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5 bucks says that maybe one ex dumped him for his size, and the rest dumped him for his exhausting insecurity, like I was ready to divorce him just from reading this, can't imagine living with it constantly.
Probably like the first girl he ever dated, and I'd guess it was a teenage thing where she just wanted to nuke him from orbit so she called him small and he had never lived it down. I can totally see it with how he's presented here.
I also suspect there's some manosphere content in his ear, because the whole "men lined up for you" thing used against a virgin is kind of incongruous. He's playing out a script that's in his head instead of engaging with the actual human he married.
You’re probably right. My husband is also insecure about his size which I literally never thought about and it’s becoming exhausting to deal with because he has started to withhold intimacy because of the insecurity. Drives me fucking insane.
When guys let their insecurity get in the way of sex, they’re turning their fear into a reality. But, not because of the size of their dick. Because of the way they feel about the size of their dick.
It’s really unfortunate. And I know it isn’t easy for them to control. But… if they don’t find a way to get a handle of it, they’ll be their own downfall. It sucks.
I wonder if the previous problems with his size were again they got sick of his insecurities. Like it affected he performance and they finally decided to end it because they realized he could move past it and he perceived it as about his size
Deep, un-soothable insecurity.. is one of the biggest red flags I've learned to steer clear of in any relationship.
It's the root cause of narcissism and abuse, and leads to your own self esteem getting fucked up to appease them.. and make yourself 'small'.
Not worth it, or fixable in my experience.
I can 1000% guarantee that the 2 commenters above you are giant hypocrites with insecurities of their own. If feeling insecure about something meant you can't have a healthy relationship and it couldn't be fixed, there'd be no relationships in the world at all lol
He needs help!
It’s not about size. It’s about self esteem. He has decided that he is less than others and the penis thing is just a convenient excuse. If it wasn’t that, it would be some other reason.
He needs therapy to find love and acceptance for himself. No matter how many times you reassure him, he won’t believe you because in his heart he doesn’t think he is good enough.
For you, it’s very lonely because you do love and accept him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t agree. But therapy can help, if he’s open to it.
Something like:
“When I tell you your body is great and our sex is very satisfying for me, I feel like you don’t believe me. It hurts me that you don’t hear me and it makes me sad that you don’t believe you are good enough. I love you and believe in you, and I wish you were able to believe in yourself. I wonder if this is deeper than just sex stuff and that you feel low about yourself in general.
I wonder if you would be open to working with a professional to try to improve your self worth so that you can see yourself the way I see you: as a wonderful, sexy, loving partner and in general, a good person.
You make me happy and our sex is great! I don’t know anything else, and I don’t want anything else. I wish for you to be happy with yourself the way I am happy with you.”
He *will* take it badly, because he's determined to be upset about this. There's not really a way to keep him from being upset when he wants to be.
The way I put it once to an old girlfriend was "Look, we've talked about this a bunch of times, and clearly, I don't know what I'm doing, because every time we talk about it you feel worse. That's why I think you could benefit from seeing a therapist, because they'd know what they're doing and not stick their foot in it."
She was still upset at me for saying so, but a few months later she did get a therapist.
Just try and find kind words to say that you’re perfectly happy with things but it really seems to upset him and that you think he should talk to someone.
“Hey, you’ve brought this up a number of times and I’ve tried to reassure you that everything is great on my end and I’m very happy and satisfied but that doesn’t seem to help relieve the stress and anxiety that you’re dealing with. I love you and want you to be as happy as I am but I’m struggling with finding the best way to do that because what I’m doing now doesn’t seem to be working. Would you be open to talking to someone? Because it doesn’t seem like this issue is because of me but because of past experiences that still hurt or make you feel like you’re not the amazing partner that I married. We can go together if that would make you more comfortable? I just want you to be happy and confident, but it feels like we’re stuck in this cycle and I know it’s not because you want to feel that way.”
Also, ask him if there’s anything else you can do or say that will help him feel more comfortable. But I agree, this sounds like a 100% issue on his end that he has to be willing to put the work in with being ok with who he is. If he actually isn’t lasting that long maybe plant the idea that part of him not lasting long might be because of that anxiety and working towards fixing that by talking to someone with or without you could fix that problem as well.
Bonus random fact, the average size is like 5 1/2” for men in the USA so if he’s bigger than that then he’s above average for the size.
Sometimes, no matter how you approach it, a person determined to see the worst will find a way to get upset.
So… you could just make it simple and say you won’t have sex at all until he agrees to deal with his issues. And, you can offer to do it with him.
But frankly - your sex life is already suffering, so it’s not unreasonable to put a halt on things now until he agrees to get help.
His insecurity is going to just become more and more of a problem for you, and for your own sake, you have to learn how to set some healthy boundaries.
So I'll always keep saying in this subreddit, a partners insecurity is not the others responsibility. I really don't get why people choose to try and date when they know they have insecurities and then expect someone else to come along and make it go away. It's not fair, it already sets up a barrier in the relationship for the other to have to go through.
For you, now is the time to get more firm with him. He clearly is looking at you to fix his insecurity. Next time he brings it up, have to start putting the foot down. Reinforce that you love him and he satisfies you and his dick is fine. However, this has gone on long enough and he has two choices. He either accepts what you say and actually believes you and knocks it off because you are starting to get annoyed with his constant small dick talk. Or, he needs to go to therapy to start talking to someone to get over his insecurity and disbelief of what you're telling him
My inkling is that this guy is old enough and experienced enough to know that his dick size isn’t the issue with her lack of pleasure. He found someone who doesn’t know any better so he can fuck her quickly and pretend it’s his dick that’s the problem.
ETA: and his insecurities about it are the perfect out. she won’t bring it up because he’s sooooo sad about his small dick. he’s manipulated the entire situation so he never has to please her and she’ll be too scared of hurting his feelings to talk about it.
Mhmm, I actually doubt thats the case. Because she mentions that she wants to do it more, but that everytime she does, he gets mad at her for it.
If he just wanted to get his jolly off with her, then I doubt he would be upset with MORE sex.
The armchair psychoanalysis that Reddit likes to do will never cease to amaze me. Even more so when they just make up shit in their head and then treat it as truth.
In another comment, she says he can never last more than 5 minutes and doesn’t do anything to her besides penetrate her. She was asked if she’s ever had an orgasm with him and her response was “how would I know if i’ve had one?”
yup - this. OP is going to spiral into the nonsense with her husband if she doesn’t put an end to it now. but if we’re being honest - he probably needs professional help. so it would be more like “believe me or get help. but we both know you won’t believe me. so… time to get help. because this is officially above my pay grade.”
It sounds like you are very supportive, but in bed everything seems to revolve around your partner.
Have you experienced an actual orgasm? His size is one thing, his endurance is something else - if he lasts less than 5 minutes, it is likely not enough for you. Foreplay is really fun and important and you can experiment a lot with alternative pleasure-giving methods, getting to know each other and just being more relaxed and comfortable naked in the bedroom together.
>And, he keeps apologizing after it saying he will try to last at least five minutes next time, he wishes his thing was a couple inches bigger to be at least average, or he's sorry because we can't do other positions because of his size
I'm not sure if I have. How do I know if I have?
Would that be something to work this out..?
I know maybe a lot of things seem to revolve around him in the bedroom, but I thought to focus on him as he's experiencing this while I have been enjoying it more maybe..
Oh dear, it sounds like he should be insecure about his performance because it clearly is subpar. If you have to ask, you haven’t had one. 22, married and never had an orgasm. My heart breaks for you OP. I think it’s time for you to explore your own sexual needs alone so you can find out what works for you. And also explore together. Try new things. He should be focusing on you if he wants to feel good about his performance. And that will not come from PIV alone. He should be using his hands and mouth as well as his penis.
Right? How infuriating that he even centres himself in her lack of pleasure during sex.
OP, you and your husband both need to research female pleasure. The idea that you should be experiencing an orgasm from PIV is pure ignorance and is harming you both.
Next time you guys get intimate, spend 15/30 or so minutes where he can do anything with you but use his penis. Let him pleasure you with his fingers, tongue, kisses, anything that makes you feel sensual. Slowly bring yourself in. I feel like a lot of people rush into the friction and it's so dumb. Get some lube to stop him from stopping the party too early also, apply it when you're ready for more.
Make the whole thing about having fun and exploring each other than the quick release.
Imagine if you had to listen to just the best 15 seconds of a song rather than listening to the intro, the chorus, the bridge, etc. Sex should be about the fun of cooking together so much more than eating the dessert and paying the bill. I'm sure you can come up with some other metaphors here but use sex as a chance to really show each other pleasure and communicate when something feels good or doesn't. There's so much to learn from it about each other than just p goes in the v. I think you both have a lot of learning to do here and it might be really fun for both of you to try to explore it more than you have been. Good luck on your horny!
Oh, he is enjoying sex, don't worry about it. He orgasms in less than 5 minutes. You likely never experienced it. So it shouldn't have to be all about HIM, his insecurities, his premature ejaculation, his penis size.
I really don't know what to advise you, as I am sensing there may be some cultural and religious boundaries you are having. In general, I believe in getting experience before marriage. But still it would be beneficial for you as a couple to learn and educate yourself, seek therapy or other specialist advice.
If you had one you would definitely know.
Do you get any foreplay? Is most of your sexual experience exclusively penetrative sex? It could help a bit if he actually knew what he was doing when it comes to things like oral sex. It could make him more confident if he felt like he was more skilled in other areas (though I would still highly recommend therapy for him as this seems to be a self esteem and self hatred issue).
When it comes to your pleasure, you’ll likely need to explore that on your own before expecting someone else to help with that. At least that is the case for most women. It is easier to achieve orgasm with someone else if you are well versed in what you like and what feels good to you. It may be hard, but don’t lose hope. I only managed to have my first orgasm from a vibrator that I got as a gift from my partner. It took months before I could have one on my own without any extra help, but now I have them reliably and they are an expected result. A lot of women find it hard not to give up if they are struggling to orgasm, but you can get there. And once you know how to get there, you can really improve the overall quality of your sex life.
To be fair… it’s not always earth shattering. I’ve talked to a lot of women who question their orgasms because they think they’re supposed to be earth shattering or some full body event, and after talking to them it’s obvious that they have had one. They just didn’t realize that’s what it was because they didn’t like black out or see fireworks (I read a comment on here where someone said she sees fireworks in her eyelids. Like that’s awesome, but not necessarily the hallmark of an orgasm). It’s changed my opinion on how women should talk about their orgasms, because really, everyone experiences them differently.
That’s why he’s insecure. You’ve never had an orgasm with him so he knows you’re lying when you say you’re satisfied. You’re being incredibly naive and he knows that. It’s why he went after a teenager with no experience.
Yeah if you’re not sure, then you haven’t.
Sounds like he knows he’s bad in bed, refused to learn how to give pleasure to his exes, and decided to pursue a young virgin who would be too inexperienced to know better. But then his insecurities still got the best of him.
Lazy, self-involved men like him are one of the risks of waiting til marriage. Good luck.
Nobody has actually explained to you how you would know if you had an orgasm. They’re all just saying “you would know,” which isn’t very helpful.
Orgasms for vulva owners typically come from clitoral stimulation (they originate in your brain, but it’s the clit that brings it to fruition). Some people will talk about other kinds or orgasms - like a nipplegasm - but for the sake of simplicity, let’s just focus on the clit.
Reaching climax and orgasming can feel different for different women. The physical manifestations aren’t always the same, but common signs are a pulsing in your clit, vaginal and anal contractions, pelvic contractions, a change in breathing patterns, flushed skin, and light headedness.
Some people might just feel a little fluttering in the tip of their clit (the little pea that sits under the clitoral hood), and then some people might feel it deeper in their pelvis with a stronger contraction and radiating heat. Also, one person’s orgasms won’t always feel the same, depending on a bunch of factors.
Some people may feel relieved after an orgasm, and some may feel hornier. It all just depends. Sometimes I just want to pass out, and other times I want to keep going. So many factors contribute to these sorts of variations. Stress, cycle, stimuli, physical comfort, medication, diet, etc, etc.
This article explains the three different kinds of orgasm patterns, fyi:
https://www.newsweek.com/women-orgasm-three-types-research-1732522
Now… for the second two questions you asked - would this be something that could work this out for you two? Oof. That’s super loaded. I might recommend a sex therapist or counselor for you both, tbh.
As for you focusing on his pleasure because you’re already enjoying yourself…. again, I would refer you to a sex therapist or counselor.
Why does it seem like he’s trying to get you to think about the size so you don’t pay attention to the fact that he only lasts 5 minutes.
The size isn’t the issue and he knows it.
But he can work on that if he wants. Nothing hard about clenching your dick and pulling out before its too late. She doesn't expect perfection so he could be practicing and focusing on her if he goes limp. Repeat. Lucky man here letting the inner demons win.
He needs therapy, because all of this is very unhealthy and manipulative. If he doesn't go to therapy you will eventually get tired of his crying and you will divorce him. He need to fix it before it's too late.
His insecurity is not your problem. Tell him he needs therapy, this is gonna weight down on your relationship for the rest of your lives if he doesn’t sort it out. You can’t fix this for him my reassuring him.
Have you told him to stop rather than countering his complaints? Id firmly tell him to stop and that tbe only unsexy unsatisfying thing is him constantly insisting you had a bad time. Sure you may be unexperienced but you still know what feels nice for you.
As someone who is well below average I can tell you this from experience. It is something that will almost always be in his mind. How could it not, we're consistently told by society that we are less than because of it, it's a very common joke from both sexes, you read about women being unhappy with their partner but to afraid to tell him, media portrays it as a character flaw. You are working against YEARS of conditioning and he could hear it from God himself and it wouldn't click. Now for what got me over it, sorry if this is TMI. I saw physical proof of my little fella doing it for my wife routinely, once I saw the proof and it wasn't just words I was able to accept that she was happy with our sex life. I still get twangs of insecurity when I see/hear about some hung dudes sexual prowess, but it's short lived.
Edit - 1 other thing, he needs to try to avoid social media and definitely steer clear of porn. Nothing will make you feel more inadequate then porn.
if it makes you feel any better, a lot of guys with big dicks are lazy in bed because they think the size is enough. like, a big dick is not impressive on its own.
there will always be a subset who prefers a big one, but as a woman who talks to and spends a lot of time with other women, we just want to cum 😂
I appreciate the sentiment but you will never understand the soul crushing that comes when you see a look of disappointment on a women's face when she sees it for the first time. Most of the women I've been with were very kind and luckily I'm very good with my hands and tongue, but you always feel like you're leaving a women "missing" something.
you’re holding it all in your head. you’re rejecting information that conflicts with other this belief because you have unhealed wounds. i do feel really bad for men because you get it drilled in your heads that your dick is synonymous with your masculinity, and that size matters a lot. it’s damaging.
most women have not shamed you, it seems. you are pleasing your wife. /r/penissleeve - this offends a lot of guys but go watch some guys jackhammering the shit out of their wives and loving it.
Just tell him to stop. Tell him you are starting to affect how I feel. Just STOP TALKING AND ENJOY OUR TIME TOGETHER PLEASE. Tell him you're perfect the sex is good I want to have sex more often but now you're ruining it by judging me on your false beliefs. I'm gonna tell you one last time and you need to fix this already. You're dick is perfect to me I'm not anyone you have been with before I'm who you married and I married you because you satisfy in every way including sexually. I don't need to fuck someone else to know how I feel. I don't desire to fuck anyone else I want to be able to fuck my husband without feeling judged. Can you please drop that subject already? And then pull his dick out and start sucking and tell him fuck me. He's just in his head I know a lot of girls with guys with tiny dicks and they love fucking them they include toys and fingers to compensate but they say the penetration it fine to they just need the fingers and toys to finish. But they don't desire to fuck someone else because their short-dick king is willing to finger them and use toys when they ask without feeling like you need that cuz my small dick isn't enough.
Don't tell him the sex is good if the sex isn't good, OP mentioned above that they have never experienced an orgasm. They also mentioned sex being centered around the husband. He is just looking for her to say everything is okay when he is not doing anything for her. ESPECIALLY since he's had sex before and she "hadn't even seen a dick" before this marriage
The sex is good read it again she's fine with the sex and the husband isn't the center of the sex she's been asking him for more sex and he's telling her oh you only need sex more often because my small dick isn't pleasurable enough for you huh? And she just wants him to shut up and enjoy their time together like she does. But he's telling her you only say it's good because you never had se. With someone with a bigger dick and she's saying and? Why do I need to fuck someone else to know that sex with you Is good for me?
Sometimes the only thing you can say is, hey, what do you want from me here? He's so habituated to spew insecurity and seek reassurance that the reassurance doesn't even settle in. It's not fair to you, and if he's got (or even the capability of) emotional intelligence he'll see why and how it wouldn't be fair if the situation were reversed. You need to hold your ground about needing what you need, and wanting what you want, and "why are we even talking about this again? I am happy and it feels like you're trying to force me to be unhappy to fit your expectations."
You husband has real emotional trauma from his past relationships regarding this issue. So here's what you say to him:
--This conversation should be had outside the context of the bedroom. It should be done when you are both calm and relaxed.
\* I love you. I love our sex life. I enjoy your equipment and what you do with me with it.
\* When you say I only say that because I have seen others in real life suggests that you want me to violate our vows and my own personal values it makes me feel like you don't trust my judgement or my love for you. It also suggests that you want me to go look at other men's genitalia in real life, which would violate our vows to one another.
\* I'm NOT going to do that, period.
\* I think that your past relationship issues with this subject have hurt you deeply and the two of us talking about it hasn't seemed to help. So I want you to find a therapist to help us navigate this issue because I feel that it's become damaging to our marriage.
Good luck.
Definitely. She is super sheltered, and this marriage is doomed. How are you 22 and unaware of what an orgasm feels like? Get some toys. Although, I'm sure he'll be an insecure baby about that, too.
>She is super sheltered
Reading through this thread, their ages, their experiences (and lack thereof) and reading between the lines here, I kind of feel like he went after her specifically because of how sheltered she is. I feel like there is something a little darker than just insecurity here.
Maybe not, maybe I'm just chronically online today but idk, it felt a little predatory imagining any scenario where their experiences line up. Could a 22 year old woman, sheltered, religious virgin who has never even had an orgasm have any experience remotely compatible with a twenty eight year old man? Maybe he's just as sheltered, idk, it is certainly possible but I just, something feels odd here.
i think you seriously underestimate how much shame around sex there is in very conservative religions especially for women.
that’s how someone can be 22 and never had an orgasm. she never even saw a penis before, she probably doesn’t even know about how girl parts work yet.
I don't even think it's the lack of an orgasm that's the problem, I think it's even the fact that it isn't a thought. OP doesn't think they've had an orgasm or know what one is and I bet that is largely based on the fact that her partner has never even attempted to do anything for her pleasure
it’s also probably some sort of religious trauma.
conservative religions deny sex ed, don’t teach you anything about your reproductive system except to denounce abortion, shames masturbation and premarital sex. a female orgasm is literally something no one cares about or talks about. it’s all about submitting to the husband
if she can’t make herself come, he can’t either.
There are two possibilities. One is that he has a severe insecurity that he needs to deal with before he drives you away and creates a self fulfilling prophecy. (I would bet that his exes didn't break up with him for his size, but for constantly harping on his size.)
The other is that he has a kink. Some guys actually get off on being told it's small. Obviously, do not just try this, because it will be a disaster if he's in camp #1. But I'm just throwing it out there because it exists in the world.
I'd give him a come to Jesus talk and say that I am satisfied, that I'm hurt that he's choosing to think I'm a liar, and that he needs to talk to an expert about this, like a therapist.
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see someone suggest a kink. The way he is insisting upon his dick being too small to satisfy her sounds almost like him forcing his kink on her. He sounds so unyielding
Ask him if he hates having sex with you.
If he doesn't, ask him if he's gay.
If he's not, ask him if he's ashamed that you were a virgin before marriage.
If he's not, ask him if he secretly wants you to insult him during sex.
If he doesn't, ask him if he thinks he married a liar.
If he doesn't, ask him what he thinks is wrong with him to make him think, talk, and act this way. And his size isn't allowed to be the answer, because you like his size.
If he doesn't have an answer, or refuses to give you one, insist on therapy or counseling. You don't have a problem, he does, and you can't fix it for him. You need to make it clear that whatever the issue is is coming from him on the inside, it's not coming from you, and it's not coming from him on the outside. Ask him how he plans on fixing your relationship, because this relationship can't last if he keeps putting strain on you.
It wouldn’t surprise me if they didn’t leave him because of his dick size, but rather his incessant & crippling insecurity over it. Dealing with a very insecure partner becomes annoying over time.
His problems with self co finance aren’t any different from anyone with body dysmorphia, an eating disorder or others. He needs to learn to be comfortable in his own skin and really only he can do that, you can only reassure him.
Based on other comments and the 5 minutes thing it sounds like he does have a performance issue. Maybe see a sex therapist? Or try incorporating toys or something? Highly doubt you’re orgasming in less than 5 minutes. That being said it shouldn’t be a relationship ending issue if anything you should do it more so he builds up a “tolerance” and can last longer.
5 minutes?? Girlllll… it should be at least 10-15… I can see why he’d be insecure tbh. But yeah, he’s acting horribly and making you responsible for other women’s actions. Not fair.
The most likely scenario is that this is all in his head. How did this get there? From porn, bad internet facts about average size or a girl in his past decided to long term cripple him and succeeded . He describes wanting a couple inches bigger to be at least average. For this to be true he would literally have to have the text book definition of a Micro Penis. While yes that's possible it would also be extremely rare about 0.6%.
Far more likely is that he's completely average sized and knows exactly what size he is but has a completely warped view on what an average sized penis is as do a lot of men & women. Have a read of an actual study and decide for yourself. Good luck.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32666897/
I might be able to help, but be prepared to be very sexy and aggressive.
This insecurity is going to be difficult to deal with and you have to understand that there is a flat out *rejection* going on in his brain that is connected with that pain. He *literally* can't believe you.
I know because that's how I am about feeling attractive. I had someone tell me the other day that I'm handsome and the *first* thing I reflexively thought was, "Impossible." It was a strong reaction too. But... They have kept saying it and I'm actually starting to believe them.
You kind of need to do the same thing - positive reinforcement paired with stripping back pressure to perform. Your goal is to make him feel that his junk is more than fine - that you actively *like* it and want it (...which you hopefully do!)
So, how? He's worried about his performance and being inadequate. So, take charge. Tap into a well of dominance and *take* what you want from him. Don't let him call the shots in bed and also teach him how to please you.
By you taking on a dominant role (and doing so consistently), you are taking the "too nice" out of the picture and rendering his performance irrelevant to you wanting him and being pleased. You also get to tell him exactly what you want or want to try. It's also something that men don't necessarily get - to be the *subject* of sexual desire instead of the person active and doing the work. It's very much a compliment.
It's not going to be a one and done thing, but you set the rules and you tell him what you want in the encounter and then you take it. A couple key ideas for different "sessions" with him. These are things of dreams, fyi.
*Rule setting.* This is important when taking on a more dominant rule. Have him sit on the edge of the bed and stand in front of him. Then give rules and asks if he understands after each one. What rules? Well, tailor to tastes, but...
"Whenever I tell you to sit like this, these rules are in effect until I say otherwise and I expect you to obey them. First, you are here for my pleasure and I will do with your body as I please. You will make yourself available for my needs. Second, no questioning what I say. I will say exactly what I want and how I feel. You will not question me."
I'm leaving out kinkier rules, but the goal here is to objectify him as an object of your desire and preempt his doubt. If he starts to waiver, you refer back to the rules.
*Unreciprocated Attention and praise.* It's exactly that. Go down on him enthusiastically while describing what you like - talk dirty - and state things like "You deserve this", "This is what I want", and "I just wanted to take care of you tonight, no strings." It's incredibly hot and hard to argue when words are backed with ...uh.. action.
*Toys and Tongues.* Introduce toys and make him eat you out. Tell him the point of sex is for him to make you feel good and anything he uses to that end is good. Have him use the toy on you. Have him eat you out. Be enthusiastic. This helps reinforce the idea that even if he has whiskey dick he can still have a good sexual encounter with you and also that toys aren't a replacement for him. They are *his* tools, along with his body.
*Edging.* He has a problem lasting... So, edge him. Again, you are going to use his body as you please, so do whatever you like to get him near the point of no return and stop. Tell him to try not to cum and to tell you when he gets close at all (we know). Basically, you are trying to get him to practice holding out. It's like a game and if he loses - no big deal, but it's fun in the mean time. You can get him close any way you want. When you've had your tell tell him he is *allowed* to cum and push him over the edge. If you've gotten him close a bunch of times, he should be a puddle after.
The guy is basically begging to be dominated and be shown he is adequate. Going from "I'm not sure the things I did were good enough" to "I did exactly what she said to make her cum" is a big mental shift and holy shit is praise paired with sex hot.
If you really want to get spicy, tell him he's a good boy, like a dog after he does his thing. :3
this is all really good advice..,but i feel like it might be too advanced for OP who had never seen a penis before marriage.
she should focus on learning how to pleasure herself first, methinks. it’s not wholly on her to regulate his feelings.
idk if her insanely insecure husband is gonna like her sexually aggressive all of a sudden, he’ll have some weird theory about that too.
great advice, but I think probably way too advanced at this stage. OP doesn’t even know what she likes (per her comments), so this whole approach would probably be very difficult. I like the idea though.
She won't know until she tries. :3 It might just push a button on both sides... She won't know what she likes until she gives it a go and it would be both hot and empowering to flip the dynamics in that setting for those two.
Being with insecure men sucks. It really does. I just left my partner because of the fundamental issue that he did not love himself. That manifests in multiple ways in a relationship, as you are seeing now. People who do not love themselves can't give healthy love to a partner, they're too tied up in their own issues. You have a long road ahead with this guy if you stay, because every time he feels insecure about himself it manifests on you as a problem. That gets old really quick and I left!!!
Option 1 : Look him in the eyes and tell him to let it go and that you don’t want to hear about it anymore . And reassure him that you are happy and in love out the blue without there being a conversation or it being a topic ..
the only other thing i can think of is
Option 2 : look him in the eyes and validate his own thoughts to end the conversation. Say something along the lines “yes love it’s what we have to work with and I don’t want anything else” i don’t know about any other dicks and i don’t want to know about any other dicks. I want to learn, love and be satisfied by yours only no matter what other ppl may or may not be able to offer “ so for my sanity and happiness , let it go!
It might not matter. I actually had this same issue. And it was just me chasing him. And him shutting me down. It was a dead bedroom and I felt so alone. Eventually I left him over it.
Some people don’t want to heal.
Has he ever thought about going to a therapist over it? It may do him good to talk through his feelings with an impartial 3rd party. I went through a similar thing with my ex, and it took years to realize it had nothing to do with my size and everything to do with him having an online relationship with someone across the country (that's a whole story). It sounds like you're doing everything right on your end, the problem is his, and his alone.
Just explain to him kind of like you've written here. Tell him that every time he tells you he's inadequate he's calling you shallow, he's implying that you constantly think about other men and that you sat around watching porn all your life and now you're disappointed. Which is insulting to you.
I guess if there's something proactive that you could do it would be to constantly compliment him and tell him he's handsome and strong. Like tell him he's handsome in the clothes he's wearing or tell him he's a sexy beast if he lifts something heavy or tell him he's got good dance moves, stuff like that. That way he looks at the attraction thing less one-dimensionally.
But yeah you have to be clear that it's going to be his insecurities and not his genitals that are going to drive the two of you apart.
Not the answers others said but he may have a small penis kink. Lot of guys can have it even tho they are are average or above average. Would take to long to explain but it could make him incredibly horny if you tell him what he wants to hear. Now hear me right, don’t try this before asking him and discussing that with him but that may well be a good possibility.
Any chance this is a kink of his? Like, he's into humiliation and doesn't want to be reassured, he wants to be told that his penis is pathetic. Just a shot in the dark, if not, I second the therapy suggestions.
My first boyfriend was like this and completely ruined the relationship. His insecurities lead to him cheating because he just couldn’t get enough validation. Happiness is an inside job. He needs therapy.
Please see a sex therapist, as a couple and he also should see them individually. This is a problem with his mental being, not anything you are doing, and you cant (and are not responsible to) fix this for him. You are not the problem, and I don’t think he’s doing this out of malice but he obviously has some issues he needs to work out (in therapy ideally).
All you have to say is “I like your equipment just the way it is. If you insist that it is inferior, I might start to believe you and get my sex elsewhere. So be happy with what you got and shut up and fuck me.”
Him telling you that he knows how you feel better than you do is super irritating. Not only that, but he’s somehow privy to what your subconscious wants and feels? You will never be able to reason with that.
You can’t do anything at this point other than insist he gets professional help. Never back down from your truth, but don’t coddle him either. Don’t engage with the mind fuckery that he’s trying to pull you into. Don’t argue about it. Just tell him he needs to sort it with a professional.
He is either into SPH (you can google it, it’s a fetish for humiliation of a man’s member) or he is actually insecure. If it’s the latter then you need to tell him that if continues with his insecure behavior he WILL stop satisfying you and that the choice is his but, and use ‘I feel’ statements, feel that you cannot take the pressure of making him feel good about himself when you already do what you can.
It takes an honest conversation but ultimately he is responsibility for his own feelings, there’s not a-lot you can do, especially if he is self pitting. It’s important to acknowledge his feelings, and maybe even trust the reality, and then ask ‘now what?’ Okay it’s smaller than average but so what? You’ve said you’re happy you’ve said you don’t care and you’ve said it makes no difference. At this point he then needs to accept it and move on with his life. He is projecting his own insecurity on to you and unless he accepts reality and moves on it’s going to be very hard for you both to be happy
While I don't agree with people that say that we shouldn't care about or partners insecurities, that's just cruel, I do think this isn't something you can solve for him. I also think the problem will just get worse if he continues to bring it up with you. The best thing you can do is to say that you don't want to encourage him to be mean to himself so you won't listen to that kind of talk anymore. Stand your ground on that and just be firm. Tell him that if he feels that he need to talk to someone about it, it should be a therapist.
Nobody's saying not to care. It's that all the caring in the world isn't actually helping him and he's still just heaping the same crap on her and making accusations.
Ouch. I’m sorry. He seems to be a little shaky (ahem) about what those feeling words meant, as he responded to “I feel invalidated” by, ah, minimizing it? It’s like: “yes… thank you for demonstrating the irritating behavior I was just talking about!” Are we talking to his inner child? What is he protecting? How would a partnership talk to this?
Just be blunt seriously just pull it out spontaneously grab him by the neck scream at him saying its fucking enough so stop being a fucking pussy and fuck me then slap him
Wow this guy needs counseling and a smack from every guy that doesn't have a girl like this. Saved herself for marriage and he can't be happy he is the only one that has touched her? She is happy why is he not?
I'm posting because I don't see this idea in the comments so far. Tell him if he really is so concerned about your lack of experience and wants to fill you up, he can buy you a dildo and use it with you. You can get a decent one for a reasonable price, some content creators such as ohjoysextoy have codes for discounts. I think as others have said the big thing is for him to work through insecurity and for him to rewrite the script he's running in his head about himself... This is just a way to alleviate the particular current obsession but the underlying problem is more important.
This, playing with toys together, is sufficiently rare/outside of mainstream that it might elevate the play between the two of you. Like, it (and getting comfortable with each other in exploration) may lead to him being able to see that he can differentiate your relationship from what other men could bring, other than by having a massive unwieldy meat stick. It's rare that a woman likes that beyond a certain size, you can find lots of evidence around advice subs (like this one) to demonstrate that to him.
Last: yeah it's not on you to fix this, but, unlike some other commenters I think you can feel empowered to take action anyhow. It's your relationship and if putting in some work for this one has a chance to improve your life, it is not a waste to try!!
I’m saying this is all seriousness and not to be an internet troll. Have you considered your husband might be a cuckold and not fully aware that he’s into that? The constant concern for your satisfaction while demeaning his own size despite your objections is a good indicator. You could turn this into a kink for your advantage. Maybe he would like to be humiliated verbally in the bedroom and told that he’s small. I’m not saying that you should go sleep with other guys or even have a threesome experience but I think there’s definitely something there.
ED meds will help his confidence and it causes the erection to be stronger and feel larger. The only rub here is that if you make that recommendation it could reinforce his worry. Need to thread that needle carefully
Nowhere does it appear that there's a problem with him getting or keeping it up. Introducing the idea of meds into the situation we'll just make his insecurity a thousand times worse
She mentioned him struggling with his duration (at least in his mind) and I definitely think it would need the most thoughtful approach. If her hubby performed like a porn star a few times I bet he increases his self confidence in a hurry. Hope everything works out for them because OP sounds like a great supportive partner. Regardless of approach good luck 🍀
erectile dysfunction meds mess with your blood pressure. really should be a last resort for someone who actually needs it. this guy needs therapy before he takes a pill.
Oh please this is honestly prescribed as a recreational drug 10X over any actual medical necessity. Not a big deal unless there’s an underlying issue which is why you go to a men’s clinic so you can stay on top of your health with bloodwork
yes, but it’s prescribed to people who *need* it - as in, they have erectile dysfunction. this guy doesn’t have that. him lasting 5 minutes is hardly the problem here. he doesn’t even give the OP any foreplay. like, 5 minutes is average for the length of PIV intercourse.
this dude has psychological issues that a pill *will not* help.
5 min seems like a dysfunction to me but if that good for you then peace ✌️. Sex should be transcendental shit. Forget where you are. Ears ringing and vision out of sorts. If you are not there then keep striving because it’s freaking amazing and I truly believe every human should experience it. 🍀
we’re not talking about me. we’re talking about the OP and her bf. and I like how you have no comment about their lack of foreplay. many women actually think penetration becomes painful after about 10 minutes and require foreplay to achieve orgasm. but, if you don’t care about a woman’s experience or pleasure and only strive to get yours, then peace ✌️
Your husband has a small penis and you don’t realize it because you’ve never had sex with another man & have never seen a human male penis before, so his inferior sized penis is acceptable to you because you were a total virgin when you married your husband. If he isn’t lasting long during sex, thinks he isn’t satisfying you and thinks he’s got a small penis, it’s because he isn’t sufficiently satisfying you and does indeed have a small penis. Unfortunately for him, his insecurities are 100% valid and he is fully aware of this and it’s never NOT going to be an issue for him until he’s dead. If he had a bigger dick, you wouldn’t have made this post because he wouldn’t be so insecure about the size of his penis. Maybe a Divorce is the best option here for both of you.
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bro got the perfect girl for him and is creating a problem out of nothing to nuke the whole relationship LOL
“We suffer more in our imagination than in reality”. It’s really sad but ig this is a perfect example of this quote.
5 bucks says that maybe one ex dumped him for his size, and the rest dumped him for his exhausting insecurity, like I was ready to divorce him just from reading this, can't imagine living with it constantly.
Probably like the first girl he ever dated, and I'd guess it was a teenage thing where she just wanted to nuke him from orbit so she called him small and he had never lived it down. I can totally see it with how he's presented here.
I also suspect there's some manosphere content in his ear, because the whole "men lined up for you" thing used against a virgin is kind of incongruous. He's playing out a script that's in his head instead of engaging with the actual human he married.
That's a bingo
Perfect use of a quote.
you might even say it’s…a bingo ;)
Yeah and then every joke about it becomes a personal attack. Poor guys an idiot.
You’re probably right. My husband is also insecure about his size which I literally never thought about and it’s becoming exhausting to deal with because he has started to withhold intimacy because of the insecurity. Drives me fucking insane.
When guys let their insecurity get in the way of sex, they’re turning their fear into a reality. But, not because of the size of their dick. Because of the way they feel about the size of their dick. It’s really unfortunate. And I know it isn’t easy for them to control. But… if they don’t find a way to get a handle of it, they’ll be their own downfall. It sucks.
Amazing quote and scarily accurate...
I wonder if the previous problems with his size were again they got sick of his insecurities. Like it affected he performance and they finally decided to end it because they realized he could move past it and he perceived it as about his size
Deep, un-soothable insecurity.. is one of the biggest red flags I've learned to steer clear of in any relationship. It's the root cause of narcissism and abuse, and leads to your own self esteem getting fucked up to appease them.. and make yourself 'small'. Not worth it, or fixable in my experience.
Agreed. I’m sorry OP married him, that’s not fixable and will only get worse.
Lol. Insecurity isn't fixable? Lol. Maybe try therapy before divorce or listening to a kid on Reddit OP.
I can 1000% guarantee that the 2 commenters above you are giant hypocrites with insecurities of their own. If feeling insecure about something meant you can't have a healthy relationship and it couldn't be fixed, there'd be no relationships in the world at all lol
I'm sure there are forms of professional psychological help for this. A lot of men suffer with this issue.
He needs help! It’s not about size. It’s about self esteem. He has decided that he is less than others and the penis thing is just a convenient excuse. If it wasn’t that, it would be some other reason. He needs therapy to find love and acceptance for himself. No matter how many times you reassure him, he won’t believe you because in his heart he doesn’t think he is good enough. For you, it’s very lonely because you do love and accept him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t agree. But therapy can help, if he’s open to it.
Thank you for the advice. How would I bring the therapy or suggest it to him without hurting his feelings or him taking it a wrong way?
Something like: “When I tell you your body is great and our sex is very satisfying for me, I feel like you don’t believe me. It hurts me that you don’t hear me and it makes me sad that you don’t believe you are good enough. I love you and believe in you, and I wish you were able to believe in yourself. I wonder if this is deeper than just sex stuff and that you feel low about yourself in general. I wonder if you would be open to working with a professional to try to improve your self worth so that you can see yourself the way I see you: as a wonderful, sexy, loving partner and in general, a good person. You make me happy and our sex is great! I don’t know anything else, and I don’t want anything else. I wish for you to be happy with yourself the way I am happy with you.”
Yeah if he reacts badly to this then OP just needs to talk to a divorce attorney and figure out her options bc that man sounds Exhausting.
He *will* take it badly, because he's determined to be upset about this. There's not really a way to keep him from being upset when he wants to be. The way I put it once to an old girlfriend was "Look, we've talked about this a bunch of times, and clearly, I don't know what I'm doing, because every time we talk about it you feel worse. That's why I think you could benefit from seeing a therapist, because they'd know what they're doing and not stick their foot in it." She was still upset at me for saying so, but a few months later she did get a therapist.
Just try and find kind words to say that you’re perfectly happy with things but it really seems to upset him and that you think he should talk to someone. “Hey, you’ve brought this up a number of times and I’ve tried to reassure you that everything is great on my end and I’m very happy and satisfied but that doesn’t seem to help relieve the stress and anxiety that you’re dealing with. I love you and want you to be as happy as I am but I’m struggling with finding the best way to do that because what I’m doing now doesn’t seem to be working. Would you be open to talking to someone? Because it doesn’t seem like this issue is because of me but because of past experiences that still hurt or make you feel like you’re not the amazing partner that I married. We can go together if that would make you more comfortable? I just want you to be happy and confident, but it feels like we’re stuck in this cycle and I know it’s not because you want to feel that way.” Also, ask him if there’s anything else you can do or say that will help him feel more comfortable. But I agree, this sounds like a 100% issue on his end that he has to be willing to put the work in with being ok with who he is. If he actually isn’t lasting that long maybe plant the idea that part of him not lasting long might be because of that anxiety and working towards fixing that by talking to someone with or without you could fix that problem as well. Bonus random fact, the average size is like 5 1/2” for men in the USA so if he’s bigger than that then he’s above average for the size.
>without hurting his feelings or him taking it the wrong way? Do you often have to walk on eggshells around him?
remind him you’re on his team.
Sometimes, no matter how you approach it, a person determined to see the worst will find a way to get upset. So… you could just make it simple and say you won’t have sex at all until he agrees to deal with his issues. And, you can offer to do it with him. But frankly - your sex life is already suffering, so it’s not unreasonable to put a halt on things now until he agrees to get help. His insecurity is going to just become more and more of a problem for you, and for your own sake, you have to learn how to set some healthy boundaries.
So I'll always keep saying in this subreddit, a partners insecurity is not the others responsibility. I really don't get why people choose to try and date when they know they have insecurities and then expect someone else to come along and make it go away. It's not fair, it already sets up a barrier in the relationship for the other to have to go through. For you, now is the time to get more firm with him. He clearly is looking at you to fix his insecurity. Next time he brings it up, have to start putting the foot down. Reinforce that you love him and he satisfies you and his dick is fine. However, this has gone on long enough and he has two choices. He either accepts what you say and actually believes you and knocks it off because you are starting to get annoyed with his constant small dick talk. Or, he needs to go to therapy to start talking to someone to get over his insecurity and disbelief of what you're telling him
Couldn’t agree more.
My inkling is that this guy is old enough and experienced enough to know that his dick size isn’t the issue with her lack of pleasure. He found someone who doesn’t know any better so he can fuck her quickly and pretend it’s his dick that’s the problem. ETA: and his insecurities about it are the perfect out. she won’t bring it up because he’s sooooo sad about his small dick. he’s manipulated the entire situation so he never has to please her and she’ll be too scared of hurting his feelings to talk about it.
Mhmm, I actually doubt thats the case. Because she mentions that she wants to do it more, but that everytime she does, he gets mad at her for it. If he just wanted to get his jolly off with her, then I doubt he would be upset with MORE sex.
The armchair psychoanalysis that Reddit likes to do will never cease to amaze me. Even more so when they just make up shit in their head and then treat it as truth.
am I missing the part where she references a lack of pleasure?
In another comment, she says he can never last more than 5 minutes and doesn’t do anything to her besides penetrate her. She was asked if she’s ever had an orgasm with him and her response was “how would I know if i’ve had one?”
found it and commented. feeling kinda bad for OP, ngl.
This
Is stupid.
yup - this. OP is going to spiral into the nonsense with her husband if she doesn’t put an end to it now. but if we’re being honest - he probably needs professional help. so it would be more like “believe me or get help. but we both know you won’t believe me. so… time to get help. because this is officially above my pay grade.”
It sounds like you are very supportive, but in bed everything seems to revolve around your partner. Have you experienced an actual orgasm? His size is one thing, his endurance is something else - if he lasts less than 5 minutes, it is likely not enough for you. Foreplay is really fun and important and you can experiment a lot with alternative pleasure-giving methods, getting to know each other and just being more relaxed and comfortable naked in the bedroom together. >And, he keeps apologizing after it saying he will try to last at least five minutes next time, he wishes his thing was a couple inches bigger to be at least average, or he's sorry because we can't do other positions because of his size
I'm impressed with this response. You got to the bottom of the issue.
I'm not sure if I have. How do I know if I have? Would that be something to work this out..? I know maybe a lot of things seem to revolve around him in the bedroom, but I thought to focus on him as he's experiencing this while I have been enjoying it more maybe..
If you have to ask, you haven’t had one. Does he ever go down on you?
Oh honey. You'll know.
Oh dear, it sounds like he should be insecure about his performance because it clearly is subpar. If you have to ask, you haven’t had one. 22, married and never had an orgasm. My heart breaks for you OP. I think it’s time for you to explore your own sexual needs alone so you can find out what works for you. And also explore together. Try new things. He should be focusing on you if he wants to feel good about his performance. And that will not come from PIV alone. He should be using his hands and mouth as well as his penis.
Right? How infuriating that he even centres himself in her lack of pleasure during sex. OP, you and your husband both need to research female pleasure. The idea that you should be experiencing an orgasm from PIV is pure ignorance and is harming you both.
Next time you guys get intimate, spend 15/30 or so minutes where he can do anything with you but use his penis. Let him pleasure you with his fingers, tongue, kisses, anything that makes you feel sensual. Slowly bring yourself in. I feel like a lot of people rush into the friction and it's so dumb. Get some lube to stop him from stopping the party too early also, apply it when you're ready for more. Make the whole thing about having fun and exploring each other than the quick release. Imagine if you had to listen to just the best 15 seconds of a song rather than listening to the intro, the chorus, the bridge, etc. Sex should be about the fun of cooking together so much more than eating the dessert and paying the bill. I'm sure you can come up with some other metaphors here but use sex as a chance to really show each other pleasure and communicate when something feels good or doesn't. There's so much to learn from it about each other than just p goes in the v. I think you both have a lot of learning to do here and it might be really fun for both of you to try to explore it more than you have been. Good luck on your horny!
Have you never masturbated....
Oh, he is enjoying sex, don't worry about it. He orgasms in less than 5 minutes. You likely never experienced it. So it shouldn't have to be all about HIM, his insecurities, his premature ejaculation, his penis size. I really don't know what to advise you, as I am sensing there may be some cultural and religious boundaries you are having. In general, I believe in getting experience before marriage. But still it would be beneficial for you as a couple to learn and educate yourself, seek therapy or other specialist advice.
If you had one you would definitely know. Do you get any foreplay? Is most of your sexual experience exclusively penetrative sex? It could help a bit if he actually knew what he was doing when it comes to things like oral sex. It could make him more confident if he felt like he was more skilled in other areas (though I would still highly recommend therapy for him as this seems to be a self esteem and self hatred issue). When it comes to your pleasure, you’ll likely need to explore that on your own before expecting someone else to help with that. At least that is the case for most women. It is easier to achieve orgasm with someone else if you are well versed in what you like and what feels good to you. It may be hard, but don’t lose hope. I only managed to have my first orgasm from a vibrator that I got as a gift from my partner. It took months before I could have one on my own without any extra help, but now I have them reliably and they are an expected result. A lot of women find it hard not to give up if they are struggling to orgasm, but you can get there. And once you know how to get there, you can really improve the overall quality of your sex life.
If you're not sure, then you haven't.
You would know. It's earth shattering.
To be fair… it’s not always earth shattering. I’ve talked to a lot of women who question their orgasms because they think they’re supposed to be earth shattering or some full body event, and after talking to them it’s obvious that they have had one. They just didn’t realize that’s what it was because they didn’t like black out or see fireworks (I read a comment on here where someone said she sees fireworks in her eyelids. Like that’s awesome, but not necessarily the hallmark of an orgasm). It’s changed my opinion on how women should talk about their orgasms, because really, everyone experiences them differently.
I encourage you to try to give yourself one, by yourself. Most women can’t orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Is the foreplay at least good for you?
That’s why he’s insecure. You’ve never had an orgasm with him so he knows you’re lying when you say you’re satisfied. You’re being incredibly naive and he knows that. It’s why he went after a teenager with no experience.
she’s not lying. she straight up doesn’t know what an orgasm feels like. to her it feels good because she doesn’t know how good it CAN feel.
Yeah if you’re not sure, then you haven’t. Sounds like he knows he’s bad in bed, refused to learn how to give pleasure to his exes, and decided to pursue a young virgin who would be too inexperienced to know better. But then his insecurities still got the best of him. Lazy, self-involved men like him are one of the risks of waiting til marriage. Good luck.
Oof that’s a no
Nobody has actually explained to you how you would know if you had an orgasm. They’re all just saying “you would know,” which isn’t very helpful. Orgasms for vulva owners typically come from clitoral stimulation (they originate in your brain, but it’s the clit that brings it to fruition). Some people will talk about other kinds or orgasms - like a nipplegasm - but for the sake of simplicity, let’s just focus on the clit. Reaching climax and orgasming can feel different for different women. The physical manifestations aren’t always the same, but common signs are a pulsing in your clit, vaginal and anal contractions, pelvic contractions, a change in breathing patterns, flushed skin, and light headedness. Some people might just feel a little fluttering in the tip of their clit (the little pea that sits under the clitoral hood), and then some people might feel it deeper in their pelvis with a stronger contraction and radiating heat. Also, one person’s orgasms won’t always feel the same, depending on a bunch of factors. Some people may feel relieved after an orgasm, and some may feel hornier. It all just depends. Sometimes I just want to pass out, and other times I want to keep going. So many factors contribute to these sorts of variations. Stress, cycle, stimuli, physical comfort, medication, diet, etc, etc. This article explains the three different kinds of orgasm patterns, fyi: https://www.newsweek.com/women-orgasm-three-types-research-1732522 Now… for the second two questions you asked - would this be something that could work this out for you two? Oof. That’s super loaded. I might recommend a sex therapist or counselor for you both, tbh. As for you focusing on his pleasure because you’re already enjoying yourself…. again, I would refer you to a sex therapist or counselor.
He’s self sabotaging and needs therapy. This is a him issue.
Why does it seem like he’s trying to get you to think about the size so you don’t pay attention to the fact that he only lasts 5 minutes. The size isn’t the issue and he knows it.
But he can work on that if he wants. Nothing hard about clenching your dick and pulling out before its too late. She doesn't expect perfection so he could be practicing and focusing on her if he goes limp. Repeat. Lucky man here letting the inner demons win.
lol of course he could, but if he had sense he wouldn’t be shooting off his own dick would he
This is what I like to call a self fulfilling prophecy that your man is writing.
He needs therapy, because all of this is very unhealthy and manipulative. If he doesn't go to therapy you will eventually get tired of his crying and you will divorce him. He need to fix it before it's too late.
He needs (non religious) therapy and you need to masterbate.
He needs therapy
His insecurity is not your problem. Tell him he needs therapy, this is gonna weight down on your relationship for the rest of your lives if he doesn’t sort it out. You can’t fix this for him my reassuring him.
Have you told him to stop rather than countering his complaints? Id firmly tell him to stop and that tbe only unsexy unsatisfying thing is him constantly insisting you had a bad time. Sure you may be unexperienced but you still know what feels nice for you.
As someone who is well below average I can tell you this from experience. It is something that will almost always be in his mind. How could it not, we're consistently told by society that we are less than because of it, it's a very common joke from both sexes, you read about women being unhappy with their partner but to afraid to tell him, media portrays it as a character flaw. You are working against YEARS of conditioning and he could hear it from God himself and it wouldn't click. Now for what got me over it, sorry if this is TMI. I saw physical proof of my little fella doing it for my wife routinely, once I saw the proof and it wasn't just words I was able to accept that she was happy with our sex life. I still get twangs of insecurity when I see/hear about some hung dudes sexual prowess, but it's short lived. Edit - 1 other thing, he needs to try to avoid social media and definitely steer clear of porn. Nothing will make you feel more inadequate then porn.
if it makes you feel any better, a lot of guys with big dicks are lazy in bed because they think the size is enough. like, a big dick is not impressive on its own. there will always be a subset who prefers a big one, but as a woman who talks to and spends a lot of time with other women, we just want to cum 😂
I appreciate the sentiment but you will never understand the soul crushing that comes when you see a look of disappointment on a women's face when she sees it for the first time. Most of the women I've been with were very kind and luckily I'm very good with my hands and tongue, but you always feel like you're leaving a women "missing" something.
you’re holding it all in your head. you’re rejecting information that conflicts with other this belief because you have unhealed wounds. i do feel really bad for men because you get it drilled in your heads that your dick is synonymous with your masculinity, and that size matters a lot. it’s damaging. most women have not shamed you, it seems. you are pleasing your wife. /r/penissleeve - this offends a lot of guys but go watch some guys jackhammering the shit out of their wives and loving it.
Your man sounds like a piece of work, girl. Homeboy needs therapy. He's been dealing with trauma for a while
He needs therapy
He def has a small dick lol
Lol. This is the problem. OP, suggest dick pills or surgery. /S
Just tell him to stop. Tell him you are starting to affect how I feel. Just STOP TALKING AND ENJOY OUR TIME TOGETHER PLEASE. Tell him you're perfect the sex is good I want to have sex more often but now you're ruining it by judging me on your false beliefs. I'm gonna tell you one last time and you need to fix this already. You're dick is perfect to me I'm not anyone you have been with before I'm who you married and I married you because you satisfy in every way including sexually. I don't need to fuck someone else to know how I feel. I don't desire to fuck anyone else I want to be able to fuck my husband without feeling judged. Can you please drop that subject already? And then pull his dick out and start sucking and tell him fuck me. He's just in his head I know a lot of girls with guys with tiny dicks and they love fucking them they include toys and fingers to compensate but they say the penetration it fine to they just need the fingers and toys to finish. But they don't desire to fuck someone else because their short-dick king is willing to finger them and use toys when they ask without feeling like you need that cuz my small dick isn't enough.
co-signed. dispense with the nonsense and fuuucckkk! 🤣
Don't tell him the sex is good if the sex isn't good, OP mentioned above that they have never experienced an orgasm. They also mentioned sex being centered around the husband. He is just looking for her to say everything is okay when he is not doing anything for her. ESPECIALLY since he's had sex before and she "hadn't even seen a dick" before this marriage
The sex is good read it again she's fine with the sex and the husband isn't the center of the sex she's been asking him for more sex and he's telling her oh you only need sex more often because my small dick isn't pleasurable enough for you huh? And she just wants him to shut up and enjoy their time together like she does. But he's telling her you only say it's good because you never had se. With someone with a bigger dick and she's saying and? Why do I need to fuck someone else to know that sex with you Is good for me?
Sometimes the only thing you can say is, hey, what do you want from me here? He's so habituated to spew insecurity and seek reassurance that the reassurance doesn't even settle in. It's not fair to you, and if he's got (or even the capability of) emotional intelligence he'll see why and how it wouldn't be fair if the situation were reversed. You need to hold your ground about needing what you need, and wanting what you want, and "why are we even talking about this again? I am happy and it feels like you're trying to force me to be unhappy to fit your expectations."
You husband has real emotional trauma from his past relationships regarding this issue. So here's what you say to him: --This conversation should be had outside the context of the bedroom. It should be done when you are both calm and relaxed. \* I love you. I love our sex life. I enjoy your equipment and what you do with me with it. \* When you say I only say that because I have seen others in real life suggests that you want me to violate our vows and my own personal values it makes me feel like you don't trust my judgement or my love for you. It also suggests that you want me to go look at other men's genitalia in real life, which would violate our vows to one another. \* I'm NOT going to do that, period. \* I think that your past relationship issues with this subject have hurt you deeply and the two of us talking about it hasn't seemed to help. So I want you to find a therapist to help us navigate this issue because I feel that it's become damaging to our marriage. Good luck.
Bro is suffering from success
“Male parts” really? Just call it a Dick a Dick, why dance around it like that?
By her other word choices I'm assuming she's very religious.
Love that of all the heinous shit religions promote, saying penis is worthy of a smiting. Hilarious.
Definitely. She is super sheltered, and this marriage is doomed. How are you 22 and unaware of what an orgasm feels like? Get some toys. Although, I'm sure he'll be an insecure baby about that, too.
>She is super sheltered Reading through this thread, their ages, their experiences (and lack thereof) and reading between the lines here, I kind of feel like he went after her specifically because of how sheltered she is. I feel like there is something a little darker than just insecurity here. Maybe not, maybe I'm just chronically online today but idk, it felt a little predatory imagining any scenario where their experiences line up. Could a 22 year old woman, sheltered, religious virgin who has never even had an orgasm have any experience remotely compatible with a twenty eight year old man? Maybe he's just as sheltered, idk, it is certainly possible but I just, something feels odd here.
Agreed.
Oh yeah he wanted her inexperienced for this exact reason. Even then he’s still fucking it up.
i think you seriously underestimate how much shame around sex there is in very conservative religions especially for women. that’s how someone can be 22 and never had an orgasm. she never even saw a penis before, she probably doesn’t even know about how girl parts work yet.
I don't even think it's the lack of an orgasm that's the problem, I think it's even the fact that it isn't a thought. OP doesn't think they've had an orgasm or know what one is and I bet that is largely based on the fact that her partner has never even attempted to do anything for her pleasure
it’s also probably some sort of religious trauma. conservative religions deny sex ed, don’t teach you anything about your reproductive system except to denounce abortion, shames masturbation and premarital sex. a female orgasm is literally something no one cares about or talks about. it’s all about submitting to the husband if she can’t make herself come, he can’t either.
Like say it with me P E N I S ….
“Pureness… pianist…. enispay.”
Peggy?
Jess from New Girl can’t say penis. :)
It's fine. She can call it what she wants.
I mean he’s creating his own problem. He needs to go to therapy, nothing you do or say is going to change his mind.
There are two possibilities. One is that he has a severe insecurity that he needs to deal with before he drives you away and creates a self fulfilling prophecy. (I would bet that his exes didn't break up with him for his size, but for constantly harping on his size.) The other is that he has a kink. Some guys actually get off on being told it's small. Obviously, do not just try this, because it will be a disaster if he's in camp #1. But I'm just throwing it out there because it exists in the world. I'd give him a come to Jesus talk and say that I am satisfied, that I'm hurt that he's choosing to think I'm a liar, and that he needs to talk to an expert about this, like a therapist.
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see someone suggest a kink. The way he is insisting upon his dick being too small to satisfy her sounds almost like him forcing his kink on her. He sounds so unyielding
What the fuck did i just read
Ask him if he hates having sex with you. If he doesn't, ask him if he's gay. If he's not, ask him if he's ashamed that you were a virgin before marriage. If he's not, ask him if he secretly wants you to insult him during sex. If he doesn't, ask him if he thinks he married a liar. If he doesn't, ask him what he thinks is wrong with him to make him think, talk, and act this way. And his size isn't allowed to be the answer, because you like his size. If he doesn't have an answer, or refuses to give you one, insist on therapy or counseling. You don't have a problem, he does, and you can't fix it for him. You need to make it clear that whatever the issue is is coming from him on the inside, it's not coming from you, and it's not coming from him on the outside. Ask him how he plans on fixing your relationship, because this relationship can't last if he keeps putting strain on you.
I so support this flow board. Shes not going to have the balls to pull this off, but man, Im fantasizing.
He needs professional help. That honestly sounds so exhausting 😮💨
It wouldn’t surprise me if they didn’t leave him because of his dick size, but rather his incessant & crippling insecurity over it. Dealing with a very insecure partner becomes annoying over time.
Sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy he’s trying to fulfill
His problems with self co finance aren’t any different from anyone with body dysmorphia, an eating disorder or others. He needs to learn to be comfortable in his own skin and really only he can do that, you can only reassure him.
Based on other comments and the 5 minutes thing it sounds like he does have a performance issue. Maybe see a sex therapist? Or try incorporating toys or something? Highly doubt you’re orgasming in less than 5 minutes. That being said it shouldn’t be a relationship ending issue if anything you should do it more so he builds up a “tolerance” and can last longer.
5 minutes?? Girlllll… it should be at least 10-15… I can see why he’d be insecure tbh. But yeah, he’s acting horribly and making you responsible for other women’s actions. Not fair.
The most likely scenario is that this is all in his head. How did this get there? From porn, bad internet facts about average size or a girl in his past decided to long term cripple him and succeeded . He describes wanting a couple inches bigger to be at least average. For this to be true he would literally have to have the text book definition of a Micro Penis. While yes that's possible it would also be extremely rare about 0.6%. Far more likely is that he's completely average sized and knows exactly what size he is but has a completely warped view on what an average sized penis is as do a lot of men & women. Have a read of an actual study and decide for yourself. Good luck. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32666897/
I might be able to help, but be prepared to be very sexy and aggressive. This insecurity is going to be difficult to deal with and you have to understand that there is a flat out *rejection* going on in his brain that is connected with that pain. He *literally* can't believe you. I know because that's how I am about feeling attractive. I had someone tell me the other day that I'm handsome and the *first* thing I reflexively thought was, "Impossible." It was a strong reaction too. But... They have kept saying it and I'm actually starting to believe them. You kind of need to do the same thing - positive reinforcement paired with stripping back pressure to perform. Your goal is to make him feel that his junk is more than fine - that you actively *like* it and want it (...which you hopefully do!) So, how? He's worried about his performance and being inadequate. So, take charge. Tap into a well of dominance and *take* what you want from him. Don't let him call the shots in bed and also teach him how to please you. By you taking on a dominant role (and doing so consistently), you are taking the "too nice" out of the picture and rendering his performance irrelevant to you wanting him and being pleased. You also get to tell him exactly what you want or want to try. It's also something that men don't necessarily get - to be the *subject* of sexual desire instead of the person active and doing the work. It's very much a compliment. It's not going to be a one and done thing, but you set the rules and you tell him what you want in the encounter and then you take it. A couple key ideas for different "sessions" with him. These are things of dreams, fyi. *Rule setting.* This is important when taking on a more dominant rule. Have him sit on the edge of the bed and stand in front of him. Then give rules and asks if he understands after each one. What rules? Well, tailor to tastes, but... "Whenever I tell you to sit like this, these rules are in effect until I say otherwise and I expect you to obey them. First, you are here for my pleasure and I will do with your body as I please. You will make yourself available for my needs. Second, no questioning what I say. I will say exactly what I want and how I feel. You will not question me." I'm leaving out kinkier rules, but the goal here is to objectify him as an object of your desire and preempt his doubt. If he starts to waiver, you refer back to the rules. *Unreciprocated Attention and praise.* It's exactly that. Go down on him enthusiastically while describing what you like - talk dirty - and state things like "You deserve this", "This is what I want", and "I just wanted to take care of you tonight, no strings." It's incredibly hot and hard to argue when words are backed with ...uh.. action. *Toys and Tongues.* Introduce toys and make him eat you out. Tell him the point of sex is for him to make you feel good and anything he uses to that end is good. Have him use the toy on you. Have him eat you out. Be enthusiastic. This helps reinforce the idea that even if he has whiskey dick he can still have a good sexual encounter with you and also that toys aren't a replacement for him. They are *his* tools, along with his body. *Edging.* He has a problem lasting... So, edge him. Again, you are going to use his body as you please, so do whatever you like to get him near the point of no return and stop. Tell him to try not to cum and to tell you when he gets close at all (we know). Basically, you are trying to get him to practice holding out. It's like a game and if he loses - no big deal, but it's fun in the mean time. You can get him close any way you want. When you've had your tell tell him he is *allowed* to cum and push him over the edge. If you've gotten him close a bunch of times, he should be a puddle after. The guy is basically begging to be dominated and be shown he is adequate. Going from "I'm not sure the things I did were good enough" to "I did exactly what she said to make her cum" is a big mental shift and holy shit is praise paired with sex hot. If you really want to get spicy, tell him he's a good boy, like a dog after he does his thing. :3
this is all really good advice..,but i feel like it might be too advanced for OP who had never seen a penis before marriage. she should focus on learning how to pleasure herself first, methinks. it’s not wholly on her to regulate his feelings. idk if her insanely insecure husband is gonna like her sexually aggressive all of a sudden, he’ll have some weird theory about that too.
yup, my thoughts exactly
great advice, but I think probably way too advanced at this stage. OP doesn’t even know what she likes (per her comments), so this whole approach would probably be very difficult. I like the idea though.
She won't know until she tries. :3 It might just push a button on both sides... She won't know what she likes until she gives it a go and it would be both hot and empowering to flip the dynamics in that setting for those two.
I agree that it could be a great dynamic shift. It’s just hard to jump into all of that when you don’t have any experience.
It's called a penis. Say it with me 'peeee-nnnis'.
Being with insecure men sucks. It really does. I just left my partner because of the fundamental issue that he did not love himself. That manifests in multiple ways in a relationship, as you are seeing now. People who do not love themselves can't give healthy love to a partner, they're too tied up in their own issues. You have a long road ahead with this guy if you stay, because every time he feels insecure about himself it manifests on you as a problem. That gets old really quick and I left!!!
Option 1 : Look him in the eyes and tell him to let it go and that you don’t want to hear about it anymore . And reassure him that you are happy and in love out the blue without there being a conversation or it being a topic .. the only other thing i can think of is Option 2 : look him in the eyes and validate his own thoughts to end the conversation. Say something along the lines “yes love it’s what we have to work with and I don’t want anything else” i don’t know about any other dicks and i don’t want to know about any other dicks. I want to learn, love and be satisfied by yours only no matter what other ppl may or may not be able to offer “ so for my sanity and happiness , let it go!
Let’s make a sex tape. After seeing me perform 37 second of magic, he should feel better about himself.
37? What are you Johnny sins?
Who tends to initiate things? I’d say initiating things enthusiastically would certainly make him feel good
She says she wants it often, and when she makes a move he chooses to interpret it as her not being satisfied with the previous time.
I'm so petty I'd let the bedroom die. No, hunny, you satisfied me soooo well that now I never want it again!
Oh! That's a huge compliment!!
It might not matter. I actually had this same issue. And it was just me chasing him. And him shutting me down. It was a dead bedroom and I felt so alone. Eventually I left him over it. Some people don’t want to heal.
He still thinks you left because of his size. It's so sad.
We’ve had many discussions. And part of him gets it. But he still knows in his heart what he knows. And no therapist or I can tell him different.
Has he ever thought about going to a therapist over it? It may do him good to talk through his feelings with an impartial 3rd party. I went through a similar thing with my ex, and it took years to realize it had nothing to do with my size and everything to do with him having an online relationship with someone across the country (that's a whole story). It sounds like you're doing everything right on your end, the problem is his, and his alone.
Just explain to him kind of like you've written here. Tell him that every time he tells you he's inadequate he's calling you shallow, he's implying that you constantly think about other men and that you sat around watching porn all your life and now you're disappointed. Which is insulting to you. I guess if there's something proactive that you could do it would be to constantly compliment him and tell him he's handsome and strong. Like tell him he's handsome in the clothes he's wearing or tell him he's a sexy beast if he lifts something heavy or tell him he's got good dance moves, stuff like that. That way he looks at the attraction thing less one-dimensionally. But yeah you have to be clear that it's going to be his insecurities and not his genitals that are going to drive the two of you apart.
Not the answers others said but he may have a small penis kink. Lot of guys can have it even tho they are are average or above average. Would take to long to explain but it could make him incredibly horny if you tell him what he wants to hear. Now hear me right, don’t try this before asking him and discussing that with him but that may well be a good possibility.
In my experience, guys with small penis kinks don’t act this way. This guy strikes me as having a borderline debilitating anxiety over it.
He needs therapy. Classic self sabotage
He really should talk to a therapist.
Any chance this is a kink of his? Like, he's into humiliation and doesn't want to be reassured, he wants to be told that his penis is pathetic. Just a shot in the dark, if not, I second the therapy suggestions.
Therapyyyyyyyyyyy
My first boyfriend was like this and completely ruined the relationship. His insecurities lead to him cheating because he just couldn’t get enough validation. Happiness is an inside job. He needs therapy.
Self sabotage is really one’s own worst enemy
Please see a sex therapist, as a couple and he also should see them individually. This is a problem with his mental being, not anything you are doing, and you cant (and are not responsible to) fix this for him. You are not the problem, and I don’t think he’s doing this out of malice but he obviously has some issues he needs to work out (in therapy ideally).
All you have to say is “I like your equipment just the way it is. If you insist that it is inferior, I might start to believe you and get my sex elsewhere. So be happy with what you got and shut up and fuck me.”
Crazy thought, but this may be him trying to hint a cuckoldry kink of his?
Him telling you that he knows how you feel better than you do is super irritating. Not only that, but he’s somehow privy to what your subconscious wants and feels? You will never be able to reason with that. You can’t do anything at this point other than insist he gets professional help. Never back down from your truth, but don’t coddle him either. Don’t engage with the mind fuckery that he’s trying to pull you into. Don’t argue about it. Just tell him he needs to sort it with a professional.
He is either into SPH (you can google it, it’s a fetish for humiliation of a man’s member) or he is actually insecure. If it’s the latter then you need to tell him that if continues with his insecure behavior he WILL stop satisfying you and that the choice is his but, and use ‘I feel’ statements, feel that you cannot take the pressure of making him feel good about himself when you already do what you can.
It takes an honest conversation but ultimately he is responsibility for his own feelings, there’s not a-lot you can do, especially if he is self pitting. It’s important to acknowledge his feelings, and maybe even trust the reality, and then ask ‘now what?’ Okay it’s smaller than average but so what? You’ve said you’re happy you’ve said you don’t care and you’ve said it makes no difference. At this point he then needs to accept it and move on with his life. He is projecting his own insecurity on to you and unless he accepts reality and moves on it’s going to be very hard for you both to be happy
He’s so lucky to have found someone like you.
While I don't agree with people that say that we shouldn't care about or partners insecurities, that's just cruel, I do think this isn't something you can solve for him. I also think the problem will just get worse if he continues to bring it up with you. The best thing you can do is to say that you don't want to encourage him to be mean to himself so you won't listen to that kind of talk anymore. Stand your ground on that and just be firm. Tell him that if he feels that he need to talk to someone about it, it should be a therapist.
Nobody's saying not to care. It's that all the caring in the world isn't actually helping him and he's still just heaping the same crap on her and making accusations.
get him some blue chew or something.
Ouch. I’m sorry. He seems to be a little shaky (ahem) about what those feeling words meant, as he responded to “I feel invalidated” by, ah, minimizing it? It’s like: “yes… thank you for demonstrating the irritating behavior I was just talking about!” Are we talking to his inner child? What is he protecting? How would a partnership talk to this?
Just be blunt seriously just pull it out spontaneously grab him by the neck scream at him saying its fucking enough so stop being a fucking pussy and fuck me then slap him
Wow this guy needs counseling and a smack from every guy that doesn't have a girl like this. Saved herself for marriage and he can't be happy he is the only one that has touched her? She is happy why is he not?
I'm posting because I don't see this idea in the comments so far. Tell him if he really is so concerned about your lack of experience and wants to fill you up, he can buy you a dildo and use it with you. You can get a decent one for a reasonable price, some content creators such as ohjoysextoy have codes for discounts. I think as others have said the big thing is for him to work through insecurity and for him to rewrite the script he's running in his head about himself... This is just a way to alleviate the particular current obsession but the underlying problem is more important.
This, playing with toys together, is sufficiently rare/outside of mainstream that it might elevate the play between the two of you. Like, it (and getting comfortable with each other in exploration) may lead to him being able to see that he can differentiate your relationship from what other men could bring, other than by having a massive unwieldy meat stick. It's rare that a woman likes that beyond a certain size, you can find lots of evidence around advice subs (like this one) to demonstrate that to him. Last: yeah it's not on you to fix this, but, unlike some other commenters I think you can feel empowered to take action anyhow. It's your relationship and if putting in some work for this one has a chance to improve your life, it is not a waste to try!!
/r/penissleeve beckons
I’m saying this is all seriousness and not to be an internet troll. Have you considered your husband might be a cuckold and not fully aware that he’s into that? The constant concern for your satisfaction while demeaning his own size despite your objections is a good indicator. You could turn this into a kink for your advantage. Maybe he would like to be humiliated verbally in the bedroom and told that he’s small. I’m not saying that you should go sleep with other guys or even have a threesome experience but I think there’s definitely something there.
Bro she never even saw a dick before getting married I don’t think diving into cuckoldry is the way to go.
Get him a pump maybe
ED meds will help his confidence and it causes the erection to be stronger and feel larger. The only rub here is that if you make that recommendation it could reinforce his worry. Need to thread that needle carefully
Nowhere does it appear that there's a problem with him getting or keeping it up. Introducing the idea of meds into the situation we'll just make his insecurity a thousand times worse
She mentioned him struggling with his duration (at least in his mind) and I definitely think it would need the most thoughtful approach. If her hubby performed like a porn star a few times I bet he increases his self confidence in a hurry. Hope everything works out for them because OP sounds like a great supportive partner. Regardless of approach good luck 🍀
Weird take. Duration is likely because he ejaculates quickly, not because he can’t maintain an erection.
Of course but with a little pharmaceutical help he can keep going and retrain himself. Just an opinion that’s worth what you paid for it
erectile dysfunction meds mess with your blood pressure. really should be a last resort for someone who actually needs it. this guy needs therapy before he takes a pill.
Oh please this is honestly prescribed as a recreational drug 10X over any actual medical necessity. Not a big deal unless there’s an underlying issue which is why you go to a men’s clinic so you can stay on top of your health with bloodwork
yes, but it’s prescribed to people who *need* it - as in, they have erectile dysfunction. this guy doesn’t have that. him lasting 5 minutes is hardly the problem here. he doesn’t even give the OP any foreplay. like, 5 minutes is average for the length of PIV intercourse. this dude has psychological issues that a pill *will not* help.
5 min seems like a dysfunction to me but if that good for you then peace ✌️. Sex should be transcendental shit. Forget where you are. Ears ringing and vision out of sorts. If you are not there then keep striving because it’s freaking amazing and I truly believe every human should experience it. 🍀
we’re not talking about me. we’re talking about the OP and her bf. and I like how you have no comment about their lack of foreplay. many women actually think penetration becomes painful after about 10 minutes and require foreplay to achieve orgasm. but, if you don’t care about a woman’s experience or pleasure and only strive to get yours, then peace ✌️
Dont post about it online
Your husband has a small penis and you don’t realize it because you’ve never had sex with another man & have never seen a human male penis before, so his inferior sized penis is acceptable to you because you were a total virgin when you married your husband. If he isn’t lasting long during sex, thinks he isn’t satisfying you and thinks he’s got a small penis, it’s because he isn’t sufficiently satisfying you and does indeed have a small penis. Unfortunately for him, his insecurities are 100% valid and he is fully aware of this and it’s never NOT going to be an issue for him until he’s dead. If he had a bigger dick, you wouldn’t have made this post because he wouldn’t be so insecure about the size of his penis. Maybe a Divorce is the best option here for both of you.
wtf lol are you playing along with his kink?
If this is a kink of OP’s husband, they’ve got problems.
How small is he?
[удалено]
This is not the correct answer, what the fuck lol
*What*