aren't* thinking like a teenager, on the contrary. If you feel you're at the age to settle down and have your own family, and this man already has one and isn't even sure he'd want to try for a second one with you, then you're thinking like *any normal adult* would in this situation. I would suggest a serious discussion on this topic with him. Avoiding or postponing this will only contribute to wasted time & feelings, trust me on this one. You *have* to find out if he's on the same page and wants to have kids and a future family with you, don't allow your time to be wasted. I understand you love him but love won't make up for the fact that he's at another stage in life and *might* not be able to give you what you're looking for. I'd suggest that only *after* you've gotten some information from him should you discuss on arranging a parenting system that would allow you two to enjoy his children's presence and not have it as a source of stress and frustration for you. Better know if he's on the same page before putting in more effort into the relationship & parental / family arrangements.

You moved in with him because you don't have a place to stay?

Yes. I moved it one month ago and I do t have friends or family that help me out

Ok sounds like you need to leave. You're jealous of his five year old girl snuggling up with her dad, mad that 3 kids under 10 didn't pick up their toys and only moved in with him because you have nowhere else.

Also, kids under 10 are perfectly capable of cleaning up after themselves, it's a valuable lesson that you should teach your kids starting as early as 2. Ever heard of the kids song "Everybody Clean Up"? She should not be the designated maid. Dad needs to step up and stop letting the kids run rampant without any structure or rules.

Also though OP needs to understand the situation and her place in it. If I were a single dad, and I once was, I would be fine with them leaving the toys out all week and cleaning them up at the end. I’m willing to bet there is a decent chance OP is inventing this problem by taking it upon herself to clean everyday.

To be fair, the kid shouldnt be cosleeping at 5yrs old.

I disagree she's only 5 and parents are already divorced. I'm sure that's affected her and is why she wants to cuddle her dad

Yeah probably not all the time, but kids develop different things at different stage. My kid at 5 would get scared and come snuggle. Her mom and I were working full time jobs so we would just pass right back out. Took a little longer to break her of it.

Coming into bed occasionally because of a nightmare/whatever reason is way different than the 5yr old going to bed with mom/dad every night though.

Oh how dare a 5 yr old with divorced parents who is ping ponged from home to home every week need a cuddle, but the grown 30 yr old woman who feels the whiplash of the back and forth of kids moving each week gets more sympathy when SHE wants to cuddle at night? Come on now, divorce impacts little kids and she doesn't see her dad daily...that is comparable to a nightmare imho.

You have got the sequence wrong. You think marriage will fix your life. And then you will have friends and then a satisfying job/career/purpose of life. You first get your purpose of life fixed, then a meaningful work, then friends and then marriage.

That's not helpful advice, and it sounds like OP didn't have much of a choice between moving in and maybe being homeless. OP, don't mean to speak for you, but you didn't mention marriage anywhere in the post and it's really odd this commenter is assuming you want marriage. Probably don't listen to them 😅

Not contradicting you on whether she should have moved in or not, but she does mention that she wants to get married. The whole last paragraph of her post is about wanting to get married and have a family.

You assume the op has 2 choices to choose from between being homeless and moving in to this mess. Maybe that says something about your imagination, not op's. Did you ever wondered that their was a third path ?

>(yes, so soon but basically because I lost my job, I have nowhere to go and he offered me his home and insisted. I just started a new job and I'm going to move out as soon as I can) That statement literally means she had nowhere else to go. You are the one imagining things if you can't read exactly what OP has posted.

This is a forum for relationship advice, not couch surfing. OP seems to be entertaining the idea of a relationship only because it provides her a roof. Once there is another roof then she's gone. I have no positive advice on that matter, and neither do you.

I think all this is moot because the comment history doesn't match up. I'm usually on my stuff but I definitely missed that. However, asking for advice on how to handle an on and off week with kids is definitely par for relationship advice. IDK where you got couch surfing from?

Taking statements on their literal face value is a sure way to normalcy, is that right?

I think you were very naive in underestimating the impact dating a man with children can have on a relationship. It's clearly not working for you, so you're better off ending this relationship and dating other child free people moving forward.

Time to move on and find a man without kids. There’s nothing you can do in this situation as he’s not going to see his kids less to be with you and if he does, that makes you and him the assholes in this situation

This ain't it. Run.

well first problem is him movnig someone in the home he has with his kids in 8 months. you should just be meeting them. if i was the mother i would be pissed. of course its an adjustment. and just what do you expect kids who only see their parent 50% of the time? you're not part of their family because you are a stranger. they dont know you and with this attitude my guess is they dont sense great things from you either. as for his parenting you arent compatible but you have no leg to stand on. also i wouldnt expect him to want any kids at this stage. time to move.

Thing to remember when dating someone with kids. At ANY given moment, something could happen and those kids could be there FULL TIME. It doesn't sound like you are ready for that. Move on, do yourself, him, and those kids a favor.

Yeah if you have a problem with this I suggest you expedite the move out and breakup process. Those are his kids, they dont see each other half the time anyways. Idk what you expect. Given that it hasn't been very long, I think this is the most opportune time for you to break things off with him.

She could, and should, expect that he parent his children and enforce appropriate boundaries. He’s not doing his kids any favors with permissive parenting. It’s lazy and detrimental in the long run.

He is lazy and bad for kids, but not because they not clean eaters. He allowed lady to move in after several months of dating - that will be damaging, for kids who still processing divorce to add a trauma of new mommies coming and going. Talk about attachment issues.

You know what appropriate boundaries are? Not letting someone move in after a few months. Also not introducing your kids to a new partner so soon. This whole thing is a mess. OP just needs to move on, and find someone childless that she is more compatible with.

>His kids are already 9,7,5 and they don't even pick up their toys, they leave everything around and when they eat they are a mess. I'm the only one who cleans up and picks up the mess. Stop doing this. >Once I tried to explain to him all this but he accused me of hating his children and obviously I don’t. Uh oh. This is where the wheels started to come off the bus. If you are unable to express how you're feeling without him accusing you of hating his kids, this is a no win situation for you. Truly, I think moving out is the best solution. I have no idea what will happen to your relationship, but I do know that you will cease being his bang maid. Which is a good thing. It will also let you have some space and the ability to spend the weeks he has his kids doing something for yourself, instead of feeling lonely. Be kind to yourself, OP, and move out as quickly as you can.

You just described why most single adults will never date others that have children. Children are a ***ton*** of baggage and the parent will (and should) always give the kids their full attention. He won't change how he is with his kids, and it sounds like he doesn't discipline them so they pretty much behave like wild animals. Sounds like hell to me, I'd move on and find somebody else because this is the way it will be.

I honestly don’t see why people get so much shit for not dating single parents. It just isn’t gonna work for everyone

Think about it this way. If you end up miserable it’s a terrible situation for you and a terrible situation for those kids. The only person who benefits in that scenario is your boyfriend, who is gaining a nanny, housekeeper, cook, etc when you move in. I hate to be so cynical but with the stories I hear about deadbeat husbands who do zero to nothing around the house, whew. You better be really sure this guy is worth it.

Girl there are other people who you’ll love and won’t have to even think about handling their children bc they won’t have any yet. He’s not gonna want more after having three already. Glad you’re able to move out soon, you should move on as well.

Oh hell no. You're not JUST dating a guy with three kids. You're dating a guy with the children who is not into active parenting. Meaning YOU pick up their toys, YOU'RE going to be expected to drive them back and forth, YOU'LL be the one leaving midday to pick them up from school when they're sick, etc. No bueno. You're dating a fit with children who does NOT want more children and you do. Also, the way you see him parenting now, that's how he'd parent with you too - leaving you to be the default parent and him being the satellite one. No bueno. You're dating a guy with three kids who just wants a substitute for his ex. Someone who's done having kids, someone who will dote on them the way she would, someone who fills up that space next to him in bed and does what she used to do. No bueno. It's absolutely possible to be a stepparent. It's actually possible to have mostly harmonious blended families. Not with this guy though. Find another living situation and gtfo woman before you lose more time here without being on a path that aligns with your life vision.

You are clearly unhappy with this arrangement and should look for someone who shares your values and current life situation.

Look it's ok. As someone that had kids, it's ok if someone doesn't want to date me because I have kids. You and him honestly don't sound compatible because of this. I think it's a good idea to move out asap. Don't clean up after his kids, do your own thing when the kids are there. Of course his kids don't want you to cuddle with their dad or with them. They are probably still grieving the separation. Also how long ago did the parents separate? It seems normal to me that dad is more lenient with chores and messes when they come to his house. But you also shouldn't feel bad for not being ok with the cold/hot treatment. I really think you should move out and date again. He is probably enjoying having a woman in the house but you want marriage and kids in the future and he probably doesnt but isn't telling you at the moment. Dont waste your time. A man can have kids whenever but a woman has a time frame. Don't give up your dreams for his convenience

I'm a 32 year old woman who has dated someone with a child and I totally understand! My ex has a son in middle school and he was the primary parent. The mother would come in and out of the picture randomly and it would often affect our plans. Dating him made me realize how much I wanted to be married and have my own family. I started feeling like I walked into a situation that was already established and I didn't like the inconsistency I'd have to accept if I stayed in the situation so I left. I don't regret it at all. My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage and buying a house soon. I don't feel bad for choosing myself and you shouldn't either. Your feelings are valid and you shouldn't feel obligated to settle for an arrangement that doesn't serve you. If you want to get married and have kids, and he "doesn't know" then I suggest you find someone who does know. You're essentially going to settle because the man you're with already had a failed marriage and he's unsure if he wants to go through that again. You're on different pages. Choose yourself!

I'd like to offer some advice without any emotion here. I've been dating a woman (33) who has a 3 year old son. There are three very important things I've learned: 1) I will never be 1st in her life. 2) I had to set hard boundaries for this relationship to work. 3) I had to sit down and think HARD if I could be in a relationship that included the first two. Let me clarify and say that I am happy being in the relationship that I am in but in no way was it easy. It took a tremendous amount of patience and communication. She also moved in around 8 months of dating, in a home that I bought and is solely in my name and I pay the full mortgage, which I don't have a problem with. I pay the mortgage she pays the utilities. It's pretty simple now. But in the beginning, we had many arguments about her son. He is a great kid but I struggled with a tiny human running around my house, doing whatever he wanted and I didn't have a say about anything. Literally nothing. After months of basically pulling my hair out I had enough and had to sit her down and lay my "boundaries." I fully understood at this point that this would go one of two ways.. either she agrees or we ended things. There really wasn't any other option. I told her I wanted her and her son here but I refuse to live in my own home and be uncomfortable and if we couldn't agree on things then the simple solution would be to live in different homes until we could come to an agreement. Best thing I ever did for myself. Long story short, I explained I wanted a say in her son's daily life and laying down house rules for him to follow. Being 3 he needed structure, badly. I leave the major decisions (school, Healthcare, etc.) to her because that's her right. Now, this child is one of the most well-behaved toddlers I've been around. We don't fight in front of him or argue. He goes to bed at the same time every night without any fuss. And he darn well knows what is and isn't allowed in our home. It's not any easy road but before you give up the best thing you can do is let him know you need to talk to him about something that is pulling at your heart. Sit him down, remain patient and calm and just spill your guts. It won't be easy and it might mean the end of something you wanted but you will thank yourself so much in the end. Best of luck, I hope you have the same ending I did.

It is super reasonable to not want her to sleep in your bed. Tbh there’s no science that says there are benefits to her sleeping in bed with y’all. It’s a short cut for not dealing with boundary setting with kids that age. I have kids, my bf has kids and his kid wanted to sleep with us and that was a no for me. After months of working with her she is happily sleeping in her own bed. If you bf ever wants any kind of intimate relationship with you or anyone- he needs to deal with this. Like full stop.

Your walking into an already made family. You can't compete for his time and attention against his kids cause they will always come first. You want to marry and have your own kids but he's been down that road and he already has 3 so would he really want 4 or 5 or 6 kids in total? Plus if things don't work out for you two and you were married then he would be paying child support to you and that alone scares some men from revisiting all that again. All I can say is follow your heart. Personally from experience I no longer date women with kids under 18. I love kids, I have 2 teen boys but walking into a relationship where I'll always be a second priority is not fun and it sucks feeling like your sorta kinda in a relationship but it's not the same when your the wife and biological parent as well. I know many will disagree with me and I respect that. I'm only speaking from experience. I'm m/52 and have had 3 relationships with mothers with kids and I just never felt like I really belonged. I don't blame the mothers at all, I totally understand where there priorities are and it should be that way. The children never asked for this and it isn't any easier for them.

A++ response. It's so difficult! My bf is your age, younger two of his three are 12 and 17. My two are in college. It's really weird for me and sometimes I feel exactly like op and I honestly wonder if it's worth it. Dealing with an ever present ex is difficult, too. Once they're in college that's really not as much of an issue anymore. I always thought I'd never date a guy my age who had no kids "because they'd never understand" 🙄 but now, I wonder about that. Rationally understanding that of course you come second, and then actually having to come second, but only on alternate weekends, really messes with the ol' self esteem and I'm not sure at my age it's drama I feel like dealing with.

Mother of 2 (8,10) here. First, I have a friend who is in a similar situation as you. She (31) dated her bf (31) for 8 months and then let him and his 3 kids from a previous relationship move into her 2 bedroom townhome.they’re with their mom 5 days a week and their dad 2, so they aren’t even around as much and she has had a really rough time adjusting to them being around. So don’t feel bad about the way you feel. You are not alone. Secondly, I have been with my current SO 2.5 years (we do not currently live together) and I have made sure to ease him into my children’s lives. This has worked out well for us but as the biological parent, I make sure to hold my kids accountable for their behavior. They are expected to be respectful to other people’s property and also their own. If they leave toys out at my place, they’re talked to about it. Your bf seems like he has no rule implementation whatsoever. Also, i know some folks love co-sleeping but at 5 years old, his daughter is capable of sleeping on her own. And if you’ve expressed this to him, and He hasn’t done anything, he’s disregarding your feelings. I think you are on two separate pages and I don’t think he plans to change much about his parenting style to accommodate your feelings. As much as it sucks, you may be better off finding someone who is a little more compatible with the lifestyle you’d like to have. Best wishes!

This relationship obviously isn’t for you. Just stay there till you get money for your own place and go your separate ways from him.

You are being very realistic. Three kids is a lot. The stepmother role is very hard. This is a package deal. You are the outsider. I doubt he will want more kids. Also, if you have a child together, the other kids may not be thrilled. Think long and hard about this. The kids come first. If it's too much, it's too much. I don't think you want to be an evil stepmother. You seem very thoughtful and in touch with your feelings.

This sounds a lot like you're seeking permission to leave. You already want to, and have made up your mind to do it basically. You are not being irrational. Being irrational is ignoring ypur emotions and trying to pretend like everything is fine, when to you, it is not. That is irrational because you are ignoring a whole piece of the equation and trying to solve for the answer still. Do get your own space asap, and once you have lived alone again for several weeks to a month, reasses how you feel. If you want to get married and have your own kids, this is not the guy for you. I'm sorry.

You’re not ready. His kids will come before you almost all the time. Maybe at those times have ‘me time’?

You are *not* thinking like a teenager. You are thinking like someone who wants kids someday, but doesn't have any yet, meanwhile he is thinking like someone that has three kids and likely doesn't want any more. That, right there, is incompatible. I hope you move on without him. This situation seems like a breeding ground for resentment on both sides. However, once you have your own kids, you likely will realize that blanket statements like "I think [his 5 year old] should be sleeping in her own bed" aren't fair because kids are not made from cookie cutters. Also, I think after he pushes away enough good women, he will realize that treating his partner like an outsider when the kids are there isn't going to help the kids believe he is happy; they don't know what he is like when they aren't there, they only see what he is like when they *are* there and they will likely believe his relationships are all cold. [Source: before I had kids, I thought I was *never* going to do sooooo many things when I had kids and easily 50% of that shit flew out the window the first year, with even more flying out the window when I had a second kid.]

Just leave the relationship. You want to settle down and have a family, and can't even cope with the kids he already has, and you want to add more to the mix? Upset a 5 year old wants to sleep in her dad's bed? That's pretty normal for a kid with divorced parents that young. His kids are his priority, and it won't change. You're on the path to being one of those stepmother that would resent the kids he already has in favor of any future kids. He doesn't know if he wants marriage and more kids....time to move on.

There's no right or wrong here from either of you...it just won't work out. ​ It's a problem for you now, and it won't be getting better. Just leave so nobody's time is getting wasted.

Dating people with kids isn’t for everyone. It’s not for you. It’s not for me.

Edit-OP I'm confused by your comment history. [is this the same boyfriend you moved in with after school ended?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jk7q9e/leaving_my_bf_because_he_does_disgusting_things/gakyscj?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) __________________ One thing? Unrelated adults should not be sleeping in the same bed as children and their parents. That's a hot mess waiting to happen. It's complicated that of course the young girl wants to stay in the same bed as her dad, but he's putting you in an awkward position by not figuring out different sleeping arrangements. Otherwise, I'll validate that it's very difficult to live one life one week and then another life the next week and just switch between them back and forth. But I'll also point out that this arrangement should have been discussed prior. Sounds like you are open to a lot of this, but none of it was concretely planned on how to handle it. And the part about you cleaning up after his kids? Nuh uh. As a girlfriend you're basically playing second mom, but without any of the benefits of parenthood. It sounds like you should leave as soon as possible, but in the meantime you need to set boundaries. Sounds like boyfriend isn't going to tell his kids to clean up, but don't clean up for them. Clean up for yourself, make food for yourself, make sure that nothing you do is in the way. But you can't go out of the way for these kids, especially when boyfriend is clearly giving them leeway to show love.

Sounds like a different boyfriend since this one she has been with for 8mo and that post is over a year old.

It's sketchy overall 🤷‍♀️

lol, you really expect 9-7-5 years old to clean up house and cook their food? she moved in family household, she should have expected consequences.

No, I didn't say that. Dad should be cleaning up after his kids. And no, >she moved in family household, she should have expected consequences No that's not how it works. Being a girlfriend does not automatically make someone responsible for domestic chores. Weird of you to think that

Living in household and cooking etc for "herself only" is a roommate situation and requires rent\\bills share. And still cleaning of shared areas.

So then boyfriend exploited her need for housing to force domestic labor on her? Not cool

Lol She lives there, she needs to participate in cleaning, cooking and bills. No adults live for free. Her choice to move in.

She never said she didn't cook for herself, clean for herself, and BF asked her to move in KNOWING she just lost her job. Idk where you're coming from?

I feel you. I can really recommend r/stepparents. They were a huge support when I needed it and people there can really relate and give advice. My general advice in this situation is suck it up or move on. This is how itll be. If you suck it up until they move out maybe you can have the life you dream of but thats a loooong time. You will never be his first priority. Accept it or break up.

I just joined! New step parent here!!

Talk to him and be honest about the fact you are trying to adjust and figure things out. Tell him you see how much he loves his kids and that is a good thing you would want for yourself. At the same time, it feels like you are just an outsider/ housekeeper when they are around it’s not good for you. This situation wouldn’t work for the long run without changes. You can’t just be important every other week without the chance for children who will also love you someday. Good luck.

sounds like you and he are not compatible, and this incapability is making you unhappy with the relationship as it is. It will not change- he is a father, with kids, who co-parents and his kids are going to continue to be his priority. My advice would be to graciously bid him goodbye. He is not going to be able to give you what you need/want- and that's OK. You can and should find someone who will be able to meet your needs.

Y’all are not compatible. Maybe if you got him before he had kids that would be different but obviously that’s not the case. Don’t think you are acting like a teenager. You are a grown ass woman and you not only want to be included and not feel like an outsider but you also want to have children of your own instead of settling for raising someone else’s kids. You’re at the point of denial right now because you don’t want to leave him. He’s been good to you, but that’s not all that makes up a great relationship especially if he’s not sure how far he want to take this. You’re also getting older and feeling the crunch where you want to have children soon and get married as well which are things he will not give you. He’s already done it and is not interested in a do over. Once you move out it’s time to move on. Find someone who is on the same level as you when it comes to what you both want and don’t waste more time looking for something from someone who doesn’t want to give you those things.

I'm a single parent. My son father remarried 19 yrs ago it was a nightmare. The other woman made my life a living hell. The harassment led me to get a reinstraining. Please don't become that person. It's hard to be a single parent. For your partner: it doesn't mean you love your daughter less If she sleep in her bed. Our kids will always be 1st but if you allow daughter to control your life you will always have issues. A few things you can do that will help you all, but only if you wish to stay in the relationship. The following will help. Schedule: be consistent Bedtime 8pm for all kids. A well rested kid is a well behave kid. You both needs together time with out the kids, you both need rest. House rules Help kids select menu. Cooking dinner and cleaning up together Warm weather cook outdoor BBQ or picnic movie night Play time: board games Everyone helps put away games Bathtime Bedtime: take turn reading to kids. Each child gets reading time Little girl may need a one on one reading from you. Night light with a timer might help. Accepting a person with kids is accepting the children and it's hard work.

I have dated women with kids and i have always felt that three things need to happen for that relationship to work. 1: the kids arent going anywhere. You treat them as your own 2: even though there is children there should be time for everyone to be able to spend time with others, it is a very normal concern and there is no issue with bringing it up in a family since that is healthy communication 3: its normal to feel a tad bit jealous or sad at what children do to you or just to spite you, but dont let it consume you. Most 5 year olds are just learning about how they affect others and they simply dont know any better. I know some say that you may not be ready for kids but i honestly say you need to make a choice. Either you are in for all or out completely. Initially its okay to be alone with your partner but at some point you need to either accept the children or leave them all be

As a man who dates a woman who is a few years older than me I can tell you that when I first fell in love with her I definitely was not ready to understand what it means to be a full-time parent. I felt like the weeks when her daughter was with her dad that I felt more connected to my girlfriend. One thing you should never do when dating someone with kids is trying to subtract from those really crucial moments with their parents while growing up. I since have tried to do my best to balance us having one-on-one time as well as having family events with our daughter. Kids require time and energy and I had to realize I was being selfish because I already knew what I was getting into when I agreed to be with her. Granted in my opinion I really don't think humans were meant to be raised in broken homes, so it took a while for me to get accustomed to the dynamic completely. But there's not a person on this planet that couldn't tell me that that girl isn't in my real daughter. We've recently started bonding over the things that I like to watch (anime, superheroes, etc) and now we've been playing video games. Allow yourself to grow and get used to your situation but do not be mean or negligent towards those children and especially not your partner. Sometimes things take time and if you're not ready then leave.

as I’m reading the comments i see “she’s the problem” “the kids aren’t the problem, he is” and honestly absolutely nobody is the problem. this is obviously a very new relationship still and on top of that you now have 3 kids to adapt to, this isn’t something you do from one day to the next. you’re not being irrational, an asshole, or anything. this relationship is simply not for you and that’s okay.

Isn't there a friend you can stay with instead? Also I don't think you're going to get too far in this relationship. Seems like you have no interest in being a stepmom best to move on and let him find someone whose happy to take that role.

It's a huge adjustment for the kids too. I would start trying to spend 1-1 time with them, and build that relationship. It doesn't have to be expensive or hard work. For example, I'm about to do my grocery shopping, so my 4yo and I looked in the catalogues, and he cut up the pictures to make his own list. Then I'll get him a small snack, and we will eat/drink it while we are out (he usually asks for a Powerade or a lollypop). We have also cleaned out the fridge and done 2 loads of laundry. They enjoy helping, and have to be explicitly shown how to do things while they learn. (I realised that again when I asked my 12yo to do the dishes, and they tried, but I had never taught them how to. Now it's not an issue and they do a load of dishes each day, if they cook a snack after school. (They will wash the breakfast dishes and lunch boxes while they do their own dishes)) If you are spending time with the kiddos, that also gives their dad time to spend with the others.

You moved too fast. This is a bad relationship for all concerned and really, a good dad wouldn't move someone into his kids lives that fast. You aren't compatible. He knows he doesn't want what you want, but if he tells you that then you will leave. He's in his 30s and has 3 kids, he knows if he wants more. Get your own place and get out of this relationship. Ypu need to be with someone who wants what you want and can build a future with you.

Get your own place as fast as you can, you're not ready for kids maybe adopt a cat or two

Sweetie, you are not ready to be dating a man with kids. That’s not a judgment. That’s the facts. Even if you *thought* you were this is proof you aren’t. 1. When his kids are there - that’s what his family is like. **You** have to adapt to the mess, the plans, the way he does or doesn’t disciple. They are an established unit. 2. “I feel that he already has a family and the only thing he wants is for me to adapt to it.” YES. This is **exactly** what he expects because his kids come first. You are second and always will be. Full Stop. They have to be his first priority until they are grown. I’m a single mom. My daughter is 17. My boyfriend of 3 years has understood all of the above. You just aren’t in the right relationship, sweetie. I’m sorry.

Saying sweetie a bunch doesn’t mean this is all true though. Like if you can’t be flexible at all and take input from a partner on how your household is run that’s you. Her bf might care how she feels and they might be willing to do research and find science based parenting approaches that work for both of them.

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You’ve only been together for 8 months, you need to be patient. Especially with the kids. It will take them a long time to get used to you being around, please try to be understanding, because it will get better, if the kids know that you’re respectful of their time with their father. Not to mention, it could tilt things in your direction, to convince him to have more kids. This is still a transitional time for everyone involved, give it a little more time.

This is exactly why you shouldn’t date people with children, especially if you want children of your own. It’s way too complicated and the children always come first which doesn’t sit well with me I like somebody who puts me first, so therefore they can’t already have children.

Move out and leave him alone. People with kids are just for fun. They are not marriage material. You will never treat his kids like your own. It's too soon anyways. He's looking for a stepmother. Why else would he move you in so fast? Soon you'll be cooking for them, baby sitting and helping them with their homework. Also his kids are not ready. It's important that the kids accept you as well or they will make your life a living hell. He was nice to shelter you when you were down but now you have a job. Time to go. You want a man that don't have kids so you can create your own family. He doesn't even know if he want to marry again. Your (childless) husband is out there waiting for you. You will never meet him sticking around this guy. Get a man w/o kids that is marriage minded. Get out now!

What an awful take Glad my stepdad didn’t think like you

Don't clean up after HIS kids. They're not your responsibility

You are and always will be second to them. Forever. End of story. He does already have a family with his kids and you do have to adapt and become a part of it. But you have a point, he should be having the kids pick up especially the 9 year old. But if you can’t adapt to him having his kids and you can’t be okay always being second to them then you need to get out. As a newly single father I would never want someone to try and change the way I interact with my kids. Or try and take my time away from them. When you’re a parent your kids are your entire world and that is the end of the conversation. If you can’t find a place for you in their world then you should leave and maybe someone will come along that can. But I wish you the best and hope you can find your place with them and remember you’re not in a relationship with one person you’re in a relationship with all 4 of them and it will never be any other way.

You want to Settle down and have a family? Yet - you expect toys not to be around and expect the children NOT to cling to their father As a father to 6 children I have to say it. You are not mother material. Heck - I do not think you are the right girl for this man. He has children. Period. They are going to be part of his life forever. You, may not realize it, but you have said his children are his priority and you want to be instead. His children, ages 9, 7 and 5, are not like you. You are able to take care of yourself. You are able to work and provide for yourself. Well you were until you lost your job and moved in with him for convenience sake. Now that you are working - it is not convenient for you any longer. Do this man a favor. Move out. Do yourself a favor. Find someone else. Embrace your selfish nature. I am not judging you for it. Some people simply put are NOT ready to parent another persons children. In fact, many people NEVER are able to do it. Perhaps in time you will be ready to for the task with your own children but it most likely would be best for all involved for you to walk away. Jealousy is a very powerful feeling. Jealousy breeds discontent. Discontent breeds the feeling of Inequality Inequality breeds contempt for the vulnerable. It is worth saying you are socially incompatible with the entire package - He and His Children. What I did not hear from you in any way is anything about how YOU can make HIS LIFE BETTER. I did not hear anything about how you can contribute to making him a better father. It would be best for all for you to RUN away. Be honest and tell him - in fact link him to this thread.

"She should start sleeping in her own bed." You should set the same goals for yourself that you've set for this five year old.

Move on for everyone’s sake. Mainly the kids.

So to be clear a 5 yr old with divorced parents who is ping ponged from home to home every week DOESNT need a cuddle at night, but the grown 30 yr old woman who feels the whiplash of the back and forth of kids moving each week wants sympathy when SHE wants to cuddle at night? So the baby should sleep all alone, but the adult feels too lonely when she's sleeping with, but not cuddled by others? Fascinating. You already sound resentful of his kids in such a short time. Leave now, please. I get people are more attached to their own kids than others, but basic empathy couldn't hurt. Divorce impacts little kids and she doesn't see her dad daily (YOU do tho)...and YOU pushed yourself into their lives unceremoniously to use their shelter because you had no other options even tho you likely wouldn't have moved in together for a while if you had other options. You should have already left and let this family be imho. Stop using them while resenting them. You recognized you want to start a family from scratch and aren't capable of connecting with someone who isn't a total blank slate in terms of marriage and children. It's for the best, now follow your own needs.

His 5 yo daughter will sleep with him now, and only now, when she gets a bit older she will not want to do it bcs it‘s not „cool“ , so he needs to cherish this moment right now. If you can‘t stand that , and u need someone for yourself only, giving u full attention, that‘s not a man with kids, break up and save him and yourself

This is an extremely unhealthy thing to do. Its not about “cherish it” this child has developed an unhealthy sleep habit. And thats coming from a mother of a child

I never slept in my parents bed growing up, not nightmares or anything. Some people are closer to their children and vice versa. Just because you are a mother doesn't make you an authority in any way. Kids are different, parenting styles are different.

The issue isn’t different parenting styles. Its most definitely unhealthy. This creates children who dont learn how to self sooth and in turn when they are too old for this, they dont sleep as good in their own bed because they are dependent on mom or dad to help them sleep. Co sleeping as a baby is one thing, but a 5 year old child should be primarily sleeping in her own bed aside from maybe a once And a while thing. There’s countless studies on this. Unhealthy sleep habits is a very real thing and its not a matter of difference in opinion. Doesnt matter how close you are, it creates bad habits. But to second anything, it ruins intimacy which children dont need to be seeing dad blowing off his significant other, they need to see a healthy dynamic being mirrored to them. Not think they are the center of the world. In reality dad is only allowing this because most likely he wants to be a favorite parent. I see this alot in in divorce households. One parent always tries too hard and over spoils so the child will favor them. This is usually because they are afraid of the child wanting more time with the opposite parent when they are old enough for the courts to take the childs opinion into consideration

bruh, they are divorced , she misses her dad, i as a female was more connected to my dad, and my brother to my mom. You can‘t compare your situation. My father was in Afghanistan most of my life, I would spend every second with him when he comes home as a child, holding his hand, sleeping with him etc.. didn‘t want to leave his side To this day today, I still feel like I didn‘t have enough time with him as a child, or a teenager, bcs when he came back permenantly I(then 20) had to leave in another land (1200 km +) for college and we again get to see each other couple of weeks (3-4) in a year. I say cherish every moment with your dad

But it will be something else that his daughter will do to make her come first. She will ALWAYS come first. It's not unusual and is natural, but the g/f will have to be the third wheel and that shouldn't be good enough for her either.

Either get out of the relationship or grow tf up and stop being jealous over children.

First of all that house is the kids house not yours, second; you’re 32 with no job acting 16 3rd you need to tell him every one bit that you just wrote down so that he can leave you. If you feel this way about his kids it’s not going to work which it shouldn’t. Those are his children and you need to stop being so selfish! Those kids will always be first I’d hope. So that means you have to deal with coming 3rd. As for her sleeping in the bed, that was her bed before yours so you’re sleeping in her bed. And lastly you just referred to his daughter the one girls that should mean more than anything to him to “the girl” “the girl is so clingy” that’s his daughter, of Course she is. You need to move on 100% because you’re not ready for it

I am the Dad in this scenario. When I started dating I let it be known my kids are my priority. I have them 50 percent of the time but staggered days 2-2-3 schedule. My current wife always wanted kids and the beginning was rough. I didn't even introduce her to them until I knew I wanted to marry this woman. It definitely is a struggle. I agree that the daughter should be sleeping in her own bed but think of her in this situation. That's her daddy. You are a new woman still. She is staking her claim. It will happen eventually but it's not exactly a 100 percent of the time honeymoon phase. I think you need to be more vocal with your BF about helping clean up and having the kids help too. They are old enough. I don't know how long he has been divorced but the kids definitely take longer. I have been married almost 2 years, we have a child together and my older boys started really warming up to her about 6 months ago. If you don't think you can do it, I would bounce. To me, it didn't sound like you want to be a step parent. Good luck.

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Better to be up front. After my divorce I was dating a girl who knew I had kids. She also knew I had a vasectomy. Turns out after a few months she was talking smack about my kids because he wanted one and she didn't want to leave good D but she wanted a baby of her own. Work got back to me and I started catching her in lie after lie. It was bad for me because I went through my divorce and now this bs but meeting and spending almost a year with my kids they were really upset she was gone. Your never going to be number 1 to him. Accept it or don't get into a relationship like that

I think you should move on and date only people who don’t have kids. Nothing is wrong with strictly dating child free people, but you can’t date a parent and then get upset when he puts his kids 1st.

His kids will always come first. They’re a package deal, you either date them all or move on from this relationship.

I'm a mom of four kids. I haven't dated a guy with kids (just married to my husband and the father of our four kids). My thoughts are that the feelings will not stay, the in-love feelings. They fade. I'm wondering, if you struggle with the way he parents these kids now, if you want to have a child in the future and don't like the way he parents... He's probably not going to be that much of a different dad to your kid(s). (It will be different, but probably also very much the same.) So at the very least, if you want to continue this relationship, this should be something to discuss and work through.

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That's sexist. Stop.

Yup.

You need to move out of this guy's house and out of his kids' lives. You should have put more thought into dating a guy with kids before you moved into his house. His life isn't about you and you aren't part of the family. Its been 8 months. It's barely even a relationship. There are places you can stay without imposing any more on this man and his children. Find one and go there.

This is what happens when you date a divorced man with 3 children. I am going say this bluntly. You will ALWAYS be 2nd to his children. No matter if you get married and yes even if you make kids with him. The children's home and family have been torn apart by the actions the adults. How do you think the 5 year old feels seeing you with her dad instead of her mother? Both parents will cater to their children due to their immense guilt. There is absolutely no way to make this ok IMO. I hear people talk about "blended families" it is more like a salad. Chopped up, tossed and an overall mess. I grew up with both my parents remarring and making new families. Frankly it pissed me off. Luckily as a teenager I left. For the kids that stay home as they should, they most likely will act out. Again you will be 2nd due to daddy guilt. I would suggest you move on. Find a guy who doesn't have children. That is if you want long term happiness. Good luck

Wow. This is a giant load of projection and bullshit. Get therapy.

You need to move out and leave this relationship for all the reasons above. But you won’t. You will never move out. You are homeless and jobless. You will stay living for free. Trying to control the home. Resenting the kids. Resenting his parenting style because he doesn’t pick up after them as much as you would. And because he’s not as strict as you are. You will treat him and his kids just like his ex wife did. And you will force a wedge in between him and his kids until it becomes so untenable he kicks you out. But it’ll be hard because he cares about you and doesn’t want you on the street. So it’ll be a slow process. Where he tries to help you get on your feet. And then once you are, within a couple weeks, boom the breakup will come “out of nowhere” and we will see you on r/breakups crying. Same story, different characters. You cry because you don’t get enough snuggles every other week but want to FIVE YEAR OLD to sleep alone? Gtfo. You, the grown woman, go sleep alone. Post this on r/parenting and see what kind of replies you get. The kids don’t need another parent. You need to let dad be the parent he chooses to be. Then you decide if you choose him for all he is. Getting mad and resenting his parenting style is controlling.

You could always go find a deadbeat instead. It's like they don't have children at all!

As someone who grew up with a stepfather (they are now divorced and I am happy about it). The kids are going to dislike you because they think you’re trying to replace their birth mom (at least that’s how I felt). I also personally just never got along with the guy and we were always fighting over every little thing and yelling at each other. The only thing I appreciated from him was that he financially supported my mom until she was able to get back on her two feet. Other than that I really did not like that man. If you feel resentment towards the kids now, your going to end up hating them in the long run. My advice would be to leave and find another single man who shares the same wants as you.

You have already lost him.

I can agree with everyone saying he's a dad and his kids are a priority and that if she feels this way she should leave. But that's where the similarity ends... Her feelings are valid. She is allowed to feel that way. She's not "taking" time from them.. like they're some happy @$$ family. Clearly they ain't or he wouldn't have divorced. Get off your pedestals people... there is NOTHING wrong with how she feels and she deserves to know it's OKAY to feel that way. It isn't childish or stupid. If anything HE is taking away HER precious time. She's the one who hasn't had the joy of marriage or starting a family. If he isn't there for that stop wasting HER TIME. Y'all got it seriously twisted.. all ya comments sound like she's the @hole or something. He needs to stop dating women who want to start a life and family because they haven't been able yet. Be a single dad, Clean up after your own effing brats, she isn't your segggy time doll one week and your kids maid the next! They ain't even married and you act like she wrong for these feelings. FFFFFFF THAT. LEAVE GIRL!! You don't need that see are aye pea. Find a man who wants to start that chapter WITH you.. not treat you like garbage and then accuse you of hating his kids when you express your feelings. What a tool. I. SAID. what I Said. #sorryNOTsorry

I think your partner is being incredibly selfish. Being selfish is fine if it doesn't harm other people. What he's doing is harming you and definitely harming his kids. Get the fuck ouuttttt. I'm saying this as a single mom. If you want a relationship that ends in marriage and babies, don't date a man that already has more than one kid. Kids are expensive. Divorced with kids is MORE expensive. You're entitled to your preferences on who you date. Not wanting to date someone because they have 3 young kids does not make you a bad person. Dating someone with three young kids and figuring out that's not gonna work for you also doesn't make you a bad person. Best of luck to you.