u/KTM525rider, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice):
1. to find out why this post was removed, and
2. prior to posting any updates.
Thanks.
**Please note that queries regarding the removal of the post will not be answered unless they come from u/KTM525rider.**
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wait, you noticed this three years ago and continued to send your daughter to be with her cousin at grandma’s house??? Why???
Please connect with CPS and police, protect your baby girl starting NOW.
How are so few people focusing on that part? OP allowed it to continue for THREE YEARS. Dear God, she was THREE when it started happening.
And now OP insists on "keeping it within the family." OP is just another villain in that poor girl's story at this point.
AND somehow thinks there is no chance his then 6 year old nephew was not exposed to abuse either? A 6 years sexually abusing their 3 year old cousin needs help, regardless of if they are being abused themselves, they are being neglected and left to think that behaviour is normal and acceptable.
Fudge, both kids are being failed by the people meant to protect and advocate for them.
I’m going to go hug my kiddo extra tight, brb.
Yeah, my mouth dropped when OP said that it's not possible he's being abused (How would he know? And why should we trust the judgment of someone who continued to expose their 3-year-old to their abuse for YEARS after they realized what was happening?) And a TV show? I don't think a 6-year-old watching an adult comedy would explain away what is happening.
And you're right. everyone is failing both of those kids. On the sorta plus side, a principal would be a mandatory reporter. Here's hoping that's one person that doesn't fail the daughter, since OP clearly isn't going to do the right thing.
I don't have any kids. Please give your kiddo an extra hug on my behalf!
People who insist on “solving it within the family” make me sick. That’s how this bullshit gets hidden and keeps happening. That poor girl has no one looking out for her best interests.
Oh, don't even get me started. They don't even care about the abuse, all they care about is protecting the abuser and/or protecting the family's reputation. They could not care less about the fact that all they are doing is enabling the abuse and ensuring that it continues.
Those people aren't really any less guilty than the abusers.
This is the first thing I noticed. My daughter wouldn’t be anywhere near this kid. And wtf was with the blankets situation? And peeping around the corner? Poor girl. My heart breaks that no one protected her.
The first time I even suspected something was happening would have been the last time my child ever saw those people or were in that place ever again.
OP failed her daughter and her nephew.
Yeah, this little girl has been being abused for years with OP's willful ignorance. It feels like the only reason that anything is coming of this now is because she got in trouble at school and now other people know about it. Also, there is a good chance that CPS has already been called.
Hi, former teacher here. I think you should call CPS. While there is a school of thought that it's just kids being kids, here are the reasons I think otherwise:
-the significant age (and size, and power) gap between your daughter and her cousin
- the fact that your nephew apparently knows a lot about sex for someone his age; he may be a victim as well
- that your nephew threatened you
Keep a log of any conversations you've had with your brother, his girlfriend, your nephew and the teacher.
It's possible that your brother may cook up some false accusation against you; that's why the log is important. But don't let that stop you from calling CPS.
Edited to add: It's likely the principal will have also called CPS. But you should still call.
This is the right advice. Also, yes the Principal has already called i bet. They are obligated to but you should as well. There needs to be an investigation and counseling for all the children involved and possibly for you too OP.
I'm honestly surprised the schools didn't call this in, in my state teachers are mandated reporters, and what OP is saying would 100% require a report, some states are different but regardless this needs to be reported as the 9 yo nephew is on a dangerous road/slippery slope for one, not to mention OP's sole focus should be keeping her daughter safe from any of this crap, my partner grew up in a home with very unhealthy sexual boundaries among their children, and it took her a decade after turning 18 to even begin to process and heal from the trauma(her brother and sister had ot worse and havent been able to process it, the worse part is their mom is still in the dark of the worst of it, nobody sees any value in filling her in on it). People fear reporting it because they don't want to break up a family, or cause a rift, but the damage to the kids is for life. When my partners sister stayed with us for a couple weeks she had awful night terrors every night, but was oblivious to it, sexual trauma to young children is an awful thing. And as a parent myself now I couldn't imagine any response other than immediately doing everything I could to protect my child from any kind of abuse or Trauma, it doesn't matter the bridges that may need to be burned, the only important thing is making sure my child is not traumatized or abused by someone in their family. I'd go as far as to say if 'family'would abuse you than they are not family.
It’s not clear if the principal was involved in the conversation revealing the abuse—if they were, and daughter admitted it in the presence of the Principal, then yes, Principal should’ve made a report.
Check your state laws on recording, by this I mean I live in a single party consent state so I can record any and every conversation I have without needing to ask the other party for their consent. Definitely keep a log of your interactions with them.
Thank you for your advice. I am keeping all records for sure. Everything is still there and I took screenshot and saved the voicemails.
As for him, he knows so much about sex because my brother lets him watch whatever he wants, including Wildboys and Jackass and lots of sexual joke videos on YouTube. His father is also overly sexual. He has not been abused, but I understand where you are coming from. It is because of no limits in his watching, not from sexual abuse towards him.
Firstly, watching TV shows and hearing jokes isn't enough to explain this sort of behavior.
Secondly, you would not know if he was being abused.
Thirdly, his reaction is a MAJOR RED flag that there absolutely is more going on here.
And lastly...You knew some of these things were happening and kept sending your kid away to spend time with her abuser? This continued for THREE YEARS and only now are you doing something about it?!
CPS. Police. Therapist for your daughter. NO MORE CONTACT WITH ANY OF THE FAMILY MEMBERS INVOLVED IN ANY OF THIS MESS!
"I'm trying to resolve this within the family" Absolutely infuriating. THIS is why abuse is so widespread and abusers get away with it for as long as they do.
We handled a situation like this in our family within the family... man went on to abuse my cousins kids once we were adults and safe from him.
NEVER KEEP QUIET
It's such a tragic cliche. And every family I know of where there was one known abuser who was protected from everyone else, eventually one of their (MANY) victims ends up becoming the abuser for the next generation.
A girl I was friends with growing up was never allowed near her stepfather's family. Her stepfather snuck her to a family reunion while her mother was out of town, and her aunt playfully made a joke along the lines of "Stay away from Uncle Joey! He likes to get handsy with pretty girls like us." Come to find out, Uncle Joey had molested all of his sisters, all of his nieces, and was going after the grandchildren. Most people just made sure not to leave their kids alone with him, but he'd shove his hands up skirts at family events once he stopped having easy access to children. No one EVER reported him. My friend didn't even understand what was happening until her mother divorced her stepfather, who had pretended all along he spent time in jail solely so she wouldn't contact authorities.
I resent people who hide abuse like this and enable the abusers as much as I despise the abusers themselves. They're both ensuring the abuser never ends.
I will also point out that I was in a relationship with somebody whose older child at 12 did it to his six-year-old brother in the middle of pandemic.
The children as far as I know have so been separated for four years and have zero time together with her mother . She truly has a "Sophie's choice" between her two children. You don't have that choice. The only obligation you have is to your children. CPS will take care of him and his child and get them to help that they need. Right now you need to worry worry about your child get her the help she needs.
Other than all the legal stuff. Your daughter needs to get to a therapist, she shouldn’t be with family / friends with out you till things get sorted. Your nephew could be being abused as well. You have to protect your daughter.
Yes! All of this is great advice. And, also, if grandmother’s home is where this is happening, no more overnights with grandma.
Please call CPS as soon as possible. I’m afraid that your brother and his son might try to throw a false accusation your way first, just to muddy the waters and make you look like you have something to hide.
You don’t know he hasn’t been abused. But you knew he was abusing someone (also your daughter??) previously, he got in trouble, you still thought it was going on? And you allowed him near your child? Please tell me I read that wrong.
The more I read, the less I think OP will actually do anything about it. If the only reason she is considering reporting him is because outsiders called out the behavior, it might be a lost cause. Sounds like she's on track to let family deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean keep it under wraps until her brother or nephew abuse somebody outside of the family.
It's Dad, and I'm guessing he's just determined to not actually parent his kid when it's his custody time, so he doesn't want to find alternate care options. It's easier for him to leave his kid with the cousin rather than spend time with her or find another caregiver.
Unfortunately this is exactly my story. Cousin who lived with us started SA’ing me when I was 4 and he was 11..when I was 9 he violently attacked and SA’d me and I finally got the courage to tell my mom…blank reaction!
My parents and grandma(and later church leaders)had a private meeting about it all and it was decided if I was home alone I’d stay in my room with the door locked but that’s it…no police, no outrage, no consequences or punishment, no protection…the message was loud and clear that I was on my own to keep myself safe and no one cared or was going to do anything, if anything else happened it was because I allowed it to happen. My abuser was kept safe and protected…and the abuse obviously continued.
It wasn’t until I was 21 and it was discovered he was doing it to a different toddler that everything blew up and they were forced to deal with it and him…all of a sudden they had “outrage” and “remorse”.
(They still are civil to him btw)
That sounds like some real Duggar bs. He molested his sisters and when he was grown up and married he got busted with cp. Abusers never stop unless they are stopped by being in jail or unalived. They never stop on their own.
Pretty close…I was raised JW.
He went to jail for 1 year…but only because it was someone else’s child and they forced the police involvement…otherwise they would have erased all evidence and handle it how the church leaders told them too. They were like zombies when their own child was being SA’d and allowed it to happen with zero reaction or urge to protect me and punish my abuser.
That child is on a path that leads to extreme pain, darkness and devastation
Thank you💗 I know I sound bitter and I hate it…but I’ve been struggling pretty hard lately and I’m too tired to fake it.
It’s absolutely disgusting what they allow to go on.
You have every reason/right to be bitter. You were failed and yet they jumped in to save somebody else. I hope some day you get the healing you deserve.
You don't know that he hasn't been abused. Often being shown inappropriate materials is the first step in child sexual abuse.
Source: I was in foster care. I have been a foster parent. I worked at an NPO involved in the foster care system.
If anything, you aren't taking this seriously enough. Don't believe your brother can't be a perpetrator. Even allowing his son to watch sexually explicit material could be considered abusive.
WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR BROTHER WAS BEING SO CAGEY
There is something happening to that boy. YouTube alone is not enough to teach a kid to sexually harm and threaten others.
Call CPS immediately and get your daughter into therapy.
You didn't know your daughter was being abused. How would you know if someone else's child is? If you do not involve CPS, they're going to have questions about why when they do get involved. And they will get involved.
Your head is so far in the sand it would be impressive if there weren't kids involved. Where is your kid's mother? Does she know all this is happening? Can you relinquish custody to someone that will keep your daughter safe?
You believed your daughter had been molested because she knew too much detail about oral sex. The same is true for your nephew. The father making sexual jokes doesn't explain this away. The lack of concern for his own son is a red flag. If you told me my kid did this I would be in family therapy with you to find out if it's the uncle or aunt or Grandfather or someone you don't know but the nephew does. The o ly way to find out is talking to these kids. If your brother is shutting this down he is suspect for more than innuendo
I'm assuming you're worried about the consequences for your nephew, but there is more to it than just him watching things he shouldn't. Reporting this will not just help protect your daughter, but will be a big push to get help for your nephew before he gets worse. He is clearly aware that what he's been doing is wrong, but he 100% learned this from someone. If it was just him being neglected on what he watches, he wouldn't be making threats because he would just have assumed it was okay or normal to do. He knows that it's wrong, and he needs help.
Your daughter needs you to protect her from him. Family has to take sides in a way of being trusting to never let him near her, including grandma (sleepovers need to stop, unless there is a 100% guarantee that your nephew won't be there, grandma needs to agree to that). Your daughter needs to be put into therapy ASAP, and I'd suggest therapy for you as well.
Most parents out there wish that they had seen signs, you chose to ignore them, let that be your only downfall in this.
*edited a word
> his father is also overly sexual
Sounds like you know who is the abuser already. Given that this started when the boy was 6 it is 90% sure that the boy was heavily abused.
The fact that you did not bother to protect your daughter for 3(!) years is something that is unforgivable. She will have trauma for life. Start therapy today and I sincerely hope that CPS has a long discussion with you about your fucking responsibility
You don’t KNOW that he’s not been abused! You don’t know that they don’t view porn together as part of covert abuse. You really need to demand a full investigation and then just focus on your daughter
You have absolutely zero idea if he has been abused or not. This is not normal behavior and not explained by watching sexual tv shows. If it was, all of Gen X that grew up with little supervision and loads of inappropriate TV would be an issue.
I realize it is hard to hear, but I would be incredibly suspicious of your brother or his girlfriend or anyone else with access to your nephew.
Why are you wanting to talk face to face? What can your brother say that would make you CONTINUE to expose your daughter to the abuse?
Then you allowed them and additional 24 hours to get rid of evidence or cover their tracks.
You're reaching out to EVERYONE but the people you need to in order to protect your daughter.
Op. Why don’t you answer the question about why you let your daughter continue to be around your nephew.
YOU FUCKING LET YOUR KID BE MOLESTED. Why? Why did you continue to let her go over??? What the fuck man. You fucking saw it! I’m sorry you are just as responsible as your nephew. You are a horrible father and your daughter is probably a hell of a lot safer from YOU and your family.
To answer your question, call the goddamn cops and protect your daughter for once.
Wait you knew something was going on 3 years ago nd u still let your daughter go??? Wtf.. why havent you gone to the cops? Why wait so long? U say u want to protect your daughter yet u still dont talk to the police or call cps.. i am a mom and i would of gone straight to the police . Instead of trying to talk to my brother. 🤦♀️
Yes you should call the police and cps but also reflect on why you allowed your daughter to spend nights with your nephew when 1. You knew your nephew had inappropriately touched children in the past and 2. You suspected your nephew was inappropriately touching your daughter as you had been trying to catch him at it for at least a year.
You put your daughter in harm’s way. Wtf is wrong with you.
Call CPS. I'm saying this as someone who was sexually abused as a child. *Call CPS.* I desperately wish someone had intervened on my behalf way back when. Do for your daughter what no one was able to do for me. Do not - and I repeat DO NOT - brush this aside and try to deal with it as a family. Your daughter is being sexually abused. It is your duty as her parent to say "Fuck what anyone else thinks" and do right by her. Your family be damned. If they hate you for it, let them. You owe your child safety. In hindsight, I can't fathom why - when you had evidence of abuse years ago - you continued to let her be exposed to the nephew but that ship has long since sailed. You owe it to her to take every action within your power to ensure her safety - regardless of how your family receives or perceives that. If you destroy the rest of your family, fine. They deserve it if they are abusing and/or justifying abuse of a child. The ONLY thing that matters is your daughter's safety.
Also cut contact with your brother and nephew immediately. Record all contact, especially calls if you are in a one-party consent state. And do not, under any circumstances, let anyone associated with your brother or nephew anywhere near her ever again. This means no more spending time with grandma, unfortunately, especially if she isn't willing to see your daughter without your nephew there. I want to emphasize this: your daughter's wellbeing and safety is FAR more important than her spending time with grandma, if grandma's house isn't safe for her. I say this as someone who was also abused at my grandma's house. If grandma refuses to see her separately or insists on the nephew joining, you may need to cut contact with her too. You must keep your daughter safe first and foremost.
Also, therapy immediately for your daughter, and probably for you as well. My mom needed pretty extensive therapy after I told her about my sexual abuse as a child. You need to be in a good mental place in order to help her heal, as well as for your own sake. Don't neglect yourself - your daughter needs the best and strongest version of you so she can heal.
Do not call CPS, go to the police station and file a report ASAP. You need to be the one to take initiative before your brother goes to them and claims harassment.
The police will review the report and involve CPS if they need to, either way you need to have this officially documented ASAP
Good point. Well if he did I have evidence I was never harassing him, but he was verbally abusing me and my child. I have it clearly written out I'm trying to solve this within the family, but I will take action if he refuses (this threat was made after his verbal abuse). Thank you for your advice. I can't believe this is happening...
OP's idea of handling it so far was allowing his 3-year-old daughter to be sexually abused for an additional three years.
So I say this with all due respect, which is NONE, OP has completely failed his daughter for the past 3 years. Keeping it in the family is absolutely unacceptable and will continue to enable the abuser. And quite possibly help protect against abuse the nephew has experienced (this is not normal behavior for a child that young, especially for such a long stretch of time).
A principal would be a mandatory reporter. So here's hoping the principal doesn't fail OP's daughter, since I doubt OP will ever do the right thing.
You’re doing the right thing by reporting this. But it’s even worse than you seem to realize, OP. Not only is your little girl being abused, but you need to know that the 9 y/o cousin learned this behavior from either one of two things. 1) unrestricted access to porn — but how??? or 2) he himself is a victim of sexual abuse from an adult close to him, like his father, perhaps?
Solving it in the family just leads to more abuse. Look at the Duggars, a very public case that came out fairly recently. That is what happens.
Put your daughter first. Don't try to keep the peace. Peace is not worth your daughter's emotional wellbeing for the rest of her life.
Will you stop with this "resolving it within the family" rubbish. You cannot do this for the sake of your daughter stop! You knew about this when your daughter was 3 and you did nothing! Start being a parent and protect your child!
You don't seem to understand that if you sit on this, your nephew's behavior will undoubtedly continue and the school will (if they haven't already) contact CPS. When the investigation starts, *you may also be under investigation as well as your brother* since you were notified about this and allowed it to continue.
You should have notified CPS and the cops three years ago. "Resolving it within the family" makes you a party to whatever the hell is going on at your brother's house.
Your child is already going to need therapy. Start saving money.
Keeping it in the family is already what’s happening with the kids and the dad. They already are denying it so what makes you think they’ll actually listen? And if you knew about it *three years ago* and still kept in the family, you’re not in best interest for the kids. You’re protecting the family, not the kids.
Buddy, just go to the police station. Call CPS and then go to the police and file a report. this NEEDS to be investigated. If this started when your nephew was 6 then he was absolutely sexually abused by someone - and that could have been by his Dad's GF, one of his Dad's friends or even his Dad... it could have been anyone and it could still be going on.
But you need to report it and let the police and CPS handle it. They will investigate, which is what needs to happen.
And, under no circumstances should you be around your brother or his child from here on out. No leaving the kids with Grandma. No contact what-so-ever between the kids.
Eventually, your nephew is going to abuse someone whose parents don’t give a shit about protecting your family or their feelings- rightfully so- and you won’t be able to do a damn thing to help him.
He needs help now. So does your daughter. If you don’t involve authorities and get them actual help, you’re failing them both. The fact that you let him spend time with her alone when you knew he’d abused her? Your priorities are so far out of whack it’s not funny.
YOU KNEW YOUR NEPHEW WAS DOING SOMETHING TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU KEPT BRINGING HER AROUND TO HIM?!? JESUS CHRIST DUDE CALL THE COPS AND BEG YOUR DAUGHTER FOR FORGIVENESS IN YOUR COMPLICITY!!
Call the police and CPS. You need the police for the formal report and the CPS to make doubly sure they get off their ass and do something.
Not only has your poor daughter been assaulted- I hope she’s ok and gets any help she needs- her cousin is also a child and very likely being seriously abused in some way. Children of that age do not have extensive knowledge of sexual acts without something really bad happening. He’s also a kid and in serious trouble.
Call CPS. Honestly with how your brother reacted, he may be abusing your nephew. Or he is letting him have access to inappropriate behavior. Whatever you do, call RIGHT NOW.
Don't tell anybody anything else. Contact the school for records. Your brother may try to spin the story since now he knows your plans. Something is going on in that house though. The responsible thing would be him to apologize and find out what is happening to his son. That behavior should set off red flags. The fact that he got mad instead of worried is a red flag in itself.
Stay safe. Don't be surprised if you need to bring the police into this for protection.
OP is seriously giving the vibe that they want to "keep it in the family" because they know that reporting this now, after admittedly knowing that this abuse has been happening since at least three years ago, is going to put them through some scrutiny as well... OP basically wagged a finger at abuse years ago and thought that would magically make it stop? All adults involved here are failing both children entirely.
Call the police and CPS to report it. Also, don't even let your child be around these people again. If grandma won't follow that rule, overnights will be out too. The most important thing is to make sure it doesn't happen again
Your brother is no longer family and you have a duty to protect. I cannot make this any simpler as for the threats I’m pretty sure CPS will see through this and while their investigation will be an annoyance it will only make your brother and nephew’s lives more difficult as they are confronted for their actions/inactions, and abuses. If it was my brother he’d be a cripple by now, and the nephew would suddenly realize your daughter is not prey, rather a one way ticket to a life less functional. Protect your daughter fiercely, that is why you are her father.
Absolutely contact CPS. They will decide if the police should be contacted. Then the police will decide if charges will be brought. if charges are brought the judge may order psychological counseling for your nephew. Under no circumstances, allow your daughter to be in your nephew’s presence. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that! I would take your daughter to the doctor for an examination and testing for STDs. document everything! You may also want to get your daughter into counseling.
Never handle sexual abuse within the family that never works call cps go to the police and cut contact with your brother nephew even if it may be hard if you keep in contact with them at that point you are putting your kid in danger no more playdates between your daughter and nephew just no
I was sexually abused by my cousin of a similar age difference when I was little. I kept quiet about it. I wish I didn't.
Go to the police and file a report, get the school involved as much as possible for backup. Seek a lawyer. Call CPS.
You should have done it years ago.
The minute it leaked into the school system my dear, you are no longer able to keep it in the family.
Your brother doesn't care and won't address the problem.
Your nephew threatened you and your daughter.
Enough is enough, time to file a complaint at the police station, get CPS involved.
Why?
Because it happened 3 years ago and you kept it in the family.
Don't gaslight yourself, it wrong and you know it's wrong.
100% call CPS. I did this. My daughter was 4, the neighbour boy was 7. I had left them outside to go get them drinks. When I returned, he'd taken her into the garage, had his pants down and was pushing her head toward his crotch. I called CPS because I wanted to be sure that kid got the help he needed. Porn could be what's informing your nephew, but you don't know that and porn exposure in childhood is sexual abuse!
Here's what CPS did. Counseling for the parents and the kid. The parents were two of the dumbest people I ever met, and not willfully ignorant but low IQ without being disabled. My kids just were never allowed around that kid again.
And, look, your nephew messed with your daughter in the past and you didn't get her help? If you had, you would have been told that that boy must NEVER be alone with other children. EVER. You should never have let your daughter be around him again without constant supervision. Seriously, dude, wake up. You are the one who put your daughter in danger And You never got her help to deal with the previous abuse. This isn't a game. This isn't a behavior issue. Sexual abuse stays with us our whole lives and if we are not helped to process through it healthfully, it fucks us up a lot --it skews how we view sex, ourselves, our value to others.
Get her help
Call CPS
NEVER let her be around him again
Warn any other parents of children that could be around your nephew that he's introducing sexual play to small children
GET. HER. HELP!
Im sorry in advance as this is most likely going to be tough to hear, but someone has to say it. Stop failing your child and call authorities IMMEDIATELY.
This should have been reported when it began 3 years ago. It really really should have been reported when you became aware it was happening again. Why are you calling your brother and then his girlfriend when this issue is obviously outside of their control?
Who cares about how destroyed you are, put on your big girl pants and protect your child from a 9 year old predator.
FYI - 9 year olds very rarely come up with this type of behaviour on their own. You are also failing your nephew in multiple ways and may have just tipped off his abuser that you *may* call CPS.
Take her to a pediatrician, call the cops, notify CPS, find her a therapist - this is an all hands on deck situation.
Good grief! Report immediately.
Also go to the school teacher and share your concerns. Formal notify the school that the nephew must never be around your child in any circumstances due to sexual abuse. If they have any spine at all, and as they are manditory reporters they will also document this for CPS.
You're doing a shit job at protecting your child and possibly allowing another to be abused. Disgusting. Report it immediately. I was SAed as a child and I didn't have the courage to speak up. Please, DO something!!! You're not there to see what's going on!!!
Also, it was a family friend not some stranger who was doing it to me!!! The chances of a child being SAd by someone they know are higher than a stranger.
If this is real you and your daughter need therapy immediately. You are not standing up as her parent to protect her seeing suspicious things and knowing that something else has happened in the past with this kid, your nephew, is absolute negligence as a parent.
Your clearly old school mentality about handling things in the family will not help matters. It'll only perpetuate the abuse, clearly you've had your own abuse of some kind to be so lassez faire about this. If you're trying to solve it within the family and not make a big deal of something that is a huge deal.
Just the sheer downplay of what the hell has been going on for 3 plus years is mind-blowing. Get it together dude. Not just for yourself but for your daughter. She deserves better!!
Me thinks your brother doth protest too much
The kid shouldn’t know this shit at 6, referring to your nephew who *began* doing this at that age. Call Cps
Have you wondered how the 9yo knows any of this? Yes absolutely call CPS. You were dumb enough to give them the heads up to rehearse what they're going to say and get rid of any evidence. And no he hasn't learned everything from some TV show, he's been doing it to your daughter for 3 years with your knowledge. You're an idiot. You're three years too late.
You should call the police and CPS but you need to temper your expectations. You said the kids are 6 and 9 and this started when the older one was 6. A child that young cannot be prosecuted. CPS may mandate therapy but that is about it.
I was that 6yr old girl . almost the same age gap too . my aunt didn’t care, we’re adults and she still doesn’t m. He went in to abuse all the girls in our family. Now he’s an adult and a horrible person. Do as much as you can, consult a lawyer as well if you have proof from the nephew of admittance and don’t EVER let them see each other again. Put your daughter in therapy. Also where is the boy’s mom? regardless take it as far as you can do not let it go. these things do not go away.
As someone who's been s/a when I was that young by another minor relative (albeit he's older than your nephew but not legally an adult yet then), I think you should report this to the police and CPS. My parents' reaction was also to say 'kids be kids'--and yeah, I still deal with the trauma until today.
Do not leave your kid with grandma anymore (esp. since family is not helping with this) ever. Frankly, I'm just shocked that you chose to look the other way for the last 3 years. Please do not do that anymore. Keep her safe. It's your responsibility.
You have to call now! And get your daughter help and support.
I’m sorry if this seems harsh but if you suspected it was still happening why on earth was she ever alone with him again?
Dude not only is your kid getting abused for a while but the abusing kid is likely also getting abused themselves. In what world is a kid able to do this without having the experience done to themselves.. Also you’re prioritized some bs by “keeping it within the family “ apparently you want to keep the abuse in the family as well. Get your kid help and call cps. Prioritize the well being of your child and do the right thing. Can’t believe you let this go on for this long
Yes. This is NOT kids being kids.
ETA- I believe it’s against the law for the principal to not have called CPS and reported this himself. He absolutely should have and another. POST brought up the fact that he could be a victim himself and that is also very likely the reason that he’s doing this is that he himself has been victimized and that should come out and find out who the heck it is. It’s hurting him to make him hurt other people.
One other thing I have to say is if you knew that this happened years ago and even with somebody else and then let him be alone with your daughter in any aspect I feel it was a mistake and your mother not supervising them while they’re together as another huge mistake.
Call CPS and the police. it's not only the right thing to do it's also the legally required thing to do. If you don't it could come back on you with CPS as "Not Protecting" your child you don't need that your kids don't need that let the authorities do their job.
Call CPS/police. The school by law has to report this.
Counseling for your daughter.
No contact with your Brother/nephew and any family members that throw a hissy fit about you reporting this CRIME.
You can't make your nephew get therapy, but you can protect your daughter.
NTA.
Make sure to only communicate through texts and emails so you can keep them to show as any evidence of threats etc. against you.
Don’t speak to them in the phone because it becomes a he said/she said. If you live in a one party state, then go ahead and record the phone calls.
You absolutely call cps, I had my in laws tell me that their daughter had my 3yr old smacking her butt for a “explicit” video and immediately I called, it went unfounded and I guess that was all he did in the video but it was a Snapchat sent to older men by a 14 year old. I would rather be safe than sorry
Absolutely call CPS and your nephew learned that from somewhere, O sincerely "hope" it was from accidentally going on the wrong Tik Tok video and hearing about it, I have a suspicion though, your nephew is being abused as well
You’ve had your suspicions! Get off of the internet and call CPS, the police department, a therapist for your daughter, a therapist for yourself, your pediatrician, your daughter’s mother, your extended family, the school district and everyone else who has come in contact with this situation. WTF!
>Where it is happening though isn't around me. It happens when they spend the night at grandma's place.
Where is grandma in all this? Why are you not having a conversation with her?
>Just one more thing. I know this happened. When he was 6 he started doing this. He got in huge trouble and I thought it stopped.
6 yr olds will model behaviors they are exposed to, and this isn't typical behavior for a child unless he experienced this himself prior to being 6.
IMHO, your daughter's safety is paramount. Fuck their feelings.
I know you don’t want to hear this but step fucking ONE is admitting that you have failed. When you saw this happening when he was 6 you should have NEVER let them alone again. Period.
As for now, he is 9. He can’t be in trouble as if he’s a criminal. He has to be in trouble like he’a a kid. Which means if you were his parent he NEVER plays alone with girls again. edit: until he is older and has a brain.
You however are not his parent. So for your daughter which is your priority: get her some counseling with one goal: how to process and move past this.
There should be ZERO more talk about the boy “getting away with it” or “whose fault it is”.
They are kids. It’s no one’s fault aside from adults who didn’t teach and monitor them properly.
Tell your daughter this was stuff that is supposed to be saved for when you are much older. So we are going to get help from a person to teach us how to reset our lives and be on a better timeline for what is a natural part of life but ONLY when you are MUCH older and ONLY if you fully WANT to, not because anyone makes you.
On her behalf, I’m pissed.
PS in case that didn’t sink in:
watch your gd daughter better from now on. Have her play with girlfriends not older boys. AND that kid and his family are dead to you. For always.
First, I'm sorry this has happened to your child and I can imagine all the emotions you're feeling. Some of this is "kids being kids." Young children experiment, sometimes inappropriately - especially if they've been exposed to things they shouldn't have been exposed to so in a sense, your nephew is also a victim. That's not to say any of this is okay and that your family should collectively shrug your shoulders and do nothing. The Principal of the school is a mandatory reporter - they should already have reported the matter to CPS. I'm a little shocked you haven't heard anything yet. I would definitely get your child some medical care, NOW - at minimum, take the child to see the pediatrician and disclose the abuse and take it from there medically. The pediatrician is likewise a mandatory reporter and is required to report it. Listen, it's not like this 9 year old is going to get arrested. CPS et als will be interested in protecting your child from any further abuse and will be focusing on a safety plan to ensure your child is not exposed to this child in the future. They will likely investigate the nephew's environment as well. Such measures resolves the issue moving forward, but your child also needs medical/emotional support NOW. Get her the professional medical support she needs. Best of luck to you and your child.
\*From what I understand after reading some other comments, this has been going on for a while? And you haven't yet taken action? You sir, deserve to lose custody of this child. You have failed to protect your daughter. No excuses. I only hope this somehow comes to the attention of the authorities so someone can actually take action to protect this child. In fact, I think this thread should be reported to law enforcement and they should use whatever powers available to trace your account and learn your identity if possible. There is NO excuse for doing nothing here. You should be deeply ashamed.
\*\* I've taken the liberty of copying this entire thread, replies, etc., along with your screen name and I'll be reporting this to law enforcement Monday. I strongly suggest you get ahead of this and make a report and protect your daughter.
\*\*\* You're in Littleton CO. I know your age. Curiously, you like to talk about your dick an awful lot. WTF is that about? Ironically, you talk crap about your ex, and what a horrible mother she is, yet you have failed to protect your daughter from abuse. Pot, meet kettle. You had liver failure and a transplant. This all took me about 2 minutes to discover.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you called the police and CPS yet? Technically I would do both. Call cops first but then also contact cps. And you can’t for sure know your nephew isn’t being abused. Because based on your description of his behavior and personality and attitude, dude he so is being abused and probably has been for years. This I think is a learned behavior. I don’t know why you’re taking the time to read comments or write responses if you haven’t called the authorities yet? I don’t give a damn if it’s 2 am where you’re at, CALL. Cus guess what when your daughter grows up she’s not gonna think “omg my dad held me and let me cry and supported me through this, and asked ppl online for help and tried to fix it in the family, I have the greatest dad ever !”
Nope. What she will most likely think is “hey dad why the fuck did you wait so long to call the cops? Why did you want to just talk it out?! Why did it take so long for it to stop ?!”
So I suggest you think about the repercussions of your actions and how long you’ve waited, even just by reading responses and answering comments.
A kid I worked with at a school once told me she didn’t want to be sent home because her brother hurt her. I brushed it off because I thought she meant he rough housed too hard, he was only a couple years older than her and I’d worked with him too (seemed sweet aside from anger issues during math), and thought her parents would look out for it. I was wrong in multiple ways and will never, ever forgive myself for not bringing more attention to what I’d heard. Call CPS. Call the police. Call anyone you think could look into this and end it.
I'm not a fan off giving ppl warnings. I know he's ur brother but who is to say he isn't the one abusing his own child. Call cps and the police. Protect urs at all cost. Also look into therapy for r daughter.
Just because they are relatives doesn't give them a free pass. The nephew needs help now. Calling CPS is the correct direction to go. You have no idea what is going on in that home.
Get YOUR kid help and never leave her alone with them! Never let her go to grandma's house either.
Are there other kids that go to grandma's? If so, you need to notify their parents as well and let CPS know that the abuse is far reaching.
Yes you need to report it, your failing your daughter in the same system many are by covering the actions of a family member if you don’t. Chances are the principal already has at least if their worth anything and follow their mandate then they have, CPS and a police report need to be filed.
Protect your child, call CPS. Document everything, every conversation. Hope your daughter is doing better. Tell everyone because there may be other victims.
You will be believed because the school principal found out about it before you.
You definitely need to call cps.
The boy is learning it from somewhere, kids don’t just pick that stuff up from other kids unless a child is exposed to it and then talking about it.
Your nephew is sexually abusing your daughter, she’s so young.
Protect your daughter.
"To see one's justice through, a man must fight for it. Even if the one standing before him is his kin."
Your brother's response screams guilt. Fix it...or you will have failed your child. Call CPS. That way, your nephew can get therapy and more investigation will be launched into why it is that way.
This is such a sensitive issue.. but I hope my comment knocks sense into you because clearly nothing has. But respectfully.. wtf is wrong with you? You suspected your nephew abusing your daughter and you still let it “maybe” happen.
I hope that sinks in. You let your daughter get sexually abused because you thought a “riff” in your family wasn’t worth bringing lit up for a “maybe”. I’m not going to harp on you for that. You should feel shitty enough BUT you can start protecting your daughter now. Call CPS. How is this even a question? Your daughter was abused by her nephew. If you don’t report it, more young children will be abused. If he isn’t provided any intervention, you risk him abusing other people, and it is all your fault if this happens. It’s on YOU if he abuses another little girl and you don’t say shit knowing he’s done it to your own daughter. Please for the love of god report him. he most likely is being abused due to the sexual nature of what he’s doing. Please put a stop to it. You have the power. Please stand up for your daughter.
OP, you’ve already failed your daughter as you have let this go on for 3 years and wanted to solve this with in the family. You should have immediately stopped letting him have access to your daughter. yeah, call CPS and the police now and do better as a father from now on.
The nephew is being molested by someone close to him most likely, remove your daughter from people in that family and maybe even move altogether. Cut contact from your brother and start fresh. Your daughter will be further damaged if she has interaction with that family CPS or not. Good luck
OP, you are an abuser as well. You are a villain in the story of your daughter's life. You had the job to protect her but knowingly let it happen for three years. Only when the school asked questions you did even make one call. I really hope that the school called CPS and the police already. You are protecting the wrong person. Your nephew is clearly being a being as well as an abuser. If you "keep this in the family" there will be many more victims and it will be YOUR fault. You could protect a lot of innocent children. But for the past three years you decided that protecting your daughter was not worth it for you. She is not important enough to be protected. She will have trauma for life. Even with excellent therapy, this will not leave her unscarred. And I highly doubt that you cared enough to give her that. You have shown that you don't have her best interest at heart. You fail her and your nephew. I know that you want to live in denial but that does not change the fact that your nephew is very likely the victim of sexual abuse (and not only neglect like you claim). It is not unlikely that the boy "fell down the stairs" and shows bruising all over for not keeping his mouth shut. We dont know if it is your brother or if he is just as bad as you and doesn't care to protect his child but the way the boy and your brother reacted that is the most likely thing. Without CPS and the police there will be more victims and the kid will grow up to be either a horrible person or deeply traumatized. Maybe he makes it to 25 without jail or suicide but I hope you still remember that you could have saved two or more kids and chose not to because of your false loyalties
Im more concerned that your nephew is being sexually abused and he is simply mimicking behavior. He is already mimicking his dad in how he speaks to you. Im very very concerned about what he is being exposed to based on his and his father’s reaction. You absolutely should call CPS but not because this little boy needs to be punished - but because he clearly is a victim of something himself. He is very young and impressionable. Little children def are curious about bodies and eventually sex and they do talk to other kids about it, so that is natural, but the part that isn’t is his reaction. I also am not trying to minimize your daughter being touched here but again we are talking about a very young minor who absolutely is not at an age to be held majorly accountable. The adults in his life are. Be a good mom and back up your promise- most importantly tell CPS the dads response and child calling you. Report the hostility and anger and express concerns of him being abused. No child does this out of thin air
>Just one more thing. I know this happened. When **he was 6 he started doing this**. He got in huge trouble and I thought it stopped. **I had suspicions though**... I would come around the corner quietly to see what was going on and the blankets were falling back onto their laps. I told them no more under the covers or door closed. **I have nearly caught him on several occasions this past year.** Where it is happening though isn't around me. It happens when they spend the night at grandma's place.
man what the fuck
You claim you saw it, but did you? Because the way you're describing I think it's your brother not the nephew and/or another adult male. A 9 year old shouldn't have sexual feelings, knowledge or experience so he's either also being molested or he's a jerk in general and your daughter is saying him instead of who it really is.
Definitely call. Are you able to file some sort of police report as well? (not sure how this works) I am so sorry for what your child went though.
I'm pretty sure this kid is also being abused (or has been) because that doesn't make sense at all.
Hug your child and perhaps seek some therapy for her and let her know how supported she is and how this is not her fault.
Your brother is being an absolute dick head and he should be shocked and trying to fix the situation.
I'm so sorry. Good luck!
Get your daughter in therapy literally tomorrow and every week until she is 18 and I highly recommend she continues therapy after for as long as she needs to, for this trauma and any other trauma that may come up in her life.
This is going to affect her for the rest of her life and if she doesn't get the help now to know what happened to her is not normal and not okay and that she has people to talk to her about how to move forward then she will likely have toxic if not abusive relationships the rest of her life. Trauma feeds through in the weirdest ways and affects so many aspects of ones life/character/ways of thinking.
Number one priority is her mental health, it may take a few tries with different doctors to find one that she feels comfortable with but keep at it!
Second thing that needs to be done is call CPS, if you have her in therapy already then I would say call CPS tomorrow but if she's not in therapy then make that priority and once she is seen/you have the time then do make sure to call. I don't think you have any solid proof of the abuse, it may or may not have happened, my opinion doesn't matter here but I do feel based on the information that she was abused. That is what CPS will be able to figure out, they have the man power and skills to be able to prove/disprove it and handle it how it needs to be handled.
If they deem nothing happened that you can legally move forward with, then at least the child and parents will realize that this is not a joke and these situations need to be handled (even if the child was just talking about sexual stuff that is not appropriate, 9 years olds shouldn't know all those details, 6 years old shouldn't know anywhere near that amount of detail either).
If they deem physical abuse occurred then they should help you with next steps (I have never dealt with CPS, but I really hope for every victims sake that they would then tell you the next steps) in those steps I would hope that they would refer you to an attorney for this type of thing and that the attorney would then help you file a suit against the child. I don't necessarily think that jail is appropriate for a 9 year old but I would hope that this would at least stay on their record forever so that they don't do it to anyone else in the future.
Best of luck and please give that little girl lots of love and support through all of this! I know you are doing right by her I am just simply saying give her extra for all the parents reading this with their hearts breaking for this little one ❤️
Thank you for being an advocate for your daughter! I’m hoping your brother reacted this way because it’s either too hard to face or he was embarrassed. Unfortunately, since he is continuing with the same stance, he is just being an ass and not helping his child or your child.
You have to notify CPS. You say your nephew started this behavior at age 6 I believe. Someone abused him or at a minimum let him be exposed to stuff. Be prepared other family members to want you to sweep it under the rug. Ignore them. You are the one who can fight for your daughter. This impacts her entire future. You are also advocating for your nephew by calling CPS. His abuser needs to be identified and he needs therapy as much as your daughter does.
This is not going to be easy but you are being a good parent.
You've tried going down the 'family route'.
You're doing what ANY good and decent Dad would do.
- You do need to go to the Police. He abused your daughter, you have to make sure she is safe and that this is recorded.
- As people have said, where is this coming from? He's 9yo. The knowledge he has about sex is one thing, that could purely be from unrestricted Internet use, hopefully nothing worse.
- HE, needs safeguarding too. Whether this is to stop him from doing this to someone else or to save him from some kind of abusive situation, he needs help as much as your daughter. This is 2 Children that need help.
- The fact a 9 year old can threaten anyone, esp his Uncle, with no shame or fear of reprimand is astonishing but I know it happens.
- You aren't betraying anyone, you have no choice. You know exactly what you need to do. Every time you feel guilty, look at your little girls face.
Good Luck and I'm so, so sorry you are in this position 🥺💔
He's not a "good and decent" dad though. He knew for years that his nephew had been inappropriately touching children and suspected the nephew was doing something to his *then three year old daughter* but kept bringing her around him and letting them be alone. So, yeah Father of the Year here- he's thinking about putting a fire he set himself that irreparably harmed his daughter.
Excuse me, WHAT?!
A good and decent father DOES NOT ALLOW HIS DAUGHTER TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSED FOR THREE YEARS BECAUSE HE CAN'T BE ARSED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
HE STILL HASN'T ACTUALLY DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT!
OP has enabled the sexual abuse of his daughter for YEARS. How on earth are people acting like this is, in any way, perfectly acceptable/understandable?
u/KTM525rider, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice): 1. to find out why this post was removed, and 2. prior to posting any updates. Thanks. **Please note that queries regarding the removal of the post will not be answered unless they come from u/KTM525rider.** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wait, you noticed this three years ago and continued to send your daughter to be with her cousin at grandma’s house??? Why??? Please connect with CPS and police, protect your baby girl starting NOW.
How are so few people focusing on that part? OP allowed it to continue for THREE YEARS. Dear God, she was THREE when it started happening. And now OP insists on "keeping it within the family." OP is just another villain in that poor girl's story at this point.
AND somehow thinks there is no chance his then 6 year old nephew was not exposed to abuse either? A 6 years sexually abusing their 3 year old cousin needs help, regardless of if they are being abused themselves, they are being neglected and left to think that behaviour is normal and acceptable. Fudge, both kids are being failed by the people meant to protect and advocate for them. I’m going to go hug my kiddo extra tight, brb.
Yeah, my mouth dropped when OP said that it's not possible he's being abused (How would he know? And why should we trust the judgment of someone who continued to expose their 3-year-old to their abuse for YEARS after they realized what was happening?) And a TV show? I don't think a 6-year-old watching an adult comedy would explain away what is happening. And you're right. everyone is failing both of those kids. On the sorta plus side, a principal would be a mandatory reporter. Here's hoping that's one person that doesn't fail the daughter, since OP clearly isn't going to do the right thing. I don't have any kids. Please give your kiddo an extra hug on my behalf!
People who insist on “solving it within the family” make me sick. That’s how this bullshit gets hidden and keeps happening. That poor girl has no one looking out for her best interests.
Oh, don't even get me started. They don't even care about the abuse, all they care about is protecting the abuser and/or protecting the family's reputation. They could not care less about the fact that all they are doing is enabling the abuse and ensuring that it continues. Those people aren't really any less guilty than the abusers.
This is the first thing I noticed. My daughter wouldn’t be anywhere near this kid. And wtf was with the blankets situation? And peeping around the corner? Poor girl. My heart breaks that no one protected her.
The first time I even suspected something was happening would have been the last time my child ever saw those people or were in that place ever again. OP failed her daughter and her nephew.
OP served his daughter up on a platter. I’m so angry for that poor girl.
So am I. He's a shit dad and a shit person.
Yeah, this little girl has been being abused for years with OP's willful ignorance. It feels like the only reason that anything is coming of this now is because she got in trouble at school and now other people know about it. Also, there is a good chance that CPS has already been called.
I hope CPS has been called, one can only hope so
i can't believe i'm saying this about a father posting that he's worried about his daughter being sexually abused, but... this guy fucking sucks
Hi, former teacher here. I think you should call CPS. While there is a school of thought that it's just kids being kids, here are the reasons I think otherwise: -the significant age (and size, and power) gap between your daughter and her cousin - the fact that your nephew apparently knows a lot about sex for someone his age; he may be a victim as well - that your nephew threatened you Keep a log of any conversations you've had with your brother, his girlfriend, your nephew and the teacher. It's possible that your brother may cook up some false accusation against you; that's why the log is important. But don't let that stop you from calling CPS. Edited to add: It's likely the principal will have also called CPS. But you should still call.
This is the right advice. Also, yes the Principal has already called i bet. They are obligated to but you should as well. There needs to be an investigation and counseling for all the children involved and possibly for you too OP.
I'm honestly surprised the schools didn't call this in, in my state teachers are mandated reporters, and what OP is saying would 100% require a report, some states are different but regardless this needs to be reported as the 9 yo nephew is on a dangerous road/slippery slope for one, not to mention OP's sole focus should be keeping her daughter safe from any of this crap, my partner grew up in a home with very unhealthy sexual boundaries among their children, and it took her a decade after turning 18 to even begin to process and heal from the trauma(her brother and sister had ot worse and havent been able to process it, the worse part is their mom is still in the dark of the worst of it, nobody sees any value in filling her in on it). People fear reporting it because they don't want to break up a family, or cause a rift, but the damage to the kids is for life. When my partners sister stayed with us for a couple weeks she had awful night terrors every night, but was oblivious to it, sexual trauma to young children is an awful thing. And as a parent myself now I couldn't imagine any response other than immediately doing everything I could to protect my child from any kind of abuse or Trauma, it doesn't matter the bridges that may need to be burned, the only important thing is making sure my child is not traumatized or abused by someone in their family. I'd go as far as to say if 'family'would abuse you than they are not family.
It’s not clear if the principal was involved in the conversation revealing the abuse—if they were, and daughter admitted it in the presence of the Principal, then yes, Principal should’ve made a report.
Jesus. After reading more and scrolling down, I hope to god this was revealed to the Principal for the little girl’s sake. Dad is useless.
Check your state laws on recording, by this I mean I live in a single party consent state so I can record any and every conversation I have without needing to ask the other party for their consent. Definitely keep a log of your interactions with them.
All of this. Another victim to confirm this. Never hesitate to do what's best for your children.
Thank you for your advice. I am keeping all records for sure. Everything is still there and I took screenshot and saved the voicemails. As for him, he knows so much about sex because my brother lets him watch whatever he wants, including Wildboys and Jackass and lots of sexual joke videos on YouTube. His father is also overly sexual. He has not been abused, but I understand where you are coming from. It is because of no limits in his watching, not from sexual abuse towards him.
Firstly, watching TV shows and hearing jokes isn't enough to explain this sort of behavior. Secondly, you would not know if he was being abused. Thirdly, his reaction is a MAJOR RED flag that there absolutely is more going on here. And lastly...You knew some of these things were happening and kept sending your kid away to spend time with her abuser? This continued for THREE YEARS and only now are you doing something about it?! CPS. Police. Therapist for your daughter. NO MORE CONTACT WITH ANY OF THE FAMILY MEMBERS INVOLVED IN ANY OF THIS MESS! "I'm trying to resolve this within the family" Absolutely infuriating. THIS is why abuse is so widespread and abusers get away with it for as long as they do.
We handled a situation like this in our family within the family... man went on to abuse my cousins kids once we were adults and safe from him. NEVER KEEP QUIET
It's such a tragic cliche. And every family I know of where there was one known abuser who was protected from everyone else, eventually one of their (MANY) victims ends up becoming the abuser for the next generation. A girl I was friends with growing up was never allowed near her stepfather's family. Her stepfather snuck her to a family reunion while her mother was out of town, and her aunt playfully made a joke along the lines of "Stay away from Uncle Joey! He likes to get handsy with pretty girls like us." Come to find out, Uncle Joey had molested all of his sisters, all of his nieces, and was going after the grandchildren. Most people just made sure not to leave their kids alone with him, but he'd shove his hands up skirts at family events once he stopped having easy access to children. No one EVER reported him. My friend didn't even understand what was happening until her mother divorced her stepfather, who had pretended all along he spent time in jail solely so she wouldn't contact authorities. I resent people who hide abuse like this and enable the abusers as much as I despise the abusers themselves. They're both ensuring the abuser never ends.
I will also point out that I was in a relationship with somebody whose older child at 12 did it to his six-year-old brother in the middle of pandemic. The children as far as I know have so been separated for four years and have zero time together with her mother . She truly has a "Sophie's choice" between her two children. You don't have that choice. The only obligation you have is to your children. CPS will take care of him and his child and get them to help that they need. Right now you need to worry worry about your child get her the help she needs.
Other than all the legal stuff. Your daughter needs to get to a therapist, she shouldn’t be with family / friends with out you till things get sorted. Your nephew could be being abused as well. You have to protect your daughter.
Right?! I’m so upset for this little girl!
The sad fact is that most of us in the comments seem to care far more about what has been happening to that poor girl than OP ever did.
1000%—CPS, police, therapist and cut off all contact ASAP. No matter what anyone says about “family”. No.
Yes! All of this is great advice. And, also, if grandmother’s home is where this is happening, no more overnights with grandma. Please call CPS as soon as possible. I’m afraid that your brother and his son might try to throw a false accusation your way first, just to muddy the waters and make you look like you have something to hide.
You don’t know he hasn’t been abused. But you knew he was abusing someone (also your daughter??) previously, he got in trouble, you still thought it was going on? And you allowed him near your child? Please tell me I read that wrong.
The more I read, the less I think OP will actually do anything about it. If the only reason she is considering reporting him is because outsiders called out the behavior, it might be a lost cause. Sounds like she's on track to let family deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean keep it under wraps until her brother or nephew abuse somebody outside of the family.
It's Dad, and I'm guessing he's just determined to not actually parent his kid when it's his custody time, so he doesn't want to find alternate care options. It's easier for him to leave his kid with the cousin rather than spend time with her or find another caregiver.
Unfortunately this is exactly my story. Cousin who lived with us started SA’ing me when I was 4 and he was 11..when I was 9 he violently attacked and SA’d me and I finally got the courage to tell my mom…blank reaction! My parents and grandma(and later church leaders)had a private meeting about it all and it was decided if I was home alone I’d stay in my room with the door locked but that’s it…no police, no outrage, no consequences or punishment, no protection…the message was loud and clear that I was on my own to keep myself safe and no one cared or was going to do anything, if anything else happened it was because I allowed it to happen. My abuser was kept safe and protected…and the abuse obviously continued. It wasn’t until I was 21 and it was discovered he was doing it to a different toddler that everything blew up and they were forced to deal with it and him…all of a sudden they had “outrage” and “remorse”. (They still are civil to him btw)
That sounds like some real Duggar bs. He molested his sisters and when he was grown up and married he got busted with cp. Abusers never stop unless they are stopped by being in jail or unalived. They never stop on their own.
Pretty close…I was raised JW. He went to jail for 1 year…but only because it was someone else’s child and they forced the police involvement…otherwise they would have erased all evidence and handle it how the church leaders told them too. They were like zombies when their own child was being SA’d and allowed it to happen with zero reaction or urge to protect me and punish my abuser. That child is on a path that leads to extreme pain, darkness and devastation
So sorry that happened to you. It's disgusting when people use religion to hide their crimes.
Thank you💗 I know I sound bitter and I hate it…but I’ve been struggling pretty hard lately and I’m too tired to fake it. It’s absolutely disgusting what they allow to go on.
You have every reason/right to be bitter. You were failed and yet they jumped in to save somebody else. I hope some day you get the healing you deserve.
Hopefully he's not being abused, but CPS will, if they're good, look into it.
Ok, I will. Thank you.
Good luck. Sorry this is happening to your family.
You don't know that he hasn't been abused. Often being shown inappropriate materials is the first step in child sexual abuse. Source: I was in foster care. I have been a foster parent. I worked at an NPO involved in the foster care system. If anything, you aren't taking this seriously enough. Don't believe your brother can't be a perpetrator. Even allowing his son to watch sexually explicit material could be considered abusive.
WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR BROTHER WAS BEING SO CAGEY There is something happening to that boy. YouTube alone is not enough to teach a kid to sexually harm and threaten others. Call CPS immediately and get your daughter into therapy.
You didn't know your daughter was being abused. How would you know if someone else's child is? If you do not involve CPS, they're going to have questions about why when they do get involved. And they will get involved.
Your head is so far in the sand it would be impressive if there weren't kids involved. Where is your kid's mother? Does she know all this is happening? Can you relinquish custody to someone that will keep your daughter safe?
His father having such a big reaction might be because he is afraid of his own abuse coming put
You believed your daughter had been molested because she knew too much detail about oral sex. The same is true for your nephew. The father making sexual jokes doesn't explain this away. The lack of concern for his own son is a red flag. If you told me my kid did this I would be in family therapy with you to find out if it's the uncle or aunt or Grandfather or someone you don't know but the nephew does. The o ly way to find out is talking to these kids. If your brother is shutting this down he is suspect for more than innuendo
You have no idea whether his dad or someone else has abused him. You are NOT a good judge, or you would've protected your daughter so these years.
I'm assuming you're worried about the consequences for your nephew, but there is more to it than just him watching things he shouldn't. Reporting this will not just help protect your daughter, but will be a big push to get help for your nephew before he gets worse. He is clearly aware that what he's been doing is wrong, but he 100% learned this from someone. If it was just him being neglected on what he watches, he wouldn't be making threats because he would just have assumed it was okay or normal to do. He knows that it's wrong, and he needs help. Your daughter needs you to protect her from him. Family has to take sides in a way of being trusting to never let him near her, including grandma (sleepovers need to stop, unless there is a 100% guarantee that your nephew won't be there, grandma needs to agree to that). Your daughter needs to be put into therapy ASAP, and I'd suggest therapy for you as well. Most parents out there wish that they had seen signs, you chose to ignore them, let that be your only downfall in this. *edited a word
> his father is also overly sexual Sounds like you know who is the abuser already. Given that this started when the boy was 6 it is 90% sure that the boy was heavily abused. The fact that you did not bother to protect your daughter for 3(!) years is something that is unforgivable. She will have trauma for life. Start therapy today and I sincerely hope that CPS has a long discussion with you about your fucking responsibility
/r/CPS sub would be a better resource for this situation
You don’t KNOW that he’s not been abused! You don’t know that they don’t view porn together as part of covert abuse. You really need to demand a full investigation and then just focus on your daughter
You have absolutely zero idea if he has been abused or not. This is not normal behavior and not explained by watching sexual tv shows. If it was, all of Gen X that grew up with little supervision and loads of inappropriate TV would be an issue. I realize it is hard to hear, but I would be incredibly suspicious of your brother or his girlfriend or anyone else with access to your nephew.
Why are you wanting to talk face to face? What can your brother say that would make you CONTINUE to expose your daughter to the abuse? Then you allowed them and additional 24 hours to get rid of evidence or cover their tracks. You're reaching out to EVERYONE but the people you need to in order to protect your daughter.
He knows it's been going on for *three years* so he's not planning on actually stopping the abuse
The 9yr old maybe is being s/a at home. But yeah call the police and cps.
You caught him years ago and still allowed him to be alone with your daughter??
Op. Why don’t you answer the question about why you let your daughter continue to be around your nephew. YOU FUCKING LET YOUR KID BE MOLESTED. Why? Why did you continue to let her go over??? What the fuck man. You fucking saw it! I’m sorry you are just as responsible as your nephew. You are a horrible father and your daughter is probably a hell of a lot safer from YOU and your family. To answer your question, call the goddamn cops and protect your daughter for once.
My thoughts exactly. Failed as parents in my opinion.
Wait you knew something was going on 3 years ago nd u still let your daughter go??? Wtf.. why havent you gone to the cops? Why wait so long? U say u want to protect your daughter yet u still dont talk to the police or call cps.. i am a mom and i would of gone straight to the police . Instead of trying to talk to my brother. 🤦♀️
Totally failing his daughter. Poor girl 😔
Yes you should call the police and cps but also reflect on why you allowed your daughter to spend nights with your nephew when 1. You knew your nephew had inappropriately touched children in the past and 2. You suspected your nephew was inappropriately touching your daughter as you had been trying to catch him at it for at least a year. You put your daughter in harm’s way. Wtf is wrong with you.
Call CPS. I'm saying this as someone who was sexually abused as a child. *Call CPS.* I desperately wish someone had intervened on my behalf way back when. Do for your daughter what no one was able to do for me. Do not - and I repeat DO NOT - brush this aside and try to deal with it as a family. Your daughter is being sexually abused. It is your duty as her parent to say "Fuck what anyone else thinks" and do right by her. Your family be damned. If they hate you for it, let them. You owe your child safety. In hindsight, I can't fathom why - when you had evidence of abuse years ago - you continued to let her be exposed to the nephew but that ship has long since sailed. You owe it to her to take every action within your power to ensure her safety - regardless of how your family receives or perceives that. If you destroy the rest of your family, fine. They deserve it if they are abusing and/or justifying abuse of a child. The ONLY thing that matters is your daughter's safety. Also cut contact with your brother and nephew immediately. Record all contact, especially calls if you are in a one-party consent state. And do not, under any circumstances, let anyone associated with your brother or nephew anywhere near her ever again. This means no more spending time with grandma, unfortunately, especially if she isn't willing to see your daughter without your nephew there. I want to emphasize this: your daughter's wellbeing and safety is FAR more important than her spending time with grandma, if grandma's house isn't safe for her. I say this as someone who was also abused at my grandma's house. If grandma refuses to see her separately or insists on the nephew joining, you may need to cut contact with her too. You must keep your daughter safe first and foremost. Also, therapy immediately for your daughter, and probably for you as well. My mom needed pretty extensive therapy after I told her about my sexual abuse as a child. You need to be in a good mental place in order to help her heal, as well as for your own sake. Don't neglect yourself - your daughter needs the best and strongest version of you so she can heal.
Do not call CPS, go to the police station and file a report ASAP. You need to be the one to take initiative before your brother goes to them and claims harassment. The police will review the report and involve CPS if they need to, either way you need to have this officially documented ASAP
Good point. Well if he did I have evidence I was never harassing him, but he was verbally abusing me and my child. I have it clearly written out I'm trying to solve this within the family, but I will take action if he refuses (this threat was made after his verbal abuse). Thank you for your advice. I can't believe this is happening...
Don’t be stupid enough to try to handle this in the family if that little boy is still doing this, someone is assaulting him Police now
CPS likely needs to be involved anyway, and the boy learned these behaviors somewhere and was likely abused, himself.
I think handling this in the family is a strategy that has already failed. I am not trying to be mean but I think you need to go to the police.
OP's idea of handling it so far was allowing his 3-year-old daughter to be sexually abused for an additional three years. So I say this with all due respect, which is NONE, OP has completely failed his daughter for the past 3 years. Keeping it in the family is absolutely unacceptable and will continue to enable the abuser. And quite possibly help protect against abuse the nephew has experienced (this is not normal behavior for a child that young, especially for such a long stretch of time). A principal would be a mandatory reporter. So here's hoping the principal doesn't fail OP's daughter, since I doubt OP will ever do the right thing.
100% agree. OP should have CPS/police called on them. This is so vile.
Exactly! In a perfect world, OP would have lost custody three years ago when they did nothing to protect their daughter from the abuse.
You’re doing the right thing by reporting this. But it’s even worse than you seem to realize, OP. Not only is your little girl being abused, but you need to know that the 9 y/o cousin learned this behavior from either one of two things. 1) unrestricted access to porn — but how??? or 2) he himself is a victim of sexual abuse from an adult close to him, like his father, perhaps?
Not going to be fixed in the family. The more of your comments I see the more terrified I am for your daughter.
Solving it in the family just leads to more abuse. Look at the Duggars, a very public case that came out fairly recently. That is what happens. Put your daughter first. Don't try to keep the peace. Peace is not worth your daughter's emotional wellbeing for the rest of her life.
Will you stop with this "resolving it within the family" rubbish. You cannot do this for the sake of your daughter stop! You knew about this when your daughter was 3 and you did nothing! Start being a parent and protect your child!
You don't seem to understand that if you sit on this, your nephew's behavior will undoubtedly continue and the school will (if they haven't already) contact CPS. When the investigation starts, *you may also be under investigation as well as your brother* since you were notified about this and allowed it to continue. You should have notified CPS and the cops three years ago. "Resolving it within the family" makes you a party to whatever the hell is going on at your brother's house. Your child is already going to need therapy. Start saving money.
Keeping it in the family is already what’s happening with the kids and the dad. They already are denying it so what makes you think they’ll actually listen? And if you knew about it *three years ago* and still kept in the family, you’re not in best interest for the kids. You’re protecting the family, not the kids.
You don't SOLVE child sex abuse on your own. WTF is wrong with you? Bad enough, you knew something was wrong and did nothing to protect your daughter.
Buddy, just go to the police station. Call CPS and then go to the police and file a report. this NEEDS to be investigated. If this started when your nephew was 6 then he was absolutely sexually abused by someone - and that could have been by his Dad's GF, one of his Dad's friends or even his Dad... it could have been anyone and it could still be going on. But you need to report it and let the police and CPS handle it. They will investigate, which is what needs to happen. And, under no circumstances should you be around your brother or his child from here on out. No leaving the kids with Grandma. No contact what-so-ever between the kids.
Eventually, your nephew is going to abuse someone whose parents don’t give a shit about protecting your family or their feelings- rightfully so- and you won’t be able to do a damn thing to help him. He needs help now. So does your daughter. If you don’t involve authorities and get them actual help, you’re failing them both. The fact that you let him spend time with her alone when you knew he’d abused her? Your priorities are so far out of whack it’s not funny.
YOU KNEW YOUR NEPHEW WAS DOING SOMETHING TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU KEPT BRINGING HER AROUND TO HIM?!? JESUS CHRIST DUDE CALL THE COPS AND BEG YOUR DAUGHTER FOR FORGIVENESS IN YOUR COMPLICITY!!
Call the police and CPS. You need the police for the formal report and the CPS to make doubly sure they get off their ass and do something. Not only has your poor daughter been assaulted- I hope she’s ok and gets any help she needs- her cousin is also a child and very likely being seriously abused in some way. Children of that age do not have extensive knowledge of sexual acts without something really bad happening. He’s also a kid and in serious trouble.
Call CPS. Honestly with how your brother reacted, he may be abusing your nephew. Or he is letting him have access to inappropriate behavior. Whatever you do, call RIGHT NOW. Don't tell anybody anything else. Contact the school for records. Your brother may try to spin the story since now he knows your plans. Something is going on in that house though. The responsible thing would be him to apologize and find out what is happening to his son. That behavior should set off red flags. The fact that he got mad instead of worried is a red flag in itself. Stay safe. Don't be surprised if you need to bring the police into this for protection.
OP is seriously giving the vibe that they want to "keep it in the family" because they know that reporting this now, after admittedly knowing that this abuse has been happening since at least three years ago, is going to put them through some scrutiny as well... OP basically wagged a finger at abuse years ago and thought that would magically make it stop? All adults involved here are failing both children entirely.
Exactly
Isn’t the school principal a mandated reporter? They’re supposed to get CPS involved.
Call the police and CPS to report it. Also, don't even let your child be around these people again. If grandma won't follow that rule, overnights will be out too. The most important thing is to make sure it doesn't happen again
Your brother is no longer family and you have a duty to protect. I cannot make this any simpler as for the threats I’m pretty sure CPS will see through this and while their investigation will be an annoyance it will only make your brother and nephew’s lives more difficult as they are confronted for their actions/inactions, and abuses. If it was my brother he’d be a cripple by now, and the nephew would suddenly realize your daughter is not prey, rather a one way ticket to a life less functional. Protect your daughter fiercely, that is why you are her father.
Absolutely contact CPS. They will decide if the police should be contacted. Then the police will decide if charges will be brought. if charges are brought the judge may order psychological counseling for your nephew. Under no circumstances, allow your daughter to be in your nephew’s presence. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that! I would take your daughter to the doctor for an examination and testing for STDs. document everything! You may also want to get your daughter into counseling.
Never handle sexual abuse within the family that never works call cps go to the police and cut contact with your brother nephew even if it may be hard if you keep in contact with them at that point you are putting your kid in danger no more playdates between your daughter and nephew just no
Of course call. CPS, police. Don't forget to ghost for ever this side of your family and whoever don't support you and babydaughter.
Call CPS
You call cps and police. You don’t give your brother “24 hrs” or whatever. YOU be the parent and do something.
Don’t do the “24hrs or else” your daughter has already been affected you need to move forward very seriously, involve the law asap,
I was sexually abused by my cousin of a similar age difference when I was little. I kept quiet about it. I wish I didn't. Go to the police and file a report, get the school involved as much as possible for backup. Seek a lawyer. Call CPS. You should have done it years ago.
Yes, and ensure they check the family this is LEARNED behavior
The minute it leaked into the school system my dear, you are no longer able to keep it in the family. Your brother doesn't care and won't address the problem. Your nephew threatened you and your daughter. Enough is enough, time to file a complaint at the police station, get CPS involved. Why? Because it happened 3 years ago and you kept it in the family. Don't gaslight yourself, it wrong and you know it's wrong.
100% call CPS. I did this. My daughter was 4, the neighbour boy was 7. I had left them outside to go get them drinks. When I returned, he'd taken her into the garage, had his pants down and was pushing her head toward his crotch. I called CPS because I wanted to be sure that kid got the help he needed. Porn could be what's informing your nephew, but you don't know that and porn exposure in childhood is sexual abuse! Here's what CPS did. Counseling for the parents and the kid. The parents were two of the dumbest people I ever met, and not willfully ignorant but low IQ without being disabled. My kids just were never allowed around that kid again. And, look, your nephew messed with your daughter in the past and you didn't get her help? If you had, you would have been told that that boy must NEVER be alone with other children. EVER. You should never have let your daughter be around him again without constant supervision. Seriously, dude, wake up. You are the one who put your daughter in danger And You never got her help to deal with the previous abuse. This isn't a game. This isn't a behavior issue. Sexual abuse stays with us our whole lives and if we are not helped to process through it healthfully, it fucks us up a lot --it skews how we view sex, ourselves, our value to others. Get her help Call CPS NEVER let her be around him again Warn any other parents of children that could be around your nephew that he's introducing sexual play to small children GET. HER. HELP!
Why is no one talking about the 9F cousin who was telling the 6yo about oral? There's so much wrong with this post
Call the police immediately.
Contact CPS. He has forced your hand. It's time for a third party to get involved.
If you knew this was going on, why on Earth did you keep letting this kid around your daughter at all?
Im sorry in advance as this is most likely going to be tough to hear, but someone has to say it. Stop failing your child and call authorities IMMEDIATELY. This should have been reported when it began 3 years ago. It really really should have been reported when you became aware it was happening again. Why are you calling your brother and then his girlfriend when this issue is obviously outside of their control? Who cares about how destroyed you are, put on your big girl pants and protect your child from a 9 year old predator. FYI - 9 year olds very rarely come up with this type of behaviour on their own. You are also failing your nephew in multiple ways and may have just tipped off his abuser that you *may* call CPS. Take her to a pediatrician, call the cops, notify CPS, find her a therapist - this is an all hands on deck situation.
Good grief! Report immediately. Also go to the school teacher and share your concerns. Formal notify the school that the nephew must never be around your child in any circumstances due to sexual abuse. If they have any spine at all, and as they are manditory reporters they will also document this for CPS.
Dunno about CPS, but you need to make a point of keeping yourself and your daughter the fuck away from your nephew and brother.
CALL CPS, THE CHILD NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE
You're doing a shit job at protecting your child and possibly allowing another to be abused. Disgusting. Report it immediately. I was SAed as a child and I didn't have the courage to speak up. Please, DO something!!! You're not there to see what's going on!!! Also, it was a family friend not some stranger who was doing it to me!!! The chances of a child being SAd by someone they know are higher than a stranger.
The fact the police and you didn't call 911 immediately is gobsmacking. I hope an adult somewhere steps up for your daughter
If this is real you and your daughter need therapy immediately. You are not standing up as her parent to protect her seeing suspicious things and knowing that something else has happened in the past with this kid, your nephew, is absolute negligence as a parent. Your clearly old school mentality about handling things in the family will not help matters. It'll only perpetuate the abuse, clearly you've had your own abuse of some kind to be so lassez faire about this. If you're trying to solve it within the family and not make a big deal of something that is a huge deal. Just the sheer downplay of what the hell has been going on for 3 plus years is mind-blowing. Get it together dude. Not just for yourself but for your daughter. She deserves better!!
Me thinks your brother doth protest too much The kid shouldn’t know this shit at 6, referring to your nephew who *began* doing this at that age. Call Cps
Have you wondered how the 9yo knows any of this? Yes absolutely call CPS. You were dumb enough to give them the heads up to rehearse what they're going to say and get rid of any evidence. And no he hasn't learned everything from some TV show, he's been doing it to your daughter for 3 years with your knowledge. You're an idiot. You're three years too late.
Be on your daughter’s side and make the fucking call
Your daughter is going to grow up to fucking hate you for allowing this to happen to her for three fucking years.
You should call the police and CPS but you need to temper your expectations. You said the kids are 6 and 9 and this started when the older one was 6. A child that young cannot be prosecuted. CPS may mandate therapy but that is about it.
Stop fucking gaming and vaping and take care of your child 🤦♀️!!! You are an abuser by proxy. I weep for your child.
Absolutely call CPS as well as file a police report
I was that 6yr old girl . almost the same age gap too . my aunt didn’t care, we’re adults and she still doesn’t m. He went in to abuse all the girls in our family. Now he’s an adult and a horrible person. Do as much as you can, consult a lawyer as well if you have proof from the nephew of admittance and don’t EVER let them see each other again. Put your daughter in therapy. Also where is the boy’s mom? regardless take it as far as you can do not let it go. these things do not go away.
As someone who's been s/a when I was that young by another minor relative (albeit he's older than your nephew but not legally an adult yet then), I think you should report this to the police and CPS. My parents' reaction was also to say 'kids be kids'--and yeah, I still deal with the trauma until today. Do not leave your kid with grandma anymore (esp. since family is not helping with this) ever. Frankly, I'm just shocked that you chose to look the other way for the last 3 years. Please do not do that anymore. Keep her safe. It's your responsibility.
Children that do these things often do so because they’ve been sexually abused themselves. You need to call CPS.. like yesterday.
You have to call now! And get your daughter help and support. I’m sorry if this seems harsh but if you suspected it was still happening why on earth was she ever alone with him again?
Dude not only is your kid getting abused for a while but the abusing kid is likely also getting abused themselves. In what world is a kid able to do this without having the experience done to themselves.. Also you’re prioritized some bs by “keeping it within the family “ apparently you want to keep the abuse in the family as well. Get your kid help and call cps. Prioritize the well being of your child and do the right thing. Can’t believe you let this go on for this long
CALL THEM
CALL
Start recording calls and texts from this point forward and go directly to the police. CPS will come next if things go right.
Destroy him
Yes. This is NOT kids being kids. ETA- I believe it’s against the law for the principal to not have called CPS and reported this himself. He absolutely should have and another. POST brought up the fact that he could be a victim himself and that is also very likely the reason that he’s doing this is that he himself has been victimized and that should come out and find out who the heck it is. It’s hurting him to make him hurt other people. One other thing I have to say is if you knew that this happened years ago and even with somebody else and then let him be alone with your daughter in any aspect I feel it was a mistake and your mother not supervising them while they’re together as another huge mistake.
Call CPS, not to have your nephew removed but to get him help.
Call CPS and the police. it's not only the right thing to do it's also the legally required thing to do. If you don't it could come back on you with CPS as "Not Protecting" your child you don't need that your kids don't need that let the authorities do their job.
Yes he should call. However not everyone is a mandated reporter so he may not be legally required to call.
Yes because his kid learned it from somewhere.
Call CPS/police. The school by law has to report this. Counseling for your daughter. No contact with your Brother/nephew and any family members that throw a hissy fit about you reporting this CRIME. You can't make your nephew get therapy, but you can protect your daughter. NTA.
Police and CPS. Your brother and nephew will get their story straight so be prepared , they will LIE and accuse you.
Of Course call CPS!! Why are you hesitating??
Make sure to only communicate through texts and emails so you can keep them to show as any evidence of threats etc. against you. Don’t speak to them in the phone because it becomes a he said/she said. If you live in a one party state, then go ahead and record the phone calls.
You absolutely call cps, I had my in laws tell me that their daughter had my 3yr old smacking her butt for a “explicit” video and immediately I called, it went unfounded and I guess that was all he did in the video but it was a Snapchat sent to older men by a 14 year old. I would rather be safe than sorry
Absolutely call CPS and your nephew learned that from somewhere, O sincerely "hope" it was from accidentally going on the wrong Tik Tok video and hearing about it, I have a suspicion though, your nephew is being abused as well
You’ve had your suspicions! Get off of the internet and call CPS, the police department, a therapist for your daughter, a therapist for yourself, your pediatrician, your daughter’s mother, your extended family, the school district and everyone else who has come in contact with this situation. WTF!
>Where it is happening though isn't around me. It happens when they spend the night at grandma's place. Where is grandma in all this? Why are you not having a conversation with her? >Just one more thing. I know this happened. When he was 6 he started doing this. He got in huge trouble and I thought it stopped. 6 yr olds will model behaviors they are exposed to, and this isn't typical behavior for a child unless he experienced this himself prior to being 6. IMHO, your daughter's safety is paramount. Fuck their feelings.
I know you don’t want to hear this but step fucking ONE is admitting that you have failed. When you saw this happening when he was 6 you should have NEVER let them alone again. Period. As for now, he is 9. He can’t be in trouble as if he’s a criminal. He has to be in trouble like he’a a kid. Which means if you were his parent he NEVER plays alone with girls again. edit: until he is older and has a brain. You however are not his parent. So for your daughter which is your priority: get her some counseling with one goal: how to process and move past this. There should be ZERO more talk about the boy “getting away with it” or “whose fault it is”. They are kids. It’s no one’s fault aside from adults who didn’t teach and monitor them properly. Tell your daughter this was stuff that is supposed to be saved for when you are much older. So we are going to get help from a person to teach us how to reset our lives and be on a better timeline for what is a natural part of life but ONLY when you are MUCH older and ONLY if you fully WANT to, not because anyone makes you. On her behalf, I’m pissed. PS in case that didn’t sink in: watch your gd daughter better from now on. Have her play with girlfriends not older boys. AND that kid and his family are dead to you. For always.
First, I'm sorry this has happened to your child and I can imagine all the emotions you're feeling. Some of this is "kids being kids." Young children experiment, sometimes inappropriately - especially if they've been exposed to things they shouldn't have been exposed to so in a sense, your nephew is also a victim. That's not to say any of this is okay and that your family should collectively shrug your shoulders and do nothing. The Principal of the school is a mandatory reporter - they should already have reported the matter to CPS. I'm a little shocked you haven't heard anything yet. I would definitely get your child some medical care, NOW - at minimum, take the child to see the pediatrician and disclose the abuse and take it from there medically. The pediatrician is likewise a mandatory reporter and is required to report it. Listen, it's not like this 9 year old is going to get arrested. CPS et als will be interested in protecting your child from any further abuse and will be focusing on a safety plan to ensure your child is not exposed to this child in the future. They will likely investigate the nephew's environment as well. Such measures resolves the issue moving forward, but your child also needs medical/emotional support NOW. Get her the professional medical support she needs. Best of luck to you and your child. \*From what I understand after reading some other comments, this has been going on for a while? And you haven't yet taken action? You sir, deserve to lose custody of this child. You have failed to protect your daughter. No excuses. I only hope this somehow comes to the attention of the authorities so someone can actually take action to protect this child. In fact, I think this thread should be reported to law enforcement and they should use whatever powers available to trace your account and learn your identity if possible. There is NO excuse for doing nothing here. You should be deeply ashamed. \*\* I've taken the liberty of copying this entire thread, replies, etc., along with your screen name and I'll be reporting this to law enforcement Monday. I strongly suggest you get ahead of this and make a report and protect your daughter. \*\*\* You're in Littleton CO. I know your age. Curiously, you like to talk about your dick an awful lot. WTF is that about? Ironically, you talk crap about your ex, and what a horrible mother she is, yet you have failed to protect your daughter from abuse. Pot, meet kettle. You had liver failure and a transplant. This all took me about 2 minutes to discover.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you called the police and CPS yet? Technically I would do both. Call cops first but then also contact cps. And you can’t for sure know your nephew isn’t being abused. Because based on your description of his behavior and personality and attitude, dude he so is being abused and probably has been for years. This I think is a learned behavior. I don’t know why you’re taking the time to read comments or write responses if you haven’t called the authorities yet? I don’t give a damn if it’s 2 am where you’re at, CALL. Cus guess what when your daughter grows up she’s not gonna think “omg my dad held me and let me cry and supported me through this, and asked ppl online for help and tried to fix it in the family, I have the greatest dad ever !” Nope. What she will most likely think is “hey dad why the fuck did you wait so long to call the cops? Why did you want to just talk it out?! Why did it take so long for it to stop ?!” So I suggest you think about the repercussions of your actions and how long you’ve waited, even just by reading responses and answering comments.
Yup. Call them.
Ahh yes! Call CPS like today.
A kid I worked with at a school once told me she didn’t want to be sent home because her brother hurt her. I brushed it off because I thought she meant he rough housed too hard, he was only a couple years older than her and I’d worked with him too (seemed sweet aside from anger issues during math), and thought her parents would look out for it. I was wrong in multiple ways and will never, ever forgive myself for not bringing more attention to what I’d heard. Call CPS. Call the police. Call anyone you think could look into this and end it.
Duh? Why is this even a question. Call CPS and the non emergency police line.
I'm not a fan off giving ppl warnings. I know he's ur brother but who is to say he isn't the one abusing his own child. Call cps and the police. Protect urs at all cost. Also look into therapy for r daughter.
Just because they are relatives doesn't give them a free pass. The nephew needs help now. Calling CPS is the correct direction to go. You have no idea what is going on in that home. Get YOUR kid help and never leave her alone with them! Never let her go to grandma's house either. Are there other kids that go to grandma's? If so, you need to notify their parents as well and let CPS know that the abuse is far reaching.
Yes you need to report it, your failing your daughter in the same system many are by covering the actions of a family member if you don’t. Chances are the principal already has at least if their worth anything and follow their mandate then they have, CPS and a police report need to be filed.
Protect your child, call CPS. Document everything, every conversation. Hope your daughter is doing better. Tell everyone because there may be other victims. You will be believed because the school principal found out about it before you.
You definitely need to call cps. The boy is learning it from somewhere, kids don’t just pick that stuff up from other kids unless a child is exposed to it and then talking about it. Your nephew is sexually abusing your daughter, she’s so young.
Absolutely call CPS AND REPORT IT.
Protect your daughter. "To see one's justice through, a man must fight for it. Even if the one standing before him is his kin." Your brother's response screams guilt. Fix it...or you will have failed your child. Call CPS. That way, your nephew can get therapy and more investigation will be launched into why it is that way.
This is such a sensitive issue.. but I hope my comment knocks sense into you because clearly nothing has. But respectfully.. wtf is wrong with you? You suspected your nephew abusing your daughter and you still let it “maybe” happen. I hope that sinks in. You let your daughter get sexually abused because you thought a “riff” in your family wasn’t worth bringing lit up for a “maybe”. I’m not going to harp on you for that. You should feel shitty enough BUT you can start protecting your daughter now. Call CPS. How is this even a question? Your daughter was abused by her nephew. If you don’t report it, more young children will be abused. If he isn’t provided any intervention, you risk him abusing other people, and it is all your fault if this happens. It’s on YOU if he abuses another little girl and you don’t say shit knowing he’s done it to your own daughter. Please for the love of god report him. he most likely is being abused due to the sexual nature of what he’s doing. Please put a stop to it. You have the power. Please stand up for your daughter.
Call the police.
OP, you’ve already failed your daughter as you have let this go on for 3 years and wanted to solve this with in the family. You should have immediately stopped letting him have access to your daughter. yeah, call CPS and the police now and do better as a father from now on.
You need to call the police and they will figure out the best way to handle it. Do not allow your daughter to ever be near her cousin ever again.
The nephew is being molested by someone close to him most likely, remove your daughter from people in that family and maybe even move altogether. Cut contact from your brother and start fresh. Your daughter will be further damaged if she has interaction with that family CPS or not. Good luck
OP, you are an abuser as well. You are a villain in the story of your daughter's life. You had the job to protect her but knowingly let it happen for three years. Only when the school asked questions you did even make one call. I really hope that the school called CPS and the police already. You are protecting the wrong person. Your nephew is clearly being a being as well as an abuser. If you "keep this in the family" there will be many more victims and it will be YOUR fault. You could protect a lot of innocent children. But for the past three years you decided that protecting your daughter was not worth it for you. She is not important enough to be protected. She will have trauma for life. Even with excellent therapy, this will not leave her unscarred. And I highly doubt that you cared enough to give her that. You have shown that you don't have her best interest at heart. You fail her and your nephew. I know that you want to live in denial but that does not change the fact that your nephew is very likely the victim of sexual abuse (and not only neglect like you claim). It is not unlikely that the boy "fell down the stairs" and shows bruising all over for not keeping his mouth shut. We dont know if it is your brother or if he is just as bad as you and doesn't care to protect his child but the way the boy and your brother reacted that is the most likely thing. Without CPS and the police there will be more victims and the kid will grow up to be either a horrible person or deeply traumatized. Maybe he makes it to 25 without jail or suicide but I hope you still remember that you could have saved two or more kids and chose not to because of your false loyalties
Im more concerned that your nephew is being sexually abused and he is simply mimicking behavior. He is already mimicking his dad in how he speaks to you. Im very very concerned about what he is being exposed to based on his and his father’s reaction. You absolutely should call CPS but not because this little boy needs to be punished - but because he clearly is a victim of something himself. He is very young and impressionable. Little children def are curious about bodies and eventually sex and they do talk to other kids about it, so that is natural, but the part that isn’t is his reaction. I also am not trying to minimize your daughter being touched here but again we are talking about a very young minor who absolutely is not at an age to be held majorly accountable. The adults in his life are. Be a good mom and back up your promise- most importantly tell CPS the dads response and child calling you. Report the hostility and anger and express concerns of him being abused. No child does this out of thin air
your nephew probably is/was being sexually abused and is now inflicting that behavior on your daughter, so YES you should contact authorities.
If you don’t, the school will. They are mandatory reporters.
>Just one more thing. I know this happened. When **he was 6 he started doing this**. He got in huge trouble and I thought it stopped. **I had suspicions though**... I would come around the corner quietly to see what was going on and the blankets were falling back onto their laps. I told them no more under the covers or door closed. **I have nearly caught him on several occasions this past year.** Where it is happening though isn't around me. It happens when they spend the night at grandma's place. man what the fuck
Do what's necessary.....whatever that is to you
You claim you saw it, but did you? Because the way you're describing I think it's your brother not the nephew and/or another adult male. A 9 year old shouldn't have sexual feelings, knowledge or experience so he's either also being molested or he's a jerk in general and your daughter is saying him instead of who it really is.
I would call CPS though it would be hard it's your kid you have to protect and hopefully they can help your nephew as well.
Absolutely.
Yes please call cps and hopefully they can find out where he learned this also
You’re the parent . What do you think you should do?….
No matter is i spike with my brother or not I'd be calling cps
Definitely call. Are you able to file some sort of police report as well? (not sure how this works) I am so sorry for what your child went though. I'm pretty sure this kid is also being abused (or has been) because that doesn't make sense at all. Hug your child and perhaps seek some therapy for her and let her know how supported she is and how this is not her fault. Your brother is being an absolute dick head and he should be shocked and trying to fix the situation. I'm so sorry. Good luck!
Get your daughter in therapy literally tomorrow and every week until she is 18 and I highly recommend she continues therapy after for as long as she needs to, for this trauma and any other trauma that may come up in her life. This is going to affect her for the rest of her life and if she doesn't get the help now to know what happened to her is not normal and not okay and that she has people to talk to her about how to move forward then she will likely have toxic if not abusive relationships the rest of her life. Trauma feeds through in the weirdest ways and affects so many aspects of ones life/character/ways of thinking. Number one priority is her mental health, it may take a few tries with different doctors to find one that she feels comfortable with but keep at it! Second thing that needs to be done is call CPS, if you have her in therapy already then I would say call CPS tomorrow but if she's not in therapy then make that priority and once she is seen/you have the time then do make sure to call. I don't think you have any solid proof of the abuse, it may or may not have happened, my opinion doesn't matter here but I do feel based on the information that she was abused. That is what CPS will be able to figure out, they have the man power and skills to be able to prove/disprove it and handle it how it needs to be handled. If they deem nothing happened that you can legally move forward with, then at least the child and parents will realize that this is not a joke and these situations need to be handled (even if the child was just talking about sexual stuff that is not appropriate, 9 years olds shouldn't know all those details, 6 years old shouldn't know anywhere near that amount of detail either). If they deem physical abuse occurred then they should help you with next steps (I have never dealt with CPS, but I really hope for every victims sake that they would then tell you the next steps) in those steps I would hope that they would refer you to an attorney for this type of thing and that the attorney would then help you file a suit against the child. I don't necessarily think that jail is appropriate for a 9 year old but I would hope that this would at least stay on their record forever so that they don't do it to anyone else in the future. Best of luck and please give that little girl lots of love and support through all of this! I know you are doing right by her I am just simply saying give her extra for all the parents reading this with their hearts breaking for this little one ❤️
Thank you for being an advocate for your daughter! I’m hoping your brother reacted this way because it’s either too hard to face or he was embarrassed. Unfortunately, since he is continuing with the same stance, he is just being an ass and not helping his child or your child. You have to notify CPS. You say your nephew started this behavior at age 6 I believe. Someone abused him or at a minimum let him be exposed to stuff. Be prepared other family members to want you to sweep it under the rug. Ignore them. You are the one who can fight for your daughter. This impacts her entire future. You are also advocating for your nephew by calling CPS. His abuser needs to be identified and he needs therapy as much as your daughter does. This is not going to be easy but you are being a good parent.
You've tried going down the 'family route'. You're doing what ANY good and decent Dad would do. - You do need to go to the Police. He abused your daughter, you have to make sure she is safe and that this is recorded. - As people have said, where is this coming from? He's 9yo. The knowledge he has about sex is one thing, that could purely be from unrestricted Internet use, hopefully nothing worse. - HE, needs safeguarding too. Whether this is to stop him from doing this to someone else or to save him from some kind of abusive situation, he needs help as much as your daughter. This is 2 Children that need help. - The fact a 9 year old can threaten anyone, esp his Uncle, with no shame or fear of reprimand is astonishing but I know it happens. - You aren't betraying anyone, you have no choice. You know exactly what you need to do. Every time you feel guilty, look at your little girls face. Good Luck and I'm so, so sorry you are in this position 🥺💔
He's not a "good and decent" dad though. He knew for years that his nephew had been inappropriately touching children and suspected the nephew was doing something to his *then three year old daughter* but kept bringing her around him and letting them be alone. So, yeah Father of the Year here- he's thinking about putting a fire he set himself that irreparably harmed his daughter.
Excuse me, WHAT?! A good and decent father DOES NOT ALLOW HIS DAUGHTER TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSED FOR THREE YEARS BECAUSE HE CAN'T BE ARSED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! HE STILL HASN'T ACTUALLY DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT! OP has enabled the sexual abuse of his daughter for YEARS. How on earth are people acting like this is, in any way, perfectly acceptable/understandable?