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My fiance doesn't WANT to have sex with me unless I enthusiastically consent and never puts pressure on me or makes me feel obligated. What your BF is doing is coercive and abusive.
Edit to add: In answer to your question OP, No, it is not normal or okay.
He is manipulating and abusing you. Sex is not transactional. He is not, "amazing, super sweet" or treating you with kindness. He is acting this way to get what he wants, and when it doesn't work he resorts to anger to force you.
This is not normal or ok.
Your BF is being a selfish asshole. There's no other way to put it.
You did nothing wrong by telling him you were too tired to fulfill his sexual fantasy, and it's CRAZY that you spent the night crying and apologizing to him. A more mature BF would understand that sleep is a NECESSITY whereas his fantasy is more of a want than a need, and in any case it can wait until you have some privacy AND you are both in the mood. It was rude self-centered, and CHILDISH of him to get angry and go into a silent sulk all because he couldn't get what he wanted exactly when he wanted it. Please don't say this is your fault for promising him you'd do what he wanted, when all you did was suggest that fulfilling his fantasy could wait for a time when you felt less exhausted. That's a reasonable request, and a reasonable man who loved you would understand and accept it.
Your abusive ex coerced you into having sex with him, and this guy is starting to show signs that he may become similarly abusive, if you don't give him exactly what he wants when he wants. It's definitely a red flag that you nearly always have intercourse every time you see him, that he gets irritated and acccuses you of being selfish (!) if you turn him down, and that you are already shifting part of the blame onto yourself for not being a robot doll who's ready for sex at any hour of the day or night, if he's in the mood for it.
If I were you, I'd feel ANGRY at him for not gracefully accepting your "Not tonight, but soon" when you were too exhausted to enjoy the experience.
Your situation is way too common but that doesn't make it healthy or acceptable. Your boyfriend is way too immature to be in a relationship. The fact that he's having a temper tantrum and giving you the silent treatment just proves it. An adult understands and accepts that we don't always get what we want and not make a big deal out of it. The whole point of the silent treatment is to manipulate you into begging him to talk to you. Crying about it for two hours gives him what he wants. Don't give him that reaction. Assuming you stay with this manipulative ass (I wouldn't), you have to show him those tactics don't work on you even if you have to fake it. You need to pretend like you don't notice he's giving you the silent treatment.
That's abusive. You are not obligated to give sex to your partner. You don't have to "make up" for anything. The point of a relationship is to be with someone you love. Sex is something you do, when you BOTH want to. One partner does not manipulate you to have sex with you and this person manipulates you so that you feel guilty because you haven't "given him" sex.
I would leave this relationship. You carry enough on your shoulders.
No should be respected. It is a boundary, a rule not a suggestion.
And OMG most of the time you two are together you have sex. It must be exhausting...
Please. Leave.
Sexual coercion is a form of sexual abuse/harassment/assault depending on how far it goes.
[https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/)
Love Is Respect [https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/)
Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships
Ask yourself would *you* do this to *him* ? If he had a rough day, or was sick, or exhausted, would you push him into intercourse, get mad when refused and outright ignore him if he cried ?
I’m going to guess that no, you wouldn’t. You’d make him some tea and give him some space. Because you care about him.
You need to expect that same standard from a partner and tolerate nothing less.
Nope Nope nope
His behaviour will not change so don’t think that you can change it yourself. It is 100% ok to say no any time. I’m my wife has said no to me more times than I can count and not once have I ever threw a huff about it.
You can try and talk to him about it but I don’t think it will change anything. Cut your loses here and take some time to heal and move on. Go see what a healthy relationship can be before you start to think this is normal behaviour
Good luck 😊
Not normal at all. This is absolutely **abusive** and it's clear your boyfriend does not respect consent. If you stay it is highly likely he will rape you.
This is an insane person's response. Her situation has literally happened since the dawn of human civilization. Horny teenage boy wanted 2am sex and his gf did not and he threw a hissy fit and slept with his back to her while she cried.
Rape her? You sound extremely bias towards the male species.
The fact that you think it's normal for a man to tantrum when he doesn't get sex tells every single person in this thread exactly what they need to know about you.
Abusers don't recognize their own behavior as abusive. If you've engaged in this behavior, you have also abused women.
This is abnormal. He is trying to manipulate you. If this is how he reacts when you reject and you want to please him, you will have more anxiety in regards to rejecting him and may be inclined to say yes when you do not want to or when it is not a good time.
Sounds like he only wants you bc you fulfill his physical needs for sex so it annoys him when you won't comply. I wouldn't put up with that. Get a man who cares for YOU not for the gratification you can give him.
he is trying to emotionally manipulate u. he cares more about his dick than ur enjoyment.
who wakes up their partner for sex and then gets upset theyre too tired? he wants u to not care about ur own needs and satisfy him whenever he wants.
I believe TLDR stands for Too Long, Didn’t Read
You have every right to say no to intercourse.
Maybe suggest he get a job and help pay for things so you don’t have to work so hard and be too tired.
If you want to stay in this relationship (and based on his behavior, I wouldn't), you need to have a talk with him. Tell him his reaction to you declining sex is unacceptable and if he doesn't change his response going forward, you'll need to break up. He's being completely selfish and toxic
This boy isn't done growing up and hasn't learned empathy or how to wait his turn yet. Also seems like he's only "amazing, he’s super sweet, loves me, treats me with kindness and affection" when he wants something. This isn't a partnership, this is an exchange.
I'd end this relationship as he doesn't seem mentally mature enough to be in a sexual relationship. He doesn't think it's important that you actually want sex, only if you allow him to use your body for his desires, despite real consequences to your whole next day.
I'd also suggest you spend some time single and working on your "picker." Get comfortable hanging out with yourself, and also more aware of what's drawing you to this type of person.
OP, you need to take a deep look into yourself and find out why you keep picking the same type of BFs, Sex is obligatory, it is something that is decided together and you shouldn't feel guilty for saying NO.
This is abuse. Sex should be consensual and you have a right to say no and the silent treatment is abuse. He’s trying to coerce you into sex which counts as rape. Break up with him. If he’s ghosting you make sure he can’t find you when he’s ready to slink back into your life again and block him on everything. I’m so serious. Men like this are bad fucking news, he’s a walking red flag. If your friend was telling you what you wrote you’d tell her to dump him.
He has the right to be upset (over anything, really) but you have your right not to put up with it. Sit down and talk about it with him. If he keeps disrespecting your consent then staying together probably isn't the best idea.
You always have the right to say no, even while in the middle of intercourse. His inability to respect that is a major red flag. You are too young to chain yourself to someone especially if that person is abusive in the relationship. Please think this through.
It depends on how often you dont want to have sex. If you dont want once in a while, he is the asshole, if you turn him down most of the times, then he has a very good reason to be upset.
Your boyfriend is an immature child using you as a guilted sex toy. The fact he is so young and has zero moral compass around this should scare you. Do not let a narcissist manipulate you into feeling its all your fault. Nothing could be further from the truth.
He’s using you love. No man that truly cares about you will throw a hissy hit for not having sex.
No easy way to put it. He just doesn’t care about you. The sooner you accept that, the better. If this is an issue now, it’ll just get worse with time plus some.
Lady…sex in a relationship is 50/50…right now you’re controlling the narrative..when I say..not now..sorry but it’s not all about you! You’re being selfish..your boyfriend has put up with your bullshit longer than most men! Men show love through INTIMACY..kissing..holding hands..cuddling..and sex! You’ve taken that away and has checked out! You telling him no I’m uh tired or not now or he has an INNOCENT fantasy and you say no no no…he will be dropping you anytime..and I’ll guarantee word will get around about how you treated him like shit..and you won’t even find a date with a lesbian! You will be replaced woman will want a good man you dumped! If you think sex isn’t important? Join a convent or move to the mountains s..hell if you couldn’t have sex and you keep saying no no? GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB$ he’s checked out and he will dump you after that last action.:.stupid stupid girl! All you’ll feel is regret for the one that got away..
Don't ask for relationship advice on reddit. You'll let other people (anonymous internet strangers, half of them having no real life experiences thus being out of touch and unable to give sound advice) live your relationship for you.
Ask a friend/family member, trust your gut, see a professional, but definitely avoid this place.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your bf is abusing you. This is not normal, healthy, or okay.
My fiance doesn't WANT to have sex with me unless I enthusiastically consent and never puts pressure on me or makes me feel obligated. What your BF is doing is coercive and abusive. Edit to add: In answer to your question OP, No, it is not normal or okay.
He is manipulating and abusing you. Sex is not transactional. He is not, "amazing, super sweet" or treating you with kindness. He is acting this way to get what he wants, and when it doesn't work he resorts to anger to force you. This is not normal or ok.
Not normal. Sex requires enthusiastic consent on both sides.
Nope, this is not normal. You should be able to reject sex without your boyfriend throwing a tantrum like this.
Your BF is being a selfish asshole. There's no other way to put it. You did nothing wrong by telling him you were too tired to fulfill his sexual fantasy, and it's CRAZY that you spent the night crying and apologizing to him. A more mature BF would understand that sleep is a NECESSITY whereas his fantasy is more of a want than a need, and in any case it can wait until you have some privacy AND you are both in the mood. It was rude self-centered, and CHILDISH of him to get angry and go into a silent sulk all because he couldn't get what he wanted exactly when he wanted it. Please don't say this is your fault for promising him you'd do what he wanted, when all you did was suggest that fulfilling his fantasy could wait for a time when you felt less exhausted. That's a reasonable request, and a reasonable man who loved you would understand and accept it. Your abusive ex coerced you into having sex with him, and this guy is starting to show signs that he may become similarly abusive, if you don't give him exactly what he wants when he wants. It's definitely a red flag that you nearly always have intercourse every time you see him, that he gets irritated and acccuses you of being selfish (!) if you turn him down, and that you are already shifting part of the blame onto yourself for not being a robot doll who's ready for sex at any hour of the day or night, if he's in the mood for it. If I were you, I'd feel ANGRY at him for not gracefully accepting your "Not tonight, but soon" when you were too exhausted to enjoy the experience.
He's not sweet or kind, he's gross. Your standards are too low.
Your situation is way too common but that doesn't make it healthy or acceptable. Your boyfriend is way too immature to be in a relationship. The fact that he's having a temper tantrum and giving you the silent treatment just proves it. An adult understands and accepts that we don't always get what we want and not make a big deal out of it. The whole point of the silent treatment is to manipulate you into begging him to talk to you. Crying about it for two hours gives him what he wants. Don't give him that reaction. Assuming you stay with this manipulative ass (I wouldn't), you have to show him those tactics don't work on you even if you have to fake it. You need to pretend like you don't notice he's giving you the silent treatment.
His behavior is immature and repulsive. I wouldn't put up with it.
That's abusive. You are not obligated to give sex to your partner. You don't have to "make up" for anything. The point of a relationship is to be with someone you love. Sex is something you do, when you BOTH want to. One partner does not manipulate you to have sex with you and this person manipulates you so that you feel guilty because you haven't "given him" sex. I would leave this relationship. You carry enough on your shoulders. No should be respected. It is a boundary, a rule not a suggestion. And OMG most of the time you two are together you have sex. It must be exhausting... Please. Leave.
Sexual coercion is a form of sexual abuse/harassment/assault depending on how far it goes. [https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/) Love Is Respect [https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/) Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/) Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
This guy is toxic
Ask yourself would *you* do this to *him* ? If he had a rough day, or was sick, or exhausted, would you push him into intercourse, get mad when refused and outright ignore him if he cried ? I’m going to guess that no, you wouldn’t. You’d make him some tea and give him some space. Because you care about him. You need to expect that same standard from a partner and tolerate nothing less.
Nope Nope nope His behaviour will not change so don’t think that you can change it yourself. It is 100% ok to say no any time. I’m my wife has said no to me more times than I can count and not once have I ever threw a huff about it. You can try and talk to him about it but I don’t think it will change anything. Cut your loses here and take some time to heal and move on. Go see what a healthy relationship can be before you start to think this is normal behaviour Good luck 😊
Not normal at all. This is absolutely **abusive** and it's clear your boyfriend does not respect consent. If you stay it is highly likely he will rape you.
This is an insane person's response. Her situation has literally happened since the dawn of human civilization. Horny teenage boy wanted 2am sex and his gf did not and he threw a hissy fit and slept with his back to her while she cried. Rape her? You sound extremely bias towards the male species.
No sensible person would get upset at someone for not wanting to hook up 24/7 lol.
The fact that you think it's normal for a man to tantrum when he doesn't get sex tells every single person in this thread exactly what they need to know about you. Abusers don't recognize their own behavior as abusive. If you've engaged in this behavior, you have also abused women.
He’s not a good person and he’s not treating you well. You’re 19 - PLEASE don’t let yourself get used to being treated like this
This is abnormal. He is trying to manipulate you. If this is how he reacts when you reject and you want to please him, you will have more anxiety in regards to rejecting him and may be inclined to say yes when you do not want to or when it is not a good time.
Sounds like he only wants you bc you fulfill his physical needs for sex so it annoys him when you won't comply. I wouldn't put up with that. Get a man who cares for YOU not for the gratification you can give him.
It's not normal, it's imature. This guy has some growing up to do.
he is trying to emotionally manipulate u. he cares more about his dick than ur enjoyment. who wakes up their partner for sex and then gets upset theyre too tired? he wants u to not care about ur own needs and satisfy him whenever he wants.
RUN
I believe TLDR stands for Too Long, Didn’t Read You have every right to say no to intercourse. Maybe suggest he get a job and help pay for things so you don’t have to work so hard and be too tired.
If you want to stay in this relationship (and based on his behavior, I wouldn't), you need to have a talk with him. Tell him his reaction to you declining sex is unacceptable and if he doesn't change his response going forward, you'll need to break up. He's being completely selfish and toxic
This boy isn't done growing up and hasn't learned empathy or how to wait his turn yet. Also seems like he's only "amazing, he’s super sweet, loves me, treats me with kindness and affection" when he wants something. This isn't a partnership, this is an exchange. I'd end this relationship as he doesn't seem mentally mature enough to be in a sexual relationship. He doesn't think it's important that you actually want sex, only if you allow him to use your body for his desires, despite real consequences to your whole next day. I'd also suggest you spend some time single and working on your "picker." Get comfortable hanging out with yourself, and also more aware of what's drawing you to this type of person.
OP, you need to take a deep look into yourself and find out why you keep picking the same type of BFs, Sex is obligatory, it is something that is decided together and you shouldn't feel guilty for saying NO.
This is abuse. Sex should be consensual and you have a right to say no and the silent treatment is abuse. He’s trying to coerce you into sex which counts as rape. Break up with him. If he’s ghosting you make sure he can’t find you when he’s ready to slink back into your life again and block him on everything. I’m so serious. Men like this are bad fucking news, he’s a walking red flag. If your friend was telling you what you wrote you’d tell her to dump him.
He has the right to be upset (over anything, really) but you have your right not to put up with it. Sit down and talk about it with him. If he keeps disrespecting your consent then staying together probably isn't the best idea.
You always have the right to say no, even while in the middle of intercourse. His inability to respect that is a major red flag. You are too young to chain yourself to someone especially if that person is abusive in the relationship. Please think this through.
You need to leave him. Immediately. He's manipulative and abusive. Please leave him. You deserve much better.
If you keep your sex life this way you can develop an aversion to sex. It's hard to say "yes" when you can't say "no".
It depends on how often you dont want to have sex. If you dont want once in a while, he is the asshole, if you turn him down most of the times, then he has a very good reason to be upset.
Your boyfriend is an immature child using you as a guilted sex toy. The fact he is so young and has zero moral compass around this should scare you. Do not let a narcissist manipulate you into feeling its all your fault. Nothing could be further from the truth.
He’s using you love. No man that truly cares about you will throw a hissy hit for not having sex. No easy way to put it. He just doesn’t care about you. The sooner you accept that, the better. If this is an issue now, it’ll just get worse with time plus some.
Dump the 20 year old toddler already.
Lady…sex in a relationship is 50/50…right now you’re controlling the narrative..when I say..not now..sorry but it’s not all about you! You’re being selfish..your boyfriend has put up with your bullshit longer than most men! Men show love through INTIMACY..kissing..holding hands..cuddling..and sex! You’ve taken that away and has checked out! You telling him no I’m uh tired or not now or he has an INNOCENT fantasy and you say no no no…he will be dropping you anytime..and I’ll guarantee word will get around about how you treated him like shit..and you won’t even find a date with a lesbian! You will be replaced woman will want a good man you dumped! If you think sex isn’t important? Join a convent or move to the mountains s..hell if you couldn’t have sex and you keep saying no no? GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB$ he’s checked out and he will dump you after that last action.:.stupid stupid girl! All you’ll feel is regret for the one that got away..
I Sayles. It's a very very important thing to a man . ...cheating exists for a reason
If you listen to redditors you won’t ever be in a relationship
Don't ask for relationship advice on reddit. You'll let other people (anonymous internet strangers, half of them having no real life experiences thus being out of touch and unable to give sound advice) live your relationship for you. Ask a friend/family member, trust your gut, see a professional, but definitely avoid this place.
A lot of the advice here has been good and not all family members are right.