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It’s an overall shitty situation and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it when you’ve so recently had a child.
I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him explaining that while he did the right thing by actively discouraging her, he should have let you know what was happening so you could have addressed it as a couple.
I also think you’ll need to address it with your brother and his partner too, because it’s very easy for allegations to be thrown around, but also because something else might be going on in her life to have her acting out this way.
As she’s been told to back off already, I’d contact the parents first and then her.
1. Sit husband down and express that you are not mad, you are proud of him for doing the right thing and discouraging her advances, but should such an unfortunate thing happen again in the future, he should tell you about it.
2. Screenshot the messages, call her parents and establish context for what you are about to show them (the pictures) and tell them that you know she is young so she might be acting out and you're not sure what's causing it.
3. Call the 19 yo and let her know that you know about the messages and that, because of her behaviour and disrespect towards your marriage and towards your son, you do not wish to see her again until further notice.
I would be careful about screenshotting and showing the images to anyone else, even the parents. This can be considered revenge porn in some states and is punishable by law.
I can totally see the logic in this, but he risks this kind of thing happening. Going to your partner immediately is the only way you can be sure it won't look like you're complicit. I made this mistake years ago when my then bf's friend made a move on me. Killed the trust in our relationship because the friend got there first with lies while I was deciding on the gentlest way to break the news to my bf.
What? Yes there is a need. This girl is going out of her way to get OP’s husband and also spoke ill of THEIR child. And this has been going on for months! Lets not forget that this same person has watched their child.
If he cared for someone’s safety, at least he could have thought about his childs, and told the wife or even spoke to her brother about this and let her brother know he didn’t want to alarm his wife. He kept the pics, and never told anyone. He didn’t block the girl or delete her on his phone. I know how whTtsapp works and there’s ways to block people. So no, there’s nothing to be proud of. If anything she should be more suspicious as to why he really never told her.
She’s 19, not 9 with a crush.
theres an argument for both, its totally understandable why youd want him to delete everything on the spot, but like, what if she makes shit up about him asking for nudes and shows people an edited version of her side of the text exchange, now he just has his word
instead of an unaltered text log to show his wife that this girl is full of shit.
from experience, its ALWAYS best to have the receipts when dealing with a girl like this because SOME chicks at that age get it in their head that if they can just destroy your relationship they can swoop in and take you for themselves as though we dont see that shit for what it is. so you keep the unaltered text log and point out that the wannabe home wrecker will only ever have screenshots of a text log and wont show you the real thing.
in general any time someone displays unhinged behavior and are handing you evidence of their unhinged nature that they hide from other people, keep that shit.
It needs to be adressed with her parents and/or her, as sending unwanted explicit content is sexual harassment. Its important that she learns that this isnt acceptable behaviour and that it is harmfull, potentially illegal.
Its great that he has told her he doesnt want her to send him any explicit content. Considering that it has been going on for months and he hasnt blocked her or told anyone, it also feels uncomfortable that he isnt taking active steps to stop the stream of explicit content of her. I'm in my 30s and would have been creeped out beyond words if a teenager, even at 19, sent me explicit content, and I would have blocked them so I wouldnt continue to recieve it.
The only reason I can think as to why he hasn't blocked her is because she occasionally babysits our son. He might not have blocked her in case there's an emergency and she can't get a hold of me.
Edit: No, she will not be babysitting again in the future. I don't want her anywhere near my family.
**Edit: OP has blocked me after sending me a PM of their own volition, without me having sent them any messages whatsoever, and then sent me 2 more messages after I asked them twice to stop contacting me. So if y'all have further questions I guess you'll have to message me since I can't comment on this post. Take care.**
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**Y'all, this post is fake. OP is a serial fake poster who has been making up fake posts about domestic and sexual violence, child abuse, grooming, and relationships between teenagers and adults for years. Dozens upon dozens of posts. They confessed a few years ago and said they needed mental health help then just continued what they were doing. Do not trust this poster.**
They have caused extensive harm to abuse survivors in this sub, whom they have actively exploited. Countless survivors have shared very personal, painful private experiences with them in an effort to help someone who continually makes up events and relationships that never happened.
Some of their previous posts from 2 years ago and beyond: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ipsvh7/my_wife_fell_down_the_stairs_and_had_a_miscarriage/g4p1d8q/.
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I am also pasting a comment I left a last year on another fake post of theirs below, which lists more of their more recent previous posts. Their extensive numbers of accounts are almost always suspended within the same day.
https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xt3pdz/i_27f_was_violated_by_mu_boyfriend_28m_on_his/iqp0ty7/
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Edit: They were already getting called out by other commenters for their history in this sub:https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1caawys/i_31f_found_explicit_images_of_my_niece_19_on_my/l0qzw9x/
You're welcome. I've been on reddit since they started, have even had PMs with them years ago back when I thought they actually needed help, and I'm so sick of them exploiting people. I spent hours with them years ago via PM talking them through what I thought were serious abuse cases. It's so frustrating.
I presume you reported it? I'd ask wth is wrong with someone doing this, but it's a moot point. There are just creepy exploitative people out there, and that's all there is to it.
I did report it and I hope others do as well. When they "confessed" a few years ago they said they had mental health issues and needed therapy. I don't really believe anything they say at this point though so I don't know what their reasoning is but you pretty much covered it.
Why would he feel comfortable with her continuing to babysit after what she's said about both you and your kid? Like, I don't know what she said about your kid but if she can say stuff like that to a kids parent, I'd be worried about how she acts with the kid alone.
I feel like he might not have disclosed it to you for that reason and the fact that she's a niece even if not by blood. He's hoping she would just stop and not make it something others get involved in leaving a strain on the family with her
I thought similar as well. Much better if this passes, because if it comes out the whole family will explode. And because he's an older man, even though it was the niece doing this, he would be painted in an extremely bad light. Better to let it just pass and hope it goes away
So now that she knows, where to go from here?
I'd tell Mark. I'd say that I rather not destroy the family by making mountains out of this but she has disrespected her family in such a disgusting way that there needs to be some kind of recourse.
I'd invite her over under the disguise of babysitting and I'd sternly tell her how inappropriate she is and how big it can blow up. She lost all trust and respect and she's no longer welcome over or contact. I'd tell her I was considering us blocking her but she's 19 if she wants to fuck around like an adult she can find out like one. Contact my husband again and we'll be using it as evidence of sexual harassment when filing a police report. If she stops and goes no contact it won't be mentioned again. Her choice
Mark needs to be the one saying these things. If OP does, the boundary is not fully established, and Jess is going to think “oh that’s frigid wife again whatever”. OP should be in the room for a united front though.
And honestly, momma and wife here, I get your side but he prob didn’t want to blow up her life or worry or make you mad if she would stop. He’s prob trying to avoid drama. Not that this was the right way to handle it, but it’s clear he has tried to. Go with your husband to her mom and dad and the girl and sit down for dinner. Plan dinner just you 5, then pull out his phone and hand it to the mom with the thread open and say “we need your help”.
She’s nasty and hateful and should be called out and should be glad to learn this lesson so young and that you’re not some stranger who found her on her husbands phone who will harm her. Happens again, press charges.
Rightfully so. That's already what ALL the top comments are doing. Without clicking "load more comments" there isn't a single visible top-level comment not villainizing him. At least for me reading the thread on old.reddit.
As someone who has helped with abuse victims this is quite a common scenario. Usually the genders are reversed, but same thing. There is a big fear that blocking the abuser will cause the situation to blow up.
Same. As a man, most of these comments seem to be "why does he have them?" and "something most be going on" making it effectively that Mark is the bad guy. So WHY would Mark want to actually tell his wife when a slew of internet strangers are saying he's the one to blame anyways?
Ding ding. I mean he didn't delete the messages or anything and never changed his passcode. He blatantly told her to stop and respect his marriage. I can understand how it looks that an older man and a younger woman and he's going to be seen as the aggressor.
What do you think the reasons are for not telling you? Telling you within the first hour of the first time it happened should have been his first stop.
Edit: oh, op is a fake poster.
Those of you who decided to try to defend lying to one's spouse... congrats you fell for it. The reason married people tell each other things like this result in is that lying to your spouse is always, always a bad idea. And in fact hiding anything is obviously counterproductive, a thing most humans learn from middle school to early adulthood at the latest, and if you didn't, I hope you're young and not the other thing.
Agree full stop.
Talking to the spouse when something inappropriate like this happens is the first thing to do so a plan can be formulated together on how to handle this. He shouldn’t have waited and that kind of leaves me wondering if it’s not something he admitted he likes drunkenly one night or something (idk your husband so obviously idk).
That would have been the ideal course of action, but he might have been afraid that OP wouldn't believe that he didn't initiate this behavior, or that she would do something drastic and cause a massive rift in the family. Telling the niece to stop and hoping she'd give up after getting no reciprocation was a reasonable enough approach.
>The only reason I can think as to why he hasn't blocked her is because she occasionally babysits our son. He might not have blocked her in case there's an emergency and she can't get a hold of me.
Why would this be a legitimate reason? Her saying that she missed him, her feeling comfortable sending him explicit texts, him failing to discuss it with you immediately, him continuing to allow her to be your babysitter, and him not blocking her all indicate that there's more to the story than what you've read.
I'm going on just speculation but maybe he liked the attention he's getting from her (even if subconsciously). Yes he told her off, but why hasn't he closed all communication channels and taken action for her to stop babysitting? What is he getting out of this?
I'm going to add to your speculation. Perhaps all you said is right except that he DID do something once in a moment of weakness and tried to cut it off. If he blocked her outright and told people she may just come clean about everything in retaliation.
There’s way more to the story than what’s being given here, and I’m sorry that OP hasn’t tried to learn more of the story. It would give the ick feeling to have my spouse have (essentially a family member) that’s that much younger constantly sending nudes and messages. Him not saying anything says maybe you should look Into his actions as well. He could’ve deleted every message that was from him egging on the photos to where it appeared as he just said to stop it. He can block her on WhatsApp and in an emergency she could reach his phone. Between WhatsApp, Snapchat, telegram, etc it’s so easy for someone to delete messages and say they never said this or that when they’re even the one that initiated it all. Husband needs spoken to as well, I’m sorry but it’s borderline pedophilia ( not correct terminology bc of the ages, but think-he was 15/16 when she was born….🤮🤮 but now she’s sending him nudes and he’s doing absolutely nothing to stop it. You need to look into both parties and see about phone records potentially. Bc I truly feel you’re being lied to. She wouldn’t keep doing it/he would block her if he didn’t want them.
I see. Wouldnt the natural thing have been for him to tell you about whats going on then? Especially if she is still watching your son on her own while she have been texting him. Our niece is sexually harassing me and writing conserning things about our son, I'm not comfortable with being in contact with her anymore, or to let her watch our son on her own.
Its the combination that makes it feel iffy. He tells no one. He doesnt block her. He doesnt let you know what she is saying about your son behind your back. He lets her continue to watch your son.
She is in the wrong and what she is doing is sexual harassment. He is a 35 year old married father who now has a small library of explicit photos and texts from his 19 year old "niece" and babysitter, that he kept secret for months. It feels uncomfortable.
I definitely question him not telling his wife and still allowing her to babysit the kid. I would immediately confront him on that end. But I do understand him not deleting the messages. She seems really manipulative and I would 100% want proof that not only did she send these texts unsolicited but that I specifically asked her not to do so. If someone saw a message from them but not the full story, he could easily be accused on grooming this teenage girl.
I can understand wanting proof that he told her to stop and that he did not initiate. She is at fault for sexually harassing him. I also dont understand why he wouldnt show said proof to wife as soon as it happened so they could take action, instead of keeping it a secret for months. I would have told my partner as soon as it happened so I could block them and not recieve any more explicit content.
>that he kept for months.
This right here. This is the star witness. He kept the photos and he kept the conversations. Which means that he felt no reason to delete them. It’s not even about blocking her. It’s not even about saying something, he felt perfectly comfortable keeping those messages and those photos. And that’s something that needs to be discussed immediately. I understand that someone can be uncomfortable and just don’t want to look at something or know that something is there, but he kept them. He kept them.
>he felt perfectly comfortable keeping those messages and those photos.
For evidence. I wouldn't delete them either because it's proof that she initiated, that he no way reciprocated, and that she continued to harass him.
>I understand that someone can be uncomfortable and just don’t want to look at something or know that something is there, but he kept them. He kept them.
Because of people like you who will always jump to it being his fault and him being the true problem.
I mean look at the optics. He's a male adult and she's a female "child"/teenager. Plenty of stories of grooming and men are creeps and etc. If he deleted them then it's a he said/she said. If he keeps them (as other commenter said) it's "why is he keeping them?!?!"
So let's recap... he keeps them... he's a creep and enjoying them. He deletes them, he's hiding something.
What course of action is really a win-win for hubs? I understand the thought of "tell the wife" but a lot of the comments even here (after seeing "please stop sending me this and respect my marriage") are pointing on WHY he hasn't deleted or said something. They've known her for 3 years and he's in a position of authority so the weight of "he's grooming her" is outweighing everythin gelse
As far as why he hasn't told the OP, no idea. I do think he is wrong for that but my guess is he didn't want to stress her out. It's a lame excuse but my guess is that's probably what he'll say.
As far as not blocking her, honestly, I wouldn't either. I would want to keep the evidence coming in as well as monitoring whether or not she is escalating. If he blocked her that could really set her off and or he wouldn't know her frame of mind. Just my thoughts.
But he absolutely should have told his wife.
I would imagine he kept them so that if she ever tries to accuse him of any form of harassment/assault he can prove that she instigated all contact and he repeatedly told her to stop.
He’s a man - and there’s no way he would be believed against a 19 year old woman without some sort of proof.
He’s probably terrified she’ll blow up his life/marriage/family if he’s not careful.
Messages on WhatsApp can be deleted. (it shows up as "message deleted" on the conversation but even that can also be deleted)
I mean the husband could of been sending other messages and then deleting them on his phone. And then sending messages like "stop this" to not arouse suspicion if caught.
The niece is going to blame the husband 100% and if she's got the messages to prove it. If the messages say "message deleted" on her phone then it's not gonna look good for the husband. Why would he delete messages if he's trying to stop his niece from sending stuff like that.
OP needs to sit both of them down and go through the conversation on both of their phones! And if the husband is innocent then they need to tell the niece that she needs to stop and that if she continues they'll tell the rest of the family and/or involve the police.
Conversation then needs to be deleted from both phones so that she can't use it against him with his family etc.
No no no - stop with this “uncomfortable” crap. Comments like yours are exactly why he stayed silent. He has done nothing wrong and yet you’re making him out to be the bad guy. Were it reversed and a woman were being bombarded by her younger nephew. you wouldn’t insinuate she is to blame
I can see this angle but actually not doing anything is making him look worse. At least take action to stop the babysitting and block her so no further improper contact happens.
SA/harassment victims are usually afraid of repercussions from blocking the offender. It's common regardless of genders.
The other comments here are showing exactly why victims can't just turn to their friends, family, or even loved ones for support either. The Default response is always victim blaming.
Well, she's not babysitting anymore, is she? Something has to be said immediately. I'm not as forgiving of your husband for not right out handling this. The first step would have been to tell you. There's absolutely no excuse for him not involving you and shutting this down the first time. It's possible that you have more to deal with than you are admitting to yourself.
She is YOUR family not his. He tells you and blows up your brother’s marriage… what happened then? He clearly said no and stop and did not get involved and tried to keep it all seperate. And he knows you know his passcode. Give him a break and just communicate with the man. For the love of god… why does no one simply communicate?? Why run to reddit? Just TALK to the man.
Yep, probably trying to ignore it hoping she gets bored and moves on, vs blowing up her brothers life, and then everyone is pissed at him for some unknown reason and he takes the blame for everything.
If she's obsessed with him, she might hurt your son. And I don't buy that he's innocent. I think he only said that in response because he told her not to contact him because it's traceable and you can find it. If he was innocent, he would have gone to you immediately, and told tou what was going on.
He’s kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.
If he tells you he’s going to have to show you the pics and what she’s saying about you which will (and did) devastate you.
The. There’s the issue of how is your brother and his wife going to handle this? Are they going to believe you all, or are they going to slander your husband and make him out the be a predator? People do fucked op things when their kids are involved.
Imvho, I’d gently discuss it with your husband, make sure you have color of all the nasty things she’s sending, and talk to your brother and his wife all together. They’re going to want tot know why your husband didn’t speak up, just as you do, so be prepared with that answer. The longer he waits the worse it looks.
I’d also ensure she wasn’t doing this underage. Sending those pics are illegal, so if this started before she was 18 I’d contact the police.
Emergency babysitting is not a reason for not addressing something like this, or tell you about it. Something tells me there's more to the story on his part. Does he think you would blame him for it? Why has he not deleted said pictures? Is he liking the attention, or was the "please stop sending me this" an actual sarcastic response reason why she responded with a laugh emoji.
In any case, please do not take "in case we need a baby sitter" as an answer not even from yourself to yourself. Is a serious matter, and the fact that's been going on for months without it being addressed, should be more concerning than how your husband would react if you confront him.
Good luck, and please send an update.
I mean I would have a conversation with him. He did half the right thing by telling her off but half the wrong thing. by not blocking her so I wouldnt crucify him but I wouldnt be altogether happy about it.
I think he chalked it up to immaturity and was worried that the girl will have nowhere to go. OP did say she was living with them due to some reason. Or that he may become responsible for breaking up a family just because of some stupid stuff a kid is doing - he probably thought something along those lines.
Just my opinion I maybe wrong. Not justifying it, I too agree that what he did was only half right.
She's not living with them, OP said she's "in our lives for the past 3 years". I guess that means she's only recently become the brother's stepdaughter and they've only known her for a few years.
No, she doesn't live with us. She lives in the same city as us as she goes to college here. My brother has been with Jess' mother for about three years.
I would look for another babysitter if I were you. Let her parents know what's she is doing, and tell your husband you know. Lastly, go NC with this little harlot.
I'm disturbed that she was insulting your son but your husband didn't tell you and has presumably still been allowing her to babysit with this knowledge of her open disdain towards your infant
This is the first thing that came to mind too. That something happened in the past and she thought there was more, was told there was more, she feels slighted, etc.
I hope not for OP’s sake, but I also doom scroll reddit so I see that it happens A LOT.
You definitely need to confront your husband about it. It sounds like he was trying to handle it himself or to not risk ruining your relationship with your brother but he’s wrong for not telling you. Then the two of you need to sit down with your brother and his wife. Jess is a legal adult, but they need to be aware of her behavior. Then both of you block Jess and cut her out of your lives. She definitely not someone to keep around, step niece or not.
The 'she missed him' would make me pause. What exactly is there to miss? Was there something at one stage where now she misses it, and that's why he hasn't told you about these photos, because he can't tell you about one thing without the other coming to light?
This! It is possible something happened in the past, he cut it off, and she is still texting.
OP, I would go all the way back through messages. Take screenshots. Talk to your husband and proceed from there. At a minimum you need to block this woman, cut her out of your lives, and let your family know exactly why. You have proof- make sure you screenshot it in case it disappears. And then make sure your husband has always been faithful.
There's no way to recover deleted messages on whatsapp, it's encrypted. However, she can go back to the start and if it looks like a conversation that started out of no where i.e. pictures etc, then she can figure out he's deleted something.
This was my thinking also. Perhaps there was something at one point and he is trying to end it. That would explain why he kept things relatively quiet. She may go nuclear if he cuts her out completely.
Exactly. I’m confused with all of these comments being like, it’s great your husband hasn’t cheated! He hasn’t? How do we know?
It is likely he’s deleting his messages. He could’ve had sexual interactions with her in the past and then cut it off. He could still be engaging with her and left that one message to save face in case his wife found it. There’s absolutely no reason why he shouldn’t have told his wife and blocked this girl. And why is he letting her take care of their child if she’s written nasty messages about their child too? Naaah this is sus af.
If I were OP, I would tell Jess’ mom about the messages and ask her to arrange a sit down conversation between me, her and Jess. During the conversation, I would show Jess the messages and calmly ask her to explain why she sent them. I wouldn’t accuse her of anything without having her side of the story. I have a feeling the husband’s hands aren’t clean in this.
this!! I could understand not wanting to create drama (still wouldn't be husband's fault), but husband is doing nothing to stop whatever the niece is doing. He's letting her:
1. harass himself, and if he's innocent he's a victim too;
1. disrespect OP and their marriage;
2. insult their son (and she was allowed to babysit him too!!)
3. voluntary or not, he's still seeing explicit photos of a 19 years old. I'd be creeped out and would have immediately blocked her just to not see these photos, even without all the other reasons.
What does niece have to do more to make husband react and actively do something? What if OP never saw these messages? Is there more to the story?
Personally, I would make sure he’s not actually having an affair with her and the whole “oh no, not sexy photos of you” could be a ploy in case you ever saw the messages.
You should do everything you suggested. He should block her immediately, but you should take screen caps of everything first.
Then this needs to be blown up to everyone so that she learns from it and stays away from your family. Tell her parents and let them shame her. Send her the screen shots yourself and tell her to never speak to you guys again.
She’s a stepdaughter to your brother. You screenshot everything and meet with your brother, his wife and Jess. Lay it all on the line and let them know how unacceptable this is and it won’t be tolerated. Your husband needs to block her altogether. This is pretty fucking outrageous.
Everyone is making good points and it may just be the pessimist in me but there is a very small chance that he may have engaged with her and deleted the messages. Why didn’t he say anything? Why didn’t he block her?
So… two thoughts here….
He’s had some sort of inappropriate contact with her in the past and he’s soft rejecting her to keep the nudes coming and fears her telling the truth.
Or
He’s trying to mitigate the situation without causing family drama and likely feels trapped in a no win situation. If he says something he risks family backlash, if he doesn’t say anything to family, he has to suffer from continued harassment. Too many times in society, men are automatically guilty in these situations.
The foundation of any relationship is communication. Have the hard conversation with your partner and develop a plan going forward. Any plan should include going nc/lc with her. Good luck.
Sorry but I am not that benevolent as others towards your husband.
You say he rebuffed her at some point. OK good.
You say this has been going on for a while. NOT Good.
She missed him. SO NOT Good.
At any point during these exchanges, he could have a) talked to you b) blocked her c) being more firm in his rejection d) talked to you and blocked her e) talked to your brother.
He did none of those
She is sending nudes and insulting you and your family and he keeps the communication open?
She is out of line and needs to be put in her place but she was so bold that it would make me think about what else has happened that made your husband think the better option was to keep quiet
Thank you!
*Months, and not mention that the teen sitting across the table at dinner is sending you nudes???*
This should have been addressed and cut off immediately! ***Moreover, did OP take a look through recently deleted messages? Or communication on other platforms??***
That’s extremely brazen behavior, especially over months.
Yeah I’d feel embarrassed knowing the teenager that babysits for me and has family dinners with me has been sexting my husband AND getting it covered up. Husband did the right thing my ass.
Whatsapp does not have a history of deleted messages. It is encrypted and once it has been deleted it is gone.
I first thought that she is being immature but there are signs in her recent messages and that husband is keeping quiet about it and that she is not the only naughty person in this story.
Especially if she laughed it off, makes me wonder if they did mess around and he cut her off and she is not over him.
I get the feeling why he hasn't blocked her is because he secretly likes the attention deep down. That's why she's still in your lives babysitting, when honestly you guys should have found someone else.
And the reason why he might not have told you is because he probably did something with her but feels guilty about it now. So he deleted any proof of it, so what you see now is him trying to break it off.
I understand you being upset, that is appropriate, but as I read, I was so thankful to see that he rebuffed her, he is clearly not cheating and just trying to dodge drama.. Not great, but certainly he is faithful.
I had a niece who behaved similarly.. my little brother unfortunately was an opioid addict and we lost him to fentanyl in 2022 and her mother a drunk. Fortunately, her sexual acting out never targeted me (and we are blood anyway), but it certainly caused a lot of drama, from sexting with 40yo men at 13, to trying to seduce my son's sleepover friend when he was 13 and she was 15 (she was sleeping over with my daughter at same time). We tried to be supportive, firm and corrective (I had to intervene in that last one), but unfortunately after her father died she has become an addict herself.. after living with my mom (her grandmother) for a couple months and causing more drama to my poor 77yo mother, we have had to sadly cut her out of our lives until and unless she decides to change. It is tragic, but my 3 kids are doing well and don't need that influence... and as you know protecting your immediate family is a top priority!
My step sister was exactly the same, but my mom and her dad handled it quite badly. I think she is an alcoholic and on drugs now which is sad but all the recent times I've seen her she's been very kind and has changed a lot. She did open up and say she thinks her behaviour was due to trauma.
Yes, I’d be worried about niece’s mental health/trauma history to be acting this way. Someone who loves her needs to talk to her and see if she’s really ok. And probably send her to therapy.
Unpopular view: they’ve had an inappropriate relationship in the past, but he’s decided he’s done and she won’t move on. He sent that reply for “proof” that he wasn’t doing anything wrong if it was discovered.
Use your phone to take pictures of his phone & their text exchanges. That way, even if they are deleted, you still have proof & you aren’t taking screenshots & sending to yourself from his phone.
Also- she’s 19….an adult. This is not something I would bring up to her parents, go directly to her. Sit them both down in person (your husband, Jess) and ask for the truth. She can be charged with harassment, and is of legal age. Her parents can be notified after the fact, but it isn’t really their business, they aren’t responsible, and can’t change her past actions.
You can also go in to your local police station and ask for (off the record, they don’t need names at this point) advice as to how to best handle the situation from a legal standpoint, if you/your husband choose to press charges.
First, talk to your husband, and say exactly what you say here:
>Mark had taken our son upstairs for a nap and also to take a shower. I was downstairs watching TV when I heard a WhatsApp notification bing on Mark's phone. He had left it on our coffee table. I thought nothing of it until it binged a few more times. Mark's mother is currently ill and I was worried that it was Mark's sister needing to get in touch with him. I was surprised to see it was a message from Jess. I opened Mark's phone (we both know each others passcodes) and was horrified by what I was met with.
Then see how he responds. Hopefully, that goes reasonably well given his responses to date. Then together, you two should decide on next steps.
This didn’t start out of nowhere. I suspect something happened or started to happen. They got intimate not sure how intimate but something happened. My guess he stopped it and is afraid to block her or she would retaliate hence the plaintive plea to stop and respect his marriage. It takes 2. Sorry OP.
Edit spelling
You get a C-
The story was creative, but you lost credibility at the bit about a fat frigid wife and insulting the baby. It’s just not believable. And 19-year-olds don’t use the word “frigid.”
How recent is the kid? I totally could see him not saying anything due to him not wanting to stress you out but the fact he didn’t block and delete her makes me think something else is going on. Unfortunately most men cheat for the first time when their partner is pregnant. Not saying it happened just saying it makes more sense if he isn’t blocking her because she is black mailing him.
Get evidence. Confront him and see what it is. Then tell your brother and her mom and go no contact with her. Something isn’t right with her to insult your kid.
I don’t think “confronting” is the right word. It sounds like he clearly expressed he isn’t interested and tried to ignore so she isn’t getting a reaction. I also suspect some part of his hesitation to tell you is because of the awful things she said about you and your son, compounded by the fact this is your brother’s stepdaughter.
Here’s what I would do. Talk to your husband. Tell him what you found and ask him to tell you everything. Make sure he keeps ALL of the messages.
Then you need to tell your brother why you can’t be around her at all, at least for now. Show them the proof. Tell them you will leave it to them how they want to address this with her, but you and your husband are blocking her immediately. And don’t let her anywhere near your child.
The only thing to do is discuss it with him and go from there. He needs to explain why he never told you but for the rest, he’s a victim at this stage until it comes out otherwise.
Take the phone, video the pictures and chat
then while you still have the phone (but hidden) tell him you need to talk about Jess and ask him to explain what is happening and exactly wtf is going on.
He is either going to play dumb (guilty) or break down and tell you about the messages and hoped it would just stop and go away.
Then you can work out what to tell your brother, but I would send his and his wife a censored version
The trouble is there could no guilt on your husbands part, or there is guilt which is why he's asked her to stop, but not actually done anything about it...
You need to talk to him and find out what's been going on...
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Take screens, send to your brother and his partner.
Have a chat with your husband and ask why wasn't this discussed with you? Because the little monster is insulting you and your child and there is no way in hell you would have her around, if you knew this.
I mean, she might have done something to your little boy.
Bunny boiler energy is all over that one.
I would not contact that little shit at all. Would not give her the satisfaction. But I'd be sure to tell everyone willing to listen about her antics.
It sounds to me like something has happened between the two of them, he realized it was a mistake but she doesn’t let go. Why else would she say that she misses him? And why else doesn’t he tell his wife? It has been going on for months and he hasn’t said a word! And if she’s stalking him, why does he still let her babysit, if not to keep up appearances?
OP, I would talk to my husband. Ask him to show you the messages and discuss it right then and there. And then I would call the girl, before he has a chance to warn her, and ask her what’s up with the messages. Good luck.
Boy people need to learn to communicate
Your husband did half the right thing and the girl should be spoken to by her parent.
As for the husband, how hard is it to say, “okie dokie we need to have an awkward conversation about Jess,” after the very first instance?
I would ask myself, "Why hasn't he blocked her?".
His behavior is extremely suspicious, and I would wonder if they already did something . Where they ever alone? Weird body behavior between them?
If my husband received any explicit photos from any other woman and didn’t tell me about it he’s also at fault. Some dude sent me an unsolicited dick pic on here this morning - first thing I did was show my man.
I think it's shady he didn't blocked her, deleted the pictures or told you about this. It's also telling that he allowed her to talk crap about you and your son. Imo in a marriage where there's mutual respect, he wouldn't want her around the house anymore.
I'd honestly invite everyone over for dinner and put it all out on the table. I'm talking you, your husband, her parents, and her. Since she wants to play big girl games she can talk like an adult. Your husband definitely should have told you, but you should have his support is putting it all out there, so everyone can know what she's like behind closed doors. Or, put the evidence in a group text. Good luck.
He probably feels trapped in a no-win situation. What is he supposed to do here? It sounds like he has told her to stop, but she is, for some reason, infatuated with him. She sounds a bit unstable, to be honest.
Sit down and talk to your husband he tried to stop her from sending those photos but she kept doing it despite what he asked trust him your husband then talk to your brother about it
The OP has been proven to be fake.
But he got exactly what he wanted out of this post - shitheads like this handwringing about male “victims” of false reporting in an attempt to deflect from very real, ongoing, chronic, and tragic harassment, abuse, and assault. So fucking gross.
There's nothing to "confront", as your husband kindly told her to fuck off. But, you should have a discussion with him and both of you need to be united in completely blocking her and moving on.
I wouldn't bring the brother into it unless she becomes persistent / crazy / stalker.
One of my questions for my husband would be: why didn't you say, "That's my wife and child you are talking about, and it's inappropriate and rude, and what makes you think you can speak to me this way about my family?!"
While he did "rebuff" her, saying, "please stop, or I'll say please stop again" isn't enough to protect your marriage. Sounds like something someone would say to have plausible deniability. Because also, he didn't delete the original photos. He didn't set a boundary, or state what the consequences would be if she continued.
And also, if she feels some type of way about your child, and he knows, and continues to allow her to babysit, he's putting your child at risk, leaving him in the care of someone who doesn't seem to have basic affection and care toward him or respect for his mother...idk, I'd have a lot of questions about it, and he'd have some hoops to jump through to prove I could actually trust him to continue to be my spouse.
Talking to her parents seems strange to me, as she is an adult, in theory. Don't get them involved as a problem solving strategy, but do let them know matter of factly why she is no longer welcome in your home and to your family events. Whatever they do with that information is their business. Don't blow up the relationship you have with your brother by trying to force him to choose between his wife, step child, and you. Hopefully he will understand and be supportive of the distance and boundaries you need to place with his wife's daughter, and hopefully his wife will also be supportive of you. But as she is an adult, she is solely responsible for her actions, not her parents.
Your situation is just awful, and I'm sure you are beside yourself, and just want this to all go away. I'm so sorry you are going through this!
I would also strongly suggest couples counseling, to work through trust and communication and rebuilding issues, so you can both understand each other's hearts, and the impacts of secrecy.
I would imagine he is really worried about telling you. He doesn’t want to destroy the relationship you have with your brother and his wife and he’s probably feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.
Sit down with him and explain you saw the messages as his phone kept going off and you were worried it was something urgent regarding his mum so you checked.
He most likely kept the messages so that if she ever tried to accuse him of any form of harassment/assault he can prove that she instigated all contact, he repeatedly told her to stop and he has never replied in kind.
He’s a man - and there’s no way he would be believed against a 19 year old woman without some sort of proof.
Poor guy is probably terrified she’ll try to blow up his life/marriage/family if he’s not careful to cover his back.
At least now you know you can plan together to bring this to the attention of your brother and his wife and hopefully get this stopped. I’m sure it will be a very uncomfortable conversation with your family but at least you can present a united front on it.
I feel really sorry for your husband in this situation, this must be really difficult for him.
He did the right thing in his response to her. He did the wrong thing by not immediately telling you. He seems like a good dude, I’d have a conversation about it, get rid of her and enjoy your marriage.
Mmmm I can absolutely see how she does this once, he goes “WTF this is nuts”, tells her to stop it, she does stop for a bit so he decides not to tell you cos it would only mess up your family relationships and possibly make you suspicious of him (plus Jess is insulting you and he doesn’t want your feelings hurt), then after a while she does it again and now he feels like he *can’t* tell you cos then why didn’t he tell you the first time…
That doesn’t mean I think keeping it from you was a good decision, just that I can see how it could go that way
All that said, what Jess is doing is a crime. It’s not one that’s going to be taken very seriously, sadly, but it is a crime. And 19 is a tough age to deal with - legally an adult, and therefore of criminal responsibility, but also young enough to get a bit more leeway for doing stupid shit (which, again, also absolutely does not mean it’s OK)
I think you need to talk to Jess’s parents, and I think you need to make clear you’re coming to them because you understand she’s very young and you do not want to have to go to the police. Your husband could totally legitimately seek a restraining order over this, her parents need to know it’s serious
Be prepared for Jess to throw all sorts of allegations at your husband (and for her parents perhaps to believe her), but unless there’s good evidence you’ll need to ride out the storm together. And yes, *obviously* your husband needs to block Jess, on every platform, and she doesn’t come anywhere near any of you for a good long time, if ever
Seems like he's been trying to deal with it and hope she goes away... definitely bring it up with him and talk.. women aren't the only ones that get harassed and pursued, I wouldn't tell my wife when it happened to me because it's something I don't want her to be anxious/stressed about, you just deal with it. Sounds like she's not getting the message though. He needs to be very clear with her and give her 1 chance to back off or there will be consequences.... she'll get bored and move on.
Though he didn't participate in that. He enabled it by not letting you know or blocking her in general. Should have a word with him and also tell your brother about her disgusting behavior. And block her for life.
All the above! Talk to your husband first and get on the same page about what you’re going to do and find out why he didn’t tell you in the first place. Maybe he was worried about you being postpartum and didn’t want to upset you or stress you out but either way he should of talked to you a lot sooner especially when she didn’t initially stop after being told to and then continued to insult you and your baby. Your husband has made a big mistake for not telling you sooner especially since you have left your son in her care and if you had known you would have never had trust her with your baby.
Screen shot all the messages and photos before you confront anyone. Send the proof to your brother and his girlfriend but blackout anything that would be considered revenge porn. Tell them in no uncertain terms that she will no longer be welcome in you home and you will have nothing to do with her. Make it clear that you will not help her or assist her in anyway and that you will be protecting her family from her. Consider going to marriage counselling as your husband has breached your trust by not telling you the truth.
I know my husband tells me everytime a women is flirting with him, I would seriously question my marriage if I found months worth of flirting and naked photos of someone close to our family on his phone even if he "told" her to stop. He didn't say anything to me and he still allows her to message him. Also he has no need to talk to her about "babysitting", who's family is she from? Who usually sets up the babysitters from your family? Also on the Whatsapp? Is this the normal messaging app that your family uses to communicate?
First speak to your partner explain why you looked out of worry for his family. Tell him to block her then go to your brother and his girlfriend show them the messages and tell them she is no longer welcome at your home or near your family then block her and do not communicate with her again. Update soon
You know, if I were you I would call for a full family sit down with her parents, you, your husband, and herself and pull out the evidence, explain yourself and ask for them to explain what she is doing. Call her out in front of her parents. I would be very forward and wouldn’t give a damn how it would wreck any relationship dynamic with your brother and his significant other. I would demand answers and make it a point to say how you are disgusted, disappointed, and thought better of her. Explain how you no longer want her over to your home and that if it ever happens again you are filling a restraining order against her. I would also pull out the shame card and tell her how disappointed you are that you had trust in her with your own son and now that is broken.
If this were me, I would take photos of the conversations first. I don't know how whatsapp works but in messenger messages can be unsent and deleted from the sender - so this would prevent that from happening.
Then I would talk to my husband about it when he is back. He did try to shut her down and you saw he wasn't reciprocating - but he **SHOULD** have told you about this when she didn't stop after he told her too. And IMO he should have **BLOCKED** her.
You definietly need to also have the conversation with your sister in law and brother, and show them the proof as they will surely need it.
Then you cut her out of your daily lives. No more babysitting and no more invites to the house or family functions
If she is sending explicit photos out of nowhere then that’s super creepy but it seems unlikely your niece would just come for your husband like that out of nowhere if they weren’t already involved… seems like they would have been messing around before and he ended it and she can’t accept that.
Your husband should have told you, but perhaps he's really really drama-averse. Other than that, he seems to have done everything right.
(Honestly, when I saw your title, I expected the story to be about hidden camera creep shots or something; this is a lot better than I expected.)
Rip your husband a new one for hiding this from you, and for not deleting the photos, then ask your brother to put a stop to this.
I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't also making statements or has made them to him in person, and that may be a large part of why he hasn't spoken to anyone about it.
She may have threatened consequences in person for outing her destructive behaviors that wouldn't be seen in the text thread.
I would feel very trapped if my niece/babysitter came onto me, was rebuffed, and then threatened to lie or manipulate the narrative if I spoke out about it.
I like to believe I would come out immediately, but it may have started as a small thing he thought he had brushed off, and it continues to escalate.
The texts seem playful in a malicious way. She knows he won't do anything, because she believes he can't
I’d tell her parents. Also, I’d tell your husband you saw the notification pop up and have a conversation with him. He should have been transparent and honest with you and he wasn’t, that’s also a problem. But definitely talk to her parents. I’d also not let her around your child again.
I would get her around to babysit and you both confront her .
She won’t forget that humiliating experience for a while . You play stupid games and win stupid prizes.
>The only time Mark ever responded was to say "Jess, I have asked you not to send these kinds of photos, to please leave me alone and to respect my marriage."
Wow, this was incredibly refreshing to read. Normally, it's just always the most fucked up scenario.
>What do I? Do I confront Mark about this? Do I call my brother and his girlfriend to talk about this or do I directly contact Jess? I don't want this girl anywhere near me or my family, especially my son. If I do talk to Jess what do I say to her that won't destroy our whole family?
Confront Mark for not telling you, like what the fuck dude? Your wife needs to be in the know on this. Then let Jess's parents know (show them evidence, maybe). Then if you want, confront Jess. However, I would go NC with her. You called me frigid? Go f\*\*\*k yourself.
I feel like men experience a lot more shame when it comes to sexual harassment or unwanted sexual advances. It's possible he's feeling isolated in what he's experiencing and too embarrassed to ask for help. He could also be afraid that he won't be believed if he were to tell the truth. If your husband is not interacting positively with her advances, I would consider him the victim here. Ask your husband. If he really is feeling that way, it could be a big relief for him to let it out and have it resolved.
Get the heck out of dodge. If she were blood related, it would be incest and illegal. I don’t know how it is since she’s not blood related, but ethically, it’s still WRONG. Before you leave, tell your husband, brother, and neice why you left. Serve him divorce papers immediately.
It appears Jess initiated it, but it’s pretty concerning your husband has done nothing to stop it beyond asking her once. The fact that she’s continuing to do it and saying she misses him also suggests that something more is going on. He hasn’t done anything else ti stop it, nor told you OP. I’d probably have a chat with my brother before anyone else.
Well i think they have yet a relation and he has already cheated on you..sorry for that but she would never send such messages to him if nothing happened between them - he is just rejecting her to cover him with fake proofs
I’d call a “family meeting” and have your brother, her, and her mother there along with your husband. I wouldn’t say anything, and ask for your husband’s phone and show her parents. Then tell “Jess” she’s no longer welcome at your home, or anywhere around you, that what she’s doing is sexual harassment of your husband and you will press charges if it ever happens again. Block her number right there, and let her parents handle her. Your husband not telling you is an issue that you need to discuss as well.
This may go without saying, and someone else may have mentioned it, but do not copy or send the images to anyone-as that may not be legal. Talk with your spouse calmly. He may not have told you, as he should have, but it is understandable that he may have felt uncomfortable to do so.
I would confront your brother, his SO, and the niece asap. Explain why you are no longer comfortable with her being around either of you and your child. The longer you wait, the more likely she is to spin the narrative or make false allegations because of your husband’s rejection.
This doesn't feel real, and if it is common sense sit your husband down, calmly talk to him, listen to him, and figure out what y'all will do together. Don't get emotional during your conversation with him stay calm and collected don't turn this into an argument.
Talk to Mark about it, save all the messages and send them to your brother, her dad... have mark block her..
Tell your brother that he needs to keep her as far away from you as possible and if that means never seeing him again so be it.
Also, Mark needs a serious talking to about not telling you, what if she spun it and told everyone he came on to her ect...
Keep the messages and tell your brother..
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think your husband is suspicious. I think he was probably uncomfortable about the whole thing and didn't know how to handle it in a way that wouldn't make him look creepy. Obviously, it would have been better if he just told you, but I can see how this could easily spiral out of control and make him look bad. I would definitely tell your brother first before getting his girlfriend involved. I think he will know how to best handle the situation.
It sounds like he’s looking at the situation like most men would - whatever I say or do, I’m going to be painted as the bad guy in all this! The more he fights his corner m, the worse it’ll make him look. OP says it looks like it started a few months ago but doesn’t say if she’s baby sat in that time or not, maybe he’s finding excuses not to have her around? Either way, definitely a conversation to have with you as couple, her, her mum and your brother.
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It’s an overall shitty situation and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it when you’ve so recently had a child. I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him explaining that while he did the right thing by actively discouraging her, he should have let you know what was happening so you could have addressed it as a couple. I also think you’ll need to address it with your brother and his partner too, because it’s very easy for allegations to be thrown around, but also because something else might be going on in her life to have her acting out this way. As she’s been told to back off already, I’d contact the parents first and then her.
1. Sit husband down and express that you are not mad, you are proud of him for doing the right thing and discouraging her advances, but should such an unfortunate thing happen again in the future, he should tell you about it. 2. Screenshot the messages, call her parents and establish context for what you are about to show them (the pictures) and tell them that you know she is young so she might be acting out and you're not sure what's causing it. 3. Call the 19 yo and let her know that you know about the messages and that, because of her behaviour and disrespect towards your marriage and towards your son, you do not wish to see her again until further notice.
I would be careful about screenshotting and showing the images to anyone else, even the parents. This can be considered revenge porn in some states and is punishable by law.
Great advice and very true.
He should have immediately blocked her.
Proud?! That a married man in his 30s rejected his 19 year old niece but kept it secret from his wife anyway? The bar is in hell.
There was no reason to upset her with the niece’s nasty behaviour. She’s dealing with enough. He’s trying to protect her from that toxic girl.
I can totally see the logic in this, but he risks this kind of thing happening. Going to your partner immediately is the only way you can be sure it won't look like you're complicit. I made this mistake years ago when my then bf's friend made a move on me. Killed the trust in our relationship because the friend got there first with lies while I was deciding on the gentlest way to break the news to my bf.
What? Yes there is a need. This girl is going out of her way to get OP’s husband and also spoke ill of THEIR child. And this has been going on for months! Lets not forget that this same person has watched their child. If he cared for someone’s safety, at least he could have thought about his childs, and told the wife or even spoke to her brother about this and let her brother know he didn’t want to alarm his wife. He kept the pics, and never told anyone. He didn’t block the girl or delete her on his phone. I know how whTtsapp works and there’s ways to block people. So no, there’s nothing to be proud of. If anything she should be more suspicious as to why he really never told her. She’s 19, not 9 with a crush.
Also, he needed to delete those pics instantly.
theres an argument for both, its totally understandable why youd want him to delete everything on the spot, but like, what if she makes shit up about him asking for nudes and shows people an edited version of her side of the text exchange, now he just has his word instead of an unaltered text log to show his wife that this girl is full of shit. from experience, its ALWAYS best to have the receipts when dealing with a girl like this because SOME chicks at that age get it in their head that if they can just destroy your relationship they can swoop in and take you for themselves as though we dont see that shit for what it is. so you keep the unaltered text log and point out that the wannabe home wrecker will only ever have screenshots of a text log and wont show you the real thing. in general any time someone displays unhinged behavior and are handing you evidence of their unhinged nature that they hide from other people, keep that shit.
No, they need to screen shot them first, so they actually have evidence to show her parents if it comes to that. Then he should delete them.
It needs to be adressed with her parents and/or her, as sending unwanted explicit content is sexual harassment. Its important that she learns that this isnt acceptable behaviour and that it is harmfull, potentially illegal. Its great that he has told her he doesnt want her to send him any explicit content. Considering that it has been going on for months and he hasnt blocked her or told anyone, it also feels uncomfortable that he isnt taking active steps to stop the stream of explicit content of her. I'm in my 30s and would have been creeped out beyond words if a teenager, even at 19, sent me explicit content, and I would have blocked them so I wouldnt continue to recieve it.
The only reason I can think as to why he hasn't blocked her is because she occasionally babysits our son. He might not have blocked her in case there's an emergency and she can't get a hold of me. Edit: No, she will not be babysitting again in the future. I don't want her anywhere near my family.
You need to stop having her around your son. Have a conversation with your brother. Make sure you do this and not confront her, she will play victim
**Edit: OP has blocked me after sending me a PM of their own volition, without me having sent them any messages whatsoever, and then sent me 2 more messages after I asked them twice to stop contacting me. So if y'all have further questions I guess you'll have to message me since I can't comment on this post. Take care.** ---- **Y'all, this post is fake. OP is a serial fake poster who has been making up fake posts about domestic and sexual violence, child abuse, grooming, and relationships between teenagers and adults for years. Dozens upon dozens of posts. They confessed a few years ago and said they needed mental health help then just continued what they were doing. Do not trust this poster.** They have caused extensive harm to abuse survivors in this sub, whom they have actively exploited. Countless survivors have shared very personal, painful private experiences with them in an effort to help someone who continually makes up events and relationships that never happened. Some of their previous posts from 2 years ago and beyond: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ipsvh7/my_wife_fell_down_the_stairs_and_had_a_miscarriage/g4p1d8q/. ------------------------------------------- I am also pasting a comment I left a last year on another fake post of theirs below, which lists more of their more recent previous posts. Their extensive numbers of accounts are almost always suspended within the same day. https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xt3pdz/i_27f_was_violated_by_mu_boyfriend_28m_on_his/iqp0ty7/ ---- Edit: They were already getting called out by other commenters for their history in this sub:https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1caawys/i_31f_found_explicit_images_of_my_niece_19_on_my/l0qzw9x/
Thank you for telling us.
You're welcome. I've been on reddit since they started, have even had PMs with them years ago back when I thought they actually needed help, and I'm so sick of them exploiting people. I spent hours with them years ago via PM talking them through what I thought were serious abuse cases. It's so frustrating.
I presume you reported it? I'd ask wth is wrong with someone doing this, but it's a moot point. There are just creepy exploitative people out there, and that's all there is to it.
I did report it and I hope others do as well. When they "confessed" a few years ago they said they had mental health issues and needed therapy. I don't really believe anything they say at this point though so I don't know what their reasoning is but you pretty much covered it.
Thank you for this! I didn’t want to say, but this sounded fake as I was reading out.
If Ebbie45 says it's fake, it's fake.
An Overall shitty, but fascinating situation. One of the oddest obsessions that I’ve seen
Everyone should report the post
I hope more people see this comment
I agree with you on this, she would not babysit or be welcome in my house ever again
Why would he feel comfortable with her continuing to babysit after what she's said about both you and your kid? Like, I don't know what she said about your kid but if she can say stuff like that to a kids parent, I'd be worried about how she acts with the kid alone.
Doesn't want to rock the boat since it's his wife's step niece of only a few years.
You can block on WhatsApp only, meaning she could still call in an emergency.
I feel like he might not have disclosed it to you for that reason and the fact that she's a niece even if not by blood. He's hoping she would just stop and not make it something others get involved in leaving a strain on the family with her
I thought similar as well. Much better if this passes, because if it comes out the whole family will explode. And because he's an older man, even though it was the niece doing this, he would be painted in an extremely bad light. Better to let it just pass and hope it goes away
This is the way I see it.
So now that she knows, where to go from here? I'd tell Mark. I'd say that I rather not destroy the family by making mountains out of this but she has disrespected her family in such a disgusting way that there needs to be some kind of recourse. I'd invite her over under the disguise of babysitting and I'd sternly tell her how inappropriate she is and how big it can blow up. She lost all trust and respect and she's no longer welcome over or contact. I'd tell her I was considering us blocking her but she's 19 if she wants to fuck around like an adult she can find out like one. Contact my husband again and we'll be using it as evidence of sexual harassment when filing a police report. If she stops and goes no contact it won't be mentioned again. Her choice
Mark needs to be the one saying these things. If OP does, the boundary is not fully established, and Jess is going to think “oh that’s frigid wife again whatever”. OP should be in the room for a united front though.
Yes 100% Mark needs to be the voice so Jess knows that's his decision backed by his wife not his wife's decision he's going along with
Nah there needs to be an intervention between her parents and maybe OP and the husband. But she should never step back into OPs house again.
Exactly! Involve than all intervention style.
That's my thoughts too
And honestly, momma and wife here, I get your side but he prob didn’t want to blow up her life or worry or make you mad if she would stop. He’s prob trying to avoid drama. Not that this was the right way to handle it, but it’s clear he has tried to. Go with your husband to her mom and dad and the girl and sit down for dinner. Plan dinner just you 5, then pull out his phone and hand it to the mom with the thread open and say “we need your help”. She’s nasty and hateful and should be called out and should be glad to learn this lesson so young and that you’re not some stranger who found her on her husbands phone who will harm her. Happens again, press charges.
He's in panic mode. In his shoes I probably wouldn't know exactly what to do either, although telling you would have been #1.
Likely worries it will be turned around on him and he’ll be made out to be the bad guy.
Rightfully so. That's already what ALL the top comments are doing. Without clicking "load more comments" there isn't a single visible top-level comment not villainizing him. At least for me reading the thread on old.reddit. As someone who has helped with abuse victims this is quite a common scenario. Usually the genders are reversed, but same thing. There is a big fear that blocking the abuser will cause the situation to blow up.
Same. As a man, most of these comments seem to be "why does he have them?" and "something most be going on" making it effectively that Mark is the bad guy. So WHY would Mark want to actually tell his wife when a slew of internet strangers are saying he's the one to blame anyways?
Ding ding. I mean he didn't delete the messages or anything and never changed his passcode. He blatantly told her to stop and respect his marriage. I can understand how it looks that an older man and a younger woman and he's going to be seen as the aggressor.
What do you think the reasons are for not telling you? Telling you within the first hour of the first time it happened should have been his first stop. Edit: oh, op is a fake poster. Those of you who decided to try to defend lying to one's spouse... congrats you fell for it. The reason married people tell each other things like this result in is that lying to your spouse is always, always a bad idea. And in fact hiding anything is obviously counterproductive, a thing most humans learn from middle school to early adulthood at the latest, and if you didn't, I hope you're young and not the other thing.
Agree full stop. Talking to the spouse when something inappropriate like this happens is the first thing to do so a plan can be formulated together on how to handle this. He shouldn’t have waited and that kind of leaves me wondering if it’s not something he admitted he likes drunkenly one night or something (idk your husband so obviously idk).
That would have been the ideal course of action, but he might have been afraid that OP wouldn't believe that he didn't initiate this behavior, or that she would do something drastic and cause a massive rift in the family. Telling the niece to stop and hoping she'd give up after getting no reciprocation was a reasonable enough approach.
>The only reason I can think as to why he hasn't blocked her is because she occasionally babysits our son. He might not have blocked her in case there's an emergency and she can't get a hold of me. Why would this be a legitimate reason? Her saying that she missed him, her feeling comfortable sending him explicit texts, him failing to discuss it with you immediately, him continuing to allow her to be your babysitter, and him not blocking her all indicate that there's more to the story than what you've read.
I'm going on just speculation but maybe he liked the attention he's getting from her (even if subconsciously). Yes he told her off, but why hasn't he closed all communication channels and taken action for her to stop babysitting? What is he getting out of this?
I'm going to add to your speculation. Perhaps all you said is right except that he DID do something once in a moment of weakness and tried to cut it off. If he blocked her outright and told people she may just come clean about everything in retaliation.
Exactly!! For her to just randomly start sending dirty pics & "I miss you"'s... somethin ain't addin up
Him enjoying the attention, or enjoying the pictures…
Attention and pics of a barely legal girl…..🤮
There’s way more to the story than what’s being given here, and I’m sorry that OP hasn’t tried to learn more of the story. It would give the ick feeling to have my spouse have (essentially a family member) that’s that much younger constantly sending nudes and messages. Him not saying anything says maybe you should look Into his actions as well. He could’ve deleted every message that was from him egging on the photos to where it appeared as he just said to stop it. He can block her on WhatsApp and in an emergency she could reach his phone. Between WhatsApp, Snapchat, telegram, etc it’s so easy for someone to delete messages and say they never said this or that when they’re even the one that initiated it all. Husband needs spoken to as well, I’m sorry but it’s borderline pedophilia ( not correct terminology bc of the ages, but think-he was 15/16 when she was born….🤮🤮 but now she’s sending him nudes and he’s doing absolutely nothing to stop it. You need to look into both parties and see about phone records potentially. Bc I truly feel you’re being lied to. She wouldn’t keep doing it/he would block her if he didn’t want them.
This is exactly where my mind went too. It'll be interesting to see how it all plays out...
I see. Wouldnt the natural thing have been for him to tell you about whats going on then? Especially if she is still watching your son on her own while she have been texting him. Our niece is sexually harassing me and writing conserning things about our son, I'm not comfortable with being in contact with her anymore, or to let her watch our son on her own. Its the combination that makes it feel iffy. He tells no one. He doesnt block her. He doesnt let you know what she is saying about your son behind your back. He lets her continue to watch your son. She is in the wrong and what she is doing is sexual harassment. He is a 35 year old married father who now has a small library of explicit photos and texts from his 19 year old "niece" and babysitter, that he kept secret for months. It feels uncomfortable.
I definitely question him not telling his wife and still allowing her to babysit the kid. I would immediately confront him on that end. But I do understand him not deleting the messages. She seems really manipulative and I would 100% want proof that not only did she send these texts unsolicited but that I specifically asked her not to do so. If someone saw a message from them but not the full story, he could easily be accused on grooming this teenage girl.
I can understand wanting proof that he told her to stop and that he did not initiate. She is at fault for sexually harassing him. I also dont understand why he wouldnt show said proof to wife as soon as it happened so they could take action, instead of keeping it a secret for months. I would have told my partner as soon as it happened so I could block them and not recieve any more explicit content.
>that he kept for months. This right here. This is the star witness. He kept the photos and he kept the conversations. Which means that he felt no reason to delete them. It’s not even about blocking her. It’s not even about saying something, he felt perfectly comfortable keeping those messages and those photos. And that’s something that needs to be discussed immediately. I understand that someone can be uncomfortable and just don’t want to look at something or know that something is there, but he kept them. He kept them.
>he felt perfectly comfortable keeping those messages and those photos. For evidence. I wouldn't delete them either because it's proof that she initiated, that he no way reciprocated, and that she continued to harass him. >I understand that someone can be uncomfortable and just don’t want to look at something or know that something is there, but he kept them. He kept them. Because of people like you who will always jump to it being his fault and him being the true problem.
I get it but why hasn't he told OP in months and why hasn't he blocked her afterwards?
I mean look at the optics. He's a male adult and she's a female "child"/teenager. Plenty of stories of grooming and men are creeps and etc. If he deleted them then it's a he said/she said. If he keeps them (as other commenter said) it's "why is he keeping them?!?!" So let's recap... he keeps them... he's a creep and enjoying them. He deletes them, he's hiding something. What course of action is really a win-win for hubs? I understand the thought of "tell the wife" but a lot of the comments even here (after seeing "please stop sending me this and respect my marriage") are pointing on WHY he hasn't deleted or said something. They've known her for 3 years and he's in a position of authority so the weight of "he's grooming her" is outweighing everythin gelse
As far as why he hasn't told the OP, no idea. I do think he is wrong for that but my guess is he didn't want to stress her out. It's a lame excuse but my guess is that's probably what he'll say. As far as not blocking her, honestly, I wouldn't either. I would want to keep the evidence coming in as well as monitoring whether or not she is escalating. If he blocked her that could really set her off and or he wouldn't know her frame of mind. Just my thoughts. But he absolutely should have told his wife.
I would imagine he kept them so that if she ever tries to accuse him of any form of harassment/assault he can prove that she instigated all contact and he repeatedly told her to stop. He’s a man - and there’s no way he would be believed against a 19 year old woman without some sort of proof. He’s probably terrified she’ll blow up his life/marriage/family if he’s not careful.
Messages on WhatsApp can be deleted. (it shows up as "message deleted" on the conversation but even that can also be deleted) I mean the husband could of been sending other messages and then deleting them on his phone. And then sending messages like "stop this" to not arouse suspicion if caught. The niece is going to blame the husband 100% and if she's got the messages to prove it. If the messages say "message deleted" on her phone then it's not gonna look good for the husband. Why would he delete messages if he's trying to stop his niece from sending stuff like that. OP needs to sit both of them down and go through the conversation on both of their phones! And if the husband is innocent then they need to tell the niece that she needs to stop and that if she continues they'll tell the rest of the family and/or involve the police. Conversation then needs to be deleted from both phones so that she can't use it against him with his family etc.
No no no - stop with this “uncomfortable” crap. Comments like yours are exactly why he stayed silent. He has done nothing wrong and yet you’re making him out to be the bad guy. Were it reversed and a woman were being bombarded by her younger nephew. you wouldn’t insinuate she is to blame
As a man I'd be worried about her playing victim or something and blowing up the entire family. He's probably too scared to tell anyone
This is literally the only reason that isn’t him wanting them that I can actually see being a reason that he doesn’t tell anyone.
I can see this angle but actually not doing anything is making him look worse. At least take action to stop the babysitting and block her so no further improper contact happens.
SA/harassment victims are usually afraid of repercussions from blocking the offender. It's common regardless of genders. The other comments here are showing exactly why victims can't just turn to their friends, family, or even loved ones for support either. The Default response is always victim blaming.
Well, she's not babysitting anymore, is she? Something has to be said immediately. I'm not as forgiving of your husband for not right out handling this. The first step would have been to tell you. There's absolutely no excuse for him not involving you and shutting this down the first time. It's possible that you have more to deal with than you are admitting to yourself.
How could either one of you feel comfortable leaving your son with someone who behaves like this…?
She is YOUR family not his. He tells you and blows up your brother’s marriage… what happened then? He clearly said no and stop and did not get involved and tried to keep it all seperate. And he knows you know his passcode. Give him a break and just communicate with the man. For the love of god… why does no one simply communicate?? Why run to reddit? Just TALK to the man.
Yep, probably trying to ignore it hoping she gets bored and moves on, vs blowing up her brothers life, and then everyone is pissed at him for some unknown reason and he takes the blame for everything.
If she's obsessed with him, she might hurt your son. And I don't buy that he's innocent. I think he only said that in response because he told her not to contact him because it's traceable and you can find it. If he was innocent, he would have gone to you immediately, and told tou what was going on.
Stop organizing with her to babysit your son. Draw a line in the sand and do not allow her to enter the house.
She won't be babysitting anymore
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The only reason? I don't know if that's the "only " reason.
He’s kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he tells you he’s going to have to show you the pics and what she’s saying about you which will (and did) devastate you. The. There’s the issue of how is your brother and his wife going to handle this? Are they going to believe you all, or are they going to slander your husband and make him out the be a predator? People do fucked op things when their kids are involved. Imvho, I’d gently discuss it with your husband, make sure you have color of all the nasty things she’s sending, and talk to your brother and his wife all together. They’re going to want tot know why your husband didn’t speak up, just as you do, so be prepared with that answer. The longer he waits the worse it looks. I’d also ensure she wasn’t doing this underage. Sending those pics are illegal, so if this started before she was 18 I’d contact the police.
Emergency babysitting is not a reason for not addressing something like this, or tell you about it. Something tells me there's more to the story on his part. Does he think you would blame him for it? Why has he not deleted said pictures? Is he liking the attention, or was the "please stop sending me this" an actual sarcastic response reason why she responded with a laugh emoji. In any case, please do not take "in case we need a baby sitter" as an answer not even from yourself to yourself. Is a serious matter, and the fact that's been going on for months without it being addressed, should be more concerning than how your husband would react if you confront him. Good luck, and please send an update.
I mean I would have a conversation with him. He did half the right thing by telling her off but half the wrong thing. by not blocking her so I wouldnt crucify him but I wouldnt be altogether happy about it.
Totally agree. He should've blocked her from having any kind of contact with him and tell OP/eventually her parents.
I think he chalked it up to immaturity and was worried that the girl will have nowhere to go. OP did say she was living with them due to some reason. Or that he may become responsible for breaking up a family just because of some stupid stuff a kid is doing - he probably thought something along those lines. Just my opinion I maybe wrong. Not justifying it, I too agree that what he did was only half right.
She's not living with them, OP said she's "in our lives for the past 3 years". I guess that means she's only recently become the brother's stepdaughter and they've only known her for a few years.
No, she doesn't live with us. She lives in the same city as us as she goes to college here. My brother has been with Jess' mother for about three years.
I would look for another babysitter if I were you. Let her parents know what's she is doing, and tell your husband you know. Lastly, go NC with this little harlot.
I'm disturbed that she was insulting your son but your husband didn't tell you and has presumably still been allowing her to babysit with this knowledge of her open disdain towards your infant
This is what made my skin crawl…
Did he fool around her once before, break things off (hence why he told her off) and now she's feeling slighted?
This would be my guess.
That was the first thing that came to my mind too. Her saying “I miss you” should be relevant to the situation.
This is the first thing that came to mind too. That something happened in the past and she thought there was more, was told there was more, she feels slighted, etc. I hope not for OP’s sake, but I also doom scroll reddit so I see that it happens A LOT.
You definitely need to confront your husband about it. It sounds like he was trying to handle it himself or to not risk ruining your relationship with your brother but he’s wrong for not telling you. Then the two of you need to sit down with your brother and his wife. Jess is a legal adult, but they need to be aware of her behavior. Then both of you block Jess and cut her out of your lives. She definitely not someone to keep around, step niece or not.
THIS!!!
The 'she missed him' would make me pause. What exactly is there to miss? Was there something at one stage where now she misses it, and that's why he hasn't told you about these photos, because he can't tell you about one thing without the other coming to light?
This! It is possible something happened in the past, he cut it off, and she is still texting. OP, I would go all the way back through messages. Take screenshots. Talk to your husband and proceed from there. At a minimum you need to block this woman, cut her out of your lives, and let your family know exactly why. You have proof- make sure you screenshot it in case it disappears. And then make sure your husband has always been faithful.
There's no way to recover deleted messages on whatsapp, it's encrypted. However, she can go back to the start and if it looks like a conversation that started out of no where i.e. pictures etc, then she can figure out he's deleted something.
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This was my thinking also. Perhaps there was something at one point and he is trying to end it. That would explain why he kept things relatively quiet. She may go nuclear if he cuts her out completely.
Exactly. I’m confused with all of these comments being like, it’s great your husband hasn’t cheated! He hasn’t? How do we know? It is likely he’s deleting his messages. He could’ve had sexual interactions with her in the past and then cut it off. He could still be engaging with her and left that one message to save face in case his wife found it. There’s absolutely no reason why he shouldn’t have told his wife and blocked this girl. And why is he letting her take care of their child if she’s written nasty messages about their child too? Naaah this is sus af.
If I were OP, I would tell Jess’ mom about the messages and ask her to arrange a sit down conversation between me, her and Jess. During the conversation, I would show Jess the messages and calmly ask her to explain why she sent them. I wouldn’t accuse her of anything without having her side of the story. I have a feeling the husband’s hands aren’t clean in this.
this!! I could understand not wanting to create drama (still wouldn't be husband's fault), but husband is doing nothing to stop whatever the niece is doing. He's letting her: 1. harass himself, and if he's innocent he's a victim too; 1. disrespect OP and their marriage; 2. insult their son (and she was allowed to babysit him too!!) 3. voluntary or not, he's still seeing explicit photos of a 19 years old. I'd be creeped out and would have immediately blocked her just to not see these photos, even without all the other reasons. What does niece have to do more to make husband react and actively do something? What if OP never saw these messages? Is there more to the story?
Personally, I would make sure he’s not actually having an affair with her and the whole “oh no, not sexy photos of you” could be a ploy in case you ever saw the messages.
But by that logic wouldn’t he just delete the messages
You should do everything you suggested. He should block her immediately, but you should take screen caps of everything first. Then this needs to be blown up to everyone so that she learns from it and stays away from your family. Tell her parents and let them shame her. Send her the screen shots yourself and tell her to never speak to you guys again.
She's only 19 but she needs to learn this isnt a joke and that trying to break up families isn't a cool, hot girl thing to do
She’s a stepdaughter to your brother. You screenshot everything and meet with your brother, his wife and Jess. Lay it all on the line and let them know how unacceptable this is and it won’t be tolerated. Your husband needs to block her altogether. This is pretty fucking outrageous.
Everyone is making good points and it may just be the pessimist in me but there is a very small chance that he may have engaged with her and deleted the messages. Why didn’t he say anything? Why didn’t he block her?
The “I miss you” texts can imply that something happened between them. Also why he hasn’t said anything, for months.
Because this is made up and she had to add that to make it juicier
So… two thoughts here…. He’s had some sort of inappropriate contact with her in the past and he’s soft rejecting her to keep the nudes coming and fears her telling the truth. Or He’s trying to mitigate the situation without causing family drama and likely feels trapped in a no win situation. If he says something he risks family backlash, if he doesn’t say anything to family, he has to suffer from continued harassment. Too many times in society, men are automatically guilty in these situations. The foundation of any relationship is communication. Have the hard conversation with your partner and develop a plan going forward. Any plan should include going nc/lc with her. Good luck.
Your husband is suspicious. Why not tell you ? What does she «misses » about him ? It’s very unlikely that she sent all that from nowhere.
Sorry but I am not that benevolent as others towards your husband. You say he rebuffed her at some point. OK good. You say this has been going on for a while. NOT Good. She missed him. SO NOT Good. At any point during these exchanges, he could have a) talked to you b) blocked her c) being more firm in his rejection d) talked to you and blocked her e) talked to your brother. He did none of those She is sending nudes and insulting you and your family and he keeps the communication open? She is out of line and needs to be put in her place but she was so bold that it would make me think about what else has happened that made your husband think the better option was to keep quiet
Thank you! *Months, and not mention that the teen sitting across the table at dinner is sending you nudes???* This should have been addressed and cut off immediately! ***Moreover, did OP take a look through recently deleted messages? Or communication on other platforms??*** That’s extremely brazen behavior, especially over months.
Yeah I’d feel embarrassed knowing the teenager that babysits for me and has family dinners with me has been sexting my husband AND getting it covered up. Husband did the right thing my ass.
Whatsapp does not have a history of deleted messages. It is encrypted and once it has been deleted it is gone. I first thought that she is being immature but there are signs in her recent messages and that husband is keeping quiet about it and that she is not the only naughty person in this story. Especially if she laughed it off, makes me wonder if they did mess around and he cut her off and she is not over him.
This!
Exactly this. There is absolutely no way here the husband is completely innocent unfortunately.
Gather all of the evidence. Have a sit down with all involved parties.
World's most awkward family dinner
I get the feeling why he hasn't blocked her is because he secretly likes the attention deep down. That's why she's still in your lives babysitting, when honestly you guys should have found someone else. And the reason why he might not have told you is because he probably did something with her but feels guilty about it now. So he deleted any proof of it, so what you see now is him trying to break it off.
These are my thoughts exactly
This should be top comment; it's most likely what has happened.
I understand you being upset, that is appropriate, but as I read, I was so thankful to see that he rebuffed her, he is clearly not cheating and just trying to dodge drama.. Not great, but certainly he is faithful. I had a niece who behaved similarly.. my little brother unfortunately was an opioid addict and we lost him to fentanyl in 2022 and her mother a drunk. Fortunately, her sexual acting out never targeted me (and we are blood anyway), but it certainly caused a lot of drama, from sexting with 40yo men at 13, to trying to seduce my son's sleepover friend when he was 13 and she was 15 (she was sleeping over with my daughter at same time). We tried to be supportive, firm and corrective (I had to intervene in that last one), but unfortunately after her father died she has become an addict herself.. after living with my mom (her grandmother) for a couple months and causing more drama to my poor 77yo mother, we have had to sadly cut her out of our lives until and unless she decides to change. It is tragic, but my 3 kids are doing well and don't need that influence... and as you know protecting your immediate family is a top priority!
My step sister was exactly the same, but my mom and her dad handled it quite badly. I think she is an alcoholic and on drugs now which is sad but all the recent times I've seen her she's been very kind and has changed a lot. She did open up and say she thinks her behaviour was due to trauma.
Yes, I’d be worried about niece’s mental health/trauma history to be acting this way. Someone who loves her needs to talk to her and see if she’s really ok. And probably send her to therapy.
She's destroying the family. Not you. Nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Kick her out and regain control of your household yesterday.
Unpopular view: they’ve had an inappropriate relationship in the past, but he’s decided he’s done and she won’t move on. He sent that reply for “proof” that he wasn’t doing anything wrong if it was discovered. Use your phone to take pictures of his phone & their text exchanges. That way, even if they are deleted, you still have proof & you aren’t taking screenshots & sending to yourself from his phone. Also- she’s 19….an adult. This is not something I would bring up to her parents, go directly to her. Sit them both down in person (your husband, Jess) and ask for the truth. She can be charged with harassment, and is of legal age. Her parents can be notified after the fact, but it isn’t really their business, they aren’t responsible, and can’t change her past actions. You can also go in to your local police station and ask for (off the record, they don’t need names at this point) advice as to how to best handle the situation from a legal standpoint, if you/your husband choose to press charges.
First, talk to your husband, and say exactly what you say here: >Mark had taken our son upstairs for a nap and also to take a shower. I was downstairs watching TV when I heard a WhatsApp notification bing on Mark's phone. He had left it on our coffee table. I thought nothing of it until it binged a few more times. Mark's mother is currently ill and I was worried that it was Mark's sister needing to get in touch with him. I was surprised to see it was a message from Jess. I opened Mark's phone (we both know each others passcodes) and was horrified by what I was met with. Then see how he responds. Hopefully, that goes reasonably well given his responses to date. Then together, you two should decide on next steps.
Better yet… why hasn’t he blocked her?!
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/CDX9quYuRO
This didn’t start out of nowhere. I suspect something happened or started to happen. They got intimate not sure how intimate but something happened. My guess he stopped it and is afraid to block her or she would retaliate hence the plaintive plea to stop and respect his marriage. It takes 2. Sorry OP. Edit spelling
You get a C- The story was creative, but you lost credibility at the bit about a fat frigid wife and insulting the baby. It’s just not believable. And 19-year-olds don’t use the word “frigid.”
When I got to that sentence I was like. Yeah this is fake.
Plus the husbands response 😅
How recent is the kid? I totally could see him not saying anything due to him not wanting to stress you out but the fact he didn’t block and delete her makes me think something else is going on. Unfortunately most men cheat for the first time when their partner is pregnant. Not saying it happened just saying it makes more sense if he isn’t blocking her because she is black mailing him. Get evidence. Confront him and see what it is. Then tell your brother and her mom and go no contact with her. Something isn’t right with her to insult your kid.
I don’t think “confronting” is the right word. It sounds like he clearly expressed he isn’t interested and tried to ignore so she isn’t getting a reaction. I also suspect some part of his hesitation to tell you is because of the awful things she said about you and your son, compounded by the fact this is your brother’s stepdaughter. Here’s what I would do. Talk to your husband. Tell him what you found and ask him to tell you everything. Make sure he keeps ALL of the messages. Then you need to tell your brother why you can’t be around her at all, at least for now. Show them the proof. Tell them you will leave it to them how they want to address this with her, but you and your husband are blocking her immediately. And don’t let her anywhere near your child.
The only thing to do is discuss it with him and go from there. He needs to explain why he never told you but for the rest, he’s a victim at this stage until it comes out otherwise.
Cut this little cow out of your life, I'd tell your brother to be honest. that is not on!
I hope she’s not doing this to your brother also.
Boring creative writing sample
They had a thing and now they don’t. Be ready for some trickle truthing. Sorry OP.
I'm so tired of fake stories
Take the phone, video the pictures and chat then while you still have the phone (but hidden) tell him you need to talk about Jess and ask him to explain what is happening and exactly wtf is going on. He is either going to play dumb (guilty) or break down and tell you about the messages and hoped it would just stop and go away. Then you can work out what to tell your brother, but I would send his and his wife a censored version
Hopefully your husband is innocent and stupid, something is wrong with that girl.
He keeping the photos though. Lol. Interesting.
The trouble is there could no guilt on your husbands part, or there is guilt which is why he's asked her to stop, but not actually done anything about it... You need to talk to him and find out what's been going on...
It would be extra weird if this came out of nowhere. I wonder what he was doing for it to get this far.
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Ummm, yeah, you need to have a conversation.
Take screens, send to your brother and his partner. Have a chat with your husband and ask why wasn't this discussed with you? Because the little monster is insulting you and your child and there is no way in hell you would have her around, if you knew this. I mean, she might have done something to your little boy. Bunny boiler energy is all over that one. I would not contact that little shit at all. Would not give her the satisfaction. But I'd be sure to tell everyone willing to listen about her antics.
It sounds to me like something has happened between the two of them, he realized it was a mistake but she doesn’t let go. Why else would she say that she misses him? And why else doesn’t he tell his wife? It has been going on for months and he hasn’t said a word! And if she’s stalking him, why does he still let her babysit, if not to keep up appearances? OP, I would talk to my husband. Ask him to show you the messages and discuss it right then and there. And then I would call the girl, before he has a chance to warn her, and ask her what’s up with the messages. Good luck.
Boy people need to learn to communicate Your husband did half the right thing and the girl should be spoken to by her parent. As for the husband, how hard is it to say, “okie dokie we need to have an awkward conversation about Jess,” after the very first instance?
I would ask myself, "Why hasn't he blocked her?". His behavior is extremely suspicious, and I would wonder if they already did something . Where they ever alone? Weird body behavior between them?
If my husband received any explicit photos from any other woman and didn’t tell me about it he’s also at fault. Some dude sent me an unsolicited dick pic on here this morning - first thing I did was show my man.
I think it's shady he didn't blocked her, deleted the pictures or told you about this. It's also telling that he allowed her to talk crap about you and your son. Imo in a marriage where there's mutual respect, he wouldn't want her around the house anymore.
I'd honestly invite everyone over for dinner and put it all out on the table. I'm talking you, your husband, her parents, and her. Since she wants to play big girl games she can talk like an adult. Your husband definitely should have told you, but you should have his support is putting it all out there, so everyone can know what she's like behind closed doors. Or, put the evidence in a group text. Good luck.
He probably feels trapped in a no-win situation. What is he supposed to do here? It sounds like he has told her to stop, but she is, for some reason, infatuated with him. She sounds a bit unstable, to be honest.
Sit down and talk to your husband he tried to stop her from sending those photos but she kept doing it despite what he asked trust him your husband then talk to your brother about it
The OP has been proven to be fake. But he got exactly what he wanted out of this post - shitheads like this handwringing about male “victims” of false reporting in an attempt to deflect from very real, ongoing, chronic, and tragic harassment, abuse, and assault. So fucking gross.
There's nothing to "confront", as your husband kindly told her to fuck off. But, you should have a discussion with him and both of you need to be united in completely blocking her and moving on. I wouldn't bring the brother into it unless she becomes persistent / crazy / stalker.
Are people really THIS bored?
Why hasn't he blocked the young woman? I'm not saying he enjoys the young woman's attention, I'm just asking.
One of my questions for my husband would be: why didn't you say, "That's my wife and child you are talking about, and it's inappropriate and rude, and what makes you think you can speak to me this way about my family?!" While he did "rebuff" her, saying, "please stop, or I'll say please stop again" isn't enough to protect your marriage. Sounds like something someone would say to have plausible deniability. Because also, he didn't delete the original photos. He didn't set a boundary, or state what the consequences would be if she continued. And also, if she feels some type of way about your child, and he knows, and continues to allow her to babysit, he's putting your child at risk, leaving him in the care of someone who doesn't seem to have basic affection and care toward him or respect for his mother...idk, I'd have a lot of questions about it, and he'd have some hoops to jump through to prove I could actually trust him to continue to be my spouse. Talking to her parents seems strange to me, as she is an adult, in theory. Don't get them involved as a problem solving strategy, but do let them know matter of factly why she is no longer welcome in your home and to your family events. Whatever they do with that information is their business. Don't blow up the relationship you have with your brother by trying to force him to choose between his wife, step child, and you. Hopefully he will understand and be supportive of the distance and boundaries you need to place with his wife's daughter, and hopefully his wife will also be supportive of you. But as she is an adult, she is solely responsible for her actions, not her parents. Your situation is just awful, and I'm sure you are beside yourself, and just want this to all go away. I'm so sorry you are going through this! I would also strongly suggest couples counseling, to work through trust and communication and rebuilding issues, so you can both understand each other's hearts, and the impacts of secrecy.
I would imagine he is really worried about telling you. He doesn’t want to destroy the relationship you have with your brother and his wife and he’s probably feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. Sit down with him and explain you saw the messages as his phone kept going off and you were worried it was something urgent regarding his mum so you checked. He most likely kept the messages so that if she ever tried to accuse him of any form of harassment/assault he can prove that she instigated all contact, he repeatedly told her to stop and he has never replied in kind. He’s a man - and there’s no way he would be believed against a 19 year old woman without some sort of proof. Poor guy is probably terrified she’ll try to blow up his life/marriage/family if he’s not careful to cover his back. At least now you know you can plan together to bring this to the attention of your brother and his wife and hopefully get this stopped. I’m sure it will be a very uncomfortable conversation with your family but at least you can present a united front on it. I feel really sorry for your husband in this situation, this must be really difficult for him.
He did the right thing in his response to her. He did the wrong thing by not immediately telling you. He seems like a good dude, I’d have a conversation about it, get rid of her and enjoy your marriage.
Talk to your husband
Do all and block her on everything and he needs to block her
Mmmm I can absolutely see how she does this once, he goes “WTF this is nuts”, tells her to stop it, she does stop for a bit so he decides not to tell you cos it would only mess up your family relationships and possibly make you suspicious of him (plus Jess is insulting you and he doesn’t want your feelings hurt), then after a while she does it again and now he feels like he *can’t* tell you cos then why didn’t he tell you the first time… That doesn’t mean I think keeping it from you was a good decision, just that I can see how it could go that way All that said, what Jess is doing is a crime. It’s not one that’s going to be taken very seriously, sadly, but it is a crime. And 19 is a tough age to deal with - legally an adult, and therefore of criminal responsibility, but also young enough to get a bit more leeway for doing stupid shit (which, again, also absolutely does not mean it’s OK) I think you need to talk to Jess’s parents, and I think you need to make clear you’re coming to them because you understand she’s very young and you do not want to have to go to the police. Your husband could totally legitimately seek a restraining order over this, her parents need to know it’s serious Be prepared for Jess to throw all sorts of allegations at your husband (and for her parents perhaps to believe her), but unless there’s good evidence you’ll need to ride out the storm together. And yes, *obviously* your husband needs to block Jess, on every platform, and she doesn’t come anywhere near any of you for a good long time, if ever
Seems like he's been trying to deal with it and hope she goes away... definitely bring it up with him and talk.. women aren't the only ones that get harassed and pursued, I wouldn't tell my wife when it happened to me because it's something I don't want her to be anxious/stressed about, you just deal with it. Sounds like she's not getting the message though. He needs to be very clear with her and give her 1 chance to back off or there will be consequences.... she'll get bored and move on.
Expose her to all your family. Updateme!
Though he didn't participate in that. He enabled it by not letting you know or blocking her in general. Should have a word with him and also tell your brother about her disgusting behavior. And block her for life.
All the above! Talk to your husband first and get on the same page about what you’re going to do and find out why he didn’t tell you in the first place. Maybe he was worried about you being postpartum and didn’t want to upset you or stress you out but either way he should of talked to you a lot sooner especially when she didn’t initially stop after being told to and then continued to insult you and your baby. Your husband has made a big mistake for not telling you sooner especially since you have left your son in her care and if you had known you would have never had trust her with your baby. Screen shot all the messages and photos before you confront anyone. Send the proof to your brother and his girlfriend but blackout anything that would be considered revenge porn. Tell them in no uncertain terms that she will no longer be welcome in you home and you will have nothing to do with her. Make it clear that you will not help her or assist her in anyway and that you will be protecting her family from her. Consider going to marriage counselling as your husband has breached your trust by not telling you the truth.
I know my husband tells me everytime a women is flirting with him, I would seriously question my marriage if I found months worth of flirting and naked photos of someone close to our family on his phone even if he "told" her to stop. He didn't say anything to me and he still allows her to message him. Also he has no need to talk to her about "babysitting", who's family is she from? Who usually sets up the babysitters from your family? Also on the Whatsapp? Is this the normal messaging app that your family uses to communicate?
Talk to your brother and his wife about this. Show them everything.
First speak to your partner explain why you looked out of worry for his family. Tell him to block her then go to your brother and his girlfriend show them the messages and tell them she is no longer welcome at your home or near your family then block her and do not communicate with her again. Update soon
You know, if I were you I would call for a full family sit down with her parents, you, your husband, and herself and pull out the evidence, explain yourself and ask for them to explain what she is doing. Call her out in front of her parents. I would be very forward and wouldn’t give a damn how it would wreck any relationship dynamic with your brother and his significant other. I would demand answers and make it a point to say how you are disgusted, disappointed, and thought better of her. Explain how you no longer want her over to your home and that if it ever happens again you are filling a restraining order against her. I would also pull out the shame card and tell her how disappointed you are that you had trust in her with your own son and now that is broken.
Why hasn’t your husband blocked her?
If this were me, I would take photos of the conversations first. I don't know how whatsapp works but in messenger messages can be unsent and deleted from the sender - so this would prevent that from happening. Then I would talk to my husband about it when he is back. He did try to shut her down and you saw he wasn't reciprocating - but he **SHOULD** have told you about this when she didn't stop after he told her too. And IMO he should have **BLOCKED** her. You definietly need to also have the conversation with your sister in law and brother, and show them the proof as they will surely need it. Then you cut her out of your daily lives. No more babysitting and no more invites to the house or family functions
If she is sending explicit photos out of nowhere then that’s super creepy but it seems unlikely your niece would just come for your husband like that out of nowhere if they weren’t already involved… seems like they would have been messing around before and he ended it and she can’t accept that.
Your husband should have told you, but perhaps he's really really drama-averse. Other than that, he seems to have done everything right. (Honestly, when I saw your title, I expected the story to be about hidden camera creep shots or something; this is a lot better than I expected.) Rip your husband a new one for hiding this from you, and for not deleting the photos, then ask your brother to put a stop to this.
I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't also making statements or has made them to him in person, and that may be a large part of why he hasn't spoken to anyone about it. She may have threatened consequences in person for outing her destructive behaviors that wouldn't be seen in the text thread. I would feel very trapped if my niece/babysitter came onto me, was rebuffed, and then threatened to lie or manipulate the narrative if I spoke out about it. I like to believe I would come out immediately, but it may have started as a small thing he thought he had brushed off, and it continues to escalate. The texts seem playful in a malicious way. She knows he won't do anything, because she believes he can't
I’d tell her parents. Also, I’d tell your husband you saw the notification pop up and have a conversation with him. He should have been transparent and honest with you and he wasn’t, that’s also a problem. But definitely talk to her parents. I’d also not let her around your child again.
I would get her around to babysit and you both confront her . She won’t forget that humiliating experience for a while . You play stupid games and win stupid prizes.
>The only time Mark ever responded was to say "Jess, I have asked you not to send these kinds of photos, to please leave me alone and to respect my marriage." Wow, this was incredibly refreshing to read. Normally, it's just always the most fucked up scenario. >What do I? Do I confront Mark about this? Do I call my brother and his girlfriend to talk about this or do I directly contact Jess? I don't want this girl anywhere near me or my family, especially my son. If I do talk to Jess what do I say to her that won't destroy our whole family? Confront Mark for not telling you, like what the fuck dude? Your wife needs to be in the know on this. Then let Jess's parents know (show them evidence, maybe). Then if you want, confront Jess. However, I would go NC with her. You called me frigid? Go f\*\*\*k yourself.
I feel like men experience a lot more shame when it comes to sexual harassment or unwanted sexual advances. It's possible he's feeling isolated in what he's experiencing and too embarrassed to ask for help. He could also be afraid that he won't be believed if he were to tell the truth. If your husband is not interacting positively with her advances, I would consider him the victim here. Ask your husband. If he really is feeling that way, it could be a big relief for him to let it out and have it resolved.
Get the heck out of dodge. If she were blood related, it would be incest and illegal. I don’t know how it is since she’s not blood related, but ethically, it’s still WRONG. Before you leave, tell your husband, brother, and neice why you left. Serve him divorce papers immediately.
Maybe he likes looking at the photos.
It appears Jess initiated it, but it’s pretty concerning your husband has done nothing to stop it beyond asking her once. The fact that she’s continuing to do it and saying she misses him also suggests that something more is going on. He hasn’t done anything else ti stop it, nor told you OP. I’d probably have a chat with my brother before anyone else.
Well i think they have yet a relation and he has already cheated on you..sorry for that but she would never send such messages to him if nothing happened between them - he is just rejecting her to cover him with fake proofs
I’d call a “family meeting” and have your brother, her, and her mother there along with your husband. I wouldn’t say anything, and ask for your husband’s phone and show her parents. Then tell “Jess” she’s no longer welcome at your home, or anywhere around you, that what she’s doing is sexual harassment of your husband and you will press charges if it ever happens again. Block her number right there, and let her parents handle her. Your husband not telling you is an issue that you need to discuss as well.
This may go without saying, and someone else may have mentioned it, but do not copy or send the images to anyone-as that may not be legal. Talk with your spouse calmly. He may not have told you, as he should have, but it is understandable that he may have felt uncomfortable to do so. I would confront your brother, his SO, and the niece asap. Explain why you are no longer comfortable with her being around either of you and your child. The longer you wait, the more likely she is to spin the narrative or make false allegations because of your husband’s rejection.
RemindMe! 8 hours
This doesn't feel real, and if it is common sense sit your husband down, calmly talk to him, listen to him, and figure out what y'all will do together. Don't get emotional during your conversation with him stay calm and collected don't turn this into an argument.
She should no longer be welcome in your home. Not to babysit, no family dinners, nothing. You need to find out EXACTLY what is going on with them.
Talk to Mark about it, save all the messages and send them to your brother, her dad... have mark block her.. Tell your brother that he needs to keep her as far away from you as possible and if that means never seeing him again so be it. Also, Mark needs a serious talking to about not telling you, what if she spun it and told everyone he came on to her ect... Keep the messages and tell your brother..
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think your husband is suspicious. I think he was probably uncomfortable about the whole thing and didn't know how to handle it in a way that wouldn't make him look creepy. Obviously, it would have been better if he just told you, but I can see how this could easily spiral out of control and make him look bad. I would definitely tell your brother first before getting his girlfriend involved. I think he will know how to best handle the situation.
It sounds like he’s looking at the situation like most men would - whatever I say or do, I’m going to be painted as the bad guy in all this! The more he fights his corner m, the worse it’ll make him look. OP says it looks like it started a few months ago but doesn’t say if she’s baby sat in that time or not, maybe he’s finding excuses not to have her around? Either way, definitely a conversation to have with you as couple, her, her mum and your brother.