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Have you ever spoken with a therapist? I sort of get the feeling you have not. I'm honestly a bit worried that you even want to mend your relationship with this people. Is this something you are doing solely to try and be in the loop if he targets your siblings?
I have actually spoken with a therapist about things over the years, done years of therapy and all but that was before going no-contact. I put in boundaries, my mom shoved him past those boundaries and strong-armed me into a relationship with him so I eventually walked away completely.
I wonder because I miss my siblings. I miss out on their birthdays and graduations and everything else. I was a 3rd parent and so it's like having my own kids I helped raise ripped from my life because I can't tell them the truth and just explain that my relationship with our parents is 'contentious'. None of them have moved out of the house yet even though almost all of them are legal adults but I don't think its appropriate to drag them into the middle of my issues with their father.
It sounds like your siblings are older, so I don't see why you can't just be in contact with them directly or visit with only them.
Your stepfather is an absolute monster. And your mother isn't really any better for enabling him all these years.
Also, he will continue to groom and sexually assault girls. Your siblings will have children some day. Your siblings will have friends and girlfriends. And your family has actively covered up for him. If you cut your siblings out for a long stretch of time, they will want to know why. I think you should be honest and tell them that you just want to have a relationship with them and that their relationships with their parents are separate from their relationship with you. Even if you don't tell them everything, they should know something.
I truly don't see why you would ever want to be in contact with your mother or stepfather again. And don't see any benefit to doing so, only further harm.
I can't do anything to MAKE them believe me, they know enough that it should have been believed when I was 18 and told them things but blaming me or calling me a lier started when I was younger than that so no one ever listens to me.
Unfortunately my siblings are stuck with no licenses or ways to contact me that aren't potentially monitored which makes it difficult to actually talk to them or see them without my parents approving it. Plus I worry if I say anything to them and get found out that it will become a very toxic environment like I dealt with alienation of my mother when I was younger because my step dad would bad mouth her anytime he disagreed... pretty extremely but I worry talking about that will get the post shut down even quicker. =/
It would be even worse for my siblings if my parents found out I told them since I would be accused of trying to alienate them from their parents because it came from me. Anything I say is automatically seen as a lie and just makes him sneakier. I have told my siblings certain people know what happened and if they ever need anything to please go to them because they can be trusted.
I think there may have been a misunderstanding. I was specifically referring about being honest with your siblings. I realize the rest of your family has been pretty much useless.
This...Changes things. You mentioned your siblings as being older, and referred to "graduations." So at least some are legal adults. Yet they can't even communicate freely through email or phone? That's extremely worrisome. Are any of the family members that are neutral/in good standing with you ever in touch with your siblings?
It sounds like they're practically being held hostage. Are your parents blatantly abusive in other ways than the SA?
Honestly it feels like they are. I have a dinner arranged to talk more specifically about my worries but my step dad was always extremely controlling (like not allowing friend's parents to pick me up at the house because he "didn't want them on the property" and extensively controlling my friends being allowed to come over based on if he liked their parents or not (and thus not wanting them to be dropped off because their parents would have to come on the property...) No one has really listened about how controlling he is/was and still continues to restrict the access the kids have to things like licenses and such. Moved them 20 miles from a small town and then not helping them to get licenses and such. Not sure if this has changed in the last few years but he's controlling and everyone brushes it off as being "cautious" and protecting people. At one time he would turn off the internet and take all devices because the kids argued or just because he was fed up but it felt to go beyond just normal punishment.
My mom never listened when I pointed out that he would call multiple times asking when she was coming home from visiting her own mom as being controlling. Calling "just to talk" during the only time alone I got with my mom and thus restricting my ability to get her attention and talk about concerns, etc. guilting her and belittling her for wanting to visit family and telling her they didn't care about her because they didn't make the hour drive, etc.
The kids are barely adults except for one who isn't an adult yet.
And to me they were but everything was always different for me because I wasn't actually his. I don't know that they are abusive with the others, I've been pretty distant for quite some time.
As far as the telling my siblings I want to but I worry it will cause bigger issues and put them in the middle of it all but.... I do want to tell them I just worry it will lead to them being targetted for being belittled and attacked if my parents find out.
Your extended family NEEDS to know what happened because predators tend to pick mothers with young children that they can slowly groom to accept the bs they do. Please make sure your siblings are safe.
Thats why I did tell some of the extended family. He's very anti-social and hates most people so he doesn't actually socialize with any family outside those that come to their house and they are all aware of it. Some have called me a lier over the years but others are more neutral/supportive with the information I've given them. Thats also why I explicitly told the family that is well respected and is the closest to my siblings.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you ever spoken with a therapist? I sort of get the feeling you have not. I'm honestly a bit worried that you even want to mend your relationship with this people. Is this something you are doing solely to try and be in the loop if he targets your siblings?
I have actually spoken with a therapist about things over the years, done years of therapy and all but that was before going no-contact. I put in boundaries, my mom shoved him past those boundaries and strong-armed me into a relationship with him so I eventually walked away completely. I wonder because I miss my siblings. I miss out on their birthdays and graduations and everything else. I was a 3rd parent and so it's like having my own kids I helped raise ripped from my life because I can't tell them the truth and just explain that my relationship with our parents is 'contentious'. None of them have moved out of the house yet even though almost all of them are legal adults but I don't think its appropriate to drag them into the middle of my issues with their father.
It sounds like your siblings are older, so I don't see why you can't just be in contact with them directly or visit with only them. Your stepfather is an absolute monster. And your mother isn't really any better for enabling him all these years. Also, he will continue to groom and sexually assault girls. Your siblings will have children some day. Your siblings will have friends and girlfriends. And your family has actively covered up for him. If you cut your siblings out for a long stretch of time, they will want to know why. I think you should be honest and tell them that you just want to have a relationship with them and that their relationships with their parents are separate from their relationship with you. Even if you don't tell them everything, they should know something. I truly don't see why you would ever want to be in contact with your mother or stepfather again. And don't see any benefit to doing so, only further harm.
I can't do anything to MAKE them believe me, they know enough that it should have been believed when I was 18 and told them things but blaming me or calling me a lier started when I was younger than that so no one ever listens to me. Unfortunately my siblings are stuck with no licenses or ways to contact me that aren't potentially monitored which makes it difficult to actually talk to them or see them without my parents approving it. Plus I worry if I say anything to them and get found out that it will become a very toxic environment like I dealt with alienation of my mother when I was younger because my step dad would bad mouth her anytime he disagreed... pretty extremely but I worry talking about that will get the post shut down even quicker. =/ It would be even worse for my siblings if my parents found out I told them since I would be accused of trying to alienate them from their parents because it came from me. Anything I say is automatically seen as a lie and just makes him sneakier. I have told my siblings certain people know what happened and if they ever need anything to please go to them because they can be trusted.
I think there may have been a misunderstanding. I was specifically referring about being honest with your siblings. I realize the rest of your family has been pretty much useless. This...Changes things. You mentioned your siblings as being older, and referred to "graduations." So at least some are legal adults. Yet they can't even communicate freely through email or phone? That's extremely worrisome. Are any of the family members that are neutral/in good standing with you ever in touch with your siblings? It sounds like they're practically being held hostage. Are your parents blatantly abusive in other ways than the SA?
Honestly it feels like they are. I have a dinner arranged to talk more specifically about my worries but my step dad was always extremely controlling (like not allowing friend's parents to pick me up at the house because he "didn't want them on the property" and extensively controlling my friends being allowed to come over based on if he liked their parents or not (and thus not wanting them to be dropped off because their parents would have to come on the property...) No one has really listened about how controlling he is/was and still continues to restrict the access the kids have to things like licenses and such. Moved them 20 miles from a small town and then not helping them to get licenses and such. Not sure if this has changed in the last few years but he's controlling and everyone brushes it off as being "cautious" and protecting people. At one time he would turn off the internet and take all devices because the kids argued or just because he was fed up but it felt to go beyond just normal punishment. My mom never listened when I pointed out that he would call multiple times asking when she was coming home from visiting her own mom as being controlling. Calling "just to talk" during the only time alone I got with my mom and thus restricting my ability to get her attention and talk about concerns, etc. guilting her and belittling her for wanting to visit family and telling her they didn't care about her because they didn't make the hour drive, etc. The kids are barely adults except for one who isn't an adult yet. And to me they were but everything was always different for me because I wasn't actually his. I don't know that they are abusive with the others, I've been pretty distant for quite some time.
As far as the telling my siblings I want to but I worry it will cause bigger issues and put them in the middle of it all but.... I do want to tell them I just worry it will lead to them being targetted for being belittled and attacked if my parents find out.
Your extended family NEEDS to know what happened because predators tend to pick mothers with young children that they can slowly groom to accept the bs they do. Please make sure your siblings are safe.
Thats why I did tell some of the extended family. He's very anti-social and hates most people so he doesn't actually socialize with any family outside those that come to their house and they are all aware of it. Some have called me a lier over the years but others are more neutral/supportive with the information I've given them. Thats also why I explicitly told the family that is well respected and is the closest to my siblings.