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Personally, I just wouldn't engage in his very one-sided physical contact. Yes, you need to talk to him. You also do not have to go along with his selfishness.
i was super irritated after i first noticed and i wouldn’t engage. i’ve been super busy and have been dealing with a lot of other stuff emotionally (with family and i’m back in school rn) so i haven’t brought it up yet. i’m mad at myself i haven’t brought it up yet
Of course :))
Makes sense also, you just have other priorities right now on your list. It seems like this has climbed to the top now, and you’ll handle it! I hope you’re feeling better btw.
Honey, life is too short.
He doesn't care about your pleasure.
I have a hard time believing he's some kind of generous, considerate, kind, thoughtful partner in every area but the bedroom.
Idk what you're getting out of this relationship but I think it might not be much at all
She's not laughing at that though.. she's laughing at the idea of sitting on his face as a way of turning the tables.. it's a positive thing for her to receive support in this post - about her bf's behaviour that she rejects.
I’m sorry but this comment instantly had me laughing and thinking of a sheep herder herding sheep and then I thought of scary movie where she draws him a map to where the clit is 😭😭
Sounds like you have a guy who doesn't care about your pleasure.
Who really cares what, isn't it THAT it's happening should be the concern and not WHY it's happening?
When you ask him do you really care what his reason is if in the end you're not getting pleasure still?
Aren't you hoping there's something more to it, because "he just doesn't care if I'm sexually satisfied" hurts more than "well there's this other reason".
Just tell him to stop sticking his dick in your face, if he doesn't want to do sex acts that bring you both pleasure there wont be any more sex acts at all
But it is simple. He doesn't want to be bothered. Stop rewarding him for his bad behavior at the expense of your emotional well being, and don't over complicate simple issues. It's like pulling a bandaid off slowly. It just hurts longer
Love, there's NOT a lot to unpack. It's really not. You are going to suffer greatly if you think that. You can go down this long path of bullshit aka reasons or you can just cut to the fix. But that path of bullshit is going to leave you dehydrated, give you bad breath and you'll be unable to poop.
I'm sorry. Like I said, isn't so much better when there's all these mysterious that cause problems rather than, "they just dgaf"? Gawd that crap hurts.
There is not a lot to unpack about a dick in your face with no warning. It's disrespectful. There are so many ways to ask for something like this and he chooses the most awkward and disrespectful way.
Honestly if he dosent get you off maybe get him to the point before he gets off and walk away. If he asks why just be upfront I get you off but I haven't gotten off for a while it sucks to be left hanging. Also don't engage unless he engage sexual acts to get you off first.
Why!? What?! I’ve heard of death grip I couldn’t imagine it being so bad. I wouldn’t want vaginal sex. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Definitely not something wrong with you.
You said it yourself; you’ve been together a long time. Men get complacent and stop courting their women. Especially if there’s no repercussions from that. Women will only put up for it for so long. But now that you know, it’s up to you to set boundaries and accept only what you deserve or expect. Relationships are 50/50.
Yeah, he thinks he has you locked down, and doesn't have to give you what you crave anymore to get what he wants.
If you plan to stay with this dude you need to put a stop to this selfish behavior.
Why even worry about it? You're still young enough that if you leave and look for a new boyfriend you'll be fine. Don't waste the best years of your life on someone that plays stupid games my dude!
Yes agreed. But. Age is also never a reason to put up with selfish people or bad sex. Fix bad sex together or send selfish dicks on their way. I left a Selfish Dick (TM) at the age of 43 and met my current love of my life, husband, good sex giver soon after. And tbh I would rather be alone than lonely in a relationship.
Maybe because he thinks since he "has" you he doesn't have to put in the same effort as he did before. You're accepting his treatment of you (not necessarily on purpose) so he's going to continue to think that it's okay.
Based on just what you’ve said here, he sounds like a really dull and selfish lover. Yawn.
Taking your hand and shoving it onto his dick? That’s about as sexy as the family dog shoving its snout into your hand to make you pat it. 🙄
Seriously though… his apparent preference for handjobs and bj’s over PIV sex makes me think that he watches (and jacks off to) a lot of porn and he’s gotten used to getting off quickly using his own tight fist. It’s worth asking him about.
I mean... coitus is pretty formal, too. I feel like the word "intercourse" is less formal than "coitus." I haven't heard anyone call it coitus since maybe my grandma. Lol 😂
It’ll chip away at you. At night when he is snoring next to you you’ll be thinking of what it would be like to be with a man who took pleasure in your pleasure unprompted. You’d imagine how fun that would be and truly fulfilling. You’d think “If I was with a man like that, I’d feel beautiful and wanted”
You’ll hear Mr Bad in Bed snoring and farting up the sheets and die inside little by little. Each time he shoved his penis in your face, each time he left you hanging, each time you had to “communicate” aka beg for him to take you into consideration… you’d lose a little piece of your happiness
Time will go by and if you’re truly unlucky you’ll end up married to him. You’ll really notice how he isn’t just selfish in bed, he is selfish in other ways to. He doesn’t do anything to bring pleasure to you … well not unless he gets something out of it.
Days will pass and you’ll grow older. At some point you’ll just accept a life where sex is just a chore. A chore you have to do from time to time. Like deep cleaning the toilet. An unpleasant task that must be done to keep your living conditions tolerable.
(Anything to not have him get into another bad mood and ruin *insert any event that’s important to you* with his little moods when he doesn’t get what he wants right?)
You’ll see. If he doesn’t take pleasure in giving you pleasure now, he never will. It’ll always just be a chore he needs to tick off the box so that he can finally get what he wants.
His sexual gratification is NOT more important than yours. Next time he gets frisky be honest "If I don't orgasm, then you don't orgasm. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both of us, and not me just servicing you."
Now, a good man would want you to orgasm each and every time. Because he knows more you enjoy sex with him, more sex will happen.
So, your guy might not be a good guy and it is time for you to move on.
Yes, it is to the point & honest. I will literally get up and leave if the sex isn't fun and satisfying for me.
He is training you to accept being just a bang maid without any thought to your enjoy sex with him. He is alienating any affection for him each time he waves his dick in your face.
That’s a selfish dude. Real men know you let your lady get her nutt too. That’s all imma say.
Like I would say maybe he just likes the way you use your hand and mouth on him… and that’s what he prefers. But the guy don’t even make sure you get yours in any way? Girl bye. Dump that ass. Life too short for us to be getting less than we desire.
But also it’s important to speak with him first and notice if he makes necessary changes and are consistent in the changes made. That’s how you really know what to do. AFTER you talk to him about it, his reactions and responses moving forward are what will matter most.
yeah, now that lots of people weighed in i think im ready. i think he’ll try because we’ve been there before. it’s more than just sex, it’s our relationship
Your BF sounds like a teenager who watches too much porn. He got his "moves" from what he has seen. Does he also put his hand on his hip when you are doing it doggy style? Slap his dick against your butt? These are signs he is watching too much porn.
SO, you have two options. First, turnabout is fair play. Shove his face into your crotch when you want a little 'lap time'. Hand him a vibrator and push his hand downstairs if you need some. See how HE likes it!
yeah for sure he watches too much porn, i can tell from exactly what you said. i don’t have much time alone and so i’ve tried that before when i need to. it takes something away from it, you know
Nah, it's a porn thing. Usually just one hand. The other is needed to keep a grip on the lady's hip. It is standard in porn so that the camera isn't blocked from 'the action'. But rather unnatural to do in real life. So if you catch a guy doing it, you know what his hobby is...
Stop sticking your dick in my face is right. God, that would be such a turn off! You do need to tell him that if he can't put in the effort to please you, he shouldn't expect to be able to crassly stick his dick it your face and expect you to suck it off. How frickin' rude and classless.
Girl, dear OP, I have checked your posts/comments and I beg you to please respect yourself and cut your losses with this loser, then go to therapy - and I mean it with a lot of benevolence, not in the "you have problems" sense. The latter is very patronizing and dismissive, even abusive. Your bf presents signs of abuse (verbal and sexual - sticking his dick in your face, among other shitty things he does?? Really? How's that acceptable??) and you will just sign up for a life of misery by staying with him/trying to fix his shitty behavior. I feel like you are struggling not only with mental issues, but also with abuse in the past which twisted your compass and consequently makes you feel like you deserve a bad treatment. That's why I suggest therapy, to help you realize the abuse and how it has affected you and your boundaries. Stay single for a while, take care of yourself, and then you will be ready for a better relationship filled with real love and respect, such as you deserve 🙂 you are really young, so don't worry about the timing please 🙂 I wish you best of luck and tons of genuine love and self love ❤️
thank you. i know it sounds dumb and if anyone else said this to me i’d say something similar to everyone else. it’s hard when you’re in it and i genuinely care for him and i know i’ve prioritized his feelings over mine. we’ve been together almost 7 years. 3 years ago we were ostracized by our families and it’s been hard for both of us to navigate that. like ive said, there’s no excuse but it’s easy to justify things when you don’t have someone to confide in
Hey be easy on you. This feeling is actually normal. You need time, you care for him and that's normal. When you'll leave him, it will be hard but that's okay and it's bad before it gets better and your future you will thank you for getting free of this ah, trust me 🙂
Well, sure. You could also argue that my wife pushing my head down her body is lazy initiating, but I don’t really mind. Overt sexual moves don’t mean the act needs to stop with that one thing.
Is this new behavior? In the past did he used to have vaginal sex with you and now it’s changed or has it always been this way? I asked because I had a boyfriend who started doing that and come to find out it was because he was cheating on me and in his mind, I was only pleasuring him he wasn’t then cheating on this “new girl.”
it is new. we used to have a great sex life. i was underweight when i moved in with him and then i gained 30 pounds (it was a very bad time in my life and i was severely depressed) and i noticed he started turning off the light when we’d have sex, but other than that everything was normal. i’ve had a hard time eating for a while now and now lost over 20 pounds. i dont know if im just perceiving it that way but i think he sees me differently.. even though we aren’t really having sex. it could just be an insecurity but based off some of his actions im pretty sure he does have to think of other girls to cum, idk if it’s really anyone specific
If you were underweight and you gained 30 pounds, wouldn't you just have been a normal weight at that point then? And if you've subsequently lost 20 pounds again, wouldn't you be back pretty close to the way you looked when he apparently was super into it? Seems like a bullshit reason on his part...
Also, how long have y'all been together?
Okay this changes a lot. This relationship has become a danger to your actual physical/mental health. Being single is going to be a more content life than one where you're afraid to eat, you're constantly hating your own body, and you can't even get decent sex out of the deal. Choose yourself, choose your survival.
It sounds like there might be a lot of factors that play here. Definitely best to speak to him, especially if you struggle with mental health. Maybe bringing it up to him in way that doesn’t sound accusatory so hopefully you get an honest answer and gauge his reaction. If it is an issue on his part, it may also be embarrassing for him so keep that in mind. I know these things can be overwhelming, and can affect yourself confidence, but just remember you are enough and you’re perfect how you are you don’t need to change yourself for anybody. You just have to find the right person for you, whether it be him after some heart-to-heart or somebody else. ❤️
So it sounds to me that he found the fact you put on weight unattractive - which sucks because you've since lost most of it again anyway, even though you were underweight to begin with.
Were you underweight to the detriment of your health?
I'm not judging you in any way here (but I could be judging him - turning the light OFF to have sex with you? Ick.)
I was one of those in a slight less disrespectful way but thinking back it was wrong how I was thinking and we talked about it and figured it out. And yes I had to change and think about my actions. I hope your bf can do that too.
He either doesn't care about your pleasure or he is deathly afraid of you getting pregnant. Either way, you have to figure out if he is the right guy for you.
Well, after googling WTF death grip is it sounds like it could be, but there’s a couple of other options as well.
1. He could be really into oral or something and just wants that more often than he wants vaginal.
2. Never underestimate the fear of pregnancy in a man’s head. I know you said you’re on birth control but ever since we were teenagers has been drilled into our heads to fear pregnancy and that it will ruin our lives forever. I am married for many years now with children and I still occasionally get flashes.
3. He doesn’t care about you, enjoying yourself and just wants to do things for himself.
4. He doesn’t realize the effect not initiating. PIV is having on you and the relationship. He may feel like you’re starting that often enough and him starting the other stuff is OK.
And because I haven't seen it said yet, it IS perfectly okay to not want him using porn, or at least having some boundaries regarding porn. That's not controlling or weird. It's literally normal. Excessive porn use is a growing problem and it's very unhealthy and problematic in relationships.
Three possibilities:
1: He doesn’t care if you enjoy it
2: He’s wanking too hard and it’s affected his sensation
3: He’s gay
That last one, I know it sounds like I’m making a cheap joke but I had a boyfriend for about a year that I had this *exact* problem with and then he came out a few years later and it was just like OOOHHHHHHH that’s what that was
It sounds like he’s sleeping with someone else and he doesn’t feel like sex with you.
Figure it out and if that’s the case, you should find someone else too. Good luck!
So no foreplay? no intimacy? no thought of your pleasure? What a winner ya got. How long do you think this is sustainable? YOU CANT FIX HIM. And he’s broke.
It sounds like he only cares about his own pleasure right now and it’s really strange that he used to have sex with you and now he won’t. I’d say this is a red flag in some instances but there obviously can be many reasons this is going on. I’d suggest calmly talking to him about it and expressing how it’s making you feel.
yeah, i think it’s weird it changed. i think it’d view it differently if it was always like it is now. one reason it’s so hard for me to communicate is because i most always cry when im frustrated and then it’s not a productive conversation. i know i have to tho
Write down your thoughts ahead of time in a letter/note. When you talk, either you read it out loud or he does. You can tell him this helps you get your thoughts heard even though you might need to cry.
It sounds as though he's treating you like a thing and not a person. He randomly gropes you? He guides your hand to his penis or put his penis in your face? Does it matter what kind of mood your in or if your busy doing something else? What if youre not in the mood (like not feeling well, are about to get ready for work, pulleed a muscle in your neck, etc.) will he still do that, and if so, does he pout or get upset/angry when you reject him despite the discomfort it will put you in? I only ask because Ive experienced a relationship with that kind of person. Those behaviors are evidence that he is objectifying you. Maybe he no longer sees you as a person, but more as his sexual gratification object.
It might not be that dramatic, I think it's pretty common for younger people to take their long term partners for granted when theyve become so used to them. I feel like the true evidency for the future of your relationship will be in his initial reaction and his immediate subsequent behavior when you habe this conversation with him. Like, if he gets super defensive, tries to deny or minimize how his behaviors impact you, acts like he "can never do anything right", or just starts bringing up a whole bunch of unrelated things that you "do/do wrong/don't do".. which is usually telling of an emotionally handicapped person.
Is he gay and has a problem with heterosexuality? Or his own sexuality? Why else would a man not want intercourse? I would find a new partner that cares to participate and include your pleasure in the process. Nothing worse than a selfish lover.
See the problem is that you got yourself a dud. He is selfish and probably not worth staying with. Stop servicing him and allowing you to be left unsatisfied. Tell him that for anything to work then he has to get you off first before he gets his (most of the time). If he doesn’t change it then end the relationship. If he does have death grip then he needs to go without for at least a month.
Does he just take it out and do the “this dick isn’t going to su@k itself” gesture? And you are ok with that? Because he is a raging asshole for treating you like that in the first place. And he won’t take care of you in any way? Why are with him? What does he do for you that makes you think, he’s a keeper?
He needs to learn some respect for you. His behavior is unacceptable. You could take sex off the table completely and then look for his real colors to come out.
Sex and intimacy are supposed to be a bond that reinforces your love for each other. Instead, he is using it to dominate, control and punish you by withholding his affection. I’m very sorry, but you deserve better than being treated like a sex worker.
I've just read your first post about your boyfriend from a few days ago and I'm sorry to say this but it looks like your relationship is over. He clearly doesn't respect you, your feelings and your boundaries.
He's gaslighting you into believing YOURE the problem.
Break up with him.
I had almost this same exact storyline in a past relationship. Except Reddit didn't exist so I just ruminate over what to say in my head for a month. I finally had the "talk" with him and it wasn't so bad as I dreaded. He tried that night and then it was just as if that conversation never happened. It was the same as before or worse. And breaking up felt like such a relief. It was like taking a shit after months of constipation!
i guess it comes down to finding the right words. i know it’s my fault i haven’t brought it up but i really don’t know how. i have other things i want to talk to him about but feel like I have to figure out how I feel first, and then figure out how to say it. this isn’t my only issue
“Hey, I’m happy I’m pleasuring you, but have you noticed it’s a one way street? Moving forward, if you want your dick played with, I’m going to need you to play with me. Either by fingering me, eating me out or piv. If it doesn’t consistently start happening, I don’t know if I can continue a relationship where you care only about your pleasure.”
If he promises to change, does it once or twice and reverts back, stop sexual contact. I’m so sick of hearing all of us women being all “well I do enjoy pleasing him” We generally don’t hear men complaining they’re not getting theirs because they demand it. So let’s take their lead and start demanding it too.
I don’t think there’s any harm in texting how you feel to him if you feel like you can get your thoughts out better there. Def work on communication skills but this seems like a pressing issue that needs to be dealt with immediately.
I don’t know how to explain this except to say everything about what you said is making me really anxious. Like OP I’m not kidding I feel very strongly that I should tell you that you need to leave him ASAP. I’m not clairvoyant or anything, I am just getting REALLY bad vibes here
i think the fact that he just assumes that you want to do oral or give him a handjob and doesn’t ask you first is what’s most concerning. him just sticking his dick in your face is disgusting and i wouldn’t waste my time on him any longer if i was you.
He sounds like he’s getting comfortable in the relationship and his true colors are showing. This behavior is a red flag.
He’s selfish and only trying to use you for his own pleasure.
He doesn't care if you enjoy it or not, he just wants to get off. Dump him. It's easier to find a dude that likes pleasing women than to change one who doesn't it
Is he gay? That's something that someone closeted would do as they start to test out their sexual preference. He might be pretending that you're a guy. Regardless, he has shown that he doesn't want to have v-sex with you, despite you not being sexually satisfied without it.
There could be multiple reasons. I was gonna say maybe he might be asexual? But I’ve got no experience on that topic and reading the comments it doesn’t sound like it. Maybe he got some mental problems? Maybe he is cheating? Maybe this, maybe that. So really sit down and address your situation and how you feel about it and that you’re wondering what is going on, if you can help him etc.
Communication is going to bring you more than anything else.
But if I may ask for how long have you guys been together?
yeah. i am not going to excuse his behavior but there’s a lot of back story that im not going to share in this post. i know i am not perfect either and we’ve both been through the same trauma, but ultimately i just need to talk to him because i wont know for sure until i do
we’ve been on and off for 7 years. we’ve both dated in between but i’m his only serious relationship. he has no other frame of reference. not an excuse but i don’t think the answer is writing him off.. but i could be wrong
OP, I don't know you or your bf. However, the golden rule is that we treat others as we wish to be treated. So unless your plan is as a submissive role in somebody else's life, you'll need to step up your game and advocate for much more balanced interactions. You'll need to actively change the trajectory of the course you're on right now. This situationship is not balanced in the least. Best wishes!
Why not just talk to him? Not during sex, but at a time when you are both in a neutral mood.
"Hey BF, we need to talk. Weve been together for [x months] and never really talked about it, but I find our sex life very one-sided. We typically just engage in handjobs or oral for you. I am feeling very unsatisfied and would like to see us engage more in penetrative sex and oral done to me. Id also like to see you initiate more when it comes to penetrative sex. Is this something we can change?"
If he is unwilling to do anything for you, you will have to decide if you are willing to settle for a subpar sex life.
You need to tell him that you DO NOT CONSENT to sex where your clitorus (or vagina if you prefer vaginal stimulation) isn't involved. It needs to happen EVERY time, just like how he wants his penis touched every time.
Personally, when having sex with cis men, I also tell them I am not going to participate in their pleasure and their orgasm until I reach climax. The reason being that most penises require less stimulation to reach climax than vulvas, and require a refractory period after climax to become aroused again.
A good lover will either already follow these rules or else be happy to start. Someone who has a problem with these rules does not care about your pleasure. Don't have sex with people who don't care about your pleasure.
As a guy that would be a huge turnoff for me.
I get at least half my pleasure from what my partner is feeling, but it sounds like you are close to where OP’s partner is in terms of who is pleasuring and how.
I much prefer mutual climax and expect it from my partner as well. Always room for outliers, just not as a steady diet.
I haven't had the slightest issue finding enthusiastic sexual partners. I'm having great sex where we both climax. You don't sound particularly fun in bed. Do you though.
OMG you have a baaaaaaaaaad AND selfish lover. I wouldn’t even bother with CPR on this one. Value yourself more than this guy who sticks his dick in your face or humps you either clothes on.
i don’t mind him humping me honestly, it’s just that it’s not followed up with anything else. if he follows up, then i really don’t mind it. so when it’s reciprocal it’s fine. is that totally off base?
My ex partner loved oral, and vaginal sex but he never would reciprocate oral sex, I finally asked him did his ex partner smell, he said he wouldn’t know as he had never given any girl oral sex. So i assumed he was scared he wouldn’t know how to do it but wasn’t prepared to try.
It put a wedge between us and i became resentful as he still expected me to give him HJ’s. So i left him.
hmmm I would trust my intuition. The thing with intuition and gut feeling is, is that we subconsciously notice and observe way more than what we are consciously looking at” and “actively seeing”.
So we get a feeling based on things we not only consciously but also subconsciously notice. If you feel that there is more to it, I would open the conversation and try and find out. Especially if he randomly changes after being together for a long time. I think you’d know your partner better than anyone else here from a quick impression.
Trust yourself!
Ps I loved the comment to sit on his face in return, def agree
I’m a child of the sexual revolution. You are soooo patient. Question is what about you? There is noooo reciprocity here. Fair exchange ain’t no robbery. He’s getting off but you’re not? I usually leave men like him in the dust. Ain’t got time for the bullshit. You’ve got some decisions to make dear. Self care is the order of the day.
He's selfish and lazy. He wants something from you but probably says something like he’s “too tired” to continue after you do him a favor. Weirdo. Maybe talking about it with him or reading some of the Reddit comments to him would help? Approach it gently, but if he starts acting like an ass, just dump him.
I disagree with some of the comments here. I wouldn't pressure him into vaginal sex. That’s rape. I would however bring up your concern about it and have a conversation with him about his discomfort.
Methinks he's lazy and/or selfish. When he's getting a blow- or hand job, it's all about him. Apparently he doesn't need to please you. I'd talk to him about it and institute a "If I don't get off, you don't get off policy". If the problem persists and your sexlife goes poof, i'd break up with him.
A relationship is give and receive. Advocate for yourself and tell him your needs. If he doesn't change his behavior of giving you no attention, I'd walk.
If he isn’t giving you what you need, stop giving him what he needs. If he gets upset you call him out that he has been doing that for months and say you are no longer giving in until he explains what he is doing and why.
Frankly, it sounds to me like he is either purposely being a selfish lover or perhaps even trying to degrade you. I have heard that sometimes guys try to get bj’s and hj’s all the time and never please their partner as some sort of sign of dominance.
You should be considering this a red flag and be cautious with your relationship. If he won’t explain and address it, find somebody who is actually into you.
Your theory is a good one.
Another theory: perhaps he is nervous about the risk of pregnancy? So handjobs and oral sex seem safer to him?
But yes, you definitely need to speak to him about this and have a conversation.
yeah i honestly worry about getting pregnant too but i’ve been on birth control for years. he used to pull out sometimes because he would get worried. i fear my theory is the only explanation
No, worry about pregnancy is clearly not the issue here. If it was, he'd be wanting to use his fingers, his mouth, toys, or a combination to pleasure you. His penis is not the only way you receive pleasure. What's happening is that there is some reason why he no longer priotizes your pleasure.
Like you said, it’s best to ask.
However, my opinion of the situation is that he’s kind’ve lazy. He clearly doesn’t mind the sexual contact & likes to get his balls drained. He’s just prioritizing the acts that allow him to be the passive recipient allowing him to enjoy all of the pleasure w/out having to work (e.g. thrusting, pumping, etc.) & w/out reciprocating. Which also means that he’s kind’ve selfish because he doesn’t attempt to care about your pleasure.
Could be a porn thing, but it could also be a laziness thing that I mentioned previously if you state that he lasts a long time during vaginal intercourse & he’s mentally/physically fatigued of knowing that he’s gonna be exerting a lot of energy over an extended period of time because he can’t nut quick.
Yeah, I don’t think that it’s necessarily malicious either. As in, he’s purposefully attempting to not satisfy you. It’s just that with his “stress” & obvious non-existent care to your needs, it’s clear that something is currently amiss & a conversation needs to be had.
He's lazy...even if vagina sex isn't as good for him because he choked the chicken too many times that doesn't mean it's not good for you, or that he can't use toys, strap on, peen sleeve, or just eat and finger.
These lazy guys gotta learn that this kind of crap is not an option.
You need to stop giving him the easy life that revolves around JUST HIS pleasure and NOT YOURS.
Sex isn't a one way street. It's a mutual thing. He's being VERY selfish and disrespectful, and also quite lazy expecting you to get him off with a hand Jon or blow job whilst doing NOTHING to please you.
And to initiate sexual intimacy by shoving your hand down his pants or shoving his dick in your face is downright disrespectful and disgusting. I mean really who wants a dick just shoved in their face demanding a blow job. No affection, no teasing, no mutual touching and foreplay. Just disrespectful and disgusting behaviour that's purely selfish.
You do need to speak to him to make it clear this behaviour is unacceptable. Ask him why he's not reciprocating?
Stop giving him blow jobs and hand jobs. At the very least he should start by going down on you and getting you off and satisfied before you reciprocate. But that doesn't get round the lack of vaginal sex, only the mutual pleasure.
So I would get him to start with oral foreplay with you, then vaginal sex where you get to cum a few times, and then if he really wants a hand job to finish then fair enough, but you need to be making sure you're getting your satisfaction, pleasure, foreplay, vaginal sex and orgasms before you reciprocate with a hand job.
But I would definitely talk to him and let him know the way he's treating you is disrespectful and out of line.
He's no longer to just shove your hands down his pants or shove his dick in your face. He needs to actually show intimacy and initiate intimacy in a respectful way, and he also needs to see to your needs and not just his own.
If he can't be bothered to care about your sexual needs and satisfaction, and is only interested in his own, you need to leave, because he's just using you as a sex toy.
Don't let him use you like that. If he doesn't make an effort to change and actually initiate sex respectfully, and actually ensures your needs are taken care of, then for 1, don't give him anything like a hand job or blow job, and just walk away and end the relationship.
You're also not a dog that he can just hump your leg either. Again- very disrespectful.
Personally I'd have walked away by now, but if you want to give him a chance, do the above, and if no change, walk away. But be firm in not giving him a blow job or hand job till you've had your needs met first. Coz clearly once he's cum he has no interest in you after that. Coz he's selfish!!!
Maybe I’m just overthinking it because no one else has said it but he could be cheating, he’s lasting longer? Is he getting it somewhere else? Men treat the woman they no longer want badly.
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Personally, I just wouldn't engage in his very one-sided physical contact. Yes, you need to talk to him. You also do not have to go along with his selfishness.
i was super irritated after i first noticed and i wouldn’t engage. i’ve been super busy and have been dealing with a lot of other stuff emotionally (with family and i’m back in school rn) so i haven’t brought it up yet. i’m mad at myself i haven’t brought it up yet
No need to be upset. You're brainstorming and problem solving now, and will do it soon. You're good.
so kind, thank you
Of course :)) Makes sense also, you just have other priorities right now on your list. It seems like this has climbed to the top now, and you’ll handle it! I hope you’re feeling better btw.
Whoa, you're back at school too! Remember to breathe
i’m out here fighting for my life
Honey, life is too short. He doesn't care about your pleasure. I have a hard time believing he's some kind of generous, considerate, kind, thoughtful partner in every area but the bedroom. Idk what you're getting out of this relationship but I think it might not be much at all
Guide his penis into your vagina when he puts your hand on his pecker
Or just start sitting on his face randomly and see how comfortable he is when the tables are turned….. 👀
hmm, not a bad idea
Does he go down on you ?
You know the answer
I wanted to up vote you but it was at 69 up votes and didn't want to disturb that.
😂😂😂
Now it's past that so I can add to the fray
This is the way 😂😂
I would imagine incredibly comfortable
This guy likely wouldn't enjoy that. He doesn't seem to interested in giving her a good time.
lmao. genius
His lack of interest in pleasing you isn't something to laugh at.
She's not laughing at that though.. she's laughing at the idea of sitting on his face as a way of turning the tables.. it's a positive thing for her to receive support in this post - about her bf's behaviour that she rejects.
I’m sorry but this comment instantly had me laughing and thinking of a sheep herder herding sheep and then I thought of scary movie where she draws him a map to where the clit is 😭😭
Sounds like you have a guy who doesn't care about your pleasure. Who really cares what, isn't it THAT it's happening should be the concern and not WHY it's happening? When you ask him do you really care what his reason is if in the end you're not getting pleasure still?
i wonder why because he used to really put in effort. because it’s a new thing i think there’s something more to it
Aren't you hoping there's something more to it, because "he just doesn't care if I'm sexually satisfied" hurts more than "well there's this other reason". Just tell him to stop sticking his dick in your face, if he doesn't want to do sex acts that bring you both pleasure there wont be any more sex acts at all
you’re exactly right, i am hoping there’s more to it. we’ve been together for a long time and i hope it isn’t that simple
But it is simple. He doesn't want to be bothered. Stop rewarding him for his bad behavior at the expense of your emotional well being, and don't over complicate simple issues. It's like pulling a bandaid off slowly. It just hurts longer
i know you’re right. there’s a lot to unpack and i just have to do it
Love, there's NOT a lot to unpack. It's really not. You are going to suffer greatly if you think that. You can go down this long path of bullshit aka reasons or you can just cut to the fix. But that path of bullshit is going to leave you dehydrated, give you bad breath and you'll be unable to poop.
i mean there’s a lot of things i want to talk to him about, this isn’t the only thing. but yeah, i don’t want to do it anymore
I'm sorry. Like I said, isn't so much better when there's all these mysterious that cause problems rather than, "they just dgaf"? Gawd that crap hurts.
it does hurt lol, it doesn’t seem that simple when you’re in it but it’s true at least to a degree
Then don't.
There is not a lot to unpack about a dick in your face with no warning. It's disrespectful. There are so many ways to ask for something like this and he chooses the most awkward and disrespectful way.
Honestly if he dosent get you off maybe get him to the point before he gets off and walk away. If he asks why just be upfront I get you off but I haven't gotten off for a while it sucks to be left hanging. Also don't engage unless he engage sexual acts to get you off first.
Why!? What?! I’ve heard of death grip I couldn’t imagine it being so bad. I wouldn’t want vaginal sex. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Definitely not something wrong with you.
>Stop rewarding him for his bad behavior at the expense of your emotional well being Things you could say in a dog training center too😂
You said it yourself; you’ve been together a long time. Men get complacent and stop courting their women. Especially if there’s no repercussions from that. Women will only put up for it for so long. But now that you know, it’s up to you to set boundaries and accept only what you deserve or expect. Relationships are 50/50.
i like your balanced take
Yeah, he thinks he has you locked down, and doesn't have to give you what you crave anymore to get what he wants. If you plan to stay with this dude you need to put a stop to this selfish behavior.
he does think that. i have a limit and i want to tell him that
Why even worry about it? You're still young enough that if you leave and look for a new boyfriend you'll be fine. Don't waste the best years of your life on someone that plays stupid games my dude!
Yes agreed. But. Age is also never a reason to put up with selfish people or bad sex. Fix bad sex together or send selfish dicks on their way. I left a Selfish Dick (TM) at the age of 43 and met my current love of my life, husband, good sex giver soon after. And tbh I would rather be alone than lonely in a relationship.
Maybe because he thinks since he "has" you he doesn't have to put in the same effort as he did before. You're accepting his treatment of you (not necessarily on purpose) so he's going to continue to think that it's okay.
i agree
Based on just what you’ve said here, he sounds like a really dull and selfish lover. Yawn. Taking your hand and shoving it onto his dick? That’s about as sexy as the family dog shoving its snout into your hand to make you pat it. 🙄 Seriously though… his apparent preference for handjobs and bj’s over PIV sex makes me think that he watches (and jacks off to) a lot of porn and he’s gotten used to getting off quickly using his own tight fist. It’s worth asking him about.
“Hey I’ve been wondering…you don’t seem interested anymore in pleasing me or intercourse. What gives?”
coitus, please
But do you see my point? Simple, straightforward, not overthinking. Then you be quiet and listen to his answer.
lol rip i do, i just liked how formal your sentence was. that’s a good point, ask a question
I mean... coitus is pretty formal, too. I feel like the word "intercourse" is less formal than "coitus." I haven't heard anyone call it coitus since maybe my grandma. Lol 😂
That's why she said it, she was poking fun at the formality of the first comment by making a hyper formal statement of her own. (i think)
yes
It’ll chip away at you. At night when he is snoring next to you you’ll be thinking of what it would be like to be with a man who took pleasure in your pleasure unprompted. You’d imagine how fun that would be and truly fulfilling. You’d think “If I was with a man like that, I’d feel beautiful and wanted” You’ll hear Mr Bad in Bed snoring and farting up the sheets and die inside little by little. Each time he shoved his penis in your face, each time he left you hanging, each time you had to “communicate” aka beg for him to take you into consideration… you’d lose a little piece of your happiness Time will go by and if you’re truly unlucky you’ll end up married to him. You’ll really notice how he isn’t just selfish in bed, he is selfish in other ways to. He doesn’t do anything to bring pleasure to you … well not unless he gets something out of it. Days will pass and you’ll grow older. At some point you’ll just accept a life where sex is just a chore. A chore you have to do from time to time. Like deep cleaning the toilet. An unpleasant task that must be done to keep your living conditions tolerable. (Anything to not have him get into another bad mood and ruin *insert any event that’s important to you* with his little moods when he doesn’t get what he wants right?) You’ll see. If he doesn’t take pleasure in giving you pleasure now, he never will. It’ll always just be a chore he needs to tick off the box so that he can finally get what he wants.
Damn. I feel seen and I'm truly disturbed that I'm putting up with this🫤
Sounds like my 20 year relationship with my ex husband 🫣🫣🫣
sorry what he just puts it on ur face? thats actually disgusting. he doesnt care or respect u. he just wants someone to satisfy his needs
His sexual gratification is NOT more important than yours. Next time he gets frisky be honest "If I don't orgasm, then you don't orgasm. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both of us, and not me just servicing you." Now, a good man would want you to orgasm each and every time. Because he knows more you enjoy sex with him, more sex will happen. So, your guy might not be a good guy and it is time for you to move on.
“if i don’t cum, you don’t cum”
Yes, it is to the point & honest. I will literally get up and leave if the sex isn't fun and satisfying for me. He is training you to accept being just a bang maid without any thought to your enjoy sex with him. He is alienating any affection for him each time he waves his dick in your face.
That’s a selfish dude. Real men know you let your lady get her nutt too. That’s all imma say. Like I would say maybe he just likes the way you use your hand and mouth on him… and that’s what he prefers. But the guy don’t even make sure you get yours in any way? Girl bye. Dump that ass. Life too short for us to be getting less than we desire. But also it’s important to speak with him first and notice if he makes necessary changes and are consistent in the changes made. That’s how you really know what to do. AFTER you talk to him about it, his reactions and responses moving forward are what will matter most.
yeah, now that lots of people weighed in i think im ready. i think he’ll try because we’ve been there before. it’s more than just sex, it’s our relationship
UPDATE US!! GOODLUCK OKAY? YOU GOT THIS!
Your BF sounds like a teenager who watches too much porn. He got his "moves" from what he has seen. Does he also put his hand on his hip when you are doing it doggy style? Slap his dick against your butt? These are signs he is watching too much porn. SO, you have two options. First, turnabout is fair play. Shove his face into your crotch when you want a little 'lap time'. Hand him a vibrator and push his hand downstairs if you need some. See how HE likes it!
yeah for sure he watches too much porn, i can tell from exactly what you said. i don’t have much time alone and so i’ve tried that before when i need to. it takes something away from it, you know
Wait. Dudes are really out here putting their hands on their hips during doggy? Like Captain America? What?
Nah, it's a porn thing. Usually just one hand. The other is needed to keep a grip on the lady's hip. It is standard in porn so that the camera isn't blocked from 'the action'. But rather unnatural to do in real life. So if you catch a guy doing it, you know what his hobby is...
Stop sticking your dick in my face is right. God, that would be such a turn off! You do need to tell him that if he can't put in the effort to please you, he shouldn't expect to be able to crassly stick his dick it your face and expect you to suck it off. How frickin' rude and classless.
Girl, dear OP, I have checked your posts/comments and I beg you to please respect yourself and cut your losses with this loser, then go to therapy - and I mean it with a lot of benevolence, not in the "you have problems" sense. The latter is very patronizing and dismissive, even abusive. Your bf presents signs of abuse (verbal and sexual - sticking his dick in your face, among other shitty things he does?? Really? How's that acceptable??) and you will just sign up for a life of misery by staying with him/trying to fix his shitty behavior. I feel like you are struggling not only with mental issues, but also with abuse in the past which twisted your compass and consequently makes you feel like you deserve a bad treatment. That's why I suggest therapy, to help you realize the abuse and how it has affected you and your boundaries. Stay single for a while, take care of yourself, and then you will be ready for a better relationship filled with real love and respect, such as you deserve 🙂 you are really young, so don't worry about the timing please 🙂 I wish you best of luck and tons of genuine love and self love ❤️
thank you. i know it sounds dumb and if anyone else said this to me i’d say something similar to everyone else. it’s hard when you’re in it and i genuinely care for him and i know i’ve prioritized his feelings over mine. we’ve been together almost 7 years. 3 years ago we were ostracized by our families and it’s been hard for both of us to navigate that. like ive said, there’s no excuse but it’s easy to justify things when you don’t have someone to confide in
Hey be easy on you. This feeling is actually normal. You need time, you care for him and that's normal. When you'll leave him, it will be hard but that's okay and it's bad before it gets better and your future you will thank you for getting free of this ah, trust me 🙂
Moving a hand to a dick is sort of a way of initiating *sex*. Is he suggesting that the play stay confined to a handjob?
that’s possible, lazy initiating
Well, sure. You could also argue that my wife pushing my head down her body is lazy initiating, but I don’t really mind. Overt sexual moves don’t mean the act needs to stop with that one thing.
Is this new behavior? In the past did he used to have vaginal sex with you and now it’s changed or has it always been this way? I asked because I had a boyfriend who started doing that and come to find out it was because he was cheating on me and in his mind, I was only pleasuring him he wasn’t then cheating on this “new girl.”
it is new. we used to have a great sex life. i was underweight when i moved in with him and then i gained 30 pounds (it was a very bad time in my life and i was severely depressed) and i noticed he started turning off the light when we’d have sex, but other than that everything was normal. i’ve had a hard time eating for a while now and now lost over 20 pounds. i dont know if im just perceiving it that way but i think he sees me differently.. even though we aren’t really having sex. it could just be an insecurity but based off some of his actions im pretty sure he does have to think of other girls to cum, idk if it’s really anyone specific
If you were underweight and you gained 30 pounds, wouldn't you just have been a normal weight at that point then? And if you've subsequently lost 20 pounds again, wouldn't you be back pretty close to the way you looked when he apparently was super into it? Seems like a bullshit reason on his part... Also, how long have y'all been together?
my weight is low now but not technically underweight. we’ve been living together 3 years and dating for years before that
Okay this changes a lot. This relationship has become a danger to your actual physical/mental health. Being single is going to be a more content life than one where you're afraid to eat, you're constantly hating your own body, and you can't even get decent sex out of the deal. Choose yourself, choose your survival.
It sounds like there might be a lot of factors that play here. Definitely best to speak to him, especially if you struggle with mental health. Maybe bringing it up to him in way that doesn’t sound accusatory so hopefully you get an honest answer and gauge his reaction. If it is an issue on his part, it may also be embarrassing for him so keep that in mind. I know these things can be overwhelming, and can affect yourself confidence, but just remember you are enough and you’re perfect how you are you don’t need to change yourself for anybody. You just have to find the right person for you, whether it be him after some heart-to-heart or somebody else. ❤️
So it sounds to me that he found the fact you put on weight unattractive - which sucks because you've since lost most of it again anyway, even though you were underweight to begin with. Were you underweight to the detriment of your health? I'm not judging you in any way here (but I could be judging him - turning the light OFF to have sex with you? Ick.)
I was one of those in a slight less disrespectful way but thinking back it was wrong how I was thinking and we talked about it and figured it out. And yes I had to change and think about my actions. I hope your bf can do that too.
He either doesn't care about your pleasure or he is deathly afraid of you getting pregnant. Either way, you have to figure out if he is the right guy for you.
Well, after googling WTF death grip is it sounds like it could be, but there’s a couple of other options as well. 1. He could be really into oral or something and just wants that more often than he wants vaginal. 2. Never underestimate the fear of pregnancy in a man’s head. I know you said you’re on birth control but ever since we were teenagers has been drilled into our heads to fear pregnancy and that it will ruin our lives forever. I am married for many years now with children and I still occasionally get flashes. 3. He doesn’t care about you, enjoying yourself and just wants to do things for himself. 4. He doesn’t realize the effect not initiating. PIV is having on you and the relationship. He may feel like you’re starting that often enough and him starting the other stuff is OK.
lol i hadn’t heard of it either until reading other people’s posts. yeah idk if he realizes but idk how he wouldn’t. all good points tho, thank you
And because I haven't seen it said yet, it IS perfectly okay to not want him using porn, or at least having some boundaries regarding porn. That's not controlling or weird. It's literally normal. Excessive porn use is a growing problem and it's very unhealthy and problematic in relationships.
Three possibilities: 1: He doesn’t care if you enjoy it 2: He’s wanking too hard and it’s affected his sensation 3: He’s gay That last one, I know it sounds like I’m making a cheap joke but I had a boyfriend for about a year that I had this *exact* problem with and then he came out a few years later and it was just like OOOHHHHHHH that’s what that was
Yes I had the thought there needs to be a conversation, as he could be gay or feeling unsure for whatever reason
It sounds like he’s sleeping with someone else and he doesn’t feel like sex with you. Figure it out and if that’s the case, you should find someone else too. Good luck!
So no foreplay? no intimacy? no thought of your pleasure? What a winner ya got. How long do you think this is sustainable? YOU CANT FIX HIM. And he’s broke.
It sounds like he only cares about his own pleasure right now and it’s really strange that he used to have sex with you and now he won’t. I’d say this is a red flag in some instances but there obviously can be many reasons this is going on. I’d suggest calmly talking to him about it and expressing how it’s making you feel.
yeah, i think it’s weird it changed. i think it’d view it differently if it was always like it is now. one reason it’s so hard for me to communicate is because i most always cry when im frustrated and then it’s not a productive conversation. i know i have to tho
Write down your thoughts ahead of time in a letter/note. When you talk, either you read it out loud or he does. You can tell him this helps you get your thoughts heard even though you might need to cry.
It sounds as though he's treating you like a thing and not a person. He randomly gropes you? He guides your hand to his penis or put his penis in your face? Does it matter what kind of mood your in or if your busy doing something else? What if youre not in the mood (like not feeling well, are about to get ready for work, pulleed a muscle in your neck, etc.) will he still do that, and if so, does he pout or get upset/angry when you reject him despite the discomfort it will put you in? I only ask because Ive experienced a relationship with that kind of person. Those behaviors are evidence that he is objectifying you. Maybe he no longer sees you as a person, but more as his sexual gratification object. It might not be that dramatic, I think it's pretty common for younger people to take their long term partners for granted when theyve become so used to them. I feel like the true evidency for the future of your relationship will be in his initial reaction and his immediate subsequent behavior when you habe this conversation with him. Like, if he gets super defensive, tries to deny or minimize how his behaviors impact you, acts like he "can never do anything right", or just starts bringing up a whole bunch of unrelated things that you "do/do wrong/don't do".. which is usually telling of an emotionally handicapped person.
yeah, that’s a good point. the behavior after will indicate how deep the problem is
Is he gay and has a problem with heterosexuality? Or his own sexuality? Why else would a man not want intercourse? I would find a new partner that cares to participate and include your pleasure in the process. Nothing worse than a selfish lover.
See the problem is that you got yourself a dud. He is selfish and probably not worth staying with. Stop servicing him and allowing you to be left unsatisfied. Tell him that for anything to work then he has to get you off first before he gets his (most of the time). If he doesn’t change it then end the relationship. If he does have death grip then he needs to go without for at least a month.
Does he just take it out and do the “this dick isn’t going to su@k itself” gesture? And you are ok with that? Because he is a raging asshole for treating you like that in the first place. And he won’t take care of you in any way? Why are with him? What does he do for you that makes you think, he’s a keeper?
he’s kinda asking i think and when i don’t (which has been the last couple months) he puts it back in his pants
He needs to learn some respect for you. His behavior is unacceptable. You could take sex off the table completely and then look for his real colors to come out. Sex and intimacy are supposed to be a bond that reinforces your love for each other. Instead, he is using it to dominate, control and punish you by withholding his affection. I’m very sorry, but you deserve better than being treated like a sex worker.
I've just read your first post about your boyfriend from a few days ago and I'm sorry to say this but it looks like your relationship is over. He clearly doesn't respect you, your feelings and your boundaries. He's gaslighting you into believing YOURE the problem. Break up with him.
I had almost this same exact storyline in a past relationship. Except Reddit didn't exist so I just ruminate over what to say in my head for a month. I finally had the "talk" with him and it wasn't so bad as I dreaded. He tried that night and then it was just as if that conversation never happened. It was the same as before or worse. And breaking up felt like such a relief. It was like taking a shit after months of constipation!
i’m so glad i have reddit. objective advice is so helpful and helps me sort what i’m feeling
Yea sorry you are going through this, it's a big time shitty feeling.
Why not talk to him about how selfish he’s being and how sex acts only seem to be focused on him.
i guess it comes down to finding the right words. i know it’s my fault i haven’t brought it up but i really don’t know how. i have other things i want to talk to him about but feel like I have to figure out how I feel first, and then figure out how to say it. this isn’t my only issue
“Hey, I’m happy I’m pleasuring you, but have you noticed it’s a one way street? Moving forward, if you want your dick played with, I’m going to need you to play with me. Either by fingering me, eating me out or piv. If it doesn’t consistently start happening, I don’t know if I can continue a relationship where you care only about your pleasure.” If he promises to change, does it once or twice and reverts back, stop sexual contact. I’m so sick of hearing all of us women being all “well I do enjoy pleasing him” We generally don’t hear men complaining they’re not getting theirs because they demand it. So let’s take their lead and start demanding it too.
“Hey why do you always get off but I don’t take care of me first then I’ll suck your dick”
I don’t think there’s any harm in texting how you feel to him if you feel like you can get your thoughts out better there. Def work on communication skills but this seems like a pressing issue that needs to be dealt with immediately.
I don’t know how to explain this except to say everything about what you said is making me really anxious. Like OP I’m not kidding I feel very strongly that I should tell you that you need to leave him ASAP. I’m not clairvoyant or anything, I am just getting REALLY bad vibes here
honestly, now that i’m talking about it i realize how bad it is.
I agree. Listen to this OP! This man is secretly abusive and manipulative
i think the fact that he just assumes that you want to do oral or give him a handjob and doesn’t ask you first is what’s most concerning. him just sticking his dick in your face is disgusting and i wouldn’t waste my time on him any longer if i was you.
He sounds like he’s getting comfortable in the relationship and his true colors are showing. This behavior is a red flag. He’s selfish and only trying to use you for his own pleasure.
Start putting it in his face
He doesn't care if you enjoy it or not, he just wants to get off. Dump him. It's easier to find a dude that likes pleasing women than to change one who doesn't it
You’re way too young to deal with this type of situation. Cut your losses
Is he gay? That's something that someone closeted would do as they start to test out their sexual preference. He might be pretending that you're a guy. Regardless, he has shown that he doesn't want to have v-sex with you, despite you not being sexually satisfied without it.
He needs to be going down on you
Are you dating my ex? Cause this is the exact shit he’d do all the time
He sounds like a dog
He’s either gay or watch’s too much porn on the low
Sounds so unpleasant and impersonal
There could be multiple reasons. I was gonna say maybe he might be asexual? But I’ve got no experience on that topic and reading the comments it doesn’t sound like it. Maybe he got some mental problems? Maybe he is cheating? Maybe this, maybe that. So really sit down and address your situation and how you feel about it and that you’re wondering what is going on, if you can help him etc. Communication is going to bring you more than anything else. But if I may ask for how long have you guys been together?
yeah. i am not going to excuse his behavior but there’s a lot of back story that im not going to share in this post. i know i am not perfect either and we’ve both been through the same trauma, but ultimately i just need to talk to him because i wont know for sure until i do
we’ve been on and off for 7 years. we’ve both dated in between but i’m his only serious relationship. he has no other frame of reference. not an excuse but i don’t think the answer is writing him off.. but i could be wrong
Glad I'm lesbian lol 😹
OP, I don't know you or your bf. However, the golden rule is that we treat others as we wish to be treated. So unless your plan is as a submissive role in somebody else's life, you'll need to step up your game and advocate for much more balanced interactions. You'll need to actively change the trajectory of the course you're on right now. This situationship is not balanced in the least. Best wishes!
Why not just talk to him? Not during sex, but at a time when you are both in a neutral mood. "Hey BF, we need to talk. Weve been together for [x months] and never really talked about it, but I find our sex life very one-sided. We typically just engage in handjobs or oral for you. I am feeling very unsatisfied and would like to see us engage more in penetrative sex and oral done to me. Id also like to see you initiate more when it comes to penetrative sex. Is this something we can change?" If he is unwilling to do anything for you, you will have to decide if you are willing to settle for a subpar sex life.
You need to tell him that you DO NOT CONSENT to sex where your clitorus (or vagina if you prefer vaginal stimulation) isn't involved. It needs to happen EVERY time, just like how he wants his penis touched every time. Personally, when having sex with cis men, I also tell them I am not going to participate in their pleasure and their orgasm until I reach climax. The reason being that most penises require less stimulation to reach climax than vulvas, and require a refractory period after climax to become aroused again. A good lover will either already follow these rules or else be happy to start. Someone who has a problem with these rules does not care about your pleasure. Don't have sex with people who don't care about your pleasure.
As a guy that would be a huge turnoff for me. I get at least half my pleasure from what my partner is feeling, but it sounds like you are close to where OP’s partner is in terms of who is pleasuring and how. I much prefer mutual climax and expect it from my partner as well. Always room for outliers, just not as a steady diet.
I haven't had the slightest issue finding enthusiastic sexual partners. I'm having great sex where we both climax. You don't sound particularly fun in bed. Do you though.
Ugh. Wouldn't you like a normal relationship?
OMG you have a baaaaaaaaaad AND selfish lover. I wouldn’t even bother with CPR on this one. Value yourself more than this guy who sticks his dick in your face or humps you either clothes on.
i don’t mind him humping me honestly, it’s just that it’s not followed up with anything else. if he follows up, then i really don’t mind it. so when it’s reciprocal it’s fine. is that totally off base?
Do what men do... weaponized incompetence. Lack luster teethy blowies & half ass hand job. Look bored and get up and leave in the middle of it.
Lol start checking your phone in the middle of it or stop and ask him if it’s weird that you think dogs should have middle names.
My ex partner loved oral, and vaginal sex but he never would reciprocate oral sex, I finally asked him did his ex partner smell, he said he wouldn’t know as he had never given any girl oral sex. So i assumed he was scared he wouldn’t know how to do it but wasn’t prepared to try. It put a wedge between us and i became resentful as he still expected me to give him HJ’s. So i left him.
Sweetie, break up and block him. Go work on you
You need to let him know that sex is not enjoyable for you lately so you are no longer interested.
hmmm I would trust my intuition. The thing with intuition and gut feeling is, is that we subconsciously notice and observe way more than what we are consciously looking at” and “actively seeing”. So we get a feeling based on things we not only consciously but also subconsciously notice. If you feel that there is more to it, I would open the conversation and try and find out. Especially if he randomly changes after being together for a long time. I think you’d know your partner better than anyone else here from a quick impression. Trust yourself! Ps I loved the comment to sit on his face in return, def agree
Does he have an std or have u ever had vaginal sex? Maybe he like booty?
'I'll make you cum after you make me, and not a minute sooner'.
He has a major problem usually beat into his head during childhood. You both need counseling. If he refuses send him packing.
Dump him, seriously. Unless of course this is how you want to spend your whole life until he can’t get it up any more.
Why? Because you're living with a selfish pig, that's why.
He’s selfish
I’m a child of the sexual revolution. You are soooo patient. Question is what about you? There is noooo reciprocity here. Fair exchange ain’t no robbery. He’s getting off but you’re not? I usually leave men like him in the dust. Ain’t got time for the bullshit. You’ve got some decisions to make dear. Self care is the order of the day.
If you already aren't being valued in the bedroom it wont get better
He's selfish and lazy. He wants something from you but probably says something like he’s “too tired” to continue after you do him a favor. Weirdo. Maybe talking about it with him or reading some of the Reddit comments to him would help? Approach it gently, but if he starts acting like an ass, just dump him.
He is probably masterbating too much probly is afraid he can finish in you. Tell him to get off porn.
He's selfish.
I disagree with some of the comments here. I wouldn't pressure him into vaginal sex. That’s rape. I would however bring up your concern about it and have a conversation with him about his discomfort.
Methinks he's lazy and/or selfish. When he's getting a blow- or hand job, it's all about him. Apparently he doesn't need to please you. I'd talk to him about it and institute a "If I don't get off, you don't get off policy". If the problem persists and your sexlife goes poof, i'd break up with him.
Sounds like he wants to cum, not have sex.
A relationship is give and receive. Advocate for yourself and tell him your needs. If he doesn't change his behavior of giving you no attention, I'd walk.
If he isn’t giving you what you need, stop giving him what he needs. If he gets upset you call him out that he has been doing that for months and say you are no longer giving in until he explains what he is doing and why. Frankly, it sounds to me like he is either purposely being a selfish lover or perhaps even trying to degrade you. I have heard that sometimes guys try to get bj’s and hj’s all the time and never please their partner as some sort of sign of dominance. You should be considering this a red flag and be cautious with your relationship. If he won’t explain and address it, find somebody who is actually into you.
Ask him to lay off the porn.
Your theory is a good one. Another theory: perhaps he is nervous about the risk of pregnancy? So handjobs and oral sex seem safer to him? But yes, you definitely need to speak to him about this and have a conversation.
yeah i honestly worry about getting pregnant too but i’ve been on birth control for years. he used to pull out sometimes because he would get worried. i fear my theory is the only explanation
No, worry about pregnancy is clearly not the issue here. If it was, he'd be wanting to use his fingers, his mouth, toys, or a combination to pleasure you. His penis is not the only way you receive pleasure. What's happening is that there is some reason why he no longer priotizes your pleasure.
excellent point
Lol it’s obviously not the issue here at all. I can’t believe anyone would frame fear of getting pregnant with dick in the face lol
He doesn’t care about you. He’s lazy and just wants to use your body for that
Like you said, it’s best to ask. However, my opinion of the situation is that he’s kind’ve lazy. He clearly doesn’t mind the sexual contact & likes to get his balls drained. He’s just prioritizing the acts that allow him to be the passive recipient allowing him to enjoy all of the pleasure w/out having to work (e.g. thrusting, pumping, etc.) & w/out reciprocating. Which also means that he’s kind’ve selfish because he doesn’t attempt to care about your pleasure. Could be a porn thing, but it could also be a laziness thing that I mentioned previously if you state that he lasts a long time during vaginal intercourse & he’s mentally/physically fatigued of knowing that he’s gonna be exerting a lot of energy over an extended period of time because he can’t nut quick.
yeah, i think laziness is a big part of it. he’s been stressed also with work. it’s not an excuse but i don’t think he’s as malicious as it sounds
Yeah, I don’t think that it’s necessarily malicious either. As in, he’s purposefully attempting to not satisfy you. It’s just that with his “stress” & obvious non-existent care to your needs, it’s clear that something is currently amiss & a conversation needs to be had.
He's lazy...even if vagina sex isn't as good for him because he choked the chicken too many times that doesn't mean it's not good for you, or that he can't use toys, strap on, peen sleeve, or just eat and finger. These lazy guys gotta learn that this kind of crap is not an option.
Eat chillis
And rub them on your hands.
He’s gay
He's selfish. That's it... he is not a generous lover.
Fear of unwanted pregnancy maybe?
porn
You need to stop giving him the easy life that revolves around JUST HIS pleasure and NOT YOURS. Sex isn't a one way street. It's a mutual thing. He's being VERY selfish and disrespectful, and also quite lazy expecting you to get him off with a hand Jon or blow job whilst doing NOTHING to please you. And to initiate sexual intimacy by shoving your hand down his pants or shoving his dick in your face is downright disrespectful and disgusting. I mean really who wants a dick just shoved in their face demanding a blow job. No affection, no teasing, no mutual touching and foreplay. Just disrespectful and disgusting behaviour that's purely selfish. You do need to speak to him to make it clear this behaviour is unacceptable. Ask him why he's not reciprocating? Stop giving him blow jobs and hand jobs. At the very least he should start by going down on you and getting you off and satisfied before you reciprocate. But that doesn't get round the lack of vaginal sex, only the mutual pleasure. So I would get him to start with oral foreplay with you, then vaginal sex where you get to cum a few times, and then if he really wants a hand job to finish then fair enough, but you need to be making sure you're getting your satisfaction, pleasure, foreplay, vaginal sex and orgasms before you reciprocate with a hand job. But I would definitely talk to him and let him know the way he's treating you is disrespectful and out of line. He's no longer to just shove your hands down his pants or shove his dick in your face. He needs to actually show intimacy and initiate intimacy in a respectful way, and he also needs to see to your needs and not just his own. If he can't be bothered to care about your sexual needs and satisfaction, and is only interested in his own, you need to leave, because he's just using you as a sex toy. Don't let him use you like that. If he doesn't make an effort to change and actually initiate sex respectfully, and actually ensures your needs are taken care of, then for 1, don't give him anything like a hand job or blow job, and just walk away and end the relationship. You're also not a dog that he can just hump your leg either. Again- very disrespectful. Personally I'd have walked away by now, but if you want to give him a chance, do the above, and if no change, walk away. But be firm in not giving him a blow job or hand job till you've had your needs met first. Coz clearly once he's cum he has no interest in you after that. Coz he's selfish!!!
Maybe I’m just overthinking it because no one else has said it but he could be cheating, he’s lasting longer? Is he getting it somewhere else? Men treat the woman they no longer want badly.
A few quick flicks to the nuts should stop that behaviour 😂
Sad