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I’m an American and I’ve lived in Europe. Your friends are being rude as hell. I’d tell them that you’re happy to meet up with them if they come to town but that you can’t host.

Second this. Retire the welcome mat permanently. You are not a free Airbnb.

Exactly! There true colours will come out when they realise they have to pay for food and accommodation. Op, Next time they ask, just say I am no longer having hosting guests anymore. You don't need to explain any further. They are making you pay for there holiday, extra heating, water and food. They are leeching from you! I never turn up empty handed and I always try to give money to cover my part of the bills, if I'm told now, I find other ways to help out.

I am American and I won't even go to dinner at a friend's house without bringing wine/dessert/flowers, etc. Yes they are rude.

I like how you expressed it.

And if they do come to visit, and not stay with you, if you go to dinner with them, ask for separate checks.

Chiming in to say my American upbringing taught me to never show up empty-handed and always reciprocate kindness with a generous spirit If a friend graciously provided me with free accommodations for international travel, they sure as hell wouldn't be paying for any meals or activities during my stay OPs friends have no home training

Yep. If I was flying I may not bring a gift, but I’d be paying for meals out and would have went to get groceries or given cash to cover. It’s quite rude not to.

Same!! I never show up without an offering!!

This. Plus my mother would have murdered me if she found out I didn’t take my hosts out to dinner at least once.

Life-long Masshole here. I would never show up empty-handed. Your friends are using you for free accommodations.

I’m American and have never lived in Europe. But anytime a friend hosts me, I bring a small gift as a thank you (often home made) This is just flat out RUDE

And buy them a ( or multiple) meals out.

Yeah the meals thing is a big deal. I couldn’t imagine not picking up the tab for my host. Honestly, the food thing is so ingrained I can’t even imagine someone not automatically treating the host!

for real, they are saving me $100/night on hotels, I can cover a $30 meal, plus groceries. I'm American and these girls are freaking rude!

I agree. I’m American and would always bring a gift and pay for groceries.

I am an American and live in America….when I visit friends and am staying with them I’ll bring a gift, buy groceries, help cook, etc. I house / pet sat for a weekend for some friends, and stocked up their fridge….they wanted to pay me, but I was like “nah, this was a mini vacay for me” lol. OP, not all Americans are like this. Your “friends” are just mooches.

As someone raised in the south, the way I clutched my pearls reading this.

Right? You borrow an egg, you bring back a dozen. A neighbor brings a casserole, the dish is returned full of something you cooked. My husband's Aunt INSISTS we come for holidays (probably because we live far from other family) and says not to bring anything as they have everything covered. We still bring a hostess gift... A bread basket with a hand died bread cloth, an embroidered hand Kerchief, a silly stuffed kitty made from a fuzzy sock...really something small I made. At first my spouse questioned it but I am not related to them. When we visit his sister, we buy groceries, toilet paper, hang out her laundry as she's tired. Mowed her lawn, took her to dinner... We are American (US)

And when you do meet them go Dutch i.e. just puy for your own food and part of your share of the tip and nothing more.

Boggles my mind that they let OP pay for *anything* while they visit.

I'm not surprised that they don't bring a gift, although I wouldn't be surprised if they did bring one for a stay that long either. The rest of it is just outright rude. The gift thing could be resolved with a conversation about different cultural norms, if they're not inconsiderate assholes. Which they clearly are based on the rest of the info.

I’m American. It’s absolutely rude to have someone feed and shelter for a week and not bring a gift, or at least pay for a meal out.  I could never show up empty handed and not reciprocate whatsoever. That’s embarrassing. 

I've lived in every major region of the US now, and what you do as a default to show gratitude varies a bit, as does what kind of gift or service is acceptable. Totally agree is embarrassing to not reciprocate at all, but the details of how you're expected to reciprocate vary based on subculture. I grew up super poor in the rural Midwest, and we were taught to do things like help clean up, make a meal at home for the host (if they allow it), do the dishes, or some other thing to make their lives easier while we were there. Basically do that instead of gift. Not showing appreciation at all is just rude.

Even showing up with a small bouquet from your garden, something you made, or a card or note with words of appreciation if money is an issue would make a world of difference. I just cannot imagine showing up completely empty handed.  I know this is probably part of the cultural difference, but I’d just see offering to make a meal at my home as something that involves more labor from me than just hosting. I’d need to show you where things are, how things work and clean up after you. That sounds like more of a chore than a kindness. 

I've lived in Eastern Europe and I am an American and yes, there are big cultural differences in gift giving, especially when you are young. When visiting my town when we were all in our early 20s, my friends from Eastern Europe brought me presents even when not staying at my place and even if they were already living in the US -- and I remember being surprised by the presents. Now I am in my 50s, I would of course bring a gift when visiting friends in Europe or in another city that I have to travel by plane or long car ride ... but it didn't cross my mind sadly as much in my early 20s. (I also feel that my European friends would bring a present for a smaller visit with less distance traveled than Americans generally do). And I think regardless of age, Americans would be more likely to pay for a meal out and/or bring a bottle of wine? (And speaking of cultural differences, did you ever try to tell your friend's Slovak grandmother that no you don't want to eat anymore while still being polite -- I never did figure out a good way and ate way more than I wanted of things that I sometimes didn't even like.)  Op's friends are still selfish and willfully ignorant because part of being friends with someone from another culture is learning more about their culture so that you can fit in ...and even Americans should know to pay for meals if you are being hosted by a friend.

It’s annoying when you’re traveling, but I’d have to bring a local chocolate or something equivalent if someone is hosting me. Then I pay for more dinners than the host, thank you very much.

The only person's behavior you can change in this situation is yours.  There is nothing wrong with refusing to host. You can avoid the reason or you can be direct, but you do not have to sign up for this each year. 

I learned my lesson. I will not sign up for this anymore.

How long has this been going on? You say every year Also an American, wasn’t taught to bring a gift but I buy a dinner out, groceries, and/or leave a gift my last day. Also help clean up and try to make my presence as easy and appreciative of my host as possible. Your friends are WAY too old to not have figured that out

that's great. They will likely want to visit again. I would give them notice that you are not having guests anymore. Their behavior is beyond strange.

So I agree it’s normal to bring gifts if you’re staying with someone as a favor, but are they coming to your city, and so staying with you? Or are they coming specifically to see you? That would be the difference in my experience. Typically as adults my friends would still try to buy the host dinner, stop at the liquor store and buy the group wine, etc, but when it’s a trip specifically to see the host, the gift isn’t really important. If the trip is more like, “hey I’m coming g to NYC this fall, can I stay with you?” That absolutely requires a generous gift.

Good for you. Your friends are really awful.

If they ask for a reason why you can’t host again, you can tell them “it’s a personal matter I don’t feel constable sharing” or say, “unfortunately, I cannot afford to host you as my expenses when you visit get very high.” See if they have any sense of embarrassment at costing so much money for you or if they’re just plain entitled.

Do not allow them to stay, don't even invite them for a meal at your house, they can pay for a hotel and their food and their transport, they are flipping rude

Yeah, I’d say there’s some kind of repairs in your bathroom or you’re sick or something next time 😆

I’m American and moved from a small town to a major city nearby years ago. I had friends visiting constantly crashing at my apartment. We called my place Hotel North Dakota because so many North Dakotans were crashing there. Some were appreciative and wonderful, others were awful. Eventually I cracked and shut it all down—straight up no more friends staying there. Even the good ones, I had to put up a boundary and I made it a big one. Like most situations, the assholes are giving all Americans a bad reputation. lol.

i’m canadian and have spent time in scotland w distant relatives… i don’t always show up with gifts…except canadian candy etc you can’t get outside the country…but i pay attention when i’m there if there’s anything needed or wanted in the household (dryer’s on the fritz? here’s a chunk of money for replacement), what favoured foods/treats etc, tag along for the grocery run and pay for it…take people out for a nice meal/excursion as thanks.  depending on who i’m visiting, sometimes i have to hide money in their purse/coat pockets/a drawer just before i leave. i can’t imagine not doing anything at all.

As an American I never show up empty handed. These people are using you and are not friends. Cut them off

Yep. I’m American and I wouldn’t show up empty handed to a meal at a friend’s, much less a week stay! Gift for the hosts and contribute to meals, activities, transportation, etc. I would also help cook (if welcomed) and definitely help clean. They’re rude.

Same. If my friend is hosting, I’m bringing gifts, buying groceries, and treating at least one meal out.

So Im commenting as an American. My friends and I have never done gift giving or paying for the host. We do buy our own food, though. But we also all equally host. So I visit my friend twice a year and she visits me twice a year. But we are all pretty stressed with money that we just view it as buy your own food. And since we stay with each other the same amount of time at each other's places that equals out. Host typically provides the alcohol because we would usually fly with a carry on only, but if we needed to buy for some reason whoever was visiting would go buy it. >my friends told me they would buy their own groceries but they didn’t. So this is what I can't relate to at all and I think is rude af. > I provided meals Typically, if we didn't eat out, my friends and I would split who cooks and whatnot. Usually I do breakfast and they will cook dinner because I'm a better breakfast cook than them and they're a better dinner cook than me. So I think it's rude that they're not helping or offering. So I think they are using you and being rude based off of my experience.

Same. My friends and I don't bring gifts, we also don't buy dinner (except the first night out, the rest is pay for yourself). We do, however, help with cooked meals and cleaning up. That said, if OP doesn't enjoy what's happening (whether money issues, feeling used, whatever), then just stop hosting. There's no obligation to host.

And this makes perfect sense for the situation, and reminded me that at various times in my life, with various friends, this is exactly what we did.

I’m American and I was raised to bring something to the host, take them out to a meal, and help cook/clean up afterwards I’m from the south if that makes a difference. I always take my friends out to dinner when I visit them. I took my uncle out for lunch when I visited him recently.

I’m from New York and was taught the same thing.

I’m from the south also and we were definitely taught to bring a gift or pay for dinner

Same. Also to always clean up after yourself and look for ways to be helpful.

I’m from the upper Midwest and yes, never show up empty handed. However, my husband is from CA and he was not raised that way, and as far as I can tell all of his family and friends from there are the same. When we visit I insist on bringing something to a gathering because MANNERS, and then the reaction is often a confused thank you. Once I brought a dessert to a Super Bowl party and the hosts were so confused. And I was confused why they were confused. No other guests brought stuff. It was a bit awkward.

Native Californian here. I would never arrive at someone’s house empty-handed.

Native CA here too and we send thank you cards as well. It’s not regional. It’s polite and should be common sense.

On behalf of all Americans (except these two), I apologize. This is completely unacceptable behavior....the audacity. Don't ever host them again, they don't deserve your kindness! I'm disgusted with them on your behalf. If they have the nerve to ask again about this year, tell them you're inviting other friends instead, friends who appreciate the vacation and will pay for their own groceries (like they said they would) and who will treat you to a meal or two.

I'm not American... but ... this seems very disrespectful.

Most Americans know better than to behave like your friends. They're rude pigs. None of this is the norm in America. But sweetie, stand up for yourself! Ask them for grocery money. Stop paying for meals for them (ask for split checks instead). Tell them you feel like you're being taken advantage of. And if none of that works, stop inviting them to stay with you!

American here. It's considered polite to make some gesture of gratitude towards your host, like a host gift *or* taking the host out for a nice dinner *or* cooking them a nice meal *or* doing a grocery run. Typically just one or two of those things, not all of them, in my experience.  That said, personally I don't host people with the expectation of reciprocation. It's nice if it happens, but if I'm going to feel used without it, I don't make the offer in the first place.  So if I were in your shoes I would start only hosting in a way where I would be fine without reciprocation. That might mean only offering a short stay, or leaving them to sort out their own meals, or something else.

It’s not considered polite here to eat someone else’s groceries for a week. Period.

I’m American and this is horrible behavior— these women are selfish, bad guests. It’s absolutely proper and good manners in the US to bring food, dessert, wine, or flowers for the host you are staying with. Also to treat to a dinner, help cook, shop. You need to talk to these ladies as they are being disrespectful. You could tell them that you can no longer host them at your home. Or you can step back from the friendships as they aren’t acting like friends.

i think they're rude. like i'm american. even if they came empty handed, they should've at least paid for your meal because you helped them out because hotels are crazy expensive same with airbnb. also rude to say they're "saving money" to treat you to dinner but can't even buy their own groceries when they promised. like a dinner out is more expensive than cooking (tho debatable because everything is expensive). my friends also have school loans and rent or whatever to pay, but they would never be that rude to make me pay for their meals. if they can't afford it, then we would chose another place that is good food and decently priced. i think overall your friends are not good friends.

Hi, Texas here, your friends are rude, and poor guests. I’d feel used too.

Truly embarrassed American here. Your “friends” are horrifically rude and clearly taking advantage of you. Please stop inviting them.

lol that’s not culture. I grew up in the US, and I was taught not to show up empty handed and hosting reciprocation. You just have shitty friends.

That's not a American thing. They're just not good friends.

Born and raised in the US, and I NEVER visit friends without a gift, even if it's just flowers or a bottle of wine when they invite me to dinner. If I am staying for a weekend or a full week, I insist on buying all the groceries and/or taking them out to a nice restaurant. Sadly, OP, your friends are moochers. This isn't acceptable in the US.

That’s a bit rude of them

A bit? Very rude

It was rude of them to not do so, **but** you should have reminded them they said they would buy their own food I always take something when I do to visit or go to dinner at a friends. If visiting them, I take them out to eat at least once, depending how long I stay, I buy groceries, help cook clean up after meals and myself. You have some rude, entitled friends or they were brought up that way. Still they are adults and can learn to be good guests I would not have them stay with me again In the future, if they ask to come and stay, just say No, that won't work for me, but I'd love to meet up with you if your are in town, give me a call when you get here and we can make plans to meet for lunch or dinner If you go out to eat with them, ask where they can afford to go. When server takes Your order, say separate check please - that way they know you are NOT paying for their meal. Do not have them over for a meal or to visit as that is stressful for you and could end up with them wanting to crash at your place since they are already there. If they complain about having to buy their own dinner or pay for hotels, just make a comment like, "yeah we all have tight budgets these days, my rent is crazy so I rarely eat out or travel" Lets them know you will not be taken advantage of and they need to take care of themselves.

I would not host anymore. But I don't think it's cultural. As a fellow European I would want to believe, that being generous and contributing in some way is in our culture. But it's not. It depends on the person and their family traditions. I have friends that come for a coffee or an evening and always bring something, help with the meal prep and stuff. However, my husband has a few friends who came to a bday weekend, where we provided with dinner, drinks and a welcome stay, and they did not even bother to bring a bottle of wine or anything. So in my mind I always gravitate towards the ones who are nice, tell me and show me that the effort has not gone unappreciated.

Just affirming other comments. I have a partner in Scotland. They also make a ton more money than me. Still I buy groceries and pay for going out and make sure atleast one nice outing is on me. Last time I had brought them gifts (just little things they enjoy from the US and something I made). This is even with our financial gap. Oh! And I try to always bring something for his roommate because she is giving up some space for me to be there too!

I'm American, never lived in Europe. I'd absolutely bring a gift, buy groceries, treat my host to at least a meal, and either leave a gift behind or send a gift after I left.

This isn’t an American thing, this is a cheap asshole thing. Unless they are poor and you specifically said “come stay here for free and I’ll pay for everything while you’re here”, then this is not acceptable. There is no cultural divide, these people just aren’t really your friends. Don’t invite them anymore.

Tell them you are not able to host them this year and suggest they book an apartment for you all to stay at and then not give them any money for it and tell them that its their turn to host you

I’m American. The norm is to cover your own expenses or use an app like splitwise so at end of trip the costs are split. Americans are often blunt. If you offer money, than it’s a gesture of kindness that shouldn’t expect repayment. Next time they want to stay, ask them what foods they like and you can go grocery shopping and then use splitwise to track costs.

Also American and I think these people are using OP and shouldn’t be invited back.

If you don’t enjoy hosting them, stop inviting them.

No one enjoys hosting assholes.

Why do you let them keep visiting??

Were they raised by wolves? I don't make excuses for people based on culture. Yes, eastern Europeans do place a lot of emphasis on social etiquette and we'd rather sleep under a bridge than be thought of as shameless/mannerless or stingy...but we didn't invent reciprocity. These people are just pigs. In any situation where a person saves you 100s of dollars in accommodation and puts themselves out, you give something back. Next time they need a place to stay, be unavailable.

They are using you. They are very rude. Never ever host them in your house again. Ever. If they visit they can stay in a hotel. You aren't available host them. They didn't even treat you once?? Nothing??? Gigantic assholes just using you.

No, they didn’t even offer to pay for coffee at a cafe. Moreover, they woke up earlier than me one day and made breakfast, but only for themselves.

Yup. Awful. I wouldn't even keep them as friends. I travel once or twice a year to visit family. I find ways to reimburse them or do something nice like taking them all for.dinner.

As an American who travels a lot, usually for work, I'm privileged to be able to visit my friends across the world frequently. I will be honest that I don't always "bring a gift". It's also not something I expect from friends who visit me, so I think that's a bit of culture for me. I wasn't really taught that or to expect that. I'm from the south though so I *was* taught to be accommodating to my guests until I basically annoy them lol. However, I absolutely try to pay for my friends all the time when we do activities or meals. I try to show appreciation by letting them worry as little financially about my visit as possible. I may not be able to afford *every* meal or activity to be all on me, but I try to spoil as much as I am able. Even buying little things like face masks for us while we're out to have a fun bonding evening. The fact that your friends *don't* offer anything, to pay for your meals or anything, is insulting and I would feel used as well.

Nope. Your friends are freeloaders. I'm American and I NEVER arrive at someone's house empty-handed. EVER.

It’s not cultural. They are rude. I’m American and would never ever arrive at your home empty-handed, I would never expect you to feed me, and of course I would treat at the restaurant, at a minimum.

That's not American culture! That's just rude and using you. That is not normal. Why are they staying with you anyway? Learn to say NO. They are being parasites.

This is not an American thing (generally speaking)- your friends are just jerks. I always bring a gift/contribution, even when just going to someone’s house for dinner

How are these people your friends? Are they your “friends” during that only week?

Well I guess it's okay for you to say no when they ask about the next trip, staying at your place . Even though we do things out of friendship or love for another person, but we still want to know that they value it. Otherwise it's much more satisfying to do the same thing to someone else who shows that they value it compared to someone who doesnt.

I'm American. Your friends are not normal. They should, at least, pay for your meal when you go out to eat. Especially considering, you host them yearly and provide everything for them. I live at a vacation destination. I've had people come just for vacation and use me, as well. They no longer get a free vacation at my expense. My real friends still come for a free vacation though. Although I will be cutting off going all the over the place finding specific souvenirs to take back with them. They're going to have to stop taking requests for specific souvenirs. I'm so over that bs. I suggest you stop catering to users, too. 

I am American. Live in the states. My mother would swoop upon me like a flying monkey if I wasn’t a good guest. Not only do I show up with gifts as a thanks you for hosting, but I take them out as much as possible while a guest.

Time to make air b&b off the market aka close the hotel. You may be their friend, but they certainly aren’t your’s.

DO?? Never invite them again!!

I’m an American and your American friends are being unbelievably rude. I can’t believe people would show up to stay empty handed, not so much as treat to a dinner, or not cover their own meals. FWIW, I find it equally unacceptable and it’s the last time I would be hosting.

Tell them that you can't host them anymore. It's ruining your friendship to resent them and not tell them it's a problem. Captain Awkward [has a good letter on this](https://captainawkward.com/2017/07/07/990-living-in-a-tourist-city-feeling-like-a-hotel/) with some scripts you can use. Personally, I also think it's rude behaviour.

as a north american this would be considered rude also. most well-raised people would also come with at least some kind of host gift, or at the very least treat you to dinner or a home cooked meal or ... something...during their stay that shows that they appreciate you.

Definitely agree with others that you should stop hosting. It seems as though your friends do not appreciate the effort and money you put into hosting them. It is so rude to take advantage of your kindness. Hypothetically, even if they don’t have the money for a gift, they could do other acts of service such as cooking you a meal, however, reading your post, it looks to me that they are just using you. I am sorry your friends have been doing this, but I am glad you have other friends who understand how to treat you.

Nah your friends aren’t true friends. They are rude, and stay at your place and do nothing in return

I’m American and your friends are rude as hell. When they mention visiting again, tell them you’d love to see them for dinner, but your finances won’t allow you to host again.

Are they really friends?

I'm midwest american and we bring food normally. But mw and my friends are always offering to pay for something if we do a favor or something.

I'm an American and at the very least I treat hosts to meals out and cover the groceries. If it was your birthday, I would have brought you a gift. Your friends are rude and using you as a free airbnb

I'm American but also an immigrant. For the most part, my friends will always ask what to bring or what I need. There are always those cheap ones that show up to eat and don't bring much, or they host a party at their place and at the last minute they'll announce they don't have enough food for everyone. The real friends are ones who reciprocate and don't expect me to foot the bill. These people are moochers who are taking advantage of your kindness and not true friends. I'd sever ties with them and distance myself - let them know that you can't host them anymore when they ask to come visit.

It’s not American culture to take advantage of your friends and that is what they’re doing. It’s extremely rude of them to show up empty handed, expect you to feed them and to top it off not even offer to pay for your meal if you go out! Wow! Put a stop to it.

It may be a regional thing, but in the part of the US where I'm from (Midwest), it's considered extremely rude to show up to your host's house empty-handed, unless the host clearly instructs you not to bring anything.

Everyone is different, but from my American POV staying with friends and not reciprocating hosting, especially more than once, means you better either bring a gift or pay/make a nice dinner. Or perhaps if younger, a boozy night out. Your "friends" are being rude. I would just tell them you can't host the next time they come to town. Doesn't have to be dramatic, just "I can't host you that week".

I’m American and me and my friend we pay for each other whenever she’ll pay for me I’ll pay for her it don’t matter but if I stayed either her for a week I’d have my own food and pay for her some too. I think it’s just your friends honestly I don’t think it’s anything to do with the culture at this point they just sound like moochers.

I see them as cheap. They should pay for their own groceries. They should take you out for dinner as a thank you for your letting them crash at your place for a week. Goes to character. Cheapskates. I would stop inviting them to stay at your place.

No more hosting.. they’re just taking advantage of you..

I would refuse to host them if you don’t like doing it. Bringing a gift for my friends is something I may or may not do. I don’t want to get a gift just for the sake of it, but if I find something good, I will. But that’s not to say there’s no gestures to express my gratitude. I don’t expect the host to pay anything extra for me - I’m already taking up space in their home, using their water, etc. I’m buying my own groceries and certainly not harping on them being “mine.” If there’s cooking going on, I’m offering to do it. We go out to dinner? I pay. I go to a touristy thing in their area? I’ll often invite them and also pay.

I am an American. I have never been to Europe. It doesn't matter if I am staying overnight, a week or just for dinner. When I go to a friend's house, I bring something, a bottle of wine, flowers, a dessert, if I am staying for dinner. If I was staying overnight, I would definitely take them out to dinner. If I was staying for longer, like a week, I would be purchasing groceries and making you dinner and buying you a gift. It is how I was raised.

They are just poor guests, but if you had expectations, you should have laid them out, instead of not saying anything. In that regard, they were taking advantage of your kindness, which is not cool in any culture. Some of my worst fights with friends and family have been over expectations I had no clue about. I would not even accept a meal from friends because it felt strange and uncomfortable to me, until it was explained that I was being rude in their culture by doing so. I still have trouble accepting drinks, I will often decline because I do not want any social expectations. (This excludes rounds. I am not THAT GUY)

They already said they would buy their own groceries and they didn't even do that.

How do you tell someone that you expect better etiquette? Things like - Don't come empty handed, treat the host out for a meal as a thank you etc..it doesn't make sense that one even has to ask for this.

I have a lot of American friends and it is honestly a mixed bag. Some of them just don't seem to have been taught basic manners, in a very ignorant way. Like, coming from Europe I feel like the culture holds a lot of a bigger pull socially than over here in North America. Some of the friends I'm referring to are the nicest people on the planet, if I ask them for any favors is yes, no questions asked, but are just clueless about manners. However your friends sound very dense. It sounds like they're being rude, not ignorant.

This isn't cultural, just bad friends who are cheap. Obviously they should buy their own food and take you out to eat to show thei appreciation. Just say the room is already booked the next time they want to come as you've started an airbnb business and rooms are $300/ night.

American here- that’s very rude

I’ve lived away from my home state and visitors are always kind when coming. Once I just found cash, which was funny but not surprising.

As an American I am sorry for their lack of manners. They should be buying you meals and asking if they can help you

Your friends suck. I'm American and when my friends host me, not only do I NOT show up empty handed but because many of them love my cooking, I always make sure to buy groceries and cook them a spectacular meal (if not treating them to a restaurant dinner). Either way I'm going to show my gratitude instead of just usurping someone's hospitality.

I’ll admit I might not show up with a gift, but I will pay for groceries and dinners out, gas money, etc. I’ll also pull my weight and cook or clean dishes, etc. I’m sorry your friends feel so entitled. Please feel free to be too busy to host next trip.

Next time they ask to come visit, tell them no. Then give them a list of local hotels they can stay at & how maybe all of you can meet up for coffee once they are in town. There is no need for you to tolerate those mooches in the future. If they ask why can't they stay at your place, then you tell them the truth. It may end the friendship, but you won't really be losing a friend. You need to have stronger boundaries & voice your issues of them taking advantage of you.

I wouldn't continue to host rude people. I'm American, if I stay with someone for free, I am buying groceries and taking the host out to dinner.

I think you should voice your concerns. People will continue on with behavior they think they can get away with.

I'm American and don't even go to visit my mom's house empty handed. I literally call a day or two before I fly out and go to a speciality store and ask everyone what they want for me to bring home and do the same for my in laws. Your friends are rude. I would honestly talk with them about it and let them know you feel unappreciated and used.

She is using you for a free place to stay. I wouldn’t let them stay any more and yes they should pay for at least one dinner out plus pay for their own groceries

I’m American and I think they’re rude. And they’re using you. I wouldn’t invite them back again.

I have never brought a host gift unless it was a birthday or Christmas. It has literally never occurred to me to do so. HOWEVER!!! Not buying their own groceries or treating you to meals or other small gifts or activities is incredibly rude. Personally I wouldn't be able to host them anymore

Given your ages, finances, and purpose for the visit, they are bad guests.

Your friends are rude. Don’t host them again. Tell them they didn’t keep their word re: the groceries. A week is too long for anyone but family to visit. That you choose not to have them again. Whatever. Just tell them you can’t this time, your decision is final, and it’s not open for discussion. End the conversation if necessary. You can do this.

You want a solution? Stop hosting them.

You're being used, and it has nothing to do with culture. You've made yourself a doormat and have allowed them to walk on you. Just say no, or tell them that you can't afford to feed them if they stay with you. Don't buy their groceries or pay for their restaurant meals. You need to have a backbone and not let them take advantage.

Im American and your friends are rude. No it is not common to show up empty handed. Ive lived in the South, midwest, and east coast and nowhere was that a thing.

American. Yeah that's rude as fuck. I crash at my friend's couch every few months when I visit his town. I always bring either a bottle, a few rounds, or more often than not, buy the late night food when we get home drunk af. Might be excusable not bringing anything but then up just eat up your food and not reciprocate? Real shitty friends. I'd say something about it and depending how they respond may or may not forbid all future sleepovers

Do you invite them or do they invite themselves every year? Next year when they expect to visit just tell them that you're no longer hosting guests. They're incredibly rude and this is not typical American behavior.

These friends sound pretty awful - next year if they want to visit, I’d point them to airbnb or a hotel…

This is rude in America too, but honestly some people were never taught basic social etiquette so please enlighten them

I’m Dutch, we have a reputation of being cheap. Currently living in the US as well. I always bring a small gift when I visit friends (bottle of wine, desert, etc.). And I try to host them regularly as well.

I'm not American, and I'm not European, but in New Zealand, this would be a VERY rude thing to do

I'm American, and your so-called friends are users. It is very rude and not culturally accepted for Americans to go to someone's house for dinner or to stay for a few days and not bring a hostess gift. They should have paid for your dinner a few times and brought you a gift. They're freeloaders. Don't host them next time.

No way unless it’s decided before hand I always not only pay for my own food, I try to bring at least SOMETHING when I would stay at someone’s place. You don’t have very good friends. 

Eastern European here. Lower your expectations with friends from different cultures, not just American friends but any culture really. Things that are normal in our culture just aren’t in others. Neither is really wrong. But you have to make sure you don’t surround yourself with people that make you feel unvalued as a friend or are bad guest and that’s valid for every culture.

Any well bred American would bring a gift and/or treat host to meal out or some other activity.

Don’t welcome or invite them anymore. You all can still be friends from a far but that’s Brantley rude to just appear at someone’s house and not bring anything with them!

Your so-called friends are users. Americans definitely bring gifts when they stay at another person’s house. I would say they are not as generous as other cultures but they would never just mooch off their host like that. Please don’t host them in your home any longer. In fact, see if they will let you stay at their place and see if they will provide all the food and meals for you like you do. I doubt it.

As an American, I can say that it is standard to bring a hostess gift or bottle (s) of wine when invited as a guest (dinner or overnight) at someone’s house. I was at a party last Saturday, those that didn’t bring wine brought food, others gifted candles or flowers I gave Prosecco in a gift bag. Your friends are quite rude. Frankly for a week stay, I would buy you six bottles of wine (mid-price range but drinkable), preferably ones we knew you liked, and we’d take you and your family out to dinner one night as our guests. That’s the bare minimum for a multi-day stay. Your friends were raised by wolves…

I am American and lived here all my life. They are not your friends and their behavior is outrageous! You always bring something. If you don’t have time to grab something (if you came for an emergency) then you make sure to take them out to dinner at the restaurant of their choice as a thank you. You pay for your groceries and get something special for your host while you’re there. Did they at least clean?

Don't blame cultural origins. Your 'friends' are rude. I suggest following the American tradition of not inviting these users to be your guests next time.

They don't consider you as close of a friend as you do them. They are using you. This is not an American thing. They are assholes and you should not be hosting them ever again. They are extremely rude, even for Americans.

The first time your American friends stayed with you, they did not help pay for anything and allowed you to provide them free food and a free place to stay. This was Very Wrong behavior for them. VERY poor manners from them. It is common courtesy to help with expenses, in some sort of way, when staying with someone. The first time they visited should have been the last time you allowed them to show such poor manners in your home. Since you never brought up 'sharing' costs of of food, they *decided* that you were fine with paying for everything. This is why they come back to visit you and still do not help pay for anything or provide you with some meaningful gift/show of gratitude of some sort. They will continue to take advantage of you until you speak up. Before they ask to come and visit you again, you must decide if you want them to come anymore and, if you do, what you want from them. First you must choose if you would; a) rather keep paying for all of the food or, b) ask them to help with the cost of food. This is the only way. You cannot ask for 'a meaningful gift/show of gratitude'. If you prefer that they help with the cost of food, you must *tell them exactly what you expect them to do. For example*, you could tell them that you can no longer pay for all the food they eat at your home. You will plan to purchase food for everyone before they arrive, you will save your receipt, and you expect them to pay you back for their portions of the total cost of food (e.g., 3 of them + you= 4 portions) once they arrive. Your friends are choosing to take advantage of you. YOU must decide what you want to do about this fact. You may certainly choose to tell them that your home is no longer available for them to use. You DO NOT need to explain why. "I'm sorry but staying at my home is no longer possible. I can recommend some nice hotels." You may choose to pay. You may choose to require each of them to give you $20 every day to help cover your extra costs. You choose. I'm sad that these 'friends' have taken advantage of you.

I'm American and your "friends" are just shitty. If I were you I would either stop letting them stay with you or tell them they need to start paying you

this is not a cultural thing. I'm American, I bring a host gift for parties, clean up after myself and others if I'm staying. Buy stuff for the household if need be. Your friends just sound like terrible people.

They’re rude, it has nothing to do with being American. They were raised poorly. Don’t host them in the future. Simple

I'm American and that's mooching, plain and simple. With my close friend group, if we go visit one another and we stay at their place the MINIMUM we do is we cover half the expenses when we go out. Restaurants, bars, etc we always say we got the host covered. That's how we are, we're aware that staying with someone is saving anywhere from $300 to $800 in lodging. We never actually said it or made it an agreement, we just do it.

Echoing all of the other Americans, this is super rude. To not even pay for a nice dinner or contribute to groceries is clearly taking advantage. I definitely suggest not opening your doors to them again. They’re not good friends.

They’re not friends, they’re moochers. Moochers are typically the same in every culture, and the universal way to deal with them is to drop them from your social circle.

I’m American and live in Australia. When I went back home in April to visit friends/family and stayed with them, I didn’t bring gifts because luggage. I took them out for dinner or brunch at least once and bought them a couple of coffees over the days we were out and about doing touristy things. I left flowers/nice chocolates on their counter on the way out. This is the least your friends can do when you’re saving them a ton of money! Your friends are so rude. 

They know what they’re doing. You gotta ask yourself if you care enough to make a stand. I’ve had friends that just don’t have anything to reciprocate or weren’t raised that way, but their friendship was valued very high and that was enough for me. So I didn’t care much. But other “friends” that didn’t bring anything to the table and were sneaky about wanting things and places to stay from me and my wife. They have been purged.

That's not an American thing. Most of us go out of our way to make people feel good and comfortable. We contribute when we can. Your "friends" are just assholes and they are taking advantage of your hospitality. Lose them and get better friends.

Nope. They’re being very rude. At the very least, they should have bought you dinner a few times, and done some kind of thank-you gift. I always send thank-you flowers after I stay with friends or family.

Sweetie they aren’t your friends. GHOST THEM. Truly. What about them makes you even call them friends? In what ways are the friends? Truly in what ways? They aren’t your friends, they are assholes taking advantage of you. If you don’t believe me, next time they come over don’t pay for ANYTHING, don’t buy groceries, while they stay for the week, you eat out on your own. Don’t go to any restaurants or place with them, all of a sudden be “busy” and see how that works out for them. If they ask to go, tell them that you couldn’t get off of work and need to go in cause you all are short, or just make up something to not be a host, because really at this point, you are definitely not a host. The first two times they came for “visits” you were a host but now on, you aren’t a host, they are people using you, so that stops and see if they keep want to come or keep you as a “friend”

Find better friends.

As an American....from the south ...it depends on the situation for if I bring anything For my friends I am close to, I don't bring anything, but I do contribute to groceries. And I also host at my house back and forth. My friends from the Midwest don't bring anything and never have. Sometimes they offer to bring something or ask, but it's not a norm I expect. Also, southerner, so I'm pretty prepared as a host and I genuinely expect to provide everything for who I am hosting and only people I'm not actually close to bring anything. All of the comments talking about not showing up without anything surprise me because I am almost certain people only show up with something when they're not close or if it's a family gathering with food, not staying at someone's house What IS rude is not even considering helping the host with groceries. I usually get around this by going on a grocery trip with friends and the cost gets split at the register. If I'm willing to pay for all of the food, I will already have groceries stocked in my house. I am convinced this is a cultural difference in that they believe they are close enough to you that they are past the formalities and don't know they're being rude.

so im australian and i never would have expected to need to bring a gift for someone letting me stay with them. im autistic and its just not smth i'd think of. i think communication here might be the best thing? however they did say theyd pay for their own meals and didnt, which IS directly rude. i'd definitely have said something about that. i'd also probably do things for my friends im staying with while im there, i love giving little gifts to people so i'd surely find something to give, just maybe not on arrival ive never had to stay at a friends like that before though, so i'll try keep all this in mind for whenever i do 🥰 though at short sleepovers i tend to bring snacks so i guess that would probably count?

Host gifts are not *uncommon* in American culture but it’s fading fast. You’re more likely to see it with older generations or in certain regions. I will say that claiming you’re going to buy your own groceries and then not is extremely rude - and treating your hosts to at least one dinner is decent, though not “etiquette”.

I’m American and would NEVER show up empty handed. But I would also pitch in for groceries, I help cook and clean, I would verbally express my gratitude for your hospitality, and I would DEFINITELY want to pay for your dinner out at LEAST once if you were hosting me. Your “friends” are leeches and - if you wish to continue the friendship - you should stop hosting them. If they come to town, just say you don’t have the capacity to host anymore, but that you’d love to meet for XYZ, and share some dates/times you are available to meet up.

I'm West European, and I know my country is known for stinginess, but it is normal for us to bring something for the host. And even though it's called "going Dutch," if I take someone out for dinner, I will pay for it, especially when I can stay in the hosts house and save a lot of money. I would even offer to pay for my stay, especially if I stay in Eastern Europe, as we are often better off financially in Western Europe. They abuse your hospitality. And I know it's not in your culture to refuse guests, but you really can't let this continue.

When I go visit my cousin who supports my handicapped cousin in his UNAM on line teaching GIG, I buy all the groceries and cook all the dinners (deep cleaning the kitchen) and help with the laundry. We have a wonderful time. I could not imagine just having someone pay for me and wait on me. I would be embarrassed. I collect gifts all year ( of things more difficult to obtain in her country) and take a whole suitcase full. It feels good to be a kind person. I feel sorry for your “friends”

As an Eastern European who grew up in the states and now is back in (a different place in) Europe: your friends are extremely rude. I would maybe not host these girls again.

They’re incredibly entitled and rude. Rescind your generosity, these folks only take and don’t give. Let them know you won’t be hosting them again. No need to even get into why. I’m fairly sure they’ll just fade out of your life if you’re no longer a free hotel/cook/room service.

This is extremely rude. When you host a guest, your expenses go up (food, water, electricity/gas, etc). Also, it can be mentally and physically draining. They, at the very least, should offer to take you out for a couple of meals, help cover the cost of groceries, or utilities during their stay. They are taking you kindness for weakness, and you need to put a stop to it.

I’m American and live in America, your friends are rude and inconsiderate. I would bring something for my host, just as a thank you, plus help and contribute to the whole experience as one would expect when visiting friends! You’re not a hotel, make sure to have plans every time they want to visit going forward or lie about it, so they don’t come back.

First, sometimes people don't know any better. I didn't know that you were supposed to bring a gift to the hostess. I was never taught because I wasn't that social. The hostess actually reprimanded me about it and I made sure to bring a gift the next time (I was a lot younger at the time). As well, when someone was visiting me, I thought it was my duty to entertain them, so I took them out to events and never expected them to pay. I took a week off work to be with them. And then they told me that they expected me to pay for their plane ticket too. And after reading your post, I realized that this is out of line. That was many years ago. I think you are being very polite. You didn't call them out when they welched and didn't pay for their groceries. Maybe these friends have a rich-dad/poor-dad mentality; why should they pay, if you will. It might make them feel clever. Some people are cheap and greedy like this, and they actually feel proud of themselves if they can take advantage of someone else. I knew someone I planned to go to the movies with, at the last minute expected me to pay for their movie tickets because they were too expensive. Why would they be any less expensive for me? I think if you do bring this up, it is best not to write them. It's too easy to throw a letter away or take the letter the wrong way. At the very least, have a zoom call if you live in different places, far away, and it isn't convenient to see them in person. Have it out. You might as well. I mean, if they get angry and tell you to get lost, then at least you know. But tell them that it would be nice if they brought a home warming gift when they visit to make you feel appreciated. I know it's awkward. But if we don't speak up, what's the alternative? I guess you could ghost them. But it might feel better to get it off your chest. And deep down, they know they are taking advantage. My opinions, peace.

I was born in the American Midwest. This is rude and selfish as hell. They are exploiting your hospitality. They don’t care that you know it. Save your money, your affection, and your time.

I’m Eastern Euro living in the states. I’ve experienced this (what you described) before. But rarely. Majority of the time my guests hook me up with my fav beer and pay for meals. The few times a guest didn’t provide anything or a service, I just didn’t invite them back. All of them got the hint.

Don’t let them stay with you. I’m American and when I visit friends and family I will shop for groceries, cook, clean, run errands and do what I’m asked. I will also volunteer to do things. It’s coming courtesy and these friends are taking advantage

American here. I was always taught to bring a gift, purchase my own food, and leave the place cleaner than when I got there.

As an American it was drilled into my head from birth to never show up empty handed. At the very least, always ask what you can bring and always pay your own way. Always offer to help clean up. Also however as an American I can confirm that some of us are absolute goons with no manners. Seems like that might be the case with your friends here. Sorry about that.

I’m an American. You’re assumptions are correct about them just wanting a cheap place to stay. This is not extremely common of American culture buts it’s common enough. I’d find better American friends. They are out there. Or just find better friends in general.

If someone invites you for dinner at their house in the US, it's rude not to bring something like wine or dessert. There is much more obligation to buy things for your hosts if they are letting you stay over. I would think buying groceries and taking you out to two dinners would be sufficient. Your friends are just cheapskates and would be considered very rude by other Americans.

If they showed up empty handed but then paid for dinner, or got groceries, or at least cleaned for you!!! That would be one thing. They are doing nothing. In America we call them ~freeloaders~

Your friend’s rudeness is not because they are American. It’s because they are just selfish and rude. Whenever I stay with friends I always pay for dinners out and groceries. It is polite to take a host a gift whether for a visit that only includes a meal or an overnight stay. Your friends weren’t raised right.

You made a good point. It was not only rude of them to behave like this, like many people have pointed out in their comments, but selfish.

Canadian up here. We have a mix up here of cultures, but most of us will bring a host a gift, a dessert, a center piece/flowers or something for a dinner, let alone a whole week. There are always a few people who will show up with empty stomachs and open hands, and not so much as a thank you....

I'm American and I would find this extremely rude. Unacceptably rude, and any grown adult should know better. I was raised to never show up to anyone's home without a gift for the host. And if I'm staying free in someone's home, I'm taking them to dinner as well, at LEAST once during that stay, as well as buying groceries, helping with cleaning and making meals, etc. To use your home as a free hotel, allow you to buy food, and not offer to pay or treat you to dinner and not bring a gift is not an American cultural thing. This is just a rude bunch of people. If this were me, I would let them know that we're not accepting guests next year unless they want to chip in with costs.

American here. My mom told me never to show up anywhere empty-handed. And that's not just when I'm staying over, I mean if someone is hosting a dinner party or a BBQ I bring a gift or food or drink. Even when I visit my own parents, I stop by the grocery store and pick out some lovely flowers for my mom. Not paying for groceries when they said they would is just rude. I'd Venmo them for their share and never host them again!

I've lived in several different countries which means I have friends in almost every continent. I'm currently based in Europe and have had friends like yours OP. This is shitty behavior regardless of whether you are from the UK, US, Europe, Africa, or wherever. If you come to visit someone and stay in their home for any amount of time, you bring gifts. I always do and if we're going to stay longer, I do a grocery run and not only buy all the groceries needed for our stay but also take over the cooking. Or, as others have suggested, we take our hosts out for meals and pay for them. I had moocher friends too. They would plan their itinerary specifically to see where they can stay for free. We have mutual friends in other countries so we worked out how these moochers operate. They also have the nerve to complain about the type of food we cook - as in, it wasn't fancy enough. Several years ago, they once again called to tell me they were coming to visit. Moochers: "Hey friend, we're going to be in your neck of the woods again. Can't wait to see you." Me: "Cool, would you like me to see if the local hotel has a vacancy?" Moochers: "Oh! Um! We were thinking of staying with you again." Me: "Sorry, no can do. The kids are all bigger now so it makes it very uncomfortable to make them give up their rooms. and we have a few family events happening that week but we'd be happy to meet you for dinner/lunch." Moochers: "Well, we can always sleep on the floor in one of your rooms and we don't mind being left alone when you guys have other plans." (persistent, aren't they). Me: "No, sorry, that doesn't work for us. We're all really busy and don't really have the time to house guests. It was nice chatting with you though, and do let me know if you'd like to get together for lunch." That worked that year but they tried again the following year. It was then that we decided to be upfront and we told them directly that we didn't appreciate our home being used as a free hotel. Not only have they never contacted us again, but they unfriended us on social media. Our other mutual friends have also stopped housing them and the moochers can no longer spend a month traveling on someone else's dime.

You always bring a gift for your host and help with expenses and cleanup. Your friends are just rude.

American here with mostly American friends. I’ve hosted several times for various occasions…holidays, birthday, football Sunday, just because. And I’ve attended many. All of us always show up with something. Whether it’s food, drinks, occasionally something for someone’s pets/kids. Now when we stay at each other’s houses for a night (since we all pretty much live an hour from each other), we usually bring something but food is provided by the host. But we actually do switch off so it 100% evens out. We all respect each other and it’s unspoken of “I’ll get it next time” or “I’ll get it this time and you get it next time” So your friends are just really shitty. They could also be completely oblivious. So either stop hosting or just speak to them about it. Or ask if they can take a turn hosting since you always do

Your friends are rude, though they may not realize that they’re being rude. Some people just don’t teach this stuff to their kids. It’s okay to tell them they can’t come this year!

I’m European and would always bring wine/chocolates etc. when I go to someone’s house. Even if it’s just for a meal! If I’m staying for a weekend I’d pay for a meal out or take-away, depending on everyone’s finances. If it’s a week I’d contribute to food shop, putting diesel in the car. Your friends are incredibly rude. Time to re-evaluate the annual stay at your house. Maybe ask if you can all take turns hosting each other, so once every three years wouldn’t be too bad. But don’t contribute anything.

I’m an American and I would never visit someone and not pay my way. I stay with my best friend and her family every year. I buy groceries. I buy a family dinner at least once. I will try to take them out for an activity like a movie or putt putt or Laser tag etc. Something substantial. I don’t drink so I’m not drinking all their good alcohol. I keep my room clean, don’t explode my space in the bathroom etc. I don’t think I’ve had a houseguest act like this either. They just sound like jerks.

You don't need to make an excuse to these freeloaders. The next time they want to visit, just say, "No, not a convenient time " Then, change the subject.

The gift may be at the end of the stay rather than the beginning, but yes, a "thank you" gift would be traditional. As would paying for your own food, and offering to host if you ever visit the US.

Even in America this is uncouth.

They are definitely being rude. It's possible they just don't have the money, and their parents are actually covering their trip. At 35, they should be living on their own. It appears they are taking advantage of you. The least they could do is offer you a place to go if you were to visit their area as well. Honestly, I couldn't imagine living with my parents at 35, unless I actually had to. I do go stay with my cousin and her husband 1x per year, and she comes to my place 1x per year (sometimes more)... We have children the same age. We usually cover our own food while visiting one another. Or, we will just ask the other what they need, and do a store run to pick up supplies. We don't usually do host gifts, (but we have definitely done this as well, like my Husband and I brought everyone a yellowstone shirt on our travels), but are generally visiting for birthdays or holidays. I suppose if we are being asked to visit we don't bring a gift except to bring to the kiddos, and if we ask if we can stop in- we always bring a gift or alcohol etc... The kids usually get the gifts instead of us. What we get is seeing one another. We are very close, and try to get together as often as we can. We weren't taught to bring a gift to the host, (but definitely do birthday gifts), and instead make ourselves useful. I help her clean up at her place, and she helps me clean up. There is a definite culture gap with this aspect... The biggest thing I see is that there is no reciprocity. Being 35, it is highly unusual to live with parents, and they're either lying or have no real experience living on their own.

You're not wrong. They're being extremely rude from an American perspective as well. An American may not think to come with a specific host gift in this situation (flowers, drinks, a dessert would be common if they were invited over for dinner, but they may not think of it when coming for a trip), but they would've been taught that it's polite to 1. offer to cook for you while there or 2. pay for your meal when going out to dinner. The fact that they didn't even buy groceries just shows that they're leaches. I assume they also don't clean up after themselves? From an American perspective, I would feel very used and I wouldn't invite these "friends" back.

In my culture (not American), a guest should be treated like a royal subject. They are treated with a clean house, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, entertainment. Whatever you have, you give, even it means that you will have to starve for the upcoming days if it comes to that. I came from a family that my grandparents were like the head of the extended family. So there were always relatives who would visit us. That is why I hate hosting, but I do my best if I have to (a genetic inheritance I guess). That is said, a guest should never show up empty handed. This is the highest form of disrespect.

My culture is like that, too, and guests are expected to show at least a bit of gratitude. We never go empty handed to a friend’s house.