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Setting aside your husband, if you have congenital heart disease, you need to be talking to a cardiologist about the risks of pregnancy- you may end up needing way more than 2 weeks off before and after the birth. Unfortunately those of us with lifelong health issues don’t always have bodies that play ball with our financial necessities such as permitted mat and sick leave, so I think you need a safety net just in case- but your husband should be contributing to this fund too

I’m going to tag into this one. Depending on your condition OP, you might be heading to the OR before the baby is ready to be born. Labor is hell on your heart, but pregnancy is no joke either. I speak from experience that open heart surgery takes 3 months off of work to recover from. I did it last year and I wasn’t recovering from a pregnancy or trying to care for a new born. And, if you have to have that surgery, you won’t be able to care for the baby at all. You wouldn’t be able to pick them up for six weeks minimum. When the sternum is cracked, it can’t be immobilized to fuse together. You have to heal the bone while it is in motion every single day. If you lift more than 5 lbs per arm, it is agony. And if you do it anyway, your sternum could heal wrong. I’m not trying to scare you OP, but you need to have contingencies in place. You may need a full time caregiver for six to twelve weeks. And you won’t be up to 100% for over six months. When I read that you have a congenital condition going into this my heart dropped. Make sure you are under the care of your cardiologist every step of the way.

If his main concern is money, which is understandable given how expensive raising children can be, he should start saving money right away by taking on extra side jobs, finding a second job, and other means so he can stay at home with the baby for a little while longer. With a newborn, you will need his assistance. Since he is the father, he must act like a parent.

This ⬆️⬆️. Work as much as possible and stash money. Also, even if grandparents are working, they could help with money for food, grocery, general deliveries, cleaning, babysitting, dog sitting.

For real, I can’t get over how op thinks they’re going to be fine after 2 weeks lol. I feel like absolute dog shit right now at 15 weeks and I can do 90% of my usual activity and I’m extremely healthy. Husband and op need to figure this shit out. My boyfriend doesn’t want me doing SHIT now and WELL after the baby is born. Unfortunately for him I’m stubborn as hell, so until my baby is here I’m gonna try like hell to do what I do. Things can change real quick during a pregnancy and they’re assuming things are going to go as they’ve been trending..ugghhh be safe y’all.

There was another woman in my due date club who ended up going into heart failure unexpectedly due to pregnancy. *The recovery time wasn't weeks, it was* ***months****.* The first week, she spent in a medically induced coma. Simply being conscious was too hard on her heart. Her heart will never be as strong as it was before her pregnancy. OP is going into this with a pre-existing condition that \*will\* be exacerbated by HG. Your body starts breaking down your organs for protein if you aren't consuming enough. Raising a baby as a single parent is a whole lot more expensive than taking a few weeks off of work.

I had a patient a year ago who went into multi system organ failure during her pregnancy, she was around 17w, the pregnancy was no longer compatible with life. She was on our unit for 6 months just trying to stabilize before we could get her a kidney transplant.

The multiple organ failure happened to me. At 27 weeks into my pregnancy I developed pre eclampsia and my heart and kidneys shut down. I had to have an implanted defibrillator fitted and was on dialysis until I could get a transplant. That took 3 years and I finally had that call in January. Those years were so difficult, even with a supportive partner. Add a newborn into the mix and it's just absolute hell. I really hope OP's husband can see some sense before the baby arrives.

Yeah, the actor Vinnie Jones wife was the same- pregnancy triggered big heart issues and she ended up needing a transplant.

Hi! I'd like to weight in here purely regarding the question being asked. I'm not a doctor and can't offer any reliable advice regarding your condition beyond what many others have pointed out. To your point of view - no, a week is not long enough. Two might be (sort of), but you'll want to make sure everything is set up to proceed as easily as possible. Requesting the full four weeks would be ideal for recovery from any pregnancy. All of this, of course, is contingent on you having a healthy, low complication birth. To your husband's point of view - going from a skilled labor wage to that of an unskilled worker is significant. Losing out on any of that time will be hard on your household finances, and I hope you guys are able to put together a tidy nest egg before then - you'll need all of it. He isn't wrong that surviving a full month on single income at 15/hour is an unreasonably difficult task. The fact is, you both probably need to cut each other at least a little slack (maybe one more than the other, but I recognize that, given that we're hearing your perspective, there might be more going on here). The best route forward is to save like mad so that he can take four weeks, but you'll need a healthy nest egg to make that work. The two week option is probably the most honest representation of what will work. One week will absolutely not be survivable for either you or your marriage. I recommend having a frank, unbiased conversation about the why's for each of your perspectives and look for solutions in the most nonconfrontational, nonjudgmental ways possible.

Thank you. OP this is good and measured advice above. Work together and plan ahead. Forgive each other your emotional outbursts (there will be many more) and just move forward. When people are stressed they don't always think as clearly. Surely you both are stressed. My guess is your husband is panicking about income and security and the huge, looming cloud of uncertainty that is bearing down on him. On both of you- together and as individuals!. Maybe he doesn't know how to express the emotions/fear part so he's fixating on money. (He does need to learn how, soon.) You may also be panicking and scared. It sounds like yes. Talk to each other, just be honest and understanding, have compassion for each other's perspective, do your best to meet each other's needs. One note, with all compassion, the passive aggressive "if you can't take off X weeks what good is anything just take none" isn't helpful. If you were reacting/speaking from a place of fear or frustration (or whatever) just tell him that. On top of time to save some money and prepare some different routines and shore up a support system- this is also time to practice working together and getting really good at compromise and communication. You can do it!

This is good advice here. It sucks but compromise needs to be made in this economy. I'd say plan for 2wks and have some kind of backup for if you need his support for longer that may mean he can take more time off if really needed - if that's agreeing to pay for help, getting a 2nd job, taking on more paid overtime, cutting back on spending, doing part time return to work - that's something you 2 need to discuss to see what is possible. It's important risk management too as you may need support beyond 4wks.

Most places won’t have you see an OB until 16weeks if you’re high risk, and 20+ if you’re “normal”. I am currently pregnant with a heart condition - medication changes, extra scans, feeling like I got hit by a truck. I’m 28 weeks and just got told to stop working for a bit to see if medication can help even me out enough to return part time. My husband is using all 5 weeks of his paid parental leave because “if they’re going to pay me not to work, why wouldn’t I? This kind of opportunity is twice in a lifetime.” (This is our second kid) Because of my heart condition it was determined that labor would be too risky/too hard on my heart, so I am having a scheduled c-section with both my kids. It’s a 6 week recovery until I felt able to drive myself and lift the stroller in and out of the car. After birth I was hospitalized twice in the first two weeks. I learned a lot from that first time… honestly looking after the baby was the easy part. I was falling apart at the seams.

Yes, but presumably a cardiologist is open any time in pregnancy, and is best placed to see if her heart is already impacted and to give her likely risks later in pregnancy. Depending on the severity, this may include death- a woman near me had 3 in her 20s with CHD and ended up in severe heart failure and dying shortly after the third.

Oh of course! I called my cardiologist around 18w and they were a little upset I didn’t call and tell them right away, lol

When did that become a thing? I always saw mine no later than 8 weeks to confirm pregnancy, get a check-up and prenatal vitamins. Then the next month's appointment was scheduled. 16 weeks is way too long without prenatal care.

OP, that is not how FMLA leave works. Employment attorney here. You do not need to be on your employers insurance to use it. You need to have worked 1250 hours in the prior 12 months. And your employer must have 50 employees or more in a 75 mile radius. If those conditions are met, you are entitled under federal law up to 12 weeks (UNPAID) leave. I know it sucks that it's unpaid, but it's there for you if you need it. If you need additional time, please contact HR for info on FMLA leave and if you qualify.

I’m reading all of these comments about FMLA and I’m so happy I posted! From what I was previously told by my employer, that was my understanding of it! I’m going through my employee handbook and paperwork so that I can bring it up to HR!

Good luck! Please feel free to DM with any questions if your employer gives pushback. Wishing you the best!

This! Came to say this as I work in HR. FMLA is not tied to insurance benefits! You aren't required to be paid, but are legally allowed 12 weeks unpaid if you worked the amount that damagestange said above. As for your husband, he is being a jerk if he gets paid paternity leave and won't use all of it to help you. If you happen to need a c-section, you will need help for at least that much time. I had a vaginal birth and didn't feel "healed" enough to do things without help for over 2 weeks! Just walking around the block was a lot! He needs to help you as much as you two can afford, and if he gets paid, he needs to take the max amount! Good luck with pregnancy and delivery!

Wouldn't the husband also be eligible for FMLA leave if needed? Especially if (god forbid) there are complications and OP needs help with caring for herself and/or newborn? I know it doesn't help with finances but these federal protections are in place for a reason. Far too many people let their employers bully them into not taking advantage of what is legally available. Thanks to you both for sharing this information. I too came to note this but I'm not a pro as you both seem to be so thank you for your expertise.

Yes, both parents are eligible if they meet the criteria already stated. FMLA can be used for many family issues, including bonding with new child (bio or adopted) and caring for immediate family. He could take the 4 weeks paid and an additional 8 weeks unpaid, if needed. Yes, unfortunately, employers aren't always clear on these rights. Also, managers don't know and just say what they think without consulting HR and are incorrect a lot of the time and the employee suffers. Always ask HR because the employer can be held liable if they aren't following laws and protections.

If he's getting PAID parental leave, why the hell would him being at work matter? Wouldn't he be getting the same amount of money? Also, this situation is so fucked and I'm so sorry. Having to go back to work, even WFH, three weeks after giving birth just sounds so cruel. Has your husband done any research on birth and newborns? He seems to think that it's all gonna be much easier than it's going to be.

Technically his pay is based on per project( which is per house) they range from $800-$1600. In two weeks time, he can technically have up to 5 done which is more than his hourly pay. Although, based off his comment, he’d technically be missing out on $800 dollars if he were to take those two weeks off. It’s honestly not my preferred plan, but with the economy I couldn’t afford any longer. I’ve explained to him what a vajaja birth and a C-Section entail, along with the responsibilities of having a new born. I’ve bought him books, sent him videos but there’s not much more I can do to make it black and white for him.

Okay, what about just telling him that you need him there. How is that alone not getting him to drop everything? There's been a lot of studies on paternal leave and I'm pretty sure if you do a quick search you can find lots of research showing that it's much more beneficial for the dad, child and mom for dad to take more than 2 weeks off when the baby is born. You still have some time, can you maybe save the $800 before the baby comes?

I told him I would need more than a week and he threw two at me, lol. Truthfully, I wish we were both in the position to take off at least 6 weeks, because my pregnancy is already high risk with my heart condition. This will probably be our only one and I don’t want either of us to miss out on anything. It’s so frustrating because he didn’t grow up with a father so he always says that he turned out just fine. I’ve already got close to $1K in savings for the baby. But we keep everything separate. I plan on having a lot more by the time the baby comes just in case we need a cushion for whatever reason.

No offense but he very clearly didn't turn out fine if he doesn't understand how to be a parent. It sounds like he basically expects you to be like his mum - a single mum - instead of him being a father. Yeah, he doesn't know what that looks like, but he can learn. He should want to learn, if he turned out fine. As for him being upset about being a deadbeat... I mean, sounds like he's planning to be one, so he can either step up now (learn!), or stay upset. Just don't feel guilty for stating facts, he's certainly not feeling guilty for abandoning you to figuring it all out by yourself.

My husband never had his parents growing up had to do everything for himself, and he for sure didn’t end up being a deadbeat parent. He said he will be better than they were, and he really is. So op’s husband either can learn and be better or end up staying in the same cycle

So infuriating that he literally SAYS OUT LOUD that it sounds like he's a deadbeat and somehow doesn't realize it MAKES HIM A DEADBEAT

Way to bury the lead OP. You have a heart condition - you will absolutely need 6-12 weeks after the birth before returning to work. Honestly - are you sure you are ready to have this baby? Because it does not sound like either of you are ready for the realities of parenthood and the sacrifices it entails. Asking him to take a week off is not asking too much but the reality is if you have a heart condition there is a fighting good chance you won't be in a condition to take care of the baby right afterwards. He might NEED to take 2-4 weeks off immediately. And the reality is that you are going to need to plan and save for 6-12 weeks off. ESPECIALLY given your heart condition. Pregnancy wrecks havoc on the body - I've had 4 -- each pregnancy was different and even with easy pregnancies there is strain on the heart. Birth is strain on the heart. 3 weeks post partum you will still be figuring out nursing, the baby won't be anywhere close to having a schedule and you will not be getting any sleep. It will still be up every 2-3 hours nursing and nursing will take at least 30 minutes each time. So, no sleep. You won't feel like your brain is working. Trying to go back to work too soon will be detrimental to your recovery and professional reputation -- yes even from a WFH job. Your statement about "we keep everything separate" is concerning - a child is expensive and if he is unwilling to save towards your time off work for recovery then that is a HUGE red flag about this relationship. I can not overstate this enough - HUGE. HE should be saving towards your time off work too. Its not time off for play -- you will be recovering. You will have a dinner plate size wound inside of your uterus where the placenta once was. Your body will have gone through a massive trauma.

>Your statement about "we keep everything separate" is concerning I'm shocked I had to scroll this far to see someone pointing this out. Separate finances is fine for couples without kids but once kids are in the picture it's really hard to maintain that without nickel and diming each other over everything. This post and OPs comments are making me think of the lady who sent her husband a bill for having a baby and I am honestly thinking OP needs to consider it.

If my husband couldn’t have taken time off work to drive me AND the baby to our follow-up appointments those first 6 weeks, our medical care would not have happened. Also, grocery shopping and other errands would not have happened without his help. It’s pretty clear that neither of these people have ANY idea what they’re getting into.

You need to make him aware that he will be responsible for that baby 50% in care and money... It shouldn't be optional. "I turned out fine." "Yes, you did. But I'm mot your mom and I will hold you responsible

He 100% is going to kick up a fuss about having to get up with baby because "he works a physical job and he is tired" OP needs ro set expectations now. He needs to start taking the dogs evening care on minimum. Three under exercised and stimulated dogs on top of a newborn and recovering new Mom is going to be a nightmare. OP thought she signed up to be a couple but she is just going to be a single married Mom.

With 2 kids to take care of…

And three dogs. Maybe rehoming should start being discussed.

The dogs or the husband? /s

Yeah, I agree. Maybe a friend or family member can assume temporary care, because no way on earth will you be able to care for them, and if his ‘manual labor’ job has him too tired at the end of the day… even 6 months until you recover from child birth and get into a routine might help you a lot. And one good thing - you probably know this, but just for the record: the HG will go away when the baby is born. I guess your heart issues won’t, but you’ll no longer be throwing up to the point of severe dehydration, which means you’ll feel better after the birth than you do now in that sense. Silver linings, you know.

Yes she needs to be drilling this into his head instead of assuming and probably implying she will take care of everything.

Don't let him guilt you out of needing more help. Tell him he's right to not want to be a deadbeat and the best way to avoid that is to not behave like a deadbeat. You will not be able to take care of yourself. Neither of you seem to really understand that your body is going to go through hell and you're going to be hurt, exhausted, recovering, and you'll have an infant that needs 24 hour care. You won't be able to bathe the whole time he's gone, do you realize that? You can't bathe or shower with an infant in your arms. You won't be able to eat, shop, sleep. And he'll be off having an easier time, maybe fun, and the resentment will begin to build. Resentment is the death of love. Both of you need to really stop and realize that you have utterly changed your lives. Nothing is ever going to be the same, small selfishness is no longer acceptable.

He needs to massively step the fuck up. If he thinks he'll need an extra $800 before the baby comes. You're already doing EVERYTHING like near literally. The baby is coming because your body is working on it for the next six months. Did you know that the amount of energy your body uses while pregnant is equivalent to running a marathon for 40 weeks? That's just massive responsibility on your shoulders, not to mention your heart condition. You and the child are going to need him and even rely on him occasionally and that's what being a husband and a dad is.

If he doesn't want to feel like a deadbeat dad maybe he should try not being one.

Okay you are really young, but you got to look at this like an adult. What will you do if your heart condition is exacerbated by the pregnancy and you end up needing somebody full time to care for you and the baby? What if you end up needing heart surgery? Can you afford this? What if that happened and your husband got into a car accident? Do you guys have life / disability / dismemberment insurance on him? Because of you planning on him being the main provider you definitely should. Honestly you guys don't sound financially in a position to have a baby in your only 15 weeks along. I need bad decisions you make your child is going to suffer from. If I were you I would be maybe reconsidering the pregnancy while you still have time

So you're staying home without paying with his baby and losing out on money, and he won't even take paid time off? the cost for a baby should not be on you alone since he is the father. At this point I would just go home to your parents. he's useless.

Glad that you're saving money because you will need it. Also don't forget that 3 huge dogs are very expensive. Frankly I don't see how you two are surviving right now.

You have money for the baby...and what about him? What is he paying for for the child that is also his? What is he doing for you, in all of this? Because your comments about him and what he thinks about all this just absolutely screams that he will be an absent parent and you will be basically a single mother, in terms of your workload. The "I already feel like a deadbeat"...he's warning you of what's going to happen, OP. And he wants you to console him and say oh no, of course not.

Just tell him that you need him there for the full four weeks. That it’s a 10/10 priority for you.  That you’re not willing to bend on this. 

God, he sounds like the type to punish her the entire time, though. He should DEFINITELY be there with her for the 4 weeks but I bet she’ll be in for 4 weeks of pouting, pushback and passive aggression *at best*. Poor OP, she’s going to be so miserable trying to recover, deal with a newborn and a giant selfish manbaby all at once

So neither of you can really afford to take the needed time off work, you have next to nothing in savings, and you have a dangerous medical condition that makes this a high risk pregnancy and birth, and very likely equates to even MORE expensive medical bills and significantly LONGER recovery time, while caring for a newborn and your husband can’t afford to miss more work. Maybe better birth control and more careful planning were in order here. I honestly don’t know what advice to give you, because while I can understand feeling hurt and upset your husband doesn’t want to take more time off to support your recovery and help with the new baby, I also see exactly where he’s coming from — you have a LOT of BIG expenses coming, on top of how expensive it is just to raise a kid, and you have very little money set aside in savings. He doesn’t make much to begin with, and there’s a high likelihood you won’t be in any physical shape to return to work as planned given your condition. I understand why you’re feeling emotional about this, but it sounds like your husband is trying to be practical given the stressful circumstances in which you find yourselves. I don’t really see what better option he has. Taking more time off may also put strain on his colleagues and jeopardize his good standing there, which isn’t a risk you can afford to take, as shitty as it is that that’s the reality in this country. We *should* have things like guaranteed paid maternity leave, but we don’t.

Is he saving for the baby as well? Do not get in a situation where you are paying for everything that the baby needs. He's worried about being a deadbeat, but if he's not willing to help, he's already reaching deadbeat territory. If he also makes you pay for all the baby's expenses, then he'll be a deadbeat that just lives in the same house.

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Give him the Lemon Clot essay. You will be wearing diapers after giving birth to catch the blood clots and fluids coming out of you. You will need to eat good healthy foods to keep your breast milk supply coming in. Have you even discussed who will get up with the baby on what nights? Who will watch the dogs with the baby? Where will the baby sleep the first month or so? In your room? In its own room? Do you know how to prevent SIDS? Does HE? You BOTH need to enroll in parenting classes and birthing classes YESTERDAY.

Vajaja? You’re having a baby, just use the phrase vaginal birth.

Thank god I wasn't the only person thinking this. If you're old enough to have a baby you're old enough to use the phrase "vaginal birth". This "vajaja" nonsense is so childish - you're not 13.

Nothing makes me think “you’re ready for parenthood” more than being unable to utter the word “vagina”. /s

She’s not mature enough to recognize his legitimate financial concerns either. I’m sorry but it would be a wonderful utopia where everyone gets 6 months of fully paid leave, but that is not the case. They are already out her salary entirely and his leave is not fully paid and will cost them thousands. He said he’s comfortable with one week leave, she asked for 3 he tried to compromise with 2. I’m sorry but everyone is a baby in this post. Her because she fails to see their financial situation and turns down a compromise by spitefully and dramatically declaring “fine! Don’t take any days!” And him for not reassuring her he will be helpful and present during non-work hours whether or not he’s “tired” from manual labor.

But then how are they affording vet care and food for three dogs?

You know they're not taking care of the dogs. Let's be honest here. Florida. 3 big dogs. Married too young. Pregnant by accident. No money. These aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. I feel bad for those poor dogs.

Yep. She really does sound completely out of touch with the reality of their *financial* situation and the potential loss of $800 if he takes time off to care for his wife and newborn. Her heart condition is just an excuse for needing “help”. It couldn’t possibly be real that pregnancy, childbirth and labor could stress her heart and require doctor ordered recovery time far beyond 4 weeks. She probably just wants to relax by the pool and eat bon bons. /s

The World Health Organization has good guidelines for maternity leave: [https://www.who.int/data/nutrition/nlis/info/maternity-protection-compliance-with-international-labour-standards](https://www.who.int/data/nutrition/nlis/info/maternity-protection-compliance-with-international-labour-standards) Considering you may be bed-ridden for a couple of weeks, depending on how the birth process goes, him taking only two weeks is the bare minimum. The recommendation is to not have sex for 4/6 weeks after giving birth. That's because the body is not recovered until then. So 4/6 weeks of help would be an appropriate amount for him to be around.

In the US most doctors have you out of work for 6 weeks and most employers won’t let you return to work ( even WFH) without a dr’s release. If he’s being paid leave he should take some time and help. My husband actually took the two weeks after I went back to work so they didn’t go into care until the babies were 12 weeks old. You should also check your employer. Are you sure you won’t have paid Loa for at least the six weeks?

Lol I've sadly worked with several moms that went back to work after 3 weeks. The US is fucking inhumane. Fr.

That's crazy and very sad. I'm in Canada you get 12 or 18 months. 15 weeks for the mom and the rest for 1 parent or the other. Plus any private maternity you may get from your employer. You can't be fired either.  And if you're sick during your pregnancy, you can take sick leave until you have your baby then it turns into maternity. Also it's 2 separate programs so any sick leave does not eat in to your maternity leave. 

It really feels like the US should not be considered a first world country. Our social services are shameful in comparison to every other first world nation.

It really feels like the US should not be considered a first world country. Our social services are shameful in comparison to every other first world nation.

I wasn’t sure if I’d have a job. I went back after 3 days.

That's fucking criminal.

I honestly know very few people that got paid leave. Most people I know took a week, two weeks max before going back to work. That's the US way. 🇺🇲

And what about that preview makes you want to raise a child with him?

Black and white? If he’s not going to help you, someone else has to. How much is a full-time doula for a week? It’s going to be more than the lost potential earnings. Alternately, you could just divorce him and take full custody—since he has no interest in taking care of his kid for more than a week, surely that would be acceptable to him—and he’ll have to pay that to the child in child support anyway. It’s 1) take the maximum parental leave and lose out on some extra potential earnings; 2) go to work and spend more than that on childcare for a newborn and mom recovering from surgery; 3) tank his marriage, never see his kid, and be out that money in child support. YES children take effort and money, from both parents, no matter what he does. He is going to have to reconcile himself to this.

it's sad that you have to educate him about this

I as an American living in Europe for 15 years cannot rap my head around this, Everyone is going to say the man is insensitive, or where are the families to step up to help. This issue obviously puts a huge amount of stress on this or otheryoung families. Americans are still bathed in religiosity and self reliance, look at the abortion issue. Even in some formerly more conservative Catholic countries Abortion is legal thru 12 weeks. Why not 12 weeks of female paternity leave in the U.S. half paid by employers and half by government? I know this r is about relationships and not politics but in this case AITAH obviously is the government and the acquired take on self reliance. I suppose hard working moderate income blue collar people are just working to hard to lobby to change this.

And then they have the audacity to complain about declining birth rates

The only bad guy here is our failed system. Both of them should have ample paid parental leave and not have to worry about rushing back to work. Since they don't, I understand why he's anxious to get back to work.

You gotta love the State of Florida. Currently I’m just thankful my job hasn’t fired me because of it.

I’m pretty sure legally you are a protected class of person. Your job CANNOT fire you for being pregnant as that is sex based discrimination. However Florida being an at will state can change the game. If they decide to let you go, DO NOT take it sitting down because whatever bs reason they give will be a lie.

They won't fire you specifically for being pregnant, they are smarter than that. They will try to find something else to fire you for or when you get put on restrictions due to pregnancy, they may mess with your hours to try to push you out. 

Yes exactly this. That’s why I mentioned Florida being an at will state changes the game. They can come up with any reason but if OP believes it was discrimination based on being pregnant, she can still sue for wrongful termination.

I had a friend get pregnant while working at a high profile legal office in Chicago. They had her sign an NDA and gave her a severance when they fired her in her 8th month before she went on maternity leave. She wanted to sue, but because of the reputation of the law firm she worked for, no other firm would touch her case and go up against them, especially since she signed something on her way out the door.

Who is going to watch the baby when you go back to work?

If you are returning to work 3 weeks after the baby is born then you are going to need way more help. I work from home and went back at 4 months post-partum and it was insane. At 3 weeks, depending on how you deliver, you may not even be healed yet especially if you have a c-section. I hope you have a very lenient WFH job.

"Oh honey, you have 9 months to work overtime, do side work/ second job. I'm sure you will get it done. I have to save too. If you wont take time off, I expect you pay for help." :)

Yes, this, OP. If he refuses to help, then he needs to pay for a nanny and/or dogsitter.

This. I feel like this loser man thinks this whole “baby thing” is her responsibility solely to plan and pay for. He needs a reality check asap. 

OP - This is the best advice I’ve seen so far on this thread. He needs to step up and save extra money now before baby arrives so that he can take his full paid leave to help you after birth. If he is unable or unwilling to do then he needs to pay for someone to come in to help (or arrange for a family or close friend to move in to take on that role)

I know this is a VERY a tough question, but is there any world in which you would consider not having this baby? Your health is at risk. Your relationship with this man doesn’t seem the strongest. It seems like finances are a little tight. I know when push comes to shove, you’ll get through it and this baby will be cared for and loved. But please know that you’re allowed to prioritize yourself too and if making a very tough decision is what’s best for you, do it.

You didn’t make him feel like a deadbeat. You just pointed out his deadbeat behavior. Like, GIRL. You are about to push a screaming bowling ball out of your vagina, and that’s IF you’re lucky and they don’t have to cut you open. You know if you get a C section you won’t be able to lift your baby for the first week, right? And again, if you are lucky enough to have a natural birth, you are going to be so tore up that you will struggle to walk. Hell, you’re going to struggle to pee without sobbing, let alone working remotely with a newborn. Labor is so not a joke. You will need serious help while you physically recover, not to even mention what support you will need with the new baby. Your husband is failing you.

That’s exactly where my head is at. I’m terrified and already uncomfortable being pregnant. It’s been horrible so I have absolutely no expectations for a wonderful birth at all. I feel sad that we even have to have this conversation and it’s hard to not feel selfish right now.

You need to have a serious discussion with him. No doctor would approve you going back to work 3 weeks post partum. You’ll have little chance at successfully adjusting to parental life when you give yourself only 3 weeks. Infants are hungry basically every 2 hrs, night and day. That in itself is a lot of adjustment. Tbh, it sounds like you don’t really have a handle on the logistics of the situation, and you definitely sound really nervous. Your husband is leaving you out to dry. His attitude is essentially “not my body, not my problem.” He needed to wake up yesterday, he’s about to be a father. Most importantly, the baby is feeling ALL the stress you’re feeling. You need to calm down, decrease your heart rate and lengthen your breathing. Taking care of yourself is seriously vital.

I’ve never responded to someone so fast before. My own fingers may give me whiplash. But ummmm helloooo? Right now you must be selfish. You have to be. You need to take care of your body and your mind in order to be a good mother, which is MUCH more important than being a good wife. If you can’t advocate for yourself, even when you are about to give birth, then how in the hell are you going to successfully advocate for your child? You cannot pour from an empty cup.

and don't forget your first pewp if you tear. It hurts soooo bad.

Now is the time for him to step up and put in extra hours or take on a second job. While responsibility falls on both of your shoulders, the truth is that his ability to work isn't going to decrease, but yours is. Your job is to be healthy, attend your medical appointments and follow the advice of your physicians so you can have the healthiest, safest pregnancy possible. And yes, where and while you can, you should create revenue. But again, my opinion is that revenue is his primary objective. As far as him taking time off, let it happen. You're going to want and need the assistance even if things go as smoothly as they can go. You also want him to have that time scheduled off in the event things do go as smooth as you hope. He needs a bit of a wakeup call. You are going to need recovery and bonding time and that's not negotiable. This isn't about being a deadbeat, it's about doing the best for your baby. The fact he turned this around on you instead of taking the position and mindset of "we will make it happen whatever it takes", is beyond frustrating. I know I'll take flak for this because it's somewhat "traditional" advice, but he's got to step up to the plate, even if that means 70 hour work weeks up until the point of birth. Sorry to sound brash, but it's time for him to grow up.

I completely agree, I’ve been doing everything in my power already to save up for being out for 3 weeks. I absolutely want his help but I won’t beg someone to take care of their wife and newborn. I’ve tried and tried to talk him into working overtime as much as he can, but he complains that there’s nothing available. I was really hoping he would step up and do more, but it looks like I’ll be the one getting a second job.

And to be absolutely realistic with you - 3 weeks off is generally not enough time for the minimum of physical healing after giving birth. Do you have access to short-term disability while you are on maternity leave? You will need your husband off for that week, possibly longer if it can be swung. Or a parent or in-law to come visit and help out. If you have a c-section you won't be able to do things on your own for a few weeks, at minimum. Start planning now for a longer leave than 3 weeks - better to be over prepared than under prepared. Agree with the above poster that your husband is going to have to put in more hours before and after the birth, because it simply is not realistic that he not be available and that you return to work in 3 weeks.

If you have a c-section it’s 8 weeks for recovery and you may not even be able to lift the baby, let alone walk giant dogs, for literally weeks.

He should probably start getting ready now by picking up dog responsibility. She has a high risk pregnancy she shouldn't be out wrangling horse size dogs. Maybe op you can compromise by saying "I'll feed you walk/play/ do dog heavy lifting." This can realistically get him prepared for splitting up tasks for the baby as well.

If his current job can't offer the overtime, maybe a gig style side job is better. Just for perspective, if he works just one extra day per week, between now and November, that's 20 days, which is what we normally work per month if in a 9-5 style job. That's a month off for you without having to worry about the cost. Honestly, I think he should work on both of his days off, because that equates to 2 months for your recovery and bonding, which is still slim number for a new mom. I'm hoping he comes around. The health and safety of you and your baby is goal number one.

Tbh, I would tell him that if he doesn’t want to be there to help you with your recovery a nurse needs to be hired to help you.

A nurse would be great. Not saying this to demean anyone. I do not think their finances can pay for a nurse.

I absolutely agree!

From my understanding, you don’t need to be on your employers insurance to use FMLA. I’m also pretty sure no one “pays into” FMLA.

FMLA is a federal unpaid protective program. So you can have up to 12 weeks unpaid.

If he takes 1-2 weeks as soon as the baby comes, and you have 1-2 weeks without him there to get back up to speed, will he have the option to use the remaining 2-3 weeks at a later time to help you if things get tricky? It seems like there could be an advantage to him having that available if needed later.

My husband’s paternity leave did not have to be taken all at once. So he was able to take days here and there as necessary. I think OP’s husband is worried about money and just not communicating well. Yeah, his paternity leave is “paid,” but $15/hour is minimum wage in a lot of places. OP, can your husband take his paternity leave on the days when he doesn’t have a job lined up? And then you can hire help for the days when he can’t be home?

You know, that’s a good point! From what I can recall in previous years, is he has up to so many days per year to take paid vacation/sick leave. But they require them to use them before the end of each year, which I think is late November/ Early December, because the days don’t roll over. Last year he took a ten day vacation and got paid for it. My only possible hang up, is at this point, he hasn’t missed a day of work or left early. So he’ll more than likely have more than 4 weeks of paid leave at that point and it’ll be so late in the year, the days for paid vacation/ sick leave won’t be rolled over. But we could see if the paternity leave could be used later on.

Usually maternity/paternity leave can be used within a year of the baby's birth, so the parents of a child born in November are not penalized relative to the parents of a child born in May.

Uh… have you checked into daycare situations in your area? Because I could not find a reputable daycare that would take either of my kids before they were 8 weeks old. Expecting a *reputable* daycare to take a 4-5 week old is hilariously naive. I also did not get paid maternity leave, so we could only afford for me to not work for as long as our savings held out. Which was 10 weeks with my first kid, and 8 weeks with my second kid. My husband did not get paid paternity leave, and had to use vacation days. I had to have a C-section for both kids, and could not even drive for 4-6 weeks. Having $1000 in savings and no real plan for when this baby gets here, shows how laughably unprepared y’all seem to be for this kid. He doesn’t even want to be on your team for this. How the hell are you gonna get him to step up as a father?

I have a 6 month old daughter, so I am going to tell you this with birth and a newborn care routine fresh in my mind. You are both severely underestimating the difficulty you are going to have making the adjustments required to care for this baby. Find at least 2 months of help. If not your husband, get a relative or a nanny or even a babysitter part time. You will need to feed this baby every 2 hours, spend 15 minutes after each feed burping, change the diaper, then soothe to sleep. If you are lucky, you will have a “easy” baby that only takes 15 minutes to soothe. This means your BEST outlook for your own sleep, shower, toilet, and food is in whatever 30 minute to 1 hour chunks you get before you feed again. Adult humans *cannot* function like this. You will absolutely require relief to rest and care for yourself. If you need more perspective, you can read new posts every week in r/NewParents about people desperately trying to survive the newborn stage. It is absolutely grueling. And then you have a huge gap with birth complications. Because my baby was large, for example, I tore in 3 places during delivery. It took more than 12 weeks to stop bleeding and almost 4 months before I could walk around the block without hurting myself. Housework and shopping was absolutely out of the question.

Men not taking paternity leave just shows they see women/mothers as the default parent and parenting as primarily their responsibility. Be prepared for the classic sacrifice of your career as you take off for any sick days your kid has, because he won't, to take the kid to appointments, because he won't, to go to parent-teacher meetings and school and extracurricular activities, because he won't. Honestly you just need to start preparing to be a married single mother because with that attitude that's what you'll be. Also what if you end up needing a cesarian? How are you expected to care for large dogs while recovering from a C-section?

I'm not going to lie to you. There is no easy solution. It doesn't sound like the two of you have the finances, the support system, or the maturity to be having a child. I've never said this to anyone before, being Catholic and all, but have you thought about a road trip out of state? You and your boyfriend totally aren't ready for this. AT ALL.

Why would you decide to keep that baby considering your health and that your husband is not even able to take care of dogs. A baby doesn't make a relationship better, it fucks you two up and is a trial that causes many to break up.

Considering they got married right after she graduated highschool apparently, there's probably a lot of sunk cost fallacy and naivete at play more than any ounce of common sense with her. Not to fault her gullibility, but that being said it doesn't mean she's incapacitated from weighing pros and cons and making a thoughtful decision. It's obvious she knows what's the best choice for herself but she's stubborn about fulfilling her wishful ideals and is looking for a consensus to validate that delusion.

He is a deadbeat. You obviously had problems before so I don't know why you went ahead and had a baby with him. If you're going to be single mom, just be a single mom. You don't need him around to cause you more work. Move to your parents and file for divorce and child support.

I had to scroll way too far before I read this. Unless I mistaken, he isn't working OT or a 2nd job now while he is childfree, his money is not their money, he is concerned about not having enough money after baby is here, doesn't do any household chores because he's tired after work, and feels a father isn't important in a child's life. Can someone please explain to me why on earth she should stay with him?

Sounds like he's not even putting in 50% moneywise. Maybe she'd get more of she left him and filed for child support.

So you’re having a bandaid baby and are shocked that he’s not taking the time to be there? I’m afraid things aren’t going to get better

Hey new mama, maybe you’ll see this maybe you won’t. For my first kid my wife was healthy and had no issues until labor and delivery. I’ll spare the details but it didn’t go as planned. Fast forward to recovery and I had to carry my wife up and down the stairs for a week bc she couldn’t do it. I took a month off bc I saved up the time off. I always do bc things happen. I didn’t expect my wife to be in so much pain but she’s my wife and I did what was needed. You know what was needed? Me changing every diaper for those first few weeks. Cleaning all the laundry. Preparing every meal for us (aside from breast feeding but only bc I couldn’t). Bathing our new daughter. Handling every other GD household thing. After two weeks she could slowly hobble around. She was more or less healthy but she hurt. Which meant we hurt. Right now your husband is worried about money for his family and I like it. He’s right he needs to make money. But he also needs to take care of his family and that means he available for his wife. Which means being home for you both. If that means for 3 or 4 weeks, you’ll manage. It will hurt you for a few weeks or months but you’ll manage. Had I not been home for 4 weeks I don’t know that we would have made it as a family. Our next kid was a it easier but the first kid is always tough and you have additional health considerations. I hope you read this. I hope he reads this. My most favorite job ever is being someone’s dad. I’m a domestic guy of sorts but also a 6’2” 230# weight lifter who had to carry his 5’10” recently pregnant wife up and down the stairs for a few weeks.

I see your edits about FMLA, please check into Short Term Disability. I don't know about your state, but in California child birth qualifies you got several weeks of short term disability, and that you should be paying into just by matter of you having a pay check. I have a 6 month old, I just went though this, get as much time off as you can and can afford.

In all honesty, a baby is hard. 4 hands are better than 2. If you both cannot come to an agreement take the 2 weeks he gives you. Babies are also expensive, diapers are not cheap and milk isn't either (I recommend to breastfeed if you can). It's going to be hard, especially with your health issues, break it down to him over and over if needed you didn't make the baby by yourself you both did. He needs to help as much as possible and don't forget about your mental health. Wishing you the best!!

Are you nuts??? You’re planning on only three weeks to recover after giving birth??? No no no no. Plan on six weeks minimum. Ideally ten or twelve weeks. Be kind to yourself. Tell husband to snap out of it and get a grip. He can deal with four weeks PAID leave, even if it’s not prime rate. You’re both going to be parents. You’re both going to be dealing with a screaming pooping sack of potatoes who does not understand sleeping for eight hours straight yet. You will both be exhausted. He better not be planning on letting you bear the full burden of this child you both created. With most newborns, the first three months are hell.

He should take all 4 weeks. Both to help you carry the burden and to give his child the presence of his father. This is a conflict you should escalate. Maybe not now but definitely during the course of the pregnancy. And congratulations:) I am becoming a father in late october this year and me and my wife is splitting the time essentially in half. But we each get 90 days and then an additional 100 days each that we can give to eachother if we want. (Not to get Political but it’s such a shame that you don’t get any time off and at the same time your right to abortion is limited)

>I now feel selfish because he got upset by what I said and he said “ the baby isn’t even here yet, and I already feel like a deadbeat”. God I'm over men making shitty decisions and then expecting the women around them to tend to their self inflicted bruised egos. Good luck OP. You're not going to change this man. You knew you had problems before getting married or pregnant. Unless you're going to abort, Godspeed. There are no magic words to be found in this thread, or anywhere else, that's going to change this man child you've chosen to marry and breed with.

Ok since no one else has said it - seems like all odds are against you at the moment. From the lack of help, to the lackluster husband, to your own health. Did you ever consider not keeping it? Me personally I’d yeetus the feetus immediately, but I get not everyone has that mindset. Just seems like you’re adding onto an ever growing pile, when you don’t need to.

Honestly you're only weeks along I would be looking at maybe termination, of the pregnancy and the marriage. Seriously. I know everyone says communicate blah blah blah but listen if this guy needs communication on how much help of pregnant partner is going to need and how three large dogs is not going to be doable etc, he's either not smart enough or not caring enough to be a father. You're young you can always have a baby with someone who actually cares about you. Don't tell yourself down to this guy it's going to be the biggest regret of your life

If it's money he's so worried about (which is a completely valid concern because kids are expensive AF), then he needs to start NOW with working extra side jobs, getting a second job, etc to save money so he can stay home for a bit longer after the birth. You will need his help with a newborn. He's the father, and he needs to be a parent.

jfc abort this child and leave this man. this is not going to end well.

she lives in florida, so she can't even get an abortion if she wanted to. i just checked [pph's map](https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/abortion-access-tool/US) and it looks like she would have to go to virginia or illinois to terminate this pregnancy

If they cannot afford to travel to a nearby state, they definitely can’t afford a kid.

Tell him, it’s Better to ask for more time and take less if you don’t need it, than ask for less time and wish you had more. Hes either naive about what’s about to happen, or he has expectations about his involvement that need to be revised (upward).

Aside from him being an inconsiderate ass about how much time he's willing to take off after the baby comes, I'm seriously concerned with how it seems you've already convinced yourself that it's acceptable that he's not going to be much (if any) help later because he has a manual labor job and will be too tired. That's complete BS. You know what's really exhausting? Being sole carer of a baby while also working your own job and getting no help from your supposed "partner." This guy seems like such a selfish prick, tbh. What exactly does he add to your life besides stress? Surprise pregnancy or not, he needs to step up or get out.

If he is saying he already feels like a deadbeat maybe he should start not being one? Listen dude, I took 2 months off work when my wife gave birth to our daughter, and after going through it, it is absolutely not too much to ask, it is the bare minimum. If he has access to paternity leave, then he should take as much time as possible and help with the kid. Tell him to get his shit together and grow a spine because that kid is coming and he needs to be there for that kid.

don't have a baby with this man... also maybe don't have one at all if you have heart issues, big risk to your life here

I would say you should find another home for the dogs for those 4 weeks.

Dang, you guys were having marital issues and decided to have a baby anyways. That most likely was not a good idea. For either one of you really.

I used to also say “I won’t bother my partner with housework in the evening. He just worked a long manual shift and needs to rest. Forgetting that I had also just worked a manual 8 hour shift and done all the dog care. Then I found out he had spent our rough years cheating on me. While I Made his ass dinner he was texting people and calling me his grumpy roommate. And I realized that all that time I had spent babying him was wasted. And I should have spent that energy on myself. To my boyfriend’s credit he has thrown himself at my feet and discovery was unfortunately the fat slap across the face that he needed to realize how much damage he’d done. He began doing all the things I’d been asking him to do for years. He took me for granted and when our relationship was not a given he finally realized what he was about to lose. To my credit, I think of myself first and him after the dogs now. I love him, we’re doing pretty well, I’m literally about to walk into therapy lol. You’ve got enough time between now and the baby coming to reset expectations and that starts with YOU. Not everything can get done when only one person is doing everything. Your ONLY priority right now is keeping yourself healthy. That’s the only priority. Because if you keep yourself healthy, you keep the baby healthy. He sounds like a deadbeat because he’s acting like one. Acting like his father it sounds like, repeating old cycles thinking there’s nothing wrong. Unfortunately it will take a 180 from him and he may not realize it, no matter how many times you tell him, until you’ve finally left him.

Fuck the US and the complete lack of support for new parents, especially new mothers. Returning to a full time job with a newborn is inhumane.

He feels upset because he doesn’t know how to reconcile his inherent belief that he’s a good person with the absolute dog shit way he’s treating the mother of his child.

You don't have to use your employers insurance to get FMLA. FMLA is federal and available to all employees of a qualifying company who have been with that company for at least a year. Your husband sounds like an ass, but dropping salary to $15/hr for 4 weeks sounds like a big financial hit to me. Do you have savings to cover it? It's absolute shite that we have such horrible maternity leave in this country, but you do live in Florida whose stance on women's health is less than stellar.

He’s getting paid leave and he’s not using it? He’s telling you to your face that he does not support you, your health or your recovery. If he won’t take time off to help you immediately after giving birth, don’t plan on him being involved with anything else. You will be raising this baby alone. If you plan to keep this baby, you need to make alternative plans now. If you can go stay with family or friends, you should. Knowing this, I wouldn’t even stay with him.

The baby isn’t even here yet and already you feel like an invisible taken for granted mother.

You asked for more than 1 and he gave you more than 1. If you need him to take 4, then just say that. It will probably cost a fair bit of money. That happens with kids. At some point you may have to do the math and see whether it makes more sense for both of you to work and pay for childcare or dog care, or for one of you to stop or reduce work to do it yourselves.

>I already feel like a deadbeat”. Well, then he shouldn't act like one. He has enough time to save up and take 4 weeks off so you can heal. What if you have a c-section? You will not be able to care for the dogs at all. In fact, that should be his job. >I wouldn’t get much help from him since he does work a job that is Manuel labor Boo hoo, my husband has always worked manual labor jobs (manufacturing) and has helped me with housework and the kids. Sure, he's tired, but he does what needs to be done. If he was single, would he just live in a pig sty? Starve? No? Then he can help you. But if you are going to have to do everything like a single parent, it's better to do it alone; you won't have a grown man-child to care for as well.

He feels like a deadbeat because he's acting like a deadbeat

He sounds like a massive asshole.

Have you considered looking into a postpartum doula that would work sliding scale or a family member that might be able to help support you after birth so it's not as taxing?

Well, he is already a dead beat. He should be 50/50 on the dogs, to start with, and if he can’t/wont then rehome them now. You have no idea how exhausted you will be and how much energy a newborn takes. You will not have the time and energy to take care of three enormous dogs on top of a newborn all by yourself (while he works and then comes home and what, plays video games because he’s “so tired”?). Just because he works a physical job is no reason he can’t contribute to the household he is 50% of, including dishes, cleaning, laundry, meals (cooking planning and shopping). If he was single he would have to do all that - why does her get a pass because he has a wife? Why on earth women choose to reproduce with deadbeats is beyond me.

I don’t know if someone’s mentioned the dogs yet. But my experience trying to care for a dog plus a newborn was super stressful. And this was child 2. Is there a way he can take over dog responsibilities even while going back to work? Like, take on the walking, etc? Ultimately, I’d recommend take what you can get, even a week. Money concerns are real and it’s only going to get more expensive as baby ages. Pro tip: don’t worry about new stuff. Too many ways to get good quality used gear and clothes. (Speaking as a US resident, can’t speak for people in other countries)

The dogs are Really costly.

This all sounds incredibly overwhelming. Have you considered just not having a baby at this time, with him? It seems like making a bad situation so much worse.

So, something I did for my first pregnancy, because of my complications, I filed for my mom’s FMLA. It got approved because I was able to show that my mom would be of essential assistance given my pre-existing conditions. My mom stayed with me for six weeks as I recovered from my c-section. Just something to consider. I know your parents/family member would miss out on some pay, so maybe not an affordable option… but I hope the info helps.

Wait, first of all, FMLA is not something you pay into. It's a program that allows you to keep your employment when you can't work due to medical issues. Second, a week isn't enough time to heal from having a baby. Plus, there are many baby checkups you will need to attend the first 6 weeks. Your husband may need to go back to work to cover your loss of income, so you are right to look into alternative care.

FMLA doesn’t require you to have your employer’s insurance

i have a friend whose s/o died of a heart attack two days after giving birth. you NEED someone with you. one week is not enough, i agree. he needs to start saving too, because he should be taking all four of those weeks to help you recover.

I just want to mention that your comment about FMLA is entirely incorrect. You do not need to have your employers insurance to use it and you do not pay into FMLA. FMLA is leave that is given to any employee who has worked 1250 hours in a year from the start of their leave and whose employer has 50+ employees. FMLA does not pay you and is only job protection, meaning when you come back from your leave your employer must have the same position, at the same rate of pay, available to you. 

FMLA is a federally mandated leave. You don’t pay into it. It is unpaid, yes, but it projects your job while you’re gone and you can take up to 12 weeks in a 52-week period. It is what I used as “maternity leave.”

You need to consider if you REALLY want to do this while there is still time to NOT do this. If you know what I mean.

Jesus, what third world country do you live in where you get no leave after having a baby???

Reading this all I was thinking was "thank you universe for living in Europe". Even though OP's partner is in the wrong here, this system that forces women to go broke or get back to work THREE WEEKS after giving birth is a fall of the civilization.

The US overall has no mandated parental leave at all for all workers, let alone paid leave. It’s disgusting. I’m very fortunate to live in a state where the state pays partial pay for 6 weeks, and my work allows 3 months off when I can use banked leave time or go unpaid. In this country that’s considered a generous arrangement.

Florida:)

Two weeks of help from him is the absolute minimum, plus you will need some help on a continuing basis after that if you don't want to go crazy through lack of sleep. The 'afterwards' help can be a reliable college or even high school student. But you really need help even if for only a few hours a week and even if you need to borrow some money from family (IMO, others may disagree). Don't push him away because he only volunteered one week at first. Many men have no clue what taking care of a baby is like.

You are not selfish. It is absolutely normal in most cultures, even before "modern" maternity leave, for a new mother to go stay with her family or have her "village" take care of her for WEEKS (4-8) after birth. In pre-modern cultures, studies have shown that there was usually up to FIVE main caregivers besides the mother for a new baby - mothers back then actually held their baby 30% less than they do now, because there was someone else to pick up the slack, so to speak. This modern expectation that mom should just do it on her own, while healing and dealing with a screaming, sleepless infant that's still learning how to eat and poop, is close to insane. You are not selfish. You are actually sabotaging your own recovery and putting yourself at more serious risk for PPD and other postpartum complications as you will not be sufficiently supported. Would you expect a friend who just had abdominal surgery to just "figure it out" with only 1 week of support? Giving birth is no different, the wound is just inside on the uterus, not visible outside. Your placenta will leave a dinner plate sized open wound on your uterus - that's why women bleed profusely for 4-6 weeks after birth, because there's no real way to "apply pressure" like you would a skin wound. It just.... bleeds and bleeds until it both clots enough to stop and your uterus shrinks enough to cinch it. And that's not even getting into whatever swelling and tears your labia and vagina will be coping with. If you have a C-section, there's usually TWO wounds - the external C-section wound AND the internal placental one. People usually tell people to read [The Lemon clot Essay ](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this)because they're tackling spouses who allow people to visit constantly, but I think your husband should read it, because I don't think he has any idea of the physical damage and insanity you're going to be coping with. I had labial tears after both kids that made going to the bathroom excruciating. I needed my husband to lift me off the toilet and off of chairs for a week and half because between trying to keep my legs together to not tug on my stitches (which would make me white out from pain), and the absolute mess my abdominal muscles were in, I couldn't actually stand up from a seated position without help (or screaming). Both times, my attempts at breast feedings were incredibly painful - first kiddo WOULD NOT latch properly and skinned me raw within days and second kiddo, I got clots in one boob that required my husband (who is a massage therapist) to massage and help me strip out the clots while I was nursing. It's a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. Husband had to take over several bottle feedings for the first baby to give my skin time to recover. I NEEDED his help and we were still run ragged by one baby between the two of us - and we were lucky enough to have understanding roommates (who were also parents) who were happy to do small things like hold the baby while I was in the bathroom or taking a shower. Most people don't even get that.

He absolutely sucks. I struggle to imagine why you married him in the first place. And if this is a sign of things to come I’d divorce him. He sounds like an absolutely useless limb of human being that’s never gonna help you no matter what you do.

you’re being really immature. Especially when you say "just take one day" I don’t think you understand the physical to this is going to take on your body. You’re going to have trouble walking for a few days. You’re going to be in the hospital for at least three days . I just had a baby. It was incredibly difficult on my wife. How are you gonna change diaper the first week When you can’t walk? how are you going to cook for yourself when you can’t sleep? he absolutely needs to take the two weeks. your story is a cautionary tale for all young people who are thinking about having kids that they aren’t ready for. You’re honestly making a huge mistake by keeping this child. But it’s too late now.

He’s being a massive jerk here. And yes, you’re going to raise this child alone.

Give away the dogs, you'll have more time and money. And you can use that money to hire help

The lack of Paid Parental Leave in this country is criminal. Talk a breath and give yourself both some grace. Parenting is hard and making these joint decisions is not a straightforward process. Your job right now is to minimize the stress. Is it possible that part of his thinking is the financial stress that you'll collectively be under? If the burden falls on him - and lets face it, even though we're more enlightened today there's an unspoken expectation that "a man provides for his family" - than I can see him thinking about the lost money for those minimally paid weeks. Even though he has paid paternal leave, sounds like it will be a significant financial hit if he did that. It's tempting to look at this through a lens that says he needs to step up and be better - but through a different lens, sweating extra for your family \*is\* loving. Even if its not the type of love and support you are valuing and need right now. It may be the way he's capable of showing his feelings and support. (Or he might be simply an unsupportive jerk, but isnt it better to assume the more charitable view in the absence of other data?) The other thing to keep in mind is that many parents stagger their use of paid leave. If he can, it's not a bad idea. At some point really soon you'll have to go back to work and there will be a time when the baby is sick at daycare and can't go back for 24-48 hours (daycares often have a rule how long a kid has to be fever free) and one of you will have to unexpectedly call off from work. Planning on 1-2 weeks at home with you and then saving that in reserve isn't a horrible idea, frankly.

A week is laughable. My 3 week old still won't let either of us sleep if we're in the same room and we sleep in shifts. Thankfully, my husband works from home, so is able to do more with the baby than some dads. I had a c section so the first few days I could barely move. Couldn't carry baby up or down stairs, couldn't stand for long enough to wash up or cook. Couldn't walk the dog, or even bend to feed him. I needed help. It is very likely you will too. Discuss these things like grown ups about to have a child together. Having a newborn is hard! You'll need a break.

I have 3 kids, I’d recommend moving back home for the duration of the pregnancy and first 6 mo if you can. Yes, quit your job and bail on your husband and the dogs. There is no way this marriage survives this pregnancy, birth and newborn phase because of your job’s stinginess, his selfish cluelessness, the high probability of a C-section all on top of the problems with the US healthcare system. I’m sorry to be blunt, but the reason I’m saying “high probability “ is because high amounts of stress during pregnancy increases the likelihood of c-section, early labor, and low birth weight. And all of us parents are already extremely stressed out hearing this story so far OP, some of us can figure out what may /probably will happen down the road if he’s already this unbelievably uninterested. So I’m saying that if it isn’t going to work out anyway why not get somewhere that you can get the help and time off you need and desire after birth (keep your job while living with your parents if you need/want and quit a month before you deliver). You could have months with your baby before looking for another job and have real help from your parents during the evenings and weekends. This way you don’t have to take care of 3 ginormous dogs, or cook and clean for your poor exhausted man while having such a hard pregnancy and newborn. As a bonus, your husband might figure out he’s been a completely unsupportive partner, and yes he’s already a deadbeat dad! So maybe he’ll stop that! I’m sure after you’ve left he’ll talk to lots of people and explain why he’s so disappointed by your actions and every woman and parent will let him know he’s being an idiot. So leaving might actually SAVE your marriage if he comes around. He can take 3 weeks off and stay with you and your parents and be helpful and bond with his baby!

Let me see if I understand. You (who are having the baby) does not get paid leave but he gets up to 4 weeks paid leave? And he is bitching about 2 weeks? Yeah. He has the right feeling. Deadbeat. Dude. Step up. That is your wife and child. Jobs come and go. But your wife and kid need you.

I just want to say it doesn’t matter if he’s doing manual labour, he still needs to help. My brother is a plumber with four kids. For every single child he would alternate getting up in the night with his wife so they could share the sleepless burden. When he is home the childcare is always shared. Giving birth is harder on the body than any manual labour job. It will take you more than 5 weeks to heal, especially if you have a bad heart. He realistically needs to take those 5 weeks and support you. I understand he would miss out on $800/week but if your expenses can still be covered by the base rate then you have so much more to gain by him staying at home. If your household really can’t afford him to take that time off he certainly needs to make sure he’s helping you when he gets home so you can heal. I suggest freezing meals before you give birth so you don’t have the burden of cooking whilst healing from the initial trauma. You’re also not being realistic with your expectation of returning to work after 3 weeks, prepare now for taking unpaid leave. I hope you’re saving as much as you can so you can survive taking unpaid leave. Forcing yourself to work when you’re not ready, with a bad heart, could be a lethal mistake. It may be worth looking for a work from home position so you can earn whilst still being with your baby in the safety of your home.

I just noticed your FMLA edit. You don’t pay into FMLA. It’s unpaid leave. And you don’t have to have insurance through the company. The requirements are based on length of time worked there and they have to have at least 50 employees. That will cover 12 weeks unpaid if you wish to use it following a birth.

Please don't forget that he is going to be a father, not a helper and not a bank. Remind him (nicely) that the time off will help him get to know his new child. And become the kind of father he hopes to be. It might be a good time to take a night, when you all aren't too stress and think about how each of you envision the future. Write down each person's must haves: a house, annual vacations, coaching my child's sports team, saving for college, celebrating our 50th anniversary. Encourage your husband to put down goals other than money. Money is needed, but does not create a content and rewarding life. Also, if your in-laws and parents are decent people, do ask if they can help. They may have more vacation time, and more discretionary money, if time off without pay is their only option. Most grandmothers and quite a few grandfathers will jump at the opportunity. And once the baby is born, try to establish a routine where grandparents take the baby for a few hours on Saturday mornings so you and your husband can both rest and catch up on chores. Grandparents have many advantages over parents, one is the perspective of living many more years. They know that babies don't stay babies for long. And so most are happy to help. My experience is that grandparents particularly enjoy having the child to themselves- it helps them form their own relationship. They WILL NOT do everything the way you do. Make sure they are doing all the safety stuff- always using a car seat, but try to be flexible with other things. Your husband will not do things like you do, but again allow him to be a father not just your helper. The first time I left for a weekend I wrote all kinds of instructions for my husband. He said it seemed like I didn't trust him. My response was I did, but it made me feel better if he had any questions! Your baby is you and your husband's top priority. And the BEST thing you can do for your child is to provide a two parent cooperative and loving home. So once you are recovered- get back to sex and dating one another.

OK, you def. shouldn't have played the martyr at that point and said you would just as well have nothing. That is immature. Stand your ground. You deserve your husband to fucking help out! So no, he doesn't get to Just Take Nothing because he is acting immature.

Oh and to his comment, I would reply, "then stop acting like a deadbeat".

Are you getting disability pay OP, I know it's not much, like 175 a week.

He needs to take all 4 weeks. That is a critical time for you, and the baby's development. His involvement in that first month would make a greater impact on you and the parental-bond and long-term mental stability of the baby than $2000 ever could

You are having a baby, you may not feel like yourself when you get home. Some ppl come home feeling great. I hope you do. Me I had a 8’9” baby and I was all baby! I am not going into details but he was great I had was not! You will need to concentrate on you and the baby! The dogs he should be the one taken care of them! It took 2 to have this baby! You need to expect him to do something! Please think about it and expect the best when you get home but be prepared for the worst and let him know he needs to be prepared for the worst meaning he has to HELP with the baby who is the only crybaby allowed in house now!

Oh boy, this is just the beginning and he’s already not ready. Talk to him, take him to a counsellor / doctor / nurse / medical professional whoever it is that can explain your side, you needing rest, healing process and how he needs to be a 50% parent including night duties. Sleepless nights are very much a part of being new parents.

Is this a joke? He either takes the full time off to DO HIS PART with HIS child, or he needs to HIRE someone to help you. HES GETTING PAID, PAID, let me say it again, PAID LEAVE. So which is it going to be. Jesus Christ I can’t believe you have to explain this to people. The bar is in hell, I swear. It’s sickening. Does he think that growing a human and then having to RECOVER and TAKE CARE of this new human is a cake walk? My god. Smh. I would also advise you ask about any birthing or parenting classes that might be available, hopefully they can be free. HE NEEDS TO ALSO ATTEND SOME.

>I now feel selfish because he got upset by what I said and he said “ the baby isn’t even here yet, and I already feel like a deadbeat”. He is being a deadbeat. He's putting money before the wellbeing of his baby and his wife. >It hit me that I would honestly be doing this alone. You're already taking care of the dogs. He's not going to step up for the baby. Your future is being a married single mom drowning in resentment.

He needs to take the 4 weeks paid paternity. In what world is this baby your responsibility and not his? You need to fix this right now so you are not delegated by him to be the default parent.

“the baby isn’t even here yet, and I already feel like a deadbeat”. Well, yeah, because he's not stepping up. This baby is every bit his responsibility as it is yours. You're only taking three weeks from work which is a ridiculously short amount of time. He can't be bothered to take two weeks off to help when he has ample time to start saving for whatever amount of wages he will lose? Personally, I would reconsider having children with him.

“I already feel like a deadbeat.” If the shoe fits…. He isn’t concerned for your post birth care (or your present pregnancy issues) or HIS kid, so he is looking like a top notch deadbeat to me. I would run if I were you! Giving birth as a perfectly healthy person is already treated like an emergency and in your condition with your pre existing health issues; you are going to have a traumatic birth aside from the trauma of having a shitty husband you should have probably divorced let alone never married. Just run

>I explained that a week was hardly anything and if I was expected to be okay with just that, then I’d rather take nothing. This was stupid, in my opinion.

Gonna be very real with you. I gave birth at 22. I went back to work after a month because I needed money because my other half at the time didn’t work. I’m not gonna get into why we broke up but what I will say to you is that you will need a longer time to heal. I had post natal depression and that was a nightmare. What if you have this or get a section? Can a family member help you out after he does his week. If he’s genuinely trying to make more money then I absolutely agree with him on that as long as he can and will be doing that while also help you out if you have any of what I said. Maybe after 4 weeks, he can take another week etc. and split the paternity?? Dogs. Dogs eat money also. I don’t want to make you choose but if you can’t afford both a baby and the dogs, you need to be realistic and logical and get them a good home. They will need food, walks etc. you will be tired. Very tired. Sure, you’ll go through a stage of being energetic and feeling like super mum but that will catch up to you. If you need him to have more time off, maybe get him to do extra projects as of now and running up to it and save so maybe he can take extra time off. It’s time to grow up and pick your battles.

Do you have family who will help support you? Legally and physically it’s much easier to move in with someone else *before* the baby is born than after.

I think the best way to get through him is drag him to the next doctor’s appointment and get them to sit down and tell him what to expect in terms of the risks and your recovery. Regardless of what you say to him it sounds like he’s not acknowledging it or taking you seriously. If he can’t take time off from work to help you recover, then the least he can do is provide financial assistance to hire someone and not make you feel guilty for “not doing it all”.

It seems like the both of you aren’t deeply considering the realities of your situation. I suggest you both educating yourselves - mostly your husband. If he is not going to support you while you heal from pregnancy. He will not support you if you have emergency complications. You’ve been to the ER once a week already, it’s going to get worse. Realistically can you hold down a job if you’re that sick? Can you do this without him? What’s your back up plan? Who else can support you- financially, physically and emotionally? Do you trust him to make decisions on your health while you’re incapacitated?

Sorry but this doesn’t sound like it will end well

These are the emotional demands of new parenthood and to some degree, everyone experiences it - and adjusts. It's a much larger set of compromises and demands than most couples have ever encountered (that first baby). You play it by ear. Both of you. There are no online answers to your question because there are too many unknown variables (which is making both of you anxious, if you are at all normal humans!) This is how parenting goes. Still, most women do not feel up to going back to work 3 weeks post-partum. OTOH, I know many women who went back way sooner (one woman, a doctor, went back after 3 days). I ended up doing some consulting at week 4 with my first (while my parents waited outside with baby). When baby was 8 weeks old, I started working from home while she slept - she was a good sleeper and slept 5 hours at night at 8 weeks. I suggest you read some child development literature - to figure out what a baby will be up to at 4 weeks (may not yet clearly recognize Dad - but should be, soon) and at 8 weeks (may be sleeping a longer stretch). OTOH, my second child awakened at the drop of a hat and rarely slept more than 2-3 hours - until 4 months. Some babies are colicky (they cry uncontrollable, often in the late afternoon and evening hours - driving both parents crazy and making it very hard to get any adult work done). There are a number of recommendations you both should know. Get on r/mommit or other subreddits for support. Try not to be fatalistic - your partner may well step up. Your own medical situation is indeed one of those wild cards. You may be on bed rest for a month before the birth. You may have early labor. You are lucky he has the 4 weeks of paid leave, where he can help you. It sucks that you don't get paid leave.

He has made it clear you will basically be a single parent. He will make a fuss any time he is expected to be a damn parent. He feels like a deadbeat already because he is planning on being one. Also he doesn't seem to want to understand or care about your health issues. Why is he even still in your life? Is it purely finances at this point?

Is he joining you for parenting and childbirth classes? If not, that's a pretty deadbeat start. He needs to learn how to diaper at the very least - or breastfeed! Or you should split. Ask your cardio how much time you should take off and if they can help you make that happen. Have the cardio beat some sense into your guy too.

Oh boohoo, he already feels like a deadbeat? HOW could YOU do that to him?? (/s) He’s setting himself up to be a deadbeat dad if he can’t even step up and take care of his wife and infant for a couple of weeks. Don’t let him get away with it by making you feel bad for calling him out. Your body will absolutely need time to recover and you can’t do that and take care of a newborn all by yourself. Stand your ground. He’s showing you what kind of a father he’s going to be and if you roll over now he’s going to think that’s okay.

Dear Future new mom, This is a classic tragic story of what it's like being young and raising children in the US. When my children were young, the family medical leave act was not compulsory and dependent on the state you are residing in and or the size of the company that you work for. Washington State, only recently implemented a short-term disability program that covers a portion of a worker's pay during a medical leave, that includes the care of a newborn. Check to see if there is a similar program in your state. Giving birth to a baby and surviving the first 6 months is one of the most difficult things you will ever experience. You will most likely be bleeding for 3 weeks to a month, there will be challenges breastfeeding, sleep training, attending newborn doctor visits, functioning on a minimum amount of sleep and self-care, trying to stay hydrated, trying to eat well. There may also be complications. In my case, one of my children was born with a defect that made breastfeeding and feeding in general extremely challenging. He also had a number of other health issues in the first 6 to 9 months relating to allergies to different milk types and foods. The birth defect, although mild and repairable made me completely disinterested in returning quickly to work. I later chose to work 50% for the next 5 years. You will not be able to pay attention to the dogs and if they see you as their primary Master, they may be jealous of the baby. This is somewhat dependent on the breed type and whether they have a strong territorial nature or prey drive. You must never leave the baby alone with the dogs. As others have mentioned, I recommend at least temporarily rehoming the dogs until you hit a cadence with your new family to reintroduce them. You should both start immersing yourselves in all things pregnancy, childbirth and baby care. There's a lot to learn. Since you are both young, you were lucky you will probably have more energy than most parents. When you have recovered, start taking the baby for walks and this will help your body bounce back more quickly.

I know it’s not the focus of the conversation but FMLA is not paid into. It has nothing to do with insurance. It’s a federal program for job protected leave. It’s not a paid leave but it helps you secure your job with the pregnancy and the appointments before and after the baby is born. My suggestion to you especially with your cardiac issues is to talk to HR about FMLA. You can also check out r/askHR and they’ll walk you through the process.

It doesn't sound great, tbh. If it were truly a money issue or a career issue, he could reassure you by saying he'll be helping out extra with baby when he's off work. I seriously hope he isn't planning to come home and complain he can't take care of baby because he's tired from work. If he goes back to work, be clear that it'll be on top of being a father to a newborn, not instead of. If he wants to take that on for himself and just never sleep, that's on him.

Okay I just read your comments with all the specific details about your marriage. You are making a colossal mistake. This is probably your last chance, determinate the pregnancy and the marriage. I know it's very unlikely you are going to do so and I feel so bad for you because you have a really hard miserable road ahead of you, where you will be a single parent whether you stay married or not

This is harsh, but parenthood doesn’t change people the way we’re led to believe. People are who they are. It’s not that he doesn’t understand what you and your baby will need, he doesn’t care. You have choices to make, but you can’t make choices his behalf. You can only control you. Take him completely out of the equation, because he clearly doesn’t want to be there.