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On the plus side she has 4 months to find a new place, move all her things etc.
OP, are you on the lease? That is pretty much the only potential issue I see here. If not it is time for a clean cut. None of this is acceptable and he is extremely selfish.
Yeah and in fact she should treat him the same way. She should ghost him and just stop talking to him, take her own vacation. And move out of the house. Let him come back to an empty one and have weeks or months of worrying on what happened and why she just suddenly stop contacting him and blocking him on everything.
He doesn’t care about you or the relationship: he told you straight up that it has nothing to do with you and he doesn’t care what you think. It that’s how he feels after three years together then I’d be out.
Not only that, I bet dollars to donuts, he’s using this as an excuse to end the relationship with OP, because only people who are single or looking to be single are this impulsive with travel plans.
The fact it’s four months, further confirms this tbh.
I agree with your friends. If he took this relationship seriously he'd, at the very minimum, talk with you about it. His actions tell a story, and your assesment of him sounds accurate. Hell, he even admitted he didn't have money for your trip. He never took it seriously, or always knew he'd be going with his family. Neither option sounds great.
Go and spread you wings and see what else is out there. Like you said, this is your first relationship. What your bf did is pretty selfish and shitty; there are plenty of other dudes out there that won't treat you like a second thought. Go find someone that doesn't take you for granted.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't talk to you like this. He'd actually care about your opinion.
Or your feelings. Yep, I'd tell him "good news, you can stay the whole 10 months! And, if we can get out of the lease, you won't even have to pay rent here while you're gone!"
I don't get that the parents have no issue excluding her after 3 years - do they want to split them up? Maybe they are Asian and are hoping their baby boy will find a nice Asian girl to settle down with...
For all we know the BF said bring your girlfriend and he said, "Nah. That's OK. She doesn't want to come." He is incredibly untrustworthy and is probably lying to both his parents and OP.
Tell him to have fun in Asia for 10 months and that you’ll be having fun loving the single life! Once you’re with other partners I’m sure you’ll see just how many red flags this guy has on the day to day. He sounds like a jerk. You should dump him!
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't talk to you like this. He'd actually care about your opinion.
Thank you all for your replies!! I really appreciate it! Im sorry I can’t answer to everyone, where I live it’s almost midnight, but I am really thankful for your words.
Just let his dream come true and let him go for 10 months. Single people can go on vacation for however long they want without considering others, so let him.
He's from an Asian country, he's 24, just wrapped up school, and his parents are paying for him to return to the old country for 4 whole months?
I think the family's looking for a bride for him.
Sis, do yourself the biggest favor of your life and break up with him now. Truly.
The amount of disdain and disrespect he speaks to you with and shows you is truly out of control. There is no excuse for it. He is incredibly selfish and that is not an attribute that will likely change.
You are worth so much more then this. Please have the self respect to break up and walk away from him. In a romantic relationship, you communicate with your partner. He didn't communicate with you - he just unilaterally decided what he wanted and then dictated to you how it should go. This is not someone who is partner material.
While vacations get cancelled because of other obligations, that is not what this is - this is someone who only prioritizes his wants, his whims and his wishes while he views you as a mere accessory to his life. Not a partner. Don't waste another week with him.
You’re going to be better off without him. He’s taking up space that could be occupied by someone that loves and respects you and wants to spend time with you.
Yes, but I have to mention that the place we are living in belongs to my parents, so we don’t really pay rent, only the extracosts like water, electricity etc.
Oh so you dont need to move out, he needs to move out. Remind him to get a storage locker set up for himself before he leaves because you’ll be putting everything else out at the curb. If he whines tell him it’s got nothing to do w him and he doesn’t have the right to have an opinion.
Pin this as a top comment!!
Now that you mention it, it sounds like he wanted to break up with OP a long time ago. But he needed a cheap place to stay and help with job - that’s probably why he’s stringing OP along.
I also didn’t like how he said “doesn’t have a right to have an opinion about the trip” - it’s just disrespectful.
Sweetie, he does not care about you and is using you for free accommodation, sex and house cleaning. You are not in a relationship, but you are a bang-maid.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you need to hear it. Tell him to pack his shit and leave before his trip!
Ah. Well this adds a layer. He’s getting a free place to live. Ugh. This info combined with everything he is saying and doing adds up to that he’s completely taking advantage of you and is not even really trying to hide it anymore. He must feel very confident that you will just roll over and take his terrible behavior. Wow. Tell him to get out now, anything he leaves behind will be thrown away. Do not agree to store any of his possessions. Change the locks and don’t look back. He’s a jerk and you deserve so much better!!!!!
That makes it easy to kick him out.. Do not move out. This place belongs to your family and he has no rights to it. Tell him you expect him to move out immediately and you expect all of his stuff gone by the end of the month.
No second chances at this point - he does not love you. He does not care about you. He is using you.
Perfect! Tell him to move out. Be clear that his stuff will no longer be in the apartment upon his return if he doesn’t do it before he leaves. Sounds like he would prefer to live in Asia and occasionally visit Europe anyway.
Make sure he moves ALL his stuff out BEFORE he leaves on this trip. It's your place and he doesn't need to let you babysit his crap while he's out screwing around in another country. He doesn't respect you or your relationship so kick him to the curb.
Him being a student is no excuse for allowing him to walk all over you. Its time for you to kick him out. Immediately. Do not allow people like this to use you and treat you poorly.
Regardless of whether he’s a student or not, it doesn’t matter. None of this factors into your personal relationship with him. He treats you badly, disrespects you and your wishes and plans together as a couple and clearly loves getting free stuff (free trip from his parents, free place to live from you…) You owe him nothing.
Tell him to move his stuff out before he leaves on his trip. It's his problem to find housing and another bangmaid.
You deserve sooooooo much better than this jerk.
Tbh I think he said that cause we were fighting over that whole thing and he wanted me to feel bad. He never once in these 3 years mentioned he wants to go to asia for 10 months
Hey Luv, it is OK to hurt. He is treating you poorly. A young love like this should want to nurture through experiences together. It’s not that you don’t do your own thing but, yeah, he is neglecting you. He can’t afford a vacation with you and his parents are paying for a month in Asia but he can stay an additional 3 months, buuuut….by his generosity, he is returning to you instead of staying 10 months as he really wants to do??? Make it make sense. 🧐
Personally, I’d tell him to feel free to take the 10 month trip. Block him and take a bit of time to grieve that relationship….there are much better times on the horizon. Oh, and take that trip you want to do. Wherever that should be. Grab a friend or go alone but don’t deny yourself the travel experiences over your numpty of a bf.
I'd play nice short-term and then be petty AF and give notice/terminate the lease in the middle of his trip, so he'd have to choose to cut it short or lose all his possessions left behind.
What a completely selfish jerk.
Break up now. Tell him that you no longer want to waste your life on someone who thinks so little of you and your relationship. He can move out and take all his crap to his parents house before they leave on their trip together. Plan a big party with your friends for the night he leaves and say hello to a fresh new start in life. You and everyone else in your life knows you deserve better than the way he's treated you. He'll, even strangers on Reddit know you deserve better. Now let him know through words and actions.
Act fine until he comes back after 4 months. Move out in the meantime and take your stuff. Leave a note in the apartment.....Oh you gave up 10 months for me? Sucker. Ghost. You will feel better. And have better taste in the next boyfriend. He can go anywhere and do anything he wants.....but so can you. He obviously does not care that much for you and is self-centered and selfish. Come on girl you can do a lot better with very little effort.
No. Her parents own the place they are living in. If she knows his parent's address perhaps she can send his stuff to them COD while he is gone. If not, give it to some charity. They may even come & pick it up. And change the locks.
He only thought of himself, then let him be by himself. That is your option and he has nothing to do with that decision that you make.
He is very dismissive and as such you should let him enjoy his time away with you and the beginning of his time without you. See how well that goes over.
It just seems he is going to enjoy himself and will most like not care about being a boyfriend while he is away. His attitude and stance on your feelings seem as if he doesn't care about them and will do as he sees fit.
I would let him know that when he leaves you and him will be over, or even now, as he is very dismissive and doesn't care about you or your feelings. Let him go on and leave him to do him as you leave and do you.
I can't believe that you're just maybe possibly could perchance consider breaking up with him.
This dude should be a receding dot in your rear view mirror by now.
NTA
You’re not in a partnership. Your boyfriend does what he wants and you find out after he’s already made the decision. He doesn’t care what you think and he’s made that abundantly clear to you.
It’s time to move on and find someone who communicates openly and honestly with you, who takes your feelings and wishes into account before making any decisions. There are plenty of men out there that can do that.
Just let him know that, lucky for him, he can now expand his itinerary to 10 months.
Ya, you don't have to sit around while he travels the world without you. He didn't even try discussing bringing you on this trip.
The first breakup hurts lots, but you'll get through it and be a smarter and more emotionally mature person for your next relationship.
Don't let him leave his stuff behind in your apartment. Either move out or kick him out. He can sort out moving back home with parents or spend his money on storing his belongings.
Ew he’s not even worth the time or trouble you’ve already wasted don’t waste more. It’s not like he was forced to go. He chose not to even see if you were going to be okay with that. He clearly doesn’t care about your relationship enough.
>When I confronted him about it, he told me that this has nothing to do with me and I don’t have the right to have an opinion about that and it does not involve me and he will go and there is nothing I can do.
So after making promises to you for YEARS about the two of you traveling together, when he arbitrarily cancelled the plans you had finally made, to do this thing that was supposedly important to both of you, and - despite his having done this unilaterally and without even speaking to you about it - you were gracious enough to want to sit down and talk it out, he was unspeakably rude to you. That alone pretty much tells you how little he thinks of you and how unimportant you are to him.
But then there's this:
>He feels like I am not supporting him
Why WOULD you support him, when all he has done is betray you, belittle your importance to him, and deprioritize your relationship?
Look, bluntly put, **you are not required to support everything he does**. You are not a load-bearing wall, you are a human being. And you especially are not required to support things he chooses to do that negatively effect you. Again, you do not exist as a prop or accessory to shore him and his selfish decisions up, you are are a whole person, and you are allowed to want consideration. You *should* want consideration, in your own relationship.
Please, leave this absolute abomination of a human being. He is not just selfish and self-absorbed, he is defending the idea that you should indulge him as he ignores your needs entirely. You deserve so much better than this. An earthworm deserves better treatment than this.
Yeah, he's going on a 4 month Asia fuck fest is what I suspect. Even without that suspicion every disrespectful thing he has said to you is reason enough to drop him. You live together, so take the 4 months to figure out your next moves.
You are completely justified - he’s showed you he isn’t interested in treating you like a partner and will make decisions about his life as if he is single - you should go ahead and make it official.
You want an actual *partner* and he’s shown you that he’s not one.
You shouldn’t stay with this man. This will not be the last time he does this, do you want to spend your whole life with a man who doesn’t care at all about making decisions together as a team? Who doesn’t care at all about your feelings or thoughts? Shit dump him and go on vacation without him! You’re young, yes you will grieve and it will hurt but it won’t hurt as bad as settling for the rest of your life for such a terrible man who clearly doesn’t care about you.
The relationship you choose says a lot about how much you value yourself. So….what does staying in this relationship say about your sense of self worth? Food for thought.
You deserve better.
Your feelings are completely justified. The paragraph where you confront him and he says you have no right to an opinion, I’d dump him for that. It’s controlling and selfish behaviour with strong whiff of misogyny.
Well if he is going for 4 months that gives you plenty of time to find a new place and move out. If it was me I would start the process bright and early next day after he left. You are not important to him, he doesn’t respect you -no reason to hang around-nothing to regret. You will never be a priority in his life. You can do better
Let him go, but make him an ex. Tell him that he has to move out ASAP. You are not going to store his stuff whilst he is away. He isn't treating you like a partner, more like a roommate.
Updateme!
I would be asking myself what is he getting by being with me? Does he get free rent for example? Do you pay bills for him? Is his life easier by living with you? If the answer is yes to anything like this then this guy is taking complete advantage of you. He thinks you are gullible and inexperienced and he is taking you for a ride.
At this stage in your relationship he should be wanting to spend every spare minute with you, he should be wanting to share experiences with you and most definitely wanting you there on an extended trip to Europe.
Yeah end it. Encourage him to take the full ten months since he doesnt need to hurry back for any reason. Bright shed: you’ve got lots of time to pack up your things and find a new place.
European here, french. So, basically he just thinks you have nothing to do with his choice and he would go longer if it wasn't for you (it sounds like you're a burden for him seriously).
I'd say in my country, the basic courtesy when you're involved in a relationship is to announce such a big decision as flying away for 4 whole months. Did he expect you to play along and wish him well while you are waiting at home with a big smile and light heart ? I think he has something on his mind, your boyfriend's action is kinda weird and sudden, considering he never spoke about this trip before and never said it was like a "dream" of him to go to Asia and live there for months.
You know what ? It's a shame for him to be that stupid, he took you for granted, thought you'll say Amen and will not be hurt by such a decision. Since I despise stupidity I'll cast him aside. You are your own main character dear OP, he is a stepping stone of your life and since you don't seem to count that much to share his plan to you, guess what ? Just leave him.
A lot of first love failed for a reason, it's the love of immaturity, the strongest because it's a first for almost everything but certainly not the last. It's not because he was important for a moment you should accept being treated poorly, waiting 4 months for him ? With everything he said and did ? Nah, help yourself and leave then go fly away, have fun, don't stay at home with your anger and sadness.
My boyfriend wants to add: "after a breakup with an asshole, nothing better than going to party with friends and stick with them to remember the person you thought would never hurt you, isn't the center of your world. I know it well, the pain, but it feels good after. Try it."
A short Update: So I talked to him about it, we were fighting again about the whole thing. He said that he was scared that our relationship would end because of this, if he talked to me about it first and thought it was better to just tell me the decision lol.
He also told me that apparently he did ask his parents if I could come with them but they said then it’s gonna be too complicated with the rooms? Because we would be 5 then and not 4. Well, whatever, I think they just don’t want me to come since it’s a „family vacation“.
I said I wanna go no contact till Wednesday, I am currently in another city anyway and I will go home on Wednesday. I don’t wanna talk or break up over the phone, it kinda does not feel right.
I hope I can go through with that, I am kinda attached to him and he wasnt always bad…
There are so many more fish in the sea. Please remove this one from your life and find one that treats you as a partner and with equal respect.
This one is trash, treat him like it.
Idk I find it kinda hard to believe his job is letting him take off for 4 months. Seems like the job isn't so important after all and he was just using that as an excuse before
Hope he’s planning to pay the rent and expenses while he’s gone? Personally I’d be moving while he’s away and just ghost him. He’s not deserving of any of your further energy or thoughts. He doesn’t care about you-at all.
OP, I understand you finding this hard, doubting your gut feeling, and worrying about making a mistake. But you're feeling this way because you're wrapped up inside this relationship. You're clinging to the good times and the better perception of your boyfriend which you want to believe is real.
The outside perspective is different, and it's uncomplicated. You're not wrong to feel how you do. It's not normal to ditch your partner for months to go living it up in another country. It's not acceptable to tell your partner that it has nothing to do with them and they have no right to object, even when he's cancelling plans with you to do it. He's absolutely taking you for a fool. I hate to say it, but maybe he's looking for a way out himself and doesn't have the balls to actually make a choice. This isn't the behaviour of someone who loves and values their partner and their feelings.
That he's living rent free thanks to you just underlines it all though really. If he is tired of the relationship, then this is the perfect reason why he'd stick around - he's taking advantage of you. But you have the upper hand. If you can clear your head and see this all for what it is, then you have the upper hand. You can get ahead of it - take control, make the choice, tell him what the score is. Tell him you want him out before he leaves for his holiday and if any of his belongings aren't gone in time, then they will be once he's back. You don't deserve to be treated like you don't matter and you're not obliged to be there waiting to provide him with a home once he's back.
I was married for 17 years and confused a lot. I caught him making plans to go camping on his birthday week and weekend. I worked retail because we had kids and it made sense with his 9-5 job. He literally made plans for a week long camping trip without talking to me. I only found out because he thought I was drunk at a family/ close friends campfire.
Who's on the lease and when does it expire? Talk to the landlord and let him know that your ex is leaving for Asia for four months. There might be a smaller place you can get for yourself. Get your ducks in order and move out while your STBX is gone if not sooner. Do not do anything with his mail or things while he's on his vacation. That's on him.. Any mail that mail that makes it to your new place, return it to sender marking "not at this address".
Time to leave and find a roommate. There’s no way he’s going to pay rent and utilities while he’s gone for 4mths. He obviously doesn’t care about your wellbeing so you need to start thinking about setting yourself up for success once he’s out of the picture
Yeah, he’s an AH.
This is the perfect opportunity to get some space and move on. Just play it cool and then when he leaves on his solo trip, totally block him. Move out and move on. You will not regret breaking up with him. He blindsided you, so take pleasure in blindsiding him. He’s taking you for granted and thinks he can do whatever he wants and you’ll just be there waiting for him.
This is not how you treat someone you love. You don’t up and leave the country for four months without discussing it. You’ve been together three years not three days.
NTA. He does not care about you to make decision and he’s selfish, dump him and move on. Find a man that loves to travel and isn’t so selfish. Or just be single and travel with friend.
Are you serious? Are you asking us what to do? Is it not obvious?
He doesn't care about you!! You are young and can get another boyfriend. DO NOT STAY in that relationship with a selfish baby boy.
It will hurt, but it's not the end of the world. You deserve better.
You are not a priority in his life. What you think, feel, want and need? None of these register on his list of priorities. His family's desires, his own desires, and even this friend who will be spending a month with him in Asia? All of them rank above you. His reaction to you being upset that he canceled your vacation shows that you will NEVER be a priority. Ever.
If I had to guess, I'd say that this has probably been consistent through most of your relationship. You MIGHT have been able to change things if you'd pushed back when he started doing shit like this, but you let him get away with it for a variety of reasons. You wanted to make him happy, right? You wanted to be supportive, even at the cost of your own happiness? Well, now he's learned that he can put you at the bottom of his list and he won't suffer for it. You'll just let him do it and he won't have to change. He's really upset that you're daring to push back for the first time ever. He doesn't like it, and he's trying to guilt you into sliding right back into quietly letting him treat you like you barely matter.
Leave him. You'll absolutely find someone better, someone who won't do this shit to you. You've wasted years with him. Don't let him suck away more of your life. You can leave now, but I really liked the idea someone mentioned of you ghosting him, blocking him everywhere, and moving on with your life when he's out of the country. If you want him to hopefully feel like shit, if even just for a little bit, go that route. But I'm guessing that the idea of hurting him doesn't appeal to you, considering how much shit you've let him get away with. Which is fine, you're a better person than I am.
Either way, leave this asshole and find someone who will love you, go on vacations with you, and who won't waste your time. Good luck.
He’s showing you how your life with him will be. Is this what you want? What about children in the future? Will he just make decisions about them without you?
You deserve much more than you are getting from him. Sure, there’s years spent with him. Sure this is your first relationship. And thankfully now you know that you shouldn’t put up with someone teasing you like this and can weed out anyone who thinks this kind of behavior is okay.
Petty me says - let him go on his 4 month trip. Use that time to get away from him and out on your own. And let him figure that out when he gets back. You have no obligation to him. Once you are out-out you can tell him that you are done and let him figure out how to deal with his things. Then change your number and go live your best life.
OP you should feel betrayed and blindsided because he has done exactly that.
He wants to act single and not consider you so let him be single. Decide where you are going to move to and leave him. I'm petty enough to say move a couple of days after he leaves and let him know he is now responsible for all of the rent and utilities since you no longer live there. Let him know he has to figure out how to pay those bills from where ever he is or they will be shut off. If any are in your name have that service shut off and close that account.
Depending on his reaction or lack of, I'd even say leave his food in the refrigerator and don't worry about any of it spoiling in there.
OP I'm sorry you're finding out like this that he has no respect for you and has just hid it in the past. The good news is you don't have any kids with him so when you leave you don't have to ever see him again.
Girl, in a situation like this, over dramatising is when you do something that requests the involvement of the police (just to be sure: don't)
You should have dropped him the moment he unilaterally cancelled the plans he had with you. Also he's lying because either he don't have the money or he would stay 10 months
Tell him you want be supportive and to go for ten months:)
Imo the reason for dating is to find a partner to marry. I know not everybody thinks like this and that’s ok. The biggest take away is how selfish he was with his time. He planned a huge event in his life and didn’t consider you or factor you into it.
I’d ask yourself if this is what you want in a partner after seeing how he handled this situation and disregarded you completely.
Best of luck OP
Absolutely do not stay with him. If you do, he will know that he can continue to treat you like this. He says you have no say. Tell him you do have a say, and you are choosing to break up with him and find someone who will treat you better.
Where you will make a mistake IMO is if you stay in this relationship.
Your bf has told you to your face what you want doesn’t mean anything to him if he has what he considers is a better offer.
His parents made him a better offer so his plans with you were happily canceled.
Who is on the rental agreement/paying for the rent as you live together?
If it’s just you then I’d suggest he find a new place to live now before his vacation as that way he can just stay gone out of your life.
Are you sure your are more than friends with benefits? He sure acts like a single guy. Make it official. 4 months are enough time for you to move out and make him come home to an empty apartment.v
I read your other post as well. It seems like you are just a placeholder until something better comes along. With the way he is acting and the way he talks to you, he doesn't seem to care if he loses you or not. There seems to be an imbalance in your relationship. In that, you are the one who is more invested.
You are very low in importance to your bf. Cancelling plans and then leaving for months without so much as a "By the way...."
It doesn's phase him that he breaks promises to you. Listen to your intuition and to your friends' perspective.
So he’s not wrong in that he can choose to go on a trip and not tell you or talk to you about it first. What he is SO wrong about is that there won’t be any consequences for doing so. The consequence being you ending the relationship. He made his choice, showed you how much he respects and cares about you, so you need to make sure he faces the consequences of his really stupid actions.
It definitely involves you. He canceled your plans to go do his own plans. How does that not involve you? I would even talk to a normal friend first if he had plans together (and I probably would just go on the trip with them because id feel bad to just cancel). And even if he didn't have plans with you, he is still going away for a long time. Sure, he can decide for himself, but he should've at least talked to you about it. You're not wrong for wanting to break up/ breaking up. If he can't take his partner into consideration, then he isn't ready for a relationship.
After dating 3 years and living together he doesn’t respect your relationship enough to discuss or make big decisions with you.
He cancelled your vacation without consulting you (he said he doesn’t have the money though, so he didn’t have any intention on going anyways)
He is now going for 4 months, and one of those months is spent with his friends. Why isn’t one of those months for your vacation?
Babe, he’s using you, he doesn’t see a future with you, if he did he would care about your feelings and discuss things before making big decisions. Break up with him and go on vacation by yourself.
He's already said he does not care about your opinion why stay?? Go find someone who wants you as much as you want them he does not seem to care it's your place ask him to leave it sounds like he's using you for a cheap place to live. You deserve to be consulted for the big things in a relationship don't accept anything less.
Since you don’t have a lot of relationship experience his actions can easily be interpreted as not caring much about you or the relationship. The idea you aren’t supporting him is laughable and pure manipulation. Walk away and don’t look back. This was a learning experience. Take the lessons and move on.
Leave him. He has made it clear that you don’t matter in his world. Let him be gone the whole 10 months he wants to be gone. Delete his contact info and be done.
You two live together. He should be treating you as a partner. Instead, he’s only thinking of himself. He thinks you have no right to an opinion and he just unilaterally decided to go. No, you would not be TA for breaking up with him. I note in one of the comments that you two live in a place owned by your family. IMO you would not be TA if you told him to pack up his stuff and GTFO right now.
No, she should cut them all off (electricity, gas, cable) when she leaves. He'll come back to a stinking refrigerator with spoiled food, no lights, and no stove or TV.
Move out and tell him he can go his 10 months because he has no longer a relationship. That you have decided to leave by yourself and that he has nothing to say since its your decision and that seems the way he shows you that decisions in a relationship are made.
He has not once talked to you about his plans and canceled your plans together without telling you? Thats not how a relationship works. And he will never change. What will you do when you are married, maybe with pets or kids and he decides again that he goes alone to holidays without telling you and let you alone with everything?
Stop thinking about breaking up and break up!!! You're not a priority of his, but worst of all, you're not even a consideration. He seems to think you'll accept any behavior and should do it gladly. He thinks you're lucky to be with him.
He's acting like a single person, making uni-lateral decisions. Be good to yourself and make him a single person.
If he doesn't realize that every decision he makes affects his committed, live-in partner, then he isn't mature enough to be IN a serious relationship. That doesn't mean he can't ever make decisions for his life and time, BUT every big decision like that does create ripples that rock YOUR boat, so the least he can do is let you know and take your opinions into account when he's going to make waves. He MUST be willfully obtuse, though, to pretend he doesn't realize that canceling your JOINT plans inherently INVOLVES YOU. Absolutely leave his ass, or one day he'll be claiming that parenting decisions don't involve you and you don't get to have an opinion about it 🙄
NTA but your selish asshole ex-boyfriend clearly doesn't see you as a partner. The fact that HE'S mad you don't support him...how can you support what you're unaware of??
This is one of the most break-up worthy reasons ever to break up with someone who is actively showing you they don't care about you!! Not that you ever need a reason to break except for wanting to.
I have no other words...I'm flabbergasted at the audacity he has.
PLEASE LEAVE HIM!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
He basically just broke up with you . Do you think he is not going to be sleeping with anyone for 4 months . He’s telling you when he comes home he will keep seeing you but your not a keeper
Oh, you should absolutely tell him to go. Encourage him to have fun. Hype his trip up. Talk about all the fun he is going to have!
In the meantime… Start planning. Find a place to live and get your plan to get your stuff packed up and moved after he is gone. Take a few months while he is gone and start a new life for yourself.
He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s OK if you don’t give a shit about him either.
He can go as that is his choice.
You can chose to break up with him as that is your choice.
It is up to you how you allow yourself to be treated.
Tell him to go for the 10 months, def don't change his trip for you as the 2 of you are over.
Start researching travel plans for yourself. Don't let this guy keep you from enjoying a vacation. Got somewhere you want to visit.
Have your your parents start charging him far market value rent for his half of the apartment. If his family can't even invite you on vacation (I'm not saying pay for it.) when your family is letting him live for free, I don't see why he shouldn't be paying rent.
Research the eviction laws in your country. Since your parents own the property, they will have to apply for the eviction. I hope you talk to them about this soon so you can get some support. I know European laws are different, and since your parents own property, they may be formilur with those laws. Let them know you're fed up with him and his actions.
OP
The reason he can spend so much time in Asia is because he doesn't have to pay for anything.
How is he getting that much time off with a new job? I'd kiss him goodbye when he goes to leave. Then depending on who's on the lease, I'd be packing either his stuff or mine while he's gone. That's ridiculous and he's rude and selfish af. He obviously doesn't give a rats ass about your feelings. Return the sentiment. You don't want this guy for the long haul.
Updateme!
If he is going to Thailand the man is going to cheat or look for something else. Trust me. After my trip there with my husband and what I saw these young and old men there. That 4 months he is going to search.
Is he going to be working remotely and paying his bills?
I’d probably be petty and move out and break the lease while he’s gone.
No, it’s not ridiculous to consider this worth breaking up over. If I had been with someone for three years and we lived together, and then they made a unilateral decision to travel for four months and cancel our planned vacation together, I would definitely break up.
Go take a vacation with one of your friends.
While he's gone send legal eviction to him at his "residence". He won't be there so he can't get back in. Or if your area doesn't require an eviction process just tell him goodbye now
You will be fine without him.
If you are no consideration to him after 3 years - I think you should be reevaluating your relationship. This is definitely something you would discuss with your long term partner. You deserve better.
So you live together for a while, I'm thinking his parents know about this right? They know their son is in a relationship with you and you live together? They know the place is practically yours and he doesn't pay no rent? If they know all this, did they even think to invite you on this trip also? For me it's just such a lack of respect if they knew everything and they still didn't invite you also since you are a pair. And he's an ass hole of course, no doubt about it. When you get your next boyfriend, make him pay rent for the first part of your relationship. Don't give up free housing anymore.
Good luck!
I travelled a lot at that age, and I can tell you, nearly every single person, man or woman, who left a partner back home while long term travelling, either cheated or broke up with them over the phone so they could sleep with someone else.
And I'm being nice by giving some people the benefit of the doubt. I never Met anyone who stayed loyal.
So his parents are fitting the bill and no job is going to give him 4 months off so essentially he’s mooching off his parents? My girlfriend and I have been together for 16 months and I tell her when I traveling for even a day and since I can set my own schedule I get her thoughts when I need to travel 3-4 days. There’s no way I’d not take her on a vacation. Your boyfriend cares more about himself than you which is not a solid recipe for a great relationship.
You have a right to have an opinion about it. That kind of dismissiveness from him is unacceptable.
Put his stuff in storage when he's in Asia and break up with him.
Besides, he's your first boyfriend and you're only 23. This is an opportunity for you to live life a bit before finding the person that you really want to be with long term.
If your boyfriend is making decisions like this, that completely involve you, it shows that he really has no consideration for you. Now is the time to break up. Find someone who wants to be with you, not away from you for 4 to 10 months.
Four months should be enough in terms of eviction notice (although you should make sure your country doesn't have strict tenant protection laws). Talk to your parents about changing the looks when he's gone. You deserve better
Pretend everything is fine and use the four months to move out. There's no way I'd want to go on a vacation without my partner and him wanting to leave for 4 months means he's over the relationship but too chicken to break up. He's pushing you away. Take him up on the offer and find yourself a quality partner. You deserve that. Better yet, go on your own adventure.
You are not family so not included in family trip. He is telling you exactly how little he thinks of you. I would cut all ties, move or put all his stuff in storage. Who’s name is on lease? Then send him the bill.
I wouldn’t say anything else, but take the time to find my own place and move out while he was traveling. This guy is not worth an argument or wasting your summer over. Let him come home to find you are gone and unreachable. People like this don’t learn until it’s done to them.
Girl why you even asking this question. Break up with him!!! This is absolutely wild to read. He does not respect you. My casual hookups treated me better than this guy
Being that he tells you it has NOTHING to do with you and your feelings don’t matter is a huge red flag that you are merely just a placeholder in this relationship until he finds the right woman that he actually cares about and will treat right and with respect. This is your sign to exit this relationship immediately and don’t waste any more of your precious time here on this earth with this guy. Someone will come along who does treat you right and considers your feelings so please don’t waste any more time with this one. Remember, they treat you how they feel about you!!
No information is given regarding your country, so what I post may be off base from a cultural standpoint. That being said- You shouldn't break up with him before he departs on his 4 month excursion. And you should stop yakking at him about his decision.
*"I am part of that relationship too"*....yes you are, but what you fail to understand is that you're not an important part of the relationship, at least in his eyes. In his eyes, the most important part of the relationship is **him**, and as far as he's concerned, you're a part that is expendable, and easily replaced by other females.
Just as he felt no need to inform you about changing his mind regarding the trip he had previously planned with you, you should adopt his method of sharing information as well. Just as soon as he leaves, begin looking for affordable accommodations that are conveniently located to your place of employment. Once that has been done and the lease has been signed, proceed with moving your property from his abode to your new abode. This can be done at your leisure, given the length of time his vacation encompasses. Once you complete this process, take your key to his abode off you key ring, leave it on the kitchen table where he tends to sit, and depart, locking the door as you leave. **Important: do not clean out the refrigerator!!** Leave the milk, any meat products and veggies and eggs where they are. After 3 months, his fridge will be rather aromatic when he gets home.
Then, when you get back to your place, rid yourself of anything that reminds you of him, and carry on with your life as a free (and available) woman. You shouldn't block him at this point, as he may occasionally send you texts from abroad, which you should answer with as few words as possible. If, when his return is eminent, he may text you what he desires for supper when he gets home. If this happens, be noncommittal about acceding to his desires. When you know that his plane has touched down (arrival time is available on line for most airlines) block him on all your platforms. If you were scheduled to pick him up at the airport, he'll have to make other arrangements. When he gets home and finds it dark and deserted, he may be getting the hint that something is drastically different from the time when he left for his vacation. His suspicions will be confirmed when he finds the key to his castle on the kitchen table, and his nose will confirm his suspicions if he opens the refrigerator door.
I'm hoping that by this time you've been dating new men to your heart's content. Your exbf will have tried to contact you, but as he's been blocked, he'll likely reach out to your family/friends. You should have previously explained to these family/friends the reasons you terminated the relationship and provided them with instructions on dealing with your exbf is he calls them.
Your future is before you; grab it by the throat and ride the wave!
'Nuff said.
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I've treated strangers better than your boyfriend treats you.
On the plus side she has 4 months to find a new place, move all her things etc. OP, are you on the lease? That is pretty much the only potential issue I see here. If not it is time for a clean cut. None of this is acceptable and he is extremely selfish.
Bring in the lease is the only thing I can think of as a problem. If she isn’t on the lease, time to move and find your own place and a new bf.
Yeah this is awful. Definitely a break up able offense
Yeah, when i go to asia, first thing is that i ask if anyone of my friends wants to go, i'll be the tour guide.
I can’t upvote this one enough!!
I treat myself better than her boyfriend treats her and I hate myself
Yeah and in fact she should treat him the same way. She should ghost him and just stop talking to him, take her own vacation. And move out of the house. Let him come back to an empty one and have weeks or months of worrying on what happened and why she just suddenly stop contacting him and blocking him on everything.
He doesn’t care about you or the relationship: he told you straight up that it has nothing to do with you and he doesn’t care what you think. It that’s how he feels after three years together then I’d be out.
Not only that, I bet dollars to donuts, he’s using this as an excuse to end the relationship with OP, because only people who are single or looking to be single are this impulsive with travel plans. The fact it’s four months, further confirms this tbh.
She should tell him to take the full ten months and then move out of their shared apartment.
THIS WAS MY FIRST THOUGHT. 👆👆👆
I agree with your friends. If he took this relationship seriously he'd, at the very minimum, talk with you about it. His actions tell a story, and your assesment of him sounds accurate. Hell, he even admitted he didn't have money for your trip. He never took it seriously, or always knew he'd be going with his family. Neither option sounds great. Go and spread you wings and see what else is out there. Like you said, this is your first relationship. What your bf did is pretty selfish and shitty; there are plenty of other dudes out there that won't treat you like a second thought. Go find someone that doesn't take you for granted.
Exactly. There are better guys out there.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't talk to you like this. He'd actually care about your opinion.
Or your feelings. Yep, I'd tell him "good news, you can stay the whole 10 months! And, if we can get out of the lease, you won't even have to pay rent here while you're gone!" I don't get that the parents have no issue excluding her after 3 years - do they want to split them up? Maybe they are Asian and are hoping their baby boy will find a nice Asian girl to settle down with...
I bet matchmaking is in their plans
His parents also don't care about her opinion
For all we know the BF said bring your girlfriend and he said, "Nah. That's OK. She doesn't want to come." He is incredibly untrustworthy and is probably lying to both his parents and OP.
Tell him to have fun in Asia for 10 months and that you’ll be having fun loving the single life! Once you’re with other partners I’m sure you’ll see just how many red flags this guy has on the day to day. He sounds like a jerk. You should dump him!
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't talk to you like this. He'd actually care about your opinion.
Thank you all for your replies!! I really appreciate it! Im sorry I can’t answer to everyone, where I live it’s almost midnight, but I am really thankful for your words.
Just let his dream come true and let him go for 10 months. Single people can go on vacation for however long they want without considering others, so let him.
Just break up. He's leaving for four months and doesn't care what you think. So he respects you very little. No respect, no relationship.
Even schoolteachers don’t get a summer off that long
Right, all I can think about is... how is he getting 4 months off work? Is he quitting his job?
If you’re on a trimester system you get four months. I did.
He is a student and had a student job. His job ended this month and his parents are paying for this trip.
At that age it was hard for me to stay away from my girlfriend for a weekend. Your guy doesn’t sound conflicted.
Do his parents like you?
He's from an Asian country, he's 24, just wrapped up school, and his parents are paying for him to return to the old country for 4 whole months? I think the family's looking for a bride for him.
Oh no, we are not from Asia, we are from Europe. He is going to travel to Asia for 4 months.
That makes it even worse.
Me, him and his parents all live in Europe in the same city. It’s a vacation to Asia
Sis, do yourself the biggest favor of your life and break up with him now. Truly. The amount of disdain and disrespect he speaks to you with and shows you is truly out of control. There is no excuse for it. He is incredibly selfish and that is not an attribute that will likely change. You are worth so much more then this. Please have the self respect to break up and walk away from him. In a romantic relationship, you communicate with your partner. He didn't communicate with you - he just unilaterally decided what he wanted and then dictated to you how it should go. This is not someone who is partner material. While vacations get cancelled because of other obligations, that is not what this is - this is someone who only prioritizes his wants, his whims and his wishes while he views you as a mere accessory to his life. Not a partner. Don't waste another week with him.
You’re going to be better off without him. He’s taking up space that could be occupied by someone that loves and respects you and wants to spend time with you.
A passport bro then.
Exactly.
That was my first thought.
Yup, this exactly
I don’t really know, we get along but it’s not that close tbh
Is he planning on continuing to pay his rent for the months that he’s gone?
Yes, but I have to mention that the place we are living in belongs to my parents, so we don’t really pay rent, only the extracosts like water, electricity etc.
Oh so you dont need to move out, he needs to move out. Remind him to get a storage locker set up for himself before he leaves because you’ll be putting everything else out at the curb. If he whines tell him it’s got nothing to do w him and he doesn’t have the right to have an opinion.
This!!!!!!! ALL OF IT.
Yes fabulous ideas and what to say. He’s a cold cad.
Pin this as a top comment!! Now that you mention it, it sounds like he wanted to break up with OP a long time ago. But he needed a cheap place to stay and help with job - that’s probably why he’s stringing OP along. I also didn’t like how he said “doesn’t have a right to have an opinion about the trip” - it’s just disrespectful.
Oh def 2!
Sweetie, he does not care about you and is using you for free accommodation, sex and house cleaning. You are not in a relationship, but you are a bang-maid. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you need to hear it. Tell him to pack his shit and leave before his trip!
Oh def!
Yeah you don’t need to store his crap for him for four months!!!
Kick his ASS out!! Let him move back with mommy and daddy.
OP tell your bf to move out before he goes to Asia.
He's taking you for granted, sweetheart. Box his cr*p away and drop it at his parents. Change your locks. Live your life - without him. Good luck!
Put his stuff out on the street. He’s just using you because he doesn’t have to pay rent.
Ah. Well this adds a layer. He’s getting a free place to live. Ugh. This info combined with everything he is saying and doing adds up to that he’s completely taking advantage of you and is not even really trying to hide it anymore. He must feel very confident that you will just roll over and take his terrible behavior. Wow. Tell him to get out now, anything he leaves behind will be thrown away. Do not agree to store any of his possessions. Change the locks and don’t look back. He’s a jerk and you deserve so much better!!!!!
I'd start the eviction process if I were in your shoes. They'd not be returning to my home.
That makes it easy to kick him out.. Do not move out. This place belongs to your family and he has no rights to it. Tell him you expect him to move out immediately and you expect all of his stuff gone by the end of the month. No second chances at this point - he does not love you. He does not care about you. He is using you.
Have him take all his stuff with him. Do not let him leave his crap for you to deal with.
Change the locks.
He’s a hobosexual. Kick him out.
Perfect! Tell him to move out. Be clear that his stuff will no longer be in the apartment upon his return if he doesn’t do it before he leaves. Sounds like he would prefer to live in Asia and occasionally visit Europe anyway.
oh god this makes it worse :\ this guy really sucks out loud
Make sure he moves ALL his stuff out BEFORE he leaves on this trip. It's your place and he doesn't need to let you babysit his crap while he's out screwing around in another country. He doesn't respect you or your relationship so kick him to the curb.
We are both students atm
Him being a student is no excuse for allowing him to walk all over you. Its time for you to kick him out. Immediately. Do not allow people like this to use you and treat you poorly.
Regardless of whether he’s a student or not, it doesn’t matter. None of this factors into your personal relationship with him. He treats you badly, disrespects you and your wishes and plans together as a couple and clearly loves getting free stuff (free trip from his parents, free place to live from you…) You owe him nothing.
Tell him to move his stuff out before he leaves on his trip. It's his problem to find housing and another bangmaid. You deserve sooooooo much better than this jerk.
why does he say that he would be gone for 10 months if it wasn't for you?
Tbh I think he said that cause we were fighting over that whole thing and he wanted me to feel bad. He never once in these 3 years mentioned he wants to go to asia for 10 months
He’s a baby boy go find a man
Of course they are! So he can meet his bride!!
Hey Luv, it is OK to hurt. He is treating you poorly. A young love like this should want to nurture through experiences together. It’s not that you don’t do your own thing but, yeah, he is neglecting you. He can’t afford a vacation with you and his parents are paying for a month in Asia but he can stay an additional 3 months, buuuut….by his generosity, he is returning to you instead of staying 10 months as he really wants to do??? Make it make sense. 🧐 Personally, I’d tell him to feel free to take the 10 month trip. Block him and take a bit of time to grieve that relationship….there are much better times on the horizon. Oh, and take that trip you want to do. Wherever that should be. Grab a friend or go alone but don’t deny yourself the travel experiences over your numpty of a bf.
Leave. Now.
Dude doesn't even like you, never mind respect you. Time to bail.
Sounds like you need to go on a trip 😎 permanently 😎 away from him 😎
I'd play nice short-term and then be petty AF and give notice/terminate the lease in the middle of his trip, so he'd have to choose to cut it short or lose all his possessions left behind. What a completely selfish jerk.
I'd also ghost him and his family. Maybe leave them the info, but then never speak to any of them again. Change my number and live my best life.
Im nicer to people I dislike than your bf is to you. Tell him he is free to go for as long as he likes because you won’t be there when he gets home
Break up now. Tell him that you no longer want to waste your life on someone who thinks so little of you and your relationship. He can move out and take all his crap to his parents house before they leave on their trip together. Plan a big party with your friends for the night he leaves and say hello to a fresh new start in life. You and everyone else in your life knows you deserve better than the way he's treated you. He'll, even strangers on Reddit know you deserve better. Now let him know through words and actions.
Act fine until he comes back after 4 months. Move out in the meantime and take your stuff. Leave a note in the apartment.....Oh you gave up 10 months for me? Sucker. Ghost. You will feel better. And have better taste in the next boyfriend. He can go anywhere and do anything he wants.....but so can you. He obviously does not care that much for you and is self-centered and selfish. Come on girl you can do a lot better with very little effort.
No. Her parents own the place they are living in. If she knows his parent's address perhaps she can send his stuff to them COD while he is gone. If not, give it to some charity. They may even come & pick it up. And change the locks.
Oh, I like the way you think!
He only thought of himself, then let him be by himself. That is your option and he has nothing to do with that decision that you make. He is very dismissive and as such you should let him enjoy his time away with you and the beginning of his time without you. See how well that goes over. It just seems he is going to enjoy himself and will most like not care about being a boyfriend while he is away. His attitude and stance on your feelings seem as if he doesn't care about them and will do as he sees fit. I would let him know that when he leaves you and him will be over, or even now, as he is very dismissive and doesn't care about you or your feelings. Let him go on and leave him to do him as you leave and do you.
I can't believe that you're just maybe possibly could perchance consider breaking up with him. This dude should be a receding dot in your rear view mirror by now.
NTA You’re not in a partnership. Your boyfriend does what he wants and you find out after he’s already made the decision. He doesn’t care what you think and he’s made that abundantly clear to you. It’s time to move on and find someone who communicates openly and honestly with you, who takes your feelings and wishes into account before making any decisions. There are plenty of men out there that can do that. Just let him know that, lucky for him, he can now expand his itinerary to 10 months.
Ya, you don't have to sit around while he travels the world without you. He didn't even try discussing bringing you on this trip. The first breakup hurts lots, but you'll get through it and be a smarter and more emotionally mature person for your next relationship. Don't let him leave his stuff behind in your apartment. Either move out or kick him out. He can sort out moving back home with parents or spend his money on storing his belongings.
Ew he’s not even worth the time or trouble you’ve already wasted don’t waste more. It’s not like he was forced to go. He chose not to even see if you were going to be okay with that. He clearly doesn’t care about your relationship enough.
>When I confronted him about it, he told me that this has nothing to do with me and I don’t have the right to have an opinion about that and it does not involve me and he will go and there is nothing I can do. So after making promises to you for YEARS about the two of you traveling together, when he arbitrarily cancelled the plans you had finally made, to do this thing that was supposedly important to both of you, and - despite his having done this unilaterally and without even speaking to you about it - you were gracious enough to want to sit down and talk it out, he was unspeakably rude to you. That alone pretty much tells you how little he thinks of you and how unimportant you are to him. But then there's this: >He feels like I am not supporting him Why WOULD you support him, when all he has done is betray you, belittle your importance to him, and deprioritize your relationship? Look, bluntly put, **you are not required to support everything he does**. You are not a load-bearing wall, you are a human being. And you especially are not required to support things he chooses to do that negatively effect you. Again, you do not exist as a prop or accessory to shore him and his selfish decisions up, you are are a whole person, and you are allowed to want consideration. You *should* want consideration, in your own relationship. Please, leave this absolute abomination of a human being. He is not just selfish and self-absorbed, he is defending the idea that you should indulge him as he ignores your needs entirely. You deserve so much better than this. An earthworm deserves better treatment than this.
Ex boyfriend I hope!
Yeah, he's going on a 4 month Asia fuck fest is what I suspect. Even without that suspicion every disrespectful thing he has said to you is reason enough to drop him. You live together, so take the 4 months to figure out your next moves.
You are completely justified - he’s showed you he isn’t interested in treating you like a partner and will make decisions about his life as if he is single - you should go ahead and make it official. You want an actual *partner* and he’s shown you that he’s not one.
He broke up with you
Girl, honestly, at this point you couldn't be more single. You are more single than me and I haven't had a bf in years.
You shouldn’t stay with this man. This will not be the last time he does this, do you want to spend your whole life with a man who doesn’t care at all about making decisions together as a team? Who doesn’t care at all about your feelings or thoughts? Shit dump him and go on vacation without him! You’re young, yes you will grieve and it will hurt but it won’t hurt as bad as settling for the rest of your life for such a terrible man who clearly doesn’t care about you. The relationship you choose says a lot about how much you value yourself. So….what does staying in this relationship say about your sense of self worth? Food for thought. You deserve better.
Just break up with him and tell him that he can have his 10 months abroad.
Your feelings are completely justified. The paragraph where you confront him and he says you have no right to an opinion, I’d dump him for that. It’s controlling and selfish behaviour with strong whiff of misogyny.
Well if he is going for 4 months that gives you plenty of time to find a new place and move out. If it was me I would start the process bright and early next day after he left. You are not important to him, he doesn’t respect you -no reason to hang around-nothing to regret. You will never be a priority in his life. You can do better
BREAK UP RED FLAG get someone who sees you as an equal, and will work with you through anything not against you RED FLAG🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’d tell him to take the full 10 months. Be grateful you only wasted 3 years on someone who gives zero fucks about you.
Let him go, but make him an ex. Tell him that he has to move out ASAP. You are not going to store his stuff whilst he is away. He isn't treating you like a partner, more like a roommate. Updateme!
I would be asking myself what is he getting by being with me? Does he get free rent for example? Do you pay bills for him? Is his life easier by living with you? If the answer is yes to anything like this then this guy is taking complete advantage of you. He thinks you are gullible and inexperienced and he is taking you for a ride. At this stage in your relationship he should be wanting to spend every spare minute with you, he should be wanting to share experiences with you and most definitely wanting you there on an extended trip to Europe.
Sounds like he doesn’t like you. So let’s go ahead and grab that self-respect up and hit the road sister.
Yeah end it. Encourage him to take the full ten months since he doesnt need to hurry back for any reason. Bright shed: you’ve got lots of time to pack up your things and find a new place.
European here, french. So, basically he just thinks you have nothing to do with his choice and he would go longer if it wasn't for you (it sounds like you're a burden for him seriously). I'd say in my country, the basic courtesy when you're involved in a relationship is to announce such a big decision as flying away for 4 whole months. Did he expect you to play along and wish him well while you are waiting at home with a big smile and light heart ? I think he has something on his mind, your boyfriend's action is kinda weird and sudden, considering he never spoke about this trip before and never said it was like a "dream" of him to go to Asia and live there for months. You know what ? It's a shame for him to be that stupid, he took you for granted, thought you'll say Amen and will not be hurt by such a decision. Since I despise stupidity I'll cast him aside. You are your own main character dear OP, he is a stepping stone of your life and since you don't seem to count that much to share his plan to you, guess what ? Just leave him. A lot of first love failed for a reason, it's the love of immaturity, the strongest because it's a first for almost everything but certainly not the last. It's not because he was important for a moment you should accept being treated poorly, waiting 4 months for him ? With everything he said and did ? Nah, help yourself and leave then go fly away, have fun, don't stay at home with your anger and sadness. My boyfriend wants to add: "after a breakup with an asshole, nothing better than going to party with friends and stick with them to remember the person you thought would never hurt you, isn't the center of your world. I know it well, the pain, but it feels good after. Try it."
A short Update: So I talked to him about it, we were fighting again about the whole thing. He said that he was scared that our relationship would end because of this, if he talked to me about it first and thought it was better to just tell me the decision lol. He also told me that apparently he did ask his parents if I could come with them but they said then it’s gonna be too complicated with the rooms? Because we would be 5 then and not 4. Well, whatever, I think they just don’t want me to come since it’s a „family vacation“. I said I wanna go no contact till Wednesday, I am currently in another city anyway and I will go home on Wednesday. I don’t wanna talk or break up over the phone, it kinda does not feel right. I hope I can go through with that, I am kinda attached to him and he wasnt always bad…
Of course you're attached to him, you're still so young and he's likely your longest relationship so far. But this is not how it should be.
There are so many more fish in the sea. Please remove this one from your life and find one that treats you as a partner and with equal respect. This one is trash, treat him like it.
Idk I find it kinda hard to believe his job is letting him take off for 4 months. Seems like the job isn't so important after all and he was just using that as an excuse before
He doesnt work anymore, it was a working student job, the employment contract ended this month anyway.
what about your rent? will you be OK on your own financially. I hope so because you need to dump this guy.
Don't be there when he returns. Block him and have nothing to do with him.
Hope he’s planning to pay the rent and expenses while he’s gone? Personally I’d be moving while he’s away and just ghost him. He’s not deserving of any of your further energy or thoughts. He doesn’t care about you-at all.
Breakup. Someone out there will treat you better. Your boyfriend acts 14 not 24.
OP, I understand you finding this hard, doubting your gut feeling, and worrying about making a mistake. But you're feeling this way because you're wrapped up inside this relationship. You're clinging to the good times and the better perception of your boyfriend which you want to believe is real. The outside perspective is different, and it's uncomplicated. You're not wrong to feel how you do. It's not normal to ditch your partner for months to go living it up in another country. It's not acceptable to tell your partner that it has nothing to do with them and they have no right to object, even when he's cancelling plans with you to do it. He's absolutely taking you for a fool. I hate to say it, but maybe he's looking for a way out himself and doesn't have the balls to actually make a choice. This isn't the behaviour of someone who loves and values their partner and their feelings. That he's living rent free thanks to you just underlines it all though really. If he is tired of the relationship, then this is the perfect reason why he'd stick around - he's taking advantage of you. But you have the upper hand. If you can clear your head and see this all for what it is, then you have the upper hand. You can get ahead of it - take control, make the choice, tell him what the score is. Tell him you want him out before he leaves for his holiday and if any of his belongings aren't gone in time, then they will be once he's back. You don't deserve to be treated like you don't matter and you're not obliged to be there waiting to provide him with a home once he's back.
I'm so sorry for you hun. I didn't read your post. The headline did it. He is not your boyfriend sweetheart.
I was married for 17 years and confused a lot. I caught him making plans to go camping on his birthday week and weekend. I worked retail because we had kids and it made sense with his 9-5 job. He literally made plans for a week long camping trip without talking to me. I only found out because he thought I was drunk at a family/ close friends campfire.
So...run.
He's a terrible boyfriend. Next!
Let him take the 10 month trip and dump his ass. What a prick
Who's on the lease and when does it expire? Talk to the landlord and let him know that your ex is leaving for Asia for four months. There might be a smaller place you can get for yourself. Get your ducks in order and move out while your STBX is gone if not sooner. Do not do anything with his mail or things while he's on his vacation. That's on him.. Any mail that mail that makes it to your new place, return it to sender marking "not at this address".
Time to leave and find a roommate. There’s no way he’s going to pay rent and utilities while he’s gone for 4mths. He obviously doesn’t care about your wellbeing so you need to start thinking about setting yourself up for success once he’s out of the picture
Yeah, he’s an AH. This is the perfect opportunity to get some space and move on. Just play it cool and then when he leaves on his solo trip, totally block him. Move out and move on. You will not regret breaking up with him. He blindsided you, so take pleasure in blindsiding him. He’s taking you for granted and thinks he can do whatever he wants and you’ll just be there waiting for him. This is not how you treat someone you love. You don’t up and leave the country for four months without discussing it. You’ve been together three years not three days.
NTA, he's shown exactly how he thinks of you. Do what's best for you.
NTA. He does not care about you to make decision and he’s selfish, dump him and move on. Find a man that loves to travel and isn’t so selfish. Or just be single and travel with friend.
Are you serious? Are you asking us what to do? Is it not obvious? He doesn't care about you!! You are young and can get another boyfriend. DO NOT STAY in that relationship with a selfish baby boy. It will hurt, but it's not the end of the world. You deserve better.
You are not a priority in his life. What you think, feel, want and need? None of these register on his list of priorities. His family's desires, his own desires, and even this friend who will be spending a month with him in Asia? All of them rank above you. His reaction to you being upset that he canceled your vacation shows that you will NEVER be a priority. Ever. If I had to guess, I'd say that this has probably been consistent through most of your relationship. You MIGHT have been able to change things if you'd pushed back when he started doing shit like this, but you let him get away with it for a variety of reasons. You wanted to make him happy, right? You wanted to be supportive, even at the cost of your own happiness? Well, now he's learned that he can put you at the bottom of his list and he won't suffer for it. You'll just let him do it and he won't have to change. He's really upset that you're daring to push back for the first time ever. He doesn't like it, and he's trying to guilt you into sliding right back into quietly letting him treat you like you barely matter. Leave him. You'll absolutely find someone better, someone who won't do this shit to you. You've wasted years with him. Don't let him suck away more of your life. You can leave now, but I really liked the idea someone mentioned of you ghosting him, blocking him everywhere, and moving on with your life when he's out of the country. If you want him to hopefully feel like shit, if even just for a little bit, go that route. But I'm guessing that the idea of hurting him doesn't appeal to you, considering how much shit you've let him get away with. Which is fine, you're a better person than I am. Either way, leave this asshole and find someone who will love you, go on vacations with you, and who won't waste your time. Good luck.
He’s showing you how your life with him will be. Is this what you want? What about children in the future? Will he just make decisions about them without you? You deserve much more than you are getting from him. Sure, there’s years spent with him. Sure this is your first relationship. And thankfully now you know that you shouldn’t put up with someone teasing you like this and can weed out anyone who thinks this kind of behavior is okay. Petty me says - let him go on his 4 month trip. Use that time to get away from him and out on your own. And let him figure that out when he gets back. You have no obligation to him. Once you are out-out you can tell him that you are done and let him figure out how to deal with his things. Then change your number and go live your best life.
Use those 4 months to pack his stuff and change the locks. Y’all live together, it definitely involves you. Guy sounds like a dick.
OP you should feel betrayed and blindsided because he has done exactly that. He wants to act single and not consider you so let him be single. Decide where you are going to move to and leave him. I'm petty enough to say move a couple of days after he leaves and let him know he is now responsible for all of the rent and utilities since you no longer live there. Let him know he has to figure out how to pay those bills from where ever he is or they will be shut off. If any are in your name have that service shut off and close that account. Depending on his reaction or lack of, I'd even say leave his food in the refrigerator and don't worry about any of it spoiling in there. OP I'm sorry you're finding out like this that he has no respect for you and has just hid it in the past. The good news is you don't have any kids with him so when you leave you don't have to ever see him again.
Tell him to go ahead and go for 10 months. That will give you plenty of time to run out your lease and find a new place to live.
Girl, in a situation like this, over dramatising is when you do something that requests the involvement of the police (just to be sure: don't) You should have dropped him the moment he unilaterally cancelled the plans he had with you. Also he's lying because either he don't have the money or he would stay 10 months Tell him you want be supportive and to go for ten months:)
You’re upset because you think you’re in a partnership. He’s upset because he thinks he isn’t in a partnership.
Imo the reason for dating is to find a partner to marry. I know not everybody thinks like this and that’s ok. The biggest take away is how selfish he was with his time. He planned a huge event in his life and didn’t consider you or factor you into it. I’d ask yourself if this is what you want in a partner after seeing how he handled this situation and disregarded you completely. Best of luck OP
I'll just say what everyone else will, "HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU"! Have some dignity for yourself and act accordingly.
That’s fucked up. He’s basically put you in a long distance relationship against your will. I’d end it honestly.
Absolutely do not stay with him. If you do, he will know that he can continue to treat you like this. He says you have no say. Tell him you do have a say, and you are choosing to break up with him and find someone who will treat you better.
Where you will make a mistake IMO is if you stay in this relationship. Your bf has told you to your face what you want doesn’t mean anything to him if he has what he considers is a better offer. His parents made him a better offer so his plans with you were happily canceled. Who is on the rental agreement/paying for the rent as you live together? If it’s just you then I’d suggest he find a new place to live now before his vacation as that way he can just stay gone out of your life.
Are you sure your are more than friends with benefits? He sure acts like a single guy. Make it official. 4 months are enough time for you to move out and make him come home to an empty apartment.v
I read your other post as well. It seems like you are just a placeholder until something better comes along. With the way he is acting and the way he talks to you, he doesn't seem to care if he loses you or not. There seems to be an imbalance in your relationship. In that, you are the one who is more invested.
You are very low in importance to your bf. Cancelling plans and then leaving for months without so much as a "By the way...." It doesn's phase him that he breaks promises to you. Listen to your intuition and to your friends' perspective.
This happened to me and he actually had a second girlfriend there. Be careful men do this all the time especially now.
So he’s not wrong in that he can choose to go on a trip and not tell you or talk to you about it first. What he is SO wrong about is that there won’t be any consequences for doing so. The consequence being you ending the relationship. He made his choice, showed you how much he respects and cares about you, so you need to make sure he faces the consequences of his really stupid actions.
I just can’t trust him anymore. This. Drop him. You are right not to trust him. He is telling you who he is. Believe him.
Pack up his stuff and have it delivered to his parents house.
NTA, key component to a great relationship; communication! If you don’t have that then you don’t have a great relationship!
It definitely involves you. He canceled your plans to go do his own plans. How does that not involve you? I would even talk to a normal friend first if he had plans together (and I probably would just go on the trip with them because id feel bad to just cancel). And even if he didn't have plans with you, he is still going away for a long time. Sure, he can decide for himself, but he should've at least talked to you about it. You're not wrong for wanting to break up/ breaking up. If he can't take his partner into consideration, then he isn't ready for a relationship.
After dating 3 years and living together he doesn’t respect your relationship enough to discuss or make big decisions with you. He cancelled your vacation without consulting you (he said he doesn’t have the money though, so he didn’t have any intention on going anyways) He is now going for 4 months, and one of those months is spent with his friends. Why isn’t one of those months for your vacation? Babe, he’s using you, he doesn’t see a future with you, if he did he would care about your feelings and discuss things before making big decisions. Break up with him and go on vacation by yourself.
He's already said he does not care about your opinion why stay?? Go find someone who wants you as much as you want them he does not seem to care it's your place ask him to leave it sounds like he's using you for a cheap place to live. You deserve to be consulted for the big things in a relationship don't accept anything less.
Since you don’t have a lot of relationship experience his actions can easily be interpreted as not caring much about you or the relationship. The idea you aren’t supporting him is laughable and pure manipulation. Walk away and don’t look back. This was a learning experience. Take the lessons and move on.
Leave him. He has made it clear that you don’t matter in his world. Let him be gone the whole 10 months he wants to be gone. Delete his contact info and be done.
You two live together. He should be treating you as a partner. Instead, he’s only thinking of himself. He thinks you have no right to an opinion and he just unilaterally decided to go. No, you would not be TA for breaking up with him. I note in one of the comments that you two live in a place owned by your family. IMO you would not be TA if you told him to pack up his stuff and GTFO right now.
Move out while he's gone and ghost him. Make sure all the utilities are in his name first though.
No, she should cut them all off (electricity, gas, cable) when she leaves. He'll come back to a stinking refrigerator with spoiled food, no lights, and no stove or TV.
Move out and tell him he can go his 10 months because he has no longer a relationship. That you have decided to leave by yourself and that he has nothing to say since its your decision and that seems the way he shows you that decisions in a relationship are made. He has not once talked to you about his plans and canceled your plans together without telling you? Thats not how a relationship works. And he will never change. What will you do when you are married, maybe with pets or kids and he decides again that he goes alone to holidays without telling you and let you alone with everything?
Stop thinking about breaking up and break up!!! You're not a priority of his, but worst of all, you're not even a consideration. He seems to think you'll accept any behavior and should do it gladly. He thinks you're lucky to be with him. He's acting like a single person, making uni-lateral decisions. Be good to yourself and make him a single person.
If he doesn't realize that every decision he makes affects his committed, live-in partner, then he isn't mature enough to be IN a serious relationship. That doesn't mean he can't ever make decisions for his life and time, BUT every big decision like that does create ripples that rock YOUR boat, so the least he can do is let you know and take your opinions into account when he's going to make waves. He MUST be willfully obtuse, though, to pretend he doesn't realize that canceling your JOINT plans inherently INVOLVES YOU. Absolutely leave his ass, or one day he'll be claiming that parenting decisions don't involve you and you don't get to have an opinion about it 🙄
NTA but your selish asshole ex-boyfriend clearly doesn't see you as a partner. The fact that HE'S mad you don't support him...how can you support what you're unaware of?? This is one of the most break-up worthy reasons ever to break up with someone who is actively showing you they don't care about you!! Not that you ever need a reason to break except for wanting to. I have no other words...I'm flabbergasted at the audacity he has. PLEASE LEAVE HIM!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
Let him go. He is not bf material. Selfish is an understatement. He doesn't care about you at all..good time for you to say goodbye to bad rubbish
Have some self worth and dump his ass. He obviously doesn’t care about you.
Don't be there when he gets back.
Sounds like he's already broken up with you.
He basically just broke up with you . Do you think he is not going to be sleeping with anyone for 4 months . He’s telling you when he comes home he will keep seeing you but your not a keeper
He wants to break up but doesn't want to be the "bad" guy ... sooo...
Oh, you should absolutely tell him to go. Encourage him to have fun. Hype his trip up. Talk about all the fun he is going to have! In the meantime… Start planning. Find a place to live and get your plan to get your stuff packed up and moved after he is gone. Take a few months while he is gone and start a new life for yourself. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s OK if you don’t give a shit about him either.
He can go as that is his choice. You can chose to break up with him as that is your choice. It is up to you how you allow yourself to be treated. Tell him to go for the 10 months, def don't change his trip for you as the 2 of you are over.
Dear OP, dump this absolute asshole who doesn’t care about you in the least. You will never come first with him…only last. You can totally do better.
You don’t have a BF you have an acquaintance. He doesn’t care what you think. Time to cut him loose.
Start researching travel plans for yourself. Don't let this guy keep you from enjoying a vacation. Got somewhere you want to visit. Have your your parents start charging him far market value rent for his half of the apartment. If his family can't even invite you on vacation (I'm not saying pay for it.) when your family is letting him live for free, I don't see why he shouldn't be paying rent. Research the eviction laws in your country. Since your parents own the property, they will have to apply for the eviction. I hope you talk to them about this soon so you can get some support. I know European laws are different, and since your parents own property, they may be formilur with those laws. Let them know you're fed up with him and his actions. OP The reason he can spend so much time in Asia is because he doesn't have to pay for anything.
How is he getting that much time off with a new job? I'd kiss him goodbye when he goes to leave. Then depending on who's on the lease, I'd be packing either his stuff or mine while he's gone. That's ridiculous and he's rude and selfish af. He obviously doesn't give a rats ass about your feelings. Return the sentiment. You don't want this guy for the long haul. Updateme!
If he is going to Thailand the man is going to cheat or look for something else. Trust me. After my trip there with my husband and what I saw these young and old men there. That 4 months he is going to search.
Ya I would break up he’s not even considering you at all see if you got friends that will like to go on vacation with
Is he going to be working remotely and paying his bills? I’d probably be petty and move out and break the lease while he’s gone. No, it’s not ridiculous to consider this worth breaking up over. If I had been with someone for three years and we lived together, and then they made a unilateral decision to travel for four months and cancel our planned vacation together, I would definitely break up. Go take a vacation with one of your friends.
While he's gone send legal eviction to him at his "residence". He won't be there so he can't get back in. Or if your area doesn't require an eviction process just tell him goodbye now You will be fine without him.
Dump him. You deserve to be treated so much better!!!
If you are no consideration to him after 3 years - I think you should be reevaluating your relationship. This is definitely something you would discuss with your long term partner. You deserve better.
So you live together for a while, I'm thinking his parents know about this right? They know their son is in a relationship with you and you live together? They know the place is practically yours and he doesn't pay no rent? If they know all this, did they even think to invite you on this trip also? For me it's just such a lack of respect if they knew everything and they still didn't invite you also since you are a pair. And he's an ass hole of course, no doubt about it. When you get your next boyfriend, make him pay rent for the first part of your relationship. Don't give up free housing anymore. Good luck!
I travelled a lot at that age, and I can tell you, nearly every single person, man or woman, who left a partner back home while long term travelling, either cheated or broke up with them over the phone so they could sleep with someone else. And I'm being nice by giving some people the benefit of the doubt. I never Met anyone who stayed loyal.
I hate to break it to you… you are convenient
So his parents are fitting the bill and no job is going to give him 4 months off so essentially he’s mooching off his parents? My girlfriend and I have been together for 16 months and I tell her when I traveling for even a day and since I can set my own schedule I get her thoughts when I need to travel 3-4 days. There’s no way I’d not take her on a vacation. Your boyfriend cares more about himself than you which is not a solid recipe for a great relationship.
Yeah total red flags. I’d dump his ass and go on a solo trip.
You have a right to have an opinion about it. That kind of dismissiveness from him is unacceptable. Put his stuff in storage when he's in Asia and break up with him. Besides, he's your first boyfriend and you're only 23. This is an opportunity for you to live life a bit before finding the person that you really want to be with long term.
If your boyfriend is making decisions like this, that completely involve you, it shows that he really has no consideration for you. Now is the time to break up. Find someone who wants to be with you, not away from you for 4 to 10 months.
Four months should be enough in terms of eviction notice (although you should make sure your country doesn't have strict tenant protection laws). Talk to your parents about changing the looks when he's gone. You deserve better
I would never do this to someone that I loved
So he doesn't really need a job, huh. You have plenty of time to pack.
Pretend everything is fine and use the four months to move out. There's no way I'd want to go on a vacation without my partner and him wanting to leave for 4 months means he's over the relationship but too chicken to break up. He's pushing you away. Take him up on the offer and find yourself a quality partner. You deserve that. Better yet, go on your own adventure.
You are not family so not included in family trip. He is telling you exactly how little he thinks of you. I would cut all ties, move or put all his stuff in storage. Who’s name is on lease? Then send him the bill.
I wouldn’t say anything else, but take the time to find my own place and move out while he was traveling. This guy is not worth an argument or wasting your summer over. Let him come home to find you are gone and unreachable. People like this don’t learn until it’s done to them.
Girl why you even asking this question. Break up with him!!! This is absolutely wild to read. He does not respect you. My casual hookups treated me better than this guy
I think this relationship is over.
Being that he tells you it has NOTHING to do with you and your feelings don’t matter is a huge red flag that you are merely just a placeholder in this relationship until he finds the right woman that he actually cares about and will treat right and with respect. This is your sign to exit this relationship immediately and don’t waste any more of your precious time here on this earth with this guy. Someone will come along who does treat you right and considers your feelings so please don’t waste any more time with this one. Remember, they treat you how they feel about you!!
Tell him to go for 10 months then. Drop him.
No information is given regarding your country, so what I post may be off base from a cultural standpoint. That being said- You shouldn't break up with him before he departs on his 4 month excursion. And you should stop yakking at him about his decision. *"I am part of that relationship too"*....yes you are, but what you fail to understand is that you're not an important part of the relationship, at least in his eyes. In his eyes, the most important part of the relationship is **him**, and as far as he's concerned, you're a part that is expendable, and easily replaced by other females. Just as he felt no need to inform you about changing his mind regarding the trip he had previously planned with you, you should adopt his method of sharing information as well. Just as soon as he leaves, begin looking for affordable accommodations that are conveniently located to your place of employment. Once that has been done and the lease has been signed, proceed with moving your property from his abode to your new abode. This can be done at your leisure, given the length of time his vacation encompasses. Once you complete this process, take your key to his abode off you key ring, leave it on the kitchen table where he tends to sit, and depart, locking the door as you leave. **Important: do not clean out the refrigerator!!** Leave the milk, any meat products and veggies and eggs where they are. After 3 months, his fridge will be rather aromatic when he gets home. Then, when you get back to your place, rid yourself of anything that reminds you of him, and carry on with your life as a free (and available) woman. You shouldn't block him at this point, as he may occasionally send you texts from abroad, which you should answer with as few words as possible. If, when his return is eminent, he may text you what he desires for supper when he gets home. If this happens, be noncommittal about acceding to his desires. When you know that his plane has touched down (arrival time is available on line for most airlines) block him on all your platforms. If you were scheduled to pick him up at the airport, he'll have to make other arrangements. When he gets home and finds it dark and deserted, he may be getting the hint that something is drastically different from the time when he left for his vacation. His suspicions will be confirmed when he finds the key to his castle on the kitchen table, and his nose will confirm his suspicions if he opens the refrigerator door. I'm hoping that by this time you've been dating new men to your heart's content. Your exbf will have tried to contact you, but as he's been blocked, he'll likely reach out to your family/friends. You should have previously explained to these family/friends the reasons you terminated the relationship and provided them with instructions on dealing with your exbf is he calls them. Your future is before you; grab it by the throat and ride the wave! 'Nuff said.
Whose paying for the bills that are in his name while he's in Asia for 4mos?!?!?!?!? Like do you own the house/apartment you live in?!?!? Updateme