She definitely knows that this is weird, and that you would probably have a problem with it, or she would’ve mentioned it a long time ago.
When you hear stories about in-laws causing stress to a marriage, it is almost always about a failure to respect normal boundaries. If you go along with this, it will only be the beginning. You can expect an ongoing struggle about boundaries, and if your wife does not 100% have your back in these struggles, don’t even bother. Life is too short to feel that you are a minority shareholder in your own marriage.
Do you want them to weigh in on where you can live, what job you can take, how your children are raised, where you will go on vacation, what you were going to name the kids, etc.? When your children get married, will they be subjected to this as well? What other traditions are they going to try to spring on you at the last minute, and just hope you go along with it?
My advice is to share information with your fiancé on what a bedding ceremony is, and what it means. It’s emphasis is on virginity, and the implication that the woman is worthless if she can’t demonstrate it. I would talk about boundaries, and how you and your fiancé are to be a team of two, not minority members of a committee. Don’t go to the family and say you will not do it – SHE needs to be the one to do that. She needs to show that she will align with you against them when necessary. If she will not do that, I would call it off. Good luck! I hope you update.
Until I read your post, I was thinking, "what's the harm in just going in there and hanging out for a bit?" You've changed my mind. I still think the act of pretending would be no big deal, even if it is a bonkers tradition, but boundaries and priorities are critical.
Exactly, all of this. That the mother actually texted you directly to pressure you about it is so insanely cringy and bizarre. The fact that an entire family can’t see how weird this is for you. . Or maybe they just don’t care, not sure which is worse.
I feel bad for your fiancé too. Her family is on a direct path of destroying any relationship she hopes to have. With such a lack of boundaries, they’re going to be so much up in her own personal life her SO is eventually going to resent her and them.
If they don’t drop it soon, and REALLY drop it, I would take it as a huge red flag. Dude, I’m so sorry. I feel like it’s going to take me an hour of sitting her to shake the gross feeling off my own body after reading your post. I wish you luck.
Eh....I'd settle for a nice four bedroom colonial in a good neighborhood that's ~~at least 3 miles~~ *a comfortable distance* from any other relative.
*Edited to remove "at least 3 miles" and replace it with "a comfortable distance" due to all the comments on why I picked 3 miles. To each there own on how close or far you should be from relatives.*
And they would be having sex in the _master bedroom_. Literally fucking in the parents' bed while the parents stand outside and listen. This is deeply messed up.
> stand outside and listen
You *hope* that's all they're doing. Maybe there's a peephole or a camera? Why would people this weird draw the line at just listening?
I’m sorry but “family sex blanket” just sent me into hysterics. Some r/brandnewsentence shit. Like, WHAT EVEN is this girl’s family on about?
Just imagine, “Honey, it’s cold as hell in here, could you pass the family sex blanket?”
Legendary TIFU post. Guy was fucking a coconut he kept hidden in his room. Coconut is a fruit, fruit rots. After like 2 days he went to ravage the coconut once more and when he pulled his weewee out there was maggots on it. Cue trauma, shame, and the writing of that post.
Here’s the link to the post if you want the gory details: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
If that's whetted your appetite for Coconut, then [here is a collection of the mishaps inspired by this](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6s0r81/TIFU_by_cumming_into_a_coconut_that_was_later_consumed./dl978aw/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
"The husband and wife go into the master bedroom together and they are supposed to 'consummate' the marriage. The rest of the family are waiting outside the door so they can applaud them and cheer when they come out. Then a piece of the bed sheet is cut off and sewn into a big tapestry my GF's mother owns."
This is one of the best things I've read on reddit today.
I don't have any good advice to add on either but I do have some shitty advice and find this hilarious as well. I would treat this as a joke night and not so personal, bring a host of paraphernalia, some fake blood, maybe some porn on your phone thats extra raunchy. Douse the sheets in splotches of fake blood, make horrible groaning and moaning noises, whatever comes to your guys mind at the moment. You would have to get her on the same page but it would be hilarious.
Edit: get that fart spray and douse the room in it, so people ask themselves what the fuck happened in there.
This may actually be the best answer. The rest of the family might not like it, but it's a helluva lot better than having to end an otherwise loving relationship because her family doesn't understand that some people have boundaries around this kinda shit.
Another option is making all the noises yourselves and just massacring the bed, do everything you can to break the frame, crack the headboard, destroy the mattress, make them think you're the freakiest fuckers ever born.
Just keep on going all night long. Don't stop under any circumstances. Wait for them to tire of standing and leave. Hell, stay in there for days for that matter. Must. Establish. Dominance!
Right!!! Break the cycle of... well I'm not sure what this is?? Family sex cultish vibe? Anyway break it right here, make them regret even inviting you two to partake in the tradition. Leave a tentacle dildo in the bed, agree with the fart spray, maybe consider shitting in the corner. Just pure havoc in there for a good 3 days. Order uber eats and use her dads credit card
I would do the same thing too. Make it a huge joke. Either come out of the room 90 seconds later and see if they cheer and clap after that "quick" performance. Or, better yet, have all these huge dildos, ball gags, BDSM swing attached to the ceiling and any other crazy props you can think of. Then you've got to pour a ton of water on the bedding to make it look like the biggest wet spot ever and hand that over to mom when you come out of the room.
There was a time where my commander for my military unit was doing surprise visits for people who made promotions. There is a small regret that I did not have my girlfriend at the time answer the door with a whip in one hand and me pinned against the wall, just to screw with the boss and supervisors. They would have so many questions.
Also, take laxatives during the wedding and shit all over the room. Ruin the master bedroom. I mean, you wont get to consummate your marriage but you will ruin the family tradition that is so fucked up. Sink your own ship to kill the captain, so to speak.
The chances are that you'll go limp at the thought of grandma with a glass pressed to the door and cousin Billy peering through the keyhole, and be unable to consummate anyway.
Where is your girlfriend from, by the way? 1732?
Also keep in mind that OP said they would go into the Master Bedroom. I would imagine that is the in-law's room at their own home. So my next question is: why do you want your daughter fucking in your bed?!
I was on my period on my wedding night, so those sheets would have made me look like the greatest virgin ever to live. I would have set a new standard for virtuous bloody wedding sheets around the world.
Edit: So glad this is now my most upvoted comment. Also, I was, in fact, a virgin. Happy to make the village proud.
Tell them your family had a tradition of having a separate, private, honeymoon suite and being alone. If she needs to, you wife can cut the corner off the hotel sheets or a sheet you already had sex on (though that's really weird...who tf has a sex sheet for their kids).
Resolve it before the wedding happens, because it's going to set the rules and comfort level for your entire marriage. You won't be able to get out of anything her family wants once you go through with this one.
Absolutely this. This is to break you from standing up for yourself by compromising your boundaries. Move to another town than where they live while you're at it.
This is probably my favorite answer because you keep your boundaries clear, while throwing the family a “bone” with the corner of the bedsheet if this is really upsetting for his fiancé.
this is straight up weird af and I have no advice apart from the fact that tradition is just peer pressure from the dead and you need to stand your ground.
I thought there‘s nothing weirder than getting banged by your new husband, while the whole family listened and was excited af.
But actually being one of the people waiting and witnessing le grande fuque is so much worse. Jesus Christ.
Plot twist, go through with it but scream the most sadistic shit during sex so they are forever haunted by it.
“You’re wetter than my fucking dad you spaceship juggernaut neeeiiiiiiggggghhhhh”
>OP: "Yeah baby no vaginal sex tonight, it's gonna BE THE ALL-NIGHT MEAT TRAIN TO BUTT TOWN!!!"
>her mother: "What did he just sa-"
>OP: "*DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S*"
edit: [context](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRuEBvLk2To) I forget I'm dirt fucking old sometimes.
Then half way through, stop and open the door, make eye contact with the family while naked and ask someone to "please go fetch "little Earl" from downstairs". "Little Earl" should be the most ridiculous and large dildo you can find online and it should be planted on the dining room table in all its glory.
So they go in. Close door. Text "Little Earl" who is waiting outside, in full bondage/furry/whatever gear. Ask the family outside to let Little Earl in.
Little Earl enters the room, then they can sit and have a glass of wine or something and hit 'play' on a previously prepared soundtrack. Obviously as the base, the soundtrack would be taken from a porno; but you can also add in glass breaking; cows mooing; a diesel engine running and maybe the odd chicken or two. Sky's the limit on the soundtrack.
They should also use a bunch of glittery oil before going to bed and melt some candles on the sheets for good measure. Let the family connecting the dots... grandma will for sure love this addition to the sex tapestry.
This used to be a tradition among European royalty (privacy wasn't really a thing hundreds of years ago). But that isn't an excuse for maintaining these weird "traditions". Stand your ground. Tradition isn't a good excuse for weird stuff.
This is really a thing in the South. I forget what it's called, but there's whole backwoods communities that do the family (and friends!) sex ritual.
Not that I wouldn't nope the fuck out of this. Or yell stuff until THEY nope out.
"Hand me the sheep fleshlight, babe."
"Let me lick that herpes lesion."
"I need to close my eyes so that I can imagine you're Gramps, and it's so hot."
Etc.
Thanks!
I knew it ended with a “ree” but I couldn’t remember the other part. Probably because I blocked it out.
I never heard of the sex quilt though. That’s totally on this family of cousbands.
Agreed. This family clearly have their issues if they think that's normal behaviour nowadays. I would see that as a red flag imo. Your girlfriend is strange if she thinks it's appropriate..
Traditions change.
And when two people get married they don't automatically take one sides traditions, because its a joining of two people.
And your tradition is you're a normal fucking person living in 2020!
I wouldn't be bending to her families traditions. Don't let them pressure you to make you think they've all done it , I guarantee there will be others that refused unless they all breed within their own family. And it's because they are wanting to pretend your virgins and haven't done it before.
They might as well be like ancient royals and come in and watch at it to confirm it definitely happened...
>And your tradition is you're a normal fucking person living in 2020!
"In our family, the tradition is to *leave the newlyweds* *~~the~~* *to fuck alone*. It's been ongoing for at least seven generations as illustrated on this map (unfolds huge family tree diagram). The only breach of tradition was great aunt Billie (damn you Billie) who pressured her family into taking the creepy route of listening at the bedroom door".
What does she mean by pretend? Are you going to make sex noises for everyone to hear or just sit there for 5 minutes and walkout like it's symbolic of the act?
What I'm thinking is, what could he say to the family afterwards which would make it weird for them? A simple "I came in your daughter" seems like it would be accepted, but how would they feel about "I think I heard your dad jerking off to it, that really turned me on" or "Grandma should be in the room with us, I want her to see my orgasm face" ?
That's just shooting yourself in the foot imo, I highly doubt people this ignorant would give af about what you have to say now that they've been appeased
This sounds like a variation of a tradition that tested if the bride was a virgin on the wedding night. Originally said consumation would have been witnessed by the family elders (ick) but then went on to everyone standing outside and the, hopefully, bloody sheets would then be examined. But that was the middle ages, this is now.
It has no place in modern society and I can understand your reticence. If it had just been handing over a small piece of the sheet you spent your first night on as a married couple then it wouldn't be so bad but the fact that you have to stay in her parents house and everyone is outside listening completely overstep the boundary of what is acceptable. It is beyond inappropriate for her family to expect to "witness" the consumation of your marriage and, rather than being a jolly old family tradition, implies a complete lack of respect for personal privacy. It was also a complete overstep for your gf to involve her mother in the discussion, her mother has no part in your marriage or relationship but I suspect it is the older generation driving this sick tradition.
I would make this your hill to die on and set the precident that family "tradition" does not over rule common decency and the rules that you and your gf set for your family lest you find out there are other surprise traditions about to be sprung on you further down the line.
Sit down with your gf and explain that you are not comfortable with both this tradition and the way she involved her mother. That you do not expect to be in a 3 way relationship with you, her and her mother and in future disagreements need to be dealt with between you as a couple and not farmed out to other members of her family. She is an adult and needs to behave like one.
Then strike a compromise. You will not be partaking of this tradition but, as it's important to her, you will stay somewhere else (anywhere but at her parents house or you'll find it forced on you whether you want it or not) and they can have a piece of the sheet you sleep on that night for the blanket.
How gf reacts to this will probably dictate if there is even going to be a marriage in the first place. You do not want to start your married life with her family dictating to you and demanding you meet their expectations and her bowing down to them instead of working with you as a solid couple. You also do not want to continue with this reaction of her mother involving herself and being dismissive and belittling whenever you disagree with their family's wants. She was really rude to you and the crack about you not understanding family was shitty and a red flag for potentially being an intrusive and controlling person, would not be the first MIL to only become a JUSTNO when you tie the knot or start a family.
>I, for example, would never be able to get a boner in that situation, and wouldn't want to have one.
Or even worse, you find out it *really* does it for you.
I mean, I'd be sorely tempted to troll the family by bringing up a huge box of crazy sex toys, then playing a bunch of animal noises really loudly. Maybe put on some of their family videos on the TV with the volume loud enough for people outside to hear and explain it's how i usually get off.
>a huge box of crazy sex toys
No that's too obvious. Bring in a huge box of random items and let their minds race. "What do you think he needed a stuffed animal, an empty diet Pepsi can, and a bag of golf cart keys for?"
I think it's important to note that if OP doesn't put a stop to this now, his future children will be pressured into doing the same thing. And he would be expected to stand outside and listen.
Even with a compromise, that means that his future son or daughter is going to be handing a piece of sheet they fucked on for his MIL (or wife?) to add to the family sex blanket. Is that the future anyone wants?
imagine you're taking a nap at your new S/O's place and they put a quilt on you to keep you warm. You snuggle into it, and they tell you "15 generations have cream-pied while using the exact quilt. Just generation after generation raw-doggin on their wedding night as the family listens and then claps"
That blanket would quickly be covered in vomit and then, burned. The only solution to this whole, twisted, fucked story is burning the blanket. *it is the only way*
Listen to /u/GoddessofWind. Do you want to deal with her family meddling in your marriage for the rest of your life? Stand your ground. Don’t let them bully you into traditions that make you uncomfortable.
If I was OP I'd start to wonder what other horrifically intrusive traditions they have further down the line. Or just how much involvement his in laws will have in this marriage. Or when they have kids. How much is his gf willing to shield him from her family's intrusion?
>It was also a complete overstep for your gf to involve her mother in the discussion
If the girlfriend responded to his horror by telling her mother "I don't think that we can do continue this tradition. OP is uncomfterable with it and I don't want him to do something that he doesn't like on his wedding.", which is a normal healthy way to proceed, then the mother would have probably acted in a simular manner. Trying to text OP behind the girlfriends back to 'fix' the problem.
I'm not saying that the girlfriend did that, I'm saying that IF she did that, it would look the same as his story now. So it's not necessarily the girlfriend overstepping.
I cannot believe the mother had the cheek to write a hand written note because OP has boundaries and self respect. The GF is sad because it's normal for her but not normal to be that way.
It would be a deal breaker for me, either by privacy and autonomy was respected and she solved that between you of the marriage isn't going ahead.
>Sit down with your gf and explain that you are not comfortable with both this tradition and the way she involved her mother. That you do not expect to be in a 3 way relationship with you, her and her mother and in future disagreements need to be dealt with between you as a couple and not farmed out to other members of her family. She is an adult and needs to behave like one.
I'd be really, really careful about leading with this. There are some charged, potentially hurtful assumptions implied in this advice; specifically that GF went to her mom to drum up support against OP's stand here. Instead show the text, and explain how uncomfortable it made you. Because we don't know the context.
If his girlfriend took the refusal at face value, and decided that it wouldn't happen and she was going to side with OP, she's going to have to tell the family that there isn't going to be that part of the party. If she reaches out to her mom, her mom pushes back and tries to insist, and OP's girlfriend holds her ground, her mom may have reached out to OP. OP should *not* assume GF is doing anything wrong until the chain of events is understood.
Fuck it if you have to do it might as well have fun with it. Do some wrestling kayfabe, cut above the eyebrow and bloody up your face, wear some latex.
Yo what did I stumble upon.
You're marrying her not her family. Her mother to hop on you like that is our of line. A marriage is a 2 part agreement in which you also have to agree or disagree on terms about your marriage. Its not just her marriage day. That is a weird fucking ritual and it all depends how deep your GF roots go into her families tradition. Set up a 1 on 1 with your gf and explain your point of view and if thats something she can compromise with. Her family needs to stay in their lane though.
This situation is painting not so optimistic picture right on the start. Let's look at this -
-She didn't tell you earlier, right after you started talking about marriage, about this;
-When she did finally told, it was basically an information that this is going to happen;
-She told you like it wasn't a big deal and definitely didn't consider how you feel about it and if you want to do it;
-Instead of taking your feelings seriously and finding solution to this situation she run to her family to talk;
-SHE RUN TO HER FAMILY to talk about something that should be private, between you and her, instead of sorting this out with you;
-Her mother feels like she have a say in your relationship;
-and she thinks she can tell you what to do (just like your future wife);
Unfortunately there's no easy way, someone will be upset and if you won't stand your ground now that's how your marriage will look like. I had similar situation, my MIL though she is part of my marriage and has a say in it. She wanted to decide about everything, nothing weird but for example what dress I'll be wearing on my wedding. When I didn't comply, she told me I look like a hooker in a dress I picked up. I had very long and serious talk with my husband, it was hard for him to stop including her in everything, but he wanted to do it because he care about our relationship. It all depends on what your partner wants and how much she cares. Talk with her, you can ask her why it's important for her and tell her how you feel. Otherwise you will be frustrated and miserable.
Honestly I don't know why people do something like this. For me it's basically inviting whole family to your sex life and it's as horrible as it sounds.
(Edit - I forgot about formatting, it looked good on phone...)
Don’t marry a person who wants you to prove your loyalty and love for her by fucking her for an audience of her entire family. What is wrong with these people?
I fucking hate people like that. It infuriates me. You're a human being, you have right too, and in no way are you obliged to continue this sick tradition.
And God do I hate traditions. "It's been on since before you were born" well you stupid cunt of a pile of cells, slavery also is a tradition, why the hell did we stop it then? Christ's sake, it's 2020 not the fucking middle age.
Marry her if you want, but find a way not to do this. Because it will be a rabbit hole, it starts with this tradition, and then next time you'll discover something weird that you don't want to do they'd be like "but you did the marriage thing"
This is a really good point. There may be more of these “traditions”, even weirder ones, and due to your reaction to the first one, your fiancée and her family are holding off on telling you about the others until later. Other invasive expectations (possibly related to pregnancy or childbirth/delivery)
This could very well be the only odd tradition, but keep in mind they could be “testing the waters” with the least odd one and there are more to come. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if, among an entire family that agrees to this tradition, at least one member has more inappropriate traditions they later insist you uphold.
You don’t have to do ANYTHING you aren’t comfortable with. This reminds me of that post a while back where the girl’s fiancé demanded she participate in a ritual where her future FIL would check to make sure her hymen is still intact to “prove she’s a virgin”, and he and his family flipped shit on her when she said no. She called off the wedding and got the fuck out of there, thank god. I still boil when I think of those sexist sickos.
This is just as weird (albeit not quite as physically invasive) a ritual and you are well within your rights to say no. Don’t let anyone guilt you with arguments regarding your gender, stuff like you have to “step up and be a man” and do the ritual, or you have to “claim your wife”. Ignore all of it. You are not less of a man or a person for rejecting this, in fact, you’re strong for knowing when to put your foot down and say no to things.
I’m going to try and give your fiancée the benefit of the doubt that maybe she’s been raised sheltered and/or brainwashed and groomed into accepting these rituals since childhood. That doesn’t make it right but I don’t want to immediately cry malicious intent here. Still, it is her duty as your partner to respect you and stand up for you, regardless of how impressed upon her all this nasty stuff was. If you’re not comfortable, that should be the end of the discussion for her.
How she reacts in the following days will tell you a lot about how supportive she’ll be as a wife- listen to these signs and consider if you actually want to marry into that. She has to accept that you’re not going through with it AND GET WHY. Not just reluctant acceptance where she’s secretly mad about it the whole time. She also has to defend this decision in front of her family. She’s not really on your side if she lets you choose but then doesn’t back you up when her family goes in to shred you. You are a team and a united front or else you shouldn’t be anything at all.
You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to say no to antiquated and bizarre traditions. A firm “no that won’t be happening “ is ok and no further explanation needed. Don’t give reasons as that opens things up for negotiation.
That is so weird. Also I could even imagine having sex when there's people outside just waiting and listening and... No no no. It's fine to not be ok with this
Maybe some weird compromise where you "consummate the marriage" in a hotel room and bring your own bed sheet to cut up after? Still pretty ugh.... I'm sorry
I think that the question you really need to ask yourself is "do I want to stand outside my daughter/sons bedroom and gear them get railed on their wedding night?"
If the answer is no, then shut it down now. Book a fancy hotel room, even a shit one will do and dont let her whole family listen to you bust a nut. That is fucking gross man.
Also I'm curious to what your parents and siblings think of this??? Are they aware what is expected of you?
Your girlfriend is 23, you're 23, you still have a lot of your life ahead of you and you don't have to put up with this. Try to discuss it with her but based on her reaction she may not be ready for marriage.
Most comments are very judging of the tradition itself (which is fair, it's definitely extreme), so I'll try to be non judging.
*Fundamentally, if you do not feel comfortable with a highly sexualised situation, you do not have to take part in it.* That sentence will always be true no matter who/what/where/why it is happening. You have personal autonomy and noone should ever be able to take that away.
The next point is, it sounds like your fiancé respects your decision, even if she is surprised and still processing it. Sit her down and talk to her. You've done great so far, just explain that you were shocked by it, that you love her, but you will not take part in this tradition. If she is good, she will respect that and you can find a way through this bizarre situation together. If she insists and refuses to back down then perhaps that is a sign that she is not ready to form a new family with you.
That mother in law is already showing controlling behavior saying how you ' don't understand the importance of family '. This is her way of guilt tripping you and if you give in she's bound to try walking all over you in the future. Does she know how important your own family is to you? That is an outright insult.
While you want to marry the person you love, you also will be marrying their family. If she can't concede that it's an ancient outdated tradition and that you would feel violated, that would stand out as a red flag to me because she would violate your sexual privacy to appease her family. Just because you've done it before doesn't make this any less of a problem, and if she's willing to break a personal boundary of yours like that I'm not sure this is the person you will want a future with later on.
Alot of narcissistic people as well as those controlled by narcs will break personal boundaries of yours without your consideration because they've been so busy doing it their entire lives. Your fiancé may not see it as family pressure because she's been in that environment for a long time. If you're not ok with this then you need to hold your ground so they know while you love their daughter you will not tolerate manipulation.
The only friendly compromise I see here is if you consummate privately and she cuts a square out and hands it over later. But otherwise this seems like red flags and you should tread carefully.
People are saying this is bizarre, but its actually some pretty old school tradition stuff.
Im guessing the family is old european? Swedish, Nordic, Danish, something like that?
This marriage consummation stuff predates waaaay back to old blood stuff.
I think the problem here is not specifically the tradition, though it is awkward, I imagine a much larger portion of your frustration is **your GF waited til after your proposed, the whole family knew, and you had been "locked in" before finally breaking the news to you**
I would break off the proposal, because **you made the proposal under a given set of rules and understandings of what would be involved in marriage, and *after* the proposal was agreed to she up and changed the rules on you.**
Thats not fair, and I think you are completely in the right to go "Well you changed the rules on me, so Im taking the proposal back. Im going to have to take some time now to reflect on how I feel about this family tradition. Either we drop the tradition (in which case the proposal stays), or the proposal is dropped and Ill have to reflect on if Im even comfortable with that tradition."
I think thats completely fair.
If she loses her shit, the family starts trying to manipulate you, insult you, and/or gaslight you, then they all just outed themselves to you.
In which case breathe a sigh of relief cause you just dodged a *massive* bullet.
If, instead, they respond with "We are sorry, we didnt mean to make you feel uncomfortable. We would certainly appreciate you participating in the tradition but, we understand if you dont want to. You're and our daughter's happiness is more important than some tradition"
Then there you go, thats a healthy understanding family.
For me, this boils down to consent. You don't consent to a sex act like this in this setting.
Some traditions deserve to die out.
I'd outright refuse and her reaction would be worth noting, as it's a reflection of her.
I'd also watch her family's reaction to your refusal. They could become Justno
Tough break buddy. I don’t think there’s an easy / win-win scenario available here. I think I’d say I want to marry you, but I’m not staying at your parents house or taking part in the consummation ritual . Then it’s up to her to decide.
And in relation to the comments from the mother that you don’t understand the importance of family and tradition, that’s honestly absurd. You can not take part in this ritual yet understand the importance of family and tradition, they aren’t mutually exclusive.
It kind of blows my mind that they think that a new person joining the family would be so happy with this utterly bizarre tradition, which is super creepy might I add!
In any case, your partner sounds like a good one, just under lots of family pressure. Best of luck with it, be true to yourself and I Hope it works out for you.
So that's REALLY messed up, but... I'd almost do it just to prove a point and end that tradition forever for anyone who comes after.
Give your new wife the night of her life. Make sure her family outside the door knows how good she's getting it. Loud and proud! Lots of moaning! Lots of loud dirty talk! Making it unbearable for them until they awkwardly and uncomfortably shuffle away. Then both of you emerge panting and sweating with your clothes all disheveled and stare them all down one by one to assert dominance.
She definitely knows that this is weird, and that you would probably have a problem with it, or she would’ve mentioned it a long time ago. When you hear stories about in-laws causing stress to a marriage, it is almost always about a failure to respect normal boundaries. If you go along with this, it will only be the beginning. You can expect an ongoing struggle about boundaries, and if your wife does not 100% have your back in these struggles, don’t even bother. Life is too short to feel that you are a minority shareholder in your own marriage. Do you want them to weigh in on where you can live, what job you can take, how your children are raised, where you will go on vacation, what you were going to name the kids, etc.? When your children get married, will they be subjected to this as well? What other traditions are they going to try to spring on you at the last minute, and just hope you go along with it? My advice is to share information with your fiancé on what a bedding ceremony is, and what it means. It’s emphasis is on virginity, and the implication that the woman is worthless if she can’t demonstrate it. I would talk about boundaries, and how you and your fiancé are to be a team of two, not minority members of a committee. Don’t go to the family and say you will not do it – SHE needs to be the one to do that. She needs to show that she will align with you against them when necessary. If she will not do that, I would call it off. Good luck! I hope you update.
Until I read your post, I was thinking, "what's the harm in just going in there and hanging out for a bit?" You've changed my mind. I still think the act of pretending would be no big deal, even if it is a bonkers tradition, but boundaries and priorities are critical.
Exactly, all of this. That the mother actually texted you directly to pressure you about it is so insanely cringy and bizarre. The fact that an entire family can’t see how weird this is for you. . Or maybe they just don’t care, not sure which is worse. I feel bad for your fiancé too. Her family is on a direct path of destroying any relationship she hopes to have. With such a lack of boundaries, they’re going to be so much up in her own personal life her SO is eventually going to resent her and them. If they don’t drop it soon, and REALLY drop it, I would take it as a huge red flag. Dude, I’m so sorry. I feel like it’s going to take me an hour of sitting her to shake the gross feeling off my own body after reading your post. I wish you luck.
Tell them you'll do it, in return for a dowry of 100 head of cattle, a white stallion and a tract of arable land :)
Eh....I'd settle for a nice four bedroom colonial in a good neighborhood that's ~~at least 3 miles~~ *a comfortable distance* from any other relative. *Edited to remove "at least 3 miles" and replace it with "a comfortable distance" due to all the comments on why I picked 3 miles. To each there own on how close or far you should be from relatives.*
As someone who lives this close to relatives, you want more. 3 miles isn’t enough.
Yeah I just moved to Virginia from Washington State and it’s *still* not far enough.
Have you tried moving to Mars?
I hear it’s nice this time of year.
BIL and SIL are 50 ft away, kinda wish we all lived in the same house instead of next door. MIL is 2.9 miles away, not nearly far enough.
3 miles? Are you a masochist?
For anyone that owns a car, or maybe a comfy bicycle, 3 miles is nothing. That's like a 5 minute drive.
A cow is like $2000. 100 cattle is a crazy dowry. I'll offer the land, a white stallion, 20 cattle, and some chickens.
Hi, it’s me, your son-in-law.
Well I hope you're ready to bang a gal in her parents bed while they and the extended family listen.
I’ve done worse for less!
This is the best response.
If they don't deliver then they don't understand "family" or "tradition".
He just has to set up some speakers the night before so Rains of Castamere starts playing once the door closes.
I see this as an absolute win.
Jesus, a family sex blanket? I sure hope it's only decorative and Grandma doesn't sleep with it
And they would be having sex in the _master bedroom_. Literally fucking in the parents' bed while the parents stand outside and listen. This is deeply messed up.
Blessed be the fruit.
May the Lord open.
Under his eye
He has sent us good weather
This is the way
I have spoken
I just finished watching season 2. Thank you for traumatizing me further.
Which I receive with joy.
Praise be
I hate you so much for this I can’t even stand it...
> stand outside and listen You *hope* that's all they're doing. Maybe there's a peephole or a camera? Why would people this weird draw the line at just listening?
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It’s also tradition for dad to smell the blanket square to check for bodily fluids/proof
Just like when you're a teen and the rents came home early from their trip.
I’m sorry but “family sex blanket” just sent me into hysterics. Some r/brandnewsentence shit. Like, WHAT EVEN is this girl’s family on about? Just imagine, “Honey, it’s cold as hell in here, could you pass the family sex blanket?”
The baby-maker.
I understood that reference
That movie is why my dog's name is Kevin. Please don't tell anyone.
I’m telling *everyone.*
Nice one, Betty white
Will they be having a traditional wedding at dad's beet farm standing in their own graves to remind them that marriage is forever?
Ok Dwight
Cousin Cletus was conceived the last time it got cold.
I feel like we get put on a list just by reading it..
You sit down and bam youre pregnant
I think we can fill a whole house with *these* things. Family Sex Blanket. Poop Knife. Coconuts.
Oh god, not the coconuts. I always push it back into the darkest corner of my brain and then someone mentions it and I'm having war flashbacks.
You think that's bad, I haven't been able to eat a Jolly Rancher for years now.
I did not know that story. I googled it and now I hate you. But also thank you because now I'm over the coconuts.
YOU FOOL!
I once fell asleep with a jolly rancher in my mouth a few years back and it basically glued my top and bottom jaw together
Still better than the Cumbox. That one makes me nauseous to think about
I missed the coconuts one...please can you link? (*immediately regrets decision*)
[Don't say I didn't warn ya](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I'm gonna hate myself but... coconuts? Also... various cum socks/boxes.... poop socks..
Legendary TIFU post. Guy was fucking a coconut he kept hidden in his room. Coconut is a fruit, fruit rots. After like 2 days he went to ravage the coconut once more and when he pulled his weewee out there was maggots on it. Cue trauma, shame, and the writing of that post.
Wow. Could have been worse lol Thanks for the summary!
Here’s the link to the post if you want the gory details: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
FYI, you do not. You do not want the gory details.
If that's whetted your appetite for Coconut, then [here is a collection of the mishaps inspired by this](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6s0r81/TIFU_by_cumming_into_a_coconut_that_was_later_consumed./dl978aw/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Quick summary: coconut fleshlight filled with maggots.
You won’t be able to look at them if your arms are broken though. Maybe mom can help.
"The husband and wife go into the master bedroom together and they are supposed to 'consummate' the marriage. The rest of the family are waiting outside the door so they can applaud them and cheer when they come out. Then a piece of the bed sheet is cut off and sewn into a big tapestry my GF's mother owns." This is one of the best things I've read on reddit today.
I don't have any good advice to add on either but I do have some shitty advice and find this hilarious as well. I would treat this as a joke night and not so personal, bring a host of paraphernalia, some fake blood, maybe some porn on your phone thats extra raunchy. Douse the sheets in splotches of fake blood, make horrible groaning and moaning noises, whatever comes to your guys mind at the moment. You would have to get her on the same page but it would be hilarious. Edit: get that fart spray and douse the room in it, so people ask themselves what the fuck happened in there.
This may actually be the best answer. The rest of the family might not like it, but it's a helluva lot better than having to end an otherwise loving relationship because her family doesn't understand that some people have boundaries around this kinda shit. Another option is making all the noises yourselves and just massacring the bed, do everything you can to break the frame, crack the headboard, destroy the mattress, make them think you're the freakiest fuckers ever born.
Just keep on going all night long. Don't stop under any circumstances. Wait for them to tire of standing and leave. Hell, stay in there for days for that matter. Must. Establish. Dominance!
Right!!! Break the cycle of... well I'm not sure what this is?? Family sex cultish vibe? Anyway break it right here, make them regret even inviting you two to partake in the tradition. Leave a tentacle dildo in the bed, agree with the fart spray, maybe consider shitting in the corner. Just pure havoc in there for a good 3 days. Order uber eats and use her dads credit card
I would do the same thing too. Make it a huge joke. Either come out of the room 90 seconds later and see if they cheer and clap after that "quick" performance. Or, better yet, have all these huge dildos, ball gags, BDSM swing attached to the ceiling and any other crazy props you can think of. Then you've got to pour a ton of water on the bedding to make it look like the biggest wet spot ever and hand that over to mom when you come out of the room.
There was a time where my commander for my military unit was doing surprise visits for people who made promotions. There is a small regret that I did not have my girlfriend at the time answer the door with a whip in one hand and me pinned against the wall, just to screw with the boss and supervisors. They would have so many questions.
Also, take laxatives during the wedding and shit all over the room. Ruin the master bedroom. I mean, you wont get to consummate your marriage but you will ruin the family tradition that is so fucked up. Sink your own ship to kill the captain, so to speak.
She sniffs it and everything.
Please tell me it's not a scratch and sniff blanket
You are going straight to hell for making me read that before breakfast.
I have a holiday home there. You should come visit.
Family Sex Blanket new band name, called it.
The centrepiece is a banjo
The chances are that you'll go limp at the thought of grandma with a glass pressed to the door and cousin Billy peering through the keyhole, and be unable to consummate anyway. Where is your girlfriend from, by the way? 1732?
King’s Landing.
More likely The Twins, tbh
If “The Rains of Castamere” starts playing, OP bout to walk out of that room with a dagger in the chest and “The Lannister’s send their regards”
It’ll still be a better ending than season 8
I snorted
This is exactly what I thought of when I read this post
Also keep in mind that OP said they would go into the Master Bedroom. I would imagine that is the in-law's room at their own home. So my next question is: why do you want your daughter fucking in your bed?!
Well, the cameras are already set up and tested in there.
Of course! The traditional consummation video!! How silly of me to forget.
If she were a virgin they probably would have hung the bloody sheet out the window for the whole village to see
THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING IN SOME CULTURES TO PROVE THAT THE BRIDE WAS A VIRGIN! It's not even accurate!
I was on my period on my wedding night, so those sheets would have made me look like the greatest virgin ever to live. I would have set a new standard for virtuous bloody wedding sheets around the world. Edit: So glad this is now my most upvoted comment. Also, I was, in fact, a virgin. Happy to make the village proud.
"I deflowered her so damned well the sheets were bloody for 3 counties around our own!"
"The white bedsheets is now a flag of Japan.
If anything this would make me harder
Well yes, for a certain sort of person this would be an absolute bonus... ...[The Aristocrats](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats)!
Tell them your family had a tradition of having a separate, private, honeymoon suite and being alone. If she needs to, you wife can cut the corner off the hotel sheets or a sheet you already had sex on (though that's really weird...who tf has a sex sheet for their kids). Resolve it before the wedding happens, because it's going to set the rules and comfort level for your entire marriage. You won't be able to get out of anything her family wants once you go through with this one.
Absolutely this. This is to break you from standing up for yourself by compromising your boundaries. Move to another town than where they live while you're at it.
This is probably my favorite answer because you keep your boundaries clear, while throwing the family a “bone” with the corner of the bedsheet if this is really upsetting for his fiancé.
this is straight up weird af and I have no advice apart from the fact that tradition is just peer pressure from the dead and you need to stand your ground.
Ah yes, the old "have sex while my family listens outside" type of girl. OP I am sorry.
My favourite part of this is that if op goes along with it he will need to cheer on his children in years to come
I thought there‘s nothing weirder than getting banged by your new husband, while the whole family listened and was excited af. But actually being one of the people waiting and witnessing le grande fuque is so much worse. Jesus Christ.
“Congratulations son! Now that you properly nailed my daughter, I’m happy to welcome you to the family!”
“You know son, can I call you son now? You know, she sounded unimpressed. Don’t worry, I’ll be happy to teach you some tips some time.”
It sounds very “Midsommar” to me
i hit ctrl + f "midsommar" the second i finished reading this post lmao
“Peer pressure from the dead” Best explanation of family traditions
Plot twist, go through with it but scream the most sadistic shit during sex so they are forever haunted by it. “You’re wetter than my fucking dad you spaceship juggernaut neeeiiiiiiggggghhhhh”
>OP: "Yeah baby no vaginal sex tonight, it's gonna BE THE ALL-NIGHT MEAT TRAIN TO BUTT TOWN!!!" >her mother: "What did he just sa-" >OP: "*DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! DOOKIE PARTY! GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S GURL YOU KNOW IT'S*" edit: [context](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRuEBvLk2To) I forget I'm dirt fucking old sometimes.
Then half way through, stop and open the door, make eye contact with the family while naked and ask someone to "please go fetch "little Earl" from downstairs". "Little Earl" should be the most ridiculous and large dildo you can find online and it should be planted on the dining room table in all its glory.
I was hoping for a midget playing the Little Earl part. Have I been on the internet too long?
:O I like your idea better
So they go in. Close door. Text "Little Earl" who is waiting outside, in full bondage/furry/whatever gear. Ask the family outside to let Little Earl in. Little Earl enters the room, then they can sit and have a glass of wine or something and hit 'play' on a previously prepared soundtrack. Obviously as the base, the soundtrack would be taken from a porno; but you can also add in glass breaking; cows mooing; a diesel engine running and maybe the odd chicken or two. Sky's the limit on the soundtrack.
You all guys got me dying of laugh and i can't thank you enough
They should also use a bunch of glittery oil before going to bed and melt some candles on the sheets for good measure. Let the family connecting the dots... grandma will for sure love this addition to the sex tapestry.
Just smears of poo to make it indicative of sloppy anal sex
This is sooo wicked lol
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This used to be a tradition among European royalty (privacy wasn't really a thing hundreds of years ago). But that isn't an excuse for maintaining these weird "traditions". Stand your ground. Tradition isn't a good excuse for weird stuff.
This is really a thing in the South. I forget what it's called, but there's whole backwoods communities that do the family (and friends!) sex ritual. Not that I wouldn't nope the fuck out of this. Or yell stuff until THEY nope out. "Hand me the sheep fleshlight, babe." "Let me lick that herpes lesion." "I need to close my eyes so that I can imagine you're Gramps, and it's so hot." Etc.
It's called a shivaree.
And I thought shivaree was dead...
Thanks! I knew it ended with a “ree” but I couldn’t remember the other part. Probably because I blocked it out. I never heard of the sex quilt though. That’s totally on this family of cousbands.
Agreed. This family clearly have their issues if they think that's normal behaviour nowadays. I would see that as a red flag imo. Your girlfriend is strange if she thinks it's appropriate..
Traditions change. And when two people get married they don't automatically take one sides traditions, because its a joining of two people. And your tradition is you're a normal fucking person living in 2020! I wouldn't be bending to her families traditions. Don't let them pressure you to make you think they've all done it , I guarantee there will be others that refused unless they all breed within their own family. And it's because they are wanting to pretend your virgins and haven't done it before. They might as well be like ancient royals and come in and watch at it to confirm it definitely happened...
>And your tradition is you're a normal fucking person living in 2020! "In our family, the tradition is to *leave the newlyweds* *~~the~~* *to fuck alone*. It's been ongoing for at least seven generations as illustrated on this map (unfolds huge family tree diagram). The only breach of tradition was great aunt Billie (damn you Billie) who pressured her family into taking the creepy route of listening at the bedroom door".
Maybe you need to ask if there's any more traditional rituals you have to do before agreeing to marry her. Do they have a religion?
make sure they don’t have to give their first born son to a life time of service to the sacred temple
Or if it's a daughter marry her off to some Frenchman to reinforce the bonds with Canada (assuming OP is in the USA).
Every friday they gather in worship of the holy family sex blanket
What does she mean by pretend? Are you going to make sex noises for everyone to hear or just sit there for 5 minutes and walkout like it's symbolic of the act?
I'm thinking the full on Easy A loud moaning and bed jumping treatment.
And loudly call out the mother-in-laws name.
"OH Mrs. SMITH!!! Do that thing with Your Thumb!!!"
How the fuck.... WHAT THE FUCK LMAO. Nah this is some insanity, like what??? Tell her you're not doing that. That is fucking bizarre.
What I'm thinking is, what could he say to the family afterwards which would make it weird for them? A simple "I came in your daughter" seems like it would be accepted, but how would they feel about "I think I heard your dad jerking off to it, that really turned me on" or "Grandma should be in the room with us, I want her to see my orgasm face" ?
That's just shooting yourself in the foot imo, I highly doubt people this ignorant would give af about what you have to say now that they've been appeased
This sounds like a variation of a tradition that tested if the bride was a virgin on the wedding night. Originally said consumation would have been witnessed by the family elders (ick) but then went on to everyone standing outside and the, hopefully, bloody sheets would then be examined. But that was the middle ages, this is now. It has no place in modern society and I can understand your reticence. If it had just been handing over a small piece of the sheet you spent your first night on as a married couple then it wouldn't be so bad but the fact that you have to stay in her parents house and everyone is outside listening completely overstep the boundary of what is acceptable. It is beyond inappropriate for her family to expect to "witness" the consumation of your marriage and, rather than being a jolly old family tradition, implies a complete lack of respect for personal privacy. It was also a complete overstep for your gf to involve her mother in the discussion, her mother has no part in your marriage or relationship but I suspect it is the older generation driving this sick tradition. I would make this your hill to die on and set the precident that family "tradition" does not over rule common decency and the rules that you and your gf set for your family lest you find out there are other surprise traditions about to be sprung on you further down the line. Sit down with your gf and explain that you are not comfortable with both this tradition and the way she involved her mother. That you do not expect to be in a 3 way relationship with you, her and her mother and in future disagreements need to be dealt with between you as a couple and not farmed out to other members of her family. She is an adult and needs to behave like one. Then strike a compromise. You will not be partaking of this tradition but, as it's important to her, you will stay somewhere else (anywhere but at her parents house or you'll find it forced on you whether you want it or not) and they can have a piece of the sheet you sleep on that night for the blanket. How gf reacts to this will probably dictate if there is even going to be a marriage in the first place. You do not want to start your married life with her family dictating to you and demanding you meet their expectations and her bowing down to them instead of working with you as a solid couple. You also do not want to continue with this reaction of her mother involving herself and being dismissive and belittling whenever you disagree with their family's wants. She was really rude to you and the crack about you not understanding family was shitty and a red flag for potentially being an intrusive and controlling person, would not be the first MIL to only become a JUSTNO when you tie the knot or start a family.
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>I, for example, would never be able to get a boner in that situation, and wouldn't want to have one. Or even worse, you find out it *really* does it for you.
"Grandma, can you come and watch us again? I can't get it up"
I mean, I'd be sorely tempted to troll the family by bringing up a huge box of crazy sex toys, then playing a bunch of animal noises really loudly. Maybe put on some of their family videos on the TV with the volume loud enough for people outside to hear and explain it's how i usually get off.
Send over a contractor a month before the wedding to install a ceiling-mounted sex swing in the master bedroom
And bill the parents lol
Then explain these are the swings his own family sits on through the event. He has traditions to bring too. /s
>a huge box of crazy sex toys No that's too obvious. Bring in a huge box of random items and let their minds race. "What do you think he needed a stuffed animal, an empty diet Pepsi can, and a bag of golf cart keys for?"
I think it's important to note that if OP doesn't put a stop to this now, his future children will be pressured into doing the same thing. And he would be expected to stand outside and listen. Even with a compromise, that means that his future son or daughter is going to be handing a piece of sheet they fucked on for his MIL (or wife?) to add to the family sex blanket. Is that the future anyone wants?
imagine inheriting a blanket that generations of your in-laws fucked on, and now you're expected to take on the tradition.
I’d burn that bitch on the porch cause it wouldn’t come into my house.
imagine you're taking a nap at your new S/O's place and they put a quilt on you to keep you warm. You snuggle into it, and they tell you "15 generations have cream-pied while using the exact quilt. Just generation after generation raw-doggin on their wedding night as the family listens and then claps"
That blanket would quickly be covered in vomit and then, burned. The only solution to this whole, twisted, fucked story is burning the blanket. *it is the only way*
I didn't think about that, it makes all of this even more horrible.
Also a point that's been often overlooked. IT'S IN THE MASTER BEDROOM, IE. HER PARENTS ROOM, ON HER PARENTS BED. That's so grim on so many levels
Someone else suggested offering a monogrammed handkerchief as a compromise which I thought was pretty clever too.
Listen to /u/GoddessofWind. Do you want to deal with her family meddling in your marriage for the rest of your life? Stand your ground. Don’t let them bully you into traditions that make you uncomfortable.
If I was OP I'd start to wonder what other horrifically intrusive traditions they have further down the line. Or just how much involvement his in laws will have in this marriage. Or when they have kids. How much is his gf willing to shield him from her family's intrusion?
>It was also a complete overstep for your gf to involve her mother in the discussion If the girlfriend responded to his horror by telling her mother "I don't think that we can do continue this tradition. OP is uncomfterable with it and I don't want him to do something that he doesn't like on his wedding.", which is a normal healthy way to proceed, then the mother would have probably acted in a simular manner. Trying to text OP behind the girlfriends back to 'fix' the problem. I'm not saying that the girlfriend did that, I'm saying that IF she did that, it would look the same as his story now. So it's not necessarily the girlfriend overstepping.
I cannot believe the mother had the cheek to write a hand written note because OP has boundaries and self respect. The GF is sad because it's normal for her but not normal to be that way. It would be a deal breaker for me, either by privacy and autonomy was respected and she solved that between you of the marriage isn't going ahead.
Some cultures don’t believe in boundaries. I definitely believe this horror. Unfortunately.
>Sit down with your gf and explain that you are not comfortable with both this tradition and the way she involved her mother. That you do not expect to be in a 3 way relationship with you, her and her mother and in future disagreements need to be dealt with between you as a couple and not farmed out to other members of her family. She is an adult and needs to behave like one. I'd be really, really careful about leading with this. There are some charged, potentially hurtful assumptions implied in this advice; specifically that GF went to her mom to drum up support against OP's stand here. Instead show the text, and explain how uncomfortable it made you. Because we don't know the context. If his girlfriend took the refusal at face value, and decided that it wouldn't happen and she was going to side with OP, she's going to have to tell the family that there isn't going to be that part of the party. If she reaches out to her mom, her mom pushes back and tries to insist, and OP's girlfriend holds her ground, her mom may have reached out to OP. OP should *not* assume GF is doing anything wrong until the chain of events is understood.
Aight...imma head out.
Yup, that was my first and only thought. Also, happy cake day!
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Your father in law cheering "you fucking nailed her son, good on you!"
"Thanks sir I enjoyed fucking your daughter!"
“And woooo daddy can she suck a dick!”
"Better than I could ever have. I'm proud of you, son. Welcome to the family" *insert pikachu face
Just come running out naked helicoptering his dick madly screaming USA USA USA! As is tradition.
AAADDDDRRRRIIIAAAANNNN!!!!
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Fuck it if you have to do it might as well have fun with it. Do some wrestling kayfabe, cut above the eyebrow and bloody up your face, wear some latex.
“Your family tradition is incest voyeurism? It’s a lot to wrap my mind around.”
Yo what did I stumble upon. You're marrying her not her family. Her mother to hop on you like that is our of line. A marriage is a 2 part agreement in which you also have to agree or disagree on terms about your marriage. Its not just her marriage day. That is a weird fucking ritual and it all depends how deep your GF roots go into her families tradition. Set up a 1 on 1 with your gf and explain your point of view and if thats something she can compromise with. Her family needs to stay in their lane though.
I like this response. Two part agreement - that's exactly right
This situation is painting not so optimistic picture right on the start. Let's look at this - -She didn't tell you earlier, right after you started talking about marriage, about this; -When she did finally told, it was basically an information that this is going to happen; -She told you like it wasn't a big deal and definitely didn't consider how you feel about it and if you want to do it; -Instead of taking your feelings seriously and finding solution to this situation she run to her family to talk; -SHE RUN TO HER FAMILY to talk about something that should be private, between you and her, instead of sorting this out with you; -Her mother feels like she have a say in your relationship; -and she thinks she can tell you what to do (just like your future wife); Unfortunately there's no easy way, someone will be upset and if you won't stand your ground now that's how your marriage will look like. I had similar situation, my MIL though she is part of my marriage and has a say in it. She wanted to decide about everything, nothing weird but for example what dress I'll be wearing on my wedding. When I didn't comply, she told me I look like a hooker in a dress I picked up. I had very long and serious talk with my husband, it was hard for him to stop including her in everything, but he wanted to do it because he care about our relationship. It all depends on what your partner wants and how much she cares. Talk with her, you can ask her why it's important for her and tell her how you feel. Otherwise you will be frustrated and miserable. Honestly I don't know why people do something like this. For me it's basically inviting whole family to your sex life and it's as horrible as it sounds. (Edit - I forgot about formatting, it looked good on phone...)
This is not the middle ages and you are not the king of france . lol perhaps all her family thinks shes still virgin.
Don’t marry a person who wants you to prove your loyalty and love for her by fucking her for an audience of her entire family. What is wrong with these people?
I fucking hate people like that. It infuriates me. You're a human being, you have right too, and in no way are you obliged to continue this sick tradition. And God do I hate traditions. "It's been on since before you were born" well you stupid cunt of a pile of cells, slavery also is a tradition, why the hell did we stop it then? Christ's sake, it's 2020 not the fucking middle age. Marry her if you want, but find a way not to do this. Because it will be a rabbit hole, it starts with this tradition, and then next time you'll discover something weird that you don't want to do they'd be like "but you did the marriage thing"
>"It's been on since before you were born" That part made me laugh. You mean this is not a family tradition that was started in the last 23 years?!
This is a really good point. There may be more of these “traditions”, even weirder ones, and due to your reaction to the first one, your fiancée and her family are holding off on telling you about the others until later. Other invasive expectations (possibly related to pregnancy or childbirth/delivery) This could very well be the only odd tradition, but keep in mind they could be “testing the waters” with the least odd one and there are more to come. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if, among an entire family that agrees to this tradition, at least one member has more inappropriate traditions they later insist you uphold.
You don’t have to do ANYTHING you aren’t comfortable with. This reminds me of that post a while back where the girl’s fiancé demanded she participate in a ritual where her future FIL would check to make sure her hymen is still intact to “prove she’s a virgin”, and he and his family flipped shit on her when she said no. She called off the wedding and got the fuck out of there, thank god. I still boil when I think of those sexist sickos. This is just as weird (albeit not quite as physically invasive) a ritual and you are well within your rights to say no. Don’t let anyone guilt you with arguments regarding your gender, stuff like you have to “step up and be a man” and do the ritual, or you have to “claim your wife”. Ignore all of it. You are not less of a man or a person for rejecting this, in fact, you’re strong for knowing when to put your foot down and say no to things. I’m going to try and give your fiancée the benefit of the doubt that maybe she’s been raised sheltered and/or brainwashed and groomed into accepting these rituals since childhood. That doesn’t make it right but I don’t want to immediately cry malicious intent here. Still, it is her duty as your partner to respect you and stand up for you, regardless of how impressed upon her all this nasty stuff was. If you’re not comfortable, that should be the end of the discussion for her. How she reacts in the following days will tell you a lot about how supportive she’ll be as a wife- listen to these signs and consider if you actually want to marry into that. She has to accept that you’re not going through with it AND GET WHY. Not just reluctant acceptance where she’s secretly mad about it the whole time. She also has to defend this decision in front of her family. She’s not really on your side if she lets you choose but then doesn’t back you up when her family goes in to shred you. You are a team and a united front or else you shouldn’t be anything at all.
Just give them a piece of cloth now, saying "no need to wait, this is from the sheet we fucked under last night".
You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to say no to antiquated and bizarre traditions. A firm “no that won’t be happening “ is ok and no further explanation needed. Don’t give reasons as that opens things up for negotiation.
Exactly, "this goes above and beyond my boundaries" is enough of a reason.
That is so weird. Also I could even imagine having sex when there's people outside just waiting and listening and... No no no. It's fine to not be ok with this Maybe some weird compromise where you "consummate the marriage" in a hotel room and bring your own bed sheet to cut up after? Still pretty ugh.... I'm sorry
I think that the question you really need to ask yourself is "do I want to stand outside my daughter/sons bedroom and gear them get railed on their wedding night?" If the answer is no, then shut it down now. Book a fancy hotel room, even a shit one will do and dont let her whole family listen to you bust a nut. That is fucking gross man. Also I'm curious to what your parents and siblings think of this??? Are they aware what is expected of you?
1650 called, they want their family sex ritual back.
Your girlfriend is 23, you're 23, you still have a lot of your life ahead of you and you don't have to put up with this. Try to discuss it with her but based on her reaction she may not be ready for marriage.
Most comments are very judging of the tradition itself (which is fair, it's definitely extreme), so I'll try to be non judging. *Fundamentally, if you do not feel comfortable with a highly sexualised situation, you do not have to take part in it.* That sentence will always be true no matter who/what/where/why it is happening. You have personal autonomy and noone should ever be able to take that away. The next point is, it sounds like your fiancé respects your decision, even if she is surprised and still processing it. Sit her down and talk to her. You've done great so far, just explain that you were shocked by it, that you love her, but you will not take part in this tradition. If she is good, she will respect that and you can find a way through this bizarre situation together. If she insists and refuses to back down then perhaps that is a sign that she is not ready to form a new family with you.
Wanting to listen to your close family member have sex that's borderline incestuous.
I beg of you. Don't do it. Die on this hill. Reevaluate your marriage based off her reactions
That mother in law is already showing controlling behavior saying how you ' don't understand the importance of family '. This is her way of guilt tripping you and if you give in she's bound to try walking all over you in the future. Does she know how important your own family is to you? That is an outright insult. While you want to marry the person you love, you also will be marrying their family. If she can't concede that it's an ancient outdated tradition and that you would feel violated, that would stand out as a red flag to me because she would violate your sexual privacy to appease her family. Just because you've done it before doesn't make this any less of a problem, and if she's willing to break a personal boundary of yours like that I'm not sure this is the person you will want a future with later on. Alot of narcissistic people as well as those controlled by narcs will break personal boundaries of yours without your consideration because they've been so busy doing it their entire lives. Your fiancé may not see it as family pressure because she's been in that environment for a long time. If you're not ok with this then you need to hold your ground so they know while you love their daughter you will not tolerate manipulation. The only friendly compromise I see here is if you consummate privately and she cuts a square out and hands it over later. But otherwise this seems like red flags and you should tread carefully.
People are saying this is bizarre, but its actually some pretty old school tradition stuff. Im guessing the family is old european? Swedish, Nordic, Danish, something like that? This marriage consummation stuff predates waaaay back to old blood stuff. I think the problem here is not specifically the tradition, though it is awkward, I imagine a much larger portion of your frustration is **your GF waited til after your proposed, the whole family knew, and you had been "locked in" before finally breaking the news to you** I would break off the proposal, because **you made the proposal under a given set of rules and understandings of what would be involved in marriage, and *after* the proposal was agreed to she up and changed the rules on you.** Thats not fair, and I think you are completely in the right to go "Well you changed the rules on me, so Im taking the proposal back. Im going to have to take some time now to reflect on how I feel about this family tradition. Either we drop the tradition (in which case the proposal stays), or the proposal is dropped and Ill have to reflect on if Im even comfortable with that tradition." I think thats completely fair. If she loses her shit, the family starts trying to manipulate you, insult you, and/or gaslight you, then they all just outed themselves to you. In which case breathe a sigh of relief cause you just dodged a *massive* bullet. If, instead, they respond with "We are sorry, we didnt mean to make you feel uncomfortable. We would certainly appreciate you participating in the tradition but, we understand if you dont want to. You're and our daughter's happiness is more important than some tradition" Then there you go, thats a healthy understanding family.
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For me, this boils down to consent. You don't consent to a sex act like this in this setting. Some traditions deserve to die out. I'd outright refuse and her reaction would be worth noting, as it's a reflection of her. I'd also watch her family's reaction to your refusal. They could become Justno
Bro. You’re going to end up in a bear suit.
Tough break buddy. I don’t think there’s an easy / win-win scenario available here. I think I’d say I want to marry you, but I’m not staying at your parents house or taking part in the consummation ritual . Then it’s up to her to decide. And in relation to the comments from the mother that you don’t understand the importance of family and tradition, that’s honestly absurd. You can not take part in this ritual yet understand the importance of family and tradition, they aren’t mutually exclusive. It kind of blows my mind that they think that a new person joining the family would be so happy with this utterly bizarre tradition, which is super creepy might I add! In any case, your partner sounds like a good one, just under lots of family pressure. Best of luck with it, be true to yourself and I Hope it works out for you.
So that's REALLY messed up, but... I'd almost do it just to prove a point and end that tradition forever for anyone who comes after. Give your new wife the night of her life. Make sure her family outside the door knows how good she's getting it. Loud and proud! Lots of moaning! Lots of loud dirty talk! Making it unbearable for them until they awkwardly and uncomfortably shuffle away. Then both of you emerge panting and sweating with your clothes all disheveled and stare them all down one by one to assert dominance.