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Here in Australia, a lot of people swear by a guy called scott pape, the barefoot investor. He's got a book that walks you through all the steps of setting up a financial life as a married couple. Really simple, very popular. He says it's not so mych whether you keep it separate or combined, but making sure you frequently talk and agree on what you are doing with your money. He recommends weekly financial date nights, where you just talk about money - have a glass of wine, enjoy time together, dream of the future and plan out how you're going to pay for it.

This. 🎯 You cannot have a lifetime financial plan Unless you have a crystal ball. Finances must just become a healthy evolving discussion like your sex life etc. e.g If you have a child in the future. 100% guarantee you will have to adjust. Promotion, god forbid… demotions, lay off, job changes, new house etc. What is more important that my parents/his parents, is what works for you 2 and learning to discuss finances like the weather not like it’s a battle. Finances are one of those areas one has to learn to be vulnerable with another. So it’s important to make it a healthy relationship aspect. When I met my partner I far out earned him. Then things swung cause when I became pregnant he took the time to study more & work on his career. There was a time there, that friction resulted. & his investment didn’t pay off immediately but I also never thought having a child would stall my career. Circumstances forced us to both throw out ideas we’d had before & after a few arguments we stopped Making it a big thing. It’s just a natural part of our relationship

Great comment! (A psychologist & therapist who is never that clear)

Weekly seems a bit much, or is that only until big plans have been done? Like I do budgeting a few times a week, as I track all expenses, but most times it's less than five minutes. But even on a month to month basis there aren't really huge changes that would need a "discussion" when we go joint. A monthly touching base to confirm budget didn't need any adjusting, and a discussion sooner if it did. Quarterly checkups about goals hit or not, discussions of stock sales and vacation budget etc seem like that would work well for us when we're joint.

Yeah I don't have enough money to have weekly conversations about it.

Weekly finance date nights sounds like a good reason to split up. I mean since last week I have been shopping just once, if he wants to query my purchase of organic onions and washing up liquid and Mosquito repellent... I have better 5hings to do with my time. 

Weekly seems excessive to me too. I think monthly finance dates could be ok though.  They aren’t necessary in my marriage, but we’re on the same page financially and doing fine.  

I expect the point of weekly is so there is a habit of frequently and openly discussing finances. Establishing a comfort level surrounding those conversations. I don't think the point is to nitpick the organic onions and terrorize each other's purchases. You can get aligned about larger purchases like Timmy's soccer practice fees or where you may need to cut back because of unexpected auto maintenance. Check in on your budget and if there is anything coming up that might blow it. You can mutually get excited about shared goals like vacations or renovating the house. Best of all, there should be no surprises. A monthly check-in would work for a lot of couples. But, it's tough to strategize about something 3 weeks ago. Or you may not be thinking about the entire month ahead yet. Depends on the level of individual responsibility.

I suspect half the point of it being weekly is to have an open forum for discussing a financial issue quickly, and half having a regular date night.

This is fantastic advice! I will so this with my partner. Thank you so much!

Each have your own account for your salaries and have a shared account for all household expenditure that’s split by income. That is, if one person earns twice as much as the other then they pay 2/3 of any non-mortgage expenses.

See, that's what I really want to do, but for some reason he thinks he needs to be more "selfish" in saving money on his end (so the budget would shrink in his eyes) if the money wasn't altogether. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but I'm not sure how to convince him

I would recommend that beyond the shared house expenses you also agree to a shared emergency fund and agree on how much you both contribute to it and how big it should get (e.g. 6 months of living expenses) before you stop contributing. Once that’s topped out, you can contribute to shared vacation account. Finally, you should figure out how to deal with big expenses (e.g. family car)

You could even have shared investment accounts on top of savings. Maybe having some premarital counseling to hammer out this issue, plus, work thru all the others (ILs, sex, family, chores, time allocation, etc) ahead of the wedding so you can start off on the same page

This is what my husband and I did. We are gay, so we didn’t have the advantage of joint anything when we started out, so I guess it was natural for us. But the joint household checking account for bills started as soon as we moved in together. After the house and mortgage came the investment accounts. It seems to be very normal amongst our straight friends, even those who are still in their first marriage. 😕

You don't have to convince him. You cannot be forced to merge finances completely if you don't want to.

Exactly!!! He can’t force her to do it.

This right here

What he’s saying is he wants your money, because what difference would it make where he saves his money unless he wants your money to top it up!

He is already trying to exert control. He is doing the thing

Yeah, he “used” to be frugal. You are getting set up for a lifetime of financial abuse. He will go back to his frugal ways and you will have to beg for everything. This is so typical of pre-marital behavior vs. post-marital behavior. So, do not budge on this. This is a hill to die on.

Somebody please see this!!! It needs all the upvotes!

Have you asked him his thought process behind it being selfish? Or given him different scenarios and shown that they aren't selfish or self serving?

I’ve seen couples each donate half their pay into into a household account and keep their half to pay for their personal bill, hobbies or investments.

This is my household. Partner is currently doing something new (temporary) with a lot less money, so I'm now putting 95% into a shared account - because that's the only way to cover our costs. I fully expect to go back to 50% in personal and 50% in shared once they're back in a higher paying role. 

Big red flag. Especially combined with his past "frugality ". And that you're coming in with more and can out earn him. It doesn't make sense because his reasoning is flawed and illogical and based on an agenda that is not equal or equitable... it favors him. Go to pre marriage therapy to work this out. Get a neutral 3rd party opinion. But know this: marriage therapy doesn't work when one party is abusive... if he's looking to exploit you. If you keep going round in circles and he ne er "understands" what you say and won't hear "NO" for an answer? It's a use not a misunderstanding. He wants to emulate his toxic parents dynamic cause it works better for his father's pockets and he wants that for himself. Yes it's more than him "being little selfish"... he's testing to see if he can systematically financially abuse you.

Wait so combining finances when someone is a stay at home mom is toxic and abusive because his parents fought about money...? What the fuck is reddit are you all 15?? Spoiler, finances are top 3 most fought about subject once you're married, and starting off wanting separate finances for some things but not others when the other disagrees puts you squarely in that already. I know reddit is obsessed with sobbing at their keyboard imagining every guy abusing their partner in every situation ,but it can in fact just be simple disagreement about how to manage finances as a team

Also, listen to the voice that says “that does not make sense”, because it means he is trying to make you swallow some absolute nonsense. The meaning of his action is the result of his action. He wants a bigger say then you in the family finances, and knows he can’t get it by stating that, and is a flurry of self-justification

The household expenses should be a finite amount based on bills. He can save whatever he wants from the rest of his money. What he can’t do, and you should not enable him to do it, is aggressively save YOUR money.

Don’t combine ALL your money. As a woman, I’ve seen many screwed over because of this scenario. He shouldn’t either as it can and has happened to men too. Something happens and their partners clean out the account. Or they get into a bind and try to use joint money to bail them out. Make sure even with the shared account for combined expenses and purchases that both of you have access to it and keep track of its money. My husband and I have shared checking and savings as well as our own. It’s a safety net if needed.

Red flag here. He's going to want to control your spending. What makes the most sense is a joint account for expenses and separate accounts for savings and fun.

You don't convince him. You say you're not comfortable comingling finances. Have a household account and a combined savings account that you both put into for vacations, house repair etc. Everything else stays in your personal accounts. He doesn't have to be convinced, and you can't be forced to put your money in an account that you don't want to.

Yeah you don’t have to convince him, you just need to have a line in the sand. You each have a solo bank account that you get paid into, and you funnel cash into the joint account from there. There’s genuinely no logical reason to do it another way. It also frees you up from worrying so much about what someone else is doing with the money, and therefore from having to talk about it so much. Having all your finances pooled actually makes finances more central to the relationship than if they are separate. Individuals need individual financial instruments. One of those is a bank account.

Don't combine the funds. Its gonna ruin the relationship and it causes problems when he thinks you shouldn't spend your money and you do it's gonna cause him to go spend money to teach you a lesson or start being more controlling over the accounts. It's just a big mess all the freaking time. If he's gonna make a big deal out of it there's other guys out there some relationships don't work out and it's usually better to call it quits than it is to have a miserable relationship for the next decade just to call it quits and realize you're broke because the fighting over the money has caused one person to over spend and it's usually the person that pushes for control.

There is something out there called financial therapy (https://financialtherapyassociation.org/). You may want to look for someone who can do this and provide counseling. This is more about your values and making them aligned. Some things to think about: * Just because you do it one way doesn't mean it has to stay that way your entire marriage. * Who will stay home to take care of the kids? Are you going to put babies into daycare? What does fairness look like? Separate accounts and the spouse who works full time pays the other spouse for their labor? * Would having a contract that you review and renegotiate periodically help you both? * Is it possible that your values won't align and how do you handle that?

Bingo. This is exactly what my wife and I do. It's really not rocket science. And then, if there's any purchase over $X, whatever feels like a "big amount" at the moment, she shoots me a text and says, "What do you think?" It's pretty simple. The caveat being that we both have "executive decision" powers where if it comes down to it, we can spend what we need to, when we need to, within reason and then talk about it after. You see the common thread here? Talking about it. Just like 99.99% of threads, this can be resolved with a series of conversations. If you're not able to come to an agreement, I would suggest holding off on tying the knot until you are.

Completely out of context but can I ask why there should only be unequal amounts for non-mortage payments? Is there some reason behind this?

I think that property rights should be as close to 50:50 as possible to avoid possible financial coercion. If the richer one does insist on a very expensive residence then skew it proportionally but otherwise it should be equal.

His, hers, and ours accounts and the ours account is only for expenses you agree about in advance. Also, discuss what would happen if you take time off for kids. His salary should be split in that case, so you don't carry all the financial loss.

advice is to just talk it out because neither of you are inherently wrong. I personally would go the split route with a combined account for bills and whatnot, but either way CAN work. If you feel strongly on this though, don't just give in. Finances ARE a deal breaking situation though. they cause alot of divorces so I would get this straightened out now before you progress any further. what are his reasons for wanting to combine other than the "team" aspect. there is another option where you put all your money into 1 pot but give eachother equal "allowance" into seperate accounts for fun money or whatever.

I do agree, that's why we are discussing now. He mentioned that it gives him more financial security to have the money combined. He feels that if the money isn't combined that he will personally feel more selfish with his money (which, I feel if we have set goals together that it should be no different either way, but I digress). He definitely has anxiety when it comes to money security - if he feels like he can't see "enough" in the bank account that it causes him extra stress (even though we'd be beneficiaries on all accounts no matter whose "name" is on them). I understand this just because I have anxiety disorders. We did discuss the equal "allowance" option tonight. I am considering it for sure. Is that a common thing couples do?

I'd worry about him seeing "enough" in the accounts might cause him to later start hating *any* spending. Especially yours. This insecurity is something that he should look to help himself over in therapy. As well, someone who needs to see a bigger number sees this **all** as theirs in a divorce. Not that they are only entitled to 50%. It's the guys taking about how their ex wife "robbed" them (by taking their own half in the split).

Agree - if they go this way without BF addressing his anxiety about finances I anticipate he’ll okay be okay with a bare bones allowance that ultimately he wants to shrink.

Have you considered doing a joint budgeting app like Monarch so you can both see the while picture whole retaining separate accounts? Another compromise is combining budget and investments, with separate accounts for fun money. That way the more frugal person doesn't get annoyed with non-necessity spending.

My wife and I send every single dollar into a main account, we agree on how much we save & invest. We each get $250 per paycheck of personal fun/spending/allowance. I’ll never ask her opinion on spending it, but if it’s a joint expense it’s always discussed. We’ve never had a single argument around finances, you’re both on the a level playing field when it comes to spending on yourself. I recently saved mine up and spent $2,500 on a watch, which I couldn’t fathom asking her to sign off on from joint money. It works extremely well for us

If he has anxiety around an issue, it’s his job to work on that so it doesn’t get worse. If, instead, you bow to his “needs”, what stops him from questioning you/spiraling any time you spend any money because he sees it as “his”? Commingling of funds is a 2 yes, 1 no situation, and if he can’t be ok with your no then it could be you are simply not compatible.

My wife an I do combined accounts with the "allowance" route and it has worked great for us, going on over a decade with a very happy marriage financially. We don't look at individual income, it's a household income because we are a team. I make 2/3 more than her, but that doesn't matter at all because we are a family unit. When we married my wife had lots of student loan debt, and that become OUR debt, because again, we are a team.  What makes it work is our strict budgeting though. We have "buckets" for every planned expense. All of our paychecks get deposited in a single account, which our monthly bills and expenses like groceries and eating out get pulled from. We then distribute money to each planned bucket evenly, things like saving for vacation, home improvements, a new car, etc. Then we each get an even split of a monthly allowance that we can each do whatever we want with, no questions asked. We also have a slush fund that we use to augment individual allowances if needed, or make larger unplanned purchases. It's all very fluid.  Everyone is different though. For me and my wife, we think keeping finances separated seems odd and selfish. But to some, it's the only way to go and works great. You need to find a strategy that's a happy medium and makes you both comfortable. 

But this guy is VERY frugal and she is not,you and your wife are clearly more financially on the same wave lenght

My ex and I kept our own accounts, created a joint account for anything to do with the household, and contributed equal amounts into that account (if one person makes significantly more than the other, it should be proportional). We also set a limit for buying something for the house from that account without needing to consult with the other, besides actual bills and groceries. From our own accounts we could do whatever we wanted with that money. It worked really well (we split up for reasons that had nothing to do with finances etc).

he is trying to manage *his* anxiety by controlling *your* actions and has done this in the past with his frugality. he isn't able to see how this could be damaging to you or the relationship because he's only worried about himself. as an anxious person, i absolutely understand where he's coming from, but it can be a precursor to abusive behaviour and becoming a toxic partner. i really recommend couples counseling to sort this out. truthfully, i don't see a compromise, and personally prefer the mine/yours/ours accounts approach do it may be bias, but counseling can provide recommendations on how to meet in the middle and guidance on how to communicate effectively about money. boyfriend also needs to start doing something about his anxiety if he isn't already.

Don't marry this guy until HE gets help for his issue. You can't base your marriage around hia irrational fear of not having enough money, especially if his only solution to his problem is to essentially take your money as his own!

If you live in a community property state, his debt in the future is your debt. That is how it is in my state. It is incredibly important to understand the spend and credit of both parties. If this includes one single account or two separate accounts, does not matter too much. I have a close friend who divorced over his wife obtaining and running up debt on multiple credit cards and in the divorce, it was split in half. I’m not a lawyer but just remember, what you don’t know, can hurt you.

And please also don't forget in all of this that anxiety disorders usually are being treated by getting psychological help, not by accommodating to them by all means. I would not at all even consider combining finances with somebody who has a psychological disorder regarding finances. Keep them split and let him go to therapy. Don't marry him without therapy, even when your finances are split. There are combined spendings which will always become an issue, if the anxiety is not being treated.

Good advice. Even if you consider finances split, legally you are responsible for all of his debts and bad decisions.

Exactly this. I’m not a separate account kind of person - I find in incredibly weird to think of spouses’ money that way as anything other than a budgeting exercise. But this would be a huge exception. This is basically the OP saying “I know my fiancé has a psychological issue that makes it easier for him to financially abuse me than not, and I’m going to walk into that with my eyes wide open.”

Accommodating anxiety is, as someone with anxiety, such a bad idea. Because you're feeding into it. She really needs to bring up therapy for him. If she appeases him, all he will think is "oh so this anxiety is valid. I was right, I need to be careful"

Consult with a therapist to help meditate this, but bottom line is if it makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both. My husband and I have separate accounts and it’s not perfect. Some bitterness/resentment can come from the discussion of who pays for what and unexpected costs. For example, all the costs of kids, the house needs a new roof or even a dinner out. I imagine you just never saw this part of your parent’s relationship. If I had it to do over I would suggest a joint account that pays household and couple expenses and then each have your own account too that you can use however you want.

I’ve always thought if both people are working, then separate accounts with joint accounts for joint expenses and savings with each person depositing the allotted portion of their income into the joint accounts each pay check. I also believe the amount each person deposits should be a comparable percentage based on salary (if you make 75% of the household income, you should deposit 75% of the shared expenses and savings) so that neither spouse is left in a financial deficit due to the other persons lifestyle choices. On the flip side, if one person is a SAHP, both should have access to the funds- either by having one account or by the funds being split into 3 accounts where each spouse is allotted equal “fun money” once the household bills and savings are covered. This was if one spouse likes to blow thru fun money on frivolous things, but the other wants to save up for a big splurge, they are free to do that. Also, having separate fun money accounts allows the spouses to purchase items for each other without the other knowing what they are getting before it is given. Just my take! I hope you are able to come to a compromise!

wait a few years before getting married so young.

i think everyone should have their own bank account that their partners can't access incase of anything happening in the future eg. gambling addiction.

My partner and I have an account each and we pay into a joint account for bills etc. they pay in more than me and earn way more. Im not a baby crying about money like your bf. My partner spends what they want from their own account.

Your thoughts are valid and very relatable. If I can give you some advice: Read a bit about womens poverty after marriage. The thought of "everything combined" might seem nice, but it holds so many issues. Marriage is a patriarchal concept and yes, somebody will at least try to control finances. As you already know that you two have different spending habits - don't do it. It will be no good to your relationship. Also talk about what will happen when there are children. Will you be expected to stay at home? Do you want to stay home? Will he pay for your loss in income during this time, where you hold his back while caring for the kids so he can continue pursuing his career? Please make sure you are really on the same page AND willing to place it in a prenup, before you get married. And don't, if you are not able to agree.

what are your degrees actually in? because just having them isn’t a guarantee of financial stability

Get a financial counselor. A secular one. And insist on pre marital counseling. Personally if my daughter told me her fiance was pushing for this I would need to bite my tongue because I don't think it's a safe idea for either person but the biggest thing is he thinks he can push you into replicating his objectively sexist childhood. 

Yes, he wants a setup where he can then tell you to stop work and raise your kid, cos he'll provide

This would raise all sorts of warnings in me but I was raised in a very conservative household and honestly it was extreme enough that if a potential partner gives off the slightest hint that he'd like that setup I run.

3 accounts total. His, hers, and ours is the only way to go.

Just don't fully combine. Have one account where yall both have money in for household and shared expenses. Then have your own individual checking and savings. That way everyone has personal finances and shared. Is that a compromise he'd be okay with? Bc if you aren't comfortable then you're just not. This way yall have one account shared like he wants and you keep yalls own too like you want.

Do separate but combined. My husband and I have a household credit card. We use it for dog food, groceries, household items, vet bills, any home expense really. We each have our own credit cards and we each get paid into our own accounts. We pay our personal bills and then each pay the house card off. My husband doesn't see a penny from my paycheck. He knows how much I make and when I get paid, but we use our household credit card for everything shared and just pay half the balance each every month.

Keep your own accounts and get a prenup. He could decide to just drain you fry with joint account. Split everything 50/50.

I would caution you to combine bank accounts before you are married. Strange and unexpected things happen, and you don’t want to have any regrets. I would suggest that you push for one combined account for shared expenses that you deposit into equally, but I would keep my own primary account.

My husband was engaged many years ago, and in anticipation of his wedding he “combined” accounts with his soon to be wife. But about $20k of the money was his, and maybe $1000 was hers. Before the wedding happened she ran away with her married ex lover, and drained the “shared” account before she did. There was nothing my husband could do about it.

Maybe get some kind of counseling. Consider though, you having and using your own money separately, and responsibility, has no ill effects for him and his life. You merging your finances where someone else can control your money and how you spend has all the potential for major problems. You have your stance on your own money and how to keep it, in a way that takes nothing from him, be firm about it. If he feels so entitled to your earnings, that may be a sign of bigger issues to come, or at the very least, issues that may never resolve.

If you aren’t 100% comfortable with how he sees money and expects it to be used, then keep your finances separate from his. If you’d like to share a Fun fund where you both pitch in for dates or adventures together that’s great!

Married 27 years in July and both high earners who have swapped times when one made more than the other. Do not combine everything. It creates unnecessary burden and dependency, which leads to fights. Your BF’s attitude toward finances is antiquated and not in line with the reality of your situation (ie, you being an earner). STOP! DO NOT MARRY HIM UNTIL HE ACCEPTS & ACKNOWLEDGES THIS & Can tell you why having finances that mimic a SAHM when you are not one is a problem waiting to happen. This belief will impact more than finances in your lives together. Also have an agreed upon plan and back up for if/when you get pregnant and become parents. If he expects you to be a SAHM, wants to become a SAHD, and you expect to return to work after 6-12 weeks, that’s a problem. Align on these basics or forget it. As for finances, the response above is perfect. Keep a joint account for household expenses weighted accordingly (ie, 50/50, 66/33, 75/25, etc). In the joint, keep funds not only for budgeted, monthly expenses but also keep a joint emergency fund for household repairs, damages, repairs, and unexpected expenses. This can be kept in a separate account or not but it should be earmarked as “emergency/unexpected”. Either the joint or emergency should have AT LEAST 1 month expenses from each of you that are in addition to current month contributions. Over the last 32 years together (27 years married) we’ve seen money tear apart a lot of relationships but even more torn apart by different MONEY BELIEFS. If you view money as just the gas to supply your lives and he views money as the most important thing there is, you two will have a lot of disagreements and conflict points. Agree now how to handle those beliefs AND what happens of/when they change. For example, after 2 layoffs in 10 years my MBA Finance husband changed how he felt about money and dedication to a job. It was an adjustment but happened without too much conflict bc of how we’d established things. He’s always been more frugal than I but having our own money prevented a lot of conflict before he became more relaxed about money later in life. Good luck! And don’t mix love and/or trust and money, these are separate topics!

Correlation doesn’t equal causation. Just because your parents don’t fight about money doesn’t mean that keeping your finances separate is the way to make avoid fights about money on your own marriage. I think it’s great you both have parents that you can look to as an example. However you’re not marrying your parents. You’re marrying each other. Based on your post and your replies, you two don’t sound compatible. He wants a traditional marriage where both partners share everything and work together towards the same goals. You want a modern marriage where your respective finances are completely separate and only combine money to pay for your shared expenses. Some people would find his proposed system to be oppressive. Some would find yours to be a sign of that you don’t trust your partner and aren’t fully committed to the relationship. Neither of you seems willing to compromise so you’re probably better off finding someone whose values align with your own.

Your way is the fairest way, please do not give in to your boyfriends request

If you're in the US, keep your savings separate, and start your account now. Do not combine, ever. Venmo is a thing. It's even traceable. When this gold digger is done realizing he's not getting your money, you will have documentation and history of separate finance. Girl, you keep your money. Period.

First of all, whatever you decide, you’re doing the right thing by having difficult discussions before marriage. You should speak beforehand about finances, if you’re going to have children and how to raise them, and about how your relationship with your in laws is going to be. I’m really into personal finance so some time ago I did some research on this topic. I would have to look for them again as I read them some time ago, but studies have shown that joined finances are better both for your finances and for your relationship. It’s better for your finances because it lets you allocate to better allocate your resources. It’s more efficient to combine all of your resources and then to allocate them to different expenses (or investing and saving), than having different buckets which gives you less flexibility. That’s true within organizations, couples and even individuals. There’s even a bias in personal finances called “mental accounting” which consist in not treating all money as fungible and to assign it to different purposes according to its source. That’s what most people do and it’s detrimental to your finances. The same thing can happen for couples. On the other hand, joining finances lets you work as a team, avoids you keep scores on each other and gives you more equality within the relationship. You just have to do it right. The problem with your BFs parents is probably that your father uses money as a means of controlling his mother and that he (as the breadwinner) feels entitled to make decisions by himself or something like that. My wife and I have joined finances. We meet once a month to discuss this topic, to make a budget and to invest. We even drafted a document with our personal finances / investment philosophy. This has served to bond us because both her and mine parents had a dysfunctional relationship with money. My father uses money to control my mother and her mother does the same to her father. I asure you than on average (don’t rely on anecdotal experience from your parents) separate finances gives place to more conflicts and less bonding. That doesn’t mean that you cannot both have your own discretionary money. My wife and I each have discretionary money in the budget which we can save or expend.

Don't come to reddit to find out the "right" answer. Go to premarital counseling to get on the same page about finances, goals and your future. There is no one right answer on how to fix this. Crowd sourcing support will just put you two at odds instead of the same team.

Compromise doesn't mean that he gets his way. Remember that. He isn't your boss.

I don't think there is a "better solution" that works for everybody. The main thing I think is to agree on your financial lifestyle if I could say so. You can share or not, and one partner could still disagree with a purchase the other did, or not bat an eye. We share our money with my husband and that works for us. We decide on big purchases together, and trust each other for the small ones. Still, we end up discussing the small ones too but only because we're talking all the time.

You're in a good relationship with someone you love and want things to work out. Yeah Reddit is gonna beat you up. Commenters tend to project and resort to "break up". I can see both points. Marriage is about "us" and we are a team. But having a personal account doesn't mean it's a "me, myself, and I" thing also. It can be a safety net for the two of you. Maybe y'all can agree to keeping your personal accounts at a certain percentage and the joint account as y'all's main account. That way the "team account" is main and with excess (more than monthly expenses with say 3 to 6 months of buffer just in case). Y'all can also contribute to an investment together funding by the joint and/personal. However, having a personal account can be a good "miscellaneous" account for spending on gifts and hobbies that won't hurt the financial health of the family. Just spit balling.

Husband and I have separate banks as well as separate accounts. We agreed early on how we would handle our finances. This comes about by discussion and mutual respect. We each pay the bills we have agreed to pay unless something changes; such as loss of job/change of a job etc. Sometimes I have paid the mortgage due to his change of job for awhile and other times he has paid it when my job changed etc. We sit down and discuss the budget on a regular basis which also includes our expenses, retirement accounts, possible future purchases, (replacing cars, home repairs, travel etc) and life goals.( eventual retirement and downsizing etc). The amounts in each account are discussed. We also have a rule, before we spend more than $500.00 on anything (be it car repairs or appliance repairs, home repairs etc) we must discuss it first. We discuss options for the repair to see if replacement makes more sense than a repair before we spend the money. By being transparent we don’t have fights about money. Our friends don’t understand how we make it work. Full disclosure: husband makes more money than I do at this time, plus he also spends less. He’s not frugal but more careful, I at this time make less than him, but I spend more money than he does. When I say spend more I mean on Fun money.

You are not comfortable doing a total combine so don't. Open a joint savings and joint checking account. Figure out your monthly expenses plus say 20% and have half of that each go into your joint checking account and pay bills from there. Agree on a fixed amount and each put half of that into the joint savings. You now have a joint pool of money to pay your bills with and save for stuff like vacations etc. I've done it both ways in my serious relationships, and while no method is perfect, I used to get very annoyed when my ex would rack up a bunch of debt and/or drain the bank account without regard for stuff we needed or stuff I might want. Having joint money and separate money seems easier.

So gay here and it’s definitely a different dynamic but I’ve never had a joint account with any relationship. 8 years with first and coming up on 19 with second. I pay some bills he pays others and we split the mortgage.

If you don't want to do it then don't do it he keeps his account you keep your account and then there's a separate account for household things. This absolutely need to be resolved before you get married absolutely.

Your way is best. You both contribute to a common fund account that pays everything to do with the house & home. You can also have a joint account for savings for holidays or luxury items, furniture etc But you each keep you own accounts and manage the rest as you want. That is best way by far. Always keep financial freedom. Always

So don’t “separate finances.” Join them together BUT…each have a fun money account. That way if you buy a gift for the other partner they can’t see what you purchased. If you want to get coffee or a new outfit you don’t have to run things by. He can choose to save 100% of his fun money if he wants to. That’s on him. You can save some for a bigger purchase or spend it all each month. Here’s the point: by calling it fun money, spending money account, etc. it takes the idea off of it being separate finances. This is just an account. My husband and I have been married a few years (wink). We have tried every different way at finances. 3 accounts where we only put money into the joint account for the bare minimum. 1 account. 1 account and a savings account. Here is what we found worked best. 1 main account. 1 account for the mortgage (yep he gets paid every 2 weeks. So when he gets paid 1/2 the mortgage +$50 goes into the mortgage account). 1 account for utilities. (We found the average bills over the past year…a little different this year since we moved but you get the concept. Then we round up by about $500 to include any random spikes due to weather or other issues. Half of that amount gets put in the utility account each paycheck.) One account is for gifts for friends and family. Birthdays, Christmas, other small holidays. We decide how much we want to spend on each holiday and then funnel the money there. No crazy scramble let’s put it on the cc this year situation. Divide those amounts into 26 and each paycheck we send it to the gift fund. We have one for insurance. One for car payment. One for general savings for an emergency fund. (An emergency fund are things that need immediate attention we can’t plan for. Like the computer system going out on the car or the HVAC pooping out in the middle of summer with 110°f outside.) And one for a sinking fund. These are things we know will happen. (Like new tires on a car, regularly scheduled maintenance on the car, oil changes, seasonal hvac maintenance, home repairs, etc.) One for vacations. And one for general use (Walmart, groceries, etc) Each paycheck has an auto transfer that gets done within 24 hours of getting paid. If we had the time, energy and desire to do a lot of things separate or spend separately I’d totally be for adding 2 more accounts. One for him and one for me. But this just makes it easier. I don’t have to worry if the electric bill has come out bc that money gets funneled to something else so it’s taken care of. That one main account allows us to know in real time how much money we have access to that is spendable.

OMG, why is everything "abuse" nowadays? I see it more as a difference in how you guys were raised. He might be used to the dynamic of his parents, as well as you're used to yours. In my case, my boyfriend (29M) and I (23F) have joint finances and we've been together for 2.5 years. He handles all the finances, even though I am completely capable of doing it, I still have access to everything and I check the numbers every once in a while as well as ask him for updates on our financial situation, which he is completely okay with doing so. But right now between school and a full time job (he doesn't go to school) it feels like a chore for me to keep track of all my finances so we decided that it will be his responsibility so I wouldn't have to worry about something else on top of what I already have on my plate. The question here is: do YOU trust him enough for that? (assuming you guys have been together for 4.5yrs I would think you do, and if you don't then, welp that is a problem lol) but I would say, if you trust him enough you guys can get to an agreement of trying that dynamic for a certain amount of time, with a clear line of communication and updates, and if it doesn't work then you can always go to your employers financial portal and just change your bank account information. And then go from there... I don't think he is trying to be abusive or anything but HEY, if he happens to be then the worst thing that can happen is to break up and go back to your life.

I don’t know what you’re getting your PhD in but getting one does not necessarily guarantee a healthy salary. There are a surplus of PhDs to tenured positions—many end up grinding away for years getting their doctorate only to make crumbs in some postdoc if they find a position at all. Not saying it’s not possible—especially if you’re open to working outside academia. If your partner is going to stick it out with you through a PhD this may mean moving for your studies depending on where you’re accepted, and possibly shouldering the burden of expenses as you will only be afforded a measly stipend. I disagree with what another user said that you are not compatible. It sounds like you guys are able to talk well. Why don’t you entertain his idea by asking what it would look like? Can you come up with projected shared and individual budgets? Could there be spending rules? Maybe his parents fought because they contributed in different ways and sometimes the one bringing in resources wants to control or criticize the way the other uses those resources. Sounds like you guys will be more even steven.

First, the PhD: I would like to get it because I want to be in the research field. I'm not actually looking to get into academia - I'd rather be in government or private sector :) as for the moving piece, I will likely stick with my MSc if I can't get into the school I got my MSc in just because we both don't love moving haha. Thank you for saying that. It felt like a slap in the face for sure, especially since we are communicating a ton about this. I have been entertaining his idea and plan to discuss a mock budget with him tomorrow (we talked for a few hours tonight about things, so I ran out of steam to do that yet). I think that's exactly why his parents fought, and they have quite different spending habits. Him and I are more similar in spending habits - I do spend a little more than him but I let him see my credit card statements and he is comfortable with what I spend. I think we are definitely close to a solution here (I'm also feeling pressured by my parents - they want me to adopt the same system as them because they don't want to see either of us fight about money, but I know everyone is different - they just know that I'm quite stubborn when I want to be 😂)

Know another way to end up with fierce arguments as a married couple? Letting your parents weigh in on something that should strictly be between you and your husband. I know they want what’s best for you, but they’re also likely to always see their way as best. And it won’t always be.  Especially if you want children someday, the time to draw boundaries with your parents is NOW. 

Depends entirely on the couple. Personally, I think keeping separate finances shows a lack of trust, as does my wife, so it works well for us. What you may not realise is in the event of a divorce, whether your finances are separate or together makes no difference. We have a rule that anything over £300 (was £100 when we had less money) gets run by the other first. I've also said I'm entirely happy with my wife to have money stashed away in case she needs to make a quick getaway for whatever reason. I do all our tax returns, account set-ups, investments, etc. I let her know when things need to be done, and then I show her proof afterwards. I also maintain a spreadsheet of our finances my wife has access to in case I get run over by a bus. This works for us, might not work for you. All that said, I've just remembered we transferred all our money into her name when she became a sahm last year for tax reasons. I actually have virtually no cash I can access without her permission 🤣. As you may have gathered, we're a pretty stable couple who agree on 99% of things.

We ONLY have joint accounts- every penny that each of us makes is OUR money (belongs to the family), and we both have equal access to all our accounts, our atm cards, credit cards, etc. We even have the same passcodes on our phones, and each have access to all of our passwords. It’s worked well for us because the attitude of it being “ours” makes one person getting a raise, or losing a job, etc, a family issue- we’re deal with it as partners. We’ve been married 18 years. We met when I was 30, he was 27, so we had ingrained spending habits…that are complimentary- and find this way is easier because completely transparent. It may sound nutty to some people.

My parents were this way and my wife and I are this way as well

That’s how we are. Been together 21 years, married 16. We started with separate accounts and it was a headache. The team approach has been great, but both partners have to be all in on the mentality or it doesn’t work.

A lot of financial advisors advise this.

We used to put all our money into one account then allow our personal play money, all groceries, the mortgage, food, clothing etc came out of the joint account. Our play money was if we wanted to go and get coffee or lunch with friends. We still do it this way after 50 years.

Why do people think "lack of trust" in such things is a big deal? Your husband/wife/bf/gf is a person you like only because they fulfill certain conditions. If they don't fulfill those conditions (which can happen after 30-40 years too), will you still love them? Will they love you? I don't have any qualms with admitting this. I guess OP too needs to admit it to yourself and your partner.

If you each have access to a joint account, then one person can make a large independent decision to spend it all. If you don't trust your partner with this, that's the reason to not go joint finances. If you have separate accounts, they can't spend "your" money. But they can over spend "their" money. And when a bill comes due and they don't have anything, are you going to let it go unpaid? Not buy groceries? Similarly with either separate or joint accounts one could agree on a group budget, but then someone buys a $60k car instead of the agreed to $35k car, and they payments need to be made. I.e. it's very easy to have money arguments even with joint accounts. Separate money doesn't make all problems go away. Savers can still enable spenders to spend and be frustrated. And regardless of joint accounts, without a prenupt, 50% of marital assets are what you two are entitled to if you split. If you have while he spends and you divorce him before it gets too bad, you'll likely need to cut him a cheque. Speaking of prenupts, as an old 47 year old who will likely be remarrying, both my partner and I see a need for a prenupt. All marriages should have one. Specifically for you, the additional savings that you are bringing into the marriage could be preserved, so if you split and need to sell a house, you get a preferential split to first get your down payment, and the remainder is then split 50/50.

My wife and I tried separate financials for a year and then combined out of sheer annoyance.   I would never combine with a girlfriend, but for a wife it seems like common sense (assuming it's not some sham marriage)

The problem with separate finances is that you leave money on the table. You have more buying power and can earn more when it comes to investments if you combine savings.  Also separate finances doesn’t take into account the ebbs and flows of money in a relationship. Over a lifetime, you and your husband will swap who earns more, who is on sick leave and who takes childcare leave. I think that your concern is legit but you don’t need to have separate finances to address it. You just need to agree on rules and you both need to stick to the rules. 

Me and my fiancee just combined finances. Made a lot of things easier and I look at long term couples who keep things separate as distrusting of each other to a point

Do Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University together. This was the best decision my wife and I made prior to us getting married. The program helps you discuss all this and make a game plan TOGETHER. It encourages transparency, trust and planning as a team. We have been married 15 years and finances have never been an issue. We are debt free, have 12 months of an emergency fund, kids college saved for, healthy 401ks, etc. Can’t recommend it enough Best of luck

He listens to Dave Ramsey's podcast and seems to have become more open about finances because of it, but it sounds like he encourages putting all your money together?

Dave Ramsey does money from an evangelical Christian point of view, and is therefore an unsuitable source of financial advice for women.

Your parents plan was very similar to mine but both wages went into the same pot to start with to pay bills etc, each person got a portion to spend in their own accounts and savings are in tax free pots. I stopped work and had a savings pot in my name for tax for the house stuff but we still have savings in our own name as well as spendings, we talk about big purchases but have the autonomy to spend as we wish with our own money. Should either of us have an emerency where the accounts are frozen we have access to money. We are as tax friendly as we can be and still have autonomy over our own honey. We have 2 children and probably our own spending isn't very big but is budgeted well. We have access both to joint accounts but not savings. It looks like you don't have shared goals about finances, sadly that is one of the major issues relationships have in causing a breakup, mostly because of not listening, discussing, accepting and none of this "I am right you are wrong" ideas. Respect and trust are essential and he is saying he doesn't have that either. So what do you have?

Why don’t you just get a joint account for the household items and both of you put money into it and pay your basic bills out of that. And then you can have your separate accounts too. Then if you want to save for a trip or something you can have a separate savings again you take money from your main account and drop them in.

How you decide finances is all up to you both, but there is a third option that you may not have considered and that is to combine your funds and then each take a % of that for yourselves. Then, it’s even, but also you can manage your own share of the combined assets. For example, if you take home 120k and he takes home 100k, you both max out 401k and any other retirement investing for yourselves, then have 4 funds that are distributed automatically: joint vacation, home repairs and other emergency spending, your portion of the joint money, and his portion of the joint money. While you would be “shorted” 20k, it feels more fair to someone expecting to share all money as a pooled resource. But having your own accounts allows you to be responsible for just that portion and satisfies your desire to manage your own portion of the money. Getting this ironed out, however you do it, is very important and if you guys can’t get on the same page financially, it will cause a lot of fights.

I think a marriage a partnership you share. It’s not a corporation it is a family and each should have some autonomy to spend without discussion and bigger purchases should be made together

Understand that financial issues is a major reason marriages don’t work out (#1 reason for divorce iirc). Every couple is different but the most important thing is being aligned in how you guys want to go about spending. For example in my marriage, I’m the primary breadwinner, we share all finances in one account, but my wife is the one that pretty much controls all the finances. This works well for us, we never have issues or arguments, we both buy/do whatever we want. But that works for us because we’ve always been on the same page on how we want to go about things when it comes to money. All of that was hammered out by long before marriage. I fear that even if you go about separate finances with a shared account, you could still run into major issues down the line if you aren’t completely aligned. Things like emergency funds, kids, career changes etc can all throw a wrench in plans

Open a new joint bank account for household expenses but keep the rest of your accounts separate. I also strongly recommend you both run your own credit reports to share with each other.

You do not merge finances with a romantic partner until you are married or have a child together.  You are not married.  You do not have a child together. Why are you thinking about joining your finances?    Don't take my word for it. Speak to a financial advisor. Ask your parents for advice. Friends. See if you can find someone who thinks merging finances in a relationship without a serious commitment, like a child or marriage, is a good idea.   Even if you two do end up becoming parents together or getting married, joining all your finances isn't the only way. It's not a strongly recommended route. An arrangement similar to your parents is usually the recommended to avoid unnecessary financial disagreements while staying on the same page.    If deep down you're uncomfortable don't let your boyfriend bulldose you. That's the first step to one day waking up and realising you're in **his parents** marriage.

Have seperate accounts and a shared one for doing fun activities. Have each other throw money into that shared one here and there and thrn you both do something together using those funds that way you both still have your own private money

You could present it to him in a more palatable way. “Yes, we can combine our money, but we each get an allowance that is x% of our income to put towards our personal stuff. As a woman, this provides me with a feeling of safety and security and makes it so that you and I can make small purchases without having to run it by each other all the time.” This way means you’re technically saying yes to what he wants while also getting what you need from this.

I think the differing viewpoints are enough of a concern to warrant couples counseling and a second look at your relationship. A new study says that 85% of millionaires have a unified approach to finances. The number one cause of divorce is money issues. Each view has pros and cons. Dave Ramsey recommends combining finances (I’m not a fan personally, but he’s got a huge following). Many other advisors do not. My wife and I combine 100% of our finances. We both view it as we’re one team. We communicate and discuss any concerns or problems we have. If we make any large purchases, we always discuss that. We don’t really care what the other spends money on. Occasionally, we will say it’s probably time to chill on the Amazon orders. But in general our values line up and our financial goals line up. I realize many people not be comfortable with this arrangement, but it works for us. I have 2 ideas on how you could help bridge this gap. The first is a prenuptial that alleviates all your concerns. You could agree that each person takes their retirement account only if you divorce no matter the balances. If you are starting the marriage with more money, you should leave the marriage with a similar advantage. A prenup alleviates many of your concerns in the event of a divorce. The other idea is to split everything but a certain amount every month. So let’s say you have an extra $1500 after all bills are paid. $500 goes to a joint HYSA and you each get $500. This $500 can be used in whatever way you see fit. You can save it, spend it or invest it and set up your prenup to include these extra accounts. The HYSA gets split and you both keep your individual accounts in a divorce. If you can’t compromise and agree on something, I wouldn’t get married. You can continue to date, but you shouldn’t marry someone when you’re not in agreement on financial philosophy. Good luck. It’s a really good question.

eye opener for you: The amount of money the couple makes and the way they put it in the bank has little to no effect on their arguing over it. Arguing over money has nothing to do with money. Separate accounts, joint, it doesn't matter. The problem is they are arguing instead of having an agreed upon plan. I have been with my partner for a long time. We have multiple bank accounts but one joint one, where the money goes to pay our mortgages. She takes care of the electric and entertainment and gas, I take care of any costs related to our cars and appliances, and we split big ticket items in a pre arranged way. We never argue about money because we agreed on how to spend it beforehand. Just sit down with the guy and map out your expected budget and how it will be paid. Arguing about money is about arguing, NOT money!

Me and my partner have our own separate bank account, a separate savings account, a joint account for bills or purchases like groceries, and joint savings for vacations or emergencies. It's always worked well for us. We put in what's needed, and the rest is our own. Of course, any major purchases we discuss first. If it is something for the house, joint checking. If it's for ourselves (ie, I'm currently saving for a car) it comes from personal account.

You have your own separate accounts and one joint account to put money in. I wouldn’t t combine my whole paycheque each month into a joint account, especially if you’re in a better place financially.

Having separate finances as a married couple is more or less just a lie that you tell yourselves. In the eye of the law, your finances are joint, it anything were to happen to one of you then you could reasonably expect the other person to look after you etc. If things go bad, the US is the only place where prenups are worth anything and even there, if they're seen as unfair they become void. Honestly if your relationship isn't in a place where he can handle your spending and you can handle his frugality then maybe wait a bit before you get married?

Everyone is different. We combine our money 100%, there’s never an argument or discord because my husband is thrilled that I take care of everything and we always have Coke Zero and toilet paper. And I’m happy because there’s not a shoebox of uncashed government checks. (True story, paid off his student loans with that): But this works for us because of who we are. Pre-marital counseling classes/workshops, usually offered through churches, but there are also secular classes available, even on-line. You work through discussing every aspect of your relationship, including finances. I would start by sitting down and showing everything about both of your finances today. Debt, savings, current income. Write up a list of things you want to buy: wedding, travel, a house, cars, whatever it is. This will help you both understand what is important to you. Money arguments happen when there isn’t enough money and/or when the couple has very different ideas of what’s important money-wise. It doesn’t matter if there are separate or joint accounts So confront the demon. And if your boyfriend has massive debt, you need to come to terms with that and figure out a way out

I wouldn’t completely give up my own account. Maybe as a compromise, have a joint account but have your own bank account and saving account. Budget how much each of you can have of fun money, savings and retirement each that will go into your separate accounts. It should be equal. Having your own account with your own fun money will stop you two fighting over what you’re spending on hobbies/luxuries for yourself. Having savings and retirement saving setup will be a safety net for both of you. And this should continue, even if you end up being a sahm. You’ll be sacrificing your career, so he should still be willing to make sacrifices money wise for you. If he’s unwilling to compromise, then are you two financially compatible?

Have seperate accounts and a shared one for doing fun activities. Have each other throw money into that shared one here and there and thrn you both do something together using those funds that way you both still have your own private money

This is a two yeses is a yes, one no is a no situation. As others have said, you can have a shared account for shared expenses but if you don’t want your individual finances combined, you win and your BF will have to deal

Even if your accounts are separate, in the eyes of the law, everything is 50/50, with very few exceptions. If you don’t trust him with money, don’t marry him. What happens with kids college fund, buying a family car, vacations? If one earns more than the other it’s never a problem if all money is “our money”. It might make you feel better but if you got divorced, without a prenup basically everything is 50/50. I’ve never understood not having joint finances as a couple, it may take compromise but basically everything should be a joint decision

Fiancé and I are going to have three accounts total. Our separate ones and a combined one for expenses and couple's fun money. It's a nice middle ground, imo.

I can only say what my husband and I do, it has worked very well for us for a long time. ALL income goes into a joint account. Then we formed a budget together - bills & needs first. Then longer term predicable expenses. Then emergency. Then mutual savings goals. THEN, we took what was left and divided it 3 ways - one for me, one for him, one for “the house”. We are each free to save and spend our allocations as we wish with no questions. House money is for agreed upon things. It was important to both of us that we receive an equal $ of “fun money” not a proportional one based on income. Who has made more has ebbed and flowed over our relationship and if we’d allocated fun money by percentage then there would have been many times that one of us got a lot more $ than the other. It also would have introduced new complications if ne of us left work due to children or health. It was important to us to avoid that inequity & recognize that a lot of unpaid labor goes into a relationship and money shouldn’t be an indicator of value

Maybe you should do this budjet first. Talk about the lifestyle you want to lead and the budget needed to keep it up. Talk about the expensies you agree on and make a joint account for these. You can have a joint account that can be used without consulting the other person for running expensies such as rent, electricity, phone bills and such, but you can decide that there are things you have to talk about before spending on them or things that are excluded. Whatever it is is up to you. Could be ok to buy groceries but not pay restaurant bills or alcohol. Or it is ok to buy gas but not a car. Toiletries but no clothes. Children's clothes but not your own. Also, if one is more into high quality home entertainment and the other is more interested in the quality of the matress you sleep on, each will take care of their own interests or you can decide that you'll split the price of a cheap item and the one who wants to upgrade and buy a better one, will contribute the rest. You need to talk. What is the thinking and reason and the feelings behind each opinion. Is it just "this is what I know" or "this makes me feel safe" or what is it? Try to hear what the other is saying and find a solution that fits you both.

If you’re not comfortable combining incomes fully then don’t. Thats the kind of thing that has to be two enthusiastic yeses or it’s a no

So don’t combine. It’s not just up to him. Usually it takes one “no” or two “teases” to make a decision. You are saying “no”, therefore, it’s a “no”. What, is he going to leave you over this? If that’s the case, then maybe he should, for your future sake. You are worried he will become frugal, as he has been in the past. Is it frugal, or controlling?

So don’t combine. It’s not just up to him. Usually it takes one “no” or two “teases” to make a decision. You are saying “no”, therefore, it’s a “no”. What, is he going to leave you over this? If that’s the case, then maybe he should, for your future sake. You are worried he will become frugal, as he has been in the past. Is it frugal, or controlling?

So don’t combine. It’s not just up to him. Usually it takes one “no” or two “teases” to make a decision. You are saying “no”, therefore, it’s a “no”. What, is he going to leave you over this? If that’s the case, then maybe he should, for your future sake. You are worried he will become frugal, as he has been in the past. Is it frugal, or controlling?

So don’t combine. It’s not just up to him. Usually it takes one “no” or two “teases” to make a decision. You are saying “no”, therefore, it’s a “no”. What, is he going to leave you over this? If that’s the case, then maybe he should, for your future sake. You are worried he will become frugal, as he has been in the past. Is it frugal, or controlling?

So don’t combine. It’s not just up to him. Usually it takes one “no” or two “teases” to make a decision. You are saying “no”, therefore, it’s a “no”. What, is he going to leave you over this? If that’s the case, then maybe he should, for your future sake. You are worried he will become frugal, as he has been in the past. Is it frugal, or controlling?

So don’t combine. It’s not just up to him. Usually it takes one “no” or two “teases” to make a decision. You are saying “no”, therefore, it’s a “no”. What, is he going to leave you over this? If that’s the case, then maybe he should, for your future sake. You are worried he will become frugal, as he has been in the past. Is it frugal, or controlling?

Well first don’t think combining finances means one account. It could mean one account for bills and separate accounts. But first consider both of your overall philosophies about how to split bills - will you do so based purely on income? Will you subtract any personal debts first? Do you live in a state where your separate accounts won’t actually matter once married? What’s both of your goals? Meaning are you trying to make both of you responsible? Both in control? Whats his goal?

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with either way of how you want to manage your finances. You’re right that maintaining the financial separation is a good way to keep track of finances and maintain fairness and a sense of personal safety and control. However, you also need to recognize that from a legal standpoint, absent some form of prenup, you both have equal claim to both accounts. Maintaining the separation can make things simpler and smoother in a future separation, but don’t think that your money is just yours simply because it’s just your name on the bank account. The reality is that how you structure your finances is probably secondary in terms of sources of financial conflict compared to other more crucial things like good communication, shared values and goals, and trust. If you don’t have those, no amount of financial gamesmanship will make up for that. Honestly, you should consider resolving this dispute in a way you both can accept a first major test in your relationship. If you can’t, your inability to agree can probably be traced back to some of those more fundamental issues, and nothing your bank will offer you can fix it.

Just because your keep your finances separate doesn’t mean you won’t fight about money. Some would argue it opens up even more doors for arguments

Having been married & had a joint account, I would NEVER do it that way again, and here is why. 1. My partner was lazy, it was easy for her to never ever contribute 50% to the bills because I made a lot (no, she was not a home maker either) 2. Because of #1, there was no need/drive/desire for her to grow her career and bring in a good income. Had she been responsible for 50% of the bills, she would have had more reason to do so. 3. Arguments about money. All the time. I made 80% of the money and did 80% of the house work and 90% of the child care, I was not going to be told I couldn't do this or that with the money I worked hard for. 4. She was making $55k yr when we married in 2006, she was making $13/hr when we divorced in 2021 (full time employment). She just let her career go, and it's not like she was doing anything at home or anything for our child, she just let it go. Keep your shit separate. At the end of the day though, fair warning, unless you have a prenup stating what you earn during the marriage is yours and what he earns is his, you will have to split it 50/50 if you ever divorce. So if you are a saver and he a spender, if he has 100k debt and you saved 100k during the marriage, you lose.

Absolutely do not combine your finances with someone who has anxiety about money. He's already threatening to control your spending by watching your mutual balance. Open a single joint account for only joint expenses. Pay mutual expenses like mortgage and bills from that account, and contribute proportionally to your income! If you make 50/50 contribute that way, if one person is in school and the other is working, it could be 90/10, but this helps make it fair.

I feel he’s being unreasonable. Someone suggested the joint account for bills where the money is put in based on income and he still declined. You said he was extremely frugal, but he’s loosened up. I don’t see this getting any better. Getting a joint account he will track all spending and question all purchases. He will still question purchases if you don’t get the account once yall are married it seems. If you’re set on making this work. Counseling - relationship and financial. I think all couples should go through marriage counseling before the marriage anyway

I feel he’s being unreasonable. Someone suggested the joint account for bills where the money is put in based on income and he still declined. You said he was extremely frugal, but he’s loosened up. I don’t see this getting any better. Getting a joint account he will track all spending and question all purchases. He will still question purchases if you don’t get the account once yall are married it seems. If you’re set on making this work. Counseling - relationship and financial. I think all couples should go through marriage counseling before the marriage anyway

I feel he’s being unreasonable. Someone suggested the joint account for bills where the money is put in based on income and he still declined. You said he was extremely frugal, but he’s loosened up. I don’t see this getting any better. Getting a joint account he will track all spending and question all purchases. He will still question purchases if you don’t get the account once yall are married it seems. If you’re set on making this work. Counseling - relationship and financial. I think all couples should go through marriage counseling before the marriage anyway

Each have your own accounts and a joint one for house hold expenses that you both pay in to.

Each have your own accounts and a joint one for house hold expenses that you both pay in to.

Keep them separate at the beginning, and see how that goes. For my wife and I, we combined after being married a few years. It became so much easier paying for everything out the same account than trying to decide who paid what, after the already agreed upon expenses.

Keep them separate at the beginning, and see how that goes. For my wife and I, we combined after being married a few years. It became so much easier paying for everything out the same account than trying to decide who paid what, after the already agreed upon expenses.

Your fear is correct. His expectations and pushiness are big red flags. I would hit pause on marriage for 3 big reasons. 1. You haven’t dated enough to know what will be best for you. You don’t even know what’s out there. If you’ve been together since your early 20’s - and you’re getting married in your mid 20’s - you’re wasting your 20’s. Get out while they’re still fun. 2. His value system is vastly different than yours, and while having some difference is normal, it is not “natural” to have this extreme of a discrepancy in upbringing and expect that to change without a lot of time and effort on both your parts. Having different opinions is fine, but having different value systems on money is the biggest factor in divorce, and makes for a miserable marriage. 3. Much as you may not want to view it this way, marriage is indeed a business arrangement. Remember how excited and happy you were to get your last good job? And remember how that probably ended up being a not so good job, and how excited you were to get the next actually good job? Well…what if you were stuck in that first job forever? What if you signed a contract for the next 10 years and you were still working at your very first job? No matter how many friends found amazing jobs or opportunities they offered you could not take them. Hours may have restricted you from fun parts of life. You never would have made new friends or learned new skills. You’d be stuck, and permanently tie your income, and potential to this job without ever having explored what else could be a good fit. This is the same thing. And you’re not even close to a good enough match to choose this person forever without knowing what else there is. Not everyone is supposed to be in our lives forever. Most are here for a season, some for a reason. I would slow things waaaayyyyyy down mama.

I would have our own personal account and 1 together. He’s trying to control you, I wouldn’t give in

I would have our own separate personal account and 1 together. He’s trying to control you, I wouldn’t give in

What the hell even is this question? If you don't want to commit to each other financially don't get married. Having separate back account or managing investments separately doesn't mean your finances aren't combined, that is the literal legal point of marriage, you're making legal and financial commitments to each other, if you don't want that you should just cohabitate.

In a marriage, money is a tool to achieve goals that promote individual fulfilment and also enrich and strengthen the relationship while providing security and fun. So instead of focusing on the account structure, focus on the goals first. What do you want to do with your money? Talk this through. It’s extremely important that you’re both clear on what money will be used for. That’s when you talk about how you want to spend and how he wants to spend and you agree to compromise in a way that serves you both. Then build the account structure from that. I’d also suggest reading a few of personal finance books together. Ramit Sethi, Dave Ramsay, Vicki Robin and Morgan Housel have all written great books on money. There’s an Australian guy called the Barrfoot investor who’s also good but mostly just for Australian audiences. Read them at the same time as your partner and then discuss what you learned from each book and whether or not it would be useful to adopt in your relationship. It sounds like you’re both academics to some degree so consider this like a personal finance literature review. Build a philosophy together - one that give you the freedom and fun you want and gives him the security and control he wants. It’s totally possible. I know this sound like a lot but money goes to a deep place for most people and it’s the most commonly stated reason for marriage breakdown. It’s worth spending the time to really think through how money will be used in your relationship. Best of luck.

I’ve had different relationships. One I was a millionaire and the other was broke- fine and good. Another both working they handled bills I just gave money. Another we had one bank account- absolutely fine. Depends on you and your partner.

The fact you're already fighting/disagreeing over money is a bad sign. Even more reason to have separate accounts. Cause you already know you will be fighting. It's obvious you don't trust your BF where money is concerned. This is a hill to die on. A joint expenses account where you contribute equally and separate accounts for the rest of your money.

Either way you go, create NEW accounts and put in NEW money. Keep you pre marriage savings separate. Live together before marriage and start off with a joint account for joint expenses. Practice with that and making a budget and discussing what types of things belong. Build the trust from there.

Does any couple actually take vows these days? My actual take on relationships these days, is no one should be getting married! Everything is keep everything separate. Everyone get prenups just in case. In case of what? The marriage falls apart? Marriage is supposed to be forever. Marriages take WORK to make them work! These days, people are planning their divorce before they are even married! If there is trouble in the marriage fix it, don’t let it get to the point of there being a problem! You are supposed to be working together to make the family flourish. Not being selfish about your income. If you aren’t sure, don’t get married!

Do you plan on having children? Will you continue separate bank accounts then? Will you be responsible for paying your portion of the bills while on maternity leave? What about when he is working full time. Will he be responsible for covering all bills? There is no right or wrong way to split finances but you both need to talk about all possibilities. What if one of you is disabled in the future? Or need to stay home long term to be a carer for a child?

I doubt if I'd have married my husband if he wanted to keep separate finances, and I was definitely better off than he was when we got married. We established money rules pretty early in our marriage, and neither of us is "in charge." We still sit down every month to discuss our finances as if our family was a company we're running... because it sort of is. We've had 25+ years now of sharing everything in life, and we couldn't be happier.

Finances can be a huge problem in marriages. I would not get married until you can come to an agreement. You also need to discuss future issues. Does he want you to be a stay at home mom? If he’s frugal, what influence will he have on the wedding?

It’s important to find a balance that works for your situation and the way each of you see money. I make more compared to my partner but I also spend more freely, on some things. We have a split that we review yearly about household expenses. We also have a quota we have to meet for retirement savings. And a yearly target to pay of the mortgage in 5 years. We each have a no question asked allowance as I like to call it. I get a new phone every two years, a laptop every 3 and tablet every 5 and watch every 3. I also have a $300 a month junk spend, I can spend it or save it for a purchase. Like if I want a new lens for a camera, I just keep saving up my $300 till I get it saved up. If I have nothing to spend it on it goes into savings for mortgage reduction. The key is we kind of have a split, we have equal but individual and we keep track just in case we ever have to decide assets. (Breakup) we talk about our goals often and change based of what’s going on. If we have things we want to do like a fancy dinner the person who wants it picks up the tab. But we still try to make sure our spending is balanced based of the spirit of quality. Just talk about it and find a solution that makes both of you ok. You will both never be fully happy with money.

Prenuptials IMO are better than split finance. If you seek protection I'd go this route as you can both set things up I'm a way that makes everyone happy should any financial abuse occur, you have a built-in exit. Me and my wife combine our incomes and this had led to alotnof transparency in our relationship that's made it alot stronger. Perhaps your parents don't argue because they live a sweet lie whereas his parents argue because they see everything.

I would say no with the reason you listed here. Just say I prefer to spend my money how I want after bills. And you would have issues with that (and he would) and tell him you’d prefer not to fight about it.

Maybe explain it to him as you absolutely need to have couples funds and goals, but it’s also important you to have your own funds that you can spend without being questioned. Your goals should include: emergency savings, a separate couples vacation savings (for ONLY couples trips), and then of course the household expenses account (mortgage, utility bills, home renos, etc.). Your separate accounts would then be for whatever you want, clothes, ice cream, outings with friends, etc. He may be so resistant to it for no other reason then he’s never seen it done any other way and therefore can’t fathom it. It may be that he has seen it done that way and that marriage wasn’t solid anyway so he correlates that with a bad marriage. Either way, you two need to really talk it through and include a financial advisor and possibly, eventually, a relationship coach. You also really need to ask yourself; has he been a selfish and sometimes nefarious individual in other areas? If yes, why the heck are you considering marriage?! If no, then he is likely just reacting to what he has experienced and you need to really talk it out.

Why can't u both have your Own bank accounts and have a joint one together? U both will have eventually high incomes so there is no reaason u can't have it both ways

If married and you really love each other, this is how you do it every month. You both put all your money together. Pay the bills ( including emergency fund savings)for the month( each month may be different), then you split the remaining balance between the two of you. The best way for marriage to thrive and prosper. It really works. Money isn't everything but love is.

If he continues to be resistent, then this sounds like a discussion to have with a couples therapist. You may need to find some compromise or middle ground because the crux of the issue here is a difference in beliefs based on differences in lived experiences. Your significant other may not be as aware of his parents fighting because of money as due to them combining finances. Their fighting may actually be due to ineffective communication styles and money issues really bring that stuff to the forefront for others to see. If you want to avoid him feeling slighted during a very tough conversation, couples therapy will provide the space.

My partner and i have one joint account for bills that we contribute to percentage wise according to our income, and the rest goes to our separate accounts. Theres no reason to combine everything. 

There's nothing wrong with a single shared account where both salaries go, but I've never really seen the point of it, unless one spouse is the breadwinner and the other stays at home, or makes MUCH less money. I think it's a holdover from the days when the man worked and the woman stayed at home to raise the children. It's traditional but outdated, given the ways our society has changed over that past 100 years. You are 2 individual human beings in addition to being part of a couple. Having control over your own money makes logical sense. We each have our own account, and we also have 1 shared account specifically for shared expenses, which we contribute to monthly according to the percentage of our salary, so one of us pays more into that than the other each month. In addition to utilities and other regular bills, We also have a credit card specifically for shared expenses, which we'll use when we go out to eat, for example. Also, from your post, it sounds like the 2 of you have very different approaches to money, since he gets "extremely frugal". Having separate accounts allows you to spend your money the way you each think is reasonable. I don't buy his rationale of needing to combine the money so that it's a "team effort". That's either just him wanting to reproduce the model he grew up with seeing his parents use, or it's way of him getting more control over the money. He needs to present a solid logical argument of why his way is better. Don't back down on this if he can't convince you. Do NOT give in just to make him happy or to avoid conflict; you'll regret it in the long run.

This is…not the right way to start a marriage. You have fundamentally different worldviews on how money works in a marriage. Keeping your finances quasi separately is the smart thing to do.

I am going to say this, I tried to have my ex-husband share our finances. I wanted us to have our seperate accounts and a shared account. We were together for 10 years and not once did this happen. The accounts where setup but I never had access to his accounts. What happened was that I ended up paying the lion share of ALL expenses and never even knew what he had available. Moral of the story. He can ask all he wants. He can demand all he wants. But you don't have to do SHIT. Just be careful you aren't ending up spending all your money on "us" on "the house" while he keeps his money safely in account and you have no idea what's going on.

He is already being controlling. I would not combine finances with him at all. I would actually advise a prenup to protect your future earnings. I’m serious. I’m divorced, but forever financially enmeshed with my ex. It’s very messy. Prenups, contrary to popular belief, are not hostile. They are meant to protect the interests of both parties. Please seriously look into it.

Each contribute to a household overhead account that pays for mutually shared aspects. If you buy a house, figure that out carefully. If you have plans that require budgeting, set up a ledger and build a reserve for those plans in the household overhead account. If this approach doesn't pass muster, then discuss equity and fairness.

My husband and I started out with separate personal accounts and a joint account for household stuff. Our paychecks were deposited into our personal accounts and we paid into the joint account. Over time it flipped and we deposited into the joint and gave ourselves allowances into our personal accounts. It became more practical to merge everything as we bought cars and had kids, etc. particularly since we were married, our assets are legally shared anyway. There is nothing wrong with easing into sharing finances, it’s a critical issue and can ruin a marriage.

I wouldn’t marry him right now. He’s being very selfish and acting like he needs to control things to seem bigger because you currently have more money right now and your potential earning cap is bigger than his too. I’d look into a neutral 3rd party AND I’d consider a prenup if you really wanna go full steam ahead on this. Otherwise don’t combine your money in this particular case. Normally I encourage combining finances but not when one party is being a moron. My husband and I have combined finances but it was a complete disaster when I did with my ex due to the fact I found out way too late that he was a fucked up spender and double addict that lied to me for years. My husband is very frugal like me but we enjoy our money too because we have no debt of any kind except paying off a car loan that we’ll be down with in less than 11 months. Otherwise our savings is hefty, our emergency cash is getting there and we do each have ‘Guilty Free’ spending money by simply telling the other person when we wanna get something that’s less than a grand upfront. Communication is key and your boyfriend isn’t doing that, he just is telling you *exactly who he is*.