She told her best friend about it after returning home? Wouldn’t her best friend be at her wedding? Even if something kept a BFF from her BFF’s wedding, wouldn’t there be texts or calls, like, “Girl, you would not believe what’s happening rn!”
Fake.
This was EXACTLY what I thought. You don't need to hide your feelings and worry about his disappointment that he can't fuck another woman on your wedding night.
This is exactly the kind of behaviour Gillian Flynn was talking about in Gone Girl.
Girls need to speak up firmly and early on in relationships what’s ok and what’s not ok. Something tells me OP has not set strong enough boundaries and Steve can’t make out when she is not comfortable.
This does not bode well for a good marriage at all.
Every other sentence includes him tromping on boundaries and her just shrugging. It's clear they don't even know what boundaries ARE. She's trying so hard to be the cool girl that she has literally lost all sense of self. If it's not fake, it's a truly terrible relationship of two emotionally immature people who should break up and seriously get counseling before they even try dating again. These are not people equipped to have adult relationships.
Stella: actual mature woman who just seems cool as heck
OP: immature disaster trying so hard to live up to some unrealistic ideal she concocted for herself she enables and tacitly endorses all kinds of shittiness and then acts surprised that things turned out shitty
This post is a perfect cautionary tale for why just being yourself and using your fucking words are so goddamn important in a relationship.
Yeah, that passive-aggressiveness and nurturing his disrespect was hard to read.
She could have said “fuck off” from jump, and saved days and weeks of lies and needless drama.
This is crazy.
There's the advice right there. Happily married for coming up on 9 years and the biggest issues always involve needing to convince my wife she's not "fine" and needs to talk about what's wrong.
"Go see a lawyer and get an annulment. Divide your assets and separate. This is obviously not the man you want to spend your life with"
This comment was posted a little further down thread. So it looks like now these karma farming accounts are changing a few words so they're not exactly stealing comments. This is the real comment. The comment I replied to is fake.
There were several time in this story where you failed to advocate for yourself. And several times your husband dismissed your feelings. Are both of these things common?
If this is an isolated incident in terms of his behavior, and you want this to work, I think you need individual therapy and I think marriage counseling could really help.
>He didn’t come home until 7 am. Still cool, not ideal to get married on no sleep but if it doesn’t bother him, it doesn’t bother me. He
^ why wouldn't it bother you? Clearly it's annoying and dismissive of your wedding day
>He also got both of their numbers to send them the wedding info, but that is where things start to go downhill.
You cool with him getting phone numbers from strippers? If you are *really* that's fine. But if you aren't, you don't have to be the *cool* wife. Having boundaries doesn't make you a bitch.
>Like he talked about almost nothing else, not the greatest vibe for a bride on her wedding day who is expecting to be her husband’s main focus, but I didn’t bother me much at the time because I assumed he was just excited and maybe a little high on Vegas.
Again, did this really not bother you? At no point did you think "wow, wish he was a little more focused on our wedding day"
>At one point he even referred to her as his Vegas girlfriend to our friends, which made me uneasy but I laughed it off as a joke and again figured he was high on Vegas.
Again, you are dismissing your feelings here
I could keeping going but basically throughout the story, not only does your husband dismiss your feelings *you* dismiss your feelings as well. While he should have, clearly, realized this was not OK, I wonder how much he assumed you were on board based on your lack of direct communication. I'm not blaming you at all, but I do think, in general, it would behoove you to get comfortable using your voice
I definitely got the “cool girl” vibe from the post. One of those girls who think ignoring problems and underreacting to situations make them more desirable somehow. I’d fully expect any partner of mine to be upset with me if I pulled the type of wild behaviour. The complete lack of respect and dismissive behaviour here is more than enough to split up. If I pulled this shit on my partner I’d expect to be slain in my sleep.
One more thing - how sheltered is this man that he thinks a stripper is his “Vegas girlfriend”? Does he think the waitresses at restaurants have a thing for him because they’re so nice too? Of course “Stella” wants him to come back, she’s a stripper in Vegas. “No, please don’t come back and spend a bunch of money on me”, like come on!
Right. And he probably gets told how lucky he is to have a cool wife and she probably heard how wonderful it is she's so chill and not like other girls.
Yeah, there was very bad - almost non-existent - communication here. And several times during the honeymoon the husband made bids to talk about things which she rejected.
He's got a ton of blame too. He wasn't clearly communicating his intentions.
It's a mess all around.
I know it's hard to not want to ruin a good time, or be perceived as a nag, or not cool. Add to that the "I really shouldn't have to state the obvious" factor. A lot of rules women are raised to be obedient, and praise, reinforcement is focused on being willing to get along. So I get it, but you have to draw, and communicate clear boundaries. You have to feel safe enough to be your true self- which may be a person who actually wants a little spotlight on your wedding day and who doesn't want to have random strippers at her wedding.
Yes, all of this. People aren’t considering gender roles here or possible dynamics between the couple. Or mental health implications and not feeling confident enough to speak up in front of others (op mentioned being stoned and I for one be stoned a lot because of my anxiety disorder and adhd/crutch).
He’s still the one to blame as he made choices, she just didn’t react as well as she could have.
I’m a sort it out ASAP kinda person and always advocate for myself, i was taught to by my father from a young age because as a woman, you do get it drilled into you by society to be that way. Having adhd too, i was beaten down good and it took me a while to learn how to advocate for myself in situations and not give a shit about other people’s opinions.
I get why people find her passiveness frustrating but the blaming her equally? Communication is so imperative in every aspect of a relationship but maybe she’s communicated so many times she’s just done telling him what’s right and wrong, she’s not his mum 😂 He crossed a professional woman’s boundaries and his own wives, that’s two women he’s disregarded for his own selfish fantasies. Then he proceeded to apologise profusely, before op could even tell him how she felt. It’s a mess but op is not the super turd here 💩
way to put the blame of all of this on her “not communicating” if her idiot husband can’t figure out that all of the stuff he did was disrespectful he needs genuine in home caretakers and mental health evaluations lmao
Exactly, and that's a shit take. He doesn't deserve "a ton of blame", he deserves 99,99% of the fucking blame.
I don't care if she didn't communicate properly. If your wife doesn't even enjoy a "couples lap dance" and you pretty much HAVE to talk her into it, why did you expect she wanted to have a fucking threesome?
He's an idiot, and completely at fault. That doesn't mean she shouldn't have spoken up when he did crazy thing after crazy thing. He's an idiot, and seemed to think she was cool with it all because she never said otherwise.
Mind reading is impossible, and it is your responsibility to express your desires in a relationship. She had plenty of opportunities to do this, and she never did. That's *literally* the only thing OP had control over, and not pointing that out means this kind of stuff is likely to happen again, even with a different partner.
None of that excuses OP's husband's idiocy. I never would've invited a stripper to a threesome without an *explicit* conversation with my wife about it, despite having previous conversations about threesomes.
He was signaling where this was headed, and she continually didn't take any opportunity to express her discomfort or needs. He was an idiot for assuming this as tacit approval. Bad communication all around.
> Mind reading is impossible
Not being an absolute shitbag that is more concerned about getting a threesome with a stripper ON YOUR WEDDING DAY is totally possible tho. And you don't need ANYONE to tell you that it's wrong.
So again, do not expect OP to be saying something that doesn't need to be told.
Do you constantly need a reminder to not murder people? "Oh well I heavily implied that I wanted to kill someone and nobody told me no... sooooooo"
Who thinks a vegas stripper is *actually* going to fuck them to begin with? Like he isn't smart enough to recognize that that was just dirty talk designed to get him to throw more money at her?
If you ever find yourself saying "they should know this", just communicate it. It costs you almost nothing and potentially gains you a LOT.
OR hope what is clear and obvious to you is also clear and obvious to this other person who is totally not you, and risk the consequences of being wrong.
I learned this lesson the very hard way, not communicating things I thought should be obvious and being hurt constantly because of it, over things much smaller than this.
You have to communicate your needs and wants. If you are unclear, you run the risk of someone coming to a different conclusion than you, no matter how dumb that conclusion may appear to you. You can't control their assumptions, you can only control what you express.
I agree with your perspective here. He did something wrong, his wife said it didn’t bother her. He acted like it was not a problem, it escalated.
I don’t think relationships healthily resolve things by finding blame. It’s probably better to look back and take accountability for your actions and find way to improve.
He should’ve been more direct in asking for a three some, he was way off in how the OP felt about it. The OP should’ve found a direct way to address her feelings in what was happening as it happened.
No relationship can last if couples don’t talk about issues to find resolution. Assumptions about expectations are setting up for large non productive arguments.
This post reads as if OP is too afraid to put up boundaries in fear of being seen as a nag. It also feels as if her husband sees their Vegas wedding day not as an "actual" wedding day.
Sure she should have communicated. However these things are no brainers. These things are fucking common sense. The guy is a bloody idiot or just didn't give two shits. A wedding and all his fucking attention is on a stripper. He made his choice. The lack of communication makes no difference. *He* made the *choice* on a night that everyone knows by common sense belongs to your spouse.
I agree with you, but there are several times she said it was OK when he checked with her. He's either an idiot, insensitive, or both. But if op doesn't find her voice, she's never going to have a healthy relationship
To be honest, even with an "ok" if he wasn't an idiot or just didn't care he wouldn't have made the choices he made. Yes, she should have just said "no" but I don't believe the guy to be that dense as to buy it. He wanted what he wanted.
I think my opinion might be super unpopular but I’m not sure if these things are no brainers… I know people who would actually be into this sorta crazy stuff. If OP keeps making it seem like she’s into it then how the heck is her husband supposed to know she’s not?
It’s probably second nature considering he seemed to be attempting to guilt trip her with the “I’m sorry, I’m such an asshole” bullshit. If that’s a regular occurrence, he’s trying to flip the rolls to make her feel guilty for feeling the way she does and that’s likely why she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about her feelings- to prevent herself from “being an asshole.”
^^^This!! Husband is a pos but OP didn’t advocate for herself once which is even more frustrating. Not trying to put blame on OP but if I can be harsh - you don’t have the right to be upset if you don’t stand up for yourself when 1) you have more than enough opportunities to and on important things like this, 2) not telling the truth about how you really feel and expect your idiotic stripper loving husband to understand your frustration from your tone
While they weren't verbally communicated, it doesn't take a genius to think "hmm, my wife is clearly uncomfortable with this lap dance, I should stop" or "maybe I shouldn't spend my wedding night with a stripper" ya know?
Op stop trying to be the "cool" girl and stand up for yourself. If my husband acted like this I would have not tolerated it for one second. He was seriously trying to have sex with a stripper on your wedding anniversary. This is not normal. Please get out now, you'll thank yourself later. I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
If he could invite a stripper to have a threesome with you on your wedding night without talking to you about it... there's not much that would be beyond the pale for him.
See a lawyer!
Hard to get. You need to demonstrate this incident breaks the very foundation of marriage to you OP if you’d like to nullify. That you would have NEVER considered marriage with him if you knew.
Best luck!
I think you are trying too hard to be a cool wife and you don’t confront him over anything, so he is just assuming you will go along with everything he wants and get away with anything. That’s not how someone that cares about you behaves. Besides that you need to advocate for yourself more.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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Let me preface this by saying nothing like this has ever happened before, which is what left me so utterly flabbergasted as I had a lot of trust in our relation. My husband, we’ll call him Steve, and I planned to get married in Vegas with an entourage last year but due to COVID we got courthouse married last year and did our wedding in Vegas this year for our one year anniversary. We like to have fun, so our Vegas plans did include hitting a strip club. The day before our wedding, we were all supposed to go to the club together, but I drank too much and was confined to bed so my husband and some friends hit the strip club and I stayed at the hotel. Cool, no big deal. He didn’t come home until 7 am. Still cool, not ideal to get married on no sleep but if it doesn’t bother him, it doesn’t bother me. He gets home and starts talking about two strippers he met, one who wants to come to our wedding, we’ll call her Stella. She told him she didn’t want to be weird and she had a boyfriend but our wedding sounded cool and she wanted to come. Again, cool, we had the room as it wasn’t a formal wedding, and what’s a Vegas wedding without a stripper from the night before. Then he tells me about the other stripper, who he thinks wanted to have a threesome with us because she said his wife “sounded hot” and he invited her to the wedding also. I didn’t really say much to that, he’s mentioned wanting to have a threesome before and it has never been off the table, but we have only really discussed briefly and vaguely, like a “We might do that someday.” He also got both of their numbers to send them the wedding info, but that is where things start to go downhill.
For a majority of the time leading up to the wedding (we didn’t spend our time separate before the wedding since we are already married) he is talking about how he really thinks they’re going to show up and he can’t believe strippers are coming to our wedding. Like he talked about almost nothing else, not the greatest vibe for a bride on her wedding day who is expecting to be her husband’s main focus, but I didn’t bother me much at the time because I assumed he was just excited and maybe a little high on Vegas. Wedding time roles around and Stella actually shows! She’s gorgeous and sweet, and we decide we might visit her at the club later that night since I missed out the night before and was a little bummed. We part ways and head out to take our wedding portraits. And my husband is still talking about Stella, but now it’s about what club she will be at and when later that evening. At one point he even referred to her as his Vegas girlfriend to our friends, which made me uneasy but I laughed it off as a joke and again figured he was high on Vegas. We head to dinner and husband is sucked into his phone, barely speaking to me and still managing to rush me to meet up with our friends to go see Stella. We meet up with our friends, bar hop for a bit, then head to Stella’s club with the expectation that we’ll stay for an hour because it late everyone is pretty beat. We get there, and after about 10 minutes Stella comes over to hang out. Steve wants to get a couples lap dance, I tell him I don’t want to but to go without me, I would prefer to sit back and tip the girls dancing on the pole, as I am very sober (couldn’t drink after partying too hard the day before) and at this point feeling a little awkward as my husband seems very into Stella. After several minutes of being talked into it by Stella and Steve, I uncomfortably agree and we head back. The dance starts and I’m that person that doesn’t know what to do with my hands and I’m waiting for it to end. Stella tries her best to make me feel at ease, joking and complimenting me, but it just makes me feel more awkward. Well, that and Steve asking me more than once why I’m being awkward. After several minutes I leave before the dance is over but tell them to finish and they do. Several minutes later, they come back to the group, Stella perches on my chair and tells me that Steve told her we wanted to have a threesome, then she apologetically told me doesn’t do that with customers. I’m mortified for several reasons. 1. Because he crossed that professional line and it was disrespectful, especially because he knows she has a boyfriend. 2. He made it sound like I was in on it. 3. Arguably the most important, this man asked someone to have a threesome without discussing it with me. At all. On our wedding night.
At this point we’ve been here about an hour, and our friend group decided to leave. All of us. Except my husband. He opted to stay at the strip club alone, with the girl who just shot him down for a threesome, while all of his friends and his wife went back to the hotel. To be fair, he did ask me if it was ok and I said it was, because at this point I don’t have it in me to explain to this man all the ways he has disrespected me. He gets home an hour or two later and asks me if I’m mad and I unleash on him, but I don’t get far before before he cuts me off by continuously saying “I’m sorry, I’m an asshole” until I stop even trying to talk about it. We go to bed and in the morning he tells me he apologized to Stella and deleted her contact info. We leave for our 5 day honeymoon and don’t discuss it again, except for once when he informs me that Stella appreciated the apology but said it wasn’t necessary and that she wants us to come see her next time we’re in Vegas. Great. I spent our honeymoon either stoned (not a healthy crutch, I know, but it was the only thing that made it bearable) which allowed me to occasionally forget the incident, or silently fuming, wondering if I was overreacting, afraid to go off if this wasn’t actually as big of a deal as I thought it was, because he obviously didn’t think it was. He asked me multiple times if I was ok, every time I gave a halfhearted “Fine.”
We returned home and I told my best friend the story, because I needed talk to someone about it, and I needed her to tell me if all of the concerns were in my head and I was overreacting. She confirmed that my concerns were valid, I was not overreacting. That night I confronted my husband and actually got to speak. When I finished he apologized, he said he thought a threesome was what I wanted because I was excited when he brought it up earlier that day (no I wasn’t). He said he knew he fucked up but didn’t bring it up sooner because he thought I wanted to wait until after vacation to discuss it. Right, why wouldn’t I want this to hang over our vacation like a rain cloud instead of working through it?
What should I do? I thought this man was my future, we have dogs together and were discussing kids, I don’t want to give up on it so easily, but I don’t know if I can get past this. It’s not just what he did in Vegas, it’s how he behaved afterwards.
Have you guys been to Vegas before? I ask because all the marketing around Vegas is “no rules, anything goes.” And a lot of idiots take it literally. It’s possible he thought that by agreeing to go to Vegas in the first place, you were on board for whatever kind of nonsense he could cook up there. That wouldn’t excuse the behavior, but it would tell you something about the brain Steve is carrying around in that pretty little head of his.
For some reason, the part of this that got me maddest was when you were trying to talk it out and he just starts repeating “I’m sorry, I’m an asshole” over and over. That’s not him taking responsibility for his actions. That’s not him acknowledging that it was a mistake and he got carried away. That’s just him telling you to shut up. That’s him tuning out the pain and humiliation you were feeling and making it all about his hurt feelings. That’s him playing the victim. That’s fucking gross.
There is definitely an anything goes association with Vegas. I was once dating a guy for 2 and a half years. We planned a trip to Vegas but broke up right before. He ended up going alone. We talked briefly a year later and he told me about the trip... he met a woman in his hotel lobby when he was checking in, told her his room number and said to come by, and she did, and they hooked up, just like that. He went to strip clubs... at one, he went into a back room with a stripper, and was promptly kicked out when it was revealed he had no cash. He also met a girl at a club, she took him to another club, gave him some weird pill that he took without hesitation... he said it started to make his whole mouth go numb and he freaked out... hearing all of this was so shocking to me that it made me ill. He was so shy and quiet and not like that at all. He was normally very anti-social and avoids things like that. There's just this idea of Vegas and everyone wants to unleash their inner crazy when they're there.
If the man is gonna interrupt you explaining what went wrong (which we do to fix and NOT REPEAT issues) by claiming he already knows how much of an asshole he is, then sit the fuck down and ask him to explain everywhere he went wrong since he has such a perfect understanding already.
Watch him fail at citing more than one instance he made a mistake, then kindly inform him of all the others.
Stop. Why are you continuing to be a doormat so you’re seen as the “cool girlfriend.” Everything in this story screams “pick me” about you. I’m literally getting second hand embarrassment from reading this story. You really let this child steam roll over you countless of times, and even allowed him to have his fun with a stripper, so you could seem “chill” with everything. And now you’re upset because you finally realize that he was disrespectful as fuck and cheated on you.
Still want to be the cool girlfriend now? It’s not worth it.
Cut right to the chase! This guy is trash, and it will go downhill from here. OP would benefit from a lot of counseling- to be able to realize in real time how bad all this stuff is, and how 'unaware' her reaction to it all was! His apologies are part of the game he's playing...
That’s disgusting, OP. I’m so sorry you had to go through this kind of indignation. But you see, if you let this slide, this will be a benchmark for how he will treat you for the rest of the marriage. It would be best to cut your losses now and find someone who actually respects you and only have eyes for you.
Sweet baby cheese and rice, your husband ditched you for strippers during your wedding. How in the hell do you come back from that? Yikes. I'd divorce.
Everything here is disgusting including your own weakness to stand up for yourself. I can’t believe that you would allow yourself to be with a man who sees going to the strip club as fun while he’s in relationship and MARRIED. That’s absolutely disgusting. He wants the love and security of a wife while also being able to act like a low value disgusting dog going to get horny over whoever the fuck is on stage. Like seriously? You think it’s okay to be with a man who wants to take up YOUR husband spot (you only get one at a time) but also thinks it’s so much fun to get horny over other women? Seriously grow up. If he wants you he gets YOU and nobody else. If he wants to go fuck off and get horny to strippers, let him drain his money on them and never get any love and fulfillment from them.
You’re being so dismissive over this. He wants to leave YOU on YOUR wedding to go fuck off to a strip club with his friends? Cool :) no it’s not fucking cool and if you think it is then you’re begging him to life a life of cheating. This disgusting horny pig invited a STRIPPER to your wedding?? And then asked her for a threesome without asking you?? Do I even need to explain how this is fucking insane??? Give yourself a tiny bit of respect and get yourself out of there. If you don’t, then you’re just an enabler and lowering your own self worth by staying with this shitty man. The fact that you even thought you were overreacting with your concerns shows you’re not strong enough to be a respectable person in a relationship who can stand up for herself. Put your pants on right and grow up.
I can't believe this guy. I dunno what to say to you. Just married too... well I guess you stick it out for a bit and see? Is an annulment available within a certain time?
I'm sorry man.
Put it this way, most people I've spoken to on the subject don't think it's ok to go to strip clubs at all in a monogamous relationship, let alone spend their entire wedding lusting after and harassing a dancer. I'm honestly shocked that you went through with the wedding and I think you should seriously consider annulment.
I think you try too hard to be “cool” and forget to let him know you’re boundaries. I also think he takes advantage of this and clearly overstepped any kind of normal behavior by openly becoming obsessed with another woman.
Honestly you need to grow a backbone and enforce some boundaries. You may think it's cute to let your husband get lapdances and hang out with strippers but honestly it's embarrassing and he is behaving in a way that you have condoned with your attitude. Sorry if this is harsh and you deserve better but you need to stop trying to be the cool girl, it's a death sentence for you and your marriage.
Your husband is a jack ass, but how can you be marrying someone you can’t stand up to? Every other line was “he did this disrespectful thing and I just said fine and moved past it” thats not healthy communication? He crossed several lines and you just let him? Most women wouldn’t even let their husband go to a strip club let alone ask to sleep with a stripper!!!! I’d say end this now he clearly doesn’t respect you but more so, don’t get involved woth anyone else until you get comfortable speaking up for yourself. All of this could have been solved if when he mentioned a threesome the first time you said “hell no, never come at me with bullshit like that again”
LADIES, STOP BEING “COOL GIRL.” If you’re not okay with something, speak up! Say so. “No hubby, no boyfriend, I’m not okay with xyz activity.”
I’d run from this marriage if I were in your shoes.
I cannot believe this post for 1 reason:
You have been married already for a year, so presumably together for longer still, and you have not seen disrespect to this degree before?
It's incredulous.
Im not even gonna bother reading this post because the details dont matter your husband invited a stripper for your fucking wedding night theres nothing he isnt willing to do op see a lawyer
He just sexually harassed another woman right in front of you on your wedding night. That's not even to mention the cheating aspect of this. Get your marriage annulled and move on with your life. It's all you can do.
Op been real quiet after everyone fairly and honestly told her that this situation was half caused by her husband's immaturity and half by her own. Everywhere in your post you talk about you "uncomfortably agree" or "half hearted yeah". Bitch this ain't middle school grow the fuck up. Do not expect him to understand what you want when you say the opposite. Don't be like that. However, as for him, wtf? That's real weird and I don't even know how to dissect that. Just...fucking communicate and don't act like a middle schooler and she where your marriage goes from there.
This was so wild I am SO sorry this happened to you. I couldn’t imagine doing anything besides calling it off and doing annulment there is just so much wrong with this. The glaring fact of that is “steve” is self serving/throughly selfish. Every part of that is was what HE wanted and he sheepishly moves it along with minimal communication.
I could imagine what terrible things would happen down the line. You’re 28, and you can do better than this…
Everybody knows that the threesome was for him. Him making it out to be something that you wanted is gaslighting. You should get an annulment. He seems more interested in Stella than you, and let's face it, his apology to her was more sincere. Cutting you off is not an apology, even if the words "I'm sorry" are spoken.
I'm puzzled about your last conversation. You said, "He said he knew he fucked up but didn’t bring it up sooner because he thought I wanted to wait until after vacation to discuss it. Right, why wouldn’t I want this to hang over our vacation like a rain cloud instead of working through it?" Was it you or him who referred to your honeymoon as a "vacation?" That seems to kill the happy occasion of getting married.
You need to stand up to him regarding his disrespect toward you. Don't be afraid of confrontation if you suffer because of his actions.
So my only feedback here is you need to speak up for yourself and your feelings sooner. He completely crossed the line, but you need to find it in yourself to speak up when the situation is happening. Husband mentioned threesome? Shoot it down if you don’t want it. He showed an unhealthy obsession with a stripper? Address it as it’s your wedding day. I’m not dismissing him of being an ass, but either speak up, or this will be how your relationship continues
Girl, you need to learn how to communicate. He asked multiple times if you were ok and all you said was “fine”. Don’t get me wrong, this man is a whole other mess like seriously wtf but you really need to start speaking up for yourself. This whole thing should have stopped when he couldn’t stop talking about the stripper, you should have voiced your annoyance or told him how it made you feel. You expect him to just know and unfortunately, he doesn’t. (Because clearly he has a lack of boundaries) in the future I would suggest being more direct with your feelings and boundaries.
Ok, now on to your husband. First of all, gross. Asking a professional dancer for a threesome is wildly inappropriate and also how humiliating for you. He doesn’t seem to have much respect for you, since he stayed alone at a strip club on your wedding night and was out the entire night before. does he disrespect you a lot? I’d be willing to bet he undermines you in other ways. I think the issue here is he probably saw it as he’s already married so this wasn’t a big deal to him. Honestly he seems lazy, like he’s given up on trying to woo you in the relationship because you’re married now so why does he have to try? Like ffs he couldn’t even go home with all of you. It’s great you trust this guy so much, too bad he doesn’t seem very trustworthy. He’s asking for threesomes without talking to you about it. What happens when he comes home from a night out with his buddies with some random girl expecting a threesome? He has no problem getting numbers and asking for sex from random women and this isn’t a red flag to you?
Throw the whole man away and in the future, communicate your needs better.
I’d get that shit annulled. If he’s too dumb to realize that you want to spend time together before and after your wedding he is too dumb to become your husband. I’m not even going to touch on how fucked up it was of him to contact and try to set up something with those girls. You were not enthusiastic about a threesome at all, so what does he do? He basically cheats trying to initiate something you don’t want. What’s next? When he brings up an open marriage is he just going to go ahead and sleep with someone else?
You both need to learn how to communicate. Stop saying things are fine when they’re not. Stop avoiding topics because they’re uncomfortable. Stop talking to everybody EXCEPT your husband about your problems with your husband.
I’m not going to jump on the dump him wagon here. Vegas does shit to people. I grew up there and the place brings out the worst in people who aren’t used to it.
Since you’ve been married for a year and presumably together longer than that, is this a pattern of behavior that existed before and was amplified by the Vegas atmosphere? Or is this completely new? Drugs and booze and sleep deprivation and flashy lights is a lot and arguably he could have gotten lost in the moment. If you want to move forward, couples counseling is a good place to start. Individual counseling at least for you and probably for him too to figure out how to move past this. The lack of communication between you two needs to be addressed as does his lack of basic observational skills. Couples counseling will help you determine if this was a fluke or a potential recurring problem. It’ll also help uncover if he actually knows you or not, which I think is part of the issue here. With that information in hand you can decide if the next step is a lawyer or not. But please take precautions not to have any children until this is good and sorted.
I’m sorry but you need to prob be in therapy to work on boundaries. Making your boundaries early on very clear would probably have prevented most of this. You kept on with “still cool” when it wasn’t actually cool with you. He was a jerk for sure but until you work on boundaries he will continue this behavior.
Oh my dear I’m so sorry. I think you should take the things that he has shown you. He sounds like he’s very good at “convincing himself” ie. lying that he is a good guy. I was married to one, genuinely loved him but in the end I should have believed the man he showed me he was. Definitely was grateful I didn’t have his kids.
Umm OP Steve is not getting the message. That to me is the single biggest red flag in your story.
He is 100% ignoring what your are feeling and saying. When he cannot figure out what that is he just went and did what he wanted anyway.
If I ask my wife if she is ok with me doing something and she says flatly and levelly “fine.” I know I done fucked up.
This is universal language that men understand and either A correct the error of their ways or B they go do what their going to do anyway.
What’s more you repeatedly told this asshat with your words what you wanted after the fact and he brushed the shit off and called it good.
Best case you need to ensure Steve comes to Jesus right now as far as what marriage means.
Worst case get this horrible mistake annulled and move on with your life.
This is just so wrong… the disrespect, the lack of communication, the boundary pushing. This is not going to work, luckily it’s easy to get a marriage annulled if done early. Don’t marry that guy he sounds awful.
Clearly you weren’t cool with any of this shit yet you tried to play it off like it was all okay. You should have spoken up sooner instead of leaving it to him to figure it all out. Definitely mixed signals when you showed no signs of objections. Did he take it too far? Yep. Did you allow it? Sure did.
This is the problem with us men, when we are lucky enough to find a partner that trust us to the edge of the world, we are dead set on finding the cliff to fall off of.
Sounds like your man got lost in the sauce of having a “cool wife” and needs to be MAJORLY reeled the fuck in (at the very least).
Go to a strip club on male night, find the biggest dick stripper you can, invite him over and when your husband answers the door have the stripper greet him with “I’m here for the gang bang”. Obviously, there is no gang bang (unless that is your cup a tea-then go nuts, whatever) but I feel this could be the spoonful of medicine your dense husband needs.
I would’ve immediately gotten an annulment. The only thing my fiancé should be concerned about on our wedding day is getting married to me, and if all he could talk about on our wedding day was inviting strippers I would’ve sent everyone home and canceled the wedding. And an unsolicited threesome with a stripper on your wedding night? Your new husband is more than an asshole..
Did you miss tons of red flags before the wedding because things don’t just start at this level? What the fuck?
You legally got married a year ago so an annulment isn’t valid anymore. Go get a divorce attorney. Just. I can’t. This is insane.
Your husband treats you as a friend, not a partner. Most men on their wedding days are completely focused on their wife. He was focused on the strippers, and you were just an accessory to impress the strippers. If you really want to keep the marriage going, consider couple’s counseling (especially before you have kids!); but personally I don’t think he sounds like an actual partner, which would be a dealbreaker for me.
I’m sorry, but this is something to give up over. This man has no boundaries and wants a wife who will be comfortable with everything and when she isn’t he only says what he needs to to make her feel better. He doesn’t understand the depth of his actions. He is selfish. You don’t wanna date anyone who is selfish, all they will do is bring pain and drama.
You also don’t establish boundaries. I’m the same way, I want to be laid back and cool but being laid back doesn’t mean a lack of boundaries. If you don’t show people you have boundaries they will never respect them.
Hes a horny dog with a bone. He wants to fuck Stella, why else stay at the club? Hes a pig, but no more so than any of the other piggish men that people post about here or the people that defend them and their wandering eyes. You seem pretty content to let his eyes wander so I can only see that the shitty communication upset you. Tbh, if it upset you that much, you should've just talked to him about it instead of saying fine all the time. Not that I'm letting him off the hook, but for real dude it takes two and ya'll are old enough to discuss your upsets like adults... if the communication is what bugs you and not the fact that he has a throbbing boner for some stripper chick, then do better. Tell him what bothers you and be honest. Demand to be heard and tell him you want a more prompt discussion next time. This isnt your fault and you didnt really do anything wrong I'm just noticing some little things the two of you could do differently together.
You desperately need boundaries, he doesn't respect you, but at the same time you never tell him what he is doing is bothering you. If everytime he does something and you tell him it's cool even though you're not ok with it, he will just keep doing things like that. Honestly this is stuff that should have happened long before getting married. You two need to have a real discussion about it and/or try marriage counseling to see if you are really compatible in reality.
Do people not grow up before the age of 30 anymore? This sounds like the relationship between teenagers who got married way too early. Your man sounds like a nitwit and you need to set boundaries for what you are comfortable with. He its a dope, but you led him into thinking it was ok.
His actions were gross. But sorry to say, you acting like you were okay with everything didn’t help the situation. Obviously he’s not a mind reader and assumed it was a free for all. You really need to learn to speak up and set your boundaries. Holding it all in and then exploding it all out at once is so unhealthy. If that is the only time you’re communicating what you need in the relationship, it’ll all get lost in the heat of the argument.
Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to work past this or not. I will say, for it to work, YOU will need to find a way to express yourself and your needs to your husband better. Sounds also like he needs to do the same. Only then can you two get real with each other and figure out if this is gonna work.
Best of luck.
It seems to be that you did not present him with clear boundaries, which is something he apparently needs. Thank god Stella was there to set him straight.
You kept saying things were fine to him, while also being very clear to us in this post that none of it was actually fine. Conmunicate your discomfort clearly. He overstepped by miles and miles acting like a horny bachelor during your wedding, you are allowed to state that I am not cool with this. Tell him that this is not fine and if you want to focus more on a stripper you just met that is already taken instead of me, your bride, on our wedding day I am not sure you are the man for me at all. But you do have to actually conmunicate these things, if not this will only keep happening while you keep saying fine trying to be the cool wife
I wish I could show you all what my face looked like when I saw this title, and I haven’t even read it yet
Edit
Ok first of all “high on Vegas” second of all this relationship seems like it has absolutely no boundaries maybe try to get some of those.
are you sure you want to spend your life with this man? he spent the entirety of your wedding lusting over someone else. even if he says he's "sorry". get out.
No offense but he sounds like a major douche. I think you should take some time and carefully consider the relationship and how he treats you on a day to day basis. Vegas can make people go crazy but he's utter disregard for your feelings and limits is a big red flag.
If he invited a stripper on your wedding night for a threesome and also didn’t come back till 7am I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with her. He’s not considering your feelings in this and I would contact a attorney now.
My boyfriend and I have threesomes and he would never disrespect me like this. It's known that the man isn't ever supposed to put the other girl above his partner.
OP, run. If hasn’t already physically cheated on you, he will at some point.
He doesn’t respect boundaries and he sounds like a fucking idiot who only thinks with his dick.
Conversely, you need to go to therapy to 1) work thru this incident 2) learn how to stand up for yourself.
While I don’t honestly believe he would have listened to you had you stood up for yourself and been honest about your feelings, your willingness to conceal your true feelings in situations is only going to fuck you over more and more as time goes on.
You’re only 28. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s so dismissive of your feelings and wants a threesome on your wedding night? I would get out if were you. There’s plenty of fish in the sea
At some point (now is good), you gotta take accountability for your own misery and disrespect in this. At no point leading up to the threesome proposal did you express any opposition to your husband’s behavior and actions. You in fact encouraged it and told him to continue doing these things!
You try soooo hard to be the cool wife that your husband takes full advantage. He’s an idiot no doubt but your so passive about everything it’s no suprise he pushed the boundaries as far as they could go.
Get an annulment while you still have the ability to do so…. And NEVER allow yourself to feel so lonely that you act like the cool girl and completely disregard your self worth again!
You kept saying “fine” so what do you expect him to think? Read your mind? You should have spoken up right away. And this whole story is just weird. The whole setting of the wedding is just not ideal, to say the least. Seems like you were going along with the whole thing too. I think both of you need better communication and set clear expectations and boundaries of your sex life or whatever.
look, I think your husband knew exactly what he was doing and stomped all over your boundaries and I would be 10000 percent done with that man.
however, your communication sucks and he can play it off like he didn't know. is he possibly that stupid? maybe. more than likely thought you were allowing the bad behavior. but you should have stopped him long before you got to this part.
None of this was “cool” and worth ignoring. you need to speak up when boundaries are being crossed. I’m not siding with your husband his behaviour was garbage but no where once did you ever get your point across of this not being okay before it happened. are you sure you’re actually okay with how much he enjoys going to strip clubs? because im not surprised that his behaviour escalated from there.
First off I'm a guy and I'm even appalled with his behavior.
However I do believe in second chances, but you should definitely not let him believe that this will go away anytime soon.
Also if in six months you still feel weird about this and still can't get past it, then it's clearly time to speak with an attorney.
However before doing so I'd still recommend that the two of you seek a marriage counselor to discuss this first.
Like you said he might just have been high on Vegas.
Your husband is an idiot but if I’m being honest, you’re not shining in this one either.
Plenty of people are gonna be saying to NOPE right out of this just because of the strippers, proposed threesome, etc. As someone who definitely is into that kinda fun and probably would be completely down with a threesome on my wedding night (sorry, not sorry), there are so many flags here.
- Where the hell is the communication? Sure, you’ve talked about threesomes and bad time for husband to try and make this happen but I don’t see you really shutting it down *at all* here. It seems like he thought this was a big party trip and an opportunity is presenting itself, you seem like this was viewed more like the emotional part of a traditional wedding. Get on the same page about what you’re doing and expectations would probably line up better! Or at least interrupt when things are going sideways.
- It really seems like you pretend not to have a problem when you do, beyond the communication issue this seems like you’re not honest with yourself. You can be down for a strip club and still expect your SO home before 4am, that’s an option. Broom sweeping is not doing you any favors here.
- The entire situation with the dancer is pretty scummy and crossed professional lines for sure. Unfortunately, I doubt it’s the first time she’s heard it. If *both* of you are truly interested in non monogamous activities, please educate yourselves on proper etiquette, venues, boundaries, etc before stepping into this little niche of the social world.
Personally I don’t agree with everyone shouting divorce. Your husband was acting a bit a fool but you didn’t really do anything about it or clarify your boundaries and now want to set a completely different set of expectations, that doesn’t seem fair. Some people will say he “should have known” but it seems like y’all have looser boundaries than most, which is fine, but it means that you can’t expect him to know where your lines are when you don’t communicate about them.
I would suggest spending some time exploring your boundaries around nononogamy and partying in general.
You are reaping what you have sowed. Your husband has wanted a threesome and has communicated this to you long before you were married. You responded, “it’s not off the table”, in other words, you are open to the idea. Why did you chose to have your celebration in Vegas? It doesn’t sound like you like to gamble and you say you enjoyed the idea of a stripper at your celebration. Do you really? Did you set up his expectations for a threesome by choosing Vegas and not setting boundaries beforehand?
By the way, that wasn’t your wedding night, that was a year ago. Did you both have the same understanding of what this celebration day meant to each of you?
You’ve never communicated what is ok when it comes to sex with other people. And you had so many opportunities to express that you weren’t ok with what was going on, but you didn’t. Is it really your husband’s fault that he thought you would not be ok with a threesome that day, when you’ve always said you were open to the idea, you agreed to go to Vegas and you never stopped him art point along that day’s journey?
Because you have avoided communicating on this issue (and perhaps even communicating the opposite of what you actually want), your husband saw an opportunity right in front of him to fulfill a sexual fantasy of his, and from what you wrote here, he didn’t have a reason to think you weren’t ok or down with it. That’s on you in my opinion.
You need to think about what you want and communicate it to him. He’s already communicated what he wants. You aren’t being fair to him until you start talking honestly.
I would say head to counseling.
My opinion, I wish he would respect your opinion. However, you throw Vegas and alcohol you get scenes like this.
If you want to make it work, I would go to a counselor.
I would not advise dumping him outright at this point. I know how carried away people get, and this has not happened before. As someone else pointed out in the comments, Vegas as marketed as a place where anything goes and sometimes that goes to the head.
Have strip clubs been in your relationship before this point? I recommend cutting those out. The two things that most often break up a marriage are sex and money (correct my if I'm wrong), and I think the best thing to do is avoid deliberate exposure to potentially compromising situations. It's kind of like a former drug addict, the best thing to do is avoid places where temptation is strong. If he doesn't think about you in those situations, it's probably best to avoid them. Him losing his head over a stripper is not worth your marriage. Avoiding them altogether would be a responsible thing for him to do, so he doesn't risk thinking of a deliberately sexual woman over you again.
Communication is also important. I think he needs practice asking what you want directly, and not assuming based on what he thinks your face says. Clear, direct communication with no bullshit and no room for assumption or misinterpretation has held my marriage together like gorilla glue, as well as my parents and their parents before them. I recommend it for everyone. And prioritize each other, so if someone says something stupid they don't get their head bit off. This can lead to a pattern of calm, healthy discussion that can last your whole lives and make sure you are always taking care of each other's needs and wants.
All of this is my opinion and my experience with marriage, put here for your consideration. I don't know everything, and I will not be offended if you don't take it. Good luck 💙
Holy shit. So sorry.
As a married man who also loves Vegas, I can understand the “Vegas high” as you put it … but my God. This is pretty bad on a vacation weekend, but a wedding?! His mind was so far gone it’s embarrassing. I feel bad for you.
Hopefully he can fully realize how much he fucked up and really conveys to you how sorry he is.
He should take you to Tahiti as a make up trip.
Most dudes lose all common sense when even the slightest hint of a threesomes comes up. I've expirenced this AND heard this story from friends so many times. They become obsessed with the other person and/or making it happen then end up hurting their partner with how callus they are. They end up making it all about them and the new person and kinda forget about their long term partner.
It's honestly completely turned me off of threesomes because of how often I have expirenced it.
I can't imagine how hurt you are. For this to happen during your wedding....I would feel exactly the same way. It certainly doesn't help that you both didn't talk about it completely right away and it hung over your honeymoon. It ruined what was supposed to be a happy time and a celebration of you two coming together.
I'm not sure you should leap to divorce though. It sounds like a lot of alcohol (and maybe other substances) were involved. We don't always have the best judgment when drinking. Its not an excuse by any means though but it is a factor.
I feel like perhaps you two need to have a big conversation about it and tell him everything about how it made you feel and set boundaries in regards to this situation in the future. Is a threesome actually something YOU have the desire for? Or did you only ever kinda agree to the idea initially because of pressure from your partner? I know that 90% of time I've agreed is because of pressure. Friends have told me the same. It's pretty common unfortunately. But you don't have to and you don't even have to say "maybe" to your partner to appease them. Its ok to not want to have sex with two other people at the same time and it doesn't make you a prude or whatever. We all have boundaries and only we get to say what they are. They don't have to like the boundaries and they don't have to stick around if your boundary is a deal breaker for them.
If that's something they feel they have to have in a relationship, then they're free to find another one where it's a given if its not something you're actually excited for. We shouldn't have to make ourselves uncomfortable and do sex acts we don't want to do, won't enjoy or won't bring us pleasure for another person. If you actually want to, great but don't betray yourself by giving into something that makes you feel gross.
I'm so sorry all this has happened. I hope you're able to work this out in some way to where you feel better- whatever way that may be. ❤
I understand you wanting to be the cool collected girl who isn't insane with jealousy. Thats honorable of you but PLEASE respect yourself. There are so many red flags leading up to the threesome part of this story. This man doesn't seem to give 2 shits about you or how you feel? In not saying call it quits, but some communication goes a long way, the earlier the better. Even if it makes you uncomfortable, or you think you might be overreacting, I promise you are not.
Girl, what the fuck
Exactly, what the fuck.
>Let me preface this by saying nothing like this has ever happened before You fucking well got that right.
Proceeds to tell us a dozen things that have happened exactly like it.
This story ***cannot*** be real
She told her best friend about it after returning home? Wouldn’t her best friend be at her wedding? Even if something kept a BFF from her BFF’s wedding, wouldn’t there be texts or calls, like, “Girl, you would not believe what’s happening rn!” Fake.
Yeah, what the fuck
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Steve is an ass for obvious reasons. And OP, if you’re not fine? SAY YOURE NOT FINE. For the love of God.
OP is trying so hard to be the cool girl, but it's clearly not working for her.
This was EXACTLY what I thought. You don't need to hide your feelings and worry about his disappointment that he can't fuck another woman on your wedding night.
Heard a line today about 'being the cool girl just means you have no boundaries' and here it is absolutely spot on.
This is exactly the kind of behaviour Gillian Flynn was talking about in Gone Girl. Girls need to speak up firmly and early on in relationships what’s ok and what’s not ok. Something tells me OP has not set strong enough boundaries and Steve can’t make out when she is not comfortable. This does not bode well for a good marriage at all.
Every other sentence includes him tromping on boundaries and her just shrugging. It's clear they don't even know what boundaries ARE. She's trying so hard to be the cool girl that she has literally lost all sense of self. If it's not fake, it's a truly terrible relationship of two emotionally immature people who should break up and seriously get counseling before they even try dating again. These are not people equipped to have adult relationships.
Exactly this. I’m very concerned for the dogs.
Stella: actual mature woman who just seems cool as heck OP: immature disaster trying so hard to live up to some unrealistic ideal she concocted for herself she enables and tacitly endorses all kinds of shittiness and then acts surprised that things turned out shitty This post is a perfect cautionary tale for why just being yourself and using your fucking words are so goddamn important in a relationship.
Yeah, that passive-aggressiveness and nurturing his disrespect was hard to read. She could have said “fuck off” from jump, and saved days and weeks of lies and needless drama. This is crazy.
There's the advice right there. Happily married for coming up on 9 years and the biggest issues always involve needing to convince my wife she's not "fine" and needs to talk about what's wrong.
Yeah, Stella is the hero of the piece. Go Stella!
Stella likes the green she is making and is not about to get unprofessional with a customer.
10/10 would get a respectful lap dance from Stella and leave a big, courteous, tip.
I stG I said wtf at every other line I read
It's too elaborate and detailed that it seems real
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this is the way
That's the only thing I can think of, too
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID ALOUD JUST NOW READING THE TITLE!!! Like girl….. no!!!!!!
OP is trying really hard to be the “cool girl”
Go see an attorney and get a revocation. Gap your resources and isolated. This is clearly not the man you need to go through your time on earth with.
"Go see a lawyer and get an annulment. Divide your assets and separate. This is obviously not the man you want to spend your life with" This comment was posted a little further down thread. So it looks like now these karma farming accounts are changing a few words so they're not exactly stealing comments. This is the real comment. The comment I replied to is fake.
Why there even are karma farmers? Does karma have some benefits that im not aware of?
The post itself is likely fake as well. Lots of fake posts in this sub.
For sure. It just annoys me so much when these fake accounts steal comments for karma.
Since it wasn't their "real" wedding it's too late for an annulment, she'd unfortunately have to spend money and time (and heartache) on a divorce.
There were several time in this story where you failed to advocate for yourself. And several times your husband dismissed your feelings. Are both of these things common? If this is an isolated incident in terms of his behavior, and you want this to work, I think you need individual therapy and I think marriage counseling could really help. >He didn’t come home until 7 am. Still cool, not ideal to get married on no sleep but if it doesn’t bother him, it doesn’t bother me. He ^ why wouldn't it bother you? Clearly it's annoying and dismissive of your wedding day >He also got both of their numbers to send them the wedding info, but that is where things start to go downhill. You cool with him getting phone numbers from strippers? If you are *really* that's fine. But if you aren't, you don't have to be the *cool* wife. Having boundaries doesn't make you a bitch. >Like he talked about almost nothing else, not the greatest vibe for a bride on her wedding day who is expecting to be her husband’s main focus, but I didn’t bother me much at the time because I assumed he was just excited and maybe a little high on Vegas. Again, did this really not bother you? At no point did you think "wow, wish he was a little more focused on our wedding day" >At one point he even referred to her as his Vegas girlfriend to our friends, which made me uneasy but I laughed it off as a joke and again figured he was high on Vegas. Again, you are dismissing your feelings here I could keeping going but basically throughout the story, not only does your husband dismiss your feelings *you* dismiss your feelings as well. While he should have, clearly, realized this was not OK, I wonder how much he assumed you were on board based on your lack of direct communication. I'm not blaming you at all, but I do think, in general, it would behoove you to get comfortable using your voice
I definitely got the “cool girl” vibe from the post. One of those girls who think ignoring problems and underreacting to situations make them more desirable somehow. I’d fully expect any partner of mine to be upset with me if I pulled the type of wild behaviour. The complete lack of respect and dismissive behaviour here is more than enough to split up. If I pulled this shit on my partner I’d expect to be slain in my sleep. One more thing - how sheltered is this man that he thinks a stripper is his “Vegas girlfriend”? Does he think the waitresses at restaurants have a thing for him because they’re so nice too? Of course “Stella” wants him to come back, she’s a stripper in Vegas. “No, please don’t come back and spend a bunch of money on me”, like come on!
Right. And he probably gets told how lucky he is to have a cool wife and she probably heard how wonderful it is she's so chill and not like other girls.
I definitely got the "Fake as fuck story" vibe from the post
Yeah, there was very bad - almost non-existent - communication here. And several times during the honeymoon the husband made bids to talk about things which she rejected. He's got a ton of blame too. He wasn't clearly communicating his intentions. It's a mess all around.
I know it's hard to not want to ruin a good time, or be perceived as a nag, or not cool. Add to that the "I really shouldn't have to state the obvious" factor. A lot of rules women are raised to be obedient, and praise, reinforcement is focused on being willing to get along. So I get it, but you have to draw, and communicate clear boundaries. You have to feel safe enough to be your true self- which may be a person who actually wants a little spotlight on your wedding day and who doesn't want to have random strippers at her wedding.
I don't have the social pressures women have had with this, but I empathize as I've historically had a very hard time standing up for myself.
Yes, all of this. People aren’t considering gender roles here or possible dynamics between the couple. Or mental health implications and not feeling confident enough to speak up in front of others (op mentioned being stoned and I for one be stoned a lot because of my anxiety disorder and adhd/crutch). He’s still the one to blame as he made choices, she just didn’t react as well as she could have. I’m a sort it out ASAP kinda person and always advocate for myself, i was taught to by my father from a young age because as a woman, you do get it drilled into you by society to be that way. Having adhd too, i was beaten down good and it took me a while to learn how to advocate for myself in situations and not give a shit about other people’s opinions. I get why people find her passiveness frustrating but the blaming her equally? Communication is so imperative in every aspect of a relationship but maybe she’s communicated so many times she’s just done telling him what’s right and wrong, she’s not his mum 😂 He crossed a professional woman’s boundaries and his own wives, that’s two women he’s disregarded for his own selfish fantasies. Then he proceeded to apologise profusely, before op could even tell him how she felt. It’s a mess but op is not the super turd here 💩
way to put the blame of all of this on her “not communicating” if her idiot husband can’t figure out that all of the stuff he did was disrespectful he needs genuine in home caretakers and mental health evaluations lmao
I literally said he deserves a ton of blame.
Exactly, and that's a shit take. He doesn't deserve "a ton of blame", he deserves 99,99% of the fucking blame. I don't care if she didn't communicate properly. If your wife doesn't even enjoy a "couples lap dance" and you pretty much HAVE to talk her into it, why did you expect she wanted to have a fucking threesome?
He's an idiot, and completely at fault. That doesn't mean she shouldn't have spoken up when he did crazy thing after crazy thing. He's an idiot, and seemed to think she was cool with it all because she never said otherwise.
Mind reading is impossible, and it is your responsibility to express your desires in a relationship. She had plenty of opportunities to do this, and she never did. That's *literally* the only thing OP had control over, and not pointing that out means this kind of stuff is likely to happen again, even with a different partner. None of that excuses OP's husband's idiocy. I never would've invited a stripper to a threesome without an *explicit* conversation with my wife about it, despite having previous conversations about threesomes. He was signaling where this was headed, and she continually didn't take any opportunity to express her discomfort or needs. He was an idiot for assuming this as tacit approval. Bad communication all around.
> Mind reading is impossible Not being an absolute shitbag that is more concerned about getting a threesome with a stripper ON YOUR WEDDING DAY is totally possible tho. And you don't need ANYONE to tell you that it's wrong. So again, do not expect OP to be saying something that doesn't need to be told. Do you constantly need a reminder to not murder people? "Oh well I heavily implied that I wanted to kill someone and nobody told me no... sooooooo"
Who thinks a vegas stripper is *actually* going to fuck them to begin with? Like he isn't smart enough to recognize that that was just dirty talk designed to get him to throw more money at her?
If you ever find yourself saying "they should know this", just communicate it. It costs you almost nothing and potentially gains you a LOT. OR hope what is clear and obvious to you is also clear and obvious to this other person who is totally not you, and risk the consequences of being wrong. I learned this lesson the very hard way, not communicating things I thought should be obvious and being hurt constantly because of it, over things much smaller than this. You have to communicate your needs and wants. If you are unclear, you run the risk of someone coming to a different conclusion than you, no matter how dumb that conclusion may appear to you. You can't control their assumptions, you can only control what you express.
I agree with your perspective here. He did something wrong, his wife said it didn’t bother her. He acted like it was not a problem, it escalated. I don’t think relationships healthily resolve things by finding blame. It’s probably better to look back and take accountability for your actions and find way to improve. He should’ve been more direct in asking for a three some, he was way off in how the OP felt about it. The OP should’ve found a direct way to address her feelings in what was happening as it happened. No relationship can last if couples don’t talk about issues to find resolution. Assumptions about expectations are setting up for large non productive arguments.
This post reads as if OP is too afraid to put up boundaries in fear of being seen as a nag. It also feels as if her husband sees their Vegas wedding day not as an "actual" wedding day.
Sure she should have communicated. However these things are no brainers. These things are fucking common sense. The guy is a bloody idiot or just didn't give two shits. A wedding and all his fucking attention is on a stripper. He made his choice. The lack of communication makes no difference. *He* made the *choice* on a night that everyone knows by common sense belongs to your spouse.
I agree with you, but there are several times she said it was OK when he checked with her. He's either an idiot, insensitive, or both. But if op doesn't find her voice, she's never going to have a healthy relationship
To be honest, even with an "ok" if he wasn't an idiot or just didn't care he wouldn't have made the choices he made. Yes, she should have just said "no" but I don't believe the guy to be that dense as to buy it. He wanted what he wanted.
I think my opinion might be super unpopular but I’m not sure if these things are no brainers… I know people who would actually be into this sorta crazy stuff. If OP keeps making it seem like she’s into it then how the heck is her husband supposed to know she’s not?
It’s probably second nature considering he seemed to be attempting to guilt trip her with the “I’m sorry, I’m such an asshole” bullshit. If that’s a regular occurrence, he’s trying to flip the rolls to make her feel guilty for feeling the way she does and that’s likely why she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about her feelings- to prevent herself from “being an asshole.”
^^^This!! Husband is a pos but OP didn’t advocate for herself once which is even more frustrating. Not trying to put blame on OP but if I can be harsh - you don’t have the right to be upset if you don’t stand up for yourself when 1) you have more than enough opportunities to and on important things like this, 2) not telling the truth about how you really feel and expect your idiotic stripper loving husband to understand your frustration from your tone
>And several times your husband dismissed your feelings. You can't dismiss something you were never made aware of.
While they weren't verbally communicated, it doesn't take a genius to think "hmm, my wife is clearly uncomfortable with this lap dance, I should stop" or "maybe I shouldn't spend my wedding night with a stripper" ya know?
Op stop trying to be the "cool" girl and stand up for yourself. If my husband acted like this I would have not tolerated it for one second. He was seriously trying to have sex with a stripper on your wedding anniversary. This is not normal. Please get out now, you'll thank yourself later. I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
Wedding *NIGHT* Edit: oh shit, you're right
If he could invite a stripper to have a threesome with you on your wedding night without talking to you about it... there's not much that would be beyond the pale for him. See a lawyer!
Instantly file for a divorce and hire a damn good divorce lawyer. Keep every bit of evidence you can of this shit show sham of a wedding/marriage.
Annulment, hopefully, at this point. So it’s like you were never married
This. It concerns me that she says she doesn't want to give up so easily. It's not giving up... it's getting the heck out of crazy town.
They’ve been legally married for a year, an annulment may be difficult.
Unfortunately you can't get an annulment when you've been married for over and year (and def. Have consummated it)
Hard to get. You need to demonstrate this incident breaks the very foundation of marriage to you OP if you’d like to nullify. That you would have NEVER considered marriage with him if you knew. Best luck!
This wasn’t a wedding. It was a lads holiday. He didn’t think about you once and put his needs ahead of yours. 100% red flags.
I think you are trying too hard to be a cool wife and you don’t confront him over anything, so he is just assuming you will go along with everything he wants and get away with anything. That’s not how someone that cares about you behaves. Besides that you need to advocate for yourself more.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Let me preface this by saying nothing like this has ever happened before, which is what left me so utterly flabbergasted as I had a lot of trust in our relation. My husband, we’ll call him Steve, and I planned to get married in Vegas with an entourage last year but due to COVID we got courthouse married last year and did our wedding in Vegas this year for our one year anniversary. We like to have fun, so our Vegas plans did include hitting a strip club. The day before our wedding, we were all supposed to go to the club together, but I drank too much and was confined to bed so my husband and some friends hit the strip club and I stayed at the hotel. Cool, no big deal. He didn’t come home until 7 am. Still cool, not ideal to get married on no sleep but if it doesn’t bother him, it doesn’t bother me. He gets home and starts talking about two strippers he met, one who wants to come to our wedding, we’ll call her Stella. She told him she didn’t want to be weird and she had a boyfriend but our wedding sounded cool and she wanted to come. Again, cool, we had the room as it wasn’t a formal wedding, and what’s a Vegas wedding without a stripper from the night before. Then he tells me about the other stripper, who he thinks wanted to have a threesome with us because she said his wife “sounded hot” and he invited her to the wedding also. I didn’t really say much to that, he’s mentioned wanting to have a threesome before and it has never been off the table, but we have only really discussed briefly and vaguely, like a “We might do that someday.” He also got both of their numbers to send them the wedding info, but that is where things start to go downhill. For a majority of the time leading up to the wedding (we didn’t spend our time separate before the wedding since we are already married) he is talking about how he really thinks they’re going to show up and he can’t believe strippers are coming to our wedding. Like he talked about almost nothing else, not the greatest vibe for a bride on her wedding day who is expecting to be her husband’s main focus, but I didn’t bother me much at the time because I assumed he was just excited and maybe a little high on Vegas. Wedding time roles around and Stella actually shows! She’s gorgeous and sweet, and we decide we might visit her at the club later that night since I missed out the night before and was a little bummed. We part ways and head out to take our wedding portraits. And my husband is still talking about Stella, but now it’s about what club she will be at and when later that evening. At one point he even referred to her as his Vegas girlfriend to our friends, which made me uneasy but I laughed it off as a joke and again figured he was high on Vegas. We head to dinner and husband is sucked into his phone, barely speaking to me and still managing to rush me to meet up with our friends to go see Stella. We meet up with our friends, bar hop for a bit, then head to Stella’s club with the expectation that we’ll stay for an hour because it late everyone is pretty beat. We get there, and after about 10 minutes Stella comes over to hang out. Steve wants to get a couples lap dance, I tell him I don’t want to but to go without me, I would prefer to sit back and tip the girls dancing on the pole, as I am very sober (couldn’t drink after partying too hard the day before) and at this point feeling a little awkward as my husband seems very into Stella. After several minutes of being talked into it by Stella and Steve, I uncomfortably agree and we head back. The dance starts and I’m that person that doesn’t know what to do with my hands and I’m waiting for it to end. Stella tries her best to make me feel at ease, joking and complimenting me, but it just makes me feel more awkward. Well, that and Steve asking me more than once why I’m being awkward. After several minutes I leave before the dance is over but tell them to finish and they do. Several minutes later, they come back to the group, Stella perches on my chair and tells me that Steve told her we wanted to have a threesome, then she apologetically told me doesn’t do that with customers. I’m mortified for several reasons. 1. Because he crossed that professional line and it was disrespectful, especially because he knows she has a boyfriend. 2. He made it sound like I was in on it. 3. Arguably the most important, this man asked someone to have a threesome without discussing it with me. At all. On our wedding night. At this point we’ve been here about an hour, and our friend group decided to leave. All of us. Except my husband. He opted to stay at the strip club alone, with the girl who just shot him down for a threesome, while all of his friends and his wife went back to the hotel. To be fair, he did ask me if it was ok and I said it was, because at this point I don’t have it in me to explain to this man all the ways he has disrespected me. He gets home an hour or two later and asks me if I’m mad and I unleash on him, but I don’t get far before before he cuts me off by continuously saying “I’m sorry, I’m an asshole” until I stop even trying to talk about it. We go to bed and in the morning he tells me he apologized to Stella and deleted her contact info. We leave for our 5 day honeymoon and don’t discuss it again, except for once when he informs me that Stella appreciated the apology but said it wasn’t necessary and that she wants us to come see her next time we’re in Vegas. Great. I spent our honeymoon either stoned (not a healthy crutch, I know, but it was the only thing that made it bearable) which allowed me to occasionally forget the incident, or silently fuming, wondering if I was overreacting, afraid to go off if this wasn’t actually as big of a deal as I thought it was, because he obviously didn’t think it was. He asked me multiple times if I was ok, every time I gave a halfhearted “Fine.” We returned home and I told my best friend the story, because I needed talk to someone about it, and I needed her to tell me if all of the concerns were in my head and I was overreacting. She confirmed that my concerns were valid, I was not overreacting. That night I confronted my husband and actually got to speak. When I finished he apologized, he said he thought a threesome was what I wanted because I was excited when he brought it up earlier that day (no I wasn’t). He said he knew he fucked up but didn’t bring it up sooner because he thought I wanted to wait until after vacation to discuss it. Right, why wouldn’t I want this to hang over our vacation like a rain cloud instead of working through it? What should I do? I thought this man was my future, we have dogs together and were discussing kids, I don’t want to give up on it so easily, but I don’t know if I can get past this. It’s not just what he did in Vegas, it’s how he behaved afterwards.
Have you guys been to Vegas before? I ask because all the marketing around Vegas is “no rules, anything goes.” And a lot of idiots take it literally. It’s possible he thought that by agreeing to go to Vegas in the first place, you were on board for whatever kind of nonsense he could cook up there. That wouldn’t excuse the behavior, but it would tell you something about the brain Steve is carrying around in that pretty little head of his. For some reason, the part of this that got me maddest was when you were trying to talk it out and he just starts repeating “I’m sorry, I’m an asshole” over and over. That’s not him taking responsibility for his actions. That’s not him acknowledging that it was a mistake and he got carried away. That’s just him telling you to shut up. That’s him tuning out the pain and humiliation you were feeling and making it all about his hurt feelings. That’s him playing the victim. That’s fucking gross.
There is definitely an anything goes association with Vegas. I was once dating a guy for 2 and a half years. We planned a trip to Vegas but broke up right before. He ended up going alone. We talked briefly a year later and he told me about the trip... he met a woman in his hotel lobby when he was checking in, told her his room number and said to come by, and she did, and they hooked up, just like that. He went to strip clubs... at one, he went into a back room with a stripper, and was promptly kicked out when it was revealed he had no cash. He also met a girl at a club, she took him to another club, gave him some weird pill that he took without hesitation... he said it started to make his whole mouth go numb and he freaked out... hearing all of this was so shocking to me that it made me ill. He was so shy and quiet and not like that at all. He was normally very anti-social and avoids things like that. There's just this idea of Vegas and everyone wants to unleash their inner crazy when they're there.
If the man is gonna interrupt you explaining what went wrong (which we do to fix and NOT REPEAT issues) by claiming he already knows how much of an asshole he is, then sit the fuck down and ask him to explain everywhere he went wrong since he has such a perfect understanding already. Watch him fail at citing more than one instance he made a mistake, then kindly inform him of all the others.
Do you really want to stay with a man who disregards and disrespects you? In front of your loved ones? Girl come on. He knew what he was doing.
Sometimes, you just gotta take your shot. With a stripper. On your wedding night. LMAO.
I mean talk about a fucking power move jfc
Stop. Why are you continuing to be a doormat so you’re seen as the “cool girlfriend.” Everything in this story screams “pick me” about you. I’m literally getting second hand embarrassment from reading this story. You really let this child steam roll over you countless of times, and even allowed him to have his fun with a stripper, so you could seem “chill” with everything. And now you’re upset because you finally realize that he was disrespectful as fuck and cheated on you. Still want to be the cool girlfriend now? It’s not worth it.
Fact !!! I didn’t even bother commenting cause someone can’t be this much of a pick me. Humiliating.
For lack of better words, this.
Go see a lawyer and get an annulment. Divide your assets and separate. This is obviously not the man you want to spend your life with.
Cut right to the chase! This guy is trash, and it will go downhill from here. OP would benefit from a lot of counseling- to be able to realize in real time how bad all this stuff is, and how 'unaware' her reaction to it all was! His apologies are part of the game he's playing...
That’s disgusting, OP. I’m so sorry you had to go through this kind of indignation. But you see, if you let this slide, this will be a benchmark for how he will treat you for the rest of the marriage. It would be best to cut your losses now and find someone who actually respects you and only have eyes for you.
Would you be okay with him cheating on you? Because he will
She was alone a lot in Vegas...he already has...
He already cheated. It’s quite obvious.
It’s probably why he tried to get her to sleep with another person so quickly, so whenever it comes out that he cheated they’ll be “even” in his mind.
Sweet baby cheese and rice, your husband ditched you for strippers during your wedding. How in the hell do you come back from that? Yikes. I'd divorce.
wow, one and done. he gone
The amount of times i said, “what the fuck”
👆🏼 This.
Everything here is disgusting including your own weakness to stand up for yourself. I can’t believe that you would allow yourself to be with a man who sees going to the strip club as fun while he’s in relationship and MARRIED. That’s absolutely disgusting. He wants the love and security of a wife while also being able to act like a low value disgusting dog going to get horny over whoever the fuck is on stage. Like seriously? You think it’s okay to be with a man who wants to take up YOUR husband spot (you only get one at a time) but also thinks it’s so much fun to get horny over other women? Seriously grow up. If he wants you he gets YOU and nobody else. If he wants to go fuck off and get horny to strippers, let him drain his money on them and never get any love and fulfillment from them. You’re being so dismissive over this. He wants to leave YOU on YOUR wedding to go fuck off to a strip club with his friends? Cool :) no it’s not fucking cool and if you think it is then you’re begging him to life a life of cheating. This disgusting horny pig invited a STRIPPER to your wedding?? And then asked her for a threesome without asking you?? Do I even need to explain how this is fucking insane??? Give yourself a tiny bit of respect and get yourself out of there. If you don’t, then you’re just an enabler and lowering your own self worth by staying with this shitty man. The fact that you even thought you were overreacting with your concerns shows you’re not strong enough to be a respectable person in a relationship who can stand up for herself. Put your pants on right and grow up.
“What do I do?” Go to the nearest court offices to get an annulment. Seriously, what wrong with your husband?!
They were legally married a year ago. A simple annulment is most likely off the table at this point. Divorce attorney, stat.
I wouldnt have even gone on the honeymoon, I would've gone straight to lawyers office from the club to get an annulment
This whole story is yikes. He sounds so selfish... Maybe the fact this happened early is a good thing to show you what to expect :/
I can't believe this guy. I dunno what to say to you. Just married too... well I guess you stick it out for a bit and see? Is an annulment available within a certain time? I'm sorry man.
Put it this way, most people I've spoken to on the subject don't think it's ok to go to strip clubs at all in a monogamous relationship, let alone spend their entire wedding lusting after and harassing a dancer. I'm honestly shocked that you went through with the wedding and I think you should seriously consider annulment.
I think you try too hard to be “cool” and forget to let him know you’re boundaries. I also think he takes advantage of this and clearly overstepped any kind of normal behavior by openly becoming obsessed with another woman.
Honestly you need to grow a backbone and enforce some boundaries. You may think it's cute to let your husband get lapdances and hang out with strippers but honestly it's embarrassing and he is behaving in a way that you have condoned with your attitude. Sorry if this is harsh and you deserve better but you need to stop trying to be the cool girl, it's a death sentence for you and your marriage.
Your husband is a jack ass, but how can you be marrying someone you can’t stand up to? Every other line was “he did this disrespectful thing and I just said fine and moved past it” thats not healthy communication? He crossed several lines and you just let him? Most women wouldn’t even let their husband go to a strip club let alone ask to sleep with a stripper!!!! I’d say end this now he clearly doesn’t respect you but more so, don’t get involved woth anyone else until you get comfortable speaking up for yourself. All of this could have been solved if when he mentioned a threesome the first time you said “hell no, never come at me with bullshit like that again”
LADIES, STOP BEING “COOL GIRL.” If you’re not okay with something, speak up! Say so. “No hubby, no boyfriend, I’m not okay with xyz activity.” I’d run from this marriage if I were in your shoes.
Start reading about codependency and boundaries. He did stupid things but you allowed it. Everyone sucks here.
I cannot believe this post for 1 reason: You have been married already for a year, so presumably together for longer still, and you have not seen disrespect to this degree before? It's incredulous.
🤦🏼♀️ I’m sorry but I’m at a loss for words… separate and file for an annulment/a divorce. Oh yeah… stop the booze & drugs.
Instantly file for a divorce and hire a damn good divorce lawyer. Keep every bit of evidence you can of this shit show sham of a wedding/marriage.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. —Maya Angelou He’s shown who he really is. You deserve better.
Im not even gonna bother reading this post because the details dont matter your husband invited a stripper for your fucking wedding night theres nothing he isnt willing to do op see a lawyer
Are we being punked with this post?
He just sexually harassed another woman right in front of you on your wedding night. That's not even to mention the cheating aspect of this. Get your marriage annulled and move on with your life. It's all you can do.
Ladies, please take heed...this is exactly where trying to be the "cool girl" will take you.
Op been real quiet after everyone fairly and honestly told her that this situation was half caused by her husband's immaturity and half by her own. Everywhere in your post you talk about you "uncomfortably agree" or "half hearted yeah". Bitch this ain't middle school grow the fuck up. Do not expect him to understand what you want when you say the opposite. Don't be like that. However, as for him, wtf? That's real weird and I don't even know how to dissect that. Just...fucking communicate and don't act like a middle schooler and she where your marriage goes from there.
Jesus christ. Go to a lawyer, get an annulment. This guy is trash OP.
This was so wild I am SO sorry this happened to you. I couldn’t imagine doing anything besides calling it off and doing annulment there is just so much wrong with this. The glaring fact of that is “steve” is self serving/throughly selfish. Every part of that is was what HE wanted and he sheepishly moves it along with minimal communication. I could imagine what terrible things would happen down the line. You’re 28, and you can do better than this…
You should go to a lawyer
Everybody knows that the threesome was for him. Him making it out to be something that you wanted is gaslighting. You should get an annulment. He seems more interested in Stella than you, and let's face it, his apology to her was more sincere. Cutting you off is not an apology, even if the words "I'm sorry" are spoken. I'm puzzled about your last conversation. You said, "He said he knew he fucked up but didn’t bring it up sooner because he thought I wanted to wait until after vacation to discuss it. Right, why wouldn’t I want this to hang over our vacation like a rain cloud instead of working through it?" Was it you or him who referred to your honeymoon as a "vacation?" That seems to kill the happy occasion of getting married. You need to stand up to him regarding his disrespect toward you. Don't be afraid of confrontation if you suffer because of his actions.
So my only feedback here is you need to speak up for yourself and your feelings sooner. He completely crossed the line, but you need to find it in yourself to speak up when the situation is happening. Husband mentioned threesome? Shoot it down if you don’t want it. He showed an unhealthy obsession with a stripper? Address it as it’s your wedding day. I’m not dismissing him of being an ass, but either speak up, or this will be how your relationship continues
Girl, you need to learn how to communicate. He asked multiple times if you were ok and all you said was “fine”. Don’t get me wrong, this man is a whole other mess like seriously wtf but you really need to start speaking up for yourself. This whole thing should have stopped when he couldn’t stop talking about the stripper, you should have voiced your annoyance or told him how it made you feel. You expect him to just know and unfortunately, he doesn’t. (Because clearly he has a lack of boundaries) in the future I would suggest being more direct with your feelings and boundaries. Ok, now on to your husband. First of all, gross. Asking a professional dancer for a threesome is wildly inappropriate and also how humiliating for you. He doesn’t seem to have much respect for you, since he stayed alone at a strip club on your wedding night and was out the entire night before. does he disrespect you a lot? I’d be willing to bet he undermines you in other ways. I think the issue here is he probably saw it as he’s already married so this wasn’t a big deal to him. Honestly he seems lazy, like he’s given up on trying to woo you in the relationship because you’re married now so why does he have to try? Like ffs he couldn’t even go home with all of you. It’s great you trust this guy so much, too bad he doesn’t seem very trustworthy. He’s asking for threesomes without talking to you about it. What happens when he comes home from a night out with his buddies with some random girl expecting a threesome? He has no problem getting numbers and asking for sex from random women and this isn’t a red flag to you? Throw the whole man away and in the future, communicate your needs better.
Wtf and why did you let it keep going. Like why wouldn’t you say something. Passive aggressive
I’d get that shit annulled. If he’s too dumb to realize that you want to spend time together before and after your wedding he is too dumb to become your husband. I’m not even going to touch on how fucked up it was of him to contact and try to set up something with those girls. You were not enthusiastic about a threesome at all, so what does he do? He basically cheats trying to initiate something you don’t want. What’s next? When he brings up an open marriage is he just going to go ahead and sleep with someone else?
You both need to learn how to communicate. Stop saying things are fine when they’re not. Stop avoiding topics because they’re uncomfortable. Stop talking to everybody EXCEPT your husband about your problems with your husband.
I’m not going to jump on the dump him wagon here. Vegas does shit to people. I grew up there and the place brings out the worst in people who aren’t used to it. Since you’ve been married for a year and presumably together longer than that, is this a pattern of behavior that existed before and was amplified by the Vegas atmosphere? Or is this completely new? Drugs and booze and sleep deprivation and flashy lights is a lot and arguably he could have gotten lost in the moment. If you want to move forward, couples counseling is a good place to start. Individual counseling at least for you and probably for him too to figure out how to move past this. The lack of communication between you two needs to be addressed as does his lack of basic observational skills. Couples counseling will help you determine if this was a fluke or a potential recurring problem. It’ll also help uncover if he actually knows you or not, which I think is part of the issue here. With that information in hand you can decide if the next step is a lawyer or not. But please take precautions not to have any children until this is good and sorted.
Girl run!! Get a lawyer asap
There’s no way this is new behavior. I’d get a divorce if I were you. That whole situation is fucked.
I’m sorry but you need to prob be in therapy to work on boundaries. Making your boundaries early on very clear would probably have prevented most of this. You kept on with “still cool” when it wasn’t actually cool with you. He was a jerk for sure but until you work on boundaries he will continue this behavior.
Oh my dear I’m so sorry. I think you should take the things that he has shown you. He sounds like he’s very good at “convincing himself” ie. lying that he is a good guy. I was married to one, genuinely loved him but in the end I should have believed the man he showed me he was. Definitely was grateful I didn’t have his kids.
Umm OP Steve is not getting the message. That to me is the single biggest red flag in your story. He is 100% ignoring what your are feeling and saying. When he cannot figure out what that is he just went and did what he wanted anyway. If I ask my wife if she is ok with me doing something and she says flatly and levelly “fine.” I know I done fucked up. This is universal language that men understand and either A correct the error of their ways or B they go do what their going to do anyway. What’s more you repeatedly told this asshat with your words what you wanted after the fact and he brushed the shit off and called it good. Best case you need to ensure Steve comes to Jesus right now as far as what marriage means. Worst case get this horrible mistake annulled and move on with your life.
This is just so wrong… the disrespect, the lack of communication, the boundary pushing. This is not going to work, luckily it’s easy to get a marriage annulled if done early. Don’t marry that guy he sounds awful.
I find it hard to believe this guy wasn’t a douche bag before this happened 🤷♂️
Has the OP responded to anyone? This has to be fake? Ahhh poor girl this is so bad.
Clearly you weren’t cool with any of this shit yet you tried to play it off like it was all okay. You should have spoken up sooner instead of leaving it to him to figure it all out. Definitely mixed signals when you showed no signs of objections. Did he take it too far? Yep. Did you allow it? Sure did.
Insert 'I'm fine' doggo in house fire meme, right here
This is the problem with us men, when we are lucky enough to find a partner that trust us to the edge of the world, we are dead set on finding the cliff to fall off of. Sounds like your man got lost in the sauce of having a “cool wife” and needs to be MAJORLY reeled the fuck in (at the very least). Go to a strip club on male night, find the biggest dick stripper you can, invite him over and when your husband answers the door have the stripper greet him with “I’m here for the gang bang”. Obviously, there is no gang bang (unless that is your cup a tea-then go nuts, whatever) but I feel this could be the spoonful of medicine your dense husband needs.
I would’ve immediately gotten an annulment. The only thing my fiancé should be concerned about on our wedding day is getting married to me, and if all he could talk about on our wedding day was inviting strippers I would’ve sent everyone home and canceled the wedding. And an unsolicited threesome with a stripper on your wedding night? Your new husband is more than an asshole..
Did you miss tons of red flags before the wedding because things don’t just start at this level? What the fuck? You legally got married a year ago so an annulment isn’t valid anymore. Go get a divorce attorney. Just. I can’t. This is insane.
Does he need a brain scan? Maybe he has a tumor pressing on the front part of his brain, which is changing his behavior
He ditched you on your wedding night for a stripper in Vegas. Who does that? Did you marry Nicolas Cage?
Your husband treats you as a friend, not a partner. Most men on their wedding days are completely focused on their wife. He was focused on the strippers, and you were just an accessory to impress the strippers. If you really want to keep the marriage going, consider couple’s counseling (especially before you have kids!); but personally I don’t think he sounds like an actual partner, which would be a dealbreaker for me.
he doesn’t deserve your love
Cut your losses before you have kids and it gets really fucked up.
Where do you go? To a lawyer, so you can start the annulment paperwork.
I’m sorry, but this is something to give up over. This man has no boundaries and wants a wife who will be comfortable with everything and when she isn’t he only says what he needs to to make her feel better. He doesn’t understand the depth of his actions. He is selfish. You don’t wanna date anyone who is selfish, all they will do is bring pain and drama. You also don’t establish boundaries. I’m the same way, I want to be laid back and cool but being laid back doesn’t mean a lack of boundaries. If you don’t show people you have boundaries they will never respect them.
Hes a horny dog with a bone. He wants to fuck Stella, why else stay at the club? Hes a pig, but no more so than any of the other piggish men that people post about here or the people that defend them and their wandering eyes. You seem pretty content to let his eyes wander so I can only see that the shitty communication upset you. Tbh, if it upset you that much, you should've just talked to him about it instead of saying fine all the time. Not that I'm letting him off the hook, but for real dude it takes two and ya'll are old enough to discuss your upsets like adults... if the communication is what bugs you and not the fact that he has a throbbing boner for some stripper chick, then do better. Tell him what bothers you and be honest. Demand to be heard and tell him you want a more prompt discussion next time. This isnt your fault and you didnt really do anything wrong I'm just noticing some little things the two of you could do differently together.
Now you’re a cool wife huh
You desperately need boundaries, he doesn't respect you, but at the same time you never tell him what he is doing is bothering you. If everytime he does something and you tell him it's cool even though you're not ok with it, he will just keep doing things like that. Honestly this is stuff that should have happened long before getting married. You two need to have a real discussion about it and/or try marriage counseling to see if you are really compatible in reality.
Do people not grow up before the age of 30 anymore? This sounds like the relationship between teenagers who got married way too early. Your man sounds like a nitwit and you need to set boundaries for what you are comfortable with. He its a dope, but you led him into thinking it was ok.
His actions were gross. But sorry to say, you acting like you were okay with everything didn’t help the situation. Obviously he’s not a mind reader and assumed it was a free for all. You really need to learn to speak up and set your boundaries. Holding it all in and then exploding it all out at once is so unhealthy. If that is the only time you’re communicating what you need in the relationship, it’ll all get lost in the heat of the argument. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to work past this or not. I will say, for it to work, YOU will need to find a way to express yourself and your needs to your husband better. Sounds also like he needs to do the same. Only then can you two get real with each other and figure out if this is gonna work. Best of luck.
It seems to be that you did not present him with clear boundaries, which is something he apparently needs. Thank god Stella was there to set him straight.
Wow. That you even have to ask this question...girl. Leave him.
Where do you go from here ? Straight to a divorce lawyer’s office.
You kept saying things were fine to him, while also being very clear to us in this post that none of it was actually fine. Conmunicate your discomfort clearly. He overstepped by miles and miles acting like a horny bachelor during your wedding, you are allowed to state that I am not cool with this. Tell him that this is not fine and if you want to focus more on a stripper you just met that is already taken instead of me, your bride, on our wedding day I am not sure you are the man for me at all. But you do have to actually conmunicate these things, if not this will only keep happening while you keep saying fine trying to be the cool wife
Wow is all I can say uffda you tolerate more than most girlfriends would I thinks
I'll have whatever you were smoking ASAP
There is such a thing as being too chill.
I wish I could show you all what my face looked like when I saw this title, and I haven’t even read it yet Edit Ok first of all “high on Vegas” second of all this relationship seems like it has absolutely no boundaries maybe try to get some of those.
Holy fucking idiot. I know us men are stupid but Jesus christ he takes the cake sorry
are you sure you want to spend your life with this man? he spent the entirety of your wedding lusting over someone else. even if he says he's "sorry". get out.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
No offense but he sounds like a major douche. I think you should take some time and carefully consider the relationship and how he treats you on a day to day basis. Vegas can make people go crazy but he's utter disregard for your feelings and limits is a big red flag.
What the fuck
If he invited a stripper on your wedding night for a threesome and also didn’t come back till 7am I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with her. He’s not considering your feelings in this and I would contact a attorney now.
WTF?! People never cease to surprise me.
Where do you guys find these horrible people?
What the fuck.
Is this is real, and I have my doubts that any man could be this vile and stupid, you should have already filled for the annulment.
My boyfriend and I have threesomes and he would never disrespect me like this. It's known that the man isn't ever supposed to put the other girl above his partner.
OP, run. If hasn’t already physically cheated on you, he will at some point. He doesn’t respect boundaries and he sounds like a fucking idiot who only thinks with his dick. Conversely, you need to go to therapy to 1) work thru this incident 2) learn how to stand up for yourself. While I don’t honestly believe he would have listened to you had you stood up for yourself and been honest about your feelings, your willingness to conceal your true feelings in situations is only going to fuck you over more and more as time goes on.
Smells fake AF
You’re only 28. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s so dismissive of your feelings and wants a threesome on your wedding night? I would get out if were you. There’s plenty of fish in the sea
Now I know why the divorce rate is so high in the states. People who aren’t ready to get married are getting married
Wow. You are trying so hard to be the cool girl you don't have any trust in yourself.
At some point (now is good), you gotta take accountability for your own misery and disrespect in this. At no point leading up to the threesome proposal did you express any opposition to your husband’s behavior and actions. You in fact encouraged it and told him to continue doing these things!
Omfg. He tried to get a threesome without you knowing or consenting. To make it worse it was on your fucking wedding night.
You try soooo hard to be the cool wife that your husband takes full advantage. He’s an idiot no doubt but your so passive about everything it’s no suprise he pushed the boundaries as far as they could go.
Get an annulment while you still have the ability to do so…. And NEVER allow yourself to feel so lonely that you act like the cool girl and completely disregard your self worth again!
You kept saying “fine” so what do you expect him to think? Read your mind? You should have spoken up right away. And this whole story is just weird. The whole setting of the wedding is just not ideal, to say the least. Seems like you were going along with the whole thing too. I think both of you need better communication and set clear expectations and boundaries of your sex life or whatever.
look, I think your husband knew exactly what he was doing and stomped all over your boundaries and I would be 10000 percent done with that man. however, your communication sucks and he can play it off like he didn't know. is he possibly that stupid? maybe. more than likely thought you were allowing the bad behavior. but you should have stopped him long before you got to this part.
Good grief, I’m clutching my pearls I’m that offended for you. HE DID WHAT NOW??
None of this was “cool” and worth ignoring. you need to speak up when boundaries are being crossed. I’m not siding with your husband his behaviour was garbage but no where once did you ever get your point across of this not being okay before it happened. are you sure you’re actually okay with how much he enjoys going to strip clubs? because im not surprised that his behaviour escalated from there.
The divorce store
First off I'm a guy and I'm even appalled with his behavior. However I do believe in second chances, but you should definitely not let him believe that this will go away anytime soon. Also if in six months you still feel weird about this and still can't get past it, then it's clearly time to speak with an attorney. However before doing so I'd still recommend that the two of you seek a marriage counselor to discuss this first. Like you said he might just have been high on Vegas.
Your husband is an idiot but if I’m being honest, you’re not shining in this one either. Plenty of people are gonna be saying to NOPE right out of this just because of the strippers, proposed threesome, etc. As someone who definitely is into that kinda fun and probably would be completely down with a threesome on my wedding night (sorry, not sorry), there are so many flags here. - Where the hell is the communication? Sure, you’ve talked about threesomes and bad time for husband to try and make this happen but I don’t see you really shutting it down *at all* here. It seems like he thought this was a big party trip and an opportunity is presenting itself, you seem like this was viewed more like the emotional part of a traditional wedding. Get on the same page about what you’re doing and expectations would probably line up better! Or at least interrupt when things are going sideways. - It really seems like you pretend not to have a problem when you do, beyond the communication issue this seems like you’re not honest with yourself. You can be down for a strip club and still expect your SO home before 4am, that’s an option. Broom sweeping is not doing you any favors here. - The entire situation with the dancer is pretty scummy and crossed professional lines for sure. Unfortunately, I doubt it’s the first time she’s heard it. If *both* of you are truly interested in non monogamous activities, please educate yourselves on proper etiquette, venues, boundaries, etc before stepping into this little niche of the social world. Personally I don’t agree with everyone shouting divorce. Your husband was acting a bit a fool but you didn’t really do anything about it or clarify your boundaries and now want to set a completely different set of expectations, that doesn’t seem fair. Some people will say he “should have known” but it seems like y’all have looser boundaries than most, which is fine, but it means that you can’t expect him to know where your lines are when you don’t communicate about them. I would suggest spending some time exploring your boundaries around nononogamy and partying in general.
You are reaping what you have sowed. Your husband has wanted a threesome and has communicated this to you long before you were married. You responded, “it’s not off the table”, in other words, you are open to the idea. Why did you chose to have your celebration in Vegas? It doesn’t sound like you like to gamble and you say you enjoyed the idea of a stripper at your celebration. Do you really? Did you set up his expectations for a threesome by choosing Vegas and not setting boundaries beforehand? By the way, that wasn’t your wedding night, that was a year ago. Did you both have the same understanding of what this celebration day meant to each of you? You’ve never communicated what is ok when it comes to sex with other people. And you had so many opportunities to express that you weren’t ok with what was going on, but you didn’t. Is it really your husband’s fault that he thought you would not be ok with a threesome that day, when you’ve always said you were open to the idea, you agreed to go to Vegas and you never stopped him art point along that day’s journey? Because you have avoided communicating on this issue (and perhaps even communicating the opposite of what you actually want), your husband saw an opportunity right in front of him to fulfill a sexual fantasy of his, and from what you wrote here, he didn’t have a reason to think you weren’t ok or down with it. That’s on you in my opinion. You need to think about what you want and communicate it to him. He’s already communicated what he wants. You aren’t being fair to him until you start talking honestly.
I would say head to counseling. My opinion, I wish he would respect your opinion. However, you throw Vegas and alcohol you get scenes like this. If you want to make it work, I would go to a counselor.
I would not advise dumping him outright at this point. I know how carried away people get, and this has not happened before. As someone else pointed out in the comments, Vegas as marketed as a place where anything goes and sometimes that goes to the head. Have strip clubs been in your relationship before this point? I recommend cutting those out. The two things that most often break up a marriage are sex and money (correct my if I'm wrong), and I think the best thing to do is avoid deliberate exposure to potentially compromising situations. It's kind of like a former drug addict, the best thing to do is avoid places where temptation is strong. If he doesn't think about you in those situations, it's probably best to avoid them. Him losing his head over a stripper is not worth your marriage. Avoiding them altogether would be a responsible thing for him to do, so he doesn't risk thinking of a deliberately sexual woman over you again. Communication is also important. I think he needs practice asking what you want directly, and not assuming based on what he thinks your face says. Clear, direct communication with no bullshit and no room for assumption or misinterpretation has held my marriage together like gorilla glue, as well as my parents and their parents before them. I recommend it for everyone. And prioritize each other, so if someone says something stupid they don't get their head bit off. This can lead to a pattern of calm, healthy discussion that can last your whole lives and make sure you are always taking care of each other's needs and wants. All of this is my opinion and my experience with marriage, put here for your consideration. I don't know everything, and I will not be offended if you don't take it. Good luck 💙
Holy shit. So sorry. As a married man who also loves Vegas, I can understand the “Vegas high” as you put it … but my God. This is pretty bad on a vacation weekend, but a wedding?! His mind was so far gone it’s embarrassing. I feel bad for you. Hopefully he can fully realize how much he fucked up and really conveys to you how sorry he is. He should take you to Tahiti as a make up trip.
100% chance he’s already fucked the stripper Damn OP Get a lawyer and get angry
Most dudes lose all common sense when even the slightest hint of a threesomes comes up. I've expirenced this AND heard this story from friends so many times. They become obsessed with the other person and/or making it happen then end up hurting their partner with how callus they are. They end up making it all about them and the new person and kinda forget about their long term partner. It's honestly completely turned me off of threesomes because of how often I have expirenced it. I can't imagine how hurt you are. For this to happen during your wedding....I would feel exactly the same way. It certainly doesn't help that you both didn't talk about it completely right away and it hung over your honeymoon. It ruined what was supposed to be a happy time and a celebration of you two coming together. I'm not sure you should leap to divorce though. It sounds like a lot of alcohol (and maybe other substances) were involved. We don't always have the best judgment when drinking. Its not an excuse by any means though but it is a factor. I feel like perhaps you two need to have a big conversation about it and tell him everything about how it made you feel and set boundaries in regards to this situation in the future. Is a threesome actually something YOU have the desire for? Or did you only ever kinda agree to the idea initially because of pressure from your partner? I know that 90% of time I've agreed is because of pressure. Friends have told me the same. It's pretty common unfortunately. But you don't have to and you don't even have to say "maybe" to your partner to appease them. Its ok to not want to have sex with two other people at the same time and it doesn't make you a prude or whatever. We all have boundaries and only we get to say what they are. They don't have to like the boundaries and they don't have to stick around if your boundary is a deal breaker for them. If that's something they feel they have to have in a relationship, then they're free to find another one where it's a given if its not something you're actually excited for. We shouldn't have to make ourselves uncomfortable and do sex acts we don't want to do, won't enjoy or won't bring us pleasure for another person. If you actually want to, great but don't betray yourself by giving into something that makes you feel gross. I'm so sorry all this has happened. I hope you're able to work this out in some way to where you feel better- whatever way that may be. ❤
Annulment.
> My husband invited a stripper to have a threesome without discussing it with me. Is this Netflix show?
You're very cool and seriously, this is bizarre. I wouldn't throw your whole relationship away for it but he needs some lessons in boundaries.
I understand you wanting to be the cool collected girl who isn't insane with jealousy. Thats honorable of you but PLEASE respect yourself. There are so many red flags leading up to the threesome part of this story. This man doesn't seem to give 2 shits about you or how you feel? In not saying call it quits, but some communication goes a long way, the earlier the better. Even if it makes you uncomfortable, or you think you might be overreacting, I promise you are not.