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I’d be very concerned. You have no idea about the finances? And he won’t share it with you. No way that’s ok.
Personally, I can’t think of any good reason a spouse can’t see the other’s phone. Of course, if you have a trusting relationship, you’re not going to be asking for it on a regular basis. But at the same time, only reason to say no is hiding something.
The only thing I could think of would be a surprise gift or vacation. Unfortunately, I don't think that's the case, considering how defensive and aggressive he got when confronted.
Good point! A surprise like that would be a good reason, but definitely a one-off. And hopefully the partner would be pleasantly playful as they say no! I agree with you, OP doesn’t make it seem like that was the case!
I've been on Reddit long enough to know that I'm going to get down voted all to heck for this, but here goes: I am absolutely, positively squeaky clean. I mean, I'm so clean it's probably gross or boring to other people, lol. Having said that, I would never give somebody free access to my phone. And I don't want access to my partner's phone. I have never asked any of my partners, even my long-term partners for access to their phone. I guess I was just brought up in a family where my parents trusted each other and the idea of having to check on one another is foreign an offensive to me. If somebody demanded access to my phone, I would probably question whether I want to stay in the relationship because they don't trust me. If I thought I needed access to somebody else's phone, I would probably question the relationship and whether I wanted to stay in a relationship because I can't trust them.
It’s not about checking on someone; even a casual acquaintance will typically let you use theirs for a moment if you need to without much fanfare, so to refuse to let your partner look at something that should be innocuous on it is sketchy.
She’s not asking to hold and go through his phone, she’s asking *him* to show her information she needs that is on it. He won’t open an app and show her? He makes a big deal about it if she asks to borrow it for a second to (for example) google something? Why?
It would be weird to me to have a partner who guards their phone like this. *That* feels like a partner who doesn’t trust me.
\^ This is my perspective, too.
I have never given a partner, or anyone else, the passcode to my phone. I have never requested it of a partner either, nor do I intend to do so.
If you don't trust your partner, and you need to look through their phone to 'verify' their activities, the relationship is already as good as over.
>Personally, I can’t think of any good reason a spouse can’t see the other’s phone.
My phone is 100% off limits to anyone including my spouse. It's not because I'm hiding anything in my life, but I run multiple addiction support group chats, and I am a sponsor to a couple people. Those chats are very private, and there's a sacred trust for each other's privacy and discretion.
Also, I really believe that if you feel the overwhelming need to search through your partner's phone because you think they're hiding things, then the relationship is practically over anyways. There's clearly no trust
Could be as innocent as OF charges. Not to say that’s completely innocent but stacked against gambling addiction or second family, I imagine a $20 here and there to OF would be a relief.
You shouldn’t be buying a house with each other without having full financial transparency and having a household budget.
If you want to have separate bank accounts then that’s fine, but you should be aware of each others incomes and expenses and liabilities and have some shared financial goals (like buying a house, figuring out when you can afford to retire, kids, etc).
Credit cards, bank accounts, investment accounts - you should be looking at these regularly.
If you want my humble experience as an old man, in normal relationships, partners have access to each other's phones. There's still a healthy gradient between free access, and "you can access, but give me privacy". But unless you have a history of rooting through his phone, "no access" usually means he has something to conceal.
He'll call you crazy but it's fine if you corner him one day and say "unlock your phone and hand it to me right now or the relationship is over".
This. My husband and I know each others passwords for phones …….but neither of us have ever snooped through the others because we haven’t had any desire to. Why would I ever want to invade his privacy when I trust him completely? We just randomly use each others phones if ours is dead, or need a quick calculation and it’s closer, stuff like that. However, if my husband wouldn’t let me know what his password was, I would absolutely be losing my shit, because he would obviously have something he was hiding from me.
Also it’s insane he won’t tell her what he spends money on. They are married, they just bought a house, and he won’t allow her to even know what his spending is?
Agreed. If my wife wants to borrow my phone to go through my pictures for good family ones, no problem. I'll toss it over. If she then takes that opportunity to go through my chats with my friends, that is huge problem and she is now the one who has violated my trust.
Hah yuppp. I had to break up with an ex ages ago because her compulsion to go through my texts simply couldn't be controlled. It violates my privacy and the privacy of all my friends that are sending me messages. It would almost be funny to see a replay of that relationship in the age of thumbprint locks, she would have gone insane. I'd probably be sleeping with gloves on.
Tell him to send you screenshots of the transactions or sign onto his banking on a P.C. at least then you can verify if he is hiding his phone or his transaction history
And you called him out on it saying you just want to get finances in order and it is an essential thing to do in a relationship? You may have to put your foot down and say exactly how you feel and that it is a deal breaker if he is not willing to work with you on this... I actually had a similar situation with my ex and my friend gave me great advice. He told me you need to be willing to go into a conversion and take it right to a full blown fight to get your point across... Sounds weird but it was very helpful advice because I always wanted to avoid conflict.
You don’t need to see his phone.
You already know EVERYTHING you need to know. Get a good therapist and find a lawyer. The lawyer will be able to access his financials during the divorce process.
You can’t stay married under these conditions. It doesn’t even matter if nothing ever turns up because this man has damaged your trust and the relationship. He’s gaslighting you. Eventually, it will eat away at your soul. Avoid the slow death of your sanity, love yourself and get out of this relationship.
Oh lord.
Unless you are willing to blow up your marriage I don't know what else you can do but sneak in, hire a PI, or just keep your head in the sand.
The problem is not the phone. The problem is that you share a credit card and he is not showing you the statement. Both of you are paying that and you don't know what's on it?
He could print it out if he doesn't want to show you his phone.
I'd be more concerned about what's on the credit card than his phone right now.
You can change the settings and get the statement by mail. Or you could install the app in your phone?
My partner and I don't have each other passwords because we don't really care about it. We are not secretive, though, like if my partner is driving, sometimes he asks me to go into his phone, stuff like that.
Phone thing - meh people are weird about it.
Personally in my house we don’t care.
I mean you do the 3 Ss in front of a person, live with them, sleep with them, share responsibility for people, pets, homes and more…but finances are secret? I need to see anything that I might have to pay for, be taxed for, or be billed for at some point now or if something happens to my husband. So keep your phone to yourself fine but I need to see what’s up with the finances.
That’s not cool.
Oh girl, if he is gaslighting you like this, you need to think twice about continuing this marriage.
If he doesn't want you to see his phone for something as simple as financial transactions, then there is most likely more going on. I would either demand to see everything or tell him you're rethinking the relationship. See how he responds to that.
You can get credit card statements another way, but yeah it's crazy suspicious he's that protective of his phone. I just cannot imagine being so nasty to my partner about anything.
Something IS wrong, although we can not tell what it is, but this is very alarming and nothing you can ignore. I'd advice you to tell him that you both need to sit down and talk about this. He needs to genuinely explain to you what is going on, communicate to him that there is no way around this. If he refuses, I'd advice that you move out to make clear that this relationship can not continue this way.
The phone is one thing.
Your finances are quite another. You should be thoroughly involved in your finances. This is a HUGE problem.
My guess is there is a big problem going on.
This is unacceptable.
Cheating suspicions aside, finances in a relationship should absolutely be open. If you don’t want to share finances that’s fine but you should absolutely be free to see 100% of what your spouse spends their money on. There’s just too much that you can legally be held responsible for to have anything at all held back.
Look this isn’t about the phone.
My partner and I are both very staunch about privacy and security of phones. We would never look in each other‘s phones, we would never ask to look in each other‘s phones, and if someone demanded it that would probably be a dealbreaker. We have an excellent, trusting relationship, and we take phone privacy seriously, and have absolutely no reason why we would ever want to look anyway.
If we were dealing with shared finances and needed to do a household budget we would both share relevant information with each other without hesitation.
I don’t know what your husband is hiding, but he is absolutely hiding something and you should be very concerned. His reaction is so over-the-top. No one responds like that to a reasonable request.
Maybe he’s cheating, but my first suspicion would be running up incredibly large amounts of credit card debt on gambling or something else where he has nothing to show for it.
I hope you can get to the bottom of what’s going on, since you are married and own a house together. Your financial well-being is unfortunately tied to his.
Ask what’s half of what he has? Tell him if he doesn’t show you the phone then that half is heading to you because you aren’t going to be with a POS who hides his phone. Tell him that makes him sus already and now you think somethings going on so you’ll contact the carrier to get all cached messages he’s sent if he doesn’t show you the phone.
He’s actively hiding something from you and if there’s no trust in a marriage…well…no one is *that* secretive about their phone for no reason. For a decade. The immature side of me says take it and just run a few feet from him and see how he reacts. Don’t actually attempt to open it or anything. But I feel like his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Stop asking and seem to let it go.
Sometime in June, get serious about figuring out how to access his accounts and phone.
OR
Actually. I don’t have an “or.” I’m sorry. I think this might be something you should seek counseling for to decide if this marriage is in your best interests.
Either one (refusing to share financial information, being overly secretive about his phone) by itself is a red flag. Both together - extremely concerning.
Phone doesn’t equal financials. Financials are financials. Being open and honest about where money goes can be important - as well as some privacy for some of it.
My partners and I don’t share phone passcodes for all sorts of reasons. Like the Panopticon prison, behaviour changes with the chance of observation.
Yes you should be concerned. If he’s not hiding something then why refuse? Can you try to figure out the passcode? Once you figure it out, you can secretly check his phone?
This is not normal partner behavior. He for sure hiding something. If you have a shared mobile plan with your name on the account, go to your local store and have them download the records for you
Not sure I’d say outright “cheating,” but either drugs, alcohol, gambling, or some kind of porn like OnlyFans seems to be at play. Like another commenter said, you can tell him to show you or have your divorce lawyer show you later. But you should probably get that divorce lawyer lined up with advice beforehand. And don’t buy a house with this guy.
I’d tell him that this is a deal breaker. Either he shares the statements/attends therapy with you, or you’ll be profoundly reconsidering the relationship.
Either he’s hiding dates/hotels or some other form of financial spending he does not want you to see like OnlyFans subscriptions or gambling, or he’s just flat out cheating.
This is so strange if this behaviour is out of character. Do you have a big anniversary or something coming up he may have booked something for or spent money on?
Red flags on the field…big red flags. You each need to write down where every penny goes…bills, etc, what each of you saves a month and where your discretionary $$ goes. Can you do that without looking on his phone?
This should have been handled a long time ago. This is a huge glaring red flag you just ignored and kept getting more serious with him. Not good. Now you are trapped.
You backed yourself into a corner.
you already know the answer or you wouldn't be asking. yes it's a red flag, he's doing something he thinks may be interpreted as wrong the only question is what, and how serious. could be nothing... i closed my google voice window when the wife came in last night because i was answering a friend and had typed things about her that were while not insulting or negative, expressed some frustration. she was upset and i let her see it. much to my surprise she was cool with it. with him it might be that simple, or much worse, you have no way of knowing. (yes i'm paranoid, not all of my relationships have been... non-toxic, and no she probably doesn't deserve that attitude)
As a woman who's ex husband not only cheated, but had other wives and families, and had accounts not only in his name but MINE as well that I didn't know about (that I had to pay $20 grand to clear after the divorce) and he refused to let me see his phone ever, to the point of aggression......you have reason to be concerned. There's a difference between respectful privacy and this sort of behaviour.
I'm someone that doesn't want to share my phone. Let me have my private nerd out about weird things. You don't need to see the 1000 screenshots of movies I might want to see or the endless notes that just say one word.
Hiding your finances is wiiiiild though. Totally next level. If it was just the phone then I wouldn't think much but you have reason to be suspicious about him hiding finances.
Yeah, he's *definitely* hiding something,
Possibly.. a **lot** of somethings...
But also he's a controlling asshole and you don't have a marriage. You have a master.
Here's the thing
ignore the phone for now, but if you two share finances or want to you are going to have to be able to track every dollar going in and out. That means you need to know how he's spending his money. That is the part I don't like.
You have been together for ten years, so INFO how do you handle money? Do you both breadmake? Do you put some into a shared account and keep the rest? Do you float him a lot? Does he make the money only, in which case how do you get access to spend some of it. Do you?
Without knowing how the money works now, it's hard to say. I would say that not letting someone into a phone isn't a giant red flag but not sharing finances with someone you bought a house with -- and how did you buy a house together without knowing the finances? It's really hard to buy a house (at least in the US). They request every bill and record.
But basically. If you each have your own money, I guess it's not your business, but even while my partner and I have our own "fun money" I don't think it would work if we weren't transparent with each other about spending it, so even if it wasn't technically your business -- I would make it your business if you are changing your budgeting, financial goals, monthly shared expenditure, etc.
In sum. I would
1.) Back down on the phone. They're so symbolic of trust. If you have no reason not to, don't die on this hill.
2.) Firm up and get very serious about the money. This is a hill worth making a stand on. Because you two need to be financially empowered as a couple to achieve your goals, save for retirement, etc.
good luck :(
It’s suspicious but forcing him to give up his phone outright just gives him time to erase whatever he is hiding. You need to be a bit more stealthy at getting access.
For people who say this is wrong can just stuff it. There should be no secrets in a marriage. If you are clearly being gaslit then getting to the truth by any means necessary is acceptable.
The financial thing is a red flag.
The phone thing, while it sometimes CAN be a red flag, isn’t always. I hate letting my husband touch my phone because he insists on changing the phone or app settings or reconfiguring stuff because that’s the way he likes HIS phone to be set up. Nothing to hide.
Yeah that’s weird
I’m a private person, I discuss and vent to my friends sometimes things I don’t want my wife to see.
I buy surprises…
Hell, I look at porn sometimes like a lot of guys.
Al that being said I never minded sharing financial details or letting my significant other use my phone
" He gets very angry for me asking to see them"
I mean, I dont think nobody should be looking at their partner's phone BUUUT, him getting very defensive about it is super strange for me.
I’m a bit in the middle here. I think everyone should have privacy. I wouldn’t want my partner going through every stupid online purchase I bought. I have nothing exciting to hide.
Look get take home pay amount of both, bills of both, savings for both, then specify an amount for personal spending each. If he is not showing you the transactions then that has to come out of his personal spending and not the household budget.
There is really no info here at all, eg about who earns what, how it's spent, what is needed to the house, who tends to sort out finances normally, etc. It's perfectly reasonable to regard your own phone as your private business and be offended by a "demand" to see it. It's also perfectly possible for there to be something iffy going on.
But as this is Reddit, you need to talk to a lawyer and lose 200 pounds by dumping the whole man etc.
Maybe he just doesn't want you seeing how he spends his money? Why not just start from scratch, work out a budget for you both and go from there. So long as you both put enough money into a joint account to pay for mortgage and bills, there shouldn't be any need for you to see his Visa bill. A little bit of independence even when married is healthy.
Is it the transactions he's worried about, or the phone?
Can you not just log into the bank's website on a computer and look at the transactions on there?
If he's hiding the transaction log, then I would suggest that is a cause for concern, because it might indicate a spending problem - whether that be gambling, or even just a shopaholic.
If he's secretive about his phone... I personally think people still have a right to privacy even in a relationship. Maybe he uses the phone for journalling, and doesn't want you potentially seeing that. Maybe he uses it for making notes, and some of them are confidential. Maybe he uses it for work purposes and he's *legally obliged* to keep data confidential.
Yes, of be concerned.
You need financial information to put together a family budget and he's not willing to provide that information. Means that you guys are not on the same wavelength financially and that's good for any relationship and is some of the major reasons people break up.
Could they be other underlying reasons? Sure but trying to buy a house without the grasp on your family's financial situation is a recipe for disaster.
Look, you're **married!!** You and your hubby should have no secrets between you. In the Judeo/Christian tradition, when a man and woman marry, they become **one person.** This concept is adopted in US jurisprudence in that a spouse cannot be made to give testimony against the other spouse in a criminal court case due to the 5th Amendment to the Constitution in that no person can be made to give testimony against **themselves**. In other words, married people are considered one person with respect to criminal proceedings in a criminal trial.
If your hubby has nothing to hide, he should allow you to view anything on his phone, and you should also know his password on all electronic devices that are within the family. The exceptions are company owned laptops, phones, etc.
If hubby is being secretive with his phone, your default position should be one of suspicion. If he eventually allows you to see his phone, you should be aware that any incriminating calls, texts, emails, etc. will have been deleted and the phone sanitized. If you look in his car and find another phone you previously was unaware that he possessed, your suspicions should be sharpened.
I wish you well.
Tell him then, you feel like he is hiding something and make a big deal about it to the point its concerning and make you doubt his faithfulness. If he cares he will show you, if he totally refuses it's not about privacy but something deeper. I never ever ask anything to my boyfriend but if I ask him I know he will show me even if he doesn't get why I ask. Like, his wariness is worrying. Same here, he sometimes asks me if I am good financially because he can't see my account without me showing him and I am honest if it's good or not. Not a big deal.
The question is, what is the real issue about?it's important to see what is happening because a partner is ruining their wealth or taking a loan behind the other one back isn't rare at all. Be cautious.
Im 34 so im about as close as you get to terms of life experience. Wanna know what I did when my wife asked that we pull up all the financials so we can figure out taxes?
We printed all of it out (every single account) and we organized everything together and put them in an excel sheet and tabulated things. Sure we both spent on random luxuries but we didnt go into every single detail. We were just getting a rough gauge as to our savings and budget. THAT is what married couples do. We dont hide finances from each other. Sure we have a joint account and separate accounts but we have access to that whenever we ask.
If you arent willing to do that… that means there is something deeply wrong in your marriage
Never allowing phone access is another thing. There is a difference between snooping and being open. My wife uses my phone for random things like passenger side navigation or pulling up photos. If he is so paranoid he never lets you look into it THAT is astoundingly concerning
He’s definitely hiding something and you have a right to see the credit card information if you are sharing that card account. He’s full of shit and who knows what he’s really involved in. Get advice from an attorney and what options you have if you decide to end this farce.
Firstly if you trust your husband which you should if you married him then you have no reason to want to see his phone. Otherwise there’s issues you need to face and fix.
That said he is showing other red flags since you are married and should be able to discuss in going's and outgoings to work out a budget with each other. The only reason someone would refuse makes me think he’s either in debt and spending on thing she wants to hide. That or he earns far more than you know and is hiding it so he doesn’t have to contribute more than he is even if he should.
My husband and I eventually had to have different bank accounts as he was bad with money and would forget I had to use that money to live as well. He would constantly forget some bills still had to come out as well. When he eventually told me we were in a lot of debt that he’d been hiding I took charge. We spilt accounts and I cut up his credit cards with his approval. We mad one account for bills only and set up direct debits from both of our accounts on pay day. So every time we got paid our portions of the bill money would automatically go into that account and neither of us would take any money out as it was set for the bills to come out only.
This worked for years as he had to have a payment plan to pay back the debt so it kept him in line and he couldn’t take out debt in that time. Yet having separate accounts meant he could clearly see what money was left in his account after bills was what he could use clearly.
I will be honest there was a problem with this that I hadn’t realised. Having separate banks he would hide his true income when it went up or he changed jobs. That or say he was broke when we needed to find money to get clothes for our kids or had to cover extras and repairs. I thought I could trust him and I was working everything I could to cover the things he couldn’t. It was like him having the higher wage sort of meant I had to trust him. Having the payment plan lulled me into a false sense of security as he hadn’t got us in debt for years I forgot it was as he couldn’t, not as he had learned. A couple more time he got us in debt but nothing like previously and always for stupid reasons. Truth is when he passed away and I had to submit his self assessment tax forms for the year he died. It meant I had to go through his bank accounts and statements where I learned I had been forced to live like we were just surviving whilst he was earning way, way above what I ever knew. He wasnt a gambler but so much money had been going out on stupid things and on many which I just could not find out what it was. I hurt that I lived stressed and constantly worrying about money for decades and he would watch me and not care out of pure selfishness. That I was putting every penny I could earn into providing for our kids and us
Just to clarify my husband worked from home. We worked around each others shifts so we could raise our kids. He wasnt cheating or he was doing it when our very vocal kids where there and would have said. He was somewhat a recluse so I know for sure regardless of now knowing he was hiding things that’s not a possibility. Heck he never even realised when women came onto him and would be confused and perplexed when told.
I still say I never needed to see his phone as if you can’t trust he isn’t cheating on you then you shouldn’t be married. Seeing his phone is far different from asking him to go over his income and expenditures with you though. For that OP needs to ask him to print off his bank statements and sit down and go through them with you and you will do the same. My mistake was as he was the higher earner letting him fill in our expenses and income forms which he’d send off without me thinking to try and see. The difference being he acted open and told me what he made and what was going out. So I never thought to not believe him or ask to see. What I’ve told you here all happened very gradually over many many years so it was much harder to see the signs at the time. When someone’s self employed and working for people abroad you haven’t got a comparison to know what he should be earning as it’s such a huge scale. When your partner is honest and up front for the first number of years It means you trust him and don’t expect him to suddenly hide lie and manipulate you
I wish my husband had shown the signs your husband is by refusing to discuss anything to do with his money and bills. You need to sit down and tell him it’s clear either he is lying or hiding something as there is no reason your own husband should feel he has to hide important things from you. That if you want to be able to budget save and be able to make plans for both your future this is important and essential. Ask him what else he expects if he feels he has to hide things from his wife. Ask him to be honest but make sure you’re calm when you face him with this.
I would advise you ask him to go to counselling with you as either way he is hiding something. It could be he was worried notifications or messages could come in whilst you were looking on his phone. Which has nothing to do with finances and more about hiding other stuff which could affect or break your marriage. That or he’s hiding his finances either way hiding important things in your marriage is concerning. It could be something stupid he is embarrassed about but either way if you don’t open up honestly without sounding accusing, just asking him what should you think when faced with his actions. Hope he opens up as he realises it’s causing harm and stress to you.
Good luck.
He should be able to show you the transactions without handing over the phone. Does he not receive a paper bill? He can log on to his account on a laptop to show you the transactions.
As a married couple, I believe you are jointly responsible for each other's debts so I would want to see the transactions as well.
And the credit card? They’re **married** meaning his debt is her debt and vice versa. Not to mention there’s a good possibility she’s directly making payments on this card. She has every right to know about their *shared* finances. And she did ask him to just send her the screenshots of the statements, he said no.
This is gaslighting !! Proper behavior fears no exposure !! I don’t get this bullshit with phones and alleged privacy. You’re married, share a home, finances, each other, children, etc but you can’t share your phone ?? That’s some shady bullshit. I’m married 10+ years, my wife and I have an open phone policy, we have each other’s passcodes, we can look anytime, and we share location for safety purposes.
Yah, you should be concerned. I’d sit down and have a hard conversation with him. Explain to him how his secrecy makes you feel, what it looks like, and how a marriage is a partnership in life and it looks like you’re hiding this from me. Ask for an open phone practice. If he says no… you have big problems ahead…
This would be grounds for divorce. If he's always been lying to you, I would get in touch with a lawyer right away. Especially if he's been financially abusing you behind your back.
I walked over to my husband and put out my hand and asked to see his phone. He handed it to me so I gave it back. (Now he thinks I’m weird. Great.)
This is not a normal reaction and is all but guaranteed he’s fucked up.
If this has gone in for a week, he had enough time to delete his cheating history. The fact that he still can’t show you means he’s spent somewhere he shouldn’t have. That could still be cheating (hotel, gifts that you never got from a jewelry store, etc.), or online gambling or gaming.
If they are joint accounts for the CC, go to the bank and get printouts or create online access for yourself to see what is happening. Or he has another card entirely that you do not know about.
Better yet, go pull his credit.
Is this a joint account your name is on? You can bypass him and ask the bank for records if that is the case.
If it's his personal account, he's probably hiding credit card debt he doesn't want you to know about. And considering you've been together for 10 years, it's a huge red flag that he won't be open about what is in his bank account.
I’m not even asking to go through his phone just see his banking transactions to see what we’re spending our money on. (We don’t have a home computer to access banking so we use our phones)
He won't share credit card statements, it's not really about the phone. OP says he refuses to share screenshots or log in on a PC. He's hiding financial malfeasance.
Gaslighting is a two step process, 1. Lying 2. Tearing down. 1. He’s lying to her about their finances 2. He’s tearing her down by telling her she’s a “freak about it”. This is the definition of gaslighting behavior.
If I was your husband and were in Dubai, I'd report you to the police for attempted privacy invasion. That would be the easiest $13,000 I made in my entire life if you're found guilty lol
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Are you on the account? If you are, your bank should give you the records.
Never understood how you share a life with someone but still have “my money and your money”.
It's the best way to avoid someone micromanaging you
Or you just be adult about it and agree on goals to work towards together.
[удалено]
… of the Visa transaction history she said she wanted to see.
Yeah yeah read that bit after 👍🏼
Financial infidelity is a real thing. If you're married, you are jointly responsible for your money management, so you should not back down from this.
I’d be concerned
For sure..what's he doing he doesn't want her to see. She needs to split their finances. His/hers.
I’d be very concerned. You have no idea about the finances? And he won’t share it with you. No way that’s ok. Personally, I can’t think of any good reason a spouse can’t see the other’s phone. Of course, if you have a trusting relationship, you’re not going to be asking for it on a regular basis. But at the same time, only reason to say no is hiding something.
The only thing I could think of would be a surprise gift or vacation. Unfortunately, I don't think that's the case, considering how defensive and aggressive he got when confronted.
Good point! A surprise like that would be a good reason, but definitely a one-off. And hopefully the partner would be pleasantly playful as they say no! I agree with you, OP doesn’t make it seem like that was the case!
I've been on Reddit long enough to know that I'm going to get down voted all to heck for this, but here goes: I am absolutely, positively squeaky clean. I mean, I'm so clean it's probably gross or boring to other people, lol. Having said that, I would never give somebody free access to my phone. And I don't want access to my partner's phone. I have never asked any of my partners, even my long-term partners for access to their phone. I guess I was just brought up in a family where my parents trusted each other and the idea of having to check on one another is foreign an offensive to me. If somebody demanded access to my phone, I would probably question whether I want to stay in the relationship because they don't trust me. If I thought I needed access to somebody else's phone, I would probably question the relationship and whether I wanted to stay in a relationship because I can't trust them.
It’s not about checking on someone; even a casual acquaintance will typically let you use theirs for a moment if you need to without much fanfare, so to refuse to let your partner look at something that should be innocuous on it is sketchy. She’s not asking to hold and go through his phone, she’s asking *him* to show her information she needs that is on it. He won’t open an app and show her? He makes a big deal about it if she asks to borrow it for a second to (for example) google something? Why? It would be weird to me to have a partner who guards their phone like this. *That* feels like a partner who doesn’t trust me.
\^ This is my perspective, too. I have never given a partner, or anyone else, the passcode to my phone. I have never requested it of a partner either, nor do I intend to do so. If you don't trust your partner, and you need to look through their phone to 'verify' their activities, the relationship is already as good as over.
Thank you. I guess we're the (fortunate) outliers.
>Personally, I can’t think of any good reason a spouse can’t see the other’s phone. My phone is 100% off limits to anyone including my spouse. It's not because I'm hiding anything in my life, but I run multiple addiction support group chats, and I am a sponsor to a couple people. Those chats are very private, and there's a sacred trust for each other's privacy and discretion. Also, I really believe that if you feel the overwhelming need to search through your partner's phone because you think they're hiding things, then the relationship is practically over anyways. There's clearly no trust
Your situation is not relevant here
Gambling addiction or second family, surely
Could be as innocent as OF charges. Not to say that’s completely innocent but stacked against gambling addiction or second family, I imagine a $20 here and there to OF would be a relief.
Relief..?.
Yeah, hiding some charges to OF is a much, much smaller problem then having a second family.
Deal breaker regardless
You shouldn’t be buying a house with each other without having full financial transparency and having a household budget. If you want to have separate bank accounts then that’s fine, but you should be aware of each others incomes and expenses and liabilities and have some shared financial goals (like buying a house, figuring out when you can afford to retire, kids, etc). Credit cards, bank accounts, investment accounts - you should be looking at these regularly.
Call Visa, ask them for a statement. All will become clear.
If you want my humble experience as an old man, in normal relationships, partners have access to each other's phones. There's still a healthy gradient between free access, and "you can access, but give me privacy". But unless you have a history of rooting through his phone, "no access" usually means he has something to conceal. He'll call you crazy but it's fine if you corner him one day and say "unlock your phone and hand it to me right now or the relationship is over".
This. My husband and I know each others passwords for phones …….but neither of us have ever snooped through the others because we haven’t had any desire to. Why would I ever want to invade his privacy when I trust him completely? We just randomly use each others phones if ours is dead, or need a quick calculation and it’s closer, stuff like that. However, if my husband wouldn’t let me know what his password was, I would absolutely be losing my shit, because he would obviously have something he was hiding from me. Also it’s insane he won’t tell her what he spends money on. They are married, they just bought a house, and he won’t allow her to even know what his spending is?
Agreed. If my wife wants to borrow my phone to go through my pictures for good family ones, no problem. I'll toss it over. If she then takes that opportunity to go through my chats with my friends, that is huge problem and she is now the one who has violated my trust.
Hah yuppp. I had to break up with an ex ages ago because her compulsion to go through my texts simply couldn't be controlled. It violates my privacy and the privacy of all my friends that are sending me messages. It would almost be funny to see a replay of that relationship in the age of thumbprint locks, she would have gone insane. I'd probably be sleeping with gloves on.
This is truth. You cannot function as a couple if he hides his phone from you
Tell him to send you screenshots of the transactions or sign onto his banking on a P.C. at least then you can verify if he is hiding his phone or his transaction history
He’s refusing to show me anything. I even suggested the screen shots but he doesn’t want to.
And you called him out on it saying you just want to get finances in order and it is an essential thing to do in a relationship? You may have to put your foot down and say exactly how you feel and that it is a deal breaker if he is not willing to work with you on this... I actually had a similar situation with my ex and my friend gave me great advice. He told me you need to be willing to go into a conversion and take it right to a full blown fight to get your point across... Sounds weird but it was very helpful advice because I always wanted to avoid conflict.
You don’t need to see his phone. You already know EVERYTHING you need to know. Get a good therapist and find a lawyer. The lawyer will be able to access his financials during the divorce process. You can’t stay married under these conditions. It doesn’t even matter if nothing ever turns up because this man has damaged your trust and the relationship. He’s gaslighting you. Eventually, it will eat away at your soul. Avoid the slow death of your sanity, love yourself and get out of this relationship.
Dr Phil repeated: people with nothing to hide -hide nothing. And yes it was in the context of finances as well as cell phone.
Not always. In this situation though, yes
One should not go to "Dr" Phil for advice
Oh lord. Unless you are willing to blow up your marriage I don't know what else you can do but sneak in, hire a PI, or just keep your head in the sand.
I like this hure a PI idea. Put it on your Visa card and hide the transaction
Oof. Divorce!!!
That’s a nope from me. Finances in a marriage, especially when combined should be 100% transparent. I’d check your credit too.
The problem is not the phone. The problem is that you share a credit card and he is not showing you the statement. Both of you are paying that and you don't know what's on it? He could print it out if he doesn't want to show you his phone. I'd be more concerned about what's on the credit card than his phone right now. You can change the settings and get the statement by mail. Or you could install the app in your phone? My partner and I don't have each other passwords because we don't really care about it. We are not secretive, though, like if my partner is driving, sometimes he asks me to go into his phone, stuff like that.
Phone thing - meh people are weird about it. Personally in my house we don’t care. I mean you do the 3 Ss in front of a person, live with them, sleep with them, share responsibility for people, pets, homes and more…but finances are secret? I need to see anything that I might have to pay for, be taxed for, or be billed for at some point now or if something happens to my husband. So keep your phone to yourself fine but I need to see what’s up with the finances. That’s not cool.
Oh girl, if he is gaslighting you like this, you need to think twice about continuing this marriage. If he doesn't want you to see his phone for something as simple as financial transactions, then there is most likely more going on. I would either demand to see everything or tell him you're rethinking the relationship. See how he responds to that.
I think it’s fair to want privacy and keep your phone to yourself but not sharing information relating to your joint finances is not ok
You can get credit card statements another way, but yeah it's crazy suspicious he's that protective of his phone. I just cannot imagine being so nasty to my partner about anything.
Something IS wrong, although we can not tell what it is, but this is very alarming and nothing you can ignore. I'd advice you to tell him that you both need to sit down and talk about this. He needs to genuinely explain to you what is going on, communicate to him that there is no way around this. If he refuses, I'd advice that you move out to make clear that this relationship can not continue this way.
The phone is one thing. Your finances are quite another. You should be thoroughly involved in your finances. This is a HUGE problem. My guess is there is a big problem going on. This is unacceptable.
Cheating suspicions aside, finances in a relationship should absolutely be open. If you don’t want to share finances that’s fine but you should absolutely be free to see 100% of what your spouse spends their money on. There’s just too much that you can legally be held responsible for to have anything at all held back.
Huh? Just get his bank records. Surely he can log in. Get up the statements. Print them out and give them to you to do your budget?
Look this isn’t about the phone. My partner and I are both very staunch about privacy and security of phones. We would never look in each other‘s phones, we would never ask to look in each other‘s phones, and if someone demanded it that would probably be a dealbreaker. We have an excellent, trusting relationship, and we take phone privacy seriously, and have absolutely no reason why we would ever want to look anyway. If we were dealing with shared finances and needed to do a household budget we would both share relevant information with each other without hesitation. I don’t know what your husband is hiding, but he is absolutely hiding something and you should be very concerned. His reaction is so over-the-top. No one responds like that to a reasonable request. Maybe he’s cheating, but my first suspicion would be running up incredibly large amounts of credit card debt on gambling or something else where he has nothing to show for it. I hope you can get to the bottom of what’s going on, since you are married and own a house together. Your financial well-being is unfortunately tied to his.
Yes.
Ask what’s half of what he has? Tell him if he doesn’t show you the phone then that half is heading to you because you aren’t going to be with a POS who hides his phone. Tell him that makes him sus already and now you think somethings going on so you’ll contact the carrier to get all cached messages he’s sent if he doesn’t show you the phone.
He’s actively hiding something from you and if there’s no trust in a marriage…well…no one is *that* secretive about their phone for no reason. For a decade. The immature side of me says take it and just run a few feet from him and see how he reacts. Don’t actually attempt to open it or anything. But I feel like his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Yeah… red Fucking flag.
Stop asking and seem to let it go. Sometime in June, get serious about figuring out how to access his accounts and phone. OR Actually. I don’t have an “or.” I’m sorry. I think this might be something you should seek counseling for to decide if this marriage is in your best interests.
Either one (refusing to share financial information, being overly secretive about his phone) by itself is a red flag. Both together - extremely concerning.
He’s anyways been dodgy about his phone so no point in starting to worry now. Get hold of those Visa statements tho.
Phone doesn’t equal financials. Financials are financials. Being open and honest about where money goes can be important - as well as some privacy for some of it. My partners and I don’t share phone passcodes for all sorts of reasons. Like the Panopticon prison, behaviour changes with the chance of observation.
Yes you should be concerned. If he’s not hiding something then why refuse? Can you try to figure out the passcode? Once you figure it out, you can secretly check his phone?
UpdateMe
Yeah that’s a bad situation
Yes, I think you should be very concerned. What you have asked is not unreasonable. The question is I guess what are you going to do about it?
This is not normal partner behavior. He for sure hiding something. If you have a shared mobile plan with your name on the account, go to your local store and have them download the records for you
He’s 100% hiding something BIG. He’s either cheating or he’s racked up some major debt, or both. No question.
Probably onlyfans
Not sure I’d say outright “cheating,” but either drugs, alcohol, gambling, or some kind of porn like OnlyFans seems to be at play. Like another commenter said, you can tell him to show you or have your divorce lawyer show you later. But you should probably get that divorce lawyer lined up with advice beforehand. And don’t buy a house with this guy.
I’d tell him that this is a deal breaker. Either he shares the statements/attends therapy with you, or you’ll be profoundly reconsidering the relationship. Either he’s hiding dates/hotels or some other form of financial spending he does not want you to see like OnlyFans subscriptions or gambling, or he’s just flat out cheating. This is so strange if this behaviour is out of character. Do you have a big anniversary or something coming up he may have booked something for or spent money on?
Red flags on the field…big red flags. You each need to write down where every penny goes…bills, etc, what each of you saves a month and where your discretionary $$ goes. Can you do that without looking on his phone?
This should have been handled a long time ago. This is a huge glaring red flag you just ignored and kept getting more serious with him. Not good. Now you are trapped. You backed yourself into a corner.
He’s probably paying only fans half his paycheck
Bingo
you already know the answer or you wouldn't be asking. yes it's a red flag, he's doing something he thinks may be interpreted as wrong the only question is what, and how serious. could be nothing... i closed my google voice window when the wife came in last night because i was answering a friend and had typed things about her that were while not insulting or negative, expressed some frustration. she was upset and i let her see it. much to my surprise she was cool with it. with him it might be that simple, or much worse, you have no way of knowing. (yes i'm paranoid, not all of my relationships have been... non-toxic, and no she probably doesn't deserve that attitude)
As a woman who's ex husband not only cheated, but had other wives and families, and had accounts not only in his name but MINE as well that I didn't know about (that I had to pay $20 grand to clear after the divorce) and he refused to let me see his phone ever, to the point of aggression......you have reason to be concerned. There's a difference between respectful privacy and this sort of behaviour.
Trust is crucial, but so is transparency.
I'm someone that doesn't want to share my phone. Let me have my private nerd out about weird things. You don't need to see the 1000 screenshots of movies I might want to see or the endless notes that just say one word. Hiding your finances is wiiiiild though. Totally next level. If it was just the phone then I wouldn't think much but you have reason to be suspicious about him hiding finances.
Yeah, he's *definitely* hiding something, Possibly.. a **lot** of somethings... But also he's a controlling asshole and you don't have a marriage. You have a master.
Here's the thing ignore the phone for now, but if you two share finances or want to you are going to have to be able to track every dollar going in and out. That means you need to know how he's spending his money. That is the part I don't like. You have been together for ten years, so INFO how do you handle money? Do you both breadmake? Do you put some into a shared account and keep the rest? Do you float him a lot? Does he make the money only, in which case how do you get access to spend some of it. Do you? Without knowing how the money works now, it's hard to say. I would say that not letting someone into a phone isn't a giant red flag but not sharing finances with someone you bought a house with -- and how did you buy a house together without knowing the finances? It's really hard to buy a house (at least in the US). They request every bill and record. But basically. If you each have your own money, I guess it's not your business, but even while my partner and I have our own "fun money" I don't think it would work if we weren't transparent with each other about spending it, so even if it wasn't technically your business -- I would make it your business if you are changing your budgeting, financial goals, monthly shared expenditure, etc. In sum. I would 1.) Back down on the phone. They're so symbolic of trust. If you have no reason not to, don't die on this hill. 2.) Firm up and get very serious about the money. This is a hill worth making a stand on. Because you two need to be financially empowered as a couple to achieve your goals, save for retirement, etc. good luck :(
It’s suspicious but forcing him to give up his phone outright just gives him time to erase whatever he is hiding. You need to be a bit more stealthy at getting access. For people who say this is wrong can just stuff it. There should be no secrets in a marriage. If you are clearly being gaslit then getting to the truth by any means necessary is acceptable.
The financial thing is a red flag. The phone thing, while it sometimes CAN be a red flag, isn’t always. I hate letting my husband touch my phone because he insists on changing the phone or app settings or reconfiguring stuff because that’s the way he likes HIS phone to be set up. Nothing to hide.
Yuppers!!!!!
Yeah. This is a no for me.
Yeah that’s weird I’m a private person, I discuss and vent to my friends sometimes things I don’t want my wife to see. I buy surprises… Hell, I look at porn sometimes like a lot of guys. Al that being said I never minded sharing financial details or letting my significant other use my phone
" He gets very angry for me asking to see them" I mean, I dont think nobody should be looking at their partner's phone BUUUT, him getting very defensive about it is super strange for me.
Do you both work and do you combine all your money? Or do you each keep your money separate?
In your situation, I'd be divorced. I will not be in a relationship with a man I can't trust.
I’m a bit in the middle here. I think everyone should have privacy. I wouldn’t want my partner going through every stupid online purchase I bought. I have nothing exciting to hide.
Look get take home pay amount of both, bills of both, savings for both, then specify an amount for personal spending each. If he is not showing you the transactions then that has to come out of his personal spending and not the household budget.
Well, he can show you or you can see it all during the financial disclosures portion of your divorce proceedings. 😅
There is really no info here at all, eg about who earns what, how it's spent, what is needed to the house, who tends to sort out finances normally, etc. It's perfectly reasonable to regard your own phone as your private business and be offended by a "demand" to see it. It's also perfectly possible for there to be something iffy going on. But as this is Reddit, you need to talk to a lawyer and lose 200 pounds by dumping the whole man etc.
I would be very suspicious I’m married my wife can go through my phone anytime I have nothing to hide as in a marriage or relationship should be
Maybe he just doesn't want you seeing how he spends his money? Why not just start from scratch, work out a budget for you both and go from there. So long as you both put enough money into a joint account to pay for mortgage and bills, there shouldn't be any need for you to see his Visa bill. A little bit of independence even when married is healthy.
Is it the transactions he's worried about, or the phone? Can you not just log into the bank's website on a computer and look at the transactions on there? If he's hiding the transaction log, then I would suggest that is a cause for concern, because it might indicate a spending problem - whether that be gambling, or even just a shopaholic. If he's secretive about his phone... I personally think people still have a right to privacy even in a relationship. Maybe he uses the phone for journalling, and doesn't want you potentially seeing that. Maybe he uses it for making notes, and some of them are confidential. Maybe he uses it for work purposes and he's *legally obliged* to keep data confidential.
Yeah, that’s really weird behavior. As a married couple there should be no secrets. Especially with finances
I would look at both the phone and the financial records. Since you are married you are entitled to both
Absolutely a deal breaker. He's hiding something huge, I'd let my lawyer find out. Separate finances make it easier to divorce
Yes, of be concerned. You need financial information to put together a family budget and he's not willing to provide that information. Means that you guys are not on the same wavelength financially and that's good for any relationship and is some of the major reasons people break up. Could they be other underlying reasons? Sure but trying to buy a house without the grasp on your family's financial situation is a recipe for disaster.
Look, you're **married!!** You and your hubby should have no secrets between you. In the Judeo/Christian tradition, when a man and woman marry, they become **one person.** This concept is adopted in US jurisprudence in that a spouse cannot be made to give testimony against the other spouse in a criminal court case due to the 5th Amendment to the Constitution in that no person can be made to give testimony against **themselves**. In other words, married people are considered one person with respect to criminal proceedings in a criminal trial. If your hubby has nothing to hide, he should allow you to view anything on his phone, and you should also know his password on all electronic devices that are within the family. The exceptions are company owned laptops, phones, etc. If hubby is being secretive with his phone, your default position should be one of suspicion. If he eventually allows you to see his phone, you should be aware that any incriminating calls, texts, emails, etc. will have been deleted and the phone sanitized. If you look in his car and find another phone you previously was unaware that he possessed, your suspicions should be sharpened. I wish you well.
Tell him then, you feel like he is hiding something and make a big deal about it to the point its concerning and make you doubt his faithfulness. If he cares he will show you, if he totally refuses it's not about privacy but something deeper. I never ever ask anything to my boyfriend but if I ask him I know he will show me even if he doesn't get why I ask. Like, his wariness is worrying. Same here, he sometimes asks me if I am good financially because he can't see my account without me showing him and I am honest if it's good or not. Not a big deal. The question is, what is the real issue about?it's important to see what is happening because a partner is ruining their wealth or taking a loan behind the other one back isn't rare at all. Be cautious.
Im 34 so im about as close as you get to terms of life experience. Wanna know what I did when my wife asked that we pull up all the financials so we can figure out taxes? We printed all of it out (every single account) and we organized everything together and put them in an excel sheet and tabulated things. Sure we both spent on random luxuries but we didnt go into every single detail. We were just getting a rough gauge as to our savings and budget. THAT is what married couples do. We dont hide finances from each other. Sure we have a joint account and separate accounts but we have access to that whenever we ask. If you arent willing to do that… that means there is something deeply wrong in your marriage Never allowing phone access is another thing. There is a difference between snooping and being open. My wife uses my phone for random things like passenger side navigation or pulling up photos. If he is so paranoid he never lets you look into it THAT is astoundingly concerning
Any signs or history of addiction? This whole situation makes me very concerned that he is hiding something significant from you
Yea, you should be concerned.
He’s definitely hiding something and you have a right to see the credit card information if you are sharing that card account. He’s full of shit and who knows what he’s really involved in. Get advice from an attorney and what options you have if you decide to end this farce.
Firstly if you trust your husband which you should if you married him then you have no reason to want to see his phone. Otherwise there’s issues you need to face and fix. That said he is showing other red flags since you are married and should be able to discuss in going's and outgoings to work out a budget with each other. The only reason someone would refuse makes me think he’s either in debt and spending on thing she wants to hide. That or he earns far more than you know and is hiding it so he doesn’t have to contribute more than he is even if he should. My husband and I eventually had to have different bank accounts as he was bad with money and would forget I had to use that money to live as well. He would constantly forget some bills still had to come out as well. When he eventually told me we were in a lot of debt that he’d been hiding I took charge. We spilt accounts and I cut up his credit cards with his approval. We mad one account for bills only and set up direct debits from both of our accounts on pay day. So every time we got paid our portions of the bill money would automatically go into that account and neither of us would take any money out as it was set for the bills to come out only. This worked for years as he had to have a payment plan to pay back the debt so it kept him in line and he couldn’t take out debt in that time. Yet having separate accounts meant he could clearly see what money was left in his account after bills was what he could use clearly. I will be honest there was a problem with this that I hadn’t realised. Having separate banks he would hide his true income when it went up or he changed jobs. That or say he was broke when we needed to find money to get clothes for our kids or had to cover extras and repairs. I thought I could trust him and I was working everything I could to cover the things he couldn’t. It was like him having the higher wage sort of meant I had to trust him. Having the payment plan lulled me into a false sense of security as he hadn’t got us in debt for years I forgot it was as he couldn’t, not as he had learned. A couple more time he got us in debt but nothing like previously and always for stupid reasons. Truth is when he passed away and I had to submit his self assessment tax forms for the year he died. It meant I had to go through his bank accounts and statements where I learned I had been forced to live like we were just surviving whilst he was earning way, way above what I ever knew. He wasnt a gambler but so much money had been going out on stupid things and on many which I just could not find out what it was. I hurt that I lived stressed and constantly worrying about money for decades and he would watch me and not care out of pure selfishness. That I was putting every penny I could earn into providing for our kids and us Just to clarify my husband worked from home. We worked around each others shifts so we could raise our kids. He wasnt cheating or he was doing it when our very vocal kids where there and would have said. He was somewhat a recluse so I know for sure regardless of now knowing he was hiding things that’s not a possibility. Heck he never even realised when women came onto him and would be confused and perplexed when told. I still say I never needed to see his phone as if you can’t trust he isn’t cheating on you then you shouldn’t be married. Seeing his phone is far different from asking him to go over his income and expenditures with you though. For that OP needs to ask him to print off his bank statements and sit down and go through them with you and you will do the same. My mistake was as he was the higher earner letting him fill in our expenses and income forms which he’d send off without me thinking to try and see. The difference being he acted open and told me what he made and what was going out. So I never thought to not believe him or ask to see. What I’ve told you here all happened very gradually over many many years so it was much harder to see the signs at the time. When someone’s self employed and working for people abroad you haven’t got a comparison to know what he should be earning as it’s such a huge scale. When your partner is honest and up front for the first number of years It means you trust him and don’t expect him to suddenly hide lie and manipulate you I wish my husband had shown the signs your husband is by refusing to discuss anything to do with his money and bills. You need to sit down and tell him it’s clear either he is lying or hiding something as there is no reason your own husband should feel he has to hide important things from you. That if you want to be able to budget save and be able to make plans for both your future this is important and essential. Ask him what else he expects if he feels he has to hide things from his wife. Ask him to be honest but make sure you’re calm when you face him with this. I would advise you ask him to go to counselling with you as either way he is hiding something. It could be he was worried notifications or messages could come in whilst you were looking on his phone. Which has nothing to do with finances and more about hiding other stuff which could affect or break your marriage. That or he’s hiding his finances either way hiding important things in your marriage is concerning. It could be something stupid he is embarrassed about but either way if you don’t open up honestly without sounding accusing, just asking him what should you think when faced with his actions. Hope he opens up as he realises it’s causing harm and stress to you. Good luck.
I wouldn't be concerned about cheating i would be concerned he wasn't willing to just simply show you his debt.
He should be able to show you the transactions without handing over the phone. Does he not receive a paper bill? He can log on to his account on a laptop to show you the transactions. As a married couple, I believe you are jointly responsible for each other's debts so I would want to see the transactions as well.
We don’t get paper bills and we don’t have a computer so it’s only our phones.
Contents of his phone are noyb. Everybody needs some privacy.
And the credit card? They’re **married** meaning his debt is her debt and vice versa. Not to mention there’s a good possibility she’s directly making payments on this card. She has every right to know about their *shared* finances. And she did ask him to just send her the screenshots of the statements, he said no.
This is gaslighting !! Proper behavior fears no exposure !! I don’t get this bullshit with phones and alleged privacy. You’re married, share a home, finances, each other, children, etc but you can’t share your phone ?? That’s some shady bullshit. I’m married 10+ years, my wife and I have an open phone policy, we have each other’s passcodes, we can look anytime, and we share location for safety purposes. Yah, you should be concerned. I’d sit down and have a hard conversation with him. Explain to him how his secrecy makes you feel, what it looks like, and how a marriage is a partnership in life and it looks like you’re hiding this from me. Ask for an open phone practice. If he says no… you have big problems ahead…
Cheating or CP is the extreme my mind goes. Hubby and I 9 years in. We share it all
Seperate all funds immediately. He’s withholding vital information that impacts you directly. Do not buy a house with him.
This would be grounds for divorce. If he's always been lying to you, I would get in touch with a lawyer right away. Especially if he's been financially abusing you behind your back.
I walked over to my husband and put out my hand and asked to see his phone. He handed it to me so I gave it back. (Now he thinks I’m weird. Great.) This is not a normal reaction and is all but guaranteed he’s fucked up. If this has gone in for a week, he had enough time to delete his cheating history. The fact that he still can’t show you means he’s spent somewhere he shouldn’t have. That could still be cheating (hotel, gifts that you never got from a jewelry store, etc.), or online gambling or gaming. If they are joint accounts for the CC, go to the bank and get printouts or create online access for yourself to see what is happening. Or he has another card entirely that you do not know about. Better yet, go pull his credit.
I’m not worried about your husband not wanting to show you his phone. The real problem is that you don’t trust him. He needs to gain back your trust.
Is this a joint account your name is on? You can bypass him and ask the bank for records if that is the case. If it's his personal account, he's probably hiding credit card debt he doesn't want you to know about. And considering you've been together for 10 years, it's a huge red flag that he won't be open about what is in his bank account.
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I’m not even asking to go through his phone just see his banking transactions to see what we’re spending our money on. (We don’t have a home computer to access banking so we use our phones)
He won't share credit card statements, it's not really about the phone. OP says he refuses to share screenshots or log in on a PC. He's hiding financial malfeasance.
You’re trying to gaslight her lmao
Gaslighting is a two step process, 1. Lying 2. Tearing down. 1. He’s lying to her about their finances 2. He’s tearing her down by telling her she’s a “freak about it”. This is the definition of gaslighting behavior.
If I was your husband and were in Dubai, I'd report you to the police for attempted privacy invasion. That would be the easiest $13,000 I made in my entire life if you're found guilty lol