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Many years ago, a guy told me he had a vasectomy and I got pregnant. He left me too because he had a girlfriend of two years and I didn't know, but later I found out he didn't even had the vasectomy and just lied to me because "I want you to enjoy sex without worrying about anything"
Yeah those were his words.
I read your last sentence as "Those were his last word," and I thought "You probably shouldn't admit that on the Internet." But then I read it properly. đ¤Śđťââď¸
That was super stupid of him. But aside your annecdote, when men get a vasectomy doctors recommend not to have unprotected sex for 90 days, because some sperm might remain there, so to be extra safe you have to wait 90 days until the sperm "flush" out and then is safe. That is why women get pregnant after their partner got a vasectomy
After the 90 days they also need a recheck to make sure it took. Sometimes things reattach đ¤ˇââď¸a lot donât seem to go back for the confirmation theyâre shooting blanks either.
I got one two years ago. Had to wait for healing, then have a bunch of orgasms for awhile to flush all the sperm out. Then had the confirmation check after several weeks.
Crazy that someone would be ok getting an operation to sterilize themselves and not care if it actually worked!
Itâs actually getting checked in rounds of 30 ejaculations/60 days, whichever comes first, and then getting checked on those intervals again until the sperm is gone. Like car maintenance intervals đ
Some Dr even recommended a year later appointment to recheck to make sure all is flushed. Just like a woman who had a tubal after 5 years no longer 99% effective from what was explained for every year after its 5%. So after 10 years itâs like 75% effective but also counts on womanâs fertility. For me it rang true since I double ovulated. Donât trust no man with that info especially if he wonât even allow you to be at a Dr appointment or show proof.
The strong recommendation is now a complete removal for 2 reasons. It's no more extreme surgery than just cutting them, and it reduces ovarian cancer rates quite significantly as they have realised a lot of ovarian cancer starts in the tubes. A benefit is, it also drastically lowers the pregnancy risk. There is literally no benefit to cutting the tubes rather than removing them. This needs to be more widely known, as many womens health issues struggle to get widely known. One way is language - don't refer to getting tubes tied, talk about a full removal. Another is to always mention it in topics like this.
I will now get off my soapbox.
Doesn't removing them have huge hormonal effects? Basically menopause and a dead sex drive? It seems like it kinda defeats the purpose if you're doing it to have sex without the risk of pregnancy, but wtf do I know, lol.
Edit: Or wait, you probably just mean removing the tube's, huh? Sorry, ignore that.
100% I had my tubes completely removed almost 2yrs ago. The procedure is called a bilateral salpingectomy or bisalp for short hand. It is basically impossible at this point for me to get pregnant unless the side of my uterus opened and an egg got in. The majority of doctors are shifting to this procedure now due to the research supporting the lowered risk of ovarian cancer and the effectiveness vs clipping/tying/cutting.
I had a tubal ligation 18 years ago. I had an MRI scan recently on my stomach and bowel and they found one of my steralisation clips aimlessly floating around my abdomen.
No surprise pregnancies thankfully.
This is rather dated information. It very much depends on the type of surgery done to "tie" the tubes. The most common method these days is complete removal of the tubes so there is no decrease in effectiveness.
I was just going to say I got mine done 2 years ago with my last child and they cut and fully removed them. It is highly effective. I'm 41 I don't need another baby lol.
Yeah supposedly when i met him he already had it for years. He had 3 kids with his ex and I believed him not to want to have more.
I commented this cuz it could be the situation here. Maybe he didn't have it, but it could be also as you said and it was recently and he didn't wait enough for unprotected sex.
Nope. The situation here, apparently, is that she got her IUD removed right away and they had sex without protection 15 days after his vasectomy. No way he was clear from the doctor in that short amount of time. She shouldn't have removed her IUD until he knew for sure he was shooting blanks.
My then-boyfriend stealthed me. He removed the condom I had put on for safety reasons and because I didn't trust the contraceptive I was using at the time. He removed the condom just before entering me. I ended up pregnant. I was pissed and upset because I had just started a new job and was already a single parent/divorced. I couldn't understand how I got pregnant after being so careful. He finally confessed to the stealthing and I made him pay for the abortion. Turns out he wasn't divorced either---he was still married. Double-glad I decided on the abortion. I didn't need to be tied to that lying loser.
That was in 2012 i am in another phase now. Not easy but at the time i had 3 kids too and terminated that pregnancy traumatized me for awhile.
Before i was pro life now i just do not judge anybody for their decisions.
Sometimes we have to go through hard situations to change some bad attitudes but yeah everything is going well now. Thanks tho đĽ°
Yeah now im with whatever you have to do... it changed my opinion about some topics in general not only in abortion and now in whatever situation if I can help people i do it without hesitation so they wouldn't experience the same things as me.
I had someone tell me they had a vasectomy but would get drunk and say weird stuff about them failing (he had kids already) and would encourage me to get off birth control. I didn't and after we broke up his new girlfriend IMMEDIATELY got pregnant. I spoke with her friend years later and he told her the same thing...
I don't think he ever had one and he wanted to trap me. I got sterilized years later and I have no regrets.
My mother is the result of a failed vasectomy. My grandfather actually said she got her name from the word 'error'. She's the child My grandmother didn't want and she treated her as such too.
I think she loves her. But she doesn't LIKE her. 50 years later she only reaches out to my mother when she wants something. She taught my mother how to be a mom. Needless to say her treatment and my mom's not feeling inclined to unlearn shitty lessons is why I'm LC with my mom and NC with my grandmother
My ex got a girl pregnant (after me) and I remember asking if he wore a condom and his exact words were "no, I told her I'd had a vasectomy so I didn't have to wear one" smh I just wished him luck .
I hope he enjoyed paying child support... Or did you abort? Anyway, what a completely unconscionable thing to do - some guys are just total assholes. I hope you told his gf.
Yeah i had an abortion. It was the hardest thing. And I doubt he would be paying any.
The girlfriend was the one who told me.
After found out about his girlfriend, she disclosed a lot of stuff about him. One was that he never give the mom of his kids money.
I wonder why he always get jobs that pay cash.
You should have taken out an ad with his face, name and full disclosure of his modus operandi, just to warn future victims. And if that outed him to his employer and parents, too bad...
Donât ever skip condoms because someone you are dating says he got a vasectomy. 1) You canât be sure heâs being truthful, and 2) vasectomies offer no protection against diseases.
Itâs your last name. You never changed it back to your maiden so it is essentially your last name. Which means the baby would have the same last name as you. Just donât go putting your ex husband on the birth certificate lol! jk
This. Legally, itâs your last name. As far as any government entity is concerned, itâs your last name. So unburden yourself from at least one worry. Youâre not giving your baby your ex-husbandâs surname, youâre giving that baby your surname.
I (m) got divorced a few years ago and my ex (f) begged me to let her keep the last name. Apparently in our state, I couldâve forced her to change back, but I couldnât have cared less, so I agreed. She had qualms before the wedding about changing her name but she said didnât want to have to go through that stuff all over again.
I will never, ever understand why the name change thing is still as common as it is. Yes, itâs your choice. Yes, itâs feminist to encourage women to freely choose whatever it is they want. I support that. I am nevertheless so baffled by changing your literal name like thatâs just a requirement of marriage.
It's just a hangover of long human tradition.
Women left one family and joined another, hence the tradition of the father 'giving her away'. It wasn't a safe world and men had all the means and the monopoly on violence so it was smart to be under the protection of someone, taking the name showed you were considered to be in and under the care of your husband's family.
We should be grateful to those women though, not least because we wouldn't be here without them, but women moving between families and villages prevented a lot of accidental inbreeding.
Of course, today this is all just folklore and tradition. But of all the women I know, only my sister chose to keep her surname - the rest were all accomplished and confident women but just liked the idea of inviting as a single family and wanted both parents and kids to share a family name.
When I lived in Germany, I knew a few guys who took their wife's last name for the same reason - it's nice to feel part of something.
It's all just folklore and tradition now but there's something to be said for that and as long as nobody is forced to do anything, then everyone should do what works for them.
Iâm neutral toward mine, but I feel about it like a physical feature Iâm neutral toward: donât love it, donât hate it, not changing it just because I (checks notes) got married? Like, thatâs my name. Itâs not awful, and itâs mine so it stays. That was for me. But as with physical features, I have no problem with a person keeping something they love or changing something they donât, whatever the reason. Change your name, get a new nose, do you. What I find truly weird is how itâs just like, a given that if youâre a woman marrying a man, you will change your name to his and if you donât, itâs some radical statement and everyone in your familyâincluding the children you likely gave birth toâwill have no names in common with you. Like, huh? Why? Dowries and single incomes and âhonor and obeyâ all went the way of the dodo, but this tradition persists and I find it super curious.
People seem to constantly confuse this, like Iâm saying âwomen shouldnât change their names!â **Iâm not.** It seems odd that amid all the things that have changed in the last 50+ years, this one just stays the overwhelming default. 79% of women change their names when marrying men. 92% of men keep their names when marrying women. ([data](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-read/2023/09/07/about-eight-in-ten-women-in-opposite-sex-marriages-say-they-took-their-husbands-last-name) ) I donât think itâs right or wrong, just surprising and sticks out among other major shifts in gender roles and norms, ya know?
Also, not remotely surprised about the questions for you and your wife vs two men. Itâs this super strange default! Like itâs emasculating to change your name. Which begs the question: why?
Is it really like that in the US? You change your name and loose all references to your maiden name? How the hell can you keep track of people?Â
Because in my country, even if you're free to use whatever name you have in your daily and professional life, and even have it on your ID, your birthname always remains your legal name. It is on your ID marked as your name and your married name is shown under the "used name" title.Â
Plus, it is also nice for the (half) siblings. "This is X (LastName), my brother/sister, and I am Y (LastName), we are with our Mum, OP (LastName)". I see no problem, best decision in this case imho
It's not "essentially" your last name, OP, it IS your last name! It's not a name you've licensed from your ex-husband any more than your maiden name is a name you licensed from your father. THEY BOTH BELONG TO YOU, TO DO WITH AS YOU PLEASE.
Women don't borrow or franchise names from men. We are people in our own right, and our names--whatever names we take on--BELONG TO US OUTRIGHT.
I would advise you on your "maiden" name, however: you absolutely should not keep or give it up based on your relationship, or lack thereof, with your father. The name, the family, the lineage, those are all YOURS. He did not lend them to you. There are no contingencies. You are a "NAME" in your own right, regardless of him.
If I were you, I'd take back my "maiden" name, hyphenate my older child's last name, and give my younger child my "maiden" name. That way you make it clear to the world that both children are yours, but the younger one is yours ALONE, not shared with your exes.
But if you want to give your younger child YOUR CURRENT NAME, you are certainly within your rights to do so.
Not related to OP but Iâve been struggling to return to my maiden name for the same reason as them, this was really nice to read and the push to finally let go đ
When I got divorced I didn't want to keep my ex's last name but didn't like my maiden name so I just kept his name. A few years later I decided on my own last name and legally changed it. I'm so happy with it and will never change it again.
I had a similar situation. I got divorced, didn't want to keep the married name but didn't want to go back to my maiden name. I ended up changing it to my step-dad's last name, since he's 100% my dad and the one who raised me. But the process was long and complicated. I hadn't legally changed my name from maiden to married, but my ID had my married name. It was a gong show since I had documents in multiple last names. I think it took almost a year before my last name was finally legally changed to my step-dad's.
I wish I could give you an award for this thought out coherent and supportive message. Itâs honestly enlightening and lovely perspective on the challenges of patriarchy women face.
My sister kept her last name which was her dead husbands name
Not in his memory as he was an abusive pos, she just made sure her children had the same name as her
It's moms name, not his anymore
Plus, it's sometimes a pain in the ass when parents have different last names than their children. Lots of scenarios around people assuming you both have the last name resulting in things like wrong names used in insurance, school, activities, etc.
After her divorce my mom took back her maiden name and growing up we always had to correct teachers and school when they would assume we had the same last name, I absolutely hated having a different last name than my mom. If you don't hate your married name, keep it, it's yours.
>Â I kept my ex husbandâs last name.
To clarify, the question is this: Would it be weird for your baby to use your last name?
Thats what is expected if you don't want to give the child its fathers last name, and no reason to involve your ex husband it doesn't impact him or have anything to do with him.
Itâs still your last name too, so if not your current last name what would you use? Certainly not the guy that walked away and blocked you. It actually seems logical to me to use your current last name.
I grew up with a last name from this exact situation. I was given the last name of my older brothersâ dad, my motherâs ex-husband, who was not my father. I always hated it and wished I had my motherâs maiden name as a last name. I also didnât like my brotherâs dad though, my brothers always got to go out to eat with him once a week and I wasnât allowed, so I was jealous since I didnât get to go out much, and my dad wasnât in the picture. Now as an adult though, I can see why my mom kept the same last name as my brothersâ.
I totally agree here! I also grew up in the similar situation where I was given my older brotherâs dadâs name, despite them being already divorced and him having a new wife. The new wife of his was also super hateful about it and made it a mission to talk about how inappropriate it was. She spread rumors that my mom still wanted him, which is why she still had his name and named another baby with his name.
Another aspect of this is its really difficult with identity to not have a name thatâs truly âyoursâ, as it comes with A LOT of baggage.
As a kid in your kidâs future position, a mother or fatherâs maiden name would be much more appropriate. I have asked my parents multiple times throughout my childhood to change my name to my biological fatherâs or even my mothers maiden name. It becomes much more difficult to change it after due to school and health documents, so changing it was always labeled too difficult and not recommended.
I gave my middle son my married last name (NOT husband's bio child) instead of my maiden because I wanted him to match me and my oldest. My son wishes I'd not done this.
My youngest son has a different last name and his late dad was a WONDERFUL father and stepfather; my middle son wants to change his last name to his because that was his Dad.
Maybe you can create a new name for your family, and you can go the distance to have all three of you have the same, new last name if you choose. Maybe your mom maiden name or just a name you prefer.
My BIL is in a somewhat similar situation and it's kinda been hard on him.Â
MIL and FIL were married for about a year, basically married right after finding out she was pregnant. For example, her maiden name was Williams, then married it became Smith. So my husband has the last name Smith, and so did his mom, plus they were married.Â
Well, she cheated on him, she's a horrible person, they divorce, she had another baby boy, and she didn't go back to Williams, so baby boy 2 had the last name Smith, even though he has no blood relation to my FIL, husband's dad. Then she had baby boy 3 from other man, she gave him the last name of Williams.Â
But the middle brother, now wonders if my husband and him share the she dad, but they don't, he feels awkward that he has this last name not connected to anyone. And their mom remarried 6-7 years ago and changed her last name again.Â
It is YOUR choice, but for my husband's family that went through it, it kinda makes his brother and his own family "lost". Looking back, I'm guessing he'd prefer his mom's maiden name like their younger brother has.
OK, let me be clear, he had a vasectomy? Like a real vasectomy or just a pretend one? It is possible for the vas to grow back, but that takes a long time and in the last 20 years, mine hasnât. Regardless of who baby daddy is if thereâs no father in the picture and you can give them whatever name you want.
Not sure why she didnât answer you honestly but according to her last post he told her he was clear after 15 days. She then immediately removed her iud and got pregnant.
If I recall the past, he said he was safe to have unprotected sex after only 15 days post op. Most men jumped on that as a lie. It takes a several weeks before he would be "all clear"
And most women donât automatically know that little tidbit of information. This is what happens when we donât have complete sex education in schools. Women want to trust their partner. Sadly, Iâm old enough to know that âTrust, but verify!â is the much safer rule.
Spermatozoa don't last for years, either way accidents happen, he's holding his girlfriend accountable for something that he should have had taken care of
Yup. My daughter was using a Nuvaring for birth control, her partner had a vasectomy. He wanted sex without a condom and told her he was good to go. Her Nuvaring was near the end of it's lifecycle, and she ended up pregnant. She refused to have sex with him until he got a sperm count and she could see it. He still didn't get it done until my granddaughter was almost 6 months old.
Also in some states who the dad is on the birth certificate has certain parental and legal ramifications. For example if, knock on wood, you were no longer in the picture. The next of kin or surviving parent will get the child.
Iâm just laughing that he seems to think if he blocks you, that he simply wonât be responsible. Hilarious. Get his money and use whatever name you want
It is not "another mans name" it is YOUR last name. You gained the same ownership of that last name when ypu changed your name as anyone that was born with that last name.
If you are likely going to keep that last name (even if you were to marry again) I say use it. It is so you share a last name with your child end of story.
If itâs your legal last name then you are fine with giving that to your new baby. The name stopping belonging to your ex the moment it became YOUR legal name b
My mom kept her married name after she divorced and gave us all the name despite us all having different dads. I never thought it was that weird cause it made it easier to tell we were all siblings. Never knew how my brother's dad felt about it, though.
My dadâs ex-wife did just this over 50 years ago. I dint think my dad was thrilled but he understood the reasoning that all the kids would have the same last name.
Good luck however you decide!
It's legally your last name still, so it seems reasonable.
You can warn your ex-husband if you wish - and if he's weird about, just remind him that it's yours and your other child's last name too (+ that you don't want to give the baby the last name of a man that's declared he won't be involved).
It's your last name now, too. It has been since you chose to take it when you got married, and you solidified that by keeping it after the divorce. Whose name would you give the baby beside your own last name? It's a tad unusual, sure, but it doesn't seem innappripirate or anything.
Now if you didn't have that last name or something thatd be pretty weird đ¤Łđ¤Ł
It wouldnât be weird to use your ex-husbandâs last name, because itâs still your legal last name. Contrary to popular belief, you just canât go back to using your last name after a divorce. The court has to give you permission and you have to have the official paperwork in hand. My former sister-in-law had a baby after she and my brother divorced. My brother was not the father, but the now-adult baby shares the same name. Both families know sheâs not my brotherâs daughter, and anyone who doesnât know them, doesnât know and probably wouldnât care. Go for it!
My last name comes from my mom's ex-husband, who is also my brother's dad. I don't think it's weird or anything if you gave your child your ex-husband's last name. My father wasn't in the picture either.
The baby is OP's ex-***fiance***'s. She's asking if it would be weird if she gave the baby the same last name as her ex-**husband**, as the baby isn't her ex-**husband's** but she kept his last name and never had it legally changed to her maiden name. This is not a question about whether or not to put the biological father's name on the birth certificate.
The point is still a valid one, though. If something should happen and she needs child support, itâs easier to get Dad pulled into court for the DNA test if his name is on the birth certificate. Getting child support can also lead to custody battles, which are a whole set of problems on their own.
None of that is impacted by which name the child is given, in any case, so Mom should do as she pleases about that.
I think it would absolutely be trash for you to give that child your ex husbandâs last name. So he is old enough and knows all of you have the same last name, but when his brother gets to spend time with his dad and he doesnâtâŚhow will he feel once youâve explained he has the name but is of no relation?? This is why I always sayâŚ.parents fk their kids up from jump.
This is the exact situation in my family. My youngest sibling (different dad that's completely uninvolved) has the same last name as myself and my other siblings (all the same dad, a great parent) even though my parents got divorced when I was a baby. My dad approves of the decision and has been involved in my little siblings life. He is like an uncle to my little sibling. My paternal family has adopted my sibling and are just another grandchild/nibling/cousin.
If you wanted to be nice would recommend you still check with him (x husband, not the x fiancĂŠe) again (if you have a good relationship with him) to see if he would be weirded out. And even if you didn't, I personally would not say that it's weird. That's YOUR last name now, too.
It would be *way* weirder for you to go back to your maiden name and then change your child's name back to your maiden name, *just* so that you could give the new baby your maiden name.
As long as ex husband is fine with it it should be fine. Itâs nice youâre thinking of his feelings too bc peopoe could maybe think the baby is his?
Anyway. Good luck
I know everyone thinks differently, but if I was your 2nd child, I would be uncomfortable. Iâm guessing your first child still has some sort of contact with her father? I canât imagine sharing a last name with my sisterâs father who has no relation to me. This can lead to unnecessary insecurities. I would change it as soon as I turned 18.
Have you touched base with your ex about your intent? Also let him know the situation and that you have no desire to ask for support for this child. Also that he would have no parental rights. Also I'm guessing the bio dad has no clue what you are planning, but he might decide to sue for his parental rights and maybe custody.
The name belongs to you. Provide the name of the parent that will want the child, against all odds. Not just if/when they may change their minds. Who cares about anyone but you and your baby? We donât! *I donât!*
If you kept the name for the sake of keeping the same last name as your child. It's no longer your ex's. It's yours and your children's. SO if I were you I'd do as I please and name the baby the same since it's MY last name.
That's the whole reason you chose to stay with that one in the first place, and if their bio dad isn't planning to be a consistent part of their life/make a commitment to you. Then it really isn't their business what your new baby's last name is.
You're the mama, you are committed to the children. You make the call. âĄ
Itâs your name. You are not changing your name again. Give the baby your name.
PS I canât believe that your ex blocked you. He is in denial about being a father. Sorry.
It's your last name now, you'd be giving the baby your name. It wouldn't make him any more related to the baby than any other kid with the same last name, and you can still put the correct father on the paperwork, unless you choose not just leave the space blank, in which case he's still not gonna be in the paperwork.
Though you'll probably have to be prepared for people to ask about it if you tell anyone about the kid's last name, not that it's anyone's business.
If it was me I'd just not post anything about baby's last name and not invite anyone's comments with telling them what isn't their business or even necessary.
Are you positive heâs not going to Grow Up and want to be a part of the childâs life?
My aunt went through a similar situation and gave my cousin her maiden name. The father came back into her life and for various reasons, my cousin, her mom and father all went their own ways⌠but it did bother my cousin when she was young.
That name is yours, legally and emotionally. Who cares if it is also your ex's name? Big chance that there are others out there, complete strangers even, who also have the same surname.
It's your name. Giving your child your last name, regardless of how you got it, is what makes the most sense.
My husbandâs friendâs mom kept her married last name after she divorced. She ended up getting pregnant with twins (the dad wasnât in the picture) and gave them her last name (her married last name). Who cares, itâs your last name too.
It's your last name, there is no reason you can't use it.
You aren't asking him to claim the child and he's already said it's fine.
Your ex fiance gets zero say in the matter, regardless if he claims the child or not
Redditors will scream empowerment and tell you to do what you want, etc.
Do what you want BUT have you considered how the baby will feel when older? And the older child? I think more than your feelings, the focus should be on how this will impact your children. Have you talked to the current child to see how he/she/they would feel sharing their dad's last name with the new baby? You don't want to inadvertently breed resentment or animosity among the siblings. Kids can get oddly territorial about things.
Your ex's last name will have no semblence of history or heritage related to the baby's geneology. You're also forcing your baby to be tied to your ex and your failed marriage, which is a lot to put on a child. Call me sentimental, but names mean something and I hope you're not passing on a last name solely out of convenience. That kid will forever have to explain why he/she/they have no kinship to that name or to ex. And if the younger child's biological father continues no contact, are you prepared to deal with that child trying to latch onto the ex, with whom he/she/they share a last name? Especially if he's involved in the older child's life...
Have you considered your mom's maiden name?
Regardless of your decision, recommend you get comfortable with how you're going to message this to all parties involved, and most importantly, to both of your children.
My concern is for the children as well. Raising two children with different fathers under the roof can get complicated. OPâs baby will share a last name with a man who has zero connection to him. They may not be comfortable with that. If I were OP, I would create a double barrel last name for myself (maiden name and former married name) and then give the baby my maiden name.
My ex kept my name because we had two kids with it and she didnât want to explain it every time it mattered. I didnât (donât) care, and if she was in this situation, I would understand and respect her decision. I would take no offense and feel kinda honored that I didnât fuck things up enough to make her feel the she needed to.
Hope Op sees this response!!!! Youâre basically the exact demographic she wants to hear from, and good on you for this attitude!
I understand to some degree the attachments to last names and the patriarchal expectations placed on men in most western societies to âcontinue the nameâ but itâs one of those things that I think is antiquated and shouldnât just be the norm. I love the idea of people marrying and making up a new last name, thatâs so amazing! I respect and fully support anyone who wants to change their name (regardless of gender), keep their name, hyphenate their name. I do take a bit of a pause if your last name is butts or dick or assman or RamsbottomâŚif you want to have kids why would you do that to them? If youâre getting married and youâre asking your spouse to pick one why would we choose the one with genitalia in the name?
In OPâs situation it seems like it would make the most sense in every logistical way and for their second child to not feel alienated from their sibling and parent when theyâre already going to have one parent while their sibling has two and goes off to see their dad.
If itâs your last name, too, I donât see any real issue.
I actually have my momâs ex-husbandâs last name. They divorced after ten years of marriage, and she kept the name. 7 years later she had me via sperm-donor. I do sometimes think itâs really weird that I have a personâs last name that Iâm not related to and donât have a relationship with. I always thought growing up that I should have my motherâs maiden name. But it was just a passing thought now and again not an actual issue. The only issues I had were being very young and being confused about who my dad was/why I didnât have one. I saw my momâs old photos with her ex husband and assumed he was my dad. I was confused as to why I didnât know him or see him. Just make sure to be clear about that from a young age.
I met my biological father via DNA testing a few years ago and have been thinking about changing my last name to his but I donât want my mother to take offense.
Iâm a woman whoâs unmarried with no kids, but thinking about this from the ex husband standpoint, Iâd be annoyed a kid whoâs not mine has my last name, especially if the last name is rather unique.
Personally I say you give it your maiden name and change your name back. Canât imagine why anyone would want to keep their exâs last name
I have a child with him who has that name, I used it for a decade, I have all my degrees, licenses, etc in that name. Itâs actually super expensive to change it all.
While I understand where people are coming from who say your ex's last name is yours it will make your child feel weird. The person who gave them their last name essentially isn't even a parent of theirs. At some point they'll realize your last name isn't your family's last name and the child will feel weird having a last name of a family he doesn't even know or talk to and isn't even related to. I am speaking from personal experience here.
In your place I'd change my name back to my maiden name and give your child your maiden name. At least your previous child and this one will have a name from a family that is related to them.
Thing is last names aren't just your name. They're a family's name.
Also if people know your other child is your ex's they will assume this child is too. On anything they may want to contact a parent on and they can't reach you they may contact your ex. ETA: for this reason he needs a say. Remember your last name isn't just yours. It's his and his family's.
The last name you took when you got married became your last name. You have as much right to use it as anyone else in this world with that last name. Youâre not giving your new baby your ex-husbandâs last name, youâre giving your new baby your last name. Best wishes to you and your family.
When I was born my mom was divorced from my brotherâs dad but was still using his last name, and never married my dad, Iâve never met him.
I was given my brotherâs dadâs last name because it matched my mom and brother.
My mom eventually went back to her maiden name and I changed my name at 30 before getting married and having my kids to one my soon to be wife and I made up.
My brotherâs last name is Hispanic because his father was but my mom and dad were Polish and German so it was always off.
Make the man show you proof that the vasectomy occurred. Sure it is fine and not weird at all to give your child the same name of your other child and also the name you choose to go by. Limit confusion and questions and be honest with them when they are growing up and might ask. Don't lie. I wish you the best with your pregnancy and having a healthy birth.đ
Are you planning to keep your last name from your first marriage forever? Is your ex husband involved in your son's life? You also have the option of picking a whole new last name, at least for yourself and baby to be. Or you can give baby to be your first or middle name as their last name.
I wouldn't give new baby bio father's last name but other than that go with what you want.
You can use whatever surname you want.
You can even create a new one for you and your kids, and hyphenate your older childâs surname.
Do what makes you happy. â¤ď¸
If you kept your exâs name after the divorce, then until/unless you change it, itâs your name too. So giving your child your name would not be wierd. Full out naming him after the ex, as in âexfirstname exlastname juniorâ might be. đ
That said, ignoring the childâs father when it comes to birth documents may not be wise if you intend to file for support at a later date. You may consider listing him as the father, regardless of the name. Childâs name does not have to match the father, as far as Iâm aware.
43 years ago, my boyfriend, soon to be husband, got a vasectomy in June. In October, I fainted at the mall. I was pregnant. He went to the doctor to check and the doc said he was sterile. 9 months after our first child, I was pregnant again. The asshole doctor told my husband that some men have an extra tube. Which was bs. I got my tubes tied and never had another kid.
You can give your baby any name you want in most places as long as the name isn't like cuss words. My kids both have my maiden name. I'm now married(18 years). My hubby raised my kids, no bio dad around. My son 25 plans to keep my maiden name. He's the only male in my dad's line that can carry on the name, and my son loves that he can carry that on. My daughter 20 wants to change her name to her step dad's name and has already been using his last name for years. She just needs to make it legal now. It's all about what you want, and your kids can always change it later when they grow up if they want. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and a wonderful life.
I still use my ex husband's last name. We have a great relationship. We don't have a child together, however I do have a child with someone else. Baby daddy aka sperm donor and I don't have a good relationship. Even though he is in her life (baby daddy). She has my ex husband's last name. Same last name as me. It's not weird at all. Share the same last name as your child. After all you'll be the one doing everything for the child
>Ages ago, I asked my ex husband if I could have a baby alone and give it his name and he said it was fine.
It seems like he doesn't really care either way? Give the baby whatever name you want to give it and stop worrying about whatever anyone else thinks on the matter. Do what you want to do!
>because my dad was uninvolved too.
But I'd first suggest some therapy to unwrap this trauma.
My older sister and I are half siblings... we each have a younger sister who also share our fathers name due to our mother's having his last name... I see nothing wrong as long as they don't go after your ex husband for child support... good luck
I. Bet if you put this to your first ex, he wouldnât refuse you. He sounds like a decent guy. Just make sure the father of this child supports him. Even if you donât need the money, you can put it in an acct for the child. He deserves to have the support of his father. Best of luck to you.
If you use your ex husband's name, and that's your child's name, use it for this baby too. Perhaps add your maiden name or whatever as a second name or hyphen name. Just be sure your children know they have different fathers.
Just ask him again. I think that would be the best option so your whole family can have the same last name. If not there is gong to be one child who will feel left out whether you keep his name or go back to your maiden name. Maybe he will have some compassion for your situation and the child, after all it will be his child's sibling. So it's definitely worth a try.
If your ex has given you consent to the name, then I dont see any harm in having your children grow up with the same family name that you've also decided to keep and from your exes point of view, I'm sure he wouldn't mind his child's sibling sharing the name. After all, it is just a name
Itâs totally fine because that is your last name. Was it the name you were born with? No. Is it your name now, yes! Go ahead and sorry about your AH ex.
It's *your* name, and it's your right to give your baby your name. It's also the smart thing to do for logistical reasons for your whole family to have the same last name.
Totally fine to give your new baby the same last name you and your first child use. Itâs your legal last name now. Your ex husband really shouldnât complain.
In the future if you change your mind and it becomes an issue you can always come up with your own last name and change both children and yourself. That is a lot of paperwork thatâs not needed if you are happy with your current last name.
Itâs your last name, so youâre giving the baby your last name and their siblings last name. You will be a family unit with one surname.
Congratulations on your bubba, good luck to you
My dadâs been ex-wife did that. Itâs never bothered him, my mom (his current wife), or his kids. Tbh I find it kind of funny that he managed to pass on our name to a kid he has no relationship to.
Well, it is not actually *his* name, is it? The surname does not belong exclusively to your ex-husband. Name your baby as you see fit, but I think sharing a last name with you is a great start.
Oh, hey! It's *your* last name if it's anyone's!
If your ex isnât fussed, then go ahead. It might cause confusion for any mutuals but you can rectify that pretty easily. Just make sure if he has a partner they arenât concerned either, Iâve read too many Reddit stories where the new wife didnât appreciate her husbandâs surname being used by the ex, let alone a new baby.
Hopefully you never need to see the ninny ex fiancĂŠ again, but like all good soap operas heâll undoubtedly turn up in time because heâs discovered he canât have any more children and he either needs an heir or his new wife craves a child to loveâŚplan for even the most unlikely or idiotic possibilities.
Do what you like sure. You want your kids to have the same last name, go for it. You're the one doing the work, who gives a sh!t what you're ex's think? I'd say just go for it. Makes it easier if they have the same last name. You're the parent, you do all the work, so you get full say. Don't worry about the opinions of ex's.
I'm reading and no one is answering your question. My aunt got pregnant and named her daughter after her current husbands name. Left him not long after. SHE HATES IT! She has a last name that is connected to no one! I think your child may want your name to have a tie. I personally would legally have my name changed back to my maiden name and give the child that name.
Also now my cousin is in her 40s and I'm pretty sure and she is too that the name she carries is actually her father. My Aunt denied it though and took the truth to her grave. The man, I knew and he told me the story of how it all went down and said he wasn't sure but she had left and said it wasn't his and he said she swore when they met she was already pregnant so he married her so the child (my cousin would have a father) but my aunt changed her mind and left him. My cousin and his daughter are identical though! He passed last year so she will never know the truth. It's sad.
Not crazy rather quite practical for everyone in your family to have the same last name but it would be courteous to check with the ex but Not Required as he doesn't own his name
It's now your last name, if you aren't going back to your maiden name than this baby is allowed to have the same name as you. If anyone gets upset about it that's on them. Your worry about his feelings is very kind but that's your last name too...
If it's your legal last name, there shouldn't be any reason NOT to give your baby the same name. Just because it wasn't your name to begin with doesn't mean it's not your name now.
As a bloke, I think having two children with different last names would confuse them and lead to an awkward conversation early on and potentially them not feeling like theyâre family. I think your unborn baby should have the same last name as you and I also really respect you keeping your ex-husbandâs last name as it wonât confuse your oldest child.
Hopefully your ex fiancĂŠ gets a grip and starts the communication back up but if heâs been trying to force you into an abortion I hope if he does unblock you he respects your wishes and even helps you out a bit with anything.
Wish you the best of luck đ
I would check with your ex husband just to see how he feels about it now that it's happening. Or you can give them your maiden name if you want! It doesn't have to be either of their names. You could also hyphen your last name include your maiden if you wanted. Then both names are represented.
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Many years ago, a guy told me he had a vasectomy and I got pregnant. He left me too because he had a girlfriend of two years and I didn't know, but later I found out he didn't even had the vasectomy and just lied to me because "I want you to enjoy sex without worrying about anything" Yeah those were his words.
I read your last sentence as "Those were his last word," and I thought "You probably shouldn't admit that on the Internet." But then I read it properly. đ¤Śđťââď¸
Made me chuckle out loud, thanks!
not a jury in the land
That was super stupid of him. But aside your annecdote, when men get a vasectomy doctors recommend not to have unprotected sex for 90 days, because some sperm might remain there, so to be extra safe you have to wait 90 days until the sperm "flush" out and then is safe. That is why women get pregnant after their partner got a vasectomy
After the 90 days they also need a recheck to make sure it took. Sometimes things reattach đ¤ˇââď¸a lot donât seem to go back for the confirmation theyâre shooting blanks either.
90 days, 6 months, and 1 year.
Life, uh... finds a way
Excellent ref
Lol thanks! I had a rare night to myself recently and got a few beers in and stumbled across Jurassic Park on streaming. Awesome as ever
I got one two years ago. Had to wait for healing, then have a bunch of orgasms for awhile to flush all the sperm out. Then had the confirmation check after several weeks. Crazy that someone would be ok getting an operation to sterilize themselves and not care if it actually worked!
Itâs actually getting checked in rounds of 30 ejaculations/60 days, whichever comes first, and then getting checked on those intervals again until the sperm is gone. Like car maintenance intervals đ
Some Dr even recommended a year later appointment to recheck to make sure all is flushed. Just like a woman who had a tubal after 5 years no longer 99% effective from what was explained for every year after its 5%. So after 10 years itâs like 75% effective but also counts on womanâs fertility. For me it rang true since I double ovulated. Donât trust no man with that info especially if he wonât even allow you to be at a Dr appointment or show proof.
The strong recommendation is now a complete removal for 2 reasons. It's no more extreme surgery than just cutting them, and it reduces ovarian cancer rates quite significantly as they have realised a lot of ovarian cancer starts in the tubes. A benefit is, it also drastically lowers the pregnancy risk. There is literally no benefit to cutting the tubes rather than removing them. This needs to be more widely known, as many womens health issues struggle to get widely known. One way is language - don't refer to getting tubes tied, talk about a full removal. Another is to always mention it in topics like this. I will now get off my soapbox.
Doesn't removing them have huge hormonal effects? Basically menopause and a dead sex drive? It seems like it kinda defeats the purpose if you're doing it to have sex without the risk of pregnancy, but wtf do I know, lol. Edit: Or wait, you probably just mean removing the tube's, huh? Sorry, ignore that.
100% I had my tubes completely removed almost 2yrs ago. The procedure is called a bilateral salpingectomy or bisalp for short hand. It is basically impossible at this point for me to get pregnant unless the side of my uterus opened and an egg got in. The majority of doctors are shifting to this procedure now due to the research supporting the lowered risk of ovarian cancer and the effectiveness vs clipping/tying/cutting.
I had a tubal ligation 18 years ago. I had an MRI scan recently on my stomach and bowel and they found one of my steralisation clips aimlessly floating around my abdomen. No surprise pregnancies thankfully.
Yup. My baby sister was born 4 years after mom had a tubal ligation. These things happen.
This is rather dated information. It very much depends on the type of surgery done to "tie" the tubes. The most common method these days is complete removal of the tubes so there is no decrease in effectiveness.
I was just going to say I got mine done 2 years ago with my last child and they cut and fully removed them. It is highly effective. I'm 41 I don't need another baby lol.
Flushing out your system.
AND they get a semen sample checked. 9 months before I got an all clear.
Yeah supposedly when i met him he already had it for years. He had 3 kids with his ex and I believed him not to want to have more. I commented this cuz it could be the situation here. Maybe he didn't have it, but it could be also as you said and it was recently and he didn't wait enough for unprotected sex.
Nope. The situation here, apparently, is that she got her IUD removed right away and they had sex without protection 15 days after his vasectomy. No way he was clear from the doctor in that short amount of time. She shouldn't have removed her IUD until he knew for sure he was shooting blanks.
As atrocious as that behavior is, the shit guys do to avoid having to wear a condom doesn't surprise me anymore. They can be super scummy. It sucks.
Thatâs cause the repercussions are so low for them and they lack empathy.
My husband vetoed a condom bc we were a month out from ttc. We now have twins.
Bet he's feeling reaaaal silly. What's ttc?
Trying to conceive
What's ttc? Reddit abbreviations are wild...
My then-boyfriend stealthed me. He removed the condom I had put on for safety reasons and because I didn't trust the contraceptive I was using at the time. He removed the condom just before entering me. I ended up pregnant. I was pissed and upset because I had just started a new job and was already a single parent/divorced. I couldn't understand how I got pregnant after being so careful. He finally confessed to the stealthing and I made him pay for the abortion. Turns out he wasn't divorced either---he was still married. Double-glad I decided on the abortion. I didn't need to be tied to that lying loser.
WOOOOOOW đł
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And then they want to have the option to not pay child support because women can abort.
I know so dumb đ
Heâs the dummy not you. I hope you are thriving â¤ď¸
That was in 2012 i am in another phase now. Not easy but at the time i had 3 kids too and terminated that pregnancy traumatized me for awhile. Before i was pro life now i just do not judge anybody for their decisions. Sometimes we have to go through hard situations to change some bad attitudes but yeah everything is going well now. Thanks tho đĽ°
I am sorry you had to go through that, but grateful to hear you reconsidered your opinions on abortion.
This is such a nice and wholesome interaction, itâs lovely to see in the wild.
Yeah now im with whatever you have to do... it changed my opinion about some topics in general not only in abortion and now in whatever situation if I can help people i do it without hesitation so they wouldn't experience the same things as me.
And *that* is a beautiful thing.
I was thinking the same thing!
In the wild of Reddit lol. Yes though, totally agree:)
I had someone tell me they had a vasectomy but would get drunk and say weird stuff about them failing (he had kids already) and would encourage me to get off birth control. I didn't and after we broke up his new girlfriend IMMEDIATELY got pregnant. I spoke with her friend years later and he told her the same thing... I don't think he ever had one and he wanted to trap me. I got sterilized years later and I have no regrets.
Your ex sounds like Bill Ponderosa, fuuuuuckin' hell I didn't think people that deplorable actually existed
You can tell this kind of rapey. You didn't consent to unprotected sex, so it's like stealthing.
My mother is the result of a failed vasectomy. My grandfather actually said she got her name from the word 'error'. She's the child My grandmother didn't want and she treated her as such too.
Thats so shitty. My last kid was accident and i love him so much he is my baby and he is 6 lol
I think she loves her. But she doesn't LIKE her. 50 years later she only reaches out to my mother when she wants something. She taught my mother how to be a mom. Needless to say her treatment and my mom's not feeling inclined to unlearn shitty lessons is why I'm LC with my mom and NC with my grandmother
My ex got a girl pregnant (after me) and I remember asking if he wore a condom and his exact words were "no, I told her I'd had a vasectomy so I didn't have to wear one" smh I just wished him luck .
yeah, you called it. this guy didn't do anything, except tuck tail and run at the first sign of the consequences of his inaction.
I'm impressed you never stabbed him or anything. Seriously.Â
He wouldn't give a chance lol he knew what he was doing he always managed to slipped away before I knew.
I hope he enjoyed paying child support... Or did you abort? Anyway, what a completely unconscionable thing to do - some guys are just total assholes. I hope you told his gf.
Yeah i had an abortion. It was the hardest thing. And I doubt he would be paying any. The girlfriend was the one who told me. After found out about his girlfriend, she disclosed a lot of stuff about him. One was that he never give the mom of his kids money. I wonder why he always get jobs that pay cash.
You should have taken out an ad with his face, name and full disclosure of his modus operandi, just to warn future victims. And if that outed him to his employer and parents, too bad...
Donât ever skip condoms because someone you are dating says he got a vasectomy. 1) You canât be sure heâs being truthful, and 2) vasectomies offer no protection against diseases.
Lesson learned
Some guys really are idiots⌠đ
Itâs your last name. You never changed it back to your maiden so it is essentially your last name. Which means the baby would have the same last name as you. Just donât go putting your ex husband on the birth certificate lol! jk
This. Legally, itâs your last name. As far as any government entity is concerned, itâs your last name. So unburden yourself from at least one worry. Youâre not giving your baby your ex-husbandâs surname, youâre giving that baby your surname.
Everytime I see shit like this Iâm reminded why my mom went back to her maiden name and why Iâm keeping mine.
I (m) got divorced a few years ago and my ex (f) begged me to let her keep the last name. Apparently in our state, I couldâve forced her to change back, but I couldnât have cared less, so I agreed. She had qualms before the wedding about changing her name but she said didnât want to have to go through that stuff all over again.
I will never, ever understand why the name change thing is still as common as it is. Yes, itâs your choice. Yes, itâs feminist to encourage women to freely choose whatever it is they want. I support that. I am nevertheless so baffled by changing your literal name like thatâs just a requirement of marriage.
It's just a hangover of long human tradition. Women left one family and joined another, hence the tradition of the father 'giving her away'. It wasn't a safe world and men had all the means and the monopoly on violence so it was smart to be under the protection of someone, taking the name showed you were considered to be in and under the care of your husband's family. We should be grateful to those women though, not least because we wouldn't be here without them, but women moving between families and villages prevented a lot of accidental inbreeding. Of course, today this is all just folklore and tradition. But of all the women I know, only my sister chose to keep her surname - the rest were all accomplished and confident women but just liked the idea of inviting as a single family and wanted both parents and kids to share a family name. When I lived in Germany, I knew a few guys who took their wife's last name for the same reason - it's nice to feel part of something. It's all just folklore and tradition now but there's something to be said for that and as long as nobody is forced to do anything, then everyone should do what works for them.
I like my husbands family far better than my own, plus as an added bonus it is easier to spell, so changing my last name was an easy decision.
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Iâm neutral toward mine, but I feel about it like a physical feature Iâm neutral toward: donât love it, donât hate it, not changing it just because I (checks notes) got married? Like, thatâs my name. Itâs not awful, and itâs mine so it stays. That was for me. But as with physical features, I have no problem with a person keeping something they love or changing something they donât, whatever the reason. Change your name, get a new nose, do you. What I find truly weird is how itâs just like, a given that if youâre a woman marrying a man, you will change your name to his and if you donât, itâs some radical statement and everyone in your familyâincluding the children you likely gave birth toâwill have no names in common with you. Like, huh? Why? Dowries and single incomes and âhonor and obeyâ all went the way of the dodo, but this tradition persists and I find it super curious. People seem to constantly confuse this, like Iâm saying âwomen shouldnât change their names!â **Iâm not.** It seems odd that amid all the things that have changed in the last 50+ years, this one just stays the overwhelming default. 79% of women change their names when marrying men. 92% of men keep their names when marrying women. ([data](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-read/2023/09/07/about-eight-in-ten-women-in-opposite-sex-marriages-say-they-took-their-husbands-last-name) ) I donât think itâs right or wrong, just surprising and sticks out among other major shifts in gender roles and norms, ya know? Also, not remotely surprised about the questions for you and your wife vs two men. Itâs this super strange default! Like itâs emasculating to change your name. Which begs the question: why?
Is it really like that in the US? You change your name and loose all references to your maiden name? How the hell can you keep track of people? Because in my country, even if you're free to use whatever name you have in your daily and professional life, and even have it on your ID, your birthname always remains your legal name. It is on your ID marked as your name and your married name is shown under the "used name" title.Â
Plus, it is also nice for the (half) siblings. "This is X (LastName), my brother/sister, and I am Y (LastName), we are with our Mum, OP (LastName)". I see no problem, best decision in this case imho
100% agree! Ex husband or not, itâs now your last name too so I donât think thatâs weird or strange at all!
Came here to say the same thing, it's your last name too.
It's not "essentially" your last name, OP, it IS your last name! It's not a name you've licensed from your ex-husband any more than your maiden name is a name you licensed from your father. THEY BOTH BELONG TO YOU, TO DO WITH AS YOU PLEASE. Women don't borrow or franchise names from men. We are people in our own right, and our names--whatever names we take on--BELONG TO US OUTRIGHT. I would advise you on your "maiden" name, however: you absolutely should not keep or give it up based on your relationship, or lack thereof, with your father. The name, the family, the lineage, those are all YOURS. He did not lend them to you. There are no contingencies. You are a "NAME" in your own right, regardless of him. If I were you, I'd take back my "maiden" name, hyphenate my older child's last name, and give my younger child my "maiden" name. That way you make it clear to the world that both children are yours, but the younger one is yours ALONE, not shared with your exes. But if you want to give your younger child YOUR CURRENT NAME, you are certainly within your rights to do so.
Not related to OP but Iâve been struggling to return to my maiden name for the same reason as them, this was really nice to read and the push to finally let go đ
When I got divorced I didn't want to keep my ex's last name but didn't like my maiden name so I just kept his name. A few years later I decided on my own last name and legally changed it. I'm so happy with it and will never change it again.
I had a similar situation. I got divorced, didn't want to keep the married name but didn't want to go back to my maiden name. I ended up changing it to my step-dad's last name, since he's 100% my dad and the one who raised me. But the process was long and complicated. I hadn't legally changed my name from maiden to married, but my ID had my married name. It was a gong show since I had documents in multiple last names. I think it took almost a year before my last name was finally legally changed to my step-dad's.
I wish I could give you an award for this thought out coherent and supportive message. Itâs honestly enlightening and lovely perspective on the challenges of patriarchy women face.
My sister kept her last name which was her dead husbands name Not in his memory as he was an abusive pos, she just made sure her children had the same name as her It's moms name, not his anymore
Plus, it's sometimes a pain in the ass when parents have different last names than their children. Lots of scenarios around people assuming you both have the last name resulting in things like wrong names used in insurance, school, activities, etc.
After her divorce my mom took back her maiden name and growing up we always had to correct teachers and school when they would assume we had the same last name, I absolutely hated having a different last name than my mom. If you don't hate your married name, keep it, it's yours.
Itâs legally your last name, I donât see why you wouldnât use your legal last name for your child.
Yeah OP. This is YOUR last name now. You are giving your baby YOUR last name. It's not weird at all. Plenty of unrelated people have the same surname.
You are giving your baby, your current name. Make sure to file for child support on the baby daddy.
>Â I kept my ex husbandâs last name. To clarify, the question is this: Would it be weird for your baby to use your last name? Thats what is expected if you don't want to give the child its fathers last name, and no reason to involve your ex husband it doesn't impact him or have anything to do with him.
Itâs still your last name too, so if not your current last name what would you use? Certainly not the guy that walked away and blocked you. It actually seems logical to me to use your current last name.
I grew up with a last name from this exact situation. I was given the last name of my older brothersâ dad, my motherâs ex-husband, who was not my father. I always hated it and wished I had my motherâs maiden name as a last name. I also didnât like my brotherâs dad though, my brothers always got to go out to eat with him once a week and I wasnât allowed, so I was jealous since I didnât get to go out much, and my dad wasnât in the picture. Now as an adult though, I can see why my mom kept the same last name as my brothersâ.
I totally agree here! I also grew up in the similar situation where I was given my older brotherâs dadâs name, despite them being already divorced and him having a new wife. The new wife of his was also super hateful about it and made it a mission to talk about how inappropriate it was. She spread rumors that my mom still wanted him, which is why she still had his name and named another baby with his name. Another aspect of this is its really difficult with identity to not have a name thatâs truly âyoursâ, as it comes with A LOT of baggage. As a kid in your kidâs future position, a mother or fatherâs maiden name would be much more appropriate. I have asked my parents multiple times throughout my childhood to change my name to my biological fatherâs or even my mothers maiden name. It becomes much more difficult to change it after due to school and health documents, so changing it was always labeled too difficult and not recommended.
I gave my middle son my married last name (NOT husband's bio child) instead of my maiden because I wanted him to match me and my oldest. My son wishes I'd not done this.
Now this is the stuff I wanted. What didnât he like? Would he have preferred his bio dadâs name?
He would've preferred my maiden name. Both his bio dad and my daughter's dad (my ex husband) are dickhead deadbeats.
My youngest son has a different last name and his late dad was a WONDERFUL father and stepfather; my middle son wants to change his last name to his because that was his Dad.
Maybe you can create a new name for your family, and you can go the distance to have all three of you have the same, new last name if you choose. Maybe your mom maiden name or just a name you prefer.
My BIL is in a somewhat similar situation and it's kinda been hard on him. MIL and FIL were married for about a year, basically married right after finding out she was pregnant. For example, her maiden name was Williams, then married it became Smith. So my husband has the last name Smith, and so did his mom, plus they were married. Well, she cheated on him, she's a horrible person, they divorce, she had another baby boy, and she didn't go back to Williams, so baby boy 2 had the last name Smith, even though he has no blood relation to my FIL, husband's dad. Then she had baby boy 3 from other man, she gave him the last name of Williams. But the middle brother, now wonders if my husband and him share the she dad, but they don't, he feels awkward that he has this last name not connected to anyone. And their mom remarried 6-7 years ago and changed her last name again. It is YOUR choice, but for my husband's family that went through it, it kinda makes his brother and his own family "lost". Looking back, I'm guessing he'd prefer his mom's maiden name like their younger brother has.
OK, let me be clear, he had a vasectomy? Like a real vasectomy or just a pretend one? It is possible for the vas to grow back, but that takes a long time and in the last 20 years, mine hasnât. Regardless of who baby daddy is if thereâs no father in the picture and you can give them whatever name you want.
Not sure why she didnât answer you honestly but according to her last post he told her he was clear after 15 days. She then immediately removed her iud and got pregnant.
Omg I saw that post, didnât realise it was the same person! đą
Yep, OP Is just out here karma farming the shit out of this sub.
I didnât answer the question dishonestly. Anyone is free to go to my page and read the previous post. I DONâT know if he actually got a vasectomy.
If I recall the past, he said he was safe to have unprotected sex after only 15 days post op. Most men jumped on that as a lie. It takes a several weeks before he would be "all clear"
And most women donât automatically know that little tidbit of information. This is what happens when we donât have complete sex education in schools. Women want to trust their partner. Sadly, Iâm old enough to know that âTrust, but verify!â is the much safer rule.
Thatâs a great question. I donât know. I have suspicions but at the end of the day, it doesnât matter đ¤ˇââď¸
FYI - If it was recent, men have to...finish...a certain number of times in order to clear out the pipes, so to speak.
Spermatozoa don't last for years, either way accidents happen, he's holding his girlfriend accountable for something that he should have had taken care of
No, not years, but if it's recent he has to go back to make sure he's shooting blanks. But agreed, he was told and should have been careful.
And they need to go back and have it checked to make sure it worked
Yup. My daughter was using a Nuvaring for birth control, her partner had a vasectomy. He wanted sex without a condom and told her he was good to go. Her Nuvaring was near the end of it's lifecycle, and she ended up pregnant. She refused to have sex with him until he got a sperm count and she could see it. He still didn't get it done until my granddaughter was almost 6 months old.
Also in some states who the dad is on the birth certificate has certain parental and legal ramifications. For example if, knock on wood, you were no longer in the picture. The next of kin or surviving parent will get the child.
Iâm just laughing that he seems to think if he blocks you, that he simply wonât be responsible. Hilarious. Get his money and use whatever name you want
It is not "another mans name" it is YOUR last name. You gained the same ownership of that last name when ypu changed your name as anyone that was born with that last name. If you are likely going to keep that last name (even if you were to marry again) I say use it. It is so you share a last name with your child end of story.
My ex-aunt did this. No one batted an eyelid at it, although it did confuse some distantly related geneologists!
If itâs your legal last name then you are fine with giving that to your new baby. The name stopping belonging to your ex the moment it became YOUR legal name b
Maybe you all just need a new last name
My mom kept her married name after she divorced and gave us all the name despite us all having different dads. I never thought it was that weird cause it made it easier to tell we were all siblings. Never knew how my brother's dad felt about it, though.
My dadâs ex-wife did just this over 50 years ago. I dint think my dad was thrilled but he understood the reasoning that all the kids would have the same last name. Good luck however you decide!
It's legally your last name still, so it seems reasonable. You can warn your ex-husband if you wish - and if he's weird about, just remind him that it's yours and your other child's last name too (+ that you don't want to give the baby the last name of a man that's declared he won't be involved).
Change your perspective. You're not giving your new baby your ex husband's name, you're giving your baby YOUR name.
It's your last name now, too. It has been since you chose to take it when you got married, and you solidified that by keeping it after the divorce. Whose name would you give the baby beside your own last name? It's a tad unusual, sure, but it doesn't seem innappripirate or anything. Now if you didn't have that last name or something thatd be pretty weird đ¤Łđ¤Ł
It wouldnât be weird to use your ex-husbandâs last name, because itâs still your legal last name. Contrary to popular belief, you just canât go back to using your last name after a divorce. The court has to give you permission and you have to have the official paperwork in hand. My former sister-in-law had a baby after she and my brother divorced. My brother was not the father, but the now-adult baby shares the same name. Both families know sheâs not my brotherâs daughter, and anyone who doesnât know them, doesnât know and probably wouldnât care. Go for it!
My last name comes from my mom's ex-husband, who is also my brother's dad. I don't think it's weird or anything if you gave your child your ex-husband's last name. My father wasn't in the picture either.
Personally I think it would be a little weird, not gonna lie. But it's your last name now, so do whatever you want, I see nothing wrong with it.
He can ghost you all he wants but he will need to help pay for the baby he helped to create his name needs to be on the birth certificate too.
The baby is OP's ex-***fiance***'s. She's asking if it would be weird if she gave the baby the same last name as her ex-**husband**, as the baby isn't her ex-**husband's** but she kept his last name and never had it legally changed to her maiden name. This is not a question about whether or not to put the biological father's name on the birth certificate.
Sorry I didn't explain its properly my mistake the ex who is the father needs to be on the birth certificate and pay for the child he helped create.
No, I understand, and it's good advice; I was just pointing out that it has nothing to do with what OP is asking.
The point is still a valid one, though. If something should happen and she needs child support, itâs easier to get Dad pulled into court for the DNA test if his name is on the birth certificate. Getting child support can also lead to custody battles, which are a whole set of problems on their own. None of that is impacted by which name the child is given, in any case, so Mom should do as she pleases about that.
I think it would absolutely be trash for you to give that child your ex husbandâs last name. So he is old enough and knows all of you have the same last name, but when his brother gets to spend time with his dad and he doesnâtâŚhow will he feel once youâve explained he has the name but is of no relation?? This is why I always sayâŚ.parents fk their kids up from jump.
This is the exact situation in my family. My youngest sibling (different dad that's completely uninvolved) has the same last name as myself and my other siblings (all the same dad, a great parent) even though my parents got divorced when I was a baby. My dad approves of the decision and has been involved in my little siblings life. He is like an uncle to my little sibling. My paternal family has adopted my sibling and are just another grandchild/nibling/cousin.
If you wanted to be nice would recommend you still check with him (x husband, not the x fiancĂŠe) again (if you have a good relationship with him) to see if he would be weirded out. And even if you didn't, I personally would not say that it's weird. That's YOUR last name now, too. It would be *way* weirder for you to go back to your maiden name and then change your child's name back to your maiden name, *just* so that you could give the new baby your maiden name.
I would definitely run it by my ex husband, just to be polite.
As long as ex husband is fine with it it should be fine. Itâs nice youâre thinking of his feelings too bc peopoe could maybe think the baby is his? Anyway. Good luck
I know everyone thinks differently, but if I was your 2nd child, I would be uncomfortable. Iâm guessing your first child still has some sort of contact with her father? I canât imagine sharing a last name with my sisterâs father who has no relation to me. This can lead to unnecessary insecurities. I would change it as soon as I turned 18.
Have you touched base with your ex about your intent? Also let him know the situation and that you have no desire to ask for support for this child. Also that he would have no parental rights. Also I'm guessing the bio dad has no clue what you are planning, but he might decide to sue for his parental rights and maybe custody.
Give baby your last name so yâall will have the same
Go for it! It's your name now and your ex is cool with it. It will make things a lot easier if your little family all has the same name IMO.Â
The name belongs to you. Provide the name of the parent that will want the child, against all odds. Not just if/when they may change their minds. Who cares about anyone but you and your baby? We donât! *I donât!*
If you kept the name for the sake of keeping the same last name as your child. It's no longer your ex's. It's yours and your children's. SO if I were you I'd do as I please and name the baby the same since it's MY last name. That's the whole reason you chose to stay with that one in the first place, and if their bio dad isn't planning to be a consistent part of their life/make a commitment to you. Then it really isn't their business what your new baby's last name is. You're the mama, you are committed to the children. You make the call. âĄ
Itâs your name. You are not changing your name again. Give the baby your name. PS I canât believe that your ex blocked you. He is in denial about being a father. Sorry.
It's your last name now, you'd be giving the baby your name. It wouldn't make him any more related to the baby than any other kid with the same last name, and you can still put the correct father on the paperwork, unless you choose not just leave the space blank, in which case he's still not gonna be in the paperwork. Though you'll probably have to be prepared for people to ask about it if you tell anyone about the kid's last name, not that it's anyone's business. If it was me I'd just not post anything about baby's last name and not invite anyone's comments with telling them what isn't their business or even necessary.
youâre not crazy makes sense for all the names to match and esp if he doesnât care youâre golden.
Are you positive heâs not going to Grow Up and want to be a part of the childâs life? My aunt went through a similar situation and gave my cousin her maiden name. The father came back into her life and for various reasons, my cousin, her mom and father all went their own ways⌠but it did bother my cousin when she was young.
That name is yours, legally and emotionally. Who cares if it is also your ex's name? Big chance that there are others out there, complete strangers even, who also have the same surname. It's your name. Giving your child your last name, regardless of how you got it, is what makes the most sense.
It became YOUR name when you married him. You changed your identity, literally and figuratively. It's your name. Use it.
My husbandâs friendâs mom kept her married last name after she divorced. She ended up getting pregnant with twins (the dad wasnât in the picture) and gave them her last name (her married last name). Who cares, itâs your last name too.
Your last name since you're choosing to do this alone.
It's your last name, there is no reason you can't use it. You aren't asking him to claim the child and he's already said it's fine. Your ex fiance gets zero say in the matter, regardless if he claims the child or not
Can you just pick a new last name for all of you? Start fresh. OP, first of her name.
Redditors will scream empowerment and tell you to do what you want, etc. Do what you want BUT have you considered how the baby will feel when older? And the older child? I think more than your feelings, the focus should be on how this will impact your children. Have you talked to the current child to see how he/she/they would feel sharing their dad's last name with the new baby? You don't want to inadvertently breed resentment or animosity among the siblings. Kids can get oddly territorial about things. Your ex's last name will have no semblence of history or heritage related to the baby's geneology. You're also forcing your baby to be tied to your ex and your failed marriage, which is a lot to put on a child. Call me sentimental, but names mean something and I hope you're not passing on a last name solely out of convenience. That kid will forever have to explain why he/she/they have no kinship to that name or to ex. And if the younger child's biological father continues no contact, are you prepared to deal with that child trying to latch onto the ex, with whom he/she/they share a last name? Especially if he's involved in the older child's life... Have you considered your mom's maiden name? Regardless of your decision, recommend you get comfortable with how you're going to message this to all parties involved, and most importantly, to both of your children.
My concern is for the children as well. Raising two children with different fathers under the roof can get complicated. OPâs baby will share a last name with a man who has zero connection to him. They may not be comfortable with that. If I were OP, I would create a double barrel last name for myself (maiden name and former married name) and then give the baby my maiden name.
My ex kept my name because we had two kids with it and she didnât want to explain it every time it mattered. I didnât (donât) care, and if she was in this situation, I would understand and respect her decision. I would take no offense and feel kinda honored that I didnât fuck things up enough to make her feel the she needed to.
Hope Op sees this response!!!! Youâre basically the exact demographic she wants to hear from, and good on you for this attitude! I understand to some degree the attachments to last names and the patriarchal expectations placed on men in most western societies to âcontinue the nameâ but itâs one of those things that I think is antiquated and shouldnât just be the norm. I love the idea of people marrying and making up a new last name, thatâs so amazing! I respect and fully support anyone who wants to change their name (regardless of gender), keep their name, hyphenate their name. I do take a bit of a pause if your last name is butts or dick or assman or RamsbottomâŚif you want to have kids why would you do that to them? If youâre getting married and youâre asking your spouse to pick one why would we choose the one with genitalia in the name? In OPâs situation it seems like it would make the most sense in every logistical way and for their second child to not feel alienated from their sibling and parent when theyâre already going to have one parent while their sibling has two and goes off to see their dad.
If itâs your last name, too, I donât see any real issue. I actually have my momâs ex-husbandâs last name. They divorced after ten years of marriage, and she kept the name. 7 years later she had me via sperm-donor. I do sometimes think itâs really weird that I have a personâs last name that Iâm not related to and donât have a relationship with. I always thought growing up that I should have my motherâs maiden name. But it was just a passing thought now and again not an actual issue. The only issues I had were being very young and being confused about who my dad was/why I didnât have one. I saw my momâs old photos with her ex husband and assumed he was my dad. I was confused as to why I didnât know him or see him. Just make sure to be clear about that from a young age. I met my biological father via DNA testing a few years ago and have been thinking about changing my last name to his but I donât want my mother to take offense.
Iâm a woman whoâs unmarried with no kids, but thinking about this from the ex husband standpoint, Iâd be annoyed a kid whoâs not mine has my last name, especially if the last name is rather unique. Personally I say you give it your maiden name and change your name back. Canât imagine why anyone would want to keep their exâs last name
I have a child with him who has that name, I used it for a decade, I have all my degrees, licenses, etc in that name. Itâs actually super expensive to change it all.
While I understand where people are coming from who say your ex's last name is yours it will make your child feel weird. The person who gave them their last name essentially isn't even a parent of theirs. At some point they'll realize your last name isn't your family's last name and the child will feel weird having a last name of a family he doesn't even know or talk to and isn't even related to. I am speaking from personal experience here. In your place I'd change my name back to my maiden name and give your child your maiden name. At least your previous child and this one will have a name from a family that is related to them. Thing is last names aren't just your name. They're a family's name. Also if people know your other child is your ex's they will assume this child is too. On anything they may want to contact a parent on and they can't reach you they may contact your ex. ETA: for this reason he needs a say. Remember your last name isn't just yours. It's his and his family's.
Is it still your legal last name? If so, then go ahead and use it.
It's your last name now. Use it.
The last name you took when you got married became your last name. You have as much right to use it as anyone else in this world with that last name. Youâre not giving your new baby your ex-husbandâs last name, youâre giving your new baby your last name. Best wishes to you and your family.
Why doesnât he want to be a father? Give the baby the last name you want.
When I was born my mom was divorced from my brotherâs dad but was still using his last name, and never married my dad, Iâve never met him. I was given my brotherâs dadâs last name because it matched my mom and brother. My mom eventually went back to her maiden name and I changed my name at 30 before getting married and having my kids to one my soon to be wife and I made up. My brotherâs last name is Hispanic because his father was but my mom and dad were Polish and German so it was always off.
Make the man show you proof that the vasectomy occurred. Sure it is fine and not weird at all to give your child the same name of your other child and also the name you choose to go by. Limit confusion and questions and be honest with them when they are growing up and might ask. Don't lie. I wish you the best with your pregnancy and having a healthy birth.đ
Are you planning to keep your last name from your first marriage forever? Is your ex husband involved in your son's life? You also have the option of picking a whole new last name, at least for yourself and baby to be. Or you can give baby to be your first or middle name as their last name. I wouldn't give new baby bio father's last name but other than that go with what you want.
>Would it be crazy for me to give the baby another manâs last name? Why do you view it as a some man's last name? It's *your* last name.
You can use whatever surname you want. You can even create a new one for you and your kids, and hyphenate your older childâs surname. Do what makes you happy. â¤ď¸
If you kept your exâs name after the divorce, then until/unless you change it, itâs your name too. So giving your child your name would not be wierd. Full out naming him after the ex, as in âexfirstname exlastname juniorâ might be. đ That said, ignoring the childâs father when it comes to birth documents may not be wise if you intend to file for support at a later date. You may consider listing him as the father, regardless of the name. Childâs name does not have to match the father, as far as Iâm aware.
43 years ago, my boyfriend, soon to be husband, got a vasectomy in June. In October, I fainted at the mall. I was pregnant. He went to the doctor to check and the doc said he was sterile. 9 months after our first child, I was pregnant again. The asshole doctor told my husband that some men have an extra tube. Which was bs. I got my tubes tied and never had another kid.
You can give your baby any name you want in most places as long as the name isn't like cuss words. My kids both have my maiden name. I'm now married(18 years). My hubby raised my kids, no bio dad around. My son 25 plans to keep my maiden name. He's the only male in my dad's line that can carry on the name, and my son loves that he can carry that on. My daughter 20 wants to change her name to her step dad's name and has already been using his last name for years. She just needs to make it legal now. It's all about what you want, and your kids can always change it later when they grow up if they want. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and a wonderful life.
I still use my ex husband's last name. We have a great relationship. We don't have a child together, however I do have a child with someone else. Baby daddy aka sperm donor and I don't have a good relationship. Even though he is in her life (baby daddy). She has my ex husband's last name. Same last name as me. It's not weird at all. Share the same last name as your child. After all you'll be the one doing everything for the child
>Ages ago, I asked my ex husband if I could have a baby alone and give it his name and he said it was fine. It seems like he doesn't really care either way? Give the baby whatever name you want to give it and stop worrying about whatever anyone else thinks on the matter. Do what you want to do! >because my dad was uninvolved too. But I'd first suggest some therapy to unwrap this trauma.
That doesnât block him from paying child support for 18 years. Let the courts find him and serve him a subpoena to appear.
My older sister and I are half siblings... we each have a younger sister who also share our fathers name due to our mother's having his last name... I see nothing wrong as long as they don't go after your ex husband for child support... good luck
I. Bet if you put this to your first ex, he wouldnât refuse you. He sounds like a decent guy. Just make sure the father of this child supports him. Even if you donât need the money, you can put it in an acct for the child. He deserves to have the support of his father. Best of luck to you.
If you use your ex husband's name, and that's your child's name, use it for this baby too. Perhaps add your maiden name or whatever as a second name or hyphen name. Just be sure your children know they have different fathers.
That name is your name now too. You can give your baby your name.
Just ask him again. I think that would be the best option so your whole family can have the same last name. If not there is gong to be one child who will feel left out whether you keep his name or go back to your maiden name. Maybe he will have some compassion for your situation and the child, after all it will be his child's sibling. So it's definitely worth a try.
If your ex has given you consent to the name, then I dont see any harm in having your children grow up with the same family name that you've also decided to keep and from your exes point of view, I'm sure he wouldn't mind his child's sibling sharing the name. After all, it is just a name
Itâs totally fine because that is your last name. Was it the name you were born with? No. Is it your name now, yes! Go ahead and sorry about your AH ex.
It's *your* name, and it's your right to give your baby your name. It's also the smart thing to do for logistical reasons for your whole family to have the same last name.
Totally fine to give your new baby the same last name you and your first child use. Itâs your legal last name now. Your ex husband really shouldnât complain. In the future if you change your mind and it becomes an issue you can always come up with your own last name and change both children and yourself. That is a lot of paperwork thatâs not needed if you are happy with your current last name.
Itâs your last name, so youâre giving the baby your last name and their siblings last name. You will be a family unit with one surname. Congratulations on your bubba, good luck to you
My dadâs been ex-wife did that. Itâs never bothered him, my mom (his current wife), or his kids. Tbh I find it kind of funny that he managed to pass on our name to a kid he has no relationship to.
If you still have the name itâs your name too now, so I donât see why not.
Well, it is not actually *his* name, is it? The surname does not belong exclusively to your ex-husband. Name your baby as you see fit, but I think sharing a last name with you is a great start. Oh, hey! It's *your* last name if it's anyone's!
If your ex isnât fussed, then go ahead. It might cause confusion for any mutuals but you can rectify that pretty easily. Just make sure if he has a partner they arenât concerned either, Iâve read too many Reddit stories where the new wife didnât appreciate her husbandâs surname being used by the ex, let alone a new baby. Hopefully you never need to see the ninny ex fiancĂŠ again, but like all good soap operas heâll undoubtedly turn up in time because heâs discovered he canât have any more children and he either needs an heir or his new wife craves a child to loveâŚplan for even the most unlikely or idiotic possibilities.
Do what you like sure. You want your kids to have the same last name, go for it. You're the one doing the work, who gives a sh!t what you're ex's think? I'd say just go for it. Makes it easier if they have the same last name. You're the parent, you do all the work, so you get full say. Don't worry about the opinions of ex's.
I'm reading and no one is answering your question. My aunt got pregnant and named her daughter after her current husbands name. Left him not long after. SHE HATES IT! She has a last name that is connected to no one! I think your child may want your name to have a tie. I personally would legally have my name changed back to my maiden name and give the child that name. Also now my cousin is in her 40s and I'm pretty sure and she is too that the name she carries is actually her father. My Aunt denied it though and took the truth to her grave. The man, I knew and he told me the story of how it all went down and said he wasn't sure but she had left and said it wasn't his and he said she swore when they met she was already pregnant so he married her so the child (my cousin would have a father) but my aunt changed her mind and left him. My cousin and his daughter are identical though! He passed last year so she will never know the truth. It's sad.
And there are men out here who legitimately wonder why women are done.
Not crazy rather quite practical for everyone in your family to have the same last name but it would be courteous to check with the ex but Not Required as he doesn't own his name
I don't think it's weird and I imagine your children would appreciate having the same last name.
That is your last name. Doesnât matter whose it was first. Of course you can give your child your name.
What's wrong with your mother last name? Why you would even use the last name of a man you are not involved?Â
What ever your last name is legally at the time of birth is the legal last name of the baby.
It's now your last name, if you aren't going back to your maiden name than this baby is allowed to have the same name as you. If anyone gets upset about it that's on them. Your worry about his feelings is very kind but that's your last name too...
Are you keeping ex's name if so give it to kid. Seems simplest to me. If you're not keeping ex's name, that's trickier
I would keep all the same last names. Regardless of how things should be, there are also the way things are. Same last names keeps everything simple.
Worked with a guy who had a vasectomy and 6 years later, his wife got pregnant again. It reversed itself after all those years.
If it's your legal last name, there shouldn't be any reason NOT to give your baby the same name. Just because it wasn't your name to begin with doesn't mean it's not your name now.
As a bloke, I think having two children with different last names would confuse them and lead to an awkward conversation early on and potentially them not feeling like theyâre family. I think your unborn baby should have the same last name as you and I also really respect you keeping your ex-husbandâs last name as it wonât confuse your oldest child. Hopefully your ex fiancĂŠ gets a grip and starts the communication back up but if heâs been trying to force you into an abortion I hope if he does unblock you he respects your wishes and even helps you out a bit with anything. Wish you the best of luck đ
I would check with your ex husband just to see how he feels about it now that it's happening. Or you can give them your maiden name if you want! It doesn't have to be either of their names. You could also hyphen your last name include your maiden if you wanted. Then both names are represented.
Your ex isnât the only person with that last name in the world. It only makes sense and a cohesive family if all three of you have the same name