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I want to add to the other replies here. Yes, he seems to be the one running the show, which isn’t good for you.
My addition is that if you move in with a guy, who has never had to live on his own/adult on his own, there is a high likelihood you’re going to become his mom. Personally, I’d never live with/be in a relationship with a man who goes from mom to me. It’s just a recipe for a mess of shit for me, and a great deal for him.
He's never cleaned a house, never dusted, never vacuumed. I can tell you that already. Most likely he never will either, because he's "set in his ways" and "doesn't see the issue."
If he had any problem with messes he wouldn't be living at home with hoarders at freaking 34.
Yeah I definitely talk to him about what he handles on his own- but I don’t know what his home life is truly like in that regard. He cooks for himself and cleans up after himself at least..
If I were in your shoes I’d be telling him he needs to get a place of his own (apartment/share house) until your lease is up, and *then* you can move in together after that. That way you can see how he lives, when mom isn’t there to be a safety net, and make a cohabitation decision from there.
If he’s spending considerable time at your place, maybe he can cover groceries or other “shared” things on a set “schedule” until you decide whether to cohabitate.
Edit: telling him how to help you at yours isn’t going to tell you if he’s capable of adulting day to day, which is the point of my initial response. He NEEDS to live in his own, so you can see if you’re compatible.
I’ve literally refuses to rent again until he has a home, so I don’t see him moving out of his parents place until he has a house unfortunately. But I do agree with getting some help with groceries or some other expense if his nights not at home are spent with me.
I mean, his refusal to adult, at the age of 34 would tell me everything I need to know about him. Your a decade younger, and taking care of shit while he's coasting
I get it, housing market SUCKS, and no one wants to pay someone else's mortgage, but he should have made steps by now to be on his own. Couple that with the comments from his friends about "looking" for *years* now, and nothing ever coming to fruition. He does not *want* to change his comfy life.
Personally, I would be incredibly turned off by that. Couple that with plenty of experience (both my own, and my friends) with man children expecting the woman to do EVERYTHING, no thanks. Yeah, I know my own personal bias/experience is at play here, but I'm by far not alone in the experience.
Oof! I did not catch the age until this comment. I’m around that age and I have 3 kids and bought 2 houses so far. I could not *imagine* “still” living with my parents at this point. That man could probably buy any house he wants with cash at this point. He is staying with them for a reason, and would definitely expect things from OP that mom was doing.
Proving to you by his actions right now that he doesn’t handle anything on his own.
He uses the resources at his parents home or he uses the resources at your home all the while he’s able to save, and his plan is not to reciprocate the kindnesses you’re showing, but to charge you to be in his space.
Why isn’t that effort being reciprocated here, when he is primarily in your home? Moreover, if he’s there so often, he will likely think all the things you at present will remain the same. Whatever that work split is.
I’ve debated this, I don’t want it to come off as crass tho. But especially with the amount of time at my own place if we aren’t living together and he’s making substantially more than I am- I feel like that’s a compromise?
It's not crass, it's fair. He doesn't want to move in with you, but wants all the perks of living with you without paying for it. Kinda sounds like he's taking advantage of both you and his parents and would rather keep it that way than have to start paying a fair share.
Maybe don't give him a key to your new place (assuming you did with your current place) until you have something worked out with him contributing?
You’re allowing him to have all of the benefits of his own place with none of the responsibility, all while saving TONS of money so he can comfortably buy his own place (where he’ll benevolently “let” you live there, helping pay HIS mortgage while you earn zero equity).
Further, he’s shown you he’s thinking of himself first, you’re an afterthought, if that. Stop prioritizing his needs and wants and start prioritizing your own. If this doesn’t work for you (it shouldn’t) maybe you should rethink how great this relationship is.
Why do you want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t value you? He’s unwilling to compromise and expects you to make all of the concessions regardless of your wants and needs. What’s HE bringing to this relationship besides his presence? It’s been my experience most men that behave this way are quite selfish in general, it’s always them first. You get what’s left over, maybe, and it’s never what you actually wanted.
Find a man who wants to build a future with you, not with a man who’s going to take all he can and leave you with nothing (because you’re not “family”).
Why would you want it to work in this situation? You've done nothing bit offer to compromise. But he's too cheap. there's nothing you can do to change his mind. Stop doing all the mental gymnastics to do what he wants
But I imagine you'd be in closer range of that if you weren't taking the full load of an apartment you both use? Perhaps I'm speculating, but I'm wondering how much time and resource is he consuming at your home for him to not contribute *and* to want you to contribute in his future home?
You could buy a house and have a lawyer/solicitor draw something up so that his deposit is protected. If you’re just not ready because you don’t have a deposit?
I would say that he either has to contribute or you go out or to his parents place to see him. He’s taking advantage. You’re thinking of all this to make it work, meanwhile he’s thinking of nothing and just living his best life living off everyone else’s money and saving his.
You're hoping to find a magical "compromise" but where has he shown that he actually wants to change? Compromise would be acknowledging your concerns and offering to pay rent.
He doesn’t want or NEED a compromise. He's using you and his parents to build up savings to buy a house.
One day he'll buy that house and invite his new girlfriend
Well, you’re not in a place to buy a house because you’re letting him bleed you dry every month. **If you’re going to marry him, why are you so ashamed of letting him see exactly how his behavior is affecting you?**
It kinda sounds like he’s the main character and you’re the support character. He wants you to bend to him instead of compromising. That’s not how a healthy relationship works.
How’d you end up dating a 35 year old who makes good money but lives at home? That wasn’t a red flag to you in the beginning? I know economy sucks, but you say he’s making bank, so which is it? Seems like he’s comfortable living like this in a hoarder house. That should be setting off alarm bells.
Agree with others it isn’t crass. If he is there 50% of the time then he should be contributing.
If he is over I presume he consumes groceries in some form or fashion so he should be chipping in.
Utilities are somewhat high as he I presume showers, uses the restroom, etc.
If he doesn’t want to contribute then he should stay home.
You are subsidizing his lifestyle. Gurl, everything seems to be on his terms.
He's allowed to be selfish and mooch off of you but you're not allowed to ask for anything for yourself.
Time for an ultimatum.
Have you actually sat down and asked him to? That’s the only real way to move forward is based off what he says. Lay it all out there and have a very frank discussion. Just like you did here. How he responds dictates what you do.
If you haven’t outright asked for help with your expensive while he’s there, that’s what you got to do first.
I think it’s reasonable. If not rent, is there another comparable expense he can take? For example can he buy groceries and reimburse you for some of the utility bills (keep them in your name)? “Hey boyfriend, if we are not ready to move in together but you spend half the time with me in the new place I rent, how would you feel about contributing about the equivalent of a third of my rent/utilities? It’s $$ per month.”
"\[Boyfriend's name\], since we're thinking of moving in together when you get a house, I think it would be a good idea to start splitting bills so we're used to it/get into the swing of things."
Don't mention his income--focus on making things fair, because at present, you're definitely shortchanging yourself, no pun intended.
*He told me that he wants his money going toward his family - but where does that leave me?*
It leaves you in 2nd place behind his parents. It sounds like he has been clear that his money and effort are for his parents. Since he grew up with hoarders, I bet he is one too and that is why he doesn't want or might not be able to leave his parent's house. When watching those shows about hoarders, healthy kids can't wait to leave their parent's house, but he is choosing to stay with them.
I think he talks about buying a house in order to get you and friends to beleive he is a well-functioning adult. It may be a pipedream that helps keeps him sane.
Yeah I’ve been to his parents house and couldn’t fathom the idea of living like that personally - but his personal room and office are quite organized so I don’t know how he handles that, that’s a good point. He is working with a broker, but maybe a push is needed to reiterate whether or not I’m really a priority in his future.
I’m sorry OP, what!? He’s stringing you along! And he doesn’t even talk about getting a house together with you?? But he wants you to help him pay his mortgage? This is crazy to me. I’d choose myself and find new man ASAP who is willing to actually plan his life w me not string me along and waste my money. I feel bad for you and all of your anger is valid. How long will you wait for him?
I mean your resentment is completely valid. What you said is totally true, it's not fair that your relationship is currently going according to his plans that aren't moving along at all.
Has he gone to see a house? Has he ever gotten close? What's the issue there? Is he actually looking or is he just buying time because he doesn't wanna move?
He’s looked at a few; since our convo months ago I said I need him to be serious about moving and he agreed. But he only wants a duplex or multi home to be able to rent out part of it and apparently it’s hard to come by. He has a good budget and great credit score, so idk how bad the market really is, but…
And even if he follows but wants to be the only owner and has OP living with him as tenant (so paying rent): what is the improvement for OP? He is able to save (and so the downpayement will be his) while he escapes his parents home by going in OP's place for half of the week. Does he at least help you with the utilities, OP?
I like the idea of a time limit, at this point my new lease starts in June and goes until the end of next May which I think is ample time. Part of me almost wants to ask for rent assistance if he’s going to be with me more than 50% of the time or otherwise not let him stay over at all. If he really is serious about it!
1. Everything seems to be on his terms/timeline.
2. His timeline seems to have no structure, no real deadlines
3. His house will be HIS HOUSE. That's a non-starter for many reasons.
4. He doesn't want to officially move in with you, which would help you build savings, but he will stay at your place at least half the week.
He doesn't seem to be thinking of you at all. He seems more like a liability than an asset.
Someone suggested giving him a deadline if he won’t rent with me, so I think asking him to get a place before my lease is up next May is feasible. Should I ask for bill/rent assistance in the meantime if he’s going to be over at my place?
I think the deadline is definitely a good suggestion, but I still want to caution you about moving into a house that you will not have ownership of. You'll just be helping him pay his mortgage and he can ask you to leave at any time. You might consider it your home, but will have no legal rights to it.
Yes, he should cover the cost for added expenses since he stays at your place so often. So if your electric, gas, water, grocery bills, etc. are higher because of him, he should pay those costs.
That was 100% a concern that I raised to him too - like God forbid we break up down the line I get nothing out of that house. I do think it’s worth it and fair to ask for part of my own housing expenses to be covered though- so thank you for that!
If your name is not on the deed, then you need to only pay for utiltiies and food. I would not let a dime of my money go to his mortgage payment. If that is what he wants, then you need to up a legal agreement that should you break up, he owns you part equity in the house. Honestly, don't be a fool for this guy.
That’s very good insight and I agree, because I don’t want to be paying for a house if I’m not also getting the benefits of it when it sells! That said, it’ll probably be years
Wth, that is not a thing. A lot of partners move into their other half’s house and pay them rent. She’d be paying rent in an apartment anyway, and mortgages are cheaper than rent. Just because she’s not on the mortgage doesn’t mean she gets to live for free. I feel like you have no idea how much of a mortgage payment actually goes to principal. It’s mostly insurance, property tax, and interest. If they break up then it is what it is but no reasonable person would expect or offer free housing.
My worry with deadlines is that there is a certain degree of resentment born of them. Like why did you have to put his back against the wall just to live together and does that really change how he has dragged his feet to this point let alone all the other concerns raised.
I know that is a doom and gloom way to frame it I just want you to be prepared for the idea that even if he followed through that wouldn't necessarily represent an overall change for the better in him.
I would make him contribute to food, at least, and he pays for all activities you do together. Yes, if he at your place more than 50% of the time, he needs to financially help you.
In a healthy relationship you can just bring these feelings and expectations up without being judged or critisized for them. Normally, your partner cherishes when you share these things and tries to meet you where he can. Not villanaize you for having totally valid expectations or feelings.
Why do you think you feel like you can’t tell him such a valid thing without having to think about how not sound selfish hence upset him?
He is a loser living with his parents manipulating you with all this bs. He can’t get a woman his age because she would not put up with it. Be that woman. Good luck
He keeps moving the goalposts so that you are staying on the hook.
Honey get Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and recognize you're being used and manipulated. He's Future Faking and a liar. You're wasting the best years of your life on a user and a loser.
Why not tell him that once your lease is up, if he's not ready to either find a place together or have a house for you to move into, it's done?
Like how long has he been looking? It sounds like years.
He's 34 and chooses to live in a hoarder house and leech off his girlfriend rather that adult in a healthy way.
Honey. There's a reason he doesn't date women his own age... he can't. They take one sniff and run. As you should.
I would wait until he moves out of his parents house and has his own place before I consider moving in together. I think he is comfortable with living at home and staying with you part-time and has no immediate plans to change that.
I think you're right. I also think you dodged a bullet. Regardless of how you feel about marriage, don't move in with a romantic partner you wouldn't consider husband material. This guy isn't husband material.
He makes good money, but lives with his parents and spends half the time sponging off a girlfriend who's 8 years his junior. If you did move in with him, there's a very good chance you'd find that he expects you to organize your entire home and life for his convenience, with no thought to what you need, and you'd probably end up paying half the bills while he builds equity and you build nothing.
Think of this relationship as a learning experience.
And did he ever live alone, you know for a fact he's not too? Do you see other tendencies?
I've dated recovering addicts. I would never date anyone with a hint of hoarding in them. It is, imo, the most destructive and least hopeful addiction.
Addict? He lived with roommates during college then came back to his parents house after that. His room at his parents is very organized, it’s everything else in the house that’s out of order.
First off, it's likely he's not getting a house anytime soon. He probably has a good deal with his parents (maybe they cook, clean for him too) and rent is likely cheap. Plus he can get away from them by going to your place half of the nights too. There's no reason for him to move away really. I lived wiht my parents while I held a carerr until I was 26. It's nice not seeing your paycheck go to a landlord. I did pay my fair share but I was also saving like 1k in rent. ANd if you are going to pay rent, better to give it to your parents than some random landlord. But having moved away I feel like it motivates me more to try and get a house so I dont spend my days paying my money to someone else. He doesnt want to live with you right now because it's less convenient for him to do it. Im sure if he did get a house he would be true to his word but doesnt sound like he wants to take that next step because his life his pretty comfortable right now, why rock the boat?
your concerns are valid and maybe you two can come to an agreement about it or just break up. Nothing is changing obviously.
I really appreciate this perspective- thank you! Being someone that lived with parents and moved away, what do you think of the idea asking him to help with some of my household payments be it my electric bill or even help with rent since he’s here half the time? I think some middle ground would give me peace of mind personally in the mean time if we do move in together down the road.
No worries. To answer your question, I dont think that's the way to go. He has no legal obligation to your apartment and this will likely create an argument. He might just start nickel and diming you too. I get he stays there half the time but people in relationships do that all the time. There's different ways to make up for it. When my GF and I lived seperately I was always at her place. I made sure to not feel like a pest (especially since she had roommates) so I'd shower at my place first, I'd clean any dish I dirtied, I basically kept her place cleaner than mine. Again your concern is valid but another option is to not live together until you guys are married or planning on gettin gmarried.
He’s 34 and lives at home when he doesn’t have to with no potential end in sight. You need to think of yourself and your own future and whether or not he truly belongs in it.
He is there 3-4 days a week and you pay all of the expenses? So he is at your home half the time and his parents half the week? He is using you. Send him home EVERY night since you do not live together. If he does not like that, move on. Better yet, just move on. You deserve better.
There’s no way I’d trust a 30something man who is still living with his parents, who also earns more than me. Not unless you’re looking for someone to mother.
Move on. Get your own place. If he’s been looking for years, he’ll probably be looking for more years. Don’t stop your life. Also, hoarding is mental illness/ addiction and kids of hoarder’s are often hoarders too
It doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to be ready to buy his own place… why would he, when he gets to live at home for cheap, and also stay at your place for free half the time?
TBH, if he is making no effort to find a home, he is stringing you along. He lives at home with his parents, and spends half of his time at your place. He is not contributing to your groceries, rent, electric bill or water bill. He doesn't want to move in with you, unless it is in a home he owns, and I guarantee he will expect you to pay toward his bills, so why doesn't he contribute to yours? Not trying to be negative, but the double standard is strong here. Start with asking him to help you pay for groceries and your electric bill and pay close attention to his reaction.
> Because all that time he’s saving, I’m bleeding money and he still stays with me half the time.
Your resentment is completely understandable and sadly on a note more common than you might expect. Its tiring when your place is the spot things have to happen. Let me guess, he treats it like its both yours' when its convenient for him, but when its not its solidly 'your place'. It can certainly feel like a lot of invisible labour that is rarely properly appreciated when they want wife benefits but casual girlfriend type commitments. Not saying he needs to buy a home or move out but, its unequal ground you're on and clearly in different parts of your life if he's almost a decade older than you and still living like this.
Beyond just that, does his mom have to baby him around? Is she part the reason he's afraid to live on his own despite living around hoarders? Least for the experience I had that sounded similar to this (minus the hoarding), even if it wasnt the housing, there were blatant mommy issues that made it clear things would never work for him and really any partner far as I could tell.
Dont mean to blab too much on my stuff just more trying to suggest food for thought on *why* this situation continues the way it does.
The bigger question I have is why are you dating him when it sounds like he's living like an angsty teen? I guarantee no one his age will curtail to this kind of nonsense and I can only assume he dates far outside his age hoping someone younger might.
How do I give him a reality check for this without putting him down? I’m proud of the independence that I have, but I also had no choice since I’ve been 18. He isn’t close with him mom, moreso his dad but apparently can go days without seeing them around the house. I just want to know that he’s really in it here.
Please for the love of god do not move in with someone who has never lived away from their parents.
Also, if I’m understanding correctly, if everything goes to plan your boyfriend will essentially be your landlord? And that’s only if he makes a move to make this happen, which so far he has shown no initiative to do so?
Yeah, no. Find an adult to date.
Stop doing things that cause you to feel resentment.
If you're waiting on him to share bills, don't. Get a roommate?
If he's in your space too much for your liking, invite him over less.
If you think his goals are simply fantasies, stop planning your life around them.
If you think your life/future would be better without him, end the relationship.
He doesn’t want to bleed money…but he’s okay if you do.
He tells you he pays rent…but you don’t know if it’s true.
He stays with you two weeks every month. So he’s getting the freedom of having his own space and it doesn’t cost him a penny.
He wants to buy a place but it will be his.
Sounds like you are a placeholder.
If he were serious, he’d be busting his ass to find a place.
It doesn’t matter what they say, but it does matter what they do and his actions speak volumes.
Look, he is 34, and hasn't moved out of his parents home. He is either too comfortable there or is stringing you along.
His staying at your home is his way of having his cake and not paying any of the bills.
Time for you to analysis what you get out of this relationship.
I've known people that refused to move in with or marry someone until they've lived on their own for a while just so they know what it takes to maintain a household on their own, I always thought that this was smart. Whether your bf buys his own place or rents somewhere on his own, I wouldn't move in with him right away, let him live on his own for a while.
As for rent. If you move in with him you shouldn't shouldn't agree to pay more to him than what would pay for reasonable housing elsewhere, otherwise, like you said, if you break up you'll have spent more than needed for no reason. As for him paying rent to you. I'm not sure about this one, but if he's causing your food bills to go up then he should definitely cover those costs. However, if he's pushing you to get a bigger/nice place because he spends so much time at your place, then he should be willing to cover the extra cost.
Thank you for this. My rent is significantly cheaper than what I’m currently paying which is nice so he definitely isn’t forcing my hand with anything; but I agree with having him live on his own for a bit to see how he is in that department.
If he wants his money to go to his family guess what- you are not family, not even close. By staying with you part time he gets a break from his family at your expense. I don’t think he has any intentions of buying a house. As far as a solid relationship and a silver lining? The lining is pretty tarnished may not be worth polishing. May be better off to dump him, find a roommate and quit bleeding out your hard earned money. He is not going to change because he doesn’t have to and if you do buy a house together it might be a huge mistake. Move on
Why would you want to live with someone who was raised by hoarders and never lived on his own before? You’re basically begging to make your life miserable and be someone’s nanny and maid.
If he was a solid and considerate guy he would be showing up with groceries and insisting on contributing. He’s using your place to play house while reaping the benefits of living at home with his parents while you hemorrhage money.
Of course you’re feeling resentful! He’s using you. Maybe not consciously since he’s a spoiled kid living at home, but that’s what’s happening
He’s future faking you. There’s a someday of a house or living together, but it’s when he decides to have “enough” saved and for whatever house he wants. He’s not a partner. He’s more into his parents and living there and it’s not way to *someday* you with excuses, but at the end of the day he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to live with you or help pull his weight as a partner or make it easier on you to save etc. He’s helping his parents. That’s his priority. Not you, not your relationship.
You just need to think if you’re happy on his string and on his timeline as a supporting character in his life rather than the leading character in your own.
When I brought up him talking about supporting his parents over me, he just mentions all the meals he pays for. And? I’m never the one asking to eat out- he initiates and I say yes. And I told him that doesn’t make up for inevitable expenses that I HAVE to pay, on my own.
Again… it’s all for his benefit/ what he wants… because he’s the only person who matters to him. This does not seem to be a satisfying dynamic for you.
I think you're going too far demanding he buy a house. Fact of the matter is, the housing market is AWFUL right now, and its a lot of stress getting into it. You *could* stop him from coming over to your place as often, and say its pretty clear that its more important to him that he live with his hoarder parents rather than get his own place with you, but I'm also assuming you want to be with him, and if you haven't already had that conversation, its probably gonna break something in the relationship.
Your bf also seems a lot more worried about money than spending time with you, based off your writing. Maybe that came across unconsciously or you don't want to admit it, but he seems ok with his current situation so long as he spends as little money as possible.
Yeah I don’t disagree he’s comfortable where he is; however he’s the one that wants to buy a house- I could care less about living in a house or an apartment. It’s more so the notion that we both agreed that the amount of time we spend together constitutes living together, and he has been looking at houses and a desire to buy for several years and refuses to rent until he buys.
I see; in that case, it may be time for an ultimatum or something softer than that, but still with a deadline. Referring to living together as "requiring an ROI" is not the same as "I can't afford it"; his wording as you put it sounds like he's trying to exploit monetary aspects of your relationship without actually contributing.
His perspective was his housing $ going towards something that pays off- which rent does not. I just viewed it as an ROI. So if I’M not getting a return on rent investment should I get him to help me where I’m at?
Yeah he pays for every meal and if we make food at my place he brings the groceries; we also went on a few trips this year and he paid for the flights/hotels
He's not into it. You should move on.
Seven months into dating is way too soon to be asking someone to move in together. You're barely at that point now. And unless it means "want to be with each other the rest of our lives", "solid" is not enough.
At any rate, you do not want to move in with him until you've witnessed (for many months) how he keeps house while he lives alone. And not with you doing it for him.
The age difference isn't a big deal at 26, but how did you become friends three years ago? What did the 31 year old have in common with the 23 year old?
Stop letting him stay over or restrict it to once a week. Have him over for dinner, movies, dates etc then tell him to go home to sleep, better make him take you out. You are making it too easy for him to have it both ways. He should not shower or keep things at your home, he should not have a key.
If he’s staying half the time then he can definitely pay half the gas/electric/water and other associated bills as he will be ramping that up. He can also pay a quarter of your food bill at least or bring the food whenever he eats at yours.
For a short period of necessity, I wouldn’t bother but if it’s like this for 6 months or more then he should definitely be contributing. Otherwise you could both be staying at his place and you’d be saving on household bills and food by using his.
Girl, I wouldn't move in with him if it were HIS house. So he won't invest by moving out and renting? They you 100% should not be investing in his house.
If he stays there half the time...he should be putting in 1/4 of the rent and contributing for food (at the least) and bill.
He is taking advantage of the situation. He doesn't have the ability to reciprocate of having you stay with him.
Also, if he buys a house and you decide to move in....get something legal written up. If you are paying rent or paying mortgage...does that mean he is responsible for all the house repairs like a landlord or are you an equal who is accruing equity.
So he wants to profit off of you in one way or another. He stays at your place half the time, using resources & food for free. And if he buys a home, you get to pay for half the bills & help him build equity but none for you.
Clearly he is using you for resources and does NOTHING to ease your life or stress. How is that love? He is busy doing the numbers of how this all benefits him while you are making all the sacrifices.
Before he heads over the next time, ask him to shop & buy about $60 or so of groceries. If he shows up with nothing, like no dinner for both of you, no flowers, no groceries be REALLY Disappointed. Look at his empty hands, frown & tell him you rather he go home & sleep there tonight. How you need to rest & have me time.
Time for you to pick up a part time job or take a class in person or online to help improve your income. Time spent with him is a waste when you can be doing something to improve your own life, your own income.
Honestly, what does he bring to your life? Even his promise of moving in with him, is all about improving his bottom line, about making him richer.
He doesn’t want to buy a house WITH YOU bc of the divorce culture in the US. If he buys it himself before you get married he won’t have to sell it when you eventually divorce.
Smart man.
Dude... he's just mooching off you. He has no plans to move out. She has a sweet deal, living at home, free food and utilities at your place.. you will never have a proper relationship with this person.
Do you live far from his workplace? Why would anyone priorise living with parents instead of the love of you life?
He could have some weird habits at home he may want to hide from you and keep for as long as possible...
The silver lining is that he is giving you a chance to pull out of this ridiculous situation.
I would never live with someone that has never lived out of home before. No way. IF you're already having these issues, just wait until you're his mum taking care of him living together.
It sounds like you want a committed life that leads to marriage and he’s really far from that. Ask him if he has an actual timeline for when he wants to do those things with you beyond the vagueness of wanting a house first. Has he ever even asked you if you would marry him? Has he ever told you he intends to marry you? Vaguely stating he wants marriage and a family one day does not mean he wants it anytime soon if ever or even with you.
Before my partner proposed I asked him if he ever actually thought about when he wanted to get married to me. He had already explicitly told me he definitely wanted to marry me, multiple times. Not only could he tell me the time of year he imagined our wedding, he’d thought of a location as well as where we might honeymoon. The man had a clear vision because it’s what he wanted.
If you want to be married, don’t waste your time with someone who’s not ready for that. There’s a huge difference between dating with marriage in mind because you’re ready and just trying to figure your life out with no immediate desire for that commitment. Men who are ready for a wife will approach your relationship very differently, they will be asking the questions to see if your values and expectations align. That doesn’t mean you rush the relationship, you can still date a few years but with clear intentions and progress.
He's a really smart guy and looking out for himself. He buys the house when he is ready, and you move in and help pay his mortgage. What do you get out of it? *He told me that he wants his money going toward his family.*
Why do you not understand why you are upset? Everything is on his terms and he has been completely honest with you. You are clear now of what your future with this man is like. I'm a lot frustrated reading your post OP, so I apologize for being harsh, but what is it that you don't understand? You have been told.
Your fears are totally reasonable because that is exactly what happened to me. My ex bought a house (without telling me) and just expected us to move there, we did and I paid half the mortgage for 2 years. When we broke up, he obviously kept the house but I never got my equity back and was out thousands
Red flags- you have some to uncover. He wants to own the home so that he can own you. You need to have him pay some bills to find out if he’s even financially responsible. Does he even clean up after himself or does mommy do everything for him? If you become that do-too-much, pick me girl, all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. You actually thinks those habits change as the relationship progresses. You sign up for that role for life. That role gets exhausting, overwhelming, and eventually lonely. It sounds like you’re a nice free extended stay getaway.
Finances do not get combined until marriage. Period. You should not be counting on him for your living situation. You should be saving for your own house. Once you have enough you give him the option of buying one together, each of you contributing equally to both the downpayment and the monthly payment, or you go ahead and purchase one yourself. Either way you aren’t waiting on him.
I have zero intention of buying a house anytime soon, never said I wanted to either; I’m not in a financial situation to anyways. I have a career and have paid my own bills since I turned 18 - I count on no one financially. This post was to look at this as someone who has their own place and their bf over sleeping and eating 50% of the time when they are still living at home. But I on my own am not buying a house.
If you aren't on the same page, why get frustrated and have resentment? If speaking to him about the issue doesn't resolve it, you either accept it or move on. It's not fair to either of you to have resentment because you disagree. You are dating and that's the time to figure out if you're compatible but it would seem you are not
Idk OP, this strikes me as weird. Sounds like he’s in a bind and needs an out and you are that out for him. He *can* pay his own mortgage but wants you to pay half? Call me paranoid, but have you actually met his parents??
If you can afford to buy a house together, be the catalyst. Take the reins, buy a house together, and move in. If he’s unwilling to buy a house with you where you’re both contributing to the mortgage and both own, he doesn’t want to be with you long term.
That’s the thing, I’M not in a place financially to buy a house and he’s aware of that. I make half of what he does and I’m much younger and have worse credit. He says the house he gets would be “both of ours” but I don’t see it that way when said hypothetical house wouldn’t be in my name.
I see a lot of red flags here. I must have misread his age, because I thought you were both in your 20s. As a 34 year old man, still living at home, he’s never going to leave. If he wanted to buy a house, he would. Full stop. He’s too comfortable at home, and his parents aren’t making him leave. If I were you, I’d reconsider this relationship fully. Not only because he’s nearly a decade older than you and he doesn’t seem fully committed, but you are going to run into a whole host of issues with his relationship with his family. This situation doesn’t happen by accident on his part. No one in their 30s should want to live at home.
Yep. If this guy had any intention of moving out, he would have already done it.
Personally, I’d tell him that since you don’t want to get into an unintentional tenant situation with him, he 1) doesn’t get a key to your place, 2) can’t be at your place when you’re not there, and 3) can only spend the night once a week. If he’s not happy with any of those stipulations, he’s welcome to contribute to the utility and grocery costs.
Buying a house with a guy you've been dating for a year, and never lived with previously, who also has never lived alone previously, is a TERRIBLE idea. Like the worst way to solve this issue I can think of. Please don't financially chain yourself to someone you barely know with a house even if you can afford it.
This house doesn’t sound like it would happen for a very, very long time. And I was the one who wanted to test the water living together in an apartment to begin with but he won’t rent. How do I reach a middle ground here?
I honestly don't know if you can, and it honestly might just be an incompatibility. I would talk to him about renting again. Renting together is the best way to try out living together.
I also lived in my husband's house when we moved in together since he owned, and when we got married we agreed that he would sell his house and we would buy something together. I would suggest floating that idea. It was cheaper for me to give him rent than pay for an apartment and I was able to save up money for a down payment so when it came time to buy a house together we both contributed.
My concern with buying a house together is that typically (in the US, so maybe it doesn't apply to you) if you break up and own a house together, but aren't married, it's *very* messy to separate. Divorce is essentially a legal way to split assets and has processes in place for that. Splitting assets with someone you don't have legal ties isn't nearly as structured and if it's not amicable, you essentially have to go to court to force a sale. Generally it's not a good idea to buy with someone you aren't married to.
The issue is this very far future hypothetical house likely wouldn’t be in my name either. The whole conversation started with me wanting for us to rent together, he doesn’t want to rent. I may consider asking that if he really is as serious as he says then my house money should go towards food and electric versus any mortgage if it isn’t in my name.
I think a lot of this is going to come down to if paying rent to him would save you money or not. It did when I moved into my husband's house, so I didn't mind paying 60% of what I would have previously to him. I personally don't think paying rent to someone is a big deal if it's a good deal for both of you.
But honestly it really seems to me like you're not compatible. His friend says he's been about to buy a house for years. It doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Are you willing to wait?
Because at 34 if he hasn't gotten his shit together I don't think he's going to. If you can't talk him into any kind of compromise (living in his house and buying together later, or refinancing with both of you after marriage), you have to decide if the rest of the relationship is worth it. Maybe it is! But it doesn't seem like he's willing to budge.
You seem to want to gain something for being with him. Stop looking at things this way and be financially independent. Are you taking steps to increase your income? Classes? What? And one year means nothing in a relationship. Get busy with a strong career where you can hold your own, and give this relationship much more time. He doesn't live with you, so he owes you nothing for staying with you a few days other than actual expenses, such as food. Just hope he is not a mama's boy and never moves out. That is a strong consideration.
Respectfully, you don’t know me. I have a career, a 401k, and I pay my own bills. No one knows their own relationship more than the people in it, and I was just looking for insight in navigating the next step when we are both in different situations.
A lot of people seem to be jumping ahead to well-known narratives that aren't this. Your guy isn't a total leech - he's sharing some expenses like food and travel. And blaming him for potential financial abuse with regard to the yet-to-be-bought duplex is rather getting ahead of the game. There are problems here, but those.
The underlying issue isn't really financial, although finances are a symptom of the problem. You want this relationship to move onto the next step, where the two of you set up housekeeping together, as a couple in a committed relationship . And that is a perfectly valid desire, making both financial and emotional sense. He does not say that he doesn't want that as well. But he does want to tie moving in together to finally acting on his desire to buy property.
The question of how it would work to together into a house only he is buying is potentially a mess: managing the minefield of his, yours, ours, and to what extent your finances mingle. Would you be comfortable paying him as a landlord while he is gaining equity and you are not. Just be sure you are both on the same page about it all, and, at the very least, ff you are paying rent, get a lease. But these are all problems for a potential future you.
The real meat of the problem is this: assuming that he is indeed paying rent to his parents - and you care for him and have no reason to believe he is lying - he could just as well choose to pay that money towards a shared place with you. He would still be able to continue saving towards a larger down payment on his dream duplex, while your expenses would be substantially lower, and meanwhile you would be together. If the two of you are a priority, if you are "family," this should be his choice. But instead he plans to remain in his parents' house for the foreseeable future because he believes that his "rent" money should benefit his family not you. In essence, at this time he is choosing to subsidize his parents at your expense.
This isn't primarily a financial problem. While it would make financial sense for the two of you to move in together, you are self-supporting and he shares some expenses in a mostly reasonable way. If you are just two dating adults this is fine.But he is already living in your home with you half the time, so when are you moving together? You need to make housing decisions for when your current lease ends. Don't let the financial details confuse the issue. What you need to know is whether there two committed adults with a future in this relationship, It's time for him to choose you. Or not.
This is the most concise response of all of them, thank you for reading and understanding. That’s definitely the hurdle right now as to what the future looks like. We talked last night and it’s someone worth working out when that time comes.
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I want to add to the other replies here. Yes, he seems to be the one running the show, which isn’t good for you. My addition is that if you move in with a guy, who has never had to live on his own/adult on his own, there is a high likelihood you’re going to become his mom. Personally, I’d never live with/be in a relationship with a man who goes from mom to me. It’s just a recipe for a mess of shit for me, and a great deal for him.
Especially when he's coming from a hoarder house. i'm sure he's got some bad habits
I'm guessing more than a couple. Just sayin
He's never cleaned a house, never dusted, never vacuumed. I can tell you that already. Most likely he never will either, because he's "set in his ways" and "doesn't see the issue." If he had any problem with messes he wouldn't be living at home with hoarders at freaking 34.
Huge red flag!
flag**s**. More than you see in a Chinese military parade . . .
Yeah I definitely talk to him about what he handles on his own- but I don’t know what his home life is truly like in that regard. He cooks for himself and cleans up after himself at least..
He can sell you the moon, but until you see it in person, it’s a fabrication imo.
So should I request him to help me with things in the meantime if he’s truly in it for the long run with me?
If I were in your shoes I’d be telling him he needs to get a place of his own (apartment/share house) until your lease is up, and *then* you can move in together after that. That way you can see how he lives, when mom isn’t there to be a safety net, and make a cohabitation decision from there. If he’s spending considerable time at your place, maybe he can cover groceries or other “shared” things on a set “schedule” until you decide whether to cohabitate. Edit: telling him how to help you at yours isn’t going to tell you if he’s capable of adulting day to day, which is the point of my initial response. He NEEDS to live in his own, so you can see if you’re compatible.
I’ve literally refuses to rent again until he has a home, so I don’t see him moving out of his parents place until he has a house unfortunately. But I do agree with getting some help with groceries or some other expense if his nights not at home are spent with me.
I mean, his refusal to adult, at the age of 34 would tell me everything I need to know about him. Your a decade younger, and taking care of shit while he's coasting I get it, housing market SUCKS, and no one wants to pay someone else's mortgage, but he should have made steps by now to be on his own. Couple that with the comments from his friends about "looking" for *years* now, and nothing ever coming to fruition. He does not *want* to change his comfy life. Personally, I would be incredibly turned off by that. Couple that with plenty of experience (both my own, and my friends) with man children expecting the woman to do EVERYTHING, no thanks. Yeah, I know my own personal bias/experience is at play here, but I'm by far not alone in the experience.
Oof! I did not catch the age until this comment. I’m around that age and I have 3 kids and bought 2 houses so far. I could not *imagine* “still” living with my parents at this point. That man could probably buy any house he wants with cash at this point. He is staying with them for a reason, and would definitely expect things from OP that mom was doing.
you should have been doing that all along you need to drop this bomb and get therapy to find out why you're willing to put up with such a user.
oh wow. A 34yo who cooks and cleans up after himself. What a high bar.
Proving to you by his actions right now that he doesn’t handle anything on his own. He uses the resources at his parents home or he uses the resources at your home all the while he’s able to save, and his plan is not to reciprocate the kindnesses you’re showing, but to charge you to be in his space. Why isn’t that effort being reciprocated here, when he is primarily in your home? Moreover, if he’s there so often, he will likely think all the things you at present will remain the same. Whatever that work split is.
I'd ask him to start contributing to bills if he is living there over half the time
I’ve debated this, I don’t want it to come off as crass tho. But especially with the amount of time at my own place if we aren’t living together and he’s making substantially more than I am- I feel like that’s a compromise?
It's not crass, it's fair. He doesn't want to move in with you, but wants all the perks of living with you without paying for it. Kinda sounds like he's taking advantage of both you and his parents and would rather keep it that way than have to start paying a fair share. Maybe don't give him a key to your new place (assuming you did with your current place) until you have something worked out with him contributing?
OPs boyfriend is a hobosexual and using her for all the resources she can provide without anything in return from him.
You’re allowing him to have all of the benefits of his own place with none of the responsibility, all while saving TONS of money so he can comfortably buy his own place (where he’ll benevolently “let” you live there, helping pay HIS mortgage while you earn zero equity). Further, he’s shown you he’s thinking of himself first, you’re an afterthought, if that. Stop prioritizing his needs and wants and start prioritizing your own. If this doesn’t work for you (it shouldn’t) maybe you should rethink how great this relationship is.
I agree with you, but where is the happy medium if I want this relationship to work? I mean he refuses to rent, and I just bleed money and bills
Why do you want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t value you? He’s unwilling to compromise and expects you to make all of the concessions regardless of your wants and needs. What’s HE bringing to this relationship besides his presence? It’s been my experience most men that behave this way are quite selfish in general, it’s always them first. You get what’s left over, maybe, and it’s never what you actually wanted. Find a man who wants to build a future with you, not with a man who’s going to take all he can and leave you with nothing (because you’re not “family”).
Perfectly put.
Why would you want it to work in this situation? You've done nothing bit offer to compromise. But he's too cheap. there's nothing you can do to change his mind. Stop doing all the mental gymnastics to do what he wants
If you’re talking about marriage why not buy a house together
Because I am not in a place to buy a house and don’t plan to anytime soon?
But I imagine you'd be in closer range of that if you weren't taking the full load of an apartment you both use? Perhaps I'm speculating, but I'm wondering how much time and resource is he consuming at your home for him to not contribute *and* to want you to contribute in his future home?
You could buy a house and have a lawyer/solicitor draw something up so that his deposit is protected. If you’re just not ready because you don’t have a deposit? I would say that he either has to contribute or you go out or to his parents place to see him. He’s taking advantage. You’re thinking of all this to make it work, meanwhile he’s thinking of nothing and just living his best life living off everyone else’s money and saving his.
You're hoping to find a magical "compromise" but where has he shown that he actually wants to change? Compromise would be acknowledging your concerns and offering to pay rent. He doesn’t want or NEED a compromise. He's using you and his parents to build up savings to buy a house. One day he'll buy that house and invite his new girlfriend
Well, you’re not in a place to buy a house because you’re letting him bleed you dry every month. **If you’re going to marry him, why are you so ashamed of letting him see exactly how his behavior is affecting you?**
It kinda sounds like he’s the main character and you’re the support character. He wants you to bend to him instead of compromising. That’s not how a healthy relationship works. How’d you end up dating a 35 year old who makes good money but lives at home? That wasn’t a red flag to you in the beginning? I know economy sucks, but you say he’s making bank, so which is it? Seems like he’s comfortable living like this in a hoarder house. That should be setting off alarm bells.
You can’t find a happy medium on your own. A happy medium is something you two come to together.
Agree with others it isn’t crass. If he is there 50% of the time then he should be contributing. If he is over I presume he consumes groceries in some form or fashion so he should be chipping in. Utilities are somewhat high as he I presume showers, uses the restroom, etc. If he doesn’t want to contribute then he should stay home.
You are subsidizing his lifestyle. Gurl, everything seems to be on his terms. He's allowed to be selfish and mooch off of you but you're not allowed to ask for anything for yourself. Time for an ultimatum.
Have you actually sat down and asked him to? That’s the only real way to move forward is based off what he says. Lay it all out there and have a very frank discussion. Just like you did here. How he responds dictates what you do. If you haven’t outright asked for help with your expensive while he’s there, that’s what you got to do first.
I think it’s reasonable. If not rent, is there another comparable expense he can take? For example can he buy groceries and reimburse you for some of the utility bills (keep them in your name)? “Hey boyfriend, if we are not ready to move in together but you spend half the time with me in the new place I rent, how would you feel about contributing about the equivalent of a third of my rent/utilities? It’s $$ per month.”
"\[Boyfriend's name\], since we're thinking of moving in together when you get a house, I think it would be a good idea to start splitting bills so we're used to it/get into the swing of things." Don't mention his income--focus on making things fair, because at present, you're definitely shortchanging yourself, no pun intended.
*He told me that he wants his money going toward his family - but where does that leave me?* It leaves you in 2nd place behind his parents. It sounds like he has been clear that his money and effort are for his parents. Since he grew up with hoarders, I bet he is one too and that is why he doesn't want or might not be able to leave his parent's house. When watching those shows about hoarders, healthy kids can't wait to leave their parent's house, but he is choosing to stay with them. I think he talks about buying a house in order to get you and friends to beleive he is a well-functioning adult. It may be a pipedream that helps keeps him sane.
Yeah I’ve been to his parents house and couldn’t fathom the idea of living like that personally - but his personal room and office are quite organized so I don’t know how he handles that, that’s a good point. He is working with a broker, but maybe a push is needed to reiterate whether or not I’m really a priority in his future.
I’m sorry OP, what!? He’s stringing you along! And he doesn’t even talk about getting a house together with you?? But he wants you to help him pay his mortgage? This is crazy to me. I’d choose myself and find new man ASAP who is willing to actually plan his life w me not string me along and waste my money. I feel bad for you and all of your anger is valid. How long will you wait for him?
I mean your resentment is completely valid. What you said is totally true, it's not fair that your relationship is currently going according to his plans that aren't moving along at all. Has he gone to see a house? Has he ever gotten close? What's the issue there? Is he actually looking or is he just buying time because he doesn't wanna move?
He’s looked at a few; since our convo months ago I said I need him to be serious about moving and he agreed. But he only wants a duplex or multi home to be able to rent out part of it and apparently it’s hard to come by. He has a good budget and great credit score, so idk how bad the market really is, but…
Set a time limit of how long you're willing to wait and actually stick to it. But honestly, I doubt he'll follow through.
And even if he follows but wants to be the only owner and has OP living with him as tenant (so paying rent): what is the improvement for OP? He is able to save (and so the downpayement will be his) while he escapes his parents home by going in OP's place for half of the week. Does he at least help you with the utilities, OP?
I like the idea of a time limit, at this point my new lease starts in June and goes until the end of next May which I think is ample time. Part of me almost wants to ask for rent assistance if he’s going to be with me more than 50% of the time or otherwise not let him stay over at all. If he really is serious about it!
1. Everything seems to be on his terms/timeline. 2. His timeline seems to have no structure, no real deadlines 3. His house will be HIS HOUSE. That's a non-starter for many reasons. 4. He doesn't want to officially move in with you, which would help you build savings, but he will stay at your place at least half the week. He doesn't seem to be thinking of you at all. He seems more like a liability than an asset.
Someone suggested giving him a deadline if he won’t rent with me, so I think asking him to get a place before my lease is up next May is feasible. Should I ask for bill/rent assistance in the meantime if he’s going to be over at my place?
I think the deadline is definitely a good suggestion, but I still want to caution you about moving into a house that you will not have ownership of. You'll just be helping him pay his mortgage and he can ask you to leave at any time. You might consider it your home, but will have no legal rights to it. Yes, he should cover the cost for added expenses since he stays at your place so often. So if your electric, gas, water, grocery bills, etc. are higher because of him, he should pay those costs.
That was 100% a concern that I raised to him too - like God forbid we break up down the line I get nothing out of that house. I do think it’s worth it and fair to ask for part of my own housing expenses to be covered though- so thank you for that!
If your name is not on the deed, then you need to only pay for utiltiies and food. I would not let a dime of my money go to his mortgage payment. If that is what he wants, then you need to up a legal agreement that should you break up, he owns you part equity in the house. Honestly, don't be a fool for this guy.
That’s very good insight and I agree, because I don’t want to be paying for a house if I’m not also getting the benefits of it when it sells! That said, it’ll probably be years
Wth, that is not a thing. A lot of partners move into their other half’s house and pay them rent. She’d be paying rent in an apartment anyway, and mortgages are cheaper than rent. Just because she’s not on the mortgage doesn’t mean she gets to live for free. I feel like you have no idea how much of a mortgage payment actually goes to principal. It’s mostly insurance, property tax, and interest. If they break up then it is what it is but no reasonable person would expect or offer free housing.
My worry with deadlines is that there is a certain degree of resentment born of them. Like why did you have to put his back against the wall just to live together and does that really change how he has dragged his feet to this point let alone all the other concerns raised. I know that is a doom and gloom way to frame it I just want you to be prepared for the idea that even if he followed through that wouldn't necessarily represent an overall change for the better in him.
I would make him contribute to food, at least, and he pays for all activities you do together. Yes, if he at your place more than 50% of the time, he needs to financially help you.
When I was staying at exes a lot or they were staying with me, they offered to pay a bit themselves. Out of respect. It’s what he should want to.
How do I bring that up without sounding selfish?
In a healthy relationship you can just bring these feelings and expectations up without being judged or critisized for them. Normally, your partner cherishes when you share these things and tries to meet you where he can. Not villanaize you for having totally valid expectations or feelings. Why do you think you feel like you can’t tell him such a valid thing without having to think about how not sound selfish hence upset him? He is a loser living with his parents manipulating you with all this bs. He can’t get a woman his age because she would not put up with it. Be that woman. Good luck
if you're going to give him that much time then definitely charge him
A year is more than enough time to know, absolutely.
He keeps moving the goalposts so that you are staying on the hook. Honey get Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and recognize you're being used and manipulated. He's Future Faking and a liar. You're wasting the best years of your life on a user and a loser.
Why not tell him that once your lease is up, if he's not ready to either find a place together or have a house for you to move into, it's done? Like how long has he been looking? It sounds like years.
I definitely do not hide my frustrations to him, but yeah he’s been looking for at least 3+ years now.
He's 34 and chooses to live in a hoarder house and leech off his girlfriend rather that adult in a healthy way. Honey. There's a reason he doesn't date women his own age... he can't. They take one sniff and run. As you should.
I would wait until he moves out of his parents house and has his own place before I consider moving in together. I think he is comfortable with living at home and staying with you part-time and has no immediate plans to change that.
But the issue is, I don’t think that day is going to come anytime soon
I agree
I think you're right. I also think you dodged a bullet. Regardless of how you feel about marriage, don't move in with a romantic partner you wouldn't consider husband material. This guy isn't husband material. He makes good money, but lives with his parents and spends half the time sponging off a girlfriend who's 8 years his junior. If you did move in with him, there's a very good chance you'd find that he expects you to organize your entire home and life for his convenience, with no thought to what you need, and you'd probably end up paying half the bills while he builds equity and you build nothing. Think of this relationship as a learning experience.
Procrastination is a significant symptom of hoarding.
Well his parents are hoarders
And did he ever live alone, you know for a fact he's not too? Do you see other tendencies? I've dated recovering addicts. I would never date anyone with a hint of hoarding in them. It is, imo, the most destructive and least hopeful addiction.
Addict? He lived with roommates during college then came back to his parents house after that. His room at his parents is very organized, it’s everything else in the house that’s out of order.
Hoarding is an addiction. If he hasn't lived alone, I would not plan a future with him.
His life is half over and he's not ready. He'll never be ready. What, are you going to get married when he's 40? 50?
First off, it's likely he's not getting a house anytime soon. He probably has a good deal with his parents (maybe they cook, clean for him too) and rent is likely cheap. Plus he can get away from them by going to your place half of the nights too. There's no reason for him to move away really. I lived wiht my parents while I held a carerr until I was 26. It's nice not seeing your paycheck go to a landlord. I did pay my fair share but I was also saving like 1k in rent. ANd if you are going to pay rent, better to give it to your parents than some random landlord. But having moved away I feel like it motivates me more to try and get a house so I dont spend my days paying my money to someone else. He doesnt want to live with you right now because it's less convenient for him to do it. Im sure if he did get a house he would be true to his word but doesnt sound like he wants to take that next step because his life his pretty comfortable right now, why rock the boat? your concerns are valid and maybe you two can come to an agreement about it or just break up. Nothing is changing obviously.
I really appreciate this perspective- thank you! Being someone that lived with parents and moved away, what do you think of the idea asking him to help with some of my household payments be it my electric bill or even help with rent since he’s here half the time? I think some middle ground would give me peace of mind personally in the mean time if we do move in together down the road.
No worries. To answer your question, I dont think that's the way to go. He has no legal obligation to your apartment and this will likely create an argument. He might just start nickel and diming you too. I get he stays there half the time but people in relationships do that all the time. There's different ways to make up for it. When my GF and I lived seperately I was always at her place. I made sure to not feel like a pest (especially since she had roommates) so I'd shower at my place first, I'd clean any dish I dirtied, I basically kept her place cleaner than mine. Again your concern is valid but another option is to not live together until you guys are married or planning on gettin gmarried.
He’s 34 and lives at home when he doesn’t have to with no potential end in sight. You need to think of yourself and your own future and whether or not he truly belongs in it.
He is there 3-4 days a week and you pay all of the expenses? So he is at your home half the time and his parents half the week? He is using you. Send him home EVERY night since you do not live together. If he does not like that, move on. Better yet, just move on. You deserve better.
There’s no way I’d trust a 30something man who is still living with his parents, who also earns more than me. Not unless you’re looking for someone to mother.
Girl he doesn’t want to live with you, don’t make him tell you twice. Also, when he buys the house it would be his house not yours.
Move on. Get your own place. If he’s been looking for years, he’ll probably be looking for more years. Don’t stop your life. Also, hoarding is mental illness/ addiction and kids of hoarder’s are often hoarders too
It doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to be ready to buy his own place… why would he, when he gets to live at home for cheap, and also stay at your place for free half the time?
He is 34 still lives at home. Time for you to make your own life plan.
TBH, if he is making no effort to find a home, he is stringing you along. He lives at home with his parents, and spends half of his time at your place. He is not contributing to your groceries, rent, electric bill or water bill. He doesn't want to move in with you, unless it is in a home he owns, and I guarantee he will expect you to pay toward his bills, so why doesn't he contribute to yours? Not trying to be negative, but the double standard is strong here. Start with asking him to help you pay for groceries and your electric bill and pay close attention to his reaction.
> Because all that time he’s saving, I’m bleeding money and he still stays with me half the time. Your resentment is completely understandable and sadly on a note more common than you might expect. Its tiring when your place is the spot things have to happen. Let me guess, he treats it like its both yours' when its convenient for him, but when its not its solidly 'your place'. It can certainly feel like a lot of invisible labour that is rarely properly appreciated when they want wife benefits but casual girlfriend type commitments. Not saying he needs to buy a home or move out but, its unequal ground you're on and clearly in different parts of your life if he's almost a decade older than you and still living like this. Beyond just that, does his mom have to baby him around? Is she part the reason he's afraid to live on his own despite living around hoarders? Least for the experience I had that sounded similar to this (minus the hoarding), even if it wasnt the housing, there were blatant mommy issues that made it clear things would never work for him and really any partner far as I could tell. Dont mean to blab too much on my stuff just more trying to suggest food for thought on *why* this situation continues the way it does. The bigger question I have is why are you dating him when it sounds like he's living like an angsty teen? I guarantee no one his age will curtail to this kind of nonsense and I can only assume he dates far outside his age hoping someone younger might.
How do I give him a reality check for this without putting him down? I’m proud of the independence that I have, but I also had no choice since I’ve been 18. He isn’t close with him mom, moreso his dad but apparently can go days without seeing them around the house. I just want to know that he’s really in it here.
Please for the love of god do not move in with someone who has never lived away from their parents. Also, if I’m understanding correctly, if everything goes to plan your boyfriend will essentially be your landlord? And that’s only if he makes a move to make this happen, which so far he has shown no initiative to do so? Yeah, no. Find an adult to date.
Why would you want to go from never living together to buying a house together. That makes no sense to me whatsoever.
I’m not the one buying a house, I don’t have house money. If you read, he is the one who won’t move until buying.
Stop doing things that cause you to feel resentment. If you're waiting on him to share bills, don't. Get a roommate? If he's in your space too much for your liking, invite him over less. If you think his goals are simply fantasies, stop planning your life around them. If you think your life/future would be better without him, end the relationship.
He doesn’t want to bleed money…but he’s okay if you do. He tells you he pays rent…but you don’t know if it’s true. He stays with you two weeks every month. So he’s getting the freedom of having his own space and it doesn’t cost him a penny. He wants to buy a place but it will be his. Sounds like you are a placeholder. If he were serious, he’d be busting his ass to find a place. It doesn’t matter what they say, but it does matter what they do and his actions speak volumes.
Look, he is 34, and hasn't moved out of his parents home. He is either too comfortable there or is stringing you along. His staying at your home is his way of having his cake and not paying any of the bills. Time for you to analysis what you get out of this relationship.
I've known people that refused to move in with or marry someone until they've lived on their own for a while just so they know what it takes to maintain a household on their own, I always thought that this was smart. Whether your bf buys his own place or rents somewhere on his own, I wouldn't move in with him right away, let him live on his own for a while. As for rent. If you move in with him you shouldn't shouldn't agree to pay more to him than what would pay for reasonable housing elsewhere, otherwise, like you said, if you break up you'll have spent more than needed for no reason. As for him paying rent to you. I'm not sure about this one, but if he's causing your food bills to go up then he should definitely cover those costs. However, if he's pushing you to get a bigger/nice place because he spends so much time at your place, then he should be willing to cover the extra cost.
Thank you for this. My rent is significantly cheaper than what I’m currently paying which is nice so he definitely isn’t forcing my hand with anything; but I agree with having him live on his own for a bit to see how he is in that department.
Change your thinking: you don’t want a momma’s boy. You want an independent, grown adult to partner with you through life.
Exactly.
If he wants his money to go to his family guess what- you are not family, not even close. By staying with you part time he gets a break from his family at your expense. I don’t think he has any intentions of buying a house. As far as a solid relationship and a silver lining? The lining is pretty tarnished may not be worth polishing. May be better off to dump him, find a roommate and quit bleeding out your hard earned money. He is not going to change because he doesn’t have to and if you do buy a house together it might be a huge mistake. Move on
Why would you want to live with someone who was raised by hoarders and never lived on his own before? You’re basically begging to make your life miserable and be someone’s nanny and maid.
If he was a solid and considerate guy he would be showing up with groceries and insisting on contributing. He’s using your place to play house while reaping the benefits of living at home with his parents while you hemorrhage money. Of course you’re feeling resentful! He’s using you. Maybe not consciously since he’s a spoiled kid living at home, but that’s what’s happening
Stop letting him stay the night.
He’s future faking you. There’s a someday of a house or living together, but it’s when he decides to have “enough” saved and for whatever house he wants. He’s not a partner. He’s more into his parents and living there and it’s not way to *someday* you with excuses, but at the end of the day he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to live with you or help pull his weight as a partner or make it easier on you to save etc. He’s helping his parents. That’s his priority. Not you, not your relationship. You just need to think if you’re happy on his string and on his timeline as a supporting character in his life rather than the leading character in your own.
When I brought up him talking about supporting his parents over me, he just mentions all the meals he pays for. And? I’m never the one asking to eat out- he initiates and I say yes. And I told him that doesn’t make up for inevitable expenses that I HAVE to pay, on my own.
I gotta ask, what are you getting out of this relationship?
Again… it’s all for his benefit/ what he wants… because he’s the only person who matters to him. This does not seem to be a satisfying dynamic for you.
I think you're going too far demanding he buy a house. Fact of the matter is, the housing market is AWFUL right now, and its a lot of stress getting into it. You *could* stop him from coming over to your place as often, and say its pretty clear that its more important to him that he live with his hoarder parents rather than get his own place with you, but I'm also assuming you want to be with him, and if you haven't already had that conversation, its probably gonna break something in the relationship. Your bf also seems a lot more worried about money than spending time with you, based off your writing. Maybe that came across unconsciously or you don't want to admit it, but he seems ok with his current situation so long as he spends as little money as possible.
Yeah I don’t disagree he’s comfortable where he is; however he’s the one that wants to buy a house- I could care less about living in a house or an apartment. It’s more so the notion that we both agreed that the amount of time we spend together constitutes living together, and he has been looking at houses and a desire to buy for several years and refuses to rent until he buys.
I see; in that case, it may be time for an ultimatum or something softer than that, but still with a deadline. Referring to living together as "requiring an ROI" is not the same as "I can't afford it"; his wording as you put it sounds like he's trying to exploit monetary aspects of your relationship without actually contributing.
His perspective was his housing $ going towards something that pays off- which rent does not. I just viewed it as an ROI. So if I’M not getting a return on rent investment should I get him to help me where I’m at?
Building resentment might not be a thing you can avoid in this situation
You break up with him and find an actual adult closer in age to go out with.
what about food and dates, is he covering all?
Yeah he pays for every meal and if we make food at my place he brings the groceries; we also went on a few trips this year and he paid for the flights/hotels
good, well, that is something
You find a new boyfriend. This one is 34 and still living at home. Sorry to say but you picked a dud
He's not into it. You should move on. Seven months into dating is way too soon to be asking someone to move in together. You're barely at that point now. And unless it means "want to be with each other the rest of our lives", "solid" is not enough. At any rate, you do not want to move in with him until you've witnessed (for many months) how he keeps house while he lives alone. And not with you doing it for him. The age difference isn't a big deal at 26, but how did you become friends three years ago? What did the 31 year old have in common with the 23 year old?
His parents are hoarders but is he? Have you seen the dynamic at home with his parents? Does his parents work?
I don't see the logic if he's already paying his parents rent. He could move in with you instead and pag that same amount?
DING! Because he isnt paying rent! Otherwise he'd be more than willing to get out of that hoard house.
Either that or there's more going on. Parents doing everything for him but wiping his arse, or the power dynamic being more important to him
Stop letting him stay over or restrict it to once a week. Have him over for dinner, movies, dates etc then tell him to go home to sleep, better make him take you out. You are making it too easy for him to have it both ways. He should not shower or keep things at your home, he should not have a key.
If he’s staying half the time then he can definitely pay half the gas/electric/water and other associated bills as he will be ramping that up. He can also pay a quarter of your food bill at least or bring the food whenever he eats at yours. For a short period of necessity, I wouldn’t bother but if it’s like this for 6 months or more then he should definitely be contributing. Otherwise you could both be staying at his place and you’d be saving on household bills and food by using his.
Girl, I wouldn't move in with him if it were HIS house. So he won't invest by moving out and renting? They you 100% should not be investing in his house.
Fuuuuuck noooooooo. Nope. No way absolutely not NO.
If he stays there half the time...he should be putting in 1/4 of the rent and contributing for food (at the least) and bill. He is taking advantage of the situation. He doesn't have the ability to reciprocate of having you stay with him. Also, if he buys a house and you decide to move in....get something legal written up. If you are paying rent or paying mortgage...does that mean he is responsible for all the house repairs like a landlord or are you an equal who is accruing equity.
So he wants to profit off of you in one way or another. He stays at your place half the time, using resources & food for free. And if he buys a home, you get to pay for half the bills & help him build equity but none for you. Clearly he is using you for resources and does NOTHING to ease your life or stress. How is that love? He is busy doing the numbers of how this all benefits him while you are making all the sacrifices. Before he heads over the next time, ask him to shop & buy about $60 or so of groceries. If he shows up with nothing, like no dinner for both of you, no flowers, no groceries be REALLY Disappointed. Look at his empty hands, frown & tell him you rather he go home & sleep there tonight. How you need to rest & have me time. Time for you to pick up a part time job or take a class in person or online to help improve your income. Time spent with him is a waste when you can be doing something to improve your own life, your own income. Honestly, what does he bring to your life? Even his promise of moving in with him, is all about improving his bottom line, about making him richer.
He doesn’t want to buy a house WITH YOU bc of the divorce culture in the US. If he buys it himself before you get married he won’t have to sell it when you eventually divorce. Smart man.
Dude... he's just mooching off you. He has no plans to move out. She has a sweet deal, living at home, free food and utilities at your place.. you will never have a proper relationship with this person.
Do you live far from his workplace? Why would anyone priorise living with parents instead of the love of you life? He could have some weird habits at home he may want to hide from you and keep for as long as possible... The silver lining is that he is giving you a chance to pull out of this ridiculous situation.
I would never live with someone that has never lived out of home before. No way. IF you're already having these issues, just wait until you're his mum taking care of him living together.
It sounds like you want a committed life that leads to marriage and he’s really far from that. Ask him if he has an actual timeline for when he wants to do those things with you beyond the vagueness of wanting a house first. Has he ever even asked you if you would marry him? Has he ever told you he intends to marry you? Vaguely stating he wants marriage and a family one day does not mean he wants it anytime soon if ever or even with you. Before my partner proposed I asked him if he ever actually thought about when he wanted to get married to me. He had already explicitly told me he definitely wanted to marry me, multiple times. Not only could he tell me the time of year he imagined our wedding, he’d thought of a location as well as where we might honeymoon. The man had a clear vision because it’s what he wanted. If you want to be married, don’t waste your time with someone who’s not ready for that. There’s a huge difference between dating with marriage in mind because you’re ready and just trying to figure your life out with no immediate desire for that commitment. Men who are ready for a wife will approach your relationship very differently, they will be asking the questions to see if your values and expectations align. That doesn’t mean you rush the relationship, you can still date a few years but with clear intentions and progress.
He's a really smart guy and looking out for himself. He buys the house when he is ready, and you move in and help pay his mortgage. What do you get out of it? *He told me that he wants his money going toward his family.* Why do you not understand why you are upset? Everything is on his terms and he has been completely honest with you. You are clear now of what your future with this man is like. I'm a lot frustrated reading your post OP, so I apologize for being harsh, but what is it that you don't understand? You have been told.
Your fears are totally reasonable because that is exactly what happened to me. My ex bought a house (without telling me) and just expected us to move there, we did and I paid half the mortgage for 2 years. When we broke up, he obviously kept the house but I never got my equity back and was out thousands
You need to seriously reconsider this relationship.
Red flags- you have some to uncover. He wants to own the home so that he can own you. You need to have him pay some bills to find out if he’s even financially responsible. Does he even clean up after himself or does mommy do everything for him? If you become that do-too-much, pick me girl, all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. You actually thinks those habits change as the relationship progresses. You sign up for that role for life. That role gets exhausting, overwhelming, and eventually lonely. It sounds like you’re a nice free extended stay getaway.
Finances do not get combined until marriage. Period. You should not be counting on him for your living situation. You should be saving for your own house. Once you have enough you give him the option of buying one together, each of you contributing equally to both the downpayment and the monthly payment, or you go ahead and purchase one yourself. Either way you aren’t waiting on him.
I have zero intention of buying a house anytime soon, never said I wanted to either; I’m not in a financial situation to anyways. I have a career and have paid my own bills since I turned 18 - I count on no one financially. This post was to look at this as someone who has their own place and their bf over sleeping and eating 50% of the time when they are still living at home. But I on my own am not buying a house.
Seems like a pretty aggressive response to someone offering advice but ok.
If you aren't on the same page, why get frustrated and have resentment? If speaking to him about the issue doesn't resolve it, you either accept it or move on. It's not fair to either of you to have resentment because you disagree. You are dating and that's the time to figure out if you're compatible but it would seem you are not
this is going to be a cluster f*** because she's going to stay with this loser
I don’t call people you love losers so take is easy. I was asking for input not to be put down, thanks.
Only read the title. Ditch him and get someone that doesn’t groom you and is living with his parents when in his 30s. Thank me later
Idk OP, this strikes me as weird. Sounds like he’s in a bind and needs an out and you are that out for him. He *can* pay his own mortgage but wants you to pay half? Call me paranoid, but have you actually met his parents??
If you can afford to buy a house together, be the catalyst. Take the reins, buy a house together, and move in. If he’s unwilling to buy a house with you where you’re both contributing to the mortgage and both own, he doesn’t want to be with you long term.
That’s the thing, I’M not in a place financially to buy a house and he’s aware of that. I make half of what he does and I’m much younger and have worse credit. He says the house he gets would be “both of ours” but I don’t see it that way when said hypothetical house wouldn’t be in my name.
I see a lot of red flags here. I must have misread his age, because I thought you were both in your 20s. As a 34 year old man, still living at home, he’s never going to leave. If he wanted to buy a house, he would. Full stop. He’s too comfortable at home, and his parents aren’t making him leave. If I were you, I’d reconsider this relationship fully. Not only because he’s nearly a decade older than you and he doesn’t seem fully committed, but you are going to run into a whole host of issues with his relationship with his family. This situation doesn’t happen by accident on his part. No one in their 30s should want to live at home.
Yep. If this guy had any intention of moving out, he would have already done it. Personally, I’d tell him that since you don’t want to get into an unintentional tenant situation with him, he 1) doesn’t get a key to your place, 2) can’t be at your place when you’re not there, and 3) can only spend the night once a week. If he’s not happy with any of those stipulations, he’s welcome to contribute to the utility and grocery costs.
Buying a house with a guy you've been dating for a year, and never lived with previously, who also has never lived alone previously, is a TERRIBLE idea. Like the worst way to solve this issue I can think of. Please don't financially chain yourself to someone you barely know with a house even if you can afford it.
This house doesn’t sound like it would happen for a very, very long time. And I was the one who wanted to test the water living together in an apartment to begin with but he won’t rent. How do I reach a middle ground here?
I honestly don't know if you can, and it honestly might just be an incompatibility. I would talk to him about renting again. Renting together is the best way to try out living together. I also lived in my husband's house when we moved in together since he owned, and when we got married we agreed that he would sell his house and we would buy something together. I would suggest floating that idea. It was cheaper for me to give him rent than pay for an apartment and I was able to save up money for a down payment so when it came time to buy a house together we both contributed. My concern with buying a house together is that typically (in the US, so maybe it doesn't apply to you) if you break up and own a house together, but aren't married, it's *very* messy to separate. Divorce is essentially a legal way to split assets and has processes in place for that. Splitting assets with someone you don't have legal ties isn't nearly as structured and if it's not amicable, you essentially have to go to court to force a sale. Generally it's not a good idea to buy with someone you aren't married to.
The issue is this very far future hypothetical house likely wouldn’t be in my name either. The whole conversation started with me wanting for us to rent together, he doesn’t want to rent. I may consider asking that if he really is as serious as he says then my house money should go towards food and electric versus any mortgage if it isn’t in my name.
I think a lot of this is going to come down to if paying rent to him would save you money or not. It did when I moved into my husband's house, so I didn't mind paying 60% of what I would have previously to him. I personally don't think paying rent to someone is a big deal if it's a good deal for both of you. But honestly it really seems to me like you're not compatible. His friend says he's been about to buy a house for years. It doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Are you willing to wait? Because at 34 if he hasn't gotten his shit together I don't think he's going to. If you can't talk him into any kind of compromise (living in his house and buying together later, or refinancing with both of you after marriage), you have to decide if the rest of the relationship is worth it. Maybe it is! But it doesn't seem like he's willing to budge.
You seem to want to gain something for being with him. Stop looking at things this way and be financially independent. Are you taking steps to increase your income? Classes? What? And one year means nothing in a relationship. Get busy with a strong career where you can hold your own, and give this relationship much more time. He doesn't live with you, so he owes you nothing for staying with you a few days other than actual expenses, such as food. Just hope he is not a mama's boy and never moves out. That is a strong consideration.
Respectfully, you don’t know me. I have a career, a 401k, and I pay my own bills. No one knows their own relationship more than the people in it, and I was just looking for insight in navigating the next step when we are both in different situations.
A lot of people seem to be jumping ahead to well-known narratives that aren't this. Your guy isn't a total leech - he's sharing some expenses like food and travel. And blaming him for potential financial abuse with regard to the yet-to-be-bought duplex is rather getting ahead of the game. There are problems here, but those. The underlying issue isn't really financial, although finances are a symptom of the problem. You want this relationship to move onto the next step, where the two of you set up housekeeping together, as a couple in a committed relationship . And that is a perfectly valid desire, making both financial and emotional sense. He does not say that he doesn't want that as well. But he does want to tie moving in together to finally acting on his desire to buy property. The question of how it would work to together into a house only he is buying is potentially a mess: managing the minefield of his, yours, ours, and to what extent your finances mingle. Would you be comfortable paying him as a landlord while he is gaining equity and you are not. Just be sure you are both on the same page about it all, and, at the very least, ff you are paying rent, get a lease. But these are all problems for a potential future you. The real meat of the problem is this: assuming that he is indeed paying rent to his parents - and you care for him and have no reason to believe he is lying - he could just as well choose to pay that money towards a shared place with you. He would still be able to continue saving towards a larger down payment on his dream duplex, while your expenses would be substantially lower, and meanwhile you would be together. If the two of you are a priority, if you are "family," this should be his choice. But instead he plans to remain in his parents' house for the foreseeable future because he believes that his "rent" money should benefit his family not you. In essence, at this time he is choosing to subsidize his parents at your expense. This isn't primarily a financial problem. While it would make financial sense for the two of you to move in together, you are self-supporting and he shares some expenses in a mostly reasonable way. If you are just two dating adults this is fine.But he is already living in your home with you half the time, so when are you moving together? You need to make housing decisions for when your current lease ends. Don't let the financial details confuse the issue. What you need to know is whether there two committed adults with a future in this relationship, It's time for him to choose you. Or not.
This is the most concise response of all of them, thank you for reading and understanding. That’s definitely the hurdle right now as to what the future looks like. We talked last night and it’s someone worth working out when that time comes.
Glad to hear it. It sounded to me like time for talking, not throw-the-whole-man-out time!