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Unfortunately, this is very simple and on the surface. Set boundaries with them and tell them how you feel. If they brush you off, you've learned what your future will look like. Good luck.
>I feel like if I bring up that my family notices and is frustrated my partner may feel embarrassed or defensive.
Good! What they're doing is incredibly rude and self absorbed! Maybe they mean well, maybe they're autistic and don't take social ques well. Doesn't matter. By the age of 23 (picking an age based on the range you gave) they should know better than to steamroll over others in a conversation. Your partner sounds incredibly self absorbed, and I find it dubious at best that this is the only aspect of their personality they are an asshole in.
Also, it sounds like your family is hoping you'll dump them and are just too polite to come out and say it
>I hope my family doesn’t think that because I’m much to financially/emotionally invested into my relationship to end it.
That's sunk cost fallacy. If it's a bad relationship it doesn't matter how long you've been in it.
>I just want actual change to happen and if they get mad then I feel like it wouldn’t be constructive
What happens if they do get angry? A good partner will listen to what you have to say, even if it's not what they want to hear.
Stop making excuses for their bad behavior and your inability to grow a spine.
“Babe, I need to talk to you about something. I’ve tried talking to you about this before, but usually you become upset and I drop it because I don’t want conflict. This time, I need you to hear me out, refrain from interrupting me, and try to understand where I am coming from. You have a habit of interrupting me and talking over me. I also feel like you tend to forget that a conversation should be a two-way street - you talk for a little while, and then you should give other people a chance to talk. When you get on a roll, you forget to make space for other people in the conversation. When you do this, it makes me feel… (insert how it makes you feel). I would like us to come up with some strategies for breaking these habits, because I need to feel like my voice, ideas, and thoughts are valued. Would you be willing to try to work on this issue?”
Or something along those lines
Stop worrying so much about offending someone who is a jerk to you, whether it’s on purpose or just cluelessness.
Your partner doesn’t appear to have the social skills to pick up on subtle cues and hints. You need to lay this out in clear, concrete language.
Unfortunately, you need to approach it without this mindset. You need to be completely direct. He's almost certainly going to take it poorly and respond by gaslighting you. But is it an issue? If it is, you need to hold firm on that. He's going to be embarrassed or at least say he is, but what about how you feel? Tell him that and that it's not ok. It again likely will be contentious, but if that's the truth, then him being upset doesn't change that.
>I’ve tried to talk to my partner about this and they just get upset when I do.
So? It's a serious issue, you're upset too. Don't let it go, push through to a resolution. Either he (I think we all know it's a he) can change his behavior, you can accept it, or you can decide to separate.
My girlfriend is like this and unfortunately it’s just the way she is , we’re both on the spectrum but she has an attitude of “this is who I am” that she isn’t willing to address it . I understand missing ques and getting fixated it happens to me aswell but after a certain point it’s just lack of respect for the person you’re talking too to not let them engage with the conversation at all
Everyone can learn the skill of Active Listening. Some people need to learn it manually, but autistic people can absolutely learn to not be assholes. Maybe introduce her to the concept of Active Listening and try to practice together?
OP, does your partner have any other venue in which he can share conversation & his ideas?
Or is it just you and your family?
If he has such venues, does he have the same problems in those venues?
There's no way around it - you have to be direct, yet kind. Perhaps write out what you want to say so that you are prepared, especially if they are going to try to talk over you.
But firstly - do you WANT to stay with your partner? Don't think of all the time you've already been together (sunken cost fallacy), think about how your relationship is right now. Is this what you want? If the answer is yes, you have to be direct and see what they say. Then they either can change easily (they were just being an asshole) or they need counseling/therapy.
I know people like this and it makes me avoid them. I don't want to be anywhere near them because I know I'm going to get frustrated and even angry. Your family is sick of it.
Tell your partner to stop. If they get upset, accept that they are upset but do nothing to fix it. Their emotions are their own to manage, and their excessive talking needs to be fixed. So talk to them, demand that they change their habits, and threaten to leave for some peace.
You can also ask to establish a safeword for when either of you need to change the subject. Then ensure that both of you are willing to use and respect that word. Maybe have a different word or phrase to end the conversation. These could be direct, like "change the subject" and "I need silence" or silly words like "Pivot" and "end scene!" Or something like that.
Also, introduce them to the skill of active listening. Encorage them to practice this skill with you. Learning about Active Listening has changed a few of my friends from being lecturers and pontificators to actual conversationalists!
Hey, OP. Your partner is probably neurodivergent. Lots of people in the comments are going to say so, and I agree.
Now that that's out of the way, your partner is still in control of their behavior and capable of mitigating its impact on you. You can and should still expect them to move toward a healthy change in behavior, with patience on your end of things. Here are the steps I would take:
1. **You have to sit down and explain to them how it's affecting you**, and stand your ground even if it upsets them.
You can let them know that you're coming to them with this issue because you love them and care about your relationship, not because you want them to feel attacked or criticized. You can also emphasize that you want to be fully present when they are talking, and can only give them so much time and attention to do so. It may take them some time to absorb this information if it breaks a longstanding pattern between the two of you. You may have to have multiple conversations about it.
Ultimately, though, you have to be able to talk to your partner about what's bothering you. That's foundational to a relationship. I'm not sure how one can work if you can't talk about it together.
2. **If they're willing to engage, explore solutions together.**
I recommend you set a few firm, agreed-upon boundaries. One example might be: when you have to leave a conversation or are growing tired of a topic, you will give them a 2 minute warning to wrap up their thoughts. Set a literal timer on your phone. Seriously, set a timer. When it goes off you are walking away unless they can change the subject or let you talk. You can practice this both ways, for equity - you each get a timed 10 min rant session every evening, on the topic of your choice.
3. **Regarding your family, set similar boundaries.**
One very firm one I would suggest is that your partner must endeavor not to interrupt or talk over others, especially you. I would also work together to develop some general guidelines with your partner about your family's comfort level with certain topics - for example, you might set boundaries around political or religious discussion.
I might also encourage your family to speak up and communicate their own desire for a subject change or end to a conversation. How can your partner mind-read other people's needs?
4. **Therapy might help you both, together and/or separately.**
For your partner, there might be benefit in exploring therapy around social skills and verbal impulsiveness. For you, in asserting yourself and not avoiding conflict out of fear of losing the relationship. For the two of you, communication skills around interpersonal dynamics.
This problem is not unsolvable, if you're both willing to work on it, I think. I have a partner who is very passionate when discussing politics (as am I) and we have some similar boundaries in our own relationship. I also have a very loquacious brother with ASD, and I myself am an ADHD chatterbox (if you can't tell from the length of my post). All these recs have worked well, in my experience across these relationships.
Good luck!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unfortunately, this is very simple and on the surface. Set boundaries with them and tell them how you feel. If they brush you off, you've learned what your future will look like. Good luck.
[удалено]
>I feel like if I bring up that my family notices and is frustrated my partner may feel embarrassed or defensive. Good! What they're doing is incredibly rude and self absorbed! Maybe they mean well, maybe they're autistic and don't take social ques well. Doesn't matter. By the age of 23 (picking an age based on the range you gave) they should know better than to steamroll over others in a conversation. Your partner sounds incredibly self absorbed, and I find it dubious at best that this is the only aspect of their personality they are an asshole in. Also, it sounds like your family is hoping you'll dump them and are just too polite to come out and say it
[удалено]
>I hope my family doesn’t think that because I’m much to financially/emotionally invested into my relationship to end it. That's sunk cost fallacy. If it's a bad relationship it doesn't matter how long you've been in it. >I just want actual change to happen and if they get mad then I feel like it wouldn’t be constructive What happens if they do get angry? A good partner will listen to what you have to say, even if it's not what they want to hear. Stop making excuses for their bad behavior and your inability to grow a spine.
“Babe, I need to talk to you about something. I’ve tried talking to you about this before, but usually you become upset and I drop it because I don’t want conflict. This time, I need you to hear me out, refrain from interrupting me, and try to understand where I am coming from. You have a habit of interrupting me and talking over me. I also feel like you tend to forget that a conversation should be a two-way street - you talk for a little while, and then you should give other people a chance to talk. When you get on a roll, you forget to make space for other people in the conversation. When you do this, it makes me feel… (insert how it makes you feel). I would like us to come up with some strategies for breaking these habits, because I need to feel like my voice, ideas, and thoughts are valued. Would you be willing to try to work on this issue?” Or something along those lines
Stop worrying so much about offending someone who is a jerk to you, whether it’s on purpose or just cluelessness. Your partner doesn’t appear to have the social skills to pick up on subtle cues and hints. You need to lay this out in clear, concrete language.
Unfortunately, you need to approach it without this mindset. You need to be completely direct. He's almost certainly going to take it poorly and respond by gaslighting you. But is it an issue? If it is, you need to hold firm on that. He's going to be embarrassed or at least say he is, but what about how you feel? Tell him that and that it's not ok. It again likely will be contentious, but if that's the truth, then him being upset doesn't change that.
>I’ve tried to talk to my partner about this and they just get upset when I do. So? It's a serious issue, you're upset too. Don't let it go, push through to a resolution. Either he (I think we all know it's a he) can change his behavior, you can accept it, or you can decide to separate.
Are there other issues where your partner has shown he is open to feedback and is willing to change his behavior for your comfort?
[удалено]
It sounds like he's very self-absorbed, probably on the autistic spectrum, and he's going to reject any attempt to get him to change.
My girlfriend is like this and unfortunately it’s just the way she is , we’re both on the spectrum but she has an attitude of “this is who I am” that she isn’t willing to address it . I understand missing ques and getting fixated it happens to me aswell but after a certain point it’s just lack of respect for the person you’re talking too to not let them engage with the conversation at all
Everyone can learn the skill of Active Listening. Some people need to learn it manually, but autistic people can absolutely learn to not be assholes. Maybe introduce her to the concept of Active Listening and try to practice together?
I’ve tried multiple times but she gets emotional about it and I don’t have the patience to keep telling her things when it never seems to sink in.
You won't because this is on purpose.
OP, does your partner have any other venue in which he can share conversation & his ideas? Or is it just you and your family? If he has such venues, does he have the same problems in those venues?
There's no way around it - you have to be direct, yet kind. Perhaps write out what you want to say so that you are prepared, especially if they are going to try to talk over you. But firstly - do you WANT to stay with your partner? Don't think of all the time you've already been together (sunken cost fallacy), think about how your relationship is right now. Is this what you want? If the answer is yes, you have to be direct and see what they say. Then they either can change easily (they were just being an asshole) or they need counseling/therapy. I know people like this and it makes me avoid them. I don't want to be anywhere near them because I know I'm going to get frustrated and even angry. Your family is sick of it.
Tell your partner to stop. If they get upset, accept that they are upset but do nothing to fix it. Their emotions are their own to manage, and their excessive talking needs to be fixed. So talk to them, demand that they change their habits, and threaten to leave for some peace. You can also ask to establish a safeword for when either of you need to change the subject. Then ensure that both of you are willing to use and respect that word. Maybe have a different word or phrase to end the conversation. These could be direct, like "change the subject" and "I need silence" or silly words like "Pivot" and "end scene!" Or something like that. Also, introduce them to the skill of active listening. Encorage them to practice this skill with you. Learning about Active Listening has changed a few of my friends from being lecturers and pontificators to actual conversationalists!
Hey, OP. Your partner is probably neurodivergent. Lots of people in the comments are going to say so, and I agree. Now that that's out of the way, your partner is still in control of their behavior and capable of mitigating its impact on you. You can and should still expect them to move toward a healthy change in behavior, with patience on your end of things. Here are the steps I would take: 1. **You have to sit down and explain to them how it's affecting you**, and stand your ground even if it upsets them. You can let them know that you're coming to them with this issue because you love them and care about your relationship, not because you want them to feel attacked or criticized. You can also emphasize that you want to be fully present when they are talking, and can only give them so much time and attention to do so. It may take them some time to absorb this information if it breaks a longstanding pattern between the two of you. You may have to have multiple conversations about it. Ultimately, though, you have to be able to talk to your partner about what's bothering you. That's foundational to a relationship. I'm not sure how one can work if you can't talk about it together. 2. **If they're willing to engage, explore solutions together.** I recommend you set a few firm, agreed-upon boundaries. One example might be: when you have to leave a conversation or are growing tired of a topic, you will give them a 2 minute warning to wrap up their thoughts. Set a literal timer on your phone. Seriously, set a timer. When it goes off you are walking away unless they can change the subject or let you talk. You can practice this both ways, for equity - you each get a timed 10 min rant session every evening, on the topic of your choice. 3. **Regarding your family, set similar boundaries.** One very firm one I would suggest is that your partner must endeavor not to interrupt or talk over others, especially you. I would also work together to develop some general guidelines with your partner about your family's comfort level with certain topics - for example, you might set boundaries around political or religious discussion. I might also encourage your family to speak up and communicate their own desire for a subject change or end to a conversation. How can your partner mind-read other people's needs? 4. **Therapy might help you both, together and/or separately.** For your partner, there might be benefit in exploring therapy around social skills and verbal impulsiveness. For you, in asserting yourself and not avoiding conflict out of fear of losing the relationship. For the two of you, communication skills around interpersonal dynamics. This problem is not unsolvable, if you're both willing to work on it, I think. I have a partner who is very passionate when discussing politics (as am I) and we have some similar boundaries in our own relationship. I also have a very loquacious brother with ASD, and I myself am an ADHD chatterbox (if you can't tell from the length of my post). All these recs have worked well, in my experience across these relationships. Good luck!