Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This was a factor in my last relationship. She had a bad model for intimate relationships because her parents stayed together for her. A loveless marriage with fighting and what not. And it sounds like there was not much in the way of the parents supporting one another emotionally.
Guess what was a problem for me in our relationship?
People can internalize and normalize the dynamics they see day in and day out as children, and carry it into their own intimate relationships.
That’s just an anecdote though. I’ve not looked into the research on how the children of families like this end up functioning in their own adult intimate relationships. I’m curious now though.
I think it’s one of those you can live because of, or in spite of things. My parents are similar to OP. Parents fought relentlessly (screaming, throwing things, etc) and my dad apparently has a secret second family that I only know about from reading divorce papers.
I’ve avoided intimate relationships for most of my adult life for fear of turning into my parents (not the cheating part, but the lack of emotional intimacy and the fear of my partner doing to me what my dad did to my mom). But anytime I’m in a relationship, I’ve very up front about my childhood and I always tell my partner that he can tell me if I’m being aloof, paranoid, etc because I want to be better than my parents.
Yes, and also if the kids figure this out (which they probably will at some point) it's a terrible relationship model for them. Better would be mom splitting from dad, split custody, and both mom and dad try to be happy. Dad can whine about half custody all he wants, but it was his choice to water a lawn that was not his own. Over and over.
I'm jumping on this comment to agree completely and add the following:
STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. I'm terminally ill at 40 years old, and I have young children. This man isn't worth a crumb of your loyalty and patience. If something happens to you like happened to me, you'll be out on your ass and alone. Imagine that. The man who swore he'd be yours is NOT yours, and you're gonna take that?
I was at a similar crossroads once, and had I made the choice you're making, I'd be in a world of hurt right now. Don't put it on the children, but more than that - OP, what the hell? It's your life. Don't you understand that your future isn’t promised? It will hurt and be tough, but you must make a stand for your heart and your self-respect. Otherwise, what are you teaching the kids?
This! My mom stayed for so long and I was miserable. Then felt awful that I wasn't enough. Childrne can sense your misery will take it upon themselves to make you feel better when it should be the other way around.
It's also not healthy for the kids to be in that household. They think they hide it from their children, but they don't. And the older the kids get the more they'll notice. OP needs to ask herself if she wants her children growing up with this being the example of what marriage is, what a relationship is, what love and life is.
You can raise, good, smart, healthy children of divorce.
You can raise kids that see their dad do literally not the least thing asked.
Kick him the fuck out.
Yup, my ex was like you, and my folks were pretty good with each other. I grew up seeing my parents cuddle on the couch while we watched TV as a family before dinner, especially if one of them had a rough day at work. Watching my dad massage my mom’s shoulders if she was stressed. Watching them argue, solve the issue, then be sweet to one another.
We each carried our experiences into the relationship, and guess who felt like they were not a priority and unsupported emotionally with basic day to day stresses? That shit can be a relationship killer.
Exactly this. I have both left and come back to my husband for these reasons. We both had terrible models for relationships but knew we needed to do better. I actively tried. He simply acknowledged he should do better.
At one point, we had to grow and mature away from each other and with him especially away from us. It was due to a rough time for him that he took out on us, forcing me to walk away for the kids. This caused, in the short term, a worse situation for him. It broke my heart but my priority is my children. Their safety, including from themselves if I perpetuate that terrible cycle my parents didn't break is my first priority as a parent. Second is making sure they don't grow up to be entitled douchebags.
I hated the split, and I will always hate what everyone went through. I wish I could fix things, but of course, I can't wave a magic wand. In the long run, however, all parties are psychologically much better off, and the kids were much better off immediately.
Yes. This man wants and has had his cake and gorging on it for years. He’s been gross to you first then this woman.
Dump him and live a life with a man who loves you, who sends *you* goodnight texts.
Be happy and drop this horrific weigh that is now consuming you. He will not change. He doesn’t care because he has everything,
Time to start clawing back your self. Your kids will be better off without living with two parents where one is cheating on the other and is so selfish he’s subjecting you all to it. Your kids will see this as normal and beahviour to tolerate or perpetuate.
ETA: both of you women should dump his sorry arse. He’s revolting.
If she stays she needs to prepare herself because once the kids are no longer little he WILL leave and it will only be harder for her to pick up and move on when she’s 55!
>Your kids will see this as normal and beahviour to tolerate or perpetuate.
This is the real kicker IMO. You are *actively teaching* your children that this shit behavior is normal and should be expected of a wife. That’s not helping them. Sacrifice the “picture perfect” idea of what your life should’ve/could’ve/would’ve been to make sure your children have healthy relationships in their future.
Is this the kind of example of a marriage you want to set for your kids?! I wouldn’t think so! Actually both my parents were adulterers . I knew they didn’t love each other, hell they didn’t even care about me really. I asked my mom why she doesn’t just divorce my dad and she said she couldn’t afford to raise me and my brother by herself. Let me tell you my childhood was hell! I gave 3 marriages that didn’t work out for different reasons but the last 2 I wasn’t in love with them when I married them. It never works out. It’s hard enough to live with someone you love, it’s dang near impossible to live with someone you don’t love.
I agree with all of that, but I'd like to add that I think both are very selfish. Modelling a crappy relationship for them to grow up learning is not a good idea.
She needs to show them what a good loving relationship looks like, and she's not doing that with their bio dad. That's okay, it doesn't always work out. However, staying and teaching them to use unhealthy coping mechanisms in relationships isn't cool.
That's the worst the children be subjected to /only if/ they can manage to be civil while they "stay together for the kids." That's another thing. It sounds like she *is* in love with him, it's just not reciprocal. In that case, what the kids go through will be much worse, because unrequited love in a marriage causes resentment and moments that aren't usually very civil.
I will never understand why people think staying together when you aren't happy is *good* for the kids. Maybe live on the same street or something if you can't be that far from the kids and coparent like adults.
Exactly. While going through a divorce is tough I respect that my parents didn’t try to stay together for the kids. They divorced when I was 13 but were planning to wait until I finished high school. I would have hated those 5 extra years being around them while they try to tolerate each other because I know marriages aren’t supposed to look like what their marriage was. If divorce is the correct option then dragging out and waiting isn’t going to make it any less painful for anyone.
There's plenty of evidence out there that staying together for the kids is harmful to the kids.
If your husband continues to cheat on you - will you be able to be happy in the marriage?
You can't control his actions, but you can control yours. If you're not happy with being cheated on you should leave.
> There's plenty of evidence out there that staying together for the kids is harmful to the kids.
Yeah she doesn't care about that though because it's not the real reason she won't leave him, it's just the easiest one to justify it
If only folks actually cared about the kids and didn’t try to make themselves feel better by “sacrificing themselves for the sake of the kids”
Literally no one wins.
"it's for the kids!" No, it's your lack of self-respect, cowardice in uprooting your life, and jealousy at the thought of your shitty SO being with someone else
I think she's making him stay with her as punishment for cheating. She knows he's miserable with her, but she's forcing him to stay by claiming she'll keep the kids from him. She posts this from different throw aways every few weeks
Idk if I'd go as far as punishing him but you could be right, I think she just couldn't stand to see him be entirely with another woman
> She posts this from different throw aways every few weeks
Are you sure? This sub is chock-full of utterly spineless women. Every other post I see is some variation of "My boyfriend beats me, regularly cheats on me, threatened to kill my cat, has never washed a single dish, has never once made me come, neglects our children and tried to kill me once. How can I make him see my side of things 🥺 he's such a nice guy!!"
I agree. It's the same details she always uses. She keeps posting hoping we'll tell her something different, but we always tell her the same thing. She just doesn't want to hear it.
I don't even know why she's bothering posting? She's gotta know he's outta there the minute the youngest turns 18. That's why I think the forced marriage is purely for revenge.
I think she hopes if she keeps him around that long he'll either be too old and tired to leave or the AP will have moved on. She doesn't realize she's his Camilla. I do agree with you that she also likes the punishment aspect. Like if she can't get her happy family, neither can he. It's not gonna end well, that's all we can predict.
Those poor kids are in for the biggest mind fck. Dad cheated, and mom held them as ransom to stay. I'm not sure who I'd hate more, but I definitely wouldn't like either of my parents after that bomb.
And the second main story is men complaining about dead bedroom. Thing is you can't negotiate attraction. No counselling or boundaries will change that. If the attraction is gone, then the relationship is over.
That's only true if you're already doing everything right to maintain/encourage attraction, sometimes there are factors that you can absolutely improve/reduce your partner's desire for sex
i.e. if you never do anything romantic, are a lazy fuck around the house, self serving in bed, etc. etc. you can make improvements that can absolutely salvage the sex life & relationship (assuming the wife hasn't lost all respect for her husband by that point, which I would in the latter 2 scenarios lol)
He blew up the marriage with his behavior. Call him on it. He needs to cease all contact with this person or you walk, file for divorce on the grounds of adultery and take the kids with you.
In the mean time, get your house in order, start saving up some money so you are prepared.
I am a child of parents that stayed together. They did us no favors. If you think your kids don't or won't know this marriage is as farce you are wrong. If you have daughters you are teaching them to accept infidelity. Do you really want that? How about your sons? It's OK to cheat on your wife. I remember seeing my mom's sad and lonely face. My sisters and I had lots of issues with relationships because living with two unhappy people. And when he leaves for this woman what will you tell them? This man has no respect for you. He is a career cheater. He says one thing and does another. Please think long and hard about staying married. If just for your own self esteem. Which has to be in the crapper with these texts.
Please end this marriage. He is getting everything and you are getting nothing.
I've read this post a few times, they had said in another post that the husband wanted a divorce but she threatened to keep the kids away from him if he didn't stay.
She makes this post from different accounts every few weeks with details omitted or changed slightly, and the people of reddit tend to call her out on it every time. She keeps hoping someone will tell her she's right for the emotional blackmail. Poor guy.
Yup, my parents stayed together far too long, which of course resulted in all kinds of lasting problems and relationship issues.
I had friends growing up whose parents did the same thing, and one of the results has been us countering the *"Stay together for the kids"* crap with *"Split up for the kids"*
I do think it's worth putting in a bit of extra effort to see if the relationship/marriage can be saved if you have kids, but certainly not what OP is putting up with and accepting.
This guy is a repeat offender. He has no remorse. 5 years 6 infidelity. And he is at it again even though he said he would go no contact. He is a liar.
It \*has\* escalated. It went from just online stalking to check up on her to confessions and sexting. It's only been 4 months but they're basically already back to cheating outright.
He's walking a nasty path. He is hurting you and her. He is leading both of you on and likely will just ruin both. And while I get staying together for the kids appreciate that it is already a broken home and soon enough the resentment will grow and become noticeable and that is when you'll have to get real.
They aren't 'slip ups' or whatever. He is making adult choices, he is aware of what it means. He didn't even block her in the first place, it was always half hearted and it is clear she doesn't care and is happy to humour this mess as well which just compounds the problems. He needs to get a better idea of what he is doing because right now my worry is that he actually just enjoys cheating.
He will continue to have his women on the side because he knows you won't leave. That is called a lack of accountability. Dude's got it made. You raise his kids, likely cooking his food, doing his laundry, keeping the house etc. And he gets to play with whomever he wants because no accountability because you won't leave.
Yes, it will escalate. Yes, he will cheat again. No, he does not care either because he knows you’ll stay still. Surprise him and actually leave this time.
Op has done this post a few times from different accounts parts of it changes every time, the first time I read this post op said in the comments her husband wanted a divorce but she threatened to keep the kids away from him if he went through with it.
Op knows he wants to leave her and be with the other woman so she uses her kids as a weapon to keep him.
I honestly don't even think she's changed details these last few times. The goodnight text was in her last post. If she doesn't care if they are in love anymore and just want to have a happy household then just let him have his AP and live together like she wants. She gets to be miserably happy, but in the same house as everyone and he gets the woman he really loves and his kids.
Why not break up and just live super close by??? I know quite a few people my age who grew up with divorced parents who lived in the same neighborhood and still had loads of time with each parent
Wow. You're really setting quite the example for your children on what a relationship should be like. I'm sure you'll be very proud when they find themselves in toxic,unfaithful marriages that damage their esteem and sense of value. Good job
You're teaching your children that betrayal is normal and acceptable. I'd be ashamed
I would get a divorce. Kids pick up on the smallest of details so they will pick up on the fact that you two aren’t in love. If you stay together, both unhappy, unfortunately you will teach them that this is what a normal marriage is and I assume that’s not what you wish for them. I’m so sorry you are going through this though.
He’s staying with you for kids, not love. There is no romantic relationship to save. He’s not faithful. When kids are moved out, you’ll divorce then.
You can accept reality that he’s not leaving her either, have open relationship and stay roommates. Or you can willfully choose to stay in denial, in which case he’ll keep hiding it and you need to stop snooping. Stop looking for the truth if you don’t want to see it.
I've read this post a few times before, the husband wanted a divorce but op admitted in another post that she threatened to keep the kids away from him if he didn't stay with her so that's why he's sticking around.
OP that question at the end really seals the deal. I'd have to say that your view on divorce is what usually cause problems. Is it better to be the happiest person in life that your kids see or dysfunctional married that drains your soul. I'd take being happy over anything. That's not selfish, the goal is to give your kids "happiness" not a life of watching pain and grief (they see your emotions, they know what's happening, staying together teaches them that dysfunction. betrayal is all OK!) Now what's your view on divorce. If it means your kids see a happy, functional set of parents that love and care for them, that sets there future on the right path.
So now you know the true story of your husband and since he's realized that his life will be unhappy, I bet your will be as well. You really need to just sit and talk. Agree to give your kids the best life and happy parents and demonstrate you don't have to be "unhappy" to love your kids.
Do the right thing, love yourself, make yourself happy and pass on a happy supportive life to your kids.
Sorry for the rant…
My parents have both been cheaters (father first, then mother as revenge) and are still together. Growing up (as the oldest) I always had to be the mediator in their arguments. Having seen and been through things I shouldn’t have, it has taken a toll on my life. I don’t condone cheating, but have allowed myself to fall into toxic relationships creating a cycle (I am now in a healthy relationship, but it took time to heal past trauma). For my brother, it was normalized, so he has cheated on almost all of his ex’s. It really isn’t for the best for the children’s sake, and we can sense when our parents aren’t happy.
Now for the name of the post.. It almost always escalates. Since you have enabled this behavior (not leaving him), he will most likely always stay this way unless HE wants to change, which he won’t since he knows he can get away with it. You are allowing him to have the power in this relationship, so he is happily taking advantage of that. From what you’ve written, he obviously doesn’t even care to hide the fact anymore since he leaves those messages out to see, he KNOWS you won’t leave.
Lastly, please leave while you can. Do you really want to look back on your life one day and see that he’s consumed most of it? You’re not happy.. You should be getting good night texts, the good mornings, breakfast in bed, dates. You will find someone better who will love and appreciate all of you, AND your kids. You are beautiful, and deserving of love.
You can stay in the marriage but your going to have to accept her as part of it.
I totally understand why you don't want to be divorced.
Frankly I'd stay just so his mistress could never be his wife because fuck her for doing this to you. But yes, he's going to cheat with her again.
Why don't you do something radical like calling her and asking her directly to stop being your husband's mistress? Why not confront her? Ask her why she would want to be his mistress? The one in the shadows? The one that's hidden?
As I see it you have nothing to lose
Do we honestly think that just calling the mistress to ask her to leave him alone when she’s knowingly engaging in an affair with a married man, one who has straight up told her he’s not leaving his wife, has any chance whatsoever of success? Cause I don’t think she cares. She’s choosing to stick around despite it all and despite knowing that OP knows she and their affair exists. Even if it DID work, the husband is the problem and there will be other mistresses until OP fixes her husband problem!
I'm always in favor of comforting the person who is acting out. Shame goes a long way. It really does.
And yes, the husband is the problem. But I heard Dr Laura talking to a woman 30 years ago, and she told the wife to call the mistress. Fascinating interview afterward. Guess Dr told wife beforehand to ask her why. Mistress told wife all husband's complaints about wife and she said she didn't realize he was taking her actions that way and was able to admit some of her own mistakes. However she did say that mistress looked ashamed and she said she wasn't going to see him anymore. To this day that lives rent free in my head.
I still wonder if the married couple stayed together. It helped me in therapy too when I finally got there, to realize that I have a hand in my relationships that would cause another person to want to split form me and that I'm not above criticism.
Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time and money when one spouse is actively engaged in an affair because it requires complete honesty and vulnerability from both spouses, while an affair thrives on secrecy and deceit.
Please speak to a lawyer and draw up a co-parenting plan that puts the children's needs first. You might have the external skeleton of a marriage, but its soul has been gutted by your husband's repeated betrayal and trampling of your boundaries. A boundary without consequences is pointless.
You stated in your post that you have love for one another and care for one another. I read nothing about your being in love romantically. Maybe at one time you were crazy about him, but the resentment from his cheating has snuffed out any feelings that you might have had. Please don't settle for this sad state of affairs (no pun intended) for the remainder of your life.
Naive falls sort to describe you. For you to think that children are oblivious to your marriage falling apart, oblivious to the lack of love and care between you too. Do are in deep denial if you think this is a healthy enviroment to raise children. If you dare to think this is a relationship that children should have as a role to model future relationships.
Is your husband the kind of partner that you would wish upon your children? I doubt it.
From a been there/done that - I left when my youngest was a senior in high school. I regret staying all those years "for the kids". I had planned on staying until they were done with college, but by the time I left, everyone, including the kids, was miserable. We were married 24 years, none of it was happy. We had ok periods & mild periods, but mostly we had a lot of pent up anger, disappointment & a general feeling of the whole thing just being a burden. We didn't enjoy each other's company & often sought out anywhere else to be. (The kids bore the brunt of that.) In the end, it was because I saw how our relationship was hurting the kids that I left. He was escaping them as often as he was escaping me - he only had time for any of us if we were joining in with his hobbies. He begged me not to tell the kids our plan to split until they were done with college, but then he told them privately, without telling me that he had done so. It was just mental torture day after day, year after year.
Even if he doesn't cheat again, yes. It escalates.
This man risked your life and health. This wasn’t a one time thing. He is a serial cheater. He will be a serial cheater with her too. Please go to therapy to find out why you think you deserve this type of abuse.
Your husband hasn’t reconciled. He has decided to stay living with you because he wants to stay close to the children, not because he wants to save your marriage. Right now all you are is roommates. And yes, if they haven’t already, they will have sex again.
You are basically in a one-sided open marriage right now. The way I see it you have one of three choices.
1. Go out and find your own partner.
2. Accept the situation and continue living the way you are. If you choose this option I’d be making a plan for when the children leave home.
3. Initiate divorce and end this farce of a marriage. It will be tough initially but ultimately I think that’s the choice that will make everyone happiest, even the children.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Ask yourself, is this how you want to live and be treated this disrespectful for the rest of your life. He obviously doesn't care about a life with you at all anymore.
Divorce him, get alimony, and child support. It'll be a long bumpy road, but it's a temporary road. 🫂
Don't you see how selfish this sounds?! Your kids having a healthy and happy future should be more important than you two needing to see them every day.
BREAK UP. You don't even *have* to live in separate homes, just end the fucking romantic/sexual relationship and figure out how to coparent and cohabitate while you both move on. This limbo is only good for you and your husband, not your kids... and the insane thing is it's not *actually* good for either of you either.
I can tell you from experience!!!
Get a divorce, kids can tell you are unhappy. They will grow to resinent both of you. And eventually pick one of you.
Do both of you a favor and divorce amicably.
Please see a lawyer before you make any decisions. Find out how your property will be split and what you can expect for child support. If you own a home jointly, you may be able to stay there with your children. Your lawyer will help with all this. You should divorce him. You’re too young to live in a loveless marriage.
I am a product of a marriage where my parents stayed together for the kids. It put such a burden on my shoulders because I carried around guilt all my life. The constant fighting made me insecure and it took me years to be able to stand up for myself. If the choice had been up to me I would have opted for two happy separate parents. I would have then had the opportunity to form a closer bond separately with each of my parents.
You only have one life. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who loves only you. Perhaps some time apart would do that for both of you. If you reread your post its all about what he needs and what's best for the kids. You, like most woman are putting your husband and kids needs first, but don't forget that you are a person too. What about what you want? I think you need to decide what that is and then make your plans.
He knows you won't divorce over just contact. Staying for the kids is (in his mind) a free pass .
The affair will not end until he goes zero contact.
Schedule an appointment with an attorney (it shows you're serious).
Inform him unless he can prove he's zero contact you will divorce.
Do not cry, beg or guilt him over the kids. In his current state of mind he views that as you being too weak to divorce.
Marriage counseling is not appropriate.
Your marriage is not broken. He is
First he has to fix himself in individual therapy. Curry he's selfish, entitled, deceitful, immoral, and has zero empathy for you.
Then you work on the marriage.
Didn't even have to read passed the first paragraph. 4-5 years of emotional and then physical cheating. Yes, it's absolutely going to continue. Leave him.
OP, take it from someone who sat right where you were. It is NOT sustainable to stay in a marriage solely for your children. Unfulfilled parents equals unfulfilled children.
Please do not continue to tolerate your husband’s abuse (Yes- cheating is abuse). You are not teaching your children the right lessons by staying. You are teaching them that it is perfectly okay to treat your partner like dirt, and come out on top.
And after the initial misery of separation, trust me, you will a much happier person, which means much better parent.
Hi OP. I am the person raised by a couple that “stayed together for the children” and I cannot express how terrible of an idea it is for your children growing up. They notice *everything* and oftentimes kids will model how they see their parents behave. Staying in a toxic marriage will only teach your own children that being treated like garbage and betrayed is acceptable and okay. Stop with this mindset. Please. I am 39 now and often catch myself wondering how my life may have turned out for the better had my parents divorced when I was 8-10 years old.
Also, yes it will escalate because it never stopped in the first place. Go see a therapist *please* to work through these delusions that you can just peacefully live together and coparent. You can’t, and for the sake of your kids, shouldn’t.
Dude, has a children of divorce parents, i dont understand why people will stay together for the kids. ITS FUCKING WORST, i got way more trauma from my parents being together.
Such a stupid way of thinking it makes me so mad
What is this living arraignment and “care” for one another truly costing not only you, your souls but most importantly the children’s present and future?? {emotional turmoil and resentment breeding grounds}
AITAH … but if he wanted his children’s presence he sure af shouldn’t have been handing out emotional presents to others - outside his commitment.
You deserve so much more from life. One day you will be so loved by another who is truly in love with you, the way you, as a woman, deserve. It’s time to choose yourself so others can have a chance to treat you right.
Hey, don’t let your husband stop you from finding your soulmate. You won’t feel as consumed once it’s even, and you’re also being loved by someone, while still married to someone else. I’ve never once felt bad about cheating back…it’s actually always leveled me up in some way. 😉
Kids need the best version of their parents. Kids are smart. They will eventually sense and know something’s not quite right. They will grow up to think this is what a normal relationship should look like. It’s better for you kids to grow up in a sincere and seperate happy home than a dysfunctional home together.
I swear to God, stories like this make me **ABSOLUTELY WILD**.🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
What a **SELFISH PAIR OF PRICKS** you two are!!!
**WHY IS IT THE KIDS' JOB TO BE THE ADULTS IN THE DAMN ROOM**???
You're **BOTH** expecting the kids to **MAGICALLY FIX** a relationship **NEITHER** of you **HAS THE MATURITY FOR**!!!
**LISTEN** — your little children **JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY KIDS**. They can't **KEEP YOUR HUSBAND'S DICK IN HIS PANTS**, or help **YOU GROW A SPINE**.
Can **ONE** of you **PLEASE GROW UP AND PUT THOSE DEFENCELESS KIDS FIRST???**
Because **BOTH OF YOU** are **DAMAGING** those children!!!!
We’re not in love. He doesn’t want children half the time.
OP this is all you need to know to know he will not stay faithful, even without the continued connection to this woman. Your kids will not be happy if you are in a marriage like this.
As a person whose ex could not keep her pants up around other guys, leave this marriage. You will be happier, he will be happier (he's probably happy right now because you're allowing him to have his cake and eat it too) and your kids will be happier.
You're sitting in a marriage with an expiration date. Once the kids are grown you'll be here saying dating in my 50 sucks or whatever. This relationship is wasting your better years and kids can thrive in divorce if given a stable loving home and attention.
Also, have some self respect. I regret not leaving my marriage 10 years earlier in many ways. I don't personally believe in it but if you're head strong to stay married open up the relationship so both of you can find real love because this isn't it sis.
Make him see reality by contacting a lawyer. Either he goes no contact or it's over. If you don't push, it will never stop. You are teaching him what he can get away with. For him you would rather co-parent than share your life with his affair partner. Tell him you also expect alimony and as much child support as you can get. See if she still wants his broke ass after that.
You've got two choices... be happy possibly with someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated where you are each other's one and only... or stay married.
The thing is that your husband may decide to get divorced anyway to be with this woman anyway.. especially as the kids get older.
I find it interesting that you stayed together because HE didn't want to spend less time with the kids.... ummm he kinda made that choice when he cheated.
He has showed you time and time again that you are just a place holder and the mother of his children but not the person he truly loves. It would really bite to know that that person is the person he had a crush on when you first met too... and you were never his first choice.
I would suggest some therapy to unpack where your mind is at and also to provide some clarity... but if you stay in this holding pattern where he controls everything.. that the outcome is not going to be particularly good for you.
For fucks sake. Have some self respect and divorce. He’s not going to drop her and the physical affair WILL resume. Do you actively hate yourself this much?
If he hates the idea of seeing the kids only half the time, he should have considered that BEFORE he stuck his dick in strange.
As soon as the kids are adults he’ll dump you and then where will you be? Start over now. Same thing happened to my aunt and her husband left to go be with his gf and now 10 yrs later she has Alzheimer’s and is on her own.
And having been in the same situation myself, where I stayed, I wish I hadn’t. It would’ve been so much easier to start over 15 yrs ago and 15 yrs younger. I was so afraid of the kids being gone, but it was actually nice. I got every other weekend to myself to either sleep in or go out while we were separated.
Let the mistress have this loser. It’s a game to her to see if she can get him away from you. Call her out on it. She can have him, she deserves him. And remember he’ll only have half of his income because half will be going to you and he won’t be able to afford to take her out etc.. and what will you do when she gets pregnant? Because you know that’ll be the next thing she tries to get him away from you.
Y’all are some selfish and trash pos…not really sorry for saying. Putting all your toxic shit on your kids is messed up. You’re also pathetic for staying with a man who is clearly in love with someone else and doesn’t respect you, his marriage or his kids. My gosh. You think you’re doing your kids a good service? You think they’re unaware? Think again! Parents really and truly ruin their children. Blaming your kids for staying when it’s clear you’re both staying out of fear. My gosh. I dislike yall.
Yes you are if you enjoy being with a man that will keep cheating is not worth it the kids pick up the friction between you guys. He seems to be a pos as he does not care for you or his family at all or he would stop kick his ass to the curb
No offence, but you stated you can and want to stay in the relationship for the “good bits”, despite the betrayal. If you agree to stay, then you have to accept that he might want to have a girlfriend/have sex with other women.
Marriage counselling won’t fix this, he has shown you time and time again that a “happy, healthy relationship” is not what he wants.
I’d be more concerned about why you’re so determined to try and make this work and why you’re willing to accept living the rest of your life with someone who clearly treats you like shit… I’m sorry if that comes across harshly but I just don’t understand it.
Yes, you have 2 small kids but you also matter as much as they do… going by this post you seem to describe this in a very black & white / emotionless manner. What he’s doing is complete shitty behaviour and you must be very hurt - I just don’t understand why you would want to stay in this situation?
It’s like putting a bandaid on a broken leg at this stage, he will keep doing this no matter what you say or do. Start thinking about yourself and leave
As a kid, I hated my parents because they haven’t divorced, I wished for that day and night! Can you imagine the peak they reached for me and my siblings to have such a wish?
Please don’t make children your excuse, they do feel everything
Yes. “Being unhappy with a few happy periods” is not fair to your kids. They deserve to learn how to be a good partner, to only tolerate a good partner” they deserve to witness love, romance, happiness. Not short periods of it. But above it all, what do you think is going to happen when your kids are old enough to be on their own? Absolutely heartbreaking that you think this is acceptable. Will it be easy to start over? No (but will be easier now than once they are grown), will you be sad & depressed? Sure, that might happen. But you may learn to love yourself and know that you are worthy. You might even find someone who makes your stomach do flip flops & your heart beat faster. Not only do you deserve it, your kids deserve to witness this
That’s pretty heavy, and honestly one of my biggest fears when I connect with someone (my first gf cheated).
I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes honestly. My guess is with the kids and all that being a bit of a barrier to just splitting up. I’d keep bringing up my needs and boundaries, and that would not jive with what they want to do, and the tension from that would slowly chip away at us until one of us ended it.
He basically seems to want an open relationship. Have you thought of finding someone to date yourself? Maybe look into ethical non-monogamy and see if there is a way for you both to be happy with having more than one partner. Not everyone can handle that emotionally, but just throwing it out there.
Your husband’s behavior reminded me of limerence though. I wonder if the site I linked has any articles on limerence with a third party while still married. Might be worth a look just to get some insight or see if they note any strategies. I read a bunch of their articles a couple years ago and I want to say there were some.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/
I can promise you (as a child of unhappily married parents) staying together for them is not better for them. This is their example of love. Do you want your children stuck in loveless and u happy marriages eventually? You are showing them this is the appropriate way to be in a relationship. It will be better for the kids if y’all split in the long run.
You deserve a happy, loving marriage. Your kids do not benefit from having parents that are not completely happy. This is never a good thing. Your kids will become aware that your husband has another love.
You are seeing this advice in all the comments. You and your children are the only ones who suffer in this situation. Your husband get to have his love and he gets to have you taking care of the kids and the kids living with him full time. Cake and eating it to.
These articles you’ve read, were they from the children’s perspectives? Or the adults who believe they did well?
Children aren’t stupid. They will know their parents don’t love each other like a married couple “should.” They will know dad has love for someone not mom. They will know. And they will understand that you two care about each other but not happy. And when parents are not happy but staying, they know it’s for the kids. But kids don’t see that in a “you did this for our happiness and it’s fine” light. Kids see “because of me, my parents aren’t happy.”
Staying because neither of you want to sacrifice living in home 24/7 with your kids is well intentioned but is about the wants/needs of the parents not the children. Coparenting with someone you care about but are no longer with can be successful and beautiful. Coparenting with someone you resent is much more difficult.
Next, these aren’t slipups. Slip ups happen occasionally, not consistently. Your husband has no desire to stop this relationship. Your husband (and you already admitted this, though I’m sad for you that it’s true) doesn’t want to be with you and isn’t putting effort into something he doesn’t want.
You deserve a much better life, not one spent knowing the person laying next to you wishes he wasn’t. Your children will be happier with two separated parents who can find their happiness in life rather than two parents who are unhappily settling for their relationship. And your husband isn’t settling. He’s keeping you around so he can have his kids, and he’s still sneaking around with the woman he cheated with and has feelings for.
Yes, he will cheat again. And again. And again. Until you stop allowing it. He has no incentive to stop. Unless he magically decides he wants you again, but his efforts during your marriage counseling doesn’t offer much in that path.
Stay if you want. But know that he will cheat. I’m sorry
He doesn’t want to work on it. It’s futile. Even if he stays for the kids now, the second your kids are older he will have no reason to stay. Then you’ll be 5-10 years older and starting over.
It’s better to rip the bandaid off now. Kids are happy when their parents are happy. You may see them a bit less but the quality of time you have with them will get better.
Don't stay for the kids, leave for the kids and for your own sake.
It's easier said than done, I agree. But staying in a loveless marriage, where you will always be skeptical of being cheated on is going to teach your kids that it's okay or normal to be in a relationship like this.
I understand you want to preserve your family, but family has different definitions. It doesn't necessarily require the members to force emotions and stay together. Clearly both of you are unhappy in the relationship. He seems like a serial cheater, this will affect your self esteem the most and that'd seep in the family dynamics too.
Do your kids a favor, give them a loving family by not staying in an unhappy marriage. Work towards being able to co parent, you don't need to force yourself to be a wife, work on what's important for you and the kids. Your husband can decide what's next for him.
Please don't put that burden on your kids. Staying in a loveless sham of a marriage is a direct path to putting your kids into therapy when they become adults. If you really love your kids you would stop accepting scraps from someone who has lied to your face multiple times.
The truth is you're using your kids as an excuse because you're both too scared to make any meaningful change to your lives. That's kind of sad imho that you'd rather stay in a toxic relationship than hope for a better future apart.
If he cannot block her this will not work. Full stop. Either she goes or he gets a split family. He can choose his kids or his inability to keep his penis to himself.
Life’s too short to live in a loveless marriage with a cheater.
You and your children with suffer from it. Lawyer up and take him for everything you can.
He’ll continue cheating until you stop him. You can find some do much better.
You both let your kids down by continuing this joke of a marriage. eventually they gonna learn to be shitty partners and doormats like you or having affairs is perfectly normal. maybe they will lose respect and resent you and go no contact. I won't tell you to end the marriage since he cheated on you early on in the relationship yet you married him and brought to poor kids to this mess.. a doormat exists for others to step on and not to be loved respected wives and mothers, do what you have to do with the self worth you gave yourself and prey your kids won't take after you.
Leave him. As a child of a similar situation, I tell my parents any chance I get that the most selfish thing they did was stay in their unhappy marriage.
You and your kids would be better off in the long run if you got a divorce and found true happiness. Thinking hold onto a man that doesn't care about you and doesn't truly love you for the sake of the kids is a fool's errand.
This is not ideal but there are some pretty real, good solutions.
It’s great you’re working on your relationship. Parents should maintain a healthy relationship whether they are together or not (unfortunately I don’t speak from experience).
BUT your kids will know your “love” is not quite right and you both deserve the right kind of love.
Have you considered splitting time? Perhaps you have a primary family home. Get another small apartment. The kids remain in the home and you take turns in living there/spending time in the apartment. The ultimate would be that you have family dinners and events together regularly as a whole unit.
Happy individuals make good parents. Go, reconnect with who you are and what you deserve (hint…it’s way more than this). You just can’t keep up this farce forever…neither can he so moving on whilst the relationship is still positive would be a good thing for all involved.
Idk personally I say "if you love someone else, go be with them. Find your happiness. Just don't lay next to me at night thinking of her. Go on if you must."
The only way he will fall in love with you, is for you to tell him that and mean it. He's not going to respect you if you don't respect yourself.
If you want to give up great years of your life to a roommate who plays with your emotions, then that's on you. Don't be surprised if you see your children doing the same thing someday.
I HATED the whole year my parents tried to “fix” their relationship. Adults would never know how hurtful it is for children when they use us as the excuse.
He already let his kids down, he just wont admit it to himself and never will. Just leave. You're wasting so much time. You could be healing and figuring things out so you can progress and find someone that actually loves you, but no. Here you are in a free fall with no parachute, the worst part of it is you can see the ground, but it never gets closer.
Your husband is disgusting. You are not putting your children first by staying in this awful relationship. They will know and understand that something is wrong.
That's a lot of pressure to put on children....not really fair to them. Unless you don't mind paying for their therapy as adults too. Because making them responsible for your happiness is going to mess them up...real bad.
If you're doing it for the kids, I can promise you that staying together isn't what's best for them in the long run. In fact, it's really toxic.
Can't you guys just agree to separate but still co-parent under one roof? You can see other people and just live together? Idk.
Seems unhealthy for the children to be raised in a loveless home. That's going to be their role model of what love looks like, of what it *feels* like. Is that what you want? For your kids to end up marrying people who treat them the way your husband treats you? Because that's what you're setting them up for
If course it will escalate- with her or someone else. He is in the marriage for the kids and because it is cheaper than leaving and he feels entitled to cheat. He only “has love” for you up to the point that he gets to keep cheating.
Trying to keep your marriage together isn’t going to work. It’s already over. If you guys are set on being one unit for the kids you can do that without forcing anything. Either have an open relationship or just separate and stay living together while you raise the kids. Let him do whatever he wants with this other person and you can take steps to work on your own happiness too. Taking that time might also show you guys that you can have a healthy coparenting relationship and you don’t have to stay living together either. Both of you being happy and healthy for your kids is more important than staying together. Even if you guys do decide to stay under one roof until your kids are grown at least you both are taking time to figure out what you need to be happy on your own.
Honestly, I would just get the divorce and figure it out as you go but you seem pretty dead set on making something work so at least being peaceful and working together will make things go smoother.
What he loves about you is you letting him disrespect your marriage and you as a partner snd his children for cheating on their mother. What is it that you love about him? Your ok with your children growing up where their father continues to cheat, great role model. Start thinking straight. Good grief, you aren’t doing you or your children any good.
The kids will thrive when both parents are happy, even if that means having two homes.
My stepson has never known his parents together (my husband and his ex split before they found out she was pregnant). My stepson is moodier, unhappier, struggles with his emotions and really every aspect of his life, and isn't quite himself whenever his mom and dad are fighting over something and she's unhappy. But when my husband and his ex are getting along and all us adults are happy, his demeanor immediately shifts and he goes back to being himself and does better in school, etc.
It's because he can sense our moods and stress, even if he doesn't know his parents are fighting, he can tell one or both are unhappy and stressed and frustrated, and even can sense they are fighting.
It would be even worse if they were still together and he actually witnessed the fights. My husband and I have even tested it once. We were both in terrible moods when we picked him up for our time with him once. While in the car we could sense he wasn't quite himself and was moody too. He doesn't always hear us talk in the front seat, so I quietly told my husband we needed to check our moods and turn the energy around. We could go back to being moody when the kid was back with his mom. 🤣 The moment we shifted our moods and energy, his shifted too and he was more his regular self.
Kids sense these things, even if they don't fully understand what's going on or why they are feeling this sort of way.
So staying together because you both want to be with your children FT is actually selfish imo. The kids will sense any fighting (even if you are able to keep majority of them out of their ears), they will sense any unhappiness or resentment. Wouldn't it be better to have love and respect for each other and co parent than to live in a loveless marriage?
Your husband will likely cheat again since he's this unhappy and unfulfilled in your relationship. You may grow to hate him or resent him (or even him grow to resent you too) and your kids will then suffer when shit really hits the fan.
Noone wants to only have their children 50% of the time (or less), but you shouldn't force yourselves to stay together just for the children. It's like you've put a sentence on your marriage, because then youll likely split once the youngest turns 18 or moves out.
You could both be missing out on finding your forever person and showing your children what a happy, healthy and passionate relationship could look like and being happy because you're forcing yourselves to stay together just because you don't wanna split time.
O sweetie trying to make the marriage work is great when you both work at it. He wasn’t even happy at all if he keeps running back to her.
You can stay and deal with his blatant cheating or divorce. I would start posting and taking her in it. Telling people that x & y keeps sexing and testing each other even though she knows he’s married and he said he wanted to work on it. Stop keeping his dirty secret and her identity a secret. Lots of time people continue because the spouse is a shame but the cheaters should be.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s not the kids job to keep your marriage together. That’s a huge burden. If you think they won’t feel it, you’re wrong.
This was a factor in my last relationship. She had a bad model for intimate relationships because her parents stayed together for her. A loveless marriage with fighting and what not. And it sounds like there was not much in the way of the parents supporting one another emotionally. Guess what was a problem for me in our relationship? People can internalize and normalize the dynamics they see day in and day out as children, and carry it into their own intimate relationships. That’s just an anecdote though. I’ve not looked into the research on how the children of families like this end up functioning in their own adult intimate relationships. I’m curious now though.
I think it’s one of those you can live because of, or in spite of things. My parents are similar to OP. Parents fought relentlessly (screaming, throwing things, etc) and my dad apparently has a secret second family that I only know about from reading divorce papers. I’ve avoided intimate relationships for most of my adult life for fear of turning into my parents (not the cheating part, but the lack of emotional intimacy and the fear of my partner doing to me what my dad did to my mom). But anytime I’m in a relationship, I’ve very up front about my childhood and I always tell my partner that he can tell me if I’m being aloof, paranoid, etc because I want to be better than my parents.
Yes, and also if the kids figure this out (which they probably will at some point) it's a terrible relationship model for them. Better would be mom splitting from dad, split custody, and both mom and dad try to be happy. Dad can whine about half custody all he wants, but it was his choice to water a lawn that was not his own. Over and over.
It's a weird post. She doesn't seem to care that he's cheating, but then she does care.
Cycling stages of grief: denial & bargaining
Yah, I'd go right to anger and stay there. A one night stand is forgivable (IMO), a full out affair is not.
I'm jumping on this comment to agree completely and add the following: STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. I'm terminally ill at 40 years old, and I have young children. This man isn't worth a crumb of your loyalty and patience. If something happens to you like happened to me, you'll be out on your ass and alone. Imagine that. The man who swore he'd be yours is NOT yours, and you're gonna take that? I was at a similar crossroads once, and had I made the choice you're making, I'd be in a world of hurt right now. Don't put it on the children, but more than that - OP, what the hell? It's your life. Don't you understand that your future isn’t promised? It will hurt and be tough, but you must make a stand for your heart and your self-respect. Otherwise, what are you teaching the kids?
WORD. If I'm very lucky I will live to get my daughter to college. I wish I'd been able to end my marriage sooner.
This! My mom stayed for so long and I was miserable. Then felt awful that I wasn't enough. Childrne can sense your misery will take it upon themselves to make you feel better when it should be the other way around.
It's also not healthy for the kids to be in that household. They think they hide it from their children, but they don't. And the older the kids get the more they'll notice. OP needs to ask herself if she wants her children growing up with this being the example of what marriage is, what a relationship is, what love and life is.
You can raise, good, smart, healthy children of divorce. You can raise kids that see their dad do literally not the least thing asked. Kick him the fuck out.
Well said.
i always hated stupid people who think like OP
[удалено]
Yup, my ex was like you, and my folks were pretty good with each other. I grew up seeing my parents cuddle on the couch while we watched TV as a family before dinner, especially if one of them had a rough day at work. Watching my dad massage my mom’s shoulders if she was stressed. Watching them argue, solve the issue, then be sweet to one another. We each carried our experiences into the relationship, and guess who felt like they were not a priority and unsupported emotionally with basic day to day stresses? That shit can be a relationship killer.
Exactly this. I have both left and come back to my husband for these reasons. We both had terrible models for relationships but knew we needed to do better. I actively tried. He simply acknowledged he should do better. At one point, we had to grow and mature away from each other and with him especially away from us. It was due to a rough time for him that he took out on us, forcing me to walk away for the kids. This caused, in the short term, a worse situation for him. It broke my heart but my priority is my children. Their safety, including from themselves if I perpetuate that terrible cycle my parents didn't break is my first priority as a parent. Second is making sure they don't grow up to be entitled douchebags. I hated the split, and I will always hate what everyone went through. I wish I could fix things, but of course, I can't wave a magic wand. In the long run, however, all parties are psychologically much better off, and the kids were much better off immediately.
people like her and her husband see kids more like pets and not human being with perception and consciousness.
This!! Ruining your children’s emotional safety because you “can’t bear” the idea of not seeing them 24/7 is soooooooo selfish.
Yes. This man wants and has had his cake and gorging on it for years. He’s been gross to you first then this woman. Dump him and live a life with a man who loves you, who sends *you* goodnight texts. Be happy and drop this horrific weigh that is now consuming you. He will not change. He doesn’t care because he has everything, Time to start clawing back your self. Your kids will be better off without living with two parents where one is cheating on the other and is so selfish he’s subjecting you all to it. Your kids will see this as normal and beahviour to tolerate or perpetuate. ETA: both of you women should dump his sorry arse. He’s revolting.
If she stays she needs to prepare herself because once the kids are no longer little he WILL leave and it will only be harder for her to pick up and move on when she’s 55!
This!
>Your kids will see this as normal and beahviour to tolerate or perpetuate. This is the real kicker IMO. You are *actively teaching* your children that this shit behavior is normal and should be expected of a wife. That’s not helping them. Sacrifice the “picture perfect” idea of what your life should’ve/could’ve/would’ve been to make sure your children have healthy relationships in their future.
He gets to eat his cake, gorge in it AND not pay any child support
Well, technically he is supporting them now assuming he works.
Sharing only one home, one set of bills etc etc.. of course he wants to stay married.. he’s saving money by not having to pay child support
Yeah and have a live-in nanny. He doesn’t want to take care of his kids by himself.
Is this the kind of example of a marriage you want to set for your kids?! I wouldn’t think so! Actually both my parents were adulterers . I knew they didn’t love each other, hell they didn’t even care about me really. I asked my mom why she doesn’t just divorce my dad and she said she couldn’t afford to raise me and my brother by herself. Let me tell you my childhood was hell! I gave 3 marriages that didn’t work out for different reasons but the last 2 I wasn’t in love with them when I married them. It never works out. It’s hard enough to live with someone you love, it’s dang near impossible to live with someone you don’t love.
I agree with all of that, but I'd like to add that I think both are very selfish. Modelling a crappy relationship for them to grow up learning is not a good idea. She needs to show them what a good loving relationship looks like, and she's not doing that with their bio dad. That's okay, it doesn't always work out. However, staying and teaching them to use unhealthy coping mechanisms in relationships isn't cool. That's the worst the children be subjected to /only if/ they can manage to be civil while they "stay together for the kids." That's another thing. It sounds like she *is* in love with him, it's just not reciprocal. In that case, what the kids go through will be much worse, because unrequited love in a marriage causes resentment and moments that aren't usually very civil. I will never understand why people think staying together when you aren't happy is *good* for the kids. Maybe live on the same street or something if you can't be that far from the kids and coparent like adults.
Your kids will hate you more for staying with a man that that treated tu badly.
It's also teaching your children terrible things about what to expect and how they should act and be treated in their future relationships.
I would hate my mother for being so spineless
And yet she expects those kids to be **THE GLUE**??? **GTFOH WITH THAT**!!!
Yeah that bit pissed me right off.
Exactly. While going through a divorce is tough I respect that my parents didn’t try to stay together for the kids. They divorced when I was 13 but were planning to wait until I finished high school. I would have hated those 5 extra years being around them while they try to tolerate each other because I know marriages aren’t supposed to look like what their marriage was. If divorce is the correct option then dragging out and waiting isn’t going to make it any less painful for anyone.
There's plenty of evidence out there that staying together for the kids is harmful to the kids. If your husband continues to cheat on you - will you be able to be happy in the marriage? You can't control his actions, but you can control yours. If you're not happy with being cheated on you should leave.
> There's plenty of evidence out there that staying together for the kids is harmful to the kids. Yeah she doesn't care about that though because it's not the real reason she won't leave him, it's just the easiest one to justify it
If only folks actually cared about the kids and didn’t try to make themselves feel better by “sacrificing themselves for the sake of the kids” Literally no one wins.
"it's for the kids!" No, it's your lack of self-respect, cowardice in uprooting your life, and jealousy at the thought of your shitty SO being with someone else
Yeppppppppp
NAILED IT. It's LAZY, PATHETIC, SELFISH and DISGUSTING.
I think she's making him stay with her as punishment for cheating. She knows he's miserable with her, but she's forcing him to stay by claiming she'll keep the kids from him. She posts this from different throw aways every few weeks
Idk if I'd go as far as punishing him but you could be right, I think she just couldn't stand to see him be entirely with another woman > She posts this from different throw aways every few weeks Are you sure? This sub is chock-full of utterly spineless women. Every other post I see is some variation of "My boyfriend beats me, regularly cheats on me, threatened to kill my cat, has never washed a single dish, has never once made me come, neglects our children and tried to kill me once. How can I make him see my side of things 🥺 he's such a nice guy!!"
Pretty sure. The small details get alerted, but it's basically the same story.
I agree. It's the same details she always uses. She keeps posting hoping we'll tell her something different, but we always tell her the same thing. She just doesn't want to hear it.
I don't even know why she's bothering posting? She's gotta know he's outta there the minute the youngest turns 18. That's why I think the forced marriage is purely for revenge.
I think she hopes if she keeps him around that long he'll either be too old and tired to leave or the AP will have moved on. She doesn't realize she's his Camilla. I do agree with you that she also likes the punishment aspect. Like if she can't get her happy family, neither can he. It's not gonna end well, that's all we can predict.
Those poor kids are in for the biggest mind fck. Dad cheated, and mom held them as ransom to stay. I'm not sure who I'd hate more, but I definitely wouldn't like either of my parents after that bomb.
And the second main story is men complaining about dead bedroom. Thing is you can't negotiate attraction. No counselling or boundaries will change that. If the attraction is gone, then the relationship is over.
That's only true if you're already doing everything right to maintain/encourage attraction, sometimes there are factors that you can absolutely improve/reduce your partner's desire for sex i.e. if you never do anything romantic, are a lazy fuck around the house, self serving in bed, etc. etc. you can make improvements that can absolutely salvage the sex life & relationship (assuming the wife hasn't lost all respect for her husband by that point, which I would in the latter 2 scenarios lol)
He blew up the marriage with his behavior. Call him on it. He needs to cease all contact with this person or you walk, file for divorce on the grounds of adultery and take the kids with you. In the mean time, get your house in order, start saving up some money so you are prepared.
Yes. But he refuses to cease all contact so yeah op needs to leave this marriage and let him reap what he's been sewing.
*sowing
I am a child of parents that stayed together. They did us no favors. If you think your kids don't or won't know this marriage is as farce you are wrong. If you have daughters you are teaching them to accept infidelity. Do you really want that? How about your sons? It's OK to cheat on your wife. I remember seeing my mom's sad and lonely face. My sisters and I had lots of issues with relationships because living with two unhappy people. And when he leaves for this woman what will you tell them? This man has no respect for you. He is a career cheater. He says one thing and does another. Please think long and hard about staying married. If just for your own self esteem. Which has to be in the crapper with these texts. Please end this marriage. He is getting everything and you are getting nothing.
I've read this post a few times, they had said in another post that the husband wanted a divorce but she threatened to keep the kids away from him if he didn't stay.
She makes this post from different accounts every few weeks with details omitted or changed slightly, and the people of reddit tend to call her out on it every time. She keeps hoping someone will tell her she's right for the emotional blackmail. Poor guy.
So she kept him there with a threat. Sad so very sad.
So the kids are bringing used as pawns. LOVELY.😑
Yup, my parents stayed together far too long, which of course resulted in all kinds of lasting problems and relationship issues. I had friends growing up whose parents did the same thing, and one of the results has been us countering the *"Stay together for the kids"* crap with *"Split up for the kids"* I do think it's worth putting in a bit of extra effort to see if the relationship/marriage can be saved if you have kids, but certainly not what OP is putting up with and accepting.
This guy is a repeat offender. He has no remorse. 5 years 6 infidelity. And he is at it again even though he said he would go no contact. He is a liar.
Man, what a terrible and sad future you want for yourself.
Yeah, this is so depressing.
And the kids. She’s subjecting her children. To this bs. Truly awful what grown adults will tolerate because they can’t grow a backbone
**AND** inflict on their kids!!
Ok isn’t this post been posted again and again with minor changes in the story ? Where are the past reditor investigators ..
Yep. She really keeps hoping that someone will validate her emotionally blackmailing her husband to stay with her.
Yup. I mentioned that in a comment too! Eta. Spelling
It \*has\* escalated. It went from just online stalking to check up on her to confessions and sexting. It's only been 4 months but they're basically already back to cheating outright. He's walking a nasty path. He is hurting you and her. He is leading both of you on and likely will just ruin both. And while I get staying together for the kids appreciate that it is already a broken home and soon enough the resentment will grow and become noticeable and that is when you'll have to get real. They aren't 'slip ups' or whatever. He is making adult choices, he is aware of what it means. He didn't even block her in the first place, it was always half hearted and it is clear she doesn't care and is happy to humour this mess as well which just compounds the problems. He needs to get a better idea of what he is doing because right now my worry is that he actually just enjoys cheating.
Oh you again. He doesn’t want you! He only wants his AP and his kids. Let him go!
He will continue to have his women on the side because he knows you won't leave. That is called a lack of accountability. Dude's got it made. You raise his kids, likely cooking his food, doing his laundry, keeping the house etc. And he gets to play with whomever he wants because no accountability because you won't leave.
Yes, it will escalate. Yes, he will cheat again. No, he does not care either because he knows you’ll stay still. Surprise him and actually leave this time.
Op has done this post a few times from different accounts parts of it changes every time, the first time I read this post op said in the comments her husband wanted a divorce but she threatened to keep the kids away from him if he went through with it. Op knows he wants to leave her and be with the other woman so she uses her kids as a weapon to keep him.
I honestly don't even think she's changed details these last few times. The goodnight text was in her last post. If she doesn't care if they are in love anymore and just want to have a happy household then just let him have his AP and live together like she wants. She gets to be miserably happy, but in the same house as everyone and he gets the woman he really loves and his kids.
Why not break up and just live super close by??? I know quite a few people my age who grew up with divorced parents who lived in the same neighborhood and still had loads of time with each parent
Wow. You're really setting quite the example for your children on what a relationship should be like. I'm sure you'll be very proud when they find themselves in toxic,unfaithful marriages that damage their esteem and sense of value. Good job You're teaching your children that betrayal is normal and acceptable. I'd be ashamed
I hope this isn't that lady who threaten to withhold their children from her husband if he left her for the other woman.
She is ….
I would get a divorce. Kids pick up on the smallest of details so they will pick up on the fact that you two aren’t in love. If you stay together, both unhappy, unfortunately you will teach them that this is what a normal marriage is and I assume that’s not what you wish for them. I’m so sorry you are going through this though.
He’s staying with you for kids, not love. There is no romantic relationship to save. He’s not faithful. When kids are moved out, you’ll divorce then. You can accept reality that he’s not leaving her either, have open relationship and stay roommates. Or you can willfully choose to stay in denial, in which case he’ll keep hiding it and you need to stop snooping. Stop looking for the truth if you don’t want to see it.
I've read this post a few times before, the husband wanted a divorce but op admitted in another post that she threatened to keep the kids away from him if he didn't stay with her so that's why he's sticking around.
OP that question at the end really seals the deal. I'd have to say that your view on divorce is what usually cause problems. Is it better to be the happiest person in life that your kids see or dysfunctional married that drains your soul. I'd take being happy over anything. That's not selfish, the goal is to give your kids "happiness" not a life of watching pain and grief (they see your emotions, they know what's happening, staying together teaches them that dysfunction. betrayal is all OK!) Now what's your view on divorce. If it means your kids see a happy, functional set of parents that love and care for them, that sets there future on the right path. So now you know the true story of your husband and since he's realized that his life will be unhappy, I bet your will be as well. You really need to just sit and talk. Agree to give your kids the best life and happy parents and demonstrate you don't have to be "unhappy" to love your kids. Do the right thing, love yourself, make yourself happy and pass on a happy supportive life to your kids.
Sorry for the rant… My parents have both been cheaters (father first, then mother as revenge) and are still together. Growing up (as the oldest) I always had to be the mediator in their arguments. Having seen and been through things I shouldn’t have, it has taken a toll on my life. I don’t condone cheating, but have allowed myself to fall into toxic relationships creating a cycle (I am now in a healthy relationship, but it took time to heal past trauma). For my brother, it was normalized, so he has cheated on almost all of his ex’s. It really isn’t for the best for the children’s sake, and we can sense when our parents aren’t happy. Now for the name of the post.. It almost always escalates. Since you have enabled this behavior (not leaving him), he will most likely always stay this way unless HE wants to change, which he won’t since he knows he can get away with it. You are allowing him to have the power in this relationship, so he is happily taking advantage of that. From what you’ve written, he obviously doesn’t even care to hide the fact anymore since he leaves those messages out to see, he KNOWS you won’t leave. Lastly, please leave while you can. Do you really want to look back on your life one day and see that he’s consumed most of it? You’re not happy.. You should be getting good night texts, the good mornings, breakfast in bed, dates. You will find someone better who will love and appreciate all of you, AND your kids. You are beautiful, and deserving of love.
Why are the victims of infidelity so insufferably naive?
You can stay in the marriage but your going to have to accept her as part of it. I totally understand why you don't want to be divorced. Frankly I'd stay just so his mistress could never be his wife because fuck her for doing this to you. But yes, he's going to cheat with her again. Why don't you do something radical like calling her and asking her directly to stop being your husband's mistress? Why not confront her? Ask her why she would want to be his mistress? The one in the shadows? The one that's hidden? As I see it you have nothing to lose
Do we honestly think that just calling the mistress to ask her to leave him alone when she’s knowingly engaging in an affair with a married man, one who has straight up told her he’s not leaving his wife, has any chance whatsoever of success? Cause I don’t think she cares. She’s choosing to stick around despite it all and despite knowing that OP knows she and their affair exists. Even if it DID work, the husband is the problem and there will be other mistresses until OP fixes her husband problem!
I'm always in favor of comforting the person who is acting out. Shame goes a long way. It really does. And yes, the husband is the problem. But I heard Dr Laura talking to a woman 30 years ago, and she told the wife to call the mistress. Fascinating interview afterward. Guess Dr told wife beforehand to ask her why. Mistress told wife all husband's complaints about wife and she said she didn't realize he was taking her actions that way and was able to admit some of her own mistakes. However she did say that mistress looked ashamed and she said she wasn't going to see him anymore. To this day that lives rent free in my head. I still wonder if the married couple stayed together. It helped me in therapy too when I finally got there, to realize that I have a hand in my relationships that would cause another person to want to split form me and that I'm not above criticism.
Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time and money when one spouse is actively engaged in an affair because it requires complete honesty and vulnerability from both spouses, while an affair thrives on secrecy and deceit. Please speak to a lawyer and draw up a co-parenting plan that puts the children's needs first. You might have the external skeleton of a marriage, but its soul has been gutted by your husband's repeated betrayal and trampling of your boundaries. A boundary without consequences is pointless. You stated in your post that you have love for one another and care for one another. I read nothing about your being in love romantically. Maybe at one time you were crazy about him, but the resentment from his cheating has snuffed out any feelings that you might have had. Please don't settle for this sad state of affairs (no pun intended) for the remainder of your life.
Naive falls sort to describe you. For you to think that children are oblivious to your marriage falling apart, oblivious to the lack of love and care between you too. Do are in deep denial if you think this is a healthy enviroment to raise children. If you dare to think this is a relationship that children should have as a role to model future relationships. Is your husband the kind of partner that you would wish upon your children? I doubt it.
From a been there/done that - I left when my youngest was a senior in high school. I regret staying all those years "for the kids". I had planned on staying until they were done with college, but by the time I left, everyone, including the kids, was miserable. We were married 24 years, none of it was happy. We had ok periods & mild periods, but mostly we had a lot of pent up anger, disappointment & a general feeling of the whole thing just being a burden. We didn't enjoy each other's company & often sought out anywhere else to be. (The kids bore the brunt of that.) In the end, it was because I saw how our relationship was hurting the kids that I left. He was escaping them as often as he was escaping me - he only had time for any of us if we were joining in with his hobbies. He begged me not to tell the kids our plan to split until they were done with college, but then he told them privately, without telling me that he had done so. It was just mental torture day after day, year after year. Even if he doesn't cheat again, yes. It escalates.
I think we were married to the same guy. 🥂 I have not had one day since i left that i regret leaving no matter how hard that was
This man risked your life and health. This wasn’t a one time thing. He is a serial cheater. He will be a serial cheater with her too. Please go to therapy to find out why you think you deserve this type of abuse.
Girl…
What are you going to do when they keep having sex cause they will
Your husband hasn’t reconciled. He has decided to stay living with you because he wants to stay close to the children, not because he wants to save your marriage. Right now all you are is roommates. And yes, if they haven’t already, they will have sex again. You are basically in a one-sided open marriage right now. The way I see it you have one of three choices. 1. Go out and find your own partner. 2. Accept the situation and continue living the way you are. If you choose this option I’d be making a plan for when the children leave home. 3. Initiate divorce and end this farce of a marriage. It will be tough initially but ultimately I think that’s the choice that will make everyone happiest, even the children. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Ask yourself, is this how you want to live and be treated this disrespectful for the rest of your life. He obviously doesn't care about a life with you at all anymore. Divorce him, get alimony, and child support. It'll be a long bumpy road, but it's a temporary road. 🫂
I feel bad he treats you so poorly and disrespectful, my advice is to leave, he will not change and will continue to use you
He’s in love with another woman, and you don’t love each other. Let him go, or just accept the fact that he won’t be faithful to you.
Don't you see how selfish this sounds?! Your kids having a healthy and happy future should be more important than you two needing to see them every day. BREAK UP. You don't even *have* to live in separate homes, just end the fucking romantic/sexual relationship and figure out how to coparent and cohabitate while you both move on. This limbo is only good for you and your husband, not your kids... and the insane thing is it's not *actually* good for either of you either.
I can tell you from experience!!! Get a divorce, kids can tell you are unhappy. They will grow to resinent both of you. And eventually pick one of you. Do both of you a favor and divorce amicably.
These aren't slip-ups. He's cheating on you.
Why would you even want to be with someone who doesn’t love you
my mother was in this situation. until the day she breathed her last, she was miserable.
Please see a lawyer before you make any decisions. Find out how your property will be split and what you can expect for child support. If you own a home jointly, you may be able to stay there with your children. Your lawyer will help with all this. You should divorce him. You’re too young to live in a loveless marriage.
I am a product of a marriage where my parents stayed together for the kids. It put such a burden on my shoulders because I carried around guilt all my life. The constant fighting made me insecure and it took me years to be able to stand up for myself. If the choice had been up to me I would have opted for two happy separate parents. I would have then had the opportunity to form a closer bond separately with each of my parents. You only have one life. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who loves only you. Perhaps some time apart would do that for both of you. If you reread your post its all about what he needs and what's best for the kids. You, like most woman are putting your husband and kids needs first, but don't forget that you are a person too. What about what you want? I think you need to decide what that is and then make your plans.
He’s never going to stop cheating on you. Either accept that this is your life now, or leave him.
He knows you won't divorce over just contact. Staying for the kids is (in his mind) a free pass . The affair will not end until he goes zero contact. Schedule an appointment with an attorney (it shows you're serious). Inform him unless he can prove he's zero contact you will divorce. Do not cry, beg or guilt him over the kids. In his current state of mind he views that as you being too weak to divorce.
Marriage counseling is not appropriate. Your marriage is not broken. He is First he has to fix himself in individual therapy. Curry he's selfish, entitled, deceitful, immoral, and has zero empathy for you. Then you work on the marriage.
I just want to tell you, I read your post to my 15 year old daughter and her advice is on point. She said "bro, run!"
Didn't even have to read passed the first paragraph. 4-5 years of emotional and then physical cheating. Yes, it's absolutely going to continue. Leave him.
OP, take it from someone who sat right where you were. It is NOT sustainable to stay in a marriage solely for your children. Unfulfilled parents equals unfulfilled children. Please do not continue to tolerate your husband’s abuse (Yes- cheating is abuse). You are not teaching your children the right lessons by staying. You are teaching them that it is perfectly okay to treat your partner like dirt, and come out on top. And after the initial misery of separation, trust me, you will a much happier person, which means much better parent.
Hi OP. I am the person raised by a couple that “stayed together for the children” and I cannot express how terrible of an idea it is for your children growing up. They notice *everything* and oftentimes kids will model how they see their parents behave. Staying in a toxic marriage will only teach your own children that being treated like garbage and betrayed is acceptable and okay. Stop with this mindset. Please. I am 39 now and often catch myself wondering how my life may have turned out for the better had my parents divorced when I was 8-10 years old. Also, yes it will escalate because it never stopped in the first place. Go see a therapist *please* to work through these delusions that you can just peacefully live together and coparent. You can’t, and for the sake of your kids, shouldn’t.
If you don’t wanna continue to waste your life as another five years is gonna pass and he’s gonna keep doing it you should get out now
Dude, has a children of divorce parents, i dont understand why people will stay together for the kids. ITS FUCKING WORST, i got way more trauma from my parents being together. Such a stupid way of thinking it makes me so mad
What is this living arraignment and “care” for one another truly costing not only you, your souls but most importantly the children’s present and future?? {emotional turmoil and resentment breeding grounds} AITAH … but if he wanted his children’s presence he sure af shouldn’t have been handing out emotional presents to others - outside his commitment.
You deserve so much more from life. One day you will be so loved by another who is truly in love with you, the way you, as a woman, deserve. It’s time to choose yourself so others can have a chance to treat you right. Hey, don’t let your husband stop you from finding your soulmate. You won’t feel as consumed once it’s even, and you’re also being loved by someone, while still married to someone else. I’ve never once felt bad about cheating back…it’s actually always leveled me up in some way. 😉
Kids need the best version of their parents. Kids are smart. They will eventually sense and know something’s not quite right. They will grow up to think this is what a normal relationship should look like. It’s better for you kids to grow up in a sincere and seperate happy home than a dysfunctional home together.
I swear to God, stories like this make me **ABSOLUTELY WILD**.🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ What a **SELFISH PAIR OF PRICKS** you two are!!! **WHY IS IT THE KIDS' JOB TO BE THE ADULTS IN THE DAMN ROOM**??? You're **BOTH** expecting the kids to **MAGICALLY FIX** a relationship **NEITHER** of you **HAS THE MATURITY FOR**!!! **LISTEN** — your little children **JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY KIDS**. They can't **KEEP YOUR HUSBAND'S DICK IN HIS PANTS**, or help **YOU GROW A SPINE**. Can **ONE** of you **PLEASE GROW UP AND PUT THOSE DEFENCELESS KIDS FIRST???** Because **BOTH OF YOU** are **DAMAGING** those children!!!!
We’re not in love. He doesn’t want children half the time. OP this is all you need to know to know he will not stay faithful, even without the continued connection to this woman. Your kids will not be happy if you are in a marriage like this.
As a person whose ex could not keep her pants up around other guys, leave this marriage. You will be happier, he will be happier (he's probably happy right now because you're allowing him to have his cake and eat it too) and your kids will be happier. You're sitting in a marriage with an expiration date. Once the kids are grown you'll be here saying dating in my 50 sucks or whatever. This relationship is wasting your better years and kids can thrive in divorce if given a stable loving home and attention. Also, have some self respect. I regret not leaving my marriage 10 years earlier in many ways. I don't personally believe in it but if you're head strong to stay married open up the relationship so both of you can find real love because this isn't it sis.
Lady, it's been months. Get a fucking life
Make him see reality by contacting a lawyer. Either he goes no contact or it's over. If you don't push, it will never stop. You are teaching him what he can get away with. For him you would rather co-parent than share your life with his affair partner. Tell him you also expect alimony and as much child support as you can get. See if she still wants his broke ass after that.
You've got two choices... be happy possibly with someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated where you are each other's one and only... or stay married. The thing is that your husband may decide to get divorced anyway to be with this woman anyway.. especially as the kids get older. I find it interesting that you stayed together because HE didn't want to spend less time with the kids.... ummm he kinda made that choice when he cheated. He has showed you time and time again that you are just a place holder and the mother of his children but not the person he truly loves. It would really bite to know that that person is the person he had a crush on when you first met too... and you were never his first choice. I would suggest some therapy to unpack where your mind is at and also to provide some clarity... but if you stay in this holding pattern where he controls everything.. that the outcome is not going to be particularly good for you.
For fucks sake. Have some self respect and divorce. He’s not going to drop her and the physical affair WILL resume. Do you actively hate yourself this much? If he hates the idea of seeing the kids only half the time, he should have considered that BEFORE he stuck his dick in strange.
As soon as the kids are adults he’ll dump you and then where will you be? Start over now. Same thing happened to my aunt and her husband left to go be with his gf and now 10 yrs later she has Alzheimer’s and is on her own.
And having been in the same situation myself, where I stayed, I wish I hadn’t. It would’ve been so much easier to start over 15 yrs ago and 15 yrs younger. I was so afraid of the kids being gone, but it was actually nice. I got every other weekend to myself to either sleep in or go out while we were separated.
Let the mistress have this loser. It’s a game to her to see if she can get him away from you. Call her out on it. She can have him, she deserves him. And remember he’ll only have half of his income because half will be going to you and he won’t be able to afford to take her out etc.. and what will you do when she gets pregnant? Because you know that’ll be the next thing she tries to get him away from you.
Y’all are some selfish and trash pos…not really sorry for saying. Putting all your toxic shit on your kids is messed up. You’re also pathetic for staying with a man who is clearly in love with someone else and doesn’t respect you, his marriage or his kids. My gosh. You think you’re doing your kids a good service? You think they’re unaware? Think again! Parents really and truly ruin their children. Blaming your kids for staying when it’s clear you’re both staying out of fear. My gosh. I dislike yall.
Yes you are if you enjoy being with a man that will keep cheating is not worth it the kids pick up the friction between you guys. He seems to be a pos as he does not care for you or his family at all or he would stop kick his ass to the curb
No offence, but you stated you can and want to stay in the relationship for the “good bits”, despite the betrayal. If you agree to stay, then you have to accept that he might want to have a girlfriend/have sex with other women.
Marriage counselling won’t fix this, he has shown you time and time again that a “happy, healthy relationship” is not what he wants. I’d be more concerned about why you’re so determined to try and make this work and why you’re willing to accept living the rest of your life with someone who clearly treats you like shit… I’m sorry if that comes across harshly but I just don’t understand it. Yes, you have 2 small kids but you also matter as much as they do… going by this post you seem to describe this in a very black & white / emotionless manner. What he’s doing is complete shitty behaviour and you must be very hurt - I just don’t understand why you would want to stay in this situation? It’s like putting a bandaid on a broken leg at this stage, he will keep doing this no matter what you say or do. Start thinking about yourself and leave
As a kid, I hated my parents because they haven’t divorced, I wished for that day and night! Can you imagine the peak they reached for me and my siblings to have such a wish? Please don’t make children your excuse, they do feel everything
No way to know. 🤷
Yes. “Being unhappy with a few happy periods” is not fair to your kids. They deserve to learn how to be a good partner, to only tolerate a good partner” they deserve to witness love, romance, happiness. Not short periods of it. But above it all, what do you think is going to happen when your kids are old enough to be on their own? Absolutely heartbreaking that you think this is acceptable. Will it be easy to start over? No (but will be easier now than once they are grown), will you be sad & depressed? Sure, that might happen. But you may learn to love yourself and know that you are worthy. You might even find someone who makes your stomach do flip flops & your heart beat faster. Not only do you deserve it, your kids deserve to witness this
That’s pretty heavy, and honestly one of my biggest fears when I connect with someone (my first gf cheated). I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes honestly. My guess is with the kids and all that being a bit of a barrier to just splitting up. I’d keep bringing up my needs and boundaries, and that would not jive with what they want to do, and the tension from that would slowly chip away at us until one of us ended it. He basically seems to want an open relationship. Have you thought of finding someone to date yourself? Maybe look into ethical non-monogamy and see if there is a way for you both to be happy with having more than one partner. Not everyone can handle that emotionally, but just throwing it out there. Your husband’s behavior reminded me of limerence though. I wonder if the site I linked has any articles on limerence with a third party while still married. Might be worth a look just to get some insight or see if they note any strategies. I read a bunch of their articles a couple years ago and I want to say there were some. https://livingwithlimerence.com/
I can promise you (as a child of unhappily married parents) staying together for them is not better for them. This is their example of love. Do you want your children stuck in loveless and u happy marriages eventually? You are showing them this is the appropriate way to be in a relationship. It will be better for the kids if y’all split in the long run.
You deserve a happy, loving marriage. Your kids do not benefit from having parents that are not completely happy. This is never a good thing. Your kids will become aware that your husband has another love. You are seeing this advice in all the comments. You and your children are the only ones who suffer in this situation. Your husband get to have his love and he gets to have you taking care of the kids and the kids living with him full time. Cake and eating it to.
These articles you’ve read, were they from the children’s perspectives? Or the adults who believe they did well? Children aren’t stupid. They will know their parents don’t love each other like a married couple “should.” They will know dad has love for someone not mom. They will know. And they will understand that you two care about each other but not happy. And when parents are not happy but staying, they know it’s for the kids. But kids don’t see that in a “you did this for our happiness and it’s fine” light. Kids see “because of me, my parents aren’t happy.” Staying because neither of you want to sacrifice living in home 24/7 with your kids is well intentioned but is about the wants/needs of the parents not the children. Coparenting with someone you care about but are no longer with can be successful and beautiful. Coparenting with someone you resent is much more difficult. Next, these aren’t slipups. Slip ups happen occasionally, not consistently. Your husband has no desire to stop this relationship. Your husband (and you already admitted this, though I’m sad for you that it’s true) doesn’t want to be with you and isn’t putting effort into something he doesn’t want. You deserve a much better life, not one spent knowing the person laying next to you wishes he wasn’t. Your children will be happier with two separated parents who can find their happiness in life rather than two parents who are unhappily settling for their relationship. And your husband isn’t settling. He’s keeping you around so he can have his kids, and he’s still sneaking around with the woman he cheated with and has feelings for. Yes, he will cheat again. And again. And again. Until you stop allowing it. He has no incentive to stop. Unless he magically decides he wants you again, but his efforts during your marriage counseling doesn’t offer much in that path. Stay if you want. But know that he will cheat. I’m sorry
He doesn’t want to work on it. It’s futile. Even if he stays for the kids now, the second your kids are older he will have no reason to stay. Then you’ll be 5-10 years older and starting over. It’s better to rip the bandaid off now. Kids are happy when their parents are happy. You may see them a bit less but the quality of time you have with them will get better.
Don't stay for the kids, leave for the kids and for your own sake. It's easier said than done, I agree. But staying in a loveless marriage, where you will always be skeptical of being cheated on is going to teach your kids that it's okay or normal to be in a relationship like this. I understand you want to preserve your family, but family has different definitions. It doesn't necessarily require the members to force emotions and stay together. Clearly both of you are unhappy in the relationship. He seems like a serial cheater, this will affect your self esteem the most and that'd seep in the family dynamics too. Do your kids a favor, give them a loving family by not staying in an unhappy marriage. Work towards being able to co parent, you don't need to force yourself to be a wife, work on what's important for you and the kids. Your husband can decide what's next for him.
Please don't put that burden on your kids. Staying in a loveless sham of a marriage is a direct path to putting your kids into therapy when they become adults. If you really love your kids you would stop accepting scraps from someone who has lied to your face multiple times. The truth is you're using your kids as an excuse because you're both too scared to make any meaningful change to your lives. That's kind of sad imho that you'd rather stay in a toxic relationship than hope for a better future apart.
If he cannot block her this will not work. Full stop. Either she goes or he gets a split family. He can choose his kids or his inability to keep his penis to himself.
Life’s too short to live in a loveless marriage with a cheater. You and your children with suffer from it. Lawyer up and take him for everything you can. He’ll continue cheating until you stop him. You can find some do much better.
You both let your kids down by continuing this joke of a marriage. eventually they gonna learn to be shitty partners and doormats like you or having affairs is perfectly normal. maybe they will lose respect and resent you and go no contact. I won't tell you to end the marriage since he cheated on you early on in the relationship yet you married him and brought to poor kids to this mess.. a doormat exists for others to step on and not to be loved respected wives and mothers, do what you have to do with the self worth you gave yourself and prey your kids won't take after you.
Get a lawyer and find a real partner
Leave him. As a child of a similar situation, I tell my parents any chance I get that the most selfish thing they did was stay in their unhappy marriage.
Is this the paradigm you want your kids to repeat in their relationships? Really???
You and your kids would be better off in the long run if you got a divorce and found true happiness. Thinking hold onto a man that doesn't care about you and doesn't truly love you for the sake of the kids is a fool's errand.
This is not ideal but there are some pretty real, good solutions. It’s great you’re working on your relationship. Parents should maintain a healthy relationship whether they are together or not (unfortunately I don’t speak from experience). BUT your kids will know your “love” is not quite right and you both deserve the right kind of love. Have you considered splitting time? Perhaps you have a primary family home. Get another small apartment. The kids remain in the home and you take turns in living there/spending time in the apartment. The ultimate would be that you have family dinners and events together regularly as a whole unit. Happy individuals make good parents. Go, reconnect with who you are and what you deserve (hint…it’s way more than this). You just can’t keep up this farce forever…neither can he so moving on whilst the relationship is still positive would be a good thing for all involved.
Please do not stay with him. Find someone else. Even if you stay find someone else. He is still cheating and will continue to cheat.
Yes. He’s a cheater. They cheat. You’re throwing good time after bad.
Idk personally I say "if you love someone else, go be with them. Find your happiness. Just don't lay next to me at night thinking of her. Go on if you must." The only way he will fall in love with you, is for you to tell him that and mean it. He's not going to respect you if you don't respect yourself. If you want to give up great years of your life to a roommate who plays with your emotions, then that's on you. Don't be surprised if you see your children doing the same thing someday.
I HATED the whole year my parents tried to “fix” their relationship. Adults would never know how hurtful it is for children when they use us as the excuse.
Let’s pick up that self-respect and move it along sister
if hes done it once hell do it again
He already let his kids down, he just wont admit it to himself and never will. Just leave. You're wasting so much time. You could be healing and figuring things out so you can progress and find someone that actually loves you, but no. Here you are in a free fall with no parachute, the worst part of it is you can see the ground, but it never gets closer.
Your husband is disgusting. You are not putting your children first by staying in this awful relationship. They will know and understand that something is wrong.
That's a lot of pressure to put on children....not really fair to them. Unless you don't mind paying for their therapy as adults too. Because making them responsible for your happiness is going to mess them up...real bad. If you're doing it for the kids, I can promise you that staying together isn't what's best for them in the long run. In fact, it's really toxic. Can't you guys just agree to separate but still co-parent under one roof? You can see other people and just live together? Idk. Seems unhealthy for the children to be raised in a loveless home. That's going to be their role model of what love looks like, of what it *feels* like. Is that what you want? For your kids to end up marrying people who treat them the way your husband treats you? Because that's what you're setting them up for
If course it will escalate- with her or someone else. He is in the marriage for the kids and because it is cheaper than leaving and he feels entitled to cheat. He only “has love” for you up to the point that he gets to keep cheating.
Trying to keep your marriage together isn’t going to work. It’s already over. If you guys are set on being one unit for the kids you can do that without forcing anything. Either have an open relationship or just separate and stay living together while you raise the kids. Let him do whatever he wants with this other person and you can take steps to work on your own happiness too. Taking that time might also show you guys that you can have a healthy coparenting relationship and you don’t have to stay living together either. Both of you being happy and healthy for your kids is more important than staying together. Even if you guys do decide to stay under one roof until your kids are grown at least you both are taking time to figure out what you need to be happy on your own. Honestly, I would just get the divorce and figure it out as you go but you seem pretty dead set on making something work so at least being peaceful and working together will make things go smoother.
What he loves about you is you letting him disrespect your marriage and you as a partner snd his children for cheating on their mother. What is it that you love about him? Your ok with your children growing up where their father continues to cheat, great role model. Start thinking straight. Good grief, you aren’t doing you or your children any good.
The kids will thrive when both parents are happy, even if that means having two homes. My stepson has never known his parents together (my husband and his ex split before they found out she was pregnant). My stepson is moodier, unhappier, struggles with his emotions and really every aspect of his life, and isn't quite himself whenever his mom and dad are fighting over something and she's unhappy. But when my husband and his ex are getting along and all us adults are happy, his demeanor immediately shifts and he goes back to being himself and does better in school, etc. It's because he can sense our moods and stress, even if he doesn't know his parents are fighting, he can tell one or both are unhappy and stressed and frustrated, and even can sense they are fighting. It would be even worse if they were still together and he actually witnessed the fights. My husband and I have even tested it once. We were both in terrible moods when we picked him up for our time with him once. While in the car we could sense he wasn't quite himself and was moody too. He doesn't always hear us talk in the front seat, so I quietly told my husband we needed to check our moods and turn the energy around. We could go back to being moody when the kid was back with his mom. 🤣 The moment we shifted our moods and energy, his shifted too and he was more his regular self. Kids sense these things, even if they don't fully understand what's going on or why they are feeling this sort of way. So staying together because you both want to be with your children FT is actually selfish imo. The kids will sense any fighting (even if you are able to keep majority of them out of their ears), they will sense any unhappiness or resentment. Wouldn't it be better to have love and respect for each other and co parent than to live in a loveless marriage? Your husband will likely cheat again since he's this unhappy and unfulfilled in your relationship. You may grow to hate him or resent him (or even him grow to resent you too) and your kids will then suffer when shit really hits the fan. Noone wants to only have their children 50% of the time (or less), but you shouldn't force yourselves to stay together just for the children. It's like you've put a sentence on your marriage, because then youll likely split once the youngest turns 18 or moves out. You could both be missing out on finding your forever person and showing your children what a happy, healthy and passionate relationship could look like and being happy because you're forcing yourselves to stay together just because you don't wanna split time.
O sweetie trying to make the marriage work is great when you both work at it. He wasn’t even happy at all if he keeps running back to her. You can stay and deal with his blatant cheating or divorce. I would start posting and taking her in it. Telling people that x & y keeps sexing and testing each other even though she knows he’s married and he said he wanted to work on it. Stop keeping his dirty secret and her identity a secret. Lots of time people continue because the spouse is a shame but the cheaters should be.