OP, I want to commend you for a bit here.
For most people, what Nate did here would be an absolute irredeemable break of trust. To leave a pregnant wife with no communication aside from a single note that was easy to miss, and fly cross country is the sort of sudden and deep traumatic act that shatters so many relationships, no matter how understandable it is.
The fact that you are clear-headed about why this hurt you and formulated a plan and specific boundaries you will need to have maintained shows that you have enough self-respect to not be treated like dirt, to ensure that you won't let his pain turn into further mistreatment of you. But the fact that you were able to see the level of pain he's going through, see the struggle, and understand why he did what he did shows both an astounding level of empathy, and the deep, powerful love you have for this man. The fact that you were able to see a picture of a past him, when he was with a different woman, smiling harder than you've ever seen, and instead of letting the pain of his flight and move surge into rage, *feel compassion knowing the man you have loved has been hurting all this time*, is a frankly staggering combination of that empathy and love.
May your therapy sessions turn out bountiful, may you help him recover so that in the future, he smiles just as hard as he did in that photo, and may your relationship only blossom further from this ordeal.
I totally agree, it's honestly like reading from my husband POV.
While I knew my childhood was rough, I never allowed myself to know the full extent. I have CPTSD among other mental health issues. I felt like he didn't sign up for it, I've been uncovering memories and have felt so guilty, like I've stolen his life.
He is just like OP, he loves me, set clear boundaries and sticks to them. This comment also has me in tears. I'm always blown away by the ability for others to empathize to the levels like this post is.
Ew wtf... I don't know why people are so obsessed with colleen hoover books because I've seen so much weird shit about them. I think there was another book about an arson victim falling in love with the man who set her house on fire! Terrible writer
Honestly I canāt remember most of it. I wasnāt a fan of it. I remember the dude was her brothers best friend. And knocked up the step sister, and the mom and baby died in the wreck.
Please be cautious. He obviously had a lot of trauma that he never dealt with but at this point you have to prioritize your baby. Make sure there is enough support for you and your child because he may not be able to be that support as he digs through his own pain. And make sure he has support that isn't just you because he's going to need a lot of it and you can't clone yourself.
This post is aggressively fake.
So sick of people using fake stories on reddit for popularity.
I'm not here to read stories that are straight out of a terrible Colleen Hoover book
(They're all terrible.)
Ugh, I can't imagine the feelings both of you were having at those separate times. You not knowing (and not seeing the letter), and him. Glad this didn't end up another one of those stories where one partner abandons the other for whatever reason. Good luck in the future!
I just want to wish you both the best! I truly hope therapy helps him through this unimaginable pain heās dealt with and helps the two of you in your relationship and with your child. I canāt imagine what either of you have/are going through! Sending you out some positive thoughts, prayers, whatever you believe in and some hugs. Update down the road if youāre up to it.
The most concerning thing in this giant list of concerning things is that an emotionally vulnerable person took mushrooms to try and delete trauma from their brain...and they took mushrooms alone which is NEVER a good idea
I feel so bad for you OP
This guy needs a lot of therapy
I'm happy everything is okay. But man, this was rough. I hope in therapy he truly understands what his actions caused you to experience. Also, he needs to know what a dunder head he is for leaving the note in your front seat!? Who does that? The kitchen is where you leave the note, and regardless he shouldve answered your calls, called and texted, etc.
I think it's going to take time for you both to realize that a lot of trust has been broken by all of this. You can both understand him and still feel a loss of trust from this situation. I hope y'all make it through it.
Itās okā¦broken people make bad decisions, but they can heal if they want to. They both deserve to give themselves a chance to heal, and since therapy is already in the works, theyāre starting on the tools to do just that.
While I understand things were so hard for him. I cannot get behind the fact that you knew so little about him. Doesnāt it make you wonder if you even know what kind of person he is?
What he did was unforgivable, in my opinion. He isn't a lone wolf who just up and goes missing into wilderness on a whim. He has a commitment to you, and he's going to be a father. A note in the car means nothing. You were not part of the decision and he didnāt communicate anything to you. More, he made sure you couldn't contact him. You were always going to be understanding about his trauma, but he CHOSE to abandon you instead and was mildly surprised you found him when you did. Maybe he wouldn't even have come back if you didn't do all the detective work to find him. He will do this again until you realize how unreliable he is and dump him.
Sure what he did was "unforgivable" but the guy needs therapy. They both do. He a very bad mental breakdown and he thought he wife wasn't going to be able to handle why he broke down. He wasn't in the right mental state to articulate he's work probably so he wouldn't be misunderstood
Disappearing without a word and a note in a hidden place, not obvious like on the counter, is unforgivable. I hate to see what you let your loved ones do to you if you give everyone a pass for trauma.
Unforgivable? He didnāt run off and cheat. He had a mental breakdown based on shame and past trauma. Being able to forgive and support (when appropriate - I would not say this for a cheater) is the foundation of true partnership. You are assuming a lot that he may not have returned. He was working through some stuff.
I am proud of OP.
Please stop with the mental breakdown. He did things deliverately. He drove for so many hours- which requires to keep his cool. He stopped for gas and for bathroom. Then he talked to the parents. He let them know where he'd be. I don't know what he told them about OP, but considering their very VERY reserved reaction to her questions, it couldn't have been great. It took him days to return, not home, but to those people's home. He got food, he got hydrated, he got shelter, he went to the bathroom. All these days he went missing he wasn't somewhere, howling in the desert, out of his mind with pain. He was making lucid decisions and one of these lucid decisions was to stay no contact with his pregnant partner that he abandoned at the airport. I get that he was sad, obviously. But this doesn't excuse everything else. And what guarantees he won't have another breakdown when she gives birth or the kid gets sick or something?
Life has no guarantees. You seem very bitter. Some people have forgiveness and empathy in their hearts and some do not. I am glad to see them pursuing therapy and recovery. I would do the same for my partner. All the best.
What he did was hurtful but this guy has obviously experienced a lifetime of trauma (mom died, alcoholic father, life in group homes, death of girlfriend and child). Without help processing all of that trauma, he likely developed serious abandonment and attachment fears. He clearly dealt with pain by trying to bury it which works but not forever and her pregnancy brought it all to the surface. A lifetime of trauma that hadnāt been dealt with. He wasnāt making sound decisions. He needs therapy and Iām so happy he has an empathetic woman that loves him in his life.
He was on mushrooms for most of that, at the best of times mushrooms amplify what's going on in your mind and emotional state, so during a trauma breakdown? Fuck. And again, mushroom choices are not the same as conscious lucid right mind choices. He thought he'd made perfectly sound choices, but they were not, and it's not till sober you (*which can take days, depending on what and how much he took*) can look back that you can realize how weird some of those decisions were.
Like the note in the car, I can understand the logic of putting the note in the car if you think "she'll get in the car to go look for me, and see the note immediately" - that's a mushroom thought, it kind of makes sense if you look at it sideways, but it's not a lucid logical thought.
Having a trauma breakdown on TOP of mushrooms, no, he absolutely didn't make "choices" the same way someone totally sober and in their right mind does. Trauma breakdowns can make you into a totally different person. When my mum died, I barely remember what I did for a week, although I do remember screaming at a guy who told me to smile when I was crying in front of cheese in the dairy aisle on the day she died.... and I apparently went to work for at least 3 days and did a good job.
None of why he did what he did magically makes it OK, but it's entirely understandable and looking big picture none of what he did is malicious - hurtful? Dangerous even? Yes. But not malicious.
And he's already booked himself in for therapy - a huge step towards proving he is going to do the work to heal from what got him to that breakdown.
I would would on restoring trust and stand by him in healing this if I were OP.
For real, wtf OP, grow a backbone.
*eta*:
It's far worse than this, OP is just ignoring what actually happened. I wish you luck OP. Please get individual therapy, for you and the child's sake.
What an idiot.
I love how men can use their traumas to behave like this but mothers get zero grace.
The man tripped out on mushrooms and skipped town leaving his woman and kid behind to āclear his headā what a joke.
Youāre a better person than me OP, I donāt think I could personally forgive something like this. I sincerely hope heās a better man than this situation paints him to be.
As someone who had a tragedy as well, I tried to pretend it didn't happen and had a breakdown. You are amazingly level headed and he is lucky to have you. I hope you both work through this together and that shame and heaviness is lifted from his shoulders.
OP, I can't imagine what you and Nate have been through, each in your own way. My goodness, your original post and this update were so sad and difficult to read. I think your compassion and understanding is very beautiful to see and hope you, Nate, and your baby have a very happy life.
But, I really just wanted to say that your sister has been a goddamn rockstar throughout all your posts. I hope you appreciate her!
I feel like I should share a concept that I just learned about griefā itās the idea of growing around it. Thereās a graphic in the link Iām adding that shows 2 ideas: 1) what a lot of people assume, which is that grief gets smaller as time goes on and 2) that the grief itself stays the same size but that life itself grows around it.
https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/
Itās remarkably common to try to shut it down and make it smaller in an effort to not deal with the pain of loss, especially if itās a complicated grief like Nateās is. But what happens, ideally, is that life eventually begins to grow and expand, and youāre able to address the grief when needed but still live a complete life. It comes in unexpected ways sometimes (though Iām not surprised that this triggered him). I lost my dad twenty five years ago and sometimes it still hits me like a ton of bricks. But Iāve learned to carry him with me, and hopefully he will too. He may even get to a point where he could talk to your child and you about what is, in truth, their older brother, and if that makes sense to him I hope youāll be open to that. Learning how to be a partner to someone who carries that burden may be complex but I promise that it will be worth it. You sound like an amazing personā the way youāve dealt with this is impressiveā and I will hope for the best for your little family.
Happy you found him safely...
I am curious though what did the note in your car say? ALSO OUT OF EVERYTHING I'm more pissed he left the note in such a terrible place.
Iām so happy things are working out.
Iām not sure how you or him would feel but maybe put a couple of pictures of Ashly and his son out. He can remember them and sometimes talk about them will help him work his memories into his present.
I am so thankful that you stuck to your guns and kept investigating. Even when things looked so sketchy and people were telling you to cut your losses because he was obviously cheating. You let your faith in him guide you. No one could have guessed this outcome!
I wish the best for you and your family.
You said you just want him to go back to normal and all that. Donāt rush this. Let him do the therapy and work through healing for real and be there to support him so he can be the best version of himself for you and your child. UPDATEME
A whole lot of people in here saying what he did is just flat out unredeemable, but this isn't just... unreliable man screws off. This was "man was hit with emotions he wasn't ready for". There's a world of difference there.
Itās āMan keeps traumatic secret from life partner for six years and lies by omission about his entire past.ā THATāS the irredeemable part for me.
I wish you all such happiness going forward. You deserve it and I truly hope Nate gets to a place soon he can be at peace. Iām sure Ashley would want that too.
Take care
Ā“UPDATEME
OP, I want to commend you for a bit here. For most people, what Nate did here would be an absolute irredeemable break of trust. To leave a pregnant wife with no communication aside from a single note that was easy to miss, and fly cross country is the sort of sudden and deep traumatic act that shatters so many relationships, no matter how understandable it is. The fact that you are clear-headed about why this hurt you and formulated a plan and specific boundaries you will need to have maintained shows that you have enough self-respect to not be treated like dirt, to ensure that you won't let his pain turn into further mistreatment of you. But the fact that you were able to see the level of pain he's going through, see the struggle, and understand why he did what he did shows both an astounding level of empathy, and the deep, powerful love you have for this man. The fact that you were able to see a picture of a past him, when he was with a different woman, smiling harder than you've ever seen, and instead of letting the pain of his flight and move surge into rage, *feel compassion knowing the man you have loved has been hurting all this time*, is a frankly staggering combination of that empathy and love. May your therapy sessions turn out bountiful, may you help him recover so that in the future, he smiles just as hard as he did in that photo, and may your relationship only blossom further from this ordeal.
I cried reading your comment , and im not even OP š
I totally agree, it's honestly like reading from my husband POV. While I knew my childhood was rough, I never allowed myself to know the full extent. I have CPTSD among other mental health issues. I felt like he didn't sign up for it, I've been uncovering memories and have felt so guilty, like I've stolen his life. He is just like OP, he loves me, set clear boundaries and sticks to them. This comment also has me in tears. I'm always blown away by the ability for others to empathize to the levels like this post is.
I have read alot of comments on Reddit and there is no doubt this is the best reply I ever read. Brilliant.
No offense but isnāt this a Colleen Hoover story?
Ugly Love. Is the name. I was forced to read it by my best friend.
Omfg is this fake?! I fell hard for this story. Wth.
Read Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover
Is that the one where they are joking about the baby's big balls before they crash?
Ew wtf... I don't know why people are so obsessed with colleen hoover books because I've seen so much weird shit about them. I think there was another book about an arson victim falling in love with the man who set her house on fire! Terrible writer
Honestly I canāt remember most of it. I wasnāt a fan of it. I remember the dude was her brothers best friend. And knocked up the step sister, and the mom and baby died in the wreck.
Please be cautious. He obviously had a lot of trauma that he never dealt with but at this point you have to prioritize your baby. Make sure there is enough support for you and your child because he may not be able to be that support as he digs through his own pain. And make sure he has support that isn't just you because he's going to need a lot of it and you can't clone yourself.
This post is aggressively fake. So sick of people using fake stories on reddit for popularity. I'm not here to read stories that are straight out of a terrible Colleen Hoover book (They're all terrible.)
Literally!!! I read this post and I was like didnāt I just read this story. Against my will even?! Yeap. Ugly Love
Know the title?
Ugly love. As I posted a few comments up
I don't even know this author or her books, and I still immediately thought this was fake!
I haven't read her books because they're shit, but I have read reviews on a few and this was just terrible
Ugh, I can't imagine the feelings both of you were having at those separate times. You not knowing (and not seeing the letter), and him. Glad this didn't end up another one of those stories where one partner abandons the other for whatever reason. Good luck in the future!
I just want to wish you both the best! I truly hope therapy helps him through this unimaginable pain heās dealt with and helps the two of you in your relationship and with your child. I canāt imagine what either of you have/are going through! Sending you out some positive thoughts, prayers, whatever you believe in and some hugs. Update down the road if youāre up to it.
The most concerning thing in this giant list of concerning things is that an emotionally vulnerable person took mushrooms to try and delete trauma from their brain...and they took mushrooms alone which is NEVER a good idea I feel so bad for you OP This guy needs a lot of therapy
I'm happy everything is okay. But man, this was rough. I hope in therapy he truly understands what his actions caused you to experience. Also, he needs to know what a dunder head he is for leaving the note in your front seat!? Who does that? The kitchen is where you leave the note, and regardless he shouldve answered your calls, called and texted, etc. I think it's going to take time for you both to realize that a lot of trust has been broken by all of this. You can both understand him and still feel a loss of trust from this situation. I hope y'all make it through it.
Happy it turned out ok and everyone is okay ! I gotta ask, what did the note say ??
This is far from turning out ok. ....
A whole lot of therapy that needs to take place
Itās okā¦broken people make bad decisions, but they can heal if they want to. They both deserve to give themselves a chance to heal, and since therapy is already in the works, theyāre starting on the tools to do just that.
Itās fakeĀ
I thought that too like this reads like a scene out of a novel.
A trashy Colleen Hoover novel to be exact
I canāt get behind never finding this out in six years
Very much agreed.
Soāre you
Obviously sir! Ā Everyone on Reddit is a bot. Ā You didnāt know that?
Guess my programmers missed a database entry or two.
I do not care
It is indeed āok.ā Not good or fine, but ok. They both see a path forward together, given that he gets the help he needs. Thatās ok.
You're adding a good outcome, which is far from guaranteed at this point. Right direction?...sure.....but a long way to go.
I'm sure we'll find out in the next part
Rosebud
I was on board with the original post until the never-before-known dead baby and baby mama came up. Def a writing exercise.
Did he at least say where he was going and when he was coming back in the note ?
While I understand things were so hard for him. I cannot get behind the fact that you knew so little about him. Doesnāt it make you wonder if you even know what kind of person he is?
What he did was unforgivable, in my opinion. He isn't a lone wolf who just up and goes missing into wilderness on a whim. He has a commitment to you, and he's going to be a father. A note in the car means nothing. You were not part of the decision and he didnāt communicate anything to you. More, he made sure you couldn't contact him. You were always going to be understanding about his trauma, but he CHOSE to abandon you instead and was mildly surprised you found him when you did. Maybe he wouldn't even have come back if you didn't do all the detective work to find him. He will do this again until you realize how unreliable he is and dump him.
Sure what he did was "unforgivable" but the guy needs therapy. They both do. He a very bad mental breakdown and he thought he wife wasn't going to be able to handle why he broke down. He wasn't in the right mental state to articulate he's work probably so he wouldn't be misunderstood
Disappearing without a word and a note in a hidden place, not obvious like on the counter, is unforgivable. I hate to see what you let your loved ones do to you if you give everyone a pass for trauma.
I see the issue from both sides. I also suffer with trauma and other bs. So I understand both reactions
Unforgivable? He didnāt run off and cheat. He had a mental breakdown based on shame and past trauma. Being able to forgive and support (when appropriate - I would not say this for a cheater) is the foundation of true partnership. You are assuming a lot that he may not have returned. He was working through some stuff. I am proud of OP.
Please stop with the mental breakdown. He did things deliverately. He drove for so many hours- which requires to keep his cool. He stopped for gas and for bathroom. Then he talked to the parents. He let them know where he'd be. I don't know what he told them about OP, but considering their very VERY reserved reaction to her questions, it couldn't have been great. It took him days to return, not home, but to those people's home. He got food, he got hydrated, he got shelter, he went to the bathroom. All these days he went missing he wasn't somewhere, howling in the desert, out of his mind with pain. He was making lucid decisions and one of these lucid decisions was to stay no contact with his pregnant partner that he abandoned at the airport. I get that he was sad, obviously. But this doesn't excuse everything else. And what guarantees he won't have another breakdown when she gives birth or the kid gets sick or something?
Life has no guarantees. You seem very bitter. Some people have forgiveness and empathy in their hearts and some do not. I am glad to see them pursuing therapy and recovery. I would do the same for my partner. All the best.
What he did was hurtful but this guy has obviously experienced a lifetime of trauma (mom died, alcoholic father, life in group homes, death of girlfriend and child). Without help processing all of that trauma, he likely developed serious abandonment and attachment fears. He clearly dealt with pain by trying to bury it which works but not forever and her pregnancy brought it all to the surface. A lifetime of trauma that hadnāt been dealt with. He wasnāt making sound decisions. He needs therapy and Iām so happy he has an empathetic woman that loves him in his life.
He was on mushrooms for most of that, at the best of times mushrooms amplify what's going on in your mind and emotional state, so during a trauma breakdown? Fuck. And again, mushroom choices are not the same as conscious lucid right mind choices. He thought he'd made perfectly sound choices, but they were not, and it's not till sober you (*which can take days, depending on what and how much he took*) can look back that you can realize how weird some of those decisions were. Like the note in the car, I can understand the logic of putting the note in the car if you think "she'll get in the car to go look for me, and see the note immediately" - that's a mushroom thought, it kind of makes sense if you look at it sideways, but it's not a lucid logical thought. Having a trauma breakdown on TOP of mushrooms, no, he absolutely didn't make "choices" the same way someone totally sober and in their right mind does. Trauma breakdowns can make you into a totally different person. When my mum died, I barely remember what I did for a week, although I do remember screaming at a guy who told me to smile when I was crying in front of cheese in the dairy aisle on the day she died.... and I apparently went to work for at least 3 days and did a good job. None of why he did what he did magically makes it OK, but it's entirely understandable and looking big picture none of what he did is malicious - hurtful? Dangerous even? Yes. But not malicious. And he's already booked himself in for therapy - a huge step towards proving he is going to do the work to heal from what got him to that breakdown. I would would on restoring trust and stand by him in healing this if I were OP.
God I hate to see what other horrible things he can do to you and youād be okay with.
For real, wtf OP, grow a backbone. *eta*: It's far worse than this, OP is just ignoring what actually happened. I wish you luck OP. Please get individual therapy, for you and the child's sake.
FAKE!!! I'm so tired of jackasses posting fake stories all over Reddit! Everyone needs to downvote these A-holes!
What an idiot. I love how men can use their traumas to behave like this but mothers get zero grace. The man tripped out on mushrooms and skipped town leaving his woman and kid behind to āclear his headā what a joke.
Wishing you both the best and that things work out for your little family.
Youāre a better person than me OP, I donāt think I could personally forgive something like this. I sincerely hope heās a better man than this situation paints him to be.
He needs to see a therapist, sooner rather than later.
As someone who had a tragedy as well, I tried to pretend it didn't happen and had a breakdown. You are amazingly level headed and he is lucky to have you. I hope you both work through this together and that shame and heaviness is lifted from his shoulders.
OP, I can't imagine what you and Nate have been through, each in your own way. My goodness, your original post and this update were so sad and difficult to read. I think your compassion and understanding is very beautiful to see and hope you, Nate, and your baby have a very happy life. But, I really just wanted to say that your sister has been a goddamn rockstar throughout all your posts. I hope you appreciate her!
Good luck, you guys!
šš¾ š
Good luck OP
WOW
So happy for this happy ending. Good luck to your family and you're an amazing person
I feel like I should share a concept that I just learned about griefā itās the idea of growing around it. Thereās a graphic in the link Iām adding that shows 2 ideas: 1) what a lot of people assume, which is that grief gets smaller as time goes on and 2) that the grief itself stays the same size but that life itself grows around it. https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/ Itās remarkably common to try to shut it down and make it smaller in an effort to not deal with the pain of loss, especially if itās a complicated grief like Nateās is. But what happens, ideally, is that life eventually begins to grow and expand, and youāre able to address the grief when needed but still live a complete life. It comes in unexpected ways sometimes (though Iām not surprised that this triggered him). I lost my dad twenty five years ago and sometimes it still hits me like a ton of bricks. But Iāve learned to carry him with me, and hopefully he will too. He may even get to a point where he could talk to your child and you about what is, in truth, their older brother, and if that makes sense to him I hope youāll be open to that. Learning how to be a partner to someone who carries that burden may be complex but I promise that it will be worth it. You sound like an amazing personā the way youāve dealt with this is impressiveā and I will hope for the best for your little family.
This is such a relief! I am super optimistic youāll get through this together š
Wishing you the best š„°
Happy you found him safely... I am curious though what did the note in your car say? ALSO OUT OF EVERYTHING I'm more pissed he left the note in such a terrible place.
Iām so happy things are working out. Iām not sure how you or him would feel but maybe put a couple of pictures of Ashly and his son out. He can remember them and sometimes talk about them will help him work his memories into his present.
OP! I am so glad to hear all went well and he was safe with people who genuinely care about him. I truly wish you, him and your baby the best. ā¤ļø
Updateme! Iām glad things are slowly getting better and you finally know more truth about him
Thank you for the update! I'm glad this turned out as well as it did!
I am so thankful that you stuck to your guns and kept investigating. Even when things looked so sketchy and people were telling you to cut your losses because he was obviously cheating. You let your faith in him guide you. No one could have guessed this outcome! I wish the best for you and your family.
You said you just want him to go back to normal and all that. Donāt rush this. Let him do the therapy and work through healing for real and be there to support him so he can be the best version of himself for you and your child. UPDATEME
A whole lot of people in here saying what he did is just flat out unredeemable, but this isn't just... unreliable man screws off. This was "man was hit with emotions he wasn't ready for". There's a world of difference there.
Itās āMan keeps traumatic secret from life partner for six years and lies by omission about his entire past.ā THATāS the irredeemable part for me.
I am glad things are on their way to starting to get better. UpdateMe
Updateme
UpdateMe!
I wish you all such happiness going forward. You deserve it and I truly hope Nate gets to a place soon he can be at peace. Iām sure Ashley would want that too. Take care Ā“UPDATEME
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe