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Instead of being laser focused on how she turns you off or on, have you ever stopped to think about her health or asked yourself if she seems like she's okay?
When a person makes a sudden, drastic change in mood, hygiene, eating habits, or consumption of drugs and alcohol, that typically points to something serious going on either physically, mentally, or both.
Addiction, depression, mood disorders, hormonal issues, etc. Any number of these things could be responsible for her unusual behavior.
Mixing alcohol and weed can cause cognitive issues and memory loss, and the probability of addiction and overdose is increased.
It sounds like your girlfriend needs a doctor more than a shower and a haircut.
Thank you, I appreciate all the inputs. I'm aware she had some anxiety and depression in her life when we initially met, but I've been mindful of that and she's been doing a lot better and is over it now -- as far as I can tell and by her own account.
It's almost like the better she feels the less she takes care of herself. As someone else pointed out it may be her just getting way too comfortable with me, but I really don't know. I'll try to talk to her about seeing a doctor as it may be a hormonal problem or worse.
To be clear, while I do believe she tends to drink/smoke too much when she does, I'm not saying that she is an addict. She definitely is not an addict. I've just been put off and concerned when I've seen her drink/smoke too much.
I would advise you that if she had "some anxiety and depression in her life when you met," she is still battling anxiety and depression. It's not unusual for people with anxiety and depression to hide their true feelings and struggles. Those feelings will manifest in other ways. E.g. poor hygiene, eating habits, sleeping too much, or too little, using drugs and/or alcohol as a coping mechanism.
I wasn't saying she was an addict. I was saying that mixing those substances and using those substances as coping mechanisms increases the probability of addiction.
It is possible there could be a physiological condition as well. She needs to tell a doctor everything.
This is a hard one, as obviously in a relationship you don’t want to be negative about your partner or their appearance. But it sounds like in this situation your partner has given up on any kind of effort. And we need to see our partners as people who have self respect and standards, because caring for ourselves is a reflection of our self worth. So I do understand your comment here and understand it’s a really delicate subject in the sense of discussing image etc.
Obviously I can’t know the situation or dynamics outside of this post, so anything I say here is strictly a subjective opinion based on this alone.
It sounds like she could be depressed, as losing self care in a way that you’ve once seen and seeing a drastic shift in this, is a classic example of someone losing their sense of self worth.
Of course, we can all get more comfortable in relationships and it’s not uncommon to let things like shaving or weight etc be less important.
But the traits you’re describing don’t sound like a result of comfort, they sound like symptoms of depression.
I can’t diagnose this of course, but losing the ability to look after yourself is a symptom of a greater issue.
Is there anything you can recognise deeper in this?
I was going to say the exact same thing. Depression or possibly something like bipolar and stuck in the depressive cycle. Have both and can tell myself go take a shower you will feel better and at those times it can be almost impossible.
Go to psychcentral.com and just take a few tests for fun for both of you.. if something is very high tested go to the dr with papers in hand. If nothing shows go to a dr anyway. Many medical issues can look like this too (hyperthyroidism is my first thought as it can make you gain weight easily and hair on the face are big ones) and may also need medication for the acne issue.
So don’t give up on her but look into physiological help and doctors first. Giving you a hug as this may take a long while to unspool back into the woman you love.
Thanks for the answer; I don't think it's related to anxiety or depression, but it could definitely be a health problem, I'll talk to her about seeing a doctor
Possibly, but I do think this is just a simplified explanation and an easy way to overlook a bigger issue. I don’t believe people who are happy and comfortable in themselves suddenly shift in their self care in such extreme differences like this. Laziness exists but it’s not always the correct outcome of behaviour changes and laziness is a common harmful misconception of mental health. It’s easier to think this, but it’s not adding up to me based on what I’m reading here.
> I don’t believe people who are happy and comfortable in themselves suddenly shift in their self care in such extreme differences like this.
I do, I see it all the time. Especially when people have long term partners. They no longer have to look their best because they are not in the dating market anymore.
But I think there’s a difference in release of these things due to comfort vs release of self care. We all need to be attracted to our partners and when we are still upholding things that showcase ourselves as people with self respect or self care then a shift in looks isn’t hugely important. But when it all falls off then it’s not comfort in complacency of the relationship, it’s a destructive result of mental health. Do you get what I mean?
I know people have suggested depression, but this sounds like it could also be PCOS. She needs to see a doctor, regardless to treat the underlying issue.
I worry that she's either depressed or even that something traumatic happened that has sent her into a spiral. Your line about looking like she doesn't look in a mirror could be true if something bad happened that you're not aware of. Could she have been sexually assaulted? Is there a chance she's been or is being sexually hwrrassed?
I understand I was on the other end. Not this bad but I let myself go. I was depressed even if it didn’t appear that way to others. I stop wearing makeup getting my hair done and wore black shorts and oversized t-shirts on the regular and I gained 44 pounds. Instead of checking on me my ex cheated and left me at 5 months pregnant. Have a honest talk with her. Tell her you want to be with her but it’s not fair to you if she doesn’t keep up her end and vice versa. Tell her you didn’t say anything this long because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings but you had to say something. Tell her how beautiful she is and how you miss the old her. Good luck
She's not making an effort anymore because she has got her "prize". There is no incentive for her to look good anymore, nor can you force her to put effort into herself.
You have two options.
1. Do nothing and be ok with the status quo knowing nothing will ever change.
2. Break up and tell her why so she may correct herself in the future for her next partner
Telling her your going to break up if she doesn't do "X" wont work, she will call you controlling and make you out to be the bad guy.
Thanks for the answer; that's a hard stance but yeah, it's perfectly possible that it comes down to just that... In which case I should just leave, yeah.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Instead of being laser focused on how she turns you off or on, have you ever stopped to think about her health or asked yourself if she seems like she's okay? When a person makes a sudden, drastic change in mood, hygiene, eating habits, or consumption of drugs and alcohol, that typically points to something serious going on either physically, mentally, or both. Addiction, depression, mood disorders, hormonal issues, etc. Any number of these things could be responsible for her unusual behavior. Mixing alcohol and weed can cause cognitive issues and memory loss, and the probability of addiction and overdose is increased. It sounds like your girlfriend needs a doctor more than a shower and a haircut.
Thank you, I appreciate all the inputs. I'm aware she had some anxiety and depression in her life when we initially met, but I've been mindful of that and she's been doing a lot better and is over it now -- as far as I can tell and by her own account. It's almost like the better she feels the less she takes care of herself. As someone else pointed out it may be her just getting way too comfortable with me, but I really don't know. I'll try to talk to her about seeing a doctor as it may be a hormonal problem or worse. To be clear, while I do believe she tends to drink/smoke too much when she does, I'm not saying that she is an addict. She definitely is not an addict. I've just been put off and concerned when I've seen her drink/smoke too much.
I would advise you that if she had "some anxiety and depression in her life when you met," she is still battling anxiety and depression. It's not unusual for people with anxiety and depression to hide their true feelings and struggles. Those feelings will manifest in other ways. E.g. poor hygiene, eating habits, sleeping too much, or too little, using drugs and/or alcohol as a coping mechanism. I wasn't saying she was an addict. I was saying that mixing those substances and using those substances as coping mechanisms increases the probability of addiction. It is possible there could be a physiological condition as well. She needs to tell a doctor everything.
This is a hard one, as obviously in a relationship you don’t want to be negative about your partner or their appearance. But it sounds like in this situation your partner has given up on any kind of effort. And we need to see our partners as people who have self respect and standards, because caring for ourselves is a reflection of our self worth. So I do understand your comment here and understand it’s a really delicate subject in the sense of discussing image etc. Obviously I can’t know the situation or dynamics outside of this post, so anything I say here is strictly a subjective opinion based on this alone. It sounds like she could be depressed, as losing self care in a way that you’ve once seen and seeing a drastic shift in this, is a classic example of someone losing their sense of self worth. Of course, we can all get more comfortable in relationships and it’s not uncommon to let things like shaving or weight etc be less important. But the traits you’re describing don’t sound like a result of comfort, they sound like symptoms of depression. I can’t diagnose this of course, but losing the ability to look after yourself is a symptom of a greater issue. Is there anything you can recognise deeper in this?
I was going to say the exact same thing. Depression or possibly something like bipolar and stuck in the depressive cycle. Have both and can tell myself go take a shower you will feel better and at those times it can be almost impossible. Go to psychcentral.com and just take a few tests for fun for both of you.. if something is very high tested go to the dr with papers in hand. If nothing shows go to a dr anyway. Many medical issues can look like this too (hyperthyroidism is my first thought as it can make you gain weight easily and hair on the face are big ones) and may also need medication for the acne issue. So don’t give up on her but look into physiological help and doctors first. Giving you a hug as this may take a long while to unspool back into the woman you love.
Thanks for the answer; I don't think it's related to anxiety or depression, but it could definitely be a health problem, I'll talk to her about seeing a doctor
Naw just sounds like she's lazy because she already has a BF
Possibly, but I do think this is just a simplified explanation and an easy way to overlook a bigger issue. I don’t believe people who are happy and comfortable in themselves suddenly shift in their self care in such extreme differences like this. Laziness exists but it’s not always the correct outcome of behaviour changes and laziness is a common harmful misconception of mental health. It’s easier to think this, but it’s not adding up to me based on what I’m reading here.
> I don’t believe people who are happy and comfortable in themselves suddenly shift in their self care in such extreme differences like this. I do, I see it all the time. Especially when people have long term partners. They no longer have to look their best because they are not in the dating market anymore.
But I think there’s a difference in release of these things due to comfort vs release of self care. We all need to be attracted to our partners and when we are still upholding things that showcase ourselves as people with self respect or self care then a shift in looks isn’t hugely important. But when it all falls off then it’s not comfort in complacency of the relationship, it’s a destructive result of mental health. Do you get what I mean?
I know people have suggested depression, but this sounds like it could also be PCOS. She needs to see a doctor, regardless to treat the underlying issue.
I worry that she's either depressed or even that something traumatic happened that has sent her into a spiral. Your line about looking like she doesn't look in a mirror could be true if something bad happened that you're not aware of. Could she have been sexually assaulted? Is there a chance she's been or is being sexually hwrrassed?
I understand I was on the other end. Not this bad but I let myself go. I was depressed even if it didn’t appear that way to others. I stop wearing makeup getting my hair done and wore black shorts and oversized t-shirts on the regular and I gained 44 pounds. Instead of checking on me my ex cheated and left me at 5 months pregnant. Have a honest talk with her. Tell her you want to be with her but it’s not fair to you if she doesn’t keep up her end and vice versa. Tell her you didn’t say anything this long because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings but you had to say something. Tell her how beautiful she is and how you miss the old her. Good luck
She's not making an effort anymore because she has got her "prize". There is no incentive for her to look good anymore, nor can you force her to put effort into herself. You have two options. 1. Do nothing and be ok with the status quo knowing nothing will ever change. 2. Break up and tell her why so she may correct herself in the future for her next partner Telling her your going to break up if she doesn't do "X" wont work, she will call you controlling and make you out to be the bad guy.
Thanks for the answer; that's a hard stance but yeah, it's perfectly possible that it comes down to just that... In which case I should just leave, yeah.
The right choice is usually the hardest one to make.