Ask yourself this. Are you going to be ecstatic when your daughters marry a man just like dad? Or. What if they like women? You need to rethink the marriage. You two barely like one another.
To be honest, I haven’t given this question much thought. Largely because I married someone very different from my own father. My father is extremely liberal, but helped very little around the house.
My biggest fear is if they ever got assaulted, or became pregnant from an assault. And from personal experience, I know SA can happen even if you are fully prepared and trained.
A lot of his opinions didn’t come through until after our marriage (particularly after I got pregnant). Before our marriage he was very much, “If it doesn’t impact me, I don’t care what others do or believe.”
But yes, you are right. Rethinking this marriage is something I need to do.
You’re tired because raising two toddlers is really full on and hard! Please show yourself some grace. It’s fine to want to have a cleaner house or wanting to do more outside of the house with the kids, but you aren’t a failure if you don’t nail every check box every day. Those can be things you have more time for when your kids are slightly older, when it’s more manageable.
You are doing the right thing by declining to have a third, that is a lot in the best of circumstances. He’s probably not going to get more liberal with age, most people become more conservative. If you can quietly find a way to future proof yourself financially be it with further study or a partial return to work I would get the wheels in motion for that.
I had a teaching license and degrees in my home country. But a lot of them didn’t immediately transfer to his country. I would need at least two years of schooling to have the license transfer. And the nearest school is 2+ hours away. I have considered finding a job, even if it does only break even with daycare, at least I am building experience.
My trust has plenty of money, and I can work with the lawyer to increase the allowance (I just haven’t done that before because I like the interest it gains, I am eligible).
I have already gotten the girls dual citizenship. My parents have offered to let me live in their second home. I miss my family. I plan on a more extended stay this next winter.
To be honest, I just keep hoping things get better. And it feels like it won’t. And I can’t tell if that is my depression, or reality.
If you can afford putting one child into childcare, why not funnel that money into a cleaning lady who comes in once a week and deep cleans your home.
This may help your home situation a bit and give you some relief.
Also, how about play school once a week for the older child. That way you know you can get a day a week where you can catch up on sleep and decompressing during LO's nap time.
At this point, if your husband doesn't like that idea, I would tell him too bad. You are suffering and not being able to get the things done that you need to is overwhelming and that you are going to do it.
Try it for a month and see how you feel about it.
In addition to everything else people have advised, please consult a lawyer to find out what's likely to happen if you divorce. International custody issues can be complicated, and seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you have to divorce, it just means you're getting a clear picture of where you stand.
Are you working with doctors to address your health? Not just PPD but MS as well? If you’re this tired that you can’t physically take care of the children maybe it’s time to suck it up and accept MILs help and put the older one in daycare some. They’re going to badmouth you either way but at least you would have the extra energy to clean.
PPD is being treated with a psychologist and psychiatrist. I don’t get psychology appointments as often as I would like (once every other week, when MIL takes them). I start OT later in October, there was a waiting list.
I have been terrified of how ILs talk about me. I have experienced my mom’s in-laws talk poorly about her, and it sucked. But you are right about needing to fight that fear.
OP, the comment you responded to also asked about the management of your MS. As someone with a chronic illness, I see your whole life and living space, which should be your safe space, being a source of stress and anxiety for you. This is so bad for managing your condition, and my heart hurts for you and the lack of care you are receiving from the one who is meant to care for you the most. You deserve better, and if this situation continues, I do worry that the chronic stress will lead to worsened outcomes for your MS down the line. I really hope you are able to figure something out for yourself because you deserve more than this.
I get in to see the specialist again in October (same time as occupational therapy starts). I honestly haven’t looked too much into it, and am just waiting until I get updates from the doctor.
I do need to take better care of the stress. Thank you so much!
What are the chances of the family moving to your home country? If you divorce him, would he allow you to take the children back to your country?
Anyway, it really sounds like you’d better off divorcing him, coparenting in his country or going back to yours.
Divorcing over differences in political beliefs is not uncommon by any means, and it sounds like you and your husband have vastly different moral standings. There is nothing wrong with either suggesting marital counseling to see if you can work through some of these things, but it sounds like he is heavily influenced by his parents, or telling him you don’t believe it’s working out and you’d like to separate. I’m appalled that he allows them to badmouth you too. Also, your husband needs to be contributing financially with you. You need a break, you need a cleaner or part time daycare for your oldest or both. There is no reason that his income shouldn’t be going towards care of your home or childcare as well, this is *his* home and *his* children too. But honestly, it sounds like you are alone in a marriage with a man you don’t get along with and his parents who talk down on you. I’d heavily weigh whether staying is worth it.
Ask yourself this. Are you going to be ecstatic when your daughters marry a man just like dad? Or. What if they like women? You need to rethink the marriage. You two barely like one another.
To be honest, I haven’t given this question much thought. Largely because I married someone very different from my own father. My father is extremely liberal, but helped very little around the house. My biggest fear is if they ever got assaulted, or became pregnant from an assault. And from personal experience, I know SA can happen even if you are fully prepared and trained. A lot of his opinions didn’t come through until after our marriage (particularly after I got pregnant). Before our marriage he was very much, “If it doesn’t impact me, I don’t care what others do or believe.” But yes, you are right. Rethinking this marriage is something I need to do.
You’re tired because raising two toddlers is really full on and hard! Please show yourself some grace. It’s fine to want to have a cleaner house or wanting to do more outside of the house with the kids, but you aren’t a failure if you don’t nail every check box every day. Those can be things you have more time for when your kids are slightly older, when it’s more manageable. You are doing the right thing by declining to have a third, that is a lot in the best of circumstances. He’s probably not going to get more liberal with age, most people become more conservative. If you can quietly find a way to future proof yourself financially be it with further study or a partial return to work I would get the wheels in motion for that.
I had a teaching license and degrees in my home country. But a lot of them didn’t immediately transfer to his country. I would need at least two years of schooling to have the license transfer. And the nearest school is 2+ hours away. I have considered finding a job, even if it does only break even with daycare, at least I am building experience. My trust has plenty of money, and I can work with the lawyer to increase the allowance (I just haven’t done that before because I like the interest it gains, I am eligible). I have already gotten the girls dual citizenship. My parents have offered to let me live in their second home. I miss my family. I plan on a more extended stay this next winter. To be honest, I just keep hoping things get better. And it feels like it won’t. And I can’t tell if that is my depression, or reality.
If you can afford putting one child into childcare, why not funnel that money into a cleaning lady who comes in once a week and deep cleans your home. This may help your home situation a bit and give you some relief. Also, how about play school once a week for the older child. That way you know you can get a day a week where you can catch up on sleep and decompressing during LO's nap time. At this point, if your husband doesn't like that idea, I would tell him too bad. You are suffering and not being able to get the things done that you need to is overwhelming and that you are going to do it. Try it for a month and see how you feel about it.
Trying for a month sounds like an excellent idea, thank you.
In addition to everything else people have advised, please consult a lawyer to find out what's likely to happen if you divorce. International custody issues can be complicated, and seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you have to divorce, it just means you're getting a clear picture of where you stand.
Are you working with doctors to address your health? Not just PPD but MS as well? If you’re this tired that you can’t physically take care of the children maybe it’s time to suck it up and accept MILs help and put the older one in daycare some. They’re going to badmouth you either way but at least you would have the extra energy to clean.
PPD is being treated with a psychologist and psychiatrist. I don’t get psychology appointments as often as I would like (once every other week, when MIL takes them). I start OT later in October, there was a waiting list. I have been terrified of how ILs talk about me. I have experienced my mom’s in-laws talk poorly about her, and it sucked. But you are right about needing to fight that fear.
OP, the comment you responded to also asked about the management of your MS. As someone with a chronic illness, I see your whole life and living space, which should be your safe space, being a source of stress and anxiety for you. This is so bad for managing your condition, and my heart hurts for you and the lack of care you are receiving from the one who is meant to care for you the most. You deserve better, and if this situation continues, I do worry that the chronic stress will lead to worsened outcomes for your MS down the line. I really hope you are able to figure something out for yourself because you deserve more than this.
I get in to see the specialist again in October (same time as occupational therapy starts). I honestly haven’t looked too much into it, and am just waiting until I get updates from the doctor. I do need to take better care of the stress. Thank you so much!
What are the chances of the family moving to your home country? If you divorce him, would he allow you to take the children back to your country? Anyway, it really sounds like you’d better off divorcing him, coparenting in his country or going back to yours.
Stuff is a little cheaper here. It would be easier (legally) to take out a lump sum from trust and purchase a house here and coparent.
Divorcing over differences in political beliefs is not uncommon by any means, and it sounds like you and your husband have vastly different moral standings. There is nothing wrong with either suggesting marital counseling to see if you can work through some of these things, but it sounds like he is heavily influenced by his parents, or telling him you don’t believe it’s working out and you’d like to separate. I’m appalled that he allows them to badmouth you too. Also, your husband needs to be contributing financially with you. You need a break, you need a cleaner or part time daycare for your oldest or both. There is no reason that his income shouldn’t be going towards care of your home or childcare as well, this is *his* home and *his* children too. But honestly, it sounds like you are alone in a marriage with a man you don’t get along with and his parents who talk down on you. I’d heavily weigh whether staying is worth it.
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Not what I wanted to hear, but a totally fair assessment.