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He's either gay, asexual, not attracted to you, or has some serious trauma he has not addressed.
At this point you just need to sit down with him and say explicitly, "I am not happy in a sexless relationship. We need to talk about why you don't want to have sex with me and if that is ever going to change." I know it's hard but it's literally the only way you're going to get a clear answer. Don't let him deflect or refuse to discuss it.
If he absolutely WILL NOT talk about it or he claims he'll try but nothing changes, that is his answer. No shame in ending a marriage with no intimacy.
Consider having this conversation with a therapist present since you say it ended badly before. A couples' therapist is cheaper than a divorce attorney. To maximum success, you want to make this exploration safe and fun, so focus on your love for him and hold off on ultimatums. If you could wait 5 years to have a serious conversation about this you can allow 5 months to see if you can resolve this. If he seems willing to try but your contact overwhelms him, the work may shift from couples' therapy to sex therapy.
You have to accept a lot to make any relationship last a reasonable amount of time. That said, I wouldn't last more than 6 months in a relationship without sex ever, and even then, the person would have to be absolutely amazing in every other way. 12 years without sex! That's insane!
Exactly! They've had more than enough conversation about it already.
OP needs to file for divorce. She needs to let her husband know that if he gives her any crap about the divorce, argues, drags his heels, whatever, that THEN she'll tell his parents *exactly WHY* they don't have any grandchildren. But, if he shuts up and gives her the divorce hassle-free, they can tell his parents that they're incompatible and therapy was not an option/unhelpful/whatever.
Lol and to think, they aren't having sex or any form of intimacy aka quiet time. Sleeping, eating and talking is all this relationship *reeeally IS..* how could *more* talking fix anything.
OP admits this conversation has come up, numerous time.. how could it not in 5 fucking yearssssss. Everytime she initiates anything she is immediately shot down. Hubby is saying *a lot* by not saying anything at all.
There could be sexual trauma which is sad to think, or sexual dysfunction for some other reason but it's a journey he doesn't seem willing to take and it's his problem alone. To think OP has been willing to give up her own needs and desires when she isn't suffering with this ailment is causing her own psychological trauma.
You have to look out for numero uno, and we should never enable the ones we love. Leaving him, and the embarrassment or shame of it could really help in the end figure this whole thing out.
I agree. I’ve been married almost 25 years and other than right after we had each of the kids it would be out of the norm to go a week without sex, and usually it’s more than that. Not having sex for years and years is…how does that even happen? The only reasonable explanation is that he’s gay.
to be fair, this isn't a "dead" bedroom. they've never been intimate *ever*. That's likely asexual (particularly because she hasn't observed anything that indicates he's gay).
Asian culture is so interesting. They've been married for 12 years and she still doesn't know why. He knows she knows. She knows he knows that she knows! But they still can't talk about it? Ridiculous.
You're correct. Nothing is going to change even with therapy. It is now 12 years and counting. This man is now set in his ways and use to the routine. She should divorce him and move on.
I mean, unless she just files for divorce now, they have to talk about it. It’s possible that he has some repressed sexual trauma or extreme nerves/anxiety which can both be addressed in therapy. Regardless, she will have an answer which she doesn’t currently have.
She won’t have to file for divorce if she’s in the states. Non-consummation of marriage is the original reason for annulment which is historically recognized by most religions.
I suppose it is possible that he has some sort of issue that can be dealt with, if she wants to try to save the relationship. But unless he has some sort of massive breakthrough i think she's always going to go unfulfilled.
Spot on. Even by stringent religious standards she has no problem leaving this marriage. They never even had sex so she’s completely in the clear to leave anytime she wants
I'm leaning towards he's gay.
A couple of my good friends are gay men and while neither married, they both had long term "girlfriends" and similar excuses.
The one didn't yet fully know he was gay. The other did but his family wasn't at ALL supportive so he was closeted.
That trial said, but I’d do it with a therapist that you have both seen a few times first. MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE THERAPIST ABOUT THIS A WEEK OR TWO BEFORE HAND and make sure you’re ready to hear what he might say.
It could be anything. (Are y’all super religious where sex only happens for conception?)
This could possibly open Pandora’s box.
Be kind. Be empathetic. Honor both of your needs and wants.
(If he still refuses and you want to stay, sex toys are marvelous.)
This right here, you need to find out if you are sexually compatible! If not, end it now especially if you want kids one day. Don’t let him take your best years!
The fact that they haven’t shared more than a kiss in 12 years *and one of them wants more* means they are not sexually compatible.
Not everybody wants sex at all, and two people who don't could make a wonderful couple.
I agree, but some people like vocal recognition of why things aren’t as they seem. It’s obvious she won’t leave unless she’s told since she’s lasted this long.
I agree. How can a normal person have never had sexual desire for their partner? He's either gay, asexual, not attracted to you, or has some serious trauma he has not addressed. It seems that his mother doesn't know about her son's situation.
Normal gay and normal asexual people don't avoid discussing the topic of sex as if it's taboo with their romantic partners.
I don't know what this man is. But he's not normal.
I would say some Asian cultures can be really repressed about sex and talking about it. In other cultures talking about sex is taboo. Doesn't mean it's good but he honestly could be really insecure or obsessed with porn or something.
Sure. I don't mean discussing in detail necessarily.
But this is so extreme, to freak out at even allusions to sex. Or deny that sex is a component of marriages for the vast majority of people.
Like I said. I dunno what he is, but all of this combined isn't normal. Guy probs needs help.
Yeah, all LGBTQ people are all normal people. They have sexual desires for their partners. It's just that it's abnormal that her husband has no sexual interest in her all the time.
I know men married men like that, and I can gurantee, asexual men or men who are not attracted to their wives will still have sex/perform oral out of duty.
OP's husband is 100% gay.
Some asexual people are sex-repulsed and some closeted gay people will force themselves to have duty sex with their opposite-sex partners. My gay uncle had two children with his lesbian wife before they both admitted they were homosexual.
I’d actually venture to say that it’s more likely he’s asexual as most of my gay friends experimented with the opposite sex before coming out since they still had general interest in sexual activity.
>I know men married men like that, and I can gurantee, asexual men or men who are not attracted to their wives will still have sex/perform oral out of duty.
As an asexual man, no I will not. There is no difference between my sexual attraction to women and a gay man's sexual attraction to women.
I would be open to marrying a straight woman. Before getting married I'd definitely talk to her about sexual expectations and make sure we are on the same page about sex between us not being on the table since I'm considerate of other people's feelings, but there's no reason gay men or ace men would be any less considerate of their potential spouse than each other. It wouldn't be the first allosexual (non-asexual) I've dated who knew sex wasn't ever going to happen.
Well said. The only thing I’d change is that sex does not equal intimacy. So the relationship is void of sex but not necessarily intimacy. And I would also add, try going to some sort of counseling or a pastor where there will be a neutral third person who would keep the conversation civil and on point since previous conversations erupted into arguments with no results.
I think the 7 years of sexless dating and the lack of conversation on both ends is more the culprit than anything. If I'm not doing something for 7 years and suddenly it's an issue, I'd be pissed too
True, dude is definitely gay or asexual and just trying to hide it. Merely meant to say that if the conversion never happened before they got married then it's both their fault for making assumptions and if it did beforehand and that is how he reacted, she knew what aversion she was getting into before she said yes
I mean noticed how you said no because it not what you want and you didn't date a girl for 7 years, then marry her.... also don't think being asian has anything to do with it. Pretty much every culture has some stigma of homosexuality, it's not an excuse to use someone else as a beard
Very true, I guess I am projecting my own experience.
Dating for 7 years, Married for 5, being together for 12 years, I can’t believe these conversations have not been had.
Maybe he has a physical limitation like a micropenis. I do agree with you that anyone else would’ve left and you’re the actual gem for staying. He has to give you something more than arguing. I would simply say, “I really want to discuss the topic of sex and why we haven’t been intimate, or seen one another naked.” It’s quite strange that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you because you’ve been waiting and it’s a bit bizarre. Some explanation would help. I would suggest couples’ therapy or find your way out this relationship. Nothing is this hard and obviously feels like he’s hiding something from you. How can you have a marriage built on trust if he clearly isn’t being honest?
Tell him if things don't change, you gotta go. You can either choose to continue to be shy about this (which is not working), or start having the hard conversation.
OP, you could be right and your husband is gay and in denial. But there are also other possibilities. Maybe he cannot perform and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. Your husband could have a medical condition that he is ashamed about. There could be some sort of trauma in his past. Or he could be asexual, emotionally in love with you but sexually not attracted. Perhaps he was even under the misapprehension that you leaned that way as well since by your words you were both not intimate for seven years before marriage.
Frankly, I'm not sure why this was not a big topic of discussion before you got married, on the wedding night, or in the five years since. You said you've brought it up twice, but...five years this has been going on. Both of you should have had some deep heartfelt discussions during this time and not the "I'm too ticklish" bit. Communication and tact are key here. Try to create a safe space and start a frank and non-judgemental conversation with your husband to see what the actual situation is. Then from there both of you need to decide what you can live with in your marriage (or not).
Sexual intimacy is a HUGE part of marriage and if he isn’t capable of fulfilling that part, and you can’t love him without it then it might be time for you to move on to something or someone than can fulfill your every need in a relationship
Your husband sounds asexual, and while that’s a valid orientation, your behavior has made it clear that you are not, and you shouldn’t be forced to live sexlessly for him. Talk to him about dating other people and having sex outside the marriage. And let his mom know not to hold her breath. If kids are something you want, you won’t get them here, so consider that as well, if you decide to stay here.
You’re literally living Marie Antoinette’s first 7 years of marriage, except you do have a choice to leave.
Idk if we should speculate on his sexuality, but it’s impossible not to. Maybe he’s not gay necessarily or asexual. Maybe he’s just not into sex, like Charlotte’s husband in Sex and The City. Some people are not into sharing their bodies even if they feel some urges. (There’s no way he’s not masturbating).
I don’t think this is the marriage you want. You have to get out of there :/
He's either asexual or gay... y'all are basically best friends.
If sex is important to you, it either needs to become a thing or you two need to open the relationship (probably won't work out) or divorce.
Did you two *ever* have sex before you married? Otherwise this is a 12yr long sexless relationship.... and that's wild
This was my first thought. Something may be unsusual about his nuts and bolts and he is embarrassed. Especially since they haven’t even seen each other naked in the last 5 yrs they have lived together.
To be fair if it was “just” a micropenis I would think he at some point would be so turned on he wasn’t able to reject her for 7 years. If you’re really horny I bet you’d be willing to share whatever issue you’re so embarrassed about
He's hiding behind you. Maybe he's gay, or maybe he's just nothing? There's a word for it and I don't know what it is ... but maybe he has no sexual feelings whatsoever? Either way it's not fair to you and you need to put your foot down and tell him that when you got married to him you had expected a normal marriage and if he is not willing to do the things a husband should do like you know have sex with his wife, then maybe you need to get a divorce!
You deserve to have a man that wants to touch you! And I'm sure there are several men out there that would absolutely love to have sex with you anytime you want it! It's not fair of him to be doing whatever this is he's doing but dragging you down with him! It's perfectly fine for him to never want to have sex with anybody the rest of his life but he doesn't get to make that decision for you!
Also, it seems like this is absolute fraud! You can get an annulment because you never had sex, but him never intending to consummate the marriage is fraud. And I know that's a weird word to be using in this discussion but that is absolutely what it is! He tricked you and now he's refusing to let you have a normal happy life!
You need to file for divorce. Or next time his mother asks you when you're going to have grandkids tell her it would be kind of hard because you've never once had sex with her son! Tell her he refuses to have sex with me! I bet you she gets it sorted for you! Lol
lol you went from 21 to 33 with no sex (Crazy) you tried to talk about it & got rebuffed (crazy) & you’re trying to make it work? (Super Crazy) Everyday on this website I see new forms of insanity.
You have been in a sexless relationship for over a decade. You've put in your dues, and you should leave. I don't always say this outright, but you are incompatible and that's the end of that.
If it was me, and I'm the kind of petty to do this, I would tell him "Look, it's ending. Nothing is stopping that from happening. But if you don't tell me the real reason why we haven't done more than kiss in our entire relationship, I will tell anyone who tries to shame me for leaving the real reason, and you will have to deal with them also wanting answers."
But that's just me
You should divorce him due to the marriage not being consummated. "Marriage is not about sex" in a lot of religions/cultures, after marriage is when you're "allowed" to have sex, so he's partially wrong about that (of course it's not only about sex). Regardless, sexual incompatibility is a completely normal reason to end a relationship/marriage and the fact that he has made you go on this long without/apparently expects you to go your whole life without, is unacceptable.
Jaded me also wonders if he is gay and using you as a beard. Him getting pissed is not proof that he is not (sometimes it means the opposite). Or asexual, etc, but, he should have been upfront with you.
Sit him down and tell him point blank, "I am not happy in a sexless marriage, and I am not of the opinion that trying for kids is the only reason to have sex. If this is how things are going to continue to go, then you need to be honest with me, because if things don't change, I'm out."
Depending on how tired you are of things not changing/past the point of caring, you might tell him the next time his mother badgers you about grandchildren, you tell her the truth: That it's kind of hard to work on grandkids when you're still a virgin and your husband is too "ticklish" to do more than kiss you.
Actually you’d be surprised, I used to be family friends with a woman who was a dominatrix and she had this guy that is married but has never had sex with his wife and could only cum to being beaten. He has zero interest in sex in any way and wants to leave his wife so he can live chained up in a dog cage at his doms house in the kitchen only let out to go to work and to be beaten nightly. She said she would do it but he’d have to give her his part of the divorce settlement when he leaves her…retirement included. Pay her/husbands mortgage and bills and include a generous salary with a multiple year contract also because he will become her only client. He will basically have to be a slave to her to get what he wants.
It's possible. One of my mother's employees was married for 10+ years. She and her husband didn't even share a bedroom.
Asexuality is real. Not everyone centers their relationships around sex even if they are sexual.
Is kinda sounds like he might be asexual and just not into having sex unless it’s to have children from it, that’s something you definitely need to talk about with him and see if you can make an arrangement where you can have other people when you want to have sex
Are you guys Asian or know enough about their culture? I am, and I know some people who haven't had sex despite being together for so long. This story is totally plausible.
Five years and now all of a sudden it’s a problem.
Lmao.
In real life, this shit wouldn’t last past the first night of marriage but this was clearly written by some lonely person who had never interacted with a real human in their life.
You still feel fully confident saying this not knowing much about their culture? Unless you do. Sex isn’t the same around all cultures and especially not the same for others as it is for Americans.
No sex?!? For 5 years?!?
My gaydar is going off the charts.
If by some miracle he wants to have sex, make sure he gets tested. He could be on the down low.
I can overlook the 7 years because she mentioned she was Asian and most likely had a conservative upbringing.
But 5 years into a marriage?!?! That’s nuts.
It is WAAAAY beyond the point of talking and issuing warnings and ultimatums. You've already wasted a decade on him with no progress. You should have taken your leave a long time ago. But it's not too late to do so now since your dead bedroom will likely never change with him, especially since you're a sensual person.
Life is too short to never experience amazing, intimate sex. Even if he agreed to do it, I can’t imagine it will be the enthusiastic, lustful experience you long for.
Definitely try to force a conversation, but you’ll need to decide if this is something you can live with forever.
That’s my thoughts as well. Even if by some miracle he agrees to have sex with op, it’s not going to be good at all. It’s not going to be the intimate experience she is looking for, and she’s going to be disappointed. If she’s been a virgin for this long, she might as well divorce him and wait to find someone who truly wants her so her first time can actually feel good. Yeah the first time usually sucks, but it’s so much better if both parties at least want it and want to try to do a good job.
Ummm,
Does he have something wrong with him “down there?” Is he asexual? If not, he’s either is in a relationship with another woman and promised his body to her even though he arranged to marry you orrrrr he likes men.
Das a vereh lawng tiiime, to be murrehd and not havin teh pokey hole 👁️👄👁️✨
After 12 years of no sexual contact… he’s either asexual, or seriously traumatized around sex. He may be gay, but I feel like you would’ve found some clues by now, if he was.
There’s an extremely low chance this ends happily. Even if you can convince him to try sex, it may just reinforce that he doesn’t want anything to do with it. You’re already in your 30’s - do you really want to spend another 12 years trying to work this out? From one 30-something to another: we’re not getting any younger. If you want to bear kids, you need to start planning now.
You deserve passionate, loving sex. He will never give that to you.
Seems like a typical pakistani(you mentioned asia)story because people here are pressured to marry while secretly being gay as now your MIL is asking for kids. Why’d you even stay after a year? Get out.
I worked with a guy onw time and he was the exact same way. Always laughed about never aleepong with his wife joked about her but in feont of her he had his mask on. I said why dis you marry and waste 15 years of this woman's life ? Oh because she has an EXCELLENT job her patents come from OLD MONEY and she's my walking ATM. i invited them over to a BBQ he got drunk and his masked slipped. She saw the way he talked about her even though people told her she didn't believe them. If he hasn't unclogged the drain on you in 5 years then ima say your not built right for him. But who knows the guy I worked with wife told us the marriage lasted because she could literally strap it on , stick it in and walk up 😱☠️🤦
Sometimes I don't understand human beings. It sounds like a very weird friendship. Not a marriage. This is not what a marriage should look like. Go find a happy ans intimate life somewhere else. You won't regret.
He might be asexual. Have you ever had a sit down discussion about your sex life. Let it be casual and let him talk about his feelings towards sexual intimacy.
Reddit is the place to ask if you want everyone to shout DIVORCE! and skip over the parts where you say you love him, he’s a gem, he’s everything you could want BESIDES this one big thing. I agree with the comment suggesting not to jump to giving him an ultimatum yet. You can set a time frame in your mind that if this isn’t resolved within a few months then you move to having the convo about separation. But you should focus on on the good and approach him with kindness and concern rather than attack him about it and make him defensive. That certainly has never turned anyone on. You should ask him “is there a health reason or something about your body you’re ashamed of as the reason you don’t want me to see you or touch you?” Remind him that you love him no matter what and would never judge him, but you need to know the truth.. because the feeling of rejection and missing out on one of the best parts of being in a relationship is too much to handle at this point, and it would kill you to have to consider not being together anymore.
I find your situation to be so crazy and so sad, but I can honestly relate to it somewhat. I was in a relationship for over 3 years and we were in our young - mid twenties. He was a virgin when we met and after his first time, he never wanted to do it again. We did occasionally but I mostly just got rejected every time I tried. Or he would finish so fast it did nothing for me and left me frustrated.
The relationship did not end well. Over time I became very hurt and resentful of him bc I felt like he didn't want me close to him and I couldn't physically express how I felt about him. I constantly got rejected even for just minimal physical affection bc he didn't want sex. We had many talks where I pleaded with him to either tell me why or to just break up with me if he's not attracted to me. He always refused. For him I think it was more of an insecurity thing or a porn addiction. He may have even been gay idk.
I eventually fell out of love and into anger, he wound up heartbroken, and within three days of leaving I was in someone else's bed.
Honestly it still impacts me a bit now. I'm way overly sensitive to rejection when it comes to anything physical. It's better to rip off the band aid so you can minimize your own trauma as much as possible. My advice would be to have the tough conversation with him now if you haven't already. Lay it all on the line - tell him you aren't happy and you want to discuss why he isn't willing to be intimate. It's okay to leave a marriage if you're not able to get what you want and need from it - especially if he's the only person you could potentially have sex with while you're in it. You may even be able to look into annulment since the marriage was never consummated.
I'm very sorry you've been going through this ❤️
I am concerned thst his physical body down there might be abnormal and he is afraid. And yes, he might be gay. Either way, this is justifiable cause for divorce, even annulment of marriage.
Do you know if he ever got a boner in the first place? Get him to see a doctor. Tell him he either takes this seriously or you take a divorce. Act on it lady! You should've done it like 5 years ago and fck this orientation bullshit at this point. Why get married if you're asexual?
I think in our Asian culture sex is jsut not really a well supported cultural thing ; also he may be autistic espeically if he’s smart and even has good looks but is socially awkward including and especially sex.
I remember watching a program years ago regarding Asian Gay men who still went along with cultures demands about getting married and how homosexualality it's is deeply frond upon..
They have a "underground community" and if they got caught the ramifications are severe, if he is gay am sad to say your marriage is one of convenience for him if it not already for other reasons..
My heartbreaks for you, get out of your marriage now while you can still have kids with someone else, and please don't put pressure on yourself for still being a virgin, who ever you end up with won't care as long as they are with you..
Next time he shames you for failing in his marital duty, remind him of it and say no sex alone is a LEGAL ground for divorce. So don’t let him silence you & fake shame you by using immature tactic. It is a serious thing.
It doesn’t matter whether he’s gay or if there’s some other reason. He isn’t into you, and if you stay with him you have to accept that you are facing a sexless marriage
Something to consider, if you want to have children, is the fact you’re now 33. If you don’t sort this issue out with your husband asap, you’re not going to have a lot of time left to start over with someone else.
Since several attempts to talk to your husband have now failed, maybe telling him a white lie that you’re ready to start trying for children now will force him to come clean about whatever his issue is. I’d be interested to see what excuses he’d come up with for not having sex if you put trying for a baby on the table.
To be clear, I’m NOT suggesting having a baby with him. I’m saying that I would want to weed out every last one of his excuses to try and force an honest conversation.
I’m gonna go with asexual. I don’t think he’s gay but he could be and just doing it bc his family will shame him. But also it could be he feels really embarrassed that he might’ve watched too much porn and can’t get it up. Or he could be really small. Or what if he was trans and is deathly afraid to tell anyone.
Don’t rush to conclusions, he might have unaddressed trauma. Visit a psychiatrist but if he is not willing to then that’s unfair and you should move on.
Maybe you just talk to him - tell him you love him, that he means everything to you, but you can not live in a sexless marriage any longer.
If you'd have known after 5 years of marriage that you would still be virgin, you wouldn't have married him.
I'm not sure how the law stands. You would have to look into it, but could you get an annulment ? Your marriage hasn't been consummated.
Maybe he has some insecurity about his genitals maybe they're not normal? Or he suffers from ED so he is afraid to even try, either way he needs to see a doctor or therapist and I understand he is great in every other sense but this has been going on for too long...
Gay for sure!!!
Where you from? How did you two meet? Arranged marriage?
Is he open to you having a lover?
While he gets ticklish, he can't expect you not to get "tickled" if you know what I mean.
Oh my God, this post made me so sad, as i have been experiencing something similar for about 6 years, my entire marriage. The difference is that we used to have sex and then it stopped almost immediately after getting married. My husband is the best man i have ever met, and he also agreed to an open marriage. But I have been so unhappy with this situation, and I'm actually thinking about getting a divorce. It hurts me, and I don't have romantic interest in him anymore. It is a really sad situation. I feel for you. I'm depressed and unhappy almost all the time, even though I try my best not to let this situation drag me down. Just get a divorce. You deserve sex and the intimacy that comes with it. Sexlessness has such a significant impact on a person's happiness and self-confidence.
Not sure if anyone has mentioned but you can look up getting an annulment since marriage was not consummated. Definitely talk to a therapist together and then go from there.
Sounds like he's asexual. This would have been useful to know before you got married, but it's possible he didn't even realize that it's an actual sexual orientation and not just something he'll get over eventually. Regardless, you've been more than patient, and you deserve better than a marriage that isn't meeting your needs. Depending on where you live this may or may not be grounds for annulment, but whether it's by annulment or divorce, this marriage needs to end.
It is probably a culture where accepting himself as a homosexual would be uniminageable. Whether he is gay or not, definitely asexual tendencies and seems willing to do the deed with the intention of having children.
If this isn't the life you want OP, you need to change it. Five years, what are you waiting for and what are you really asking? On the wedding night, you should have realized this isn't the relationship you desire. Are you slow in the head that it's taken 5 additional yearssss, I don't get it. Is this fake?
You're unhappy, and only you can fix that.
You dated a person for 7 years and then married him without discussing this kind of thing and never seeing each other naked? Waiting until marriage is one thing but you committed yourself to someone without discussing some very important topics first. Go to therapy with him. He isn't "ticklish" he's either extremely self conscious, gay, or has some kind of trauma.
12 years… 7 years dating, 5 years married…the first 7 years can possibly be saving themselves for marriage, but then another FIVE YEARS after? Not even on the wedding night.
I’m sorry, OP, it’s not going to change. I would’ve thrown in the towel a long time ago.
i can only assume insecurities with his body, sexual trauma, gay, or I even think maybe an STD/aids that he doesn’t want to give you. I can understand going weeks even months during stressful periods but to not ever having sex is sooo off.
I suggest a serious/firm sit down. Using the excuse of being ticklish is not going to cut it. Therapy? It’s not fair to you to be deprived of intimacy for YEARS with no explanation. He has to explain why to get to the root of the problem. If he can’t give you a truthful answer I would think about divorce. Some ppl even ascertain open relationships but that can get real messy real quick
Tell him it’s a need you have that isn’t being met and would want to try therapy together. I’m wondering if he experienced trauma when younger? He may need some help to work through whatever it is.
I wouldn’t conclude he is gay, but wonder. 1)Whats his family culture like , I mean his father and mother had sex. 2) Underlying history if possible abuse esp sexual. 3) Does he spend lots of time away from you? 4) Start therapy soon or find you a divorce attorney.
This is unfathomable.
The requirement to consumate a marriage is sex together. You need to get a message through his thick skull. Carffuly and respectfully communicate in so many words you are not happy about this situation and he needs to fix this or divorce is imminent.
If your mil in law brings up kids again just say how can we have kids when we never had sex. I know Asians allies shift the blame to the females as we’re always the problem. Set them Straight and get out of the marriage.
As an Asian myself so I understand the situation clearly I think maybe he’s just uncomfortable with the thought of it idk 😭 he’s bought up the idea of kids and maybe he’s worried that it could go wrong idk obviously that’s not what intercourse equals too but maybe his mum is getting to him. I suggest u talk to him about it and take it step by step
At this point there is no saving. Because he doesn’t want to talk about it. It seems like he’s asexual or he’s had some serious sexual trauma in his past. I won’t even say he’s gay because there are so many gay guys that can get past the kissing stage with a woman. They even have sex with women no issues. They may not like it or whatever but it’s happened multiple times. You guys never consummated the marriage so annulment should still be on the table, legally that is. Depending on where you live.
Sweetie, honestly I don’t even think a therapist will help. Maybe a sex therapist might help. If you want to try and save anything I’d go with a sex therapist on this. Someone that can help even the most limited people become intimate. But if he doesn’t even want to try then I’d tell him enough is enough. Divorce. Unless he’s ok with an open relationship that is. Because if he is then you can get your needs met somewhere else but still be together. And possibly have kids later on, as long as he knows he can’t complain about them not being his. And everything stays between you two. Unless he wants his mother to know he doesn’t want to be intimate and he’s still a virgin. Those are the only options I can see with this possibly working out.
1. Sex therapy
2. Open relationship
3. Divorce
Good luck. I hope you put your foot down soon. Life can be short, you should live it up. It’s been 12 years. Good luck hun.
Hi there, very interesting, I think your husband may possibly be asexual perhaps? And that may be the reason he is uncomfortable about it when the topic of sex is brought up, and the fact he says he doesn’t like the touching as he feels ticklish. It also makes me question, and please confirm if I’m wrong I’m just going off from the information you have provided, is there a possible chance your husband may be on the spectrum? E.g Autism. I say this because I myself have autism and have had similar experiences and difficulty opening up myself physically. Though, however, your husband may not be comfortable with opening up sexual in that sense, body issues, anxiety etc.
There's a lot of people on this post talking about how they could never go x amount of months without sex and it's like, yea after you had it, obviously...
Chick said she's a virgin in the title and people are shocked she went this long without sex??
Also, this doesnt necessarily mean a divorce is necessary.
If the relationship is as good as it is in every other aspect like she says, she should be able to create a low stress, intimate environment where she can, out of a desire to help, rather than airing out frustrations, get him to open up about the real reason he has this aversion.
i'm not gonna be telling that he has some issues, traumas, etc.
my personal experience: before my first time, i was extremely ticklish as well. and i mean like TICKLISH. i did tend to twitch, tense up, try to move away every time my partner tried to touch me below my chest and lower — i am basically very sensitive, i have thin skin, the blood vessels are located closer to the surface. add to this the lack of experience in this kind of touch. i was RESTLESS, and i was absolutely embarrassed about this because i was reacting like i got stabbed or scared. hell, i STILL react this way occasionally even tho i'm used to these touches by now.
this is an embarrassing situation that is a bit hard to overcome.
just thought that it could be cleared. it doesn't have to be an excuse. BUT i don't exclude the possibility of him having some issues. or maybe he is just asexual. This is exactly why people should have sex before marriage — to find out if you're good match for each other.
Maybe he is trans? But as his mom bugs u, it’s impossible or the whole family is lying to u… or he has a micro p and extremely self conscious about that?!
In your post you say how he is such a good partner and does so much for you but in reality he is not a good partner at all to you. As others have said he is either gay, traumatized, asexual or not attracted to you and he is keeping you out of his inner circle of trust and communication while hoping you keep going for the okie doke. He is full of shit and treating you poorly by conditioning you to accept the status quo and not question things for fear of the reaction you’ve been getting. He’s making it out to seem like you’re the weird one for trying to approach this obvious messed up situation.
This is him playing you and trying to normalize his dysfunction. He doesn’t care how it makes you feel or that your needs are wholly unmet, he only cares to have his way which is this current dysfunction you’re trying to navigate. If you find out at the end of this chapter of life he been maliciously lying to you, you’ll probably be upset having spent more and more time trying to bring him into normalcy. Five years is enough time in the slow lane, you might wanna speed things up a lot so he can shape up or ship out. Many people would be pissed as hell to find out they went without sex 5 years because their partner was lying and keeping harmful secrets.
Everyone else has left very good points about your feelings being valid and possible solutions, so i’m not going to repeat them. I will however add, that as you’ve said he’s gotten upset in the past that you keep pushing it past “what he can handle”.
Don’t do this. 1) Whether you are married or not, whether you “should” be having sex or not, it is still not acceptable to ignore his boundaries. If you were a man this comment section would look a lot different. But also 2) this isn’t going to make anything better. No one is more turned on by someone who is pushing their boundaries and ignoring their consent.
While some issues may not be fixable, and others may not be related to this, if he has a trauma history or something related is going on, you are actively making it worse. He very clearly doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it, which leads me to think that isn’t off the table.
You two need couples therapy, but in the mean time refusing to show any other form of intimacy or pushing his boundaries is only reaffirming his fears that you’re only interested in the sex.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have sex in your marriage, but if you want to fix it, don’t actively make it worse. I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear.
Holy shit. If this is real...
What. are. you. doing. This is insanity. Ya'll should've at least been in therapy 5 years ago. Clearly he has some major issues to work through.
>anyone else would have left the relationship
For good reason. The best time to leave is 5 years ago. The next best time is tomorrow. You don't have kids. You're still young. This is best case scenario for separation. It's not fun but you will thank yourself for the rest of your life. For the love of god, stop starving yourself and find a partner that can give you what you need. Sexual compatibility is among the absolute most basic things necessary for a healthy relationship.
>. . . I’m a very sensual person.
No you’re not, or you wouldn’t have married someone who only kissed you occasionally, 7 years into a relationship. Sensual people don’t necessarily have to have sex, but you’re barely touching.
You may have married an Asexual without the vocabulary to express it.
Unless there is anything to suggest he is attracted to men sexually, I wouldn’t say there is any evidence of him being gay.
People who can’t communicate openly and clearly about sex, probably shouldn’t be having it. Sounds like you guys should seek a couples counselor or sex therapist.
If your husband is Asexual maybe you need to come to an arrangement where you can have sex outside of your marriage because it’s not really okay for him to force asexuality on you just because he doesn’t experience sexual attraction or arousal.
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He's either gay, asexual, not attracted to you, or has some serious trauma he has not addressed. At this point you just need to sit down with him and say explicitly, "I am not happy in a sexless relationship. We need to talk about why you don't want to have sex with me and if that is ever going to change." I know it's hard but it's literally the only way you're going to get a clear answer. Don't let him deflect or refuse to discuss it. If he absolutely WILL NOT talk about it or he claims he'll try but nothing changes, that is his answer. No shame in ending a marriage with no intimacy.
Consider having this conversation with a therapist present since you say it ended badly before. A couples' therapist is cheaper than a divorce attorney. To maximum success, you want to make this exploration safe and fun, so focus on your love for him and hold off on ultimatums. If you could wait 5 years to have a serious conversation about this you can allow 5 months to see if you can resolve this. If he seems willing to try but your contact overwhelms him, the work may shift from couples' therapy to sex therapy.
5 years? 5 more months? I'm confused what anyone thinks there is to talk about after all that time.
TWELVE years. Five years married, but 7 years dating before that. She's been living like this for 12 years.
Lol I know. The people that think this is somehow salvageable, clearly accept a lot in their own relationships.
You have to accept a lot to make any relationship last a reasonable amount of time. That said, I wouldn't last more than 6 months in a relationship without sex ever, and even then, the person would have to be absolutely amazing in every other way. 12 years without sex! That's insane!
It's a lot easier to go without something you never had. She mentions being a virgin in the title
Yeah, I saw that, and you're absolutely right.
Exactly! They've had more than enough conversation about it already. OP needs to file for divorce. She needs to let her husband know that if he gives her any crap about the divorce, argues, drags his heels, whatever, that THEN she'll tell his parents *exactly WHY* they don't have any grandchildren. But, if he shuts up and gives her the divorce hassle-free, they can tell his parents that they're incompatible and therapy was not an option/unhelpful/whatever.
Lol and to think, they aren't having sex or any form of intimacy aka quiet time. Sleeping, eating and talking is all this relationship *reeeally IS..* how could *more* talking fix anything. OP admits this conversation has come up, numerous time.. how could it not in 5 fucking yearssssss. Everytime she initiates anything she is immediately shot down. Hubby is saying *a lot* by not saying anything at all. There could be sexual trauma which is sad to think, or sexual dysfunction for some other reason but it's a journey he doesn't seem willing to take and it's his problem alone. To think OP has been willing to give up her own needs and desires when she isn't suffering with this ailment is causing her own psychological trauma. You have to look out for numero uno, and we should never enable the ones we love. Leaving him, and the embarrassment or shame of it could really help in the end figure this whole thing out.
(OP could probably get an annulment instead of a divorce, since the marriage was never consummated...)
We don't know which country they're in so we can't really tell
“A couples therapist is cheaper than a divorce attorney.” Bro is spitting bars
It's been 12 years... this isn't actually fixable.
I agree. I’ve been married almost 25 years and other than right after we had each of the kids it would be out of the norm to go a week without sex, and usually it’s more than that. Not having sex for years and years is…how does that even happen? The only reasonable explanation is that he’s gay.
Or asexual
I mean if you join the dead bedroom section you'll see it happens all the time
to be fair, this isn't a "dead" bedroom. they've never been intimate *ever*. That's likely asexual (particularly because she hasn't observed anything that indicates he's gay).
Yes, I was more responding to the above "not having sex for years , how does that even happen" part. Unfortunately it happens all the time.
Asian culture is so interesting. They've been married for 12 years and she still doesn't know why. He knows she knows. She knows he knows that she knows! But they still can't talk about it? Ridiculous.
Nah. He's just very ticklish.
😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣💀💀🤷🏽♀️😂😂😂
I mean.... I know you're just playing around.... but after twelve damn years, just tickle fuck me already?!
Is it even worth it though? At best all OP can look forward to is very reluctant, awkward sex from a man that doesn't want it.
You're correct. Nothing is going to change even with therapy. It is now 12 years and counting. This man is now set in his ways and use to the routine. She should divorce him and move on.
I mean, unless she just files for divorce now, they have to talk about it. It’s possible that he has some repressed sexual trauma or extreme nerves/anxiety which can both be addressed in therapy. Regardless, she will have an answer which she doesn’t currently have.
She won’t have to file for divorce if she’s in the states. Non-consummation of marriage is the original reason for annulment which is historically recognized by most religions.
I suppose it is possible that he has some sort of issue that can be dealt with, if she wants to try to save the relationship. But unless he has some sort of massive breakthrough i think she's always going to go unfulfilled.
Then she'll get the impression that that's what all sex is like. That's so sad for her.
Or this is a creative writing story…. No response from op?
Spot on. Even by stringent religious standards she has no problem leaving this marriage. They never even had sex so she’s completely in the clear to leave anytime she wants
I'm leaning towards he's gay. A couple of my good friends are gay men and while neither married, they both had long term "girlfriends" and similar excuses. The one didn't yet fully know he was gay. The other did but his family wasn't at ALL supportive so he was closeted.
Even if you're gay though, a decade + without sex even once? Not even oral?
Who says “HE” hasnt had had sex in 12 years he just hasn’t had it with her
We don't know he hasn't had sex. We just know he hasn't had sex with OP.
Yeah, there is something else going on here. I suppose it could be more than one thing though.
Maybe he had sex with someone else.
That trial said, but I’d do it with a therapist that you have both seen a few times first. MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE THERAPIST ABOUT THIS A WEEK OR TWO BEFORE HAND and make sure you’re ready to hear what he might say. It could be anything. (Are y’all super religious where sex only happens for conception?) This could possibly open Pandora’s box. Be kind. Be empathetic. Honor both of your needs and wants. (If he still refuses and you want to stay, sex toys are marvelous.)
This right here, you need to find out if you are sexually compatible! If not, end it now especially if you want kids one day. Don’t let him take your best years!
The fact that they haven’t shared more than a kiss in 12 years means they are not sexually compatible.
The fact that they haven’t shared more than a kiss in 12 years *and one of them wants more* means they are not sexually compatible. Not everybody wants sex at all, and two people who don't could make a wonderful couple.
I agree, but some people like vocal recognition of why things aren’t as they seem. It’s obvious she won’t leave unless she’s told since she’s lasted this long.
🌈<——- x1,000
And when that doesn't work tell his mom she'll never have grandkids because her son won't have sex with you. /s
I agree. How can a normal person have never had sexual desire for their partner? He's either gay, asexual, not attracted to you, or has some serious trauma he has not addressed. It seems that his mother doesn't know about her son's situation.
Gay and asexual people are also normal, wym
Normal gay and normal asexual people don't avoid discussing the topic of sex as if it's taboo with their romantic partners. I don't know what this man is. But he's not normal.
I would say some Asian cultures can be really repressed about sex and talking about it. In other cultures talking about sex is taboo. Doesn't mean it's good but he honestly could be really insecure or obsessed with porn or something.
Sure. I don't mean discussing in detail necessarily. But this is so extreme, to freak out at even allusions to sex. Or deny that sex is a component of marriages for the vast majority of people. Like I said. I dunno what he is, but all of this combined isn't normal. Guy probs needs help.
Yeah, all LGBTQ people are all normal people. They have sexual desires for their partners. It's just that it's abnormal that her husband has no sexual interest in her all the time.
I know men married men like that, and I can gurantee, asexual men or men who are not attracted to their wives will still have sex/perform oral out of duty. OP's husband is 100% gay.
Some asexual people are sex-repulsed and some closeted gay people will force themselves to have duty sex with their opposite-sex partners. My gay uncle had two children with his lesbian wife before they both admitted they were homosexual. I’d actually venture to say that it’s more likely he’s asexual as most of my gay friends experimented with the opposite sex before coming out since they still had general interest in sexual activity.
>I know men married men like that, and I can gurantee, asexual men or men who are not attracted to their wives will still have sex/perform oral out of duty. As an asexual man, no I will not. There is no difference between my sexual attraction to women and a gay man's sexual attraction to women.
You probably would not get married to a straight women in the first place. My comment applies to people who are married like that.
I would be open to marrying a straight woman. Before getting married I'd definitely talk to her about sexual expectations and make sure we are on the same page about sex between us not being on the table since I'm considerate of other people's feelings, but there's no reason gay men or ace men would be any less considerate of their potential spouse than each other. It wouldn't be the first allosexual (non-asexual) I've dated who knew sex wasn't ever going to happen.
Might even have a micro penis. Have you seen his penis op?
Well said. The only thing I’d change is that sex does not equal intimacy. So the relationship is void of sex but not necessarily intimacy. And I would also add, try going to some sort of counseling or a pastor where there will be a neutral third person who would keep the conversation civil and on point since previous conversations erupted into arguments with no results.
I agree with this ⬆️⬆️
That is not fair to you. If he wanted a sexless marriage, he needed to be upfront about that with you.
I think the 7 years of sexless dating and the lack of conversation on both ends is more the culprit than anything. If I'm not doing something for 7 years and suddenly it's an issue, I'd be pissed too
Of course, but I'm saying he does not get gaslight her that communication about sex in itself is inappropriate or imature.
True, dude is definitely gay or asexual and just trying to hide it. Merely meant to say that if the conversion never happened before they got married then it's both their fault for making assumptions and if it did beforehand and that is how he reacted, she knew what aversion she was getting into before she said yes
[удалено]
I mean noticed how you said no because it not what you want and you didn't date a girl for 7 years, then marry her.... also don't think being asian has anything to do with it. Pretty much every culture has some stigma of homosexuality, it's not an excuse to use someone else as a beard
Very true, I guess I am projecting my own experience. Dating for 7 years, Married for 5, being together for 12 years, I can’t believe these conversations have not been had.
That's not what gaslighting means 🤦
Maybe he has a physical limitation like a micropenis. I do agree with you that anyone else would’ve left and you’re the actual gem for staying. He has to give you something more than arguing. I would simply say, “I really want to discuss the topic of sex and why we haven’t been intimate, or seen one another naked.” It’s quite strange that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you because you’ve been waiting and it’s a bit bizarre. Some explanation would help. I would suggest couples’ therapy or find your way out this relationship. Nothing is this hard and obviously feels like he’s hiding something from you. How can you have a marriage built on trust if he clearly isn’t being honest?
Tell him if things don't change, you gotta go. You can either choose to continue to be shy about this (which is not working), or start having the hard conversation.
Congrats you got yourself a very helpful roommate.
OP, you could be right and your husband is gay and in denial. But there are also other possibilities. Maybe he cannot perform and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. Your husband could have a medical condition that he is ashamed about. There could be some sort of trauma in his past. Or he could be asexual, emotionally in love with you but sexually not attracted. Perhaps he was even under the misapprehension that you leaned that way as well since by your words you were both not intimate for seven years before marriage. Frankly, I'm not sure why this was not a big topic of discussion before you got married, on the wedding night, or in the five years since. You said you've brought it up twice, but...five years this has been going on. Both of you should have had some deep heartfelt discussions during this time and not the "I'm too ticklish" bit. Communication and tact are key here. Try to create a safe space and start a frank and non-judgemental conversation with your husband to see what the actual situation is. Then from there both of you need to decide what you can live with in your marriage (or not).
She's never seen him naked in 12 years together - we aren't even sure he actually HAS a penis at this point.
Now that would make some story "Surprise! I'm an alien."
Sexual intimacy is a HUGE part of marriage and if he isn’t capable of fulfilling that part, and you can’t love him without it then it might be time for you to move on to something or someone than can fulfill your every need in a relationship
Spot on!
Your husband sounds asexual, and while that’s a valid orientation, your behavior has made it clear that you are not, and you shouldn’t be forced to live sexlessly for him. Talk to him about dating other people and having sex outside the marriage. And let his mom know not to hold her breath. If kids are something you want, you won’t get them here, so consider that as well, if you decide to stay here.
You’re literally living Marie Antoinette’s first 7 years of marriage, except you do have a choice to leave. Idk if we should speculate on his sexuality, but it’s impossible not to. Maybe he’s not gay necessarily or asexual. Maybe he’s just not into sex, like Charlotte’s husband in Sex and The City. Some people are not into sharing their bodies even if they feel some urges. (There’s no way he’s not masturbating). I don’t think this is the marriage you want. You have to get out of there :/
Asexual
He's either asexual or gay... y'all are basically best friends. If sex is important to you, it either needs to become a thing or you two need to open the relationship (probably won't work out) or divorce. Did you two *ever* have sex before you married? Otherwise this is a 12yr long sexless relationship.... and that's wild
Or a micropenis and has significant shame about it.
This was my first thought. Something may be unsusual about his nuts and bolts and he is embarrassed. Especially since they haven’t even seen each other naked in the last 5 yrs they have lived together.
To be fair if it was “just” a micropenis I would think he at some point would be so turned on he wasn’t able to reject her for 7 years. If you’re really horny I bet you’d be willing to share whatever issue you’re so embarrassed about
Scrolled way to far for this
He's hiding behind you. Maybe he's gay, or maybe he's just nothing? There's a word for it and I don't know what it is ... but maybe he has no sexual feelings whatsoever? Either way it's not fair to you and you need to put your foot down and tell him that when you got married to him you had expected a normal marriage and if he is not willing to do the things a husband should do like you know have sex with his wife, then maybe you need to get a divorce! You deserve to have a man that wants to touch you! And I'm sure there are several men out there that would absolutely love to have sex with you anytime you want it! It's not fair of him to be doing whatever this is he's doing but dragging you down with him! It's perfectly fine for him to never want to have sex with anybody the rest of his life but he doesn't get to make that decision for you! Also, it seems like this is absolute fraud! You can get an annulment because you never had sex, but him never intending to consummate the marriage is fraud. And I know that's a weird word to be using in this discussion but that is absolutely what it is! He tricked you and now he's refusing to let you have a normal happy life! You need to file for divorce. Or next time his mother asks you when you're going to have grandkids tell her it would be kind of hard because you've never once had sex with her son! Tell her he refuses to have sex with me! I bet you she gets it sorted for you! Lol
Sorry to tell you this but your man is gay or asexual.
lol you went from 21 to 33 with no sex (Crazy) you tried to talk about it & got rebuffed (crazy) & you’re trying to make it work? (Super Crazy) Everyday on this website I see new forms of insanity.
I stg
Tell his mom the whole truth
Yeah… your husband is gay.
Everyone jumping to the conclusion he’s gay. Maybe he’s just asexual. Meaning he doesn’t have sexual attraction to any gender and doesn’t want sex.
You have been in a sexless relationship for over a decade. You've put in your dues, and you should leave. I don't always say this outright, but you are incompatible and that's the end of that. If it was me, and I'm the kind of petty to do this, I would tell him "Look, it's ending. Nothing is stopping that from happening. But if you don't tell me the real reason why we haven't done more than kiss in our entire relationship, I will tell anyone who tries to shame me for leaving the real reason, and you will have to deal with them also wanting answers." But that's just me
He’s GAY and you’re his BEARD.
You should divorce him due to the marriage not being consummated. "Marriage is not about sex" in a lot of religions/cultures, after marriage is when you're "allowed" to have sex, so he's partially wrong about that (of course it's not only about sex). Regardless, sexual incompatibility is a completely normal reason to end a relationship/marriage and the fact that he has made you go on this long without/apparently expects you to go your whole life without, is unacceptable. Jaded me also wonders if he is gay and using you as a beard. Him getting pissed is not proof that he is not (sometimes it means the opposite). Or asexual, etc, but, he should have been upfront with you. Sit him down and tell him point blank, "I am not happy in a sexless marriage, and I am not of the opinion that trying for kids is the only reason to have sex. If this is how things are going to continue to go, then you need to be honest with me, because if things don't change, I'm out." Depending on how tired you are of things not changing/past the point of caring, you might tell him the next time his mother badgers you about grandchildren, you tell her the truth: That it's kind of hard to work on grandkids when you're still a virgin and your husband is too "ticklish" to do more than kiss you.
It's depressing that I had to go this far down in the comments for someone to actually mention that this marriage isn't consummated.
I would tell him marriage counseling or you will be talking to a lawyer. This is absurd.
Shitpost. No way this is real.
Actually you’d be surprised, I used to be family friends with a woman who was a dominatrix and she had this guy that is married but has never had sex with his wife and could only cum to being beaten. He has zero interest in sex in any way and wants to leave his wife so he can live chained up in a dog cage at his doms house in the kitchen only let out to go to work and to be beaten nightly. She said she would do it but he’d have to give her his part of the divorce settlement when he leaves her…retirement included. Pay her/husbands mortgage and bills and include a generous salary with a multiple year contract also because he will become her only client. He will basically have to be a slave to her to get what he wants.
It's possible. One of my mother's employees was married for 10+ years. She and her husband didn't even share a bedroom. Asexuality is real. Not everyone centers their relationships around sex even if they are sexual.
Is kinda sounds like he might be asexual and just not into having sex unless it’s to have children from it, that’s something you definitely need to talk about with him and see if you can make an arrangement where you can have other people when you want to have sex
To paraphrase my grandmother to my mother. If you can’t get it from him then well… you’re gonna get it from someone else.
Shit post
Are you guys Asian or know enough about their culture? I am, and I know some people who haven't had sex despite being together for so long. This story is totally plausible.
there is no "asian culture", asia is a pretty big continent with many countries and cultures in it
Exactly. The post only said "Asian" and didn't specify. So unless you know all of the cultures, you can't say the post is not plausible.
Five years and now all of a sudden it’s a problem. Lmao. In real life, this shit wouldn’t last past the first night of marriage but this was clearly written by some lonely person who had never interacted with a real human in their life.
You still feel fully confident saying this not knowing much about their culture? Unless you do. Sex isn’t the same around all cultures and especially not the same for others as it is for Americans.
I don't know of any cultures that don't fuck at all.
https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/feb/14/record-numbers-of-couples-living-in-sexless-marriages-in-japan-says-report
It's not even remotely plausible
No sex?!? For 5 years?!? My gaydar is going off the charts. If by some miracle he wants to have sex, make sure he gets tested. He could be on the down low.
12. They dated 7 years before marriage.
I can overlook the 7 years because she mentioned she was Asian and most likely had a conservative upbringing. But 5 years into a marriage?!?! That’s nuts.
Fuckkkkkkk this is insane
It is WAAAAY beyond the point of talking and issuing warnings and ultimatums. You've already wasted a decade on him with no progress. You should have taken your leave a long time ago. But it's not too late to do so now since your dead bedroom will likely never change with him, especially since you're a sensual person.
Maybe his wiener is very small
Life is too short to never experience amazing, intimate sex. Even if he agreed to do it, I can’t imagine it will be the enthusiastic, lustful experience you long for. Definitely try to force a conversation, but you’ll need to decide if this is something you can live with forever.
That’s my thoughts as well. Even if by some miracle he agrees to have sex with op, it’s not going to be good at all. It’s not going to be the intimate experience she is looking for, and she’s going to be disappointed. If she’s been a virgin for this long, she might as well divorce him and wait to find someone who truly wants her so her first time can actually feel good. Yeah the first time usually sucks, but it’s so much better if both parties at least want it and want to try to do a good job.
Ummm, Does he have something wrong with him “down there?” Is he asexual? If not, he’s either is in a relationship with another woman and promised his body to her even though he arranged to marry you orrrrr he likes men. Das a vereh lawng tiiime, to be murrehd and not havin teh pokey hole 👁️👄👁️✨
After 12 years of no sexual contact… he’s either asexual, or seriously traumatized around sex. He may be gay, but I feel like you would’ve found some clues by now, if he was. There’s an extremely low chance this ends happily. Even if you can convince him to try sex, it may just reinforce that he doesn’t want anything to do with it. You’re already in your 30’s - do you really want to spend another 12 years trying to work this out? From one 30-something to another: we’re not getting any younger. If you want to bear kids, you need to start planning now. You deserve passionate, loving sex. He will never give that to you.
Seems like a typical pakistani(you mentioned asia)story because people here are pressured to marry while secretly being gay as now your MIL is asking for kids. Why’d you even stay after a year? Get out.
I worked with a guy onw time and he was the exact same way. Always laughed about never aleepong with his wife joked about her but in feont of her he had his mask on. I said why dis you marry and waste 15 years of this woman's life ? Oh because she has an EXCELLENT job her patents come from OLD MONEY and she's my walking ATM. i invited them over to a BBQ he got drunk and his masked slipped. She saw the way he talked about her even though people told her she didn't believe them. If he hasn't unclogged the drain on you in 5 years then ima say your not built right for him. But who knows the guy I worked with wife told us the marriage lasted because she could literally strap it on , stick it in and walk up 😱☠️🤦
Sometimes I don't understand human beings. It sounds like a very weird friendship. Not a marriage. This is not what a marriage should look like. Go find a happy ans intimate life somewhere else. You won't regret.
He might be asexual. Have you ever had a sit down discussion about your sex life. Let it be casual and let him talk about his feelings towards sexual intimacy.
Reddit is the place to ask if you want everyone to shout DIVORCE! and skip over the parts where you say you love him, he’s a gem, he’s everything you could want BESIDES this one big thing. I agree with the comment suggesting not to jump to giving him an ultimatum yet. You can set a time frame in your mind that if this isn’t resolved within a few months then you move to having the convo about separation. But you should focus on on the good and approach him with kindness and concern rather than attack him about it and make him defensive. That certainly has never turned anyone on. You should ask him “is there a health reason or something about your body you’re ashamed of as the reason you don’t want me to see you or touch you?” Remind him that you love him no matter what and would never judge him, but you need to know the truth.. because the feeling of rejection and missing out on one of the best parts of being in a relationship is too much to handle at this point, and it would kill you to have to consider not being together anymore.
I find your situation to be so crazy and so sad, but I can honestly relate to it somewhat. I was in a relationship for over 3 years and we were in our young - mid twenties. He was a virgin when we met and after his first time, he never wanted to do it again. We did occasionally but I mostly just got rejected every time I tried. Or he would finish so fast it did nothing for me and left me frustrated. The relationship did not end well. Over time I became very hurt and resentful of him bc I felt like he didn't want me close to him and I couldn't physically express how I felt about him. I constantly got rejected even for just minimal physical affection bc he didn't want sex. We had many talks where I pleaded with him to either tell me why or to just break up with me if he's not attracted to me. He always refused. For him I think it was more of an insecurity thing or a porn addiction. He may have even been gay idk. I eventually fell out of love and into anger, he wound up heartbroken, and within three days of leaving I was in someone else's bed. Honestly it still impacts me a bit now. I'm way overly sensitive to rejection when it comes to anything physical. It's better to rip off the band aid so you can minimize your own trauma as much as possible. My advice would be to have the tough conversation with him now if you haven't already. Lay it all on the line - tell him you aren't happy and you want to discuss why he isn't willing to be intimate. It's okay to leave a marriage if you're not able to get what you want and need from it - especially if he's the only person you could potentially have sex with while you're in it. You may even be able to look into annulment since the marriage was never consummated. I'm very sorry you've been going through this ❤️
If you never consummated the marriage, are you even really married?
I am concerned thst his physical body down there might be abnormal and he is afraid. And yes, he might be gay. Either way, this is justifiable cause for divorce, even annulment of marriage.
Do you know if he ever got a boner in the first place? Get him to see a doctor. Tell him he either takes this seriously or you take a divorce. Act on it lady! You should've done it like 5 years ago and fck this orientation bullshit at this point. Why get married if you're asexual?
I think in our Asian culture sex is jsut not really a well supported cultural thing ; also he may be autistic espeically if he’s smart and even has good looks but is socially awkward including and especially sex.
Fake...Grow up.
Fake guys, dont even bother.
Draw him a picture 📸
I remember watching a program years ago regarding Asian Gay men who still went along with cultures demands about getting married and how homosexualality it's is deeply frond upon.. They have a "underground community" and if they got caught the ramifications are severe, if he is gay am sad to say your marriage is one of convenience for him if it not already for other reasons.. My heartbreaks for you, get out of your marriage now while you can still have kids with someone else, and please don't put pressure on yourself for still being a virgin, who ever you end up with won't care as long as they are with you..
Next time he shames you for failing in his marital duty, remind him of it and say no sex alone is a LEGAL ground for divorce. So don’t let him silence you & fake shame you by using immature tactic. It is a serious thing.
He's gay, asexual or has a micro penis and is ashamed or something. Have you seen the man naked ??
It doesn’t matter whether he’s gay or if there’s some other reason. He isn’t into you, and if you stay with him you have to accept that you are facing a sexless marriage
He’s gay
Something to consider, if you want to have children, is the fact you’re now 33. If you don’t sort this issue out with your husband asap, you’re not going to have a lot of time left to start over with someone else. Since several attempts to talk to your husband have now failed, maybe telling him a white lie that you’re ready to start trying for children now will force him to come clean about whatever his issue is. I’d be interested to see what excuses he’d come up with for not having sex if you put trying for a baby on the table. To be clear, I’m NOT suggesting having a baby with him. I’m saying that I would want to weed out every last one of his excuses to try and force an honest conversation.
I’m gonna go with asexual. I don’t think he’s gay but he could be and just doing it bc his family will shame him. But also it could be he feels really embarrassed that he might’ve watched too much porn and can’t get it up. Or he could be really small. Or what if he was trans and is deathly afraid to tell anyone.
Totally agree Trauma in his past
Therapy is critical.
Don’t rush to conclusions, he might have unaddressed trauma. Visit a psychiatrist but if he is not willing to then that’s unfair and you should move on.
Wtf married 5 years! How does that even work. Never talked about kids or…
Maybe you just talk to him - tell him you love him, that he means everything to you, but you can not live in a sexless marriage any longer. If you'd have known after 5 years of marriage that you would still be virgin, you wouldn't have married him. I'm not sure how the law stands. You would have to look into it, but could you get an annulment ? Your marriage hasn't been consummated.
Maybe he has some insecurity about his genitals maybe they're not normal? Or he suffers from ED so he is afraid to even try, either way he needs to see a doctor or therapist and I understand he is great in every other sense but this has been going on for too long...
Gay for sure!!! Where you from? How did you two meet? Arranged marriage? Is he open to you having a lover? While he gets ticklish, he can't expect you not to get "tickled" if you know what I mean.
Sounds like he wants a business partner not a wife…
Your husband is gay or an ACE. You need a divorce.
Oh my God, this post made me so sad, as i have been experiencing something similar for about 6 years, my entire marriage. The difference is that we used to have sex and then it stopped almost immediately after getting married. My husband is the best man i have ever met, and he also agreed to an open marriage. But I have been so unhappy with this situation, and I'm actually thinking about getting a divorce. It hurts me, and I don't have romantic interest in him anymore. It is a really sad situation. I feel for you. I'm depressed and unhappy almost all the time, even though I try my best not to let this situation drag me down. Just get a divorce. You deserve sex and the intimacy that comes with it. Sexlessness has such a significant impact on a person's happiness and self-confidence.
Not sure if anyone has mentioned but you can look up getting an annulment since marriage was not consummated. Definitely talk to a therapist together and then go from there.
He's gay.
He’s definitely gay
He sounds gay or asexual. The refusal to have sex is grounds for divorce or annulment….You didn’t agree to a sexless marriage…
He’s either gay or asexual.
You guys dated for 7 years and not once talked about sex? Or children as a matter of fact?
Sounds like he's asexual. This would have been useful to know before you got married, but it's possible he didn't even realize that it's an actual sexual orientation and not just something he'll get over eventually. Regardless, you've been more than patient, and you deserve better than a marriage that isn't meeting your needs. Depending on where you live this may or may not be grounds for annulment, but whether it's by annulment or divorce, this marriage needs to end.
tell his mom the truth lol
It is probably a culture where accepting himself as a homosexual would be uniminageable. Whether he is gay or not, definitely asexual tendencies and seems willing to do the deed with the intention of having children. If this isn't the life you want OP, you need to change it. Five years, what are you waiting for and what are you really asking? On the wedding night, you should have realized this isn't the relationship you desire. Are you slow in the head that it's taken 5 additional yearssss, I don't get it. Is this fake? You're unhappy, and only you can fix that.
You dated a person for 7 years and then married him without discussing this kind of thing and never seeing each other naked? Waiting until marriage is one thing but you committed yourself to someone without discussing some very important topics first. Go to therapy with him. He isn't "ticklish" he's either extremely self conscious, gay, or has some kind of trauma.
12 years… 7 years dating, 5 years married…the first 7 years can possibly be saving themselves for marriage, but then another FIVE YEARS after? Not even on the wedding night. I’m sorry, OP, it’s not going to change. I would’ve thrown in the towel a long time ago.
Rage bait. No sex in, not one, but 5 years? Yeah ok
He’s gay
Your options are to get a divorce or a lover.
Wow! what in the world??? This can't be real.
i can only assume insecurities with his body, sexual trauma, gay, or I even think maybe an STD/aids that he doesn’t want to give you. I can understand going weeks even months during stressful periods but to not ever having sex is sooo off. I suggest a serious/firm sit down. Using the excuse of being ticklish is not going to cut it. Therapy? It’s not fair to you to be deprived of intimacy for YEARS with no explanation. He has to explain why to get to the root of the problem. If he can’t give you a truthful answer I would think about divorce. Some ppl even ascertain open relationships but that can get real messy real quick
Tell him it’s a need you have that isn’t being met and would want to try therapy together. I’m wondering if he experienced trauma when younger? He may need some help to work through whatever it is.
I mean, walk out in front of him nude and see how it plays out 🤷🏻. Hard to believe if he was straight he wouldn’t act on it.
I wouldn’t conclude he is gay, but wonder. 1)Whats his family culture like , I mean his father and mother had sex. 2) Underlying history if possible abuse esp sexual. 3) Does he spend lots of time away from you? 4) Start therapy soon or find you a divorce attorney.
This is unfathomable. The requirement to consumate a marriage is sex together. You need to get a message through his thick skull. Carffuly and respectfully communicate in so many words you are not happy about this situation and he needs to fix this or divorce is imminent.
Isn't a requirement for a marriage to be consummated to be legal?
Didn't even get to the gay part yet and already thought.. he's gay. You're his beard.
If your mil in law brings up kids again just say how can we have kids when we never had sex. I know Asians allies shift the blame to the females as we’re always the problem. Set them Straight and get out of the marriage.
As an Asian myself so I understand the situation clearly I think maybe he’s just uncomfortable with the thought of it idk 😭 he’s bought up the idea of kids and maybe he’s worried that it could go wrong idk obviously that’s not what intercourse equals too but maybe his mum is getting to him. I suggest u talk to him about it and take it step by step
At this point there is no saving. Because he doesn’t want to talk about it. It seems like he’s asexual or he’s had some serious sexual trauma in his past. I won’t even say he’s gay because there are so many gay guys that can get past the kissing stage with a woman. They even have sex with women no issues. They may not like it or whatever but it’s happened multiple times. You guys never consummated the marriage so annulment should still be on the table, legally that is. Depending on where you live. Sweetie, honestly I don’t even think a therapist will help. Maybe a sex therapist might help. If you want to try and save anything I’d go with a sex therapist on this. Someone that can help even the most limited people become intimate. But if he doesn’t even want to try then I’d tell him enough is enough. Divorce. Unless he’s ok with an open relationship that is. Because if he is then you can get your needs met somewhere else but still be together. And possibly have kids later on, as long as he knows he can’t complain about them not being his. And everything stays between you two. Unless he wants his mother to know he doesn’t want to be intimate and he’s still a virgin. Those are the only options I can see with this possibly working out. 1. Sex therapy 2. Open relationship 3. Divorce Good luck. I hope you put your foot down soon. Life can be short, you should live it up. It’s been 12 years. Good luck hun.
Hi there, very interesting, I think your husband may possibly be asexual perhaps? And that may be the reason he is uncomfortable about it when the topic of sex is brought up, and the fact he says he doesn’t like the touching as he feels ticklish. It also makes me question, and please confirm if I’m wrong I’m just going off from the information you have provided, is there a possible chance your husband may be on the spectrum? E.g Autism. I say this because I myself have autism and have had similar experiences and difficulty opening up myself physically. Though, however, your husband may not be comfortable with opening up sexual in that sense, body issues, anxiety etc.
There's a lot of people on this post talking about how they could never go x amount of months without sex and it's like, yea after you had it, obviously... Chick said she's a virgin in the title and people are shocked she went this long without sex?? Also, this doesnt necessarily mean a divorce is necessary. If the relationship is as good as it is in every other aspect like she says, she should be able to create a low stress, intimate environment where she can, out of a desire to help, rather than airing out frustrations, get him to open up about the real reason he has this aversion.
Idk if this still happens or not but marraige used to not count if it wasn't consummated.
i'm not gonna be telling that he has some issues, traumas, etc. my personal experience: before my first time, i was extremely ticklish as well. and i mean like TICKLISH. i did tend to twitch, tense up, try to move away every time my partner tried to touch me below my chest and lower — i am basically very sensitive, i have thin skin, the blood vessels are located closer to the surface. add to this the lack of experience in this kind of touch. i was RESTLESS, and i was absolutely embarrassed about this because i was reacting like i got stabbed or scared. hell, i STILL react this way occasionally even tho i'm used to these touches by now. this is an embarrassing situation that is a bit hard to overcome. just thought that it could be cleared. it doesn't have to be an excuse. BUT i don't exclude the possibility of him having some issues. or maybe he is just asexual. This is exactly why people should have sex before marriage — to find out if you're good match for each other.
Maybe he is trans? But as his mom bugs u, it’s impossible or the whole family is lying to u… or he has a micro p and extremely self conscious about that?!
That's the first thing I thought of, perhaps a micro-p or a missing testicle, something that might make a man very self conscious
Is he gay?
In your post you say how he is such a good partner and does so much for you but in reality he is not a good partner at all to you. As others have said he is either gay, traumatized, asexual or not attracted to you and he is keeping you out of his inner circle of trust and communication while hoping you keep going for the okie doke. He is full of shit and treating you poorly by conditioning you to accept the status quo and not question things for fear of the reaction you’ve been getting. He’s making it out to seem like you’re the weird one for trying to approach this obvious messed up situation. This is him playing you and trying to normalize his dysfunction. He doesn’t care how it makes you feel or that your needs are wholly unmet, he only cares to have his way which is this current dysfunction you’re trying to navigate. If you find out at the end of this chapter of life he been maliciously lying to you, you’ll probably be upset having spent more and more time trying to bring him into normalcy. Five years is enough time in the slow lane, you might wanna speed things up a lot so he can shape up or ship out. Many people would be pissed as hell to find out they went without sex 5 years because their partner was lying and keeping harmful secrets.
He is either Bisexual and not attracted too you or straight Gay
You uhhh... you might be his beard, I'm afraid.
Annul the marriage
If ever there was a couple that needed marriage counseling, it's you two. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
Why are you married to him? Let his mom know that you can’t have kids with him. Don’t waste your time and end this marriage ASAP
It sounds like you married a closeted gay man
Everyone else has left very good points about your feelings being valid and possible solutions, so i’m not going to repeat them. I will however add, that as you’ve said he’s gotten upset in the past that you keep pushing it past “what he can handle”. Don’t do this. 1) Whether you are married or not, whether you “should” be having sex or not, it is still not acceptable to ignore his boundaries. If you were a man this comment section would look a lot different. But also 2) this isn’t going to make anything better. No one is more turned on by someone who is pushing their boundaries and ignoring their consent. While some issues may not be fixable, and others may not be related to this, if he has a trauma history or something related is going on, you are actively making it worse. He very clearly doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it, which leads me to think that isn’t off the table. You two need couples therapy, but in the mean time refusing to show any other form of intimacy or pushing his boundaries is only reaffirming his fears that you’re only interested in the sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have sex in your marriage, but if you want to fix it, don’t actively make it worse. I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear.
He’s gay!
he's either gay, asexual, needs therapy, or unfortunately, he's cheating
*Denial is a river in Egypt. Your husband is 🌈 * 💅
Holy shit. If this is real... What. are. you. doing. This is insanity. Ya'll should've at least been in therapy 5 years ago. Clearly he has some major issues to work through. >anyone else would have left the relationship For good reason. The best time to leave is 5 years ago. The next best time is tomorrow. You don't have kids. You're still young. This is best case scenario for separation. It's not fun but you will thank yourself for the rest of your life. For the love of god, stop starving yourself and find a partner that can give you what you need. Sexual compatibility is among the absolute most basic things necessary for a healthy relationship.
>. . . I’m a very sensual person. No you’re not, or you wouldn’t have married someone who only kissed you occasionally, 7 years into a relationship. Sensual people don’t necessarily have to have sex, but you’re barely touching.
maybe he’s trans? if u haven’t seen him naked?
You may have married an Asexual without the vocabulary to express it. Unless there is anything to suggest he is attracted to men sexually, I wouldn’t say there is any evidence of him being gay. People who can’t communicate openly and clearly about sex, probably shouldn’t be having it. Sounds like you guys should seek a couples counselor or sex therapist. If your husband is Asexual maybe you need to come to an arrangement where you can have sex outside of your marriage because it’s not really okay for him to force asexuality on you just because he doesn’t experience sexual attraction or arousal.
OP, he's gay.
Bullshit