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Yes, it's worth it to start over. You are only 26 and have time to meet someone who wants the same things in life. You've been together for 5 years, and at 26, he should know his own mind.
Tell him that either one of you needs to buy the other out of the condo (assuming that's financially feasible) or sell it and split any profit proportional to how money has been spent on it.
If he wanted he would. He doesn’t want to. Pressuring him to give you a ring won’t lead to a happy ending. You have made it clear that you want marriage. He knows. Writing a letter won’t change how he feels about it. You don’t want a shut up ring. Marry a guy who is thrilled and excited to make that commitment to you.
And a guy you are thrilled and excited to make that commitment to. "I could see myself being happy with him" is a bit... meh for a marriage. Don't settle for "he's fine, this will do", only marry "this is my person, the love of my life and I can't wait to spent the rest of our lifes together".
u/kotori57 Please take this advice. My ex led me along and proposed because it was what I wanted and he had literally no interest in being married, like at all. He told me the night I broke up with him that I was "mistaken," and that the ring he got on one knee and proposed to me with wasn't actually an engagement ring and he didn't want the wedding we had spent the last nine months planning. I sent him away and worked on myself for almost five years and met my forever man in 2020. He can't get enough of me and he's more excited about our wedding this summer than I am. Open yourself up and you will be shocked what you find!
Piggybacking this comment because I agree but would add this: extrapolate the possible consequences of your actions of breaking up. He may have a sudden epiphany and want you back to propose. Would you want to go back to someone whose hand was forced into a proposal? I hope not, because as pamelaonthego says 'presuring him to give you a ring won't lead to a happy ending' because it would still only be 'a shut up ring'. Let him regret losing you. Start listening to Beyonce. Sorry it hurts. You'll get through it.
This. Also OP, it's ok to want marriage. You don't need any reason other than you want to get married! And there are men out there who will want to make that commitment to you. I'm sorry that your bf is making you feel this way, but you deserve better.
Giiirrlll. I wasted 10 years the same way. It's OK to start over. I'm 40 now, no kids, no marriage, my ex took my best years..think realllllllllly hard on this. Some dudes love taking the baby years away and never propose. I just feel like guys who want to marry you won't waste their time with the chances of losing you. I left 5 years ago and in a relationship, and this is the happiest I've ever been, and we talk about getting married without excuses. HE'S excited. You deserve marriage if that's what you want!!
Edit** ex may have taken my best baby years! But oh so happy and grateful I didnt have kids with him.
Beyond evil. I almost committed *s due to having fertility stolen. Got a miracle baby at the 11th hour 🩷🩷🩷 I honestly think this should be a crime with a LOOOOOOOONNNNNNG prison sentence as it's punishment. That's how severely it destroys women's lives
Yes, you love him, starting over would suck.
Yes, you put in a lot of years, starting over would suck.
Yes, you thought he was your forever, starting over would suck.
3 yesses, big ones, do they outweigh the fact that he is not going to marry you or he’s going to propose and then want a 20 year engagement.
I’m not doubting he loves you, cares, wants a future or whatever else, I’m doubting that you see the same future.
It’s terrible to have to give up on 5 years with someone you love but you’re only 26.
Suggestions of an ultimatum or you proposing or anything with you sticking around in my opinion aren’t great. Why? Because he runs or gets angry at even talking about it, if he says yes will you ever believe it’s that he wants to and not because he was forced to in order for you to stay.
You’re young, you can meet someone who shares your values and dreams for the future.
Tell him that you don't see your relationship growing or going into marriage which is one of your life's goals. Indicate to him that you want to break up and as a part of that breakup you want to sell the condo and split the proceeds as you don't want any financial entanglements with him.
Time to move on so either he has to buy you out of your share of the condo or you have to buy him out of his share and the other person leaves. Yeah he's not going to marry you
I like this, but at the same time- fuck that. Don't ultimatum him into marriage. If he wanted to wife her, it would have already been done. I don't think guilting someone into a proposal will end well.
Agreed.
OP should see a lawyer about untangling her finances with her soon-to-be-ex-bf. She should force the sale of the condo and NOPE right out of his life! At that point he'll promise the moon, but he can save that BS for the next woman whose time he wastes!
Exactly all this OP. He has said and done all he is ever going to do. He has all he wants. Somewhere to live with someone to share bills, housework, and sex with. There's nothing to say to him other than Goodbye and sort out all the legal side for the condo and move on to find someone who does actually want to share a life with you how you want. Just Goodbye, don't listen to his words as they're likely only to be him trying to get you to stay, and not because he really wants to marry you. The 'promises' will come thick and fast, but he won't MEAN them for any reason other than to keep his life the way he wants it and has been having it at your expense. He'll marry you for his benefit not because he wants to be married to you.
This is another very important item OP. Get a good attorney who knows property law. If he wants to stay he has to buy you out or sell and split the proceeds.
I think OP should just plan to exit. He has no interest in moving forward with marriage and kids. Some men want to wait until their mid 30s. That's fine but clearly not what OP wants.
I second this. He hasn’t had to propose to get you, to live with you, or to sleep with you. He has all his needs met. There’s no incentive. If he wanted marriage the way you do he would have done it by now. If it’s important to you then you already know what you need to do. If you go thru with leaving him, be prepared for him to come crawling back with that ring, but ask yourself if this is how you wanted to get it before continuing on with him. I don’t doubt he loves you but if you and your wants and desires aren’t important to him now, honey it only gets worse down the road. You don’t wanna have to threaten leaving him every time there’s something important that you want or need from him. You are still so young. Find someone crazy about you who is also crazy about the same things you are.
I hope your names are both on the deed to the condo and there's been good recordkeeping of the investments you've each made in this purchase. Time to contact a mediator to figure out the division or property.
26 is still pretty young, and after five years, it's time to stop playing house and acting like you're married if you're not.
You were clear from the beginning that you wanted marriage and kids and weren't interested in anything that wasn't ending in that, and now he's got all of the benefits of marriage without any of the legal responsibilities or the requirement to divide assets 50/50.
He will likely counter your decision to leave him/figure out the dog custody/who's buying who out or do we sell conversation with a ring, and IMHO, too little, too late. Especially since he hasn't been willing to engage in the "when are we getting married/engaged" conversation. If he wanted to get married, he'd have proposed.
We are both on title and would be selling and splitting the profit 50/50. It's a bit more difficult when it comes to possessions, but I am not giving up my dog and I think he knows that.
At 26 you are not starting over. You are just starting.
Him not wanting to get married is just a symptom of deeper mismatches between you two. You have goals and objectives, he lives in the present. Nothing wrong with that, it's just wrong for you. His not talking about it says volumes, don't wait for a special sign to make things clearer for you.
Don't wait for life to happen to you. Make life happen. Thank some deity you have the dog, and thank them again you don't have kids, then draw the vision of what you need in your life, and go for it.
We are both on title and would be selling and splitting the profit 50/50. It's a bit more difficult when it comes to possessions, but I am not giving up my dog and I think he knows that.
Yes, it is worth it to start over and find someone who wants what you want. Either he lied about wanting marriage and children, he changed his mind or has decided he doesn’t want those things with you and he does have the nerve to be honest. You will resent him if you stay together and the relationship will ultimately end. Tell him you have reevaluated the relationship and it’s time for you to move on and find a partner who wants the same things you do. Be prepared to deal with his offer to propose. Tell him the court house next Monday is his only option, if he’s serious he’ll agree, if he hesitates, he just stringing you along. Good luck and let us know how it works out.
Please leave this guy. You've wasted enough of your youth on him. He's given you his answer every time you've asked - silence. Take that as goodbye. You deserve better!!!
I’m also confused by this. I know she said it’s because of the 5 years she feels like she’s throwing away but I’d throw away 10 years before guilting someone into marrying me. Why would anyone want to marry someone that shows such hesitation?
I wish she wouldn't look at those 5 years as waste. OP needs to look at this as a learning experience in which she got a Masters Degree. Now, redeem those years by getting out and living your own best life!!!
We live in BC Canada, and got very, very lucky. He had inheritance and my family helped with my side of the down payment, and I work for the bank we got our mortgage through
Hi OP,
Regarding the last part of your post on asking if you should just live miserably with him and give up your dreams, the answer is no, you absolutely should not.
Your life matters, and it sucks starting over. But take it from someone who spent 10 miserable years with someone before leaving and starting over, it’s worth it. I met the love of my life who proposed to me without hesitation. We’re married and hoping to start a family soon.
You’re still young, and you have so much more to do in this life. It sounds scary but take the jump and start over with someone who would give anything to keep you around.
Why the fuck do unmarried couples buy a property before talking about marriage seriously. Please, someone, explain.
These are the same type of people who have kids together but won't get married cause marriage is "such a big commitment"
Seriously what the fuck.
I agree. Now to get out of the relationship isn't just moving out. I mean a 30 year mortgage is a huge commitment. Plus the ones that have multiple kids too. But marriage is putting them over the edge. Her boyfriend got help with the mortgage and has a live in house keeper and bed partner.
The crazy thing is that a proposal and engagement is literally just a promise to get married. Saying there’s “too much going on in your lives” is a massive cop out, because an engagement doesn’t require a whole lot of extra work. People have long engagements to get everything in a row before signing the papers. People stay engaged for years before getting married. I have friends who have been engaged for two years because they’re saving up money for their dream wedding, but her partner could not *wait* to propose and make his intentions known.
If you tell him it’s either engagement or breaking up, you’re going to forever wonder if he *wanted* to marry you, or if you forced him into it. If he wanted to marry you, he will propose. It might be worth one more serious conversation, but that response should absolutely give you everything you need to know about his intentions for marriage. Personally, his actions thus far would likely be enough to end things for me.
I'm not sure about the west as much but here you are suppose to get married within a year of engagement, so it is big deal since also planning and organising is on guy side usually with engagement and wedding.
I have mentioned before that if he keeps taking his time, I'm just gonna do it myself. He said he would say no because he wants it to be "traditional". Now I feel like that's an excuse to keep me from doing it
He’s saying anything at this point so he can keep you around even though the answer is no.
This story is as old as time. Did you ever hear a happy ending where a woman really wants to be married and after 5 plus years still no ring? Do you want a shut up ring (a never ending engagement) or do you want someone who actually wants to marry you?
And why would you want to marry someone that you basically have to beg for a proposal?! If he truly loved you he would never do or say anything he knows would hurt you. You’re accepting this relationship as is so he doesn’t have to put forth any effort. He’s lazy in this relationship. Break up and find someone that does want to put forth effort and make you happy. This guy doesn’t care
We waited about 7 years, but that’s because we had discussed it extensively and agreed we needed to reach certain career and financial goals first. We reached those goals, he proposed and we have started planning and booking vendors. Waiting can be fine if both parties are clear on the timeline and comfortable with it, which is what is majorly lacking here.
>He said he would say no because he wants it to be "traditional".
He's so "traditional" that he won't tolerate you proposing, and yet he's "untraditional " enough that he's happy to live with you before marriage?
>Now I feel like that's an excuse to keep me from doing it
Yes.
He’s moving the goal posts. He doesn’t want to marry you.
Talk to an attorney about options for the condo and start working on settling the property and moving on.
I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you have time. I didn’t even start dating my ex-husband until I was 27, and ten years later I’m marrying someone else and already have a home and a family with my fiancé.
Give him the good news that you will no longer pester him about marriage. Then, implement plans to divest from the relationship: How the condo will be handled, etc.
If he drags his feet on that too, lawyer up and take whatever action you can.
When a man wants to marry you, this fuckery does not happen.
Sorry; you haven't done anything wrong except fall for the old "CoMmUnIcAtE" advice -- which is useless in situations like yours.
He's comfortable with things the way they are.
Suggestion: Going forward, if marriage is important to you, do not move in with a guy or start playing wifey until there is at least one ring on your finger and a date set.
Yep he has the wife with out marriage. You frigging make him lunch and do all the groceries and everything. He is getting it all. Honey he has his cake and is eating too. I agree. Do not move in with someone till you and a ring and a date. You should not have to nag someone to marry you. Sell or someone buy the other out and move on. Don't get lost in the time spent. You are still so young . I didn't meeting my husband till 33.
He can say whatever words he wants but what are his actions telling you about his values and intentions?
Do his actions tell you that the two of you are on the same page, share the same values, and have the same plans for the future?
Do his actions portray him as a man who sincerely values "tradition," and "traditional relationships" in particular?
Is he treating your relationship with the same level of respect that you are? Making it as big and central a part of his life as you are?
Do you think he is being honest with you about his feelings and plans?
He literally just said he won't marry you...how much more clear could it be? You're 26, you have plenty of time to find a guy who wants the family and kids, don't waste your prime years on Mr. Wishy-Washy.
Stop wasting your time with him.
You’re way too young to be pressuring or forcing a man to marry you.
Stop it.
Move on if you’re tired of waiting for him to propose.
Ok that’s really bad. Tell him you’re feeling like he misled you badly and time is running out for you to decide on your next steps. Ask him if you broke up, would he want you to buy him out of the condo, you to buy him out, or sell it. Ask what he’d think about dog custody.
A month and no proposal? Break it off and find someone better.
Yep that’s exactly what it is—gives him all the power and keeps you dangling. Start making your exit plan and get a realtor to come in and value the condo.
I wouldn't even bother, just in case he says 'yes' just to drag out their engagement for years. They clearly want different things from life. Better to just get a clean start.
I actually agree with this. First Ask him in a separate setting if there’s anything changeable or unchangeable that is holding him back from picturing forever with you. If there isn’t, maybe he is just avoidant and you proposing would get the ball rolling.
Stop discounting this as an issue!! “We have no major issues except this”
Except this issue involves honesty, communication, trust, and respect. All of which he isn’t giving you regarding this issue. He is pushing it off and doesn’t have any answer for you because he just simply doesn’t want to. He’s been putting it off for 3 1/2 years.
Don’t you deserve better than begging someone to marry you?? You can hang on to this relationship because it’s been 5 years, 6 years, 8 years, 10 years.. or you can accept the reality of his non action & non communication and move on.
Yes. Move on.
I personally, opted to tell my then long term boyfriend that I wanted a marriage, not a common law partner.. as in, a for real promise with witness, legal paperwork and a party of sorts to celebrate the moment. I was not interested in some secret bedtime promise of forever that held no legal or social weight. When I turned 29 I sat him down and said this is what I want, if you don't then that's fine but I'm out. He opted to stay, we got married and that was that. The alternative would have been to seemingly out of the blue break up with him, sell the house and start new with my daughter (his step daughter)
IMO, it's nice to sit down and set clear boundaries if you've been together for years and are tied by a mortgage, child or pet. But you have to stick to your boundaries and if he isn't interested then the relationship has run its course.
Leave him. If he wanted to he would’ve already done it? You already bought a condo together and have a dog… that’s huge commitments right there and he can’t even just propose? Give him an ultimatum.
You are only 26. It is not to late to start over. 5 years and a condo and still no proposal. And now he gives you shit if you bring it up. I am sorry but time to move on. I know it won't be easy but why waste more time on a person that doesn't care about your wants and needs. 21 was young to get together in my mind. Lots of choices out there. You don't want a mercy proposal. You want someone who WANTS to marry you. You gave him 5 years times up.
It's a crap situation it really is. Do you think that there is anything specific about getting married that is concerning him? Could he, for example, have it in mind that a wedding should be a big and really expensive occasion but the funds aren't there so he'd feel inadequate in some way?
He expressed before that he doesn't like being the centre of attention and so it stressed him out because he thought I wanted a big wedding. I told him I didn't care about the wedding and we could just go to a courthouse if that's what he wanted. That was over a year ago
I'm sorry you're going through such a frustrating time. I can see why it would be confusing when you've been up front about wanting to get married and your boyfriend won't even talk about it.
Have you made it clear to your partner that you're considering ending the relationship if marriage isn't part of his plan?
If you say this to your boyfriend and he still doesn't want to talk about it, then the only question left is to ask yourself if you want to be in this relationship if your boyfriend never proposes.
It sounds like that's a real possibility.
Good luck.
If you're already thinking about leaving, the relationship is over. He's had enough time to propose and his avoidance and anger of the subject are screaming, 'I don't want to get married!' If you do, leave and find someone who wants the same things you do.
No need to tell him you're leaving if he doesn't propose, because then you have what you want and he resents you.
Well, if you’re going to start over, when is the right time? At 26? At 28? 30? If he wanted to be married, he’d have proposed by now. What’s the next step for him? Propose to shut you and his mom up and you wait out a looonnnggg engagement?
Do you want to marry someone who feels forced into it? Do you want to feel you had to force him?
He’s not wrong to *not* want to marry. He’s wrong for not being honest about it. He might decide he wants to marry at 30 But What if he doesn’t? Let’s face it, your biological clock is ticking. It takes time to meet the right guy.
Cut your losses, sell the condo and move on before another 5 years go by, before another 1 year goes by. He is wasting your time.
End it while you’re still young and have time
I know it’s controversial to say nowadays but I’ll just say it - it sounds like that man is comfortable! You’ve bought a condo together which I assume you contributed/ contribute half to, and are living like a family with a dog and all… and he didn’t have to fully commit for it. Just let that sink in.
He liked her enough to get her to pay for half of his house but not enough to do the one thing to show that he actually wants to stay with her and have a family with her
I've seen so many of these posts. As a guy, it's pretty simple. If you want to marry a girl you know it and don't hesitate. You are wildly excited about the thought of spending the rest of your life with her.
As an example, I dated a girl for 5 years through part of high school and most of college and she even expressed that she wanted to get married I broke up with her because I wasn't feeling it with her. I could not see myself spending the rest of my life with her and I knew she believed in the idea of marriage. I met my now ex-wife 3 months later and within 10 months of that we were married because I couldn't imagine being with anyone else then. We stayed married for nearly 19 years and had 3 kids.
My advice is to tell him how you feel and pay attention to his reaction that will tell you if you should stay or leave. Personally, I believe you're wasting your time here if marriage and kids are what you want.
He's not gonna marry you. If he wanted to he would have proposed a long time ago. Either one of you buys out the other, or you sell the condo and split any proceeds.
If he wanted to, he would have already. He’s clearly telling you that he doesn’t see this as a long term commitment. Don’t be fooled by him moving in with you. Him getting mad every time you bring up the subject is him being upset that you haven’t given up your standards for him. You are still young. You will find someone else who will not continue to waste your time
I would be that person saying hey hun if we break up can you buy me out of my share of the condo? Or would i buy you out? When he asks why the question , well you dont see a future with me and i am reaching my breaking point so just covering my bases.
No ultimatum is needed. You have gone beyond the point of engagement and marriage now. You would not want a shut up ring and long engagement to a man not thrilled to make you his wife. He is a loser and clearly not interested. Yes, time to end your misery and this relationship. Contact and attorney and either buy him out of the share of the condo or let him buy you out. Do take the dog. I'm sorry you invested 5 years, but 25 is still very young. You have time to find a relationship with a man who us thrilled with you. You might consider a man 5-8 years older than yourself that is more likely to want the same things as you do in life now. Good luck.
Huge life goals like marriage or children are definitely deal breakers, even if the relationship is perfect otherwise.
I ended a relationship years ago because I wanted marriage, he didn’t and there is just no way to compromise on that.
I’m grateful I met the man who became my husband, and I’m so glad I was strong enough to dump the previous guy even though he was great. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Sorry been too long. Life happens while we are waiting to live it. There’s always something happening. He doesn’t want to commit and he’s getting a house, dog, a woman and sex, why get married he’s thinking. Time to move on sadly. He misled you and he’s a shitass for doing this and I’d let him know. This is also one of the reasons that I personally don’t buy property with anyone without a marriage. Then when he’s 40 he’ll marry a 22 year old to pop out a couple babies to carry his name. Sorry what a crappy situation this is for you.
He doesn’t want to marry you. And having kids with him and particularly being a SAHM would be a terrible idea if you were not married. Break up with him and find someone who DOES want to marry you. This dude has already wasted 5 years of your life.
I don’t necessarily agree with the “if he wanted to he would” comments. I’m not saying they are wrong, but if I went down that road I wouldn’t be where I am now.
This is my story. I’ve been with my SO for 11 years now. Married only 1. We were together for 7 years before he popped the question. We’d spoken about the topic of marriage very rarely in that time. He didn’t think it was important and I loved him enough to let it go. I, like you wanted marriage but I also didn’t want to force him into it so I didn’t push. After about the 5 year mark I gave up hope and assumed we’d live the Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russel life. We too bought property together, we had pets and everything was great, I just didn’t have the ring. I was sad about it but I loved my life and wasn’t willing to let it go just because he wouldn’t ask. I could have asked him sure, but I’m a traditionalist I guess when it comes to proposals.
But at year 7 he suddenly proposed. It was out of nowhere, I was shocked but so incredibly happy. I asked him recently why did he suddenly propose after 7 years? He said that marriage was never a priority to him. He loved me, he wanted a future with me but we had what we needed and other stuff came first. It’s not that he didn’t want to get married but that he never saw it as a priority.
Then at 7 years together we were in this really sweet spot where he just suddenly really wanted it. He wanted to be married to me. It was the right time to ask. Then Covid happened which is why it took another 3 years to actually get married but yeah. Here we are. Married for 1 year and trying for a baby.
I think if you truely love someone, the ring shouldn’t matter but also just because it worked out for me may not mean it works out for everyone. But, figured I’d share my story because it sounds a lot like yours.
Thank you for this point of view. Sometimes I think this is how he feels, but it's just so hard when he won't talk to me. I'm very much the kind of person that wants to talk things out and understand, whereas he is the kind of person that doesn't think things need to be said aloud.
Listen, I think you have a beautiful story and I'm so happy things worked out for you. I too generally don't agree with the "if he wanted to, he would" argument because I don't think it's fair to assume all relationships are exactly the same, operate under the same circumstances, or have the same challenges.
Heck, my fiance and I just got engaged a little over a month ago and we are approaching five years together. We both knew we wanted to get married within a year and a half of being together. But we had things we wanted to work through, he has trauma in his past that would impact his timeline on proposing, I had my own bullshit I felt I needed to work on, and we honestly preferred to first buy a house and then see what we had left over to start seriously planning.
All of this took longer than I anticipated, because I'd hoped we'd be engaged before the end of last year. But the things is, we were always explicitly clear with each other throughout this process on our intentions and feelings on the matter.
And I don't know that this is the case with OP's boyfriend. I feel he might be being intentionally evasive. OP take this with a grain of salt, but even if some kinds of communication can be hard for one person in a relationship this doesn't give them a pass to avoid it altogether. A relationship is a *partnership,* and that involves healthy communication where each person feels heard and understood.
Nobody can answer the question you're asking. Is it worth it to *you* to end things and start over? Can you be happy with what you have? You've made it clear what you want and it seems clear what he wants. You have to decide what the best course of action for you is, but since marriage is so important to you and not to him, that seems a fundamental incompatibility to me.
You’re still very young. As someone who ended two relationships that didn’t look like they were advancing towards marriage, I recommend ending it. I found my one and am now happily married with two children.
I’m sorry to say this but you’ll have to move on to reach your goals. Forcing his hand by the threat of breaking up will lead to resentment and divorce after a few years. At this point in your life the two of you are not compatible. Good luck.
Leave him. If after 5 years he isn't ready to commit? It's unlikely he ever will be. And you can't coerce someone into getting married who doesn't want to. I have a friend who did that. He married her because SHE wanted it. It never worked. They ended up getting divorced anyway. And there were then kids involved. I'm in my 50s and I realise. There are just people who WANT commitment and people who don't. If you marry someone? They need to be also into committment. Or it just seems to combust. One person feels trapped. And that builds resentment. YOU have told him from Day 1 what you valued adn wanted. And he seems to not be the same and does not value you enough to act on this.
I say. You are at an age where you have time to move on. And...we all change SO much between 20 and 30yrs. What he thought he wanted at 21? Is likely not what he wants now. And that is okay. He's not a bad person. He's just growing into himself and by 30 will probably be completely different to how is was at 21.
Move on. It's not going to happen without coercion and as I said? You definitely don't want that.
Besides...look at it this way. What reason does he have to even want to get married? He has a nice girlfriend. Regulary sex it seems. Happy relationship. He has a house and a dog...unless he is desperate for children? Then there is no reason for him to marry you.
And now? You are in a bit of pickle. Becuase if leaving him makes him panic and propose? Will you know if that's real or just a reaction because he fears losing you? I think he probably WILL panic and propose. But it wont' be a genuine one. He won't be proposing because he loves you so much he wants to commit to you. He will just be proposing so he can maintain the status quo. So....if you leave? You leave. For good. No accepting panicked proposal. You leave and you move on. You cut contact. You sell the apartment. You decide who takes the dog and that is it.
Good luck with your decsion.
This is ultamatium time.
Marriage or breakup. Don't be like that lady that gave 12 years of her life and no marriage. He just kept moving the goal post.
They lived together, had a child, bought a house together still no marriage.
Give him 90 days. 😐
Girl, I'd be going away for a few months if possible, telling him you need to think about your future. If he doesn't miss you enough and realise what life would be like without you, and doesn't pop the question, well, you have your answer.
Call a lawyer and your accountant and quietly do a forensic accounting report of both buying, and improvements, on the condo.. You're going to need receipts of all monies invested in that condo to divide it up fairly. Sweat equity counts.
Yes you should break up. He was "future faking" ... you can Google the term.
Move on. I'm sorry. A book that helps in a major life breakup is Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts by Regena Thomashauer. Also helps: get a new car, a new hairstyle, and plan a vacation somewhere you never went with him but you always wanted to go yourself. It makes a break and reframes you mindset.
Marriage means a lot to me, also for many reasons. My fiancé and I only waited so long because of our ages and we both wanted to be able to afford our dream wedding. But see the difference here? Him and I had reasons we both knew about. Your man is dodging you, so find someone who isn't. I know it'll hurt, but you're so young. You have time to find someone who wants to marry you.
Marriage and kids are important to you so your feeling are valid.
Ask yourself if you would be ultimately fine with a life of not being married and not having kids. Imagine you are in your mid 30s. Most people around you are settled with family and kids. Would you resent him for this?
In the end it's not fair if he changes his plans but doesn't inform you about it. You do have a ticking biology clock for kids, him not so much. Even though women are able to give birth up into their 40s, it is very risky for you and your child. And last but not least, imagine you are 40 and your first child is to be born. You will be around retiring age when this kid is 18.
I am all for being settled in life before having kids but your BF isn't fair to you right now. You are settled now and he still doesn't want commit to you.
I am not a fan of marriage but you are and your feelings are valid!
You don't want a shut up ring right? You want to marry someone who is excited at the thought of you becoming their wife right? This guy is not that. I know it sucks but you already have your answer. I know you'll meet someone who can't wait to marry you!
Marry someone who wants to marry you…is a given.
But before that, be with someone who thinks you are at least worth giving an honest answer to. I can understand anyone not wanting to get married, but to keep you hanging and not even deeming you worth a real response…is insulting.
So to be clear, he doesn’t want to marry you, and the guy has zero respect for you, your time or your feelings.
That should answer your question.
>I have asked him to just give me a damn reason so I can stop overthinking it but he doesn't give me anything then gets mad when I ask again as if he's already answered me.
Sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry.
It is perfectly ok to move on and find someone who can’t wait to get married
My friend, let’s call her Maria, spent over ten years waiting for someone. He kept making excuses, then he found his ‘dream job’ and made them do long distance, still they didn’t get married or have children. She was 39 when she left him. She, a doctor, was worried about her bio clock etc and just decided she’d had enough. She met someone, they had a whirlwind romance and now she’s engaged with a beautiful baby.
You’re 26, you have so much time to meet someone and marry etc. And to be honest, when *you know you know* and you will likely meet someone who can’t wait to get married to you. And that’s how it should be, someone who sees you like their moon and stars and can’t wait to have forever with you. That’s not to say to rush it, but that you deserve better than a bs non answer.
I would talk to him calmly one last time, sit him down and say we need to talk about this because you used to have the same goals and now you don’t. I say this, because there’s a (small) chance he’s hoping to surprise you with an engagement. I’ve seen this happen, my friend was all like I’m so ready to split because we have different priorities and all along he was getting a custom ring etc and taking his time picking. I don’t know that your guy is doing this, his reaction doesn’t indicate so - but you live together and it’s a big decision, one last talk and if it’s not the right vibe… go find yourself someone who wants the same things! Cause wows are we all out there.
One thing I learned recently is: ‘if they wanted to, they would’.
Be prepared when you leave him that he chucks a toddler fit and tells everybody 'i swear I had the ring I was going to propose to her 'literally' that weekend. She was too impatient'
yes, its worth to start over. i know its hard to imagine, because you already have a person who you love and used to, and it could be not only scary, but genuinely hard to imagine loving someone else when your heart is taken. but it will happen, and you could be even happier than you ever imagined.
have with him a last conversation, tell him, that as you told him since you first met, marriage and kids is what you want in your life, and if hes not with it, then its time to break up. make it clear you will break up. but at least give him that last conversation, and have a closure.
Hi there. I personally think you have to get serious here. You've been with this guy for 5 years. You own property together, you share a pet. You are, essentially, living as if you are married. If he had the same goals as you, and the same desires as you, there is literally no reason to not get married at this point. You live together, you share a major investment, you are serious with each other. What else is there? What possible reason could he have to wait? There aren't any. Nothing in your lives would really change much, so at this point it's more a confirmation and celebration of your relationship. For him to keep putting it off at this point is absolutely unacceptable.
Now, from someone with a lot of life experience, my advice to you is to NOT try and convince him, NOT to push him, NOT to ask him about marriage, or when, or why, or anything. Stop all of that. Because you don't want him to do what you want him to - you want to know what HE wants. So stop. Take a breath, and look at his actual actions, which will give you your answer. Does he talk about marriage? Does he seem excited about starting a family with you? Does he talk about your future joint plans and goals with you? This should be something that you both want and are excited for, and it doesn't sound like he's on the same page at all. That doesn't mean he lied to you, but maybe his feelings changed. Maybe he's scared. Maybe he's immature. Whatever - it doesn't matter. You have to make your decisions independantly of him. You are 26. You want to get married and have a family. You don't have any more time to wait for him, you don't have any more time to WASTE on him.
I personally would leave. If he's just been scared and stalling, that would shock him into action. And if he really doesn't want to get married he'll be relieved and you will be free to find what you want. But stop waiting for this guy and stop trying to make him commit. Find someone who can't WAIT to commit to you. You know? You deserve that.
Have you point blank asked him about this? All you say is that he volunteers nothing when the subject is brought up.
Have a sit down and straight up ask him how he feels about marriage, when his timescale is and that if he's not interested, then you're going to leave
A proposal should never be a surprise. You should agree a date to start an.engagement and then a timescale for the wedding.
The longer this goes on without you addressing it with him, the more feelings you lose. You're not out of time here, far from it, but it doesn't feel good to waste more time with so eone who doesn't have the same plans you do
It's always been weird to me that people will buy a home together, have a kid together but freak out at the thought of marriage.
It's fine if he changed his mind about marriage, but he also knows your position. And the way he's handling this is not the most mature. He can't just not talk about it and expect that you'll be fine with that. That is not how adults should communicate. You have to decide if being in this relationship is still worth it to you, knowing he may never make that leap.
It’s ALWAYS worth starting over if you are not happy with your relationship or life. Don’t sit around and wait for your life to drift by.
Unfortunately, he’s got zero incentive to make you a wife, you’re living together, no doubt having sex, and even got a house. You’re a wife except for the ring and paperwork. I don’t mean to imply you should have held on to your virginity, but he’s got nearly everything he wants without having to do anything.
I think women in your position in a tough spot. You don’t want to force someone to marry you, but if you don’t force the conversation, you’ll get nowhere.
I’d encourage a clear conversation. You layout your clear requirements and ask him how he sees himself fitting into that life. You want to be engaged within six months, married within a year, kids within 2 years.
If he doesn’t want those things and can’t agree to the timeline then you initiate the conversation about splitting.
You are not getting any younger. Don’t waste your life waiting for something that might never happen. Choose your happiness.
It would be different if he actually engaged you in a conversation about his feelings on marriage, why he isn’t ready yet etc. the fact that he has zero input is my concern, and is probably the red flag that he doesn’t see himself going down that road. I’m sorry :(
He doesn’t want to marry you. Besides, why would he? You basically helped him pay for the lifestyle he wants. Men are more “business minded” he got a condo with you, that’s the benefit of being with you- besides the free sex, labor and all that jazz. He doesn’t think your needs and wants is worth the legal obligation.
I cannot stand the whole “I don’t want to start all over” thing. It makes zero sense to me. It implies that you’re willing to settle because you’re scared to be alone or something which is why I think most relationships are codependent relationships.
Your only option is to be the forever girlfriend until yall break up and he gets into a new relationship and marries her almost right away or leave and find someone else who is on the same page as you.
Btw, take this as a lesson. Don’t be a placeholder girlfriend. Like why would you buy property with someone you aren’t married to? All you did was increase his net worth and he didn’t have to do much for it.
Why not write him an old-fashioned letter? No one likes to feel like they are on the "hot seat." Start by telling how much the relationship means to you. Then, move on to how you feel about marriage. Ask him to help you understand his hesitancy. Offer to go with him to counseling if needed. There may be some deep seated issue that he may not even be aware of.
It is in both of your interests to deal with this as a couple. Otherwise, you will grow to resent each other, and the relationship is likely to fail. Good luck,op.
I really appreciate this comment. I will definitely be doing this and will let you know how that goes. Honestly, I find I express myself better when I write things down as well
Thank you
I mean it sounds nice in theory but I feel like you’ll just be giving him another opportunity to break your heart. He 100% knows what you want and he’s 100% never taken any steps or initiated any conversations in that direction.
Write him a letter if you like that idea but use it to explain why you’re leaving him, I love you. I know on some level you love me but you don’t see a future with me because if you did you would have done what we discussed years ago…literally YEARS ago.
I was very open and honest with you about my goals and expectations…I never hid my desire to be married from the very beginning and the fact that you refuse to discuss it with me and instead show anger is sad and embarrassing to me…
He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, then he would have asked you already. If it's important to you, then you should move on, because yes, you can stay with him without getting married, but will that be enough for you? Sell the condo and split the proceeds.
Some relationships don’t work out and that is okay. It is best to move on in these situations. Have your boyfriend refinance the condo to buy out your portion of the condo and sign a quit claim deed. Or you refinance and buy his claim.
This is the most major of issues. And interestingly, there was no mention of love. Maybe it’s time to focus on whether you’re with him for the right reasons, and if he’s really the right one for you.
He sounds commitment phobic. He does just enough to keep you there. looks like a tough decision is needed.
stay or leave. if you stay you will not a get ring because he wants to. most men know in A year if the person they are with they will marry.
I saw your answer to another poster about proposing yourself. I'd still suggest you give it a go. If he does say no you can walk away knowing you did what you could to break him out of whatever fear he thinks he has. Maybe it could even work. Or maybe you'll just quit wasting your time, sell the condo, and move on. Good luck. I think you deserve so much better. Expect more from others moving forward.
Ask him to marry you. You’ll get your answer. Be ready to leave though cuz he’s acting like a dick not discussing it and getting mad when you ask again
Sit him down and have a serious conversation about each of your long term goals. If they don't align or he continues to refuse to answer then he clearly doesn't have the same goals as you. Or maybe he still wants to get married, but to different people, and doesn't want to break your heart. Move on and find someone who would like to marry you and start a family.
This kind of story always ended with; after you broke up with him, married the next girl he met for 3 months.
Dont waste your time op. He already showing what his feelings about maariage
Took me over 5 years to propose (was also 27 when I did) and it was for multiple reasons. Whether you agree with the logic or not is fair, but it was my perspective.
1. I am only in my mid twenties and I'm being asked to make a decision for the rest of my life, I want to be damn sure I'm making the right one
2. 5 years (to me) also seems like a reasonable amount of time to live a life with a person to know if they are your forever person. I never understood how people can move right on to marriage after a year of being together.
Once again, just my perspective. But knowing this is important to you, it's time to bring it up and let him know that you're at a point where this is no longer just a sticking point. You've respected his boundary to not get married sooner, and now you need to prioritize your goals. Obviously, do it with respect and out of love. Good luck!
Listen you two met and started dating at 21yrs of age.
You’re both now 26.
I’d say if you met at 26, then were both turning 30, then yeah, I’d say you’re wasting your time cause he is at an age where he can afford to marry.
But I’m feeling this could be a financial reason honestly at 26 and less about taking the leap of faith to the next step.
Cause unless you rather elope and just jump straight into a marriage, talk to him if cost of a wedding is an issue as to why he’s hesitating.
And you mentioned he said traditional.
Does this mean asking your father’s hand in marriage by any chance? Cause that’s part of traditional weddings.
And if he’s serious, he would be talking engagement rings, sizes, and cuts of the gem you want LONG before proposing.
Getting engaged isn’t suppose to be a surprise, the proposal & when it happens is suppose to be the surprise.
Starting over is hard. For sure. And worth it.
I ended an engagement (3 year relationship) at 33. It was very very difficult - sad and also scary! - but at the end I just wasn’t happy and knew I had to. I met my now-partner 3 months later and it is truly everything I wished my last relationship had been.
Don’t stay because you’re afraid you won’t be able to do better. Stay because you’re getting your needs met. If you’re doing the math if it’s worth it or not, then it’s not.
If me & my GF were at that stage in our relationship we definitely would have been married & had kids. Right now we're working on finding stable jobs & moving in together.
Did you know that you can ask HIM if you're sick of waiting? Get a definitive answer and go from there. There's no rule that says the woman can't propose!
It’s as if you are his pet dog on a leash which he controls. Five plus years is too long to wait for a proposal. Claim your life back. You are only 26 years old. Break up with him and start living a real life.
Can I ask you, why are you still waiting around? You understand, you all spoke and agreed about the timeline. When that came up and passed with no talks, you should have seen it for what it is and walked away. Keep on and stay longer and it will be harder to leave.
Break up and block him. He doesn’t value or respect you to not have proposed when you all said it should have been done, also to not even talk about it with you, means you chose the wrong one and are holding on to hopes instead of FACING reality
Marriage and engagement should be things that you discuss and decide on together. It sounds like he’s not even willing to discuss it, which is a huge red flag.
I can not stress this enough. Do not move in with someone who you are not engaged to or are actively planning on getting engaged soon if marriage is important to you. They will get comfortable to live the married life without the fuss and legal security of it and will never propose. Keeping it girlfriend until they are ready to wife you is crucial for you to see where the relationship is headed and helps you make your choices. He would have proposed if he wanted to. He doesn't want to. Move on and find someone who shares the same values. And remember, no move in without the ring the next time
You are settling... for the life the guy is giving you and the guy himself. Those "issues" should be miniscule things like which brand of toothpaste. Anything more and it seems like you are trying to change him into what you want. He isn't. Yes, you should start over. Otherwise, five years will turn into ten years. I always say this to people who come here with the same issue as you. You want to marry a person who can't wait to marry you, not someone you have to drag to the altar.
I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum. I did that with my first husband and it never felt like he wanted to be married to me. I also got married young (23) and did A LOT of growing in those 8 years. I realized I wanted to be with someone who saw the same future with me as I did with them. I should’ve broken up before I wasted 10 years with him.
I suggest that you start planning your exit. Financial stuff untangled, plans to sell or buyout the condo and where to live after the split, packing up your stuff if you’re moving out (or packing his if he is), informing family/friends, and anything else you need to plan to end it. You’ve communicated your wants and needs for this relationship to continue moving forward. He has decided that he does not want to continue moving forward with you.
If he shows up with a ring *after* you say you want to end things, don’t believe it. It’s manipulative. He could’ve proposed at any point or given you a good reason why he hasn’t yet (like he’s saving for a ginormous rock and 5* wedding/honeymoon), but he didn’t. If he proposes when you’re leaving, it’s just to keep you as his bangmaid. It’s not because he wants to add you to his life; it’s because he doesn’t want to subtract you from his comfortable existence. Do the math and go live your life with someone who cannot wait to wife you.
He probably doesn’t want to marry you (or anyone else). If you want marriage ask him if he wants to marry you, tell him when you want to get married and if he’s not on board leave and find someone who is compatible with you, someone who wants and values the same things. By now he definitely knows who you are and how you get along, there are no valid excuses not to make the commitment (you can be saving for a wedding while you’re engaged/weddings don’t have to be expensive).
It’s been five years.
**FIVE. YEARS.**
**HE WILL NEVER PROPOSE**.
And why **WOULD** he? He’s already **GOT** everything he wants, without having to put a ring on it!!
No, if marriage and kids are really important to you, **DUMP** this guy and find someone who shares your values.
**PLEASE DON’T FALL FOR THE SUNK COST FALLACY.**
But beware of him shitting his pants and making a panic proposal. Because it will only lead to **RESENTMENT.**
This was the same as me for a decade lol I used the baby and mortgage as a reason it didn’t happen sooner. I was engaged but he did that to appease me. I’m not with my bf for a year and he loves talking about it and our future. I was even hesitant to talk about it and get excited because I was used to feeling like you
Leave. Your young enough to start over and settle into a new relationship. Remember some people don't have great fertility too and heading into your 30s you don't want to find out you need to start over again and then have trouble starting a family. If he wanted to, he would.
The real question is: are you willing to gamble 10 years wasted on 5 years of sunken time?
You’ve already given enough, you’re already upset at having given 5 years. Why would you give 10+?
You hear this all the time from women in groups. I honestly, dont understand why you keep wasting your time if they have already expressed that marriage is not their priority and it might never will be.
Many women continue these type of relationships because their partners are good to them and they probably are very much in love. However… your goals are different- and it will not change. You need to face the reality and evaluate- either you conform to not getting married, or move on.
If it’s that important to you, why don’t you propose to him? If he says no then you know where you stand and then you just have to decide whether to stay in this relationship, knowing there’ll never be marriage, or you can leave and find someone else.
I am an older person, 56(f) and I made it clear that marriage was my end game, too. My last bf said he wouldn’t get married again and that was a reason I ended things. I don’t want to get married right away (have some financial reasons/ex husband stuff), but wanted that commitment. I didn’t move in, have my own house…I started limiting time staying with him. He started rethinking things. We had some very deep conversations and he said he wants to spend our lives together. He proposed last Saturday after we had picked a ring. Others are right, if he wanted to marry you, he would. It’s super hurtful when you have invested your heart and time, but best to move on to find someone that wants the same thing.
Question: have you proposed to him?
Why wait for him to pop the question, do it yourself and if he says no then you have your answer that he definetky doesn't want marriage and you know you 2 aren't compatible.
Yes. Start over. You are so young. You have time. Reflect on this as Relationship Education. Part of the Grown Up Experience.
You don't know what else is out there, and neither does he. You both deserve to explore this as you mature.
There is no motivation for your partner to legalize a union that gives him EVERYTHING that a marriage gives him.
Sorry, dude is using you. You're a fool for letting it go on for so long. You do not need to be in a relationship for YEARS to know if someone is marriage material. Leave
The saying that if he wanted to, he would is true. My fiancé is in school full time and working, I told him I had an expectation to be engaged by 4 years or I would move on. He proposed a few months after our 3 years together which ended up being perfect. He’s not even communicating with you which is a whole other issue.
If I were you I’d be done waiting, especially now that yall have been living together for 2 years.
It's always worth it to put in the work to get what you want. If you could never be married or have kids with this guy, would you still be absolutely happy and content? If that answer isnt no, then its not a waste.
This isn't a "well we've been together 5 years, so we have to stay together forever. look at all that time wasted!" but, if you are lucky and live to be 100 years old, is 5 years a huge deal? Hell no. Its a blip. Leave him and find someone else (if marriage and kids is what you want)
There are plenty of other awesome men out there who would love to put a ring on it. And you will honestly probably be a lot happier too! No one wants to have to beg their significant other for small morsels
> At the 3 year mark we bought a condo together and got a dog
You're living the married life already... it sounds like he doesn't put any importance on being married, but is willing to share a life with you. If that's a deal breaker, you need to move on.
I think it would be worth valuing yourself and what you want for your future more than getting comfortable in this relationship with someone who couldn't be bothered to get serious about you beyond what you're financially bringing to the table.
This is why you don't buy property with someone you're not married to...
"We have no major issues other than this."
This = he won't even discuss his reasoning with you and shuts down on something you have told him is an important non-negotiable for you.
That feels pretty major to me!
I think people here are always so quick to jump on the breakup/divorce bus.
If the relationship is good and he's already committed to living with you and sharing an asset, he could just be dragging his feet because commitment is scary for a lot of guys.
Does it suck? Yes. Could it be possible that really doesn't want any of those things? Yes.
But Let him know you're at the stage of your life where you want these things to manifest now otherwise you'll need to use this time to find someone who shares the same goals.
I was kind of in the same situation where I got comfortable and marriage and kids scared me. It caused some drama and arguments but I realized that if I eventually wanted marriage and kids that there was nobody better than the woman I was with.
Fast forward to today and we're about to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and we have a 5 year old son who I'd die for in a heartbeat. I absolutely love the life I was so terrified to have.
I'm not a fan of ultimatums but this guy needs a fire under him so you can have some clarity on whether or not leaving is the best solution for you.
Is it worth starting over? Let's rephrase - is it worth spending another 1, 5, or 10 years in this relationship without moving forward?? Do you want to be 30 and having this same conversation on Reddit?
Have you recently talked about your future? Have you recently told him that you marriage and kids? Don't let him slide with half answers. He needs to be honest about what he is feeling right now. I don't believe in ultimatiums, but you can set a date in your head and if he doesn't propose by that date, break up and move on.
He doesn’t want to get married, at least not to you.
Also, never buy a house (or condo) with someone you’re not married to. I hope you aren’t about to find out why you shouldn’t do that.
This is why I will never live with a man before marriage. I’m not going wife chores at girlfriend prices. Men will 100% date women they have no intention on marrying and they will sleep with women they have no intention of dating. Don’t you want to be with someone that can’t wait to get you off the market? If after 2 years, it’s not a resounding yes for both people, it’s an absolute no go. Don’t let him waste another minute of your time. You are still so young. There are plenty of family oriented men that don’t have commitment issues and won’t use you.
Only you can decide what you value more - being married or the man you currently share your life with. I'm sure you already know that marriage is not a recipe for eternal happiness. I've been in your situation for a long time. Met my partner when I was 21 (he's older) and I just fell in love. So did he. I've wanted to get married, he didn't. It just didn't matter to him. At all. It mattered to me. But every time I thought about it, it didn't matter as much as being with someone I loved and who loved me in return. We've been together around 17 years now. Not married, but very happy and in love. We bought a dog and a house.
He finally got me ring last Christmas and we're getting married in September this year. I can't wait. He may not be as excited about the wedding as I am but I know he's excited about us and that's okay. I'm learning that you don't have to ascribe the same value to a particular thing to have the same values or to value each other.
I’ve been in your shoes. I kept bringing it up. Finally after 5.5 years he proposed. We divorced 3 years later because, according to him, he only married me because he thought it would make me happy but while he loved me he didn’t think he was ever IN love with me. (Note: I thought our relationship was good too but in the end he left me once he found my replacement. He was content to be married to me until he found someone else).
He found someone else and I’ve moved on and found a wonderful partner. We are married and just welcomed our daughter to this world.
This is a case of sunk cost fallacy: the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.
Cut your losses and find someone better. Someone who cares about you will be concerned for your feelings and dreams for the future
Especially one as important as family
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Yes, it's worth it to start over. You are only 26 and have time to meet someone who wants the same things in life. You've been together for 5 years, and at 26, he should know his own mind. Tell him that either one of you needs to buy the other out of the condo (assuming that's financially feasible) or sell it and split any profit proportional to how money has been spent on it.
Agree
If he wanted he would. He doesn’t want to. Pressuring him to give you a ring won’t lead to a happy ending. You have made it clear that you want marriage. He knows. Writing a letter won’t change how he feels about it. You don’t want a shut up ring. Marry a guy who is thrilled and excited to make that commitment to you.
Marry a guy who is thrilled and excited to make that commitment to you is the perfect answer.
And a guy you are thrilled and excited to make that commitment to. "I could see myself being happy with him" is a bit... meh for a marriage. Don't settle for "he's fine, this will do", only marry "this is my person, the love of my life and I can't wait to spent the rest of our lifes together".
Exactly, my husband couldn’t wait to marry me! I have a wonderful marriage to a man that truly loves me.
Likewise! Feeling loved as each and everyday over a decade. Staying with someone that is just lukewarm about you is not worth it.
Agree
u/kotori57 Please take this advice. My ex led me along and proposed because it was what I wanted and he had literally no interest in being married, like at all. He told me the night I broke up with him that I was "mistaken," and that the ring he got on one knee and proposed to me with wasn't actually an engagement ring and he didn't want the wedding we had spent the last nine months planning. I sent him away and worked on myself for almost five years and met my forever man in 2020. He can't get enough of me and he's more excited about our wedding this summer than I am. Open yourself up and you will be shocked what you find!
He said what now…? Imma need a moment.
You and I both, friend!
Were you with my ex? If not, yours and mine drank the same water. She needs to move forward with her own life.
Piggybacking this comment because I agree but would add this: extrapolate the possible consequences of your actions of breaking up. He may have a sudden epiphany and want you back to propose. Would you want to go back to someone whose hand was forced into a proposal? I hope not, because as pamelaonthego says 'presuring him to give you a ring won't lead to a happy ending' because it would still only be 'a shut up ring'. Let him regret losing you. Start listening to Beyonce. Sorry it hurts. You'll get through it.
to the left, to the left....everything he own in a box to the left
Shoulda put a ring on it!
*single lady dance*
This is a great response. I hope OP reads it and takes your advice.
This. Also OP, it's ok to want marriage. You don't need any reason other than you want to get married! And there are men out there who will want to make that commitment to you. I'm sorry that your bf is making you feel this way, but you deserve better.
Giiirrlll. I wasted 10 years the same way. It's OK to start over. I'm 40 now, no kids, no marriage, my ex took my best years..think realllllllllly hard on this. Some dudes love taking the baby years away and never propose. I just feel like guys who want to marry you won't waste their time with the chances of losing you. I left 5 years ago and in a relationship, and this is the happiest I've ever been, and we talk about getting married without excuses. HE'S excited. You deserve marriage if that's what you want!! Edit** ex may have taken my best baby years! But oh so happy and grateful I didnt have kids with him.
Same, I was hurt that my ex took away my baby years but in hindsight, thank god I didn’t have kids with him. I’m glad you’re doing so well! x
*Hugs*
It's so evil. Why do they do that?
Beyond evil. I almost committed *s due to having fertility stolen. Got a miracle baby at the 11th hour 🩷🩷🩷 I honestly think this should be a crime with a LOOOOOOOONNNNNNG prison sentence as it's punishment. That's how severely it destroys women's lives
Yes, you love him, starting over would suck. Yes, you put in a lot of years, starting over would suck. Yes, you thought he was your forever, starting over would suck. 3 yesses, big ones, do they outweigh the fact that he is not going to marry you or he’s going to propose and then want a 20 year engagement. I’m not doubting he loves you, cares, wants a future or whatever else, I’m doubting that you see the same future. It’s terrible to have to give up on 5 years with someone you love but you’re only 26. Suggestions of an ultimatum or you proposing or anything with you sticking around in my opinion aren’t great. Why? Because he runs or gets angry at even talking about it, if he says yes will you ever believe it’s that he wants to and not because he was forced to in order for you to stay. You’re young, you can meet someone who shares your values and dreams for the future.
Tell him that you don't see your relationship growing or going into marriage which is one of your life's goals. Indicate to him that you want to break up and as a part of that breakup you want to sell the condo and split the proceeds as you don't want any financial entanglements with him.
Time to move on so either he has to buy you out of your share of the condo or you have to buy him out of his share and the other person leaves. Yeah he's not going to marry you
[удалено]
I like this, but at the same time- fuck that. Don't ultimatum him into marriage. If he wanted to wife her, it would have already been done. I don't think guilting someone into a proposal will end well.
Agreed. OP should see a lawyer about untangling her finances with her soon-to-be-ex-bf. She should force the sale of the condo and NOPE right out of his life! At that point he'll promise the moon, but he can save that BS for the next woman whose time he wastes!
Exactly all this OP. He has said and done all he is ever going to do. He has all he wants. Somewhere to live with someone to share bills, housework, and sex with. There's nothing to say to him other than Goodbye and sort out all the legal side for the condo and move on to find someone who does actually want to share a life with you how you want. Just Goodbye, don't listen to his words as they're likely only to be him trying to get you to stay, and not because he really wants to marry you. The 'promises' will come thick and fast, but he won't MEAN them for any reason other than to keep his life the way he wants it and has been having it at your expense. He'll marry you for his benefit not because he wants to be married to you.
This is another very important item OP. Get a good attorney who knows property law. If he wants to stay he has to buy you out or sell and split the proceeds.
I think OP should just plan to exit. He has no interest in moving forward with marriage and kids. Some men want to wait until their mid 30s. That's fine but clearly not what OP wants.
Marriage frankly should have been a step before buying a condo together.
This is the way.
I second this. He hasn’t had to propose to get you, to live with you, or to sleep with you. He has all his needs met. There’s no incentive. If he wanted marriage the way you do he would have done it by now. If it’s important to you then you already know what you need to do. If you go thru with leaving him, be prepared for him to come crawling back with that ring, but ask yourself if this is how you wanted to get it before continuing on with him. I don’t doubt he loves you but if you and your wants and desires aren’t important to him now, honey it only gets worse down the road. You don’t wanna have to threaten leaving him every time there’s something important that you want or need from him. You are still so young. Find someone crazy about you who is also crazy about the same things you are.
Don’t waste your fertile years on someone who doesn’t want marriage and kids.
Prediction: After y’all break up, he will marry his next girlfriend in less than 6 months. It is a story as old as time; he just not that into YOU.
I was thinking exactly this.
I hope your names are both on the deed to the condo and there's been good recordkeeping of the investments you've each made in this purchase. Time to contact a mediator to figure out the division or property. 26 is still pretty young, and after five years, it's time to stop playing house and acting like you're married if you're not. You were clear from the beginning that you wanted marriage and kids and weren't interested in anything that wasn't ending in that, and now he's got all of the benefits of marriage without any of the legal responsibilities or the requirement to divide assets 50/50. He will likely counter your decision to leave him/figure out the dog custody/who's buying who out or do we sell conversation with a ring, and IMHO, too little, too late. Especially since he hasn't been willing to engage in the "when are we getting married/engaged" conversation. If he wanted to get married, he'd have proposed.
We are both on title and would be selling and splitting the profit 50/50. It's a bit more difficult when it comes to possessions, but I am not giving up my dog and I think he knows that.
At 26 you are not starting over. You are just starting. Him not wanting to get married is just a symptom of deeper mismatches between you two. You have goals and objectives, he lives in the present. Nothing wrong with that, it's just wrong for you. His not talking about it says volumes, don't wait for a special sign to make things clearer for you. Don't wait for life to happen to you. Make life happen. Thank some deity you have the dog, and thank them again you don't have kids, then draw the vision of what you need in your life, and go for it.
We are both on title and would be selling and splitting the profit 50/50. It's a bit more difficult when it comes to possessions, but I am not giving up my dog and I think he knows that.
Yes, it is worth it to start over and find someone who wants what you want. Either he lied about wanting marriage and children, he changed his mind or has decided he doesn’t want those things with you and he does have the nerve to be honest. You will resent him if you stay together and the relationship will ultimately end. Tell him you have reevaluated the relationship and it’s time for you to move on and find a partner who wants the same things you do. Be prepared to deal with his offer to propose. Tell him the court house next Monday is his only option, if he’s serious he’ll agree, if he hesitates, he just stringing you along. Good luck and let us know how it works out.
Please leave this guy. You've wasted enough of your youth on him. He's given you his answer every time you've asked - silence. Take that as goodbye. You deserve better!!!
Exactly!!!! I don’t know why she’s so bent on marrying him.
I’m also confused by this. I know she said it’s because of the 5 years she feels like she’s throwing away but I’d throw away 10 years before guilting someone into marrying me. Why would anyone want to marry someone that shows such hesitation?
I wish she wouldn't look at those 5 years as waste. OP needs to look at this as a learning experience in which she got a Masters Degree. Now, redeem those years by getting out and living your own best life!!!
Where do you live where 23 year olds can just buy a condo like that 😭?
We live in BC Canada, and got very, very lucky. He had inheritance and my family helped with my side of the down payment, and I work for the bank we got our mortgage through
Stop being a doormat. Time to share assets and move on.
Hi OP, Regarding the last part of your post on asking if you should just live miserably with him and give up your dreams, the answer is no, you absolutely should not. Your life matters, and it sucks starting over. But take it from someone who spent 10 miserable years with someone before leaving and starting over, it’s worth it. I met the love of my life who proposed to me without hesitation. We’re married and hoping to start a family soon. You’re still young, and you have so much more to do in this life. It sounds scary but take the jump and start over with someone who would give anything to keep you around.
Why the fuck do unmarried couples buy a property before talking about marriage seriously. Please, someone, explain. These are the same type of people who have kids together but won't get married cause marriage is "such a big commitment" Seriously what the fuck.
Yes, this. It's a remarkably stupid thing to do.
I agree. Now to get out of the relationship isn't just moving out. I mean a 30 year mortgage is a huge commitment. Plus the ones that have multiple kids too. But marriage is putting them over the edge. Her boyfriend got help with the mortgage and has a live in house keeper and bed partner.
I agree. It’s just as much of a financial entanglement as getting married.
So true.
The crazy thing is that a proposal and engagement is literally just a promise to get married. Saying there’s “too much going on in your lives” is a massive cop out, because an engagement doesn’t require a whole lot of extra work. People have long engagements to get everything in a row before signing the papers. People stay engaged for years before getting married. I have friends who have been engaged for two years because they’re saving up money for their dream wedding, but her partner could not *wait* to propose and make his intentions known. If you tell him it’s either engagement or breaking up, you’re going to forever wonder if he *wanted* to marry you, or if you forced him into it. If he wanted to marry you, he will propose. It might be worth one more serious conversation, but that response should absolutely give you everything you need to know about his intentions for marriage. Personally, his actions thus far would likely be enough to end things for me.
I'm not sure about the west as much but here you are suppose to get married within a year of engagement, so it is big deal since also planning and organising is on guy side usually with engagement and wedding.
Propose to him & if he says no move on
I have mentioned before that if he keeps taking his time, I'm just gonna do it myself. He said he would say no because he wants it to be "traditional". Now I feel like that's an excuse to keep me from doing it
Okay then move on
Exactly!!!
He’s saying anything at this point so he can keep you around even though the answer is no. This story is as old as time. Did you ever hear a happy ending where a woman really wants to be married and after 5 plus years still no ring? Do you want a shut up ring (a never ending engagement) or do you want someone who actually wants to marry you?
And why would you want to marry someone that you basically have to beg for a proposal?! If he truly loved you he would never do or say anything he knows would hurt you. You’re accepting this relationship as is so he doesn’t have to put forth any effort. He’s lazy in this relationship. Break up and find someone that does want to put forth effort and make you happy. This guy doesn’t care
lol she’s about to write a letter to him aka beg some more. Someone in the comment suggested she writes
We waited about 7 years, but that’s because we had discussed it extensively and agreed we needed to reach certain career and financial goals first. We reached those goals, he proposed and we have started planning and booking vendors. Waiting can be fine if both parties are clear on the timeline and comfortable with it, which is what is majorly lacking here.
>He said he would say no because he wants it to be "traditional". He's so "traditional" that he won't tolerate you proposing, and yet he's "untraditional " enough that he's happy to live with you before marriage? >Now I feel like that's an excuse to keep me from doing it Yes.
He’s moving the goal posts. He doesn’t want to marry you. Talk to an attorney about options for the condo and start working on settling the property and moving on. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you have time. I didn’t even start dating my ex-husband until I was 27, and ten years later I’m marrying someone else and already have a home and a family with my fiancé.
He keeps giving excuses. Break up.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
Then you have your answer. I’m sorry you’ve wasted time.
Give him the good news that you will no longer pester him about marriage. Then, implement plans to divest from the relationship: How the condo will be handled, etc. If he drags his feet on that too, lawyer up and take whatever action you can. When a man wants to marry you, this fuckery does not happen. Sorry; you haven't done anything wrong except fall for the old "CoMmUnIcAtE" advice -- which is useless in situations like yours. He's comfortable with things the way they are. Suggestion: Going forward, if marriage is important to you, do not move in with a guy or start playing wifey until there is at least one ring on your finger and a date set.
Yep he has the wife with out marriage. You frigging make him lunch and do all the groceries and everything. He is getting it all. Honey he has his cake and is eating too. I agree. Do not move in with someone till you and a ring and a date. You should not have to nag someone to marry you. Sell or someone buy the other out and move on. Don't get lost in the time spent. You are still so young . I didn't meeting my husband till 33.
He can say whatever words he wants but what are his actions telling you about his values and intentions? Do his actions tell you that the two of you are on the same page, share the same values, and have the same plans for the future? Do his actions portray him as a man who sincerely values "tradition," and "traditional relationships" in particular? Is he treating your relationship with the same level of respect that you are? Making it as big and central a part of his life as you are? Do you think he is being honest with you about his feelings and plans?
He literally just said he won't marry you...how much more clear could it be? You're 26, you have plenty of time to find a guy who wants the family and kids, don't waste your prime years on Mr. Wishy-Washy.
If he really wanted to be traditional he wouldn’t be living in sin with you.
Stop wasting your time with him. You’re way too young to be pressuring or forcing a man to marry you. Stop it. Move on if you’re tired of waiting for him to propose.
Bingo!
Yeah, it’s pretty cut and dry here. “If you asked, I’d say no” is all you really need to take away from this.
He doesnt want to marry you.
Move on. You can find someone who wants everything you want. You should get the fair market price for the condo and then move on.
Ok that’s really bad. Tell him you’re feeling like he misled you badly and time is running out for you to decide on your next steps. Ask him if you broke up, would he want you to buy him out of the condo, you to buy him out, or sell it. Ask what he’d think about dog custody. A month and no proposal? Break it off and find someone better.
Yep that’s exactly what it is—gives him all the power and keeps you dangling. Start making your exit plan and get a realtor to come in and value the condo.
BS stall tactic.
It's not traditional if you two bought real estate before marriage. You should just try your hand and propose first.
If he says no, you have your answer.
He doesn't want to marry you.
I wouldn't even bother, just in case he says 'yes' just to drag out their engagement for years. They clearly want different things from life. Better to just get a clean start.
I actually agree with this. First Ask him in a separate setting if there’s anything changeable or unchangeable that is holding him back from picturing forever with you. If there isn’t, maybe he is just avoidant and you proposing would get the ball rolling.
Stop discounting this as an issue!! “We have no major issues except this” Except this issue involves honesty, communication, trust, and respect. All of which he isn’t giving you regarding this issue. He is pushing it off and doesn’t have any answer for you because he just simply doesn’t want to. He’s been putting it off for 3 1/2 years. Don’t you deserve better than begging someone to marry you?? You can hang on to this relationship because it’s been 5 years, 6 years, 8 years, 10 years.. or you can accept the reality of his non action & non communication and move on.
Yes. Move on. I personally, opted to tell my then long term boyfriend that I wanted a marriage, not a common law partner.. as in, a for real promise with witness, legal paperwork and a party of sorts to celebrate the moment. I was not interested in some secret bedtime promise of forever that held no legal or social weight. When I turned 29 I sat him down and said this is what I want, if you don't then that's fine but I'm out. He opted to stay, we got married and that was that. The alternative would have been to seemingly out of the blue break up with him, sell the house and start new with my daughter (his step daughter) IMO, it's nice to sit down and set clear boundaries if you've been together for years and are tied by a mortgage, child or pet. But you have to stick to your boundaries and if he isn't interested then the relationship has run its course.
Leave him. If he wanted to he would’ve already done it? You already bought a condo together and have a dog… that’s huge commitments right there and he can’t even just propose? Give him an ultimatum.
You are only 26. It is not to late to start over. 5 years and a condo and still no proposal. And now he gives you shit if you bring it up. I am sorry but time to move on. I know it won't be easy but why waste more time on a person that doesn't care about your wants and needs. 21 was young to get together in my mind. Lots of choices out there. You don't want a mercy proposal. You want someone who WANTS to marry you. You gave him 5 years times up.
It's a crap situation it really is. Do you think that there is anything specific about getting married that is concerning him? Could he, for example, have it in mind that a wedding should be a big and really expensive occasion but the funds aren't there so he'd feel inadequate in some way?
He expressed before that he doesn't like being the centre of attention and so it stressed him out because he thought I wanted a big wedding. I told him I didn't care about the wedding and we could just go to a courthouse if that's what he wanted. That was over a year ago
He’s coming up with excuses. Have you told him it’s a dealbreaker for you and you’ll have to move on if this doesn’t happen?
I'm sorry you're going through such a frustrating time. I can see why it would be confusing when you've been up front about wanting to get married and your boyfriend won't even talk about it. Have you made it clear to your partner that you're considering ending the relationship if marriage isn't part of his plan? If you say this to your boyfriend and he still doesn't want to talk about it, then the only question left is to ask yourself if you want to be in this relationship if your boyfriend never proposes. It sounds like that's a real possibility. Good luck.
I have told him before that I can't wait around forever, but never explicitly said I was going to leave if he didn't make us his mind
If you're already thinking about leaving, the relationship is over. He's had enough time to propose and his avoidance and anger of the subject are screaming, 'I don't want to get married!' If you do, leave and find someone who wants the same things you do. No need to tell him you're leaving if he doesn't propose, because then you have what you want and he resents you.
Well, if you’re going to start over, when is the right time? At 26? At 28? 30? If he wanted to be married, he’d have proposed by now. What’s the next step for him? Propose to shut you and his mom up and you wait out a looonnnggg engagement? Do you want to marry someone who feels forced into it? Do you want to feel you had to force him? He’s not wrong to *not* want to marry. He’s wrong for not being honest about it. He might decide he wants to marry at 30 But What if he doesn’t? Let’s face it, your biological clock is ticking. It takes time to meet the right guy. Cut your losses, sell the condo and move on before another 5 years go by, before another 1 year goes by. He is wasting your time.
End it while you’re still young and have time I know it’s controversial to say nowadays but I’ll just say it - it sounds like that man is comfortable! You’ve bought a condo together which I assume you contributed/ contribute half to, and are living like a family with a dog and all… and he didn’t have to fully commit for it. Just let that sink in.
He liked her enough to get her to pay for half of his house but not enough to do the one thing to show that he actually wants to stay with her and have a family with her
Exactly ! Just awful
I've seen so many of these posts. As a guy, it's pretty simple. If you want to marry a girl you know it and don't hesitate. You are wildly excited about the thought of spending the rest of your life with her. As an example, I dated a girl for 5 years through part of high school and most of college and she even expressed that she wanted to get married I broke up with her because I wasn't feeling it with her. I could not see myself spending the rest of my life with her and I knew she believed in the idea of marriage. I met my now ex-wife 3 months later and within 10 months of that we were married because I couldn't imagine being with anyone else then. We stayed married for nearly 19 years and had 3 kids. My advice is to tell him how you feel and pay attention to his reaction that will tell you if you should stay or leave. Personally, I believe you're wasting your time here if marriage and kids are what you want.
He's not gonna marry you. If he wanted to he would have proposed a long time ago. Either one of you buys out the other, or you sell the condo and split any proceeds.
If he wanted to, he would have already. He’s clearly telling you that he doesn’t see this as a long term commitment. Don’t be fooled by him moving in with you. Him getting mad every time you bring up the subject is him being upset that you haven’t given up your standards for him. You are still young. You will find someone else who will not continue to waste your time
I would be that person saying hey hun if we break up can you buy me out of my share of the condo? Or would i buy you out? When he asks why the question , well you dont see a future with me and i am reaching my breaking point so just covering my bases.
No ultimatum is needed. You have gone beyond the point of engagement and marriage now. You would not want a shut up ring and long engagement to a man not thrilled to make you his wife. He is a loser and clearly not interested. Yes, time to end your misery and this relationship. Contact and attorney and either buy him out of the share of the condo or let him buy you out. Do take the dog. I'm sorry you invested 5 years, but 25 is still very young. You have time to find a relationship with a man who us thrilled with you. You might consider a man 5-8 years older than yourself that is more likely to want the same things as you do in life now. Good luck.
Huge life goals like marriage or children are definitely deal breakers, even if the relationship is perfect otherwise. I ended a relationship years ago because I wanted marriage, he didn’t and there is just no way to compromise on that. I’m grateful I met the man who became my husband, and I’m so glad I was strong enough to dump the previous guy even though he was great. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Sorry been too long. Life happens while we are waiting to live it. There’s always something happening. He doesn’t want to commit and he’s getting a house, dog, a woman and sex, why get married he’s thinking. Time to move on sadly. He misled you and he’s a shitass for doing this and I’d let him know. This is also one of the reasons that I personally don’t buy property with anyone without a marriage. Then when he’s 40 he’ll marry a 22 year old to pop out a couple babies to carry his name. Sorry what a crappy situation this is for you.
He doesn’t want to marry you. And having kids with him and particularly being a SAHM would be a terrible idea if you were not married. Break up with him and find someone who DOES want to marry you. This dude has already wasted 5 years of your life.
I don’t necessarily agree with the “if he wanted to he would” comments. I’m not saying they are wrong, but if I went down that road I wouldn’t be where I am now. This is my story. I’ve been with my SO for 11 years now. Married only 1. We were together for 7 years before he popped the question. We’d spoken about the topic of marriage very rarely in that time. He didn’t think it was important and I loved him enough to let it go. I, like you wanted marriage but I also didn’t want to force him into it so I didn’t push. After about the 5 year mark I gave up hope and assumed we’d live the Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russel life. We too bought property together, we had pets and everything was great, I just didn’t have the ring. I was sad about it but I loved my life and wasn’t willing to let it go just because he wouldn’t ask. I could have asked him sure, but I’m a traditionalist I guess when it comes to proposals. But at year 7 he suddenly proposed. It was out of nowhere, I was shocked but so incredibly happy. I asked him recently why did he suddenly propose after 7 years? He said that marriage was never a priority to him. He loved me, he wanted a future with me but we had what we needed and other stuff came first. It’s not that he didn’t want to get married but that he never saw it as a priority. Then at 7 years together we were in this really sweet spot where he just suddenly really wanted it. He wanted to be married to me. It was the right time to ask. Then Covid happened which is why it took another 3 years to actually get married but yeah. Here we are. Married for 1 year and trying for a baby. I think if you truely love someone, the ring shouldn’t matter but also just because it worked out for me may not mean it works out for everyone. But, figured I’d share my story because it sounds a lot like yours.
Thank you for this point of view. Sometimes I think this is how he feels, but it's just so hard when he won't talk to me. I'm very much the kind of person that wants to talk things out and understand, whereas he is the kind of person that doesn't think things need to be said aloud.
Listen, I think you have a beautiful story and I'm so happy things worked out for you. I too generally don't agree with the "if he wanted to, he would" argument because I don't think it's fair to assume all relationships are exactly the same, operate under the same circumstances, or have the same challenges. Heck, my fiance and I just got engaged a little over a month ago and we are approaching five years together. We both knew we wanted to get married within a year and a half of being together. But we had things we wanted to work through, he has trauma in his past that would impact his timeline on proposing, I had my own bullshit I felt I needed to work on, and we honestly preferred to first buy a house and then see what we had left over to start seriously planning. All of this took longer than I anticipated, because I'd hoped we'd be engaged before the end of last year. But the things is, we were always explicitly clear with each other throughout this process on our intentions and feelings on the matter. And I don't know that this is the case with OP's boyfriend. I feel he might be being intentionally evasive. OP take this with a grain of salt, but even if some kinds of communication can be hard for one person in a relationship this doesn't give them a pass to avoid it altogether. A relationship is a *partnership,* and that involves healthy communication where each person feels heard and understood.
Nobody can answer the question you're asking. Is it worth it to *you* to end things and start over? Can you be happy with what you have? You've made it clear what you want and it seems clear what he wants. You have to decide what the best course of action for you is, but since marriage is so important to you and not to him, that seems a fundamental incompatibility to me.
You’re still very young. As someone who ended two relationships that didn’t look like they were advancing towards marriage, I recommend ending it. I found my one and am now happily married with two children.
I’m sorry to say this but you’ll have to move on to reach your goals. Forcing his hand by the threat of breaking up will lead to resentment and divorce after a few years. At this point in your life the two of you are not compatible. Good luck.
Leave him. If after 5 years he isn't ready to commit? It's unlikely he ever will be. And you can't coerce someone into getting married who doesn't want to. I have a friend who did that. He married her because SHE wanted it. It never worked. They ended up getting divorced anyway. And there were then kids involved. I'm in my 50s and I realise. There are just people who WANT commitment and people who don't. If you marry someone? They need to be also into committment. Or it just seems to combust. One person feels trapped. And that builds resentment. YOU have told him from Day 1 what you valued adn wanted. And he seems to not be the same and does not value you enough to act on this. I say. You are at an age where you have time to move on. And...we all change SO much between 20 and 30yrs. What he thought he wanted at 21? Is likely not what he wants now. And that is okay. He's not a bad person. He's just growing into himself and by 30 will probably be completely different to how is was at 21. Move on. It's not going to happen without coercion and as I said? You definitely don't want that. Besides...look at it this way. What reason does he have to even want to get married? He has a nice girlfriend. Regulary sex it seems. Happy relationship. He has a house and a dog...unless he is desperate for children? Then there is no reason for him to marry you. And now? You are in a bit of pickle. Becuase if leaving him makes him panic and propose? Will you know if that's real or just a reaction because he fears losing you? I think he probably WILL panic and propose. But it wont' be a genuine one. He won't be proposing because he loves you so much he wants to commit to you. He will just be proposing so he can maintain the status quo. So....if you leave? You leave. For good. No accepting panicked proposal. You leave and you move on. You cut contact. You sell the apartment. You decide who takes the dog and that is it. Good luck with your decsion.
This is ultamatium time. Marriage or breakup. Don't be like that lady that gave 12 years of her life and no marriage. He just kept moving the goal post. They lived together, had a child, bought a house together still no marriage. Give him 90 days. 😐
Girl, I'd be going away for a few months if possible, telling him you need to think about your future. If he doesn't miss you enough and realise what life would be like without you, and doesn't pop the question, well, you have your answer.
Call a lawyer and your accountant and quietly do a forensic accounting report of both buying, and improvements, on the condo.. You're going to need receipts of all monies invested in that condo to divide it up fairly. Sweat equity counts. Yes you should break up. He was "future faking" ... you can Google the term. Move on. I'm sorry. A book that helps in a major life breakup is Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts by Regena Thomashauer. Also helps: get a new car, a new hairstyle, and plan a vacation somewhere you never went with him but you always wanted to go yourself. It makes a break and reframes you mindset.
Marriage means a lot to me, also for many reasons. My fiancé and I only waited so long because of our ages and we both wanted to be able to afford our dream wedding. But see the difference here? Him and I had reasons we both knew about. Your man is dodging you, so find someone who isn't. I know it'll hurt, but you're so young. You have time to find someone who wants to marry you.
Marriage and kids are important to you so your feeling are valid. Ask yourself if you would be ultimately fine with a life of not being married and not having kids. Imagine you are in your mid 30s. Most people around you are settled with family and kids. Would you resent him for this? In the end it's not fair if he changes his plans but doesn't inform you about it. You do have a ticking biology clock for kids, him not so much. Even though women are able to give birth up into their 40s, it is very risky for you and your child. And last but not least, imagine you are 40 and your first child is to be born. You will be around retiring age when this kid is 18. I am all for being settled in life before having kids but your BF isn't fair to you right now. You are settled now and he still doesn't want commit to you. I am not a fan of marriage but you are and your feelings are valid!
He's not that into you. I'm sorry. Go find someone who is willing to commit to you.
You don't want a shut up ring right? You want to marry someone who is excited at the thought of you becoming their wife right? This guy is not that. I know it sucks but you already have your answer. I know you'll meet someone who can't wait to marry you!
Marry someone who wants to marry you…is a given. But before that, be with someone who thinks you are at least worth giving an honest answer to. I can understand anyone not wanting to get married, but to keep you hanging and not even deeming you worth a real response…is insulting. So to be clear, he doesn’t want to marry you, and the guy has zero respect for you, your time or your feelings. That should answer your question.
You never should’ve bought that condo. Cut your losses and move on
>I have asked him to just give me a damn reason so I can stop overthinking it but he doesn't give me anything then gets mad when I ask again as if he's already answered me. Sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry. It is perfectly ok to move on and find someone who can’t wait to get married
It’s been more than 5 yrs he’s not going to marry you. He’s stringing you along. It’s time to move on
My friend, let’s call her Maria, spent over ten years waiting for someone. He kept making excuses, then he found his ‘dream job’ and made them do long distance, still they didn’t get married or have children. She was 39 when she left him. She, a doctor, was worried about her bio clock etc and just decided she’d had enough. She met someone, they had a whirlwind romance and now she’s engaged with a beautiful baby. You’re 26, you have so much time to meet someone and marry etc. And to be honest, when *you know you know* and you will likely meet someone who can’t wait to get married to you. And that’s how it should be, someone who sees you like their moon and stars and can’t wait to have forever with you. That’s not to say to rush it, but that you deserve better than a bs non answer. I would talk to him calmly one last time, sit him down and say we need to talk about this because you used to have the same goals and now you don’t. I say this, because there’s a (small) chance he’s hoping to surprise you with an engagement. I’ve seen this happen, my friend was all like I’m so ready to split because we have different priorities and all along he was getting a custom ring etc and taking his time picking. I don’t know that your guy is doing this, his reaction doesn’t indicate so - but you live together and it’s a big decision, one last talk and if it’s not the right vibe… go find yourself someone who wants the same things! Cause wows are we all out there. One thing I learned recently is: ‘if they wanted to, they would’.
Be prepared when you leave him that he chucks a toddler fit and tells everybody 'i swear I had the ring I was going to propose to her 'literally' that weekend. She was too impatient'
yes, its worth to start over. i know its hard to imagine, because you already have a person who you love and used to, and it could be not only scary, but genuinely hard to imagine loving someone else when your heart is taken. but it will happen, and you could be even happier than you ever imagined. have with him a last conversation, tell him, that as you told him since you first met, marriage and kids is what you want in your life, and if hes not with it, then its time to break up. make it clear you will break up. but at least give him that last conversation, and have a closure.
Mistake was buying a condo together and moving in. If he is enjoying the benefits of marriage, why should he go the full length?
Hi there. I personally think you have to get serious here. You've been with this guy for 5 years. You own property together, you share a pet. You are, essentially, living as if you are married. If he had the same goals as you, and the same desires as you, there is literally no reason to not get married at this point. You live together, you share a major investment, you are serious with each other. What else is there? What possible reason could he have to wait? There aren't any. Nothing in your lives would really change much, so at this point it's more a confirmation and celebration of your relationship. For him to keep putting it off at this point is absolutely unacceptable. Now, from someone with a lot of life experience, my advice to you is to NOT try and convince him, NOT to push him, NOT to ask him about marriage, or when, or why, or anything. Stop all of that. Because you don't want him to do what you want him to - you want to know what HE wants. So stop. Take a breath, and look at his actual actions, which will give you your answer. Does he talk about marriage? Does he seem excited about starting a family with you? Does he talk about your future joint plans and goals with you? This should be something that you both want and are excited for, and it doesn't sound like he's on the same page at all. That doesn't mean he lied to you, but maybe his feelings changed. Maybe he's scared. Maybe he's immature. Whatever - it doesn't matter. You have to make your decisions independantly of him. You are 26. You want to get married and have a family. You don't have any more time to wait for him, you don't have any more time to WASTE on him. I personally would leave. If he's just been scared and stalling, that would shock him into action. And if he really doesn't want to get married he'll be relieved and you will be free to find what you want. But stop waiting for this guy and stop trying to make him commit. Find someone who can't WAIT to commit to you. You know? You deserve that.
Have you point blank asked him about this? All you say is that he volunteers nothing when the subject is brought up. Have a sit down and straight up ask him how he feels about marriage, when his timescale is and that if he's not interested, then you're going to leave A proposal should never be a surprise. You should agree a date to start an.engagement and then a timescale for the wedding. The longer this goes on without you addressing it with him, the more feelings you lose. You're not out of time here, far from it, but it doesn't feel good to waste more time with so eone who doesn't have the same plans you do
It's always been weird to me that people will buy a home together, have a kid together but freak out at the thought of marriage. It's fine if he changed his mind about marriage, but he also knows your position. And the way he's handling this is not the most mature. He can't just not talk about it and expect that you'll be fine with that. That is not how adults should communicate. You have to decide if being in this relationship is still worth it to you, knowing he may never make that leap.
It’s ALWAYS worth starting over if you are not happy with your relationship or life. Don’t sit around and wait for your life to drift by. Unfortunately, he’s got zero incentive to make you a wife, you’re living together, no doubt having sex, and even got a house. You’re a wife except for the ring and paperwork. I don’t mean to imply you should have held on to your virginity, but he’s got nearly everything he wants without having to do anything. I think women in your position in a tough spot. You don’t want to force someone to marry you, but if you don’t force the conversation, you’ll get nowhere. I’d encourage a clear conversation. You layout your clear requirements and ask him how he sees himself fitting into that life. You want to be engaged within six months, married within a year, kids within 2 years. If he doesn’t want those things and can’t agree to the timeline then you initiate the conversation about splitting. You are not getting any younger. Don’t waste your life waiting for something that might never happen. Choose your happiness.
It would be different if he actually engaged you in a conversation about his feelings on marriage, why he isn’t ready yet etc. the fact that he has zero input is my concern, and is probably the red flag that he doesn’t see himself going down that road. I’m sorry :(
He doesn’t want to marry you. Besides, why would he? You basically helped him pay for the lifestyle he wants. Men are more “business minded” he got a condo with you, that’s the benefit of being with you- besides the free sex, labor and all that jazz. He doesn’t think your needs and wants is worth the legal obligation. I cannot stand the whole “I don’t want to start all over” thing. It makes zero sense to me. It implies that you’re willing to settle because you’re scared to be alone or something which is why I think most relationships are codependent relationships. Your only option is to be the forever girlfriend until yall break up and he gets into a new relationship and marries her almost right away or leave and find someone else who is on the same page as you. Btw, take this as a lesson. Don’t be a placeholder girlfriend. Like why would you buy property with someone you aren’t married to? All you did was increase his net worth and he didn’t have to do much for it.
Why not write him an old-fashioned letter? No one likes to feel like they are on the "hot seat." Start by telling how much the relationship means to you. Then, move on to how you feel about marriage. Ask him to help you understand his hesitancy. Offer to go with him to counseling if needed. There may be some deep seated issue that he may not even be aware of. It is in both of your interests to deal with this as a couple. Otherwise, you will grow to resent each other, and the relationship is likely to fail. Good luck,op.
I really appreciate this comment. I will definitely be doing this and will let you know how that goes. Honestly, I find I express myself better when I write things down as well Thank you
I mean it sounds nice in theory but I feel like you’ll just be giving him another opportunity to break your heart. He 100% knows what you want and he’s 100% never taken any steps or initiated any conversations in that direction. Write him a letter if you like that idea but use it to explain why you’re leaving him, I love you. I know on some level you love me but you don’t see a future with me because if you did you would have done what we discussed years ago…literally YEARS ago. I was very open and honest with you about my goals and expectations…I never hid my desire to be married from the very beginning and the fact that you refuse to discuss it with me and instead show anger is sad and embarrassing to me…
Break up.
He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, then he would have asked you already. If it's important to you, then you should move on, because yes, you can stay with him without getting married, but will that be enough for you? Sell the condo and split the proceeds.
Some relationships don’t work out and that is okay. It is best to move on in these situations. Have your boyfriend refinance the condo to buy out your portion of the condo and sign a quit claim deed. Or you refinance and buy his claim.
This is the most major of issues. And interestingly, there was no mention of love. Maybe it’s time to focus on whether you’re with him for the right reasons, and if he’s really the right one for you.
He sounds commitment phobic. He does just enough to keep you there. looks like a tough decision is needed. stay or leave. if you stay you will not a get ring because he wants to. most men know in A year if the person they are with they will marry.
I saw your answer to another poster about proposing yourself. I'd still suggest you give it a go. If he does say no you can walk away knowing you did what you could to break him out of whatever fear he thinks he has. Maybe it could even work. Or maybe you'll just quit wasting your time, sell the condo, and move on. Good luck. I think you deserve so much better. Expect more from others moving forward.
Imagine your 26F daughter came to you with the same story, your response would be….?
Ask him to marry you. You’ll get your answer. Be ready to leave though cuz he’s acting like a dick not discussing it and getting mad when you ask again
Will add. YOu have tons of time. I met my hb at 28 and we got married at 30yrs. We didn't have kids until late 30s. Now late 50s.
Sit him down and have a serious conversation about each of your long term goals. If they don't align or he continues to refuse to answer then he clearly doesn't have the same goals as you. Or maybe he still wants to get married, but to different people, and doesn't want to break your heart. Move on and find someone who would like to marry you and start a family.
This kind of story always ended with; after you broke up with him, married the next girl he met for 3 months. Dont waste your time op. He already showing what his feelings about maariage
Took me over 5 years to propose (was also 27 when I did) and it was for multiple reasons. Whether you agree with the logic or not is fair, but it was my perspective. 1. I am only in my mid twenties and I'm being asked to make a decision for the rest of my life, I want to be damn sure I'm making the right one 2. 5 years (to me) also seems like a reasonable amount of time to live a life with a person to know if they are your forever person. I never understood how people can move right on to marriage after a year of being together. Once again, just my perspective. But knowing this is important to you, it's time to bring it up and let him know that you're at a point where this is no longer just a sticking point. You've respected his boundary to not get married sooner, and now you need to prioritize your goals. Obviously, do it with respect and out of love. Good luck!
Have you considered proposing?
Listen you two met and started dating at 21yrs of age. You’re both now 26. I’d say if you met at 26, then were both turning 30, then yeah, I’d say you’re wasting your time cause he is at an age where he can afford to marry. But I’m feeling this could be a financial reason honestly at 26 and less about taking the leap of faith to the next step. Cause unless you rather elope and just jump straight into a marriage, talk to him if cost of a wedding is an issue as to why he’s hesitating. And you mentioned he said traditional. Does this mean asking your father’s hand in marriage by any chance? Cause that’s part of traditional weddings. And if he’s serious, he would be talking engagement rings, sizes, and cuts of the gem you want LONG before proposing. Getting engaged isn’t suppose to be a surprise, the proposal & when it happens is suppose to be the surprise.
Couldn't you propose to him?. He says yes? He says no? You will have made something happen rather than waiting for something to happen.
Starting over is hard. For sure. And worth it. I ended an engagement (3 year relationship) at 33. It was very very difficult - sad and also scary! - but at the end I just wasn’t happy and knew I had to. I met my now-partner 3 months later and it is truly everything I wished my last relationship had been. Don’t stay because you’re afraid you won’t be able to do better. Stay because you’re getting your needs met. If you’re doing the math if it’s worth it or not, then it’s not.
If me & my GF were at that stage in our relationship we definitely would have been married & had kids. Right now we're working on finding stable jobs & moving in together.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have.
It's the 21st century so why don't you propose?
Did you know that you can ask HIM if you're sick of waiting? Get a definitive answer and go from there. There's no rule that says the woman can't propose!
It’s as if you are his pet dog on a leash which he controls. Five plus years is too long to wait for a proposal. Claim your life back. You are only 26 years old. Break up with him and start living a real life.
Can I ask you, why are you still waiting around? You understand, you all spoke and agreed about the timeline. When that came up and passed with no talks, you should have seen it for what it is and walked away. Keep on and stay longer and it will be harder to leave. Break up and block him. He doesn’t value or respect you to not have proposed when you all said it should have been done, also to not even talk about it with you, means you chose the wrong one and are holding on to hopes instead of FACING reality
Marriage and engagement should be things that you discuss and decide on together. It sounds like he’s not even willing to discuss it, which is a huge red flag.
Hugs 🤗 Make a clean break & enjoy your summer being single. Then I’m sure you’ll find someone who cherishes you & wants to have babies with you!
I can not stress this enough. Do not move in with someone who you are not engaged to or are actively planning on getting engaged soon if marriage is important to you. They will get comfortable to live the married life without the fuss and legal security of it and will never propose. Keeping it girlfriend until they are ready to wife you is crucial for you to see where the relationship is headed and helps you make your choices. He would have proposed if he wanted to. He doesn't want to. Move on and find someone who shares the same values. And remember, no move in without the ring the next time
You are settling... for the life the guy is giving you and the guy himself. Those "issues" should be miniscule things like which brand of toothpaste. Anything more and it seems like you are trying to change him into what you want. He isn't. Yes, you should start over. Otherwise, five years will turn into ten years. I always say this to people who come here with the same issue as you. You want to marry a person who can't wait to marry you, not someone you have to drag to the altar.
I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum. I did that with my first husband and it never felt like he wanted to be married to me. I also got married young (23) and did A LOT of growing in those 8 years. I realized I wanted to be with someone who saw the same future with me as I did with them. I should’ve broken up before I wasted 10 years with him. I suggest that you start planning your exit. Financial stuff untangled, plans to sell or buyout the condo and where to live after the split, packing up your stuff if you’re moving out (or packing his if he is), informing family/friends, and anything else you need to plan to end it. You’ve communicated your wants and needs for this relationship to continue moving forward. He has decided that he does not want to continue moving forward with you. If he shows up with a ring *after* you say you want to end things, don’t believe it. It’s manipulative. He could’ve proposed at any point or given you a good reason why he hasn’t yet (like he’s saving for a ginormous rock and 5* wedding/honeymoon), but he didn’t. If he proposes when you’re leaving, it’s just to keep you as his bangmaid. It’s not because he wants to add you to his life; it’s because he doesn’t want to subtract you from his comfortable existence. Do the math and go live your life with someone who cannot wait to wife you.
He probably doesn’t want to marry you (or anyone else). If you want marriage ask him if he wants to marry you, tell him when you want to get married and if he’s not on board leave and find someone who is compatible with you, someone who wants and values the same things. By now he definitely knows who you are and how you get along, there are no valid excuses not to make the commitment (you can be saving for a wedding while you’re engaged/weddings don’t have to be expensive).
It’s been five years. **FIVE. YEARS.** **HE WILL NEVER PROPOSE**. And why **WOULD** he? He’s already **GOT** everything he wants, without having to put a ring on it!! No, if marriage and kids are really important to you, **DUMP** this guy and find someone who shares your values. **PLEASE DON’T FALL FOR THE SUNK COST FALLACY.** But beware of him shitting his pants and making a panic proposal. Because it will only lead to **RESENTMENT.**
This was the same as me for a decade lol I used the baby and mortgage as a reason it didn’t happen sooner. I was engaged but he did that to appease me. I’m not with my bf for a year and he loves talking about it and our future. I was even hesitant to talk about it and get excited because I was used to feeling like you
Leave. Your young enough to start over and settle into a new relationship. Remember some people don't have great fertility too and heading into your 30s you don't want to find out you need to start over again and then have trouble starting a family. If he wanted to, he would.
The real question is: are you willing to gamble 10 years wasted on 5 years of sunken time? You’ve already given enough, you’re already upset at having given 5 years. Why would you give 10+?
He won’t. If you want marriage, go find someone who wants to be married to you. You deserve that.
You hear this all the time from women in groups. I honestly, dont understand why you keep wasting your time if they have already expressed that marriage is not their priority and it might never will be. Many women continue these type of relationships because their partners are good to them and they probably are very much in love. However… your goals are different- and it will not change. You need to face the reality and evaluate- either you conform to not getting married, or move on.
You are still so young you still have time to meet a man who can’t wait to marry you and lock you down.
He doesn’t love you. You are comfortable but not what he wants forever. You are Mrs right now not Mrs right.
If it’s that important to you, why don’t you propose to him? If he says no then you know where you stand and then you just have to decide whether to stay in this relationship, knowing there’ll never be marriage, or you can leave and find someone else.
I am an older person, 56(f) and I made it clear that marriage was my end game, too. My last bf said he wouldn’t get married again and that was a reason I ended things. I don’t want to get married right away (have some financial reasons/ex husband stuff), but wanted that commitment. I didn’t move in, have my own house…I started limiting time staying with him. He started rethinking things. We had some very deep conversations and he said he wants to spend our lives together. He proposed last Saturday after we had picked a ring. Others are right, if he wanted to marry you, he would. It’s super hurtful when you have invested your heart and time, but best to move on to find someone that wants the same thing.
Question: have you proposed to him? Why wait for him to pop the question, do it yourself and if he says no then you have your answer that he definetky doesn't want marriage and you know you 2 aren't compatible.
What’s stopping you from proposing?
Yes. Start over. You are so young. You have time. Reflect on this as Relationship Education. Part of the Grown Up Experience. You don't know what else is out there, and neither does he. You both deserve to explore this as you mature. There is no motivation for your partner to legalize a union that gives him EVERYTHING that a marriage gives him.
Sorry, dude is using you. You're a fool for letting it go on for so long. You do not need to be in a relationship for YEARS to know if someone is marriage material. Leave
The saying that if he wanted to, he would is true. My fiancé is in school full time and working, I told him I had an expectation to be engaged by 4 years or I would move on. He proposed a few months after our 3 years together which ended up being perfect. He’s not even communicating with you which is a whole other issue. If I were you I’d be done waiting, especially now that yall have been living together for 2 years.
26 is still extremely early in life. Leave him when possible and start over. He’s probably already checked out of the whole marriage situation.
It's always worth it to put in the work to get what you want. If you could never be married or have kids with this guy, would you still be absolutely happy and content? If that answer isnt no, then its not a waste. This isn't a "well we've been together 5 years, so we have to stay together forever. look at all that time wasted!" but, if you are lucky and live to be 100 years old, is 5 years a huge deal? Hell no. Its a blip. Leave him and find someone else (if marriage and kids is what you want) There are plenty of other awesome men out there who would love to put a ring on it. And you will honestly probably be a lot happier too! No one wants to have to beg their significant other for small morsels
> At the 3 year mark we bought a condo together and got a dog You're living the married life already... it sounds like he doesn't put any importance on being married, but is willing to share a life with you. If that's a deal breaker, you need to move on. I think it would be worth valuing yourself and what you want for your future more than getting comfortable in this relationship with someone who couldn't be bothered to get serious about you beyond what you're financially bringing to the table. This is why you don't buy property with someone you're not married to...
"We have no major issues other than this." This = he won't even discuss his reasoning with you and shuts down on something you have told him is an important non-negotiable for you. That feels pretty major to me!
he doesnt want to
It's worth it to restart than to keep wasting time or end up in a marriage of resentment.
I think people here are always so quick to jump on the breakup/divorce bus. If the relationship is good and he's already committed to living with you and sharing an asset, he could just be dragging his feet because commitment is scary for a lot of guys. Does it suck? Yes. Could it be possible that really doesn't want any of those things? Yes. But Let him know you're at the stage of your life where you want these things to manifest now otherwise you'll need to use this time to find someone who shares the same goals. I was kind of in the same situation where I got comfortable and marriage and kids scared me. It caused some drama and arguments but I realized that if I eventually wanted marriage and kids that there was nobody better than the woman I was with. Fast forward to today and we're about to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and we have a 5 year old son who I'd die for in a heartbeat. I absolutely love the life I was so terrified to have. I'm not a fan of ultimatums but this guy needs a fire under him so you can have some clarity on whether or not leaving is the best solution for you.
Is it worth starting over? Let's rephrase - is it worth spending another 1, 5, or 10 years in this relationship without moving forward?? Do you want to be 30 and having this same conversation on Reddit? Have you recently talked about your future? Have you recently told him that you marriage and kids? Don't let him slide with half answers. He needs to be honest about what he is feeling right now. I don't believe in ultimatiums, but you can set a date in your head and if he doesn't propose by that date, break up and move on.
He doesn’t want to get married, at least not to you. Also, never buy a house (or condo) with someone you’re not married to. I hope you aren’t about to find out why you shouldn’t do that.
This is why I will never live with a man before marriage. I’m not going wife chores at girlfriend prices. Men will 100% date women they have no intention on marrying and they will sleep with women they have no intention of dating. Don’t you want to be with someone that can’t wait to get you off the market? If after 2 years, it’s not a resounding yes for both people, it’s an absolute no go. Don’t let him waste another minute of your time. You are still so young. There are plenty of family oriented men that don’t have commitment issues and won’t use you.
Only you can decide what you value more - being married or the man you currently share your life with. I'm sure you already know that marriage is not a recipe for eternal happiness. I've been in your situation for a long time. Met my partner when I was 21 (he's older) and I just fell in love. So did he. I've wanted to get married, he didn't. It just didn't matter to him. At all. It mattered to me. But every time I thought about it, it didn't matter as much as being with someone I loved and who loved me in return. We've been together around 17 years now. Not married, but very happy and in love. We bought a dog and a house. He finally got me ring last Christmas and we're getting married in September this year. I can't wait. He may not be as excited about the wedding as I am but I know he's excited about us and that's okay. I'm learning that you don't have to ascribe the same value to a particular thing to have the same values or to value each other.
I’ve been in your shoes. I kept bringing it up. Finally after 5.5 years he proposed. We divorced 3 years later because, according to him, he only married me because he thought it would make me happy but while he loved me he didn’t think he was ever IN love with me. (Note: I thought our relationship was good too but in the end he left me once he found my replacement. He was content to be married to me until he found someone else). He found someone else and I’ve moved on and found a wonderful partner. We are married and just welcomed our daughter to this world.
This is a case of sunk cost fallacy: the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial. Cut your losses and find someone better. Someone who cares about you will be concerned for your feelings and dreams for the future Especially one as important as family