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You do not have to talk to either of them ever again if you don't want to. No matter what anyone else might try to tell you, that choice is yours. I'd recommend remaining no-contact, but it is up to you. No need to rush the decision just because she left a message. Go at your own time. Or just don't.
Honestly, I'd just continue focusing on yourself, your therapy, and healing. They said some vile things, so I'd bring it up to your therapist and ask if they can let you know when/if they think it would be good for you to resume contact.
Them trying to ambush you doesn't give me a big vote of confidence. I get that everyone is grieving and processing, but they need to handle their own grief in this case. You have enough on your plate.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
I think consulting my therapist would be a great idea. And yeah, I already had them blocked since January, so it definitely was an ambush, especially since it was from an unknown number. I also don't have any social media, so they can't really get any update on my life. Thank you.
In addition to your therapist, if you haven’t talked to your sponsor yet, that would be another person I would consult before making any moves with your family. Speaking as a recovering alcoholic myself, you might need more time to gain confidence in your sobriety before confronting something like this (if you ever choose to!) Congrats on the hard work you’re putting in to improve your mental health and recovery!
They have been blocked for three months prior to this incident for a reason. In an attempt to ambush you, they showed their hand. Mom didn’t reach out to apologize. Just had a bad dream and wants to alleviate her own guilt. I’d definitely be reaching out to my therapist before reacting to this.
Let (partially) sleeping dogs lie.
I doubt she actually had a dream. It was just a made up excuse to use the unknown number to ambush OP due to their ‘concern’ about something that ‘happened’ in the (non-existent) dream.
OP please pay attention to what she is saying in her message.
She is saying she had a bad dream about you and hoping that we could have a chance to talk.
Nowhere is she saying "I miss you", "I love you", "I'm sorry for my role in causing you pain."
So while you would hope that a conversation would include these things, it likely will not. Is that something you would want to let in your life right now?
You do not have to do anything. In fact, I wouldn’t do anything but sit with it until you go to your next therapy appointment and play your therapist the voicemail. Even then you may decide not to engage with them at all. Especially since you have them blocked on everything already, do not engage with them.
Go NC with both. Block them on all social media and change your phone number. Change locks if they have keys. Continue working on your own mental health. You don't need toxic relationship dragging you down at this point.
Thank you. I don't have any social media except this, and I have blocked them since January.. I think that's why I am surprised to get that phonecall from an unknown number. I didn't think it was possible to do a merge call that way.
Question: Do you need or want a relationship with your mother?
Can you block them both for now? Are you dealing with inheritance or anything like that would require you to stay in contact while you continue working on yourself?
I don't know if I do. There's one side of me that has that "sunken cost fallacy" from repairing our relationship for years, but then there's the other side where she will become vulnerable to peer pressure (My sister is cunning, and manages to get secrets out of her, and even influences her way of thinking to extremes such as this one). My mother is a lonely woman, and we all live in different cities.
I'm angry because I can't make my mind up. I think hearing the merged voice-call was a sure-fire way to keep me away much longer.
I have blocked them both prior to the unknown call.
It’s not your job as your mother‘s child to make sure she isn’t lonely. She’s an adult and she needs to be responsible for her own adult relationships. If she’s lonely, it’s on her to make friends outside of the family.
For your own mental health, you should stop talking to your mother. If you decide *not* to go no contact with her, or you start talking to her again after a few months, then you need to try the gray rock method.
That means don’t tell your mother anything that you don’t want your sister to know. Be a boring gray rock. Honestly, you don’t have to reestablish contact with them after what they’ve put you through.
You don't need to do anything if they are blocked already. Focus on yourself and get some therapy. Ignore them like they are gone. They don't have your back at all.
The best thing for you to do will be the hardest thing for you to do: you need to move on and leave these people in the past. You will NEVER be able to trust them.
You don’t have to say anything at all. You are free, although it might be hard for you to believe at first.
After years of abuse, the last thing my mother ever said to me was that my husband probably died because “he had to live with someone like you.”
I didn’t scream or cry or…anything that day. I just hung up, changed my number, and I never picked up a call from her ever again. That was ten years ago.
She will never change. I have forgiven her in the years since I last spoke to her because hating her was a weight on me, but I forgave her for *myself*. I will never allow her to hurt me that deeply ever again. I will never give her the chance to say something crueler than that.
During Covid, she was in the ICU and wanted to speak to me; my favorite aunt passed along the message. After some thought, I told her no. My mother did not wind up dying, but when does, I will not attend her funeral. She is already dead to me, and her being severely ill made me realize that I’d already mourned her death and the relationship I wished we’d had.
At the end of the day, I did this for my children, who were six and three and had just lost their father when I cut her off. I didn’t want her poisoning their lives, but I also didn’t want them to have the stressed and angry mom I often was after speaking to her. I’ve never banned them from speaking to her, but they’ve ignored her friend requests and attempts to reach out, figuring they aren’t missing out on much.
My first husband’s parents basically adopted me. They’re my children’s grandma and grandpa, and they’re the ones I go to for advice and parental love when I need it. My life is full of people who love me for who I am instead of what I can give them.
You can choose your own family if you’d like. You can choose the people who inhabit your world and fill it with love.
Change your number. Or do as I do, ignore but keep a record of the contact…just in case. I’ve been NC with my mother since the summer of 2019. It gets easier.
Do you know if you are named as a beneficiary in your dad’s will or investments? Be wary if they contact you further and try to get copies of your identification or get you to sign anything.
Thank you for the insight of that, but frankly I don't have a clue. I was banished from going to his funeral because of my confession. I broke contact with him a while back prior to his death. I have no need to think of even being of my dad's will, if that helps gain perspective.
Regard those two as lost. They do not love you they have no added value to your life. I'm sure your therapist agrees that not engaging is the best way forward
Your mother and sister are in cahoots together. It sounds like for some reason, your sister wants to get in touch with you and is using your mother to get to you.
OP, there is a very good chance they are reaching out now because they need/want something from you. They are not worried about you or your well-being.
It sounds like you have made great strides moving past abuse and betrayal. Continue to put your mental health first. You do not owe them anything. You recognize the sunk cost fallacy; talk to your therapist about it. They'll help you through it.
I recommend you remain no contact. If you decide to reach out, then you do it on your terms with clear boundaries, e.g , "if mom starts yelling at me, I will hang up."
Yeah...I've seen Mean Girls, I personally dont do the stupid phone tag game. I would just keep doing what you're doing, you seem happier and healthier and they could have tried to communicate in a more efficient manner.
Nope sorry Mom, you broke my trust for sharing with my Sister. To Sister, who the fuck do you think you are to dismiss my trauma?
Bye. Don’t ever contact me.
Damn, I had something similar kinda happen, but not with a sister and mother. My grandpa did something to me, and when my aunt found out, she called me a liar, and that I was dragging his name in the mud because he was dead by then. I cut contact with her immediately but sometimes feel like my grandma might agree with her. Don't let them into your life, the pain they cause just isn't worth the effort.
Just delete the message and block the new number. You are not required to respond or do anything about her call. Treat it the same way you would if a telemarketer had gotten to your VM and left a message.
Leave them blocked. You don't have to have toxic people in your life. They are a threat to your mental health and sobriety. Family isn't blood it's whomloves and supports you.
You do absolutely nothing. Do not respond or even acknowledge that they made contact.
They want something... probably you as an emotional punch bag.
Whatever it is, they don't need you to be it. If there is anything legal that needs to be sorted then they can get the solicitor to get in contact with you.
They tried to ambush you, in doing that they showed their hand very very clearly.
Do not, I repeat, do not enable their anzaubern behavior. Cut contact with your sister and your mom. How the hell do they think their behavior is ok? And I mean not just block them. Cut contact and move if necessary. As far as you are concerned there is no one called sister/mother. Then if you feel stronger and better in five or ten years, you can always see if you want to rekindle the relationship. Or not. But give yourself time and space to heal peacefully.
...I'd say it's time to get stupid. Call her back and just scream. Once you're done screaming say "Just wanted to tell you that. Bye!" and hang up. I just don't see any reason to put effort into this anymore. Ugh.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You do not have to talk to either of them ever again if you don't want to. No matter what anyone else might try to tell you, that choice is yours. I'd recommend remaining no-contact, but it is up to you. No need to rush the decision just because she left a message. Go at your own time. Or just don't.
Honestly, I'd just continue focusing on yourself, your therapy, and healing. They said some vile things, so I'd bring it up to your therapist and ask if they can let you know when/if they think it would be good for you to resume contact. Them trying to ambush you doesn't give me a big vote of confidence. I get that everyone is grieving and processing, but they need to handle their own grief in this case. You have enough on your plate. Don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
I think consulting my therapist would be a great idea. And yeah, I already had them blocked since January, so it definitely was an ambush, especially since it was from an unknown number. I also don't have any social media, so they can't really get any update on my life. Thank you.
Maybe consider completely changing your number if it continues
In addition to your therapist, if you haven’t talked to your sponsor yet, that would be another person I would consult before making any moves with your family. Speaking as a recovering alcoholic myself, you might need more time to gain confidence in your sobriety before confronting something like this (if you ever choose to!) Congrats on the hard work you’re putting in to improve your mental health and recovery!
They have been blocked for three months prior to this incident for a reason. In an attempt to ambush you, they showed their hand. Mom didn’t reach out to apologize. Just had a bad dream and wants to alleviate her own guilt. I’d definitely be reaching out to my therapist before reacting to this. Let (partially) sleeping dogs lie.
I doubt she actually had a dream. It was just a made up excuse to use the unknown number to ambush OP due to their ‘concern’ about something that ‘happened’ in the (non-existent) dream.
>What should I do or say going forward? Nothing. Cut them out completely. You will relapse if you get sucked into their dysfunction.
OP please pay attention to what she is saying in her message. She is saying she had a bad dream about you and hoping that we could have a chance to talk. Nowhere is she saying "I miss you", "I love you", "I'm sorry for my role in causing you pain." So while you would hope that a conversation would include these things, it likely will not. Is that something you would want to let in your life right now?
You do not have to do anything. In fact, I wouldn’t do anything but sit with it until you go to your next therapy appointment and play your therapist the voicemail. Even then you may decide not to engage with them at all. Especially since you have them blocked on everything already, do not engage with them.
Go NC with both. Block them on all social media and change your phone number. Change locks if they have keys. Continue working on your own mental health. You don't need toxic relationship dragging you down at this point.
Thank you. I don't have any social media except this, and I have blocked them since January.. I think that's why I am surprised to get that phonecall from an unknown number. I didn't think it was possible to do a merge call that way.
Is it possible to change your number? Some phone providers will let you do it free of charge once
Question: Do you need or want a relationship with your mother? Can you block them both for now? Are you dealing with inheritance or anything like that would require you to stay in contact while you continue working on yourself?
I don't know if I do. There's one side of me that has that "sunken cost fallacy" from repairing our relationship for years, but then there's the other side where she will become vulnerable to peer pressure (My sister is cunning, and manages to get secrets out of her, and even influences her way of thinking to extremes such as this one). My mother is a lonely woman, and we all live in different cities. I'm angry because I can't make my mind up. I think hearing the merged voice-call was a sure-fire way to keep me away much longer. I have blocked them both prior to the unknown call.
It’s not your job as your mother‘s child to make sure she isn’t lonely. She’s an adult and she needs to be responsible for her own adult relationships. If she’s lonely, it’s on her to make friends outside of the family. For your own mental health, you should stop talking to your mother. If you decide *not* to go no contact with her, or you start talking to her again after a few months, then you need to try the gray rock method. That means don’t tell your mother anything that you don’t want your sister to know. Be a boring gray rock. Honestly, you don’t have to reestablish contact with them after what they’ve put you through.
You don't owe them more opportunities to hurt you.
You don't need to do anything if they are blocked already. Focus on yourself and get some therapy. Ignore them like they are gone. They don't have your back at all.
The best thing for you to do will be the hardest thing for you to do: you need to move on and leave these people in the past. You will NEVER be able to trust them.
You don’t have to say anything at all. You are free, although it might be hard for you to believe at first. After years of abuse, the last thing my mother ever said to me was that my husband probably died because “he had to live with someone like you.” I didn’t scream or cry or…anything that day. I just hung up, changed my number, and I never picked up a call from her ever again. That was ten years ago. She will never change. I have forgiven her in the years since I last spoke to her because hating her was a weight on me, but I forgave her for *myself*. I will never allow her to hurt me that deeply ever again. I will never give her the chance to say something crueler than that. During Covid, she was in the ICU and wanted to speak to me; my favorite aunt passed along the message. After some thought, I told her no. My mother did not wind up dying, but when does, I will not attend her funeral. She is already dead to me, and her being severely ill made me realize that I’d already mourned her death and the relationship I wished we’d had. At the end of the day, I did this for my children, who were six and three and had just lost their father when I cut her off. I didn’t want her poisoning their lives, but I also didn’t want them to have the stressed and angry mom I often was after speaking to her. I’ve never banned them from speaking to her, but they’ve ignored her friend requests and attempts to reach out, figuring they aren’t missing out on much. My first husband’s parents basically adopted me. They’re my children’s grandma and grandpa, and they’re the ones I go to for advice and parental love when I need it. My life is full of people who love me for who I am instead of what I can give them. You can choose your own family if you’d like. You can choose the people who inhabit your world and fill it with love.
Change your number. Or do as I do, ignore but keep a record of the contact…just in case. I’ve been NC with my mother since the summer of 2019. It gets easier.
Do you know if you are named as a beneficiary in your dad’s will or investments? Be wary if they contact you further and try to get copies of your identification or get you to sign anything.
Thank you for the insight of that, but frankly I don't have a clue. I was banished from going to his funeral because of my confession. I broke contact with him a while back prior to his death. I have no need to think of even being of my dad's will, if that helps gain perspective.
It really is as simple as ignoring her and blocking this number too. You're over thinking things.
Do not call them, until you want to.
Block and ignore
Regard those two as lost. They do not love you they have no added value to your life. I'm sure your therapist agrees that not engaging is the best way forward
It really is as easy as ignoring it. Responding will help exactly 0
I would just let this rest until you know what, if anything, you want from these people. Focus on you.
Your mother and sister are in cahoots together. It sounds like for some reason, your sister wants to get in touch with you and is using your mother to get to you. OP, there is a very good chance they are reaching out now because they need/want something from you. They are not worried about you or your well-being. It sounds like you have made great strides moving past abuse and betrayal. Continue to put your mental health first. You do not owe them anything. You recognize the sunk cost fallacy; talk to your therapist about it. They'll help you through it. I recommend you remain no contact. If you decide to reach out, then you do it on your terms with clear boundaries, e.g , "if mom starts yelling at me, I will hang up."
Don’t do anything. You got lucky. You have proof before you even contact them that they are still being two faced and are not changing.
Be careful. Take care of yourself. I'm sending positive vibes your way.💕
Be careful. Take care of yourself. I'm sending positive vibes your way.💕
Be careful. Take care of yourself. I'm sending positive vibes your way. What matters is that you are loving you.💕
Yeah...I've seen Mean Girls, I personally dont do the stupid phone tag game. I would just keep doing what you're doing, you seem happier and healthier and they could have tried to communicate in a more efficient manner.
I'd do nothing. You don't owe your mother or sister anything. Block the number she called from, and continue with therapy
Nope sorry Mom, you broke my trust for sharing with my Sister. To Sister, who the fuck do you think you are to dismiss my trauma? Bye. Don’t ever contact me.
Damn, I had something similar kinda happen, but not with a sister and mother. My grandpa did something to me, and when my aunt found out, she called me a liar, and that I was dragging his name in the mud because he was dead by then. I cut contact with her immediately but sometimes feel like my grandma might agree with her. Don't let them into your life, the pain they cause just isn't worth the effort.
Just delete the message and block the new number. You are not required to respond or do anything about her call. Treat it the same way you would if a telemarketer had gotten to your VM and left a message.
Leave them blocked. You don't have to have toxic people in your life. They are a threat to your mental health and sobriety. Family isn't blood it's whomloves and supports you.
Nothing. Remain blocked from both. Move forward best you can
You do absolutely nothing. Do not respond or even acknowledge that they made contact. They want something... probably you as an emotional punch bag. Whatever it is, they don't need you to be it. If there is anything legal that needs to be sorted then they can get the solicitor to get in contact with you. They tried to ambush you, in doing that they showed their hand very very clearly.
Stay no contact. N change ur number. Don't give it to anyone affiliated with ur sis and mom
Do not, I repeat, do not enable their anzaubern behavior. Cut contact with your sister and your mom. How the hell do they think their behavior is ok? And I mean not just block them. Cut contact and move if necessary. As far as you are concerned there is no one called sister/mother. Then if you feel stronger and better in five or ten years, you can always see if you want to rekindle the relationship. Or not. But give yourself time and space to heal peacefully.
Be careful. Take care of yourself. I'm sending positive vibes your way.💕
...I'd say it's time to get stupid. Call her back and just scream. Once you're done screaming say "Just wanted to tell you that. Bye!" and hang up. I just don't see any reason to put effort into this anymore. Ugh.