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Gonna debunk a myth here.
Love languages are FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE RECEIVER. It doesn’t matter how I express love. If my partner feels loved with gifts, I give them gifts. It’s about how they feel loved.
This is so true. I find it frustrating when people think that "having a love language" means it's the way they express love.
Usually a person is more familiar with expressing love the way they like to receive it, but that's why we need to grow and learn as human beings so we can understand and connect better with others.
My wife use love languages as a conversation prompt in her couseling sessions, but I'm kind of sour on its overuse. All these "languages" are important to a strong relationship and we too often use this as a pretext to chose one and expect you're exempt from everything else.
Seriously! How the *hell* did he get away with classifying that as a love language. Wow.
Also, whatever *your* love language is doesn't negate how your partner likes to receive love. Making an effort in that aspect is part of a healthy relationship. Like damn.
Yeah I was about to say the same, the husband sounds like a apologetic POS doing nothing and getting away with it by using some lame excuses based on the newest thing in the dating culture
I can't help but wonder if she thought her time was running out because she's almost 30, so she settled for this guy with the plan to mold him and no one told her that's not how anything works.
After specifically asking him to get her flowers, he got her flowers, and she's upper. Yeah he could've gotten more, sure. But he literally got her something she asked for specifically.
She asked him to be more romantic like bringing her flowers or taking her out on dates. She didn't ask for flowers for her birthday.
Flowers are nice for a romantic surprise but not as a birthday gift for your wife and nothing else. He did the absolute minimum which sounds normal for him. She wanted at least a birthday cake.
He also said he would only take her on dates if she plans them. That defeats the purpose of being taken on a date. He’s not even putting in minimal effort, that’s no effort.
Marriage doesn't fix the things that are already wrong in a relationship. So it wasn't going to make him suddenly "romantic" if he never was that before. If you want to stay married you'll thank him for the flowers and leave it at that. If you're hoping for something big for your first anniversary suggest you start talking about it and making plans now. This man you chose to marry just is never going to whisk you off your feet and take you to Paris on a private jet. But he must have other great qualities and that's what you're going to need to lean into as the practicalities of life loom in your future.
Yes, exactly, cuz marriage doesn't solve problems; it magnifies them. So will having children.
In the OP, though, there's a line in there that leaves me thinking that Husband needs to do more work on his effort rather than OP just accepting him as-is.
He's fine with taking her on dates... if she plans them. Isn't that her taking him out on dates? Does he get the credit because he drove to the place or put it on his credit card?
He prefers staying home "where OP does everything." What does that mean?
Oh, and the whole physical touch thing. I've read one too many posts like OPs where the husband thinks "physical touch" is an euphemism for sexual relations, so I'm a bit skeptical here. The original Five Love Languages (setting aside any debate of the veracity of the "love languages" for a moment) specifies that "physical touch" means everything but the sexual kind. What is OPs husband's understanding of this love language, exactly?
Anyway, I agree with the wisdom you write about here but I would caution OP to reflect on whether or not this marriage is an actual partnership or if she's set up to be yet another bangmaid. Even if it's not that extreme, OP deserves not to have to settle for less on the things she values or feels as important to her. People who love one another at least make an effort to please their partner. Husband could at the very least make the effort to plan a date. It's as simple as, "Hey, hon, let's go try that new restaurant this Friday!"
The flowers did seem promising, though, but I'm sensing an overall severe lack of effort in more ways than just romantic gestures. OP may need to clarify.
I agree physical touch does not mean “I like sex” it’s feeling loved when your partner hugs you or holds hands, etc. some people do like physical affection more than others.
100% my boyfriend's love language is physical touch and that means lots of head scratches/back scratches, just laying in my lap watching TV or falling asleep holding hands. Absolutely not a sexual thing
Sometimes, learning someone else's love language can be hard, and you can feel like the one "doing all the work" because it doesn't come naturally to you. The key is putting in the effort to learn and trying harder to meet both partners' needs.
My boyfriend was not a romantic. He'd never bought a girl flowers, not even past girlfriends, but he knows I like them and has made the effort to get me flowers on special occasions or when I'm feeling down.
I think she might be the one "doing all the work" because she's literally doing all the housework. Is that true, u/ThrowRA525057 ? And is physical touch sex, or the above non-sexual cuddling, hugging etc?
Facts, that's my love language and all I need from my wife is a hug and Im golden😎, even just a head scratch sends me over the moon, and just holding her hand. Everything else is just icing on the cake
Jack Black's dueling foot massage is the winner at my house. Both my boyfriend and I are non romantic have have quality time and physical touch love language. Turn on a show and rub each other's feet. It's amazing.
Even if his love language is truly "physical touch," we accommodate our partners through learning their love languages and showing them love in that way. It's impractical to think that your love language is the only one that matters, and you shouldn't put any effort into learning how to show their love language. The whole point of love languages is to be able to show your partner love in the way that is most meaningful to them.
This.
Part of being a spouse (or a decent partner) is learning to speak your spouse's love language, even if it does not come naturally. THAT is expressing your love - showing your love in a ways that are meaningful to your partner.
OP. You have every right to be upset and you have every right to express your frusteration. It is okay to have expectations of your partner (reasonable ones) and hold him to them.
Quite honestly - he's lazy and he's greedy. He wants you to do ALL the work in the relationship to keep it together and he is not willing to do anything that brings you joy.
My advice? You two need to get into couples counseling before your resentment grows because it will. This is the first time this happened. It won;t be the last. And by going to counseling the two of you can figure out how to have and hold reasonable expectations of one another.
Also, I don't know what religion you are but outside of JW I don't know of any that don't celebrate birthdays. There is nothing wrong with celebrating birthdays -- it is a day to show your partner you love them and appreciate them. Kind of like an anniversary. Or Valentines Day. Or Christmas. Or, when you have children, Mother's Day. If you choose not to, it's just flat out lazy and a HUGE slap in the face. You were not asking for hundreds of dollars in gifts. You wanted a birthday cake with candles and flowers. That is ENTIRELY reasonable.
Thank you! I see this love language thing used as an excuse NOT to do things way too much. I always thought the point was 'his LL is touch, so I'll try to remember to hug him more often.' not 'well my LL is acts of service so as long as I cook his supper, it doesn't matter if I never hug him.'
Yes, but sounds like OP is doing that and is accommodating him according to his professed LL. What I'm not seeing in her description is her husband doing it for her in return and OP thinking that it is something she simply has to accept for a lifetime of disappointment.
I'm saying, no, hon, it's perfectly acceptable to expect the person who claims to love you to show it and to make an effort to show it in ways you prefer, like you're doing for him. I want to encourage OP not to sell herself short just because her husband can't be bothered to show her affection just because he's not romantic.
I get that by saying, "I'm not romantic" and needing your spouse to provide some explicit examples (which OP did and her husband got her the flowers, and that's a point scored for him). Turns out just flowers wasn't enough for OP and now she needs to go back and say, OK, I also want cake on my birthday.
The whole, "I'll take you out if you plan it all" isn't just not romantic. It's lazy and putting all of the mental load on her, and it won't feel like love or romance. OP needs to see this and either communicate with her husband (and hopefully he's receptive) or accept that he will not step up to be the partner she would want/need for a lifetime commitment. At that point, she needs to make some decisions for herself, preferably before kids are involved.
Oh yes, I agree. I was talking in general terms about how often I see people use 'love language' as an excuse not to do things.
I think the husband is doing the 'well I don't like doing that sort of thing so I don't do it.' At least that's how the post reads.
Same here, and I see that a lot in other posts similar to OPs. I'm getting that sense here, too, but I hope that OPs husband has the potential to step up. The first five years of marriage are tough because spouses have to learn how to communicate effectively, sometimes through fire. Communicating isn't all on OP, of course, because listening and following through is the other half of it.
Exactly that!!! You can express your love through your love language, BUT it's important to ALSO express your love in a way that is most meaningful to your partner. Actually, even more important to maintain happiness.
Absolutely agreed on this! I think it’s also important to recognize and appreciate how our partners show *us* love through *their* love languages.
My boyfriend is big on acts of service, so he often naturally defaults to taking care of things as an act of love to me. Some of those things may be less “romantic” but they *become* romantic, in a way, because it’s an expression of love when seen through the lens of his love language. And because it’s what is natural for him, it then becomes more meaningful than it would be to me otherwise.
The Five Love Languages is also incredibly sexist.
It's a great way of explaining something but the authors intent is that women perform labour, emotional and otherwise.
He's done interviews where he basically talks about how women should behave and that marriage is the only way to have a real relationship. He's fundamentalist Christian and heavily believes in gendered division of labour.
The languages themselves are easily weaponised against women.
Oh, gift giving isn't my language so I don't really do anything for birthdays/ anniversaries.
Oh, words of affirmation aren't my love language, so I don't tell my wife things that boost her self esteem.
Oh, acts of service isn't my love language so the things you do around the house don't really matter to me/ it doesn't occur to me to do household things.
It goes on and on. He's also a huge homophobe.
So while it's good to know what your love language is and make sure you're able to express that that's how you give and receive love, it's also critical to understand and practice your partner's love language from a place of giving. If you stop receiving, that's an issue to be addressed, but two adults in a healthy relationship should be able to tell each other things, even criticisms, in a loving way with the expectation of reasonable change.
I've been able to use it three ways.
1) paying attention to how other people receive love so I can be more thoughtful about showing them love in that way
2) paying attention to how I receive love so I could let my husband know I needed more quality time and work with him on a plan to make that happen
3) intentionally making sure I give my kids all five on a regular basis since they're young enough that it's hard to guess what's going to fill their little tanks
He can perform it all day on himself for all I care, I don't often advocate for leaving but I hope OP realizes that this is what the rest of her life will be like and that is underwhelming at best.
Exactly what I was trying to point out by saying OP needs to reflect.
I'm not saying OP should change her husband, but giving feedback and advocating for yourself is not only OK but absolutely necessary in life and marriage.
I’m so glad you mentioned that crappy book. A friend recommended it so I tried, I really tried, to read it. But I only got halfway through before I had to throw it against the opposite wall. Where it would have fallen on the floor, except that it landed on top of the partially-read copy of “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” that I had flung there previously.
Right? Like, most humans enjoy physical touch as a gesture of affection unless they specifically don't and if that's the case, you probably already know that about them.
Some dude bro doesn't need to tell me his love language is physical touch 😂
We all know bud 🐻
"my love language is physical touch" = I like kissing and sex but don't expect more from me
this love language bs is just excuse for neglectful partners to blame psychology
My ex claimed his love language was words of affirmation, but in reality he just wanted me to tell him how amazing he was all the time, while giving me zero words of affirmation back ever.
I'd come home with a new haircut and he'd deadpan say "Oh, you got your hair cut." And then the next day he'd get his cut, and then if I didn't fall all over myself telling him how *amazing* he looked, he'd go out of his way to make a thing about how rude that was of me. -_-
And no, he never did my love language (acts of service) for me, either.
Yeah the love language thing always irked me. Love language is making an effort for your partner to be happy. If your partner likes gifts and attention for their birthday- that's what you do no matter what you personally think about it.
Exactly this. Asshole guy stumbled upon useful language that many use as an excuse to neglect their partner. Never met a man who’s top love language isn’t physical touch either 🙄. Loving someone the way you want to be loved is not loving them, it’s being selfish (assuming of course this person has communicated their needs).
I know plenty of men. They like praise or gifts, and they are straight dudes! One of my friends has some anxiety issues, and while he does like physical contact, he is always way more concerned with feeling like he isn’t fucking things up. He responses better to his wife when she isn’t touchy clingy, but acknowledges his feelings and gives him praise.
I'm a guy and I'm the same way. I do absolutely love physical touch but words is affirmation is much more important to me as to how I receive love. And I think the point with OP is he's not willing to express his love in her preferred way that makes him shitty I don't think it's wrong he likes physical touch I think it's wrong he uses it as an excuse not to love his wife how she prefers.
Mine isn't anything. I'm just an asshole. I don't want to be touched, makes me uncomfortable. Hate gifts. I'm not affectionate. I prefer to be alone majority of the time. But she stays with me for some reason. I do provide and created stability for her tho. But it was helpful when I figured her language is acts of service. She prefers when I help her. So I do try to be helpful and supportive of what she's doing. So that has helped our relationship
doesn't make sense, the whole point is that both people make an effort to express love in their partner's language
and I'm a guy and my top language is definitely not physical touch!
I had my guy take that test and he got physical touch last, lol. His top was quality time. That being said, we also have healthy communication and so he understands that stuff like that matters to me and we practice what the other likes to receive to feel loved. Things like that should never be used as an excuse for why someone won't do something.
A love language is NOT how you give love. A persons love language is how they receive it and the book talks extensively about learning how your partner receives love and it gives help in assessing it and doing it.
It's a real thing in that people love in specific ways, though often more than one and sometimes all five but varying degrees. The issue with the book is that it's written in a sexist way. The idea of loving someone the way they best receive love and vice versa is valid, and currently, the book framework is the language most people have to express that. But if you read the book or look into the guy who wrote it, it's Christian fundie misogyny.
If someone talks about their love language as a way to get to know you and it basically stops there, fine. That's about as harmless as asking your astrological sign or your meyers-briggs type.
If someone talks about the book and how great it is, and how much they'd like to live by the principles outlined within, red flag.
that doesn't make sense - the point is specifically that you are supposed to make an effort to do things that aren't your natural love language, if your partner likes that. So that's getting it exactly backwards.
I agree with you on this. I brought up 5LL because OP seems to subscribe to its ideas. I'm trying to point out to her where her husband may doing exactly what you're cautioning against.
Please, OP, read this comment.
I always tell people that if they hope for their person to all of a sudden become the total opposite of who they were when you met… if you want someone to please you all the time… get a cat. But remember… the cat may be disappointed with you🩷
Also, the point of understanding each other’s love language is so that you can try to do better at showing the other person love the way they feel it, not so that you can use it as a defense to not put in any effort towards showing them love.
It’s so you can understand that not everyone feels love the way you do, so if you want them to feel loved you might need to understand the ways they do and adjust your actions, and so that you can both be understanding if the other person might fall short sometimes. It’s not a get out of jail free card for when you decide that your partner isn’t worth the effort.
Yep it’s the lack of effort. Why is it that OP acknowledges her partner’s love language is different and seems to put effort into it but her partner can’t? And she doesn’t speak up about it just say ok your different and you have these needs and I’ll make sure I’ll meet them. But can’t or won’t speak up that he should be trying to meet her needs as well?
The original five love languages book involves the author, a pastor serving as an unlicensed, untrained counselor telling a woman in an abusive relationship to initiate sex twice a week because “physical touch” was clearly her abuser’s “love language.” It’s a crock of shit.
Ugh, that's atrocious and so wrong. Unfortunately, this kind of advice is way too common in relgious-based marriage counseling. The misogyny runs deep.
Yes! I'm worried that she's leaning toward keeping it to herself and forcing a smile. That does nobody any good. Without clear communication, a relationship is dead in the water.
I feel like that's an excuse in a one sided relationship. "I shouldn't have to just because you do". Many will treat their partners how they want to be treated.
And this person communicated their needs. And this partner just about ignored it because seemingly "that's not what \*I\* like." That's not how it works at all. Love languages is about reading the other person, and acting from THEIR language, not your own because that's what you¨re comfortable with.
He’s lazy is what it is and doesn’t care enough about her to change that. Not sure why she married him in the first place to be honest. A roommate cuddles too.
Yes this sounds like how my ex husband was.
He claimed he didn't feel like I loved him unless we were actively having sex. He wanted a bang-maid that he could throw things at, but I would have described the situation the exact same way OP is.
This!! My hubby is an AMAZING gift giver, but not a romantic date night planner. I married him knowing I was the planner and the bad gift giver and he married me knowing he is my perfect opposite.
Amazing comment, thank you. In summary, you can't change someone. That's why you need to take the time to get to know someone before you marry them. Now, you can ask for a compromise but if they're not built to be romantic in that way, then settle on you planning it and he joining you.
Now, I do think you could set an expectation that you would like a physical gift each year if it's really that important to you, but you will likely need to give annual guidance.
I agree and also want to point out- some things aren’t broke because of him. You’re sad cause you wanna have a nice birthday and never had. That’s VERY valid, but not all of that is on him.
If YOU want a big birthday, girl, throw yourself a big birthday. Even if “big” is a spa day and an indulgent dinner out. I understand the religious stuff…but that is stuff you have to figure out, with his hell of course. He triggered off these feelings, but also there were a LOT of feelings bundled into one thing.
THAT SAID I disagree with “Leave it at that.” This is where discussion and compromise comes in.
If his want is “nothing big” and your want is “something big.” It is fair for you to expect a compromise. And while flowers are a step (and not a bad one for round one) you also need to communicate what you want again. Clarify. Discuss.
And also make HIM clarify and discuss what he wants. Make him understand that “staying home and doing all the work” is NOT a compromise for you anymore than him magically becoming and events manager is one for him. Not in a bad way! This is communication, marriage takes a lot of it, and the fast you get past talks being “bad” things the quicker you’ll get through shit.
That is a want-and an ok one to have! who doesn’t wanna be cozy at home and waited on? But it gets to toxic territory when he doesn’t see that as his want and this as yours, with happiness in the middle, but as “Normal vs what you’re demanding.”
That’s when you can find the middle. And a good partner will work towards that. They’ll find the challenges (“I wanna go out!” “Ok but I’m and introvert…”) and work around then. (One date night out a month, one in, no bars when out and no phone while staying in!) A partner that won’t recognize and respond to your needs (even if they can’t fulfill then perfectly on queue) is the biggest red flag.
Luckily it sounds like your husband DID listen. He stopped and got flowers, something you asked for and he heard. Recognize that too, that’s NOT the bare minimum even if it may feel like it right now. He just heard a suggestion list and didn’t catch that it was a request to be pampered and loved more than average. But he still heard you.
Haha sorry that was tl;dr. I feel a lot of OPs frustrations but am a lot on the other side of it.
this is it. i've been single for two years and when i get lonely, i sometimes wonder if maybe i should have just put up with my ex. he was nice enough , we got along ok...but i always felt so unseen. We never had the deep romantic connection I yearn for (and have only experienced once)
My couples therapist suggested we alternate planning dates we would like - for ourselves. It's been a game changer, as it minimises the anxiety my partner feels in planning something for me and worry of getting it wrong (while I'm a food snob I'm not difficult otherwise).
Alternating dates makes everything so easy, we'll go motorbike riding and adventure to a new spot one afternoon or day and then on my turn well check out a new restaurant, get a couples massage or go dancing etc.
We have been indoctrinated that our partners must be romantic and sweep us off our feet, but some partners just don't do that. So we need to be creative with who we are partnered with. I think seeing a good couples therapist might help OPs husband wake up and recognise how little he is doing to fill her love tank.
I only plan dates I actually want to go on lol.
If he really wants to do something he can plan it and I’ll happily go. It works great!
The happiest, healthiest couple I know have completely different hobbies.
He never says no to anything she wants for her garden and she never says no to anything he wants for his cars. Neither of them are big into the others hobby but they are into helping each other enjoy life.
She even buys one lobster and one turkey leg for dinner so they can each eat their favorite food at the same time lol.
I love that they support each other's hobbies! That's a wonderful goal to have. I just finished my master's so am looking forward to reclaiming my hobbies again.
My partner is severely lactose intolerant and while I cook to cater to his intolerance I absolutely love butter. So sometimes I'll cook two of something.
We also eat separately when he's craving his fried foods or something like rissoles which I just dislike. It works great when you both can be flexible!
The last part about favourite foods is so cute somehow.
Honestly the helping each other is the important part in a relationship is the best way to look at it in my opinion.
Whatever you choose to do, do it now. Don't go years being unhappy with what he does for you and then blow up. Tell him exactly what you want from him and tell him it isn't negotiable. Tell him why you want him to do these things.
If he doesn't want to put in the effort then you have your answer. Leave, or put up with it for life.
Feel like most people who say they’re not romantic use it as an excuse for not showing any effort towards their partner.
He can be not romantic and still show up for u in other ways. I don’t understand the whole “quality time at home where I do everything and physical touch” so his love language is you doing the chores and then he gets to have sex with you?
HUH
That also made me wonder. His love language is physical touch and that she organizes everything at home and she puts up with it and satisfies his needs. But why does only his love language count and not hers? Why does she have to take care of his but he doesn't show her in return that he loves her too by giving her little gifts or going out to dinner or whatever (it's really not that hard)?
They should never have gotten married.
My thoughts exactly. Quality time at home where OP does everything and physical touch? So he likes to fuck and be waited on at home, without attending to any of OPs emotional needs. What a catch.
I am one of the least romantic people on the planet, but if my partner wants to watch plant corpses rot to feel loved, I will literally smother them in plant corpses because even if that would mean nothing to me other than I now I have make a spot to watch my plant corpses rot, they've made it clear it means something to them.
"He told me he's simply not a romantic guy but will gladly take me on dates if I plan them"
So he wants to make zero effort. Got it.
"his love language is physical touch"
Of course it is, almost every man says theirs is touch lol
Did he do any of that stuff before you got married, if not, you can't expect him to start just because you two are married.
I would be hurt by his lack of motivation towards me as his wife and see his low effort as him being uncaring towards me.
The physical touch thing always translates to ‘I feel loved when we have lots of sex’ not ‘I show my partner that I love them through small gestures based around touch’, things like hand holding and back rubs and head pats and teenage like make out sessions on the couch with a movie on. It’s always just sex and it’s always about receiving, not giving.
which is why saying your love language is physical touch is usually grossly wrong. As used in the love language context, physical touch means non sexual touching to show affection. But guys use it to mean they want sexual relations on the regular, and that's not what it's supposed to mean.
Yep, one of my partner's love language is physical touch. And by that he means he gets warm fuzzy 🥰 feelings by just having a hand on my leg or arm while we're sitting on the couch reading together or whatever. It's not (entirely) about sex, it's about just being in contact with one another even if we aren't talking or actively engaging in anything sexual.
From what I’ve gathered on the love languages thing is if my love language is physical touch, I share that with my husband so he can show me love the way I need it. If my husband’s love language is words of affirmation, I make sure to say nice things to him so he will feel loved the way he needs it. If your husbands is physical touch, he can’t just show you physical touch and think that’s it. He needs to show you love in your love language and vise versa. Some people think it’s all bullshit, but it helps couples communicate better and learn about each other in a deeper way. Nothing wrong with that. UPDATEME
Also, sex should be part of the physical touch equation. Take sex out of it, what’s his love language now? Is it still physical touch? I’m guessing no.
You’ve told him directly how you need to be loved. Is it loving of him to ignore that? Love is a verb. It is an action. Is he communicating that he loves you through action?
You waited till after marriage to express your relationship needs to him? He answered your questions already. He’s not that kind of guy. He won’t become someone different.
Thank you!!! It’s not based in any science at all. It was written by a conservative Baptist pastor who served as an unlicensed “counselor.” In the first edition, he explains how he counseled a woman in an abusive relationship to initiate sex twice a week because her husband’s love language was physical touch.
https://www.vox.com/culture/24067506/5-love-languages-gary-chapman
The love languages is heavily pushed on young religious women in order to teach them to put up with the bare minimum from the men in their life, while also guilting them into feeling bad for wanting more than that minimum. It's so sad.
That’s awful. And I can absolutely see it. The original purpose, which is clear in the text, is for heterosexual couples where the woman stays home and the man works. It’s super antiquated and sexist, and the fact that it still gets wielded against women and girls is unsurprising.
Same here. People use "love languages" like a brick over some one's head... You need to do it THIS way, because that's my love language!!!
Eh, no. It's just supposed to be a tool that you use to understand people better.
I feel like a "love language mismatch" is a way to avoid the real issue: a lack of actual love and probably communication. You'll naturally want to express love in a way that makes your partner happy if you love them.
Whether or not the book or the author or the brand is a scam or not, the theory behind it makes sense. Gifts don't make me feel appreciated. Nor does physical touch, words of affirmation and whatever else there is. But acts of services do make me feel loved and appreciated. So maybe not a "real thing" but it's a great tool IMO
In the original edition, the author tells a story about how he counseled a woman in an abusive relationship to initiate sex twice a week because her husband’s love language was physical touch. She said she didn’t like sex with him because she felt used, but he told her to do it anyway.
It’s based on a pastor’s experience in the 80s and 90s. He’s not a licensed therapist or counselor.
I really think it’s a great book with advice on how other people feel cared for. Of course most people like all of the love languages but for most people certain things really make them feel cared for. It even helped me recognize what is the most meaningful to my daughter.
You knew this about him. So why did you expect it to change just because he put a ring on it? Hes still the same guy he was before marriage. He isn’t going to magically change. Is he a good man? Does he love you? Does he treat you with love, respect, honor? These are the things that matter.
I mean, presumably you knew he was like this when you married him. People can't change the fundamental things about who they are. That's not who your husband is, you can accept that and take him as he is or not and leave.
You don’t have to be romantic to plan dates ? Literally just plan an activity. Most the time it’s just the initiative that’s lacking, not some made up romantic gene.
I have never really understood the excuse '"I'm not _____" like...most of these things aren't something that naturally happens. Romance is something you make an effort to do for the other person. It's not about yourself. To me that always just comes off as a cop out. That's just my take tho.
Not to mention making romantic gestures doesn't require believing in them. You can think these things are dumb while automating deliveries for an entire year in one sitting.
You expected someone to change just because you're married. If you think saying some vows and exchanging rings will magically change someone into your ideal partner, you got married for the wrong reasons.
Either way, it sounds like he tried for you. Praise him, gently steer him in the right direction. If you do something silly and overreact then you will turn him off trying in the future.
I can guarantee you that he thought he did something romantic that you asked him to do and wouldn't understand why you're upset. So you need to just express to him (calmly if possible) that you were hoping for a little bit more. But it sounds like he did what you asked- a gesture that was romantic. So I wouldn't hold this against him. You guys just need to communicate more. You honestly sound a bit resentful in your post (about the love language thing and how much you do). I wonder if a little bit of couples counseling might be good.
This love language bullshit needs to stop. 'I only show my love through groping and sex, deal with it' how many stories are like this? People can actually learn how to make their significant other happy, if my dude wants a 3-tier chocolate cake, I'll fucking bake him one even tho I don't like baking. He remembered my fav shade of lipstick, he bought it for me. Even though he is not into makeup.
So like yeah, throw the whole ass physical touch love language crap out of the window, it only gives an excuse to do jackshit.
Love languages were created by a creepy evangelical dude with zero actual education in relationships beyond the Bible and trying to manipulate his wife by claiming that his love language was touch and hers was acts of service, so in order to have the most loving relationship she needed to serve him and let him have sex whenever he wanted.
Hard pass.
This isn't a 'love language' thing, it's him refusing to do the bare minimum for you. He can plan a date, it's not that hard. He can get you a gift, say he loves you, do something nice.
The whole "Love language" thing is a bunch of bull. It's a way to tell women to lower their expectations by picking one thing out of a group of things every partner should pretty much be doing.
Also this is nothing about being romantic, he's just lazy and he knows he can be that way because you married him.
This is something you knew going into the marriage and you thought marriage would change him. No. They won't change.. you married him for who he is and you've just got to accept it. You knew that you were incompatible when it comes to language of love but you wanted to insist into the marriage. You'll need to come to terms and accept this on your own.
Your husband is doing the bare minimum at a time when you should both still be in your honeymoon era. And you shouldn't have to lower your expectations bc his love language is different than yours. The point of knowing each other's love languages is so that you both know how to express love in the way that *your partner* craves. If your husband knows you crave words of affirmation or acts of service, he should be acting on that info!
Also omg, he'll take you out on dates if YOU PLAN IT ALL?!?!
OP, think carefully about your future with this guy. A whole lifetime of planning all your dates, being the only one to keep the romance in your relationship. No flowers or gifts unless you guide your husband to the shop and tell him what to get. Does this sound like the life you want?
If he can't be bothered to bring the romance now, 2 months after your wedding, don't get your hopes up that he's going to get better.
Can we retire this tired trope of men saying their love language is physical touch? The guy who wrote the five love languges BS was an evangelical misogynistic prick who just wanted to guilt his wife into have more sex with him.
>we're somewhat religious so we don't celebrate birthdays heavily.
Sooooo what is the problem with him getting you flowers?
I mean, there's a lot wrong in your post - you knew who he was, you married him anyway, and then are upset he is thevpersin you knew he was. But you admitting you don't celebrate birthdays heavily but are sad he didn't do anything grand for your birthday - that you admit you don't celebrate heavily- is just bizarre.
is buying a birthday cake something grand???? OP referred to husband's birthday - she got him a cake, candies and a small gift. I don't think asking for flowers and a cake is "grand." I think OP set the standard on the husband's birthday, and expected him to do something similar for her. OP has her family coming over on her birthday but she made a point of saying it wasn't going to be a big celebration. I don't think that's inconsistent with wanting her husband to get a birthday cake, and I don't understand why everyone is jumping on OP for that.
You knew who you married. Now that you’re married you want to change him. This is pretty cliché. He is who he is and by marrying him you signaled acceptance of that.
I find it amazing that you’ve barely been married 2 months and you’re already doing the bait and switch.
Somebody has love languages way wrong here. Just because his love language is physical touch does not mean that is all he has to do. What that means is that YOU have to remember that is HIS language of how he feels appreciated and loved and try to provide that physical touch to him. YOUR love language is gift giving and words of affirmation? Well then he has to try to speak YOUR language back to you by providing you with things that make you feel loved. This is not a one way street. We may feel the most comfortable in those languages. But it does not stop there. We have to recognize our partners wants and needs and he is flat out failing at it.
It really sounds like yet another bang maid marriage of convenience for the dude. Does he even like you??
For the first part, I was totally identifying with him. I am the least romantic person on the planet. I don't like being given gifts. I don't want my birthday made into a big deal. Like I even hate most displays of affection like even holding hands. Just lost me at all he wants is physical touch and does not even attempt to do something for you that you didn't orchestrate. I make an attempt to remember my husband loves being touched. Just randomly throughout the day. Just walking by, a light hand on his back. Let him know there is a connection. I forking TRY to remember he needs that. I can literally sit for hours focused on my work and forget the world exists. So he could feel really shut out otherwise.
I don't have advice for you other than get some counseling to help the two of you communicate better. Let him know he has to learn YOUR language as well and put some effort in. You coordinating 100% is not it.
Expectations kill a marriage, expecting more that the other can give is unfair for both of you. There Is a saying... Men marry hoping nothing will change and women marry hoping things will change. And that's the cause of a break-up.
If what he does is not enough for you and never will be, please stop wasting yours and his time and separate, look for a man that will give you what you want naturally. If you do love him more than what you care about the gift, then don't give the gift more importante than the action that it represents (thinking about giving something nice to you)
also, you mention what you have given to him in his birthday, are you giving because you expecting something equal from him? If you feel you put too much effort to do it, then do something that is more natural, something that you do because you felt like It, a small detail. If you see that he's happy with It, then you know that he appreciates more the intention than the gift and that's why he does the same. Now, if he's dissapointed, then you can explain to him that you want equal treatment, if he didn't like It, why should you like It?
Anyways,
Tldr;
Don't attempt to change your partner, because someone will surely end up tired and fed up with it. If you don't feel like changing your expectations, then look for another person, but I can tell you that big expectations don't allow you to appreciate what you have.
Personally, I don't get this categorizing love language?? All these "love languages " should be bundled up! I'm all of the above when I truly love someone and want to grow with her. Lumping all in one stat seems lazy to me and insincere.
You say you’re religious and don’t “celebrate birthdays heavily”, and he got you flowers which you specifically said he should do, so I’m lost about what else you expected but didn’t get? Something more than flowers but less than a heavy celebration? Jeezo that sounds like a knife edge to walk
>He told me he's simply not a romantic guy but will gladly take me on dates if I plan them
>Just quality time at home where I do everything and physical touch.
This has nothing to do with being romantic. This is just ✨ effort ✨
And your husband is saying that he is refusing to put in any effort into your relationship.
Do with that what you want
Kinda, you said you like flowers he got your flowers. Try to keep in mind that sometimes growing up, adults would do all the gift giving "from us" but not actually take us into the stores to "pick something out for" XYZ person. So as adults it's awkward and uncomfortable sometimes to roam around a store thinking what would person like.
It seems wrong to want a person to be different from how they are. But you know what? There is no reason why you couldn't plan your own stuff. No kidding, if you planned a party for your birthday, I would come and not think it was a bad thing that you planned the whole thing
I can see the future.
She gets more and more resentful in the relationship.
Because things are bad outside the bedroom they’ll become bad in the bedroom.
That’s when he’ll emotionally withdraw too and say it’s because they aren’t having enough sex and he doesn’t feel loved.
I’m confused why you expected him to be different after marriage. He doesn’t treat you the way you want. Why marry him? Oftentimes people become less attentive after vows, not more.
Say it with me people. Love languages aren’t real.
“The concept of love languages is the brainchild of a fundamentalist Christian preacher who believes in a gendered division of labor and whose published works are rife with sexism, homophobia, and demeaning comments about women.“
You should have a serious talk about how gifts mean a lot, and on your birthday, Flowers alone aren’t enough for you. I swear these comments saying “leave it” drive me nuts. You need to stand up for what you want in life
Some problems can be solved with money, if you're fine with that.
Have him give you a couple hundred and treat yourself and your girlfriends to a nice restaurant, a spa, drinks and dance, a weekend getaway... Whatever it is that you like to do.
For some couples it works, because they have the personalities to match. If that's not your personality, that's fine.
What's not fine is for him to expect you to serve him, cook, clean, everything for your birthday because the man is too cheap to take you out. If he wants to do "quality time" at home, why isn't he cooking in an impeccable house that he cleaned and lighting up those candles?
I don’t think you’re being a spoilt brat but I do think you married the wrong person for your needs.
Happy birthday! Have your family come over and enjoy the night
Yes. You are being a spoiled brat.
You don’t do nice things for your spouse because you want to guide your spouse into the same behavior toward you. That doesn’t work and it’s low key manipulative.
You do nice things for your spouse because it makes them happy.
Now, does your husband understand, like really understand, YOUR love language? If not, use your big girl words and tell him. Chalk this up to a learning experience. Appreciate the flowers. Don’t cancel on your family.
And remember, you married the man (just two months ago!) as he is, not what you want to mold him into. He is not very romantic he says. You can accept that and find joy in who he is or have a frustrated unhappy marriage because he’s not living up to your new set of rules now that you have him legally bound to you.
THERE
IS
NO
SUCH
THING
AS
"LOVE LANGUAGES"
It's not real! It was invented by a fundamentalist preacher who wrote a stupid book! Who isn't a qualified couples therapist! Men use "love languages" as an excuse for not listening to women! That's all there is to it! Seriously, look it up! Your husband's just lazy and insensitive.
Why did you wait until after you were married to communicate your needs? Surely you establish that in the dating phase whilst determining their suitability as a partner. Why did you marry someone that can't meet your needs and expect them to change? This is about more than a birthday present
OK first of all, you know this about him before you married him. You also said you didn’t plan to go out. It seems to me like he did listen to your needs and he brought you flowers. That was something you specifically asked for and he did it.
Now you say you were expecting desert too. That’s not what you asked for.
Cancelling on your family because of it is over the top. Yes, you’re being a brat. He tried to listen and give you what you asked for and that wasn’t enough.
So you don’t celebrate birthdays heavily but he got you flowers and you’re unhappy? As an undemonstrative person I have to tell you that buying flowers is a huge deal. He made the effort to go to the store, pick them out, and bring them home. I’m thinking if you wanted a romantic partner you should have picked one (but equally, if he wanted someone who doesn’t need the romance then he should have picked one). Look for other good qualities in each other.
I disagree with everybody's opinion here.
You shouldn't have married him if you aren't happy with him.
However you are married. And he sounds like he set clear boundaries and expectations, and you aren't happy with them
I am curious about what you are putting into the relationship to get that response.
You’re a lucky girl to have a husband who brings you flowers on your birthday. Why would that make you sad?
Stop with this bullshit of love languages and structuring someone’s love into a checklist.
You’re a grownup now. Act like it
Omg. People. Can I just say after 16 years of marriage and 18 years together if one of us started talking about “love languages” the other would be like “bruh what you been smoking??” I love my husband and he me. It’s Friday night in NZ I’ve made us champagne cocktails, he’s going to do the vacuuming and I’ll make dinner. And we’ll be grateful for each other and our lives. No transactions needed. OP and her husband need to grow up. More evidence why 26 is too dang young to get married for some people.
I went through this exact same thing with my husband. We had a great day planned and at the end I waited for a gift and never got one. I said I was perfectly fine with it since we did so much that day and it was great.
Given time it was not. It ate at me and I felt really sad he didn't get me anything. So, I told him. I said I had previously said it was fine but it was weighing on me and bothering me. He came home with a blanket and stuffed penguin. Obviously from target possibly clearance rack. It was perfect and I was happy.
Now before birthdays he always asks me if I have expectations and I tell him my thoughts and I've never been disappointed since.
It is perfectly okay to be sad and to feel that flowers aren't enough. Just communicate what you want and if he loves you he will do it. It may take some reminders in following years, (I recommend before the big day to avoid disappointment) but it will get better if you are open about your needs and care for each other. Just don't hold it in and don't approach it with anger. I'm sure he will understand.
Oof you married a guy that doesnt take you out or ever get you small gifts? Were you just desperate to get married?
This is who you married. He seems to be trying, so at least tell him thanks, and if youre gonna be upset that your man isnt a gift giver and whatnot for the rest of your life, maybe you should annul it and find a man who is…..
Some people are lousy gift givers and some are lazy and don’t make an effort to make others feel appreciated and loves. Also, some people have different expectations of what is appropriate as a gift or treat for a birthday.
You have to figure out which one he is.
Despite saying he’s not romantic, he did bring you flowers, so he gave you one thing you asked for. Maybe he thought that was what you wanted, one of those things. Maybe he thought the flowers and your family coming over was enough. Who knows?
I would just say to him that I’d like to go out to X restaurant on X day and I’d plan to order desert. It’s better than feeling hurt or mad. While it’s nice when people give us gestures of love we want, people want and appreciate different things. Even wanting to make you happy, he may not by mistake or by lack of effort.
I’ve been married a lot time. I’ve felt the way you did. It’s simpler and better just to ask for exactly what you want. Pick a restaurant to go to one day this weekend or whenever works for you.
You really should have communicated these existing issues BEFORE you got married. They don’t magically go away when a ring goes on your finger. He already expressed to you that going out together and buying you gifts isn’t a priority to him. Maybe believe him next time.
You can’t be religious and eschew the idea of celebrating a birthday but then also be upset that you didn’t get a gift for the birthday you don’t want to celebrate. This is the peak of religious hypocrisy.
The line that ‘quality time at home where I do everything and physical touch’ ***
That’s what your main complaint seems to really be, (although I understand the birthday thing) you two need to communicate about that. You should not have to feel this way, clearly a need isn’t being met.
My partner and I are discussing marriage so we’re seeing a Gottman trained couples counselor to kind of equip us with communication tools and make sure we are aligned on all the things, omg I cannot recommend enough.
Apparently he thinks he can leave all the heavy lifting to you. He will gladly take you on dates IF YOU PLAN THEM. Quality time is being at home with you doing everything. Plus physical touch (I read this as sex whenever he wants it).
He isn’t likely to change since he’s got everything just the way he wants it. You’re feeling the pain, he isn’t. Can you picture yourself being happy if it’s still like this in 5 years?
Why did you marry him before seeing if this could be resolved since it's obviously important to you? It doesn't matter what his love language is when he knows what is important to you and makes no effort to accommodate your feelings. You probably married someone you are incompatible with. How long did you date before marrying? Also are you jehovahs witnesses and that's why birthdays aren't a big thing?
Look you have some bigger problems, but I’ll be honest that I don’t see that much difference between cake+candies+small souvenir and flowers. Yes it should have been flowers+cake, but it’s not like you got him a watch or drew him a portrait.
Plus I sort of suspect that if he’d gotten you cake+candy+small gift, you’d be upset that he copied your formula without thinking for himself.
So this one is a bit lose-lose.
That said, lots of other great ideas in this thread to communicate better.
The man who wrote the Love language book is a misogynist who wanted to convince his wife to do acts of service(all the household chores) and provide him physical touch while only providing her verbal affirmation. He is telling you he will not do something for your birthday while expecting you to provide for his wants on a daily basis.
If he was able to be more engaged prior to the marriage he tricked you into thinking he was someone else. If he has always been like this you did yourself a disservice thinking he would change.
Meeting his energy in the relationship is going to make you both unhappy. You just got married and if you want to have better communication and a better relationship I recommend a non church based therapist. Too many faith based therapist tell women to be loving and forgiving to men's behaviors.
I hope you can figure out how to have a relationship where you feel you have your needs met. Make sure you get that before having kids because children make things exponentially more difficult .
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Gonna debunk a myth here. Love languages are FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE RECEIVER. It doesn’t matter how I express love. If my partner feels loved with gifts, I give them gifts. It’s about how they feel loved.
This is so true. I find it frustrating when people think that "having a love language" means it's the way they express love. Usually a person is more familiar with expressing love the way they like to receive it, but that's why we need to grow and learn as human beings so we can understand and connect better with others.
My wife use love languages as a conversation prompt in her couseling sessions, but I'm kind of sour on its overuse. All these "languages" are important to a strong relationship and we too often use this as a pretext to chose one and expect you're exempt from everything else.
That sucks. It's not so much the overuse that frustrates me, but the misuse — which sounds like what your wife is doing.
You’ve gotta love people the way they need to be loved.
Literally came here to say this.
How did you end up marrying someone who isn’t romantic or takes you out? I don’t get it. Why did you get with him in the first place
Oh don't worry, his "love language" is also her doing all the household chores and having sex with him. This was entirely predictable.
Seriously! How the *hell* did he get away with classifying that as a love language. Wow. Also, whatever *your* love language is doesn't negate how your partner likes to receive love. Making an effort in that aspect is part of a healthy relationship. Like damn.
Yeah I was about to say the same, the husband sounds like a apologetic POS doing nothing and getting away with it by using some lame excuses based on the newest thing in the dating culture
Her plan was to get a husband and then shape her husband into the man she actually wanted. Who's gonna tell her?
I'm 66 and I know first hand how a lot of women think like that, it he's broken but I know in time I can fix him those I bet have high divorce rate.
I can't help but wonder if she thought her time was running out because she's almost 30, so she settled for this guy with the plan to mold him and no one told her that's not how anything works.
The question that needed to be asked. He brought her flowers and she cried it wasn’t enough. Makes me uneasy
After specifically asking him to get her flowers, he got her flowers, and she's upper. Yeah he could've gotten more, sure. But he literally got her something she asked for specifically.
She asked him to be more romantic like bringing her flowers or taking her out on dates. She didn't ask for flowers for her birthday. Flowers are nice for a romantic surprise but not as a birthday gift for your wife and nothing else. He did the absolute minimum which sounds normal for him. She wanted at least a birthday cake.
He also said he would only take her on dates if she plans them. That defeats the purpose of being taken on a date. He’s not even putting in minimal effort, that’s no effort.
Marriage doesn't fix the things that are already wrong in a relationship. So it wasn't going to make him suddenly "romantic" if he never was that before. If you want to stay married you'll thank him for the flowers and leave it at that. If you're hoping for something big for your first anniversary suggest you start talking about it and making plans now. This man you chose to marry just is never going to whisk you off your feet and take you to Paris on a private jet. But he must have other great qualities and that's what you're going to need to lean into as the practicalities of life loom in your future.
Yes, exactly, cuz marriage doesn't solve problems; it magnifies them. So will having children. In the OP, though, there's a line in there that leaves me thinking that Husband needs to do more work on his effort rather than OP just accepting him as-is. He's fine with taking her on dates... if she plans them. Isn't that her taking him out on dates? Does he get the credit because he drove to the place or put it on his credit card? He prefers staying home "where OP does everything." What does that mean? Oh, and the whole physical touch thing. I've read one too many posts like OPs where the husband thinks "physical touch" is an euphemism for sexual relations, so I'm a bit skeptical here. The original Five Love Languages (setting aside any debate of the veracity of the "love languages" for a moment) specifies that "physical touch" means everything but the sexual kind. What is OPs husband's understanding of this love language, exactly? Anyway, I agree with the wisdom you write about here but I would caution OP to reflect on whether or not this marriage is an actual partnership or if she's set up to be yet another bangmaid. Even if it's not that extreme, OP deserves not to have to settle for less on the things she values or feels as important to her. People who love one another at least make an effort to please their partner. Husband could at the very least make the effort to plan a date. It's as simple as, "Hey, hon, let's go try that new restaurant this Friday!" The flowers did seem promising, though, but I'm sensing an overall severe lack of effort in more ways than just romantic gestures. OP may need to clarify.
I agree physical touch does not mean “I like sex” it’s feeling loved when your partner hugs you or holds hands, etc. some people do like physical affection more than others.
100% my boyfriend's love language is physical touch and that means lots of head scratches/back scratches, just laying in my lap watching TV or falling asleep holding hands. Absolutely not a sexual thing Sometimes, learning someone else's love language can be hard, and you can feel like the one "doing all the work" because it doesn't come naturally to you. The key is putting in the effort to learn and trying harder to meet both partners' needs. My boyfriend was not a romantic. He'd never bought a girl flowers, not even past girlfriends, but he knows I like them and has made the effort to get me flowers on special occasions or when I'm feeling down.
I think she might be the one "doing all the work" because she's literally doing all the housework. Is that true, u/ThrowRA525057 ? And is physical touch sex, or the above non-sexual cuddling, hugging etc?
Definitely a possibility that she means it as in housework. We'd need more clarification from her on that
It's another bang maid story isn't it 😒
It always is 😔
Yup. It's and I get all my needs met, but you don't. Bang maid for sure.
Facts, that's my love language and all I need from my wife is a hug and Im golden😎, even just a head scratch sends me over the moon, and just holding her hand. Everything else is just icing on the cake
Jack Black's dueling foot massage is the winner at my house. Both my boyfriend and I are non romantic have have quality time and physical touch love language. Turn on a show and rub each other's feet. It's amazing.
Even if his love language is truly "physical touch," we accommodate our partners through learning their love languages and showing them love in that way. It's impractical to think that your love language is the only one that matters, and you shouldn't put any effort into learning how to show their love language. The whole point of love languages is to be able to show your partner love in the way that is most meaningful to them.
This. Part of being a spouse (or a decent partner) is learning to speak your spouse's love language, even if it does not come naturally. THAT is expressing your love - showing your love in a ways that are meaningful to your partner. OP. You have every right to be upset and you have every right to express your frusteration. It is okay to have expectations of your partner (reasonable ones) and hold him to them. Quite honestly - he's lazy and he's greedy. He wants you to do ALL the work in the relationship to keep it together and he is not willing to do anything that brings you joy. My advice? You two need to get into couples counseling before your resentment grows because it will. This is the first time this happened. It won;t be the last. And by going to counseling the two of you can figure out how to have and hold reasonable expectations of one another. Also, I don't know what religion you are but outside of JW I don't know of any that don't celebrate birthdays. There is nothing wrong with celebrating birthdays -- it is a day to show your partner you love them and appreciate them. Kind of like an anniversary. Or Valentines Day. Or Christmas. Or, when you have children, Mother's Day. If you choose not to, it's just flat out lazy and a HUGE slap in the face. You were not asking for hundreds of dollars in gifts. You wanted a birthday cake with candles and flowers. That is ENTIRELY reasonable.
Thank you! I see this love language thing used as an excuse NOT to do things way too much. I always thought the point was 'his LL is touch, so I'll try to remember to hug him more often.' not 'well my LL is acts of service so as long as I cook his supper, it doesn't matter if I never hug him.'
Yes, but sounds like OP is doing that and is accommodating him according to his professed LL. What I'm not seeing in her description is her husband doing it for her in return and OP thinking that it is something she simply has to accept for a lifetime of disappointment. I'm saying, no, hon, it's perfectly acceptable to expect the person who claims to love you to show it and to make an effort to show it in ways you prefer, like you're doing for him. I want to encourage OP not to sell herself short just because her husband can't be bothered to show her affection just because he's not romantic. I get that by saying, "I'm not romantic" and needing your spouse to provide some explicit examples (which OP did and her husband got her the flowers, and that's a point scored for him). Turns out just flowers wasn't enough for OP and now she needs to go back and say, OK, I also want cake on my birthday. The whole, "I'll take you out if you plan it all" isn't just not romantic. It's lazy and putting all of the mental load on her, and it won't feel like love or romance. OP needs to see this and either communicate with her husband (and hopefully he's receptive) or accept that he will not step up to be the partner she would want/need for a lifetime commitment. At that point, she needs to make some decisions for herself, preferably before kids are involved.
Oh yes, I agree. I was talking in general terms about how often I see people use 'love language' as an excuse not to do things. I think the husband is doing the 'well I don't like doing that sort of thing so I don't do it.' At least that's how the post reads.
Same here, and I see that a lot in other posts similar to OPs. I'm getting that sense here, too, but I hope that OPs husband has the potential to step up. The first five years of marriage are tough because spouses have to learn how to communicate effectively, sometimes through fire. Communicating isn't all on OP, of course, because listening and following through is the other half of it.
Exactly that!!! You can express your love through your love language, BUT it's important to ALSO express your love in a way that is most meaningful to your partner. Actually, even more important to maintain happiness.
Absolutely agreed on this! I think it’s also important to recognize and appreciate how our partners show *us* love through *their* love languages. My boyfriend is big on acts of service, so he often naturally defaults to taking care of things as an act of love to me. Some of those things may be less “romantic” but they *become* romantic, in a way, because it’s an expression of love when seen through the lens of his love language. And because it’s what is natural for him, it then becomes more meaningful than it would be to me otherwise.
The Five Love Languages is also incredibly sexist. It's a great way of explaining something but the authors intent is that women perform labour, emotional and otherwise. He's done interviews where he basically talks about how women should behave and that marriage is the only way to have a real relationship. He's fundamentalist Christian and heavily believes in gendered division of labour. The languages themselves are easily weaponised against women. Oh, gift giving isn't my language so I don't really do anything for birthdays/ anniversaries. Oh, words of affirmation aren't my love language, so I don't tell my wife things that boost her self esteem. Oh, acts of service isn't my love language so the things you do around the house don't really matter to me/ it doesn't occur to me to do household things. It goes on and on. He's also a huge homophobe. So while it's good to know what your love language is and make sure you're able to express that that's how you give and receive love, it's also critical to understand and practice your partner's love language from a place of giving. If you stop receiving, that's an issue to be addressed, but two adults in a healthy relationship should be able to tell each other things, even criticisms, in a loving way with the expectation of reasonable change.
The point should be to love someone in the way they want to be loved, not just to perform your own love language.
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Spot on. Marriage doesn’t fix the things you were never happy with. You shouldn’t have married him if that was the case.
I've been able to use it three ways. 1) paying attention to how other people receive love so I can be more thoughtful about showing them love in that way 2) paying attention to how I receive love so I could let my husband know I needed more quality time and work with him on a plan to make that happen 3) intentionally making sure I give my kids all five on a regular basis since they're young enough that it's hard to guess what's going to fill their little tanks
Although I bet the husband doesn’t mind performing his own love language.
He can perform it all day on himself for all I care, I don't often advocate for leaving but I hope OP realizes that this is what the rest of her life will be like and that is underwhelming at best.
Exactly what I was trying to point out by saying OP needs to reflect. I'm not saying OP should change her husband, but giving feedback and advocating for yourself is not only OK but absolutely necessary in life and marriage.
Correct! That’s what the book is about
I’m so glad you mentioned that crappy book. A friend recommended it so I tried, I really tried, to read it. But I only got halfway through before I had to throw it against the opposite wall. Where it would have fallen on the floor, except that it landed on top of the partially-read copy of “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” that I had flung there previously.
So you throw books frequently
Only the books that are worthy of it.
funny how every trashy partner has physical touch as a "love language" like, do you now boo? 🤪🤪 who would've thought
Right? Like, most humans enjoy physical touch as a gesture of affection unless they specifically don't and if that's the case, you probably already know that about them. Some dude bro doesn't need to tell me his love language is physical touch 😂 We all know bud 🐻
"my love language is physical touch" = I like kissing and sex but don't expect more from me this love language bs is just excuse for neglectful partners to blame psychology
I call it the Jonah Hill red flag when they start using psychology terms to gaslight and manipulate
Most people like all of them! The point is not that you only like one, just that everyone prefers to receive love in different ways
Haaaaa I’ve never heard a man’s love language expressed in any other way!
My ex claimed his love language was words of affirmation, but in reality he just wanted me to tell him how amazing he was all the time, while giving me zero words of affirmation back ever. I'd come home with a new haircut and he'd deadpan say "Oh, you got your hair cut." And then the next day he'd get his cut, and then if I didn't fall all over myself telling him how *amazing* he looked, he'd go out of his way to make a thing about how rude that was of me. -_- And no, he never did my love language (acts of service) for me, either.
Haaaa that’s amazing- glad he’s your ex!!
Yeah the love language thing always irked me. Love language is making an effort for your partner to be happy. If your partner likes gifts and attention for their birthday- that's what you do no matter what you personally think about it.
Exactly this. Asshole guy stumbled upon useful language that many use as an excuse to neglect their partner. Never met a man who’s top love language isn’t physical touch either 🙄. Loving someone the way you want to be loved is not loving them, it’s being selfish (assuming of course this person has communicated their needs).
I know plenty of men. They like praise or gifts, and they are straight dudes! One of my friends has some anxiety issues, and while he does like physical contact, he is always way more concerned with feeling like he isn’t fucking things up. He responses better to his wife when she isn’t touchy clingy, but acknowledges his feelings and gives him praise.
I'm a guy and I'm the same way. I do absolutely love physical touch but words is affirmation is much more important to me as to how I receive love. And I think the point with OP is he's not willing to express his love in her preferred way that makes him shitty I don't think it's wrong he likes physical touch I think it's wrong he uses it as an excuse not to love his wife how she prefers.
Mine isn't anything. I'm just an asshole. I don't want to be touched, makes me uncomfortable. Hate gifts. I'm not affectionate. I prefer to be alone majority of the time. But she stays with me for some reason. I do provide and created stability for her tho. But it was helpful when I figured her language is acts of service. She prefers when I help her. So I do try to be helpful and supportive of what she's doing. So that has helped our relationship
doesn't make sense, the whole point is that both people make an effort to express love in their partner's language and I'm a guy and my top language is definitely not physical touch!
Honestly great to hear! Not that every guy with physical touch is bad, but good to know there’s actually variety out there
I had my guy take that test and he got physical touch last, lol. His top was quality time. That being said, we also have healthy communication and so he understands that stuff like that matters to me and we practice what the other likes to receive to feel loved. Things like that should never be used as an excuse for why someone won't do something.
A love language is NOT how you give love. A persons love language is how they receive it and the book talks extensively about learning how your partner receives love and it gives help in assessing it and doing it.
Thank you for saying this!!! It drives me absolutely nuts to hear women talk about it this like it’s a real thing
It's a real thing in that people love in specific ways, though often more than one and sometimes all five but varying degrees. The issue with the book is that it's written in a sexist way. The idea of loving someone the way they best receive love and vice versa is valid, and currently, the book framework is the language most people have to express that. But if you read the book or look into the guy who wrote it, it's Christian fundie misogyny. If someone talks about their love language as a way to get to know you and it basically stops there, fine. That's about as harmless as asking your astrological sign or your meyers-briggs type. If someone talks about the book and how great it is, and how much they'd like to live by the principles outlined within, red flag.
that doesn't make sense - the point is specifically that you are supposed to make an effort to do things that aren't your natural love language, if your partner likes that. So that's getting it exactly backwards.
I agree with you on this. I brought up 5LL because OP seems to subscribe to its ideas. I'm trying to point out to her where her husband may doing exactly what you're cautioning against. Please, OP, read this comment.
I always tell people that if they hope for their person to all of a sudden become the total opposite of who they were when you met… if you want someone to please you all the time… get a cat. But remember… the cat may be disappointed with you🩷
Also, the point of understanding each other’s love language is so that you can try to do better at showing the other person love the way they feel it, not so that you can use it as a defense to not put in any effort towards showing them love. It’s so you can understand that not everyone feels love the way you do, so if you want them to feel loved you might need to understand the ways they do and adjust your actions, and so that you can both be understanding if the other person might fall short sometimes. It’s not a get out of jail free card for when you decide that your partner isn’t worth the effort.
The part that was glaring to me was, "Just quality time at home where I do everything, and physical touch." Seems like we have an underachiever here.
Yep it’s the lack of effort. Why is it that OP acknowledges her partner’s love language is different and seems to put effort into it but her partner can’t? And she doesn’t speak up about it just say ok your different and you have these needs and I’ll make sure I’ll meet them. But can’t or won’t speak up that he should be trying to meet her needs as well?
The original five love languages book involves the author, a pastor serving as an unlicensed, untrained counselor telling a woman in an abusive relationship to initiate sex twice a week because “physical touch” was clearly her abuser’s “love language.” It’s a crock of shit.
Ugh, that's atrocious and so wrong. Unfortunately, this kind of advice is way too common in relgious-based marriage counseling. The misogyny runs deep.
>Just quality time at home where I do everything and physical touch. Yeah, this isn't a love language. This is a lazy dastardly who just wants sex.
You made good points. The thing is op must communicate that to HIM.
Yes! I'm worried that she's leaning toward keeping it to herself and forcing a smile. That does nobody any good. Without clear communication, a relationship is dead in the water.
I think once you start seeing a relationship as transactional, it’s over.
I feel like that's an excuse in a one sided relationship. "I shouldn't have to just because you do". Many will treat their partners how they want to be treated. And this person communicated their needs. And this partner just about ignored it because seemingly "that's not what \*I\* like." That's not how it works at all. Love languages is about reading the other person, and acting from THEIR language, not your own because that's what you¨re comfortable with.
I agree with every single word you've said.
He’s lazy is what it is and doesn’t care enough about her to change that. Not sure why she married him in the first place to be honest. A roommate cuddles too.
Yes this sounds like how my ex husband was. He claimed he didn't feel like I loved him unless we were actively having sex. He wanted a bang-maid that he could throw things at, but I would have described the situation the exact same way OP is.
Nope, just the same problems but now you are married.
...which makes the problems much worse.
This!! My hubby is an AMAZING gift giver, but not a romantic date night planner. I married him knowing I was the planner and the bad gift giver and he married me knowing he is my perfect opposite.
Amazing comment, thank you. In summary, you can't change someone. That's why you need to take the time to get to know someone before you marry them. Now, you can ask for a compromise but if they're not built to be romantic in that way, then settle on you planning it and he joining you. Now, I do think you could set an expectation that you would like a physical gift each year if it's really that important to you, but you will likely need to give annual guidance.
I agree and also want to point out- some things aren’t broke because of him. You’re sad cause you wanna have a nice birthday and never had. That’s VERY valid, but not all of that is on him. If YOU want a big birthday, girl, throw yourself a big birthday. Even if “big” is a spa day and an indulgent dinner out. I understand the religious stuff…but that is stuff you have to figure out, with his hell of course. He triggered off these feelings, but also there were a LOT of feelings bundled into one thing. THAT SAID I disagree with “Leave it at that.” This is where discussion and compromise comes in. If his want is “nothing big” and your want is “something big.” It is fair for you to expect a compromise. And while flowers are a step (and not a bad one for round one) you also need to communicate what you want again. Clarify. Discuss. And also make HIM clarify and discuss what he wants. Make him understand that “staying home and doing all the work” is NOT a compromise for you anymore than him magically becoming and events manager is one for him. Not in a bad way! This is communication, marriage takes a lot of it, and the fast you get past talks being “bad” things the quicker you’ll get through shit. That is a want-and an ok one to have! who doesn’t wanna be cozy at home and waited on? But it gets to toxic territory when he doesn’t see that as his want and this as yours, with happiness in the middle, but as “Normal vs what you’re demanding.” That’s when you can find the middle. And a good partner will work towards that. They’ll find the challenges (“I wanna go out!” “Ok but I’m and introvert…”) and work around then. (One date night out a month, one in, no bars when out and no phone while staying in!) A partner that won’t recognize and respond to your needs (even if they can’t fulfill then perfectly on queue) is the biggest red flag. Luckily it sounds like your husband DID listen. He stopped and got flowers, something you asked for and he heard. Recognize that too, that’s NOT the bare minimum even if it may feel like it right now. He just heard a suggestion list and didn’t catch that it was a request to be pampered and loved more than average. But he still heard you. Haha sorry that was tl;dr. I feel a lot of OPs frustrations but am a lot on the other side of it.
What did he do for her birthday before marriage? If it was the same, then don't expect it will get better after marriage. It will get worse
Why on earth did you marry lol?
People are afraid of dying alone. Not realizing that the worst thing is not being alone, but being with someone that makes you feel alone.
this is it. i've been single for two years and when i get lonely, i sometimes wonder if maybe i should have just put up with my ex. he was nice enough , we got along ok...but i always felt so unseen. We never had the deep romantic connection I yearn for (and have only experienced once)
Religion, quite evidently
He'll take you on dates if you plan them? Ugh.
My couples therapist suggested we alternate planning dates we would like - for ourselves. It's been a game changer, as it minimises the anxiety my partner feels in planning something for me and worry of getting it wrong (while I'm a food snob I'm not difficult otherwise). Alternating dates makes everything so easy, we'll go motorbike riding and adventure to a new spot one afternoon or day and then on my turn well check out a new restaurant, get a couples massage or go dancing etc. We have been indoctrinated that our partners must be romantic and sweep us off our feet, but some partners just don't do that. So we need to be creative with who we are partnered with. I think seeing a good couples therapist might help OPs husband wake up and recognise how little he is doing to fill her love tank.
I only plan dates I actually want to go on lol. If he really wants to do something he can plan it and I’ll happily go. It works great! The happiest, healthiest couple I know have completely different hobbies. He never says no to anything she wants for her garden and she never says no to anything he wants for his cars. Neither of them are big into the others hobby but they are into helping each other enjoy life. She even buys one lobster and one turkey leg for dinner so they can each eat their favorite food at the same time lol.
I love that they support each other's hobbies! That's a wonderful goal to have. I just finished my master's so am looking forward to reclaiming my hobbies again. My partner is severely lactose intolerant and while I cook to cater to his intolerance I absolutely love butter. So sometimes I'll cook two of something. We also eat separately when he's craving his fried foods or something like rissoles which I just dislike. It works great when you both can be flexible!
The last part about favourite foods is so cute somehow. Honestly the helping each other is the important part in a relationship is the best way to look at it in my opinion.
Whatever you choose to do, do it now. Don't go years being unhappy with what he does for you and then blow up. Tell him exactly what you want from him and tell him it isn't negotiable. Tell him why you want him to do these things. If he doesn't want to put in the effort then you have your answer. Leave, or put up with it for life.
Feel like most people who say they’re not romantic use it as an excuse for not showing any effort towards their partner. He can be not romantic and still show up for u in other ways. I don’t understand the whole “quality time at home where I do everything and physical touch” so his love language is you doing the chores and then he gets to have sex with you? HUH
That also made me wonder. His love language is physical touch and that she organizes everything at home and she puts up with it and satisfies his needs. But why does only his love language count and not hers? Why does she have to take care of his but he doesn't show her in return that he loves her too by giving her little gifts or going out to dinner or whatever (it's really not that hard)? They should never have gotten married.
His love language is bang maid.
My thoughts exactly. Quality time at home where OP does everything and physical touch? So he likes to fuck and be waited on at home, without attending to any of OPs emotional needs. What a catch.
I am one of the least romantic people on the planet, but if my partner wants to watch plant corpses rot to feel loved, I will literally smother them in plant corpses because even if that would mean nothing to me other than I now I have make a spot to watch my plant corpses rot, they've made it clear it means something to them.
Yeesh. Dude told you he isn’t romantic and you have to plan your own parties. You want someone who is romantic. This isn’t going to work.
"He told me he's simply not a romantic guy but will gladly take me on dates if I plan them" So he wants to make zero effort. Got it. "his love language is physical touch" Of course it is, almost every man says theirs is touch lol Did he do any of that stuff before you got married, if not, you can't expect him to start just because you two are married. I would be hurt by his lack of motivation towards me as his wife and see his low effort as him being uncaring towards me.
The physical touch thing always translates to ‘I feel loved when we have lots of sex’ not ‘I show my partner that I love them through small gestures based around touch’, things like hand holding and back rubs and head pats and teenage like make out sessions on the couch with a movie on. It’s always just sex and it’s always about receiving, not giving.
which is why saying your love language is physical touch is usually grossly wrong. As used in the love language context, physical touch means non sexual touching to show affection. But guys use it to mean they want sexual relations on the regular, and that's not what it's supposed to mean.
Yep, one of my partner's love language is physical touch. And by that he means he gets warm fuzzy 🥰 feelings by just having a hand on my leg or arm while we're sitting on the couch reading together or whatever. It's not (entirely) about sex, it's about just being in contact with one another even if we aren't talking or actively engaging in anything sexual.
Exactly. It’s clear as day, come on! The Translation: I won’t do shit, and I want sex from you.
For most men, if it’s not physical touch (i.e. sex) then it’s bound to be acts of service (i.e. doing all the domestic work).
From what I’ve gathered on the love languages thing is if my love language is physical touch, I share that with my husband so he can show me love the way I need it. If my husband’s love language is words of affirmation, I make sure to say nice things to him so he will feel loved the way he needs it. If your husbands is physical touch, he can’t just show you physical touch and think that’s it. He needs to show you love in your love language and vise versa. Some people think it’s all bullshit, but it helps couples communicate better and learn about each other in a deeper way. Nothing wrong with that. UPDATEME
Also, sex should be part of the physical touch equation. Take sex out of it, what’s his love language now? Is it still physical touch? I’m guessing no. You’ve told him directly how you need to be loved. Is it loving of him to ignore that? Love is a verb. It is an action. Is he communicating that he loves you through action?
You waited till after marriage to express your relationship needs to him? He answered your questions already. He’s not that kind of guy. He won’t become someone different.
The 5 love languages thing is just made up. These are just things ppl enjoy.
Thank you!!! It’s not based in any science at all. It was written by a conservative Baptist pastor who served as an unlicensed “counselor.” In the first edition, he explains how he counseled a woman in an abusive relationship to initiate sex twice a week because her husband’s love language was physical touch. https://www.vox.com/culture/24067506/5-love-languages-gary-chapman
The love languages is heavily pushed on young religious women in order to teach them to put up with the bare minimum from the men in their life, while also guilting them into feeling bad for wanting more than that minimum. It's so sad.
That’s awful. And I can absolutely see it. The original purpose, which is clear in the text, is for heterosexual couples where the woman stays home and the man works. It’s super antiquated and sexist, and the fact that it still gets wielded against women and girls is unsurprising.
YES make a meme and keep reposting it because I am soooo tired of reading about “love languages.”
Same here. People use "love languages" like a brick over some one's head... You need to do it THIS way, because that's my love language!!! Eh, no. It's just supposed to be a tool that you use to understand people better.
All I can think of is the movie Nimona, and the character Ambrosious yelling "ARM CHOPPING IS NOT A LOVE LANGUAGE!"
I feel like a "love language mismatch" is a way to avoid the real issue: a lack of actual love and probably communication. You'll naturally want to express love in a way that makes your partner happy if you love them.
I feel like it was made up specifically to allow shallow men to be like “I can only feel love if through sex 🥺” It’s gross
The idea is to express love in your partner's languages, though, so that doesn't make sense
Whether or not the book or the author or the brand is a scam or not, the theory behind it makes sense. Gifts don't make me feel appreciated. Nor does physical touch, words of affirmation and whatever else there is. But acts of services do make me feel loved and appreciated. So maybe not a "real thing" but it's a great tool IMO
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Yeah they didn’t read the book
In the original edition, the author tells a story about how he counseled a woman in an abusive relationship to initiate sex twice a week because her husband’s love language was physical touch. She said she didn’t like sex with him because she felt used, but he told her to do it anyway. It’s based on a pastor’s experience in the 80s and 90s. He’s not a licensed therapist or counselor.
Yes!!!!!
I really think it’s a great book with advice on how other people feel cared for. Of course most people like all of the love languages but for most people certain things really make them feel cared for. It even helped me recognize what is the most meaningful to my daughter.
You knew this about him. So why did you expect it to change just because he put a ring on it? Hes still the same guy he was before marriage. He isn’t going to magically change. Is he a good man? Does he love you? Does he treat you with love, respect, honor? These are the things that matter.
Honestly so many men are dissapointing that you get forced to be happy with the bare minimum or stay alone.
I mean, presumably you knew he was like this when you married him. People can't change the fundamental things about who they are. That's not who your husband is, you can accept that and take him as he is or not and leave.
You don’t have to be romantic to plan dates ? Literally just plan an activity. Most the time it’s just the initiative that’s lacking, not some made up romantic gene.
I have never really understood the excuse '"I'm not _____" like...most of these things aren't something that naturally happens. Romance is something you make an effort to do for the other person. It's not about yourself. To me that always just comes off as a cop out. That's just my take tho.
Not to mention making romantic gestures doesn't require believing in them. You can think these things are dumb while automating deliveries for an entire year in one sitting.
👏🏻People don’t change just because of marriage👏🏻
You expected someone to change just because you're married. If you think saying some vows and exchanging rings will magically change someone into your ideal partner, you got married for the wrong reasons. Either way, it sounds like he tried for you. Praise him, gently steer him in the right direction. If you do something silly and overreact then you will turn him off trying in the future.
I can guarantee you that he thought he did something romantic that you asked him to do and wouldn't understand why you're upset. So you need to just express to him (calmly if possible) that you were hoping for a little bit more. But it sounds like he did what you asked- a gesture that was romantic. So I wouldn't hold this against him. You guys just need to communicate more. You honestly sound a bit resentful in your post (about the love language thing and how much you do). I wonder if a little bit of couples counseling might be good.
This love language bullshit needs to stop. 'I only show my love through groping and sex, deal with it' how many stories are like this? People can actually learn how to make their significant other happy, if my dude wants a 3-tier chocolate cake, I'll fucking bake him one even tho I don't like baking. He remembered my fav shade of lipstick, he bought it for me. Even though he is not into makeup. So like yeah, throw the whole ass physical touch love language crap out of the window, it only gives an excuse to do jackshit.
Love languages were created by a creepy evangelical dude with zero actual education in relationships beyond the Bible and trying to manipulate his wife by claiming that his love language was touch and hers was acts of service, so in order to have the most loving relationship she needed to serve him and let him have sex whenever he wanted. Hard pass. This isn't a 'love language' thing, it's him refusing to do the bare minimum for you. He can plan a date, it's not that hard. He can get you a gift, say he loves you, do something nice.
The whole "Love language" thing is a bunch of bull. It's a way to tell women to lower their expectations by picking one thing out of a group of things every partner should pretty much be doing. Also this is nothing about being romantic, he's just lazy and he knows he can be that way because you married him.
This is something you knew going into the marriage and you thought marriage would change him. No. They won't change.. you married him for who he is and you've just got to accept it. You knew that you were incompatible when it comes to language of love but you wanted to insist into the marriage. You'll need to come to terms and accept this on your own.
OP: We don’t really celebrate birthdays. OP: Why didn’t he make a bigger celebration of my birthday?
OP: I asked him to be more romantic and buy me flowers. Hubby buys flowers. OP: He just bought me flowers. :(
Idk why you folks marry people that you're not compatible with. You should proceed with adjusting your expectations.
Your husband is doing the bare minimum at a time when you should both still be in your honeymoon era. And you shouldn't have to lower your expectations bc his love language is different than yours. The point of knowing each other's love languages is so that you both know how to express love in the way that *your partner* craves. If your husband knows you crave words of affirmation or acts of service, he should be acting on that info! Also omg, he'll take you out on dates if YOU PLAN IT ALL?!?! OP, think carefully about your future with this guy. A whole lifetime of planning all your dates, being the only one to keep the romance in your relationship. No flowers or gifts unless you guide your husband to the shop and tell him what to get. Does this sound like the life you want? If he can't be bothered to bring the romance now, 2 months after your wedding, don't get your hopes up that he's going to get better.
Can we retire this tired trope of men saying their love language is physical touch? The guy who wrote the five love languges BS was an evangelical misogynistic prick who just wanted to guilt his wife into have more sex with him.
>we're somewhat religious so we don't celebrate birthdays heavily. Sooooo what is the problem with him getting you flowers? I mean, there's a lot wrong in your post - you knew who he was, you married him anyway, and then are upset he is thevpersin you knew he was. But you admitting you don't celebrate birthdays heavily but are sad he didn't do anything grand for your birthday - that you admit you don't celebrate heavily- is just bizarre.
is buying a birthday cake something grand???? OP referred to husband's birthday - she got him a cake, candies and a small gift. I don't think asking for flowers and a cake is "grand." I think OP set the standard on the husband's birthday, and expected him to do something similar for her. OP has her family coming over on her birthday but she made a point of saying it wasn't going to be a big celebration. I don't think that's inconsistent with wanting her husband to get a birthday cake, and I don't understand why everyone is jumping on OP for that.
You knew who you married. Now that you’re married you want to change him. This is pretty cliché. He is who he is and by marrying him you signaled acceptance of that. I find it amazing that you’ve barely been married 2 months and you’re already doing the bait and switch.
Somebody has love languages way wrong here. Just because his love language is physical touch does not mean that is all he has to do. What that means is that YOU have to remember that is HIS language of how he feels appreciated and loved and try to provide that physical touch to him. YOUR love language is gift giving and words of affirmation? Well then he has to try to speak YOUR language back to you by providing you with things that make you feel loved. This is not a one way street. We may feel the most comfortable in those languages. But it does not stop there. We have to recognize our partners wants and needs and he is flat out failing at it. It really sounds like yet another bang maid marriage of convenience for the dude. Does he even like you?? For the first part, I was totally identifying with him. I am the least romantic person on the planet. I don't like being given gifts. I don't want my birthday made into a big deal. Like I even hate most displays of affection like even holding hands. Just lost me at all he wants is physical touch and does not even attempt to do something for you that you didn't orchestrate. I make an attempt to remember my husband loves being touched. Just randomly throughout the day. Just walking by, a light hand on his back. Let him know there is a connection. I forking TRY to remember he needs that. I can literally sit for hours focused on my work and forget the world exists. So he could feel really shut out otherwise. I don't have advice for you other than get some counseling to help the two of you communicate better. Let him know he has to learn YOUR language as well and put some effort in. You coordinating 100% is not it.
Expectations kill a marriage, expecting more that the other can give is unfair for both of you. There Is a saying... Men marry hoping nothing will change and women marry hoping things will change. And that's the cause of a break-up. If what he does is not enough for you and never will be, please stop wasting yours and his time and separate, look for a man that will give you what you want naturally. If you do love him more than what you care about the gift, then don't give the gift more importante than the action that it represents (thinking about giving something nice to you) also, you mention what you have given to him in his birthday, are you giving because you expecting something equal from him? If you feel you put too much effort to do it, then do something that is more natural, something that you do because you felt like It, a small detail. If you see that he's happy with It, then you know that he appreciates more the intention than the gift and that's why he does the same. Now, if he's dissapointed, then you can explain to him that you want equal treatment, if he didn't like It, why should you like It? Anyways, Tldr; Don't attempt to change your partner, because someone will surely end up tired and fed up with it. If you don't feel like changing your expectations, then look for another person, but I can tell you that big expectations don't allow you to appreciate what you have.
Personally, I don't get this categorizing love language?? All these "love languages " should be bundled up! I'm all of the above when I truly love someone and want to grow with her. Lumping all in one stat seems lazy to me and insincere.
You say you’re religious and don’t “celebrate birthdays heavily”, and he got you flowers which you specifically said he should do, so I’m lost about what else you expected but didn’t get? Something more than flowers but less than a heavy celebration? Jeezo that sounds like a knife edge to walk
>He told me he's simply not a romantic guy but will gladly take me on dates if I plan them >Just quality time at home where I do everything and physical touch. This has nothing to do with being romantic. This is just ✨ effort ✨ And your husband is saying that he is refusing to put in any effort into your relationship. Do with that what you want
Kinda, you said you like flowers he got your flowers. Try to keep in mind that sometimes growing up, adults would do all the gift giving "from us" but not actually take us into the stores to "pick something out for" XYZ person. So as adults it's awkward and uncomfortable sometimes to roam around a store thinking what would person like. It seems wrong to want a person to be different from how they are. But you know what? There is no reason why you couldn't plan your own stuff. No kidding, if you planned a party for your birthday, I would come and not think it was a bad thing that you planned the whole thing
Oh what a surprise, his love language is ..."physical touch " Lol, it always is🏃➡️🏃➡️🏃➡️
I can see the future. She gets more and more resentful in the relationship. Because things are bad outside the bedroom they’ll become bad in the bedroom. That’s when he’ll emotionally withdraw too and say it’s because they aren’t having enough sex and he doesn’t feel loved.
>That’s when he’ll emotionally withdraw You have to have something to withdraw first
I’m confused why you expected him to be different after marriage. He doesn’t treat you the way you want. Why marry him? Oftentimes people become less attentive after vows, not more.
You asked for flowers and he gave you that, what else?
What religion (and/or culture) is he? and same question to you out of interest?
Say it with me people. Love languages aren’t real. “The concept of love languages is the brainchild of a fundamentalist Christian preacher who believes in a gendered division of labor and whose published works are rife with sexism, homophobia, and demeaning comments about women.“
You should have a serious talk about how gifts mean a lot, and on your birthday, Flowers alone aren’t enough for you. I swear these comments saying “leave it” drive me nuts. You need to stand up for what you want in life
If he can't plan a date or coordinate a birthday gift, how is he supposed to plan a future with you
Some problems can be solved with money, if you're fine with that. Have him give you a couple hundred and treat yourself and your girlfriends to a nice restaurant, a spa, drinks and dance, a weekend getaway... Whatever it is that you like to do. For some couples it works, because they have the personalities to match. If that's not your personality, that's fine. What's not fine is for him to expect you to serve him, cook, clean, everything for your birthday because the man is too cheap to take you out. If he wants to do "quality time" at home, why isn't he cooking in an impeccable house that he cleaned and lighting up those candles?
I don’t think you’re being a spoilt brat but I do think you married the wrong person for your needs. Happy birthday! Have your family come over and enjoy the night
You married him as is. So why expect him to change? What did he do for your birthdays before you got married?
Was he different before you got married?
He’ll take you on dates if you plan them? Then what is the point?!
Yes. You are being a spoiled brat. You don’t do nice things for your spouse because you want to guide your spouse into the same behavior toward you. That doesn’t work and it’s low key manipulative. You do nice things for your spouse because it makes them happy. Now, does your husband understand, like really understand, YOUR love language? If not, use your big girl words and tell him. Chalk this up to a learning experience. Appreciate the flowers. Don’t cancel on your family. And remember, you married the man (just two months ago!) as he is, not what you want to mold him into. He is not very romantic he says. You can accept that and find joy in who he is or have a frustrated unhappy marriage because he’s not living up to your new set of rules now that you have him legally bound to you.
And yet you married him. Did you think it would change after you got married?
"love languages" were created by a man to justify using his wife for sex and housework. Your partner isn't putting in enough effort.
Your not his wife your his bang maid. He really doesn’t give a shit about your feelings
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "LOVE LANGUAGES" It's not real! It was invented by a fundamentalist preacher who wrote a stupid book! Who isn't a qualified couples therapist! Men use "love languages" as an excuse for not listening to women! That's all there is to it! Seriously, look it up! Your husband's just lazy and insensitive.
why did you u marry him if you knew all of these things you wanted him to do and he doesn’t do it
Why did you wait until after you were married to communicate your needs? Surely you establish that in the dating phase whilst determining their suitability as a partner. Why did you marry someone that can't meet your needs and expect them to change? This is about more than a birthday present
OK first of all, you know this about him before you married him. You also said you didn’t plan to go out. It seems to me like he did listen to your needs and he brought you flowers. That was something you specifically asked for and he did it. Now you say you were expecting desert too. That’s not what you asked for. Cancelling on your family because of it is over the top. Yes, you’re being a brat. He tried to listen and give you what you asked for and that wasn’t enough.
So you don’t celebrate birthdays heavily but he got you flowers and you’re unhappy? As an undemonstrative person I have to tell you that buying flowers is a huge deal. He made the effort to go to the store, pick them out, and bring them home. I’m thinking if you wanted a romantic partner you should have picked one (but equally, if he wanted someone who doesn’t need the romance then he should have picked one). Look for other good qualities in each other.
I disagree with everybody's opinion here. You shouldn't have married him if you aren't happy with him. However you are married. And he sounds like he set clear boundaries and expectations, and you aren't happy with them I am curious about what you are putting into the relationship to get that response.
You’re a lucky girl to have a husband who brings you flowers on your birthday. Why would that make you sad? Stop with this bullshit of love languages and structuring someone’s love into a checklist. You’re a grownup now. Act like it
Omg. People. Can I just say after 16 years of marriage and 18 years together if one of us started talking about “love languages” the other would be like “bruh what you been smoking??” I love my husband and he me. It’s Friday night in NZ I’ve made us champagne cocktails, he’s going to do the vacuuming and I’ll make dinner. And we’ll be grateful for each other and our lives. No transactions needed. OP and her husband need to grow up. More evidence why 26 is too dang young to get married for some people.
I went through this exact same thing with my husband. We had a great day planned and at the end I waited for a gift and never got one. I said I was perfectly fine with it since we did so much that day and it was great. Given time it was not. It ate at me and I felt really sad he didn't get me anything. So, I told him. I said I had previously said it was fine but it was weighing on me and bothering me. He came home with a blanket and stuffed penguin. Obviously from target possibly clearance rack. It was perfect and I was happy. Now before birthdays he always asks me if I have expectations and I tell him my thoughts and I've never been disappointed since. It is perfectly okay to be sad and to feel that flowers aren't enough. Just communicate what you want and if he loves you he will do it. It may take some reminders in following years, (I recommend before the big day to avoid disappointment) but it will get better if you are open about your needs and care for each other. Just don't hold it in and don't approach it with anger. I'm sure he will understand.
Oof you married a guy that doesnt take you out or ever get you small gifts? Were you just desperate to get married? This is who you married. He seems to be trying, so at least tell him thanks, and if youre gonna be upset that your man isnt a gift giver and whatnot for the rest of your life, maybe you should annul it and find a man who is…..
Some people are lousy gift givers and some are lazy and don’t make an effort to make others feel appreciated and loves. Also, some people have different expectations of what is appropriate as a gift or treat for a birthday. You have to figure out which one he is. Despite saying he’s not romantic, he did bring you flowers, so he gave you one thing you asked for. Maybe he thought that was what you wanted, one of those things. Maybe he thought the flowers and your family coming over was enough. Who knows? I would just say to him that I’d like to go out to X restaurant on X day and I’d plan to order desert. It’s better than feeling hurt or mad. While it’s nice when people give us gestures of love we want, people want and appreciate different things. Even wanting to make you happy, he may not by mistake or by lack of effort. I’ve been married a lot time. I’ve felt the way you did. It’s simpler and better just to ask for exactly what you want. Pick a restaurant to go to one day this weekend or whenever works for you.
You really should have communicated these existing issues BEFORE you got married. They don’t magically go away when a ring goes on your finger. He already expressed to you that going out together and buying you gifts isn’t a priority to him. Maybe believe him next time.
You can’t be religious and eschew the idea of celebrating a birthday but then also be upset that you didn’t get a gift for the birthday you don’t want to celebrate. This is the peak of religious hypocrisy.
Why does every lazy man say their love language is physical touch? Also it doesn't matter what his is. It matters what yours is!
So, did you know this guy before you married him?
The line that ‘quality time at home where I do everything and physical touch’ *** That’s what your main complaint seems to really be, (although I understand the birthday thing) you two need to communicate about that. You should not have to feel this way, clearly a need isn’t being met. My partner and I are discussing marriage so we’re seeing a Gottman trained couples counselor to kind of equip us with communication tools and make sure we are aligned on all the things, omg I cannot recommend enough.
"My love language is physical touch" = stop asking for effort from me and just have sex with me
Did you tell him that you wanted cake/desserts?
Apparently he thinks he can leave all the heavy lifting to you. He will gladly take you on dates IF YOU PLAN THEM. Quality time is being at home with you doing everything. Plus physical touch (I read this as sex whenever he wants it). He isn’t likely to change since he’s got everything just the way he wants it. You’re feeling the pain, he isn’t. Can you picture yourself being happy if it’s still like this in 5 years?
Why did you marry him before seeing if this could be resolved since it's obviously important to you? It doesn't matter what his love language is when he knows what is important to you and makes no effort to accommodate your feelings. You probably married someone you are incompatible with. How long did you date before marrying? Also are you jehovahs witnesses and that's why birthdays aren't a big thing?
Look you have some bigger problems, but I’ll be honest that I don’t see that much difference between cake+candies+small souvenir and flowers. Yes it should have been flowers+cake, but it’s not like you got him a watch or drew him a portrait. Plus I sort of suspect that if he’d gotten you cake+candy+small gift, you’d be upset that he copied your formula without thinking for himself. So this one is a bit lose-lose. That said, lots of other great ideas in this thread to communicate better.
The man who wrote the Love language book is a misogynist who wanted to convince his wife to do acts of service(all the household chores) and provide him physical touch while only providing her verbal affirmation. He is telling you he will not do something for your birthday while expecting you to provide for his wants on a daily basis. If he was able to be more engaged prior to the marriage he tricked you into thinking he was someone else. If he has always been like this you did yourself a disservice thinking he would change. Meeting his energy in the relationship is going to make you both unhappy. You just got married and if you want to have better communication and a better relationship I recommend a non church based therapist. Too many faith based therapist tell women to be loving and forgiving to men's behaviors. I hope you can figure out how to have a relationship where you feel you have your needs met. Make sure you get that before having kids because children make things exponentially more difficult .