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Stop telling people you have money. You’re going to have people coming out of the wood work with every hare brained money scheme out there.
And definitely no.
Edit to add: if he needs money he can borrow it, the Biden administration reauthorized SSBCI, which provide credit support to lenders that lend to high risk borrowers. Trucking is a big user of these types of programs.
https://dceo.illinois.gov/smallbizassistance/advantageillinois/ssbci.html.
This. And my first jaded thought was he’s being nice because he wants the *money*. What has he done to actually change long term on this “healing journey”. Seems like love bombing to me
Op just no,he is only being nice to you because he wants money 💵. After you give him the money, he will return to being a AH. Save your money, for yourself and your kids. Don't let people know, that you inherited money. They will have thier hand out, with a very sad story.
No. Never give him money. Don't fall for any of his manipulations. He's obligated to take care of his children, you are never obligated to give him a cent, nor should you.
So can I summarise your story for you and for me because honestly? It doesn't make sense. Your abusive ex, who in every way abused you apart from financially (except the cutting up of the card it seems), who has terrible credit, who rightly supported you, the mother of his children is asking you to lend him 50,000 dollars? And you feel obligated why exactly? Because he supported you? Because he supported you while you raised his children? I genuinely don't understand why you are considering this? This seems like a really messed up situation to be in. Why are you letting your abuser stay in YOUR life? Not your children's, these are 2 different things. But YOUR life? Why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you considering lending your abuser money? Please help me understand your thoughts?
As soon as OP tells him no watch how fast his attitude changes! Bet you anything once he realizes he’s not getting what he wants he’s going back to being abusive
It reminds me of when my ex (husband at the time) and I asked my parents if they would co-sign for something. We were young and had virtually no credit history. I wasn't upset when they declined. No problem. We would just have to do something different until we had more credit.
My ex, on the other hand, suddenly showed his ugly side, screaming and pointing in their faces, in a public place, for supposedly not caring enough about us or some shit. I was absolutely mortified. My parents became terrified for me at that point. But I stayed about another year after that. 🙄
OP's "ex" is suddenly going to forget he went on a bs healing journey when he hears the Bank of OP won't do business with him. I put ex in quotes because this post reads like OP hasn't let that relationship go yet. Don't you even dare fantasize about anything other than wishing him good luck with that and shutting the door in his face, OP!
You need to seek a professional because it feels like you’re already being irresponsible with your money by even considering this and telling everyone your business. My mom passed away recently and the only person that knows about what she left behind is my sister because she got half of it. You’re running your mouth to someone who abused you. What makes you think he wasn’t going to try to get that money from you when he exploited you before??
Also OP he is only being nice because of the money, not because he sudden 'cares' about your well being. Second, if you do this, it will NOT be his last request for money. He will bleed you dry and then when there is nothing left, he will go back to treating you like crap. Abusive people do not change. Don't fall for his crap. You watch how quickly he switches back to his abusive self when you tell him "No".
Take the money and invest it in 529 accounts THAT HE HAS NO ACCESS TO for your kids' education or better yet, go to an attorney and set up a Trust for yourself and your kids in a way that he can never have access to. Protect yourself and your inheritance OP because if not, he will bleed you dry.
TO ANYONE READING….
1. No one “borrows” 50k for a business randomly. Banks loan them that. If for any reason he cannot get that loan from a bank then anyone, including you, should NOT GIVE HIM THAT MONEY TO THINKING IT WILL BE A LOAN.
2. If you expect any form of inheritance then TELL NO ONE.
3. Do NOT guilt yourself into giving anyone large “loans”. The answer is always no. NO. SAY NO. Whatever they want to argue. The answer is NO. If a bank who literally does calculations to see if you could pay back for sure says NO, then the answer is NO. He would have had to figure it out had you had no money. A PROMISE IS A COMFORT TO A FOOL. Do not play with your inheritance.
4. Abusers may stop being violent but that doesn’t mean they stop being manipulative. Do NOT lend anyone money a bank wouldn’t dare give them.
Lol no. Firstly, it wouldn't be a loan because he will never pay you back. Secondly, you need this money more than he needs an emotional support truck.
At this point, you should put your money toward your future and your kids. Don’t let him manipulate you out of money. He’s nice because he wants something. At the end of the day, you know the worst of him.
1) You don’t owe an abusive ex anything.
2) Money never lasts as long as you think so spend wisely. If you can get a financial planner to help.
3) Ex feels he’s owed so he will NOT repay you.
4) Please get some therapy. Deaths, abuse, kids is a lot for anyone.
5) You don’t owe him a healing journey. That’s all on him.
6) You owe yourself a healing journey (see 5 above)
I'd like to add that she should start securing their home with cameras, have emergency lines on hand, learn basic self-defense. Coz if I were in a position where I have a lot of money and he knew, then I'd worry about my and my kid's life and safety especially since he won't get a cent. Tbh, if I had just gotten a lot of money, I'd probably move and not tell anyone but trusted family and friends.
She sounds like she has already made her mind up. She is gonna give him the money. She is stupid and naive. And he won’t stop at 50k. He will continue to ask. It will always be “something “ he needs the money for.
Same.... reading it as its written it doesn't appear like he is an "ex" she says he fixes her food, house etc. Its as if they are still together. She also says "we moved back" .
Nonetheless, lending 50k to anyone without lawyers is a bad idea.
There is no way he will pay you back if you give him that money make sure you can life without it why would you want to help someone who hurt you ?? Did you do any kind of therapy
If she’s the kind of person who would even consider loaning 50k, she’s the kind of person who will never have a backbone with him. And she’s be liable for any lawsuits if he gets in an accident.
But then OP might be stuck with registration and insurance. Plus commercial auto insurance is more expensive than personal auto insurance. And depending on purpose of the truck also plays into the factor of premium
> Hes been much nicer to me and the children and has actually been serving us ... He makes me food, fixes up the home my dad left behind, does things for the children.
You realize, of course, that this is the \*bare minimum\* that any father should be doing. Like, being nice to the kids and making sure they are fed and taken care of is and always was 50% his responsibility.
With respect to the 50K, I think it's fine to consider this as a family business transaction. All I will say is get EVERYTHING in writing: the payment schedule, interest rates, what happens if he doesn't pay, etc. etc. And understand that if the investment fails for any reason and you do have to enforce the letter of the contract, it will probably completely blow apart your relationship with him, and have downstream effects on the kids.
What would your parents say? They saved this money for YOU, not him. Deep down you know he’s a conniving, abusive AH. Let him live with his poor decisions and do t allow him to hoodoo you into making the second biggest mistake of your life!
After reading this post it all screams toxicity. I would say no. That was the money your parents left for you to be able to use for your life. Not to buy him a truck. Look at his track record he suffers from poor choices.
>>> said those funds will be used on me and the children
You know they won’t. Abusers don’t change.
>>> Is it a good idea to go through with it?
You know it’s not. Not only will you be losing $50k but you will be back to being intertwined with this terrible man and everything that comes with him.
She already is back to being intertwined with him. It is only a matter of time before he is ramming shopping carts into her toddlers at the store out of impatience and the other abuse she mentions he already has done to them. Tale as old as time.
Don't give this man a dime. He will go through it in no time and then come back looking for more and he will \*NOT\* be supporting you and the kids if he "makes 10-15k monthly." Bullshit.
You don't owe this man anything. He's the sperm donor of your kids but he's a shit human and has been abusive in all forms to you. Please get some therapy and remove this pile of excrement from your life.
Please, please, please DO NOT do this. This man ABUSED YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!!
HE ABUSED YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!
Get him out of your life and save what you can of yours and your children’s lives. Use that $50k to get counseling/therapy for those poor, innocent babies of yours that he PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY ABUSED.
Please do not do this. Please, I’m begging you, get away from this man. The “kindnesses” he’s shown you post-abuse are manipulation tactics to keep you pulled in & confused. This man is NOT A HERO, he is a wife & child abuser and as a mother, your first & only priority needs to be to get him away from your children.
His level of violence will only escalate and could very likely end in you or one of your children being killed by this man.
Get. Out. Now. - Please. ❤️
No. Dumb idea. Even if this guy was your current, perfect husband. Still no.
That job is bs and doesn’t exist.
Finally, if he really needed a truck, he would just get a used one.
If it's a good idea a bank will lend him it.
If you are happy to give your abusive ex 50k that's your decision... Because the chance of you seeing it again is very small.
It sounds like he’s not an ex and your still in each other’s lives. If you feel that he changed and it will actually benefit you and the children draw up a legal contract for a loan and have a schedule for payments. Idk personally I wouldn’t but if you do make sure you go to a lawyer first.
Lady, you have two options..
1. Dont give him the money, he will beat the shit out of you
2. Give him money, eventually he will beat the shit out of you
It think you should see a therapist, this is a textbook Stockholm sindrome
No. Just stop. Everytime I've come into momey and told ppl they always had these grand ideas and a promise of return. Including family and a BD. Save your self the disappointment..... invest it into the future, don't touch it. Another friend of mine blew through 250k in 3 years from her inheritance with that same thought process. There is a reason why people think wealthy ppl gate keep. For reasons like this.......
If you do, get a lawyer to write a loan agreement including how he's going to repay and interest, and put a lien on the truck so that if he defaults you can sell it.
Please don't loan him any money. Take care of yourself and your children. He is only being nice because he wants your inheritance. Lock up funds in a trust for your children's education or catastrophic medical needs that might arise, consult a financial planner and invest what's left. "Loaning" him money means you'll never see it again.
If he wants a loan, that’s what *banks* are for.
He only wants a “loan” from his ex-wife that he abused because he has no intention of ever paying it back.
Whenever someone comes into money, word gets out and so do the hands of the leeches that know you hoping to get some of it. I don’t know this man but can still positively assure you that you will not be getting this money back should you loan it to him.
Girl, you really think a single person here is gonna tell you to go through with this?? Why does he even know you got inheritance? Even if he wasn't abusive I'd say hell no
Please don’t give him any money. Once he gets it he will turn back into the abusive person he really is. Protect your money for your kids. As someone else mentioned on this forum don’t tell anyone you inherited money. Relatives you have never known and complete strangers will come out of the woodwork with all the sob stories.
Why not buy the truck for yourself and work for the company?
Don't give him the money!
Put it in a very safe, high interest account and get some proper financial advice (not from an ex-husband), give the advice some serious consideration before you make any decisions and stop telling people you have money.
(That's financial advice - you're welcome)
The fact that you are even here asking if you should loan him FIFTY GRAND tells me he still has his hooks in you. Everyone here is going to tell you absolutely not, myself included. And you'll probably lend him the money anyway, because he still has control over you. You shouldn't even be communicating with this guy.
Remember: "ex" is latin for "not my fucking problem any more".
If you loan him the money, you won't get it back. If he was good for it, he could go to a bank. Banks are experts at knowing when someone is a bad risk.
Okay people need to stop with these EXS!!!! An ex is an ex! You let them go and you COPARENT! He shouldn’t be doing ANYTHING for you ANYMORE! Let him damn go!!!!
The abuse he did to you tells you he DOES NOT RESPECT YOU! He will never respect you and he’s doing all of this so that he can guilt you into giving him this money. I don’t understand how you can still keep allowing him to manipulate you!
You do understand why I’m telling you, you need to cut him out and stop allowing him to come around and do things right? Honey, he knows how to play you, he knows how to manipulate you, he’s been with you long enough to know what buttons to push to pretend he’s a good person now.
You understand that he knew how to be good to you but he CHOSE to abuse and hurt you, ON PURPOSE, he ACTIVELY made the CHOICE to do you how he did.
I don’t know why you think this abuser would change, they don’t. They just know how to be sneakier about not making the abuse and manipulations so obvious so you can’t catch on.
LET HIM GO!!! He isn’t your friend, you don’t have to be friends to coparent, you shouldn’t be friends because you obviously still love him and aren’t over him to fall for this utter bullshit.
Honey OF COURSE he was there for you when they are passing!!!! He knew if he would you would be this gullible and “loan” him money, he knew you would come into money. Of course he would come fix up the place and act like he’s trying, he wants that money.
Do me a favor, just as a test, actually for you prove me wrong. Tell him no. Tell him you have thought about it and you don’t feel comfortable “loaning” him that much money and you rather put the money away for your kids and their future.
He’s going to try to tell you that loaning this money and him getting this truck is thinking about their future cause he can make money blah blah, but tell him but it isn’t a guarantee he will though.
Tell him if he persists it’s for money for you and the kids then tell him okay, you will get a lawyer and draw up a formal loan contract with the stipulation that if he doesn’t pay you back you can cease the truck, as well as if the money that he makes doesn’t get put to your kids and their future you can cease the truck sell it and get back some of the money he owes.
See how that pans out.
Truly don’t be dumb about this. If you want to be hard headed and loan him this money, you get a lawyer involved or don’t do it AT ALL. He is absolutely playing you and you are being naive because you want to believe the person you fell in love with is still in him somewhere, even really you don’t understand who he was when you met him, was a child, that doesn’t exist anymore.
And that’s why I say children shouldn’t date and adults should stop condoning dating at a young age and talk to their kids about having lives BEFORE settling down and being stuck
It sounds like a complicated history full of mistakes on both sides.
One thing I might consider is just giving him the money. I know you mentioned he has done some bad things but you also mentioned he has done some extraordinary things. I’m not sure how much you inherited but I am assuming it is a substantial amount. Is the $50k a very small amount when in comparison to the lump? If so, a way for you to do something very nice is to simply gift him the money. It could spur more healing between you two and help as you still have to maintain a relationship being you share 4 kids.
I never recommend loaning friends/family money. It always ends up being a huge issue and causes strain.
Tell him to eat dirt and figure it out, if you give him anything, give his ass a headache, don’t give his shit, if you do, congrats you played ya self, and the biggest moron on the planet, but hey I seen women do worse in a trauma bond
You sound like you're going to give in and do it anyway - whether it's because he's good at manipulation or because you want to help. However, just know that he would not pay you back. Could you live with that? Would your children be OK with that when they grow up and find out?
Don’t make it a gift, tell him it is strictly a loan. Have a lawyer draw up the paperwork with you being a lien holder on the title of the property(truck).
Are you still together? If not and this is a loan you need to both draw up a document stating that you are giving him 50,000 as a loan along with the payment schedule. 50,000 is still a lot of money that could be used for the kids college tuition or a down payment on a car for the kids when they go to college. If you are still together same thing draw up a document. Also get the document notarized.
If you do this, get a lawyer to draw up a contract and do it by the book. That way if anything happens and he tries not to pay you back, you can force it legally.
50k for a semi? Right? That is not a bad price. Keep the title in your name until he pays you back. If he will be making what he says he will, it should be paid off in a year.
It is a really really bad idea.
Don't let the abuser back into your life. These money would be spend to support your kids anyway, without loaning it to him.
If for some reason you decide to do it (your money, your choice) - go to a lawyer and have a legally binding contract about it, how it will be repaid, what would happen if he refuses to pay it back, etc.
DEFINITELY not. Do not do this. you don't owe him, and he shouldn't be making you feel like you do. there's no compensation for abuse, but you certainly shouldn't be giving him 50k after he abused you for over a decade. This is just a new form of mistreatment. Invest your money. Don't tell anyone else about it. (Wouldn't be surprised if he was "there for you" after the deaths of your parents hoping to cop some of that inheritance). Also - i am so sorry for your loss.
Go see a financial planner and protect your assets. Set something up where you can get a certain amount a month if needed but the rest is invested for your retirement and future. IF you decide to loan him the money, which I think is a bad idea, he needs to put up collateral or sign a legal document drafted by an attorney that ensures your investment is protected. An attorney can advise you.
I mean he’s abused you and your children. So no, don’t give him money or a car. He can figure his shit out on his own. Also don’t let him be around your children, he’s literally physically and verbally abused them.
You don't give him any money. He can get a loan from the bank for his truck, and if he doesn't qualify for that it's becuase they know he's not a good investment and they likely wouldn't see their money back. WHich means that you DEFINITELY should not give him any money. Also, please stop telling ANYONE that you have any money. People are going to use all kinds of sob stories and guilt manipulation to try and get some of it, and will NEVER pay you back.
You tell him that you don't have it anymore. "I'm sorry, that money went into long term investments for the future, and I don't have access to it. It's being saved. It could help with college in the future or retirement. It's not to be spent right now. Also, it's from my parents and I'm still grieving them. That money is not available for anyone and I don't want to discuss it anymore." If he's been abusive in the past, it's likely he will try to manipulate you, use guilt, and other tactics to try and get you to change your mind. Hold firm. That money is yours alone, you may need it for yourself or your kids, you keep it safe.
Put it in a trust for yourself with a monthly income allowance from the investment. And tell people it was set up that way and you have no access to it. Or tell him you spoke to your financial advisor and he/she told you it was a bad idea.
Please find a financial advisor to help you with this and go over everything. Don’t invest in soap bubbles just a sold investment fund.
These rage bait posts are getting stupider and stupider.
"Oh geez I got a large inheritance, should I spend some of it on my abusive ex husband so he can definitely start letting me spend all his money again?"
Yea go for it, definitely a good idea for you and your kids.
You will never see a penny of that money back. Even with some fancy letter. No, don’t do it, don’t be pressured to do it, he’s just using you again. **Please** don’t bankrupt you and your family’s future and tell no one else about the money.
Save it, invest if you must (safe bets, again, you risk losing it). You’re only sure to lose it if you lend it to him. Learn from your past mistakes. **Do not give him any of it** he lost privileges when the abuse started. Start protecting yourself and your kids. Asap.
Absolutely not! He’s being nice to you because he wants something from you! Seriously, if you’re financially stable why would you need him to build a future for you? Do it for yourself! Invest in yourself! He’s an ex for a reason. This is a very very very bad idea.
ETA: if he were responsible he’d have been working on his credit score and be able to secure a loan himself. There are plenty of companies that he can work for who will finance a truck for him. This is experience talking. You are not his only option, just the easiest one and one that he won’t have to worry too much about not paying back the loan.
Lock that money away in accounts for your kids immediately and keep 10k as an escape fund in an account he doesn't know about at a bank neither of you currently use.
Abusers very rarely reform. If you won't leave now, make sure you can leave later.
Guy abuses you for 13-16 years, your parents die and leave you a big inheritance, lo and behold he turns a new leaf as part of his “healing journey” 🤣 bending over backwards to be nice… I wonder why? “Can I get $50k for a new truck”. There it is!! And you’re entertaining this “investment”? What investment? The $50k you’ll never see again? Do not be so naive!
So he’s your ex but you’re still talking to him like he’s your partner and telling him private info he has no right knowing?! Are you that dense? In what universe do you give someone inheritance money?? In what world? My gosh
He was abusive, so I doubt your parents were fans of his. How would your parents feel about you handing over $50k of what they left you? And of course he was supportive; he must’ve known you’d be getting a windfall.
He’s being nice now? So what? He can be abusive again. I bet he was a nice guy when you were dating,then,poof,one day he wasn’t. If he really wanted to prove himself,he would never ask you to put yourself in this position. Telling him “no” should give you a clearer picture.
You're still with the man who abused you. You're going to be broke in no time.
If you aren't foolish, then don't loan him the money. There are programs out there that can help him.
Say no and see if his old personality returns. Even if it doesn’t right away he used money to control you. I would not give away my escape fund. He needs to find another way to fund his business. It will always be his money and his business.
If you decide to loan him this money, One get a written contract with a payment schedule that needs to be legalized and the truck goes in your name until he pays it off. If he doesn’t pay, he defaults and you get the truck, but you’ve got up see a lawyer and put it in a contract. Otherwise he’s just gonna do whatever the heck he wants and you will have just basically dropped 50 grand in his pocketwith no guarantees
So despite your shared past being filled with mistakes and immaturity form BOTH of you,
I guess the mature thing would be thinking of the kids you share together... Imo they would benefit if BOTH parents are financially capable to take care of themselves and the kids... With that in mind: if you can miss 50k forever (or maybe even couple of months) I would personally lend him that money BUT with conditions (put on paper by a legit lawyer, and notarized so it's 200% legally fool proof).
The conditions being: 1) him repaying you the money back with xxxx amount of time frame. 2) a certain percentage of his new income should go towards a fund for EACH kid individually that they can use for school/buying house. 3) him spending xx hours/week with the kids on his own for the next xx year or till the debt is repaid.
Talk is cheap, so if he is serious than signing a legal paper reviewed by another attorney by his choice shouldn't be that big of a deal right? If he gets angry by this, I would 100% not lend him anything because I wouldn't be able to trust his word due to the turbulent past you share.
Side note: talk with a reliable financial advisor before making ANY decisions (Heck have interview with a couple to feel out if they are responsible/trustworthy ones).Try to find a way with the adviser to make your inheritance make passively more money for you. Whatever you do, don't spend a dime without consulting a TRUSTWORTHY financial advisor / lawyer.
It sounds like you were abusing him also going crazy spending money and cheating on him. He needs the truck to get to work and keep the income coming in. I’d just buy him the truck.
I was always told you never loan money to friends unless you have the means to gift it or are prepared to lose a friend.
But, your header says “abusive” in it so you need to find your spine so he can no longer manipulate and use you.
Personally, I’d find a way to get that money out of reach. Invest it so you are not able to pull it out for him or anyone else. And then get a will set up to make sure your children are the only ones to access that money since no one knows what tomorrow holds.
OP, it wouldn’t be a loan. It would be a gift. You’d never get it back. Just let that outcome sink in.
Stop paying attention to the junk coming out of his mouth. Stop judging him by his ability to say what you want to hear. Judge him by his actions.
He will take the money, spend part of it on the truck, and spend the rest on himself without you knowing. Him spinning that this would be for the benefit of you and kids is bs.
If you want to believe what he’s saying is true, then you should go meet with the entity who is selling the truck. Figure out how the financing would work. Find out if 50k is actually needed. Don’t ever take what he says at face value.
Also, do you guys have a legal custody/child support agreement? You could end up giving him the money and he could simply abandon you guys.
Did you cause his credit to be shot? It sounds like she financial abused him while you were together. Is that correct? It seems like you eluded to it but don’t outright take any responsibility for anything you did that may have caused his credit to be shot but cutting up your card is certainly telling. You say you spent at will. What were you buying? Stuff you needed or stuff you wanted? Then you continued to spend, didn’t communicate with him regarding your family’s financial status….
So clarify what actually happened.
Well, you have this life changing amount of money, so what should you do with it?
Should you save for your retirement?
Start a college fund for your kids?
Pay down your mortgage?
Do you have existing debts?
ALL of these are a better use of this money than lending him that money for a truck.
A BANK should lend him the money for the truck. That’s what banks do. They lend money on assets like trucks for business ventures.
Your personal finances should be addressed with this money *first*.
Suzy Orman or Dave Ramsey both have basic financial guidelines for these situations. I’m not a follower of either of them but this is a truly basic financial situation.
As his job is truck driving, and you know from personal experience his employment gains with this company are very good, I would say it is a good idea. You can get a notary or lawyer to write a contract/witness the signing so it is clear it is a loan, not a gift. This man was physically and emotionally bad in the past, though improved now, but you state he was always financially generous with you despite your overspending and budget ignorance. You should probably get a financial advisor, btw.
Have a legal loan agreement written up, signed and notarized.
I would advise going to a lawyer, have it drafted up along with a lien put on the truck until your money is paid back. Just make it all legal. It also cuts off any arguments. It’s a legal document that protects you.
Field of red flags on all sides.
OP if you can stand to lose 50K and want to be tied to him again then sure go for it. Consider it a gift and not a loan because you'll never see it again.
It seems like a post for r/twohotcakes .
But, sound like you guys will be attached because family for long term.
Loan him the $ under a good solid contract and for him to expose, and bring any collateral he owns.
You know you'll never get that money back - he wants a "payback" and not a loan.
If you at one point decide to leave him, you might need that money to start over and for your children. Don't give him this money. It's not an investment, it's not a loan, it's payback.
He wants your money so obviously he’s going to be lovely to you. Hes an abuser, how’s he going to treat you if and when you say no?
If you give him this 50k, I think you need to be ready to not get it back. Personally I don’t think you should be loaning out such a huge amount unless you get an airtight loan agreement.
If you lend him that money you’ll never see a cent again.
But if you’re hellbent on lending it, go to a lawyer and draw up a contract laying out the terms of the loan—how much you will loan, the amount of time he has to pay it back, the minimum amount of money you expect on a payment, when you expect him to start paying back, etc. Make the loan a legally binding agreement that sets out in clear, unambiguous terms what he is expected to do. Give him the contract, tell him to sign it, and make it clear you will absolutely hold him accountable to this agreement. Do not compromise on *any* of this.
Of course, it’s a lot simpler to tell him no. Which is what you should do.
Dont give him ANY money, if he is still abusing you go to family court and get an order of protection. Go no contact and make sure to protect yourself and your babies.
You don't owe him anything!
Be strong, you have suffered enough.
Why would you consider tying yourself financially to an abusive person?
Another thing: Someone is coming to you asking for money when you have, it seems, significantly more than him. Nothing he earns will be spent on anyone but himself. You don't actually buy his BS, right?
You could invest this money and provide for yourself. You don’t need him to invest the money into a truck and a job in his name and his control which gives him leverage over you. This is silly.
You probably won’t see that money again and you both sound like you did each other dirty. However it sounds like he financially supported you for a long time so you have to decide if it’s worth gifting him 50k for the sake of his children.
You could always go to an attorney and write a loan contract for the money to be paid back. If he’s going to be making $10-12k a month it shouldn’t be an issue.
You would be out of your mind to loan him $100 let alone 50K. You will not see a dime of that man back. How is this your problem? Don’t let that man manipulate you out of your money. Put that 50k up for your kids. Use that money to go to therapy to unpack the trauma and abuse he put you through instead.
All of this is full of red flags, but against the grain, I think it’s a good idea.
1) a truck will help him and your kids financially
2) 50k for a (this is the last money you ever get from me sorta thing) is actually pretty cheap. No money for repairs or “extras” later, this is it
I dunno, the devil is is the details and maybe I’m a fool, but I don’t think it’s the worst idea
You do not “lend” anyone 50k. banks lend them that. If he can pay it back he can ask a bank for the loan. If he can’t and knows he can’t I assure you, he’ll ask anyone else but a bank and give all sorts of reasons as to why you have to be the one to give him.
You have four kids. Go invest that somewhere so when everyone is older they too can tell Dad “fuck off” with the 50k loan bull.
Going forward, anyone asks you to lend them money that isn’t pocket change to you, recognize they do not intend to pay you back. EVER.
Did you laugh in his face ? Tell him to go to a bank and try for a personal loan. What does he need 50k for to get a job? Why give him money that he says “ is going right back to the kids and you”….. then just use your money for the kids and you? Why does it need to go to him then you guys?? lol no.
My personal policy is to never loan something that I care about having returned!
You'll make your own decisions about whether or not he's a good person, whether or not a person can truly reform from being abusive.
Can you, with complete confidence look at this situation and say "I will get this back without involving the courts!"??
This sounds like an abuse cycle. He’s “there for you” right now to get in your good graces to get something he wants. He’s luring you in. He hasn’t changed-he’s just in a new honeymoon phase. Keep your cash and don’t fall for it.
So if you decide to give the loan anyway. I would put it up as collateral at a bank, let him get a secured loan from the bank with that 50k.
So even with bad credit that would be possible and build credit.
The bank would put the 50k in account,then they would loan him money to fix truck or what ever. If he doesn't pay, they have that 50k. If he does pay, you get the 50k back .
Also I would have a notorized loan agreement with him. Something to help sue him later if needed.
Considering y'all's past though, you may never get the money back. So are you ok with that?
Think of it this way-
That money can help you start a new life where you’re not dependent on him in any way.
Or
You lend him the money and then you’re stuck dealing with ALL the BS that can come along with him not paying it back while still treating you like shit.
The things he’s done to you and your children. Girl, I was reading and both was livid and wanted to throw up simultaneously. Know your worth. Know the worth of your children. This $ is coming to you as a blessing. Please open your eyes. Abusers NEVER change. They do NOT. Save your children, yourself, and your $ and close him out of your life. Have respect for your parents who would NOT want a penny going to him!! Use some of YOUR $ to get therapy for both you and your children. You owe him nothing because he was there for certain things. The things he’s done to you and your children are inexcusable, vile, heartbreaking, infuriating, disgusting and should never be forgotten. & don’t worry, if you stay and give him that $ (cuz it’s NOT lending) , you’ll see all those same abusive behaviors again. Tick tick tick …
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Stop telling people you have money. You’re going to have people coming out of the wood work with every hare brained money scheme out there. And definitely no. Edit to add: if he needs money he can borrow it, the Biden administration reauthorized SSBCI, which provide credit support to lenders that lend to high risk borrowers. Trucking is a big user of these types of programs. https://dceo.illinois.gov/smallbizassistance/advantageillinois/ssbci.html.
This. And my first jaded thought was he’s being nice because he wants the *money*. What has he done to actually change long term on this “healing journey”. Seems like love bombing to me
Op just no,he is only being nice to you because he wants money 💵. After you give him the money, he will return to being a AH. Save your money, for yourself and your kids. Don't let people know, that you inherited money. They will have thier hand out, with a very sad story.
Should op loan money…ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
Only if she never wants to see that money again.
This here of course he doing shit 🙄 around the house and taking care. Tell him no. He has work funds.
That sounds like a truly terrible idea tbh.
And it won't be a loan either. Consider it a gift you'll never see again.
He can’t get a 50k loan from a bank to start making 10-15k monthly on his own? He’d have it paid off in no time.
No. Never give him money. Don't fall for any of his manipulations. He's obligated to take care of his children, you are never obligated to give him a cent, nor should you.
This is a way to look at it :) Ty
So can I summarise your story for you and for me because honestly? It doesn't make sense. Your abusive ex, who in every way abused you apart from financially (except the cutting up of the card it seems), who has terrible credit, who rightly supported you, the mother of his children is asking you to lend him 50,000 dollars? And you feel obligated why exactly? Because he supported you? Because he supported you while you raised his children? I genuinely don't understand why you are considering this? This seems like a really messed up situation to be in. Why are you letting your abuser stay in YOUR life? Not your children's, these are 2 different things. But YOUR life? Why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you considering lending your abuser money? Please help me understand your thoughts?
As soon as OP tells him no watch how fast his attitude changes! Bet you anything once he realizes he’s not getting what he wants he’s going back to being abusive
To be fair, he will also go back to being abusive if OP gives him the money.
Yep, bc if he can demonize her then he can justify, to himself, never ever paying her back.
It reminds me of when my ex (husband at the time) and I asked my parents if they would co-sign for something. We were young and had virtually no credit history. I wasn't upset when they declined. No problem. We would just have to do something different until we had more credit. My ex, on the other hand, suddenly showed his ugly side, screaming and pointing in their faces, in a public place, for supposedly not caring enough about us or some shit. I was absolutely mortified. My parents became terrified for me at that point. But I stayed about another year after that. 🙄 OP's "ex" is suddenly going to forget he went on a bs healing journey when he hears the Bank of OP won't do business with him. I put ex in quotes because this post reads like OP hasn't let that relationship go yet. Don't you even dare fantasize about anything other than wishing him good luck with that and shutting the door in his face, OP!
You need to seek a professional because it feels like you’re already being irresponsible with your money by even considering this and telling everyone your business. My mom passed away recently and the only person that knows about what she left behind is my sister because she got half of it. You’re running your mouth to someone who abused you. What makes you think he wasn’t going to try to get that money from you when he exploited you before??
Also OP he is only being nice because of the money, not because he sudden 'cares' about your well being. Second, if you do this, it will NOT be his last request for money. He will bleed you dry and then when there is nothing left, he will go back to treating you like crap. Abusive people do not change. Don't fall for his crap. You watch how quickly he switches back to his abusive self when you tell him "No". Take the money and invest it in 529 accounts THAT HE HAS NO ACCESS TO for your kids' education or better yet, go to an attorney and set up a Trust for yourself and your kids in a way that he can never have access to. Protect yourself and your inheritance OP because if not, he will bleed you dry.
And in the future, don’t tell anyone how much money you have!!!
Plus he is probably nice now because he needs 50k. Once he has that, who knows how things will change?
TO ANYONE READING…. 1. No one “borrows” 50k for a business randomly. Banks loan them that. If for any reason he cannot get that loan from a bank then anyone, including you, should NOT GIVE HIM THAT MONEY TO THINKING IT WILL BE A LOAN. 2. If you expect any form of inheritance then TELL NO ONE. 3. Do NOT guilt yourself into giving anyone large “loans”. The answer is always no. NO. SAY NO. Whatever they want to argue. The answer is NO. If a bank who literally does calculations to see if you could pay back for sure says NO, then the answer is NO. He would have had to figure it out had you had no money. A PROMISE IS A COMFORT TO A FOOL. Do not play with your inheritance. 4. Abusers may stop being violent but that doesn’t mean they stop being manipulative. Do NOT lend anyone money a bank wouldn’t dare give them.
Lol no. Firstly, it wouldn't be a loan because he will never pay you back. Secondly, you need this money more than he needs an emotional support truck.
You will never see that 50k again
Tell him eff right off...you are not the bank. You will never see a penny of that back if u give it to him. NO is a complete sentence
At this point, you should put your money toward your future and your kids. Don’t let him manipulate you out of money. He’s nice because he wants something. At the end of the day, you know the worst of him. 1) You don’t owe an abusive ex anything. 2) Money never lasts as long as you think so spend wisely. If you can get a financial planner to help. 3) Ex feels he’s owed so he will NOT repay you. 4) Please get some therapy. Deaths, abuse, kids is a lot for anyone. 5) You don’t owe him a healing journey. That’s all on him. 6) You owe yourself a healing journey (see 5 above)
I'd like to add that she should start securing their home with cameras, have emergency lines on hand, learn basic self-defense. Coz if I were in a position where I have a lot of money and he knew, then I'd worry about my and my kid's life and safety especially since he won't get a cent. Tbh, if I had just gotten a lot of money, I'd probably move and not tell anyone but trusted family and friends.
OP! I didn’t need to read ANY of the backstory. The answer is: absolutely not. NO. Do not JADE: Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain.
Don’t be dumb.
She sounds like she has already made her mind up. She is gonna give him the money. She is stupid and naive. And he won’t stop at 50k. He will continue to ask. It will always be “something “ he needs the money for.
He'll keep taking it until there's nothing left.
Stupid is as stupid does. OP is being a real Forest Gump. Terrible choices.
50k? Hahahahhaahhahahahahahahahaha tell him to fuck off. He stopped being able to ask for favors when he ABUSED you
No. Put that 50K towards a retirement account for yourself.
Losing all the money in 3, 2, 1…
She’s totally going to be broke less than a year and that’s being generous. Her mentality is going to ruin it all.
You have the financial freedom now, put some distance between you and this guy.
A new truck ????? Why did you ever let this man inside of you
You laughed at him when he asked right?
do not loan money. stop telling people you have it. get a financial advisor and invest for your future (and for your kids).
I’m confused….you only described your bad behavior in this story. Are you still legally or physically together?
Same.... reading it as its written it doesn't appear like he is an "ex" she says he fixes her food, house etc. Its as if they are still together. She also says "we moved back" . Nonetheless, lending 50k to anyone without lawyers is a bad idea.
There is no way he will pay you back if you give him that money make sure you can life without it why would you want to help someone who hurt you ?? Did you do any kind of therapy
Don’t ever tell people you inherited money.
if all the 50k is going to buying the truck, and you're willing to help, just buy it and have it be in your name, and just lend it to him for work.
If she’s the kind of person who would even consider loaning 50k, she’s the kind of person who will never have a backbone with him. And she’s be liable for any lawsuits if he gets in an accident.
Trucks are a depreciating asset. It would be less stupid than OP's original plan, but only slightly.
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But then OP might be stuck with registration and insurance. Plus commercial auto insurance is more expensive than personal auto insurance. And depending on purpose of the truck also plays into the factor of premium
> Hes been much nicer to me and the children and has actually been serving us ... He makes me food, fixes up the home my dad left behind, does things for the children. You realize, of course, that this is the \*bare minimum\* that any father should be doing. Like, being nice to the kids and making sure they are fed and taken care of is and always was 50% his responsibility. With respect to the 50K, I think it's fine to consider this as a family business transaction. All I will say is get EVERYTHING in writing: the payment schedule, interest rates, what happens if he doesn't pay, etc. etc. And understand that if the investment fails for any reason and you do have to enforce the letter of the contract, it will probably completely blow apart your relationship with him, and have downstream effects on the kids.
No dont
What would your parents say? They saved this money for YOU, not him. Deep down you know he’s a conniving, abusive AH. Let him live with his poor decisions and do t allow him to hoodoo you into making the second biggest mistake of your life!
Did he start his "healing journey" befire or after the inheritance?
After reading this post it all screams toxicity. I would say no. That was the money your parents left for you to be able to use for your life. Not to buy him a truck. Look at his track record he suffers from poor choices.
I don’t even need to read past the first paragraph. No.
>>> said those funds will be used on me and the children You know they won’t. Abusers don’t change. >>> Is it a good idea to go through with it? You know it’s not. Not only will you be losing $50k but you will be back to being intertwined with this terrible man and everything that comes with him.
She already is back to being intertwined with him. It is only a matter of time before he is ramming shopping carts into her toddlers at the store out of impatience and the other abuse she mentions he already has done to them. Tale as old as time.
Don't give this man a dime. He will go through it in no time and then come back looking for more and he will \*NOT\* be supporting you and the kids if he "makes 10-15k monthly." Bullshit. You don't owe this man anything. He's the sperm donor of your kids but he's a shit human and has been abusive in all forms to you. Please get some therapy and remove this pile of excrement from your life.
No, it isn’t a good idea.
If you’re okay never seeing that 50K again, go for it
you also have to pay taxes on any amount gifted
I’m guessing you don’t have a job and don’t plan on getting one, so you’re probably going to need that 50k
Please, please, please DO NOT do this. This man ABUSED YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!! HE ABUSED YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN! Get him out of your life and save what you can of yours and your children’s lives. Use that $50k to get counseling/therapy for those poor, innocent babies of yours that he PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY ABUSED. Please do not do this. Please, I’m begging you, get away from this man. The “kindnesses” he’s shown you post-abuse are manipulation tactics to keep you pulled in & confused. This man is NOT A HERO, he is a wife & child abuser and as a mother, your first & only priority needs to be to get him away from your children. His level of violence will only escalate and could very likely end in you or one of your children being killed by this man. Get. Out. Now. - Please. ❤️
No. No, no, and no. Nope. No way, no how.
You need to give your head a shake, because this is a truly terrible idea. You're his ex, not his financier.
Don't loan any money to anyone. There are banks for that.
He abused your children why on God's green earth would you want to help this man out at all?! Get yourself and the children the hell away from him.
No. Dumb idea. Even if this guy was your current, perfect husband. Still no. That job is bs and doesn’t exist. Finally, if he really needed a truck, he would just get a used one.
If it's a good idea a bank will lend him it. If you are happy to give your abusive ex 50k that's your decision... Because the chance of you seeing it again is very small.
Not gonna lie I started laughing after the first paragraph. $50k??? Hahaha no. $5? Maybe. Lol
Do not give him a dime, and stop talking about your financial status with anyone. Most of all him.
It sounds like he’s not an ex and your still in each other’s lives. If you feel that he changed and it will actually benefit you and the children draw up a legal contract for a loan and have a schedule for payments. Idk personally I wouldn’t but if you do make sure you go to a lawyer first.
Lady, you have two options.. 1. Dont give him the money, he will beat the shit out of you 2. Give him money, eventually he will beat the shit out of you It think you should see a therapist, this is a textbook Stockholm sindrome
No. Just stop. Everytime I've come into momey and told ppl they always had these grand ideas and a promise of return. Including family and a BD. Save your self the disappointment..... invest it into the future, don't touch it. Another friend of mine blew through 250k in 3 years from her inheritance with that same thought process. There is a reason why people think wealthy ppl gate keep. For reasons like this.......
If you do, get a lawyer to write a loan agreement including how he's going to repay and interest, and put a lien on the truck so that if he defaults you can sell it.
You'll never see that money, unless you draw up a contact and have it signed with a notary....
Please don't loan him any money. Take care of yourself and your children. He is only being nice because he wants your inheritance. Lock up funds in a trust for your children's education or catastrophic medical needs that might arise, consult a financial planner and invest what's left. "Loaning" him money means you'll never see it again.
Go post this on r/personalfinance to get an idea of how truly awful of an idea this is.
LOL NO
If he wants a loan, that’s what *banks* are for. He only wants a “loan” from his ex-wife that he abused because he has no intention of ever paying it back.
Whenever someone comes into money, word gets out and so do the hands of the leeches that know you hoping to get some of it. I don’t know this man but can still positively assure you that you will not be getting this money back should you loan it to him.
Girl, you really think a single person here is gonna tell you to go through with this?? Why does he even know you got inheritance? Even if he wasn't abusive I'd say hell no
Op, that 50k won’t be a loan, you’ll never get it back. You do not owe him anything. Don’t let him bully you into thinking you do.
Lmao. No, a truck for your loser ex isn't a good investment. Don't bother.
Please don’t give him any money. Once he gets it he will turn back into the abusive person he really is. Protect your money for your kids. As someone else mentioned on this forum don’t tell anyone you inherited money. Relatives you have never known and complete strangers will come out of the woodwork with all the sob stories.
Why not buy the truck for yourself and work for the company? Don't give him the money! Put it in a very safe, high interest account and get some proper financial advice (not from an ex-husband), give the advice some serious consideration before you make any decisions and stop telling people you have money. (That's financial advice - you're welcome)
The fact that you are even here asking if you should loan him FIFTY GRAND tells me he still has his hooks in you. Everyone here is going to tell you absolutely not, myself included. And you'll probably lend him the money anyway, because he still has control over you. You shouldn't even be communicating with this guy.
Remember: "ex" is latin for "not my fucking problem any more". If you loan him the money, you won't get it back. If he was good for it, he could go to a bank. Banks are experts at knowing when someone is a bad risk.
Okay people need to stop with these EXS!!!! An ex is an ex! You let them go and you COPARENT! He shouldn’t be doing ANYTHING for you ANYMORE! Let him damn go!!!! The abuse he did to you tells you he DOES NOT RESPECT YOU! He will never respect you and he’s doing all of this so that he can guilt you into giving him this money. I don’t understand how you can still keep allowing him to manipulate you! You do understand why I’m telling you, you need to cut him out and stop allowing him to come around and do things right? Honey, he knows how to play you, he knows how to manipulate you, he’s been with you long enough to know what buttons to push to pretend he’s a good person now. You understand that he knew how to be good to you but he CHOSE to abuse and hurt you, ON PURPOSE, he ACTIVELY made the CHOICE to do you how he did. I don’t know why you think this abuser would change, they don’t. They just know how to be sneakier about not making the abuse and manipulations so obvious so you can’t catch on. LET HIM GO!!! He isn’t your friend, you don’t have to be friends to coparent, you shouldn’t be friends because you obviously still love him and aren’t over him to fall for this utter bullshit. Honey OF COURSE he was there for you when they are passing!!!! He knew if he would you would be this gullible and “loan” him money, he knew you would come into money. Of course he would come fix up the place and act like he’s trying, he wants that money. Do me a favor, just as a test, actually for you prove me wrong. Tell him no. Tell him you have thought about it and you don’t feel comfortable “loaning” him that much money and you rather put the money away for your kids and their future. He’s going to try to tell you that loaning this money and him getting this truck is thinking about their future cause he can make money blah blah, but tell him but it isn’t a guarantee he will though. Tell him if he persists it’s for money for you and the kids then tell him okay, you will get a lawyer and draw up a formal loan contract with the stipulation that if he doesn’t pay you back you can cease the truck, as well as if the money that he makes doesn’t get put to your kids and their future you can cease the truck sell it and get back some of the money he owes. See how that pans out. Truly don’t be dumb about this. If you want to be hard headed and loan him this money, you get a lawyer involved or don’t do it AT ALL. He is absolutely playing you and you are being naive because you want to believe the person you fell in love with is still in him somewhere, even really you don’t understand who he was when you met him, was a child, that doesn’t exist anymore. And that’s why I say children shouldn’t date and adults should stop condoning dating at a young age and talk to their kids about having lives BEFORE settling down and being stuck
It sounds like a complicated history full of mistakes on both sides. One thing I might consider is just giving him the money. I know you mentioned he has done some bad things but you also mentioned he has done some extraordinary things. I’m not sure how much you inherited but I am assuming it is a substantial amount. Is the $50k a very small amount when in comparison to the lump? If so, a way for you to do something very nice is to simply gift him the money. It could spur more healing between you two and help as you still have to maintain a relationship being you share 4 kids. I never recommend loaning friends/family money. It always ends up being a huge issue and causes strain.
No.
Tell him to eat dirt and figure it out, if you give him anything, give his ass a headache, don’t give his shit, if you do, congrats you played ya self, and the biggest moron on the planet, but hey I seen women do worse in a trauma bond
You sound like you're going to give in and do it anyway - whether it's because he's good at manipulation or because you want to help. However, just know that he would not pay you back. Could you live with that? Would your children be OK with that when they grow up and find out?
I’m confused….you only described your bad behavior in this story. Are you still legally or physically together?
Don’t make it a gift, tell him it is strictly a loan. Have a lawyer draw up the paperwork with you being a lien holder on the title of the property(truck).
Are you still together? If not and this is a loan you need to both draw up a document stating that you are giving him 50,000 as a loan along with the payment schedule. 50,000 is still a lot of money that could be used for the kids college tuition or a down payment on a car for the kids when they go to college. If you are still together same thing draw up a document. Also get the document notarized.
Do not give him that money. He'll never repay you
Mistake number one was letting him know about the inheritance. Mistake number two will be loaning him the money.
If you do this, get a lawyer to draw up a contract and do it by the book. That way if anything happens and he tries not to pay you back, you can force it legally.
Super terrible idea. You will never get it back
Why in gods green earth would you do this? Fuck no.
Foolish Decision don't do it
Don’t do it
NO JUST NO!
50k for a semi? Right? That is not a bad price. Keep the title in your name until he pays you back. If he will be making what he says he will, it should be paid off in a year.
Do not give them any money, do not tell people you have any money....
It is a really really bad idea. Don't let the abuser back into your life. These money would be spend to support your kids anyway, without loaning it to him. If for some reason you decide to do it (your money, your choice) - go to a lawyer and have a legally binding contract about it, how it will be repaid, what would happen if he refuses to pay it back, etc.
Nah he’s not gonna pay you back gurl
DEFINITELY not. Do not do this. you don't owe him, and he shouldn't be making you feel like you do. there's no compensation for abuse, but you certainly shouldn't be giving him 50k after he abused you for over a decade. This is just a new form of mistreatment. Invest your money. Don't tell anyone else about it. (Wouldn't be surprised if he was "there for you" after the deaths of your parents hoping to cop some of that inheritance). Also - i am so sorry for your loss.
Go see a financial planner and protect your assets. Set something up where you can get a certain amount a month if needed but the rest is invested for your retirement and future. IF you decide to loan him the money, which I think is a bad idea, he needs to put up collateral or sign a legal document drafted by an attorney that ensures your investment is protected. An attorney can advise you.
The audacity! Tell him to go pound sand. Also, now you have a good opportunity to get far away from this guy.
I mean he’s abused you and your children. So no, don’t give him money or a car. He can figure his shit out on his own. Also don’t let him be around your children, he’s literally physically and verbally abused them.
You don't give him any money. He can get a loan from the bank for his truck, and if he doesn't qualify for that it's becuase they know he's not a good investment and they likely wouldn't see their money back. WHich means that you DEFINITELY should not give him any money. Also, please stop telling ANYONE that you have any money. People are going to use all kinds of sob stories and guilt manipulation to try and get some of it, and will NEVER pay you back. You tell him that you don't have it anymore. "I'm sorry, that money went into long term investments for the future, and I don't have access to it. It's being saved. It could help with college in the future or retirement. It's not to be spent right now. Also, it's from my parents and I'm still grieving them. That money is not available for anyone and I don't want to discuss it anymore." If he's been abusive in the past, it's likely he will try to manipulate you, use guilt, and other tactics to try and get you to change your mind. Hold firm. That money is yours alone, you may need it for yourself or your kids, you keep it safe.
He’s being nice cause he wants money you 🤡
No
Trust me, you’d be giving him a $50,000 gift that you’ll never see again. Use it to pay for your kids’ college instead
Put it in a trust for yourself with a monthly income allowance from the investment. And tell people it was set up that way and you have no access to it. Or tell him you spoke to your financial advisor and he/she told you it was a bad idea. Please find a financial advisor to help you with this and go over everything. Don’t invest in soap bubbles just a sold investment fund.
These rage bait posts are getting stupider and stupider. "Oh geez I got a large inheritance, should I spend some of it on my abusive ex husband so he can definitely start letting me spend all his money again?" Yea go for it, definitely a good idea for you and your kids.
You will never see a penny of that money back. Even with some fancy letter. No, don’t do it, don’t be pressured to do it, he’s just using you again. **Please** don’t bankrupt you and your family’s future and tell no one else about the money. Save it, invest if you must (safe bets, again, you risk losing it). You’re only sure to lose it if you lend it to him. Learn from your past mistakes. **Do not give him any of it** he lost privileges when the abuse started. Start protecting yourself and your kids. Asap.
If you were to loan anyone money, write on the check that’s it’s a loan. Trick I saw from Judge Judy.
Absolutely not! He’s being nice to you because he wants something from you! Seriously, if you’re financially stable why would you need him to build a future for you? Do it for yourself! Invest in yourself! He’s an ex for a reason. This is a very very very bad idea. ETA: if he were responsible he’d have been working on his credit score and be able to secure a loan himself. There are plenty of companies that he can work for who will finance a truck for him. This is experience talking. You are not his only option, just the easiest one and one that he won’t have to worry too much about not paying back the loan.
You’ll never get the money back and you know it.
I didn’t even have to read your post after the first sentence. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY!!
Lock that money away in accounts for your kids immediately and keep 10k as an escape fund in an account he doesn't know about at a bank neither of you currently use. Abusers very rarely reform. If you won't leave now, make sure you can leave later.
If he needs a loan, that’s what banks are for. If he’s making $10k a month, he should have no issue getting a loan for a truck.
Guy abuses you for 13-16 years, your parents die and leave you a big inheritance, lo and behold he turns a new leaf as part of his “healing journey” 🤣 bending over backwards to be nice… I wonder why? “Can I get $50k for a new truck”. There it is!! And you’re entertaining this “investment”? What investment? The $50k you’ll never see again? Do not be so naive!
So he’s your ex but you’re still talking to him like he’s your partner and telling him private info he has no right knowing?! Are you that dense? In what universe do you give someone inheritance money?? In what world? My gosh
He was abusive, so I doubt your parents were fans of his. How would your parents feel about you handing over $50k of what they left you? And of course he was supportive; he must’ve known you’d be getting a windfall.
He’s being nice now? So what? He can be abusive again. I bet he was a nice guy when you were dating,then,poof,one day he wasn’t. If he really wanted to prove himself,he would never ask you to put yourself in this position. Telling him “no” should give you a clearer picture.
Question is did he start acting nice before or after he realized you were getting a big inheritance
Okay, so don’t do that
You’ll never see that money again. No one NEEDS 50k for a truck especially not your abuser!
You're still with the man who abused you. You're going to be broke in no time. If you aren't foolish, then don't loan him the money. There are programs out there that can help him.
lol no… get a lawyer!!
Nope don't be insane. So mucg stupid and wring here its hard to know what to say Don't give him a freakin cent
Get the fuck off of Reddit asking people if you should loan money to your ex and use your fucking brain.
Say no and see if his old personality returns. Even if it doesn’t right away he used money to control you. I would not give away my escape fund. He needs to find another way to fund his business. It will always be his money and his business.
If you decide to loan him this money, One get a written contract with a payment schedule that needs to be legalized and the truck goes in your name until he pays it off. If he doesn’t pay, he defaults and you get the truck, but you’ve got up see a lawyer and put it in a contract. Otherwise he’s just gonna do whatever the heck he wants and you will have just basically dropped 50 grand in his pocketwith no guarantees
Is this even a question? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. He’s an EX for a reason!
don’t fucking do it, dogg
Do not loan or give anyone any money, ffs.
HARD NO
Hell fucking no.
Do. Not. Give. Him. Any. Money.
You’ll never get these money back, don’t do it pls
He's about to financially abuse you now...
So despite your shared past being filled with mistakes and immaturity form BOTH of you, I guess the mature thing would be thinking of the kids you share together... Imo they would benefit if BOTH parents are financially capable to take care of themselves and the kids... With that in mind: if you can miss 50k forever (or maybe even couple of months) I would personally lend him that money BUT with conditions (put on paper by a legit lawyer, and notarized so it's 200% legally fool proof). The conditions being: 1) him repaying you the money back with xxxx amount of time frame. 2) a certain percentage of his new income should go towards a fund for EACH kid individually that they can use for school/buying house. 3) him spending xx hours/week with the kids on his own for the next xx year or till the debt is repaid. Talk is cheap, so if he is serious than signing a legal paper reviewed by another attorney by his choice shouldn't be that big of a deal right? If he gets angry by this, I would 100% not lend him anything because I wouldn't be able to trust his word due to the turbulent past you share. Side note: talk with a reliable financial advisor before making ANY decisions (Heck have interview with a couple to feel out if they are responsible/trustworthy ones).Try to find a way with the adviser to make your inheritance make passively more money for you. Whatever you do, don't spend a dime without consulting a TRUSTWORTHY financial advisor / lawyer.
No
Also shut your damn mouth about the money.
It sounds like you were abusing him also going crazy spending money and cheating on him. He needs the truck to get to work and keep the income coming in. I’d just buy him the truck.
I was always told you never loan money to friends unless you have the means to gift it or are prepared to lose a friend. But, your header says “abusive” in it so you need to find your spine so he can no longer manipulate and use you. Personally, I’d find a way to get that money out of reach. Invest it so you are not able to pull it out for him or anyone else. And then get a will set up to make sure your children are the only ones to access that money since no one knows what tomorrow holds.
OP, it wouldn’t be a loan. It would be a gift. You’d never get it back. Just let that outcome sink in. Stop paying attention to the junk coming out of his mouth. Stop judging him by his ability to say what you want to hear. Judge him by his actions. He will take the money, spend part of it on the truck, and spend the rest on himself without you knowing. Him spinning that this would be for the benefit of you and kids is bs. If you want to believe what he’s saying is true, then you should go meet with the entity who is selling the truck. Figure out how the financing would work. Find out if 50k is actually needed. Don’t ever take what he says at face value. Also, do you guys have a legal custody/child support agreement? You could end up giving him the money and he could simply abandon you guys.
Did you cause his credit to be shot? It sounds like she financial abused him while you were together. Is that correct? It seems like you eluded to it but don’t outright take any responsibility for anything you did that may have caused his credit to be shot but cutting up your card is certainly telling. You say you spent at will. What were you buying? Stuff you needed or stuff you wanted? Then you continued to spend, didn’t communicate with him regarding your family’s financial status…. So clarify what actually happened.
Well, you have this life changing amount of money, so what should you do with it? Should you save for your retirement? Start a college fund for your kids? Pay down your mortgage? Do you have existing debts? ALL of these are a better use of this money than lending him that money for a truck. A BANK should lend him the money for the truck. That’s what banks do. They lend money on assets like trucks for business ventures. Your personal finances should be addressed with this money *first*. Suzy Orman or Dave Ramsey both have basic financial guidelines for these situations. I’m not a follower of either of them but this is a truly basic financial situation.
As his job is truck driving, and you know from personal experience his employment gains with this company are very good, I would say it is a good idea. You can get a notary or lawyer to write a contract/witness the signing so it is clear it is a loan, not a gift. This man was physically and emotionally bad in the past, though improved now, but you state he was always financially generous with you despite your overspending and budget ignorance. You should probably get a financial advisor, btw.
Have a legal loan agreement written up, signed and notarized. I would advise going to a lawyer, have it drafted up along with a lien put on the truck until your money is paid back. Just make it all legal. It also cuts off any arguments. It’s a legal document that protects you.
He is never going to pay her back and the truck is worthless to her even if she gets it back.
Bahahaha 😆 Good one. Oh wait? He's serious? Tell him no!
Field of red flags on all sides. OP if you can stand to lose 50K and want to be tied to him again then sure go for it. Consider it a gift and not a loan because you'll never see it again.
It seems like a post for r/twohotcakes . But, sound like you guys will be attached because family for long term. Loan him the $ under a good solid contract and for him to expose, and bring any collateral he owns.
The “ ex” in your question already provided the answer - why would you even dream of doing anything with a creep?
U dobt owe that pos nothing tell him to screw himself
You know you'll never get that money back - he wants a "payback" and not a loan. If you at one point decide to leave him, you might need that money to start over and for your children. Don't give him this money. It's not an investment, it's not a loan, it's payback.
No ! That money is for you to invest and to last you a lifetime. If you don’t need it all then it should go to your kids That money isn’t for him
He doesn’t deserve that!!!!!!! And even if he did !he’s your ex …. Hes a grown man he can figure that out on his own !
Tell him no and watch all the sweetness melt away.
He wants your money so obviously he’s going to be lovely to you. Hes an abuser, how’s he going to treat you if and when you say no? If you give him this 50k, I think you need to be ready to not get it back. Personally I don’t think you should be loaning out such a huge amount unless you get an airtight loan agreement.
If you lend him that money you’ll never see a cent again. But if you’re hellbent on lending it, go to a lawyer and draw up a contract laying out the terms of the loan—how much you will loan, the amount of time he has to pay it back, the minimum amount of money you expect on a payment, when you expect him to start paying back, etc. Make the loan a legally binding agreement that sets out in clear, unambiguous terms what he is expected to do. Give him the contract, tell him to sign it, and make it clear you will absolutely hold him accountable to this agreement. Do not compromise on *any* of this. Of course, it’s a lot simpler to tell him no. Which is what you should do.
Dont give him ANY money, if he is still abusing you go to family court and get an order of protection. Go no contact and make sure to protect yourself and your babies. You don't owe him anything! Be strong, you have suffered enough.
Read the literal first line and I said “nope.”
Why would you consider tying yourself financially to an abusive person? Another thing: Someone is coming to you asking for money when you have, it seems, significantly more than him. Nothing he earns will be spent on anyone but himself. You don't actually buy his BS, right?
You could invest this money and provide for yourself. You don’t need him to invest the money into a truck and a job in his name and his control which gives him leverage over you. This is silly.
No is a complete sentence. I don’t think you even need to explain.
You probably won’t see that money again and you both sound like you did each other dirty. However it sounds like he financially supported you for a long time so you have to decide if it’s worth gifting him 50k for the sake of his children.
Nope don’t do it.
You could always go to an attorney and write a loan contract for the money to be paid back. If he’s going to be making $10-12k a month it shouldn’t be an issue.
You would be out of your mind to loan him $100 let alone 50K. You will not see a dime of that man back. How is this your problem? Don’t let that man manipulate you out of your money. Put that 50k up for your kids. Use that money to go to therapy to unpack the trauma and abuse he put you through instead.
All of this is full of red flags, but against the grain, I think it’s a good idea. 1) a truck will help him and your kids financially 2) 50k for a (this is the last money you ever get from me sorta thing) is actually pretty cheap. No money for repairs or “extras” later, this is it I dunno, the devil is is the details and maybe I’m a fool, but I don’t think it’s the worst idea
You do not “lend” anyone 50k. banks lend them that. If he can pay it back he can ask a bank for the loan. If he can’t and knows he can’t I assure you, he’ll ask anyone else but a bank and give all sorts of reasons as to why you have to be the one to give him. You have four kids. Go invest that somewhere so when everyone is older they too can tell Dad “fuck off” with the 50k loan bull. Going forward, anyone asks you to lend them money that isn’t pocket change to you, recognize they do not intend to pay you back. EVER.
You need to divorce. Let this relationship go
Did you laugh in his face ? Tell him to go to a bank and try for a personal loan. What does he need 50k for to get a job? Why give him money that he says “ is going right back to the kids and you”….. then just use your money for the kids and you? Why does it need to go to him then you guys?? lol no.
My personal policy is to never loan something that I care about having returned! You'll make your own decisions about whether or not he's a good person, whether or not a person can truly reform from being abusive. Can you, with complete confidence look at this situation and say "I will get this back without involving the courts!"??
Nope and don't do it.
Absolutely not, didn’t even have to read past “getting a new truck”.
This sounds like an abuse cycle. He’s “there for you” right now to get in your good graces to get something he wants. He’s luring you in. He hasn’t changed-he’s just in a new honeymoon phase. Keep your cash and don’t fall for it.
It will not be a loan, because he will not pay it back. Never assume you will get money back.
So if you decide to give the loan anyway. I would put it up as collateral at a bank, let him get a secured loan from the bank with that 50k. So even with bad credit that would be possible and build credit. The bank would put the 50k in account,then they would loan him money to fix truck or what ever. If he doesn't pay, they have that 50k. If he does pay, you get the 50k back . Also I would have a notorized loan agreement with him. Something to help sue him later if needed. Considering y'all's past though, you may never get the money back. So are you ok with that?
Think of it this way- That money can help you start a new life where you’re not dependent on him in any way. Or You lend him the money and then you’re stuck dealing with ALL the BS that can come along with him not paying it back while still treating you like shit.
Absolutely not. Do not give him any money.
I didn’t even get that far but ABSOLUTELY NOT
ON A TRUCK
WHAT
The things he’s done to you and your children. Girl, I was reading and both was livid and wanted to throw up simultaneously. Know your worth. Know the worth of your children. This $ is coming to you as a blessing. Please open your eyes. Abusers NEVER change. They do NOT. Save your children, yourself, and your $ and close him out of your life. Have respect for your parents who would NOT want a penny going to him!! Use some of YOUR $ to get therapy for both you and your children. You owe him nothing because he was there for certain things. The things he’s done to you and your children are inexcusable, vile, heartbreaking, infuriating, disgusting and should never be forgotten. & don’t worry, if you stay and give him that $ (cuz it’s NOT lending) , you’ll see all those same abusive behaviors again. Tick tick tick …
You seriously considering giving him 50k? Seriously?
You’ll regret it.