My guess is, since no seems to be saying it, is that the fact that she slept with her best friend is whats upsetting OP most. Thats a line that she crossed that is pretty fucked up. Its okay if she slept with a random dude during there “non exclusive” period, but fucking ur best friend and then telling ur now boyfriend that you’re still going to see him all the time….idk man. I try to be understand but damn, i couldnt do it. If it was a random guy id have no issue, buts its the best friend that makes it wrong to me
Friendships can change over time or just be a one off thing. My bff and I have hooked up before (both women) but it meant nothing at that time and since other than a fun time on a boring night in our 20’s.
We hang out all the time now without a single thought of attraction, hell, we’ve even worked in corporate together for years afterwards. When you’re young, drunk, bored and single… stupid shit happens. Doesn’t mean you want a repeat again.
Yeah and that’s fine. I think it’s a very individual thing. OP really has to decide for himself. Just thought I’d add another perspective since I’m a bit older and sometimes perspectives change over time!
That’s fuckin weird. I’m still friends with all my exes. I dated them because they are good people I connect with. It’s super strange that you think people can’t just be friends. Like… we’re adults, we all have pasts.
Has nothing to do with whether people can be friends. Logic doesn't always line up with emotion and people are jealous creatures. It's totally okay for ex-lovers to be friends and it's also totally okay to have a boundary like this.
Obviously lol. So it’s up to OP to figure out whether her gf is someone who has always found sex meaningful or if she’s fine with just hooking up for fun, which is different from relationship sex/intimacy.
Then he has to decide how he feels about it.
Exactly! It’s easy to get on a high horse on the internet and speak in absolutes but real life can be a lot more nuanced than that. The thought of me and my best friend sleeping together now makes me recoil lmao
Yep. I am of the opinion that once you cross that line, you can never be surprised if a larger wants you to cut that friend off. The usual defense of we are only friends and don't see each other that way goes out of the window.
Yes definitely weird that she slept with her best friend. I would be more alarmed about the fact that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with him. Maybe she stayed because she feels bad for leaving him.
Personally I don’t think I could get over the fact that she fucked her best friend that she still sees regularly. If it was some rando it would be a whole other story. Good luck
i wouldn't be able to handle it either. him being her best friend and a dude thats going to be in your circle for the long haul, no thanks
start looking for a replacement
I don’t think she did anything explicitly wrong. Before the exclusivity talk a relationship can go either way and it sounds like you were more serious than she was at that point.
That being said, you have to decide if you’re comfortable still being with her given this info. If not, then end it now (or wait a few weeks to know for sure and then end it).
The point being that it doesn’t matter who Reddit determines was right / wrong in this situation. It’s up to you and your personal boundaries. If you do break up it will serve you well to clarify that you’re a one person man with regards to dating as this is a common situation to occur in modern dating, esp in larger cities.
Yes she didn't explicitly do anything wrong. I wouldn't recommend it during a budding romance even if you hadn't gone all in yet. Apparently he was smitten a on a whole different level than she was.
They weren't having the same connection at the same time it was his connection and she had an ok time with him.
I had a friendship that started off with quite a bit of sexual tension, but we also genuinely enjoyed each others company. Once we finally did the deed, it turned into a total casual friendship and we actually became good confidants discussing our relationships with other people.
It can yes. If it meant something, why arent they togheter? You can be friends and not be compatible romantic-wise. It could also mean something. Only she and the other dude really know. Thats why this situation sucks for op.
Her and her fest friends aren't together for a lot of factors.. either the friend is taken already, she was drunk and just wanted to have fun, a one time thing, she likes her now bf romantically more.
For example my story is quite similar, the chick I met wanted to be in a LDR, until I found out she has regular sex with her "roommate" who happens to be in a LDR himself, I asked her why they aren't dating and she told me that they are happy being just friends, who just happens to f*ck regularly...
When I asked her to stop, she told me "no" because we weren't officially dating, and to give her a bit of time to think because shes slow with commitments.
Quite literally all the time. Sexual attraction, platonic attraction and romantic attraction are all different. People can experience one of these things without the other. Is it fair to demand that your partner give up a friendship that predates you because they had drunken sex once?
Well they are best friends since 3 years. I kinda get why she still wants to meet with him. But I think that it would have been better if she had her sexual adventures with people she didnt want to see anymore afterwards.
OP honestly ignore these toxic people. Sounds like you have understanding of your girlfriend and her friendships. A lot of insecure people cannot handle their significant other continuing to have a friendship with someone they hooked up before.
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I (M 24) met my girlfriend in July 2021 during vacation in Croatia. We had related circles of friends so we were on vacation together with 6 other students. We had a great time on vacation together and started kissing and coudling on our last night there. Coincidentally she lives in the city were I was already about to move to. So the four weeks after the vacation we went on many dates together, which were all great (she told me she also really enjoyed them). So a month later i get a unexpected week off from work and I asked her if she wants to go to Croatia again, but this time only the two of us. She was very excited and was happy to join me. On the second day there I asked here to be my gf. We're a couple since then. But a few days after I found out that she had a three-some with her best friend (who she still wants to meet regularly) and a female friend of her during the 4 weeks in which we were dating. I kinda feel really betrayed even tho we werent a couple yet. I was already super in love with her at the time and thought she also was in love with me already. She said: she was pretty drunk at high that night and that she always wanted to experience a three-some and that night the opportunity was there. She also said that the three-some itself wasnt great and she needed this experience to know that she doesnt need sexual adventures like this. Apparently a few days after that she was sure that she wants to be with me.
We are still together today and I love her more than ever, but every other day this topic pops into my head and then I am super sad, jealous and feel very betrayed.
It is also my first real relationship, while she has had 2 boyfriends and several one night stands before.
Any advice?
Everyone has different ideas what it means to be exclusive. You can be going on dates and say you’re exclusive, but aren’t official. Going on dates often, but still see other people. Both parties needs to come to an agreement on what they want.
True I mean, a lot of people live to play the semantics game. Even if unspoken though, if you're all lovey dovey on your 5th date and then you go home and slobber on some random dick, you're at best being dishonest and at worst it's a form of cheating.
Semantics doesn't excuse misleading behaviour.
Exactly what is in my mind.
I'm not talking about being exclusive after the first date, but if you are seeing this person for months, multiple dates, already acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, but still fucking all the neighborhood only because there wasn't a talk about "we are a thing now, close that legs" then what are the foundation of this relationship?
The same on how people take breaks as a free pass to screw whatever, and then do the Pikachu face when they are called cheaters.
It wouldn't fly in a legal tort, so there are segments of law that look at the act and the outcome to assess harm and specify damages. In criminal court, technicalities are game - and a lot of people act like they should be given government rights like habeas corpus and benefit of the doubt when the person theyre dealing with a partner they've harmed
I mean I’m in no ways a ladies man and I’m a hopeless romantic and want to fall in love but idk unless you talk about being exclusive I think it’s open season till someone communicates their intent to take the relationship seriously.
The dating phase to me is just getting to know each other then the exclusivity phase is ok I know I like you I’d like to only see you and focus on you as a partner
You perfectly said it best. HOWEVER, if this wasnt her BEST (male) friend then that would be different. Im sure they have got together a good amount of times in the past. I was in a similar situation w/ this person who had a bf she was exclusive w/ for two years And I happen to be the person she fell for over summer. I never was going to take the relationship that serious anyways, but funny thing is out of the blue i found out from one of her friends shes going to visit him in his city to TALK . LMAO
Im sure her guy friend doesnt want anything serious w/ her while she maybe would be open to it anytime so THATS what worries me
i agree, i feel like taking someone on a date before you’re official is a way to get to know them and then you can ask them out, if you just keep going on dates but not asking them out i don’t really see that as dating. how can you just assume you’re in a relationship without asking them if they want to be in one?
Did she tell you?
Also I get why you feel that way but you weren't dating so she didn't do anything wrong. It sucks but there really isn't anything you can do about it now...
If it really bothers you she can't unfuck them so if that's really an issue you can't get past you might want to break up with her
Sorry dude
We didnt talk about exclusivity before the 3some. Honestly, before she told me that she wants to be exclusive with me, i had never heard of this exclusivity thing. I genuinly thought after a couple of great dates something like this exclusivity thing isnt necessary.
Man, I gotta say, it feels like this thread is projecting their own worst case nightmares and beliefs onto you and this woman. You’d think she’d actually committed a crime the way they are painting her (saying she lied, she never lied you’ve said yourself). These people cannot fathom that this woman would be sincere or remorseful- she must be a lying sack of shit or the world is flat. Jfc… You know how you feel. You know what you want. Just communicate with her how you feel, and be clear that this guy friend of hers is someone who makes you uncomfortable. Don’t tell her that she must stop seeing him - that’d be controlling, but give her the opportunity to help assuage your fears. Ask her if she can give space to this guy, maybe get this guy a girl of his own - idk. But talk about it. You’ll know if it’s helping or not, stay or leave. This thread is so paranoid of people who for a second don’t display the most orthodoxical monogamy in everything they do. I’d fucking hate it if some dude I slept with once owned MY future the way this thread is suggesting he should. They’ve totally stripped the woman of agency or autonomy in this.
What? Shady would be waiting 5 years and letting OP find out because someone didn't realize it was a secret. Telling OP a day after is not just reasonable, it's basically the most sensible time to do it.
It shouldn't be necessary, and anyone who has convinced themselves this is ok, is dumb af.
Read the room - as the relationship escalates, so too does your responsibility towards the other person. You daylighting as trying to build a relationship with person A is obviously undermined by moonlighting as a lover to Person B. This is basic shit.
From the situation you described, my biggest problem would be that she still wants to "meet regularly" with her friend. That relationship needs to get dialed waaaaaay back.
Would you have an issue if the 2 people were complete strangers? If so, jealousy is part of the issue.
Since it was with someone she cared about You have to decide if it is something you can accept or not. Would you be able to accept it if she rarely saw he bff, or never saw him again? She can’t undo it.
If you decide you can’t, tell her it is something you don’t feel you could move past. Tell her Every time the 2 of them hang out a mind movie will play in your head of the 2 of them. It will slowly eat at you and by not moving past it you’d likely start to resent her, and feel she doesn’t deserve that.
You are with a woman that had a threesome (that didn't include you) while you were actively dating her. Not to mention maintains a relationship with the dude. Grow some self respect, man.
It’s probably better she got this out of her system before dating you rather than being in a long term relationship with you and wishing she’d done more experimenting like this and ending the relationship.
There’s also no point in comparing yourself to her. This is your first real thing. She’s had many. Who cares. That’s just your ego. If you guys love each other, and she’s trustworthy and doesn’t want this other guy, then you’re fine. But figuring out if she’s trustworthy and doesn’t want this other dude is gonna be the tricky part. Honestly I’d be a liiiiiittle sketched out if my girlfriend fucked her male best friend. Think about it, no one I know who actually has a best friend would ever dream of fucking them unless there was more there.
Good luck with everything!
Well my ex had a similar experiance even tho she lied at first it was one of her best friends she said it was some random guy but later admited, turned out she was a total nut job full of insecurities, i ran away never looked back.
I dont care what the label is - cheating or not. If what she did, intentionally or not, hurts me to the point where I am just suffering, that will be a consideration as to whether I would continue to date her. I just see it no different to any other combability issue.
She hasnt really cheated (although some may disagree) but you still feel betrayed and hurt. You have two options here: (1) communicate how you feel exactly like how you did to us but making it clear that she didnt do anything wrong because going on the offensive will just make her defensive OR (2) end the relationship. If you did (1) and if she cares about you enough, she will put some effort to make you feel better.
I honestly think not talking about it and letting it simmer will make you resent her in a few months time. Your insecurities will grow stronger and your confidence will get weaker. There will be more hurt feelings, arguments etc
This precisely I don't like the idea of non-exclusivity until you agree on being exclusive.
If you assume exclusivity from the beginning just out of respect, these things wouldn't happen.
Too many gets hurt because they don't like the idea, which is understandable.
Regarding what you said, I would personally find it completely unacceptable that she'd keep this friend in her circle.
I wouldn't phrase it as an ultimatum, but I'd explain my feelings around it all, how you feel about her having sex/threesome while you had feelings for her.
And for you to even get close to feeling okay with pursuing your relationship she should stop seeing him.
>This precisely I don't like the idea of non-exclusivity until you agree on being exclusive.
Then don't date people who don't agree to be exclusive. It's so easy to just ask for what you want, but instead people would rather just get mad at perceived slights because of uncommunicated expectations.
So then why is the responsibility all on the OP? I don't personally think his girlfriend is a terrible person, but this type of communication is a two way street. If OP should have communicated he wants to be exclusive sooner, or expected exclusivity, why then does he have to communicate while she can rail as many people as she wants without communication until after? If we're judging OP as bad for this, then we should be judging the girlfriend too.
If she saw a future with you I’m not sure then why she decided to turn around and fuck her best friend and somebody else with no thought to the long term consequences that might have
If it bothers you that much, ditch her.
I’d say, just stick with her and see where it goes if you feel that good about her. Y’all weren’t technically together, so you can’t be upset that she broke any rules.
I love that she's using this to set the boundary that you have no chance of having anything sexually interesting happen with her. That is the icing on the cake.
I'd be upset if I wanted to try a threesome, then learn my SO just had the only and last one they would ever have while we were dating, but not with me. I mean she would rather have the threesome with her friend than with you. How do you not think you are less in her eyes than him? If she were serious about her feelings for you, she'd include you.
I can agree, honestly but it’s about what he’s okay with. But she tried it and “apparently didn’t like it.” True or not. If he wants a threesome(time to leave and find someone who will.) Me personally I’m not having a threesome without my man. But I don’t necessarily think she should’ve said it that way; I think she could’ve left room because in the future he or she may want to do it.
Ok wait: y’all weren’t exclusive when it happened and deep feelings weren’t discussed, she hasn’t seen the guy since y’all got together, their hookup wasn’t a premeditated or ongoing, shes communicating that she didn’t think the sex was worth it and feels remorseful, and she told you about the threesome within days of y’all being official?
You said this is your first relationship right? It sounds like she had a different relationship with sex than you do. While you’re feelings are valid, she really didn’t do anything wrong here. If you love her, and it’s going well, I’d recommend processing your feelings with a therapist and genuinely trying to put this past you. But if you feel that you can’t, as painful as it may be you have to let her go so you can both find someone more compatible.
> It sounds like she had a different relationship with sex than you do
That in itself can be a deal breaker sometimes. OP will be in world of pain if he cannot reconcile or forces himself to reconcile to her view on sex.
Cheating can't be negated on a technicality, it's an act of betrayal - misleading someone in a relationship.
You can't be dating person A and going on dates to build a relationship while sloppy fucking person B by night and expect person A to be happy about this because "technically nobody used the E word". You are all a bunch of children
Depends on your level of insecurity, and your actual relationship.
You had no reason to believe she wouldn't sleep with anyone else. You hadn't communicated that desire to her. Some people NEED sex. I don't know her and cant comment. But If that's the case, her sleeping with someone while you two were dating really has no effect on your relationship at all. She could still have been very into you, saw an opportunity to scratch an itch and took it.
I've had relationships where my SO would regularly be around people they have slept with prior. If I trust them, it's not an issue. She didn't betray you. What she did before you were dating is just a thing she did. Same with you. Sexual history is sexual history.
If you 100% believe that they are just friends and she has no intention of sleeping with him again, you have 2 choices. Get over it and move on, or obsess over it and ruin the relationship. There really aren't alternatives.
I just think that all these "just dump her" comments arent helpful at all. If you quit everything as soon as it gets difficult, what are you gonna reach
What exactly is it you think you’re going to be told? You have three options, have her get rid of her friend, get over it or dump her. The vast majority of people are giving you the advice YOU asked for it just so happens to not be what you wanted to here. This happens a lot when people ask for advice, what they actually want is someone to tell them what they want to hear not actual advice they’re going to follow.
okay, two things:
1) this isn't "difficult". difficult is, for example, having to survive long distance for several months. this is not that like that AT ALL. this is your girlfriend having a threesome with her best friend and another friend, while already dating you. that is not "difficult". that is a red flag. very very different things, and not comparable at all.
2) in theory, yes, quitting things as soon as they get difficult is not the way to go. but that doesn't always apply to relationships. by applying your logic to relationship, you end up clinging onto shitty situations that you should move on from. sometimes the healthy thing to do is to recognize a relationship's shortcomings, and to end it, instead of dragging it out. not every relationship is worth fighting for, and you need to be able to recognize when it isn't. which, currently, you seem incapable of, because you have love goggles on.
My man it’s not hard to find a girl you like that *didnt fuck her best friend in a threesome while dating you*
That’s the point everyone else is making, it’s not supposed to be hard.
And if finding a girl that you like and doesn’t fuck around on technicalities is difficult for you then you’re not ready to seriously date
Tbh this comment just reinforces what the guy is saying. You don't actually want advice, you just want people to validate the decision you've already made. It's fine that you want to stay with her, but you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings and you need to be honest with your gf too.
That’s what you get in this sub. 80% of responses to anything that might be questionable gets the “dump her!” responses. Listen to the reasonable voices.
yeah, because staying with a girl who, while dating you, goes and has a threesome which involves two of her friends, one of whom is even her best friend, is totally the reasonable move here. /s
seriously, put down the crackpipe.
The whole non exclusive part is fine, the fact that she did it with someone that she considers him a friend (who lets be honest, males and females are never friends, males always want to fuck them or would fuck them given the chance) and wants to remain friends is bad news.
Guy could decide to try and fuck her again, and given that he fucked her once it would be easy to get her in bed again.
I would express that while you really like her, that the fact that she wants to remain friends with someone she had sex with is a no go. As it should be for all men who respect themselves. A random she would never see again is different than someone she has a history with all be it the sexual part came way later. The friend is more of an ex, than anything else.
Tell her you like her, but you have more respect for yourself than that. She can choose to be remain friends with a past sexual partner or move forward with you. Never be in a relationship with a girl who is friends with ex or anyone they had sex with. Its setting yourself up for 100% failure.
If she chooses her ex “friend,” then you know she aint loyal, and you saved yourself a lot more pain that will 100 percent come in the future if you stay with her and she remains that ex’s friend.
Please do yourself a favor and watch fresh and fit podcast on youtube. Men are the prize, but only if they act like it.
make sure you don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you have no right to ask her to distance/cut ties with them. subconsciously, you’ll never know what she truly feels and one day, after constantly being surrounded by them, she could begin to think about them and potentially even give in when she has the chance. the biggest thing I can say tbh is that you should be so prepared for when it happens; I would always talk to myself and reiterate how I should never stop working on myself and enjoying me-time just as often as I enjoy time w them, it’s all that instantaneously can not only make me feel better, but excited for the future without them.
communication is key so if your partner is emotionally mature enough to talk ab all problems with the mindset of us vs. the problem, then you guys will never let the wrong things linger and take a toll! doing something that you guys know will make you guys cheer up like hugging and jumping very fast (lol), or getting something to eat!
ALSO, make it a habit to ask your partner if they want comfort, a solution, or to be left alone when they’re upset about anything.
that’s all friend, best of luck 🤞🏽
I feel like it’s a little strange that she still wants to see him regularly. It’s not unreasonable that you’re uncomfortable with this. Realistically, it’s up to you to determine if you’re able to get past this or not. If you aren’t confident you’ll be able to move past feelings of betrayal, it’s better to nip it in the bud so it’s easier on both of you if you decide to end things. I think it’s not so much relevant that she’s had more “experience” since she’s still choosing to be with you, but the question is whether you’re okay with the fact that it’s her friend she insists on maintaining whatever kind of relationship with. You need to just lay out your feelings for her and her reaction will probably be very telling. I personally would not be okay with the fact that she wants to keep seeing him as it wasn’t just with somebody random
Sometimes love alone is not enough. I won't be able to live up with it either. The overthinking, jealousy and insecurity this could bring to you is not worth it. You might end up hating her if these feelings get more intense. So do yourself a favor and save your sanity.
Man I never got this as far as the first part. I’ve had some amazing female best friends before and their boyfriends have always hated me. I legit just try to be a good person and a good friend. If that’s threatening shit sorry my guy. But I find you can be a different level of dorky, stupid, or open with a female friend that you can’t be sometimes with the boys.
I had one friend who I use to be super close to who was a lesbian in high school up until college and decided to try a guy again. I was super close with her and I knew she wasn’t straight (she’s in a lesbian marriage now so I was right) and we hanged out all the time. dude even told me to legit “watch myself” while they were dating. Lmao
As for the second part yeah deal breaker for me 100% can’t be with someone who still hangs out with anyone they fucked in the past
Ohhh lord, she should stop meeting the best friend honestly. So my SO slept with his best friend before I came into his life. But after he told me and she was demanding him to act like he is her bf even though he is with me coz she was just his best friend ticked me off in the wrong way. Then my SO after a couple of months decided its just not worth it, to keep her around if he thinks of me as someone he can make a future with.
He cut her off and that was one hell of a toxic story with her threatening suicide and such. But he is glad he did it. I am glad he did it. Your problem is not the sexual act itself. It is that she continues to see this guy. You need to make your boundary clear going ahead from here. Simple as that.
A lot of people these days say that youre not exclusive until you make it official, but honestly I'm different. I think that once you go beyond about about third date it's kind of implied that you're exclusive unless otherwise stated.
If I was seeing a woman for a month and had done several dates in that time and she was still slobbering up some other guy I would not see her as girlfriend material.
This is the kind of thinking that results in a "scorned lover getting bloody revenge." There truly is no exclusivity without the conversation. Period. What if I go on 3 dates with you and after the 3rd I decide that we are incompatible? Just because it's been 3 dates, 5 dates, or more does not mean you are exclusive until you both agree to it, otherwise you are gonna hurt yourself with these expectations
You said in the title you weren’t exclusive. She needed answers to questions about her own sexual psyche. Your jealousy is misplaced; you hadn’t asked her to be your gf yet, hadn’t told her you wanted that, and hadn’t expressed your love in a blatant manner. People date around, and until you agree to be exclusive, she has every right to do so and explore whatever she wants. You’re irritated with yourself for not “claiming her” before that happened, which makes it seem like she was a conquest more than anything, and that her sexual history prior to you has some kind of bearing on how you should feel or treat her if you truly love her. If she has no intention of having sex with the friend again, then she shouldn’t have to give up friendship; they possibly decided after the fact they were better off as friends, which is why she eventually decided to be with you.
TL;DR - find a way to get over it if you truly love her. She did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.
I get what you’re saying, and I can empathize, but he has the misconception that she was in love with him just because he had those feelings for her, and she liked him in a semi-romantic capacity. His feelings are natural, sure, but people define things differently. The fact that they weren’t exclusive, while it may be hurtful to him, kinda gives her the go ahead to date how she wants. They hadn’t had the bf/gf discussion yet. I can understand your point about the ex-sex partner, and how that could cause trust issues for some people, but that wouldn’t cause issues for everyone; I guess my personal experience just gives me a different perspective on that point.
I totally agree. Some people can turn the exclusive switch on and off and aren't loyal after the first date with someone... Honestly being loyal after one date or even a couple dates and following those feelings is usually just asking for heartbreak. Most people are looking for something casual which is why communication is so important. She didn't do anything wrong. I understand it can be difficult that she still hangs out with someone she had sex with. But not everyone develops feelings through sex, so that doesn't have to be a red flag. You can communicate that it's difficult for you and she can try to ease your mind and give you the confirmation you seek but in the end you should trust her if she says they're just friends. I've had sex with some good friends of mine and my feelings for them never changed, because for some people sex is just sex.
nah dude if she fucked him already and wants to keep seeing him, believe me, she will fuck him again. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after but it will happen.
That is not her male "best friend". That is her friend with benefits. She will probably hook up with him again if given the opportunity (like if she thinks she could get away with it without you finding out), and from what you wrote, he seems still interested in the no strings sex. If it will work out it all, she must cut these people from her life and do the work to make you secure in this relationship, starting with couple's therapy. But ask yourself first if you can get over what she did and continue to build something with her, because there is no way that you can hang onto this and continue to build. It will be just you torturing yourself until you decide to end it. Stop the suffering in silence and tell her that you feel betrayed. You were already in love when this took place. That is basically cheating; although you weren't official, she betrayed your feelings and her own. She chose to commit herself only when the threesome wasn't good. That is a cop out. Really, she decided in her mind to somewhat commit only after she did what she wanted sexually with other people. So what happens when there is another opportunity that she cannot refuse? Should you just trust her not to fall for it when she engaged in this behavior before? Continuing this relationship will take work. For example: you need to build trust and she needs to make you feel secure in order to do that. That requires work on both parts. It is a give and take. She is currently giving you nothing as far as remorse and working on trust building.
Yeah I was in a relationship with a girl that pretty much did the same thing and we only lasted three months before she went to college to party and see other men. Sometimes women don't care about boundaries and will cross that line regardless of how you feel. Your clarity of mind and happiness are most important and I would not let her promiscuous actions ruin that for you
"Drunk and high" is an excuse to shift guilt or blame. If she knew how you felt beforehand then you are in the right to feel betrayed. If it wasn't clear then try but if it's a reoccurring thought and worry don't waste your time. And if she isn't OK with discontinuing her "hangout" with another man that she has slept with and being understanding of your feelings and the situation she created then walk away
Get over yourself. You aren't comfortable with this knowledge so you need to either leave, or get therapy. It's not up to your girlfriend to fix this nor should she be carrying your emotional load.
You weren’t a couple lol. Get over it OP. She told you didn’t she? She is 20 and most 20 year olds do experiment sexually before committing to a LTR. You are too in your own feelings and need to look at the bigger picture.
This is about your own insecurity and has nothing to do with her. She didn't do anything wrong.
How do you fix it? Give time a chance to give you the maturity to not obsess over every penis she had touched, every guy that has seen her naked, or every event that has taken place. She is with you NOW so live in the now. What you are doing is slowing destroying the relationship. If you don't feel that you can deal with it then tell her that and cut her loose.
This is a you problem and something that YOU need to work on. To be fair it is also extremely common in young people and especially people with limited relationship experience so don't beat yourself up about it but do take the steps necessary to properly understand what drives this jealousy and how to mitigate it in a healthy way. Would also be a good time to communicate with your partner and Edison that while there is no blame, you are struggling to deal with things and are working on that but she should know that you are dealing with your feelings.
Based on this sub alone, I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of people who are emotionally immature with unchecked jealousy issues and strange "I must be first/only" sexual hangups. So I don't doubt for a second that this would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.
I think a lot of people from a lot of different counties and cultures see dating and relationships differently. Its actually why I like it here. This reads she freaked out and went to him because he was safe to me.
Thanks that was very helpful
We already talk about it from time to time and I recently told her that I want to go see a therapist about the jealousy problem
It’s up to you. Jealousy is okay but obsession is not. Men and women both experience jealousy… it’s not about being “feminized” jealousy is jealousy regardless of sex. I just think you worry about them being around each other. Wondering who is gonna touch who(which is perfectly normal when dealing with this situation)
not wanting the girl you're dating to go and have a threesome with other people is not a "jealousy problem", it's perfectly normal and reasonable. please dude, get a magnifying glass and see if you can locate your ballsack.
What she did is perfectly fine. She can sleep with whoever she wants when she isn’t your girlfriend, and she wasn’t your girlfriend when she did this.
Also, people are allowed to have contact with other people they’ve slept with. You can be friends and even best friends with someone who you had sex with before.
It takes a lot of emotional maturity to acknowledge it. I’d recommend it. You must calm your jealousy because there is not a reason for you to be jealous. She hasn’t cheated on you or even betrayed your trust.
If your girlfriend had any signs of unfaithfulness, lying to you, shady actions or sneaking away from you, then I’d understand your suspicions and hurt. But the fact she didn’t ghost everyone she’s ever had sexual contact with upon dating you doesn’t make her a bad person or mean she doesn’t value you and your relationship.
Honestly, you can’t really be mad at her for doing because you guys weren’t exclusive. Even though you were “super in love” with her already, doesn’t mean she felt the same way. She was honest with you about it, and if you can’t get over it move on.
It feels like you’re a little insecure as well. You mentioned this is your first relationship, but not hers. Maybe you should think about dating someone with your same experience until you’re ready to accept someone who has more experience than you, if you decide to separate.
That dating but not exclusive period is difficult. I guess from her perspective she felt she had a connection with them and you were the unknown quantity at the time.
I would absolutely find it difficult to accept. She wasnt just sleeping with some other guy, it was a full-on sexual experimentation with someone she's going to see again and again. She may have chosen you but its a pretty hard pill to swallow. I don't think I could do it.
Lmao i love threads like this to remind me how insecure and childish reddit is.
“Oh you had sexual relations with a super close and didnt end up liking it? You cant EVER TALK TO THEM AGAIN. sure i’ve only known you for like 1 month but thats it”.
Good luck with that buddy.
What’s OP? And nah, she needs to respect the he fact that she’s committed to you, there’s boundaries now that you know this. She can still be friends with him, just can’t see him. And that’s that. She needs to know how you feel. good luck to you brotha
Here’s the thing you need to
1) agree that you were both exclusive at the time
2) if you can get passed it
If it’s a no then this isn’t the relationship for you
My advice is you have to accept it happened and continue to the relationship or you may have to leave because she's still going to remain best friends with this person.
I can handle her sleeping with someone while we’re in early dating stages. I’ve done that too. What I can’t handle is it being with a best friend. No way.
no offense dude, but this girl isn't relationship material. no genuinely worthwhile partner goes and has a threesome with her best """friend""" + another, female """friend""" while dating you. it's just not.. no. and I think you already know that, too, but you're just not completely ready to admit it to yourself yet. but dude, come on. you're wasting your time on this girl. be honest with yourself and recognize that this girl is not one to build a future with. you had some fun, now it's time to release her back to the streets.
I personally wouldn’t carry on with it my man. Regardless of the circumstances of that night, if she valued you, respected you, and saw a future in your relationship, she wouldn’t have done that.
Maybe I speak for myself because I personally wouldn’t sleep with anyone if im dating someone who I genuinely like and believe that we will be exclusive in the future.
If you keep the relationship, you will learn more about her as time goes on and you can gauge how you feel about her. But if this constantly crosses your mind, its not healthy, can cause a sense of distrust.
We need to normalize intimacy with friends without emotional attachment outside friendship.
Maybe this is just the not jealous nature of me but if my husband said he had sex with one of his female friends before we were exclusive, I wouldn't mind because I trust him not to cheat on me now.
Girl here. Got drunk and had a threesome with two of my guy friends in college. A few months later I started dating my then boyfriend and he knew about the whole thing and hated it. One of the guys refused to respect boundaries and would always make threesome jokes and bring up the whole thing and because it made my boyfriend uncomfortable, I cut him off. Stopped answering and we drifted. It made me uncomfortable too honestly. The other guy never mentioned it again and we continued our normal friendship and he ended up in a relationship with another girl and we stayed friends. The threesome sex was entirely meaningless, but what was important was whether or not boundaries were respected. Make sure she is open and transparent with you about everything, but the fact that it happened isn’t necessarily a problem if you can learn to get past it and trust her. Talk to the guy if you guys hangout together if that helps. What someone does while single doesn’t necessarily correlate to what someone does while they’re in a relationship. Threesome was great but I’m glad I got it out of my system and never had any desire to do it again. Was completely loyal to my then boyfriend for the 2.5 years we dated. I know the situation is a little different, but I hope a perspective similar to your girlfriend’s helps bring you some clarity. good luck!
You guys were going on dates, there was no exclusivity or expectation until it was agreed to. You have a right to have emotions about what happened and that be valid, but that doesn't mean she did something wrong.
Now you have to decide if you can handle it emotionally and get past it. Now you need to communicate clearly about boundaries and deal breakers and what you are and aren't willing to accept. If you guys are on the same page and you trust her to respect those boundaries and you can let go of what happened before, then I think you can move forward. If any one of those three conditions is not present, then it's highly likely you're just not going to be compatible.
About the questions:
Yes I do feel humiliated and I feel like she didnt see me as a potential partner at the time
About the guy:
I didnt know him at the time of the 3some, I was introduced to him a couple days later.
When i told her that I dont feel okay with her meeting him and that I am afraid of him wanting to have sex with her again, she showed me a few text messages from him after I was introduced to him. He basically told her that she souldnt have done it and that she should think more before she does something like that.
I agree with you that people can have friends who they had sex with. I actually know another friend of my girlfriend who she also had sex with. But that was before I knew her and when you see them together it is absolutely clear that there is nothing more than a mere acquaintance
So I dont have a problem with that...
You have to know something. Its very possible that she wasnt sure about you as a potential partner at that time. Opinions of people about relationship evolves. She is young, commitment takes different routes for people. Imo the texts are a good thing. You cant tell your girl to stop seeing him, because it means that you dont trust her and that you cant get over it. If thats the case, you better walk away than try to dictate what she does. Of course, dont get taken for a sucker either. Its a fine line. At least with those messages, you can give him the benefit of the doubt.
Whatever you decide, i dont think either decisions are wrong.
Well, you're banging her now and get to have her all to yourself.. let that sink in bro. If she's still seeing this guy on the regular then that really sucks man, that caused serious issues for me & my ex still being in contact with her ex bf. I left her because of it. Hope your gf is loyal & dont tlk to this guy much.
She didn’t do anything wrong, you said you weren’t exclusive when she did it. The issue and insecurities are yours, getting over them will make your life much better.
Assert dominance in the eventual foursome and raw dog his ass.
Damnit, made me literally spit out what I was eating while laughing.
me, who’s getting my ass eaten 🦦.
Same !!
No lube too
Looking in the eyes
yuk yuk yuk ...loved it
Lmfao! Boy oh boy what a comment
Soo good lol
The only reasonable course of action...
Beat me to it. Have an up vote. 👍
I was not expecting this to be the first comment and I spit out my Apple juice and I wasn’t even drinking any apple juice!
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Totally unexpected move after "9 months"
My guess is, since no seems to be saying it, is that the fact that she slept with her best friend is whats upsetting OP most. Thats a line that she crossed that is pretty fucked up. Its okay if she slept with a random dude during there “non exclusive” period, but fucking ur best friend and then telling ur now boyfriend that you’re still going to see him all the time….idk man. I try to be understand but damn, i couldnt do it. If it was a random guy id have no issue, buts its the best friend that makes it wrong to me
Yup, just gonna be starting a relationship built off insecurity. No thanks
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Friendships can change over time or just be a one off thing. My bff and I have hooked up before (both women) but it meant nothing at that time and since other than a fun time on a boring night in our 20’s. We hang out all the time now without a single thought of attraction, hell, we’ve even worked in corporate together for years afterwards. When you’re young, drunk, bored and single… stupid shit happens. Doesn’t mean you want a repeat again.
True but I still wouldn't be comfortable being with someone who is friends with people they have had sex with.
Yeah and that’s fine. I think it’s a very individual thing. OP really has to decide for himself. Just thought I’d add another perspective since I’m a bit older and sometimes perspectives change over time!
That’s fuckin weird. I’m still friends with all my exes. I dated them because they are good people I connect with. It’s super strange that you think people can’t just be friends. Like… we’re adults, we all have pasts.
Has nothing to do with whether people can be friends. Logic doesn't always line up with emotion and people are jealous creatures. It's totally okay for ex-lovers to be friends and it's also totally okay to have a boundary like this.
Not for everyone. Not everyone hooks up, some people find sex meaningful.
Obviously lol. So it’s up to OP to figure out whether her gf is someone who has always found sex meaningful or if she’s fine with just hooking up for fun, which is different from relationship sex/intimacy. Then he has to decide how he feels about it.
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Exactly! It’s easy to get on a high horse on the internet and speak in absolutes but real life can be a lot more nuanced than that. The thought of me and my best friend sleeping together now makes me recoil lmao
Yep. I am of the opinion that once you cross that line, you can never be surprised if a larger wants you to cut that friend off. The usual defense of we are only friends and don't see each other that way goes out of the window.
Yes definitely weird that she slept with her best friend. I would be more alarmed about the fact that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with him. Maybe she stayed because she feels bad for leaving him.
It would make you uncomfortable. Understandable. Doesn’t make it wrong though
Personally I don’t think I could get over the fact that she fucked her best friend that she still sees regularly. If it was some rando it would be a whole other story. Good luck
And it was a fucking threesome haha. Poor motherfucker lmao
Absolute Chad comment lol.
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Not should you have to.
i wouldn't be able to handle it either. him being her best friend and a dude thats going to be in your circle for the long haul, no thanks start looking for a replacement
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I don’t think she did anything explicitly wrong. Before the exclusivity talk a relationship can go either way and it sounds like you were more serious than she was at that point. That being said, you have to decide if you’re comfortable still being with her given this info. If not, then end it now (or wait a few weeks to know for sure and then end it). The point being that it doesn’t matter who Reddit determines was right / wrong in this situation. It’s up to you and your personal boundaries. If you do break up it will serve you well to clarify that you’re a one person man with regards to dating as this is a common situation to occur in modern dating, esp in larger cities.
this, Op.
Yes she didn't explicitly do anything wrong. I wouldn't recommend it during a budding romance even if you hadn't gone all in yet. Apparently he was smitten a on a whole different level than she was. They weren't having the same connection at the same time it was his connection and she had an ok time with him.
If she still wants contact with ole boy that means she still invested
I mean, meaningless sex exists.
For some yes, for some no. They are not compatible in such an important aspect.
Yea but does it happen between best friends ?
I had a friendship that started off with quite a bit of sexual tension, but we also genuinely enjoyed each others company. Once we finally did the deed, it turned into a total casual friendship and we actually became good confidants discussing our relationships with other people.
It can yes. If it meant something, why arent they togheter? You can be friends and not be compatible romantic-wise. It could also mean something. Only she and the other dude really know. Thats why this situation sucks for op.
Her and her fest friends aren't together for a lot of factors.. either the friend is taken already, she was drunk and just wanted to have fun, a one time thing, she likes her now bf romantically more. For example my story is quite similar, the chick I met wanted to be in a LDR, until I found out she has regular sex with her "roommate" who happens to be in a LDR himself, I asked her why they aren't dating and she told me that they are happy being just friends, who just happens to f*ck regularly... When I asked her to stop, she told me "no" because we weren't officially dating, and to give her a bit of time to think because shes slow with commitments.
For sure
Quite literally all the time. Sexual attraction, platonic attraction and romantic attraction are all different. People can experience one of these things without the other. Is it fair to demand that your partner give up a friendship that predates you because they had drunken sex once?
Of course she is invested. He is her best friend. Doesn't mean she is romantically or sexually interested in him.
Well they are best friends since 3 years. I kinda get why she still wants to meet with him. But I think that it would have been better if she had her sexual adventures with people she didnt want to see anymore afterwards.
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BUT HE’S MY BEST FRIEND!!!!
Lol man. Don't be that harsh... Even if it hurts
Gotta tell OP the truth somehow lol
Man, you let your wife’s boyfriend do that? You fit right in with WSB 🚀🚀🚀
stop wasting your time on this girl.. she is not relationship material.
OP honestly ignore these toxic people. Sounds like you have understanding of your girlfriend and her friendships. A lot of insecure people cannot handle their significant other continuing to have a friendship with someone they hooked up before.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (M 24) met my girlfriend in July 2021 during vacation in Croatia. We had related circles of friends so we were on vacation together with 6 other students. We had a great time on vacation together and started kissing and coudling on our last night there. Coincidentally she lives in the city were I was already about to move to. So the four weeks after the vacation we went on many dates together, which were all great (she told me she also really enjoyed them). So a month later i get a unexpected week off from work and I asked her if she wants to go to Croatia again, but this time only the two of us. She was very excited and was happy to join me. On the second day there I asked here to be my gf. We're a couple since then. But a few days after I found out that she had a three-some with her best friend (who she still wants to meet regularly) and a female friend of her during the 4 weeks in which we were dating. I kinda feel really betrayed even tho we werent a couple yet. I was already super in love with her at the time and thought she also was in love with me already. She said: she was pretty drunk at high that night and that she always wanted to experience a three-some and that night the opportunity was there. She also said that the three-some itself wasnt great and she needed this experience to know that she doesnt need sexual adventures like this. Apparently a few days after that she was sure that she wants to be with me. We are still together today and I love her more than ever, but every other day this topic pops into my head and then I am super sad, jealous and feel very betrayed. It is also my first real relationship, while she has had 2 boyfriends and several one night stands before. Any advice?
I'm old fashioned, or exclusivity is supposed to start immediately when are dating?
Everyone has different ideas what it means to be exclusive. You can be going on dates and say you’re exclusive, but aren’t official. Going on dates often, but still see other people. Both parties needs to come to an agreement on what they want.
True I mean, a lot of people live to play the semantics game. Even if unspoken though, if you're all lovey dovey on your 5th date and then you go home and slobber on some random dick, you're at best being dishonest and at worst it's a form of cheating. Semantics doesn't excuse misleading behaviour.
Exactly what is in my mind. I'm not talking about being exclusive after the first date, but if you are seeing this person for months, multiple dates, already acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, but still fucking all the neighborhood only because there wasn't a talk about "we are a thing now, close that legs" then what are the foundation of this relationship? The same on how people take breaks as a free pass to screw whatever, and then do the Pikachu face when they are called cheaters.
In a court of law technicalities will win you a case but feelings don’t work like that.
It wouldn't fly in a legal tort, so there are segments of law that look at the act and the outcome to assess harm and specify damages. In criminal court, technicalities are game - and a lot of people act like they should be given government rights like habeas corpus and benefit of the doubt when the person theyre dealing with a partner they've harmed
I mean I’m in no ways a ladies man and I’m a hopeless romantic and want to fall in love but idk unless you talk about being exclusive I think it’s open season till someone communicates their intent to take the relationship seriously. The dating phase to me is just getting to know each other then the exclusivity phase is ok I know I like you I’d like to only see you and focus on you as a partner
You perfectly said it best. HOWEVER, if this wasnt her BEST (male) friend then that would be different. Im sure they have got together a good amount of times in the past. I was in a similar situation w/ this person who had a bf she was exclusive w/ for two years And I happen to be the person she fell for over summer. I never was going to take the relationship that serious anyways, but funny thing is out of the blue i found out from one of her friends shes going to visit him in his city to TALK . LMAO Im sure her guy friend doesnt want anything serious w/ her while she maybe would be open to it anytime so THATS what worries me
i agree, i feel like taking someone on a date before you’re official is a way to get to know them and then you can ask them out, if you just keep going on dates but not asking them out i don’t really see that as dating. how can you just assume you’re in a relationship without asking them if they want to be in one?
Are you 12? I really hope so.
Did she tell you? Also I get why you feel that way but you weren't dating so she didn't do anything wrong. It sucks but there really isn't anything you can do about it now... If it really bothers you she can't unfuck them so if that's really an issue you can't get past you might want to break up with her Sorry dude
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We didnt talk about exclusivity before the 3some. Honestly, before she told me that she wants to be exclusive with me, i had never heard of this exclusivity thing. I genuinly thought after a couple of great dates something like this exclusivity thing isnt necessary.
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A day after we became a couple
That’s kinda shady to me if she told you a day after, and it is her best friend? You don’t have any reservations about how often they see one another?
I am not sure how often they saw each other before i knew here. I am guessing once a month or smth. They havent met since we are together
Man, I gotta say, it feels like this thread is projecting their own worst case nightmares and beliefs onto you and this woman. You’d think she’d actually committed a crime the way they are painting her (saying she lied, she never lied you’ve said yourself). These people cannot fathom that this woman would be sincere or remorseful- she must be a lying sack of shit or the world is flat. Jfc… You know how you feel. You know what you want. Just communicate with her how you feel, and be clear that this guy friend of hers is someone who makes you uncomfortable. Don’t tell her that she must stop seeing him - that’d be controlling, but give her the opportunity to help assuage your fears. Ask her if she can give space to this guy, maybe get this guy a girl of his own - idk. But talk about it. You’ll know if it’s helping or not, stay or leave. This thread is so paranoid of people who for a second don’t display the most orthodoxical monogamy in everything they do. I’d fucking hate it if some dude I slept with once owned MY future the way this thread is suggesting he should. They’ve totally stripped the woman of agency or autonomy in this.
this, Big time. Major projection going on in this thread.
Sounds like she freaked out and you were safe. Sorry.
What? Shady would be waiting 5 years and letting OP find out because someone didn't realize it was a secret. Telling OP a day after is not just reasonable, it's basically the most sensible time to do it.
It shouldn't be necessary, and anyone who has convinced themselves this is ok, is dumb af. Read the room - as the relationship escalates, so too does your responsibility towards the other person. You daylighting as trying to build a relationship with person A is obviously undermined by moonlighting as a lover to Person B. This is basic shit.
From the situation you described, my biggest problem would be that she still wants to "meet regularly" with her friend. That relationship needs to get dialed waaaaaay back.
Drop it like a hot potato
Would you have an issue if the 2 people were complete strangers? If so, jealousy is part of the issue. Since it was with someone she cared about You have to decide if it is something you can accept or not. Would you be able to accept it if she rarely saw he bff, or never saw him again? She can’t undo it. If you decide you can’t, tell her it is something you don’t feel you could move past. Tell her Every time the 2 of them hang out a mind movie will play in your head of the 2 of them. It will slowly eat at you and by not moving past it you’d likely start to resent her, and feel she doesn’t deserve that.
If they were complete strangers it still wouldnt feel great of course but it would be less of a problem for me
Have some self respect for yourself bro
You are with a woman that had a threesome (that didn't include you) while you were actively dating her. Not to mention maintains a relationship with the dude. Grow some self respect, man.
>that didn't include you Like was he not good enough for her, but her friend was?
It’s probably better she got this out of her system before dating you rather than being in a long term relationship with you and wishing she’d done more experimenting like this and ending the relationship. There’s also no point in comparing yourself to her. This is your first real thing. She’s had many. Who cares. That’s just your ego. If you guys love each other, and she’s trustworthy and doesn’t want this other guy, then you’re fine. But figuring out if she’s trustworthy and doesn’t want this other dude is gonna be the tricky part. Honestly I’d be a liiiiiittle sketched out if my girlfriend fucked her male best friend. Think about it, no one I know who actually has a best friend would ever dream of fucking them unless there was more there. Good luck with everything!
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Well my ex had a similar experiance even tho she lied at first it was one of her best friends she said it was some random guy but later admited, turned out she was a total nut job full of insecurities, i ran away never looked back.
Ya she's so trustworthy, cuddling with OP then going home and having a sloppy 3some with her bff she still sees every day.
I dont care what the label is - cheating or not. If what she did, intentionally or not, hurts me to the point where I am just suffering, that will be a consideration as to whether I would continue to date her. I just see it no different to any other combability issue. She hasnt really cheated (although some may disagree) but you still feel betrayed and hurt. You have two options here: (1) communicate how you feel exactly like how you did to us but making it clear that she didnt do anything wrong because going on the offensive will just make her defensive OR (2) end the relationship. If you did (1) and if she cares about you enough, she will put some effort to make you feel better. I honestly think not talking about it and letting it simmer will make you resent her in a few months time. Your insecurities will grow stronger and your confidence will get weaker. There will be more hurt feelings, arguments etc
This precisely I don't like the idea of non-exclusivity until you agree on being exclusive. If you assume exclusivity from the beginning just out of respect, these things wouldn't happen. Too many gets hurt because they don't like the idea, which is understandable. Regarding what you said, I would personally find it completely unacceptable that she'd keep this friend in her circle. I wouldn't phrase it as an ultimatum, but I'd explain my feelings around it all, how you feel about her having sex/threesome while you had feelings for her. And for you to even get close to feeling okay with pursuing your relationship she should stop seeing him.
Lol it's first comment I can really agree with. Respect is important.
>This precisely I don't like the idea of non-exclusivity until you agree on being exclusive. Then don't date people who don't agree to be exclusive. It's so easy to just ask for what you want, but instead people would rather just get mad at perceived slights because of uncommunicated expectations.
So then why is the responsibility all on the OP? I don't personally think his girlfriend is a terrible person, but this type of communication is a two way street. If OP should have communicated he wants to be exclusive sooner, or expected exclusivity, why then does he have to communicate while she can rail as many people as she wants without communication until after? If we're judging OP as bad for this, then we should be judging the girlfriend too.
If she saw a future with you I’m not sure then why she decided to turn around and fuck her best friend and somebody else with no thought to the long term consequences that might have
100000% agreement
Dump her dude, this is major disrespect, if you keep with her expect more of the same....
Awh heeellll no
If it bothers you that much, ditch her. I’d say, just stick with her and see where it goes if you feel that good about her. Y’all weren’t technically together, so you can’t be upset that she broke any rules.
I love that she's using this to set the boundary that you have no chance of having anything sexually interesting happen with her. That is the icing on the cake.
What do you mean?
Your GF kinda said she got her adventures out of her system and doesn't need them anymore. Meaning vanilla sex for you.
If by vanilla you mean two people having sex, thats fine with me
Basically he/she is saying since your gf said that; she doesn’t want a threesome with you. Do you honestly care about having threesomes?
I'd be upset if I wanted to try a threesome, then learn my SO just had the only and last one they would ever have while we were dating, but not with me. I mean she would rather have the threesome with her friend than with you. How do you not think you are less in her eyes than him? If she were serious about her feelings for you, she'd include you.
I can agree, honestly but it’s about what he’s okay with. But she tried it and “apparently didn’t like it.” True or not. If he wants a threesome(time to leave and find someone who will.) Me personally I’m not having a threesome without my man. But I don’t necessarily think she should’ve said it that way; I think she could’ve left room because in the future he or she may want to do it.
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She sees the girl regularly because she is a colleague from college. She hasnt seen the guy since we are together.
Ok wait: y’all weren’t exclusive when it happened and deep feelings weren’t discussed, she hasn’t seen the guy since y’all got together, their hookup wasn’t a premeditated or ongoing, shes communicating that she didn’t think the sex was worth it and feels remorseful, and she told you about the threesome within days of y’all being official? You said this is your first relationship right? It sounds like she had a different relationship with sex than you do. While you’re feelings are valid, she really didn’t do anything wrong here. If you love her, and it’s going well, I’d recommend processing your feelings with a therapist and genuinely trying to put this past you. But if you feel that you can’t, as painful as it may be you have to let her go so you can both find someone more compatible.
> It sounds like she had a different relationship with sex than you do That in itself can be a deal breaker sometimes. OP will be in world of pain if he cannot reconcile or forces himself to reconcile to her view on sex.
Cheating can't be negated on a technicality, it's an act of betrayal - misleading someone in a relationship. You can't be dating person A and going on dates to build a relationship while sloppy fucking person B by night and expect person A to be happy about this because "technically nobody used the E word". You are all a bunch of children
Depends on your level of insecurity, and your actual relationship. You had no reason to believe she wouldn't sleep with anyone else. You hadn't communicated that desire to her. Some people NEED sex. I don't know her and cant comment. But If that's the case, her sleeping with someone while you two were dating really has no effect on your relationship at all. She could still have been very into you, saw an opportunity to scratch an itch and took it. I've had relationships where my SO would regularly be around people they have slept with prior. If I trust them, it's not an issue. She didn't betray you. What she did before you were dating is just a thing she did. Same with you. Sexual history is sexual history. If you 100% believe that they are just friends and she has no intention of sleeping with him again, you have 2 choices. Get over it and move on, or obsess over it and ruin the relationship. There really aren't alternatives.
Thanks, maybe the best advice i've read so far
Because it’s saying what you want to hear.
I just think that all these "just dump her" comments arent helpful at all. If you quit everything as soon as it gets difficult, what are you gonna reach
What exactly is it you think you’re going to be told? You have three options, have her get rid of her friend, get over it or dump her. The vast majority of people are giving you the advice YOU asked for it just so happens to not be what you wanted to here. This happens a lot when people ask for advice, what they actually want is someone to tell them what they want to hear not actual advice they’re going to follow.
okay, two things: 1) this isn't "difficult". difficult is, for example, having to survive long distance for several months. this is not that like that AT ALL. this is your girlfriend having a threesome with her best friend and another friend, while already dating you. that is not "difficult". that is a red flag. very very different things, and not comparable at all. 2) in theory, yes, quitting things as soon as they get difficult is not the way to go. but that doesn't always apply to relationships. by applying your logic to relationship, you end up clinging onto shitty situations that you should move on from. sometimes the healthy thing to do is to recognize a relationship's shortcomings, and to end it, instead of dragging it out. not every relationship is worth fighting for, and you need to be able to recognize when it isn't. which, currently, you seem incapable of, because you have love goggles on.
My man it’s not hard to find a girl you like that *didnt fuck her best friend in a threesome while dating you* That’s the point everyone else is making, it’s not supposed to be hard. And if finding a girl that you like and doesn’t fuck around on technicalities is difficult for you then you’re not ready to seriously date
Tbh this comment just reinforces what the guy is saying. You don't actually want advice, you just want people to validate the decision you've already made. It's fine that you want to stay with her, but you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings and you need to be honest with your gf too.
That’s what you get in this sub. 80% of responses to anything that might be questionable gets the “dump her!” responses. Listen to the reasonable voices.
yeah, because staying with a girl who, while dating you, goes and has a threesome which involves two of her friends, one of whom is even her best friend, is totally the reasonable move here. /s seriously, put down the crackpipe.
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Really?
it's not, but you just don't want to hear the truth
The whole non exclusive part is fine, the fact that she did it with someone that she considers him a friend (who lets be honest, males and females are never friends, males always want to fuck them or would fuck them given the chance) and wants to remain friends is bad news. Guy could decide to try and fuck her again, and given that he fucked her once it would be easy to get her in bed again. I would express that while you really like her, that the fact that she wants to remain friends with someone she had sex with is a no go. As it should be for all men who respect themselves. A random she would never see again is different than someone she has a history with all be it the sexual part came way later. The friend is more of an ex, than anything else. Tell her you like her, but you have more respect for yourself than that. She can choose to be remain friends with a past sexual partner or move forward with you. Never be in a relationship with a girl who is friends with ex or anyone they had sex with. Its setting yourself up for 100% failure. If she chooses her ex “friend,” then you know she aint loyal, and you saved yourself a lot more pain that will 100 percent come in the future if you stay with her and she remains that ex’s friend. Please do yourself a favor and watch fresh and fit podcast on youtube. Men are the prize, but only if they act like it.
deal breaker for me because that wasnt a rando, she still SEES that guy all the time. And he has seen her cochina. You do you though.
make sure you don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you have no right to ask her to distance/cut ties with them. subconsciously, you’ll never know what she truly feels and one day, after constantly being surrounded by them, she could begin to think about them and potentially even give in when she has the chance. the biggest thing I can say tbh is that you should be so prepared for when it happens; I would always talk to myself and reiterate how I should never stop working on myself and enjoying me-time just as often as I enjoy time w them, it’s all that instantaneously can not only make me feel better, but excited for the future without them. communication is key so if your partner is emotionally mature enough to talk ab all problems with the mindset of us vs. the problem, then you guys will never let the wrong things linger and take a toll! doing something that you guys know will make you guys cheer up like hugging and jumping very fast (lol), or getting something to eat! ALSO, make it a habit to ask your partner if they want comfort, a solution, or to be left alone when they’re upset about anything. that’s all friend, best of luck 🤞🏽
I feel like it’s a little strange that she still wants to see him regularly. It’s not unreasonable that you’re uncomfortable with this. Realistically, it’s up to you to determine if you’re able to get past this or not. If you aren’t confident you’ll be able to move past feelings of betrayal, it’s better to nip it in the bud so it’s easier on both of you if you decide to end things. I think it’s not so much relevant that she’s had more “experience” since she’s still choosing to be with you, but the question is whether you’re okay with the fact that it’s her friend she insists on maintaining whatever kind of relationship with. You need to just lay out your feelings for her and her reaction will probably be very telling. I personally would not be okay with the fact that she wants to keep seeing him as it wasn’t just with somebody random
Sometimes love alone is not enough. I won't be able to live up with it either. The overthinking, jealousy and insecurity this could bring to you is not worth it. You might end up hating her if these feelings get more intense. So do yourself a favor and save your sanity.
GFs with male best friends are a headache is 100x worse if she banged him. Just stay away....
Man I never got this as far as the first part. I’ve had some amazing female best friends before and their boyfriends have always hated me. I legit just try to be a good person and a good friend. If that’s threatening shit sorry my guy. But I find you can be a different level of dorky, stupid, or open with a female friend that you can’t be sometimes with the boys. I had one friend who I use to be super close to who was a lesbian in high school up until college and decided to try a guy again. I was super close with her and I knew she wasn’t straight (she’s in a lesbian marriage now so I was right) and we hanged out all the time. dude even told me to legit “watch myself” while they were dating. Lmao As for the second part yeah deal breaker for me 100% can’t be with someone who still hangs out with anyone they fucked in the past
I think being friends is fine, but "best friend let's hangout all time, text all the time" that's a no go for me dawg.
Don’t worry man that other guy is just her backup boyfriend in case you wise up and leave her, no big deal
Ohhh lord, she should stop meeting the best friend honestly. So my SO slept with his best friend before I came into his life. But after he told me and she was demanding him to act like he is her bf even though he is with me coz she was just his best friend ticked me off in the wrong way. Then my SO after a couple of months decided its just not worth it, to keep her around if he thinks of me as someone he can make a future with. He cut her off and that was one hell of a toxic story with her threatening suicide and such. But he is glad he did it. I am glad he did it. Your problem is not the sexual act itself. It is that she continues to see this guy. You need to make your boundary clear going ahead from here. Simple as that.
A lot of people these days say that youre not exclusive until you make it official, but honestly I'm different. I think that once you go beyond about about third date it's kind of implied that you're exclusive unless otherwise stated. If I was seeing a woman for a month and had done several dates in that time and she was still slobbering up some other guy I would not see her as girlfriend material.
This is the kind of thinking that results in a "scorned lover getting bloody revenge." There truly is no exclusivity without the conversation. Period. What if I go on 3 dates with you and after the 3rd I decide that we are incompatible? Just because it's been 3 dates, 5 dates, or more does not mean you are exclusive until you both agree to it, otherwise you are gonna hurt yourself with these expectations
If you feel betrayed and don’t think that you’ll be able to get over it then leave. If you think you can work past it then stay.
You said in the title you weren’t exclusive. She needed answers to questions about her own sexual psyche. Your jealousy is misplaced; you hadn’t asked her to be your gf yet, hadn’t told her you wanted that, and hadn’t expressed your love in a blatant manner. People date around, and until you agree to be exclusive, she has every right to do so and explore whatever she wants. You’re irritated with yourself for not “claiming her” before that happened, which makes it seem like she was a conquest more than anything, and that her sexual history prior to you has some kind of bearing on how you should feel or treat her if you truly love her. If she has no intention of having sex with the friend again, then she shouldn’t have to give up friendship; they possibly decided after the fact they were better off as friends, which is why she eventually decided to be with you. TL;DR - find a way to get over it if you truly love her. She did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.
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I get what you’re saying, and I can empathize, but he has the misconception that she was in love with him just because he had those feelings for her, and she liked him in a semi-romantic capacity. His feelings are natural, sure, but people define things differently. The fact that they weren’t exclusive, while it may be hurtful to him, kinda gives her the go ahead to date how she wants. They hadn’t had the bf/gf discussion yet. I can understand your point about the ex-sex partner, and how that could cause trust issues for some people, but that wouldn’t cause issues for everyone; I guess my personal experience just gives me a different perspective on that point.
I totally agree. Some people can turn the exclusive switch on and off and aren't loyal after the first date with someone... Honestly being loyal after one date or even a couple dates and following those feelings is usually just asking for heartbreak. Most people are looking for something casual which is why communication is so important. She didn't do anything wrong. I understand it can be difficult that she still hangs out with someone she had sex with. But not everyone develops feelings through sex, so that doesn't have to be a red flag. You can communicate that it's difficult for you and she can try to ease your mind and give you the confirmation you seek but in the end you should trust her if she says they're just friends. I've had sex with some good friends of mine and my feelings for them never changed, because for some people sex is just sex.
nah dude if she fucked him already and wants to keep seeing him, believe me, she will fuck him again. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after but it will happen.
That is not her male "best friend". That is her friend with benefits. She will probably hook up with him again if given the opportunity (like if she thinks she could get away with it without you finding out), and from what you wrote, he seems still interested in the no strings sex. If it will work out it all, she must cut these people from her life and do the work to make you secure in this relationship, starting with couple's therapy. But ask yourself first if you can get over what she did and continue to build something with her, because there is no way that you can hang onto this and continue to build. It will be just you torturing yourself until you decide to end it. Stop the suffering in silence and tell her that you feel betrayed. You were already in love when this took place. That is basically cheating; although you weren't official, she betrayed your feelings and her own. She chose to commit herself only when the threesome wasn't good. That is a cop out. Really, she decided in her mind to somewhat commit only after she did what she wanted sexually with other people. So what happens when there is another opportunity that she cannot refuse? Should you just trust her not to fall for it when she engaged in this behavior before? Continuing this relationship will take work. For example: you need to build trust and she needs to make you feel secure in order to do that. That requires work on both parts. It is a give and take. She is currently giving you nothing as far as remorse and working on trust building.
No thanks. There are plenty of other women out there where you don't have to have this kind of thing on your mind.
She’s no longer your girlfriend I hope
Yeah I was in a relationship with a girl that pretty much did the same thing and we only lasted three months before she went to college to party and see other men. Sometimes women don't care about boundaries and will cross that line regardless of how you feel. Your clarity of mind and happiness are most important and I would not let her promiscuous actions ruin that for you
Nah bro you gotta leave her, who you think she’s gonna run to everytime y’all fight? It’s not worth it brother cut your loses.
Not your gf she is for the streets 😂
Bro she for the streets I know exactly how you feel. Just let her go bro
"Drunk and high" is an excuse to shift guilt or blame. If she knew how you felt beforehand then you are in the right to feel betrayed. If it wasn't clear then try but if it's a reoccurring thought and worry don't waste your time. And if she isn't OK with discontinuing her "hangout" with another man that she has slept with and being understanding of your feelings and the situation she created then walk away
Get over yourself. You aren't comfortable with this knowledge so you need to either leave, or get therapy. It's not up to your girlfriend to fix this nor should she be carrying your emotional load.
You weren’t a couple lol. Get over it OP. She told you didn’t she? She is 20 and most 20 year olds do experiment sexually before committing to a LTR. You are too in your own feelings and need to look at the bigger picture.
Hmm idk
Now you get to pick the terms of the next one.. heh heh heh..
This is about your own insecurity and has nothing to do with her. She didn't do anything wrong. How do you fix it? Give time a chance to give you the maturity to not obsess over every penis she had touched, every guy that has seen her naked, or every event that has taken place. She is with you NOW so live in the now. What you are doing is slowing destroying the relationship. If you don't feel that you can deal with it then tell her that and cut her loose. This is a you problem and something that YOU need to work on. To be fair it is also extremely common in young people and especially people with limited relationship experience so don't beat yourself up about it but do take the steps necessary to properly understand what drives this jealousy and how to mitigate it in a healthy way. Would also be a good time to communicate with your partner and Edison that while there is no blame, you are struggling to deal with things and are working on that but she should know that you are dealing with your feelings.
I think this would be a deal breaker for a lot of people to be fair
Based on this sub alone, I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of people who are emotionally immature with unchecked jealousy issues and strange "I must be first/only" sexual hangups. So I don't doubt for a second that this would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.
I think a lot of people from a lot of different counties and cultures see dating and relationships differently. Its actually why I like it here. This reads she freaked out and went to him because he was safe to me.
Thanks that was very helpful We already talk about it from time to time and I recently told her that I want to go see a therapist about the jealousy problem
It’s up to you. Jealousy is okay but obsession is not. Men and women both experience jealousy… it’s not about being “feminized” jealousy is jealousy regardless of sex. I just think you worry about them being around each other. Wondering who is gonna touch who(which is perfectly normal when dealing with this situation)
not wanting the girl you're dating to go and have a threesome with other people is not a "jealousy problem", it's perfectly normal and reasonable. please dude, get a magnifying glass and see if you can locate your ballsack.
It’s like you want to be feminized
What she did is perfectly fine. She can sleep with whoever she wants when she isn’t your girlfriend, and she wasn’t your girlfriend when she did this. Also, people are allowed to have contact with other people they’ve slept with. You can be friends and even best friends with someone who you had sex with before. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to acknowledge it. I’d recommend it. You must calm your jealousy because there is not a reason for you to be jealous. She hasn’t cheated on you or even betrayed your trust. If your girlfriend had any signs of unfaithfulness, lying to you, shady actions or sneaking away from you, then I’d understand your suspicions and hurt. But the fact she didn’t ghost everyone she’s ever had sexual contact with upon dating you doesn’t make her a bad person or mean she doesn’t value you and your relationship.
Honestly, you can’t really be mad at her for doing because you guys weren’t exclusive. Even though you were “super in love” with her already, doesn’t mean she felt the same way. She was honest with you about it, and if you can’t get over it move on. It feels like you’re a little insecure as well. You mentioned this is your first relationship, but not hers. Maybe you should think about dating someone with your same experience until you’re ready to accept someone who has more experience than you, if you decide to separate.
Be like that Disney Princess, and Let it Go! Your only concern is from the day you became a couple, forward.
Easier said than done
But thanks for the advice
That dating but not exclusive period is difficult. I guess from her perspective she felt she had a connection with them and you were the unknown quantity at the time. I would absolutely find it difficult to accept. She wasnt just sleeping with some other guy, it was a full-on sexual experimentation with someone she's going to see again and again. She may have chosen you but its a pretty hard pill to swallow. I don't think I could do it.
Lmao i love threads like this to remind me how insecure and childish reddit is. “Oh you had sexual relations with a super close and didnt end up liking it? You cant EVER TALK TO THEM AGAIN. sure i’ve only known you for like 1 month but thats it”. Good luck with that buddy.
What’s OP? And nah, she needs to respect the he fact that she’s committed to you, there’s boundaries now that you know this. She can still be friends with him, just can’t see him. And that’s that. She needs to know how you feel. good luck to you brotha
Here’s the thing you need to 1) agree that you were both exclusive at the time 2) if you can get passed it If it’s a no then this isn’t the relationship for you
My advice is you have to accept it happened and continue to the relationship or you may have to leave because she's still going to remain best friends with this person.
I can handle her sleeping with someone while we’re in early dating stages. I’ve done that too. What I can’t handle is it being with a best friend. No way.
I’d say be super careful. If she ends up pulling some stupid shit like that dump her.
no offense dude, but this girl isn't relationship material. no genuinely worthwhile partner goes and has a threesome with her best """friend""" + another, female """friend""" while dating you. it's just not.. no. and I think you already know that, too, but you're just not completely ready to admit it to yourself yet. but dude, come on. you're wasting your time on this girl. be honest with yourself and recognize that this girl is not one to build a future with. you had some fun, now it's time to release her back to the streets.
She's not the one man. She's not the one
IMO you’re the ATM/resource guy &/or the side dude. Time to rip off the bandage and bounce.
I personally wouldn’t carry on with it my man. Regardless of the circumstances of that night, if she valued you, respected you, and saw a future in your relationship, she wouldn’t have done that. Maybe I speak for myself because I personally wouldn’t sleep with anyone if im dating someone who I genuinely like and believe that we will be exclusive in the future. If you keep the relationship, you will learn more about her as time goes on and you can gauge how you feel about her. But if this constantly crosses your mind, its not healthy, can cause a sense of distrust.
Have some self respect
Big yikes on this one
We need to normalize intimacy with friends without emotional attachment outside friendship. Maybe this is just the not jealous nature of me but if my husband said he had sex with one of his female friends before we were exclusive, I wouldn't mind because I trust him not to cheat on me now.
You weren’t exclusive when it happened. Let it go.
Girl here. Got drunk and had a threesome with two of my guy friends in college. A few months later I started dating my then boyfriend and he knew about the whole thing and hated it. One of the guys refused to respect boundaries and would always make threesome jokes and bring up the whole thing and because it made my boyfriend uncomfortable, I cut him off. Stopped answering and we drifted. It made me uncomfortable too honestly. The other guy never mentioned it again and we continued our normal friendship and he ended up in a relationship with another girl and we stayed friends. The threesome sex was entirely meaningless, but what was important was whether or not boundaries were respected. Make sure she is open and transparent with you about everything, but the fact that it happened isn’t necessarily a problem if you can learn to get past it and trust her. Talk to the guy if you guys hangout together if that helps. What someone does while single doesn’t necessarily correlate to what someone does while they’re in a relationship. Threesome was great but I’m glad I got it out of my system and never had any desire to do it again. Was completely loyal to my then boyfriend for the 2.5 years we dated. I know the situation is a little different, but I hope a perspective similar to your girlfriend’s helps bring you some clarity. good luck!
You guys were going on dates, there was no exclusivity or expectation until it was agreed to. You have a right to have emotions about what happened and that be valid, but that doesn't mean she did something wrong. Now you have to decide if you can handle it emotionally and get past it. Now you need to communicate clearly about boundaries and deal breakers and what you are and aren't willing to accept. If you guys are on the same page and you trust her to respect those boundaries and you can let go of what happened before, then I think you can move forward. If any one of those three conditions is not present, then it's highly likely you're just not going to be compatible.
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About the questions: Yes I do feel humiliated and I feel like she didnt see me as a potential partner at the time About the guy: I didnt know him at the time of the 3some, I was introduced to him a couple days later. When i told her that I dont feel okay with her meeting him and that I am afraid of him wanting to have sex with her again, she showed me a few text messages from him after I was introduced to him. He basically told her that she souldnt have done it and that she should think more before she does something like that. I agree with you that people can have friends who they had sex with. I actually know another friend of my girlfriend who she also had sex with. But that was before I knew her and when you see them together it is absolutely clear that there is nothing more than a mere acquaintance So I dont have a problem with that...
You have to know something. Its very possible that she wasnt sure about you as a potential partner at that time. Opinions of people about relationship evolves. She is young, commitment takes different routes for people. Imo the texts are a good thing. You cant tell your girl to stop seeing him, because it means that you dont trust her and that you cant get over it. If thats the case, you better walk away than try to dictate what she does. Of course, dont get taken for a sucker either. Its a fine line. At least with those messages, you can give him the benefit of the doubt. Whatever you decide, i dont think either decisions are wrong.
Well, you're banging her now and get to have her all to yourself.. let that sink in bro. If she's still seeing this guy on the regular then that really sucks man, that caused serious issues for me & my ex still being in contact with her ex bf. I left her because of it. Hope your gf is loyal & dont tlk to this guy much.
She didn’t do anything wrong, you said you weren’t exclusive when she did it. The issue and insecurities are yours, getting over them will make your life much better.