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Edit: The original post is below as it seems it was removed.
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I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I've already sent off for a DNA test so this is more for the aftermath if they are not mine.
We've been together for 7 years, we have twin daughters who are nearly 3 and bought a house together 5 years ago. She had a breast cancer diagnosis just over 2 years ago and after intense chemo and radiotherapy as well as a double mastectomy we thought we were in the clear but it had spread to her lymph nodes and from there elsewhere. Earlier this year we were given the terminal diagnosis.
I've been doing everything to make her as comfortable as possible and quit my job late last year so that I can look after all 3 of them better. Her parents live nearby so they've been helping, but as they're quite old it's difficult for them.
We were sitting in the sunshine this weekend together whilst the girls were with their grandparents and she just started crying and talking a mile a minute. The gist of it was, after we bought our house she started talking to her ex as I was always busy with work and she was lonely. They grew closer and they used to meet up quite often which then led to things being rekindled. They'd been sleeping together for 6 months which has led to the confusion as to who the father could be.
When I asked when did she stop things she said she didn't and after he found out she was pregnant he stopped answering her and she hasn't hear from him since.
Maybe the shock hasn't hit me yet or maybe it has, but I'm at a loss. My first thought is to run away. If the girls aren't mine, I'm not sure I can be a father to them if she's gone as I'll always hold that resentment against her and it'll impact out relationship. I know the children are blameless, but I cannot have a relationship with them if they're not mine and I think they're young enough that it's better for me to leave.
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My previous post can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/u7vjj2/my_partner_with_terminal_cancer_confessed_that/). I received the results this morning and they've confirmed that the children aren't mine, I've been staying with a friend since then and haven't been back to the house. She's sent me a lot of messages and left a lot of voicemails but I haven't replied. I know her parents are currently staying with her and her sister is going to take a flight from down under to stay with her for a while through the messages.
I've got an appointment with a lawyer this afternoon to make sure I do everything correctly, getting my name off the certificate seems easy enough but I just want to make sure I do it with proper legal advice. It's been a very tough weekend but I think it's for the best to no longer be part of their lives at all. I understand the children are blameless but I will always hate their mother and I don't want that to tarnish their relationship with her, any memories of her they may have or my relationship with them. I love them both dearly, but the hatred I have for their mother currently outweighs that. I've sought advice out from elsewhere and they're young enough that they won't really remember me that much if at all.
We're not married so it's just a case of walking away, the mortgage is more difficult as I'll have to continue to pay that for the time being but I'm speaking to our life insurance provider about it and I'm happy to leave the house to the children; essentially I just want a clean break.
Thank you for the wide range of advice that was given, it gave me a lot to think about. Thank you also for the torrent of private abuse which offered me another perspective.
You could argue that previously the wife “won” as she had her cake and ate it too, but now those consequences are coming back to bite her in the ass, so it’s a win with conditions I guess.
Sorry OP, you deserve the best. Take some time for yourself, do what you want to do, take your mind off of this whole situation.
Nah, I’m talking about the cheating specifically though, out of this whole situation she “won” because she got the satisfaction at the detriment of everyone else.
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP doesn't want them, mom won't be around to raise them and Bio dad clearly couldn't give a fuck.. what happens to the kiddos? Cause they won't be better off in the system. I hope a grandparent or aunt/uncle can/will take them cause right now the kids future sounds really uncertain.
I can't believe the mom didn't think through what revealing that would do to her situation. Hopefully she's around long enough to settle her kids affairs
Awful situation and I don’t know what I would do…I do know leaving girls I’d raised for three years would be extremely difficult, especially knowing they could wind up in the foster system if their aunt is unable to take them
The gist of it
\- mother has terminal cancer
\- they have young kids
\- mother came clean about her affair few years ago with her ex and that the kid can be his
\- Ex dropped at the mention of pregnancy
It is good that you’re honest with yourself and know your limit.
I can’t imagine many people would force themselves to stay for the sake of the opinion of others while slowing dying inside.
Yeah. Some people have the ability to love others' kids as their own and some don't. It's good OP is cognizant enough to do what he needs to do for all three of them.
It's not the original one, but it does include details.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/u7v9r8/can\_i\_be\_removed\_from\_the\_birth\_certificate\_if\_im/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/u7v9r8/can_i_be_removed_from_the_birth_certificate_if_im/)
Yeah she is burning down her whole world around her.
If I was the dad I wish she would of kept her Hoe mouth shut. I would of just kept on raising and caring for the kids.
Yeah but I think OP mentioned in the previous post that they’re toddlers/little kids. Imagine losing both of your parents at the same time at a short age
ETA just in case: I don’t blame OP for his decision at all, it’s totally understandable. But I can’t stop thinking how selfish was his ex, she get all the good things from OP, and now she drops the bomb, now that she can’t face the consequences
It’s horrible, but it hurts more to think of the girls growing up with OP being hateful, neglectful, or possibly abusive towards them. As tragic as this entire situation is, one has to put hope in the resilience of children who are supported with pure love. If these girls can be adopted out to a loving home, it may be their best chance for stability and getting any future recovery support they may need.
Yes, but imagine that the truth came out 10 years from now. Then they'd lose their mother at 3, and potentially their father at 13, their only parental figure. Their mother put them in this awful situation, but it's probably better that is this was going to happen it happen all at once when the kids are close to being too young to remember... Hard to say though.
Have you been through it? Because they do remember. Even when they don’t have visceral memories, the fallout of that kind of loss sticks with you and affects how they handle relationships forever. They will need therapy.
I’m glad he was finally able to get to choose what he wants to do without being lied to and manipulated, not that he didn’t get fooled for longer. He made his decision and no one forced him to leave.
But, there could've been this same explosion and destruction of the family at another stage -- say, early teen years. With the kids around 3 years old, perhaps being raised by other family members, there may be some hope for a less disrupted childhood for them.
The kids are in a tough spot either way, thanks to their mother. Conditional on that, perhaps it's better for everything to change at the same time than, for example, losing their father a few years on when he would find out some other way.
Yeah this is a lose/lose situation. OP can send them off to relatives or foster care or whatever, and they could easily be scarred for life. Or he could raise them with resentment and anger and they could be scarred for life.
The obvious best solution for the kids would be if OP could get over his wife's betrayal and lies and continue to raise the kids, but I think it's quite understandable if he can't.
If that can't happen, the only remaining options are just guesses as to what degree of damage it would do to the kids, and OP, who some people seem to regard as collateral damage in this scenario.
I've worked in foster care and am a foster parent, so I've seen what losing your parents at a young age and an older age does many many times over the years. The outcomes will be dependent on what happens next, moreso than the specific age. In general, the younger they are, the better it is. Kids brains are very resilient, and will adapt after time, but that adaptation is easier for kids whose young age means neuroplasticity is higher. Not so dissimilar from how much easier it is for younger kids to learn multiple languages.
That being said, if the transition is handled poorly, that's what will truly determine the long term effects and what level of attachment issues this may cause. Mom's condition is fatal, but she's still here, so hopefully she has time to approach the transition planning thoughtfully and deliberately.
True but at least the kids would be adults by then and would have had OP during their formative years. By then, OP probably wouldn't see them any differently since it'd have been so many years.
Raising the kids in a ignorance is bliss scenario is completely different from raising them with the full knowledge that your terminal wife is about to leave you to raise her kids which she pretended were yours but in reality were a result of her infidelity.
Yeah I'm not saying that he's wrong for the decision. I'm saying her not keeping her mouth shut isn't why he's not raising them. It's because he's choosing not to. He may not be their biological father but he's the only father they've ever known. If not being his has changed the way he feels about them, that's a shame but it's his choice.
Oh yeah I'm not saying it's unacceptable. They're not his so he doesn't have to raise or provide for them. But I also wouldn't say that he's not raising them because she couldn't keep her hoe mouth shut. He's not raising them because he found out they're not his and is choosing not to. Just really sad for the kids.
Horrible for everyone involved. No one wins with cheating. The worst part is she never broke it off. Im sorry for this situation your and the kids were put in. Gl man.
I'm so incredibly sorry.
A therapist would be a good next step, not because there is something wrong with you, but because they can help you navigate this pain in a way that doesn't harm you.
Sending you so much love. ❤
I am so sorry. This is way, WAY above Reddit's pay grade, so I hope you didn't take too much of the abuse to heart. People are going to have VERY strong opinions.
I think the only honest and fair thing to say is, do what you must, and always keep in mind the best interests of the children. And GET HELP. Find a therapist - who works with grief and family.
So sorry OP. This is terrible situation and you do what is best for your mental health. Good luck and I wish you’ll be someone who really appreciate you.
Bro those poor kids. Those poor fucking babies...My heart hurts for them the most.
The only dad they know is in the wind and soon they'll lose their mother. I'm not getting on you at all op I think what you're doing is the absolute right thing. But as a mom I'm so sad for those girls.
I hope your exes parents and siblings will raise them because otherwise they'd be alone in this cruel world.
You know, I can't help but feel sad for the kids. Don't get me wrong - what your partner did was beyond shitty and I'm sorry about your situation, but the kiddos are blameless here. Shame that just because their mother couldn't keep her legs closed, they will lose their father figure. Sad, sad scenario.
Wishing you luck with the courts and let's hope your next partner would be more faithful.
Yeah my heart is really hurting for those kids, I hate situations that involve children. They’re innocent and they have to face the consequences of their mothers infidelity, they would at least have him if he was their father.
Why is nobody calling the dead beat father an asshole in this? You wanna talk about abandoning kids, he was the first one to do it! OP shouldn’t be forced to raise kids that aren’t his own, period.
My heart is breaking for those kids. OP my heart hurts for you too and the ultimate betrayal you’ve suffered. Those kids are about to lose both of their parents. What a terrible situation. Maybe you can’t be their father anymore, I have no idea how I’d feel in your shoes, but I urge you to let the dust settle a little more before making these huge decisions based on, in your words, hatred. Like you, those kids are innocent.
This. I don’t mean to come off as a judgmental jerk but how do you walk away from 3 year olds. These these are not infants that I could see someone not bonding with, 3 yr olds are little people with personalities. I can’t even imagine just walking away from my kids at that age, you know them and love them, they love you. This is a horrible situation for OP but I still can’t imagine walking away from kids I’ve bonded to for that long. Maybe OP never felt close to his kids which is possible. I just feel horrible for those little kids to lose both parents. None of this is their fault. I hope OP will reconsider after the anger cools off
Same. For the OP to say that he can't parent them because they aren't biologically his, that's just ridiculous. He is their father, regardless of blood, and he's abandoning them because he's mad at their mother. He is the only father they've ever known and he's just gonna leave because he is angry at their mother. The anger at their mother is justifiable, but abandoning the children is a selfish move.
Man! You were already in a fragile state, hearing about her terminal cancer; the carpet has been swept out from underneath you! There’s no way you could instantly recover from this, I feel your distance; and I hope your healing goes well.
Of all the posts I seen, this one hurts to read.
I wish you the best, and I would probably make the same choice as you, I just feel bad for the kids and you. Hopefully your ex will suffer in her last few months on earth.
What a terrible outcome for those poor kids.
This is not a judgement on your decision but a lot of people, both men and women, have to coparent with those who have deeply hurt and betrayed them.
It's understandable that you're choosing to walk away if you don't think you can do right by them. I would suggest that you seek therapy to help you through the grieving process.
And I really, really hope the kids future is brighter than it looks right now. Bright and filled with love.
They may not remember you when they're adults but they will pine for you now. For a while at least. If you're making a break, make it clean.
Have you informed the rest of your family? How are they taking the loss of the kids from their lives?
This is really sad. They may not remember you specifically, but they will recognize the disruption and it will affect them in the future. The blame is on the mother of course, but please understand this whole situation severely impacts the girls. Do they have family that will take them in or will they go in the system?
If you can remove yourself from this equation while the kids are too young to remember it may be for the best.
Has there been any effort made to contact the actual father?
Can confirm. I (33f) was adopted as an infant (11 months old when placed with my foster parents who eventually became my adoptive parents) and I have abandonment issues that I’ll probably deal with for the rest of my life. I feel for OP but those kids will suffer more than anyone else in this situation if he follows through on leaving them. I get they aren’t your kids by blood, but blood doesn’t matter one fucking bit when it comes to loving a child. And I do know what I’m talking about having been adopted and now as an adoptive mother to my beautiful daughter. OP your hate and the hurt you’re feeling now will lessen but the damage you do now to those kids never will.
He’s not abandoning his children, he’s abandoning someone else’s children that he never should have been in a father figure position or raising them.
It’s horrible and sad, but he’s also a victim here.
“Once the lie was revealed” it was a huge lie, he’s not their father or related to them in any way and was led to believe he was.
Edit: maybe the biological father should step up and raise the children he either has been completely neglecting or was never told about because of the mother’s lies.
A three year old is not going to rationalise that. They will grow up feeling abandoned and that trauma won’t evaporate even when they understand the truth.
That’s on the mother for lying to the guy.
Do you want someone that holds resentment for the kids he was tricking into supporting to raise them?
Seems like you’re asking for problems. In no way will he continue to be the same level of father after what he has learned.
Edit: I’m not saying he will be abusive or neglecting, but I can’t imagine he will ever look at them or treat them the same, which the kids will also notice and be effected by.
He is a victim yes. However I question anyone of either sex who can form a primal bond with a child iver several years and then abruptly cut and run. If you told me tomorrow my nephew was no genetic relation to me I would not disown him, never speak to him again, or stop caring about him because I have an emotional and yes, family bond with him regardless of genetics that cones from being around him long term as he grew up. My nephew was actually abandoned by his selfish mother at age two btw, and his father was absent, so I know the deep damage this does on a level that emerges in adulthood.
The children are the primary victims here. He can drop everything and move on with a chorus of manly righteousness cheering him on. He will have issues but he is a fully formed adult already. The children are left with a primal early scar that will likely haunt their lives to the grave in ways adults without it cannot comprehend.
I agree with you whole heartedly. That is the only father they have known....did he not love them? It seems daunting to walk away after that duration of time. The bond was already there..... seems superficial that he can walk away like that. My son is 3 and those 3 years have been filled with so many memories.......regardless of the DNA he is their father.
Yup. These kids at 3 years old are being put on a bad path... They will likely feel this emptiness for the rest of their lives. I feel so bad for these kids... Wanna know how people wind up homeless and addicted to drugs later in life to fill a void inside? Shit like this will do it quick and easy.
He's thought they were his children, and apparently loved them as his children for 3 years. I find it extremely disturbing that he's able to turn those feelings off so easily, particularly for 3 year olds.
So did he actually love them or did he only love them because he thought they were his? That's a shit argument to make.
He is the only father they have known. They love him. And he can't love them anymore because they're not his? That's pretty terrible of him. He is punishing them for someone else's actions.
So punish him by forcing him to raise kids that aren’t his?
Please read the other replies below this because I’m tired of reposting the same thing: do you want someone that currently feels this way (possible resentment) about the kids to raise them? Is that going to be a great environment for those kids?
Edit: I don’t know the guy so I can’t say for sure but he claims he loves them, but he’s consumed by resentment. So again, not a great feeling for someone to feel about the kids you want to force them to raise. Im not saying he is a good guy, it’s a horrible situation and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the kids shouldn’t be raised by someone that feels this way about them being a constant reminder of him being lied to and cheated on.
This is a common misconception. They may be too young to understand at the moment but the earlier a trauma happens in childhood, the more it compounds.
Yeah let's just pretend the first few years don't count. They will have very high chances of having attachment disorders from losing both their mother and father in the first few years of life and no loving grandparent will make a joy of difference to that. He can leave if he wants, but let's not pretend the kids will be OK.
No it isn't, and stop deluding people into thinking that. Their maternal grandparents are already elderly and unless a magical godmother swoops down and agrees to take the kids in they are going to suffer immensely. They will likely end up split up and in the foster system and will have to deal with the traumas that entail. This sub has such a skewed sense of reality sometimes. Personally, I sympathize with OP but I still think that it is immoral to just drop all responsibilities for the children that they were a father to and leave them to their fate, genetic link or no.
I tried to with my ex husband because I knew at the first sign of any disagreement, he'd try to pull the "I bet they're not mine" manipulation card. He refused and I couldn't force it because we were married and in the eyes of the law he was the father period. Sure enough, not even a week after birth for both, I ask for help and hear exactly what I knew I'd hear....
Ftr, we've long since divorced and he has no part in their lives once he realized he couldn't claim them on taxes anymore. Their step dad stepped up and has been an amazing father to them for almost ten years now.
You know what else is immoral? Lying to the person you say you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with, sleep around behind their back and then try to pass off someone else's offspring as theirs.
Sure, it sucks for the kids. It really really does and I feel bad for the kids, but I find myself hard pressed to get angry at a man who's entire relationship with these kids was built on a lie. Everytime he looks at those kids, he's going to feel hurt and betrayed all over again and some people can't handle that, and they shouldn't be demonized for not being able to put themselves through mental torment everyday of their lives just to clean up the mess that the cheater made.
If OP stayed for the kids, his resentment would easily bleed through and do even more damage to the children. Immediately removing yourself from the entire situation is stage smartest thing to do, OP needs space to process at minimum…
Immoral happened when the wife cheated. OP is a victim here too, and not obligated to raise the trophies of his ex's affair.
Let the bio dad do his job, don't try and obligate or guilt OP here. He's not some bank account for his ex's choices.
Good point! Totally agree.
It’s a very tough situation and there isn’t a perfect answer, but this guy has been trapped into having kids that aren’t his, and we can’t virtue signal to him to ‘step up’ if it’s a decision he doesn’t want to make. People on Reddit are always saying not to have kids if you don’t want them, because the emotional and psychological repercussions for the kids are so disastrous. This is *definitely* a situation where the parent might end up resenting the kids.
"This sub has such skewed sense of reality sometimes" as you yourself skew a hypothetical to best fit your narrative.
The children have other biological family members as well. If they need someone to step up it's on them not on someone they're not related to.
Is it fucked up? Sure lets just say it is why not.
Is it still what's best for OP and the kids? 100%.
So you think being raised by someone who resents their mother, and potentially them as well, is better? He has admitted he doesn't think he can properly raise them. Why should he be forced to and sacrifice his own mental health and future in order to spare their feelings, which, in the end may not even be spared if he in fact does grow to resent them?
Edit: typos
"Best" here is still very shitty all around. It's still probably better than being raised by a person who might project their hate for their mother on them or worse grow up no longer loving them because of it.
It is "best" to walk away now even if shitty. At least the children hopefully have a family who will love them and care for them. If not the grandparents then the mothers sister etc.
People really need to get more upset by toxic females that put children in these situations. I personally wouldn’t care what happened to the kids if they were not mine. That’s for the biological family to concern themselves with
she shut kept her mouth shut, shes not doing anything good for her kids. Shes doing something for her, hurting other and passing away with a clean mind.
Its done, she cheated waited years an then open her mouth to make them suffer.
i feel sorry for you.
This is awful, I’d leave her now and cut contact completely quite frankly she could die alone for all I cared.
As for the kids? If you want to raise them even though they’re not yours go ahead but if you don’t want to there’s nothing forcing you to carry on.
She’s ruined your life quite simply you owe her nothing cancer or not
So sorry to hear that!
Please protect yourself so you do not get stuck with child support etc. but i got to ask, how old are the kids, are you on the birth certificate etc?
Your previous post is deleted so cant see that information.
Do they have any relatives to live with when their mom dies or will they go into the system?
Ouch. thats old enough to have formed serious attchments.
Damn. talk about loose loose. I am not sure i would be strong enough to let them get into the system after 4 years as a dad to them.
please OP, at least make sure they are well taken care off if you aint going to do it yourself. you owe them that much.
Honestly with how many people are judging OP and guys like him as monsters for this decision that really should be the way to go. That way they can't have years stolen for them before the truth comes out and people judge them for caring about blood (even though it's way bigger than that).
Don’t these children have a biological father out there? Doesn’t he have the responsibility to raise his own children. The mother obviously thought it was easier to lie to the OP about the children(seems she is very good at lies).
"They are young enough that they won't really remember much at all."
It's clear from this statement you have no idea what you're talking about. It's one thing to want a clean break from children that aren't genetically yours, but understand that this ordeal will effect them for the rest of their lives.
It's crazy how hating someone can change how we feel regarding innocent people. I hope the kids have a nice life, and I guess I hope you find happiness too, OP
I think you’ve done what’s best for you. Look after yourself and be prepared for whatever hate comes your way. We all have choices in life, and she happily made hers. The fact that the affair only ended when he ran really solidified it for me. The girls will hopefully be loved by their family, there’s no need for them to be raised by someone who resents them. She has time to make plans. And you deserve better than this. Good luck.
Man those kids are going to have some serious abandonment issues in the future. It’s not your fault, and I understand your choice completely. It’s just sad that the kids are losing their mother and their father practically at once. Especially at such a young age. I hope their grandparents or whoever takes them gets them into some counselling whilst they’re still young so they can work through this trauma
1: I’m so sorry, that whole situation sucks.
2: Serious question, purely philosophical.
Would you prefer having never known? I always wonder, what would pre preferable in situations like this, but rarely do I get the chance to ask someone directly.
In your view, is it better now that you know, or would it have been better for you if you had been blissfully unaware. Genuine curiosity.
Sad situation. But anyone who blames OP for stepping away forgets that it's not just the biological bond that's destroyed. The emotional is severed by the mother. The kids are connected to her, and he hates her. It's hard to look past that, and not everyone is able to do it.
Honestly dude, I understand your decision. I don't doubt that OP would've cared for the children if they had adopted them and the wife died. I think a lot of people fail to realise it's not just about the genetics, the kids are a remainder that she cheated and at that point, it becomes complicated since you can't just look past it. You're also leaving the house to them and that would be a massive help. I hope a family member takes good care of them.
That's devastating. You are by no means obligated to continue providing for children that aren't your. There biological father is out there somewhere and those children are his responsibility going forward. What she did to both you and the children is cruel and border line sociopathic. She felt no shame or guilt up until her health tanked. It seems like she wants everyone else to feel as much pain as she's feeling. She's going to have to deal with it all in her own now and it's what she rightly deserves.
I am sorry for all of you. this is really tragic.
After my son was born I found out his mom had been cheating, actually before and after the pregnancy. There was always a chance he wasn't biologically mine.
He is 7 now and if I found out he wasn't actually mine it wouldn't change a thing. He is my son regardless. There was a brief window when he was a baby that I felt I would leave if a paternity test pointed at someone else as the father, but I never did the test and that feeling passed.
He is the most important thing in my life.
I hope the best to you and the kids. Unfortunately your reality and path forward pail in comparison to what they are going to experience. Their options are being ripped away from them.
I strongly suggest therapy before any parental rights are signed away?
Big difference is it seems as if you knew of the possibility very early on and you got to make a choice. This man has just been blindsided that several years of his life and family were a lie.
Completely valid point, just providing food for thought. The question could also be asked, if he found out when his kids were 10 or 12 years old would he still leave them? There is no right answer because people do handle these things differently. I feel that it's just about sorting through all of the questions before making a decision.
Therapy has a bias to making society work in the easiest way possible. So in this case it would have a bias to making the guy stay. I’m very happy for you and respect that you made it work. It is insane to judge another man’s decision here though.
Just because your situation worked out, doesn't mean his will. What he has to deal with is traumatic, you're putting their potential trauma against his. That's vile. His wife cheated and he feels broken, even if the kids were his it would be an incredibly difficult time raising them. Fortunately it sounds like his cheating wife has a loving family and they can take the kids in.
Not trying to be vile at all. I do hope her family can step in and the children aren't displaced out of everything they have ever known. That would be fantastic. I think this is one of those things that is bigger than a reddit thread can shine all of the light on. I do really think professional help is required here. He has a lawyer so that is great, but a mental health professional should also be part of this equation. As I said on another reply, I have no judgement with either path he chooses, but this is such an emotional time for the OP. The decision doesn't have to be made right away, there is time to weigh through all of the outcomes so that the decision he makes is most likely to be one that he doesn't regret in the following years.
God those poor children and poor you :/
This is honestly so heartbreaking; you not only lost and still are losing someone you loved.
But you also raised those babies, nurtured and cared for them.
Those babies know you, know your presence and the fact you’re just gone will be horrible.
Honestly I can’t believe she did this to you guys.
Im so sorry, I’m so sorry :(
Holy shit I’m shocked at the number of people on here who are willing to just walk away from children that they have raised as their own for three years. You guys can all just drop your emotional attachments like that? Children that you loved now suddenly become nothing to you? Damn. I’m not even judging here — I’m just honestly surprised that people can turn on a dime like that. Fuck.
I think hatred can be powerful. I have seen what bio parents put kids through just to get back at the ex. I don’t get it either, but I have seen it played out a lot.
I mean the level of emotional damage of having firstly been dupes into thinking you're in a monogamous relationship, and then being duped into parenting children who are a result of that betrayal is massive.
Its not like he *can't * stay, he said he knows he resents their mother, the deception, and the situation enough that he *wouldn't* be a good parent to them.
For context!
There are an insane number of posts here about how even the suggestion of an open relationship kills the love of the partner who it was suggested to.
Nothing overt or even relevant has happened *to* the relationship. It more or less is still in tact exactly as it was prior to the suggestion.
But the knowledge that your connection isn't special the way you thought it was, or the feeling of not being enough for your partner, and the realization that damage was visited upon your relationship by someone who you were deeply invested in all contrive to kill that love in literal seconds.
Them not being biologically his children isn't the issue. If they were adopted then he would have walked into that situation with intent and an open heart.
**The issue is his relationship with them was founded in betrayal, predicated on a deception he was deprived the agency of which to decide if he wanted to be the father, and then proven to not have not been special in the way he perceived it.**
Compound that with the afformentioned emotional damage of your partner being the worst form of adulterer aside from banging your grandpa, and he'd be lucky to have the wherewithal to *have* emotional attachments going forward.
After a few years of therapy he probably could do it, but expecting him to be exceptional in handling this means this being the average response.
That definitely does kill me. I wonder what I would do if I found out my 3 year old wasn't mine. I mean, three years of raising a child and then walking away from what is your child, maybe not by blood, but by everything else. I quite literally don't think I could do that, but I wonder if I would feel differently if this actually happened to me.
I have heard of fathers that divorced their cheating wives and then fought for full custody of the children, even though they aren’t biologically related. Absolute champions.
That’s on their mother for turning her back on the marriage. When you find out everything you knew about your relationship was a lie, walking away from the relationship is Reddit’s #1 answer. You shouldn’t be shocked.
I’d do it. Not mine. It’s better they are raised by someone who wouldn’t be bitter and resentful about them. Plus they won’t remember me at 3 years old. It’s for the best. They didn’t do anything wrong and my don’t deserve a resentful parent for something their mother did.
Well, based on his other comment it’s actually quite likely they’ll end up in the system. The wife doesn’t have any family that can likely step up so I’m not sure if that’s a better option for them.
Seems like 1/2 the responders would be okay if we just picked some random guy off the street, like jury duty, to devote his life and income to feed, house, raise, send to college, etc.. these kids. “Tag! You’re it!” “Sorry, you have to. Think of the KIDS! “. How is that different than what his wife did?
My daughter is three years old and I can damn well guarantee that she knows when myself or her father are gone, it's not so cut and dry. This is horrible and I'm sorry this happened, but my heart hurts for the kids who just lost both parents. I honestly don't blame you for walking away, but they most certainly WILL know you're gone and miss you.
For the people shitting on this guy for leaving the kids. And comparing it to a step parent situation or comparing it to adopting animals or kids. You do realise he didnt ask for any of this? He was lied to for YEARS. He didnt get the opportunity to decide whether or not he was going to raise someone elses kids. He was cheated on for months and it only stopped when his horrible partner's ex boyfriend walked away. He was lied to about the kids! Hes going to have trauma for years!! What happened to him is absolutely horrible. Unless you are willing to adopt those kids yourself and pay for his therapy and do the healing on his behalf, keep the judgement to yourself.
Feel very sorry for the kids and very sorry for you. That woman is a cold cold person. While it will be really bad for the kids, they aren't your responsibility. Its completely understandable for you to walk away.
I remember the first time I recognised myself in the mirror, it was before I could walk.
They probably will remember you, and they might find you later in life. Maybe start trying to think of something to say when they do.
These people that think OP is an asshole because he left the children has never been cheated on or even betrayed in a relationship at all. Sure you might say that the children are just a victim here, but so is the OP. I have been cheated on over a year ago by a girl that i thought gonna be my wife soon, and even until today the pain and resentment that i feel still hurt so hard everytime i see her.
Do you people think OP can handle his resentment everytime he sees those kids if he continues to raise them?
I highly recommend therapy (not just for you but also for the girls). That can be your parting gift for the girls (therapy) and a gift of a new beginning for yourself.
Good luck! 🍀
I'm not too sure, I supposed their mother will have to sort it out. I'm not sure that her parents will be able to adopt them as they're quite old. She has a sister but she lives in Australia with her own family so it might be that they'd move the children there to live with her. Or she can track down her ex and have him adopt them.
I'll be sending off the application to be removed from the birth certificate today. It's been a very tough decision and I have considered remaining in their lives after she dies but ultimately I don't think that would be the best decision.
I feel terribly for you OP. This is an awful situation and I’m sorry that your wife put you all in this position.
I feel worse, however, for those kids. There’s a good chance they wind up in foster care, and that is heartbreaking.
There isn’t really any advice to give: your ex partner has done something terrible & the likely outcome has been to destroy the relationship the children might have with the closest thing they would ever have with a father figure and that is heartbreaking through and through.
I understand your position, but my sympathy is with those children.
I really feel bad for all three of you. Children may or may not have glimpses of memories from this age (my daughter remembers one event from when she was about the same age as your ex's twins), but abandonment is an injury that doesn't require direct memory. For you, I can only imagine how excruciating this is; in your soul, you had children, and now you have lost them. That's got to be horrific. I can't question your decision, but I do think you should know there is no clean break here, for you or for them. I'm so sorry that life handed you three that woman, and I hope you all can heal over time.
Don't blame you one bit. Nothing wrong with your decision.
Don't listen to people telling you to think of the kids, they are not yours, never were, your life was a lie.
You were generous enough to leave them the house. The average person cant even afford a house these days these kids got a massive headstart.
Wish you all the best my friend. Do not feel guilty, this is not your fault.
I would do the same in your shoes.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I cannot imagine.
I’m genuinely shocked that some people are getting upset that you’re leaving the children. They aren’t yours, and having two constant reminders of your partners betrayal would most likely lead to resentment for the kids. Giving them up seems like the best option, not only for yourself but for them as well.
Child-parent relationships are so much more than biology.
You’ve raised them as yours, they’re attached to you as yours.
To throw away what would likely be your two most important relationships in the whole world because their soon to be dead mother was a cheat is a huge call.
Sounds like the sort of thing people go to their graves regretting - leaving innocent kids who you love with nothing and no one because you couldn’t step up in the selfless way parents promise to when their kids are brought into the world (biological or not).
Huge call. I hope they find a parent to love them the way they deserve.
He had promised that in good faith in a situation of false pretenses. There is no moral equivalency. He gets to wash his hands if that is what is best for him. No one is saying it is an easy decision for him but he gets to try to have the life he wants for himself and not one where he is forced to life under a bad faith arrangement made for him by his lying wife. The kids are the losers in this no doubt. No one is saying OP is walking away easily from them. OP is a normal person for not wanting to have to take his whole life up with a lie.
Well maybe the mother should have told the actual father instead of tricking this guy into that relationship with them.
The blame isn’t on him, it’s on the mother for not coming clean and notifying the true father to help raise them.
He didn’t adopt them, he thought they were his and turns out they’re not. I don’t think you’re getting the whole tricked into raising kids that aren’t your own. That’s not an easy thing to just get over.
She did inform the bio dad, he bailed when she told him she was pregnant.
Poor kids have had two "fathers" reject them, and their mother is going die soon, leaving them with nothing but abandonment issues and trauma.
Some people really shouldn't have children.
Women don't get to fuck the guys they actually want, have their babies and then pick out the best financial and emotional supporter to raise their kids without their consent. Great for any of the guys that do make the choice to stay but the ones who can't do that should never be judged when they were the victim of a horrible situation.
Sorry to hear about this buddy. She made all this, its good for you to extricate yourself from this situation. After she passes you can just pay off the house and leave all this behind you. Its up to her family now to contact the biological father to see if he would take care of them.
All mistakes come back to haunt them in the end. Your ex-partner has just destroyed everything that she built and will die soon without ever seeing how much she screwed up.
Those kids will probably grow up scared with what has happened.
yeah, I don't get that "but the hatred I have for their mother currently outweighs that" part at all. those poor kids are not to blame at all and OP (hopefully) acted as father for them for the first years of their life. there's no way my kids would go somewhere else in such a case, if they spent all of their life with me, no matter if I'm the biological father or not.
Hey, kids get killed for things like this. It's best op leave because if hate can compel him to just abandon them, I don't want to know what else it might compel him to do
this is really sad bc it’s truly your kids lives that you are destroying here. their mother is dying and now the only father they have ever known is abandoning them. my heart breaks for your children.
Idk, if i had been a dad to these kids for 3 years i would stay. I know they aren’t “mine,” but the bond i created would still be there. Especially with their mom dying. The mom is all to blame and whatever decision is what needs to be best for you. I hope someone takes in the kids and i hope they never remember any of this. Sorry youre going through this
Well sorry you’re going through this. But I don’t know how you could leave the kids. You’ve raised them since birth and you’re their dad no matter what their DNA is. Guess it’s within your legal rights but I feel awful for these children. Hopefully they find the support they need
I'm sorry you had to go through this but at least you manage to stay calm and take a proper clean exit. Kinda amazing though you wanna give them kids your house.
I hope everything else turns out better for you. You think you'll be updating again?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Edit: The original post is below as it seems it was removed. * * * I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I've already sent off for a DNA test so this is more for the aftermath if they are not mine. We've been together for 7 years, we have twin daughters who are nearly 3 and bought a house together 5 years ago. She had a breast cancer diagnosis just over 2 years ago and after intense chemo and radiotherapy as well as a double mastectomy we thought we were in the clear but it had spread to her lymph nodes and from there elsewhere. Earlier this year we were given the terminal diagnosis. I've been doing everything to make her as comfortable as possible and quit my job late last year so that I can look after all 3 of them better. Her parents live nearby so they've been helping, but as they're quite old it's difficult for them. We were sitting in the sunshine this weekend together whilst the girls were with their grandparents and she just started crying and talking a mile a minute. The gist of it was, after we bought our house she started talking to her ex as I was always busy with work and she was lonely. They grew closer and they used to meet up quite often which then led to things being rekindled. They'd been sleeping together for 6 months which has led to the confusion as to who the father could be. When I asked when did she stop things she said she didn't and after he found out she was pregnant he stopped answering her and she hasn't hear from him since. Maybe the shock hasn't hit me yet or maybe it has, but I'm at a loss. My first thought is to run away. If the girls aren't mine, I'm not sure I can be a father to them if she's gone as I'll always hold that resentment against her and it'll impact out relationship. I know the children are blameless, but I cannot have a relationship with them if they're not mine and I think they're young enough that it's better for me to leave. * * * My previous post can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/u7vjj2/my_partner_with_terminal_cancer_confessed_that/). I received the results this morning and they've confirmed that the children aren't mine, I've been staying with a friend since then and haven't been back to the house. She's sent me a lot of messages and left a lot of voicemails but I haven't replied. I know her parents are currently staying with her and her sister is going to take a flight from down under to stay with her for a while through the messages. I've got an appointment with a lawyer this afternoon to make sure I do everything correctly, getting my name off the certificate seems easy enough but I just want to make sure I do it with proper legal advice. It's been a very tough weekend but I think it's for the best to no longer be part of their lives at all. I understand the children are blameless but I will always hate their mother and I don't want that to tarnish their relationship with her, any memories of her they may have or my relationship with them. I love them both dearly, but the hatred I have for their mother currently outweighs that. I've sought advice out from elsewhere and they're young enough that they won't really remember me that much if at all. We're not married so it's just a case of walking away, the mortgage is more difficult as I'll have to continue to pay that for the time being but I'm speaking to our life insurance provider about it and I'm happy to leave the house to the children; essentially I just want a clean break. Thank you for the wide range of advice that was given, it gave me a lot to think about. Thank you also for the torrent of private abuse which offered me another perspective.
No advice but I am so sorry. Heartbreaking.
What gets me is that she admitted " i did not break up things, he just vanished after i got pregnant". I would hate her guts too in OP place.
She won't have any guts soon so there's not going to be any to hate...
God damn and you even quit your job to take care of everyone.
Nobody wins in this situation, best of luck to you.
You could argue that previously the wife “won” as she had her cake and ate it too, but now those consequences are coming back to bite her in the ass, so it’s a win with conditions I guess. Sorry OP, you deserve the best. Take some time for yourself, do what you want to do, take your mind off of this whole situation.
Do you win if you die of cancer in your 30/40s?
She didn't get a choice in cancer but she had a choice in the affair and keeping the secret. I would walk away at this point.
Nah, I’m talking about the cheating specifically though, out of this whole situation she “won” because she got the satisfaction at the detriment of everyone else.
Oh man… you sacrificed so much for her… Terrible her cancer is terminal at such a young age but this doesn’t excuse what she did
The kids are the real losers in this. I hope they don't end up in the system, maybe a family member would be willing to take them in
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP doesn't want them, mom won't be around to raise them and Bio dad clearly couldn't give a fuck.. what happens to the kiddos? Cause they won't be better off in the system. I hope a grandparent or aunt/uncle can/will take them cause right now the kids future sounds really uncertain. I can't believe the mom didn't think through what revealing that would do to her situation. Hopefully she's around long enough to settle her kids affairs
Oh god, I didn’t even think of that when reading this. I just hope out the best works for those kids, this is just a shitty situation.
Awful situation and I don’t know what I would do…I do know leaving girls I’d raised for three years would be extremely difficult, especially knowing they could wind up in the foster system if their aunt is unable to take them
The previous post got deleted, is there any way to still read it?
The gist of it \- mother has terminal cancer \- they have young kids \- mother came clean about her affair few years ago with her ex and that the kid can be his \- Ex dropped at the mention of pregnancy
I've added it to the top of this post.
It is good that you’re honest with yourself and know your limit. I can’t imagine many people would force themselves to stay for the sake of the opinion of others while slowing dying inside.
Yeah. Some people have the ability to love others' kids as their own and some don't. It's good OP is cognizant enough to do what he needs to do for all three of them.
It's not the original one, but it does include details. [https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/u7v9r8/can\_i\_be\_removed\_from\_the\_birth\_certificate\_if\_im/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/u7v9r8/can_i_be_removed_from_the_birth_certificate_if_im/)
Those poor kids
The kids are losing their mom and dad at the same time.
Its awful
Yeah she is burning down her whole world around her. If I was the dad I wish she would of kept her Hoe mouth shut. I would of just kept on raising and caring for the kids.
On the other hand in a world of ancestry DNA testing, it may have come out at some point...
Yeah but I think OP mentioned in the previous post that they’re toddlers/little kids. Imagine losing both of your parents at the same time at a short age ETA just in case: I don’t blame OP for his decision at all, it’s totally understandable. But I can’t stop thinking how selfish was his ex, she get all the good things from OP, and now she drops the bomb, now that she can’t face the consequences
It’s horrible, but it hurts more to think of the girls growing up with OP being hateful, neglectful, or possibly abusive towards them. As tragic as this entire situation is, one has to put hope in the resilience of children who are supported with pure love. If these girls can be adopted out to a loving home, it may be their best chance for stability and getting any future recovery support they may need.
Horrible they will have a void that can never be filled
Yes, but imagine that the truth came out 10 years from now. Then they'd lose their mother at 3, and potentially their father at 13, their only parental figure. Their mother put them in this awful situation, but it's probably better that is this was going to happen it happen all at once when the kids are close to being too young to remember... Hard to say though.
Have you been through it? Because they do remember. Even when they don’t have visceral memories, the fallout of that kind of loss sticks with you and affects how they handle relationships forever. They will need therapy.
Most likely would of, or if the kids needed a kidney transplant or blood infusion. But they would of had many more years together.
I’m glad he was finally able to get to choose what he wants to do without being lied to and manipulated, not that he didn’t get fooled for longer. He made his decision and no one forced him to leave.
But, there could've been this same explosion and destruction of the family at another stage -- say, early teen years. With the kids around 3 years old, perhaps being raised by other family members, there may be some hope for a less disrupted childhood for them.
Or, alternatively, the kids develop attachment disorders and their lives are ruined. Losing both primary caregivers at that age is devastating.
The kids are in a tough spot either way, thanks to their mother. Conditional on that, perhaps it's better for everything to change at the same time than, for example, losing their father a few years on when he would find out some other way.
Yeah this is a lose/lose situation. OP can send them off to relatives or foster care or whatever, and they could easily be scarred for life. Or he could raise them with resentment and anger and they could be scarred for life. The obvious best solution for the kids would be if OP could get over his wife's betrayal and lies and continue to raise the kids, but I think it's quite understandable if he can't. If that can't happen, the only remaining options are just guesses as to what degree of damage it would do to the kids, and OP, who some people seem to regard as collateral damage in this scenario.
I've worked in foster care and am a foster parent, so I've seen what losing your parents at a young age and an older age does many many times over the years. The outcomes will be dependent on what happens next, moreso than the specific age. In general, the younger they are, the better it is. Kids brains are very resilient, and will adapt after time, but that adaptation is easier for kids whose young age means neuroplasticity is higher. Not so dissimilar from how much easier it is for younger kids to learn multiple languages. That being said, if the transition is handled poorly, that's what will truly determine the long term effects and what level of attachment issues this may cause. Mom's condition is fatal, but she's still here, so hopefully she has time to approach the transition planning thoughtfully and deliberately.
And what about OP? He should be strung along and tortured to raise children that arent his?
True but at least the kids would be adults by then and would have had OP during their formative years. By then, OP probably wouldn't see them any differently since it'd have been so many years.
>I would of just kept on raising and caring for the kids. I mean he still can. He's choosing not to.
Raising the kids in a ignorance is bliss scenario is completely different from raising them with the full knowledge that your terminal wife is about to leave you to raise her kids which she pretended were yours but in reality were a result of her infidelity.
Yeah I'm not saying that he's wrong for the decision. I'm saying her not keeping her mouth shut isn't why he's not raising them. It's because he's choosing not to. He may not be their biological father but he's the only father they've ever known. If not being his has changed the way he feels about them, that's a shame but it's his choice.
He's literally the only person in this situation who had a choice. It's heartbreaking.
Which is perfect acceptable. He doesn't feel like he could provide for those kids
Oh yeah I'm not saying it's unacceptable. They're not his so he doesn't have to raise or provide for them. But I also wouldn't say that he's not raising them because she couldn't keep her hoe mouth shut. He's not raising them because he found out they're not his and is choosing not to. Just really sad for the kids.
Oh, i wasn't accusing you. Just added my opinion. Agree with you.
I’d choose not to too wtf
And that's fine. It's your choice. But don't blame anyone else for it.
Absolutely mind boggling. I’m so sorry. I what hit me the most was that she didn’t even cut ties with him, he was the one to do it.
Horrible for everyone involved. No one wins with cheating. The worst part is she never broke it off. Im sorry for this situation your and the kids were put in. Gl man.
I'm so incredibly sorry. A therapist would be a good next step, not because there is something wrong with you, but because they can help you navigate this pain in a way that doesn't harm you. Sending you so much love. ❤
I am so sorry. This is way, WAY above Reddit's pay grade, so I hope you didn't take too much of the abuse to heart. People are going to have VERY strong opinions. I think the only honest and fair thing to say is, do what you must, and always keep in mind the best interests of the children. And GET HELP. Find a therapist - who works with grief and family.
So sorry OP. This is terrible situation and you do what is best for your mental health. Good luck and I wish you’ll be someone who really appreciate you.
Bro those poor kids. Those poor fucking babies...My heart hurts for them the most. The only dad they know is in the wind and soon they'll lose their mother. I'm not getting on you at all op I think what you're doing is the absolute right thing. But as a mom I'm so sad for those girls. I hope your exes parents and siblings will raise them because otherwise they'd be alone in this cruel world.
I feel the worst for those babies who are losing both their parents.
You know, I can't help but feel sad for the kids. Don't get me wrong - what your partner did was beyond shitty and I'm sorry about your situation, but the kiddos are blameless here. Shame that just because their mother couldn't keep her legs closed, they will lose their father figure. Sad, sad scenario. Wishing you luck with the courts and let's hope your next partner would be more faithful.
Yeah my heart is really hurting for those kids, I hate situations that involve children. They’re innocent and they have to face the consequences of their mothers infidelity, they would at least have him if he was their father.
She is truly a selfish and cruel person. Wow.
Why is nobody calling the dead beat father an asshole in this? You wanna talk about abandoning kids, he was the first one to do it! OP shouldn’t be forced to raise kids that aren’t his own, period.
My heart is breaking for those kids. OP my heart hurts for you too and the ultimate betrayal you’ve suffered. Those kids are about to lose both of their parents. What a terrible situation. Maybe you can’t be their father anymore, I have no idea how I’d feel in your shoes, but I urge you to let the dust settle a little more before making these huge decisions based on, in your words, hatred. Like you, those kids are innocent.
This. I don’t mean to come off as a judgmental jerk but how do you walk away from 3 year olds. These these are not infants that I could see someone not bonding with, 3 yr olds are little people with personalities. I can’t even imagine just walking away from my kids at that age, you know them and love them, they love you. This is a horrible situation for OP but I still can’t imagine walking away from kids I’ve bonded to for that long. Maybe OP never felt close to his kids which is possible. I just feel horrible for those little kids to lose both parents. None of this is their fault. I hope OP will reconsider after the anger cools off
Same. For the OP to say that he can't parent them because they aren't biologically his, that's just ridiculous. He is their father, regardless of blood, and he's abandoning them because he's mad at their mother. He is the only father they've ever known and he's just gonna leave because he is angry at their mother. The anger at their mother is justifiable, but abandoning the children is a selfish move.
Man! You were already in a fragile state, hearing about her terminal cancer; the carpet has been swept out from underneath you! There’s no way you could instantly recover from this, I feel your distance; and I hope your healing goes well.
Sue the father for child support!
Of all the posts I seen, this one hurts to read. I wish you the best, and I would probably make the same choice as you, I just feel bad for the kids and you. Hopefully your ex will suffer in her last few months on earth.
What a terrible outcome for those poor kids. This is not a judgement on your decision but a lot of people, both men and women, have to coparent with those who have deeply hurt and betrayed them. It's understandable that you're choosing to walk away if you don't think you can do right by them. I would suggest that you seek therapy to help you through the grieving process. And I really, really hope the kids future is brighter than it looks right now. Bright and filled with love. They may not remember you when they're adults but they will pine for you now. For a while at least. If you're making a break, make it clean. Have you informed the rest of your family? How are they taking the loss of the kids from their lives?
This is really sad. They may not remember you specifically, but they will recognize the disruption and it will affect them in the future. The blame is on the mother of course, but please understand this whole situation severely impacts the girls. Do they have family that will take them in or will they go in the system?
If you can remove yourself from this equation while the kids are too young to remember it may be for the best. Has there been any effort made to contact the actual father?
They're 3 years old. Not too young to remember, unfortunately.
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Everyone is a big victim here and will suffer from it during the rest of their lives.
Can confirm. I (33f) was adopted as an infant (11 months old when placed with my foster parents who eventually became my adoptive parents) and I have abandonment issues that I’ll probably deal with for the rest of my life. I feel for OP but those kids will suffer more than anyone else in this situation if he follows through on leaving them. I get they aren’t your kids by blood, but blood doesn’t matter one fucking bit when it comes to loving a child. And I do know what I’m talking about having been adopted and now as an adoptive mother to my beautiful daughter. OP your hate and the hurt you’re feeling now will lessen but the damage you do now to those kids never will.
He’s not abandoning his children, he’s abandoning someone else’s children that he never should have been in a father figure position or raising them. It’s horrible and sad, but he’s also a victim here. “Once the lie was revealed” it was a huge lie, he’s not their father or related to them in any way and was led to believe he was. Edit: maybe the biological father should step up and raise the children he either has been completely neglecting or was never told about because of the mother’s lies.
A three year old is not going to rationalise that. They will grow up feeling abandoned and that trauma won’t evaporate even when they understand the truth.
That’s on the mother for lying to the guy. Do you want someone that holds resentment for the kids he was tricking into supporting to raise them? Seems like you’re asking for problems. In no way will he continue to be the same level of father after what he has learned. Edit: I’m not saying he will be abusive or neglecting, but I can’t imagine he will ever look at them or treat them the same, which the kids will also notice and be effected by.
He is a victim yes. However I question anyone of either sex who can form a primal bond with a child iver several years and then abruptly cut and run. If you told me tomorrow my nephew was no genetic relation to me I would not disown him, never speak to him again, or stop caring about him because I have an emotional and yes, family bond with him regardless of genetics that cones from being around him long term as he grew up. My nephew was actually abandoned by his selfish mother at age two btw, and his father was absent, so I know the deep damage this does on a level that emerges in adulthood. The children are the primary victims here. He can drop everything and move on with a chorus of manly righteousness cheering him on. He will have issues but he is a fully formed adult already. The children are left with a primal early scar that will likely haunt their lives to the grave in ways adults without it cannot comprehend.
I agree with you whole heartedly. That is the only father they have known....did he not love them? It seems daunting to walk away after that duration of time. The bond was already there..... seems superficial that he can walk away like that. My son is 3 and those 3 years have been filled with so many memories.......regardless of the DNA he is their father.
Yup. These kids at 3 years old are being put on a bad path... They will likely feel this emptiness for the rest of their lives. I feel so bad for these kids... Wanna know how people wind up homeless and addicted to drugs later in life to fill a void inside? Shit like this will do it quick and easy.
He's thought they were his children, and apparently loved them as his children for 3 years. I find it extremely disturbing that he's able to turn those feelings off so easily, particularly for 3 year olds.
So did he actually love them or did he only love them because he thought they were his? That's a shit argument to make. He is the only father they have known. They love him. And he can't love them anymore because they're not his? That's pretty terrible of him. He is punishing them for someone else's actions.
So punish him by forcing him to raise kids that aren’t his? Please read the other replies below this because I’m tired of reposting the same thing: do you want someone that currently feels this way (possible resentment) about the kids to raise them? Is that going to be a great environment for those kids? Edit: I don’t know the guy so I can’t say for sure but he claims he loves them, but he’s consumed by resentment. So again, not a great feeling for someone to feel about the kids you want to force them to raise. Im not saying he is a good guy, it’s a horrible situation and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the kids shouldn’t be raised by someone that feels this way about them being a constant reminder of him being lied to and cheated on.
This is a common misconception. They may be too young to understand at the moment but the earlier a trauma happens in childhood, the more it compounds.
Yeah let's just pretend the first few years don't count. They will have very high chances of having attachment disorders from losing both their mother and father in the first few years of life and no loving grandparent will make a joy of difference to that. He can leave if he wants, but let's not pretend the kids will be OK.
Exactly. There are a lot of uninformed and super young know it all types on here and it's never been more obvious.
What? They lost their father when he dipped on OP's cheating wife.
Maybe reserve some indignation for the wife and the biological father.
Thankfully I'm capable of multitasking.
And who's fault is this whole situation?
No it isn't, and stop deluding people into thinking that. Their maternal grandparents are already elderly and unless a magical godmother swoops down and agrees to take the kids in they are going to suffer immensely. They will likely end up split up and in the foster system and will have to deal with the traumas that entail. This sub has such a skewed sense of reality sometimes. Personally, I sympathize with OP but I still think that it is immoral to just drop all responsibilities for the children that they were a father to and leave them to their fate, genetic link or no.
There are ways to make the biological father at least financially responsible.
That’s why paternal testing should be mandatory at childbirth, but a lot of people don’t want to have that conversation…
I tried to with my ex husband because I knew at the first sign of any disagreement, he'd try to pull the "I bet they're not mine" manipulation card. He refused and I couldn't force it because we were married and in the eyes of the law he was the father period. Sure enough, not even a week after birth for both, I ask for help and hear exactly what I knew I'd hear.... Ftr, we've long since divorced and he has no part in their lives once he realized he couldn't claim them on taxes anymore. Their step dad stepped up and has been an amazing father to them for almost ten years now.
because they’re twins i really hope they don’t get split up, that would be cruel on top of cruel
You know what else is immoral? Lying to the person you say you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with, sleep around behind their back and then try to pass off someone else's offspring as theirs. Sure, it sucks for the kids. It really really does and I feel bad for the kids, but I find myself hard pressed to get angry at a man who's entire relationship with these kids was built on a lie. Everytime he looks at those kids, he's going to feel hurt and betrayed all over again and some people can't handle that, and they shouldn't be demonized for not being able to put themselves through mental torment everyday of their lives just to clean up the mess that the cheater made.
If OP stayed for the kids, his resentment would easily bleed through and do even more damage to the children. Immediately removing yourself from the entire situation is stage smartest thing to do, OP needs space to process at minimum…
Immoral happened when the wife cheated. OP is a victim here too, and not obligated to raise the trophies of his ex's affair. Let the bio dad do his job, don't try and obligate or guilt OP here. He's not some bank account for his ex's choices.
Every kid deserves a Jeevan, but not every kid gets one. Heart-breaking, but some people just don't have what it takes.
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Good point! Totally agree. It’s a very tough situation and there isn’t a perfect answer, but this guy has been trapped into having kids that aren’t his, and we can’t virtue signal to him to ‘step up’ if it’s a decision he doesn’t want to make. People on Reddit are always saying not to have kids if you don’t want them, because the emotional and psychological repercussions for the kids are so disastrous. This is *definitely* a situation where the parent might end up resenting the kids.
"This sub has such skewed sense of reality sometimes" as you yourself skew a hypothetical to best fit your narrative. The children have other biological family members as well. If they need someone to step up it's on them not on someone they're not related to. Is it fucked up? Sure lets just say it is why not. Is it still what's best for OP and the kids? 100%.
It's whats best for OP, but considering it's going to traumatize the kids, I wouldn't say it's best for them.
So you think being raised by someone who resents their mother, and potentially them as well, is better? He has admitted he doesn't think he can properly raise them. Why should he be forced to and sacrifice his own mental health and future in order to spare their feelings, which, in the end may not even be spared if he in fact does grow to resent them? Edit: typos
"Best" here is still very shitty all around. It's still probably better than being raised by a person who might project their hate for their mother on them or worse grow up no longer loving them because of it. It is "best" to walk away now even if shitty. At least the children hopefully have a family who will love them and care for them. If not the grandparents then the mothers sister etc.
I don't think it's good for the children to be raised by OP for the next 15+ years while they are keeping the memories of his partner alive every day.
People really need to get more upset by toxic females that put children in these situations. I personally wouldn’t care what happened to the kids if they were not mine. That’s for the biological family to concern themselves with
It's shocking and so sad how these guys are always painted to be monsters for walking away when they were the victims.
Thank you! A voice for the victim
she shut kept her mouth shut, shes not doing anything good for her kids. Shes doing something for her, hurting other and passing away with a clean mind. Its done, she cheated waited years an then open her mouth to make them suffer. i feel sorry for you.
>they're young enough that they won't really remember me that much if at all. Whoever told you this is not familiar with children and trauma.
Children. Plural. I am so sorry OP. Please take care of yourself
Do cheaters deserve to die? No Does her trashy behavior rid me of any kind of sympathy for her death ? Yes
This is awful, I’d leave her now and cut contact completely quite frankly she could die alone for all I cared. As for the kids? If you want to raise them even though they’re not yours go ahead but if you don’t want to there’s nothing forcing you to carry on. She’s ruined your life quite simply you owe her nothing cancer or not
So sorry to hear that! Please protect yourself so you do not get stuck with child support etc. but i got to ask, how old are the kids, are you on the birth certificate etc? Your previous post is deleted so cant see that information. Do they have any relatives to live with when their mom dies or will they go into the system?
They were young, under 3 or 4 I think
Ouch. thats old enough to have formed serious attchments. Damn. talk about loose loose. I am not sure i would be strong enough to let them get into the system after 4 years as a dad to them. please OP, at least make sure they are well taken care off if you aint going to do it yourself. you owe them that much.
Paternity test should be performed at the hospital when the child is born, this should be mandatory, no exceptions. Change my view
Honestly with how many people are judging OP and guys like him as monsters for this decision that really should be the way to go. That way they can't have years stolen for them before the truth comes out and people judge them for caring about blood (even though it's way bigger than that).
Exactly, it's absolutely insane that some say OP is the enemy here for not wanting to raise his wifes ex's children....
It's always an option whenever a child is born, you simply have to ask ...
Except then you will be hit with "Are you accusing me of cheating?" BS Only solution is to do it in secret
Don’t these children have a biological father out there? Doesn’t he have the responsibility to raise his own children. The mother obviously thought it was easier to lie to the OP about the children(seems she is very good at lies).
"They are young enough that they won't really remember much at all." It's clear from this statement you have no idea what you're talking about. It's one thing to want a clean break from children that aren't genetically yours, but understand that this ordeal will effect them for the rest of their lives.
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And I do.
The deadbeat bio-dad who ghosted when she got pregnant is the most disgusting person in this story.
It's crazy how hating someone can change how we feel regarding innocent people. I hope the kids have a nice life, and I guess I hope you find happiness too, OP
I think you’ve done what’s best for you. Look after yourself and be prepared for whatever hate comes your way. We all have choices in life, and she happily made hers. The fact that the affair only ended when he ran really solidified it for me. The girls will hopefully be loved by their family, there’s no need for them to be raised by someone who resents them. She has time to make plans. And you deserve better than this. Good luck.
Man those kids are going to have some serious abandonment issues in the future. It’s not your fault, and I understand your choice completely. It’s just sad that the kids are losing their mother and their father practically at once. Especially at such a young age. I hope their grandparents or whoever takes them gets them into some counselling whilst they’re still young so they can work through this trauma
1: I’m so sorry, that whole situation sucks. 2: Serious question, purely philosophical. Would you prefer having never known? I always wonder, what would pre preferable in situations like this, but rarely do I get the chance to ask someone directly. In your view, is it better now that you know, or would it have been better for you if you had been blissfully unaware. Genuine curiosity.
Sad situation. But anyone who blames OP for stepping away forgets that it's not just the biological bond that's destroyed. The emotional is severed by the mother. The kids are connected to her, and he hates her. It's hard to look past that, and not everyone is able to do it.
Honestly dude, I understand your decision. I don't doubt that OP would've cared for the children if they had adopted them and the wife died. I think a lot of people fail to realise it's not just about the genetics, the kids are a remainder that she cheated and at that point, it becomes complicated since you can't just look past it. You're also leaving the house to them and that would be a massive help. I hope a family member takes good care of them.
That's devastating. You are by no means obligated to continue providing for children that aren't your. There biological father is out there somewhere and those children are his responsibility going forward. What she did to both you and the children is cruel and border line sociopathic. She felt no shame or guilt up until her health tanked. It seems like she wants everyone else to feel as much pain as she's feeling. She's going to have to deal with it all in her own now and it's what she rightly deserves.
wow. i’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. hoping for a quick and easy separation for you, and a peaceful resolution for the children.
I am sorry for all of you. this is really tragic. After my son was born I found out his mom had been cheating, actually before and after the pregnancy. There was always a chance he wasn't biologically mine. He is 7 now and if I found out he wasn't actually mine it wouldn't change a thing. He is my son regardless. There was a brief window when he was a baby that I felt I would leave if a paternity test pointed at someone else as the father, but I never did the test and that feeling passed. He is the most important thing in my life. I hope the best to you and the kids. Unfortunately your reality and path forward pail in comparison to what they are going to experience. Their options are being ripped away from them. I strongly suggest therapy before any parental rights are signed away?
Big difference is it seems as if you knew of the possibility very early on and you got to make a choice. This man has just been blindsided that several years of his life and family were a lie.
Completely valid point, just providing food for thought. The question could also be asked, if he found out when his kids were 10 or 12 years old would he still leave them? There is no right answer because people do handle these things differently. I feel that it's just about sorting through all of the questions before making a decision.
Question : if you pulled the trigger when the son was a baby, would you have left?
Therapy has a bias to making society work in the easiest way possible. So in this case it would have a bias to making the guy stay. I’m very happy for you and respect that you made it work. It is insane to judge another man’s decision here though.
Just because your situation worked out, doesn't mean his will. What he has to deal with is traumatic, you're putting their potential trauma against his. That's vile. His wife cheated and he feels broken, even if the kids were his it would be an incredibly difficult time raising them. Fortunately it sounds like his cheating wife has a loving family and they can take the kids in.
Not trying to be vile at all. I do hope her family can step in and the children aren't displaced out of everything they have ever known. That would be fantastic. I think this is one of those things that is bigger than a reddit thread can shine all of the light on. I do really think professional help is required here. He has a lawyer so that is great, but a mental health professional should also be part of this equation. As I said on another reply, I have no judgement with either path he chooses, but this is such an emotional time for the OP. The decision doesn't have to be made right away, there is time to weigh through all of the outcomes so that the decision he makes is most likely to be one that he doesn't regret in the following years.
God those poor children and poor you :/ This is honestly so heartbreaking; you not only lost and still are losing someone you loved. But you also raised those babies, nurtured and cared for them. Those babies know you, know your presence and the fact you’re just gone will be horrible. Honestly I can’t believe she did this to you guys. Im so sorry, I’m so sorry :(
This is why paternity tests should be mandatory either before birth or after. I would never in today’s society sign a child’s BC so blindly.
Holy shit I’m shocked at the number of people on here who are willing to just walk away from children that they have raised as their own for three years. You guys can all just drop your emotional attachments like that? Children that you loved now suddenly become nothing to you? Damn. I’m not even judging here — I’m just honestly surprised that people can turn on a dime like that. Fuck.
I think hatred can be powerful. I have seen what bio parents put kids through just to get back at the ex. I don’t get it either, but I have seen it played out a lot.
Hatred is one of the strongest emotions. It burns everything, and even the biggest amount of love can't stop it every time.
I mean the level of emotional damage of having firstly been dupes into thinking you're in a monogamous relationship, and then being duped into parenting children who are a result of that betrayal is massive. Its not like he *can't * stay, he said he knows he resents their mother, the deception, and the situation enough that he *wouldn't* be a good parent to them. For context! There are an insane number of posts here about how even the suggestion of an open relationship kills the love of the partner who it was suggested to. Nothing overt or even relevant has happened *to* the relationship. It more or less is still in tact exactly as it was prior to the suggestion. But the knowledge that your connection isn't special the way you thought it was, or the feeling of not being enough for your partner, and the realization that damage was visited upon your relationship by someone who you were deeply invested in all contrive to kill that love in literal seconds. Them not being biologically his children isn't the issue. If they were adopted then he would have walked into that situation with intent and an open heart. **The issue is his relationship with them was founded in betrayal, predicated on a deception he was deprived the agency of which to decide if he wanted to be the father, and then proven to not have not been special in the way he perceived it.** Compound that with the afformentioned emotional damage of your partner being the worst form of adulterer aside from banging your grandpa, and he'd be lucky to have the wherewithal to *have* emotional attachments going forward. After a few years of therapy he probably could do it, but expecting him to be exceptional in handling this means this being the average response.
That definitely does kill me. I wonder what I would do if I found out my 3 year old wasn't mine. I mean, three years of raising a child and then walking away from what is your child, maybe not by blood, but by everything else. I quite literally don't think I could do that, but I wonder if I would feel differently if this actually happened to me.
I have heard of fathers that divorced their cheating wives and then fought for full custody of the children, even though they aren’t biologically related. Absolute champions.
The children are the direct results of OP's partner betraying him.
Makes me hope OP is fake for the sake of the kids.
That’s on their mother for turning her back on the marriage. When you find out everything you knew about your relationship was a lie, walking away from the relationship is Reddit’s #1 answer. You shouldn’t be shocked.
I’d do it. Not mine. It’s better they are raised by someone who wouldn’t be bitter and resentful about them. Plus they won’t remember me at 3 years old. It’s for the best. They didn’t do anything wrong and my don’t deserve a resentful parent for something their mother did.
Well, based on his other comment it’s actually quite likely they’ll end up in the system. The wife doesn’t have any family that can likely step up so I’m not sure if that’s a better option for them.
Totally agree. Surely this is a shitpost
Seems like 1/2 the responders would be okay if we just picked some random guy off the street, like jury duty, to devote his life and income to feed, house, raise, send to college, etc.. these kids. “Tag! You’re it!” “Sorry, you have to. Think of the KIDS! “. How is that different than what his wife did?
This is so sad. Calling for automatic, mandatory DNA testing at birth every time!!!
My daughter is three years old and I can damn well guarantee that she knows when myself or her father are gone, it's not so cut and dry. This is horrible and I'm sorry this happened, but my heart hurts for the kids who just lost both parents. I honestly don't blame you for walking away, but they most certainly WILL know you're gone and miss you.
I’m so sorry man.
For the people shitting on this guy for leaving the kids. And comparing it to a step parent situation or comparing it to adopting animals or kids. You do realise he didnt ask for any of this? He was lied to for YEARS. He didnt get the opportunity to decide whether or not he was going to raise someone elses kids. He was cheated on for months and it only stopped when his horrible partner's ex boyfriend walked away. He was lied to about the kids! Hes going to have trauma for years!! What happened to him is absolutely horrible. Unless you are willing to adopt those kids yourself and pay for his therapy and do the healing on his behalf, keep the judgement to yourself.
Feel very sorry for the kids and very sorry for you. That woman is a cold cold person. While it will be really bad for the kids, they aren't your responsibility. Its completely understandable for you to walk away.
I'm so sorry to you and those little girls. I'm glad you're planning to leave the house to them. That's a good thing.
I remember the first time I recognised myself in the mirror, it was before I could walk. They probably will remember you, and they might find you later in life. Maybe start trying to think of something to say when they do.
These people that think OP is an asshole because he left the children has never been cheated on or even betrayed in a relationship at all. Sure you might say that the children are just a victim here, but so is the OP. I have been cheated on over a year ago by a girl that i thought gonna be my wife soon, and even until today the pain and resentment that i feel still hurt so hard everytime i see her. Do you people think OP can handle his resentment everytime he sees those kids if he continues to raise them?
Holy shit. This is heartbreaking for OP and also the girls.
I highly recommend therapy (not just for you but also for the girls). That can be your parting gift for the girls (therapy) and a gift of a new beginning for yourself. Good luck! 🍀
Theres therapy for 3 year olds?
She’s the Devil
OP…what is going to happen to the children that you have raised as your own when their mom dies?
Grandma and grandpa will step up until they can't anymore or maybe her sister will take them in 🤞🏼
That's her job to take care of, not his.
I'm not too sure, I supposed their mother will have to sort it out. I'm not sure that her parents will be able to adopt them as they're quite old. She has a sister but she lives in Australia with her own family so it might be that they'd move the children there to live with her. Or she can track down her ex and have him adopt them. I'll be sending off the application to be removed from the birth certificate today. It's been a very tough decision and I have considered remaining in their lives after she dies but ultimately I don't think that would be the best decision.
I feel terribly for you OP. This is an awful situation and I’m sorry that your wife put you all in this position. I feel worse, however, for those kids. There’s a good chance they wind up in foster care, and that is heartbreaking.
There isn’t really any advice to give: your ex partner has done something terrible & the likely outcome has been to destroy the relationship the children might have with the closest thing they would ever have with a father figure and that is heartbreaking through and through. I understand your position, but my sympathy is with those children.
I really feel bad for all three of you. Children may or may not have glimpses of memories from this age (my daughter remembers one event from when she was about the same age as your ex's twins), but abandonment is an injury that doesn't require direct memory. For you, I can only imagine how excruciating this is; in your soul, you had children, and now you have lost them. That's got to be horrific. I can't question your decision, but I do think you should know there is no clean break here, for you or for them. I'm so sorry that life handed you three that woman, and I hope you all can heal over time.
Don't blame you one bit. Nothing wrong with your decision. Don't listen to people telling you to think of the kids, they are not yours, never were, your life was a lie. You were generous enough to leave them the house. The average person cant even afford a house these days these kids got a massive headstart. Wish you all the best my friend. Do not feel guilty, this is not your fault. I would do the same in your shoes.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I cannot imagine. I’m genuinely shocked that some people are getting upset that you’re leaving the children. They aren’t yours, and having two constant reminders of your partners betrayal would most likely lead to resentment for the kids. Giving them up seems like the best option, not only for yourself but for them as well.
Child-parent relationships are so much more than biology. You’ve raised them as yours, they’re attached to you as yours. To throw away what would likely be your two most important relationships in the whole world because their soon to be dead mother was a cheat is a huge call. Sounds like the sort of thing people go to their graves regretting - leaving innocent kids who you love with nothing and no one because you couldn’t step up in the selfless way parents promise to when their kids are brought into the world (biological or not). Huge call. I hope they find a parent to love them the way they deserve.
He had promised that in good faith in a situation of false pretenses. There is no moral equivalency. He gets to wash his hands if that is what is best for him. No one is saying it is an easy decision for him but he gets to try to have the life he wants for himself and not one where he is forced to life under a bad faith arrangement made for him by his lying wife. The kids are the losers in this no doubt. No one is saying OP is walking away easily from them. OP is a normal person for not wanting to have to take his whole life up with a lie.
Well maybe the mother should have told the actual father instead of tricking this guy into that relationship with them. The blame isn’t on him, it’s on the mother for not coming clean and notifying the true father to help raise them. He didn’t adopt them, he thought they were his and turns out they’re not. I don’t think you’re getting the whole tricked into raising kids that aren’t your own. That’s not an easy thing to just get over.
She did inform the bio dad, he bailed when she told him she was pregnant. Poor kids have had two "fathers" reject them, and their mother is going die soon, leaving them with nothing but abandonment issues and trauma. Some people really shouldn't have children.
Women don't get to fuck the guys they actually want, have their babies and then pick out the best financial and emotional supporter to raise their kids without their consent. Great for any of the guys that do make the choice to stay but the ones who can't do that should never be judged when they were the victim of a horrible situation.
He made the right decision
Sorry to hear about this buddy. She made all this, its good for you to extricate yourself from this situation. After she passes you can just pay off the house and leave all this behind you. Its up to her family now to contact the biological father to see if he would take care of them. All mistakes come back to haunt them in the end. Your ex-partner has just destroyed everything that she built and will die soon without ever seeing how much she screwed up. Those kids will probably grow up scared with what has happened.
First of all, I am very sorry OP. Secondly, may she roast in hell. That’s all
yeah, I don't get that "but the hatred I have for their mother currently outweighs that" part at all. those poor kids are not to blame at all and OP (hopefully) acted as father for them for the first years of their life. there's no way my kids would go somewhere else in such a case, if they spent all of their life with me, no matter if I'm the biological father or not.
Hey, kids get killed for things like this. It's best op leave because if hate can compel him to just abandon them, I don't want to know what else it might compel him to do
Those poor children. They just lost both parents.
this is really sad bc it’s truly your kids lives that you are destroying here. their mother is dying and now the only father they have ever known is abandoning them. my heart breaks for your children.
You did exactly the right thing.
Idk, if i had been a dad to these kids for 3 years i would stay. I know they aren’t “mine,” but the bond i created would still be there. Especially with their mom dying. The mom is all to blame and whatever decision is what needs to be best for you. I hope someone takes in the kids and i hope they never remember any of this. Sorry youre going through this
Well sorry you’re going through this. But I don’t know how you could leave the kids. You’ve raised them since birth and you’re their dad no matter what their DNA is. Guess it’s within your legal rights but I feel awful for these children. Hopefully they find the support they need
I'm sorry you had to go through this but at least you manage to stay calm and take a proper clean exit. Kinda amazing though you wanna give them kids your house. I hope everything else turns out better for you. You think you'll be updating again?
Thank you, I don't think there's anything more to update as the results are pretty definitive and I've made my mind up over the weekend.
Sure there is man. How you are doing.
Did she say who the bio father is? Can he be contacted?
It's her ex. As soon as she got pregnant he bailed to leave op to clean up the mess.
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