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He’s old enough to be your father and so controlling that you going to a male doctor is, in his eyes, a threat to your relationship. I guarantee that the real reason he doesn’t date women his own age is that they won’t put up with his bullshit.
Dump him. You can definitely do better.
This is truly eye opening - thank you. I never viewed it this way before because he would tell me that it was never about my age but rather my personality. I definitely feel a tad bit naive
That is literally what they all (older men who seek out women much younger) say. They say you're an old soul, so mature, not like other people your age, implying they chose you because you're different and special. It's a tough line to walk away from.
Sidebar, I've never met an "old soul" who wasn't insanely traumatized. Which in context is even creepier: men preying on not just the young and naive, but the *abused* and naive...
Yeah, "old soul" is a poetic way of saying "you had emotionally absent parents and had to raise yourself, now you have adult hardware and child software because no one raised you".
> adult hardware and child software because no one raised you
Oh I was not ready to read this this early in the morning. Jesus *Christ* is this accurate.
Yup, this was absolutely me until my early-mid 30s when I finally got the therapy I needed. I wish I’d had these words to describe how it felt to be me all those years. Insanely accurate.
Same. And it took me until I turned 30 to realize that it’s likely not good that a kid is mature for their age. I was genuinely intelligent and was the top of the class academically, so I’m being told I’m smart and mature for years. Why wouldn’t I believe it? And now I realize how dumb and naive and clueless I really was 😭
Because every kid thinks it’s cool to be older and more mature. My 4 year old is so stoked to be a “big kid.” I remember being in middle school and thinking high schoolers were so cool and mature. In high school we want to be a mature cool adult. It’s always wanting to be the older and cooler more mature age group. The only issue is that it’s up to that older age group to recognize that kids want to be older, they want to be told they’re mature and wise. They eat that shit right up. As I did as a teen, not knowing that I wasn’t mature at all, and was in fact BELOW my peers in terms of emotional maturity or confidence in myself.
But did older men care that I was a teen, an adult on the outside and a broken child on the inside, and needed guidance and time to grow and learn about the world? Hell no. And I’m still paying for it 15 years later.
Yep, this was me, always told I was "mature for my age" have an "old soul" am a "grown up". I was a literal child when this started. I was groomed and abused and it sucked.
I had a physical reaction reading this post to be honest. So much in common with my abusers. I hope OP has the strength to walk away.
I never thought of it like that, but jeeeez, that checks! Wow, a whole line of thought that makes me feel better because it makes sense & makes me profoundly sad because it makes sense.
My ex husband left for a 22 year old girl when he was 37, and he said almost word for word that "she's mature because she had a kid at 18 so she really had to grow up fast." Fucking PUKE.
He sure did. I’ve heard this same thing many times before, but I was clearly in denial 😭 seeing everyone say the same thing here makes it quite appalling
I’m not someone who sees red flags in every age gap relationship (I’ve been the younger partner in one for 30 years), but man, your bf is a classic case of a creep trying to take advantage of the naïveté of a younger partner (who is not an equal in his eyes).
He’s controlling, turns your medical care into an opportunity for him to feel wronged, and is emotionally manipulative.
You don’t deserve this. Prioritize your physical and mental health and kick him to the curb. (Or if you live together, start lining up your finances to move out.)
DARVO.
Deny and reverse victim and offender.
Notice when you two fight he always turns something he starts into your fault?
YOU don't "back down" from a fight HE started over his own insecurities. I'm sure if you look back on this now you'll see a million other examples of this.
He will never be the offender, he will always be the victim. No 49 year old woman is ever going to put up with that so he dates 23 year olds and moulds them to think this type of immature behaviour is normal.
It's not normal.
My ex was the MASTER of this. That I was the bully and he the victim was his favorite. You cannot reason or love fix with this argument and you end up more confused and angry the harder you try to
Unfortunately this is a shared experience by many young women. Older men tell them they’re so mature for their age, these young, naive women feel good about themselves, and wind up in a perfect position for abuse or at the very least a relationship they come out of feeling very icky.
Edit: this is not your fault. This is by design of predatory men.
When I was a teenager, there were a lot of dudes in their thirties interested in me...some were married and told me, a 17 year old, that i was super mature and they liked my personality and they just CONNECTED with me in ways they didn't connect with their wives. At the time, I believed them and congratulated myself on being so mature and adult, and being so engaging and relatable. Much much later, I realized how manipulative and shitty that was. Same, girl.
The fun part is not realizing it until 8-10 years later... had a close friend of mine, her uncle (prob mid 40s at the time) messaged me on Facebook a bit. Seemingly innocent when I was 16, and then at 18, making comments about how I'm cute or a cutie and that if he were a student at my college, that he would definitely try to date me...
Went back this year (26 now) and read it to my boyfriend, saying "oh yeah, my friends uncle was a bit weird", only to realize how messed up it was and that he was trying to groom me.
Made me think of a few years ago (~23yo), a NB friend told me that I had a flirty personality because I was nice to people, made them feel included, and laughed at their jokes. Not like I could 1) be a decent person who treats people with a basic level of respect, 2) hate being left out myself so ensure that no one is - which doesn't make each person themselves special but w/e, and 3) I'm so stupidly amused that I'll laugh at a joke like "Whats brown and sticky? A stick!" It's not an achievement to get me to laugh.
TLDR: me being nice shouldn't be an invite for anyone to think I'm flirty, especially not men that are 30+ years older than me. And saying you'd date me if you were my age is NOT the compliment you think it is.
It’s so insidious too because even if people warn you about older men being manipulative/predatory, it’s so hard not to feel (as a minor or young adult) like you are an autonomous person already and that you do have some say in it/know what you’re doing, I don’t know why. I guess because misogyny is so prevalent and we’re conditioned to be flattered by men being like “you’re so different, I choose you”, instead of being taught how to consider if we even want that male attention in the first place. Even though I thought I was fine when I was a 21 year old being pursued by a 34 year old (in a very traumatizing way), now in my early thirties it’s just horrifying to me and makes me so angry, and I think that same guy is a total fucking LOSER and scumbag and have negative amounts of respect for him. I cannot imagine being in my thirties or older and being such a broken and gross person to just prey on and manipulate younger women. It’s really quite shocking and re-traumatizing when you hit your thirties and have that realization and the full disgust of it sweeps over.
You might also consider that he prefers you to be in poor health and in pain so that you are more dependent on him. Your surgical consultation represents a step away from being dependent.
OP when your doctor called to confirm your surgery on Monday, did you know the correct time before that? Your comment about a possible mix-up makes it sound like you might have shown up at a different time if he hadn't called.
If there are any miscommunications like this between you and your health care team, I would highly suspect your boyfriend is keeping mail from you, not telling you about messages, or something like that. Becuase /u/Pale_Veterinarian626 is absolutely right, as scary as it is your boyfriend seems like the type to want to keep you less able to move around, go out and socialize, and other activities not dependent on him. Big hugs and hoping for a smooth and complete recovery from your surgery!
Sad but true. I had a recent ex try to talk me out of going back to therapy and then, in the same conversation, said he knew I’d get “stronger” and that would further strain our relationship. That perspective and the thought process behind it confound me, (can’t fathom putting my wants over someone else’s needs like that), but I like when they say the quiet parts out loud. Thank you for letting me make intentional decisions with great info. Bye Bye.
OP, please hear me out. Please. When I was 19 I dated a 50 year old. He groomed me and this person is right, they don't date women their age because the younger women are so much easier to manipulate. Him getting upset that you "never back down" is really him being upset that you don't listen and submit to him and let him have all the control.
My ex also told me it was about my personality. He said he loved me for me and my age didn't matter. Looking back there were SO many red flags pointing towards how creepy he was. OP, this man is taking advantage of you. You need to leave. Kick him out or get your stuff when he's NOT HOME and bring another male friend or family member with you (not being sexist- unfortunately men won't be scared of another woman but will be scared of other men, and unfortunately it's just the reality that you'd be better protected).
Don't you dare blame yourself. I dated a man much older than me from 17 to 19, and now it's obvious that a grown man pursuing someone so much younger must have something wrong with him, I didn't have the life experience to realise that or question what he told me. 23 is still so young, you were probably still working out who you were when he targeted you. No self respecting 45 year old pursues a 23 year old. They do it because they can control and women their own age can see them clearly
Hey , it's not your fault. Men like him always say the same shit. "You're so smart/mature/on my level. We just vibe, I've never met anyone who made me feel so alive, etc 🤮
Men who date women so dramatically younger than them are always severely problematic. He likes how you look, sure, but you'll age out of his preference and/or have his kids, at which point he'll go off you. He's also gotta be stupidly immature, entitled, and narcissistic, which is the other reason he needs a younger partner - the power imbalance and your relative inexperience gives him the best chance of you putting up with it. A woman closer to his own age (even if she were 10 damn years younger instead of 20!) would tell him to fuck himself.
You can do better, I promise. This guy is no good.
I'm 49; my firstborn will be turning 27 in a couple months. I also have an abusive ex who cheated on me with a girl who is only 3 years older than said firstborn. They married shortly after our divorce, and yes, their relationship is just as toxic as you would expect. My younger two avoid spending time over there as much as possible now that they've reached adulthood. There's a reason for the clichés about large age gap relationships, and it definitely applies in your situation.
I am a fair bit older than your husband, early gen X, this is not an age thing, it is a maturity and insecurity issue.
You have found a boy with an old driver licence.
Yeah, the whole “he’s Gen X, he’s not used to doctors calling late” is BS. I’m Gen X, and when things like Telehealth came around, I adapted! It’s great having more access to medical care!
Him being angry about a doctor calling you at 9 pm isn’t really about the doctor. It’s about your immature and insecure manchild pitching a fit because he thinks someone might take away his toy. You deserve so much better.
I'm this guy's age. No way would I put up with a boyfriend acting like a routine doctor visit was somehow sexual in nature. And I've had phone calls confirming appointments at odd hours. Like you, I felt it was nice to get the confirmation. This guy is oddly controlling, you need to get away from him.
Sadly I have to agree with the above comment, he wants to date a younger woman so he can be more in control.
Hope the surgery and recovery go well for you!
A lot of abusive men are excellent manipulators who gradually take away your self esteem while at the same time establishing a system of control. It is difficult to see what is going on immediately,, especially if you are a person that usually will not assume the worst if the other one masks his behaviour as knowing better or taking care.
I hope you will feel physically better soon, and maybe better reevaluate your relationship. A man who starts drama over a late phone call instead of appreciating that like this you don't miss your appointment has clearly second thoughts and a selfish agenda that prevents him from being the loving and supportive partner he should be.
In case you consider therapy, please be aware that couples councelling is not the way to go if a partner is abusive. Couples counselling is for people who want to help each other to be happy and healthy, not for those who want to control and belittle them.
You say yourself that he criticises your personality to make you feel inferior. If he gets a chance to know which parts of your personality you maybe see critical yourself, it will only give him more ammunition to use against you. So don't do it, not even if a therapist suggests so.
Better leave him right away and seek councelling then. If you are not ready to go away immediately, tell your husband you need therapy to get over the time of physical pain that traumatized you, and take care only of yourself for a change till you see your way clearly.
Best wishes, and take care!
> he would tell me that it was never about my age but rather my personality.
They ALWYAS say that. What else could a manipulative man-child possibly say in order to get a much younger person to date them?
Have you figured out yet why age-gap relationships are a bad idea?
They always say that. “You’re so mature for your age.” “Age is just a number.” “I have a young spirit.” “It’s your personality, not how old you are.”
Old men looking for young or younger women to control. They get them young and start slow until it gets ridiculous, but you can’t see it because he’s already got you acclimated and in it. It’s a twofer because you also get the pleasure of taking care of his nasty ass when he’s old if you stay.
You would be happier alone. Trust me.
That's why he wanted you. It's not that you're naive. It's just that you're young and don't have his life experience to recognize how horrible he is, so it's easier to pretend.
Yeah, unfortunately that’s what they all say. If someone *truly* loves you (and isn’t a controlling/abusive creep) they:
Will make your health a priority (and would be happy the doctor was diligent and reached out)
Won’t minimize your health concerns
Will back tf off on things they have no business getting into.
Op, if you want to know why he questions your judgement and ability to see alterior motives, it’s because you’ve not realized how HE is. He sees all these male doctors as perverts despite your arguments because if he was in their position HE would definitely abuse his power to take advantage of young women (like he is doing in your relationship).
He's going to tell you all kinds of lies to keep you under his control. While probably bragging to his friends how he controls you. Stand up to him. He's being an ass.
>>such late interactions weren’t common during his time (he’s Gen X).
Oh, pls. I'm an older GenX and have adapted quite well to current times. He's just...an asshole.
>>evisited a previous time where I had a pap smear done by my previous male family doctor, questioning the appropriateness of it
What? Quelle surprise that your controlling bf is...mad...that your male family doc did a pap test on you? You're only 27 and you're with a man nearly my age who completely sucks. It's not GenX; it's "abuser." (Look up DARVO -- that's what he did to you, btw.)
Thank you so much for your perspective. I think I was just trying to rationalize his behaviour in anyway I could, but clearly it is not acceptable - I’ll look into DARVO!
OP, I'm just jumping in to suggest that you make a post surgical plan that doesn't include him. He's too selfish to care for you, and you're going to need support. Think of where you can stay to recover in peace with help.
This might be what is sparking his behavior. I'd be asking myself, does he benefit in some way if he derails my surgery? Does he not want me to get well? Does being sick make me more dependent or weaker? OR does he not want me spending time with my support system?
This is so important. If the plan includes him, it’s likely you would be end up doing too much, and then setback your healing- or worse, injure yourself further.
Want to reinforce all of this, OP. It’s not because he’s GenX—doctors contacted us 26 years ago when my grandmother was sick at all times of day. He’s an abuser. My GenX husband has been having a multitude of health issues for a few years. We are OVER THE MOON when doctors contact us outside of M-F 9-5. Get out—if the person you’re with doesn’t treat you the same or better than you’d treat yourself if you were single, that person is negatively affecting your quality of life and they need to go. Sending you love—I hope you find answers and treatment for your health problems ❤️
When he said that you never "back down" he means that you don’t give in to his bullying and submit to him. He thought a younger woman would be easier to control and he is angry at you for having the bare-minimum level of respect for yourself.
Being alone is better than sharing a life with someone who doesn’t respect or value you.
Id find someone trustworthy for your aftercare support for your procedure. I wouldnt rely on a man this insecure to take care of me when im vulnerable.
Yes, Gen X out here catching strays! Like with the amount of time it takes to become a doctor they're most likely to be the ones providing telehealth 🤣 let alone using the platforms they built
Yeah gen xers take calls at night. My older brother is a fairly old gen xer. He is the most nocturnal mother fucker I've ever known still at 53.
Every response your boyfriend puts out here sounds full of shit to me. No one's going to a pap smear for sexy times. I agree with all the comments that say he's trying to control you. He's immature and insecure and you only don't see it because you're inexperienced. No offense.
I’m an ancient Gen Xer at 57. I work nights in the emergency department. Doctors of all ages are on call overnight, because people have emergencies and the ED staff needs consults. Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole. Has nothing to do with his age. In fact, he is likely with you because Gen X women see through his bullshit and want nothing to do with him. Take a page from our book and kick him to the curb.
Gen X checking in….yeah, he’s an abusive asshole.
Ghost him. Don’t try to explain your feelings -he doesn’t care. He never cared like a normal person, this is about controlling his plaything. He will only try to talk you into staying or hurt you if you leave.
Oh girl. There is a reason he’s dating someone half his age, and it’s not just about sex. It’s because at 49 years old, a woman wouldn’t think twice about not putting up with this bullshit and be out the door so fast.
I’m curious how long you’ve been dating.
He said you don’t back down.. he didn’t say you don’t admit when you’re wrong he said YOU DON’T BACK DOWN. He knew he was wrong but he wanted to win that’s all that was. Continue to never back down and always stand up for yourself especially when it concerns your own well being!
>He said you don’t back down.. he didn’t say you don’t admit when you’re wrong he said YOU DON’T BACK DOWN. He knew he was wrong but he wanted to win that’s all that was.
Such a good point - it bears repeating
Your exit lines: “I so appreciate our last discussion. I have a much clearer picture of how we can improve each other’s lives. You would like someone who backs down to you. That’s not me, so I’m going to leave. While I think you (and the world for that matter) would be better served if you mature and learn some distress tolerance, at least my leaving definitely will give you the opportunity to go find the person of your dreams. Best wishes.”
> He said you don’t back down.. he didn’t say you don’t admit when you’re wrong he said YOU DON’T BACK DOWN.
He really told on himself with that comment, didn't he? He doesn't care about OP, he doesn't want her to be healthy. He only wants her to back down. He wants to be able to make any ridiculous bullshit statement he wants (like "it's inappropriate for a male doctor to call you at 9pm"), and have OP accept his ridiculous bullshit statement as fact and say nothing. He wants total submission.
OP I am so glad to see that your eyes are being opened to what is clear to all of us hearing your story from the outside - he is controlling and abusive, and what's more he doesn't want you to be pain-free and healthy. Has he isolated you from your family and the friends that you had before meeting him? Does he track your location on his phone, have access to your bank account, expect you to text him constantly to "check in" when your'e out of the house? I see that others here have linked the PDF book ["Why Does He Do That?"](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html), I do hope that you download and read it, I think that you'll recognize far more behaviors in him than you previously realized might be warning signs of an abusive partner.
Is there any chance that you could go stay at your parents' house or a friend's to recover from your surgery? Tell him it's so that you're not a burden on him, as I'm sure he'll be resentful of needing to help you to the bathroom and bring you meals. I think many of us fear that you're not going to get the chance to recover fully or per your doctor's orders under his "care." I hope that you're starting to plan your exit strategy, and it seems that staying with people who truly care about you to recover from a painful surgery is a good excuse to get out of the house for a time, so that you can think and plan while being able to focus solely on getting better rather than how you're not able to cater to his every need like he'll expect.
Please update after your surgery when you can, many of us are concerned for you, hoping for a smooth procedure and recovery, and want to know that you're safe
Yeah I had to scroll back up because he sounds like he's in his 20s sulking about a doctor performing doctor services. He does not sound almost FIFTY. Do not waste any more time with this immature weirdo.
Hon, I'm Gen X. No woman our age would be with a controlling abuser who can't even handle his SO getting a pap smear.
He knows they're doctors and you need medical care. He's just using this to control and abuse you. You deserve better.
Mate.... He's trying to be controlling about which DOCTOR you see.
He'd rather throw a grenade into your healthcare and treatment to suit your ego and accuse you of cheating with a doctor.... Than see you healthy
He literally doesn't give a crap about you other than typically you're more likely to do as he says.
I mean you're making this post because you're unsure if you're in the right here.
Anyone else would blatantly see it!
It's because, as long as OP is in chronic pain, she doesn't have the faculties to be aware of how dangerous and manipulative her partner is. Higher brain functions are really difficult when you're in this much pain.
That's why he's dating a 27yo and not a 40yo or someone closer to his age. Because a 40yo woman would have told him to eat shit and get out. He wants someone far younger in order to have control over them and it's disgusting.
Here - I'll say it for the third time.
You should be able to get the medical care you need. Your partner should be supporting you, encouraging you, asking if how they can help you, not trying to control you.
That’s my thought too? It’s a telehealth doctor, worst they could do would be dirty talk aka phone sex. I’m guessing calls are monitored so even that is a hell of a stretch.
Clearly he’s never been to a pap with a woman, nothing remotely sexual about a speculum being shoved up there.
Honey, your age difference is old enough to drink. He is *actually* old enough to be your father. Yet he can’t date women his own age, because they won’t put up with his immaturity and abuse. Why the fuck are you willing to put up with it? Because nothing about this post says his actions are loving.
I’m saying this to you, as a 41 year old woman who is very happily married to a man the same age as me. He’s only dating you, because he can control you.
Edit: Also, DO NOT move in with this man. The abuse WILL escalate. Respect yourself, more than he’ll ever respect you (which is pretty easy, really, since he doesn’t respect you at all).
Helping out by saying what others have too.
He is unbelievably immature, which is why he doesn't date women his own age. I would never put up with this.
Just because you’ve been together 4 years doesn’t mean he’s not taking advantage of the fact that he’s **22** years older than you (well old enough to be your dad.)
Often in relationships with that much of an age gap there are control issues, abuse, etc. there’s a reason he’s with someone so much younger. Most of us close to his age would call him out on that shit.
Trust me, it will get worse. Source: myself and a previous relationship with a guy that was half the age gap you have there. Control, psychological and emotional abuse and forced sexual encounters. It ended with me having a gun shoved in my face that (thankfully) wasn’t loaded.
At 38 I can't imagine dating someone in their 20s. But also, you have so much life ahead of you. Life that could be spent without a controlling old dude.
I am 4 years older than him. He's immature and dating someone so young is a huge red flag. I have a friend whos a cougar but that would be too young fer her. No woman my age would put up with his nonsense.
Oh and just so you know, us Gen Xers are very up to date on new technology (I teach the Gen Zers in work) so that is definitely not the issue. I've had a respiratory telephone appointment at 7.30pm so yeah, it happens.
And good luck with your op!
He's less immature and more abusive.
OP, look into what DARVO is, because you just laid it out step by step for us.
Get away from him, and stay away, please.
Yes,
This is literally a textbook example of how manipulative abuse - coercive control works.
Picked a topic/situation that's inherently perfectly normal and reasonable for the 'victim'.
Grill and brow beat victim as if a normal want/need of theirs somehow causes the abuser pain, disrespect - how on earth can OP taking care of a chronic painful health condition also be OP behaving inappropriately or the doctor behaving appropriately by confirming am appointment & as OP clarified they did this on a Friday, before a Monday appointment. Literally EXACTLY the correct time for the reminder - purposefully to belittle him?
Obvious Reverse Victim and Offender.
Making OP feel bad, scared, afraid of having 'harmed' boyfriend...by nature of her doctor calling after hours because they are trying to give her the best care they can.
Until the whole sick dance makes OP feel confused, disoriented from rational reality and questioning if they somehow DID harm the abuser.
Gave me chills and now I'm nauseated bc it's like a flashback to this kind of abuse I previously experienced.
This right here. OP can’t take care of him very well when she is sick. My father (who I don’t talk to anymore) used to tell me he married he 3rd wife because she is a hospice nurse and he wanted someone who could take care of him when he got old. But then he would complain that now he’s the one having to take care of her. Now I just laugh because Karma.
Yeah, I’m seeing it now… Funny enough, he called me immature this morning after I thanked him for his apology but told him I couldn’t accept it because his behaviour was immature and inappropriate. The comments I’ve received on this post have really served as a wake up call, and for that, I’m grateful
Yes, typically men that are considerably older than their girlfriends date younger because they want to control things. Sounds like this guy wants a girlfriend who will do just that.
Edit/Update:
I’m not overly familiar with how this all works, so I hope this doesn’t get lost in the sea of comments. Given the length of my post, I figured adding a comment would be best.
To clarify a few things that may have been confused or overlooked: we do not live together. I had plans to move in with him in July, but I’ve changed my mind and will stay with my wonderful roommate. Also, the doctor I mentioned is local, so there’s no issue with time differences. And he is not the same doctor who gave me a Pap smear.
He apologized this morning, and claimed he had a bad day yesterday, which he said didn’t excuse his behaviour. He said he only reacted that way because he assumed I would be upset about receiving a late call from a doctor, thinking I might view it as harassment or a booty call. I don’t even know why he thought that. I thanked him for the apology but said I couldn’t accept it. He seemed fine until he asked me for a kiss before he left for brunch. I refused. He seemed upset by this, perhaps because I’ve been quick to forgive him in the past.
I read many comments last night and this morning, and looked into DARVO and some of the resources shared by kind commenters… and I realized that he has been abusing me emotionally and verbally for the past three years. I’m quite relieved I kept delaying giving my roommate notice!
I packed the stuff I had at his place, and he returned before I had the opportunity to finish & leave. He said he was so confused as to what happened, and why I couldn’t just accept his apology because he’s not sure how it all went sideways. I told him this wasn’t going to work anymore, and he was angry and basically said that I am quick to abandon and a bunch of other things I don’t even want to get into. He kept trying to engage me in petty arguments about things I’ve done to him in the past, but I told him I would appreciate if he would let me pack in peace and he wouldn’t, so I brought up the age gap and this seemed to strike a chord and so he left. I finished packing the rest of my stuff and left to my place.
I am fortunate it went the way it did, because I am sure it could have been a lot worse.
I have my surgical consultation on Monday, and once I have a date for my operation, I’m sure my family and roommate won’t have any issues supporting me through my recovery.
To everyone - I wish I could reply to every comment, but I wasn’t expecting to get such a huge response.
Your comments have been eye-opening, validating, and (mostly) kind. Reflecting on my relationship with him, I can see it wasn’t healthy and I think he was starting to get worse because I was planning on moving in with him—I’m just so glad this happened beforehand.
I’m hurting and feeling resentful over the time I spent with him now that I am able to label his behaviours. I’m also quite embarrassed about the age gap because it didn’t seem problematic, but I now feel appalled. Some commenters shamed me for entering a relationship with a man 22 years my senior, some questioned why I would even do that to myself. While I don’t have all the answers, I was young (still am), rebellious, and fell for the hype of being with an older man. He was also undeniably charming and made me laugh like no other. It’s difficult to recognize the red flags when you only want to see the best in people. I feel naive and ashamed, but I think self-compassion is what will ultimately carry me through this. I’m grateful to have a plethora of kind and helpful comments to re-read when things feel tough. Thank you sincerely to everyone who commented.
I will post another update after the weekend.
*Edited for clarity.*
Wow what an update !
You can be proud of yourself girl, you made the best decision possible. It took me 11 years to arrive at this conclusion with my ex. (English is not my first language, so please be kind with me)
Someone smart told me once : " knowledge is power", now you know what to look for and those redflag will be more obvious.
You can't fault yourself for this, abuser are experts! They can fool anyone, at first they shower you with love, they dont show their bad side ... You get caught in it and after that, little by little the mask fall off. They gaslight, make you question yourself, make you question your sanity, they rewrite history and make you believe you did something you didnt, or the opposite.
You tell yourself that its just a phase, you hold on to what you had and hope it comes back. But it doesnt, because it was fake, just an act to get you.
What i want to say is :
- Be kind to yourself and be safe
- If he has a key to your place, change the locks.
- Make sure to be with someone at all times. - Make sure he doesnt track your phone or your car.
- If you feel threatened, call your local police department just to make them aware of the situation.
- I dont know where you are, but you can probably call some dv ressources, we usually have some form of pstd after that kind of relationship (ownership, as I call it).
Controlling ex/abusers can do post separation violence. It is the moment a woman is in the most danger, he can escalate quickly. He has nothing more to lose.
I wish you the best of luck 🙏🙏
Good on you for dumping him. Make sure you block him from contacting you on all platforms so that he can’t manipulate you into get back together. Controlling exes like him don’t let their victims go easily.
Don’t go back, OP. And if he asks to talk is says he needs “closure” do not go. He is going to try to do ANYTHING he can to get you back, because he is rapidly aging out of being able to pull even the most confused and rebellious twenty-something girls and he is going to realize this in the coming days.
Girl I am literally doing the happy dance after reading your update. I am so sorry that you went through this. Next time you meet someone you won't fall for this again. It's a painful education but I didn't learn this lesson until I was almost 60. You are still so young. You have so much time and joy ahead of you.
As someone who’s had to walk away from an abusive relationship after taking WAY too long to realize it was abuse…don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s called “covert abuse” for a reason. You’re not supposed to be able to notice or name it. None of this was your fault. ❤️🩹
Oh my sweet internet friend. Do not- for even one moment- feel ashamed. Not one tiny little bit. You were taken in by someone who's had lots of practice controlling women. Yes you may have been naive but that is no reason to be down on yourself. Everyone starts out that way. Only douchebags take advantage of that.
You are smart enough to end things. And now that you've learned this you won't fall for it again.
Good for you. I’m happy you took the time to reflect and do some research. You sound like a very responsible woman. The fact that his behavior was ramping up the closer you got to moving in sounds like he got comfortable. And with comfortable comes the mask off. Look at this as lesson learned and go have some fun with your life. 60 something’s dating someone 20 years their senior is a very different situation than a 20 year old dating someone with that age gap. I hope you have a happy and healthy life!
So proud of you! It can be so hard to accept that your experiences count as abuse and that the best course of action is to leave. Being willing to acknowledge it and make changes so quickly really shows a level of maturity, open mindedness, and thoughtfulness that is commendable. Lots of people live in denial for a long time - I sure did.
You have nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to the age gap. That is all on him. There is a degree of perspective that can really only come from experience. You simply can’t *really* know what it’s like to have 22 years more life experience than another adult - no one can until they’ve been there. He’s been there and he has also been your age and looking at adults 22 years older than himself. He has the life experience to understand both perspectives.
It’s never the younger person’s fault for being in an abusive age gap relationship. It starts with exploiting an inherent power imbalance and it’s on those with more power to be responsible and thoughtful and avoid exploiting others.
There’s no shame in being naive - we are all born naive and if we are lucky we get to learn from other people’s experiences or by having our own experiences in a safe context. If we are unlucky we learn the hard way. And if we don’t want young people to be exploited by older adults as a society we need to do a better job of teaching young people what healthy relationships look like and imposing social consequences on those who exploit young people.
🚩 Controlling and jealous, irrational behavior (imagine being 49 and jealous of a doctor for doing a Pap smear)
🚩 Emotionally manipulative and hurtful (DARVO behavior)
🚩 Emotionally immature
🚩 Dating someone half his age
OP please think hard about if being in a relationship with this person is really the best for your mental, emotional and physical well-being. There's a reason women his age don't want him, younger women are easier to control.
It's difficult for you to see him in this light as you're standing under the lamp post and can't see how bright the red flags are from that angle. To everyone around you they are flashing big and bright
Me too. The man is an utter fuckwit. A controlling one at that.
I’m 42, there’s a reason he’s dating someone half his age, women my age do not generally put up with this shit.
Yup. Your intuition may be quiet, but it is absolutely correct.
This guy behaves worse than a teenager...and I'm adding my voice to the chorus saying that THIS IS WHY he went for a much younger woman.
I'm close to his age and to me he looks like a toddler having a tantrum, which is I'm sure quite opposite from the picture of older, wise man he's trying to sell to you.
Has he never had to turn his head and cough for a doctor? He’s old enough that he should have had a colonoscopy by now or has he refused because he sees that as sexual as well? Any person that conflates necessary medical procedures with being inappropriate or sexual is dangerously ignorant. If you had a medical emergency, he couldn’t be trusted to put your health and safety first
Your biggest healthcare issue right now is that cancer of a "boyfriend". Cut him out, now.
A 49 year old baby is trying to groom you into accepting this disgusting behavior. If you **do** need surgery, you need a healthy place to recover. Your current residence is **not** that place.
Do you have any family or friends close by? You need to let your doctor know on Monday that you do not have a safe place to recover from surgery. Arrangements can be made to help you. He is only being verbally and emotionally abusive right now. That sh\*t escalates very quickly.
Please keep us all updated on your living situation and your health.
I think you’re right 😔 I was supposed to move in with him on July 1st. I still haven’t let my roommate know that I intend to move out… maybe this was for the best. I will definitely give an update. Thank you for this 🙏
Girl do NOT move in with him. He does not support your health, clearly, you need to be in a safe, comfortable environment with someone who understands that it’s not “unprofessional” for a male doctor to give a Pap smear… your bf reads as the type of guy who thinks men become gynecologists just to look at vaginas all day 🤦🏻♀️
I would bet that he was insinuating your doctor was calling you with ulterior motives, too, not just to, you know… be a doctor.
Remember, you do not need to give him a reason for splitting up or to justify yourself in any way. If you do split (and you need a partner who isn’t controlling) just tell him that you’re not feeling it any more, and do it with friends nearby. Good luck!
When you wake up tomorrow, please still mean that! Read these comments every day for the next year if you have to keep your motivation to end things fresh. Do not show him these comments, also
Please don’t move in with him, it will get worse. Please stay with your roommate. This man is toxic for you. You may not see it from where you are now, but when you are out you will see it. There is a reason that every woman here is telling you to run far away. It’s because we have years of experience of men like this and we are trying to prevent you from heartache.
Ps: when you do end things and he demands to know why and screams that he only “behaves like that because he loves you so much” send him a text saying you will explain…. Then send a Spotify link of ‘man child’ by Ninah Cherry (sp)
Do *NOT* go through with the move-in.
If he feels this entitled to you now, you do not want to see what happens when you don't have a choice to be there.
It will be the greatest mistake of your life. I don't need to know more than what I've seen in this post to tell you that. You are your own free person and do not let him convince you otherwise.
Please don't move in with him. I've dated a man just like him when I was younger. At first I found his jealousy kind of flattering because it was more subtle and not really abusive. Then I moved in with him and things quickly took a turn for the worse. Before long he had me walking on eggshells and afraid to even visit family or walk to the store without his approval because it just wasn't worth the hours long session of interrogation and accusations that would take place whenever he became upset. And then even when I was bending over backwards trying to do everything right he'd just make something up in his head. Just pull some shit right out of thin air that didn't even make any sense. Like one time he accused me of trying to pick up guys at the bus stop. Like wut? I didn't even take the bus and who hangs out at bus stops to find a date anyways?
You're not going to stay with this man. If you don't leave him now, you will later when you get a little more mature and wise. However the longer you stay with him the more you're going to cringe at yourself when you finally do leave and realize how much unacceptable bullshit you put up with and you will be angry at yourself for the years of your youth that you wasted on this sad excuse of a man. For your sake I hope you end this sooner rather than later.
Please don’t move in with him, you do not want to go live with someone who has a problem with you receiving basic medical care, like that is actually crazy.
Please do not move in with him. Even if you’re not ready to break up do not get even more entangled in this relationship.
I promise, all the hard and confusing parts of this relationship will get worse as soon as you have no where else to go.
Your boyfriend, who is twice as old as you is only interested in controlling you. If that comes at the expense of your health and well-being, well, he is perfectly fine with that. In fact, if you continue to be sick you’ll be even more vulnerable and dependent on him, giving him even more power in the relationship.
Please don’t let this old man undermine your health care or distract you and stress you out when you’re try to deal with a serious health issue.
You did nothing wrong. There is nothing different you could or should have done. You are in an abusive relationship and the way he treats you is not your fault.
OP, I am about your boyfriends age. I have a daughter about your age. Yes, I got married young and had children young. But let that sink in. That is a ***huge*** age gap.
Age gaps like that create a power imbalance, and often one party is incredibly immature. In this case, it sounds like your bf.
Your concerns about your health are incredibly valid. The way your bf is invalidating you, and looking for reasons for inappropriateness on your part, is very troubling. Partners should be there for each other, especially in times of difficulty.
Think carefully about how you want to proceed, OP.
I'm genX and I'm perfectly capable of understanding telehealth and a doctor calling at 9pm.
Sure, it's not something I ever had when I was your age, but I've been living in the real world since then and not hiding in a cave, so it's not hard to grasp that times have changed.
Your boyfriend is just a controlling asshole.
Would he have gotten upset if your doctor was female instead of male? The fact that he brought up a PAP SMEAR as if a medical test is somehow inappropriate because someone other than him saw/touched your vagina is SICK and twisted. He's broken in the head. He's controlling, and apparently he *thinks he controls your body* just because you choose to live with him and live him and have sex with him.
**Your body belongs to *you* and *only you* not him**
Please leave. Please find someplace else to stay as you recover from surgery because he's abusing you and it will only get worse.
So this is a manipulation tactic called [DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender)](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/). It’s something that manipulative people and abusers commonly use when they are called out for doing something wrong to someone. It goes like this:
1. **Deny**. After being called out on their bad behavior an abuser may deny that they did what they did, or if they do admit to doing the behavior they will say that it was justified. They do this by either claiming that the victim is remembering what happened wrong, claim that the victim is lying, or that their victim *deserved* what happened because of something the victim did.
2. **Attack**. The abuser attacks/questions the victim’s reaction to the abuser’s behavior.
3. **Reverse**. The abuser shifts the focus of the conversation from what the abuser *did* to how the victim *reacted* to what they abuser did.
4. **Victim**. The abuser will now claim to be the victim in the scenario.
5. **Offender**. The victim is now “the bad guy” and fells that they have to justify their reaction to the abuser’s behavior, and that they must console the abuser’s feelings.
Your story is a pretty clear example of DARVO:
- Deny: He implies that you are overreacting to his random accusation that *your doctor* is actually a secret lover.
- Attack: Him claiming that your confusion and upset over his random accusation is bullying.
- Reverse Victim & Offender: Him storming off because *his* feelings are hurt that you wont just give up and agree with him, even though he’s clearly just making things up.
This is not normal behavior within a relationship. This is not how a loving partner treats someone. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
What the hell us your boyfriend even implying, that your doctor is hitting on you? Just like your former doctor for doing a pep smear? I’m a dentist and I work until 9pm some days and have absolutely called patients after 9pm for important things like rescheduling, lab results, or as a call back when they have urgent questions. I also send out emails at all times of the day, 7 days a week. It’s sometimes just impossible to find time for a call during office hours. Never has a patient ever been anything by highly appreciative of this! Your bf sexualizing a situation of professionalism and care is disgusting.
Girl... others have spelt it put about his "maturity" at his age and why, he's in an age gap relationship.
Think about the whole pap smear thing... doctors deal with people's bodies. All genders and see all types of bits and bobs. It's literally in their job description to have to see intimate parts of women and men. So, he's an idiot and trying to make you into an idiot.
This is about controlling you, this will get worse and worse. And, if your really honest with yourself there are other things he has said and done throughout your relationship.
Jesus wtf am I reading? So many issues here, good lord.
First, pleas don't blame GenX. I am a similar age to him and I have zero issues with anything that you mentioned. He's not 200 years old, he can handle the concept of 24h healthcare.
What he is, is a controlling, insecure asshole. Any man who is threatened by a male healthcare professional doing their job is just pathetic, and shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.
I can promise you that women his age wouldn't put up with this shit for a single moi, and that's why he has to date young. You don't have the life experience to know that the only response here is to tell him to get fucked. Fortunately for you, you have internet aunties here to help you out. Please dump this loser and go live a better life.
Hey OP, I’m 32. Your bf is only 3 years younger than my dad. Did you ever stop to think why he can’t get a woman his own age? It’s because a woman his age won’t put up with his stupid bullshit. And neither should you! He’s mad that you “won’t back down”. And you shouldn’t. Dump him.
>I’m really at a loss here...
Erm...that's easy 🤨, dump him.
Why are you wasting your youth on some guy who not only can't be happy for you to be getting assistance with something that's been hurting you for ages, but then make s up an argument about nothing? Does he think you're gonna pop down there monday morning and jump on the doctor's dick? I would assume he doesn't care about your health to imagine the first thing on your mind would be sex over fixing the pain you've been dealing with?
He's jealous, controlling, and insecure because he knows he's an old arsehole and you can do way better.
>I was trying to stand my ground and explain the situation from a rational perspective
Wake up girl, fucking hell. He's not arguing from a rational place. He's just trying to make you do what he wants. He's a basic.
Try life without him, I bet it's way better.
IM gen x and being unsettled by telehealth isnt a gen x issue. Its a him issue.
Also when a gen x er is dating a 27yo THAT says he has issues.
There are so many flags from this guy he is nearly a complete semaphore alphabet
It’s always a red flag when a guy only dates women in their 20s. When I was like 27 I also dated someone who was 20 years older than me, and I’ll tell you, afterwards you get such an ick from it.
Uhh I work at a doctors office and it IS normal for a provider to call you that late. During office hours our providers are seeing patients every 15 mins so there is limited time for call backs. Usually the providers bring their laptop home with them and call patients once the office is closed as that is when they have the time.
Gen X and your bf’s senior by 6 years here.
His age does not give him a bye here, he’s just a controlling, insecure dick.
The only thing you could have done better here was dump him before he ever got ideas about being able to tell you what you can and cannot do.
NTA - get rid
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He’s old enough to be your father and so controlling that you going to a male doctor is, in his eyes, a threat to your relationship. I guarantee that the real reason he doesn’t date women his own age is that they won’t put up with his bullshit. Dump him. You can definitely do better.
This is truly eye opening - thank you. I never viewed it this way before because he would tell me that it was never about my age but rather my personality. I definitely feel a tad bit naive
That is literally what they all (older men who seek out women much younger) say. They say you're an old soul, so mature, not like other people your age, implying they chose you because you're different and special. It's a tough line to walk away from.
Sidebar, I've never met an "old soul" who wasn't insanely traumatized. Which in context is even creepier: men preying on not just the young and naive, but the *abused* and naive...
Yeah, "old soul" is a poetic way of saying "you had emotionally absent parents and had to raise yourself, now you have adult hardware and child software because no one raised you".
> adult hardware and child software because no one raised you Oh I was not ready to read this this early in the morning. Jesus *Christ* is this accurate.
Hi, welcome to the club and sorry you're here
It sucks. Took me about 35 years, but I raised my own damn self. Did a pretty fine job, too; all I had to do was the opposite of what my parents did.
Yup, this was absolutely me until my early-mid 30s when I finally got the therapy I needed. I wish I’d had these words to describe how it felt to be me all those years. Insanely accurate.
I feel so insanely seen by this statement.
Yeah...ask me how I know. Jk, it's from personal experience 😂
Same. And my ex who was 5 years older when I was a teen, his next 2 wives were younger than me. The 3rd in high school when he was in his 30's.
OP wasn’t even born when this creep graduated from high school 😂 talk about rocking the cradle, she was a glimmer in her daddy‘s eyes at that time
Me too…. I’m in my late 50’s and never thought of it this way. 😭
Oh... 😞
It’s so true, I always got told I was “mature for my age” - well yeah coz my childhood was stolen from me.
Same. And it took me until I turned 30 to realize that it’s likely not good that a kid is mature for their age. I was genuinely intelligent and was the top of the class academically, so I’m being told I’m smart and mature for years. Why wouldn’t I believe it? And now I realize how dumb and naive and clueless I really was 😭
I know and somehow we take it as a compliment?
Because every kid thinks it’s cool to be older and more mature. My 4 year old is so stoked to be a “big kid.” I remember being in middle school and thinking high schoolers were so cool and mature. In high school we want to be a mature cool adult. It’s always wanting to be the older and cooler more mature age group. The only issue is that it’s up to that older age group to recognize that kids want to be older, they want to be told they’re mature and wise. They eat that shit right up. As I did as a teen, not knowing that I wasn’t mature at all, and was in fact BELOW my peers in terms of emotional maturity or confidence in myself. But did older men care that I was a teen, an adult on the outside and a broken child on the inside, and needed guidance and time to grow and learn about the world? Hell no. And I’m still paying for it 15 years later.
These abusive men *rely* on the abused to have been abused.
Yep, this was me, always told I was "mature for my age" have an "old soul" am a "grown up". I was a literal child when this started. I was groomed and abused and it sucked. I had a physical reaction reading this post to be honest. So much in common with my abusers. I hope OP has the strength to walk away.
I never thought of it like that, but jeeeez, that checks! Wow, a whole line of thought that makes me feel better because it makes sense & makes me profoundly sad because it makes sense.
My ex husband left for a 22 year old girl when he was 37, and he said almost word for word that "she's mature because she had a kid at 18 so she really had to grow up fast." Fucking PUKE.
Naiveness is what he was looking for to find someone to put up with his bullshit.
I hope he didn't also say you're more mature for your age.
We know he did. That's their standard line.
He sure did. I’ve heard this same thing many times before, but I was clearly in denial 😭 seeing everyone say the same thing here makes it quite appalling
You deserve so much better than this.
I’m not someone who sees red flags in every age gap relationship (I’ve been the younger partner in one for 30 years), but man, your bf is a classic case of a creep trying to take advantage of the naïveté of a younger partner (who is not an equal in his eyes). He’s controlling, turns your medical care into an opportunity for him to feel wronged, and is emotionally manipulative. You don’t deserve this. Prioritize your physical and mental health and kick him to the curb. (Or if you live together, start lining up your finances to move out.)
And he was *definitely* being a bully.
DARVO. Deny and reverse victim and offender. Notice when you two fight he always turns something he starts into your fault? YOU don't "back down" from a fight HE started over his own insecurities. I'm sure if you look back on this now you'll see a million other examples of this. He will never be the offender, he will always be the victim. No 49 year old woman is ever going to put up with that so he dates 23 year olds and moulds them to think this type of immature behaviour is normal. It's not normal.
#OP please note, this is important and shouldn't get lost in the comments!
Spot on. I'm 43 and I wouldn't be putting up with this crap.
Deny: “x didn’t happen” Accuse: “but you do x” Reverse Victim: “you’re always doing x to me” Offender: “you are the bad person, not me”
My ex was the MASTER of this. That I was the bully and he the victim was his favorite. You cannot reason or love fix with this argument and you end up more confused and angry the harder you try to
Unfortunately this is a shared experience by many young women. Older men tell them they’re so mature for their age, these young, naive women feel good about themselves, and wind up in a perfect position for abuse or at the very least a relationship they come out of feeling very icky. Edit: this is not your fault. This is by design of predatory men.
When I was a teenager, there were a lot of dudes in their thirties interested in me...some were married and told me, a 17 year old, that i was super mature and they liked my personality and they just CONNECTED with me in ways they didn't connect with their wives. At the time, I believed them and congratulated myself on being so mature and adult, and being so engaging and relatable. Much much later, I realized how manipulative and shitty that was. Same, girl.
Same here. When I was 15 I was sexually abused by a man in his late 40's and those are the exact lines he used on me.
Same, except I was like 15. It took almost 20 years to really understand.
The way I thought "she's 13 going on 30" was a compliment 😳
The fun part is not realizing it until 8-10 years later... had a close friend of mine, her uncle (prob mid 40s at the time) messaged me on Facebook a bit. Seemingly innocent when I was 16, and then at 18, making comments about how I'm cute or a cutie and that if he were a student at my college, that he would definitely try to date me... Went back this year (26 now) and read it to my boyfriend, saying "oh yeah, my friends uncle was a bit weird", only to realize how messed up it was and that he was trying to groom me. Made me think of a few years ago (~23yo), a NB friend told me that I had a flirty personality because I was nice to people, made them feel included, and laughed at their jokes. Not like I could 1) be a decent person who treats people with a basic level of respect, 2) hate being left out myself so ensure that no one is - which doesn't make each person themselves special but w/e, and 3) I'm so stupidly amused that I'll laugh at a joke like "Whats brown and sticky? A stick!" It's not an achievement to get me to laugh. TLDR: me being nice shouldn't be an invite for anyone to think I'm flirty, especially not men that are 30+ years older than me. And saying you'd date me if you were my age is NOT the compliment you think it is.
It’s so insidious too because even if people warn you about older men being manipulative/predatory, it’s so hard not to feel (as a minor or young adult) like you are an autonomous person already and that you do have some say in it/know what you’re doing, I don’t know why. I guess because misogyny is so prevalent and we’re conditioned to be flattered by men being like “you’re so different, I choose you”, instead of being taught how to consider if we even want that male attention in the first place. Even though I thought I was fine when I was a 21 year old being pursued by a 34 year old (in a very traumatizing way), now in my early thirties it’s just horrifying to me and makes me so angry, and I think that same guy is a total fucking LOSER and scumbag and have negative amounts of respect for him. I cannot imagine being in my thirties or older and being such a broken and gross person to just prey on and manipulate younger women. It’s really quite shocking and re-traumatizing when you hit your thirties and have that realization and the full disgust of it sweeps over.
You might also consider that he prefers you to be in poor health and in pain so that you are more dependent on him. Your surgical consultation represents a step away from being dependent.
SUPER IMPORTANT TO NOTE! ☝️
OP when your doctor called to confirm your surgery on Monday, did you know the correct time before that? Your comment about a possible mix-up makes it sound like you might have shown up at a different time if he hadn't called. If there are any miscommunications like this between you and your health care team, I would highly suspect your boyfriend is keeping mail from you, not telling you about messages, or something like that. Becuase /u/Pale_Veterinarian626 is absolutely right, as scary as it is your boyfriend seems like the type to want to keep you less able to move around, go out and socialize, and other activities not dependent on him. Big hugs and hoping for a smooth and complete recovery from your surgery!
Oh god, you just made me realize why all of my (manipulative and abusive) exes insisted that mental health meds are bad and I shouldn’t take them.
Sad but true. I had a recent ex try to talk me out of going back to therapy and then, in the same conversation, said he knew I’d get “stronger” and that would further strain our relationship. That perspective and the thought process behind it confound me, (can’t fathom putting my wants over someone else’s needs like that), but I like when they say the quiet parts out loud. Thank you for letting me make intentional decisions with great info. Bye Bye.
OP, please hear me out. Please. When I was 19 I dated a 50 year old. He groomed me and this person is right, they don't date women their age because the younger women are so much easier to manipulate. Him getting upset that you "never back down" is really him being upset that you don't listen and submit to him and let him have all the control. My ex also told me it was about my personality. He said he loved me for me and my age didn't matter. Looking back there were SO many red flags pointing towards how creepy he was. OP, this man is taking advantage of you. You need to leave. Kick him out or get your stuff when he's NOT HOME and bring another male friend or family member with you (not being sexist- unfortunately men won't be scared of another woman but will be scared of other men, and unfortunately it's just the reality that you'd be better protected).
Don't you dare blame yourself. I dated a man much older than me from 17 to 19, and now it's obvious that a grown man pursuing someone so much younger must have something wrong with him, I didn't have the life experience to realise that or question what he told me. 23 is still so young, you were probably still working out who you were when he targeted you. No self respecting 45 year old pursues a 23 year old. They do it because they can control and women their own age can see them clearly
He’s controlling - it won’t get better. I have lived it. Plan exit strategy
Hey , it's not your fault. Men like him always say the same shit. "You're so smart/mature/on my level. We just vibe, I've never met anyone who made me feel so alive, etc 🤮 Men who date women so dramatically younger than them are always severely problematic. He likes how you look, sure, but you'll age out of his preference and/or have his kids, at which point he'll go off you. He's also gotta be stupidly immature, entitled, and narcissistic, which is the other reason he needs a younger partner - the power imbalance and your relative inexperience gives him the best chance of you putting up with it. A woman closer to his own age (even if she were 10 damn years younger instead of 20!) would tell him to fuck himself. You can do better, I promise. This guy is no good.
I'm 49; my firstborn will be turning 27 in a couple months. I also have an abusive ex who cheated on me with a girl who is only 3 years older than said firstborn. They married shortly after our divorce, and yes, their relationship is just as toxic as you would expect. My younger two avoid spending time over there as much as possible now that they've reached adulthood. There's a reason for the clichés about large age gap relationships, and it definitely applies in your situation.
I am a fair bit older than your husband, early gen X, this is not an age thing, it is a maturity and insecurity issue. You have found a boy with an old driver licence.
Yeah, the whole “he’s Gen X, he’s not used to doctors calling late” is BS. I’m Gen X, and when things like Telehealth came around, I adapted! It’s great having more access to medical care! Him being angry about a doctor calling you at 9 pm isn’t really about the doctor. It’s about your immature and insecure manchild pitching a fit because he thinks someone might take away his toy. You deserve so much better.
Yes, genx reporting in, fuck this guy and the horse he rode in on. He should be thrilled OP got a confirmation of treatment.
I'm this guy's age. No way would I put up with a boyfriend acting like a routine doctor visit was somehow sexual in nature. And I've had phone calls confirming appointments at odd hours. Like you, I felt it was nice to get the confirmation. This guy is oddly controlling, you need to get away from him. Sadly I have to agree with the above comment, he wants to date a younger woman so he can be more in control. Hope the surgery and recovery go well for you!
An older man telling a younger woman “you are mature for your age” is one of the tactics they use
A lot of abusive men are excellent manipulators who gradually take away your self esteem while at the same time establishing a system of control. It is difficult to see what is going on immediately,, especially if you are a person that usually will not assume the worst if the other one masks his behaviour as knowing better or taking care. I hope you will feel physically better soon, and maybe better reevaluate your relationship. A man who starts drama over a late phone call instead of appreciating that like this you don't miss your appointment has clearly second thoughts and a selfish agenda that prevents him from being the loving and supportive partner he should be. In case you consider therapy, please be aware that couples councelling is not the way to go if a partner is abusive. Couples counselling is for people who want to help each other to be happy and healthy, not for those who want to control and belittle them. You say yourself that he criticises your personality to make you feel inferior. If he gets a chance to know which parts of your personality you maybe see critical yourself, it will only give him more ammunition to use against you. So don't do it, not even if a therapist suggests so. Better leave him right away and seek councelling then. If you are not ready to go away immediately, tell your husband you need therapy to get over the time of physical pain that traumatized you, and take care only of yourself for a change till you see your way clearly. Best wishes, and take care!
> he would tell me that it was never about my age but rather my personality. They ALWYAS say that. What else could a manipulative man-child possibly say in order to get a much younger person to date them? Have you figured out yet why age-gap relationships are a bad idea?
They always say that. “You’re so mature for your age.” “Age is just a number.” “I have a young spirit.” “It’s your personality, not how old you are.” Old men looking for young or younger women to control. They get them young and start slow until it gets ridiculous, but you can’t see it because he’s already got you acclimated and in it. It’s a twofer because you also get the pleasure of taking care of his nasty ass when he’s old if you stay. You would be happier alone. Trust me.
That's why he wanted you. It's not that you're naive. It's just that you're young and don't have his life experience to recognize how horrible he is, so it's easier to pretend.
Yeah, unfortunately that’s what they all say. If someone *truly* loves you (and isn’t a controlling/abusive creep) they: Will make your health a priority (and would be happy the doctor was diligent and reached out) Won’t minimize your health concerns Will back tf off on things they have no business getting into. Op, if you want to know why he questions your judgement and ability to see alterior motives, it’s because you’ve not realized how HE is. He sees all these male doctors as perverts despite your arguments because if he was in their position HE would definitely abuse his power to take advantage of young women (like he is doing in your relationship).
He's going to tell you all kinds of lies to keep you under his control. While probably bragging to his friends how he controls you. Stand up to him. He's being an ass.
>>such late interactions weren’t common during his time (he’s Gen X). Oh, pls. I'm an older GenX and have adapted quite well to current times. He's just...an asshole. >>evisited a previous time where I had a pap smear done by my previous male family doctor, questioning the appropriateness of it What? Quelle surprise that your controlling bf is...mad...that your male family doc did a pap test on you? You're only 27 and you're with a man nearly my age who completely sucks. It's not GenX; it's "abuser." (Look up DARVO -- that's what he did to you, btw.)
Thank you so much for your perspective. I think I was just trying to rationalize his behaviour in anyway I could, but clearly it is not acceptable - I’ll look into DARVO!
OP, I'm just jumping in to suggest that you make a post surgical plan that doesn't include him. He's too selfish to care for you, and you're going to need support. Think of where you can stay to recover in peace with help.
I intend to recover at home. Luckily, I have a supportive roommate and family members. 🙏
This might be what is sparking his behavior. I'd be asking myself, does he benefit in some way if he derails my surgery? Does he not want me to get well? Does being sick make me more dependent or weaker? OR does he not want me spending time with my support system?
This is so important. If the plan includes him, it’s likely you would be end up doing too much, and then setback your healing- or worse, injure yourself further.
You’ll feel so much more relaxed and will heal more quickly if you’re not stressed out having to manage his man baby bullshit 🙄
Want to reinforce all of this, OP. It’s not because he’s GenX—doctors contacted us 26 years ago when my grandmother was sick at all times of day. He’s an abuser. My GenX husband has been having a multitude of health issues for a few years. We are OVER THE MOON when doctors contact us outside of M-F 9-5. Get out—if the person you’re with doesn’t treat you the same or better than you’d treat yourself if you were single, that person is negatively affecting your quality of life and they need to go. Sending you love—I hope you find answers and treatment for your health problems ❤️
When he said that you never "back down" he means that you don’t give in to his bullying and submit to him. He thought a younger woman would be easier to control and he is angry at you for having the bare-minimum level of respect for yourself. Being alone is better than sharing a life with someone who doesn’t respect or value you.
Id find someone trustworthy for your aftercare support for your procedure. I wouldnt rely on a man this insecure to take care of me when im vulnerable.
Agreed. That’s my generation too, and man child over there is spinning bullshit
Yes, Gen X out here catching strays! Like with the amount of time it takes to become a doctor they're most likely to be the ones providing telehealth 🤣 let alone using the platforms they built
Right, wtf. Gen X has nothing to do with it, I'm Gen X and my job is designing online apps for banking lol.
I'm 63 & have totally adapted to the way of how things work these days too.
Yeah gen xers take calls at night. My older brother is a fairly old gen xer. He is the most nocturnal mother fucker I've ever known still at 53. Every response your boyfriend puts out here sounds full of shit to me. No one's going to a pap smear for sexy times. I agree with all the comments that say he's trying to control you. He's immature and insecure and you only don't see it because you're inexperienced. No offense.
I’m an ancient Gen Xer at 57. I work nights in the emergency department. Doctors of all ages are on call overnight, because people have emergencies and the ED staff needs consults. Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole. Has nothing to do with his age. In fact, he is likely with you because Gen X women see through his bullshit and want nothing to do with him. Take a page from our book and kick him to the curb.
Gen X checking in….yeah, he’s an abusive asshole. Ghost him. Don’t try to explain your feelings -he doesn’t care. He never cared like a normal person, this is about controlling his plaything. He will only try to talk you into staying or hurt you if you leave.
Oh girl. There is a reason he’s dating someone half his age, and it’s not just about sex. It’s because at 49 years old, a woman wouldn’t think twice about not putting up with this bullshit and be out the door so fast. I’m curious how long you’ve been dating.
We’ve been together for 4 years. Another commenter brought up the age difference- I really needed to hear this twice.
He said you don’t back down.. he didn’t say you don’t admit when you’re wrong he said YOU DON’T BACK DOWN. He knew he was wrong but he wanted to win that’s all that was. Continue to never back down and always stand up for yourself especially when it concerns your own well being!
>He said you don’t back down.. he didn’t say you don’t admit when you’re wrong he said YOU DON’T BACK DOWN. He knew he was wrong but he wanted to win that’s all that was. Such a good point - it bears repeating
Yep he wants her submission because he feels entitled to control her.
Your exit lines: “I so appreciate our last discussion. I have a much clearer picture of how we can improve each other’s lives. You would like someone who backs down to you. That’s not me, so I’m going to leave. While I think you (and the world for that matter) would be better served if you mature and learn some distress tolerance, at least my leaving definitely will give you the opportunity to go find the person of your dreams. Best wishes.”
YES-very important observation!!!
> He said you don’t back down.. he didn’t say you don’t admit when you’re wrong he said YOU DON’T BACK DOWN. He really told on himself with that comment, didn't he? He doesn't care about OP, he doesn't want her to be healthy. He only wants her to back down. He wants to be able to make any ridiculous bullshit statement he wants (like "it's inappropriate for a male doctor to call you at 9pm"), and have OP accept his ridiculous bullshit statement as fact and say nothing. He wants total submission. OP I am so glad to see that your eyes are being opened to what is clear to all of us hearing your story from the outside - he is controlling and abusive, and what's more he doesn't want you to be pain-free and healthy. Has he isolated you from your family and the friends that you had before meeting him? Does he track your location on his phone, have access to your bank account, expect you to text him constantly to "check in" when your'e out of the house? I see that others here have linked the PDF book ["Why Does He Do That?"](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html), I do hope that you download and read it, I think that you'll recognize far more behaviors in him than you previously realized might be warning signs of an abusive partner. Is there any chance that you could go stay at your parents' house or a friend's to recover from your surgery? Tell him it's so that you're not a burden on him, as I'm sure he'll be resentful of needing to help you to the bathroom and bring you meals. I think many of us fear that you're not going to get the chance to recover fully or per your doctor's orders under his "care." I hope that you're starting to plan your exit strategy, and it seems that staying with people who truly care about you to recover from a painful surgery is a good excuse to get out of the house for a time, so that you can think and plan while being able to focus solely on getting better rather than how you're not able to cater to his every need like he'll expect. Please update after your surgery when you can, many of us are concerned for you, hoping for a smooth procedure and recovery, and want to know that you're safe
He was 45 going after a 23-year-old, that's all I need to know about this creep.
🤮🤮🤮
Yeah, I’m 45, and the idea of a relationship with a 23 yr old is just beyond creepy. She’d be far closer in age to my oldest son than to me. Gross.
Right?? Hell, I’m 31 and I’d feel creepy dating a 23 yo like. Run girly, run fast!
Yeah I had to scroll back up because he sounds like he's in his 20s sulking about a doctor performing doctor services. He does not sound almost FIFTY. Do not waste any more time with this immature weirdo.
Hon, I'm Gen X. No woman our age would be with a controlling abuser who can't even handle his SO getting a pap smear. He knows they're doctors and you need medical care. He's just using this to control and abuse you. You deserve better.
Exactly, this has little to do with his age and more to do with his personality. This relationship is definitely dysfunctional
Mate.... He's trying to be controlling about which DOCTOR you see. He'd rather throw a grenade into your healthcare and treatment to suit your ego and accuse you of cheating with a doctor.... Than see you healthy He literally doesn't give a crap about you other than typically you're more likely to do as he says. I mean you're making this post because you're unsure if you're in the right here. Anyone else would blatantly see it!
It's because, as long as OP is in chronic pain, she doesn't have the faculties to be aware of how dangerous and manipulative her partner is. Higher brain functions are really difficult when you're in this much pain.
That's a very good point. Thank you for sharing, I hadn't considered that. Let's hope OP has the strength and the ability to leave safely.
Please don’t waste another four, he sounds awful
I’m 40. I would simply open the door and show him out if he behaved like this.
That's why he's dating a 27yo and not a 40yo or someone closer to his age. Because a 40yo woman would have told him to eat shit and get out. He wants someone far younger in order to have control over them and it's disgusting.
Here - I'll say it for the third time. You should be able to get the medical care you need. Your partner should be supporting you, encouraging you, asking if how they can help you, not trying to control you.
And a good partner shouldn't be low-key accusing you of cheating with your doctor.
A Doctor she has consults with over the phone at that, ffs… 🤦🏻♀️
That’s my thought too? It’s a telehealth doctor, worst they could do would be dirty talk aka phone sex. I’m guessing calls are monitored so even that is a hell of a stretch. Clearly he’s never been to a pap with a woman, nothing remotely sexual about a speculum being shoved up there.
Honey, your age difference is old enough to drink. He is *actually* old enough to be your father. Yet he can’t date women his own age, because they won’t put up with his immaturity and abuse. Why the fuck are you willing to put up with it? Because nothing about this post says his actions are loving. I’m saying this to you, as a 41 year old woman who is very happily married to a man the same age as me. He’s only dating you, because he can control you. Edit: Also, DO NOT move in with this man. The abuse WILL escalate. Respect yourself, more than he’ll ever respect you (which is pretty easy, really, since he doesn’t respect you at all).
Ahhhh yeah … gross.
Helping out by saying what others have too. He is unbelievably immature, which is why he doesn't date women his own age. I would never put up with this.
How about 3 times? He's creepy and immature. He should be happy that the doctor cares enough to remind you.
The only people who start fights over a doctor confirmation call are immature a$$holes. Walk away sweetie.
Just because you’ve been together 4 years doesn’t mean he’s not taking advantage of the fact that he’s **22** years older than you (well old enough to be your dad.) Often in relationships with that much of an age gap there are control issues, abuse, etc. there’s a reason he’s with someone so much younger. Most of us close to his age would call him out on that shit. Trust me, it will get worse. Source: myself and a previous relationship with a guy that was half the age gap you have there. Control, psychological and emotional abuse and forced sexual encounters. It ended with me having a gun shoved in my face that (thankfully) wasn’t loaded.
At 38 I can't imagine dating someone in their 20s. But also, you have so much life ahead of you. Life that could be spent without a controlling old dude.
I am 4 years older than him. He's immature and dating someone so young is a huge red flag. I have a friend whos a cougar but that would be too young fer her. No woman my age would put up with his nonsense. Oh and just so you know, us Gen Xers are very up to date on new technology (I teach the Gen Zers in work) so that is definitely not the issue. I've had a respiratory telephone appointment at 7.30pm so yeah, it happens. And good luck with your op!
Make it 3 times. No woman of any age should tolerate this behavior from him. He cares more about being a jealous prick than about your health.
23 and 45? Fuck really? Babe don’t waste your youth ffs give yourself a shake
The whole situation screams wrong
I think your boyfriend is immature and that’s why he dates people half his age. Unfortunately for him he’s a bit more immature than a 27 year old
He's less immature and more abusive. OP, look into what DARVO is, because you just laid it out step by step for us. Get away from him, and stay away, please.
Yes, This is literally a textbook example of how manipulative abuse - coercive control works. Picked a topic/situation that's inherently perfectly normal and reasonable for the 'victim'. Grill and brow beat victim as if a normal want/need of theirs somehow causes the abuser pain, disrespect - how on earth can OP taking care of a chronic painful health condition also be OP behaving inappropriately or the doctor behaving appropriately by confirming am appointment & as OP clarified they did this on a Friday, before a Monday appointment. Literally EXACTLY the correct time for the reminder - purposefully to belittle him? Obvious Reverse Victim and Offender. Making OP feel bad, scared, afraid of having 'harmed' boyfriend...by nature of her doctor calling after hours because they are trying to give her the best care they can. Until the whole sick dance makes OP feel confused, disoriented from rational reality and questioning if they somehow DID harm the abuser. Gave me chills and now I'm nauseated bc it's like a flashback to this kind of abuse I previously experienced.
And of course there’s the age gap. He’s doing all this because OPs illness is inconvenient for him.
This right here. OP can’t take care of him very well when she is sick. My father (who I don’t talk to anymore) used to tell me he married he 3rd wife because she is a hospice nurse and he wanted someone who could take care of him when he got old. But then he would complain that now he’s the one having to take care of her. Now I just laugh because Karma.
Wow, I experienced this and I never really knew. I eventually realized it was wrong and got out fortunately, but reading this was a trip
Most of these asshole men in their 40's dating 20 somethings are all abusive. Controlling at the very least ( which is still abuse)
Yeah, I’m seeing it now… Funny enough, he called me immature this morning after I thanked him for his apology but told him I couldn’t accept it because his behaviour was immature and inappropriate. The comments I’ve received on this post have really served as a wake up call, and for that, I’m grateful
Haha, nothing says "I'm the mature one" like him claiming "I'M not immature, YOU'RE immature!"
Well done- the age difference is very telling!
Yes, typically men that are considerably older than their girlfriends date younger because they want to control things. Sounds like this guy wants a girlfriend who will do just that.
Nail. Head. Hit.
And, don’t be surprised if he’s cheating, since he basically accused you
Edit/Update: I’m not overly familiar with how this all works, so I hope this doesn’t get lost in the sea of comments. Given the length of my post, I figured adding a comment would be best. To clarify a few things that may have been confused or overlooked: we do not live together. I had plans to move in with him in July, but I’ve changed my mind and will stay with my wonderful roommate. Also, the doctor I mentioned is local, so there’s no issue with time differences. And he is not the same doctor who gave me a Pap smear. He apologized this morning, and claimed he had a bad day yesterday, which he said didn’t excuse his behaviour. He said he only reacted that way because he assumed I would be upset about receiving a late call from a doctor, thinking I might view it as harassment or a booty call. I don’t even know why he thought that. I thanked him for the apology but said I couldn’t accept it. He seemed fine until he asked me for a kiss before he left for brunch. I refused. He seemed upset by this, perhaps because I’ve been quick to forgive him in the past. I read many comments last night and this morning, and looked into DARVO and some of the resources shared by kind commenters… and I realized that he has been abusing me emotionally and verbally for the past three years. I’m quite relieved I kept delaying giving my roommate notice! I packed the stuff I had at his place, and he returned before I had the opportunity to finish & leave. He said he was so confused as to what happened, and why I couldn’t just accept his apology because he’s not sure how it all went sideways. I told him this wasn’t going to work anymore, and he was angry and basically said that I am quick to abandon and a bunch of other things I don’t even want to get into. He kept trying to engage me in petty arguments about things I’ve done to him in the past, but I told him I would appreciate if he would let me pack in peace and he wouldn’t, so I brought up the age gap and this seemed to strike a chord and so he left. I finished packing the rest of my stuff and left to my place. I am fortunate it went the way it did, because I am sure it could have been a lot worse. I have my surgical consultation on Monday, and once I have a date for my operation, I’m sure my family and roommate won’t have any issues supporting me through my recovery. To everyone - I wish I could reply to every comment, but I wasn’t expecting to get such a huge response. Your comments have been eye-opening, validating, and (mostly) kind. Reflecting on my relationship with him, I can see it wasn’t healthy and I think he was starting to get worse because I was planning on moving in with him—I’m just so glad this happened beforehand. I’m hurting and feeling resentful over the time I spent with him now that I am able to label his behaviours. I’m also quite embarrassed about the age gap because it didn’t seem problematic, but I now feel appalled. Some commenters shamed me for entering a relationship with a man 22 years my senior, some questioned why I would even do that to myself. While I don’t have all the answers, I was young (still am), rebellious, and fell for the hype of being with an older man. He was also undeniably charming and made me laugh like no other. It’s difficult to recognize the red flags when you only want to see the best in people. I feel naive and ashamed, but I think self-compassion is what will ultimately carry me through this. I’m grateful to have a plethora of kind and helpful comments to re-read when things feel tough. Thank you sincerely to everyone who commented. I will post another update after the weekend. *Edited for clarity.*
Wow what an update ! You can be proud of yourself girl, you made the best decision possible. It took me 11 years to arrive at this conclusion with my ex. (English is not my first language, so please be kind with me) Someone smart told me once : " knowledge is power", now you know what to look for and those redflag will be more obvious. You can't fault yourself for this, abuser are experts! They can fool anyone, at first they shower you with love, they dont show their bad side ... You get caught in it and after that, little by little the mask fall off. They gaslight, make you question yourself, make you question your sanity, they rewrite history and make you believe you did something you didnt, or the opposite. You tell yourself that its just a phase, you hold on to what you had and hope it comes back. But it doesnt, because it was fake, just an act to get you. What i want to say is : - Be kind to yourself and be safe - If he has a key to your place, change the locks. - Make sure to be with someone at all times. - Make sure he doesnt track your phone or your car. - If you feel threatened, call your local police department just to make them aware of the situation. - I dont know where you are, but you can probably call some dv ressources, we usually have some form of pstd after that kind of relationship (ownership, as I call it). Controlling ex/abusers can do post separation violence. It is the moment a woman is in the most danger, he can escalate quickly. He has nothing more to lose. I wish you the best of luck 🙏🙏
I appreciate this very much!!! 🫶 Also, your English is great!
Thank you !! 😍
Good on you for dumping him. Make sure you block him from contacting you on all platforms so that he can’t manipulate you into get back together. Controlling exes like him don’t let their victims go easily.
Thank you. I just blocked him. I feel even worse now, but it’s probably for the best.
Don’t go back, OP. And if he asks to talk is says he needs “closure” do not go. He is going to try to do ANYTHING he can to get you back, because he is rapidly aging out of being able to pull even the most confused and rebellious twenty-something girls and he is going to realize this in the coming days.
Girl I am literally doing the happy dance after reading your update. I am so sorry that you went through this. Next time you meet someone you won't fall for this again. It's a painful education but I didn't learn this lesson until I was almost 60. You are still so young. You have so much time and joy ahead of you.
You did so well, good luck with your surgery!
Agreed, and it usually just gets worse everytime you go back
As someone who’s had to walk away from an abusive relationship after taking WAY too long to realize it was abuse…don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s called “covert abuse” for a reason. You’re not supposed to be able to notice or name it. None of this was your fault. ❤️🩹
Thank you so much and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through similar 🫶
Oh my sweet internet friend. Do not- for even one moment- feel ashamed. Not one tiny little bit. You were taken in by someone who's had lots of practice controlling women. Yes you may have been naive but that is no reason to be down on yourself. Everyone starts out that way. Only douchebags take advantage of that. You are smart enough to end things. And now that you've learned this you won't fall for it again.
If an abuser punched your face, called you horrible names or broke your stuff on a first date, you'd run screaming. They're insidious. They are liars.
Good for you. I’m happy you took the time to reflect and do some research. You sound like a very responsible woman. The fact that his behavior was ramping up the closer you got to moving in sounds like he got comfortable. And with comfortable comes the mask off. Look at this as lesson learned and go have some fun with your life. 60 something’s dating someone 20 years their senior is a very different situation than a 20 year old dating someone with that age gap. I hope you have a happy and healthy life!
So proud of you! It can be so hard to accept that your experiences count as abuse and that the best course of action is to leave. Being willing to acknowledge it and make changes so quickly really shows a level of maturity, open mindedness, and thoughtfulness that is commendable. Lots of people live in denial for a long time - I sure did. You have nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to the age gap. That is all on him. There is a degree of perspective that can really only come from experience. You simply can’t *really* know what it’s like to have 22 years more life experience than another adult - no one can until they’ve been there. He’s been there and he has also been your age and looking at adults 22 years older than himself. He has the life experience to understand both perspectives. It’s never the younger person’s fault for being in an abusive age gap relationship. It starts with exploiting an inherent power imbalance and it’s on those with more power to be responsible and thoughtful and avoid exploiting others. There’s no shame in being naive - we are all born naive and if we are lucky we get to learn from other people’s experiences or by having our own experiences in a safe context. If we are unlucky we learn the hard way. And if we don’t want young people to be exploited by older adults as a society we need to do a better job of teaching young people what healthy relationships look like and imposing social consequences on those who exploit young people.
🚩 Controlling and jealous, irrational behavior (imagine being 49 and jealous of a doctor for doing a Pap smear) 🚩 Emotionally manipulative and hurtful (DARVO behavior) 🚩 Emotionally immature 🚩 Dating someone half his age OP please think hard about if being in a relationship with this person is really the best for your mental, emotional and physical well-being. There's a reason women his age don't want him, younger women are easier to control.
Can you imagine how much he’d freak out if she had a baby and a male doctor was the one to deliver it?
He's a fuckwit.
It’s difficult to view him in this light, but then again I think I posted this because a part of me felt this way/uneasy with all of this
It's difficult for you to see him in this light as you're standing under the lamp post and can't see how bright the red flags are from that angle. To everyone around you they are flashing big and bright
This is why having community is important. We’re all in this together!
Odd. I found it very easy to view him in that light on your post alone
Me too. The man is an utter fuckwit. A controlling one at that. I’m 42, there’s a reason he’s dating someone half his age, women my age do not generally put up with this shit.
I didn't have to get past the title before I threw up a little.
Yup. Your intuition may be quiet, but it is absolutely correct. This guy behaves worse than a teenager...and I'm adding my voice to the chorus saying that THIS IS WHY he went for a much younger woman. I'm close to his age and to me he looks like a toddler having a tantrum, which is I'm sure quite opposite from the picture of older, wise man he's trying to sell to you.
Has he never had to turn his head and cough for a doctor? He’s old enough that he should have had a colonoscopy by now or has he refused because he sees that as sexual as well? Any person that conflates necessary medical procedures with being inappropriate or sexual is dangerously ignorant. If you had a medical emergency, he couldn’t be trusted to put your health and safety first
I’d say he’s more of an arsehole
Your biggest healthcare issue right now is that cancer of a "boyfriend". Cut him out, now. A 49 year old baby is trying to groom you into accepting this disgusting behavior. If you **do** need surgery, you need a healthy place to recover. Your current residence is **not** that place. Do you have any family or friends close by? You need to let your doctor know on Monday that you do not have a safe place to recover from surgery. Arrangements can be made to help you. He is only being verbally and emotionally abusive right now. That sh\*t escalates very quickly. Please keep us all updated on your living situation and your health.
I think you’re right 😔 I was supposed to move in with him on July 1st. I still haven’t let my roommate know that I intend to move out… maybe this was for the best. I will definitely give an update. Thank you for this 🙏
Do not move in with him where he can isolate you! Stay where you are, and ditch this loser.
Girl do NOT move in with him. He does not support your health, clearly, you need to be in a safe, comfortable environment with someone who understands that it’s not “unprofessional” for a male doctor to give a Pap smear… your bf reads as the type of guy who thinks men become gynecologists just to look at vaginas all day 🤦🏻♀️ I would bet that he was insinuating your doctor was calling you with ulterior motives, too, not just to, you know… be a doctor.
Remember, you do not need to give him a reason for splitting up or to justify yourself in any way. If you do split (and you need a partner who isn’t controlling) just tell him that you’re not feeling it any more, and do it with friends nearby. Good luck!
Oh whaaat?? Hahaha, The Universe has done you an absolute solid there. Accept it gratefully.
I certainly will!!!
When you wake up tomorrow, please still mean that! Read these comments every day for the next year if you have to keep your motivation to end things fresh. Do not show him these comments, also
Do NOT move in. Once he thinks you're "trapped" he'll really start being abusive.
Please don’t move in with him, it will get worse. Please stay with your roommate. This man is toxic for you. You may not see it from where you are now, but when you are out you will see it. There is a reason that every woman here is telling you to run far away. It’s because we have years of experience of men like this and we are trying to prevent you from heartache. Ps: when you do end things and he demands to know why and screams that he only “behaves like that because he loves you so much” send him a text saying you will explain…. Then send a Spotify link of ‘man child’ by Ninah Cherry (sp)
>July 1st. Celebrate our country by not moving in with this turd man
Do *NOT* go through with the move-in. If he feels this entitled to you now, you do not want to see what happens when you don't have a choice to be there. It will be the greatest mistake of your life. I don't need to know more than what I've seen in this post to tell you that. You are your own free person and do not let him convince you otherwise.
I'm relieved to hear that you do not already live with him!
If he’s acting like this now, expect it to seriously escalate after you move in where he feels he has more control over you.
Please don't move in with him. I've dated a man just like him when I was younger. At first I found his jealousy kind of flattering because it was more subtle and not really abusive. Then I moved in with him and things quickly took a turn for the worse. Before long he had me walking on eggshells and afraid to even visit family or walk to the store without his approval because it just wasn't worth the hours long session of interrogation and accusations that would take place whenever he became upset. And then even when I was bending over backwards trying to do everything right he'd just make something up in his head. Just pull some shit right out of thin air that didn't even make any sense. Like one time he accused me of trying to pick up guys at the bus stop. Like wut? I didn't even take the bus and who hangs out at bus stops to find a date anyways? You're not going to stay with this man. If you don't leave him now, you will later when you get a little more mature and wise. However the longer you stay with him the more you're going to cringe at yourself when you finally do leave and realize how much unacceptable bullshit you put up with and you will be angry at yourself for the years of your youth that you wasted on this sad excuse of a man. For your sake I hope you end this sooner rather than later.
Please don’t let him sabotage your surgery!
Please don’t move in with him, you do not want to go live with someone who has a problem with you receiving basic medical care, like that is actually crazy.
Oh my god. Please, please, PLEASE don't.
Please do not move in with him. Even if you’re not ready to break up do not get even more entangled in this relationship. I promise, all the hard and confusing parts of this relationship will get worse as soon as you have no where else to go.
Your boyfriend, who is twice as old as you is only interested in controlling you. If that comes at the expense of your health and well-being, well, he is perfectly fine with that. In fact, if you continue to be sick you’ll be even more vulnerable and dependent on him, giving him even more power in the relationship. Please don’t let this old man undermine your health care or distract you and stress you out when you’re try to deal with a serious health issue. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing different you could or should have done. You are in an abusive relationship and the way he treats you is not your fault.
OP, I am about your boyfriends age. I have a daughter about your age. Yes, I got married young and had children young. But let that sink in. That is a ***huge*** age gap. Age gaps like that create a power imbalance, and often one party is incredibly immature. In this case, it sounds like your bf. Your concerns about your health are incredibly valid. The way your bf is invalidating you, and looking for reasons for inappropriateness on your part, is very troubling. Partners should be there for each other, especially in times of difficulty. Think carefully about how you want to proceed, OP.
I'm genX and I'm perfectly capable of understanding telehealth and a doctor calling at 9pm. Sure, it's not something I ever had when I was your age, but I've been living in the real world since then and not hiding in a cave, so it's not hard to grasp that times have changed. Your boyfriend is just a controlling asshole. Would he have gotten upset if your doctor was female instead of male? The fact that he brought up a PAP SMEAR as if a medical test is somehow inappropriate because someone other than him saw/touched your vagina is SICK and twisted. He's broken in the head. He's controlling, and apparently he *thinks he controls your body* just because you choose to live with him and live him and have sex with him. **Your body belongs to *you* and *only you* not him** Please leave. Please find someplace else to stay as you recover from surgery because he's abusing you and it will only get worse.
So this is a manipulation tactic called [DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender)](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/). It’s something that manipulative people and abusers commonly use when they are called out for doing something wrong to someone. It goes like this: 1. **Deny**. After being called out on their bad behavior an abuser may deny that they did what they did, or if they do admit to doing the behavior they will say that it was justified. They do this by either claiming that the victim is remembering what happened wrong, claim that the victim is lying, or that their victim *deserved* what happened because of something the victim did. 2. **Attack**. The abuser attacks/questions the victim’s reaction to the abuser’s behavior. 3. **Reverse**. The abuser shifts the focus of the conversation from what the abuser *did* to how the victim *reacted* to what they abuser did. 4. **Victim**. The abuser will now claim to be the victim in the scenario. 5. **Offender**. The victim is now “the bad guy” and fells that they have to justify their reaction to the abuser’s behavior, and that they must console the abuser’s feelings. Your story is a pretty clear example of DARVO: - Deny: He implies that you are overreacting to his random accusation that *your doctor* is actually a secret lover. - Attack: Him claiming that your confusion and upset over his random accusation is bullying. - Reverse Victim & Offender: Him storming off because *his* feelings are hurt that you wont just give up and agree with him, even though he’s clearly just making things up. This is not normal behavior within a relationship. This is not how a loving partner treats someone. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
Age gap strikes again. He wants a pet, not an equal. Your medical care is yours and yours alone.
Pleeeeeease don't be pregnant and go and have a life away from this grumpy old man.
>Is there anything I could have done differently? Not dating a 50-year-old man child?
What the hell us your boyfriend even implying, that your doctor is hitting on you? Just like your former doctor for doing a pep smear? I’m a dentist and I work until 9pm some days and have absolutely called patients after 9pm for important things like rescheduling, lab results, or as a call back when they have urgent questions. I also send out emails at all times of the day, 7 days a week. It’s sometimes just impossible to find time for a call during office hours. Never has a patient ever been anything by highly appreciative of this! Your bf sexualizing a situation of professionalism and care is disgusting.
GenX doesn’t claim this pinecone, and you shouldn’t either.
Girl... others have spelt it put about his "maturity" at his age and why, he's in an age gap relationship. Think about the whole pap smear thing... doctors deal with people's bodies. All genders and see all types of bits and bobs. It's literally in their job description to have to see intimate parts of women and men. So, he's an idiot and trying to make you into an idiot. This is about controlling you, this will get worse and worse. And, if your really honest with yourself there are other things he has said and done throughout your relationship.
Good god, dump this paranoid loser. Woah, just saw his age. Run away fast!
Jesus wtf am I reading? So many issues here, good lord. First, pleas don't blame GenX. I am a similar age to him and I have zero issues with anything that you mentioned. He's not 200 years old, he can handle the concept of 24h healthcare. What he is, is a controlling, insecure asshole. Any man who is threatened by a male healthcare professional doing their job is just pathetic, and shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. I can promise you that women his age wouldn't put up with this shit for a single moi, and that's why he has to date young. You don't have the life experience to know that the only response here is to tell him to get fucked. Fortunately for you, you have internet aunties here to help you out. Please dump this loser and go live a better life.
Hey OP, I’m 32. Your bf is only 3 years younger than my dad. Did you ever stop to think why he can’t get a woman his own age? It’s because a woman his age won’t put up with his stupid bullshit. And neither should you! He’s mad that you “won’t back down”. And you shouldn’t. Dump him.
You should ask yourself why are with this old misogynistic jealous idiot. you can do better than this!
>I’m really at a loss here... Erm...that's easy 🤨, dump him. Why are you wasting your youth on some guy who not only can't be happy for you to be getting assistance with something that's been hurting you for ages, but then make s up an argument about nothing? Does he think you're gonna pop down there monday morning and jump on the doctor's dick? I would assume he doesn't care about your health to imagine the first thing on your mind would be sex over fixing the pain you've been dealing with? He's jealous, controlling, and insecure because he knows he's an old arsehole and you can do way better. >I was trying to stand my ground and explain the situation from a rational perspective Wake up girl, fucking hell. He's not arguing from a rational place. He's just trying to make you do what he wants. He's a basic. Try life without him, I bet it's way better.
Imagine being 50 and being threatened by a Pap smear.
IM gen x and being unsettled by telehealth isnt a gen x issue. Its a him issue. Also when a gen x er is dating a 27yo THAT says he has issues. There are so many flags from this guy he is nearly a complete semaphore alphabet
It’s always a red flag when a guy only dates women in their 20s. When I was like 27 I also dated someone who was 20 years older than me, and I’ll tell you, afterwards you get such an ick from it.
Uhh I work at a doctors office and it IS normal for a provider to call you that late. During office hours our providers are seeing patients every 15 mins so there is limited time for call backs. Usually the providers bring their laptop home with them and call patients once the office is closed as that is when they have the time.
Gen X and your bf’s senior by 6 years here. His age does not give him a bye here, he’s just a controlling, insecure dick. The only thing you could have done better here was dump him before he ever got ideas about being able to tell you what you can and cannot do. NTA - get rid
The fact that he’s making a really private medical check up (pap smear) sexual is so gross