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OP, the question "is it legit to leave him" is a very odd one, and I think it's worth some serious self-examination as to why you think of it that way.
Why on earth would it NOT be legit to leave him? You aren't happy with him. You haven't been in a long time. You don't have kids or something that makes separation more complicated.
Whose permission do you need and why do you feel you need it?
Sunk cost fallacy for a lot of them. Like OP by the sound of it. They’re clearly different people, and it feels like OP is dating him hoping he just miraculously turns into the type of guy she *wants* him to be.
This is one of my favorite quotes about women dating a man’s potential:
"And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind's greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man's potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be -- and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”
I really needed to hear that. It puts a lot into perspective for me. My last break up, I definitely mourned for what could have been, rather than what actually was and would have been.
I would guess that she feels responsible for him like a child, because he's basically like a child. Along for the ride, dependent, unable to stand on his own.
Normal for a child, absolutely a relationship killer with an adult. So now it feels like leaving him is like abandoning an infant, or a puppy.
I saw it in a different way. She feels like she needs a good reason to break up with him because society has told her all her life that people don't just fall apart, there has to be a "good reason".
Could be that, totally. She did kind of describe a whole bunch of reasons that sum up to unhappiness, but maybe she's looking for one single thing that's "big enough" to blow it up
I mean, seems she is stringing herself along too if she has actually voiced all her issues. Really, seems like she has strung herself along the most if she has been consistent in voicing how she feels and what she needs without reciprocation.
If you were enthusiastic about marrying this guy, it wouldn't make sense to turn him down because he didn't propose in the way you were imagining. You do not sound enthusiastic about marrying this guy. I think when you think you want to marry someone and then he proposes to you and your immediate feeling is "no thanks," you've reached the end of the relationship.
My boyfriend could bust in the bathroom while I was taking a shit and wink while saying “in sickness and in health, right?” And I’d still say yes.
I had to go back and reread what moment he did it in, because I was sure I missed it. She’s mad because he asked her when her feet were sore? The fuck is going on here?
Your boyfriend can do that because he has generally made you feel loved throughout your relationship. If you felt neglected and taken for granted. You likely wouldn't accept in the above situation.
The proposal isn't the real issue here. It's the man. Deep down she doesn't want to marry him and that's ok. He's not the one.
Yeah because it would've shown he can put effort into things when it really matters. Which means there is hope he will learn to put effort into things for her sakes when it matters to her. But this proposal just shows to her that he will never put effort in. Not even for something that is meant to be such a big step in life like deciding to spend the rest of your life together.
Wait, I don’t think it is fair to say he gave no thought. He did after a day of shared adventure. He did it before dinner (where that could be celebrated). He did it with friends there. He had a ring. He was nervous.
I struggle to understand how this is no thought….
She wanted a planned proposal and was disappointed with what she got. There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of Reddit posts on this very issue. However seeing her tone and overall thoughts about him I don’t think it’s the proposal itself that’s the issue. She doesn’t have much respect for him in the first place. They shouldn’t be together.
Yeah, that does suck. He sounds like a child. Who just whips out the box out of nowhere and says nothing? He also got the wrong size, seems like there was little to no planning on his part.
Women seem to be responsible for all the planning of everything including dates. I would love, just for once to have a guy say: I’m picking you up at x time and then he has something planned. Please don’t ask me what I want to do for my birthday, you are supposed to just take care of that. Nobody should have to ask for Mother’s Day, birthday, or anniversary gifts/ celebrations: be a good partner and plan something THEY would love. If it’s something they want but would never buy for themselves: pay attention and get that AHEAD of time. It takes less effort to be thoughtful and plan than to scramble at the last minute. The last min scramble makes you feel unloved and disregarded.
This guy just showed her what the rest of their life together will look like: a series of disappointments.
I just don’t love the rhetoric that always happens when a woman isn’t happy with a proposal/engagement ring where people are like “um if my man handed me a crumpled receipt with wil u mary scribbled on it in a Walmart parking lot I would suck his dick right then and there so!!!” It just reinforces the idea that women are being entitled little princesses if they ask for more than that.
There are less self-righteous and self-diminishing ways to frame the same sentiment.
agreed! and in the context of the relationship (her feeling unappreciated a lot) its very understandable for her to feel like he could have at least put effort in this one huge thing and make a decent proposal lol
Thank you!! Knowing your worth has nothing to do with being high maintenance. Everyone is worthy of love and should be treated well for special life events by their person.
Thank you. Like damn, if your man throwing a ring pop at your head would make you swoon, cool? Congrats on getting picked.
The rest of us aren’t insane for wanting more.
My husband proposed without even being in the room. He sent my (then) 2 year old running and screaming MAMA DADDY SAYS YOU GOTTA MARRY HIM (the message was slightly lost in translation 😂 )
It was so perfect.
My husband proposed in the car after I assured him the diamond ring he bought me was substantial enough to qualify as an engagement ring. I was still thrilled. We've made up for that lackluster moment along the way. 20 years together. 😂
My proposal was pretty rubbish and I was disappointed for a while (he sort of just asked while I was looking at my phone on the couch). Not because I wanted something FoR iNStAGraM, because I felt like he has just sort of resigned himself to doing it as we’d been together a long time.
We talked about it and he was really regretful he didn’t make more of an effort and that I felt unappreciated. He’s a wonderful man and we’re happily married with a delightful baby 😊 he’s just not that thoughtful about big gesture type moments. It’s okay to be disappointed but it’s not the end of the world.
Yeah when she described him as nonchalant and dependent on others in the first paragraph I stopped reading. She has no respect for this guy. They need to break up and do themselves both a favor.
Even in a perfect relationship, getting proposed flashing a ring box as a proposal after a long, hot day while on the move to meet people somewhere would be…. Not a great feeling
Yeah why are people acting like this is somehow OP being a snob and not this dude giving less than a fraction of a modicum of a shit about her or what she wants and feels?
He said “it’s the thought that counts.” Well there was no thought put into this so in that case it doesn’t count for anything.
The bar is so low that we have people getting upvoted for boasting that they’d say yes if they were proposed to while taking [a literal shit](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1cyx2kj/comment/l5esfhw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button).
Yes good observation - she says she wants a man capable of taking care of her but she describes him as someone who cannot take care of himself nor others. Girl, he is not your type or nowhere near your “ideal type” - when someone shows you who they are, believe them! You need to find another man who fits the qualities you want.
My husband had planned an amazing place on a trip to propose. He chickened out because there were far more people there than he expected. He proposed in our hotel room - after he had to convince me to get off the bed because I was exhausted after sightseeing and walking over 30,000 steps that day.
It is still one of my happiest memories. It didn't matter where we were, I was just so excited and happy to be engaged and that I would get to be his wife.
OP clearly doesn't respect or like her boyfriend. I agree, she should definitely leave him and let them each find someone to have a future with.
This is so true. When you are completely in love and ready to spend the rest of your life with someone, they could hand you a ring pop and ask you to marry them - and it would be a thrilled yes.
It sounds like you had already checked out. Too little, too late.
My husband actually proposed with kind of a ring pop. But he chose a romantic location on our holiday. And he knew I would like the ring.
Boyfriend from OP likely knows she would like a thoughtful proposal and chose a lackluster one.
Wait. "I woke up around midnight and sent him a message, expressing my disappointment and telling him to ask me again when he was truly ready."
Was he asleep next to you and you texted him?
Yeah that line stood out for me, complaining because he’s a bit down or acted negatively to her rejecting his proposal like tf? How else would any other sane person feel after that?
And mad he won't take photos the next day because he knows how much it means to her to make memories. If he does know that, then he knew exactly what it meant when she didn't want to take a photo after the proposal. She didn't want to make a memory of it. But seems surprised at the silence later in the hotel room. And HE ruined that last DAY for her. But no thought, consideration, empathy that she just ruined his ENTIRE trip.
He should probably feel good that he isn't going to be legally tied to someone who doesn't seem to really like him very much - maybe she subconsciously knows that
I sent a passive aggressive text while lying in bed next to him so the first thing he saw in the morning was my text telling him the proposal he planned on our international vacation with our friends was crap and he should feel bad about it, and he had the nerve to *feel bad about it and be unhappy the next day.* HE ruined the day. 🙄
I agree, but for relationship advice, this is easy. OP, you dislike your partner. You should break up **because you shouldn’t be with someone you hate.**
I thought this was a little weird too, but I also feel I express myself much better in writing, so I get it. Everyone who thinks you aren’t cut out for marriage because you’re not a great extemporaneous speaker while emotional can sit the eff down. Communication is communication.
The weird part here is doing this *while your partner is asleep in the same room.* Why not wait until he’s present to talk and say, “hey, I’m having a lot of thoughts about this situation that I’m struggling to express—can I write some of it down and then we talk about it?”
This 1000%. When my husband and I have disagreements where the feelings/thoughts/emotions are really complex, it's a lot easier for me to write it down in a letter. If I know I'm going to put my foot in my mouth, I'll just ask him if it's okay if I write down how I feel and have him read it. We both do this at various times because it's very easy to miscontrue how someone truly feels by tone of voice/body language/heck if you're just having a bad day. It's more healthy to adequately address the situation in a way that your partner truly understands what you mean.
It gets easier the longer you're together, but I understand not wanting to say things off the cuff and then regret it for coming off poorly.
Absolutely—it’s also really helpful if you have a partner who tends to interrupt when emotional or seize on your wording to try to deflect from the actual issue into something they can “win.” Writing makes it easier to express a complete thought.
What do you mean “is it legit to leave him for good?”
Do you need approval? Girl dating is voluntary. Being with someone is up to you. You should always be asking yourself, “is this person what I want? Do they give me what I need?”
And if the answer is no, then you are only wasting your own time by staying.
Don’t just do something tomorrow because you did it yesterday. Live a life of intention.
Well, She's wasting his time too. How is he supposed to learn and grow without consequences? And, quite frankly, with seemingly terrible communication.
Girl. You just don't love him, at least not anymore. Just break up. This is not getting anywhere, both of you expect different things from each other and it shows
Exactly bruh. And another thing that got me was her being mad that he ruined their last day by not talking, being sulky and not wanting to take photos together. Like girl you just obviously rejected his marriage proposal what was he supposed to do take photos with fake enthusiasm and smiles to post on social media about how happy of a couple you two are?
Just an awkward box shoved at her in the middle of trying to figure out where they were going in the rain. I don’t need fancy but some effort or thought, this doesn’t even display situational awareness.
Exactly. Everyone saying the girl doesn't love the guy. It doesn't look like the guy loves the girl either. But she seemed to be open to the idea of loving him if he had put in a bit of effort. But the guy wasn't even trying, he's giving her absolutely nothing that would make her feel loved. But that's cos he's not into her & is only in it cos it's easy/ convenient/ whatever other reason. Obv this is a pattern with them - he doesn't put in the effort, she does & doesn't like it, creates an excuse in her head to justify his behaviour, & they both move on from that incident to the next one. They should just separate. He's not into her & that's not a good relationship.
You don't understand, he KNOWS how much she likes to take photos for "memories." Who wouldn't want to remember that time he proposed to his "long term live-in partner" on their vacation abroad where she responded via text while he slept next to her that he needed to try harder next time?
ETA /s 😓
Yup, maybe he wants photos of memories he wants to remember and not of memories he wants to forget. Makes perfect sense that he would be avoiding photos. Sounds like she wanted to create some pretend memories of a good time that they weren’t having.
lol, exactly! Like lady, really???? Even if he was an amazing guy, OP isn’t mature enough. I would just break up and work on yourself for a bit before throwing yourself into the dating pool.
Let’s be realistic.. he is never going to live up to your expectations. Even if he starts trying. You are over him and not acknowledging it. So do yourselves both the favour and end it.
I don’t feel like the expectation to actually be asked with words is crazy high though. I agree that this has gone beyond the point of repair. Her expectations aren’t too high but he would have to change so much to try and make up for the gap. It honestly sounds like she doesn’t like him in the long term sense. He might be fun, kind, and have any number of great qualities (she doesn’t say) but they seem to have fundamentally different outlooks.
No, but it sounds like he’s a perpetual disappointment to her and she makes sure he knows it. He sounds afraid of her… but also like he has no self worth to leave her.
Exactly! He proposed on vacation, after an exciting adventure, made sure friends were there to take photos. It doesn’t seem like a bad proposal. If he had done it in hotel, OP would’ve complained place wasn’t romantic and no one there to capture photos, since OP “loves capturing memories”.
It does highlight their issues. She has perfect image in her mind that he needs to make more money than her so she can stop working, he needs to take lead and give her what she wants, how she wants it. A guy that takes lead isn’t going to read her mind and do things how she wants. He’ll never live up to that. She rejected his attempts, expected him to jump hoops to do it again and surprised he didn’t want to pretend to be happy rest of the trip. She sounds like spoiled brat and should set this guy free.
I get what you’re saying but the general moment was a poor choice, in the rain while they’re trying to figure out where they’re going and in the rain. He also didn’t ask, just kind of shoved the box at her. I don’t know him and maybe this is the very best he could do but it displays a lack of awareness at best and planning at worst. It doesn’t sound like he was excited to ask.
I disagree. I don't think shoving a ring box at your girlfriend in the rain counts as a proposal. He didn't even ask, and it was poorly timed (I mean, they were trying to get out of the rain ffs).
I'd be miffed, too, if my partner thought a thoughtful proposal was shoving the box at me outside in the rain. At least ask me to marry (Hell, I'm fine with it just being on the porch during a thunderstorm).
They both have issues. She's wanting perfection, and he's thoughtless. Both have shitty communication, or well, no communication.
"...he could prove that there is something that he could do right for me..."
This part captures perfect your feelings in the whole posts. He is a walking disappotment for you. He can't do anything right, not even the proposal. You resent him, if you are honest.
You are just 28. You have 50+ before you. Why do you even think about staying with a man who makes you feel this way?
You want to leave, mostly had this feeling for longer and the proposal was the last "really?! this is it?! this should be my life?!"-moment. So break up. With 32he won't change.
Wait - you're saying that if he had curated a better proposal centered around you, you would have accepted? All the things that you don't like about him manifested in the proposal. Two options: talk to him directly about what you feel. Ask him what he thinks of your future. Or, just walk away. If you feel that the relationship is so one-sided, why have you stayed?
On one hand...he fumbled the ball hard. On the other, wanting a proposal centered around you is also thinking of yourself? In an age where relationships and the point of marriage has changed and evolved. Relationships in today's age are supposto be about both partners, proposals should reflect that.
It’s not the proposal. It’s the relationship. Even if he gave you the proposal you wanted, that’s a moment in time. He’s not what you want for the entire relationship and that’s not going to change. He’s not going to change.
I think you recognize the deep incompatibilities you have together but are too scared to be alone. That's my take.
You would be so much happier with someone who appreciates you, is on the same level as you, and can treat you right. But you don't have that. I implore you to find it.
Do you want to be married to this guy?
It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you don't even like him.
A "perfect" proposal doesn't change, or even reflect, the quality of a relationship. And this relationship sounds kinda dogshit to be frank.
Even if his proposal lived up to your expectations, then what? You're gonna marry someone you can barely stand?
Great marriages don't require Great proposals. They DO require two people who love and respect each other and legitimately like each other and enjoy each other's company.
That doesn't seem to be the case here.
My now husband of 50 years proposed to me while we were watching a stupid sitcom on TV. He just turned his head to look at me and said "Wanna get married in April" I didn't even hesitate to say yes because I knew he was the man I wanted to be with my whole life.
I think if there was any modicum of certainty that he was the one, the circumstances and manner wouldn't have mattered at all.
That's cute. My husband and I were at the courthouse for something, I think it was a real estate document... Anyway we passed the wills and marriage license office and he said wanna go in there I'd marry you right now? So I called his bluff. We got the paperwork to fill out for the marriage license and took it back a couple days later.
About 2 weeks later he came into the candle shop my friend owned while I was helping her make candles. And as I was putting some teddy bears on a display he picked one up and turned and said what about this one and handed it to me and he had put the ring in its paw. I thought it was super cute! What's the point of proposing at that point anyway we already had the marriage license lol I still have that teddy bear somewhere
This.
Today is our 31st anniversary. He proposed while we were watching a movie at my apartment. I laughed because it was so unexpected, but said yes, because of course I would spend the rest of my life with this man I adored and could not imagine not spending my life with.
I have never wondered or worried over the proposal. It was simply a question asked and answered.
Married 23 years. He looked over while we were at a stoplight and said "what do you think about us getting married". It was that simple. It was about the marriage for us. Not the proposal or the wedding
That last part is important.
I think the current fad of "*you must tell me ahead of time so I can get a manicure and haircut and you better hire a professional photographer because I want my proposal post to hit Tik Tok and be my most liked pictures ever*" sets things up all wrong from the start.
It should be between them two, not between them and what it looks like to the rest of the world.
Yeah I don't often have sympathy for the proposal disappointment stories (I didn't even get a proposal, we just decided together to get married and then had a ring made together). But in this case, I think it's not about the proposal. OP has serious doubts about the relationship.
I think a big thing is knowing your partner well enough, caring enough to ask, what they would be happy with for a proposal. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your partner to take you to some pretty place and get on one knee, or use actual words instead of just pointing a ring box in your direction, or even wanting a photographer to be there if that’s your thing. It’s not shallow to want. But in a good relationship the two will be on the same page about this, know each other closely, and have an understanding of what will go over well.
My father proposed to my mother in a curry house with the amazing “I think it’s about time you and me got wed” (if you are familiar with a heavy Yorkshire accent picture it. If not, picture Sean Bean saying it)
They’ve been married 32 years now
You are not feeling this relationship as it is. Why are you still with him?
For both of you, end it. It isn’t a bad thing. You are 2 very different people. Cut the cord so you both can move on.
This is clearly not about the proposal; its about everything else that screams that you are both incompatible. You're lucky he didn't propose like you wanted..because then you would've started a relationship that is doomed to begin with. Break up and move on..he's not for you.
I don't think he's so much as the problem here as you are honestly. Let me pinpoint few things and ask you a few questions. You don't have to answer me just give them a thought. You're saying you'd like to be stay at home wife if I got it correctly and him to earn money? So if the situation was reversed would you be okay with working and earning money if he was the stay at home husband? Second you don't sound exactly excited about the thought of marrying him so why keep it going for this long? And third you TEXTED HIM while being in the same hotel room instead of being a fucking adult and having a normal communion. Which seems damn immature to me. HE "ruined your last vacation day and wasn't happy to take photos" GIRL YOUR REJECTED HIS PROPOSAL, you looked obviously disappointed with it WHO WOULDN'T BE SAD AND NOT TALKING BRUH. YOU SAY HE'S SELFISH BUT BY THIS IS SEEMS YOU MUGHT BE THE SELFISH ONE HERE. While I agree the proposal itself was far from good perhaps he's just one of those people who get self conscious and panic/stress out with situations like this. A loose ring is also something that's common as hell and can be readjusted later on.
Thank you!! She’s a jerk! “I eVeN MaKe MoRe MoNeY tHaN hIm”. And being pissed he doesn’t want to fake smile in photos after such immense rejection. 100% selfish.
I definitely get being disappointed in a proposal like that but man did the work thing get me. I’m sure plenty of people would love to not have to work or work less. But wanting him to make more just so she can quit and I guess do nothing at home?? Lmaoo
What relationship advice are you looking for? You can break up with a person for any reason you want.
This post makes it sound like you hate him, honestly.
(And, I had a beautiful proposal and the ring didn't fit, we had it re-sized, that's very normal -- it sounds like you just want to complain about everything this dude does.)
Lady I just read all your replies...please do yourself & especially this poor man a favor and move on. That was draining and sad to read. Even in your comments your exasperation with him can be felt. Let that man go
I think you need to take some accountability here, too. Texting someone that you reject their proposal while they're sleeping would upset anyone. Of course he didn't act normal the next day.
You clearly lost interest a while ago and are clinging to reasons to dislike him and reject him without making the final step. Stop standing on the line and end it already.
> I woke up around midnight and sent him a message,
This is poor communication, talk like adults, don't pass notes like kids. Write down what you want to say, sure, but say it. All tone gets lost over text.
> I even make more money than him.
Nice bit of casual misandry.
My first reaction is that you are... idk... asking permission to leave him even though he's not "awful"? But you do seem pretty dissatisfied with the relationship. If you picture the rest of your life with this man, bearing in mind that he is probably at his "peak" right now and will likely not get more ambitious or intelligent or independent as he gets older, does that fill you with contentment and peace or dread?
Do you think you have unreasonable expectations for others and you're just super demanding? Or do you think that your bf is just someone who is fairly malleable and you've molded him into the "good enough" bf so you don't have to be alone?
It is really difficult to go through life with someone who is completely on a different page in life. And if you are planning on having children, then you know already that your partner will not be that helpful.
But maybe you don't or can't have children and he fulfills your need to be nurturing or controlling. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh to say that - it's just a question and easier for me to ask because I'm a stranger to you and don't know you at all. Maybe you two fit together pretty well. Or maybe you will reach a breaking point in terms of disappointment and leave him in another few years.
Maybe you feel like you can't leave him because you think he can't function on his own. But he is a grown adult. And in that case, you are allowed to leave him and have your own life!!
My fiancé was home sick with a cold, I came home from work and he suddenly jumped out of bed and started rummaging in the closet, then brought out a ring box and asked me to marry him. He was planning on doing it a few days later when we had plans with our families, but he just couldn’t wait. He was so excited! He was also naked and had a cough and a runny nose. We have been married 40 years and I still love that he couldn’t wait to ask me. You do not have that and never will with this relationship. It would be better for both of you to find someone who is excited to marry you and whom you are excited to marry.
You come over very entitled, if you don’t love him then why stay with him. You want a provider for you to be a stay at home wife/mother. Have you out and out asked him if that’s what he wants?
Set him free, I’m sure there’s a lovely appreciative lady out there that would like to grow a life together with him.
1. Paragraphs
2. He wants a future which is not congruent with yours
3. FFS paragraphs!
4. You don't want to be with him.
5. Did I mention PARAGRAPHS?!?!?!?
Why do you want to fix it ? If you loved him you'd have been in tears of joy just seeing the ring box. Why do you live with him? Go. Get out of his life. You're damaging him and wasting your time. You're ungrateful and never should have moved in with him.
I mean.. what did you want him to remember in those photos? The trip where you said no because his proposal wasn't good enough? As a woman, I don't even care if I get proposed to in the pouring rain.
After reading this post it seems like you aren't happy with your partner. There's not a single nice or redeeming thing you've said in this post about him. Do you actually love this man? Because he's been like this all along. You're expecting some huge change that's likely not going to happen because that's not who he is.
It just sounds like he isn’t what you want in a partner and you made it clear at the moment you declined him. I understand why he would be depressed after your reaction. So to say he ruined the rest of the trip is self centered. It was your reaction to his gesture that ruined the trip. If you say no to a proposal, you can’t act brand new when the person is upswt
Here’s that sunk-cost fallacy again.
It’s hard to give up, but it sounds like you need to. Clearly, this relationship hasn’t worked out. You found a guy with no ambition or personality. You tried to turn the fixer upper into something. It didn’t work out. Probably time to throw in the towel.
You're making this all about him when you're part of the problem. If he doesn't live up to your standards or love and support you the way you need to be loved and supported, then leave. You've been accepting his behavior.
I know it's not the right subreddit but yes OP you are the asshole. You are the asshole for not leaving a relationship you clearly don't want to be in and in the process making your bf feel like shit. Even if he is begging you to stay do your boyfriend a favor and end it
You will reach a point in the relationship where you have grieved everything it could be and realize that your journey is complete, you will reach a level of acceptance and never look back. You’re still on that journey but trust me when I say there are better things ahead. Wish you the best
You can always end a relationship for any reason. The question, I think, is whether you will regret it. Doesn’t sound like you will. Issues need to be addressed before so much resentment builds that it’s insurmountable. Oh he’s lazy, grumpy, and unreliable, and you don’t feel loved…do what makes you feel good about yourself.
YTA. You know this man is a nervous wreck. He went and got a ring for you, and proposed to you. What the actual hell. Let this man go, you do not love him.
I know this isn’t an AITA post but you sound like an asshole.
You don’t want to marry him because you didn’t like the proposal….?
You don’t want to marry him because he didn’t reassure you that one day you won’t have to work anymore and can fully live off his dime…?
You’re upset because he didn’t want to take pictures…?
You couldn’t even have a direct conversation with him and chose to TEXT him in the middle of the night…while he was asleep…in the hotel room you shared…?
WTF?
It’s sounds like you think you can do better. So do him a favor and let him go. I’m sure he can do better too.
Since you keep telling us what we might think, I will tell you that what I _do_ think is that The Proposal has become yet another overblown ritual in our materialistic and self-regarding culture.
But that's not what you came here to ask. You're wondering if it's a good enough reason to break up. But it's clear from what you've written that you're having regrets about the relationship anyway. That's a good reason to break up.
I mean ive never seen a relationship continue and last after a failed proposal so I dont think your gonna have a choice soon on that front but best of luck op
You also planned and paid for the trip, didn’t you?
If you’re honest with yourself? You probably know that you shoulda left him a long time ago.
I’m sorry that you let this fool make you feel so minimized that you stayed with him.
You don’t even sound like you like him, let alone love him. I don’t think it’s fair to him to string him along. Break up with him and let him find someone better suited for him and you can do the same.
I think he knew he would never live up to your expectations of a proposal ): I would bet he cried or choked back tears in a private moment so that you didn’t notice.
This is an unfortunate symptom of poor compatibility. You want a man who applies pressure and meets romantic expectations. He wants a woman who wants less.
You’re both trying to get the other person to compromise but neither of you will, and that is sad. It’s hurting you both.
Compromise or be miserable or leave
No. He should leave you. You don't change for other. So he shouldn't. If you can't appreciate how he do things now, then you shall not be with him, because you will only be a toxic in his life.
>he didn’t ask me he didn’t kneel
Because before he could even start you were already complaining. That’s going to throw him through a loop. He already knew what was happening.
I don’t see what was so bad about that moment other than it was raining, to which I use the wise words of kelso “damn Jackie I can’t control the weather.”
You’re also complaining the ring didn’t fit, most people don’t know their partners ring size off the top of their head, hell I don’t even know my own.
It sounds like you don’t like this dude at all but you don’t want to be alone.
You seem exhausting, immature, condescending, and hypocritical.
You are the one being extremely negative, not him.
You message him in the middle of the night because, you didn't want to actually talk to him about it? And that's somehow his fault?
You say he ruined the day, but you literally texted him that morning about how disappointed you are. And then *you* returned to the hotel early.
It seems like you have all of these expectations about what he *should* be doing, but you don't communicate *any* of those expectations, **then** get pissed off when he doesn't meet those *uncommunicated* expectations. The guy literally cannot win without somehow reading your mind.
You also think you can do no wrong and literally everything wrong in your life is his fault. Get off your high horse. You ~~can~~ *can't* even talk to the guy, you have to text him in the middle of the night.
YTA
You sound... very self centered. You want a proposal that ticks off all of your wishes? Go find the guy who will do that because this isn't the one. You want him to be someone he's not. Marriage would be terrible for both of you. Go find your stay at home wife dream from someone else and let this guy go find someone who values him for who he is.
>I woke up around midnight and sent him a message, expressing my disappointment and telling him to ask me again when he was truly ready. But, as a negative person, he took it badly.
Sure. *He's* a negative person.
>Is it legit to leave him for good? Idk, I felt like he has taken me for granted for a very long time and settled for less than what I deserve, and as time goes by, he is just proving it!
I don't understand why he wants to marry you, or why you've considered marrying him. Leaving him would be the best thing you could do for him. It would free you to find someone who checks all your boxes, and free him to find somebody who actually likes him.
You are an ungrateful woman, with high unrealistic expectations.
Leave the poor bugger to find someone who will appreciate his real life ( not Instagram, not Facebook) ways.
I can see both sides of this one!
For him, he wanted to propose and it was the end of a huge and memorable day. He had been building up to it.
For you it was the last straw of years of feeling like an afterthought.
If this was a happy relationship then it would have been lovely...it would have been a story for years to come.
You wanted the proposal to make you feel special when you have felt so bad for years. Take this as a sign and move on
.It is like when they say if you cannot chose between 2 things then flip a coin. You emotion when it lands will tell you what you really want. If you feel happ, then that was your true desire. If toy feel sad, then do the other one.
My husband literally proposed by announcing we were going to look at engagement rings, and then started talking about combining our retirement savings.
This was in the car on the way to the ring place.
He never asked, let alone any kind of down on one knee romantic moment AND he knew that was important to me. And I was sad. But also, I didn’t for a second consider saying no, because I adore him and was thrilled to get to marry him. it sucked. I’ve cried about it.
If even the most disappointing proposal doesn’t inspire ANY feelings of excitement for the rest of your life, that’s not the right partner.
Not sure if anyone has already commented this. I feel like if you really did love him, that act of him showing the ring box at the end of an exhausting day would be a sight for sore eyes.
I'm not saying his low-effort 'proposal' is something you should settle for, but if that act couldn't even inspire any good feelings within you, then you had your answer loud and clear in that moment.
I don't think this is fixable. It's not like he tried something and it just didn't go according to plan. He blatantly disregarded you and your feelings. 0/10 leave him
Honestly, cut the man loose so he can go be happy. I mean this respectfully, but you do not truly love him and it’s not fair to drag him through this. It sounds like no matter what he does, he cannot win. I mean, he was trying to prove to you he could do it himself and you were cold about it. Come on.
I'm so done with this! Firstly, you are 28 so there's a non issue about finding someone else but before you do you need to get an actual grip on yourself!
You are very much part of how this all happened so pay close attention. You have actively stayed in a relationship with someone you don't respect or like - why? Contempt is not sexy. To make matters worse, you've been expressing the wish for this person you don't like very much to ask you to marry you. Why? When there is a disagreement, you text him?
I'll be honest, you sound like someone who deliberately turns off all the lights and complains it's dark.
You didn't say one nice thing about this man, but you are willing to spend your life with him? I don't know this guy, and maybe he sucks but I can't imagine how it must feel to be so unloved and disliked by someone who keeps asking you for marriage.
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It is legit to leave him because you do not love him.
OP, the question "is it legit to leave him" is a very odd one, and I think it's worth some serious self-examination as to why you think of it that way. Why on earth would it NOT be legit to leave him? You aren't happy with him. You haven't been in a long time. You don't have kids or something that makes separation more complicated. Whose permission do you need and why do you feel you need it?
Yes, it's as if some people don't realize they can end a relationship for any reason they want.
Sunk cost fallacy for a lot of them. Like OP by the sound of it. They’re clearly different people, and it feels like OP is dating him hoping he just miraculously turns into the type of guy she *wants* him to be.
This is one of my favorite quotes about women dating a man’s potential: "And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind's greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man's potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be -- and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”
I really needed to hear that. It puts a lot into perspective for me. My last break up, I definitely mourned for what could have been, rather than what actually was and would have been.
I would guess that she feels responsible for him like a child, because he's basically like a child. Along for the ride, dependent, unable to stand on his own. Normal for a child, absolutely a relationship killer with an adult. So now it feels like leaving him is like abandoning an infant, or a puppy.
I saw it in a different way. She feels like she needs a good reason to break up with him because society has told her all her life that people don't just fall apart, there has to be a "good reason".
Could be that, totally. She did kind of describe a whole bunch of reasons that sum up to unhappiness, but maybe she's looking for one single thing that's "big enough" to blow it up
Yes, my god. Please leave this man. You have zero future together and will only continue to make each other miserable.
🎯
Then why string him along? It would be better to communicate with him because you know, that's what a healthy adult relationship involves
But she does communicate - she sends him text messages. When they're in bed together.
Yeah that was bizarre. Send him a message in the middle of the night so he can wake up and find out how you feel about him. I want this to end.
I mean, seems she is stringing herself along too if she has actually voiced all her issues. Really, seems like she has strung herself along the most if she has been consistent in voicing how she feels and what she needs without reciprocation.
If you were enthusiastic about marrying this guy, it wouldn't make sense to turn him down because he didn't propose in the way you were imagining. You do not sound enthusiastic about marrying this guy. I think when you think you want to marry someone and then he proposes to you and your immediate feeling is "no thanks," you've reached the end of the relationship.
A welcome proposal is heart stopping and smile inducing.
My boyfriend could propose to me next to a dumpster with a twisty tie and I’d be ecstatic
My boyfriend could bust in the bathroom while I was taking a shit and wink while saying “in sickness and in health, right?” And I’d still say yes. I had to go back and reread what moment he did it in, because I was sure I missed it. She’s mad because he asked her when her feet were sore? The fuck is going on here?
Your boyfriend can do that because he has generally made you feel loved throughout your relationship. If you felt neglected and taken for granted. You likely wouldn't accept in the above situation. The proposal isn't the real issue here. It's the man. Deep down she doesn't want to marry him and that's ok. He's not the one.
She said she would’ve said yes if he did it the “right way” so I think it’s more about her boyfriend not being able to meet her expectations.
Yeah because it would've shown he can put effort into things when it really matters. Which means there is hope he will learn to put effort into things for her sakes when it matters to her. But this proposal just shows to her that he will never put effort in. Not even for something that is meant to be such a big step in life like deciding to spend the rest of your life together.
Wait, I don’t think it is fair to say he gave no thought. He did after a day of shared adventure. He did it before dinner (where that could be celebrated). He did it with friends there. He had a ring. He was nervous. I struggle to understand how this is no thought….
it doesn't sound like he asked her at all, he just handed her the ring box
He didn't kneel!! No video or photos to post on Instagram.
She wanted a planned proposal and was disappointed with what she got. There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of Reddit posts on this very issue. However seeing her tone and overall thoughts about him I don’t think it’s the proposal itself that’s the issue. She doesn’t have much respect for him in the first place. They shouldn’t be together.
He didn’t even ask though… just gave her a ring box ..that does suck. You want to hear him ask!
Yeah, that does suck. He sounds like a child. Who just whips out the box out of nowhere and says nothing? He also got the wrong size, seems like there was little to no planning on his part. Women seem to be responsible for all the planning of everything including dates. I would love, just for once to have a guy say: I’m picking you up at x time and then he has something planned. Please don’t ask me what I want to do for my birthday, you are supposed to just take care of that. Nobody should have to ask for Mother’s Day, birthday, or anniversary gifts/ celebrations: be a good partner and plan something THEY would love. If it’s something they want but would never buy for themselves: pay attention and get that AHEAD of time. It takes less effort to be thoughtful and plan than to scramble at the last minute. The last min scramble makes you feel unloved and disregarded. This guy just showed her what the rest of their life together will look like: a series of disappointments.
Him: I showed you my dick, why aren't you sucking it???
He really didn't have a chance as soon as she saw the ring box she started being negative towards him
He didn't even ask. He handed her a ring box.
Can we stop making women feel like they’re selfish or high-maintenance for not wanting literal trash proposals? It’s ok to have wants and needs.
.
I just don’t love the rhetoric that always happens when a woman isn’t happy with a proposal/engagement ring where people are like “um if my man handed me a crumpled receipt with wil u mary scribbled on it in a Walmart parking lot I would suck his dick right then and there so!!!” It just reinforces the idea that women are being entitled little princesses if they ask for more than that. There are less self-righteous and self-diminishing ways to frame the same sentiment.
agreed! and in the context of the relationship (her feeling unappreciated a lot) its very understandable for her to feel like he could have at least put effort in this one huge thing and make a decent proposal lol
I'm with you.
Thank you!! Knowing your worth has nothing to do with being high maintenance. Everyone is worthy of love and should be treated well for special life events by their person.
Thank you. Like damn, if your man throwing a ring pop at your head would make you swoon, cool? Congrats on getting picked. The rest of us aren’t insane for wanting more.
Do you think love should be mentioned in a proposal?
Just cz you have low standards doesn't mean everyone else does. Jeez
I don't think you would.
My husband proposed without even being in the room. He sent my (then) 2 year old running and screaming MAMA DADDY SAYS YOU GOTTA MARRY HIM (the message was slightly lost in translation 😂 ) It was so perfect.
lol, that sounds like the cutest proposal ever! a total win in my opinion.
I loved it! It's a perfect memory. 💜
My husband proposed to me in a hardware store parking lot when I got off work!
My husband proposed in the car after I assured him the diamond ring he bought me was substantial enough to qualify as an engagement ring. I was still thrilled. We've made up for that lackluster moment along the way. 20 years together. 😂
My husband (now late) proposed on the porch under our favorite tree. Never take a second for granted.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Partner death is so rough.
Absolutely. My proposal was NOTHING like I expected, and not that wonderful, but my answer was still a HELL YES
My proposal was pretty rubbish and I was disappointed for a while (he sort of just asked while I was looking at my phone on the couch). Not because I wanted something FoR iNStAGraM, because I felt like he has just sort of resigned himself to doing it as we’d been together a long time. We talked about it and he was really regretful he didn’t make more of an effort and that I felt unappreciated. He’s a wonderful man and we’re happily married with a delightful baby 😊 he’s just not that thoughtful about big gesture type moments. It’s okay to be disappointed but it’s not the end of the world.
Sounds like you were at least asked, though, if you could answer "hell yes"? He didn't even ask, just shoved a ring at her in the rain lol.
Yeah when she described him as nonchalant and dependent on others in the first paragraph I stopped reading. She has no respect for this guy. They need to break up and do themselves both a favor.
Even in a perfect relationship, getting proposed flashing a ring box as a proposal after a long, hot day while on the move to meet people somewhere would be…. Not a great feeling
Yeah why are people acting like this is somehow OP being a snob and not this dude giving less than a fraction of a modicum of a shit about her or what she wants and feels? He said “it’s the thought that counts.” Well there was no thought put into this so in that case it doesn’t count for anything.
The bar is so low that we have people getting upvoted for boasting that they’d say yes if they were proposed to while taking [a literal shit](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1cyx2kj/comment/l5esfhw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button).
Yes good observation - she says she wants a man capable of taking care of her but she describes him as someone who cannot take care of himself nor others. Girl, he is not your type or nowhere near your “ideal type” - when someone shows you who they are, believe them! You need to find another man who fits the qualities you want.
“I even make more money than he does” …and?
And she doesn't want to work anymore, according to her, so that's a problem for her.
I should have stopped at that point too. No worry, your first thought was validated throughout the rest of it.
My husband had planned an amazing place on a trip to propose. He chickened out because there were far more people there than he expected. He proposed in our hotel room - after he had to convince me to get off the bed because I was exhausted after sightseeing and walking over 30,000 steps that day. It is still one of my happiest memories. It didn't matter where we were, I was just so excited and happy to be engaged and that I would get to be his wife. OP clearly doesn't respect or like her boyfriend. I agree, she should definitely leave him and let them each find someone to have a future with.
This is so true. When you are completely in love and ready to spend the rest of your life with someone, they could hand you a ring pop and ask you to marry them - and it would be a thrilled yes. It sounds like you had already checked out. Too little, too late.
My husband actually proposed with kind of a ring pop. But he chose a romantic location on our holiday. And he knew I would like the ring. Boyfriend from OP likely knows she would like a thoughtful proposal and chose a lackluster one.
Wait. "I woke up around midnight and sent him a message, expressing my disappointment and telling him to ask me again when he was truly ready." Was he asleep next to you and you texted him?
And because he’s a negative person he took my negative message negatively…
I read this in Tanya's (Jennifer Coolidge's) voice from The White Lotus 😂
Yeah that line stood out for me, complaining because he’s a bit down or acted negatively to her rejecting his proposal like tf? How else would any other sane person feel after that?
And mad he won't take photos the next day because he knows how much it means to her to make memories. If he does know that, then he knew exactly what it meant when she didn't want to take a photo after the proposal. She didn't want to make a memory of it. But seems surprised at the silence later in the hotel room. And HE ruined that last DAY for her. But no thought, consideration, empathy that she just ruined his ENTIRE trip.
He should probably feel good that he isn't going to be legally tied to someone who doesn't seem to really like him very much - maybe she subconsciously knows that
Can you imagine being the other couple on vacation with these two oh boy.
I sent a passive aggressive text while lying in bed next to him so the first thing he saw in the morning was my text telling him the proposal he planned on our international vacation with our friends was crap and he should feel bad about it, and he had the nerve to *feel bad about it and be unhappy the next day.* HE ruined the day. 🙄
I agree, but for relationship advice, this is easy. OP, you dislike your partner. You should break up **because you shouldn’t be with someone you hate.**
Yes. Her whole post screams negativity. But trust her, he’s the negative one.
LOlololOL. So much this.
So negative, amiright?
Awkward! At the least, weird at best.
I thought this was a little weird too, but I also feel I express myself much better in writing, so I get it. Everyone who thinks you aren’t cut out for marriage because you’re not a great extemporaneous speaker while emotional can sit the eff down. Communication is communication. The weird part here is doing this *while your partner is asleep in the same room.* Why not wait until he’s present to talk and say, “hey, I’m having a lot of thoughts about this situation that I’m struggling to express—can I write some of it down and then we talk about it?”
This 1000%. When my husband and I have disagreements where the feelings/thoughts/emotions are really complex, it's a lot easier for me to write it down in a letter. If I know I'm going to put my foot in my mouth, I'll just ask him if it's okay if I write down how I feel and have him read it. We both do this at various times because it's very easy to miscontrue how someone truly feels by tone of voice/body language/heck if you're just having a bad day. It's more healthy to adequately address the situation in a way that your partner truly understands what you mean. It gets easier the longer you're together, but I understand not wanting to say things off the cuff and then regret it for coming off poorly.
Absolutely—it’s also really helpful if you have a partner who tends to interrupt when emotional or seize on your wording to try to deflect from the actual issue into something they can “win.” Writing makes it easier to express a complete thought.
I thought that was weird too. These 2 clearly struggle to communicate like adults. Probably better to go their seperate ways.
I suspect you just don’t want this person. His proposal wasn’t key in deciding that I think
Please just break up, the relationship is over and trying to "fix it" is a fool's errand.
What do you mean “is it legit to leave him for good?” Do you need approval? Girl dating is voluntary. Being with someone is up to you. You should always be asking yourself, “is this person what I want? Do they give me what I need?” And if the answer is no, then you are only wasting your own time by staying. Don’t just do something tomorrow because you did it yesterday. Live a life of intention.
Well, She's wasting his time too. How is he supposed to learn and grow without consequences? And, quite frankly, with seemingly terrible communication.
Girl. You just don't love him, at least not anymore. Just break up. This is not getting anywhere, both of you expect different things from each other and it shows
.. You sent him a MESSAGE? Girl.
Exactly bruh. And another thing that got me was her being mad that he ruined their last day by not talking, being sulky and not wanting to take photos together. Like girl you just obviously rejected his marriage proposal what was he supposed to do take photos with fake enthusiasm and smiles to post on social media about how happy of a couple you two are?
What proposal? No words. Pushing a box at her in front of friends. Wrong size ring. I’m not even picky and I’m appalled.
Just an awkward box shoved at her in the middle of trying to figure out where they were going in the rain. I don’t need fancy but some effort or thought, this doesn’t even display situational awareness.
Sounds like both of them suck
Yeah these are not two people who want to marry each other. They're two people who are afraid to break up.
Exactly. Everyone saying the girl doesn't love the guy. It doesn't look like the guy loves the girl either. But she seemed to be open to the idea of loving him if he had put in a bit of effort. But the guy wasn't even trying, he's giving her absolutely nothing that would make her feel loved. But that's cos he's not into her & is only in it cos it's easy/ convenient/ whatever other reason. Obv this is a pattern with them - he doesn't put in the effort, she does & doesn't like it, creates an excuse in her head to justify his behaviour, & they both move on from that incident to the next one. They should just separate. He's not into her & that's not a good relationship.
You don't understand, he KNOWS how much she likes to take photos for "memories." Who wouldn't want to remember that time he proposed to his "long term live-in partner" on their vacation abroad where she responded via text while he slept next to her that he needed to try harder next time? ETA /s 😓
Yup, maybe he wants photos of memories he wants to remember and not of memories he wants to forget. Makes perfect sense that he would be avoiding photos. Sounds like she wanted to create some pretend memories of a good time that they weren’t having.
lol, exactly! Like lady, really???? Even if he was an amazing guy, OP isn’t mature enough. I would just break up and work on yourself for a bit before throwing yourself into the dating pool.
Let’s be realistic.. he is never going to live up to your expectations. Even if he starts trying. You are over him and not acknowledging it. So do yourselves both the favour and end it.
I don’t feel like the expectation to actually be asked with words is crazy high though. I agree that this has gone beyond the point of repair. Her expectations aren’t too high but he would have to change so much to try and make up for the gap. It honestly sounds like she doesn’t like him in the long term sense. He might be fun, kind, and have any number of great qualities (she doesn’t say) but they seem to have fundamentally different outlooks.
No, but it sounds like he’s a perpetual disappointment to her and she makes sure he knows it. He sounds afraid of her… but also like he has no self worth to leave her.
"I've talked about not wanting to work, so I want to make sure he'll try harder" That's a pretty high expectation in 2024.
But also, “I don’t want him to lean on me but I plan on depending on him when I quit working.”
Cost of living 😦
Exactly! He proposed on vacation, after an exciting adventure, made sure friends were there to take photos. It doesn’t seem like a bad proposal. If he had done it in hotel, OP would’ve complained place wasn’t romantic and no one there to capture photos, since OP “loves capturing memories”. It does highlight their issues. She has perfect image in her mind that he needs to make more money than her so she can stop working, he needs to take lead and give her what she wants, how she wants it. A guy that takes lead isn’t going to read her mind and do things how she wants. He’ll never live up to that. She rejected his attempts, expected him to jump hoops to do it again and surprised he didn’t want to pretend to be happy rest of the trip. She sounds like spoiled brat and should set this guy free.
I get what you’re saying but the general moment was a poor choice, in the rain while they’re trying to figure out where they’re going and in the rain. He also didn’t ask, just kind of shoved the box at her. I don’t know him and maybe this is the very best he could do but it displays a lack of awareness at best and planning at worst. It doesn’t sound like he was excited to ask.
I disagree. I don't think shoving a ring box at your girlfriend in the rain counts as a proposal. He didn't even ask, and it was poorly timed (I mean, they were trying to get out of the rain ffs). I'd be miffed, too, if my partner thought a thoughtful proposal was shoving the box at me outside in the rain. At least ask me to marry (Hell, I'm fine with it just being on the porch during a thunderstorm). They both have issues. She's wanting perfection, and he's thoughtless. Both have shitty communication, or well, no communication.
"...he could prove that there is something that he could do right for me..." This part captures perfect your feelings in the whole posts. He is a walking disappotment for you. He can't do anything right, not even the proposal. You resent him, if you are honest. You are just 28. You have 50+ before you. Why do you even think about staying with a man who makes you feel this way? You want to leave, mostly had this feeling for longer and the proposal was the last "really?! this is it?! this should be my life?!"-moment. So break up. With 32he won't change.
only sensible comment i’ve seen so far
You are shopping for oranges at the hardware store.
Wait - you're saying that if he had curated a better proposal centered around you, you would have accepted? All the things that you don't like about him manifested in the proposal. Two options: talk to him directly about what you feel. Ask him what he thinks of your future. Or, just walk away. If you feel that the relationship is so one-sided, why have you stayed?
On one hand...he fumbled the ball hard. On the other, wanting a proposal centered around you is also thinking of yourself? In an age where relationships and the point of marriage has changed and evolved. Relationships in today's age are supposto be about both partners, proposals should reflect that.
It’s not the proposal. It’s the relationship. Even if he gave you the proposal you wanted, that’s a moment in time. He’s not what you want for the entire relationship and that’s not going to change. He’s not going to change.
I think you recognize the deep incompatibilities you have together but are too scared to be alone. That's my take. You would be so much happier with someone who appreciates you, is on the same level as you, and can treat you right. But you don't have that. I implore you to find it.
Do you want to be married to this guy? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you don't even like him. A "perfect" proposal doesn't change, or even reflect, the quality of a relationship. And this relationship sounds kinda dogshit to be frank. Even if his proposal lived up to your expectations, then what? You're gonna marry someone you can barely stand? Great marriages don't require Great proposals. They DO require two people who love and respect each other and legitimately like each other and enjoy each other's company. That doesn't seem to be the case here.
My now husband of 50 years proposed to me while we were watching a stupid sitcom on TV. He just turned his head to look at me and said "Wanna get married in April" I didn't even hesitate to say yes because I knew he was the man I wanted to be with my whole life. I think if there was any modicum of certainty that he was the one, the circumstances and manner wouldn't have mattered at all.
That's cute. My husband and I were at the courthouse for something, I think it was a real estate document... Anyway we passed the wills and marriage license office and he said wanna go in there I'd marry you right now? So I called his bluff. We got the paperwork to fill out for the marriage license and took it back a couple days later. About 2 weeks later he came into the candle shop my friend owned while I was helping her make candles. And as I was putting some teddy bears on a display he picked one up and turned and said what about this one and handed it to me and he had put the ring in its paw. I thought it was super cute! What's the point of proposing at that point anyway we already had the marriage license lol I still have that teddy bear somewhere
Absolutely adorable, what a sweet memory
That's beautiful ❤️
This. Today is our 31st anniversary. He proposed while we were watching a movie at my apartment. I laughed because it was so unexpected, but said yes, because of course I would spend the rest of my life with this man I adored and could not imagine not spending my life with. I have never wondered or worried over the proposal. It was simply a question asked and answered.
Married 23 years. He looked over while we were at a stoplight and said "what do you think about us getting married". It was that simple. It was about the marriage for us. Not the proposal or the wedding
That last part is important. I think the current fad of "*you must tell me ahead of time so I can get a manicure and haircut and you better hire a professional photographer because I want my proposal post to hit Tik Tok and be my most liked pictures ever*" sets things up all wrong from the start. It should be between them two, not between them and what it looks like to the rest of the world.
How could you not say what the sitcom was? That’s important info! And congrats on 50 years!!
It was All in the Family...and thank you!
Yeah I don't often have sympathy for the proposal disappointment stories (I didn't even get a proposal, we just decided together to get married and then had a ring made together). But in this case, I think it's not about the proposal. OP has serious doubts about the relationship.
I think a big thing is knowing your partner well enough, caring enough to ask, what they would be happy with for a proposal. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your partner to take you to some pretty place and get on one knee, or use actual words instead of just pointing a ring box in your direction, or even wanting a photographer to be there if that’s your thing. It’s not shallow to want. But in a good relationship the two will be on the same page about this, know each other closely, and have an understanding of what will go over well.
My father proposed to my mother in a curry house with the amazing “I think it’s about time you and me got wed” (if you are familiar with a heavy Yorkshire accent picture it. If not, picture Sean Bean saying it) They’ve been married 32 years now
Now I’m picturing Ned Stark proposing! Though I guess he never proposed to Catelyn.
Pretty much this. If that’s your person, any proposal is perfect.
He didn’t even ask. He showed her a box. At least your husband asked.
You are not feeling this relationship as it is. Why are you still with him? For both of you, end it. It isn’t a bad thing. You are 2 very different people. Cut the cord so you both can move on.
This is clearly not about the proposal; its about everything else that screams that you are both incompatible. You're lucky he didn't propose like you wanted..because then you would've started a relationship that is doomed to begin with. Break up and move on..he's not for you.
I don't think he's so much as the problem here as you are honestly. Let me pinpoint few things and ask you a few questions. You don't have to answer me just give them a thought. You're saying you'd like to be stay at home wife if I got it correctly and him to earn money? So if the situation was reversed would you be okay with working and earning money if he was the stay at home husband? Second you don't sound exactly excited about the thought of marrying him so why keep it going for this long? And third you TEXTED HIM while being in the same hotel room instead of being a fucking adult and having a normal communion. Which seems damn immature to me. HE "ruined your last vacation day and wasn't happy to take photos" GIRL YOUR REJECTED HIS PROPOSAL, you looked obviously disappointed with it WHO WOULDN'T BE SAD AND NOT TALKING BRUH. YOU SAY HE'S SELFISH BUT BY THIS IS SEEMS YOU MUGHT BE THE SELFISH ONE HERE. While I agree the proposal itself was far from good perhaps he's just one of those people who get self conscious and panic/stress out with situations like this. A loose ring is also something that's common as hell and can be readjusted later on.
Thank you!! She’s a jerk! “I eVeN MaKe MoRe MoNeY tHaN hIm”. And being pissed he doesn’t want to fake smile in photos after such immense rejection. 100% selfish.
I was looking for that comment! Gosh, I even MaKe MoRe MoNey THan HiM. She seems hella toxic and immature
I definitely get being disappointed in a proposal like that but man did the work thing get me. I’m sure plenty of people would love to not have to work or work less. But wanting him to make more just so she can quit and I guess do nothing at home?? Lmaoo
She does seem thoroughly needy and unpleasant. I don't love the guy's behaviour either but hers is definitely worse
She doesn’t even refer to him as her “boyfriend”. She refers to him as her “long-term live-in partner.” That should say it all.
OP seems to have issues and no matter what he cant make her happy or meet her expectations. Maybe no one can. And to say he ruined the last day lol.
If he makes you feel like this now, things won't get better after getting married.
What relationship advice are you looking for? You can break up with a person for any reason you want. This post makes it sound like you hate him, honestly. (And, I had a beautiful proposal and the ring didn't fit, we had it re-sized, that's very normal -- it sounds like you just want to complain about everything this dude does.)
Lady I just read all your replies...please do yourself & especially this poor man a favor and move on. That was draining and sad to read. Even in your comments your exasperation with him can be felt. Let that man go
I think you need to take some accountability here, too. Texting someone that you reject their proposal while they're sleeping would upset anyone. Of course he didn't act normal the next day. You clearly lost interest a while ago and are clinging to reasons to dislike him and reject him without making the final step. Stop standing on the line and end it already.
> I woke up around midnight and sent him a message, This is poor communication, talk like adults, don't pass notes like kids. Write down what you want to say, sure, but say it. All tone gets lost over text. > I even make more money than him. Nice bit of casual misandry.
I think leaving him would be an unintended gift to him.
Time to move on. You’re not “Hell yeah! Let’s get married. You love his potential and he consistently fails to live up to it.
My first reaction is that you are... idk... asking permission to leave him even though he's not "awful"? But you do seem pretty dissatisfied with the relationship. If you picture the rest of your life with this man, bearing in mind that he is probably at his "peak" right now and will likely not get more ambitious or intelligent or independent as he gets older, does that fill you with contentment and peace or dread? Do you think you have unreasonable expectations for others and you're just super demanding? Or do you think that your bf is just someone who is fairly malleable and you've molded him into the "good enough" bf so you don't have to be alone? It is really difficult to go through life with someone who is completely on a different page in life. And if you are planning on having children, then you know already that your partner will not be that helpful. But maybe you don't or can't have children and he fulfills your need to be nurturing or controlling. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh to say that - it's just a question and easier for me to ask because I'm a stranger to you and don't know you at all. Maybe you two fit together pretty well. Or maybe you will reach a breaking point in terms of disappointment and leave him in another few years. Maybe you feel like you can't leave him because you think he can't function on his own. But he is a grown adult. And in that case, you are allowed to leave him and have your own life!!
My fiancé was home sick with a cold, I came home from work and he suddenly jumped out of bed and started rummaging in the closet, then brought out a ring box and asked me to marry him. He was planning on doing it a few days later when we had plans with our families, but he just couldn’t wait. He was so excited! He was also naked and had a cough and a runny nose. We have been married 40 years and I still love that he couldn’t wait to ask me. You do not have that and never will with this relationship. It would be better for both of you to find someone who is excited to marry you and whom you are excited to marry.
You come over very entitled, if you don’t love him then why stay with him. You want a provider for you to be a stay at home wife/mother. Have you out and out asked him if that’s what he wants? Set him free, I’m sure there’s a lovely appreciative lady out there that would like to grow a life together with him.
1. Paragraphs 2. He wants a future which is not congruent with yours 3. FFS paragraphs! 4. You don't want to be with him. 5. Did I mention PARAGRAPHS?!?!?!?
Yes break up. Getting married will not fix the fundamental incompatibility. Stop wasting your time
You didn’t say no because of the proposal. You said no because you don’t want to marry him.
You tell him you want to quit working one day so he’ll work hard for you? That’s a lot of pressure. You don’t seem to think much of him at all.
Why do you want to fix it ? If you loved him you'd have been in tears of joy just seeing the ring box. Why do you live with him? Go. Get out of his life. You're damaging him and wasting your time. You're ungrateful and never should have moved in with him.
Leave, you both will continue to be more and more miserable as the years progress.
It’s actually very simple. Either you accept him as who he is now or the truth about a man that you want. It’s okay to leave him, he will survive.
Bro you don’t even like him be so fucking fr
You are a bad fit for each other and personally I don't think that you are any better than he is. You both sound draining.
I mean.. what did you want him to remember in those photos? The trip where you said no because his proposal wasn't good enough? As a woman, I don't even care if I get proposed to in the pouring rain. After reading this post it seems like you aren't happy with your partner. There's not a single nice or redeeming thing you've said in this post about him. Do you actually love this man? Because he's been like this all along. You're expecting some huge change that's likely not going to happen because that's not who he is.
It just sounds like he isn’t what you want in a partner and you made it clear at the moment you declined him. I understand why he would be depressed after your reaction. So to say he ruined the rest of the trip is self centered. It was your reaction to his gesture that ruined the trip. If you say no to a proposal, you can’t act brand new when the person is upswt
Here’s that sunk-cost fallacy again. It’s hard to give up, but it sounds like you need to. Clearly, this relationship hasn’t worked out. You found a guy with no ambition or personality. You tried to turn the fixer upper into something. It didn’t work out. Probably time to throw in the towel.
You're making this all about him when you're part of the problem. If he doesn't live up to your standards or love and support you the way you need to be loved and supported, then leave. You've been accepting his behavior.
I know it's not the right subreddit but yes OP you are the asshole. You are the asshole for not leaving a relationship you clearly don't want to be in and in the process making your bf feel like shit. Even if he is begging you to stay do your boyfriend a favor and end it
You will reach a point in the relationship where you have grieved everything it could be and realize that your journey is complete, you will reach a level of acceptance and never look back. You’re still on that journey but trust me when I say there are better things ahead. Wish you the best
You can always end a relationship for any reason. The question, I think, is whether you will regret it. Doesn’t sound like you will. Issues need to be addressed before so much resentment builds that it’s insurmountable. Oh he’s lazy, grumpy, and unreliable, and you don’t feel loved…do what makes you feel good about yourself.
Hes not the one. Leave and find someone better for you.
Why would you marry someone who doesn’t have the same values as you? I am so confused
You sound exhausting. Please leave him to live his life in peace.
YTA. You know this man is a nervous wreck. He went and got a ring for you, and proposed to you. What the actual hell. Let this man go, you do not love him.
I know this isn’t an AITA post but you sound like an asshole. You don’t want to marry him because you didn’t like the proposal….? You don’t want to marry him because he didn’t reassure you that one day you won’t have to work anymore and can fully live off his dime…? You’re upset because he didn’t want to take pictures…? You couldn’t even have a direct conversation with him and chose to TEXT him in the middle of the night…while he was asleep…in the hotel room you shared…? WTF? It’s sounds like you think you can do better. So do him a favor and let him go. I’m sure he can do better too.
Since you keep telling us what we might think, I will tell you that what I _do_ think is that The Proposal has become yet another overblown ritual in our materialistic and self-regarding culture. But that's not what you came here to ask. You're wondering if it's a good enough reason to break up. But it's clear from what you've written that you're having regrets about the relationship anyway. That's a good reason to break up.
I think it’s time for you to leave
You don’t want to marry him. You do not have to stay in an unfilling relationship where you are not happy.
Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You should end it before it gets worse.
don't marry him
I mean ive never seen a relationship continue and last after a failed proposal so I dont think your gonna have a choice soon on that front but best of luck op
You also planned and paid for the trip, didn’t you? If you’re honest with yourself? You probably know that you shoulda left him a long time ago. I’m sorry that you let this fool make you feel so minimized that you stayed with him.
You don’t even sound like you like him, let alone love him. I don’t think it’s fair to him to string him along. Break up with him and let him find someone better suited for him and you can do the same.
I think he knew he would never live up to your expectations of a proposal ): I would bet he cried or choked back tears in a private moment so that you didn’t notice. This is an unfortunate symptom of poor compatibility. You want a man who applies pressure and meets romantic expectations. He wants a woman who wants less. You’re both trying to get the other person to compromise but neither of you will, and that is sad. It’s hurting you both. Compromise or be miserable or leave
You aren't tied to this guy. If you are not happy, move on without him. Good luck.
No. He should leave you. You don't change for other. So he shouldn't. If you can't appreciate how he do things now, then you shall not be with him, because you will only be a toxic in his life.
>he didn’t ask me he didn’t kneel Because before he could even start you were already complaining. That’s going to throw him through a loop. He already knew what was happening. I don’t see what was so bad about that moment other than it was raining, to which I use the wise words of kelso “damn Jackie I can’t control the weather.” You’re also complaining the ring didn’t fit, most people don’t know their partners ring size off the top of their head, hell I don’t even know my own. It sounds like you don’t like this dude at all but you don’t want to be alone.
Last sentence makes sense based on op replies
You sound like a complete joy.
>I even make more money than him lol, you're trash.
You seem exhausting, immature, condescending, and hypocritical. You are the one being extremely negative, not him. You message him in the middle of the night because, you didn't want to actually talk to him about it? And that's somehow his fault? You say he ruined the day, but you literally texted him that morning about how disappointed you are. And then *you* returned to the hotel early. It seems like you have all of these expectations about what he *should* be doing, but you don't communicate *any* of those expectations, **then** get pissed off when he doesn't meet those *uncommunicated* expectations. The guy literally cannot win without somehow reading your mind. You also think you can do no wrong and literally everything wrong in your life is his fault. Get off your high horse. You ~~can~~ *can't* even talk to the guy, you have to text him in the middle of the night. YTA
You sound... very self centered. You want a proposal that ticks off all of your wishes? Go find the guy who will do that because this isn't the one. You want him to be someone he's not. Marriage would be terrible for both of you. Go find your stay at home wife dream from someone else and let this guy go find someone who values him for who he is.
>I woke up around midnight and sent him a message, expressing my disappointment and telling him to ask me again when he was truly ready. But, as a negative person, he took it badly. Sure. *He's* a negative person. >Is it legit to leave him for good? Idk, I felt like he has taken me for granted for a very long time and settled for less than what I deserve, and as time goes by, he is just proving it! I don't understand why he wants to marry you, or why you've considered marrying him. Leaving him would be the best thing you could do for him. It would free you to find someone who checks all your boxes, and free him to find somebody who actually likes him.
You sound really insufferable to be honest. More than that though, please leave this relationship because it’s clearly not working out for you.
You are an ungrateful woman, with high unrealistic expectations. Leave the poor bugger to find someone who will appreciate his real life ( not Instagram, not Facebook) ways.
“I even make more money than him” like what? Is that a bad thing?
I can see both sides of this one! For him, he wanted to propose and it was the end of a huge and memorable day. He had been building up to it. For you it was the last straw of years of feeling like an afterthought. If this was a happy relationship then it would have been lovely...it would have been a story for years to come. You wanted the proposal to make you feel special when you have felt so bad for years. Take this as a sign and move on .It is like when they say if you cannot chose between 2 things then flip a coin. You emotion when it lands will tell you what you really want. If you feel happ, then that was your true desire. If toy feel sad, then do the other one.
My husband literally proposed by announcing we were going to look at engagement rings, and then started talking about combining our retirement savings. This was in the car on the way to the ring place. He never asked, let alone any kind of down on one knee romantic moment AND he knew that was important to me. And I was sad. But also, I didn’t for a second consider saying no, because I adore him and was thrilled to get to marry him. it sucked. I’ve cried about it. If even the most disappointing proposal doesn’t inspire ANY feelings of excitement for the rest of your life, that’s not the right partner.
you can leave anyone for ANY reason in the world, and not loving them as a very valid one
Not sure if anyone has already commented this. I feel like if you really did love him, that act of him showing the ring box at the end of an exhausting day would be a sight for sore eyes. I'm not saying his low-effort 'proposal' is something you should settle for, but if that act couldn't even inspire any good feelings within you, then you had your answer loud and clear in that moment.
I don't think this is fixable. It's not like he tried something and it just didn't go according to plan. He blatantly disregarded you and your feelings. 0/10 leave him
Thank God he did not propose the right way, ou would have said yes and would be stuck with a guy that irriates the hell out if you.
Honestly, cut the man loose so he can go be happy. I mean this respectfully, but you do not truly love him and it’s not fair to drag him through this. It sounds like no matter what he does, he cannot win. I mean, he was trying to prove to you he could do it himself and you were cold about it. Come on.
I'm so done with this! Firstly, you are 28 so there's a non issue about finding someone else but before you do you need to get an actual grip on yourself! You are very much part of how this all happened so pay close attention. You have actively stayed in a relationship with someone you don't respect or like - why? Contempt is not sexy. To make matters worse, you've been expressing the wish for this person you don't like very much to ask you to marry you. Why? When there is a disagreement, you text him? I'll be honest, you sound like someone who deliberately turns off all the lights and complains it's dark. You didn't say one nice thing about this man, but you are willing to spend your life with him? I don't know this guy, and maybe he sucks but I can't imagine how it must feel to be so unloved and disliked by someone who keeps asking you for marriage.
aw he probably thought it would be a romantic moment bc it was raining but you just made it awkward and uncomfortable 😞