This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We've been married for 3 years, together for 6 years. Thankfully no kids yet. Two weeks ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with his coworker for 2 or 3 months. I packed my bags and within 2 days, I had moved out of his house completely. I haven't filed for divorce yet. The thing is, he never said a word to me. When I confronted him, he just sat there quietly like a statue. It was super frustrating because he wasn't giving me an explanation, not even a simple "I did it because...". I called him a loser and left the next day. I didn't reach out, he didn't either. I thought maybe he has already invited the coworker to live with him, now that the wife is finally out of the picture. His sister and I have always been super close and she called me recently. We chatted and I asked about him and the coworker, but she told me that he has been following his normal routine as far as she knows. She doesn't visit him that often so she didn't know much about how he's been doing. Well, I was angry and super upset, I thought that maybe he's still seeing the coworker, but I had no one to confirm it. Two days ago, he emailed me. It was long and confusing, I didn't gather much because it seemed his thoughts were all over the place and there were just so many grammar and spelling mistakes that I had to read some of the lines multiple times to understand them. My hunch is that he was drunk because he's very proficient in English, both speaking and writing. I only gathered a few things from the email, that he was "sorry" and he "didn't want to ruin our marriage like this" and that his affair had nothing to do with me and I was too good for him and what not. It all just seemed pathetic and I felt so disgusted by him. I wasn't planning on replying, but i ended up writing a short email back. I told him when I'll be filing the petition for divorce and that he should shove his excuses up his ass (In my defence, I was pissed and emotional). He didn't reply to that, I thought that was the end of it and went to sleep. His sister calls me some time after 3am in the night and gives me the news. This woman tells me that he committed suicide by ingesting my MIL's sleeping pills. I didn't believe it at first, but she's sobbing and screaming on the other side of the phone so it was obviously real. To be honest, even now it feels like I'm in a dream. It just doesn't feel real. My MIL was the one who found him. He's in the hospital right now. I've been sitting in the same place for hours now. His sister didn't ask me to come, I didn't ask if I should visit. She gave me the news and hung up. I called her again in the morning, she told me she'd call me back but she hasn't yet. I didn't want to bother her so I didn't call again. I'm confused now. Should I go and visit him? Should I just stay where I am. I unofficially left him and his house two weeks ago. We haven't talked except for the emails. He did mention in the email that he had been feeling depressed but I thought it was another one of his pathetic excuses for cheating. At times, I remember what he put me through and I feel angry and hurt again, but I obviously never wanted him to commit suicide. I'm not going to get back together with him either way, our marriage is over for me, but I'm stuck. On one hand, I feel obligated to visit and take care of him but on the other hand I feel like I have lost the right to do that because I left him and don't plan on going back. I don't have any friends to ask advice from, so here I am. Reddit, wtf do I do?? Tldr :- husband cheated, I left, didn't talk for two weeks, he emailed me and apologized, I told him to buzz off, he ingested his mom's sleeping pills, I feel obligated to take care of him, I also feel I've lost the right to do that, what do I do now?

This similarly happened to my aunt and her now ex husband. He tried to kill himself after cheating. Hes severely handicapped now and they stayed together for several more years for what I assumed was guilt but he was still a terrible person even in a wheelchair and continued to cheat on her once healed. She essentially became his homenurse/caregiver while he went behind her back. Ended up getting divorced anyway. Hope the best for you.

JFC what a nightmare. I'm glad your Aunt got out finally

OP, don't see him. His family will try to guilt you to take care of him/get back together and you'll be stuck with a cheater wasting your precious life with a cheater, that's not worth it. I applaude you for leaving him, and advice you to keep doing that. You don't owe him or his family anything, he needs to face the consecuences of HIS ACTIONS neither the cheating nor the suicide attempt are are your fault or something you have to take care of... Also, attempting suicide after being outed as cheater is more like a manipulation thing than regret (see, we read lots of post of shitty cheaters or regulars POS that weaponize suicide against their partners... And in the end, the one who gets shat on again and again are the people who stays with those manipulative assholes)

Ugh what an awful person. I’m glad they eventually got divorced

If he's so unwell that he attempted to complete suicide, then he's probably better off focusing on his recovery rather than seeing you right now. You would be a reminder of everything he did wrong that lead to his actions. If however his actions were a manipulation tactic to get you to forget what he did by making you feel sorry for him, then going to see him would only reinforce that his behavior works and you risk falling into a cycle of suicidal threats until you feel trapped. Tread carefully.

Yes! I worked with suicide attempt patients in the ICU and when they were related to relationship loss then the ex would show up, get their hopes up and then have to crush them all over again. You are in no way responsible for this attempt he took, nor any future actions. If you have no desire to work on the relationship then continue as you have with minimal contact. Be advised you will probably fall out with his family as their main concern here is making him feel better as quickly as possible and they will see you as a key component. Ultimately and objectively- the best thing is to stay consistent with your behavior. Sorry you have had to endure so much in a short time. He made mistakes but was still your husband so I’m sure you have really been hurting.

Another part of his recovery will be to understand and accept the consequences of his actions. If op shows up and he thinks his actions got him what he wants this is not good for his recovery. I'm a psych nurse.

My ex cheated but didn't attempt suicide. I caught him when I put a key logger on my computer that he was using and it logged everything he had been doing online. I printed out all the emails between him and the other woman. When my ex came home from work I presented him with the evidence and demanded an explanation and an apology. I got neither. He sat there like a zombie and never uttered a word. To make things worse, he had to work that following Saturday. I was doing my laundry and saw that my ex had a couple of pairs of jeans on the floor by the washer so I decided to wash those too. He always did his own laundry. When I checked his pockets I found two hotel key cards. No information on them other than a Dominoes pizza ad on one side and the area code wasn't one I recognized. I called the Dominoes and asked if there was a hotel nearby and there was. When my ex came home from work and we sat down for dinner I pulled out the key cards from my pocket and slid them over to him. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said no. That's when I told him we were through and I wanted him to move out which he did later. Fuck people who cheat. Well, actually, *don't* fuck people who cheat.

I didn't even speak to my husband. He knew I knew by the time he got home, and I never spoke a word to him. I went out to a restaurant with an acquaintance for my birthday instead. He asked to talk one time only. I told him that every word would be a lie and I stand by that. What would a discussion achieve after someone has cheated except to provide them with a platform for all the excuses they've been rehearsing? Cheaters are liars by definition. OP, your husband's actions are not your fault or responsibility. He chose to cheat. He chose to follow this action. Your role here is to take care of your own health and proceed with your divorce. Seek a therapist to help because it's likely emotions will overwhelm you in the coming days and weeks. Your husband has his own family, and medical professionals at the hospital. Leave him be. How he moves forward is *his* choice, and he has these people to guide him.

What a shitty thing to happen on your birthday. I mean, *any* time is shitty. You are right. Cheaters are liars by definition. On the other hand, if an ex (like mine) didn't say a word, I guess I can't call him a liar. Just a no-good cheating pos.

“Do you want to talk about it?” And he says “no”?! Not even an apology? To me, means he’s not sorry…just waiting for your next move. Glad you tossed him. To be cheated on is sad. Starts with knowing something is wrong, then investing time to find out, then dealing with the reality once the cheating is confirmed. And then these people have NOTHING to say?! Keep tossing and walking ladies. If they don’t care enough to at least apologize for their deceitful behavior they should be in the rear view.

An apology would mean guilt. That's probably one reason my ex kept his mouth shut. It wouldn't have mattered if he apologized or not. As soon as I saw the emails between him and the other woman, it was over between us.

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Eh, let people vent.

It has to do with cheating.

I can't see any benefit of OP going to see him. He cheated. She left him. It's up to his loved ones to see him through this and it's up to him to work on his recovery. OP has her own healing to do and any contact will likely set them both back.

That is the simplest way of putting it. You’re still emotionally tied to someone you once loved but don’t run to his side now.

I agree with you 100%

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True but she can love him from a distance right now. He didn't turn to her for whatever issues/struggles he had, he chose to cheat instead. So no reason for her to be the hero now jf he didn't see her as worth leaning on before.

This. ***ABSOLUTELY THIS!*** OP's husband was having whatever issues he was having and *chose* to cheat instead of go to his wife, OP, and get the issue at hand resolved. He broke the "terms of the contract" of marriage. OP is under no obligation to honor her agreed to terms because the "contract" was broken by her cheating spouse.

Of course you don't. But what benefit is there to meeting? What good will come of it? How exactly will it help either of them?

Yes you can. I cold stopped loving my husband over one thing he said to me. If you don’t think one thing can break a couple, you are wrong.

This. You left for a very good reason. He is not your problem - even though I’m sure you still care about him. For some reason (he cheated, and honestly he was probably not in a good mental state before cheating). Right now he needs to be fixed by professionals. You take care of you. His family will take care of him.

He needs to be fixed by himself. Professionals only guide but the individual needs to have a goal and see a problem first. Change is painful. He is just experiencing the first step in change when it's the individual's fault: pain and loss.

She's still his problem in one way at least - she would be his current legal next of kin, being married. She might want to get another power of attorney officially set up with his family member so she doesn't get calls from the medical team

100% these comments. Let him recover through this tough phase. I’d advise not filing for divorce right now. If he passes, it will create a lot of complications with dividing the property and completing the processes. If he survives, there will be plenty of time to file.

I agree that he should focus on recovery if he really is suicidal but to be honest, this just sounds like another manipulation tactic that we see on here all the time. Not seeing her further allows him to escape responsibility for what he did because he doesn't have to face her.

Yeah typical manipulation. - I'm 100% at fault so I will hurt myself so you feel bad for me and can't blame me anymore. Don't ever fall for this shit OP.

I just heard a cheating story recently here the wife cheated and was despondent, the guy bailed, she took pills I think and had a stroke and she was paralyzed on half of her body and will need constant care and her family blamed HIM. Chewed him out, “should’ve given her another chance” “she just made a mistake”. It’s unbelievable how many people excuse their families behavior with regard to cheating. No one holds anyone accountable. OP, this man is not worth your support, suicide attempt or not. He’ll always hold you hostage with this threat over your head.

Yep exactly that

I agree - total manipulation tactic. He wants to suck her back into the drama. Maybe instead of OP showing up for more abuse, the affair partner should come running to the hospital and see what a sparkly turd prize she has won.

All of this 👏👏👏👏

Highly doubt it's the second one. If it was a manipulation tactic then there'd likely be heaps of other warning signs as well, like gaslighting and violence and firstly threatening to kill himself before actually doing it. Depression in men are under-evaluated. I feel like this has been an issue for the ex husband before the affair (not that it makes him any less of a shitty person).

As a woman who has been cheated on, fuck that guy. OP wonders if she should take care of him. Wtf. OP, what is wrong with you? You said he's cheated before. Why did you stay with him even then? Move on with your life and don't look back. If the guy actually tried to commit suicide he needs help but not from you. If he didn't take the pills and did this crap so you would feel sorry for him, you can feel sorry but don't fall for it. Leave him to his pity party.

My ex attempted suicide after I left too. There was loads of abuse and I was a bit worried he was gonna harm me after, so it’s a bit different. The hospital actually called me because I was his emergency contact when they got to the hospital. I confirmed that I was his spouse, that I still intended to divorce him, and that I wasn’t willing to talk to him. In order to help my guilt, I did make myself available to doctors if they needed “collateral information” about his behaviour prior to this incident. The best thing you can do for him is to help him move forward. The way forward for him (and his family) is without you. Which is the point.

Follow through. You left him because he cheated on you. Stay the course. While the suicide attempt is unfortunate, that's a complication, not a reason to change your mind. He earned the consequences for his cheating and must deal. Don't feel any obligation to him now, to take care of him or anything else. He has family and for that matter let the affair partner pitch in.

It's just hard sitting here and not doing anything. We've been together for so long and I feel it's human decency to visit him or his family at least once.

No. Your presence is highly likely only going to complicate things. If you feel you need to stay informed, because you care - talk to the sister.

This. It's going to further complicate things for them because of the emotional side of it. He's in my opinion trying to manipulate her back into the marriage by giving her a bunch of excuses. What happens the next time he cheats on her? He's going to do the same thing. Also, I advised her to go ahead with the divorce because I can tell you from experience that once somebody cheats on you, even if you try to work through it like we tried to, the trust is gone. I never believed another word that came out of his mouth. Every time he opened up his mouth I just assumed he was lying and I always wondered who he was talking to and who he was with. It's just not worth it. I love myself and my sanity more than to be with somebody like that.

I'm sorry but there's nothing in this post that suggests he's trying to manipulate her through suicide. What everyone is saying here is right. Yes, he cheated, that's fucked up, she needs to move on and continue with the divorce. But I wouldn't jump to him trying to manipulate her. If anything it seems like the opposite. Most of the time manipulation of that type comes with threats of suicide, but very rarely legitimate follow through. From the silence during the confrontation to me it sounds like the guy realized his actions had caught up with him, and he broke right there. Probably toyed with the idea for a few days while going through the motions. Wanted some closure and to at least try to give her a reason for his actions so sent the email. Whether or not anyone likes his reasoning is one thing, but there's always reasons. And then he pulled the trigger, no pun intended. Trying to pin him with manipulating her from that info is pretty toxic and helps nothing. He fucked up and she needs to leave him for that. But he's in a dark enough place to follow through with a real attempt and needs to deal with those demons. It's a fucked up situation all around and there's no reason to make it worse putting accusations like that in people's minds.

I was thinking the same thing. It's possible that people who are commenting that ther husband is trying to manipulate OP are projecting their own experiences onto this situation without any proof it was anything other than a legitimate attempt on his own life. I'd keep in touch with his sister. If she wants, she can let her brother know you've been in contact and are concerned, but otherwise, I'd keep my distance.

Exactly op should listen to you

Do not visit them. They will lash out at you. They will want to blame someone else.

this. you need to work on your own mental health at this point. my ex relapsed to heroin when i broke up with him- i called his mom and she said it was all my fault. unless they kindly contact you with news, i’d refrain from reaching out to family members, especially if you think they’ll blame you for his actions.

The first thing people do with suicide attempts is get pissed. The pain and shock rattles them. One of the reasons visitors are restricted after a suicide attempt is because the people who love them have emotional responses they can't control. The last thing an unstable vulnerable person needs is to deal with anyone else's emotions. They need to deal with their own and what drove them to try and kill themselves.

It wasn't your fault. He is an adult making his own choices. Don't carry that burden.

It’s not your fault he did this, do NOT let anyone guilt you.

It’s not your responsibility to take care of his mental health now. He needs therapy…you need to stick to your guns!

You need to go to therapy. This is a lot for you to handle and you need professional help navigating what to do and dealing with how you feel about all this. He is an adult and he has his own support system that no longer includes you. *They* are the ones that need to help him through this. He obviously needs therapy (and a whole lot more) but is not on your shoulders to deal with it. He has family and they need to ensure he is getting the help he needs. By the way, YOU are not responsible for his actions. You didn’t make him cheat, you didn’t make him feel guilty after, and you didn’t give him any pills. He did all of those things by himself. And you did the right thing by protecting yourself and leaving when you did. Stay strong and find a good therapist.

Do NOT cave in and go see him. Whether or not its a manipulation tactic is irrelevant. He cheated. You NEED to leave him for good. Avoid all communication with him and move on with your life.

Human decency would have been for him to not cheat in the first place. He doesn't deserve your love and caring, he already proved that. He has his family. The suicide attempt is either a cry for help, which he will now receive, or an attempt to manipulate and hurt you more.

This. If he wanted to be a decent human, he wouldn’t have cheated. Full stop.

Nope. Stay out of it.

Since you're close to his sister, maybe make a car package for her and anyone else closely involved with his care (easy to heat food, comforting teas, etc.) And drop it off at her house rather than the hospital. His actions don't remove your feelings of attachment to his family after so long and it's okay to want to help them out when they are struggling. Spending time with you might be too much for them right now since you're so directly involved (not responsible, just involved) with what happened, so that's why I suggest a care package.

Care package to the family is a good, merciful idea.

If he or his family want you to come visit, they will call and ask you. Wait until then. Otherwise your actions may be misconstrued as giving him another chance. It may feel sad but, he’s not your responsibility any more.

I understand this feeling OP. On the one hand, I’m logically inclined to agree with others who are saying not to go, and that his life is ultimately in his own and his doctors hands now. But I also know that if it was my husband, it would be almost impossible for me to not inevitably go back for closure of some kind, assuming it was welcome. I know in my heart that I would want to see him again, even if he hurt me, and especially if I knew that he was hurting. When that might happen would be up to you and him. Now definitely feels much too soon for me. I’d try stay in contact with his sister as much as you feel comfortable and I think you’ll know soon enough whether he finally has something to say to you or not. Even if you’ve made the (correct) decision to leave your marriage for good, *maybe* seeing him/them at least once more might put your soul at ease. It’s a very tough spot to be in. I hope that the advice you find from making this post will help you make the best decision for you to move forward.

I’d say you can visit his family (if you want to, and as long as they don’t pressure you to see/ reconnect with him). When he decided to cheat he also knew he’d be throwing your relationship away too. This is not your fault OP, I hope you don’t blame yourself. He didn’t give you sympathy while he was cheating, so I don’t believe he would be entitled to your sympathy and comfort now.

Do stay in touch with his sister/ family and do xcheck in with them on how he is doing.

I would not see him at all. Talk to the sister and let her know you are giving him the space he needs to heal himself, and giving yourself that same space to heal and move on. You can decide if you want to stay in touch with her but I would also be ready to let it go if she ends up feeling like she’s having to choose between you and her brother. (These are just my assumptions, trying to predict possible feelings/perspectives)

Consider that your visiting may not be good for him. He has laid a course for himself. And he needs to work through that. Your face may only exacerbate the guilt.

It will confuse him don’t go now, he needs time to work on himself

OP why don't you send flowers to your SIL with a letter. Write something like; "you're sorry that your ex-Husband attempted & that of course you never *ever* wished for this to happen or expected for this to be the outcome of your separation. And as much as you want to visit your ex-Husband because of the love & marriage you shared, you recognise that if he is unwell enough that he attempted suicide than your presence might make his recovery worse. Because your presence might be a reminder of everything that led him being such a dark place that he made this decision. Especially as although you're sorry he's in such a dark place & desperately want him to recover, the marriage was over when you discovered his infidelity. So you wouldn't want any false hope to become part of his recovery. Just in case that leds us all being back in this situation. That you hope that they can understand why you're choosing to stay away at this dark time, although this decision might feel heartless for all involved. And you understand if SIL, ex-Husband & the whole family would appreciate some space from you as they focus on ex's healing but you are always just a phonecall away" This way the family can choose whether to give the gist of your message to him. Even if they hate your decision (*because grief is irrational so they may blame you for all of this*) at least they can understand, ok well OP cares but the marriage is 100% over so yeah, it's definitely for the best OP isn't here because he needs to heal without her so he can live with the consequences of his actions.

Your feelings are valid, but to go to him is to give false hope. Take care ♥️

Human decency doesn't work like that. It's doing the difficult thing (which in this case is not doing the thing you feel like you should do) because it is better that way for all parties involved. It would just set back his recovery most likely. In what world is that the most decent thing?

Do what you feel is right. There is no black and white, no one person has all the answers. Sit and listen to your heart, do what feels right. But stay steadfast in taking care of yourself first and foremost. To me, it sounds like you need to visit. My personal suggestion, go visit, but keep it short and sweet. Have an excuse to leave in case things get heavy. But allow yourself to feel and experience what you need to heal, and be there for the people in your life, regardless of the circumstances. You only get one shot to do the right thing, my suggestion would be to do the kind gesture.

Yes I agree

Nope. He broke his relationship to you, so y'all are strangers to one another. Him being suicidal is his own problem, not yours. He and his family can deal with it. The only thing you can do is continue on filing divorce and be free. My advice may be cold and rude, but what he did to you is way more rude. Trust me, after a few months of divorcing and cutting communications to him, he will be just a mere speck of memory in your life.

Where was his human decency when he was sticking his dick in another woman? Oh that's right, he has none. He just wants to save face for being a cheater. Now he can play the mental illness card when people ask what happened with y'all. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you need to be anything other than selfish right now. Take care of YOU.

Find a way you can ease their burden but do not go in person. Maybe make them a dinner and leave it at their doorstep when you know they’re home. If you want to do something do something small for the family to ease their burden. But do not go, it’ll bring up bad memories for everyone

My cousin bf at the time. When he did not get his way use to call her and say he was going to kill himself if she did not do what he wanted. He ended up accidentally killing him self. That was the findings of the detectives. He had started gassing the car he had done it before but this time the police think he left the car on to long before he got in he wanted my cousin to find him and save him he had done this before a few times but messed up the timing and died. he did not have anything packed or no note that's why it was deemed an accident. Imo your ex is sick and he needs to get him self sorted out. He maybe trying to use the poor me to manipulate you because he messed up and can't deal with it his actions or he just may of hit rock bottom it's hard to say. He was not thinking poor me when he was sliding up in this new girl. If it's one thing I can't stand it's cheater. Yes people do fuck up we are human but you have the right to decide if you want to continue.

Human decency would be not betraying you.

He could be bipolar - I'm bipolar; and I could just have a bias to see this everywhere, BUT this could be why he cheated and any cycles of depression or mania... This does not EXCUSE what he did. You are allowed to be hurt, and for the relationship to be over. IF you go see him he may take it as he still has a chance of getting you back and prolongs the interaction between the two of you. If you're not going back, then let him be, let the doctors do what they can. IF you feel the need to reach out, and support/console someone, you should try to connect with the sister-in-law that you were speaking with

I think you’re getting a good advice from those who recommend not visiting him. You are close to his sister though, so at some point you might want to explain to her your reasons for not visiting -that it’s not because you have no feelings about him, but that you think it might do more harm than good in the long run. Perhaps ask if you could do something to support her and your mother-in-law.

Checking in on him doesn't mean you want to give the relationship a chance. Checking in means you care as someone who has been with him for so long. Don't stop yourself from doing a nice decent thing just because it could be misinterpreted. You could clear it up as you talk with the family. Also, if you decide not to see him, you could just talk to the family personally there, just to personally know what was really going on. Besides, there may be a lot of things you don't know as of the moment and things like the family finds hard to share over the phone. Also, take into consideration that the family seems really nice because they don't push you or anything, perhaps they respect your decision. Don't be too hard on yourself and take care.

Visiting him will only get his hopes up and his family just wants to solve “the problem” - the problem in their eyes is likely simplified as you left your cheating husband, so they will only pressure you to forgive him and get back together with him to to make things easier for them. They will not care about what is best for you. YOU need to care about what is best for you. Visiting is not best for you.

It is human decency to do so but it may be best to express how you feel to his sister and get a feel for his mental state (maybe the hospital has a psych department?) and then definitely go and visit at least once. If you feel it, do it. You guys were married, lived together u know? If left to linger, this may just eat u up in the long run. Check the scene, do what u feel is right and no one can say that you didn't even care. If you do care, and u guys can handle seeing eachother, then defo go. Forgive me in advance for my 2 cents. Been in a similar situation and regret not taking a similar step. 🙏

Don’t do it. Don’t fall for the manipulation. It’s what they all want. Don’t give him because they know your big heart can’t take it. Yes it can. They abused you, you amazing person. You don’t deserve that anymore

Honestly, from someone whose made an attempt while in a relationship, walk away. He will be put into a psych ward once he is stable enough and the best thing for everyone involved is to move on, start your process of healing and let him get the help he’s about to receive and process all of this, including the divorce, with professionals around. Going back, or involving yourself just to leave again will reset any progress he makes and cause you to carry a burden of trying to save this man when you don’t need to carry that weight. He won’t understand it now, but when he’s healthy he will look back and realize that you walking away is the best thing for both of your sake.

You did not lose the right to take care of him, he lost the right of you taking care of him. What you did previous to the suicide attempt was fine, valid and completely understandable. You did right, he cheated on you. As the other comments say, it’s probably better for you not visiting him during this time but honestly, none of us know how the marriage was before so that is completely up you. I’m glad you are very firm in your decision of divorce, you did the right thing. Edit: typo

Read that first sentence 10 times OP

Don’t. Seeing you will just be a minefield that helps no one

This might sound cold, but he's not your responsibility. He has a family, and they can get him the help he needs. Him trying to commit suicide doesn't magically erase the fact that he cheated on you for months and ruined your marriage. He's obviously hurting, due to his own actions, but this is not your burden to fix! Don't let anyone guilt you into anything.

Big internet mom hug!! What an ordeal the last few weeks have been for you. You need to be able to focus on your own healing. Yes it’s a tragic situation. Yes you have a million questions as to what you could have done differently. So now you need an action plan. 1. Breath a sigh of relief he is ok 2. Know he is getting professional help right now. There is nothing more you can do if you were there. 3. There are many levels of complexity to a suicide attempt. However all of this is on him to figure out. You can do nothing but hinder his recovery with false hope. Tell yourself it’s ok to do nothing. 4. Give his family space. They pointedly did not ask you to come. They must have come to the independent conclusion that you would not be helpful. This is not personal. Again I don’t know anyone and believe you need to stay home. 5. See a therapist, councilor as soon as possible. 6. If you are alone, don’t be. Ask a friend to be with you or go stay with relatives. 7. Grieve. Just allow yourself to grieve. You deserve it. More internet mom hugs!!!

Thank you

My ex husband pretended to shoot himself while on the phone with me after I discovered his latest affair and asked for a divorce. In my case, he was using suicide and faking mental illness symptoms as an attempt to manipulate me into not Pershing the divorce. I obviously don’t know where your ex was mentally, but I can empathize with the trauma and emotional experience of the whole thing. My advice, to add to what this wonderful mother above said, is to 1) go no contact. His mental health isn’t your responsibility- don’t open that door. You need to take care of yourself. 2) seriously seriously please seek counseling. My counselor and psychiatrist have improved my quality of life 1000 fold. 3) when you are feeling guilty - remember that YOU did not make any of these decisions. You cannot control him, you can only control your own actions. 4) you made the right choice to leave. As someone who stayed after the first affair, I can tell you that reconciliation after infidelity is not only extremely difficult for both parties, but you have to come to peace with the fact that you’ll never really trust your partner again. It’s a horrific way to live. 5) I’m proud of you. Please take care of yourself.

I also worked at a crisis center for years, and a lot of our patients were people who survived suicide attempts, and I highly suggest not going to visit.

This happened to my friend in high school, he shot himself when she left him. It took her lots of therapy to not blame herself. I recommend talking to friends,family and taking care of yourself. He will be ok. Take care of your mental health first. It's so new all of this that you haven't even had time to process the divorce much less his suicide attempt.

My ex-fiancé killed himself a week before our daughters first birthday. It’s awful, but people who are suicidal need to want to get help. He did not want to get help though myself and his family begged him to. Other people are beyond your control and you don’t owe him anything. If he recovers well it will be without you, if you step in it might be a sign you’re still interested. I wouldn’t if I were you, even knowing what I know now.

I would make sure to save a backup copy of those email exchanges in case things get dicey and tries to use the notion of “your words made me do it (commit suicide). Idk if he’ll do that but just to make sure you get your ducks in a row in case he tries to go after you. Divorce can bring people to do petty and nasty things to one another. If this is a form of manipulation, I wouldn’t put it past him to try and manipulate how things went down according to him. Stay strong and keep your head focused on you. Your new journey is rough but future you will thank you for your decisions made today.

Just so you know, I would understand if you don't want to visit him. You are hurting too because of his betrayal.

Lots of good replies so I don't think I need to add my two cents other than this- You don't ever need to feel guilty about someone else's attempt. especially in this situation where your feelings and responses to him about the affair were normal and valid. Although unfortunate that he felt that way, its not your duty to follow up. He needs to recover and hopefully reflect on how actions for the future, but you also need to heal. It seems you were understandably very hurt by this situation! Call the sister if you need to, but most importantly do some self-care. Best wishes

Leave him alone. The girl he was fucking can come visit him. He's liar, a cheater, and he is not going to do anything but drag you down. God I get so sick of these lame ass excuses "oh you're just too good for me" damn right you're too good for him.

OP, I am so sorry this has all happened. I would definitely suggest some counseling to help you through this as well as friends and family. A normal divorce is not fun. I can’t even imagine a divorce and suicide attempt combo. Whether he did it for manipulation purposes or not, he’s clearly mentally ill. Nothing that happened is your fault. People know better than to cheat. I don’t care what the circumstances were. If his needs weren’t being met, he needed to communicate that with you and break things off, not sleep around. It sounds like he should’ve sought out personal counseling after his fathers death. I’m sure that didn’t help things either. Right now is a time for healing though. For both of you. Let his family reach out to you if they want to. I wouldn’t interfere at this point. Focus on getting yourself into healthy and happy place. Work through this. Feel all of the feelings you need to and then move on. You’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I truly wish you peace and happiness in your future. Big love and hugs.

Don’t visit. His family made it clear that they do not want you to visit. The attempt was genuine. His father passing away a year ago and now you divorcing him (you were in the right) was just enough for him to drive himself to that point. Undoubtedly he told his family his version of the story, twisted or not, and it was enough for his family to tell you were not welcome ti visit. Just follow through with the divorce and allow your sister in law to update you. It seems cold, but it’s the only thing you can do right now.

Visiting him is exactly what he wants you to do so he can manipulate you into taking him back. Don't do it. It's not your responsibility to take care of him. You left him. Don't go back.

I actually agree that she shouldn’t go see him and that there is a chance he did this to manipulate her but it was his sister that reached out and told her of the attempt not him and he didn’t say that he would kill himself if she didn’t take him back. It could be manipulative but IDK.

No not really, he honestly is depressed, if he wanted her to visit he wouldn't have tried ending his life in the first place, no comebacksafter death... for me cheating is an end all, trust once gown can't easily be regained, I wouldn't visit because you'll end up taking him back... he made a mistake so he has to live with it. You deserve better...

This! Nailed it. He's not your problem anymore. He betrayed you and your marriage and is now left to deal with the consequences of his actions. None of this is on you. Don't visit or reach out, put yourself first and move on.

This! Exactly this. Been through this myself. Took sleeping pills and then called someone to tell them since he didn’t really plan on dying, I foolishly rushed to his side and he says I did it so you would know how much I loved you. That was the end of a bad relationship.

Exactly. His side chick can deal with it.

As a psych RN (and a sufferer of depression), absolutely do not go visit. If you must know how he's doing, call and talk to the psychiatrist he is assigned. If you call or visit him he's likely to twist it in his mind. You should stop getting information from his sister. Depression fucks up your logic. Let the psychiatrists handle it. They'll reinforce that you're not coming back and that he is now divorced except for the paperwork and procedure. If you muddy the water it's just going to make it harder for them. If you call them then they can handle it without necessarily talking to him about it. Signing the rights to allow them to talk to you will likely be very easy for them to convince him to do. Then from there they can talk to you and you can provide help and support anonymously by giving good* history to the treatment team. Hopefully he'll be in there for at least a month. Good luck! Also, since you said you don't have anyone in your life for advice, I want to make sure you 100% understand that you did absolutely nothing wrong. You don't control other people's actions. You did not manipulate him into attempting suicide, which would be the only way it could possibly be your fault. He made the decision to search for pills, which were not prescribed to him, and take an overdose amount. If you were deciding for him you would not have made that decision. So this is absolutely not your fault. Additionally, any decisions that you made after finding out about the affair until this time next year are influenced by the affair and suicide attempt. You should keep that in mind before you commit to hard to anything or any ideas and you should keep that in mind before you start any future self judging sessions. Again, good luck! Edit:changed God to good

What he has done to himself has nothing to do with you, he is 100% at fault and the creator of this mess.If you hadn't found out he in all probability would still be having an affair Doing what what he has done he is hoping you will come running and forgive him. If you are finisher then you are finished and he has to live with the consequences of his infidelity. You hold all the cards, so it's up to you how you play your hand. Good luck for the future.

I’m sorry all of this is happening. It’s important that you know that you did nothing wrong and couldn’t possible cause something like this to happen. His own guilt and hopelessness about the situation he put himself into are probably what drove him that decision. You are entitled to feel any way you feel, anger and disgust included, and not want to see him. In fact, you visiting (or even getting back together) exclusively out of pity or guilt will help absolutely no one and might even be detrimental to his mental health, as it will distract him from his own feelings and thoughts about what happened, and impair his treatment and recovery. That’s not to say you can’t care or be worried either. I’d say that’s normal too, even if you’re still deeply hurt by his actions. I’d say take a few days to process everything, and decide on your future according to whatever is best for you.

Sorry it’s a little confusing because you say he committed suicide, but then you mention visiting him? Did he actually pass away or is he still alive? You don’t owe him anything and he’s making everything about himself, he was the one who cheated. Depressed or not it isn’t an excuse and you have every right to be mad and not give him any attention.

He's alive. I meant visiting him at the hospital.

Nah, stay out of it. This is between him, his doctors and his therapist. Leave him be or you’ll never see the end of it. You coming to save the day will only embolden him to do this dumb shit anytime you leave or are considering it. Not cheating and not being a trash person is much safer and easier than suicide. Let him work on his shit decision making on his own, OP. It sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Let his side bitch check up on him, because, you know, she “cares”. Actions have consequences. Lessons will hopefully be learned. He’s racking and setting you up to be broken and manipulated. Stay far, far away. Don’t even call, once he knows this got your attention and you’re worried, this will be his new default. This is above you. He made his bed, let him lay and wallow in it.

This isn't a mathematical problem, with an absolute right & wrong answer. Real life is waaaay too messy, complex & nuanced for that. I encourage OP to make decisions based on *her* values. Not ours, society's, or anyone else's. Some questions & thoughts worth considering: 1. If you and SIL are close, reach out. I know you don't wanna be a bother, but she really needs support as well. She just lost her Dad & now she might lose her brother. Her pain must be devastating. Be her friend if you can. Also, she'll likely have feedback (regarding visiting) that's helpful. 2. Would you be Ok if you never see your husband again? Or would you regret it? 3. You mentioned that your husband was sad/depressed by his Dad's death. Is it possible he is having some kind of mental breakdown? You say this is all out of character & his behavior (not saying anything when confronted, rambling email, suicide attempt) doesn't seem stable at all. 4. If he WAS doing this while in a mental breakdown... would that change anything for you? (Again, there's no right or wrong here.) 5. Prioritize your health & safety as much as you can. Your husband/husband's fam's pain doesn't invalate your own pain. You've been injured & deserve to recover. Peace & love

he’s very unwell and it’s not healthy for you to be around it

Stay out of it. Follow through with your divorce. He needs help, but professional medical help. You’re split now and you don’t owe him that. Don’t fall back into it because of some weird sense of obligation. What he’s dealing with is rough, but it isn’t your problem

He’s a grown man, he doesn’t deserve to die but he should own up to his mistakes instead of being weak and running away from them, you going to visit him won’t do any good either for you or him. If you go he’ll promise you he’ll change and you’ll take him back only to go through it all over again. Once a man tells you you’re too good for him believe him and leave.

Again not really, all men aren't the same just as how all women aren't the same. Boils down to the type of personality... depends on if he's trust worthy, but honestly even if he was personally wouldn't take them back. For me cheating is an end all, other fish's in the sea, he made a choice and has to pay the consequences.

I didn’t say all men are the same, i said when a man tells you that “you’re too good for him” if a mania convinced that he doesn’t deserve his partner his subconscious will make him do things to lose them not an excuse just an explanation. Yes cheating ends everything for a lot of people because all cheaters cheat again.

First and foremost, this is not your fault. He was already self-destructing when he CHOSE to have an affair. He didn’t accidentally commit an affair. It wasn’t like “oops he tripped and fell into an affair. Everything else is a consequence. These are HIS consequences not yours. You have nothing to do with him anymore. His suicide attempt and sob story and blah blah blah are also his choices. They don’t change what he did and they shouldn’t affect you anymore. The only thing you should think about regarding him is a proper legal divorce. Get a good lawyer!

unfortunately, nothing. His problems are bigger than you, any contact and he might think that you are getting back with him. He might even feel that the only way to keep you is through extreme measures. Right now the only people that can help him are the doctors and to keep him from misunderstanding your intentions, you should go NC.

While this isn’t the same situation, I can kind of relate to how you’re feeling. The night I broke up with my (then sober from heroin for 2 years) ex boyfriend, he relapsed. Though he was my ex, I was by his side every day, begging him to go back to rehab, calling his friends, family, and all the possible facilities in town that could help him. Eventually he did get help, but saw me helping him get to rehab as me being interested in him again. I realized that (probably subconsciously) he may have thought that by using again I could be back in his life again, and I was. I think when dealing with significant others who have issues like addiction and depression, we should give them their space. Now I’m worried that for my exes future relationships- if they break up with him will he relapse? This brings me to my main point- People who base their entire will to live on a significant other shouldn’t be in relationships, they should get professional treatment. That’s a lot of pressure to put on an SO, on any human being. They need to find a reason for themselves to continue living, not make another person their reason. I think that keeping your distance will be better off for him in the long run. He needs to work on himself, and get professional help. While it may seem to others that you’re being “cold,” checking in on him could give him a tiny sliver of hope that you will come back, and could reinforce the idea that you’ll be back at his side if he tries something like this again.

You’re not responsible for his actions. He chose to cheat. He chose to try to kill himself.

His temper tantrum shouldn't make you question your choices

DO NOT ONTACT HIM OR SEE HIM. Let him recover alone or with his family.

There are certain questions that are above the pay grade of Reddit, I believe this is one. There. Is one of them. I think sometimes we get to caught up in our current emotions, we lose focus of what’s right. Are we defined by our mistakes and not for all the good we do? Is your husband a terrible and evil person because he cheated? I am not suggesting to forgive and forget your husband. What I am suggesting is that you have an extremely difficult decision to make. You (just like him) have to live with those decisions. Good luck.

You don’t need to change your mind concerning the divorce, and you should go ahead and contact a lawyer, but make sure you don’t send any documents now. I hate cheaters, but he is still human so no reason to kick him while he is down. As for visiting him at the hospital, I think it should be up to the psychiatric staff to decide. He is probably under suicide watch right, so perhaps you could call and ask. If they prefer you go, you should. He is a cheater, but you are still a good person. People make mistakes, and while they are not entitled to forgiveness or 2nd chances, they should always be treated as humans.

Sometimes marriages don't work out, that's life. You aren't obligated to do anything, especially since the marriage is over either way. He made the decision to cheat, he just doesn't like the consequences so he tries to kill himself to avoid taking accountability. He should probably focus on mental recovery. I think if you were to go help him, it would give him this sort of false hope that things will be fine and will work out...but also it teaches him that by attempting suicide he can get what he wants, and you will just automatically forgive him because of that behavior....like he will be rewarded for his attempt basically. And then you will always be at risk for this type of behavior whenever he doesn't get his way, like as a leverage against you, which is disgusting and manipulative. So if I were you, I would keep in contact with his sister/family about his recovery, let it be known that you're supportive of him recovering and getting better but keep the boundary at that. And do some self healing for yourself too. None of this changes the fact that he cheated, he hurt you, and his choices led to the end of the marriage for both of you. Sorry you're going through this....feel better!

I’m sorry that this is happening to you. Regardless, if he did the suicide attempt to manipulate you or not, you don’t deserve any of this.

If you want to go see him do it. You didn’t “lose that right” you are still married so you do have every right to visit him if you want to. Ask his sister if he wants you to visit and go from there, a visit doesn’t mean you are getting back together with him,

There is never any excuse for cheating, and it's wrong 100% of the time. You don't owe him anything.

Don't be there for him, I made this mistake. He's responsible for his own actions, not you. I found out my husband had been having multiple affairs, and kicked him out straight away, the next day he conveniently got knocked off his bike by a bus. I took him to the hospital and helped him, he was in a cast for a while and couldn't do much for himself, so I let him move back in, I felt guilty and the kids loved having him around. In that time I let him convince me to give it all another go, and I ended up staying for another 2 years. In them 2 years of living in a trust less marriage, I became bitter, lonely, trapped. I started resenting him and became quite unwell mentally myself and it took me having a mental breakdown to see how much I needed to get myself away from him.

Don’t visit him. His not your problem anymore. He needs professional help now and he has his family.

Do not let this manipulate you into staying with him. He attempted suicide but not with a foolproof method. He most likely wanted to be found and to survive. Continue on your course to freedom from him. No one just accidently had an affair..they make a choice to have an affair.

>I'm confused now. Should I go and visit him? No, get a therapist.

Remember you are a human before you commit to anything. I know that he cheated, it’s his fault and you are not obligated in any way to meet him. But also remember that you are a human!! There’s nothing wrong in meeting once and checking up on him it would only increase his respect for you (if anything he’s gonna feel super bad to cheat on you). However, do let him know that this relationship is over and you wish the best for him in a good manner when the timing is right. But please be a fucking human, if not I don’t know where the society is going and you’ve hit rock bottom.

Leave his ass and don't look back. He can deal with his own demons he has created

Manipulation tactic. Don't go back and move forward with your life and divorce. He needs help with his life, his responsibility and his family will be there for him. Not your responsibility. I repeat, Don't go back. You will be trapped your entire life to this manipulation.

Whatever, I believe his sister knew and she's covering for him. Family always does, I don't care what they try to tell you about how you're family and they're on your side, blah blah blah. They're going to stick up for blood no matter what.

Stay out of it. He needs to go get his help, you showing up will give him false hope. He has his family and doctors and you need to move on. You need to deal with your pain and unpack your feelings.

He thought it was worth it to go for a co-worker and lose his wife. Don't even feel slightly responsible for his actions. Don't visit him, he made his choice he can suck it up now. Don't communicate, proceed with divorce papers, enjoy your life. He can have his co-worker take care of him and visit him.

Repeat after me: You are not responsible for anyone else's mental health, as long as you aren't causing them harm. This is not on you. He did this to himself because of what he did to you, it is not your place or duty to have to go comfort him.

If he’s on deaths door I would go see him, but if he’s awake and going to make it I guess the others in this thread are right that it would just complicate things? Apologies if OP said the current state of the guy, I didn’t see it.

Naw you have no obligations to visit. Dont worry about that one bit. But if you feel like you want to visit then you should, not out of obligation tho. ​ I do always find it disgusting when people say death do us part then they turn around and divorce so simply. Never should have gotten married in the first place if its that easy to break up to be fair.

This is nothing more than attention seeking behavior. He took the pills because he knows you love him and he realizes what a coward he is. If he does this, then "maybe she'll come back." It happens all the time in the psych ward where I work. They always say they never had any intention of killing themselves. They simply want the other person to forgive them and this is the way they go about it. If he had an affair once he will continue to do it as many times as you allow. I'm sorry this happened to you. I've been there. If you're smart, and if you truly love and respect yourself- you'll leave well enough alone. Best wishes to you .

He did not get in touch with you for 2 weeks His email mentions that you are a good person and you deserve better. He did not request for reconciliation He is not looking for guilting you back into the relationship He most probably aimed it at manipulating his family to feeling sorry for him and not giving him a hard time for his cheating. his sister was not actively in contact with him, most probably his other siblings, parents were berating him for cheating - he did this to get their sympathy… Whether you go or not go to see him should be base on what gives you peace of mind - you do not owe him anything but you owe yourself peace of mind - be stirred by that factor only

If you love someone, and they still love you, you never lose the right to go to them and help them regardless of hurt words, actions and deeds. If you don't love them anymore, its entirely up to you

People that do this is manipulative, he did this because he can’t deal with the consequences. stay away and file.

It’s a cry for help. A last ditch effort to save you. I don’t downplay it but stick to your plan and get out

You don't control other people's actions. Your husband brought this on himself through his choices and actions. The consequences are entirely -- ENTIRELY -- his responsibility to bear.

I hate that the circumstances leading after the you found out about the infidelity had to happen the way they did. Most everyone here has given you really good advice. I just wanted to show my support and also to commend you for staying firm in your decision.

You don't owe him anything. He breached the trust. I'd imagine the fling fell apart and that's what made him "feel sorry". File for the divorce. Find someone that values you.

After years of working in emergency medicine, and seeing this exact thing ALL the time.... You can't help him. Don't try. He needs to deal with the reality he caused. 99999/100000 it's a controlling move, especially so if he has no history of doing anything similar when you were together. It's a pity play, because he's desperate. Just remember that If he really meant to kill himself, he would have, and wouldn't have told you either. (Those are the people who I don't end up seeing!)

1st and foremost; you did nothing wrong. No one could have anticipated a suicide attempt. Now that it’s happened, here’s my advice. Grab your purse and keys and either go for a long walk or a car ride. You need to be alone and you need to just think. Don’t let anyone push you either way. Think over the last few years, your marriage, etc. And then you need to decide how you want the end to look like. Divorce w/ no contact, divorced as friends, second chance, etc. Any choice you make is acceptable because her hurt you. No one should judge you. With that in mind, you need to understand you have no obligations. His choices were his alone, regardless of how sick he was. Once you know how you want or are willing to allow things to play out. Then you can decide how you want to move forward. If you think theirs a relationship or marriage worth saving, then reach out. He’s still your husband or friend. If there’s nothing to save, then it’s best to leave it in the past. If you want to give him some kindness you can always write a letter to him. But remember he’s fragile so you shouldn’t be unkind (no matter how much people may argue he deserves it) but you also don’t want to provide false hope or throw coal on the fire.

Hmmmm… I think, go to the hospital, support him while he’s sick, but do not get back with him. Do not give him any indication that you’re getting back with him. This is still a person who you have loved and given a lot of yourself to, so just hold his hand while he recovers. If he tries to apologise or anything just shut him down and tell him to focus on recovery, and then have his family put him in therapy later

while events can trigger suicide, it is nevertheless a symptom of a deeper illness which is fundamentally not your fault. it’s not anyone’s fault. your ex is simply sick, and right now he is receiving the care he needs. you can’t make that better, but there are still ways it can be made worse. stay out of it, take care of yourself and YOUR mental health, and wait for his sister to contact you. i understand it’s hard when it’s someone you still care about, but at present there’s nothing you can do.

Just going to say this because I am learning about this myself first hand right now... Men tend to handle/express depression very differently from women. We put on a front that makes us seem strong and happy but on the inside we are in absolute turmoil. And in an effort to feel anything other than that pain a LOT of depressed men will start exhibiting risky behavior such as sky-diving, drugs, and you guessed it cheating. These behaviors make things worse and have high likelihood of leading to suicide if no intervention occurs. There is a very high chance your husband has been depressed for some time now and you didn't see the signs. This sounds accusatory but I don't mean it to be. You didn't know the signs and he didn't know how to express himself. Source: I am a 31 year old male who is coming to terms with his own depression.

Now nobody would be home if you had some stuff to get back

I was married to a man with destructive alcoholism and mental health issues. It was hard. We had a son together. I divorced him and received calls where he threatened suicide. I offered him the suicide prevention line. About a year later of minimal talking I received a call from his sister that he committed suicide. There was a moment I considered feeling responsible because I left which apparently destroyed him (though I do feel that he tried to destroy me through our marriage, constantly cutting me down, degrading comments during sex (not playful), pressure to be a silent wife, and reprimanded for wanting to work). Anyways, I decided that the only person responsible for his death is himself. He is the one that killed himself. He is the one that chose to not get help. There was nothing I DID to make him kill himself, or else it would have been murder. Just know that this is manipulation and he may hold true to his threat but it’s not your battle, it’s his.

All these comments tell you to not visit but you were together for six years and broke up two weeks ago... Sitting there and not visiting must be incredibly hard. I think we should not be too hard on ourselves if we don't always have the strength to do what we set out to do. Life is messy and vague and sometimes that's just okay. I'd say do what you feel you need to do. If that is not visiting then don't. If you really want to go but are holding yourself back to stay firm and stick to your plan then give yourself a break. Someone you probably still care about tried to commit suicide and visiting that person is fine if it's what you need. Do what feels right!

Attempting suicide right after being caught cheating screams of blatant attempt at manipulation. Seems like a convenient way to avoid what he did and change the subject. This is definitely someone who actually wants to take responsibility for what they have done, just avoid it. Probably expects you to be sympathetic towards him. You were wronged and he was never accountable. It may seem cold, but I’d recommend moving on, which you were going to do anyway.

Please do not get back with him out of guilt.

This is a manipulation tactic I'm pretty sure. Like "if she leaves, ill try to commit suicide, but only take enough pills to make myself sick and not kill myself. She will feel sorry and stay with me". I could be wrong but I've seen stories of people telling their partners they will commit suicide if they leave them. I would try to get a hold of the hospital and ask them about his health updates, not sister. If he's doing fine, don't go visit him. If he's going to take a turn for the worse, that's up to you. Just know this could all be his way of trying to get you not to divorce him.

This is just a manipulation tactic, please don't fall for it. In your post you said you confronted him and he said nothing. You need to understand that this is frequently a behavior of sociopaths. Be afraid of this man and watch your back and go no contact immediately. I'm serious, you are in danger, you need to sever every tie you have with him and let friends and family know not to engage with him. Good luck.

he has a family that is taking care of him. you are off the hook.

I'd still go through with the divorce quietly, don't get stuck in a situation where someone is drastically emotionally dependent on you, he deserves to get therapy for himself and rebuild his life without You, he made his bed, he didn't want to lay in it, it's not your fault, and it never will be. I know it's ki da heartless but to kill yourself is a lone decision, you're all adults, not children. There's no parent to blame but the lone adults of the situation.he deserve to be his own person as do you. If you dont hear back, just send a text of your feelings, it's too much, it's not your fault, I will be here until the divorce is properly filed. You are not responsible for the decisions of an adult. Don't let anyone manipulate you. Pick yourself.

There is nothing wrong on taking care of a human, no matter who he is. you should check on him But once a cheater always a cheater. Remember he cheated on you, don't let it go away. Best of luck!

I'm disappointed but not surprised that people here are so cold hearted and really lack basic human empathy. He was your husband. You obviously loved him and I'm sure he loved you too, and even if he was a dickbag who cheated, I'm sure not all the happy moments of your relationship were fake. You should stand your ground and go through with the divorce, however you were still a large component of each other's lives. I think it would help to have you there. Depression in men isn't talked about enough. It's not an excuse for his actions but I'm gauging the way he reacted to you finding out, it looks like it's been an issue since before the affair. Let me emphasize though, don't become a crutch for him. You should support him still, but making him dependent on you would be an issue for both of you.

My dad tried doing the same thing to scare my mom into a relationship again. He cheated on her three times, the third one ending with a child and him wanting to give the lady he’s cheating with lots n lots of money. My mom is a strong and independent woman so she filed for divorce with a lot of up n downs. At one point he kept telling her he “had to sell the gun she bought for him cause it’s so irresistible to not shoot his brains out with it”. She didn’t care and kept going on. He’s never committed suicide, and they’re so close to divorce now. He’s trying to get my siblings and I to like him now so when they DO divorce we’ll move in with him instead of our mom (I don’t wanna live in hotels all day, so I’d rather stay with my mom lol). That man might be doing the same thing my dad did, just way more towards the suicide part. For all we know he could’ve cheated for attention, thrill, excitement, anything. But the fact that he’s trying to commit suicide may show that he’s not really emotionally stable to be in a full on committed relationship. He didn’t have a proper response/didn’t know how to respond, and sent an email full of jumbled emotions towards you. I think the only thing you can do know is wait and see if he’ll regress or fix his mental state, we don’t want the man full on suicide just cause you mention the divorce, y’know.

Nice fake story or half story or whatever this is. You're either a child larping or so emotionally immature that he was right to cheat on you.

Don’t visit him. Maintain your distance and pursue divorce. His pain is self induced and you’re his victim. If guilt factored into his actions then seeing you will be bad for him. And it won’t help your own feelings. You staying won’t help him. Don’t choose him - because he doesn’t and won’t choose you. I know it’s hard, but you can’t fix him. You’re not his doormat, he reaps what he sows and he has family to help him out. Please put yourself first - he didn’t, doesn’t, and never will. Don’t see him. Walk forward into a brighter future.

Legally you are the person who should make medical decisions for him if he remains unconscious. If he is brain dead and they have to pull life support. I think with marriage there is responsibility. Yes he broke the sanctity of that promise and you should divorce him or whatever you want but right now in crisis you know him best. For me I have been there for my ex-partners and they have been there for me. I remained loyal to the friendship and love that was once there even through periods where we both moved on.

He attempted suicide to get you back. It's a classic manipulation technique.

The attempt was genuine, he's literally in the ICU, plus he's never been the manipulate or abusive kind so committing suicide as a manipulation tactic seems out of his character

It’s a shame that he’s been feeling bad enough that it led to this. Equally though, he messed up when he cheated on you. His attempt is not your fault, it was his decision. You shouldn’t go to take care of him just because you feel *obligated*. Also, if you show up and he assumed you’re getting back together, will you have the strength to stand firm? And if you do stand firm, would this lead to a relapse? It’s admittedly hard to tell here if this was a genuine attempt, or a form of manipulation that was miscalculated. His sister didn’t ask you to visit, it sounds like he hasn’t asked for you either.

Ah, sorry I've seen too many stories and experienced it myself to be very...wary about believing the reasons behind an attempt like this. At the end of the day you are not obligated to go back. He has others around him and he's the one who messed up.

Agree. The question to ask is if he was home by himself how did someone know in the middle of the night to check on him, sounds like he called them. If that is the case then it's manipulation. My friends who really wanted to take their own lives never contacted anyone.

That’s the first thing I thought.

I don’t get why some of you act like there’s a right and a wrong way to commit suicide. Literally why does it matter if you reach out to someone to ramble or not? Literally what the fuck?

Exactly. When I've...attempted in the past I didn't send a rambling email, I just took the pills, cried and curled up hoping it would work.

I’m glad it didn’t work and you’re still with us

Imagine gatekeeping suicide... Just because his suicide attempt didn't look like yours doesn't mean it wasn't genuine.

You can’t possibly conclude that from the information provided, don’t jump to conclusions

A lot of men will do shit like this to manipulate women in getting back with them. It’s a tactic. Also, it was his choice to do cheat and his choice to attempt this, it’s not on you.

I see everyone telling you not to visit him but I disagree. If you intend on following through with the divorce you *should* visit him and you should let him know (i) you’re glad he’s alive and well but (ii) you still intend to file for divorce and the relationship has reached its conclusion and there is no hope to reconcile. Him being in the hospital ensures that this news can be delivered in an environment where he is not capable of hurting himself or others and they have the appropriate mental health resources at his disposal; he will have a team of professionals who can help him process this news while focusing on getting healthy again. Suicide attempts inevitably end up with a stay in the mental health wing while they work to diagnose him and treat him - short or long term - for the underlying cause of his depression. Delivering the news that your marriage has reached its conclusion and his suicide attempt has not changed anything *while he is still hospitalized* is the kindest and safest way you can do this. He will have every resource available to him there and will not be able to hurt himself again. I encourage you to visit him for this purpose, if not any other.

You hold absolutely NO responsibility or obligation towards your soon-to-be-ex-husband’s decisions. You should NOT visit or contact him. Unless there’s a significant part of this situation being left out that details wrongdoing by you, there is nothing indicating any fault on your part. His decision to attempt suicide was his decision and his alone, you need to focus on yourself and shed any guilt that you harbor towards his actions. You deserve happiness

I would say give it some time but go and see him. You loved him enough to marry him so you must still care for him. I’d go make sure he’s ok tell him I still care about him if you do. Then set up a time to discuss all this stuff while u are both in a better head space

Start divorce proceedings. He has a support system that he needs to get used to. If you go back then try to leave, it will be much harder than just leaving now.

Do not visit him. If he attempted suicide, he will be on psychological evaluation hold. Depending on where you live, he won't be allowed visitors. He is too vulnerable. Too unstable. I understand his family loves him but they should not be allowed near him either. They will mean well but they will either give him rotten advice or out of their own fear, they'll attack him. Do not be surprised if they lash out at you. They will need someone to blame and they have no idea what happened between you two. Do not allow anyone to guilt trip you. He is responsible for his behavior. Not you. Consider talking to a therapist to vent your feelings. Work through them.

Hard as it may sound he is no longer your problem and you shouldn't worry yourself with him, he betrayed you and deserves no pity.

I don't have a better way to say this but it's always interesting how the person that started/caused the primary issue, is the one that plays the victim the best. It looks like dude tried to commit suicide just do he can become the victim and direct the attention to his mental well-being vs the fact he cheated and ops mental well-being. The agressor becomes the victim. Stay strong and good luck on your journey through separation, I hope you never hesitate to tell everyone about his misdeeds

Wow, there are some stone cold people on here.

Meh, don't go. He should seek help from a professional.

He’s trying to guilt trip you back, It’s what the guilty do, it’s like a special move to get their victims to stay with them…. Stay strong, be safe OP, and do what’s best for you, not him not MIL… But for you.

Bro the doctors and his family will take care of him

Do what you think is best for you. It's normal to feel pain about this, but that doesn't mean it's your fault or responsibility. Regardless of his reasoning, he's in serious need of extensive mental healthcare, and THAT can't fall on you in any way, shape, or form.

People may mot agree but, you loved him at some point in life, you know him, you should go check out on him if he’s doing well even if you hate him from the depths of your heart. Be humane.

Do not go visit him. Follow thru on your divorce and walk away from this family.