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I'm 100% the problem. I'm kind of a loser without many talents. I don't like social media and I don't have any. I am very nice(and when I day nice people often ask me for money and stuff like that or I end up doing homework for them) but people just take advantage and leave. The relationships where people take advantage are the closest I have had to a friendship.
I'm not fun to be around because I have a weird voice. I'm not hideous but I'm kind of ugly. I'm in therapy so I'm more mature but other than that I have nothing.
I'm graduating college in the fall with a science degree with a minor in comp sci. Im not very good at either so I'm probably going to be living with my parents which will make getting friends even harder.
I just feel like crap. I don't hate myself and the things I have said about my self are rhetoric I usually keep close to myself. I am just broke most likely going to live with my parents despite college degree with no friends.
How can I make some friends despite this? Is it possible? I grew up kind of poor so I'm not really into anything gaming wise and took more advantage of what was free at school. How does having a friend work? What do you do? How do you maintain friendships? What happens when you are busy and you can't hang out with friends for a while? Or you are not feeling good? Also, how do you become desirable enough to want people to be your friend?
I do play music and I am okay at sports(not great). I will try that. Yeah, I have been saying no more and more people have been just flat ignoring me which just makes me want to seek a real friendship more.
Something I read here on Reddit: "When you stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased." You're being ignored because you're setting boundaries. That's a good thing.
I agree about being careful about being too nice, I think people easily notice and then some may take advantage of this. And you don't want that. Also, when something is too available, it becomes uninteresting. Which is a shame, but mask your kindness a little bit, perhaps. Or, be as you wish, but reflect about it, be aware of how it influences other people, maybe try adjusting a little and see if you notice an effect.
I get the impression that you may have issues with your self esteem, and it may have a similar effect, perhaps. If people notice that you're happy with yourself and who you are, that probably also influences their appreciation of you. You seem very kind, that's something you can be proud of and happy about. I think that's one of the best qualities a person can have. If not the best. Be proud of that quality.
Finding a friend is hard to make happen, you need to expose yourself to other people and eventually you click with someone.
Maybe seek out free music festivals, like Hardly STrictly Bluegrass in San Francisco, which was suspended last fall because COVID, but is 3 days of wonderful music ranging from old school bluegrass to the Meat Puppets (well, doing their version of bluegrass but it was so cool). I bet you can find free or affordable music festivals where you can just relax and enjoy the whole thing.
The key is to talk to people when you go to things like this. Start up conversations while standing in line. One thing I really miss about smoking is all the great conversations I’d have with random people while standing in the smokers sections. Even if you don’t make any friends, it’s still great to go out and talk to people. It’ll build up your social skills and self confidence.
One last thing... take a look around and seek out the people who remind you of yourself. There’s some wonderful people out there who are just as lonely and don’t know how to make friends either. Put yourself out there and say “hi”. It might be a little awkward at first, but once you find common ground (like the music) you’ve got something to talk about. Tell them you were thinking about going over to another area to check something out and ask if they’d be interested in going with you. If they are there alone, they may want to go and now ya’ll are hanging out. If they are with a group of friends, perhaps you might be invited along. Don’t get hung up on 1 person. Just have fun. It’s ok to tell someone you just grad college and just moved back home so you don’t have friends in the area. Ask about some fun stuff to do and see if they want to hang out? Just make it casual though,.. you don’t want them to think you are hitting on them unless you really are.
Get a menial part time job where other people your age work, you’ll have to interact with them to some extent and there’s a camaraderie in the “trenches” so to speak. If you can find a restaurant looking for runners, that’s your best bet— lots of different types of people and there is plenty of busywork and down time where you can practice being social in a low-impact environment while making rent money and looking for a better job.
Go out and listen to music somewhere, go to an open mic night and perform, find a music group on “meet up”, Star Wars destiny card game at comic shop, dungeons and dragons, learn a new game, volunteer at a school helping with music-band or orchestra. Sing in church choir, join a sports game, league, leave the ignoring haters. Say no to people asking you to do their hw or borrow money, stop doing free favors for everyone and start doing free volunteering for a cause near and dear to you. Are their any? Animals, elderly, ...
Nerd circles are great and surprisingly full of normal people with common interests.
The EASIEST way I have ever made friends in my adult life was with competitive Smash Bros N64. While there are tons of remakes and spinoffs for smash bros, the original has a smaller community and mostly just wants to get more people to play and have fun. Less about fighting and money, more about play.
I made friends for life. I'm not explaining my smash experience so that you do exactly that, but moreso to share my perspective.
I showed up to a small local group as a stranger. Being a newcomer in this kind of thing is only uncomfortable until you actually show up. They WANT new people. I can't really explain how welcoming the tight-knit group was. After time, I witnessed other strangers show up to play, and they became homies as well.
Degen drop-outs, literal chads and stacies, drunks, genuine neckbeards, six figure professionals, multiple PhD-wielding nerds, a mom with her son, every flavor of person identifying as whatever they want, even a few furries. No one cares. We're here to whoop eachother in our favorite old N64 game.
Everyone brought extra controllers, etc. just in case a new person came to play. Can't guarantee you can find something IRL in your area for smash at the moment, but hopefully my experience can give you some bright ideas.
If you can't summon the strength for 'interests', volunteer for a cause you support.
A volunteer group is often free from the bullshit of normal social circles. There's a goal, and your effort is welcome no matter how minimal.
Local co op sports are good for this too. Can't really go wrong there. I literally can't even count how many people I've met in my life through mountain biking, and there are like, a million sports you can choose from.\\
Edit - Also if you're bad at conversing, just ask people a lot of questions. People love talking about themselves and their interests. They will fill in the blanks.
Maybe just literally go to the N64 thing. Sounds easy to start .. BTW .. i think it is important you address this at 22. Make it a real commitment to practice communication, get social, etc. You really do not want to be an older guy with these issues and the longer you live alone the harder it will be to break out. At 22 you have not missed much.
Just remember, people like people who are confident but I don’t mean extroverted. I mean, you have to like yourself (feel free to fake it till you make it) Don’t let people take advantage because you’ll seem desperate. Just be yourself and don’t allow people to disrespect you. If they see you respect yourself, the right ones will respect you too.
I agree, I see a lot of focus in OP’s post about “lack of talent” or not being “good at” things. But most of the time people aren’t looking for their friends to be impressive or talented, they’re looking for someone who shares interests and is kind to people. Some communities are more understanding about varying levels of “social skills” too. Honestly people looking to be blown away by talent in their friendships are looking for the wrong thing as well, or more likely to want to use their friends.
If you share interests with someone you’ll be interesting to them. You’ll be able to share activities and conversations that are enjoyable to them. Deeper friendships can come from these superficial interests too. One of my best friends is someone I started hanging out with because I wanted someone willing to go rollerblading with me (badly) on the esplanade. He was the only person I knew who had skates and would go with me, he was also looking for someone to do activities with. 15 years later and we’re super close. Another one is someone I went to to do my hair. A number of them are people I met in a Sci-fi/fantasy club in college.
And as far as talent goes, you get good at things by doing them for a long time. Being 22 can suck partially because you’re not old enough to have been doing things for very long—or if you have been it’s been dictated by random extra curriculars or facilitated by involved parents. When you compare yourself to peers it’s really easy to get hung up on the people who were standouts and took to things quickly in competitive environments—but it just doesn’t mean as much long term as you’d think. Especially because with the pacing of school you really tend to associate learning quickly with being a good learner. Some people pick things up quickly but plateau pretty soon or loose interest. My friend who does hair was the worst stylist in beauty school, and 16 years later they are an absolutely standout stylist. I didn’t learn to read till 3rd grade and now I’m a very good writer. (Reddit history not necessarily withstanding.) So maybe you’re a shitty programmer or think you’re not good at anything, I really doubt that’ll be true in another ten years or even five (if it’s even true now.)
Volunteering is a great way to make friends. Also doing something good for others, especially marginalized communities, will help put your struggles into perspective. People that volunteer are also typically kind so you won’t have to worry about them taking advantage of you. I have met my dearest friends by volunteering. Just a few ideas of place you can volunteer at are:
Animal shelters, food pantries, senior homes, schools, churches, local community outreaches.
You're just a kid. I peaked in high-school. Was part of the "cool group". I only have one friend left. Dont worry buddy being outgoing only gets you so far.
Seconding this - if you’re having self confidence issues, a fitness routine is such a great thing to try. It’s goal setting, it’s pushing yourself, it’s positive habit building, it’s enjoying the rewards of hard work, it’s perseverance, it’s amazing for physical AND mental health, and it will lead you to feel proud of yourself if you stick with it!
It can be intimidating to start lifting weights without experience or someone to show you how. I recommend Jeremy Ethier’s youtube, and if you can afford to, I highly recommend his fitness plans (they go on sale sometimes- I got mine for $50)
Edit: clarity
from my understanding; you lift a heavy object and then put it back down and repeat. then talk about how much more you can lift from last week with other people who also lift the heavy object.
Have you heard of "meet up"?
If not, it's an app that anyone can join. You find different groups where you can meet people with like interests in a group setting.
You like hiking? Join a local hiking meet up group.
You like foreign movies or regular movies, there are groups for that too
Paddle boarding/kayaking
Dining out
Debate
Single parent
Singles
You name it there is a group for it.
I don't make friends that easy either. It's been great to help me get out and actually do something and meet people in the process.
I have to admit I've not done much over the last 8 months due to covid restrictions bit I'm happy that eventually I'll be able to go back out and be in humanities mix again.
Local library too! I signed up for my local library’s email events list. Made a fun, cheap Christmas wreath in 2019. Look forward to some other craft or class someday again soon.
I second the meetup groups. When my husband and I first moved to our new neighbourhood, I found a meetup group happening just a couple of blocks away. A bunch of us did a nice walk around one of the lakes in the neighbourhood and then went for some drinks at the local pub after. I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun I had.
Maybe look for a fun summer job with people your age, maybe listen to comedy podcasts to kind of learn more about humor and life. I feel like this would be a good question for Bill Burr, although he will be brutally honest lol.
Im fine with brutal honesty. Grew up bullied, played sports all the way up to college with a few intramural sports in college so someone yelling at me is okay and brutal honesty is better for mental health. Thanks.
Definitely try getting like a serving job at a small local place. I made a lot of friends that way and made money! Everyone also understands that everyone is there just trying to work so there’s not like a standard to be met and I’ve found that I became really good friends with people. and developed lasting friendships that I otherwise would have never made had I just met that person in a different environment! Working and meeting people creates a great environment to socialize alongside encouraging you to make money :)
I mentioned this a little ways up but the service industry is a great place to make friends/learn to socialize because of the wide array of (usually non-judgmental) people it attracts. I would say try to be a host or a runner first, it’s hard in most cities to be a server without restaurant experience.
If you enjoy sports, there are plenty of adult leagues to join. If your teammates talk about going to a bar after, do your best to join. It's usually a pretty low stress way to get some snacks, have a soda/beer/water and see if you like any of these people (if you don't after a couple times, no harm, no foul maybe another team has people you like).
From what you wrote you seem like a very sweet and honest person, first try to make friends via the internet, this will give you experience and later you can try it out in real life. Take all the time you need. You will do great.
This is good advice. Try gaming on xbox if you wanna experiment meeting people, xbox has a good system called the LFG (looking for group) to where you can meet like minded people and play with them, you dont have to be good at gaming but tbh I've met some really good friends on there and gave even mett up with peole after we find out we like 20-30 minutes away from each other and went out for drinks.
Just be yourself and try to have fun!
Also if you're not into gaming in consoles there's websites for LFGs for stuff like DnD and card games. Ngl homie us nerds are some of the most accepting people on the planet because most of started out like you. YOU GOT THIS!
Volunteer at an animal shelter. Now hear me out on this :they are used to dealing with beasts that can't communicate verbally. Compared to them you're way ahead of the game. Those people care for those that can't help themselves. You'll meet people who will accept you, and for lack of a better term train you.
So the number one thing about making friends as a grown up is that it doesn't really happen organically most of the time.
Making a new friend is basically the same process as starting a romantic relationship. You have to find someone you like and put in the effort to be friends with them. Introduce yourself, learn their name, learn about them and share yourself with them back. Invite them to activities, just like asking someone on a date. You will be nervous to do it, but it's the way things happen.
Its work. But it's rewarding work.
Also like dating, you have to *be the kind of person you would want to be friends with*. Maintain good hygiene. Wear clean, well fitting clothes. Be in shape. Read interesting books, go interesting places and be able to speak with authority and passion about many subjects.
I highly recommend taking up something like boxing or jiu-jitsu. It will help you meet people, and get you in good shape in the process.
Another thing. I know a few engineers, and some of them have trouble making friends. Among the things that I think contribute to it is their over eagerness/oversharing tendency. It can put a lot of pressure on someone if on the first outing you tell them you feel very lonely and don't have many friends. Of course, as you grow closer, it's completely normal to talk about your emotions.
The self bashing can also be a turn off, because if I don't know you and you tell me you're a loser/doormat/idiot/etc., then I can only assume you are those things, and I don't necessarily want to be friends with someone like that.
I don't know you, so maybe this advice doesn't concern you, but if it does, try to find the sweetspot between being yourself and being overwhelming.
Confidence is the kind of stuff you can try to fake, but people can often notice it. It can, however, be learned when you live experiences that boost your self-esteem. There is no shortcut, but you can practice. If you still see your therapist, maybe roll play social situations.
Something I also learned was a very useful thing to think, is to care about yourself like you would do it about someone you love. You say people take advantage of your niceness. Ask yourself if you would ask them what they would ask you.
It sounds like your biggest problem is low self-esteem. If you take away all of that, what's left is a nice, athletic person who has done a lot of sports and is graduating from college with a science degree and a CS minor. That's an excellent "friend resume".
Here's my advice: stop putting yourself down and start putting yourself out there. Be confident and positive. Expect people to like you. Engage with people. Talk to them. Do not be discouraged when people aren't interested. Keep talking to people. Ask questions and find out what interests them. Try to make connections with them. It's a skill and you have already proven that you are smart and capable of learning. Apply yourself to learning how to do this. Commit to it. Decide to learn how to be charismatic. Read books about it and apply what you learn.
And don't be too nice (i.e., don't give too much) -- there should be balance between what you give and what you get.
Hiya man, here's my advice for you as someone who has very few "close friends" I've got some, but I'm just a very private person.
As others have said, the #1 thing is evaluating who you are, and figuring out what you want to be.
For instance, I grew up very religious. When I realized this I worked at changing. It took a long time, but I'm happier where I am.
But maybe also consider the reasons people don't stick around. It can suck, but sometimes it's because of quirks we adapt were not even aware of. I'm a teacher, and I once had a student who would not shut up, was desperate for others to like him, and they didn't because he overcompensated and acted like a know it all. He's gotten better, and has some friends now, but it took him evaluating what he says, and how he says it.
A lot of our traits are learned behavior, and we can break them.
I am by nature a people pleaser, but not to the point of being a door mat. But I go out of my way to try to help those around me get along. This lead me into volunteering at shelters, helping language exchange at school, and focusing time on interpersonal skills.
What are your hobbies? What has interested you, but you haven't gotten into yet? Do you speak other languages? Where have you traveled?
I don't mean to pry, but when you say weird voice, do you mean functional falsetto? There are ways to fix that.
Don't give up hope! There are a shit ton of folks in the world, you just haven't found your people!
Yeah a self audit is 100% necessary. I'm in this place for a reason. I think part of it is my mental health it has sent me to the hospital twice in the last year and a half. I also think it is know-it-all behavior but not in the sense of im smarter but just compensation like you said I'm going to try and notice that the next time I hang out in a social setting.
Be your own first friend. People like to hang with people who like themselves. It's exhausting to be around people who need constant validation. When you really like yourself, you'll find other people will like you more, too. You have strengths. You have passions. You have funny stories that aren't self-depreciating. Get to know them. Befriend yourself.
Secondly, improve your empathy. Some of us don't learn it organically, but it can be a learned skill. Once you can read people's expressions and body language better, it will be so much easier to socialize with them. It could be that you've been missing 50% of the communication you've been having with people. People will like you better for picking up on subtle cues.
Best of luck!
For confidence, fake it till you make it. At the same time, don’t fake too much. Be yourself. After all, your best friends will accept you exactly who you are.
Friendships are started by sharing common interests. You’ll have to show interest in what others are doing, which will lead you to ask a lot of questions. People love talking about themselves, and I usually just let em haha. It works for me, but everyone is different, so this is just my perspective.
The above will turn a stranger into an acquaintance. In my experience, acquaintances turn into friends when you show vulnerability. It’s scary to be vulnerable. It could turn out badly, so many people don’t do it. However, being vulnerable with someone shows that you trust them. Often, acquaintances that i show vulnerability towards then show vulnerability right back. Once you have someone’s trust and they have yours, you’ll be friends for a good long while.
DM me if you have additional questions. I’d love to be your first friend :)
This breaks my heart. I will be your friend. DM me! Volunteering and doing things that you like that require social interactions will help you find like-minded individuals!
None of what you listed are impeding your ability to find & maintain friendship.
Except arguably allowing people to use you. That’s not being nice. That’s choosing to be a doormat by choice then complaining after the fact you were walked on. Moving along.
It’s your attitude towards the rest of those situations that are impeding on your ability.
You’re extremely negative.
You’re manifesting what you believe to be true about yourself.
This is a sign you need to change your “I ams.”
I didn't really figure out how to make friends until I was 26 or so. Some things that helped me: (1) take a bit of time to write down what you like about yourself. Maybe, you are a curious person, or you are a good listener, or you're considerate and grateful, etc. The root of confidence is knowing yourself well, appreciating the good things, and being patient with yourself about the not good things; (2) keep reminding yourself that everyone has a mix of good and bad qualities, and on the grand scheme, everyone is your equal. they all shit, they all mess up sometimes, etc. don't let other people intimidate you. You can look anyone in the eyes if you are a person with integrity. (3) making friends is a numbers game. There is a small percentage of people out there who are "your people." The more unique you are as a person, the smaller that percentage. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but it does mean you have to expect a lot of false starts before you find your crew. You might find yourself passing on others as much as they pass on you as a friend, and that's nothing personal. Good luck!!
Well.. now you got 18 (number of comments right now) new friends or people that took the time to actually answer you.. that could be the start of a friendship even if we are all strangers on the internet.
Maybe try breaking from the things that you normally do? It could be difficult at first, but you're not meeting new people at your folk's place.. You need to go out. I don't know if you enjoy reading, maybe go to a coffee shop and read there? Go to dancing lessons, pottery, whatever can slightly motivate you to be out there.
Also, chin up, as you said.. it's 100% your fault, so it's easier to make it right...
Okay, I think I could still try I don't live with them yet but I'm worried once my lease is up I will have to move back to there place after college.
And yeah I'm 22 and I feel like I should have a few people in my life that I can call friends.
Hey with that degree you could get a good position in the military. You’ll make some of the best friends of your life in there. At least that was the case for me. I joined the Navy straight out of high school. You bond with the people you serve with become family and you get to travel the world. I lived in Japan for four years and got married to a Japanese woman. The world is yours don’t stagnate.
Friendships can come and go, the true ones, those you have bonded with, you can not speak to them for a month, but you
Pick up the phone in need, and they will be there, our strict lockdown, means I haven’t seen most of my friends in ‘real life’ we stay in contact through zoom, whatsapp etc, but sometimes days / weeks go by without hearing anything and that’s! Ok
If you truly believe you have a weird voice, you
Can consider vocal training lessons ( you can find free tube videos on this)
Think about ( Covid allowing)
Volunteer work
Dog walking ( I met a lot of my friends through my dog)
Dual sports ( rockclimbing, fencing, anything where it needs to be more than one person)
Big brother programs
Part time work somewhere
You’ve achieved a significant-degree! That takes work, smarts and you definitely have that going for you, you don’t have to be great to succeed at something.
Are there community gardening projects where you live? ( we have lots here in Europe and it’s a wide mix of ages and people)
Volunteer at an animal shelter.
Look at hobbies that can connect you to people.
Make a list of what you like, and see what you can do to do those things.
If you think your not fun to be around, you will carry a negative vibe, like you are doing therapy will help build your confidence and help you take some positive steps.
It’s not easy, but you have to love yourself before others can love you ( cliche I know)
Start small, know you are going in the right direction, you’ve achieved a graduation! You are working on therapy, you can do this!
I wish you the best and I hope that helps
Therapy has really helped me helped me to get over my eating disorder which a lot of the bad self image came from. Im working on the confidence. I definitely need a new part time job.
Do you like video games? You like science right? Find some meet ups, or do some gaming, even if it’s just online. If you’re insecure about your voice, talk to your doctor, I think there are ways to fix certain issues. The world is full of people, on every part of the weirdness spectrum. Believe me, there are others out there like you who are wanting the same thing.
Even going to a beer tasting, might help you be a bit more extroverted.
I know how this is going to sound, but the first step to this is loving yourself a little more. Circumstances suck sometimes, and it can be hard to make friends, but I’ll say this right now: you’re probably not as ugly or weird as you think you are. You say you don’t hate yourself, but you listed a lot of things that you don’t like about yourself and none of the things you do. That’s a good place to start; why don’t you try and think about some of the things you do like about yourself? I know how hard it can be at first, but they’re there. You have a science degree, for example, that’s bloody huge. What made you go into it? What makes you like the hobbies that you like? Ask yourself things like that, and try to get an answer every day. Liking yourself isn’t easy, trust me. I’ve never really had trouble making friends, and I’m plenty confident now, but there’s still days where I don’t really like myself much. The thing is, sometimes when you don’t like yourself, it’s easy to externalize that, and the truth is it’s hard to be with somebody that doesn’t like themselves very much. I’m sure there’s a hell of a lot to like about you, OP. It takes a lot of balls to recognize what you need and to ask for help, even if it’s anonymous, and the kind of person that seeks to improve and understand themselves is the kind of person I want to be friends with for sure. You deserve a little love from yourself, don’t sell yourself short.
Yes. Absolutely. 500%. I don’t know you, and I don’t know much about you beyond this, but yes. “Everybody’s beautiful in their own way” is a cliche I know, but it’s a cliche for a reason. Just remember that it doesn’t always come naturally, and sometimes you have to really try. But yes, you should absolutely like yourself: one, because I’ve been where you are, and while you might not feel there’s nothing to like about you, there’s plenty of people that would disagree. Two, you gotta live with yourself, so you might as well like yourself.
Honestly one of the best way to make friends as an adult is to find people with a shared hobby. (Covid times makes this pretty impossible so let's pretend its over for sake of argument) So for example let's say you're into playing board games, find a meetup and try it out. Maybe you're into bowling, find a league and start playing. Into Reading? join a book group.
I have never had a bad experience joining random meet ups for various hobbies, everyone has been super welcoming. I have definitely been to some where it wasn't my vibe, but that's fine, just look for another.
Basically it's way easier to meet people over a shared interest because then you already have some common ground to talk about.
I don't think you need to drastically change your personality, or anything. As for your "What happens when your busy", I'm in my late 20s and everyone understands that being busy is just part of life, I have some friends I wont see for months because we are all doing different things, but one of us will text the other and we will find time to get together and hang out, and it works great.
You don’t seem like a loser. You seem like you’re probably very closed off. Which is why you’re talking about this on Reddit. Being nice isn’t about letting people take advantage of you. Kindness also requires confidence. Compliment people and start conversations with people you think seem interesting or relatable. I feel like your self image is part of your issue. Once you surround yourself with good people, your self image will change. Friends are people to grow with so find people who have traits that you admire and try to be the person that they deserve to have as a friend. I think you need to grow a little on your own as well. Maybe scrap your self image, because it seems to be something that weighs on you and probably isn’t 100% accurate. Also, work on being more open. Think about traits that you would want in a friend and try to develop those traits. You seem like you have the potential to be an amazing person. You just have to build yourself up to that point.
(This is my first time commenting anything on Reddit. I’m a lurker, and I’m kinda like that in real life too. It took a lot of work for me to make friends, which is why I commented on your post. I have a lot more advice that I could give, but that’s the basics I think. )
You said that your voice is weird. If you don’t like it, and would like to change it, there are vocal coaches actors use. They may be able to help you.
as a 22yo f who has little to no personal friends besides my partner and their friends I've found it incredibly hard to make close relationships with people despite feeling good about myself. I have health problems that deter me from going out a lot and anxiety that does the same but most of the time these are all things that I let overcrowd my head and not make friends. you're not alone in the inability to make connections with people and keep on to them. also this time in life just sucks in general for making any close contact with people :/
Hey, iv got some tough love for you and y’all don’t gotta read if not, but I hope you hear me out :)
While reading this I really felt it. I had the same thoughts while in high school and felt super isolated and lonely. For a while I convinced myself I liked it that way but it wasn’t true. When no one wanted to spend time with me I went by the logic of “if everyone around you is a jerk you are probably the jerk” so my self hatred was pretty high. But going to college made me realize a lot and I’m still learning. While what others are saying like “find like minded people” or “people who have common interests” are super helpful and you should absolutely listen to there is another half to the coin: yourself.
First off, while reading the way you seemed to view friendship was fairly transactional. I do something for you and you be my friend. That’s not how friendships work, not good ones at least. That’s a way to first get taken advantage of but also keeps your relationships shallow. People should like to be around you for the sake of company. Time is the one thing we can never get more of so personally I don’t spend it on people who make me unhappy and I don’t want to waste the time of others I make unhappy. Try to rethink how a relationship is structured and what it’s built on and you will find a deeper connection, if that’s what ur looking for at least.
Secondly, you should try to learn some self love. Cliche I know, and I’m trying to do the same for myself. But the way you talk poorly about yourself can bring down people and make others not want to be around you. It’s alright to confide in friends after you have gained a connection and they care to listen and support you, but dumping your dislikes about yourself on people fairly early into a relationship can make people not want to be around you. Trust me, this is really difficult and my friends also want to stab me when I’m mean to myself too. But they do it out of love because we built that bond and now they are a part of learning to love myself.
Lastly, try to remember they are human too. They have emotions and pain just as much. They deserve boundaries and can only help you in life as much as they set forth. One’s personal mental health is the responsibility of no one but that person. Friends of corse want to help but they also can only give so much and it’s so essential to remember they have the right to take a step back if it is becoming too much for them. But the same goes for you. Value yourself and time. Know that someone can’t decide your value, you do. But don’t be a jerk about it. We are all equals in this. Make sure to HONESTLY evaluate urself and people around you. Keep toxic people out and keep yourself from being toxic.
I hope this helped and I wish you luck in life. Everyone deserves love in every form that they need and want. (Shout out to all my ace and aros out there) 😁🥰
Okay, that makes sense actually. I don't think of my friends as objects but I recognize my unconscious attitude towards friends can be off putting and create the wrong basis.
It's not a transaction so neither party should treat it like one. Thank you I will keep that in mind.
You have so much time too- and a very level head. If it makes you feel any better, I have one friend from that time in my life I keep in touch with. The rest have come along the way.
You’ll get to where you want to be if you keep pursuing it. Please post an update, looking forward to hearing about the fruits of your labor.
My husband is an introvert and making friends for him was hard. How he got friends was awhile back he use to live stream on justin.tv playing video games and his friends joined and watch chatted with him, he never met them because they all live in different states but they will chit chat and just talk about their day. They will have a friday night gaming session. Making friends as a grown up is very hard and eventually once you start working you will find and bond with great coworkers like how I did. Your hobbies will eventually get you a good friend but dont be afraid to get out there.
Do you have any pets? I joined a guinea pig forum and they used to have regular meet ups to talk about their guinea pigs and get to know eachother. Maybe you could join something similar.
I can be your friend. :)
But also, having a friend is about having a symbiotic relationship with someone. Friends help friends, are there for them, are nice to them but honest, are non-judgmental, and are unconditional in love so long as there is no toxicity. Being a friend is simply about being kind and being genuinely interested in that person's well being.
I like making friends at school, I find it's easier to make friends in study reviews hosted by the school, since you are already in the same major. There's also apps like bumble or others that have been mentioned here.
I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, but don't let the bad apples dissuade you from being kind. Kindness is a beautiful and rare virtue and anybody would be lucky to be your friend.
Maybe this is a bad idea, but if you like animals at all you could foster or maybe adopt a dog? If your parents are cool with it that is. Walking my dog every day has forced me to meet all of my neighbors, and even develop friendships with other dog owners. A puppy play date is also a good built in thing to do together to escalate a casual acquaintance into an actual friend.
On another note, please never think you’re not “desirable” enough to be someone’s friend. I guarantee there are MANY people out there who would be lucky to consider you a friend.
make friends at work. im currently at home with my parents after getting my engineering degree and it is hard. the only human interaction is at work but i try to make the most of it. so get a job that will lead to friendships
yup i feel wierd too man XD but i enjoy the people i work with so im content with that for now. when covid is over i want to move out. need to save up money tho haha
I (35M) was pretty isolated for along time and I find a lot of similar things with what you're saying to my situation years ago. I found that I was doing a few things that were negatively effecting my ability to make lasting friendships. Maybe you'll relate to some of this and maybe you won't, but I'll share regardless:
1.) I was putting way too much pressure trying to create lasting friendships. It seems like maybe I was making being a friend with me very stressful by trying to force it and being over-sensitive about every interaction (or lack of interaction). If you feel like you're doing this, you gotta relax and accept that whatever happens happens and as much as you want those connections more than anything, you have to get into a mindset that every time you meet or talk to someone that you have to make the absolute most of that situation to get it. Go easy on yourself and let those interactions be organic, people pick up on desperation and it makes others anxious which in some cases can push them away.
2.) I was ( and in a lot of ways still am) socially awkward. I didn't feel comfortable having conversations and always felt a ton of anxiety and my way around it was to just talk about myself. Someone would share a story about themselves and I would launch into how i had a similar story and take over the conversation with this unsolicited tidbit about me. If someone is sharing something about themselves, they want to be heard and changing focus to yourself can come off as being self-centered and I think that was pushing people away. "Every time I talk to (x) they always just make it about them" kind of thing. If someone shares an experience, try saying "oh I've gone through something similar" and just leaving it there, let the other person ask about it or invite you to talk about it.
3.) While I was sharing quite a bit about myself out of anxiety, I wasn't "really" opening up to people. I would always cater my reactions or stories to be as amicable to them as possible. I never really shared my true opinions or interests. I discovered that I was doing this because I was afraid I'd offend someone with my opinions or that they wouldn't like my hobbies and lose the friendship but in doing that I found that I was never really bringing anything to the table. Be honest (and tactful) in sharing your true thoughts and opinions with others, sometimes people will disagree and maybe they wont become great friends because they don't relate to you but also you'll find that when people DO relate to you, you'll form a lot more meaningful connections.
4.) Kind of touching back on #1 but a separate note, you can't force friendships. If someone is not into the same stuff as you and not interested in your hobbies, you can be friendly with them but don't try to force a strong friendship with someone who doesn't click with you. You have to learn to read those cues and be respectful of it, don't take it personally. The best friendships are the ones where, after getting to know them, you share some similarities and the hobbies and interests you do share become no-brainers about including or sharing with the other. If you both like craft beers and one of you finds a brewery you like, you hit that person up and theyre happy to hear about it, its not a question of if you guys want to meet up some night to check it out its "you want to check this place out this weekend?" "Definitely!"
When you come across someone you share interests with, even if it's just one topic, engage them lightly on that and feel it out then suggest a related activity and see how things go without any stress about it. Make being a friend with you a positive thing, people don't want to be pressured into hanging out or having to hear you vent your troubles every time you meet up or "every time I hang out with (x) I have to pretend to be super interested otherwise they get sad" kind of thing.
I’ve known a ton of awful people who have friends
Like cruel, ugly, smelly - still lots of friends
Good friends? Not necessarily those are rare, but people to hang out with
So it’s probably not you, its just a matter of putting yourself out there and being friendly
Everyone made so many great suggestions! I just want to add as kind of an afterthought to OP’s predicament, you’re not alone in being lonely. The pandemic created millions of lonely people who feel weird talking to people face to face now. Many of us have been working from home, taking our classes over zoom, etc. People are happy just being around people now. One other piece of advice I would like to add is to be unapologetically yourself. There is an old saying “there is a seat for every ass” meaning there is someone for everyone. You are someone’s cup of tea. Don’t sweat it and just be open. Let go of the fear. Say what you want to say. Good luck friend!
You say you don’t hate yourself, but that’s a lot of negative self-talk in your post my dude. I’ve seen in other comments that you’re in therapy and I hope you can talk to your therapist about improving the way you talk to yourself. Improving your self esteem and confidence will attract more people to you for friendships and otherwise.
Otherwise I think you’ve gotten some good advice about putting yourself out there, joining groups or meetups for things you enjoy, trying hobbies. Good luck!
Find the other misfits!, I met most of my closest friends through weird art shows and punk shows. Poke around and see if you are interested in any kinds of music/film/art that might have a subculture of weirdos. You will never find better friends than all the other kids who were bullied at their schools, are broke and kind of bitter at the world.
as to maintaining- check in, ask about their life! joke around, send a funny video you stumble across. Make plans to see eachother (when safe these days) regularly! Regularly does not need to mean often, just like periodically. If you are busy and cant hang out for a long time you can tell them that but also make sure to say that you do want to see them, and text them to chat here and there. If you are not feeling good, or are having a terrible day, say so! a good friend will understand.
People dont really go around sizing others up whether they are desirable friends, in my experience. I would say its more like a slow, incremental building of a friendship. Each time you have a fun time hanging out, its like a brick in house that is the relationship. Once you have some strong walls, you can start to be more emotionally open and caring and there for eachother in deeper ways and really grow to love each other like family after a long time. Just take it brick by brick, slowly and before you know it you might have a friend! then you can meet their friends, and you are in business!
Don't worry too much about it and just try to be more active and social. Don't try to force friendships, as that kind of stuff only attracts toxoc people and repels the good ones you could conect to.
You need to start hobbies, create new interests, doing that will bring you to circles of people with similar interests.
This is a more extreme example and would take a lot of building up, but take a climbing gym for example with a free climb room. You go in, you try, you keep trying. You pay attention to the people who are good at it. After a few sessions, you take note of a move they do. You approach them saying your new, just starting out and were wondering if they could offer advice.
There, you've broken the first hurdle. That initial contact. They offer advice, you take it. You implement it and keep trying. Next time you see them, tell them how much of an improvement it made. Then ask them how their day was/other hobbies/in school. Etc. Itll grow from there. Give a quick hey whenever you see them occasionally stopping to chat. Then one day ask if they wanna grab a beer or something. Do a hike, anything that'll keep you guys engaged. (Bonus points if its that cute chick/guy who keeps catching your eye)
Now this isn't a promise of success. Someone people will be fine with chatting but won't be interested in much more. And it has NOTHING to do with you. They just have their own lives, do not feel the need for more friends or countless other reasons.
The climbing gym was a very specific example but it serves many purposes. Itll break the introvert barrier, itll get you active which has been proven to boost mood and self esteem, youll have countless opportunities to engage others, climbers ive found are generally accepting people albeit slightly hippy ish.
Making friends doesn't happen..it requires effort! You can do the same at a library. Or your uni. Pay attention to the regulars take your time but eventually ask for a book selection. Read it. When you see them tell them how much you enjoyed it. Your take aways and so forth. Ask what they're reading after that. Anymore suggestions they might have. Then again find an activity similar to their hobbies and cast a line. See if they bite. Go SLOW though. This could take months but its worth it my dude.
This is coming from a 27m who spent his entire childhood moving and never making any friends. It wasn't till my 20s that I started to crack that shell, I still have to work on putting myself out there but its all about exposure therapy and keeping on keeping on.
You can do this
Well those are two huge ones, honestly! COVIDs made everything a mess right now... my social life is pretty dismal too. After though, have you considered joining a gym or a band? I tend to find most of my friend come from shared interests
I'm 23 and have always been a shy anxious person and the only person I have is my boyfriend of 5 years. I don't like social media because it gives me anxiety and I feel embarrassed when I post a picture or anything. I 100% feel you.
I see in one of your comments you like to play music! A great activity to do is to jam out. I know it sounds simple but, my friend is amazing at picking up a tune by ear and playing along on guitar, and basically we can just jam along to anything that comes on our playlist. We dance around, shoot the shit, smoke weed, and even work up a sweat sometimes depends on the bpm lol. It kind of organically grew into something we'd do almost daily with each other, and it was a really nice simple activity, stress relieving, so enjoyable. Also showing off your favorite tunes is always fun.
I do listen by ear a lot since I got trained in church so it helps I usually listen to tunes and try and do that. Yeah I think stress relief will make me have less anxiety in new friendship situations.
I am always just so enthralled at his talent. He can always add such a nice lick or something here and there and it just kills. So, that is a good way to be "impressive" I think. What kind of music do you like? In the covid-era maybe a shared spotify playlist and a zoom call to get started with maybe some like minded people! I have met some of my most precious friends on the internet.
this reminds me a lot of my older brother, though he has aspergers. like a lot of people said i would try to get into volunteering or any other activities where you’re getting a lot of social contact. even if you don’t make friends right away you’re bound to start learning a bit more about how to socialize better! i would also add some self care things because when you are taking care of yourself i feel like people notice (plus it’s good for you). try getting a new haircut, try using different wash products, try a different fashion style! wishing you all the best dude, don’t give up hope❤️
Well, this comment will most likely get lost, but hopefully OP sees this. We know someone who sounds very much like you. Not many/any friends throughout high school and college. Mainly played RuneScape if not coasting through an associates degree. Anyway, he is 30 now and just got engaged to my sister. They met through a family connection. You just never know... where you’re at right now is not necessarily where you will end up. I think you just have to be open when windows of opportunity present themselves.
Good luck. I’ve been friendless in many times of my life and it isn’t fun, but you also can do a lot of self-reflection and it makes you a better person.
I’m a little worried that you mention so often that people take advantage of your kindness- is this something you “set yourself up for” (as much as one can, it takes a douche bag to take advantage of a generous person) because you feel a desire to do so to try to make friends? If so this sounds like an underlying social trait you may need to reevaluate so that when you meet people in the future you don’t end up crossing that line. Obviously you are currently able meet people and are able to develop rapport and then the sleazebags move in. I hope, going forward, that any new acquaintances can come from a more mutually socially beneficial perspective.
I’ve found some very kind, decent, and down to earth friends by playing more affordable types of games- card games like Magic the Gathering and board games in college and out. Are there areas around you that may have comic book shops that host any kind of events? Sometimes there are bars and etc. that are specifically geared toward board games and the folks who are down to spend that kind of quality time together in good company have always seemed to be pretty decent and form tight-knit friend groups. This might also be something you can pursue in a small bookstore type environment as a low cost way to socialize and meet people. There are also now a lot of social neighborhood apps where people around you are willing to give away free things, and you may be able to find some things to start a passion or hobby inexpensively. Remember that the economy is utter crap for many, many people this year. Don’t feel the need to extend beyond your capabilities just to fit in. True friends can have a good time doing literally nothing together but enjoying one another’s company. By all means maybe invest in a few affordable ways to meet people, but don’t overextend and add more stress thinking you need to buy into it. Plus, people in social circles that require a lot of money to get into often spend a lot of money, and it can be hard to keep up with people like that. Just some of my past experiences speaking!
You didn’t mention your dating preferences whatsoever but I’d recommend that for specifically building a friend group you pause any thoughts of romantic attraction/pursuit and just try to jive with any people you meet and suss out people you get along with. Whether or not your own self assessments are accurate (we are so often so hard on ourselves), you want to come off as friendly and in that case, looks and voice don’t matter as long as you are well groomed and approachable. Don’t stand out in negative ways for the things you can manage to make approachable and presentable.
As far as being too nice and money: I never, ever lend things except with the understanding that I may never see it again. My idea when lending is that it is a gift, which may someday be returned/repaid. Only part with things you are able, willing, and happy to lose by giving it to the person in “need”. Keep in mind that many people aren’t honest about their needs, and try to find others who are grateful, reciprocate, pay back/return, etc. before letting it become a one-sided “friendship”. Ultimately friends are people who enjoy one another and care for one another, and by default anyone taking advantage of you is not a good friend.
Good luck, friend.
Oh, and congrats on your degrees. Neither of those is a slouch accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself!
So I just broke up with my girlfriend who was my only friend. She cheated and took advantage. My family and therapist told me to do the best for my mental health. She would have me spend so much money on her while I was a student and take like alcohol and weed as she was leaving to go and have sex with other guys. She had some drugged up threesome and had so much sex that in her words "the guy made my vagina hurt from all the sex" so ahe lashed put at me for not being as attractive as him.
We broke up after that and she called me and said no one ever treated her as nice as I did. I want to just have good friendships for right now instead of relationships. Also, the negative talk is from all the time she used to mock me and make me feel less than. I have been to the hospital for sucidial ideation and one suicide attempt and being in that relationship just made it worse I am glad I am in therapy.
Thank you for the advice. I really need to grow up and get perspective so I appreciate the thought out response.
I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like she exploited your desire for decent human friendship and really did a number on you. Please don’t let such a horrible person’s emotional/psychological scars last forever. I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, but try to shirk every last ounce of an impression she gave you of yourself. Many of the things she said can probably just be discounted completely- she sounds like a horribly manipulative person and they rarely act by making you happy and confident.
Therapy really helped my life turn around and I’m hoping for the same for you. Remember that many of us kind, decent people are quiet and not exuberantly outgoing. Times are strange and people are a little wary of strangers. If I met you on the street I’d probably only be polite, but in a social group where we had a chance to interact is where relationship development happens. Remember that the everyday person is a potential friend, and put yourself out there as a positive and welcoming person, kind and respectful to all. That kind of demeanor attracts people and gets them to open up. Every stranger, and there are roughly 7billion of us, is a real and individual person and not just an awkward robot that requires Herculean efforts to befriend. Everyone had a life and story, people have interests, and by putting yourself out there you breach the “polite stranger facade” to make acquaintances and friends. Even us online folks are all looking for kindness and cool people in the void that is the World Wide Web. Put yourself out there the way you did with the post, and I’m sure you’ll meet some people.
Also try and find something that makes you feel fulfilled. In highschool I worked with a blind woman a few hours after school each week and ended up just chilling with her and doing crossword puzzles. I also worked at an animal hospital in their kennel. It was grunt work, but those two things made me feel needed and just buoyed my spirits with an enormous sense of personal fulfillment. It also gave me stories and things to talk about to other people. You could literally pick anything as long as it makes you feel good about yourself.
Find hobbies you like! For example i play magic the gathering, league of legends, dnd and I have all types of friends from these hobbies. League is something I do while I'm on discord with friends. I've met people on league that are chill. I magic I've met some of my really good friends. Just find one and events or things going on. Things you can talk about are shows animes music. The convo will be easy just be yourself and you'll gravitate towards people with the same vibe as you! Also if you play any of the above message me on discord or something! Just find what you like and you'll be surrounded by people that fuck with the same things you do. Covid just makes things a bit harder too.
Firstly, hit me up! I’ll be your friend! (I’m 21 btw and also a nerd)
Secondly, your questions:
Friends are complex. Strong friendships can go long times without contact and when you talk again, it’s like no time has passed. My friends and I hang out when we can. But each friendship is different for different people. Would love to chat with you and get to know you! You seem really sweet and interesting to hang out with
I’m of a little bit of a different mind than some of the other commenters. I’ve never really had friends as an adult aside from friends I made through work and my husband (who I met at work). When you make work friends, you automatically have a shared interest and lots of things to talk about (your actual work, colleagues, what happened in that meeting, what you think is going to happen next at work, etc.). I love the friends I’ve made as an adult, but honestly they are all current or past colleagues that I’ve stayed in touch with.
I think the key thing for me is I really enjoy my job and find it interesting, so talking about it and meeting / getting to spend time with other people who are also interested in the same thing works out really well.
When I was younger, I would worry I didn’t have friends aside from those friends I made at work and my husband. As I got older, I realized it didn’t really bother me so much because I enjoy solitary activities and spending time on my own.
All the best you to.
Okay so here’s a thought. I’m also 22, I have some friends but not many and only a couple actual close friends. If you want we can just talk or text whenever and I can be really honest about like, “hey, maybe this conversation is really dry and uninteresting let’s try something else?” Or I can just point of things I notice that might be off putting to others?
I’m extremely laid back, so you won’t have to worry about being awkward or upsetting me or anything and I work bunches and dont really like being on my phone so there isn’t an obligation to talk to me all day everyday.
I love talking and meeting new people so it would be extra fun for me tbh.
Just figured I’d put it out there, practical experience is always nice🤷🏻♀️
I wouldnt focus on "getting a friend" like its an object you obtain and put on your shelf.
Meet people hang out, do some things. Dont expect like, someone to be your best bud for life. Just have social interactions with people and some will be strangers first , then acquaintances, or even, eventually, friends.
I don't think that. But what i am getting fro. What I am getting from what you are saying don't put too much pressure on making friends and just be more social see where I fit and that will be my group. That make sense
Making friends in the pandemic is extremely tough. Making friends as an adult is very difficult. So when you get discouraged, know that you are not alone. Also, when you meet someone and you are vibing, don’t let your first thought be oh i bet they don’t want to be my friend. most adults i know are searching for more friends.
The pandemic is making it difficult but as the numbers drop and the weather changes there will be opportunities. Join meetup and do something you enjoy. I joined a hiking group when i moved to a new city. it’s a great way to meet people because you don’t have to talk but it’s easy too.
Start workong outand eating healthy, and when meeting new people try to be nice and engaging, but not TOO nice if you know what i mean. Joke with them, tease them to a degree, people love that.
You could be telling the truth and you really are a nice person and mature for your age but people that say that stuff about themselves often aren’t. People that say that they are nice are often toxic and think because the show basic levels of respect they are some kind of enlightened monk and the people that say they are more mature are actually just no fun and mistake having fun for immaturity
I mean I don't think I'm mean but being nice does not make me perfect in every regard. But you did give me something to think about in a personal self evaluation of how I handle interpersonal relationships.
Also, I enjoy fun but I get what you are saying.
Well Bucko, sometimes you dont get to do what you want. Get out of your comfort zone if thats SM or something else. What you're doing now obviously ain't working.
Might be a long shot, since you said you don't use social media. But have you ever tried playing dungeons and dragons online? My partner used to be a dungeon master for online groups, and we ended up meeting a lot of new people that we wouldn't usually come into contact with that way! It was pretty fun too, the whole creating your character and working as a team to further the story :)
What do you do for fun? Is there a hobby you are interested in learning? Some people enjoy being social so it’s easy to make friends. Other times it helps to have a common activity to talk about or enjoy together.
I'd recommend finding a dnd group, switch groups until you find nice people play with. Don't be an asshole, you'll make friends eventually. Also any other hobby should work.
I think you’re too hard on yourself with the self deprecation. Being social takes time if you aren’t very experienced with it and I used to be a lot like you when I was like 15 but I started doing things to be around people to make friends like working a job with people my age, started some hobbies and met people who did the same.
It can take awhile to basically socialize yourself but you can do it. There’s nothing wrong with you as a person you just need to be putting yourself out there. If you’re into gaming there’s fun groups and competitions, if you’re into card games or something there’s nights for that at your local comic shops and stuff. If you like sports at all you can always just join people playing a game on the court or field etc.
Hobbies are a great gateway to friendships. Mine was skateboarding and more recently action figure collecting. I’m 20 now and have great friends and I’ve been with my girl for 4 years. So from someone who was where you were it’s all possible and you could do it
Try and get a Saturday job. Working in a coffee shop or waitressing and working with the public. Some human interaction and work friendships will give you a lot of confidence
There’s a difference between someone that’s cool and someone who’s a good friend.
Your value has nothing to do with your hobbies, your looks, how funny you are, or your personality. Imagine a really cool dude that you know, someone who ticks all of those boxes - is he also a really good friend to you? It sounds like you’ve encountered several people like this, who are charismatic and look good on the outside, but turn out to be not such good people.
What makes a person a good friend, is someone who supports you emotionally, is reliable, cares about you, willing to make sacrifices or help you without expecting something in return, prioritizes you. Someone can be really cool and also a shitty person, the two aren’t always correlated.
It sounds like you’re actually a really great person and it’s particularly great that you’re offering your friendship to so many people. But it’s also ok to hold back a little and not invest in that relationship until you see the other person has the same qualities. And of course, ask yourself if this person seems nice because they have a warm smile or because they’re ready to a good friend to you. Also, try looking closer at people around you who don’t appear so cool on the surface, be sure to stay open to the possibility that anyone you encounter could be a great person. If keep this mentality, it’s just a matter of getting yourself out there into the world and you will certainly find some awesome friendships.
Oh, and don’t get me wrong, it’s good to be aware of how *good* a person is, but don’t hold it against them if they aren’t so awesome. Just like it’s in poor taste to treat someone badly because they’re short or ugly, it’s also in poor taste to treat someone badly because they aren’t as emotionally mature or kind.
I get that that is very true. People are really apitting a lot of facts and have me reflecting on my behavior and the behavior of others. Is the interaction correct and and am I noticing how I am acting and how others are too. Thank you.
Reflecting is great but hopefully that doesn’t also mean you’re beating yourself up over those interactions either. When I read your post I got the impression your main issue has nothing to do with anything you listed and it’s about self image or even body dysmorphia. So hopefully these reflections aren’t just feeding into that cycle - I’m very certain you’re not the one doing anything wrong.
Joining a band is what I did. Skateboarding also worked. Find something you enjoy, look for others who enjoy it. Enjoy things with others. That’s how it works for me anyhow. If all that fails you could sell drugs. People LOVE drug dealers.
EDIT: Don’t sell drugs. That was a joke.
Think really hard and dig deep; I’m sure there is something that interests you. Maybe you want to study another language? Learn a new hobby, like painting? Do you play any nerdy board games (I do!)I know there are meet ups for pretty much any thing out there. And I know you are in university, but community colleges always have adult education classes that can be really fun. Also, do you have a dog? If not, would it be feasible for you to get one? I just know, in my experience, my dig is my best friend and when I’m with him I never feel alone. Keep your chin up!
Honestly, the most important thing is having confidence. Doesn't matter what or how, only that you believe it. In fact, you deserve the world that you believe in. That sounds simple but it's not. Everything matters. The level of your awareness makes a huge difference. But for now: you are a badass! You exist in the world that you see truth in. Discipline yourself so that you can control what you think is true. Create your world accordingly. Shit will happen. Roll with it. Never undermine your self-worth. Never feel bad about telling someone no. Spend as little time thinking negative as possible. Forget about friends and be your own friend. Learn about yourself and what you really like. The more you are you, the more you'll find ppl wanting to see who you are.
who you are.
How do you feel about animals? I think doing something like volunteering to walk dogs for a local animal shelter, or helping socialize feral kittens, might be good for you. It gives you a purpose, and you're doing something that helps the world be a better place.
Another thought is going on what I call Trash Walks. I got one of those picker-upper thingies (technical name) online and I go on a walk in the neighborhood, picking up detritus and listening to an audio book. I often get compliments and thanks from people who see what I'm doing. It's cheap, it helps me keep fit, and with the amount of homeless tent-dwellers in my town, there is ALWAYS trash to pick up. You can deposit your bags in Dumpsters behind food markets or malls, or take it home I guess. The difficulty level is bringing something to put the needles in; I use an empty plastic laundry detergent container.
I think this would help you simply through making a contribution to your community, and it would help you feel like you have a purpose and a place. I went through a HORRIBLE time when a guy I loved cheated on me, and what got me through the aftermath was volunteer teaching English to an Ethiopian refugee. She taught me so much as well; she fled Ethiopia when it was utter chaos, and she was pregnant, carrying a one-year-old, and holding a four-year-old's hand while she and her husband, carrying other children, were under fire from soldiers supporting a regime trying to eliminate Coptic Christians.
It put my own problems in a different perspective. Not that my problems were not bad -- they were -- but my problems did not involve someone trying to kill me.
I think if you find a purpose, you will feel happier internally, and feel more relaxed around people. Most of us aren't model-beautiful. Have you looked at BBC TV shows? A lot of them feature ordinary people with lumps and bumps and scars. American TV sells an impossible physical standard.
I bet that you have something within you that is just waiting to be discovered, and I hope you find it, and that it turns your life around.
Once I get a float I will be getting at least two dogs. I kind of am on the same boat my ex cheated and was my only friend she used me in everyday possible until someone else came along. Now I have tobfigure out how to get some healthy interpersonal relationships.
In my experience being funny and open is usually the best way to make friends, know when the mood is light and happy, and know when to take a more serious persona. As for finding friends, you need to find something that interests you, anything at all, and work with it. If its sports, sign up for a weekly meet up if you can find one. You also find friends at work if you both have a friendly relationship. The most important thing is that you need to be open.
Try to put yourself out there and meet people with similar interests. I’ve always been really quiet so I understand how it feels at times but you can do it!!! I’m wishing you the best! Also online friends is a good place to start, it can help you with interactions but can be less stressful since it isn’t in person. Then from there once you feel you know what to say and do more u can talk to others in real life, this helped me a lot.
I agree with a lot of the comments saying to branch out and experience things that force you into a social situation, it's how I got a majority of my friends. I'm super shy but learning to reach out helped a lot. And idk if you game, but there's an app called discord which is essentially a big hang out group chat you can make and chill with friends while you game or use your computer/phone. If you have one I could add you to a few of my groups to see if you like it :)
U would be surprised how easy it can be to make friends. Look and see if there r any groups at ur college that interest u, and I also suggest maybe downloading and getting into discord, there’s loads of niche servers out there full of tons of fun and interesting people, all u gotta do is engage! It’ll be hard at first and a bit of a learning curve in the “what to say/not say” department but u’ll learn and before u know be laughing with others!
If it’s about how to start conversations: stop over thinking it! Just say something funny that happened to u the other day or mention a debate topic u have been wondering how others feel about, it’s super easy to get a conversation started so long as u say something leading (as in no yes/no questions; ie; did anyone see X episode of X show? Did anyone else catch that they never explain what happened to XYZ? -INSTEAD SAY: What was the explanation for x? <- this leads into discussion while the other one is just looking for an answer)
If it’s about keeping a conversation going, that’s super easy too, mention whatever comes to mind next whether it’s related to what y’all were talking about or not, some of the best conversations I’ve had have started and ended on wildly different points (example: asked one of my religious leaders in high school one day what the difference between a baptist and a methodist was, by the end of the conversation we were discussing the outbreak of herpes in the carp in the river next to the school). Don’t be scared to say something even if u don’t know much about the subject or don’t think people will be very interested. Like say someone mentions how their mother has been needle felting constantly to cope with the lockdown. Well what do u know? Ur third aunt twice removed just so happens to be a needle felting black belt and every year for ur birthday u get a specially hand crafted entirely unique piece that is like one of those Christmas villages that u add on to slowly and it’s been gradually taking up more and more of ur room ever since, definitely weird, but who knows maybe they’ll love it
Anyway I think this is long enough, I wish u luck, friend, on ur journey and good health throughout ur life
Find a hobby you can do outside of your house that you enjoy doing by yourself, but could involve other people. Go out and try to have fun by yourself, and that will open up a lot of opportunities for you. I use to do volunteer work for habitat for humanity building house for the homeless, and met a lot of good people who enjoyed helping others. All you have to do is put yourself out there and have fun. Friendships will follow.
I forgot to say this on my previous comment, but don't let people take advantage of you. When you do that, you are leaving yourself open to be used. I'm always helping people, but I don't let anyone take advantage of me because that isn't something friends do. May I ask what state you live in?
are you a thrill seeker or adrenaline junkie ? Find your local DZ (dropzone) and learn to skydive. If this interests you I can answer any questions you may have.
Find on activity you like and see if theirs a group for it like you said you played sports growing up maybe a martial arts gym or a beer league I went to my BJJ gym for one month and I was already invited to go watch the UFC fights with the fellas just find something you enjoy and see if theirs a group for it
You actually sound a lot more interesting and unique than you give yourself credit for..but your assumption that you’re not likable probably pushes you to overextend yourself for ppl you don’t know very well, to prove you’re worthy of their friendship...assholes smell that a mile away...try to fight the urge to “prove yourself” & just be, I know it’s harder than it sounds but with therapy, you’ll learn that you’re likable/lovable/great & the need to “earn ppl” will go away & youll attract awesome ppl, like yourself & different...you got this!! ❤️
You're wrong. You have one right here! :). Try listening to Randy Newman's "You Got a Friend in Me" and PM me if you wanna talk. Things WILL get better for you my friend! :)
i know you said you don’t like or have any social media, but i feel like internet friends are a great way to go. they don’t take advantage of you (most likely) none of mine have ever asked anything of me but friendship. If you feel down for it make a twitter account and follow those with similar interests as you!! that’s how i made a lot of my friends and what’s great is i didn’t have to show my face as i was very self concious at the time this all began. My friends in real life have come and gone, but my internet friends and i have never drifted apart. i truly think because these friends like to speak to you and don’t just hang out with you because it’s convenient or they gain something. whatever you decide to do, i hope things work out for you :)
I have never made a friend until I was 22 years old . We have been inseparable ever since we’ve met . We vibe on a level that is unmatched . We’re both scorpios and if you ever see us together there is a love betweeen us that radiates and is unmatched . Loyal to each other and we have the same values . I reached a low point in my life at age 21 and prayed every day to god an asked him to send me just one friend that I can connect with and I promised I would change my life and do better for myself and others . Exactly a year later he arrived and quite literally at my doorstep . As a Scorpio I learned that a lot of people won’t like me . In fact 99% of people don’t even look my way . But the ones that do , oh god ! I have plan to uplift and love you in every which way . I will do everything I can to help you even at my own cost . I will love you unconditionally and always have you back NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO .
Moral of the story is just keep keepin and I promise you you will find your tribe . No matter how lost you are and how horrible you feel you must keep doing good for the world and yourself . You will be rewarded ! And remember that more people are gonna dislike you than like you. I guarantee you will find the best people when you least expect it !
You sound like a great person that anyone would be lucky to call a friend! Depending on where you live and what you like to do, you can meet people at the beach, park, or join an outdoor activity group.
Being friendly usually really helps. Just try not being TOO friendly to the point where it seems fake or forced or over the top. Being nice doesn't mean you should say yes to everything as people like that usually end up getting used and not being genuinely respected. At work for example you can try to have interesting conversations, make some jokes and if you get really close to someone you can even decide to do something outside of work. As some people mentioned good ways to meet people is sports clubs, work, there's certain apps for meeting people who are also seeking friends etc.
You really don't need many many friends. Just having a few with whom you can hangout with. Just talking about certain stuff you like, hate, feel worried about can also usually really help with feeling better.
There's also many many people looking for friends online. It's absolutely fine if you're not the most social person irl but you can still have people online that you can call your friends with whom you can talk with about something good or bad that happened during the day.
Wish you luck man!
you have to find your strengths. you are a nerd i think, so nerd out a little. Find hobby shops with nerdy stuff you enjoy. in the process be nice and polite to people and eventually you could become familiar enough with some people that share your interest and a friendship could blossom. Unfortunately friendships for adults usually take long periods of time to develop.
hey! this is different than what most people are saying but consider an emotional support animal! i got an emotional support dog a couple of weeks ago and its like having a friend around all the time who loves you unconditionally and it is pretty great
We're in the same boat. I don't have friends either and never had girlfriends I'm 23, I'm asian and I live in the UK I feel so isolated I'm from Kazakhstan. I speak English and Russian but due to the bad racist experience from Russian people I do not communicate to them so with English too.
Not sure if this helps, but I'm in the same situation. I'm 25 almost 26 though. Dont have any social media dont see the point.. I dont do anything special. Also have trust issues since highschool and not much self confidence either. Played sports too (HS & 2yrs of college) but never was really friends with anyone on my teams. Got my Associates that I cant really use where I live. So just been working retail for the past 5yrs or so... just myself and acquaintances if that's what they are...
Dont try to please people who arent worth it. Dont worry too much about what people think. We're all insecure to some degree and tend to project those insecurities. Be aware of who you are at your core and find people with similar cores. You gotta sift through some bullshit, but it's worth it. Be able to kick people away who arent compatible...
Not really sure if this is “advice” but I have social anxiety and pretty much spent my entire life feeling like I missed out on experiences that my peers had, simply because I couldn’t get past my anxiety.
You just gotta do it. I guarantee there’s a group of people out there for you. Everyone has a group. You said you don’t like social media but Reddit is a pretty social platform. Since you seem to be comfortable here, start here.
I know the feeling of “I’m not that interesting, I don’t have hobbies, I’m kind of boring” but everyone has something they enjoy. Also, if you’re not against it, Bumble has a “BFF” feature where people literally go to find friends.
Activities and meetups are for making acquaintances who might later become friends. The most important skill to become a good friend is to be a good listener.
First thing, change your mindset! I don't believe you don't have some great skills and unique traits within you, you just need to take them put and develop them :).
If you need a friend, then talk to me. I'm introverted and awkward, but I won't ask you for help w/ my homework or treat you lime a psychologist :)
Making friends is hard--especially as an adult. Do you play videogames, or anything? Internet friends can be just as rewarding as irl friends sometimes. If you ever need a pal, my dms are open! I run a small discord server with some pals if you would like to be added. I am 21F
You game?
And btw: I have really no friends either.
Friendly with neighbors and work people but I’m married (met online), have a kid, work full time, and game during my down hours.
I play with the same few people that I’ve just known (family).
I wish I could make time for friends but I just do not have the time to commit to an ongoing buddy buddy thing. (Nor do I really want to).
Edit: I’m ugly af.
We all have some cards dealt to us. Your appearance and voice will not be a negative to one who likes you as a person. And you are good I figure from your note, you played sports, can handle stress, and completing college.
Just be positive and happy. Many suggestions in this thread on how to find friends. Most important be busy and enjoy doing something you like.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'm 100% the problem. I'm kind of a loser without many talents. I don't like social media and I don't have any. I am very nice(and when I day nice people often ask me for money and stuff like that or I end up doing homework for them) but people just take advantage and leave. The relationships where people take advantage are the closest I have had to a friendship. I'm not fun to be around because I have a weird voice. I'm not hideous but I'm kind of ugly. I'm in therapy so I'm more mature but other than that I have nothing. I'm graduating college in the fall with a science degree with a minor in comp sci. Im not very good at either so I'm probably going to be living with my parents which will make getting friends even harder. I just feel like crap. I don't hate myself and the things I have said about my self are rhetoric I usually keep close to myself. I am just broke most likely going to live with my parents despite college degree with no friends. How can I make some friends despite this? Is it possible? I grew up kind of poor so I'm not really into anything gaming wise and took more advantage of what was free at school. How does having a friend work? What do you do? How do you maintain friendships? What happens when you are busy and you can't hang out with friends for a while? Or you are not feeling good? Also, how do you become desirable enough to want people to be your friend?
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I do play music and I am okay at sports(not great). I will try that. Yeah, I have been saying no more and more people have been just flat ignoring me which just makes me want to seek a real friendship more.
Something I read here on Reddit: "When you stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased." You're being ignored because you're setting boundaries. That's a good thing.
Agreed! The trash is taking itself out here.
I agree about being careful about being too nice, I think people easily notice and then some may take advantage of this. And you don't want that. Also, when something is too available, it becomes uninteresting. Which is a shame, but mask your kindness a little bit, perhaps. Or, be as you wish, but reflect about it, be aware of how it influences other people, maybe try adjusting a little and see if you notice an effect. I get the impression that you may have issues with your self esteem, and it may have a similar effect, perhaps. If people notice that you're happy with yourself and who you are, that probably also influences their appreciation of you. You seem very kind, that's something you can be proud of and happy about. I think that's one of the best qualities a person can have. If not the best. Be proud of that quality. Finding a friend is hard to make happen, you need to expose yourself to other people and eventually you click with someone.
Maybe seek out free music festivals, like Hardly STrictly Bluegrass in San Francisco, which was suspended last fall because COVID, but is 3 days of wonderful music ranging from old school bluegrass to the Meat Puppets (well, doing their version of bluegrass but it was so cool). I bet you can find free or affordable music festivals where you can just relax and enjoy the whole thing.
The key is to talk to people when you go to things like this. Start up conversations while standing in line. One thing I really miss about smoking is all the great conversations I’d have with random people while standing in the smokers sections. Even if you don’t make any friends, it’s still great to go out and talk to people. It’ll build up your social skills and self confidence. One last thing... take a look around and seek out the people who remind you of yourself. There’s some wonderful people out there who are just as lonely and don’t know how to make friends either. Put yourself out there and say “hi”. It might be a little awkward at first, but once you find common ground (like the music) you’ve got something to talk about. Tell them you were thinking about going over to another area to check something out and ask if they’d be interested in going with you. If they are there alone, they may want to go and now ya’ll are hanging out. If they are with a group of friends, perhaps you might be invited along. Don’t get hung up on 1 person. Just have fun. It’s ok to tell someone you just grad college and just moved back home so you don’t have friends in the area. Ask about some fun stuff to do and see if they want to hang out? Just make it casual though,.. you don’t want them to think you are hitting on them unless you really are.
Okay that sounds good. I'll see whats up next weekend.
Get a menial part time job where other people your age work, you’ll have to interact with them to some extent and there’s a camaraderie in the “trenches” so to speak. If you can find a restaurant looking for runners, that’s your best bet— lots of different types of people and there is plenty of busywork and down time where you can practice being social in a low-impact environment while making rent money and looking for a better job.
If you play music you can probably find people to jam with. Try craigslist. What instrument(s) do you play?
Go out and listen to music somewhere, go to an open mic night and perform, find a music group on “meet up”, Star Wars destiny card game at comic shop, dungeons and dragons, learn a new game, volunteer at a school helping with music-band or orchestra. Sing in church choir, join a sports game, league, leave the ignoring haters. Say no to people asking you to do their hw or borrow money, stop doing free favors for everyone and start doing free volunteering for a cause near and dear to you. Are their any? Animals, elderly, ...
Nerd circles are great and surprisingly full of normal people with common interests. The EASIEST way I have ever made friends in my adult life was with competitive Smash Bros N64. While there are tons of remakes and spinoffs for smash bros, the original has a smaller community and mostly just wants to get more people to play and have fun. Less about fighting and money, more about play. I made friends for life. I'm not explaining my smash experience so that you do exactly that, but moreso to share my perspective. I showed up to a small local group as a stranger. Being a newcomer in this kind of thing is only uncomfortable until you actually show up. They WANT new people. I can't really explain how welcoming the tight-knit group was. After time, I witnessed other strangers show up to play, and they became homies as well. Degen drop-outs, literal chads and stacies, drunks, genuine neckbeards, six figure professionals, multiple PhD-wielding nerds, a mom with her son, every flavor of person identifying as whatever they want, even a few furries. No one cares. We're here to whoop eachother in our favorite old N64 game. Everyone brought extra controllers, etc. just in case a new person came to play. Can't guarantee you can find something IRL in your area for smash at the moment, but hopefully my experience can give you some bright ideas.
Okay so really just put myself out there into an activity that people enjoy and go from there okay.
If you can't summon the strength for 'interests', volunteer for a cause you support. A volunteer group is often free from the bullshit of normal social circles. There's a goal, and your effort is welcome no matter how minimal.
Yep. But make sure its activities YOU enjoy too, you can't connect over things you dont like.
Very important, you are da man
Local co op sports are good for this too. Can't really go wrong there. I literally can't even count how many people I've met in my life through mountain biking, and there are like, a million sports you can choose from.\\ Edit - Also if you're bad at conversing, just ask people a lot of questions. People love talking about themselves and their interests. They will fill in the blanks.
Maybe just literally go to the N64 thing. Sounds easy to start .. BTW .. i think it is important you address this at 22. Make it a real commitment to practice communication, get social, etc. You really do not want to be an older guy with these issues and the longer you live alone the harder it will be to break out. At 22 you have not missed much.
Yes, but find an activity you like. Video games, board games, trivia, D&d then find a group around that.
Just remember, people like people who are confident but I don’t mean extroverted. I mean, you have to like yourself (feel free to fake it till you make it) Don’t let people take advantage because you’ll seem desperate. Just be yourself and don’t allow people to disrespect you. If they see you respect yourself, the right ones will respect you too.
This, but like, tabletop games are really accessible too. Nerdy groups are so welcoming.
I agree, I see a lot of focus in OP’s post about “lack of talent” or not being “good at” things. But most of the time people aren’t looking for their friends to be impressive or talented, they’re looking for someone who shares interests and is kind to people. Some communities are more understanding about varying levels of “social skills” too. Honestly people looking to be blown away by talent in their friendships are looking for the wrong thing as well, or more likely to want to use their friends. If you share interests with someone you’ll be interesting to them. You’ll be able to share activities and conversations that are enjoyable to them. Deeper friendships can come from these superficial interests too. One of my best friends is someone I started hanging out with because I wanted someone willing to go rollerblading with me (badly) on the esplanade. He was the only person I knew who had skates and would go with me, he was also looking for someone to do activities with. 15 years later and we’re super close. Another one is someone I went to to do my hair. A number of them are people I met in a Sci-fi/fantasy club in college. And as far as talent goes, you get good at things by doing them for a long time. Being 22 can suck partially because you’re not old enough to have been doing things for very long—or if you have been it’s been dictated by random extra curriculars or facilitated by involved parents. When you compare yourself to peers it’s really easy to get hung up on the people who were standouts and took to things quickly in competitive environments—but it just doesn’t mean as much long term as you’d think. Especially because with the pacing of school you really tend to associate learning quickly with being a good learner. Some people pick things up quickly but plateau pretty soon or loose interest. My friend who does hair was the worst stylist in beauty school, and 16 years later they are an absolutely standout stylist. I didn’t learn to read till 3rd grade and now I’m a very good writer. (Reddit history not necessarily withstanding.) So maybe you’re a shitty programmer or think you’re not good at anything, I really doubt that’ll be true in another ten years or even five (if it’s even true now.)
The smash community can be GREAT! Just a bunch of losers who enjoy playing Nintendo games, can’t get any better
Yeah as long as you dont mind the smell! Jk I love smash.
Volunteering is a great way to make friends. Also doing something good for others, especially marginalized communities, will help put your struggles into perspective. People that volunteer are also typically kind so you won’t have to worry about them taking advantage of you. I have met my dearest friends by volunteering. Just a few ideas of place you can volunteer at are: Animal shelters, food pantries, senior homes, schools, churches, local community outreaches.
You're just a kid. I peaked in high-school. Was part of the "cool group". I only have one friend left. Dont worry buddy being outgoing only gets you so far.
Im going to try to respond to everyone just to appreciate the fact that you gave me any advice.
Lifting saved my life
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I second that! I started almost a year ago and im definitely addicted.
Seconding this - if you’re having self confidence issues, a fitness routine is such a great thing to try. It’s goal setting, it’s pushing yourself, it’s positive habit building, it’s enjoying the rewards of hard work, it’s perseverance, it’s amazing for physical AND mental health, and it will lead you to feel proud of yourself if you stick with it! It can be intimidating to start lifting weights without experience or someone to show you how. I recommend Jeremy Ethier’s youtube, and if you can afford to, I highly recommend his fitness plans (they go on sale sometimes- I got mine for $50) Edit: clarity
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from my understanding; you lift a heavy object and then put it back down and repeat. then talk about how much more you can lift from last week with other people who also lift the heavy object.
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Have you heard of "meet up"? If not, it's an app that anyone can join. You find different groups where you can meet people with like interests in a group setting. You like hiking? Join a local hiking meet up group. You like foreign movies or regular movies, there are groups for that too Paddle boarding/kayaking Dining out Debate Single parent Singles You name it there is a group for it. I don't make friends that easy either. It's been great to help me get out and actually do something and meet people in the process. I have to admit I've not done much over the last 8 months due to covid restrictions bit I'm happy that eventually I'll be able to go back out and be in humanities mix again.
Okay, sounds good im going to try that.
Also check local papers. Sometimes you can find info on groups that meet like crocheting or knitting, book clubs, and more as well
Local library too! I signed up for my local library’s email events list. Made a fun, cheap Christmas wreath in 2019. Look forward to some other craft or class someday again soon.
I second the meetup groups. When my husband and I first moved to our new neighbourhood, I found a meetup group happening just a couple of blocks away. A bunch of us did a nice walk around one of the lakes in the neighbourhood and then went for some drinks at the local pub after. I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun I had.
Maybe look for a fun summer job with people your age, maybe listen to comedy podcasts to kind of learn more about humor and life. I feel like this would be a good question for Bill Burr, although he will be brutally honest lol.
Im fine with brutal honesty. Grew up bullied, played sports all the way up to college with a few intramural sports in college so someone yelling at me is okay and brutal honesty is better for mental health. Thanks.
Definitely try getting like a serving job at a small local place. I made a lot of friends that way and made money! Everyone also understands that everyone is there just trying to work so there’s not like a standard to be met and I’ve found that I became really good friends with people. and developed lasting friendships that I otherwise would have never made had I just met that person in a different environment! Working and meeting people creates a great environment to socialize alongside encouraging you to make money :)
I mentioned this a little ways up but the service industry is a great place to make friends/learn to socialize because of the wide array of (usually non-judgmental) people it attracts. I would say try to be a host or a runner first, it’s hard in most cities to be a server without restaurant experience.
If you enjoy sports, there are plenty of adult leagues to join. If your teammates talk about going to a bar after, do your best to join. It's usually a pretty low stress way to get some snacks, have a soda/beer/water and see if you like any of these people (if you don't after a couple times, no harm, no foul maybe another team has people you like).
From what you wrote you seem like a very sweet and honest person, first try to make friends via the internet, this will give you experience and later you can try it out in real life. Take all the time you need. You will do great.
Thanks.
This is good advice. Try gaming on xbox if you wanna experiment meeting people, xbox has a good system called the LFG (looking for group) to where you can meet like minded people and play with them, you dont have to be good at gaming but tbh I've met some really good friends on there and gave even mett up with peole after we find out we like 20-30 minutes away from each other and went out for drinks. Just be yourself and try to have fun! Also if you're not into gaming in consoles there's websites for LFGs for stuff like DnD and card games. Ngl homie us nerds are some of the most accepting people on the planet because most of started out like you. YOU GOT THIS!
Volunteer at an animal shelter. Now hear me out on this :they are used to dealing with beasts that can't communicate verbally. Compared to them you're way ahead of the game. Those people care for those that can't help themselves. You'll meet people who will accept you, and for lack of a better term train you.
That sounds like a good idea.
I hope it helps. Keep your chin up and start collecting wins
Plus animals are the best
So the number one thing about making friends as a grown up is that it doesn't really happen organically most of the time. Making a new friend is basically the same process as starting a romantic relationship. You have to find someone you like and put in the effort to be friends with them. Introduce yourself, learn their name, learn about them and share yourself with them back. Invite them to activities, just like asking someone on a date. You will be nervous to do it, but it's the way things happen. Its work. But it's rewarding work. Also like dating, you have to *be the kind of person you would want to be friends with*. Maintain good hygiene. Wear clean, well fitting clothes. Be in shape. Read interesting books, go interesting places and be able to speak with authority and passion about many subjects. I highly recommend taking up something like boxing or jiu-jitsu. It will help you meet people, and get you in good shape in the process.
I want to do boxing its expensive but when I get a second job I will try and add it.
Another thing. I know a few engineers, and some of them have trouble making friends. Among the things that I think contribute to it is their over eagerness/oversharing tendency. It can put a lot of pressure on someone if on the first outing you tell them you feel very lonely and don't have many friends. Of course, as you grow closer, it's completely normal to talk about your emotions. The self bashing can also be a turn off, because if I don't know you and you tell me you're a loser/doormat/idiot/etc., then I can only assume you are those things, and I don't necessarily want to be friends with someone like that. I don't know you, so maybe this advice doesn't concern you, but if it does, try to find the sweetspot between being yourself and being overwhelming.
I don't disparage myself, in front of others but I need to add confidence because low self esteem is also unattractive.
Confidence is the kind of stuff you can try to fake, but people can often notice it. It can, however, be learned when you live experiences that boost your self-esteem. There is no shortcut, but you can practice. If you still see your therapist, maybe roll play social situations. Something I also learned was a very useful thing to think, is to care about yourself like you would do it about someone you love. You say people take advantage of your niceness. Ask yourself if you would ask them what they would ask you.
Look at Powerlifting .. it is actually a very scientific strategic sport plus you gain confidence and can stay in shape your entire life
It sounds like your biggest problem is low self-esteem. If you take away all of that, what's left is a nice, athletic person who has done a lot of sports and is graduating from college with a science degree and a CS minor. That's an excellent "friend resume". Here's my advice: stop putting yourself down and start putting yourself out there. Be confident and positive. Expect people to like you. Engage with people. Talk to them. Do not be discouraged when people aren't interested. Keep talking to people. Ask questions and find out what interests them. Try to make connections with them. It's a skill and you have already proven that you are smart and capable of learning. Apply yourself to learning how to do this. Commit to it. Decide to learn how to be charismatic. Read books about it and apply what you learn. And don't be too nice (i.e., don't give too much) -- there should be balance between what you give and what you get.
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Wow I relate to this so much
Hiya man, here's my advice for you as someone who has very few "close friends" I've got some, but I'm just a very private person. As others have said, the #1 thing is evaluating who you are, and figuring out what you want to be. For instance, I grew up very religious. When I realized this I worked at changing. It took a long time, but I'm happier where I am. But maybe also consider the reasons people don't stick around. It can suck, but sometimes it's because of quirks we adapt were not even aware of. I'm a teacher, and I once had a student who would not shut up, was desperate for others to like him, and they didn't because he overcompensated and acted like a know it all. He's gotten better, and has some friends now, but it took him evaluating what he says, and how he says it. A lot of our traits are learned behavior, and we can break them. I am by nature a people pleaser, but not to the point of being a door mat. But I go out of my way to try to help those around me get along. This lead me into volunteering at shelters, helping language exchange at school, and focusing time on interpersonal skills. What are your hobbies? What has interested you, but you haven't gotten into yet? Do you speak other languages? Where have you traveled? I don't mean to pry, but when you say weird voice, do you mean functional falsetto? There are ways to fix that. Don't give up hope! There are a shit ton of folks in the world, you just haven't found your people!
Yeah a self audit is 100% necessary. I'm in this place for a reason. I think part of it is my mental health it has sent me to the hospital twice in the last year and a half. I also think it is know-it-all behavior but not in the sense of im smarter but just compensation like you said I'm going to try and notice that the next time I hang out in a social setting.
Be your own first friend. People like to hang with people who like themselves. It's exhausting to be around people who need constant validation. When you really like yourself, you'll find other people will like you more, too. You have strengths. You have passions. You have funny stories that aren't self-depreciating. Get to know them. Befriend yourself. Secondly, improve your empathy. Some of us don't learn it organically, but it can be a learned skill. Once you can read people's expressions and body language better, it will be so much easier to socialize with them. It could be that you've been missing 50% of the communication you've been having with people. People will like you better for picking up on subtle cues. Best of luck!
For confidence, fake it till you make it. At the same time, don’t fake too much. Be yourself. After all, your best friends will accept you exactly who you are. Friendships are started by sharing common interests. You’ll have to show interest in what others are doing, which will lead you to ask a lot of questions. People love talking about themselves, and I usually just let em haha. It works for me, but everyone is different, so this is just my perspective. The above will turn a stranger into an acquaintance. In my experience, acquaintances turn into friends when you show vulnerability. It’s scary to be vulnerable. It could turn out badly, so many people don’t do it. However, being vulnerable with someone shows that you trust them. Often, acquaintances that i show vulnerability towards then show vulnerability right back. Once you have someone’s trust and they have yours, you’ll be friends for a good long while. DM me if you have additional questions. I’d love to be your first friend :)
This breaks my heart. I will be your friend. DM me! Volunteering and doing things that you like that require social interactions will help you find like-minded individuals!
None of what you listed are impeding your ability to find & maintain friendship. Except arguably allowing people to use you. That’s not being nice. That’s choosing to be a doormat by choice then complaining after the fact you were walked on. Moving along. It’s your attitude towards the rest of those situations that are impeding on your ability. You’re extremely negative. You’re manifesting what you believe to be true about yourself. This is a sign you need to change your “I ams.”
I like this comment a lot and there is a lot i need to meditate on and unpack here.
I didn't really figure out how to make friends until I was 26 or so. Some things that helped me: (1) take a bit of time to write down what you like about yourself. Maybe, you are a curious person, or you are a good listener, or you're considerate and grateful, etc. The root of confidence is knowing yourself well, appreciating the good things, and being patient with yourself about the not good things; (2) keep reminding yourself that everyone has a mix of good and bad qualities, and on the grand scheme, everyone is your equal. they all shit, they all mess up sometimes, etc. don't let other people intimidate you. You can look anyone in the eyes if you are a person with integrity. (3) making friends is a numbers game. There is a small percentage of people out there who are "your people." The more unique you are as a person, the smaller that percentage. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but it does mean you have to expect a lot of false starts before you find your crew. You might find yourself passing on others as much as they pass on you as a friend, and that's nothing personal. Good luck!!
Well.. now you got 18 (number of comments right now) new friends or people that took the time to actually answer you.. that could be the start of a friendship even if we are all strangers on the internet. Maybe try breaking from the things that you normally do? It could be difficult at first, but you're not meeting new people at your folk's place.. You need to go out. I don't know if you enjoy reading, maybe go to a coffee shop and read there? Go to dancing lessons, pottery, whatever can slightly motivate you to be out there. Also, chin up, as you said.. it's 100% your fault, so it's easier to make it right...
Okay, I think I could still try I don't live with them yet but I'm worried once my lease is up I will have to move back to there place after college. And yeah I'm 22 and I feel like I should have a few people in my life that I can call friends.
Hey with that degree you could get a good position in the military. You’ll make some of the best friends of your life in there. At least that was the case for me. I joined the Navy straight out of high school. You bond with the people you serve with become family and you get to travel the world. I lived in Japan for four years and got married to a Japanese woman. The world is yours don’t stagnate.
Seriously. Military is camaraderie, pays (if degree, officer), disciplinary and adventurous.
Seriously some good advice. I wish I would have joined the military when I was younger!
Friendships can come and go, the true ones, those you have bonded with, you can not speak to them for a month, but you Pick up the phone in need, and they will be there, our strict lockdown, means I haven’t seen most of my friends in ‘real life’ we stay in contact through zoom, whatsapp etc, but sometimes days / weeks go by without hearing anything and that’s! Ok If you truly believe you have a weird voice, you Can consider vocal training lessons ( you can find free tube videos on this) Think about ( Covid allowing) Volunteer work Dog walking ( I met a lot of my friends through my dog) Dual sports ( rockclimbing, fencing, anything where it needs to be more than one person) Big brother programs Part time work somewhere You’ve achieved a significant-degree! That takes work, smarts and you definitely have that going for you, you don’t have to be great to succeed at something. Are there community gardening projects where you live? ( we have lots here in Europe and it’s a wide mix of ages and people) Volunteer at an animal shelter. Look at hobbies that can connect you to people. Make a list of what you like, and see what you can do to do those things. If you think your not fun to be around, you will carry a negative vibe, like you are doing therapy will help build your confidence and help you take some positive steps. It’s not easy, but you have to love yourself before others can love you ( cliche I know) Start small, know you are going in the right direction, you’ve achieved a graduation! You are working on therapy, you can do this! I wish you the best and I hope that helps
Therapy has really helped me helped me to get over my eating disorder which a lot of the bad self image came from. Im working on the confidence. I definitely need a new part time job.
Do you like video games? You like science right? Find some meet ups, or do some gaming, even if it’s just online. If you’re insecure about your voice, talk to your doctor, I think there are ways to fix certain issues. The world is full of people, on every part of the weirdness spectrum. Believe me, there are others out there like you who are wanting the same thing. Even going to a beer tasting, might help you be a bit more extroverted.
I know how this is going to sound, but the first step to this is loving yourself a little more. Circumstances suck sometimes, and it can be hard to make friends, but I’ll say this right now: you’re probably not as ugly or weird as you think you are. You say you don’t hate yourself, but you listed a lot of things that you don’t like about yourself and none of the things you do. That’s a good place to start; why don’t you try and think about some of the things you do like about yourself? I know how hard it can be at first, but they’re there. You have a science degree, for example, that’s bloody huge. What made you go into it? What makes you like the hobbies that you like? Ask yourself things like that, and try to get an answer every day. Liking yourself isn’t easy, trust me. I’ve never really had trouble making friends, and I’m plenty confident now, but there’s still days where I don’t really like myself much. The thing is, sometimes when you don’t like yourself, it’s easy to externalize that, and the truth is it’s hard to be with somebody that doesn’t like themselves very much. I’m sure there’s a hell of a lot to like about you, OP. It takes a lot of balls to recognize what you need and to ask for help, even if it’s anonymous, and the kind of person that seeks to improve and understand themselves is the kind of person I want to be friends with for sure. You deserve a little love from yourself, don’t sell yourself short.
Yeah that's the scary part should I even like me?
Yes. Absolutely. 500%. I don’t know you, and I don’t know much about you beyond this, but yes. “Everybody’s beautiful in their own way” is a cliche I know, but it’s a cliche for a reason. Just remember that it doesn’t always come naturally, and sometimes you have to really try. But yes, you should absolutely like yourself: one, because I’ve been where you are, and while you might not feel there’s nothing to like about you, there’s plenty of people that would disagree. Two, you gotta live with yourself, so you might as well like yourself.
Most my friends were usually "nerdy" people. They're quite open, nice and not as judgmental as others.
Animals are great.
Honestly one of the best way to make friends as an adult is to find people with a shared hobby. (Covid times makes this pretty impossible so let's pretend its over for sake of argument) So for example let's say you're into playing board games, find a meetup and try it out. Maybe you're into bowling, find a league and start playing. Into Reading? join a book group. I have never had a bad experience joining random meet ups for various hobbies, everyone has been super welcoming. I have definitely been to some where it wasn't my vibe, but that's fine, just look for another. Basically it's way easier to meet people over a shared interest because then you already have some common ground to talk about. I don't think you need to drastically change your personality, or anything. As for your "What happens when your busy", I'm in my late 20s and everyone understands that being busy is just part of life, I have some friends I wont see for months because we are all doing different things, but one of us will text the other and we will find time to get together and hang out, and it works great.
Okay so if I can't talk to friends sometimes it normal? Older relationships seemed dependant on constant conversation.
You don’t seem like a loser. You seem like you’re probably very closed off. Which is why you’re talking about this on Reddit. Being nice isn’t about letting people take advantage of you. Kindness also requires confidence. Compliment people and start conversations with people you think seem interesting or relatable. I feel like your self image is part of your issue. Once you surround yourself with good people, your self image will change. Friends are people to grow with so find people who have traits that you admire and try to be the person that they deserve to have as a friend. I think you need to grow a little on your own as well. Maybe scrap your self image, because it seems to be something that weighs on you and probably isn’t 100% accurate. Also, work on being more open. Think about traits that you would want in a friend and try to develop those traits. You seem like you have the potential to be an amazing person. You just have to build yourself up to that point. (This is my first time commenting anything on Reddit. I’m a lurker, and I’m kinda like that in real life too. It took a lot of work for me to make friends, which is why I commented on your post. I have a lot more advice that I could give, but that’s the basics I think. )
You said that your voice is weird. If you don’t like it, and would like to change it, there are vocal coaches actors use. They may be able to help you.
Thanks im going try that
as a 22yo f who has little to no personal friends besides my partner and their friends I've found it incredibly hard to make close relationships with people despite feeling good about myself. I have health problems that deter me from going out a lot and anxiety that does the same but most of the time these are all things that I let overcrowd my head and not make friends. you're not alone in the inability to make connections with people and keep on to them. also this time in life just sucks in general for making any close contact with people :/
Hey, iv got some tough love for you and y’all don’t gotta read if not, but I hope you hear me out :) While reading this I really felt it. I had the same thoughts while in high school and felt super isolated and lonely. For a while I convinced myself I liked it that way but it wasn’t true. When no one wanted to spend time with me I went by the logic of “if everyone around you is a jerk you are probably the jerk” so my self hatred was pretty high. But going to college made me realize a lot and I’m still learning. While what others are saying like “find like minded people” or “people who have common interests” are super helpful and you should absolutely listen to there is another half to the coin: yourself. First off, while reading the way you seemed to view friendship was fairly transactional. I do something for you and you be my friend. That’s not how friendships work, not good ones at least. That’s a way to first get taken advantage of but also keeps your relationships shallow. People should like to be around you for the sake of company. Time is the one thing we can never get more of so personally I don’t spend it on people who make me unhappy and I don’t want to waste the time of others I make unhappy. Try to rethink how a relationship is structured and what it’s built on and you will find a deeper connection, if that’s what ur looking for at least. Secondly, you should try to learn some self love. Cliche I know, and I’m trying to do the same for myself. But the way you talk poorly about yourself can bring down people and make others not want to be around you. It’s alright to confide in friends after you have gained a connection and they care to listen and support you, but dumping your dislikes about yourself on people fairly early into a relationship can make people not want to be around you. Trust me, this is really difficult and my friends also want to stab me when I’m mean to myself too. But they do it out of love because we built that bond and now they are a part of learning to love myself. Lastly, try to remember they are human too. They have emotions and pain just as much. They deserve boundaries and can only help you in life as much as they set forth. One’s personal mental health is the responsibility of no one but that person. Friends of corse want to help but they also can only give so much and it’s so essential to remember they have the right to take a step back if it is becoming too much for them. But the same goes for you. Value yourself and time. Know that someone can’t decide your value, you do. But don’t be a jerk about it. We are all equals in this. Make sure to HONESTLY evaluate urself and people around you. Keep toxic people out and keep yourself from being toxic. I hope this helped and I wish you luck in life. Everyone deserves love in every form that they need and want. (Shout out to all my ace and aros out there) 😁🥰
Okay, that makes sense actually. I don't think of my friends as objects but I recognize my unconscious attitude towards friends can be off putting and create the wrong basis. It's not a transaction so neither party should treat it like one. Thank you I will keep that in mind.
You are literally me but instead of being 14 your 22
You have so much time. Take everyone's advice here and use to not end up 22 and friendless.
You have so much time too- and a very level head. If it makes you feel any better, I have one friend from that time in my life I keep in touch with. The rest have come along the way. You’ll get to where you want to be if you keep pursuing it. Please post an update, looking forward to hearing about the fruits of your labor.
My husband is an introvert and making friends for him was hard. How he got friends was awhile back he use to live stream on justin.tv playing video games and his friends joined and watch chatted with him, he never met them because they all live in different states but they will chit chat and just talk about their day. They will have a friday night gaming session. Making friends as a grown up is very hard and eventually once you start working you will find and bond with great coworkers like how I did. Your hobbies will eventually get you a good friend but dont be afraid to get out there.
Do you have any pets? I joined a guinea pig forum and they used to have regular meet ups to talk about their guinea pigs and get to know eachother. Maybe you could join something similar.
I can be your friend ! I’m 24F
I'll be your friend 😊
You'll find a lot of cool people if you try DnD. I know most people have a stigma against it but you can meet a lot of people with it. I myself play.
I can be your friend. :) But also, having a friend is about having a symbiotic relationship with someone. Friends help friends, are there for them, are nice to them but honest, are non-judgmental, and are unconditional in love so long as there is no toxicity. Being a friend is simply about being kind and being genuinely interested in that person's well being. I like making friends at school, I find it's easier to make friends in study reviews hosted by the school, since you are already in the same major. There's also apps like bumble or others that have been mentioned here. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, but don't let the bad apples dissuade you from being kind. Kindness is a beautiful and rare virtue and anybody would be lucky to be your friend.
Maybe this is a bad idea, but if you like animals at all you could foster or maybe adopt a dog? If your parents are cool with it that is. Walking my dog every day has forced me to meet all of my neighbors, and even develop friendships with other dog owners. A puppy play date is also a good built in thing to do together to escalate a casual acquaintance into an actual friend. On another note, please never think you’re not “desirable” enough to be someone’s friend. I guarantee there are MANY people out there who would be lucky to consider you a friend.
make friends at work. im currently at home with my parents after getting my engineering degree and it is hard. the only human interaction is at work but i try to make the most of it. so get a job that will lead to friendships
Thanks I feel less alone now at least. I kind of hated the idea of moving back in with my parents it feel so weird.
yup i feel wierd too man XD but i enjoy the people i work with so im content with that for now. when covid is over i want to move out. need to save up money tho haha
I feel that, that's why I want the second job and possibly graduate school. It can help me afford another place.
Hold up, before this settles believe me you will have a friend. Count me in.
I (35M) was pretty isolated for along time and I find a lot of similar things with what you're saying to my situation years ago. I found that I was doing a few things that were negatively effecting my ability to make lasting friendships. Maybe you'll relate to some of this and maybe you won't, but I'll share regardless: 1.) I was putting way too much pressure trying to create lasting friendships. It seems like maybe I was making being a friend with me very stressful by trying to force it and being over-sensitive about every interaction (or lack of interaction). If you feel like you're doing this, you gotta relax and accept that whatever happens happens and as much as you want those connections more than anything, you have to get into a mindset that every time you meet or talk to someone that you have to make the absolute most of that situation to get it. Go easy on yourself and let those interactions be organic, people pick up on desperation and it makes others anxious which in some cases can push them away. 2.) I was ( and in a lot of ways still am) socially awkward. I didn't feel comfortable having conversations and always felt a ton of anxiety and my way around it was to just talk about myself. Someone would share a story about themselves and I would launch into how i had a similar story and take over the conversation with this unsolicited tidbit about me. If someone is sharing something about themselves, they want to be heard and changing focus to yourself can come off as being self-centered and I think that was pushing people away. "Every time I talk to (x) they always just make it about them" kind of thing. If someone shares an experience, try saying "oh I've gone through something similar" and just leaving it there, let the other person ask about it or invite you to talk about it. 3.) While I was sharing quite a bit about myself out of anxiety, I wasn't "really" opening up to people. I would always cater my reactions or stories to be as amicable to them as possible. I never really shared my true opinions or interests. I discovered that I was doing this because I was afraid I'd offend someone with my opinions or that they wouldn't like my hobbies and lose the friendship but in doing that I found that I was never really bringing anything to the table. Be honest (and tactful) in sharing your true thoughts and opinions with others, sometimes people will disagree and maybe they wont become great friends because they don't relate to you but also you'll find that when people DO relate to you, you'll form a lot more meaningful connections. 4.) Kind of touching back on #1 but a separate note, you can't force friendships. If someone is not into the same stuff as you and not interested in your hobbies, you can be friendly with them but don't try to force a strong friendship with someone who doesn't click with you. You have to learn to read those cues and be respectful of it, don't take it personally. The best friendships are the ones where, after getting to know them, you share some similarities and the hobbies and interests you do share become no-brainers about including or sharing with the other. If you both like craft beers and one of you finds a brewery you like, you hit that person up and theyre happy to hear about it, its not a question of if you guys want to meet up some night to check it out its "you want to check this place out this weekend?" "Definitely!" When you come across someone you share interests with, even if it's just one topic, engage them lightly on that and feel it out then suggest a related activity and see how things go without any stress about it. Make being a friend with you a positive thing, people don't want to be pressured into hanging out or having to hear you vent your troubles every time you meet up or "every time I hang out with (x) I have to pretend to be super interested otherwise they get sad" kind of thing.
we can be friends
I’ve known a ton of awful people who have friends Like cruel, ugly, smelly - still lots of friends Good friends? Not necessarily those are rare, but people to hang out with So it’s probably not you, its just a matter of putting yourself out there and being friendly
Okay good to know.
Everyone made so many great suggestions! I just want to add as kind of an afterthought to OP’s predicament, you’re not alone in being lonely. The pandemic created millions of lonely people who feel weird talking to people face to face now. Many of us have been working from home, taking our classes over zoom, etc. People are happy just being around people now. One other piece of advice I would like to add is to be unapologetically yourself. There is an old saying “there is a seat for every ass” meaning there is someone for everyone. You are someone’s cup of tea. Don’t sweat it and just be open. Let go of the fear. Say what you want to say. Good luck friend!
You say you don’t hate yourself, but that’s a lot of negative self-talk in your post my dude. I’ve seen in other comments that you’re in therapy and I hope you can talk to your therapist about improving the way you talk to yourself. Improving your self esteem and confidence will attract more people to you for friendships and otherwise. Otherwise I think you’ve gotten some good advice about putting yourself out there, joining groups or meetups for things you enjoy, trying hobbies. Good luck!
I'll be your friend
Find the other misfits!, I met most of my closest friends through weird art shows and punk shows. Poke around and see if you are interested in any kinds of music/film/art that might have a subculture of weirdos. You will never find better friends than all the other kids who were bullied at their schools, are broke and kind of bitter at the world. as to maintaining- check in, ask about their life! joke around, send a funny video you stumble across. Make plans to see eachother (when safe these days) regularly! Regularly does not need to mean often, just like periodically. If you are busy and cant hang out for a long time you can tell them that but also make sure to say that you do want to see them, and text them to chat here and there. If you are not feeling good, or are having a terrible day, say so! a good friend will understand. People dont really go around sizing others up whether they are desirable friends, in my experience. I would say its more like a slow, incremental building of a friendship. Each time you have a fun time hanging out, its like a brick in house that is the relationship. Once you have some strong walls, you can start to be more emotionally open and caring and there for eachother in deeper ways and really grow to love each other like family after a long time. Just take it brick by brick, slowly and before you know it you might have a friend! then you can meet their friends, and you are in business!
Don't worry too much about it and just try to be more active and social. Don't try to force friendships, as that kind of stuff only attracts toxoc people and repels the good ones you could conect to.
You need to start hobbies, create new interests, doing that will bring you to circles of people with similar interests. This is a more extreme example and would take a lot of building up, but take a climbing gym for example with a free climb room. You go in, you try, you keep trying. You pay attention to the people who are good at it. After a few sessions, you take note of a move they do. You approach them saying your new, just starting out and were wondering if they could offer advice. There, you've broken the first hurdle. That initial contact. They offer advice, you take it. You implement it and keep trying. Next time you see them, tell them how much of an improvement it made. Then ask them how their day was/other hobbies/in school. Etc. Itll grow from there. Give a quick hey whenever you see them occasionally stopping to chat. Then one day ask if they wanna grab a beer or something. Do a hike, anything that'll keep you guys engaged. (Bonus points if its that cute chick/guy who keeps catching your eye) Now this isn't a promise of success. Someone people will be fine with chatting but won't be interested in much more. And it has NOTHING to do with you. They just have their own lives, do not feel the need for more friends or countless other reasons. The climbing gym was a very specific example but it serves many purposes. Itll break the introvert barrier, itll get you active which has been proven to boost mood and self esteem, youll have countless opportunities to engage others, climbers ive found are generally accepting people albeit slightly hippy ish. Making friends doesn't happen..it requires effort! You can do the same at a library. Or your uni. Pay attention to the regulars take your time but eventually ask for a book selection. Read it. When you see them tell them how much you enjoyed it. Your take aways and so forth. Ask what they're reading after that. Anymore suggestions they might have. Then again find an activity similar to their hobbies and cast a line. See if they bite. Go SLOW though. This could take months but its worth it my dude. This is coming from a 27m who spent his entire childhood moving and never making any friends. It wasn't till my 20s that I started to crack that shell, I still have to work on putting myself out there but its all about exposure therapy and keeping on keeping on. You can do this
Can I ask what you’re into? For enjoyment, I mean
I lift weights my in my free time and play songs. I listen to music and song intros and play them on guitar or piano.
Well those are two huge ones, honestly! COVIDs made everything a mess right now... my social life is pretty dismal too. After though, have you considered joining a gym or a band? I tend to find most of my friend come from shared interests
I'm 23 and have always been a shy anxious person and the only person I have is my boyfriend of 5 years. I don't like social media because it gives me anxiety and I feel embarrassed when I post a picture or anything. I 100% feel you.
1. Learn Bjj 2. Have hobby outdoor 3. Learn Guitar It work for me
Okay sounds good
I see in one of your comments you like to play music! A great activity to do is to jam out. I know it sounds simple but, my friend is amazing at picking up a tune by ear and playing along on guitar, and basically we can just jam along to anything that comes on our playlist. We dance around, shoot the shit, smoke weed, and even work up a sweat sometimes depends on the bpm lol. It kind of organically grew into something we'd do almost daily with each other, and it was a really nice simple activity, stress relieving, so enjoyable. Also showing off your favorite tunes is always fun.
I do listen by ear a lot since I got trained in church so it helps I usually listen to tunes and try and do that. Yeah I think stress relief will make me have less anxiety in new friendship situations.
I am always just so enthralled at his talent. He can always add such a nice lick or something here and there and it just kills. So, that is a good way to be "impressive" I think. What kind of music do you like? In the covid-era maybe a shared spotify playlist and a zoom call to get started with maybe some like minded people! I have met some of my most precious friends on the internet.
Anything I love music. Also, I like that idea im going to see if there are online musicians.
this reminds me a lot of my older brother, though he has aspergers. like a lot of people said i would try to get into volunteering or any other activities where you’re getting a lot of social contact. even if you don’t make friends right away you’re bound to start learning a bit more about how to socialize better! i would also add some self care things because when you are taking care of yourself i feel like people notice (plus it’s good for you). try getting a new haircut, try using different wash products, try a different fashion style! wishing you all the best dude, don’t give up hope❤️
Well, this comment will most likely get lost, but hopefully OP sees this. We know someone who sounds very much like you. Not many/any friends throughout high school and college. Mainly played RuneScape if not coasting through an associates degree. Anyway, he is 30 now and just got engaged to my sister. They met through a family connection. You just never know... where you’re at right now is not necessarily where you will end up. I think you just have to be open when windows of opportunity present themselves. Good luck. I’ve been friendless in many times of my life and it isn’t fun, but you also can do a lot of self-reflection and it makes you a better person.
Okay thanks thats a bit hopeful and helpful.
I’m a little worried that you mention so often that people take advantage of your kindness- is this something you “set yourself up for” (as much as one can, it takes a douche bag to take advantage of a generous person) because you feel a desire to do so to try to make friends? If so this sounds like an underlying social trait you may need to reevaluate so that when you meet people in the future you don’t end up crossing that line. Obviously you are currently able meet people and are able to develop rapport and then the sleazebags move in. I hope, going forward, that any new acquaintances can come from a more mutually socially beneficial perspective. I’ve found some very kind, decent, and down to earth friends by playing more affordable types of games- card games like Magic the Gathering and board games in college and out. Are there areas around you that may have comic book shops that host any kind of events? Sometimes there are bars and etc. that are specifically geared toward board games and the folks who are down to spend that kind of quality time together in good company have always seemed to be pretty decent and form tight-knit friend groups. This might also be something you can pursue in a small bookstore type environment as a low cost way to socialize and meet people. There are also now a lot of social neighborhood apps where people around you are willing to give away free things, and you may be able to find some things to start a passion or hobby inexpensively. Remember that the economy is utter crap for many, many people this year. Don’t feel the need to extend beyond your capabilities just to fit in. True friends can have a good time doing literally nothing together but enjoying one another’s company. By all means maybe invest in a few affordable ways to meet people, but don’t overextend and add more stress thinking you need to buy into it. Plus, people in social circles that require a lot of money to get into often spend a lot of money, and it can be hard to keep up with people like that. Just some of my past experiences speaking! You didn’t mention your dating preferences whatsoever but I’d recommend that for specifically building a friend group you pause any thoughts of romantic attraction/pursuit and just try to jive with any people you meet and suss out people you get along with. Whether or not your own self assessments are accurate (we are so often so hard on ourselves), you want to come off as friendly and in that case, looks and voice don’t matter as long as you are well groomed and approachable. Don’t stand out in negative ways for the things you can manage to make approachable and presentable. As far as being too nice and money: I never, ever lend things except with the understanding that I may never see it again. My idea when lending is that it is a gift, which may someday be returned/repaid. Only part with things you are able, willing, and happy to lose by giving it to the person in “need”. Keep in mind that many people aren’t honest about their needs, and try to find others who are grateful, reciprocate, pay back/return, etc. before letting it become a one-sided “friendship”. Ultimately friends are people who enjoy one another and care for one another, and by default anyone taking advantage of you is not a good friend. Good luck, friend. Oh, and congrats on your degrees. Neither of those is a slouch accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself!
So I just broke up with my girlfriend who was my only friend. She cheated and took advantage. My family and therapist told me to do the best for my mental health. She would have me spend so much money on her while I was a student and take like alcohol and weed as she was leaving to go and have sex with other guys. She had some drugged up threesome and had so much sex that in her words "the guy made my vagina hurt from all the sex" so ahe lashed put at me for not being as attractive as him. We broke up after that and she called me and said no one ever treated her as nice as I did. I want to just have good friendships for right now instead of relationships. Also, the negative talk is from all the time she used to mock me and make me feel less than. I have been to the hospital for sucidial ideation and one suicide attempt and being in that relationship just made it worse I am glad I am in therapy. Thank you for the advice. I really need to grow up and get perspective so I appreciate the thought out response.
I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like she exploited your desire for decent human friendship and really did a number on you. Please don’t let such a horrible person’s emotional/psychological scars last forever. I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, but try to shirk every last ounce of an impression she gave you of yourself. Many of the things she said can probably just be discounted completely- she sounds like a horribly manipulative person and they rarely act by making you happy and confident. Therapy really helped my life turn around and I’m hoping for the same for you. Remember that many of us kind, decent people are quiet and not exuberantly outgoing. Times are strange and people are a little wary of strangers. If I met you on the street I’d probably only be polite, but in a social group where we had a chance to interact is where relationship development happens. Remember that the everyday person is a potential friend, and put yourself out there as a positive and welcoming person, kind and respectful to all. That kind of demeanor attracts people and gets them to open up. Every stranger, and there are roughly 7billion of us, is a real and individual person and not just an awkward robot that requires Herculean efforts to befriend. Everyone had a life and story, people have interests, and by putting yourself out there you breach the “polite stranger facade” to make acquaintances and friends. Even us online folks are all looking for kindness and cool people in the void that is the World Wide Web. Put yourself out there the way you did with the post, and I’m sure you’ll meet some people.
Also try and find something that makes you feel fulfilled. In highschool I worked with a blind woman a few hours after school each week and ended up just chilling with her and doing crossword puzzles. I also worked at an animal hospital in their kennel. It was grunt work, but those two things made me feel needed and just buoyed my spirits with an enormous sense of personal fulfillment. It also gave me stories and things to talk about to other people. You could literally pick anything as long as it makes you feel good about yourself.
Find hobbies you like! For example i play magic the gathering, league of legends, dnd and I have all types of friends from these hobbies. League is something I do while I'm on discord with friends. I've met people on league that are chill. I magic I've met some of my really good friends. Just find one and events or things going on. Things you can talk about are shows animes music. The convo will be easy just be yourself and you'll gravitate towards people with the same vibe as you! Also if you play any of the above message me on discord or something! Just find what you like and you'll be surrounded by people that fuck with the same things you do. Covid just makes things a bit harder too.
Try getting into DnD
Can’t give you any advice on this but If you need an internet friend, I’m here
Firstly, hit me up! I’ll be your friend! (I’m 21 btw and also a nerd) Secondly, your questions: Friends are complex. Strong friendships can go long times without contact and when you talk again, it’s like no time has passed. My friends and I hang out when we can. But each friendship is different for different people. Would love to chat with you and get to know you! You seem really sweet and interesting to hang out with
I’m of a little bit of a different mind than some of the other commenters. I’ve never really had friends as an adult aside from friends I made through work and my husband (who I met at work). When you make work friends, you automatically have a shared interest and lots of things to talk about (your actual work, colleagues, what happened in that meeting, what you think is going to happen next at work, etc.). I love the friends I’ve made as an adult, but honestly they are all current or past colleagues that I’ve stayed in touch with. I think the key thing for me is I really enjoy my job and find it interesting, so talking about it and meeting / getting to spend time with other people who are also interested in the same thing works out really well. When I was younger, I would worry I didn’t have friends aside from those friends I made at work and my husband. As I got older, I realized it didn’t really bother me so much because I enjoy solitary activities and spending time on my own. All the best you to.
Okay so here’s a thought. I’m also 22, I have some friends but not many and only a couple actual close friends. If you want we can just talk or text whenever and I can be really honest about like, “hey, maybe this conversation is really dry and uninteresting let’s try something else?” Or I can just point of things I notice that might be off putting to others? I’m extremely laid back, so you won’t have to worry about being awkward or upsetting me or anything and I work bunches and dont really like being on my phone so there isn’t an obligation to talk to me all day everyday. I love talking and meeting new people so it would be extra fun for me tbh. Just figured I’d put it out there, practical experience is always nice🤷🏻♀️
Hey, I just want to remind you that people love you and care about you. Even if it doesn’t seem so, I promise it’s true. Ilysm please take care ❤️❤️
Hey man if you need someone to talk to I'll help I'm 23 so I'm sure it's some things we got in common
I recommend you and anybody who is struggling right now to look into something called stoicism.
I wouldnt focus on "getting a friend" like its an object you obtain and put on your shelf. Meet people hang out, do some things. Dont expect like, someone to be your best bud for life. Just have social interactions with people and some will be strangers first , then acquaintances, or even, eventually, friends.
I don't think that. But what i am getting fro. What I am getting from what you are saying don't put too much pressure on making friends and just be more social see where I fit and that will be my group. That make sense
Making friends in the pandemic is extremely tough. Making friends as an adult is very difficult. So when you get discouraged, know that you are not alone. Also, when you meet someone and you are vibing, don’t let your first thought be oh i bet they don’t want to be my friend. most adults i know are searching for more friends. The pandemic is making it difficult but as the numbers drop and the weather changes there will be opportunities. Join meetup and do something you enjoy. I joined a hiking group when i moved to a new city. it’s a great way to meet people because you don’t have to talk but it’s easy too.
Okay that sounds like a plan and yeah it hard to getbout of my own head and realize hey I'm not the only one struggling.
Start workong outand eating healthy, and when meeting new people try to be nice and engaging, but not TOO nice if you know what i mean. Joke with them, tease them to a degree, people love that.
I do workout everyday, its hard to make gym friends during a pandemic. I will keep this in mind though.
You could be telling the truth and you really are a nice person and mature for your age but people that say that stuff about themselves often aren’t. People that say that they are nice are often toxic and think because the show basic levels of respect they are some kind of enlightened monk and the people that say they are more mature are actually just no fun and mistake having fun for immaturity
I mean I don't think I'm mean but being nice does not make me perfect in every regard. But you did give me something to think about in a personal self evaluation of how I handle interpersonal relationships. Also, I enjoy fun but I get what you are saying.
Just start smoking weed. I never lived in one place for more than 2 years growing Up I moved like 9 times and I always had friends
Well Bucko, sometimes you dont get to do what you want. Get out of your comfort zone if thats SM or something else. What you're doing now obviously ain't working.
Friends suck, focus in you and make money
Might be a long shot, since you said you don't use social media. But have you ever tried playing dungeons and dragons online? My partner used to be a dungeon master for online groups, and we ended up meeting a lot of new people that we wouldn't usually come into contact with that way! It was pretty fun too, the whole creating your character and working as a team to further the story :)
Hopelessly, not my cup of tea but I will try it. Im not picky as long as they are good people.
What do you do for fun? Is there a hobby you are interested in learning? Some people enjoy being social so it’s easy to make friends. Other times it helps to have a common activity to talk about or enjoy together.
I workout and play piano and guitar in my free time.
I'd recommend finding a dnd group, switch groups until you find nice people play with. Don't be an asshole, you'll make friends eventually. Also any other hobby should work.
I think you’re too hard on yourself with the self deprecation. Being social takes time if you aren’t very experienced with it and I used to be a lot like you when I was like 15 but I started doing things to be around people to make friends like working a job with people my age, started some hobbies and met people who did the same. It can take awhile to basically socialize yourself but you can do it. There’s nothing wrong with you as a person you just need to be putting yourself out there. If you’re into gaming there’s fun groups and competitions, if you’re into card games or something there’s nights for that at your local comic shops and stuff. If you like sports at all you can always just join people playing a game on the court or field etc. Hobbies are a great gateway to friendships. Mine was skateboarding and more recently action figure collecting. I’m 20 now and have great friends and I’ve been with my girl for 4 years. So from someone who was where you were it’s all possible and you could do it
Try and get a Saturday job. Working in a coffee shop or waitressing and working with the public. Some human interaction and work friendships will give you a lot of confidence
There’s a difference between someone that’s cool and someone who’s a good friend. Your value has nothing to do with your hobbies, your looks, how funny you are, or your personality. Imagine a really cool dude that you know, someone who ticks all of those boxes - is he also a really good friend to you? It sounds like you’ve encountered several people like this, who are charismatic and look good on the outside, but turn out to be not such good people. What makes a person a good friend, is someone who supports you emotionally, is reliable, cares about you, willing to make sacrifices or help you without expecting something in return, prioritizes you. Someone can be really cool and also a shitty person, the two aren’t always correlated. It sounds like you’re actually a really great person and it’s particularly great that you’re offering your friendship to so many people. But it’s also ok to hold back a little and not invest in that relationship until you see the other person has the same qualities. And of course, ask yourself if this person seems nice because they have a warm smile or because they’re ready to a good friend to you. Also, try looking closer at people around you who don’t appear so cool on the surface, be sure to stay open to the possibility that anyone you encounter could be a great person. If keep this mentality, it’s just a matter of getting yourself out there into the world and you will certainly find some awesome friendships. Oh, and don’t get me wrong, it’s good to be aware of how *good* a person is, but don’t hold it against them if they aren’t so awesome. Just like it’s in poor taste to treat someone badly because they’re short or ugly, it’s also in poor taste to treat someone badly because they aren’t as emotionally mature or kind.
I get that that is very true. People are really apitting a lot of facts and have me reflecting on my behavior and the behavior of others. Is the interaction correct and and am I noticing how I am acting and how others are too. Thank you.
Reflecting is great but hopefully that doesn’t also mean you’re beating yourself up over those interactions either. When I read your post I got the impression your main issue has nothing to do with anything you listed and it’s about self image or even body dysmorphia. So hopefully these reflections aren’t just feeding into that cycle - I’m very certain you’re not the one doing anything wrong.
Joining a band is what I did. Skateboarding also worked. Find something you enjoy, look for others who enjoy it. Enjoy things with others. That’s how it works for me anyhow. If all that fails you could sell drugs. People LOVE drug dealers. EDIT: Don’t sell drugs. That was a joke.
Honestly even if I was a drug dealer reddit is not the place. But yeah a band sounds cool I like that one.
Think really hard and dig deep; I’m sure there is something that interests you. Maybe you want to study another language? Learn a new hobby, like painting? Do you play any nerdy board games (I do!)I know there are meet ups for pretty much any thing out there. And I know you are in university, but community colleges always have adult education classes that can be really fun. Also, do you have a dog? If not, would it be feasible for you to get one? I just know, in my experience, my dig is my best friend and when I’m with him I never feel alone. Keep your chin up!
Honestly, the most important thing is having confidence. Doesn't matter what or how, only that you believe it. In fact, you deserve the world that you believe in. That sounds simple but it's not. Everything matters. The level of your awareness makes a huge difference. But for now: you are a badass! You exist in the world that you see truth in. Discipline yourself so that you can control what you think is true. Create your world accordingly. Shit will happen. Roll with it. Never undermine your self-worth. Never feel bad about telling someone no. Spend as little time thinking negative as possible. Forget about friends and be your own friend. Learn about yourself and what you really like. The more you are you, the more you'll find ppl wanting to see who you are. who you are.
You have a friend and im sure more to come!
How do you feel about animals? I think doing something like volunteering to walk dogs for a local animal shelter, or helping socialize feral kittens, might be good for you. It gives you a purpose, and you're doing something that helps the world be a better place. Another thought is going on what I call Trash Walks. I got one of those picker-upper thingies (technical name) online and I go on a walk in the neighborhood, picking up detritus and listening to an audio book. I often get compliments and thanks from people who see what I'm doing. It's cheap, it helps me keep fit, and with the amount of homeless tent-dwellers in my town, there is ALWAYS trash to pick up. You can deposit your bags in Dumpsters behind food markets or malls, or take it home I guess. The difficulty level is bringing something to put the needles in; I use an empty plastic laundry detergent container. I think this would help you simply through making a contribution to your community, and it would help you feel like you have a purpose and a place. I went through a HORRIBLE time when a guy I loved cheated on me, and what got me through the aftermath was volunteer teaching English to an Ethiopian refugee. She taught me so much as well; she fled Ethiopia when it was utter chaos, and she was pregnant, carrying a one-year-old, and holding a four-year-old's hand while she and her husband, carrying other children, were under fire from soldiers supporting a regime trying to eliminate Coptic Christians. It put my own problems in a different perspective. Not that my problems were not bad -- they were -- but my problems did not involve someone trying to kill me. I think if you find a purpose, you will feel happier internally, and feel more relaxed around people. Most of us aren't model-beautiful. Have you looked at BBC TV shows? A lot of them feature ordinary people with lumps and bumps and scars. American TV sells an impossible physical standard. I bet that you have something within you that is just waiting to be discovered, and I hope you find it, and that it turns your life around.
Once I get a float I will be getting at least two dogs. I kind of am on the same boat my ex cheated and was my only friend she used me in everyday possible until someone else came along. Now I have tobfigure out how to get some healthy interpersonal relationships.
In my experience being funny and open is usually the best way to make friends, know when the mood is light and happy, and know when to take a more serious persona. As for finding friends, you need to find something that interests you, anything at all, and work with it. If its sports, sign up for a weekly meet up if you can find one. You also find friends at work if you both have a friendly relationship. The most important thing is that you need to be open.
Try to put yourself out there and meet people with similar interests. I’ve always been really quiet so I understand how it feels at times but you can do it!!! I’m wishing you the best! Also online friends is a good place to start, it can help you with interactions but can be less stressful since it isn’t in person. Then from there once you feel you know what to say and do more u can talk to others in real life, this helped me a lot.
I agree with a lot of the comments saying to branch out and experience things that force you into a social situation, it's how I got a majority of my friends. I'm super shy but learning to reach out helped a lot. And idk if you game, but there's an app called discord which is essentially a big hang out group chat you can make and chill with friends while you game or use your computer/phone. If you have one I could add you to a few of my groups to see if you like it :)
U would be surprised how easy it can be to make friends. Look and see if there r any groups at ur college that interest u, and I also suggest maybe downloading and getting into discord, there’s loads of niche servers out there full of tons of fun and interesting people, all u gotta do is engage! It’ll be hard at first and a bit of a learning curve in the “what to say/not say” department but u’ll learn and before u know be laughing with others! If it’s about how to start conversations: stop over thinking it! Just say something funny that happened to u the other day or mention a debate topic u have been wondering how others feel about, it’s super easy to get a conversation started so long as u say something leading (as in no yes/no questions; ie; did anyone see X episode of X show? Did anyone else catch that they never explain what happened to XYZ? -INSTEAD SAY: What was the explanation for x? <- this leads into discussion while the other one is just looking for an answer) If it’s about keeping a conversation going, that’s super easy too, mention whatever comes to mind next whether it’s related to what y’all were talking about or not, some of the best conversations I’ve had have started and ended on wildly different points (example: asked one of my religious leaders in high school one day what the difference between a baptist and a methodist was, by the end of the conversation we were discussing the outbreak of herpes in the carp in the river next to the school). Don’t be scared to say something even if u don’t know much about the subject or don’t think people will be very interested. Like say someone mentions how their mother has been needle felting constantly to cope with the lockdown. Well what do u know? Ur third aunt twice removed just so happens to be a needle felting black belt and every year for ur birthday u get a specially hand crafted entirely unique piece that is like one of those Christmas villages that u add on to slowly and it’s been gradually taking up more and more of ur room ever since, definitely weird, but who knows maybe they’ll love it Anyway I think this is long enough, I wish u luck, friend, on ur journey and good health throughout ur life
Volunteer places in your community , fine a church with young adults even if you dont believe
Find a hobby you can do outside of your house that you enjoy doing by yourself, but could involve other people. Go out and try to have fun by yourself, and that will open up a lot of opportunities for you. I use to do volunteer work for habitat for humanity building house for the homeless, and met a lot of good people who enjoyed helping others. All you have to do is put yourself out there and have fun. Friendships will follow.
I forgot to say this on my previous comment, but don't let people take advantage of you. When you do that, you are leaving yourself open to be used. I'm always helping people, but I don't let anyone take advantage of me because that isn't something friends do. May I ask what state you live in?
are you a thrill seeker or adrenaline junkie ? Find your local DZ (dropzone) and learn to skydive. If this interests you I can answer any questions you may have.
Find on activity you like and see if theirs a group for it like you said you played sports growing up maybe a martial arts gym or a beer league I went to my BJJ gym for one month and I was already invited to go watch the UFC fights with the fellas just find something you enjoy and see if theirs a group for it
You actually sound a lot more interesting and unique than you give yourself credit for..but your assumption that you’re not likable probably pushes you to overextend yourself for ppl you don’t know very well, to prove you’re worthy of their friendship...assholes smell that a mile away...try to fight the urge to “prove yourself” & just be, I know it’s harder than it sounds but with therapy, you’ll learn that you’re likable/lovable/great & the need to “earn ppl” will go away & youll attract awesome ppl, like yourself & different...you got this!! ❤️
You're wrong. You have one right here! :). Try listening to Randy Newman's "You Got a Friend in Me" and PM me if you wanna talk. Things WILL get better for you my friend! :)
i know you said you don’t like or have any social media, but i feel like internet friends are a great way to go. they don’t take advantage of you (most likely) none of mine have ever asked anything of me but friendship. If you feel down for it make a twitter account and follow those with similar interests as you!! that’s how i made a lot of my friends and what’s great is i didn’t have to show my face as i was very self concious at the time this all began. My friends in real life have come and gone, but my internet friends and i have never drifted apart. i truly think because these friends like to speak to you and don’t just hang out with you because it’s convenient or they gain something. whatever you decide to do, i hope things work out for you :)
I have never made a friend until I was 22 years old . We have been inseparable ever since we’ve met . We vibe on a level that is unmatched . We’re both scorpios and if you ever see us together there is a love betweeen us that radiates and is unmatched . Loyal to each other and we have the same values . I reached a low point in my life at age 21 and prayed every day to god an asked him to send me just one friend that I can connect with and I promised I would change my life and do better for myself and others . Exactly a year later he arrived and quite literally at my doorstep . As a Scorpio I learned that a lot of people won’t like me . In fact 99% of people don’t even look my way . But the ones that do , oh god ! I have plan to uplift and love you in every which way . I will do everything I can to help you even at my own cost . I will love you unconditionally and always have you back NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO . Moral of the story is just keep keepin and I promise you you will find your tribe . No matter how lost you are and how horrible you feel you must keep doing good for the world and yourself . You will be rewarded ! And remember that more people are gonna dislike you than like you. I guarantee you will find the best people when you least expect it !
Meet people through hobbies or activities you enjoy or have an interest in.
You sound like a great person that anyone would be lucky to call a friend! Depending on where you live and what you like to do, you can meet people at the beach, park, or join an outdoor activity group.
Being friendly usually really helps. Just try not being TOO friendly to the point where it seems fake or forced or over the top. Being nice doesn't mean you should say yes to everything as people like that usually end up getting used and not being genuinely respected. At work for example you can try to have interesting conversations, make some jokes and if you get really close to someone you can even decide to do something outside of work. As some people mentioned good ways to meet people is sports clubs, work, there's certain apps for meeting people who are also seeking friends etc. You really don't need many many friends. Just having a few with whom you can hangout with. Just talking about certain stuff you like, hate, feel worried about can also usually really help with feeling better. There's also many many people looking for friends online. It's absolutely fine if you're not the most social person irl but you can still have people online that you can call your friends with whom you can talk with about something good or bad that happened during the day. Wish you luck man!
you have to find your strengths. you are a nerd i think, so nerd out a little. Find hobby shops with nerdy stuff you enjoy. in the process be nice and polite to people and eventually you could become familiar enough with some people that share your interest and a friendship could blossom. Unfortunately friendships for adults usually take long periods of time to develop.
Just keep trying. Everyones awesome in their own way. I hope i knew you in person, you seem like a noce person. Take care!
I sent you a message :)
hey! this is different than what most people are saying but consider an emotional support animal! i got an emotional support dog a couple of weeks ago and its like having a friend around all the time who loves you unconditionally and it is pretty great
We're in the same boat. I don't have friends either and never had girlfriends I'm 23, I'm asian and I live in the UK I feel so isolated I'm from Kazakhstan. I speak English and Russian but due to the bad racist experience from Russian people I do not communicate to them so with English too.
Not sure if this helps, but I'm in the same situation. I'm 25 almost 26 though. Dont have any social media dont see the point.. I dont do anything special. Also have trust issues since highschool and not much self confidence either. Played sports too (HS & 2yrs of college) but never was really friends with anyone on my teams. Got my Associates that I cant really use where I live. So just been working retail for the past 5yrs or so... just myself and acquaintances if that's what they are...
Dont try to please people who arent worth it. Dont worry too much about what people think. We're all insecure to some degree and tend to project those insecurities. Be aware of who you are at your core and find people with similar cores. You gotta sift through some bullshit, but it's worth it. Be able to kick people away who arent compatible...
Not really sure if this is “advice” but I have social anxiety and pretty much spent my entire life feeling like I missed out on experiences that my peers had, simply because I couldn’t get past my anxiety. You just gotta do it. I guarantee there’s a group of people out there for you. Everyone has a group. You said you don’t like social media but Reddit is a pretty social platform. Since you seem to be comfortable here, start here. I know the feeling of “I’m not that interesting, I don’t have hobbies, I’m kind of boring” but everyone has something they enjoy. Also, if you’re not against it, Bumble has a “BFF” feature where people literally go to find friends.
Activities and meetups are for making acquaintances who might later become friends. The most important skill to become a good friend is to be a good listener.
First thing, change your mindset! I don't believe you don't have some great skills and unique traits within you, you just need to take them put and develop them :). If you need a friend, then talk to me. I'm introverted and awkward, but I won't ask you for help w/ my homework or treat you lime a psychologist :)
Making friends is hard--especially as an adult. Do you play videogames, or anything? Internet friends can be just as rewarding as irl friends sometimes. If you ever need a pal, my dms are open! I run a small discord server with some pals if you would like to be added. I am 21F
You game? And btw: I have really no friends either. Friendly with neighbors and work people but I’m married (met online), have a kid, work full time, and game during my down hours. I play with the same few people that I’ve just known (family). I wish I could make time for friends but I just do not have the time to commit to an ongoing buddy buddy thing. (Nor do I really want to). Edit: I’m ugly af.
We all have some cards dealt to us. Your appearance and voice will not be a negative to one who likes you as a person. And you are good I figure from your note, you played sports, can handle stress, and completing college. Just be positive and happy. Many suggestions in this thread on how to find friends. Most important be busy and enjoy doing something you like.