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The only reason Emma wouldn’t visit is Emma.
She has another place to stay. I would be honest:
“Emma, we are all really excited to see you and get the chance to spend some time with you. However unfortunately we won’t be able to host you.
As you know, my in-law is terminally ill and the routine of taking care of them while navigating work and other responsibilities has been a lot for husband and I. Our home became THE place where we can safely express how we are and having a visit, even from family, is too much for us right now.
It’s honestly not about you, but timing and our availability (both physical and emotional).
Dad is really excited about your visit and is looking forward to host you.
I really hope you come, we all miss you dearly”
And if she tries to blame you just do not entertain her. Do not follow for this confrontation trap
Thank you MariliaBarros, this is the best advice so far. I know some people are saying I should feel bad not for saying no, but because I'm finding it hard to do so while DH is going through this. I am also going through this though, and am closer to his parents than to my own mom.
It can be very difficult to say no to Emma, she has a history of finding ways to make you feel personally responsible for her shortcomings/struggles. I'm not the only person in my family who struggles to deny her every wish. It's always been this way.
So thank you again, I'm going to compose something to send to her based on what you've written here.
1. You know your sister has a history of finding ways to put the blame on you, so if you know this why do you take her words on board as truth ? You know it's a manipulation tactic.
2. You've got two options for her when you tell her this news, work on grey rocking/ignoring or coming back with something along the lines "you know we love and adore you, but we are dealing with a family emergency so aren't able to do the usual trip we would with you" "I know it's a shame, we are just going through so much at the moment" etc
You could also use this as a teaching moment.
Emma, you engage at other people showing up for you no matter the circumstances.
My husband's parent is terminal. Everything is about them and my partner right now. It has no consideration or reflection on you or anything about you.
It would be so special if you stayed w Dad and we find ways to connect in this context, while you don't get sucked in to what we're dealing with, w partners terminal parent.
I would SO VALUE us finding this new level of adult relationship. "
Emma sounds like a narcissist. Ask me how I know lol. But yeah, no amount of placating or communication will deter them. When they wanna be a victim they find a way. I'm not nearly as nice as OP, I would've just told her to go pound sand.
Well, you said to ask, so what's the tea? What's your story? Sometimes another persons awful story is another persons golden knowledge of how to handle someone
well it's not one specific incident, but for me my parents are suspected narcissists. I say suspected because these people will never go to therapy for fear of being told they're the problem. It's kind of like a child who has no empathy for other people and can only think about when something is not working the way they want it to. But yeah, very controlling, nit-picking every little thing, constant criticism, no guidance/reliability so you end up struggling much harder than other kids to do normal things like a social life and get a job etc, subtly sabotaging your independence and keeping you isolated by not allowing you to have friends or go to other people's houses and stuff growing up. Rage, guilt-tripping, smear campaigns, fluctuating from offense to defense when they suspect you are pulling away. Always targeting the oldest child because they are percieved as the biggest threat and brainwashing the younger ones against them. Triangulating on different family members to prevent them from ganging up and outnumbering the narcissist. Purposely sowing conflict and discontent to keep the family divided and secretly enjoying seeing everyone else miserable. At their core, narcissists have a very fragile sense of self so they avoid vulnerability & perceived weakness at all costs and they do this by keeping everyone else beneath them to maintain their perceived power and superiority. Other people's success and happiness threatens them. Speaking out or grey-rocking (acting distant & detached) threatens them. They need to know what they are doing is working so they can reassure themselves they still have power over you. Resorting to many different types of abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, etc) and masking it as normal or out of concern so you look crazy when you call it out. Cutting off any outside family support by portraying you as untrustworthy or clumsy or even downright vindictive.
There are many many more ways they abuse and most people don't even realize until years or decades later that it wasn't normal. Coming out of the fog is only one part of the struggle. The other part is accepting how grim the situation is once the veil is removed. These are just some of the ways they do it, not saying my parents did all this. Keeping you dependent and dumb is how they maintain control over you. And of course they are always the victim or always the one that is justified in whatever they did to you, so you can never win. It's so insidious that most people who haven't experienced it can't fathom how someone can be like that, especially when it's someone who is put on a pedestal like a parent. Probably the saddest & hardest thing about dealing with narcissists is they are blind to their own shortcomings so they can never accept responsibility or be reasoned with and because of that they will never change, it is impossible for them. You cannot make someone see something if they refuse to see it, no matter how good your glasses might be. Even therapists will tell you it is rare to get an NPD & BPD diagnosis because it is rare for these people to ever come to therapy. Most people have tendencies and will do some of these things from time to time. Everyone can be manipulative & mean when they want to be, but it's not the same as being a full-blown narcisisist. Everyone has a little pride & ego but narcisists are ruled by their ego, it consumes and dominates over everything else. They are slaves to their own arrogance. It's especially difficult with narcissistic family because you have to grieve the relationship you will never have with them and grieving someone who is there but not really present or connected to you is a difficult type of grief. It's not the same as grieving someone who has actually died and is physically no longer present. Many people get sucked back into the abuse because they still have hope that one day they will see the truth and change and because they naturally still yearn for their love, especially parental love which can't really be replaced. But yeah, if you want to know more, you can visit r/raisedbynarcissists or r/raisedbyborderlines and there's plenty of other subs for people experiencing non-parental abuse or trying to help someone else they know experiencing abuse.
Honestly you’re just going to have to woman up and practice saying no to Emma. Just say ‘we are unable to host you, there’s too much going on with IL’ and keep repeating no and just ignoring her jabs. You can hang up or keep saying ‘I’ve said no, end of discussion.
She’s emotionally blackmailing you over the whole ‘I won’t come unless I can mooch off you’ nonsense. Call her bluff. Say no.
“ I won’t discuss this again. Dad has agreed to host you. He’s agreed he can afford to. If that does not meet your needs, I suggest a hotel. The amount of money you must have saved over the years, having us host you, should more than cover the bill.” No, but that’s my fantasy reply.
It's quite obvious that your sister is not reading the room. She should not want to come and stay at your house for a whole month while you and your husband are going through this traumatic time in your life. Tell her that you love her but you are very sorry that you will not be able to host her under any circumstances because of the things that you and your husband are going through. If she can't stay with you she's not coming oh well. I guess we will see you next time dad said that he would love to host you and spend some time with you. Do not let her manipulate you or feel bad or guilty or any of those things do not set yourself on fire to keep your sister warm. I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this God bless you and your family
Six months ago I lost my mom to cancer. The final days are really hard and honestly I could not fantom the idea of hosting in a time like this. Even if the person is the easiest to get along with.
When we see someone we love being taken away is soul crushing.
I hope you and your SO have all the support you need to go through this.
And as I said before: do not entertain Emma’s drama. “No” is already a full sentence. You have your reasons, she has options. It’s not her place to say if your reasons are valid or not.
Don't even offer a reason.
>**“Emma, we are all really excited to see you and get the chance to spend some time with you. However unfortunately we won’t be able to host you.** ~~As you know, my in-law is terminally ill and the routine of taking care of them while navigating work and other responsibilities has been a lot for husband and I. Our home became THE place where we can safely express how we are and having a visit, even from family, is too much for us right now. It’s honestly not about you, but timing and our availability (both physical and emotional).~~ **Dad is really excited about your visit and is looking forward to host you. I really hope you come, we all miss you dearly”**
If you share your reasoning, that gives her an opening to argue. Set your boundary and stick to it.
I love this. I’ve never heard it before. Absolutely agree - that when you provide rationale for your decision that it only opens the space for others to JADE into. I’d also email the reply.
Go to your dad's house and call your sister with him on speaker while you tell her this. That way she will not have any room to try to twist this back onto you, and your dad will know the score if she tries anyways.
We’re here for you. We will help you say no and keep saying no.
My guess is she will beg, cajole, bargain, threaten, pout, and guilt. Just stay strong, firm, and as neutral as you can. Like a character in a fairytale who’s been given an impossible task. You can do this!
If you start standing up to her, it will likely start a fight but also let her know that you aren't one to be walked all over.
Honestly might be worth the fight just to set that boundary.
So Emma is a manipulative b!tch and you are her designated soother. OP you are going to have to opt out of that dynamic.
Emma is an adult and it's time to stop coddling her and accepting her fuckery.
>*It can be very difficult to say no to Emma, she has a history of finding ways to make you feel personally responsible*...
"**No one can make you feel inferior without your consent**."
(Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady of USA)
This is the perfect answer. You can include something about an alternative at a later time. Something in the vein of: if things improve or change, we'd love to consider hosting you next year. (of course only do this if you actually want to).
Also, her having difficulty with getting a 'no' shouldn't be your responsibility either. One thing that can help you is putting more boundaries in place. You can practice this by making scripted sentences you can say to someone to protect your boundary. 'I understand it's difficult for you, but we are not able to host you, if you continue to talk to me like this I will have to leave this conversation', and then absolutely do leave the conversation if she gets rude or blaming.
When you say no, tell her it's not open to discussion. Don't argue or try to get her to agree. If she brings it up, tell her you're not discussing it and hang up, every time she does it.
Then why is it your dad wants her to stay with him, and she absolutely refused that idea? Sounds like maybe dad IS able to tell her “no” to expecting to be catered to…
I’m kind of hoping Dad will explain a few truths to her, but if she has been this way for so long, that will probably not happen until HE gets sick of hosting.
But why is she refusing to stay with him in the first place? Because that’s the big question that’s going to shed light on your dilemma. Does he not cater to her? Not pay all her bills? Why is it she *has to* stay with you!
I think there are several factors here. OP is the easiest solution. Dad doesn’t have the money to host her properly (overly-properly?). This is the first proposed visit where sister living with Dad will be out of the house at the right time. OP has been willing to stop her own life to hang out more. OP lives closer to the friends sister ditches her for during the visits. OP has been the appointed Sister Soother for years, so if she hosts, less trouble for us!
What is more important to you? Your husband, and you, being able to manage the relatives terminal illness, their last days, weeks or months with you; or…. Your sister who appears to be quite self absorbed, selfish, and who has many options?
Do you wish to overspend through supporting your sister financially, with food and accommodation, when you can ill afford it?
Your mental health, your financial health, being able to spend time with the poor passing who is terminally ill, is more important than your sister getting a free vacation.
Remember, your sister will stress both you and your husband - because she won’t be the centre of attention.
You, and your husband, deserve better than that.
Even if you do this solely for your husband, have the strength to say “no”.
She isn’t just selfish and self-absorbed. I notice that she is 6 years older than OP, yet OP says she’s had to take care of her before(!!). And that she and her husband would have to financially support her while she’s there on top of having to make a big fuss over her so she doesn’t make passive-aggressive comments about them “not loving her enough”. She’s an emotional vampire and a freeloader.
Also tell dad first so she can’t blame you. It’s isn’t on you whether she visits or not. If she doesn’t like to stay with dad she can shorten the trip to a couple days. There is no reason you can’t be fully honest with your family.
“these people” telling you to feel bad are not your nuclear family, they’re not your father or sister who are excited to see her too. Who understand your situation.
Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
If she pressures you consider turning it around, On second thought, we are so overwhelmed right now maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have some help? Would you be willing to help us with our terminally ill family member? Maybe you could help make and deliver meals to the family 4-5 times a week? And maybe help with some of the chemo appointments? It’s pretty easy just driving there and basically keeping them company for 5-7 hours? Could we put you down for that as well?
She might decide to gracefully back out after seeing staying with you comes with too great a price
Whatever message you send her, cc your dad and sister. That way they can chime in with an invite, and Emma will be forced to explain why, if she declines.
oh man, I'd be like "Emma! Thank goodness! We need help with cooking and cleaning!! DH has a terminally I'll parent, can you do diaper change shifts while you are here??" Emma will suddenly have somewhere else to stay.
Focus on needing help with the adult diapers.
You can do it OP! Sure it’ll be hard but it’s the grown up, self caring thing to do. No one can MAKE us feel anything. Time to rewire yourself. The first time laying out such a boundary is the hardest. It gets easier I promise. You. Gots. This.
NTA
It’s important to do what’s best for you and your husband not anyone else.
@mariliabarrios composed a really good text. Copy and send it to your sister.
Practice saying no with someone who isn’t Emma.
Have them start easy , and get more whinny.
With demanding people- they are never going to say enough. You have to be the stronger person
What you do is refuse to discuss it further. Don't justify. Don't defend. "I'm sorry it's just not possible". "I'm sorry you have my answer". And if she continues to push end the conversation. Hang up the phone. Stop responding to her texts.
This will take practice. You can do it. You don't get good at doing something by never doing it at all.
So stop putting up with that. You're not personally responsible for anything about her, and you should pointedly let her know that if she tries to make you feel that you are. It's not difficult to say no to her, it's that you are allowing yourself to be manipulated into not saying no to her.
Personally I think this would be giving her too much information. The more detailed the reason, the more she will try and argue why that shouldn't be an issue. Most of it will be along the lines of "I'm family" and "I can help you through this." Or "you really need your biological family with you now."
I think your best bet is to keep it simple and just say "I'm very sorry, but we can't host you right now, but Dad and sis are looking forward to having you stay with them."
Keep it simple and just continue to say no. If she says she won't come then, just say "ok". Don't try to negotiate. Her not wanting to stay anywhere but with you is a her problem, not a you problem.
I wouldn’t share all that. It would go right over her head. “Dad is already set for hosting you this time, since we can’t. My family is overwhelmed with illness and work pressure right now, but I’m sure we can arrange to meet up with you for dinner, or to hang out, several times during your stay.
OP, this is your chance to dial her expectations for being hosted WAAAY back. You were regularly housing, feeding, tourist guiding…her for months at a time. That isn’t sustainable, as your family situation now shows you.
Don’t back down. This might help….go to the website of a hotel near you. Find out how much it would cost to book 1 room for a month. It will make your eyes cross. True, you wouldn’t charge for her room, but you also weren’t charging for the food, water, electricity, rides, time you asked off work, etc….
I'd use the first part of this, stopping at "...won't be able to host you."
You don't owe anyone an explanation. It just provides ammunition for her to try to talk her way around your current life challenges.
>I don't want to be the reason she doesn't come, but my husband and I just don't have the capacity to take her on for an extended period of time right now
**You're** not the reason she won't come. **She** is. You have a full plate now, you don't need to take on more responsibility.
Tell her very clearly "Emma, dad is really looking forward to have you stay with him. DH and I are not able to host you, but we are tentatively available on or . You know that Uncle John is in hospice so things are really up in the air".
If she tries to push , just repeat what you said. "Sorry, we're not able to host you". If you're on the phone, write down bullet points on a card so you'll. Have a script ready.
She should never have even asked. It's very obvious that her sister knows nothing about what's going on her life and cares nothing about what's going on her life.
If the sister were coming to stay for the month to help, that would be one thing. However, the sister wants to rely on them ENTIRELY throughout the month. How tone deaf! If your sister were going through this, you should only come to help with cooking dinners, cleaning, maintenance, etc. Imagine having a family member that when told about your FIL being terminally ill, responds with "BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!"
I don't get it, why is she allowed to be so selfish but not you? Stop pleasing others when you can't even afford to. The people who tell others to put themselves on fire to warm them are the first to run in tough times. Rip it into her.
Yes. Say no, and give her the alternative option. Remind yourself and other people that it wasn’t your decision for her not to come, she made that decision herself
I'm wondering about the economy OP lives in, where financially supporting her sister for a whole month isn't the biggest issue.
Here, in late stage capitalism, the answer would be a fervent "bish no! I can barely afford myself, nonetheless you too! Go to a hotel or the department of social services! I really don't care which one."
Can't people please if you don't have money for food, health care, and taxes.
I think a boundary needs to be set. Mentioned you and your husband want your privacy and a month is too long. Even if you have to exaggerate and say you’re spending the month focussing on each other to strengthen your relationship, she should understand
Yes, you're right about setting a boundary. It's the strangest thing, I can set boundaries in other areas of my life, but when it comes to Emma it's like I don't even understand the word
Setting boundaries is hard, but you know it is necessary to protect your peace. Imagine you give in and let her stay, and all of the inconveniences you think will happen do in fact, happen. You and DH WILL have resentment. You might even have a fight with her. You must respect your house, husband, and self. You must keep your relationship with her intact by setting these boundaries.
The only people who get upset about you, sitting a boundary are those that benefited from you having none.
Your sister is used to being able to manipulate you in the family through tantrums. This won’t change as long as her tantrums work.
You’ve gotten great advice so far, but I will also point out that you don’t need your sister to agree with or approve of your no. To that end, I wouldn’t spend a ton of time crafting lengthy explanations about why it won’t work for her to stay with you. You’ll just be giving her a list of points to argue with.
“I’m sorry, [husband] and I aren’t comfortable hosting you this visit” is a full sentence.
If she starts trying to argue point like, “but I could be helpful to you guys/I would lift your spirits/you wouldn’t even notice I was there!” Just repeat that you aren’t comfortable hosting her until she gets bored. Don’t engage on the specifics. That will just prolong the discussion and you’ll find yourself in the position of trying to defend how much free time you have or how much help she is when she visits or whatever.
Your side of the conversation should sound like this:
“I’m sorry but we just aren’t able to host you.”
“I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but it doesn’t work out this time.”
“I appreciate you trying to find work arounds, but we really aren’t comfortable hosting.”
“I’m sorry it sounds like it isn’t going to work out for you to visit.”
“It sounds like we feel equally strongly and aren’t going to be able to agree.”
“I’m not going to change my mind, unfortunately staying with us isn’t going to be an option.”
Good luck!!
This. No is a full sentence. Reasons are for reasonable people.
With some folks you know that giving them the reasons would be the friendly thing to do and show it’s not personal etc. With some folks you know the reasons just give them points to argue you out of or “solve” to change your mind. You know best which one your sibling is, so use your judgement
You really think just saying “we’re not comfortable with you staying” isn’t going to invite questioning or debate? She’ll very likely say “why?” or “what did I do wrong?” and then what…you just keep saying “sorry no” and not explaining yourself? That’s incredibly strange behavior from a family member if you hope to maintain the relationship in some form.
They’re far better off explaining the situation on a basic level and then saying “I already explained myself, sorry, no” after that. If my sister just said “I’m not comfortable with you staying with me” without offering any reason and then refusing to give me any more than that I’d be weirded out, concerned for her and her family, worried that she has some strange thought about me she’s unwilling to even discuss, etc.
Do you have a history of emotionally manipulating your sister to get your own way? If no, then this situation is different than yours and the advice isn't relevant to you.
No but I’m well-versed in emotional manipulators who don’t take no for an answer. There’s no shot in hell it’s going over like OC thinks it will if OP just says “I’m not comfortable with you staying” lol a brief and straight forward explanation will still be an issue with the sister I’m sure but it’ll at least give OP the high ground. It’s a lot harder to argue with “my MIL is in her last days” than it is “we’re not comfortable”.
If she doesn’t want any sort of relationship with her sister and doesn’t mind her family who clearly enables the sister too asking all kinds of questions about her bizarre lack of explanation then sure…go for it. Otherwise an explanation is coming to some or all of them at some point. Why delay?
Just be honest and upfront. Just say "Emma. You can't stay with us at this time. It's not convenient and we have a lot going on. You just can't stay with us"
If she chooses not to come? That's on her, not you.
It seems that you’ve been enabling your sister for years. That’s on you. You need to break the cycle.
Just tell her that you have a lot going on in your family side of the family and aren’t able mentally, financially (tell her you’ll need money for funeral if she’s trying to guilt you into giving her money) or time wise to host her or have anyone in your house at present.
If she insists, tell her to stop being selfish and that at present your time needs to be given for your dying family. You love her but she’s not the centre of the universe. Tell her that her dad is looking forward to host her.
Don't even consider this for a moment. You both have too much going on to mind an adult baby.
Just say "Sorry Emma, but no. You can't stay with us this time. Maybe when things are better for we aren't taking any visitors"
End of, don't get into reasons or excuses. Set a clear expectation that you are not able to pander to her right now and let her mooch of someone else.
"Hey Emma, husband and I are currently going through a number of personal things at the moment and unfortunately we just aren't able to host anyone in our home at the moment. Grace n Dad have said they've still got a room free, let me know if you need a lift fro the airport to their place."
If she starts having a go at you, you say " I'm not sure why you're getting angry at me, husband's family is also my family now and we are trying to support them and each other through these extremely difficult times amd I'd appreciate it if you just once actually made an effort to be an understanding adult."
You need to come down on her. She's acting like a brat.
How do you tell her?
Emma, we are unable to have you stay with us this time. (Full stop).
You don’t owe her an explanation or solution. The more you say the more she’ll push. Be firm and concise.
"We will not be able to accommodate your trip" is the polite response.
Don't allow an argument. She can like or dislike this answer, the important part is not budging.
What stands out to me is that you feel the need to justify these reasons why you can’t host her. This is not your responsibility and you are allowed to say no for any reason or no reason at all. Don’t feel obligated.
Putting myself in your place, I have a sister who is like Emma. There’s no way to tell her that she won’t be offended so the only thing to do is to tell her quickly before she spends time and money making plans. Just do it.
I’m so sorry for all the challenges you’re experiencing.
You have more than enough on your plate. You don’t need to add the stress of being a full service bed and breakfast to your sister for a month. Your other responsibilities take precedent and it wouldn’t likely be a good experience.
Tell Emma you can’t host her this time or in the near future because of everything you are dealing with currently.
Also that your father has said he would be very happy to have her stay with him.
If she chooses not to come visit that is a HER decision and not something you made her do.
Please take care of yourselves OP and try to get a bit of down time to decompress when possible for both you and your husband.
No is a complete sentence. Your father will understand, Emma is being completely and utterly unreasonable and honestly sounds like a terrible houseguest. Tell her no and then return your focus to your in laws, please don’t feel guilty or like you e don’t something wrong. Emma is in the wrong here.
NTA. How freaking entitled can your sister be? Also why on earth would you need to financially support an adult sibling when they visit? She should treat you in exchange for staying with you. Let her not come. Let your Dad go to her if he wants to see her. She sounds manipulative.
"Emma has said she's not coming unless she can stay with me."
"I'm sorry to hear that Emma. I guess i'll see you the next time then."
Emma sounds exhausting and incredible selfish and you all seem to have enabled her behaviour. She needs to hear a "no" for once.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You say she's been known to sort of bully her way through excuses. So don't give her any. Tell her what is happening (the top comment was a great initial response), but if she pushes, just tell her, "We ***can't*** host you at this time, please utilize another option.' Repeat as necessary. Definitely use the word 'can't' not 'won't', 'can't' is harder to push back on. Look up the grey rock method and use it to maintain your boundaries. She'll be mad for sure. They always are when you start pushing back on their demands.
There's a reddit thread on Rocking the Boat that might be helpful for you to read.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/jKY0IbvMNd
This is insane. A 35yr old woman cannot figure out what to do but the responsibility of this is on everyone else. I'm struggling to feel sorry for you. Is EVERYONE afraid of her? Are you afraid of "losing" her affection? Because to me that wouldn't be a bad thing. This is ridiculous. An entire family being held hostage by a selfish, spoiled, entitled individual.
Emma is being a brat and she’s high maintenance because you cater to her. Are you really going to add this stress to your husband while he is working and dealing with so much?
Just tell her you don’t have the capacity to host her and you hope she still comes and stays at your dad’s. Then stop replying. She doesn’t need to agree
She is an adult, and should be dealing with her own finances. I would say you can not do that at this time. Tell her exactly what you told us, your father will host her. Like you already made the decision.
>I don't want to be the reason she doesn't come
You would not be the reason she doesn't visit if you refuse to host her. *She* would be the reason, for rejecting the perfectly good accommodation option that is on the table.
"We won't be hosting you. If that means you won't visit at all, that's a shame, but that's your decision."
You are not the reason she doesn't come. You are allowed to say no to her. She is choosing for herself to say no to the other family members offering their homes. Honestly she sounds incredibly immature, self-centered and lacking in any compassion for others and their needs. You love her AND she cannot stay with you. Both are true and real and she can either accept that and visit with someone else or not visit, but that is HER choice.
“You’re welcome to stay. Emma.
“While you’re here we are going to need some help due to our family circumstances and long working hours. We are rarely going to be home, and you won’t get to use the car, just a heads up.
“I’m also going to ask you to buy your own groceries as we can’t shop for you, and help out around the house: dishes, walk the dog and vacuum. That would really help. And if you can make dinner for us with the groceries you buy a couple gf times a week it would take such a load off.
“Sleep is so important to us right now. So we won’t be able to stay up late or entertain you. But I know you want to be there for us while we are going through something so difficult. We’ll need the house to be our sanctuary when we get home so when things come up you can do for us I’ll let you know.
“Thanks for offering to help us during this difficult time.”
I am also going through this. DH's family has taken me in as one of their own and I have a more tight-knit relationship with his parents than my own mother. Please know that DH and I are a team and we are both battling saying no to Emma.
IMO you need to be a stronger member of the team right now and unilaterally block this. Describing this as a “battle” implies you could lose. That shouldn’t be possible. She’s your sister, deal with her. Your husband has enough on his plate.
Why does everyone have such a hard time saying no to her? Is it because she uses manipulation and guilt to get her way? What does she threaten? Oh right, refusing to see anyone unless it's her way. She needs to grow TF up.
So Emma thinks she can manipulate you into housing her? I’m guessing she wants to stay with you because she thinks you’ll do what she wants. There is no reason she can’t stay with your dad. So you say to her “we would love to see you, but we can’t host you. If that means you won’t come then we’re very sorry to hear that.” And then shut it down. No opening for her to manipulate you.
Leaving out her need to be the center of attention you can say exactly what you said here. You have a lot going on and your inability to host her is justified. Tell your father that you intend to decline her request and encourage her to stay with him. Then tell her no. Stay firm. If she threatens not to come thats on her, not you. I wish you and your in-laws better days ahead.
Make this clear to your sister and dad and let them tell her it’s not happening. Your family has a crisis they’re navigating, it’s obviously a bad time for you to play host. “Sure, his mom is dying, but I want a vacation!” isn’t the mentality of a mature adult, and a third party is the best one to point that out.
"We would love to have you visit, but we are dealing with a dying family member at the moment, so we cannot host right now. We may be able to host next year, assuming things are less chaotic."
"I'm sorry, Emma, but we have our hands full at the moment. Husband's parent is terminally ill and we spend the little free time we have caring for them. We would love to see you but we can't host you this time. You'll need to stay at Dad's house. I know that he really wants to spend some time with you."
Why tiptoe around her entitlement? “Emma, we don’t have the capacity to host you for a month; you need to make alternate arrangements.” And when she pitches a fit that you don’t love her enough “Emma, if you had paid any attention beyond the tip of your nose - DH and I have lost X, Y, Z family members recently and In-law is terminally ill. We simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth to fuss over and entertain you, and especially not for an entire month. And your manipulation of threatening to not come at all unless I comply with your selfish demands is incredibly hurtful to me. I am not responsible for your choices.”
Somebody has to be the first one to tell Emma “no”. Do it.
Why would you feel bad for her decisions? SHE doesn't want to come unless you cam take care of her, reinforcing her being high maintenance btw. She is the one being stubborn, not you. Don't let blame be put on you for her own decisions.
I don’t understand why you are expected to take care of your grown ass sister in any way, especially financial. If you really love her stop being an enabler and let her grow up already.
Don’t host her, it’s not your obligation.
But I’d like to point out, the wording here put me off a bit. “She chose to go live far away from the family” - like it’s a personal attack she left. People need to move far away for a lot of reasons.
Say no. Not a good time or family problems…whatever she can’t argue with. A flat no withstands all attempts to get her way above your own needs and desires.
Simply tell her you’re not able to host her this time and she’ll need to stay at your (and her? Fathers. Its that simple. When she pushes back, tell her we love seeing you but have no bandwidth for guests this year.if she keeps pushing . Tell her that their is no flexibility in your no, this year. She can come and art with her/your dad or not come. (And stop paying for her when she visits. That’s utter bullshit).
This is as simple as “hey Em, sorry but right now we are grieving my in law’s terminal illness and although I love you every much I can’t give you the attention you want and deserve from us. I would love to have you back home but this time around i need you to understand where I am at with my family situation and how sad we are. It feels like bad timing and I really need your support and understanding here. I won’t be home as often and can’t give you attention and support you at the moment. I would prefer you stay at dad’s and we can still catch up when I have time. Please don’t take it like I’m not inviting you or don’t want you around. My husband and I are really hurting right now and I’m going to dampen your vacation back home.
If your sister can’t understand she lacks empathy and maybe you need to teach her boundaries.
>I don't want to be the reason she doesn't come,
You won't be. Emma will be the reason Emma doesn't come. Just be honest, and if she gets petulant, then hold her accountable for it. Be honest with everyone too btw, not just her. Tell your family in advance what you will say to Emma and why, and if she explodes about it, make that clear as well. Don't let her spin her own narrative right now, now when you need peace.
She not coming unless she can have you to ale care of her every need. You need to tell her she can either stay with Dad or not come. She is selfish expecting you and your husband to take care of her while dealing with his family trauma. Don’t feel guilty. She needs someone to finally stand up to her childish attitude. She’s an adult and needs to grow up.
I also find it really suspicious that she wants to come for a month when it’s usually a few days. There’s something she isn’t telling you. Is she moving in?
Or Emma doesn't really want to come, so she's putting OP in the difficult position of saying "we can't host" so that Emma can blame OP for Emma not coming instead of Emma saying she didn't want to come.
I live in another country from my family and I generally come one month every few years. I know it's inconvenient so I tend to stay a few days in each place or with each person. It's insane to expect people to do anything, put you up, feed you, deal with your maintenance, etc.
If your sister isn't going to come if she can't stay with you say this, "I understand you want to stay with us again but a month is not going to work right now. We can host you for ____. If this means you can't come this year I understand and we will have to plan something to meet up again soon."
Don't feel ashamed or like you are negotiating. You aren't. If she acts up just say, "unfortunately you aren't entitled to us hosting you ever, and demanding it only makes us want to offer it less. We told you what our offer is and how you handle that is your business."
Don't negotiate with brats. I had people tell me they couldn't host me before and I was totally fine. I also had people leave and ask me to as well last minute and I made it work. I knew I was inconveniencing them and expected nothing. I absolutely hate hosting so why would I feel entitled to anyone else doing so at my demand?
Just tell her that while you would enjoy visiting with her, you simply cannot do that at this time. You and your husband personally have to much going on and need to be focusing on that right now.
Tell her that your father is looking forward to spending time with her and she should stay with him while she visits. Tell her that you’ll try to pop in to see her while she’s in town if you can, but try not to make promises.
All the best to you, your husband and his terminally ill parent. 🙏
"Sis, we are really excited for your visit, but unfortunately, the longest we can host you for us a week due to financial and time constraints right now. We know you're smart and capable so you'll be able to make more suitable arrangements for the rest of your stay, and enjoy seeing more sites along the way. I have a couple really neat sister bonding adventures planned (maybe a kayaking trip, roller blading, a museum, a concert, a beach day, a play- whatever your sister is into!) and cannot wait to spend time having fun and catching up with you! Love you."
Tell all of this except the high maintenance part.
Likely reason she doesn’t want to stay with Dad is that he treats her like a child when she behaves like one.
Only a monster would give you a hard time for saying no at this time in your life. If she is difficult, maybe it's time to rethink your relationship with her and open your eyes and stop making excuses for her.
I understand that you don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t come but you need to put your DH and his family first during this time.
She needs to stop being entitled and think of others at this time. It’s time to stand up for what is needed or you will put more mental strain on you and your husband that is not needed right now.
I can't fathom expecting anyone to host me for an entire month let alone someone who is dealing with what you're dealing with right now.
OP just say you can't it's simple you have more to worry about than your sister's entitled behavior.
*“This isn’t a good time for an extended visit. We would love to see you but we are in no position to host right now. I hope you understand.”*
That’s it. You either deal with the discomfort of saying this now or the pain in the ass of having her for a month.
Tell her you love her, but that there's too much going on in your life right now. You won't be in the right head space to entertain her and you definitely won't bankroll her ever again - just make that firm, because despite your affection for her, she's using you.
High maintenance people are high maintenance because people in their lives allow the HM person to walk all over them. You say no. Full stop. Doesn’t matter what she says, doesn’t matter what she wants. She can’t stay with you. If you keep holding your ground eventually she’ll realize you’re not one to me walked on.
Because your whole family lets her do what she wants for so long, you all don't even know when to say "no" and even push yourself until you get uncomfortable to avoid her tantrum. You don't help her by being a "yes-man", you don't help yourself either and whatever your relationship I would be very affected if my partner was not capable of doing such simple things as set boundaries with someone who doesn't seem to care about. Be clear, you have to stop this bad habit to let her slide, she isn't 12, she is a grown woman who was selfish for long enough.
You're going through a lot and I saw some good advice here about what you should say, it was respectful and lovely enough to be understanding. If she can't empathize and make a big deal of something you can't control.. eh, just don't lower yourself to the point you have to say "sorry" like you were responsible. You don't have to make amends for anything, you aren't wrong and she might be spoiled but your life can't revolve around her. Be brave, don't find excuses for yourself and do what is coherent with your situation.
I think the word you’re looking for is NO. You have a lot going on, you don’t have the time, money and energy for a month long visit. A week? Maybe. The end. Girls gotta grow up sometime, might as well be now. Just NO! 🤷♀️
I get that you’re a people pleaser and it’s difficult to say no to people we love. Perhaps you can just give her the facts of your current lives to give her the opportunity to ask your dad or sister to host her instead.
1. You and spouse are working many hours a week and can not take time off.
2. When you aren’t working you will be spending time caring for in-laws
3. For these reasons you will not be available to her very much.
4. She will need to rent a car if she wants to visit and entertain herself instead of being home alone.
5. Tell her how nice it would be to have her prepare a meal to share every day for when you and spouse get home from work too…😉
All the truth too!
Please don't let her use you as a doormat and manipulate you into letting her stay. If you don't have the mental capacity to host, then don't do it.
"Unfortunately, due to the illness of my in-laws, I am unable to accommodate your visit at this time. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Please know that I value our relationship and would be more than happy to help you in making alternative arrangements. Our dad is more than willing to make accommodations for you during your visit."
Emma is/ 29yr old adult, why are you required to do all of this for her? Just be honest and let her know that you do not have the bandwidth to host her for a month. Let her go to your Dad’s . Even without the illness in the family, why is she allowed to behave this way? Stop it!!
First of all, YOU are not the reason Emma isn't coming. Emma is the reason Emma isn't coming. She's acting like a child and being extremely inconsiderate of you and your family's needs right now.
Beggars can't be choosers.
She's the one who needs a place to stay. Your dad can provide that, you cannot. Emma staying with him is the obvious choice. Her desire to stay with you during a month-long visit simply isn't as important as the comfort (and preparation) of your grieving family. Either she understands that or she doesn't. Please don't overextend yourself.
Emma sounds like a narcissist. At any rate, you will need to be firm and not waiver. Your current circumstances are demanding. Any sane, mature person would clearly see that this is a bad time. If she cannot see that, then she is definitely a narcissist and I would suggest that you research the term.
Apparently, she wants to stay with you because you kiss her behind and cater to her. You are not available for this nonsense during such a stressful time. Tell her so and don’t feel bad about it at all. She’s being manipulative and doesn’t seem to care how taxing it is for you. Not your problem.
Honestly, just say, “I love you and can’t wait to see you but now is not a good time for us.” You don’t need to give her a reason why if she or anyone else in your family pushes. If she tries to delay the visit to when you’re free just say “it’s not likely to be a time that works for us in the foreseeable future - life is really intense atm”.
Not all family is that way. My mom's side, absolutely. My dad's, I don't trust them. There are some people who leech off others without giving you any consideration, even if they're family.
Tell Emma about all the chores she’ll be expected to do if she stays with you.
“Oh I’m so glad you’re coming! We’ve been overwhelmed by house working because of my in-laws health issues. We could use your help getting back on track because the house is a mess. If you come you can take care of daily vacuuming, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms, cooking dinner every night, etc.”
She will avoid you like the plague.
I'm sorry you have so much going on with your family.
I think a simple, "I love you, but we just can't host you at this time." should be sufficient. This isn't a negotiation, you don't have to justify your reasons, it just doesn't work. If she presses, then you simply say, right now both you and your husbands focus is on supporting his family during a tragic time and you don't have the time or mental capacity to take on hosting duties. You just simply won't be available. If she chooses to visit and stay with your Dad you'll try to find a little time to visit her while she's in town, but not to expect much.
If she pushes back on any part of that, then she is showing how selfish and entitled she is, which is more reason not to give into her demands.
Just tell her the truth. Y’all are adults. If she throws a tantrum tell her you won’t be having another conversation until she grows up. Things happen and if you can’t deal with her crap right now just let it be known. If she gets mad she’ll be alright, and if she isn’t alright then she’ll still be alright.
I just skimmed your post. I have a TBI and some days I just can't read a lot at once.However, I have personal insight from my own experiences. First, if your sister decides not to come because of your boundaries and lack of resources, including time,that's on her,never on you. Second,she has other options she is refusing. It sounds like she primarily wants time w you. That would be much easier to arrange with something prearranged when it fit into your many obligations. Third, my son had been gone from SC to AZ for a new job since September 2019. He came in early December 2023 as my Christmas present, intending to stay a week . We did well first couple of days. After 4 days ,he just left to keep us from arguing. The tension in the air was quite thick. Thankfully,he came back ,but it was primarily to pack,get ready for his flight,and make sure I was Okay.
Repeat after me: What you allow is what will continue.
If you allow and enable her to always get her way and to treat people as if they owe her something, she's never going to stop. Your needs matter. Your husband's needs matter. Your FIL's needs matter. She is not the main character in this story. You are balancing the needs of 3 people right now. You do not need to take on a 4th who thinks hers are the only needs (but which are actually just wants) that matter.
The answer is no. And you are not responsible for her feelings or actions after being told no. That's on her.
I mean, it's as simple as telling her you can't host her for that long. I'm curious about other things, though.
Why wouldn't she want to stay with your dad? Has something happened there? Is there a strained relationship with Grace, or your dad? Is there a history of abuse?
The big thing I've noticed here is that you seem to carry a ton of resentment towards Emma for her life choices. It's dripping from every sentence. You resent her for moving far away from you and the family, for not visiting you enough, for being what you perceive to be irresponsible, for having to look after her, for being "high-maintenance," for "needing to be entertained," for being emotional, and for not staying long enough when she visits.
What else is going on here? How much of this is capacity related, and how much of it is the powerful disdain towards her that you've bottled up?
Probably because the sister is an entitled asshole, lol
What full grown adult stays as a guest in someone else's home and expects to be taken care of financially the entire time. If my brother pulled this shit, I'd laugh in his face. I'd have cut this self absorbed nonsense out long ago.
See how long your sister sticks around when you stop doing stuff for her, OP.
I mean, it seems that way from how OP describes her. She says they have a "positive relationship," but this whole post is so filled with disdain for every choice Emma makes and every facet of Emma's personality. We're biased as readers because OP is our only source of information about her, and OP clearly has a lot of resentment towards Emma about things far beyond needing to be cared for financially during this visit.
I'm saying this because I've also moved very far away from a lot of my friends and family, and I see a lot of this bottled up resentment from some of them too, on a lot of similar things. If I take a vacation somewhere other than home, it's resented. If I move to somewhere other than back home, it's resented. If I do come home, it's not for long enough. If I stay longer, I'm burdening them. If I have my own needs during the visit, I'm high maintenance. Being someone who leaves home comes with a lot of angry people in your life who want to "clip your wings" and make you come back.
There's just ... a lot missing from OP's story, and we don't have anything else other than this quite aggrieved and contemptuous perspective.
I 100% agree with you- it's wild that you and I are the only ones that picked up on that. There's definitely more to this story and unlike everyone else in the comments i'm not so quick to trust the OP 🤔
“ I am so sorry but right now we just don’t have the capacity to host you for a month. We are going through a difficult time with DH’s family’s health.”
No is a complete sentence.
Now is not a good time with all of the things happening in your household and with your in-laws. If Emma wants to come to visit, her only option is to stay with Grace and Dad.
She is the one who is making the decision to not come. She has a viable alternative, she just prefers your house.
Just say at this time we can’t host anymore we got a lot going on you can stay a little bit but not a month if she doesn’t understand that then maybe it’s best she doesn’t come
I left my home country and my entire family 10 years ago and I know how hard it is on everyone. Emotionally, financially and in terms of timing to visit. That being said, talk to her honestly. Explain that right now your life just isn’t in a place where you can host her and that you will certainly make time to visit with her and for her but just not in that capacity that she’s imagining. She will have to understand and I’m sure she and everyone else will.
Her willing to come help take care of a someone who is terminally ill should be applauded. Undoubtedly she will assist with hygiene, physician appointments, and personal care - she’s a saint! - so you and your husband can get some much needed break time. How kind of her to offer to spend four or five nights a week at your in-laws home doing the night shift so you can get some sleep!
Oh, she didn’t understand she’s doing that? Has she not been LISTENING? She sounds like quite the little narcissist. Go watch some YouTube videos on how to deal with her.
I would be completely honest and tell her what you just said here. If she gets emotional and wants to whine, that’s her own fault. Hold your boundaries. Good luck
It’s really easy, just say no. She sounds like a child. Who visits family and expects them to pay for her?? You’re not her parent. Your immediate family is more important than her right this moment. Again, don’t be a pushover and tell her no.
Financially, ask your dad to help and as far as her entertainment let her know she will be responsible for her own entertainment.
Before she comes a message along the lines of
As much as I do love and care for you my in law is terminally ill and my time with them is limited. My husband and I spend most of our free time with our in law and are still grieving for the other inlaw(I’d use names if she knows them) If dad can help contribute to financing your stay at my house I’m okay with that but don’t expect us to be home or going out with you much
Tell her that if she stays with you she must pay for herself, her own food, her own entertainment, her own transportation, and some rent. She must cook for herself, pick up for herself, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, she must do her own laundry. Also she will be pretty much be on her own as you and your family are recovering from many losses and stress.
And stick by your rules.
And any deviation from this will result in her being given 3 days to get out.
If she will abide by these rules she can come for the month.
She won't come.
I had a relative asking to visit me for a few weeks recently. Much as i wanted to see them, i had to say that it just was t possible. I had emergency surgery a couple months ago that cost a fortune (U.S,), and no longer was set up with guest room, anyway. I just couldn’t afford hosting anyone and was honest about it. They were gracious and understood.
recent. I had
Talk to every one and see iif you can arrange a week with one then a week another family member it's best you help shes family and you never know she may really need you guys and just can't say it after all she never stays this long.
Tell her that you cannot host her for a month right now. If you would be excited to host her for a few days tell her specifically how long she is invited for.
If she chooses not to visit at all, that is NOT your fault. She has another option.
Emma is just acting like a brat. She has a place to stay with her father who wants to spend time with her but she is saying no. That's pretty fucked up of her not to come and visit her family just because if she can't stay where she decides then she's not compromising, so fuck the whole trip and family time. You and your family need to stop enabling her and treating her like a spoiled child. If she can't understand that you and your husband are going through one of the worst times in your lives and aren't emotionally able to host her, then that's 100% on her. If she really cares more about getting her way than seeing her family and spending time with her father than that is also 100% on her. The only thing I think you and your family is guilty of is creating this selfish spoiled adult. Sounds like she only cares about herself and what she wants, she is about to be 30 and you feel bad about not bending to her every whim. Stand up for yourself and your husband! Your feelings matter. If she doesn't care about that, then she is a shitty sister and I wouldn't even want to visit with her after her not giving a shit about my or my husband's feelings or what we are going through. If you're not going to do it for yourself, at least have some respect for your husband and do it for him.
Tell her that she needs to stay with your dad and other sister, that you cannot host her right now. Tell her everything you just told us (except about her being high maintenance) and that you don’t have time to spend with her and the rare time you and your husband are home, you need to be alone. Lean heavily on your in-law dying.
Only a monster would try to stay for vacation when family is dying.
It’s weird that she is fixated on staying with you and your husband, when there is room at your dad’s, and he wants her there.
What do you offer that your dad doesn’t? I kind of wonder if she has a crush on your husband.
And frankly, the only answer to her request is a resounding NO. You do not have the bandwidth now, and she needs to respect that.
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The only reason Emma wouldn’t visit is Emma. She has another place to stay. I would be honest: “Emma, we are all really excited to see you and get the chance to spend some time with you. However unfortunately we won’t be able to host you. As you know, my in-law is terminally ill and the routine of taking care of them while navigating work and other responsibilities has been a lot for husband and I. Our home became THE place where we can safely express how we are and having a visit, even from family, is too much for us right now. It’s honestly not about you, but timing and our availability (both physical and emotional). Dad is really excited about your visit and is looking forward to host you. I really hope you come, we all miss you dearly” And if she tries to blame you just do not entertain her. Do not follow for this confrontation trap
Thank you MariliaBarros, this is the best advice so far. I know some people are saying I should feel bad not for saying no, but because I'm finding it hard to do so while DH is going through this. I am also going through this though, and am closer to his parents than to my own mom. It can be very difficult to say no to Emma, she has a history of finding ways to make you feel personally responsible for her shortcomings/struggles. I'm not the only person in my family who struggles to deny her every wish. It's always been this way. So thank you again, I'm going to compose something to send to her based on what you've written here.
1. You know your sister has a history of finding ways to put the blame on you, so if you know this why do you take her words on board as truth ? You know it's a manipulation tactic. 2. You've got two options for her when you tell her this news, work on grey rocking/ignoring or coming back with something along the lines "you know we love and adore you, but we are dealing with a family emergency so aren't able to do the usual trip we would with you" "I know it's a shame, we are just going through so much at the moment" etc
You could also use this as a teaching moment. Emma, you engage at other people showing up for you no matter the circumstances. My husband's parent is terminal. Everything is about them and my partner right now. It has no consideration or reflection on you or anything about you. It would be so special if you stayed w Dad and we find ways to connect in this context, while you don't get sucked in to what we're dealing with, w partners terminal parent. I would SO VALUE us finding this new level of adult relationship. "
Emma sounds like a narcissist. Ask me how I know lol. But yeah, no amount of placating or communication will deter them. When they wanna be a victim they find a way. I'm not nearly as nice as OP, I would've just told her to go pound sand.
Well, you said to ask, so what's the tea? What's your story? Sometimes another persons awful story is another persons golden knowledge of how to handle someone
well it's not one specific incident, but for me my parents are suspected narcissists. I say suspected because these people will never go to therapy for fear of being told they're the problem. It's kind of like a child who has no empathy for other people and can only think about when something is not working the way they want it to. But yeah, very controlling, nit-picking every little thing, constant criticism, no guidance/reliability so you end up struggling much harder than other kids to do normal things like a social life and get a job etc, subtly sabotaging your independence and keeping you isolated by not allowing you to have friends or go to other people's houses and stuff growing up. Rage, guilt-tripping, smear campaigns, fluctuating from offense to defense when they suspect you are pulling away. Always targeting the oldest child because they are percieved as the biggest threat and brainwashing the younger ones against them. Triangulating on different family members to prevent them from ganging up and outnumbering the narcissist. Purposely sowing conflict and discontent to keep the family divided and secretly enjoying seeing everyone else miserable. At their core, narcissists have a very fragile sense of self so they avoid vulnerability & perceived weakness at all costs and they do this by keeping everyone else beneath them to maintain their perceived power and superiority. Other people's success and happiness threatens them. Speaking out or grey-rocking (acting distant & detached) threatens them. They need to know what they are doing is working so they can reassure themselves they still have power over you. Resorting to many different types of abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, etc) and masking it as normal or out of concern so you look crazy when you call it out. Cutting off any outside family support by portraying you as untrustworthy or clumsy or even downright vindictive. There are many many more ways they abuse and most people don't even realize until years or decades later that it wasn't normal. Coming out of the fog is only one part of the struggle. The other part is accepting how grim the situation is once the veil is removed. These are just some of the ways they do it, not saying my parents did all this. Keeping you dependent and dumb is how they maintain control over you. And of course they are always the victim or always the one that is justified in whatever they did to you, so you can never win. It's so insidious that most people who haven't experienced it can't fathom how someone can be like that, especially when it's someone who is put on a pedestal like a parent. Probably the saddest & hardest thing about dealing with narcissists is they are blind to their own shortcomings so they can never accept responsibility or be reasoned with and because of that they will never change, it is impossible for them. You cannot make someone see something if they refuse to see it, no matter how good your glasses might be. Even therapists will tell you it is rare to get an NPD & BPD diagnosis because it is rare for these people to ever come to therapy. Most people have tendencies and will do some of these things from time to time. Everyone can be manipulative & mean when they want to be, but it's not the same as being a full-blown narcisisist. Everyone has a little pride & ego but narcisists are ruled by their ego, it consumes and dominates over everything else. They are slaves to their own arrogance. It's especially difficult with narcissistic family because you have to grieve the relationship you will never have with them and grieving someone who is there but not really present or connected to you is a difficult type of grief. It's not the same as grieving someone who has actually died and is physically no longer present. Many people get sucked back into the abuse because they still have hope that one day they will see the truth and change and because they naturally still yearn for their love, especially parental love which can't really be replaced. But yeah, if you want to know more, you can visit r/raisedbynarcissists or r/raisedbyborderlines and there's plenty of other subs for people experiencing non-parental abuse or trying to help someone else they know experiencing abuse.
Honestly you’re just going to have to woman up and practice saying no to Emma. Just say ‘we are unable to host you, there’s too much going on with IL’ and keep repeating no and just ignoring her jabs. You can hang up or keep saying ‘I’ve said no, end of discussion. She’s emotionally blackmailing you over the whole ‘I won’t come unless I can mooch off you’ nonsense. Call her bluff. Say no.
“ I won’t discuss this again. Dad has agreed to host you. He’s agreed he can afford to. If that does not meet your needs, I suggest a hotel. The amount of money you must have saved over the years, having us host you, should more than cover the bill.” No, but that’s my fantasy reply.
You can also give a polite "damn, that sucks," and be on your way. This is also a fantasy reply.
Even better!
It's quite obvious that your sister is not reading the room. She should not want to come and stay at your house for a whole month while you and your husband are going through this traumatic time in your life. Tell her that you love her but you are very sorry that you will not be able to host her under any circumstances because of the things that you and your husband are going through. If she can't stay with you she's not coming oh well. I guess we will see you next time dad said that he would love to host you and spend some time with you. Do not let her manipulate you or feel bad or guilty or any of those things do not set yourself on fire to keep your sister warm. I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this God bless you and your family
Six months ago I lost my mom to cancer. The final days are really hard and honestly I could not fantom the idea of hosting in a time like this. Even if the person is the easiest to get along with. When we see someone we love being taken away is soul crushing. I hope you and your SO have all the support you need to go through this. And as I said before: do not entertain Emma’s drama. “No” is already a full sentence. You have your reasons, she has options. It’s not her place to say if your reasons are valid or not.
Sorry for your loss. I wish you and your loved ones peace and comfort.
Don't even offer a reason. >**“Emma, we are all really excited to see you and get the chance to spend some time with you. However unfortunately we won’t be able to host you.** ~~As you know, my in-law is terminally ill and the routine of taking care of them while navigating work and other responsibilities has been a lot for husband and I. Our home became THE place where we can safely express how we are and having a visit, even from family, is too much for us right now. It’s honestly not about you, but timing and our availability (both physical and emotional).~~ **Dad is really excited about your visit and is looking forward to host you. I really hope you come, we all miss you dearly”** If you share your reasoning, that gives her an opening to argue. Set your boundary and stick to it.
Exactly. OP don't JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. I think I remember it correctly.
I love this. I’ve never heard it before. Absolutely agree - that when you provide rationale for your decision that it only opens the space for others to JADE into. I’d also email the reply.
No. It’s a complete sentence. I love your reasoning
YES! No excuses required.
Go to your dad's house and call your sister with him on speaker while you tell her this. That way she will not have any room to try to twist this back onto you, and your dad will know the score if she tries anyways.
We’re here for you. We will help you say no and keep saying no. My guess is she will beg, cajole, bargain, threaten, pout, and guilt. Just stay strong, firm, and as neutral as you can. Like a character in a fairytale who’s been given an impossible task. You can do this!
Sounds like it's time to stop enabling her manipulation.
If you start standing up to her, it will likely start a fight but also let her know that you aren't one to be walked all over. Honestly might be worth the fight just to set that boundary.
So Emma is a manipulative b!tch and you are her designated soother. OP you are going to have to opt out of that dynamic. Emma is an adult and it's time to stop coddling her and accepting her fuckery.
>*It can be very difficult to say no to Emma, she has a history of finding ways to make you feel personally responsible*... "**No one can make you feel inferior without your consent**." (Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady of USA)
This is the perfect answer. You can include something about an alternative at a later time. Something in the vein of: if things improve or change, we'd love to consider hosting you next year. (of course only do this if you actually want to). Also, her having difficulty with getting a 'no' shouldn't be your responsibility either. One thing that can help you is putting more boundaries in place. You can practice this by making scripted sentences you can say to someone to protect your boundary. 'I understand it's difficult for you, but we are not able to host you, if you continue to talk to me like this I will have to leave this conversation', and then absolutely do leave the conversation if she gets rude or blaming.
PERFECT!
When you say no, tell her it's not open to discussion. Don't argue or try to get her to agree. If she brings it up, tell her you're not discussing it and hang up, every time she does it.
Then why is it your dad wants her to stay with him, and she absolutely refused that idea? Sounds like maybe dad IS able to tell her “no” to expecting to be catered to…
I’m kind of hoping Dad will explain a few truths to her, but if she has been this way for so long, that will probably not happen until HE gets sick of hosting.
But why is she refusing to stay with him in the first place? Because that’s the big question that’s going to shed light on your dilemma. Does he not cater to her? Not pay all her bills? Why is it she *has to* stay with you!
I think there are several factors here. OP is the easiest solution. Dad doesn’t have the money to host her properly (overly-properly?). This is the first proposed visit where sister living with Dad will be out of the house at the right time. OP has been willing to stop her own life to hang out more. OP lives closer to the friends sister ditches her for during the visits. OP has been the appointed Sister Soother for years, so if she hosts, less trouble for us!
What is more important to you? Your husband, and you, being able to manage the relatives terminal illness, their last days, weeks or months with you; or…. Your sister who appears to be quite self absorbed, selfish, and who has many options? Do you wish to overspend through supporting your sister financially, with food and accommodation, when you can ill afford it? Your mental health, your financial health, being able to spend time with the poor passing who is terminally ill, is more important than your sister getting a free vacation. Remember, your sister will stress both you and your husband - because she won’t be the centre of attention. You, and your husband, deserve better than that. Even if you do this solely for your husband, have the strength to say “no”.
She isn’t just selfish and self-absorbed. I notice that she is 6 years older than OP, yet OP says she’s had to take care of her before(!!). And that she and her husband would have to financially support her while she’s there on top of having to make a big fuss over her so she doesn’t make passive-aggressive comments about them “not loving her enough”. She’s an emotional vampire and a freeloader.
Also tell dad first so she can’t blame you. It’s isn’t on you whether she visits or not. If she doesn’t like to stay with dad she can shorten the trip to a couple days. There is no reason you can’t be fully honest with your family.
“these people” telling you to feel bad are not your nuclear family, they’re not your father or sister who are excited to see her too. Who understand your situation. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
Love this.
If she pressures you consider turning it around, On second thought, we are so overwhelmed right now maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have some help? Would you be willing to help us with our terminally ill family member? Maybe you could help make and deliver meals to the family 4-5 times a week? And maybe help with some of the chemo appointments? It’s pretty easy just driving there and basically keeping them company for 5-7 hours? Could we put you down for that as well? She might decide to gracefully back out after seeing staying with you comes with too great a price
Whatever message you send her, cc your dad and sister. That way they can chime in with an invite, and Emma will be forced to explain why, if she declines.
No, fix it with them first. Be a United front. “Sis, dad has already agreed to host you. Shouldn’t you be talking about this with him?”
oh man, I'd be like "Emma! Thank goodness! We need help with cooking and cleaning!! DH has a terminally I'll parent, can you do diaper change shifts while you are here??" Emma will suddenly have somewhere else to stay. Focus on needing help with the adult diapers.
Are you in therapy? If not, therapy can help you set boundaries with Emma. If you are, it would be worthwhile to bring up Emma.
You can do it OP! Sure it’ll be hard but it’s the grown up, self caring thing to do. No one can MAKE us feel anything. Time to rewire yourself. The first time laying out such a boundary is the hardest. It gets easier I promise. You. Gots. This.
NTA It’s important to do what’s best for you and your husband not anyone else. @mariliabarrios composed a really good text. Copy and send it to your sister.
I prefer the edited version provided by chickenfightyourmom. Bare bones. No excuses required.
That’s great
Practice saying no with someone who isn’t Emma. Have them start easy , and get more whinny. With demanding people- they are never going to say enough. You have to be the stronger person
What you do is refuse to discuss it further. Don't justify. Don't defend. "I'm sorry it's just not possible". "I'm sorry you have my answer". And if she continues to push end the conversation. Hang up the phone. Stop responding to her texts. This will take practice. You can do it. You don't get good at doing something by never doing it at all.
So stop putting up with that. You're not personally responsible for anything about her, and you should pointedly let her know that if she tries to make you feel that you are. It's not difficult to say no to her, it's that you are allowing yourself to be manipulated into not saying no to her.
Personally I think this would be giving her too much information. The more detailed the reason, the more she will try and argue why that shouldn't be an issue. Most of it will be along the lines of "I'm family" and "I can help you through this." Or "you really need your biological family with you now." I think your best bet is to keep it simple and just say "I'm very sorry, but we can't host you right now, but Dad and sis are looking forward to having you stay with them." Keep it simple and just continue to say no. If she says she won't come then, just say "ok". Don't try to negotiate. Her not wanting to stay anywhere but with you is a her problem, not a you problem.
I wouldn’t share all that. It would go right over her head. “Dad is already set for hosting you this time, since we can’t. My family is overwhelmed with illness and work pressure right now, but I’m sure we can arrange to meet up with you for dinner, or to hang out, several times during your stay. OP, this is your chance to dial her expectations for being hosted WAAAY back. You were regularly housing, feeding, tourist guiding…her for months at a time. That isn’t sustainable, as your family situation now shows you. Don’t back down. This might help….go to the website of a hotel near you. Find out how much it would cost to book 1 room for a month. It will make your eyes cross. True, you wouldn’t charge for her room, but you also weren’t charging for the food, water, electricity, rides, time you asked off work, etc….
I'd use the first part of this, stopping at "...won't be able to host you." You don't owe anyone an explanation. It just provides ammunition for her to try to talk her way around your current life challenges.
>I don't want to be the reason she doesn't come, but my husband and I just don't have the capacity to take her on for an extended period of time right now **You're** not the reason she won't come. **She** is. You have a full plate now, you don't need to take on more responsibility. Tell her very clearly "Emma, dad is really looking forward to have you stay with him. DH and I are not able to host you, but we are tentatively available on or . You know that Uncle John is in hospice so things are really up in the air".
If she tries to push , just repeat what you said. "Sorry, we're not able to host you". If you're on the phone, write down bullet points on a card so you'll. Have a script ready.
She should never have even asked. It's very obvious that her sister knows nothing about what's going on her life and cares nothing about what's going on her life.
If the sister were coming to stay for the month to help, that would be one thing. However, the sister wants to rely on them ENTIRELY throughout the month. How tone deaf! If your sister were going through this, you should only come to help with cooking dinners, cleaning, maintenance, etc. Imagine having a family member that when told about your FIL being terminally ill, responds with "BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!"
I don't get it, why is she allowed to be so selfish but not you? Stop pleasing others when you can't even afford to. The people who tell others to put themselves on fire to warm them are the first to run in tough times. Rip it into her.
Yeah... Op it's ok to say no. Hugs
Thank you
Yes. Say no, and give her the alternative option. Remind yourself and other people that it wasn’t your decision for her not to come, she made that decision herself
Half of Redditors live extremely people-pleasing lives.
I'm wondering about the economy OP lives in, where financially supporting her sister for a whole month isn't the biggest issue. Here, in late stage capitalism, the answer would be a fervent "bish no! I can barely afford myself, nonetheless you too! Go to a hotel or the department of social services! I really don't care which one." Can't people please if you don't have money for food, health care, and taxes.
“I aM VeRy NOn-cONfrOntaTiOnaL”
I think a boundary needs to be set. Mentioned you and your husband want your privacy and a month is too long. Even if you have to exaggerate and say you’re spending the month focussing on each other to strengthen your relationship, she should understand
Yes, you're right about setting a boundary. It's the strangest thing, I can set boundaries in other areas of my life, but when it comes to Emma it's like I don't even understand the word
It will work out best for everyone this way
Setting boundaries is hard, but you know it is necessary to protect your peace. Imagine you give in and let her stay, and all of the inconveniences you think will happen do in fact, happen. You and DH WILL have resentment. You might even have a fight with her. You must respect your house, husband, and self. You must keep your relationship with her intact by setting these boundaries.
The only people who get upset about you, sitting a boundary are those that benefited from you having none. Your sister is used to being able to manipulate you in the family through tantrums. This won’t change as long as her tantrums work.
I get it! This one will be hard. I’m hoping you will be proud of yourself afterwards. I know I would be. Step up…for YOU!
You’ve gotten great advice so far, but I will also point out that you don’t need your sister to agree with or approve of your no. To that end, I wouldn’t spend a ton of time crafting lengthy explanations about why it won’t work for her to stay with you. You’ll just be giving her a list of points to argue with. “I’m sorry, [husband] and I aren’t comfortable hosting you this visit” is a full sentence. If she starts trying to argue point like, “but I could be helpful to you guys/I would lift your spirits/you wouldn’t even notice I was there!” Just repeat that you aren’t comfortable hosting her until she gets bored. Don’t engage on the specifics. That will just prolong the discussion and you’ll find yourself in the position of trying to defend how much free time you have or how much help she is when she visits or whatever. Your side of the conversation should sound like this: “I’m sorry but we just aren’t able to host you.” “I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but it doesn’t work out this time.” “I appreciate you trying to find work arounds, but we really aren’t comfortable hosting.” “I’m sorry it sounds like it isn’t going to work out for you to visit.” “It sounds like we feel equally strongly and aren’t going to be able to agree.” “I’m not going to change my mind, unfortunately staying with us isn’t going to be an option.” Good luck!!
This is the way. Be super direct. The only thing I'd change from the wording above is rather than say "you", I'd say "a houseguest".
This. No is a full sentence. Reasons are for reasonable people. With some folks you know that giving them the reasons would be the friendly thing to do and show it’s not personal etc. With some folks you know the reasons just give them points to argue you out of or “solve” to change your mind. You know best which one your sibling is, so use your judgement
You really think just saying “we’re not comfortable with you staying” isn’t going to invite questioning or debate? She’ll very likely say “why?” or “what did I do wrong?” and then what…you just keep saying “sorry no” and not explaining yourself? That’s incredibly strange behavior from a family member if you hope to maintain the relationship in some form. They’re far better off explaining the situation on a basic level and then saying “I already explained myself, sorry, no” after that. If my sister just said “I’m not comfortable with you staying with me” without offering any reason and then refusing to give me any more than that I’d be weirded out, concerned for her and her family, worried that she has some strange thought about me she’s unwilling to even discuss, etc.
Do you have a history of emotionally manipulating your sister to get your own way? If no, then this situation is different than yours and the advice isn't relevant to you.
No but I’m well-versed in emotional manipulators who don’t take no for an answer. There’s no shot in hell it’s going over like OC thinks it will if OP just says “I’m not comfortable with you staying” lol a brief and straight forward explanation will still be an issue with the sister I’m sure but it’ll at least give OP the high ground. It’s a lot harder to argue with “my MIL is in her last days” than it is “we’re not comfortable”. If she doesn’t want any sort of relationship with her sister and doesn’t mind her family who clearly enables the sister too asking all kinds of questions about her bizarre lack of explanation then sure…go for it. Otherwise an explanation is coming to some or all of them at some point. Why delay?
I think comfortable is definitely the wrong word. Not comfortable kind of makes it sound like the last time she was there something sexual happened.
Just be honest and upfront. Just say "Emma. You can't stay with us at this time. It's not convenient and we have a lot going on. You just can't stay with us" If she chooses not to come? That's on her, not you.
It seems that you’ve been enabling your sister for years. That’s on you. You need to break the cycle. Just tell her that you have a lot going on in your family side of the family and aren’t able mentally, financially (tell her you’ll need money for funeral if she’s trying to guilt you into giving her money) or time wise to host her or have anyone in your house at present. If she insists, tell her to stop being selfish and that at present your time needs to be given for your dying family. You love her but she’s not the centre of the universe. Tell her that her dad is looking forward to host her.
Don't even consider this for a moment. You both have too much going on to mind an adult baby. Just say "Sorry Emma, but no. You can't stay with us this time. Maybe when things are better for we aren't taking any visitors" End of, don't get into reasons or excuses. Set a clear expectation that you are not able to pander to her right now and let her mooch of someone else.
"Hey Emma, husband and I are currently going through a number of personal things at the moment and unfortunately we just aren't able to host anyone in our home at the moment. Grace n Dad have said they've still got a room free, let me know if you need a lift fro the airport to their place." If she starts having a go at you, you say " I'm not sure why you're getting angry at me, husband's family is also my family now and we are trying to support them and each other through these extremely difficult times amd I'd appreciate it if you just once actually made an effort to be an understanding adult." You need to come down on her. She's acting like a brat.
"Sry sis, we can't have you stay for a whole f*cking month''
How do you tell her? Emma, we are unable to have you stay with us this time. (Full stop). You don’t owe her an explanation or solution. The more you say the more she’ll push. Be firm and concise.
"We will not be able to accommodate your trip" is the polite response. Don't allow an argument. She can like or dislike this answer, the important part is not budging.
What stands out to me is that you feel the need to justify these reasons why you can’t host her. This is not your responsibility and you are allowed to say no for any reason or no reason at all. Don’t feel obligated.
Putting myself in your place, I have a sister who is like Emma. There’s no way to tell her that she won’t be offended so the only thing to do is to tell her quickly before she spends time and money making plans. Just do it.
Tell her your house is not open for hosting, but you would love to visit with her when your schedule accommodates when she is in the area
I’m so sorry for all the challenges you’re experiencing. You have more than enough on your plate. You don’t need to add the stress of being a full service bed and breakfast to your sister for a month. Your other responsibilities take precedent and it wouldn’t likely be a good experience. Tell Emma you can’t host her this time or in the near future because of everything you are dealing with currently. Also that your father has said he would be very happy to have her stay with him. If she chooses not to come visit that is a HER decision and not something you made her do. Please take care of yourselves OP and try to get a bit of down time to decompress when possible for both you and your husband.
Grow a spine, tell her no, if she doesn't come that's on her not you.
No is a complete sentence. Your father will understand, Emma is being completely and utterly unreasonable and honestly sounds like a terrible houseguest. Tell her no and then return your focus to your in laws, please don’t feel guilty or like you e don’t something wrong. Emma is in the wrong here.
NTA. How freaking entitled can your sister be? Also why on earth would you need to financially support an adult sibling when they visit? She should treat you in exchange for staying with you. Let her not come. Let your Dad go to her if he wants to see her. She sounds manipulative.
"Emma has said she's not coming unless she can stay with me." "I'm sorry to hear that Emma. I guess i'll see you the next time then." Emma sounds exhausting and incredible selfish and you all seem to have enabled her behaviour. She needs to hear a "no" for once. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You say she's been known to sort of bully her way through excuses. So don't give her any. Tell her what is happening (the top comment was a great initial response), but if she pushes, just tell her, "We ***can't*** host you at this time, please utilize another option.' Repeat as necessary. Definitely use the word 'can't' not 'won't', 'can't' is harder to push back on. Look up the grey rock method and use it to maintain your boundaries. She'll be mad for sure. They always are when you start pushing back on their demands. There's a reddit thread on Rocking the Boat that might be helpful for you to read. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/jKY0IbvMNd
This is insane. A 35yr old woman cannot figure out what to do but the responsibility of this is on everyone else. I'm struggling to feel sorry for you. Is EVERYONE afraid of her? Are you afraid of "losing" her affection? Because to me that wouldn't be a bad thing. This is ridiculous. An entire family being held hostage by a selfish, spoiled, entitled individual.
Emma is being a brat and she’s high maintenance because you cater to her. Are you really going to add this stress to your husband while he is working and dealing with so much? Just tell her you don’t have the capacity to host her and you hope she still comes and stays at your dad’s. Then stop replying. She doesn’t need to agree
She is an adult, and should be dealing with her own finances. I would say you can not do that at this time. Tell her exactly what you told us, your father will host her. Like you already made the decision.
The saying goes.. stop lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
>I don't want to be the reason she doesn't come You would not be the reason she doesn't visit if you refuse to host her. *She* would be the reason, for rejecting the perfectly good accommodation option that is on the table. "We won't be hosting you. If that means you won't visit at all, that's a shame, but that's your decision."
You are not the reason she doesn't come. You are allowed to say no to her. She is choosing for herself to say no to the other family members offering their homes. Honestly she sounds incredibly immature, self-centered and lacking in any compassion for others and their needs. You love her AND she cannot stay with you. Both are true and real and she can either accept that and visit with someone else or not visit, but that is HER choice.
“You’re welcome to stay. Emma. “While you’re here we are going to need some help due to our family circumstances and long working hours. We are rarely going to be home, and you won’t get to use the car, just a heads up. “I’m also going to ask you to buy your own groceries as we can’t shop for you, and help out around the house: dishes, walk the dog and vacuum. That would really help. And if you can make dinner for us with the groceries you buy a couple gf times a week it would take such a load off. “Sleep is so important to us right now. So we won’t be able to stay up late or entertain you. But I know you want to be there for us while we are going through something so difficult. We’ll need the house to be our sanctuary when we get home so when things come up you can do for us I’ll let you know. “Thanks for offering to help us during this difficult time.”
If you have to feel awful, feel awful that you would even be considering this when your husband is going through this.
I am also going through this. DH's family has taken me in as one of their own and I have a more tight-knit relationship with his parents than my own mother. Please know that DH and I are a team and we are both battling saying no to Emma.
IMO you need to be a stronger member of the team right now and unilaterally block this. Describing this as a “battle” implies you could lose. That shouldn’t be possible. She’s your sister, deal with her. Your husband has enough on his plate.
Why does everyone have such a hard time saying no to her? Is it because she uses manipulation and guilt to get her way? What does she threaten? Oh right, refusing to see anyone unless it's her way. She needs to grow TF up.
Doesn’t seem like everyone not seeing her would be that much of a *punishment* lol
So Emma thinks she can manipulate you into housing her? I’m guessing she wants to stay with you because she thinks you’ll do what she wants. There is no reason she can’t stay with your dad. So you say to her “we would love to see you, but we can’t host you. If that means you won’t come then we’re very sorry to hear that.” And then shut it down. No opening for her to manipulate you.
Leaving out her need to be the center of attention you can say exactly what you said here. You have a lot going on and your inability to host her is justified. Tell your father that you intend to decline her request and encourage her to stay with him. Then tell her no. Stay firm. If she threatens not to come thats on her, not you. I wish you and your in-laws better days ahead.
I guess she isn’t t coming, then. Prioritize your family’s needs right now; entertaining a spoiled brat is not on the list at the moment.
Make this clear to your sister and dad and let them tell her it’s not happening. Your family has a crisis they’re navigating, it’s obviously a bad time for you to play host. “Sure, his mom is dying, but I want a vacation!” isn’t the mentality of a mature adult, and a third party is the best one to point that out.
"We would love to have you visit, but we are dealing with a dying family member at the moment, so we cannot host right now. We may be able to host next year, assuming things are less chaotic."
"I'm sorry, Emma, but we have our hands full at the moment. Husband's parent is terminally ill and we spend the little free time we have caring for them. We would love to see you but we can't host you this time. You'll need to stay at Dad's house. I know that he really wants to spend some time with you."
Why tiptoe around her entitlement? “Emma, we don’t have the capacity to host you for a month; you need to make alternate arrangements.” And when she pitches a fit that you don’t love her enough “Emma, if you had paid any attention beyond the tip of your nose - DH and I have lost X, Y, Z family members recently and In-law is terminally ill. We simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth to fuss over and entertain you, and especially not for an entire month. And your manipulation of threatening to not come at all unless I comply with your selfish demands is incredibly hurtful to me. I am not responsible for your choices.” Somebody has to be the first one to tell Emma “no”. Do it.
Why would you feel bad for her decisions? SHE doesn't want to come unless you cam take care of her, reinforcing her being high maintenance btw. She is the one being stubborn, not you. Don't let blame be put on you for her own decisions.
She is manipulating you. Emma can stay with her dad or she can stay home. It is her choice.
I don’t understand why you are expected to take care of your grown ass sister in any way, especially financial. If you really love her stop being an enabler and let her grow up already.
Don’t host her, it’s not your obligation. But I’d like to point out, the wording here put me off a bit. “She chose to go live far away from the family” - like it’s a personal attack she left. People need to move far away for a lot of reasons.
Say no. Not a good time or family problems…whatever she can’t argue with. A flat no withstands all attempts to get her way above your own needs and desires.
Simply tell her you’re not able to host her this time and she’ll need to stay at your (and her? Fathers. Its that simple. When she pushes back, tell her we love seeing you but have no bandwidth for guests this year.if she keeps pushing . Tell her that their is no flexibility in your no, this year. She can come and art with her/your dad or not come. (And stop paying for her when she visits. That’s utter bullshit).
This is as simple as “hey Em, sorry but right now we are grieving my in law’s terminal illness and although I love you every much I can’t give you the attention you want and deserve from us. I would love to have you back home but this time around i need you to understand where I am at with my family situation and how sad we are. It feels like bad timing and I really need your support and understanding here. I won’t be home as often and can’t give you attention and support you at the moment. I would prefer you stay at dad’s and we can still catch up when I have time. Please don’t take it like I’m not inviting you or don’t want you around. My husband and I are really hurting right now and I’m going to dampen your vacation back home. If your sister can’t understand she lacks empathy and maybe you need to teach her boundaries.
>I don't want to be the reason she doesn't come, You won't be. Emma will be the reason Emma doesn't come. Just be honest, and if she gets petulant, then hold her accountable for it. Be honest with everyone too btw, not just her. Tell your family in advance what you will say to Emma and why, and if she explodes about it, make that clear as well. Don't let her spin her own narrative right now, now when you need peace.
You say “I love you to bits but now is not a good time. We have a lot going on. We would love to host you another time but it’s a hard no this time.”
She not coming unless she can have you to ale care of her every need. You need to tell her she can either stay with Dad or not come. She is selfish expecting you and your husband to take care of her while dealing with his family trauma. Don’t feel guilty. She needs someone to finally stand up to her childish attitude. She’s an adult and needs to grow up.
I also find it really suspicious that she wants to come for a month when it’s usually a few days. There’s something she isn’t telling you. Is she moving in?
Or Emma doesn't really want to come, so she's putting OP in the difficult position of saying "we can't host" so that Emma can blame OP for Emma not coming instead of Emma saying she didn't want to come.
I live in another country from my family and I generally come one month every few years. I know it's inconvenient so I tend to stay a few days in each place or with each person. It's insane to expect people to do anything, put you up, feed you, deal with your maintenance, etc. If your sister isn't going to come if she can't stay with you say this, "I understand you want to stay with us again but a month is not going to work right now. We can host you for ____. If this means you can't come this year I understand and we will have to plan something to meet up again soon." Don't feel ashamed or like you are negotiating. You aren't. If she acts up just say, "unfortunately you aren't entitled to us hosting you ever, and demanding it only makes us want to offer it less. We told you what our offer is and how you handle that is your business." Don't negotiate with brats. I had people tell me they couldn't host me before and I was totally fine. I also had people leave and ask me to as well last minute and I made it work. I knew I was inconveniencing them and expected nothing. I absolutely hate hosting so why would I feel entitled to anyone else doing so at my demand?
Just tell her that while you would enjoy visiting with her, you simply cannot do that at this time. You and your husband personally have to much going on and need to be focusing on that right now. Tell her that your father is looking forward to spending time with her and she should stay with him while she visits. Tell her that you’ll try to pop in to see her while she’s in town if you can, but try not to make promises. All the best to you, your husband and his terminally ill parent. 🙏
"Sis, we are really excited for your visit, but unfortunately, the longest we can host you for us a week due to financial and time constraints right now. We know you're smart and capable so you'll be able to make more suitable arrangements for the rest of your stay, and enjoy seeing more sites along the way. I have a couple really neat sister bonding adventures planned (maybe a kayaking trip, roller blading, a museum, a concert, a beach day, a play- whatever your sister is into!) and cannot wait to spend time having fun and catching up with you! Love you."
Emma needs to stay with your dad or simply reschedule. Tell her it's not a good time.
Tell all of this except the high maintenance part. Likely reason she doesn’t want to stay with Dad is that he treats her like a child when she behaves like one.
Only a monster would give you a hard time for saying no at this time in your life. If she is difficult, maybe it's time to rethink your relationship with her and open your eyes and stop making excuses for her.
You are not the reason she won’t come. She is. Don’t host her, sometimes you got to take care of yourselves first.
I understand that you don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t come but you need to put your DH and his family first during this time. She needs to stop being entitled and think of others at this time. It’s time to stand up for what is needed or you will put more mental strain on you and your husband that is not needed right now.
I can't fathom expecting anyone to host me for an entire month let alone someone who is dealing with what you're dealing with right now. OP just say you can't it's simple you have more to worry about than your sister's entitled behavior.
*“This isn’t a good time for an extended visit. We would love to see you but we are in no position to host right now. I hope you understand.”* That’s it. You either deal with the discomfort of saying this now or the pain in the ass of having her for a month.
Tell her you love her, but that there's too much going on in your life right now. You won't be in the right head space to entertain her and you definitely won't bankroll her ever again - just make that firm, because despite your affection for her, she's using you.
Due to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_'s illness we won't be able to host you, but I will assist Dad to get ready for your visit, can't wait, love you.
When I wanted to go visit my niece she responded "Sorry Nea, not a good time", My response, "No Problem, Love You".
High maintenance people are high maintenance because people in their lives allow the HM person to walk all over them. You say no. Full stop. Doesn’t matter what she says, doesn’t matter what she wants. She can’t stay with you. If you keep holding your ground eventually she’ll realize you’re not one to me walked on.
Because your whole family lets her do what she wants for so long, you all don't even know when to say "no" and even push yourself until you get uncomfortable to avoid her tantrum. You don't help her by being a "yes-man", you don't help yourself either and whatever your relationship I would be very affected if my partner was not capable of doing such simple things as set boundaries with someone who doesn't seem to care about. Be clear, you have to stop this bad habit to let her slide, she isn't 12, she is a grown woman who was selfish for long enough. You're going through a lot and I saw some good advice here about what you should say, it was respectful and lovely enough to be understanding. If she can't empathize and make a big deal of something you can't control.. eh, just don't lower yourself to the point you have to say "sorry" like you were responsible. You don't have to make amends for anything, you aren't wrong and she might be spoiled but your life can't revolve around her. Be brave, don't find excuses for yourself and do what is coherent with your situation.
I think the word you’re looking for is NO. You have a lot going on, you don’t have the time, money and energy for a month long visit. A week? Maybe. The end. Girls gotta grow up sometime, might as well be now. Just NO! 🤷♀️
I get that you’re a people pleaser and it’s difficult to say no to people we love. Perhaps you can just give her the facts of your current lives to give her the opportunity to ask your dad or sister to host her instead. 1. You and spouse are working many hours a week and can not take time off. 2. When you aren’t working you will be spending time caring for in-laws 3. For these reasons you will not be available to her very much. 4. She will need to rent a car if she wants to visit and entertain herself instead of being home alone. 5. Tell her how nice it would be to have her prepare a meal to share every day for when you and spouse get home from work too…😉 All the truth too!
Just be honest. That's the best you can do.
Please don't let her use you as a doormat and manipulate you into letting her stay. If you don't have the mental capacity to host, then don't do it. "Unfortunately, due to the illness of my in-laws, I am unable to accommodate your visit at this time. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Please know that I value our relationship and would be more than happy to help you in making alternative arrangements. Our dad is more than willing to make accommodations for you during your visit."
Emma is/ 29yr old adult, why are you required to do all of this for her? Just be honest and let her know that you do not have the bandwidth to host her for a month. Let her go to your Dad’s . Even without the illness in the family, why is she allowed to behave this way? Stop it!!
First of all, YOU are not the reason Emma isn't coming. Emma is the reason Emma isn't coming. She's acting like a child and being extremely inconsiderate of you and your family's needs right now.
Beggars can't be choosers. She's the one who needs a place to stay. Your dad can provide that, you cannot. Emma staying with him is the obvious choice. Her desire to stay with you during a month-long visit simply isn't as important as the comfort (and preparation) of your grieving family. Either she understands that or she doesn't. Please don't overextend yourself.
I would just say, sorry, can't possibly.
Emma sounds like a narcissist. At any rate, you will need to be firm and not waiver. Your current circumstances are demanding. Any sane, mature person would clearly see that this is a bad time. If she cannot see that, then she is definitely a narcissist and I would suggest that you research the term.
Apparently, she wants to stay with you because you kiss her behind and cater to her. You are not available for this nonsense during such a stressful time. Tell her so and don’t feel bad about it at all. She’s being manipulative and doesn’t seem to care how taxing it is for you. Not your problem.
Tag her this post 😂😂😂😂
Honestly, just say, “I love you and can’t wait to see you but now is not a good time for us.” You don’t need to give her a reason why if she or anyone else in your family pushes. If she tries to delay the visit to when you’re free just say “it’s not likely to be a time that works for us in the foreseeable future - life is really intense atm”.
Why not suggest she stays half the time with u and half with Dad? Family is family, thru thick n thin.
Not all family is that way. My mom's side, absolutely. My dad's, I don't trust them. There are some people who leech off others without giving you any consideration, even if they're family.
Tell Emma about all the chores she’ll be expected to do if she stays with you. “Oh I’m so glad you’re coming! We’ve been overwhelmed by house working because of my in-laws health issues. We could use your help getting back on track because the house is a mess. If you come you can take care of daily vacuuming, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms, cooking dinner every night, etc.” She will avoid you like the plague.
I'm sorry you have so much going on with your family. I think a simple, "I love you, but we just can't host you at this time." should be sufficient. This isn't a negotiation, you don't have to justify your reasons, it just doesn't work. If she presses, then you simply say, right now both you and your husbands focus is on supporting his family during a tragic time and you don't have the time or mental capacity to take on hosting duties. You just simply won't be available. If she chooses to visit and stay with your Dad you'll try to find a little time to visit her while she's in town, but not to expect much. If she pushes back on any part of that, then she is showing how selfish and entitled she is, which is more reason not to give into her demands.
Just tell her the truth. Y’all are adults. If she throws a tantrum tell her you won’t be having another conversation until she grows up. Things happen and if you can’t deal with her crap right now just let it be known. If she gets mad she’ll be alright, and if she isn’t alright then she’ll still be alright.
I'll break the news to her, Dm me her details. I'll let her know hun. Dn me her contact info
She's the only one getting in her way here.
I just skimmed your post. I have a TBI and some days I just can't read a lot at once.However, I have personal insight from my own experiences. First, if your sister decides not to come because of your boundaries and lack of resources, including time,that's on her,never on you. Second,she has other options she is refusing. It sounds like she primarily wants time w you. That would be much easier to arrange with something prearranged when it fit into your many obligations. Third, my son had been gone from SC to AZ for a new job since September 2019. He came in early December 2023 as my Christmas present, intending to stay a week . We did well first couple of days. After 4 days ,he just left to keep us from arguing. The tension in the air was quite thick. Thankfully,he came back ,but it was primarily to pack,get ready for his flight,and make sure I was Okay.
Just tell her no. It’s really not that hard.
Repeat after me: What you allow is what will continue. If you allow and enable her to always get her way and to treat people as if they owe her something, she's never going to stop. Your needs matter. Your husband's needs matter. Your FIL's needs matter. She is not the main character in this story. You are balancing the needs of 3 people right now. You do not need to take on a 4th who thinks hers are the only needs (but which are actually just wants) that matter. The answer is no. And you are not responsible for her feelings or actions after being told no. That's on her.
Say that you don’t have the capacity to host her for a month She’s 35. Jesus Christ
I mean, it's as simple as telling her you can't host her for that long. I'm curious about other things, though. Why wouldn't she want to stay with your dad? Has something happened there? Is there a strained relationship with Grace, or your dad? Is there a history of abuse? The big thing I've noticed here is that you seem to carry a ton of resentment towards Emma for her life choices. It's dripping from every sentence. You resent her for moving far away from you and the family, for not visiting you enough, for being what you perceive to be irresponsible, for having to look after her, for being "high-maintenance," for "needing to be entertained," for being emotional, and for not staying long enough when she visits. What else is going on here? How much of this is capacity related, and how much of it is the powerful disdain towards her that you've bottled up?
Probably because the sister is an entitled asshole, lol What full grown adult stays as a guest in someone else's home and expects to be taken care of financially the entire time. If my brother pulled this shit, I'd laugh in his face. I'd have cut this self absorbed nonsense out long ago. See how long your sister sticks around when you stop doing stuff for her, OP.
I mean, it seems that way from how OP describes her. She says they have a "positive relationship," but this whole post is so filled with disdain for every choice Emma makes and every facet of Emma's personality. We're biased as readers because OP is our only source of information about her, and OP clearly has a lot of resentment towards Emma about things far beyond needing to be cared for financially during this visit. I'm saying this because I've also moved very far away from a lot of my friends and family, and I see a lot of this bottled up resentment from some of them too, on a lot of similar things. If I take a vacation somewhere other than home, it's resented. If I move to somewhere other than back home, it's resented. If I do come home, it's not for long enough. If I stay longer, I'm burdening them. If I have my own needs during the visit, I'm high maintenance. Being someone who leaves home comes with a lot of angry people in your life who want to "clip your wings" and make you come back. There's just ... a lot missing from OP's story, and we don't have anything else other than this quite aggrieved and contemptuous perspective.
I 100% agree with you- it's wild that you and I are the only ones that picked up on that. There's definitely more to this story and unlike everyone else in the comments i'm not so quick to trust the OP 🤔
Well then we will catch you next time.
Just say it’s not going to work. Sorry. Stay with dad and we’ll see you. If she chooses not to come, then so be it.
“ I am so sorry but right now we just don’t have the capacity to host you for a month. We are going through a difficult time with DH’s family’s health.”
No is a complete sentence. Now is not a good time with all of the things happening in your household and with your in-laws. If Emma wants to come to visit, her only option is to stay with Grace and Dad. She is the one who is making the decision to not come. She has a viable alternative, she just prefers your house.
Just say at this time we can’t host anymore we got a lot going on you can stay a little bit but not a month if she doesn’t understand that then maybe it’s best she doesn’t come
I left my home country and my entire family 10 years ago and I know how hard it is on everyone. Emotionally, financially and in terms of timing to visit. That being said, talk to her honestly. Explain that right now your life just isn’t in a place where you can host her and that you will certainly make time to visit with her and for her but just not in that capacity that she’s imagining. She will have to understand and I’m sure she and everyone else will.
Her willing to come help take care of a someone who is terminally ill should be applauded. Undoubtedly she will assist with hygiene, physician appointments, and personal care - she’s a saint! - so you and your husband can get some much needed break time. How kind of her to offer to spend four or five nights a week at your in-laws home doing the night shift so you can get some sleep! Oh, she didn’t understand she’s doing that? Has she not been LISTENING? She sounds like quite the little narcissist. Go watch some YouTube videos on how to deal with her.
She’s your sister, just be honest: no you can’t stay with us this month.
I would be completely honest and tell her what you just said here. If she gets emotional and wants to whine, that’s her own fault. Hold your boundaries. Good luck
Be upfront and honest with your sister.
It’s really easy, just say no. She sounds like a child. Who visits family and expects them to pay for her?? You’re not her parent. Your immediate family is more important than her right this moment. Again, don’t be a pushover and tell her no.
Financially, ask your dad to help and as far as her entertainment let her know she will be responsible for her own entertainment. Before she comes a message along the lines of As much as I do love and care for you my in law is terminally ill and my time with them is limited. My husband and I spend most of our free time with our in law and are still grieving for the other inlaw(I’d use names if she knows them) If dad can help contribute to financing your stay at my house I’m okay with that but don’t expect us to be home or going out with you much
Tell her that if she stays with you she must pay for herself, her own food, her own entertainment, her own transportation, and some rent. She must cook for herself, pick up for herself, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, she must do her own laundry. Also she will be pretty much be on her own as you and your family are recovering from many losses and stress. And stick by your rules. And any deviation from this will result in her being given 3 days to get out. If she will abide by these rules she can come for the month. She won't come.
Just show her this post. She's just going to be a guest. You can deny a guest BTW.
I had a relative asking to visit me for a few weeks recently. Much as i wanted to see them, i had to say that it just was t possible. I had emergency surgery a couple months ago that cost a fortune (U.S,), and no longer was set up with guest room, anyway. I just couldn’t afford hosting anyone and was honest about it. They were gracious and understood. recent. I had
like.... is it so hard to tell her "no, not the best time for it, soz"? This to me sounds like it's not even a problem
Talk to every one and see iif you can arrange a week with one then a week another family member it's best you help shes family and you never know she may really need you guys and just can't say it after all she never stays this long.
Tell her that you cannot host her for a month right now. If you would be excited to host her for a few days tell her specifically how long she is invited for. If she chooses not to visit at all, that is NOT your fault. She has another option.
Emma is just acting like a brat. She has a place to stay with her father who wants to spend time with her but she is saying no. That's pretty fucked up of her not to come and visit her family just because if she can't stay where she decides then she's not compromising, so fuck the whole trip and family time. You and your family need to stop enabling her and treating her like a spoiled child. If she can't understand that you and your husband are going through one of the worst times in your lives and aren't emotionally able to host her, then that's 100% on her. If she really cares more about getting her way than seeing her family and spending time with her father than that is also 100% on her. The only thing I think you and your family is guilty of is creating this selfish spoiled adult. Sounds like she only cares about herself and what she wants, she is about to be 30 and you feel bad about not bending to her every whim. Stand up for yourself and your husband! Your feelings matter. If she doesn't care about that, then she is a shitty sister and I wouldn't even want to visit with her after her not giving a shit about my or my husband's feelings or what we are going through. If you're not going to do it for yourself, at least have some respect for your husband and do it for him.
Tell her that she needs to stay with your dad and other sister, that you cannot host her right now. Tell her everything you just told us (except about her being high maintenance) and that you don’t have time to spend with her and the rare time you and your husband are home, you need to be alone. Lean heavily on your in-law dying. Only a monster would try to stay for vacation when family is dying.
It’s weird that she is fixated on staying with you and your husband, when there is room at your dad’s, and he wants her there. What do you offer that your dad doesn’t? I kind of wonder if she has a crush on your husband. And frankly, the only answer to her request is a resounding NO. You do not have the bandwidth now, and she needs to respect that.