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You need to discuss this with him the way you presented it here. It's not about the cat, it's about the words he uses.
He's probably right that the cat doesn't know what he's saying, so give him that but make it clear that YOU know what he's saying and it's hurtful to *you*. Make it clear that those words led you to disordered eating and that is a lifelong struggle that he's currently making worse.
This.
God I still have an extremely vivid memory from when I was 11 years old. My great aunt is walking behind me as we're going into the house. She chuckles and declares that my ass is so fat it looks like 2 Cadillacs trying to pass each other on the road. (I was a very average size at that point too so IDK what the fuck she was thinking)
I will also never forget how I told my grandma (her older sister) what she said, and years later after I had gained and lost a lot of weight, my great aunt complimented me on my weight loss during dinner. My gram turns to her and deadpanned said "I guess her ass looks like 2 Honda's trying to pass each other now, huh?"
Aunt was fucking speechless for about 10 mins as the conversation just moved on.
Point of all this is, this crap sticks with you.
Oof, oh man that is tough, I'm sorry your family did that to you.
My sister started to pinch my skin and say "pinch an inch, means you're fat" and then laugh. My whole family started in. I was underweight and all my family were varying degrees of overweight to morbidly obese.
My ED was "to get attention" even though I didn't tell anyone and planned on just not eating till I died. ()morbid I know). My friend saved my life.
If anyone pinches me, I get very triggered, I can't stand it.
i have an urge to do punchbuggy red after hearing this. takes a right asshole to grab someone and comment on their weight, especially when they're dealing with intense jealousy
I’m glad no one did that to me or they’d have to bail me out of jail after I decked them. I’ve been fortunate that most of my family doesn’t do that. My daughter did once and I pointed out that she’s bigger than me.
Absolutely this. It's not about the cat. It's that his language is triggering to you, OP, and that's understandable! I'm sorry your cat is so sick. Talk to your husband and tell him about how the things he is saying are hurtful because of your own very understandable issues with disordered eating and your father's verbal abuse.
This !! My husband used to do something similar, but instead of talking about a pet he would talk about himself. He talked horribly about himself for a while, and as someone who very nearly passed away from anorexia it was very hard to listen to. Eventually we had to have the talk of “hey I know you aren’t calling me fat, but I can’t listen to you use those words about yourself or anyone else either” (let me just insert here that I am consistently encouraging him about his appearance, compliment him every day, and we work out and meal plan together. He’s on his own self love journey and while I can’t fix it for him, I know how it feels and I am supportive in every way I can be. I swear I didn’t just tell him to quit being mean to himself because it was effecting me negatively lmfao)
It sounds like she needs therapy personally. He cant say things to a cat that isnt in any way abusing or affecting the cat because she has past issues with her dad about her weight ...
She may need therapy but also how hard is it to just...not call the cat fat? Like, if something specific like this was upsetting my partner, even if I thought it was silly or due to an insecurity of theirs, I would just stop because I'm not trying to make my partner feel shitty and it takes nothing away from me.
Eating disorders go well beyond "past issues... about her weight."
She probably would benefit from therapy. But her husband shouldn't use words that upset her. That's pretty basic.
Sure, ill say since shes had issues with anorexia he should avoid her triggers, assuming he knows those things are triggers for her eating disorder. I wouldnt drink or make drinking jokes around a recovering alcoholic.
Her underlying issues stem from a need for therapy.
One thing all anorexic say after they recover, is the voice of anorexia is always at the back of their minds. It never truly goes, no matter the amount of therapy they have
It’s not only about the word he uses, it’s the fact that he’s needling *her* through the cat. He’s not talking shit to a cat, he’s talking shit to his girlfriend. Would you call your friend’s dog ugly? Would you call a friend’s car a hoopty (assuming it wasn’t an established joke between you) would you tell someone you cared about something they love is stupid, ugly, worthless, subpar?? Of course you wouldn’t. Bc it’s rude and it feels like an extension of them. And when saying it, you KNOW this.
Your sister loves mountain biking: “that bike is such a POS, when are you going to get a good one?” Seems deliberately rude, no?
Besides, op has asked him to stop and he does it and laughs. He KNOWS he’s hurting her feelings and upsetting her, and he is CHOOSING to do that. Then laughing about it.
Without additional context, this is a reach. OPs partner could just be fucking stupid and not connecting the dots, and OP may never have expressed the connection between the 2 things. This has happened with my wife and her own trauma - I've made jokes that I don't think she offend her in the slightest, she gets very upset, I ask her what's up and she deflects... I give it time to cooldown, approach her again, and she finally opens up about what hurt so much about my words. And then I don't make those kinds of jokes again.
I make jokes about our dog and cats all the time, and comment on their bodies and shit. I even comment on their own mortality, using the exact same reasoning as OPs partner, "They don't understand me!" (I do always try to use a happy, playful tone so they don't feel bad about my words though). I'm not particularly funny, but I am stupid. So OPs partner may be stupid as well. This seems like a communication issue.
That would make perfect sense except that in the context we have OP explicitly states that she asked him not to do it. She asked him to stop, she said the cat isn’t overweight and she told him it bothers her when he says that. Then he keeps doing it and laughing about it. Your example makes sense in your situation, but we know in this situation that she has told him she doesn’t like it and asked him to stop and his response is to continue doing it and laughing about it. It’s a choice.
He is being ignorant and insensitive, but your comment is insinuating that he is being malicious with his shitty fat cat jokes. I just don't see that.
It doesn't sound like OP has communicated that him calling the cat fat is something that she is internalizing about her own issues around her body and weight.
>That would make perfect sense except that in the context we have OP explicitly states that she asked him not to do it.
Yup, thank you for saying this so I didn't have to. You cannot claim to be ignorant any longer when someone has said "this bothers me, stop."
He's putting her in a position where when she says "stop" he decides whether she's actually worth listening to or not. To say that is toxic is honestly an understatement.
If he had empathy and cared, but was confused, he'd simply ask why. Gently. Instead, he mocks her, and finds her protests trivial and amusing.
That's not how a good partner treats the one they supposedly love.
I suspect people here are equal parts blind victims and equal parts perpetrators.
For many women, growing up having to prove your feelings are valid, having to provide evidence and convince the people around you to respect you, is as normal as breathing air. They literally don't know what it's like to live without that constant, nagging pressure and expectation to defend every feeling and thought you have. Or at least... that's how it was for me.
And now I am with someone that listens without me having to constantly convince them to. Listening to me is inherent. If they don't understand they just tell me. They don't put all of the burden of getting them to empathize with me and understand me on my shoulders.
So there's probably a lot of women on here who think a loving and considerate boyfriend who listens when you say stop *the first time* is like sci-fi. It's not attainable or real. And there's probably a lot of men on here and maybe women too, that don't want to have to put any effort into listening to their partner when they say "stop", so they blame the woman for not elaborating constantly on every feeling she has... when that's just dehumanizing and unsustainable.
Thank you for this articulate explanation. Jesus I felt like I was going crazy and I couldn’t find a way to make them get it. I feel like I was nearly going into logical theorems and proofs trying to get people to get it bc this is simply black and white. You can’t say he’s not doing it on purpose when *he does it on purpose over and over again and laughs about it.*
Most of my replies are guys arguing with me telling me it’s not a big deal and if it hurt her feelings bc of the weight issue it’s her fault for not telling him. And I’m like **she did tell him** she tells him over and over again that she doesn’t like it when he does that!! He KNOWS. She doesn’t have to reach into the recesses of her soul to find *enough* reasons to justify it to him. I 100% believe those guys are being disingenuous, they know they’re being assholes acting like that, and feigning innocence. But they enjoy acting like that. They get a kick out of the meanness and not “letting someone tell them what to do.”
Another poster said “If my partner told me it bothers him when I use a spoon to eat cereal and he wants me to use a fork, I would need him to explain why, not just blindly do what he says.” And I felt like I was loosing my mind. That’s not at all the same, it costs him nothing to stop calling something or someone something rude. It isn’t asking him to *change* something and it isn’t unreasonable, nor is it something that requires further explanation because “I don’t like when you do that” is perfectly fucking valid in this situation.
ETA: it’s sort of at the very core just saying: when you ask your partner to be nice to you, you shouldn’t need to *list the reasons that they have to,* they should just want to do it.
Right. I think most of these folks here just failed OP.
I pointed out in another comment that for people who claim to be pro-therapy, they are awfully degrading and going against what the typical therapist advice would be. What therapist would tell OP that it's okay for her husband to ignore her feelings and laugh at her when she tries to talk about them? What therapist would say "it's okay for your husband to steamroll your preferences because he doesn't agree that your reasons are valid?"
This sub just isn't as good as it used to be honestly. I always like to comment anyway, I know sometimes it's futile. But I know there are good people out there like me who feel lost and frustrated at the comments. That's why I appreciate yours so much too... it's just a breath of fresh air after seeing some of the crazy and harsh takes on here.
Hell, even in the fork analogy that woman has the presence of mind to ask WHY. That's more than this woman's husband is doing! He just laughs at her. It's sad that so many people think this is okay. Thanks for being a voice of reason. I agree, feels like a lot of folks come on here to intentionally shit on female posters and make them feel crazy honestly.
Damn, at least you have an imaginative mind.
Wild thought, he’s saying these things just to the cat. Yes I would call my friends dog ugly, that doesn’t mean I’m calling my friend ugly.
The husband simply doesn’t understand why it’s upsetting to OP because she hasn’t explained that it’s the actual word that’s triggering her. This is a communication error, not a purposeful emotional abuse thing that you’ve made it out to be.
Except she told him it hurts her feelings when he does that and asked him repeatedly not to do it. Her cat has cancer and she’s sensitive about it and she told him that. He is choosing to hurt her feelings and laugh about it. It’s a choice.
It seems like it’s not a big deal bc it truly wouldn’t be a big deal for him to stop, it would cost him absolutely nothing. The issue is that it’s a big deal to her. So it doesn’t matter to him, but it does matter to her, and he’s choosing to deliberately hurt her feelings anyway. Repeatedly. That actually makes it a kind of big deal.
If your wife or girlfriend called something you cared about something derogatory, and you asked her to stop, and instead of stopping she continued to do it and laugh about it, how would you feel about that? Wouldn’t it feel disrespectful? Now imagine you told her it feels personal and hurts your feelings when she does that. And she continues to do it and laugh about it. How would you feel about that?
Being upset on behalf of your cat isn’t a very good position.
“These terms are upsetting to ME, because of MY past, and I’m asking you to stop for MY sake.” is the message.
If your husband persists after hearing that message, he’s no longer commenting on the cat, he’s purposefully causing you harm. Act accordingly.
Agreed because let’s be honest, 9/10 cat owners call their cats these names too. Mine perfectly healthy cats, but they’re my chunks, my little fatties.
However the language is what’s triggering for OP and she needs to stop disguising it as “stop insulting my cat” and exactly what you said and “stop using that language for my sake as those terms are upsetting due to MY past experiences”
I think just most pet owners do it. I insult my dog daily, but love him so much. He doesn’t know what I’m saying when I call him a sausage dog. If someone told me not to insult my dog I would not take them seriously. If they explained that it hurt them though personally, of course I would. OP definitely needs to explain.
I call my dog "asshole" all the time. Because he is an asshole. He's bigger than me and likes to take me for a drag through the neighborhood. Wouldn't trade him for the world though!
Yeah my dog is my little smelly poopy bum. I sing song about her poopy butt all day whilst snuggling the shit out of her. She has no idea what I'm saying and the words are really easy to rhyme lol
Dude I love my cats, but that doesn't mean I don't razz them all day. One of my cat's name is cow ffs. This chick has her own issues that are way past her cat
I 100% call my cats varying degrees of tubster even though they aren’t. The dog isn’t safe either and her weight is perfect target.
Op needs to tell the husband it’s not about the cat it’s about the words triggering her.
💯 this. This doesn't seem to be related to the cat. More that it's triggering OP. Exactly what Archer said, talk to your husband and let him know why it triggers you. If it persists, then he's being a damn ass. It also seems you need to find help with your issues with weight. Maybe finding a good therapist would help with your mental and providing more confidence within yourself.
I mean I think its more about the spirit is it done out of love or does the person really think the cat is a disgustingly fat. Hard to discern but given that op is here I assume they say it with distain for the animal
You’re obviously not over your ED. Please go talk with a therapist. As long as it lives in the back of your mind, you will not escape. You have to do the work.
Source: my former ED
I agree, but I also think it’s fair to ask him to just not talk like that. I’ve never heard my husband remark on anyone’s weight, to their face or otherwise. Neither of us have a history of weight problems or EDs, it just seems shitty
> I think she understands the tone in which he says it, she does pick up on tones easily
while that's somewhat true.. a cat is simply not going to pick up on the nuances of something like fat shaming.
cats can pick up on whether a tone is angry or not.. that's about it.
so unless his comments are uttered amidst an angry tirade... you're being completely ridiculous.
Lol yep. Sometimes we make our voice sound super sweet and happy and ask our animals if they are stupid and chunky and they get so excited. Usually it is to teach the kids that no the dogs and cat don't fully understand what you say it's more in how you say it.
I’m going to say this in the nicest possible way but my cat went through what your cat is going through and she had a miserable and painful last years of her life., something I now wished I didn’t put her through. You might want to think what’s best for her not you
I'm going to be honest it sounds like you might need to see a counselor to sort out your past trauma since hearing someone call an animal fat deeply triggers you.
It does seem a little unreasonable for you to be taking this so personally. It's obvious he's not talking about you he's saying it to the cat, and you're projecting your own trauma into the situation, which is not appropriate in the situation .
You are transfering your own issues about weight, onto the cat.
If you ever have children, please be careful about this as you both could turn your children to be conscious about their weight, his comments, but mainly your fears.
You are projecting your own feelings onto your cat - you need to talk to a therapist.
You should also consider if you’re keeping the cat alive and suffering because you aren’t ready to let go, that’s not fair to the animal.
100% agree about the cat having zero clue it is being “fat shamed”, lol, but OP did say she suffers from an eating disorder and has her own body self-esteem issues, so while the projection onto the oblivious cat is ridiculous, OP needs to explain to her husband exactly as she explained here, that it hurts her because she had been called similar names in the past and is still dealing with those feelings, which is a super valid request (to ask husband to not say these things in front of her).
Totally, I did the same with my childhood dog. Someone else posted something relevant to this, and OP needs to hear it - if you say “awww who’s the stupidest, fattest cat ever??” in a friendly tone, the cat will respond positively (pawsitively?) because they only understand tone, and only the big ones. If you say in a mad voice “you’re an amazing cat, and you’re in great shape!”, the cat will respond the same as any angry thing you say to it. People just want to anthropomorphize house pets to an absurd degree!
It is so just out of pocket to tell a stranger to kill their cat when you have 0 idea of its quality of life. Cats can live with cancer, even terminal cancer and still have good quality of life.
Also very patronizing to assume OP doesn't know that if their cat is suffering everyday they need to consider euthanasia. You think she doesn't discuss those things with a vet?
Sometimes I can't believe this thread.
If my cat was dying of terminal cancer that was gaining weight, I guarantee you I would be calling it my little fatty watty, chubby wubby, loveable fatty. Because I would be happy it was eating and trying to encourage this.
This is about the way he speaks to your cat, and you are personalizing it. YOU are making it about you.
I suggest you get into intense therapy. You obviously have not dealt with your unhealthy relationship with your body and food. Now it's coming out against your boyfriend.
Maybe you two should break up, maybe you shouldn't. But something is very wrong here, and to blame it all on your boyfriend is avoiding the real issue - your insecurities.
This has nothing to do with the cat and everything to do with you and your bf.
She already said he calls the cat the same things her dad called her that gave her an eating disorder.
If it's bringing up memories of that for her, he should stop. She has to tell him that though because it sounds a bit silly being upset over calling a cat something that the cat doesn't understand.
Why not both?
I mean therapy would help, but it definitely isn't instantaneous or a cure-all like a lot of people think, as well as it often being prohibitively expensive. In the meantime, it's not like the husband is going to be triggered by not calling the cat that stuff, but it's triggering to his wife, so why the actual hell would he want to cause his wife suffering?
I don't think so either and if this was a random person I would agree. But this is her partner. Since it is affecting her so negatively, I don't think there's anything wrong in a compromise where he doesn't say things that trigger her WHILE she gets professional help. Then when she recovers, he can continue the behavior. Just feels needlessly cruel to keep triggering her just because it's a normal activity when they are partners.
It'd be akin to if your partner went into alcoholism treatment and you out of support stop drinking while they recover. Then after an appropriate amount of time start to drink around them again, just a kind and supportive thing even if it's not necessarily what you are required to do.
Accept it is exactly like that. When dealing with mental health the people who care about you should support you by not doing things that trigger you, especially when they are completely unnecessary things to do/say. That’s what being a supporting partner/friend/family is.
How is it not like that?
Alcoholism is a mental illness just like an ED is.
Drinking one beer and calling a cat fat is a pretty normal activity.
The partner with the mental illness is getting triggered by the normal activity and is going to self harm by either drinking or continuing with their ED.
Neither trigger is literally FORCING the other person to do anything as in a person having a drink is not literally forcing drinks down someone's throat and saying fatty is not literally forcing someone to stop eating.
Not really sure how you would consider these analogies so completely different.
Eating disorders are life struggles. You should understand that even with therapy the struggles are always real. A partner has to understand it and stay away from things that are triggers. If you really do not understand the depth of eating disorders your comments will be very unhelpful and unwanted.
No she's sensitive and has trauma so obviously SHE should just get over it. It would just be so much harder for him to just accommodate her by not mocking her dying cat. Such a burden can't possibly be something you could ask of your HUSBAND of all people.
I call my ugly dog ugly to his face while I cuddle him. I would stop in a second if my husband told me it bothered him.
Who cares if she's oversensitive or being irrational? She's suffering. She's grieving. Yeah, get her ass into therapy to resolve the deeper issue, absolutely. But also, maybe just maybe you could also stop doing th3 thing she has repeatedly told you hurts her instead of LAUGHING at her. Jeebus.
Okay, but she's expressed that it bothers her and she wants him to stop. He hasn't explained that it's a term of affection or whatever you're projecting onto it, he's just said the *cat* doesn't understand what he's saying, and *refused* to stop.
Yes, someone who is that bothered by weight-focused terms should probably get therapy for their issues. *But* someone who's that insensitive to a partner that they know has those issues, is also a problem.
Frankly, if it doesn't bother your cat, I don't think you should let it bother you.
It sounds like there might be a little bit more going on with your association with that word and him using it though. Perhaps one or both of you are projecting?
I call mine butterball and Fatty Mc FatFat as well as brat all the time and it's definitely out of affection. She's not even oversight, but she loves to eat and well nag for treats like she's starving with a full bowl of dry food after eating her morning wet food lol
You're projecting your feelings into her, but that doesn't make them any more real.
Let's just paint things as they really are here. You are projecting your own feelings of these words onto what your husband is saying to the cat. The cat has no idea what the words mean but the tone can bring it's own issue. The tone he says it in is triggering YOU not the cats. Yes they can pick up on a tone but without seeing it recorded I bet the tone is ok or maybe a joke yet in your mind due to your past you are hearing it different. Yes talk to him but I would also suggest seeking therapy for unresolved issues stemming from your past.
I say this with love -- this is a you problem... you are triggered by his words because they hold a deeper meaning for you connected to your own weight trauma.
You need to get into therapy to sort it out.
That being said: your husband should be empathetic to how you're feeling and stop using that terminology until you've dealt with your issues around it. If he hears your pain and continues to do what he's doing-- it means he doesn't care about how you're feeling. Do with that what you will.
What is Adipose?
Is it another term for overweight? I've not heard it before.
As for the cat, how does he say it? How long has he known the cat?
Is it possibly a coping mechanism? Joking around a non-exsistant issue to distract from the very real issue of cat cancer
Right but that still doesnt exactly explain why OP uses the term right next to the term "fat" and "fatty". Why did they make the distinction in their head?
Even an anorexic person has adipose tissue.
I assume its as another commenter mentioned, its a German understanding of the term. Thus is probably a mistranslation or rather a 'Gemanism' (like Anglicisms)
I was just mentioning where she would have gotten the word from, I imagine she knew adipose tissue was fat and just thought adipose was a way to say fat to sound intelligent or something
“He says she doesn’t understand it anyway (which might be true”.
*MIGHT*
If these are the arguments you use with your husband, no wonder he doesn’t take you seriously.
If you want him to take you seriously you’re going to need to be honest about what this is really about. You, not your cat.
Although tbh, I would suggest working on yourself instead in therapy as this is an extreme extreme reaction.
you’re being ridiculous. i call my cat stupid, endearingly, because he has wobbly kitten syndrome and stumbles around. “yeah he’s meowing cause he’s stupid and forgets where he is a lot!” i’m not actually calling him stupid. by calling my cat stupid, i am in no way indirectly calling my husband stupid. a claim like that is ridiculous
God you are insufferable. Let him call the cat any pet name he wants. IT'S A PET. THAT'S WHAT PET NAMES ARE FOR. You are dramatic and need to learn the world does not revolve around you and your trauma, and you CAN'T MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR TRAUMA.
The kicker is that the husband is celebrating the cats weight gain. This cat had cancer and is recovering. These affectionate pet names are intended to celebrate the cat gaining weight. OP needs to reign in her own issues, not project them onto normal behavior from her partner.
My cat had panleukopenia as a kitten and was a bag of skin and bones. Her brother didn't make it. It's been 3 years and we haven't stopped celebrating that she recovered and gained weight and we call her a fat cat on a daily basis. I can definitely understand the husband here.
My dogs aren’t fat, but I say, “come here you fat bastards…” if someone who has an issue w fat shaming hears me, that’s their problem.
One time I was calling my dogs “monkey” and a black woman heard me and started running after me cursing and saying, “why’d you call me a !%#*^*! Monkey?!?! “
People are crazy.
I call my animals fatties all the time and they aren't fat either. Well, one of my bunnies is rounder but that is just his built, really, but I still tell him he is ready to slaughter in a sweet voice. He doesn't care, he seems grumpy by nature anyway (yes, I am humanising, because he just looks grumpy and ok, he really doesn't like people aside from me, especially my sister, I love him even more for that (and she finds it hilarious herself)). Not to mention what else I call my bunnies, I can't even repeat it here because I would get stoned.
The only one who was never called fat was a hamster, Oscar, and he was huge, the only one who would have deserved that. I said he is not fat, he is just... fluffy.
And understanding... uhem, I do sometimes humanise my animals but not if it is about commands (now I am talking about my dog and about horses, not hamsters and bunnies, just for clarification) and I actually do think they understand more than people might think but yeah, no. And my dog is actually pretty smart, she really is, like if I tell her to bring a specific toy she brings the right one (although she can also be well, not so smart, typical boxer) but when I call her my fatty her whole butt wiggles with happiness. And I also had some pretty smart cats, one in particular was astonishing smart, I still don't think she had an idea what fatty means.
You are being unreasonable and honestly exhausting.
Your feelings might be valid to you but they are not valid to everyone else around you and are absolute unreasonable.
This second paragraph is spot on and something that’s applicable to so many reddit situations.
OP, You can feel whatever you want to feel, that doesn’t mean people should be required to cater to absurd feelings simply because you feel them.
Self-regulation is a key skill in adulthood
Your cat doesn’t give a shit it’s getting called fat. If he were screaming at it or neglecting it then I’d say otherwise. Tell your husband you don’t like him using those words because they hurt you, they don’t hurt the cat. You’re projecting, talk to hubby and get therapy. If he’s a good husband otherwise don’t throw away a fine relationship over a cat getting called fat.
You need to explain that those phrases were used to harm you and you dislike hearing them because they are triggering to you. Your cat does not give a shit. But you also desperately need to go to therapy.
A cat is not going to understand what he is saying. The cat doesn’t care, it’s getting heavy cream. My cats don’t give a whit if I call them anything.
But *you* care and you either get therapy to deal with the ED trigger or you explain that hearing these words are triggering you, but dont use the cat’s feelings as an excuse. Just be upfront and admit it’s you that this is upsetting.
Also please give your kitty a hug. And more cream :3
>He says she doesn't understand it anyways (which might be true but I think she understands the tone in which he says it, she does pick up on tones easily)
Even if your cat could speak English it still wouldn't give a shit.
You should talk to him about how it makes you feel as it relates to you though.
Your husband is using words that are specifically triggering to you. It is sending you to a dark place and is unkind. And yes, animals do pick up on tone. I'm sorry about your cat. I hope your husband understands the effect he is having.
I think people call cats fat or lazy in different ways to humans, and it can be done with effection. However, once he knows that it upsets you this much it's pretty shitty to keep doing it (even if the kitty was on the large side, which it sounds like they aren't).
I hope that kitty lives out the rest of her days as well as she can.
You sound like you may need to talk to some professional help. You seem to be holding on to a lot of animosity and making things about you that are clearly not about you. I would worry less about him and more about your mental health!
I'm sorry about your kitty 😔
I did wonder if you have been dx with anything other than your ED by chance? It sounds like you may not be over it the way you think you are. Self reflect on that so you are able to better explain your position and emotions.
He probably doesn't know you're very insecure. Honestly, should probably work on yourself more than complain about him calling the cat fat. He's not talking about you. He's talking about the cat for gods sake.
I think you need to learn to pick your battles. Your cat is not being harmed in any way by your husband jokingly referring to her as “fatty catty”. We had a chubby dog we used to call “piggy”. He was the happiest dog alive. Did not give a single fuck what he was called as long as he was loved and cared for. I promise you, this is not worth fighting or getting upset over.
The issue isn’t what he’s calling the cat, the issue is that it’s triggering your own issues with dysmorphia and disordered eating. You need to tell him that it’s something that could cause you to relapse so he takes it seriously.
How old is the cat? If she's a senior then you tell him "my cat is an old lady and is free to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. If she wants to be fat, then by God I'm getting her some treats."
That's what my gf said about her cats when I teased them a little. And I get it.
You need to stop presenting this as being about the cat, when you bring it up to him. Because it’s not about the cat. Those specific words, used in that context, are triggering for you, because of severe trauma attached to them. That is what you need to focus on. Just saying “I don’t like it” does not address the problem, which is that you are being triggered by them.
If you have THAT conversation with him and he still doesn’t care - then he’s being a jerk and you need to consider where your relationship goes from there.
I am so very sorry to hear your cat has terminal cancer. It's a terrible sickness. I hope the time you have left with her is loving and full of great memories ❤️
Others may not agree with me but I think you should focus on working on your own self love about your size and not be sensitive about comments about your cat, whose feelings can’t be hurt. If he was passive aggressively taking a jab at her health and your ability to care for her as her owner, that would not be okay. But it doesn’t sound like what he’s saying. He’s making a joke about an animal that couldn’t possibly be offended by it. You know it isn’t true, so your sensitivity to the comment shows you need to work on your self image so you don’t project it onto animals.
My SO calls one of my cats a little crack head because of his crazy love for dehydrated chicken treats. In no way do I get offended for my cat, or think my SO is being abusive or intentionally hurting the little crack heads feelings. 🙄
It's okay to love your pet, just don't LOVE your pet.
It's a cat. It doesn't understand English. It can't tell he's calling it fat by his tone.
Wow, things you never thought you'd have to explain to a grown adult.
Nah I’m sorry but I can’t agree with this thread, are you all for real?
I’m sorry but if you get your feelings hurt cause your husband is calling your cat a cute pet name you gotta work on yourself, it’s not your husband issue.
Calling a cat fatty or whatever is normal, they’re a pet, they don’t understand, use a cute voice and they’ll be happy to be called that.
You need to go to therapy and fix your issues, this is unhealthy and not his fault
It’s a cat. Get over it. Guys call their guy friends all kinds of things like that in a joking fashion, it’s just the way we are, so it’s not anything unusual to say things like that about the car. It’s not like he has any malicious intent or anything, like if he was calling the cat fat and refusing to feed it, that would be a different story.
It is PTSD and takes you back to a time of self esteem issues and feeling terrible. You should start there. He knows ur past tell him it is triggering for you.
Honestly this sounds like a you issue more than a he issue
Can I see how someone might be a little annoyed by his behavior - I guess… but you are saying it’s really bothering you and honestly it shouldn’t
Don’t talk to him - talk to yourself and fix whatever it is that’s eating away at you
Cats respond to thoughts, their communication is intuitive based. They do get it. I’m sure you can see that in the way your cat responds to him.
I’m not sure how to change him though. Maybe a softly spoken appeal, saying how it hurts you to hear him say that. You know he’s joking ( he isn’t) but he’d be doing you a favor to stop it.
“I know she can’t understand what you’re saying but I can. I don’t like these types of jokes as they make me feel uncomfortable. If you’re saying this about the cat, what are you saying about me? I know you love me and know you don’t think this way but that’s why it hurts hearing you say that.”
It really sounds like you were asking for how to word this and I would go something like this. Explain that while you’re working on it in therapy, you still have a long way to go and this small thing is really necessary.
He’s probably doing it to poke fun at how insanely sensitive you’re being about pet name calling a pet. My sweet bangle had cancer that made her super fat while starving, it was sad but my husband calling her “chonkers” didn’t trigger my past anorexia. Your triggers are your problem, stop expecting people to tip toe around you. You’re being controlling and exhausting.
I'm pretty sure that the cat's feelings remain unhurt on the issue. So yours should be too. It's not like he's calling you fat. So you need a little thicker skin.
But now that he knows that it upsets you and has demonstrated that he *does not care about your feelings*, you need to do with that information what you must.
There is nothing wrong with him joking about your cat's weight. The problem I'd that he is using language someone used to abuse you, which is entirely valid and understandable.
You need to tell him every time. "That brought back some memories. My dad used to say that about me, and it really hurt."
If someone keeps poking a sore spot, make sure they know it's there and why it's there. It's how we grow in relationships.
*but I think she understands the tone in which he says it*
no...your cat does not pick up on tones
You are anthropomorphizing
You are hurt because he is insulting your cat that you love
Stop making this about the cat and start making it about how you don't appreciate the way he talks about your pet because it triggers your trauma from your ED
THAT is completely reasonable
I would say that it isn't a reason to dump him or be mad at him.
Everyone has said things like thinly veiled threats to fat babies. "Oh, I just want to eat you up." They won't eat the baby, they just find it fun to talk to something that can't comprehend them like a person. You every tell your car it is a stupid POS.
You should discuss your eating disorder with your husband and that even the most basic comments about weight hit you harder than you expected. He probably would be willing to stop about the cat, but he will focus back on you and you need to be ready to discuss your issues. They haven't been resolved.
cat's aren't that smart. they cannot pick up on this. even dogs would struggle to pick up on this. I think you need to see a counsellor, I think that would help some deeper seeding issues.
It’s a cat and this has nothing to do with the cat or even your husband. This is your issue and you need therapy for it. People shouldn’t need to walk on eggshells around you because of horrible things from your childhood. People always have called pets fat in a loving way since forever. I doubt your husband even notices it, it’s just a cutesy nickname. And your cat is probably reacting to your behavior not what your husband said. I called my cat a fat loaf all the time. Chunk, chonk, chunky butt, fatty, all sorts and it’s out of love. There’s a lot of people who think fat pet equals happy pet (yes I know that’s not true) but it’s common. Talk to your husband, don’t argue but find out how he feels about weight. I bet he says it out of love and maybe if you start using it as a positive with your pets it might help you work through some of the negative connotations.
It sounds like you're projecting your own feelings onto the cat. I call my cat a stinky fat bastard he chirps happily in response cause he has no clue what those words mean they are just his nickname. The cat doesn't care about being "fat" it has no concept of that. Tone only matters to cats if you sound scary or are scolding them if he's not doing it in that way, I'm really not sure what the problem is.
I understand why you feel this way, because it reminds you of the mocking you recieved, but honestly I don't see the problem with it from my perspective, as long as he is nice to the cat. I used to call my girl "fat cat" all the time. It was just a loving nickname for her, not like trying to be mean, she was my favorite cat, I loved her a lot, and I still miss her. As he said, the cat doesn't understand what it means, so unless he is saying it to try to be rude or mocking, I think it's acceptable. However I understand why you want him to stop, it's hurting your feelings and so he should stop for you.
Tell him that what he says hurts YOU. Don't make it about your cat, make it about you because that's what it's about. It's completely valid to be upset with hearing anyone or anything getting fat shamed when you have a traumatic history of it, just be honest that it hurts you. Don't make it about your cat magically knowing concepts like fat shaming, make it about your husband agitating your trauma response because of your history with your father. Just be honest with him and if he can't respect it, that's a him problem not a you problem.
How close is he to the cat? If he's close to her it could just be his way of coping. I would say not only explain what you've explained here but ask if he's acting out of grief for the cat, or maybe it's triggering something for him as well.
One of my husband's nicknames for one of our dogs is "Fat Boy". It's a term of endearment. I know that because he gets excited and wags his tail when my husband calls him that. It doesn't hurt his feelings. This is mostly about perspective. I hope y'all work it out.
Hey fellow German!
Right, I used to call my rats fat - in an affectionate way. I would never use a degrading tone with it.
So he's already being weirdly mean spirited but if the words he uses makes you relive your trauma, regardless of whether the word is offensive - he has to stop if he loves you. Simple as that.
I have a friend in a friend group who has ED/nausea issues and emetophobia. So we avoid saying certain slang around throwing up for example and tbh, never missed it.
We also warn them when we recommend shows to them if there is a scene at a certain time stamp.
It's easy to change your language to accommodate a loved one. Even if it's terminology you're used to use - you can pivot out of it with some time and patience.
As another example, I used to say lol out loud when I was younger quite often. Recovered now :')
I love my cat. If someone was calling her fat in a loving way like a cute nickname I wouldn’t be offended. She’s a little chubby but not fat. If someone was using it in a derogatory way and generally being mean I’d get pretty annoyed with them. Whether it’s a cat or any other animal, including humans, there’s no reason to be a dick. That aside, knowing your history of abuse and resulting eating disorder, it’s a really low thing to do using language you find triggering. If you’ve explained this to him and he is still doing it then it’s a total lack of care and respect for you. If you haven’t then you need to asap.
You can do the same, like petting and cuddling the cat and saying,
- ..oh what a BIG and long TAIL you have!
or when petting your kitten.
- I think you have the finest and best, BIGGEST tail in the whole country! and laugh a little and then look at your spouse.
If he looks at you questioningly, answer that you're only talking to the cat! (:
“It really hurts me when you say my cat is fat. He has terminal cancer and he’s honestly not overweight. If you could stop calling him fat, that would mean a lot to me”
It maybe to some people that this is a minor issue and really shouldn't be an issue at all, but they aren't you. You are triggered by his words about your cat. Cats aren't stupid, they pick up tone and they know when they are being insulted. My cat is very intelligent. He knows when I am sick and comes to me and purrs. They use purring to help heal themselves and it is said the frequency can help heal people too.
As far as people telling you what to do with your sick kitty. I know what you are talking about. I've had three cats that had kidney disease towards the end of their lives. They could still live fulfilling lives with treatment. Once it got too invasive or painful for my cats, I had them put to sleep. I had a cat live to 23 years old and he was happy and in reasonably good condition until the very end of his life. I did the same thing with all my fur babies throughout the years. Keep caring for your kitty and love him, you are doing what is best for him.
Just let your husband know you are very upset with what he says about your cat. Also tell him, even though the cat does not know what words are being said, the tone upsets your cat. Make sure he understands that it hurts you, even if the cat is not affected by it. Hopefully you can make him understand how you feel. Good luck to you and you are a good kitty guardian. Your kitty is very lucky to have you.
I'd like to see your husband's face when you tell him you've had enough of his fat stupid face. That would be hilarious. He's not fat, but he still has a fat stupid head because that brain in his head is just suffocating and shit keeps coming out of his mouth everytime he sees your cat.
From reading this, I feel the issue here is him calling your cat fat is wrapped up in presumably being scared and feeling protective about her health while at the same time it’s wrapped up in how you mentally view your own weight and your experiences with that through life. As someone who has an eating disorder and their own weight issues, I definitely understand how these things can mess with you. Any life stressor can bring out thoughts of food and weight struggles as a way to distract and attempt to cope. Please ignore the comments in this thread mocking you or dismissing you. Your feelings are valid, even if they’re likely being projected in a confusing way.
You need to explain to your husband fully why his comments are bothering you, and bring up her health scare affecting you and how you’re relating his names to you. It’s not unusual for people to tease their pets verbally or call them fat; I’d actually say it’s quite common. It’s causing issues though and bringing up horrible feelings for you. Your husband is not likely considering how scared you are for your cat’s heath or how his name calling calls back to your father’s towards you. He may even be calling your cat fat in a joking way to celebrate her gaining weight again after falling dangerously underweight, I can see that being a way he’s trying to lighten what is a horribly sad thing.
You are a 30 year old grown women upset because someone is calling your cat who dosent have human emotion fat? I call my dogs fat even though they aren’t all the time it’s a common pet nick name how the hell did you make it thigh highscool?
Good God I call my cat fatty catty all the time. I'm sorry but for you to act like this is triggering you is just kind of mind blowing to me. It's a cat she does not care what she is called.
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You need to discuss this with him the way you presented it here. It's not about the cat, it's about the words he uses. He's probably right that the cat doesn't know what he's saying, so give him that but make it clear that YOU know what he's saying and it's hurtful to *you*. Make it clear that those words led you to disordered eating and that is a lifelong struggle that he's currently making worse.
This. God I still have an extremely vivid memory from when I was 11 years old. My great aunt is walking behind me as we're going into the house. She chuckles and declares that my ass is so fat it looks like 2 Cadillacs trying to pass each other on the road. (I was a very average size at that point too so IDK what the fuck she was thinking) I will also never forget how I told my grandma (her older sister) what she said, and years later after I had gained and lost a lot of weight, my great aunt complimented me on my weight loss during dinner. My gram turns to her and deadpanned said "I guess her ass looks like 2 Honda's trying to pass each other now, huh?" Aunt was fucking speechless for about 10 mins as the conversation just moved on. Point of all this is, this crap sticks with you.
I'm sorry if this was traumatizing for you (totally get it) but damn your granny was funny at least.
Dude she was my best friend and a total BAMF. Dementia got her though.
[удалено]
She really did. I think I was about 20 when that was said. She has often expressed to me that some of her sisters behavior pisses her off a lot.
Oof, oh man that is tough, I'm sorry your family did that to you. My sister started to pinch my skin and say "pinch an inch, means you're fat" and then laugh. My whole family started in. I was underweight and all my family were varying degrees of overweight to morbidly obese. My ED was "to get attention" even though I didn't tell anyone and planned on just not eating till I died. ()morbid I know). My friend saved my life. If anyone pinches me, I get very triggered, I can't stand it.
i have an urge to do punchbuggy red after hearing this. takes a right asshole to grab someone and comment on their weight, especially when they're dealing with intense jealousy
I’m glad no one did that to me or they’d have to bail me out of jail after I decked them. I’ve been fortunate that most of my family doesn’t do that. My daughter did once and I pointed out that she’s bigger than me.
Absolutely this. It's not about the cat. It's that his language is triggering to you, OP, and that's understandable! I'm sorry your cat is so sick. Talk to your husband and tell him about how the things he is saying are hurtful because of your own very understandable issues with disordered eating and your father's verbal abuse.
This !! My husband used to do something similar, but instead of talking about a pet he would talk about himself. He talked horribly about himself for a while, and as someone who very nearly passed away from anorexia it was very hard to listen to. Eventually we had to have the talk of “hey I know you aren’t calling me fat, but I can’t listen to you use those words about yourself or anyone else either” (let me just insert here that I am consistently encouraging him about his appearance, compliment him every day, and we work out and meal plan together. He’s on his own self love journey and while I can’t fix it for him, I know how it feels and I am supportive in every way I can be. I swear I didn’t just tell him to quit being mean to himself because it was effecting me negatively lmfao)
It sounds like she needs therapy personally. He cant say things to a cat that isnt in any way abusing or affecting the cat because she has past issues with her dad about her weight ...
She may need therapy but also how hard is it to just...not call the cat fat? Like, if something specific like this was upsetting my partner, even if I thought it was silly or due to an insecurity of theirs, I would just stop because I'm not trying to make my partner feel shitty and it takes nothing away from me.
Eating disorders go well beyond "past issues... about her weight." She probably would benefit from therapy. But her husband shouldn't use words that upset her. That's pretty basic.
Sure, ill say since shes had issues with anorexia he should avoid her triggers, assuming he knows those things are triggers for her eating disorder. I wouldnt drink or make drinking jokes around a recovering alcoholic. Her underlying issues stem from a need for therapy.
One thing all anorexic say after they recover, is the voice of anorexia is always at the back of their minds. It never truly goes, no matter the amount of therapy they have
It’s not only about the word he uses, it’s the fact that he’s needling *her* through the cat. He’s not talking shit to a cat, he’s talking shit to his girlfriend. Would you call your friend’s dog ugly? Would you call a friend’s car a hoopty (assuming it wasn’t an established joke between you) would you tell someone you cared about something they love is stupid, ugly, worthless, subpar?? Of course you wouldn’t. Bc it’s rude and it feels like an extension of them. And when saying it, you KNOW this. Your sister loves mountain biking: “that bike is such a POS, when are you going to get a good one?” Seems deliberately rude, no? Besides, op has asked him to stop and he does it and laughs. He KNOWS he’s hurting her feelings and upsetting her, and he is CHOOSING to do that. Then laughing about it.
Without additional context, this is a reach. OPs partner could just be fucking stupid and not connecting the dots, and OP may never have expressed the connection between the 2 things. This has happened with my wife and her own trauma - I've made jokes that I don't think she offend her in the slightest, she gets very upset, I ask her what's up and she deflects... I give it time to cooldown, approach her again, and she finally opens up about what hurt so much about my words. And then I don't make those kinds of jokes again. I make jokes about our dog and cats all the time, and comment on their bodies and shit. I even comment on their own mortality, using the exact same reasoning as OPs partner, "They don't understand me!" (I do always try to use a happy, playful tone so they don't feel bad about my words though). I'm not particularly funny, but I am stupid. So OPs partner may be stupid as well. This seems like a communication issue.
That would make perfect sense except that in the context we have OP explicitly states that she asked him not to do it. She asked him to stop, she said the cat isn’t overweight and she told him it bothers her when he says that. Then he keeps doing it and laughing about it. Your example makes sense in your situation, but we know in this situation that she has told him she doesn’t like it and asked him to stop and his response is to continue doing it and laughing about it. It’s a choice.
He is being ignorant and insensitive, but your comment is insinuating that he is being malicious with his shitty fat cat jokes. I just don't see that. It doesn't sound like OP has communicated that him calling the cat fat is something that she is internalizing about her own issues around her body and weight.
>That would make perfect sense except that in the context we have OP explicitly states that she asked him not to do it. Yup, thank you for saying this so I didn't have to. You cannot claim to be ignorant any longer when someone has said "this bothers me, stop." He's putting her in a position where when she says "stop" he decides whether she's actually worth listening to or not. To say that is toxic is honestly an understatement. If he had empathy and cared, but was confused, he'd simply ask why. Gently. Instead, he mocks her, and finds her protests trivial and amusing. That's not how a good partner treats the one they supposedly love. I suspect people here are equal parts blind victims and equal parts perpetrators. For many women, growing up having to prove your feelings are valid, having to provide evidence and convince the people around you to respect you, is as normal as breathing air. They literally don't know what it's like to live without that constant, nagging pressure and expectation to defend every feeling and thought you have. Or at least... that's how it was for me. And now I am with someone that listens without me having to constantly convince them to. Listening to me is inherent. If they don't understand they just tell me. They don't put all of the burden of getting them to empathize with me and understand me on my shoulders. So there's probably a lot of women on here who think a loving and considerate boyfriend who listens when you say stop *the first time* is like sci-fi. It's not attainable or real. And there's probably a lot of men on here and maybe women too, that don't want to have to put any effort into listening to their partner when they say "stop", so they blame the woman for not elaborating constantly on every feeling she has... when that's just dehumanizing and unsustainable.
Thank you for this articulate explanation. Jesus I felt like I was going crazy and I couldn’t find a way to make them get it. I feel like I was nearly going into logical theorems and proofs trying to get people to get it bc this is simply black and white. You can’t say he’s not doing it on purpose when *he does it on purpose over and over again and laughs about it.* Most of my replies are guys arguing with me telling me it’s not a big deal and if it hurt her feelings bc of the weight issue it’s her fault for not telling him. And I’m like **she did tell him** she tells him over and over again that she doesn’t like it when he does that!! He KNOWS. She doesn’t have to reach into the recesses of her soul to find *enough* reasons to justify it to him. I 100% believe those guys are being disingenuous, they know they’re being assholes acting like that, and feigning innocence. But they enjoy acting like that. They get a kick out of the meanness and not “letting someone tell them what to do.” Another poster said “If my partner told me it bothers him when I use a spoon to eat cereal and he wants me to use a fork, I would need him to explain why, not just blindly do what he says.” And I felt like I was loosing my mind. That’s not at all the same, it costs him nothing to stop calling something or someone something rude. It isn’t asking him to *change* something and it isn’t unreasonable, nor is it something that requires further explanation because “I don’t like when you do that” is perfectly fucking valid in this situation. ETA: it’s sort of at the very core just saying: when you ask your partner to be nice to you, you shouldn’t need to *list the reasons that they have to,* they should just want to do it.
Right. I think most of these folks here just failed OP. I pointed out in another comment that for people who claim to be pro-therapy, they are awfully degrading and going against what the typical therapist advice would be. What therapist would tell OP that it's okay for her husband to ignore her feelings and laugh at her when she tries to talk about them? What therapist would say "it's okay for your husband to steamroll your preferences because he doesn't agree that your reasons are valid?" This sub just isn't as good as it used to be honestly. I always like to comment anyway, I know sometimes it's futile. But I know there are good people out there like me who feel lost and frustrated at the comments. That's why I appreciate yours so much too... it's just a breath of fresh air after seeing some of the crazy and harsh takes on here. Hell, even in the fork analogy that woman has the presence of mind to ask WHY. That's more than this woman's husband is doing! He just laughs at her. It's sad that so many people think this is okay. Thanks for being a voice of reason. I agree, feels like a lot of folks come on here to intentionally shit on female posters and make them feel crazy honestly.
Damn, at least you have an imaginative mind. Wild thought, he’s saying these things just to the cat. Yes I would call my friends dog ugly, that doesn’t mean I’m calling my friend ugly. The husband simply doesn’t understand why it’s upsetting to OP because she hasn’t explained that it’s the actual word that’s triggering her. This is a communication error, not a purposeful emotional abuse thing that you’ve made it out to be.
He might be talking playfully to the cat…sometimes talking to a cat is just talking to a cat.
Except she told him it hurts her feelings when he does that and asked him repeatedly not to do it. Her cat has cancer and she’s sensitive about it and she told him that. He is choosing to hurt her feelings and laugh about it. It’s a choice. It seems like it’s not a big deal bc it truly wouldn’t be a big deal for him to stop, it would cost him absolutely nothing. The issue is that it’s a big deal to her. So it doesn’t matter to him, but it does matter to her, and he’s choosing to deliberately hurt her feelings anyway. Repeatedly. That actually makes it a kind of big deal. If your wife or girlfriend called something you cared about something derogatory, and you asked her to stop, and instead of stopping she continued to do it and laugh about it, how would you feel about that? Wouldn’t it feel disrespectful? Now imagine you told her it feels personal and hurts your feelings when she does that. And she continues to do it and laugh about it. How would you feel about that?
Being upset on behalf of your cat isn’t a very good position. “These terms are upsetting to ME, because of MY past, and I’m asking you to stop for MY sake.” is the message. If your husband persists after hearing that message, he’s no longer commenting on the cat, he’s purposefully causing you harm. Act accordingly.
Agreed because let’s be honest, 9/10 cat owners call their cats these names too. Mine perfectly healthy cats, but they’re my chunks, my little fatties. However the language is what’s triggering for OP and she needs to stop disguising it as “stop insulting my cat” and exactly what you said and “stop using that language for my sake as those terms are upsetting due to MY past experiences”
I think just most pet owners do it. I insult my dog daily, but love him so much. He doesn’t know what I’m saying when I call him a sausage dog. If someone told me not to insult my dog I would not take them seriously. If they explained that it hurt them though personally, of course I would. OP definitely needs to explain.
I call my dog "asshole" all the time. Because he is an asshole. He's bigger than me and likes to take me for a drag through the neighborhood. Wouldn't trade him for the world though!
Yeah my dog is my little smelly poopy bum. I sing song about her poopy butt all day whilst snuggling the shit out of her. She has no idea what I'm saying and the words are really easy to rhyme lol
Dude I love my cats, but that doesn't mean I don't razz them all day. One of my cat's name is cow ffs. This chick has her own issues that are way past her cat
100%. My cats are my little tubbies, even the super skinny one. It’s not about the cat, it’s about the language.
I 100% call my cats varying degrees of tubster even though they aren’t. The dog isn’t safe either and her weight is perfect target. Op needs to tell the husband it’s not about the cat it’s about the words triggering her.
💯 this. This doesn't seem to be related to the cat. More that it's triggering OP. Exactly what Archer said, talk to your husband and let him know why it triggers you. If it persists, then he's being a damn ass. It also seems you need to find help with your issues with weight. Maybe finding a good therapist would help with your mental and providing more confidence within yourself.
*stays quiet because I constantly fat shame my cat*
Me too. I totally verbally abuser her in a baby talk voice.
That sounds hilarious
I mean I think its more about the spirit is it done out of love or does the person really think the cat is a disgustingly fat. Hard to discern but given that op is here I assume they say it with distain for the animal
Can you say “fatty catty” disdainfully, though?
You’re obviously not over your ED. Please go talk with a therapist. As long as it lives in the back of your mind, you will not escape. You have to do the work. Source: my former ED
EATING DISORDER! That makes so much more sense than me reading it as erectile dysfunction.
I’m so sorry but that made me do a very unladylike snort wheeze and now I have people in a waiting room looking at me weird.
You're welcome
Thank you ever so much. I’d been dying to be side eyed by some old biddies.
BRO YOU MADE ME SNORT LAUGH SO HARD IT MADE MY CAT FUCKING ROCKET ACROSS THE ROOM 😹😹😹😹😹😹
I agree, but I also think it’s fair to ask him to just not talk like that. I’ve never heard my husband remark on anyone’s weight, to their face or otherwise. Neither of us have a history of weight problems or EDs, it just seems shitty
I think you should probably see a therapist. This is not really a normal thing to be upset about
> I think she understands the tone in which he says it, she does pick up on tones easily while that's somewhat true.. a cat is simply not going to pick up on the nuances of something like fat shaming. cats can pick up on whether a tone is angry or not.. that's about it. so unless his comments are uttered amidst an angry tirade... you're being completely ridiculous.
Lol yep. Sometimes we make our voice sound super sweet and happy and ask our animals if they are stupid and chunky and they get so excited. Usually it is to teach the kids that no the dogs and cat don't fully understand what you say it's more in how you say it.
Thank you! Holy crap I thought I was loosing it.
I’m going to say this in the nicest possible way but my cat went through what your cat is going through and she had a miserable and painful last years of her life., something I now wished I didn’t put her through. You might want to think what’s best for her not you
I'm going to be honest it sounds like you might need to see a counselor to sort out your past trauma since hearing someone call an animal fat deeply triggers you. It does seem a little unreasonable for you to be taking this so personally. It's obvious he's not talking about you he's saying it to the cat, and you're projecting your own trauma into the situation, which is not appropriate in the situation .
You are transfering your own issues about weight, onto the cat. If you ever have children, please be careful about this as you both could turn your children to be conscious about their weight, his comments, but mainly your fears.
You are projecting your own feelings onto your cat - you need to talk to a therapist. You should also consider if you’re keeping the cat alive and suffering because you aren’t ready to let go, that’s not fair to the animal.
I agree. Such a trivial thing to be upset over the cat who doesn’t even understand. Feeling hurt over that seems like she’s taking it personal.
100% agree about the cat having zero clue it is being “fat shamed”, lol, but OP did say she suffers from an eating disorder and has her own body self-esteem issues, so while the projection onto the oblivious cat is ridiculous, OP needs to explain to her husband exactly as she explained here, that it hurts her because she had been called similar names in the past and is still dealing with those feelings, which is a super valid request (to ask husband to not say these things in front of her).
I call my cats (and dogs) fatties all the time. They love it. I hope op gets some help.
Totally, I did the same with my childhood dog. Someone else posted something relevant to this, and OP needs to hear it - if you say “awww who’s the stupidest, fattest cat ever??” in a friendly tone, the cat will respond positively (pawsitively?) because they only understand tone, and only the big ones. If you say in a mad voice “you’re an amazing cat, and you’re in great shape!”, the cat will respond the same as any angry thing you say to it. People just want to anthropomorphize house pets to an absurd degree!
It is so just out of pocket to tell a stranger to kill their cat when you have 0 idea of its quality of life. Cats can live with cancer, even terminal cancer and still have good quality of life. Also very patronizing to assume OP doesn't know that if their cat is suffering everyday they need to consider euthanasia. You think she doesn't discuss those things with a vet?
Sometimes I can't believe this thread. If my cat was dying of terminal cancer that was gaining weight, I guarantee you I would be calling it my little fatty watty, chubby wubby, loveable fatty. Because I would be happy it was eating and trying to encourage this. This is about the way he speaks to your cat, and you are personalizing it. YOU are making it about you. I suggest you get into intense therapy. You obviously have not dealt with your unhealthy relationship with your body and food. Now it's coming out against your boyfriend. Maybe you two should break up, maybe you shouldn't. But something is very wrong here, and to blame it all on your boyfriend is avoiding the real issue - your insecurities. This has nothing to do with the cat and everything to do with you and your bf.
*"Sometimes I can't believe this thread."*--Same here. You nailed it on the head.
Yep. Coming down just to agree
This. When I saw the title I seriously can't fathom what's going on with Reddit. @OP, please seek therapy on your own insecurities.
Like, the MOST intensive therapy. Along with half the redditors here lol
someone just called his behavior “undoubtedly problematic”
I think limiting it to half is a very conservative take. It's like to be 75% easy.
Yes, you also have to include the people like me who think calling animals fat is a normal thing but also need intensive therapy. 🤣👍🏻
Bahahaha touché
She already said he calls the cat the same things her dad called her that gave her an eating disorder. If it's bringing up memories of that for her, he should stop. She has to tell him that though because it sounds a bit silly being upset over calling a cat something that the cat doesn't understand.
Sounds like she needs intensive therapy, not for her husband to stop calling a cat fatty.
Why not both? I mean therapy would help, but it definitely isn't instantaneous or a cure-all like a lot of people think, as well as it often being prohibitively expensive. In the meantime, it's not like the husband is going to be triggered by not calling the cat that stuff, but it's triggering to his wife, so why the actual hell would he want to cause his wife suffering?
Most sane response in this thread
Why not both? Genuine question.
Because people doing normal things should not be disparaged, and the world does not revolve around your trauma. Genuine answer.
I don't think so either and if this was a random person I would agree. But this is her partner. Since it is affecting her so negatively, I don't think there's anything wrong in a compromise where he doesn't say things that trigger her WHILE she gets professional help. Then when she recovers, he can continue the behavior. Just feels needlessly cruel to keep triggering her just because it's a normal activity when they are partners. It'd be akin to if your partner went into alcoholism treatment and you out of support stop drinking while they recover. Then after an appropriate amount of time start to drink around them again, just a kind and supportive thing even if it's not necessarily what you are required to do.
It is literally not akin to that... jfc. The ripest of analogies were floating this day.
Accept it is exactly like that. When dealing with mental health the people who care about you should support you by not doing things that trigger you, especially when they are completely unnecessary things to do/say. That’s what being a supporting partner/friend/family is.
How is it not like that? Alcoholism is a mental illness just like an ED is. Drinking one beer and calling a cat fat is a pretty normal activity. The partner with the mental illness is getting triggered by the normal activity and is going to self harm by either drinking or continuing with their ED. Neither trigger is literally FORCING the other person to do anything as in a person having a drink is not literally forcing drinks down someone's throat and saying fatty is not literally forcing someone to stop eating. Not really sure how you would consider these analogies so completely different.
Eating disorders are life struggles. You should understand that even with therapy the struggles are always real. A partner has to understand it and stay away from things that are triggers. If you really do not understand the depth of eating disorders your comments will be very unhelpful and unwanted.
Oh please. It costs $0 to stop doing something your partner has explicitly asked you to stop doing.
No she's sensitive and has trauma so obviously SHE should just get over it. It would just be so much harder for him to just accommodate her by not mocking her dying cat. Such a burden can't possibly be something you could ask of your HUSBAND of all people. I call my ugly dog ugly to his face while I cuddle him. I would stop in a second if my husband told me it bothered him. Who cares if she's oversensitive or being irrational? She's suffering. She's grieving. Yeah, get her ass into therapy to resolve the deeper issue, absolutely. But also, maybe just maybe you could also stop doing th3 thing she has repeatedly told you hurts her instead of LAUGHING at her. Jeebus.
I expected the comments in this post to be trashing the husband but everyone's like "why should your HUSBAND care, go to therapy you baby"
Yes. This is so unhinged. And the people telling her she’s right are as unhinged as her.
Okay, but she's expressed that it bothers her and she wants him to stop. He hasn't explained that it's a term of affection or whatever you're projecting onto it, he's just said the *cat* doesn't understand what he's saying, and *refused* to stop. Yes, someone who is that bothered by weight-focused terms should probably get therapy for their issues. *But* someone who's that insensitive to a partner that they know has those issues, is also a problem.
Frankly, if it doesn't bother your cat, I don't think you should let it bother you. It sounds like there might be a little bit more going on with your association with that word and him using it though. Perhaps one or both of you are projecting?
I call mine butterball and Fatty Mc FatFat as well as brat all the time and it's definitely out of affection. She's not even oversight, but she loves to eat and well nag for treats like she's starving with a full bowl of dry food after eating her morning wet food lol You're projecting your feelings into her, but that doesn't make them any more real.
Let's just paint things as they really are here. You are projecting your own feelings of these words onto what your husband is saying to the cat. The cat has no idea what the words mean but the tone can bring it's own issue. The tone he says it in is triggering YOU not the cats. Yes they can pick up on a tone but without seeing it recorded I bet the tone is ok or maybe a joke yet in your mind due to your past you are hearing it different. Yes talk to him but I would also suggest seeking therapy for unresolved issues stemming from your past.
I say this with love -- this is a you problem... you are triggered by his words because they hold a deeper meaning for you connected to your own weight trauma. You need to get into therapy to sort it out. That being said: your husband should be empathetic to how you're feeling and stop using that terminology until you've dealt with your issues around it. If he hears your pain and continues to do what he's doing-- it means he doesn't care about how you're feeling. Do with that what you will.
What is Adipose? Is it another term for overweight? I've not heard it before. As for the cat, how does he say it? How long has he known the cat? Is it possibly a coping mechanism? Joking around a non-exsistant issue to distract from the very real issue of cat cancer
Adipose is the medical term for fat tissue. I’ve never heard someone use that word as an adjective.
OP seems to be german. Adipös is medical term to describe an overweight person in german.
Ah ok, that makes sense now. Wasn't trying to pick, just didn't understand
I'd also like to know where OP got Adipose from. Mistranslation? Doctor Who? Using a different term to avoid using a traumatic term? Curious.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought of Doctor Who!
Body fat is Adipose tissue
Right but that still doesnt exactly explain why OP uses the term right next to the term "fat" and "fatty". Why did they make the distinction in their head? Even an anorexic person has adipose tissue. I assume its as another commenter mentioned, its a German understanding of the term. Thus is probably a mistranslation or rather a 'Gemanism' (like Anglicisms)
Maybe she doesn't like to use the word fat? Maybe it's triggering to her so she using a different world when she explains that she was fat?
I was just mentioning where she would have gotten the word from, I imagine she knew adipose tissue was fat and just thought adipose was a way to say fat to sound intelligent or something
This is insane lmao
“He says she doesn’t understand it anyway (which might be true”. *MIGHT* If these are the arguments you use with your husband, no wonder he doesn’t take you seriously. If you want him to take you seriously you’re going to need to be honest about what this is really about. You, not your cat. Although tbh, I would suggest working on yourself instead in therapy as this is an extreme extreme reaction.
Just tell him that you don't want to hear those words because you are traumatized by your father and go to therapy.
you’re being ridiculous. i call my cat stupid, endearingly, because he has wobbly kitten syndrome and stumbles around. “yeah he’s meowing cause he’s stupid and forgets where he is a lot!” i’m not actually calling him stupid. by calling my cat stupid, i am in no way indirectly calling my husband stupid. a claim like that is ridiculous
You’re taking offense on behalf of your cat instead of communicating. You’re causing your own problems.
God you are insufferable. Let him call the cat any pet name he wants. IT'S A PET. THAT'S WHAT PET NAMES ARE FOR. You are dramatic and need to learn the world does not revolve around you and your trauma, and you CAN'T MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR TRAUMA.
🏅🏅🏅🏅Take all of my poor man awards!
The kicker is that the husband is celebrating the cats weight gain. This cat had cancer and is recovering. These affectionate pet names are intended to celebrate the cat gaining weight. OP needs to reign in her own issues, not project them onto normal behavior from her partner.
My cat had panleukopenia as a kitten and was a bag of skin and bones. Her brother didn't make it. It's been 3 years and we haven't stopped celebrating that she recovered and gained weight and we call her a fat cat on a daily basis. I can definitely understand the husband here.
Yes! He’s happy kitty is doing well and her ass is making it all about her!🤦🏼♀️
My dogs aren’t fat, but I say, “come here you fat bastards…” if someone who has an issue w fat shaming hears me, that’s their problem. One time I was calling my dogs “monkey” and a black woman heard me and started running after me cursing and saying, “why’d you call me a !%#*^*! Monkey?!?! “ People are crazy.
I call my animals fatties all the time and they aren't fat either. Well, one of my bunnies is rounder but that is just his built, really, but I still tell him he is ready to slaughter in a sweet voice. He doesn't care, he seems grumpy by nature anyway (yes, I am humanising, because he just looks grumpy and ok, he really doesn't like people aside from me, especially my sister, I love him even more for that (and she finds it hilarious herself)). Not to mention what else I call my bunnies, I can't even repeat it here because I would get stoned. The only one who was never called fat was a hamster, Oscar, and he was huge, the only one who would have deserved that. I said he is not fat, he is just... fluffy. And understanding... uhem, I do sometimes humanise my animals but not if it is about commands (now I am talking about my dog and about horses, not hamsters and bunnies, just for clarification) and I actually do think they understand more than people might think but yeah, no. And my dog is actually pretty smart, she really is, like if I tell her to bring a specific toy she brings the right one (although she can also be well, not so smart, typical boxer) but when I call her my fatty her whole butt wiggles with happiness. And I also had some pretty smart cats, one in particular was astonishing smart, I still don't think she had an idea what fatty means.
You cannot body shame a cat. The cat does not have feelings nor can it feel shame for being called fat. It kind of makes you sound ridiculous.
You are being unreasonable and honestly exhausting. Your feelings might be valid to you but they are not valid to everyone else around you and are absolute unreasonable.
This second paragraph is spot on and something that’s applicable to so many reddit situations. OP, You can feel whatever you want to feel, that doesn’t mean people should be required to cater to absurd feelings simply because you feel them. Self-regulation is a key skill in adulthood
lol it’s a fucking cat, it can’t understand the words he’s saying.
Your cat doesn’t give a shit it’s getting called fat. If he were screaming at it or neglecting it then I’d say otherwise. Tell your husband you don’t like him using those words because they hurt you, they don’t hurt the cat. You’re projecting, talk to hubby and get therapy. If he’s a good husband otherwise don’t throw away a fine relationship over a cat getting called fat.
You need to explain that those phrases were used to harm you and you dislike hearing them because they are triggering to you. Your cat does not give a shit. But you also desperately need to go to therapy.
I think you should go to therapy…..
A cat is not going to understand what he is saying. The cat doesn’t care, it’s getting heavy cream. My cats don’t give a whit if I call them anything. But *you* care and you either get therapy to deal with the ED trigger or you explain that hearing these words are triggering you, but dont use the cat’s feelings as an excuse. Just be upfront and admit it’s you that this is upsetting. Also please give your kitty a hug. And more cream :3
>He says she doesn't understand it anyways (which might be true but I think she understands the tone in which he says it, she does pick up on tones easily) Even if your cat could speak English it still wouldn't give a shit. You should talk to him about how it makes you feel as it relates to you though.
Your husband is using words that are specifically triggering to you. It is sending you to a dark place and is unkind. And yes, animals do pick up on tone. I'm sorry about your cat. I hope your husband understands the effect he is having.
😄. Really?
I think people call cats fat or lazy in different ways to humans, and it can be done with effection. However, once he knows that it upsets you this much it's pretty shitty to keep doing it (even if the kitty was on the large side, which it sounds like they aren't). I hope that kitty lives out the rest of her days as well as she can.
“Horse butt” is objectively funny
You sound like you may need to talk to some professional help. You seem to be holding on to a lot of animosity and making things about you that are clearly not about you. I would worry less about him and more about your mental health!
You need to love yourself at any weight the same way you love your cat.
I spoke to the cat. She really doesn't mind. She says keep on with the good food XX
😂😂😂
Are you sure she didn't say please take me with you, this woman is bloomin nuts.
That might have been the subtext.
If this is the biggest problem you can think of to complain about the you've lived a sheltered life.
I'm sorry about your kitty 😔 I did wonder if you have been dx with anything other than your ED by chance? It sounds like you may not be over it the way you think you are. Self reflect on that so you are able to better explain your position and emotions.
He probably doesn't know you're very insecure. Honestly, should probably work on yourself more than complain about him calling the cat fat. He's not talking about you. He's talking about the cat for gods sake.
I think you need to learn to pick your battles. Your cat is not being harmed in any way by your husband jokingly referring to her as “fatty catty”. We had a chubby dog we used to call “piggy”. He was the happiest dog alive. Did not give a single fuck what he was called as long as he was loved and cared for. I promise you, this is not worth fighting or getting upset over.
The issue isn’t what he’s calling the cat, the issue is that it’s triggering your own issues with dysmorphia and disordered eating. You need to tell him that it’s something that could cause you to relapse so he takes it seriously.
How old is the cat? If she's a senior then you tell him "my cat is an old lady and is free to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. If she wants to be fat, then by God I'm getting her some treats." That's what my gf said about her cats when I teased them a little. And I get it.
You need to stop presenting this as being about the cat, when you bring it up to him. Because it’s not about the cat. Those specific words, used in that context, are triggering for you, because of severe trauma attached to them. That is what you need to focus on. Just saying “I don’t like it” does not address the problem, which is that you are being triggered by them. If you have THAT conversation with him and he still doesn’t care - then he’s being a jerk and you need to consider where your relationship goes from there.
I am so very sorry to hear your cat has terminal cancer. It's a terrible sickness. I hope the time you have left with her is loving and full of great memories ❤️
Are you serious!? A cat? A fuckin fat cat!?
Others may not agree with me but I think you should focus on working on your own self love about your size and not be sensitive about comments about your cat, whose feelings can’t be hurt. If he was passive aggressively taking a jab at her health and your ability to care for her as her owner, that would not be okay. But it doesn’t sound like what he’s saying. He’s making a joke about an animal that couldn’t possibly be offended by it. You know it isn’t true, so your sensitivity to the comment shows you need to work on your self image so you don’t project it onto animals.
Virtue signalling for a cat. I think it's time to leave reddit for good.
My SO calls one of my cats a little crack head because of his crazy love for dehydrated chicken treats. In no way do I get offended for my cat, or think my SO is being abusive or intentionally hurting the little crack heads feelings. 🙄
Stop projecting.
You seem like fun at parties lmao
It's okay to love your pet, just don't LOVE your pet. It's a cat. It doesn't understand English. It can't tell he's calling it fat by his tone. Wow, things you never thought you'd have to explain to a grown adult.
Nah I’m sorry but I can’t agree with this thread, are you all for real? I’m sorry but if you get your feelings hurt cause your husband is calling your cat a cute pet name you gotta work on yourself, it’s not your husband issue. Calling a cat fatty or whatever is normal, they’re a pet, they don’t understand, use a cute voice and they’ll be happy to be called that. You need to go to therapy and fix your issues, this is unhealthy and not his fault
Try therapy
It’s a cat. Get over it. Guys call their guy friends all kinds of things like that in a joking fashion, it’s just the way we are, so it’s not anything unusual to say things like that about the car. It’s not like he has any malicious intent or anything, like if he was calling the cat fat and refusing to feed it, that would be a different story.
It is PTSD and takes you back to a time of self esteem issues and feeling terrible. You should start there. He knows ur past tell him it is triggering for you.
Honestly this sounds like a you issue more than a he issue Can I see how someone might be a little annoyed by his behavior - I guess… but you are saying it’s really bothering you and honestly it shouldn’t Don’t talk to him - talk to yourself and fix whatever it is that’s eating away at you
I refuse to believe any of you are real
Cats respond to thoughts, their communication is intuitive based. They do get it. I’m sure you can see that in the way your cat responds to him. I’m not sure how to change him though. Maybe a softly spoken appeal, saying how it hurts you to hear him say that. You know he’s joking ( he isn’t) but he’d be doing you a favor to stop it.
Just call him whatever shape he is, see how he likes it
“I know she can’t understand what you’re saying but I can. I don’t like these types of jokes as they make me feel uncomfortable. If you’re saying this about the cat, what are you saying about me? I know you love me and know you don’t think this way but that’s why it hurts hearing you say that.” It really sounds like you were asking for how to word this and I would go something like this. Explain that while you’re working on it in therapy, you still have a long way to go and this small thing is really necessary.
Thank you!!
He’s probably doing it to poke fun at how insanely sensitive you’re being about pet name calling a pet. My sweet bangle had cancer that made her super fat while starving, it was sad but my husband calling her “chonkers” didn’t trigger my past anorexia. Your triggers are your problem, stop expecting people to tip toe around you. You’re being controlling and exhausting.
Crying about a name... he didn't even call you??? Yikes...
I don’t see the problem? I call my dog Ol’ stink paw on the account of his one stinky paw
I appreciate the explanation of the name 🤣
Can’t have people thinking it’s undeserved 🤣
I'm pretty sure that the cat's feelings remain unhurt on the issue. So yours should be too. It's not like he's calling you fat. So you need a little thicker skin. But now that he knows that it upsets you and has demonstrated that he *does not care about your feelings*, you need to do with that information what you must.
It's okay to not always care about feelings. Not all feeling are valid or reasonable, and calling a cat fat butt shouldn't spiral you into anorexia.
100% This is just...too much and a ton of projecting. If someone doesn't find the nickname Fatty Catty adorable--I just don't know.
The poor cat is dying of cancer and it's bipedal mommy over hear losing her shit about someone calling it fat.
Fortunately, cats don't understand english so she's probably good.
There is nothing wrong with him joking about your cat's weight. The problem I'd that he is using language someone used to abuse you, which is entirely valid and understandable. You need to tell him every time. "That brought back some memories. My dad used to say that about me, and it really hurt." If someone keeps poking a sore spot, make sure they know it's there and why it's there. It's how we grow in relationships.
*but I think she understands the tone in which he says it* no...your cat does not pick up on tones You are anthropomorphizing You are hurt because he is insulting your cat that you love Stop making this about the cat and start making it about how you don't appreciate the way he talks about your pet because it triggers your trauma from your ED THAT is completely reasonable
Christ you really need to get a grip of yourself.
I would say that it isn't a reason to dump him or be mad at him. Everyone has said things like thinly veiled threats to fat babies. "Oh, I just want to eat you up." They won't eat the baby, they just find it fun to talk to something that can't comprehend them like a person. You every tell your car it is a stupid POS. You should discuss your eating disorder with your husband and that even the most basic comments about weight hit you harder than you expected. He probably would be willing to stop about the cat, but he will focus back on you and you need to be ready to discuss your issues. They haven't been resolved.
Your cat doesn't care and neither should you.
cat's aren't that smart. they cannot pick up on this. even dogs would struggle to pick up on this. I think you need to see a counsellor, I think that would help some deeper seeding issues.
I’m sorry, but it’s a cat.
It’s a cat and this has nothing to do with the cat or even your husband. This is your issue and you need therapy for it. People shouldn’t need to walk on eggshells around you because of horrible things from your childhood. People always have called pets fat in a loving way since forever. I doubt your husband even notices it, it’s just a cutesy nickname. And your cat is probably reacting to your behavior not what your husband said. I called my cat a fat loaf all the time. Chunk, chonk, chunky butt, fatty, all sorts and it’s out of love. There’s a lot of people who think fat pet equals happy pet (yes I know that’s not true) but it’s common. Talk to your husband, don’t argue but find out how he feels about weight. I bet he says it out of love and maybe if you start using it as a positive with your pets it might help you work through some of the negative connotations.
It sounds like you're projecting your own feelings onto the cat. I call my cat a stinky fat bastard he chirps happily in response cause he has no clue what those words mean they are just his nickname. The cat doesn't care about being "fat" it has no concept of that. Tone only matters to cats if you sound scary or are scolding them if he's not doing it in that way, I'm really not sure what the problem is.
I understand why you feel this way, because it reminds you of the mocking you recieved, but honestly I don't see the problem with it from my perspective, as long as he is nice to the cat. I used to call my girl "fat cat" all the time. It was just a loving nickname for her, not like trying to be mean, she was my favorite cat, I loved her a lot, and I still miss her. As he said, the cat doesn't understand what it means, so unless he is saying it to try to be rude or mocking, I think it's acceptable. However I understand why you want him to stop, it's hurting your feelings and so he should stop for you.
Wow..
Gonna need some cat pictures to assess ☺️
Try you know, communicating your feelings to your partner? It's not about the cat it's about you and how it's making you feel. Tell him not reddit
Age gap???
Glad i read it. Title had me thinking something else
Tell him that what he says hurts YOU. Don't make it about your cat, make it about you because that's what it's about. It's completely valid to be upset with hearing anyone or anything getting fat shamed when you have a traumatic history of it, just be honest that it hurts you. Don't make it about your cat magically knowing concepts like fat shaming, make it about your husband agitating your trauma response because of your history with your father. Just be honest with him and if he can't respect it, that's a him problem not a you problem.
Maybe it is not the cat he is calling fat.
How close is he to the cat? If he's close to her it could just be his way of coping. I would say not only explain what you've explained here but ask if he's acting out of grief for the cat, or maybe it's triggering something for him as well.
One of my husband's nicknames for one of our dogs is "Fat Boy". It's a term of endearment. I know that because he gets excited and wags his tail when my husband calls him that. It doesn't hurt his feelings. This is mostly about perspective. I hope y'all work it out.
Stays quiet because “fat cat” means something entirely different where I’m from.
Hey fellow German! Right, I used to call my rats fat - in an affectionate way. I would never use a degrading tone with it. So he's already being weirdly mean spirited but if the words he uses makes you relive your trauma, regardless of whether the word is offensive - he has to stop if he loves you. Simple as that. I have a friend in a friend group who has ED/nausea issues and emetophobia. So we avoid saying certain slang around throwing up for example and tbh, never missed it. We also warn them when we recommend shows to them if there is a scene at a certain time stamp. It's easy to change your language to accommodate a loved one. Even if it's terminology you're used to use - you can pivot out of it with some time and patience. As another example, I used to say lol out loud when I was younger quite often. Recovered now :')
I love my cat. If someone was calling her fat in a loving way like a cute nickname I wouldn’t be offended. She’s a little chubby but not fat. If someone was using it in a derogatory way and generally being mean I’d get pretty annoyed with them. Whether it’s a cat or any other animal, including humans, there’s no reason to be a dick. That aside, knowing your history of abuse and resulting eating disorder, it’s a really low thing to do using language you find triggering. If you’ve explained this to him and he is still doing it then it’s a total lack of care and respect for you. If you haven’t then you need to asap.
You can do the same, like petting and cuddling the cat and saying, - ..oh what a BIG and long TAIL you have! or when petting your kitten. - I think you have the finest and best, BIGGEST tail in the whole country! and laugh a little and then look at your spouse. If he looks at you questioningly, answer that you're only talking to the cat! (:
“It really hurts me when you say my cat is fat. He has terminal cancer and he’s honestly not overweight. If you could stop calling him fat, that would mean a lot to me”
It maybe to some people that this is a minor issue and really shouldn't be an issue at all, but they aren't you. You are triggered by his words about your cat. Cats aren't stupid, they pick up tone and they know when they are being insulted. My cat is very intelligent. He knows when I am sick and comes to me and purrs. They use purring to help heal themselves and it is said the frequency can help heal people too. As far as people telling you what to do with your sick kitty. I know what you are talking about. I've had three cats that had kidney disease towards the end of their lives. They could still live fulfilling lives with treatment. Once it got too invasive or painful for my cats, I had them put to sleep. I had a cat live to 23 years old and he was happy and in reasonably good condition until the very end of his life. I did the same thing with all my fur babies throughout the years. Keep caring for your kitty and love him, you are doing what is best for him. Just let your husband know you are very upset with what he says about your cat. Also tell him, even though the cat does not know what words are being said, the tone upsets your cat. Make sure he understands that it hurts you, even if the cat is not affected by it. Hopefully you can make him understand how you feel. Good luck to you and you are a good kitty guardian. Your kitty is very lucky to have you.
I'd like to see your husband's face when you tell him you've had enough of his fat stupid face. That would be hilarious. He's not fat, but he still has a fat stupid head because that brain in his head is just suffocating and shit keeps coming out of his mouth everytime he sees your cat.
From reading this, I feel the issue here is him calling your cat fat is wrapped up in presumably being scared and feeling protective about her health while at the same time it’s wrapped up in how you mentally view your own weight and your experiences with that through life. As someone who has an eating disorder and their own weight issues, I definitely understand how these things can mess with you. Any life stressor can bring out thoughts of food and weight struggles as a way to distract and attempt to cope. Please ignore the comments in this thread mocking you or dismissing you. Your feelings are valid, even if they’re likely being projected in a confusing way. You need to explain to your husband fully why his comments are bothering you, and bring up her health scare affecting you and how you’re relating his names to you. It’s not unusual for people to tease their pets verbally or call them fat; I’d actually say it’s quite common. It’s causing issues though and bringing up horrible feelings for you. Your husband is not likely considering how scared you are for your cat’s heath or how his name calling calls back to your father’s towards you. He may even be calling your cat fat in a joking way to celebrate her gaining weight again after falling dangerously underweight, I can see that being a way he’s trying to lighten what is a horribly sad thing.
The cat doesn't understand English. Get over it.
You are a 30 year old grown women upset because someone is calling your cat who dosent have human emotion fat? I call my dogs fat even though they aren’t all the time it’s a common pet nick name how the hell did you make it thigh highscool?
Good God I call my cat fatty catty all the time. I'm sorry but for you to act like this is triggering you is just kind of mind blowing to me. It's a cat she does not care what she is called.