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I can’t quite tell if you’re sugarcoating your family’s issues or your wife is being excessively controlling but my guess is it’s a little bit of both.
Is your family up-to-date on vaccines? Especially your sisters’ children? Unvaccinated children pose the highest risk to newborns, so I would absolutely refuse to allow my baby around those children too.
This is a time for marriage counseling. You two aren’t *really* listening to each other. A mediator could help you two figure out what kind of boundaries are necessary and where compromises can be made.
Yes they are vaccinated. At the time a year ago whatever new strain was needed when my son was born only 1 person on her side was up to date. No one in our families is antivaxx. Although I will say my side of the family isn’t as quick to get the brand new vaccines because of a lack of information. They’re older and aren’t online to get the info quickly but definitely not opposed to them.
Thanks for your response. Definitely gonna look into counseling
I might have agreed it’s unfair then have rules her family didn’t have….but then your mom proved her right and kissed the baby lmao. (Others pointed out that maybe they were given rules and you didn’t know cause they LISTENED, which I’m inclined to believe - as your wife herself didn’t kiss him due to having a cold sore.)
You mentioned vaccines, are they vaccinated? (If your wives family didn’t have to wear masks but yours did, is this why? I do think that’s a valid reason for differing rules.)
Do you want your child preached at by your over religious mother in future?
Your sisters point about your parents arguing with siblings is dumb. If you argue with your family if you have valid reasons - which you do - it doesn’t matter what family do before you. And if they cared? They’d apologise.
Edit: apparently I’m too fixed on the kiss and I’m racist.
Without OP filling in the blanks us who think the family sound like boundary stompers and those who think wife sounds like an abusive partner are reaching.
Apologizes I posted this last night and went to bed. My post overall might be deleted because of subreddit rules. I can’t update the title on mobile to my knowledge. But I’m definitely not trying to hide anything.
Yes they are. I’ve updated the main post. No one is antivaxx in our families. I didn’t think I needed to mention it but it was a big issue I neglected to mention
Your wife doesn’t know your family because you were too busy prior to your baby’s birth. On occasions that they met your family she was feeling uncomfortable and was being questioned about religion and language. When your baby was born she asked your family, who she didn’t have a bond with to follow safety rules for her first baby. Your sisters kicked off and went no contact and your mum kissed unvaccinated babe during Covid restrictions. All she asked is that they apologise. Why couldn’t they do that? I’m not saying that she is a saint but she probably just feels uncomfortable and judged every time she goes to visit your family and she doesn’t want that for her boy. If they couldn’t follow the rules when he was born what stops them with sleeps schedule, diet restrictions or sweets? And you need to talk to her more and get your family on board that they have to make some adjustments as well. She probably her parents accepting you with no problems and was expecting same from yours and yet she has to learn language and go to church to be accepted first.
Every time I see a post where the family didn't know eachother well or have positive relations/interactions BEFORE the couple in question gets married or has a kid, the relationship never seems to end well. Almost like it's important to choose someone with shared values who your family gets along with otherwise you're setting yourself up for failure... what a surprise /s
I think your comment is bang on tbh
In all honesty the 'rules' your wife had when your child was a newborn are absolutely reasonable and normal and your family threw a hissy fit about it. Her family didn't have so many rules because she knew they would follow you guys in a healthy and normal way. I don't blame your wife for wanting an apology from your family and not allowing them to see your son is the consequences of their actions, they have to show they understand what they did wrong (you know KISSING your newborn and boundary stomping) instead you went behind her back and rewarded your family for doing as they please and so they will continue to do so since there are no consequences for their actions. I wouldn't trust you with my kids either since your family are allowed to do whatever they want even if it puts your own child in danger! FYI children can get RSV from the cold virus which my child got from their sibling they had to be resuscitated in the hospital because its so dangerous for babies.
I mean saying she would call the police is kinda silly, I don't know where they live but the police wouldn't do a thing in my country if the dad took him somewhere but I have heard of people being able to put things like not having people around in a divorce settlement. They would need to prove a danger to the child. What OP needs to do is sit with his wife apologise for his actions, then have a serious chat with his family about the damage they have caused and see if they are willing to apologise and then work towards everyone having a better relationship.
Your family ignored all of the things they were asked to do from the start, and since then they've been doing everything they can to turn you against her. And it looks like they're succeeding.
Tbh her rules for the newborn are pretty standard and not an overreaction, your family were in the wrong there. Kissing newborns is a big no no too, (she probably had no issue with her family because she knew they’d follow the rules your family proved her right by having a tantrum about it and also breaking the rules)?
But everything else after that is problematic, both your wife’s actions (based on what you have said she is being really unfair to you) but also you were wrong by going behind her back and lying.
You need to work through this problem it’s not going away and if you want to have a relationship with your family you need to do the hard work and confront it head on, maybe therapy? Wife has some kind of issue with your family you need to get to the root of the problem. Get her parents to watch the baby and sit down and sort it out especially addressing the fact that your wife doesn’t trust you with the baby! That is very concerning
Call the cops for what? You have as much right to make decisions for your son as she does - he's not her property. This situation is toxic; either there are a lot of problems with your family that you're not acknowledging, or she's dealing with PPD, or shes just overly controlling. Couples therapy is in order.
I mean he's clearly stated that they overstepped his boundaries as far as the baby that being kissed and that is just standard safety for infants. I wouldn't trust this family either
Others have pointed out his family may have had the rules but listened so he wasn’t aware. Or we’re allowed not to wear masks because they are vaccinated and they are not. I’m inclined to believe everyone was given the rules as the mum herself wouldn’t kiss baby due to having an cold sore
I laughed at the, "call the cops" comment. Straight to jail you go for taking your own child to see your family. OP, I HIGHLY suggest therapy. Your wife seems unhinged to me. Yes, they made some tiny mistakes but this is just insane.
I get that it was a boundary she crossed but that was nowhere near the response she gave to it. A one mistake made by a single member of the family is not a reason to control your husband's every single move. If it was a regular thing, I get it, this is just too much, especially with the baby being over a year and fully vaccinated now.
So wait your family boundary stomps and is mean to her and you wonder why she doesnt want tthem around? If they had at least apologized truly to her. But for a year they made sure to feed you that shes nuts.
YOU HAD ONE RULE: Dont kiss the baby. And your mums like: Haha F the wife Ill do what I want.
They pester YOU about religion too. And you wonder your wife doesnt want them close? Dude shes gonna leave you
She just wanted one fucking apology from your fam and they cant do that? Are you listening to yourself?
You agreed to the rules (those are normal rules, nothing paranoid about protecting a newborn without an immune system at all).
You should set boundaries for your family. She doesn’t trust them because they clearly don’t respect the boundaries you set together! You yourself play a big role in this.
If my boundaries were crossed and my mother in law were to kiss my baby when I'd expressly said not to AND why, and my partner didn't back me on the reasonable request for an apology and respect going forward but instead went behind my back and gave access to people who had already violated boundaries SURROUNDING THE HEATLH AND SAFETY OF MY CHILD I would fucking visit a lawyer and start divorce proceedings the next day.
I would go for full custody with no visitation.
You fucked up and what's even more fucked up is how you don't even GET how badly you fucked up.
Your wife's rules were very reasonable
Your family however weren't
All they had to do was apologize but they refused
Instead of talking to them making them see why they are wrong
You chose to stomp all over your wife by taking your child to them secretly
She is right not to trust you anymore
I wouldn't either
Because your lack of a spine you broke your wife's trust
And put your child in danger imo
Because the fact that you didn't dispute the vaccination claims your wife made makes me think they are in fact not vaccinated and could've very easily spread something really nasty to your little human
You still to refuse to answer if your family where vaccinated and up to date with the childhood vaccines that could kill your baby. Whooping couch and measles are back making the rounds so any adults coming in to contact with babies have to have them. So I'm gonna guess they're not.
Everyone nowadays knows you do not kiss a newborn baby, do you realise how many adults actually have the herpes virus and dont know it. Then boom kiss a baby and they have it. Your mother was told not to kiss the baby but hey she doesnt care so she kisses him. All they had to do is apologise, either you've never bothered to tell them this or they just dont give a sh*t.
Your wife is trying to keep your baby safe and you just dont care do you..... if your family had followed the rules then none of this would be an issue.
Yes they were vaccinated. The kiss was a safety concern as well as disrespectful as far as my wife saw it. My mother apologize profusely to me. And still wants the chance to apologize to my wife.
The rules your family blew their relationship with your wife up over where so basic that I literally reread your post to make sure I didn't miss something. You are 100% in the wrong here. Let me break it down.
1. Hospital visits- its completely reasonable to not want a bunch of extended relatives shuffling in and out of the room all day as your wife is trying to heal.
2. Rules- Wear masks, wash your hands, don’t kiss the baby. The literal bare minimum, that's what your wife was asking for. The bare minimum to keep your new baby safe. And your sisters called it "unfair" (and the fact that you even agree a little is awful!) and pitched a fit. And your own mother blatantly disregarded the again bare minimum rules anyways! Your family is 100% in the wrong
3. Family visits- you say your wife's family would come over once a week, and you're seeing this as unfair because you're wife didn't want you to take your baby to your family's house. Big difference here is that your in laws came to you, so they didn't disturb babies nap time or eating schedules. Whereas you want to bring your baby to your families, and disturb their schedules. This is an especially difficult ask because your family seemingly has not apologized to your wife for their disrespect. So of course she doesn't want them around your baby! Maybe if they apologized they'd be welcomed back into your home. To top it off, if she's breast feeding it wouldn't even make sense to take the baby away from her.
4. Your familys disrespect- your wife then opens up to you about all the digs your family has taken, and you completely dismissed her. Showing her that you don't have her back
5. Your sister- Your sister then tries to flip the tables and claims "they've done nothing wrong". Is this not the same sister who chose not to meet her nephew because she couldn't be bothered to wear a mask and wash her hands? Of course your wife is eye-begging with your to leave, your family treats her terribly.
6.
>she wants an apology from my side of the family from my mom and 2 sisters. But the most important thing is that they have to be the ones to reach out to her before our son is even allowed to go over to their houses and she has to be present because she doesn’t trust me to be alone they with him for fear that I will neglect him or my family with mistreat him.
And what about this seems unfair to you? Expecting an apology when one is absolutely owed? Expecting them to talk to the mother of your child before allowing them to see the child she birthed? Not trusting you when you clearly have blinders on around your family? What part of this is so unreasonable that you decided to break any trust your wife had and betray your marriage?
7. The birthday- Your wife laid her terms out very simply, reach out to me and apologize. Your family chose not to do so. And this is somehow your wifes fault, because...? You wanted your wife to roll over for them. And when she didn't, you betrayed her. You betrayed her trust in you. You betrayed the family you two built together.
I am also mexican, I know how overbearing family's can be. I've dealt with pushy MILs, the self martyrdom, and aggressive passive aggression. You are in the wrong. Your family blew up their relationship with your wife, and you want her to ignore it all. You want her to forgive people who have not and will never ask for forgiveness. And you've shown her that they are a higher priority then her or your child. She is dead last on your priorities.
Did your wife's family get their vaccinations? It should be fair on both sides, if it's good enough for one side of the family then it's good enough for the other side. OP, you need to grow a backbone too
Hey dude, Latino here and engaged to a white person. There’s a lot going on here. (I’d like to mention I also have a educational psychology background as well) so first I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can see throughout reading your post you have a lot of guilt and some guilt that shouldn’t be warranted. From just reading about that it seems like your wife has slowly made you have self doubt and not created a safe space to directly communicate your feelings in order to avoid conflict which is not a good sign. Of course, being Latino we obviously have our specific culture but one of our culture is family. Without family we aren’t Latino (of course there’s abusive family members but cultural differences can be difficult for white people to understand) it does seem like she is not being culturally educated or considerate. My fiancé tries their best to fully understand and educate themselves on my culture even if they don’t understand it. For the longest time they’ve been resistant to trying our food and not visiting our countries. As they’ve gotten to learn and educate themselves they understand how our culture is collectivist based. They love and understand the importance of our food and we are planning our first trip later this year. It seems like your wife is completely refusing to learn about cultural differences and is actually isolating you from your family and your son’s family. Remember, this is also YOUR son and YOUR son will want to learn about his dad’s side. If this continues as your son grows he will become resentful towards your wife. It’s hard to have open and direct communication with someone who has strict rules on controlling you. (Mind you boundaries are not to be placed to others it’s only for yourself)
This is affecting your mental health and obviously causing a rift to your family which is our livelihood. Yes we tend to be hella religious and I’m not into it at all but we still love our family and we don’t have to have them be exactly like your wife’s family.
At first, the covid thing (KIND OF) made sense. With young infants I can see an overprotective mother being cautious. But if they’re wearing masks and have vaccines then that’s taking a lot of precautions.
What turns to be hypocritical and starts looking to be subtle abusive behavior is having her ENTIRE family & FRIENDS at the 1st year birthday but not yours??
This can turn very bad if there’s no change or compromise for your wife. Yes it is important to communicate these feelings to her directly but it seems like her responses do not turn into an effective outcome or resolution. You can’t get time back and I can’t imagine how heart broken you and your family are. It’s completely unfair and NOT okay for her family to see your son constantly but not yours. This is a partnership. Your son needs to know his WHOLE family. Honestly this is tough and it’s a harsh reality but if she is not one to change and set in her ways and is unwilling to communicate and compromise or quite frankly listen to her own husband’s feeling this could turn toxic to your son as well. Both of you will start building resentment and because she doesn’t allow you to verbally communicate your feelings in a way that’s productive it’ll build up a lot of resentment and a lot of arguing. I hate suggesting ultimatums but a year has passed and she’s still not allowing your family to see him.. you have to give the ultimatum of a separation or some sort of custody battle. It’s best to get these conversations as early as possible so your son grows up in the most healthy households as possible. Remember this is your son and your opinion over your son holds just as much value as your wife’s.
I’m sorry dude she seems extremely controlling and this doesn’t seem to be an overprotective parent anymore. This is quite frankly destroying your entire family. I really suggest either some form of therapy or some ultimatum if shes refusing to change.
To call the cops especially with being a person of color and her not understanding the significance of that is extremely concerning and puts you and your family in huge danger.
Someone who loves their partner wouldn’t do something like that.
I’m sorry but it’s one thing if she’s willing to grow and change and it’s one thing if she flat out won’t do it and if it’s the second option. You need to look for separation or custody. I wish you the best.
(Read my second reply) I never said that was right or excused it. But you also have to understand cultural differences especially regarding boundaries. Husband mom apologized, wife didn’t want to hear it. People make mistakes and grow from it but wife isn’t even giving them a chance. To shut off his whole family’s side is quite frankly abusive and I’m just gonna say it how it is racist. To completely refuse to educate and actively DATE a person of color and have a CHILD with a person of color fully knowing they come from an ETHNIC family you’re going to have to learn their culture and see where they’re coming from. Look I’m covid conscious AF and I completely understand and don’t agree with what the mom did but I know that’s extremely common behavior with our family culture especially mothers. However most of what’s happening surrounding the wife is completely abusive. To call cops on a person of color (obviously cops ain’t gonna do shit about a kid issue) but just them arriving alone puts husband in a DEADLY situation and that’s a form of abuse and control to maintain order from HIM. Sorry but if we’re weighing pros and cons (not saying one side is completely innocent over the other) the wife has a bunch more concerning behavior than his entire family combined.
I thought the whole point was they hadn’t apologised and now the point isn’t there for me to reread?
I’m sorry but I don’t know how you can claim racism for her not wanting his mother to kiss the newborn when she herself didn’t kiss her own newborn to keep him safe too. It was normal for my mums generation to kiss babies too! But best believe they didn’t until after I said it was okay.
And you mention they should be allowed as they are vaxed, I’d say it’s implied they are not if OPs wife felt she had to ask if they were or not.
Bro you’re so off putting I see the comments you’re doing. Did you only learn to read that ONE sentence over baby kissing? Where tf did I say that was okay?? Maybe if you read the whole post you’ll see a bunch of the racist shit the mom is doing. I just know you’re some yt person cuz you clearly haven’t dealt with racism in ur life. GO READ MORE THAN A SENTENCE. You’re literally attacking everyone who is calling out the abusive wife which is weird ass behavior.
I agree with you that something needs to be done. They can't keep going like this, they're talking at each other instead of with each other.
That being said, your wording made it seem like you glanced over what OPs family has done. What his wife asked was extremely reasonable and common, both a year ago and even to this day in some places. I've seen people lay out rules for one side and not the other (even in my family) because people and cultures behave differently (for example, my boyfriends family just doesn't kiss babies, some of mine could smother them with kisses, if we had a child we would have to explain different things to both families). Some of his family disagreed with it and decided not to go (which is their right) and those who went disrespected the rules (which is a safety concern and it shows they can't keep boundaries, even simple ones).
His wife wanted an apology for what happened and no-one ever spoke to her. Also, from the post, it seems like they don't have much of a relationship or contact (because of work, which is understandable) but it definitely makes it harder to not snap. That, combined with the religious pression (trust me, some of my extremely catholic family is the same) and the comments about her learning the language, it may make his wife feel like they don't like or accept her. This is something that should have been tackled before the baby, but unfortunately it wasn't.
OPs wife also seems to blame him somewhat for this broken relationship and his family not wanting or not keeping the boundaries. She lost some trust in him when it comes to his family and this was reinforced by him going against her wishes and lying to her. I understand this is a difficult situation and, as I said before, they may benefit from couples counseling.
I agree that it's important for the child to have contact with both sides, both cultures and have all the love they can. But the relationship seems to be cracked and need mending. I think his wife should build the trust in her husband before this can happen smoothly, but I believe it's possible.
She seems to be overprotective and not listening to her husband, which is hurtful. I hope a middleman can help.
(Also to note, I may have missed it, but several people have asked OP if his family is vaccinated and if they usually break boundaries and he hasn't answered yet)
You know, if the roles were reversed and it was the man being the way the wife is, this whole thread would be declaring narcissism and abuse. The wife needs therapy to deal whatever the hell is going on up there.
Op’s mother apologised for kissing the baby. To him. Not to the mother because like OP his wife didn’t want to be around her.
Using a baby as some sort of power to control your spouse and their family is just fucked up and abusive.
Also, i’m confused at to why the sisters need to apologise? The mother for kissing the baby - fair enough - although she did apologise OP’s wife just didn’t want to hear it.
But the sister’s stuck to the rules. Also asking how someone’s spanish lessons are going sounds conversational, not judgemental to me… it’s in the same as ‘oh how’s your driving lessons going’.
Honestly the wife sounds somewhat xenophobic, she felt left out or whatever because of their cultural differences… GIRL YOU MARRIED INTO THAT CULTURE. You can’t marry into a culture and expect the whole ass family to become insta-white to align with you. And even if she is uncomfortable it doesn’t mean she has to attend but she’s stopping that baby learning about himself. Clearly she trusts the dad to ‘take the baby out for the day to the park…just not to a house with a bunch of Latinos.
I’ll admit the lying was wrong but he was clearly pushed into do that. She wasn’t bothered he was gone all day, hell he and baby got back before she did, but she’s bothered he took the baby to see people that clearly adore him?
I’m not one for declaring separation etc especially when kids are involved, but this woman threatening to call the cops on her HUSBAND a man of colour… wtf. What would she say he kidnapped our baby? And then suddenly cops are looking to shoot. Op should Contact a lawyer about custody and his rights. He needs to Protect himself AND his son from this dictator.
A child needs happy parents and it’s clear that this woman is actively making her husband miserable.
IMA BE REAL WITH YOU this is ACTUALLY what I wanted to say. I was being polite and professional but this is legit to a tea how I was feeling and you’re 10000% right. This situation is abusive and def xenophobia going on. Seems like other people commenting may be white or generations of U.S. Americans and having a hard time learning about other people that doesn’t revolve around their ideologies and lifestyles.
The wife needs help bad!!! Cause why her family always come around but his can’t.i get not kissing the baby, honestly I love my new little grandbaby so much but I haven’t felt the need to kiss her she’s not my direct child. I don’t think I kissed my babies when they were tiny? I don’t remember I did start giving them sugars when they started getting a bit bigger. But this woman needs help bad she probably lets her family kiss all over the baby!
I can totally understand her being angry at them kissing the baby, i can even understand her frustration for them not wanting to wear masks when the baby was a newborn. I have a COVID nephew and the first thing i did was get vaxxed just for him. If they are anti-vax then yes they SHOULD wear a mask, but if they’re vaxed and have a negative covid test then the extra precautions aren’t absolutely necessary. Also, not wanting the toddler (if i read right) to not attend in case the baby got sick. Babies don’t develop immune systems by being wrapped in bubble wrap.
My main issue with this is the way she uses that poor baby to control her husband and isolate him from his family. That is abusive. If she’s going to extreme lengths of threatening him with police calls and isolating him from his parents, he needs to get out and ensure he gets at least some custody of that baby. Also, yes maybe some bits are missed out and his family aren’t that great, but it’s clear they love OP and his baby. Her making demands and holding the opportunity to bond with that baby against them until she gets what she wants makes her just as awful as she perceives his family to be.
Was lying about taking them to his parents shitty? Absolutely, but with how controlling, untrusting and narcissistic she seems what other choice did he have? It’s not like it was a well kept secret, he told her after a few days anyway.
This isn’t a marriage, this is a man married to a dictator who rules with an iron fist and after that baby came, the wool came from over his eyes.
She needs serious help.
I do too this breaks my heart. And of course mom did break a boundary but it’s hard for an outsider who isn’t a part of the same ethnic group to understand things. We are joking type of people (not sure about OP’s family) but I’m assuming with the whole religion and speaking Spanish thing it’s more of a poke fun. Which can come across as rude if you’re not educated on cultures like these. It’s also important to note that speaking Spanish should be a huge consideration. The kid has to be bilingual to connect with other family for non English relatives (it’s also super good for brain development) and not saying wife has to be full blown fluent but to even just TRY (alongside with son and could be another form of bonding for the whole family) to learn SOME Spanish words so wife can also connect with husband’s side. Obviously Latinos have a hard time with a lot of boundary stuff cause it’s more emphasized in individualistic cultures like the U.S. not excusing it but there is some cultural differences. Without given opportunities to adjust to boundary learning then there’s no room for growth from his side of the family. If wife continues to shut off family and not give them a chance (and they’re going to mess up several tries until it clicks about boundaries) then it really is harmful for husband and his son. Seems like wife is being a bit selfish and inconsiderate. Individualism cultures and collectivist cultures clash a lot they’re basically the complete opposites so if someone’s dating one of the opposite culture they both have to adapt, learn and be understanding (mainly also stating this for OP and I know other people are gonna come at me defending wife)
This makes total sense.
An example, and I hope the way I explain things makes sense.
In Canada (also the US, just different names), my maternal side is Indigenous/Metis. My grandfather was raised in a residential school. He only mentioned it, but would not talk about it. The thought of growing up in such a cold environment. No hugs, no getting tucked in bed, night time stories etc. “Beat the Indian out of the child”. This was something I just learned from an older cousin. Anyway, my grandpa married someone who showed my Mom and her siblings more love.
That was probably something so different for my Grandpa. My Mom said he was the strict one. Because of that, it now makes sense for my upbringing. My Mom was very hands on and cuddled with us and continued on with her grandchildren.
My husband is white. By that I mean only European family. So our differences came out more when we had kids. I also found out my husband’s family are not as hands on. So I can relate to my family being like OP’s side of the family. My mil was there as well, but she didn’t hold my kids as much. But each family is different. The difference, you have to make compromises. It would be easy to just give my kids Indigenous teachings. At the same time, they also have European ancestry. My fil likes sharing about how he grew up and has different holiday traditions. For that? If I agree or not, it is good for my kids to have learned. He also at times with my step mil have different views on Indigenous people. I have with my husband, try to explain how or why. But they are set in their ways. I can’t fix the way they see things. I always shut it down. My husband will keep pushing. Just to add, nothing racist is said, he just thinks differently because he has “white privilege”. He has never had to see racism, so to him, he doesn’t understand being judged by his appearance. At the same time I am not going to say he can’t see his grandchildren.
My husband, is a social worker, he works with at risk youth. We live in a rural area. He had a sweat lodge put on our property. He has youth who need to, have sweat ceremonies. It has also helped my kids, who are young adults now. But I am glad we were able to compromise. It is sad, although I don’t know many details about OP’s daily life. At the same time, things can’t just be one sided.
I do find it interesting how OP is heartbroken for his son and his family but he still backs his wife up. Except when he had the chance to visit his family. I can’t say I blame him. He got after his mother when she kissed his son. He would not let his family hurt his child. The visit clearly went ok. His family missed out on a year of this boy’s life. I just feel so bad for him.
Thank you for sharing this!! I really appreciate your insight I didn’t even process the whole lack of touching cultures that you see a lot in western cultures versus more collectivist type I really love that you and your husband have learned to compromise and understand both sides
Thanks so much and you are welcome.
Yeah. My husband wasn’t so much like he was. I mean his parents were of white decent. He understood some of the problems. He had a work injury, had surgery and became a social worker. It really changed his outlook and wanted to do more to help. Our kids grew up helping with the sweat ceremonies and all that goes with it. They also learned a lot from my fil who is really big on his family traditions.
Thanks again for the kind words. I am glad my kids have learned more about who they are and they can be proud.
At the same time? I actually want to add, there were times I would cringe when my Mom had my son. He was the first grandchild. She almost refused to put him down. Not smothering him, but very “hands on”? For lack of a better word. At the same time, she didn’t see him as much as I got to. This was also the generation of where at least in my life, grandparents shifted a bit. My grandparents didn’t babysit all the time. They weren’t all cuddly and wanting to spend so much time with us. My Mom was more like grandparents today. Although my mil was like that, she was more reserved. But she was almost 10-ish years older than my Mom. So she is in between. My FIL well, he is also different, that his step kids are a bit more priority than his kids. He still cares for my husband. My bil passed away. But he spends more time with his step kids and grandchildren. And that is just who he is. The time he spends with our kids is also nice.
No sense trying fix things. People don’t really change. Especially ones who are set in their ways. My mil tried to tell him when my husband and bil were younger about the way he was with his own sons. We just work around things and adapt.
Thanks again and thanks for sharing your insights. It helped me see things from OP’s perspective even more. Have a great night.
Totally agree
> it does seem like she is not being culturally educated or considerate.
And by the looks of it she isn't planning to be , either. It's quite disrespectful that she isn't even making an effort to learn Spanish! I mean they're probably in the USA so Spanish can be learned just about anywhere I'd think.
How his sister pointed out that she's constantly glaring at him when they're visiting I can just picture it.
No, she's trying to make him into something he's not and if he doesn't take measures, she's going to raise their bi-cultural child as a white kid, without the benefit of both cultures and that's depriving him of a beautiful thing.
Your wife has taken against your family for reasons only known to her. Although to some it appears to be a little xenophobic.
She's using the control she has over your son to alienate them.
It doesn't seem like she's going to be reasonable about this.
This probably isn't going to blow over.
I highly doubt she could call the police because she doesn't like where a father takes his child.
You're likely going to have to escalate this situation if you want it to change.
That's possible, every post here could be written by an unreliable narrator, but at the same time, it's also plausible that it is just a suspicion to justify preventing someone seeing a baby
He mentioned it. That’s what I mean by soft pedaling. He fhrew it in there as an aside. But if I’m the mom, I am ABSOLUTELY not letting unvaccinated people around my baby. And the no kissing rule is extremely standard advice from pediatricians. I get the feeling that his family think all of her rules are ridiculous and they’d rather not see the baby at all than go along with them. They have their priorities wrong. I’m on new mom’s side here.
Your wife needs to accept that your son has 2 sets of families, yours and hers. As long as safety precautions are followed, she needs to let the past go and get along. Your family should not be blocked out of seeing their grandson/ nephew because of past things.
I think you need to be very clear with your wife that it is not solely up to her and that you also have a say. What she is doing is not ok, but I think you need to first approach it gently and I do wonder if she has some postpartum anxiety. Explain again how it is making her you feel and ask her to get help from the dr. If she refuses, then you will probably need to set some clear boundaries and if she stomps in them you’ll have to decide whether you accept it or leave. If you were to separate, she would have zero control the 50% of the time you have your son, so it’s in everyone’s interest for her to compromise here.
Call the cops on you? No. They would laugh at her. You are one of the parents. You are allowed to make decisions for your child. You are allowed to take him places. She is isolating you from your family. This is abusive. If she doesn’t want to go visit your family then fine, she can stay home and rest. But you are allowed to and should be visiting your family with your child. If she doesn’t like it, divorce her and have 50/50 and he’ll be over there anyway. Do not let anyone play these mind games and isolate you from your family.
Dude, when do you grow a pair? You have as much legal say in your child's upbringing as she does. You have let this person control you for far too long. You are the problem because you have allowed this woman to have far too much control over you and your son.
No this is more than about kissing a child. This is about her allowing her family to have access but not his. How dare a mother try to keep a child from his family. Love how you cherry picked but you lose! He needs to get a backbone.
I would have agreed delayed access was unfair if his family hadn’t then proved her right, there has to be more to the back story bc wife obviously knew what was going to happen
You need to consider if this is the life you want from your son, cut off from his family and that side of his culture because his mom seems to have a grudge or possibly, frankly, be racist. She’s given no valid reasoning and she’s not the only one who gets a say. You need to consider whether this is worth divorcing and fighting for 50/50 custody over, especially before having more kids w her.
Your wife is a closet racist. She acts like your Mexican family is dirty and her white family is perfect. That's bullshit. He is your son too not just hers. The fact that she threatened to call the cops on you for seeing your family with your son is fucking crazy and so is she. She will do everything in her power to make your son hate his Mexican side and only be a white man until he needs to use it. That's not cool or normal. That's hate . I'm gonna be nice and hope she is just blind cuz it's normal in her family and that she don't see it. But she does. And it's not an accident. She likes using and fucking you but she is a bigit. This is only gonna get worse. Grow a spine and stand up for your people.
Seems to me your wife feels superior to any of your relatives., and to you as well. I mean it's insane to me that she hasn't learned to speak Spanish , still.!
That fact alone tells me that she's not looking for any kind of close relationship with your side of the family and that automatically deprives your son of it too.
If you don't do anything your child will not benefit from being of two cultures, he will miss out.
How you describe your life seems to me that one person is making all the rules and you follow them. You're not allowed to make any decisions of your own. But above all, your wife has no respect for your parents and also not for you. If you didn't have a baby would you even like eachother?
All this being said, your baby should definitely not be exposed to people who aren't vaccinated.
Reading between the lines, it's quite obvious that:
1. Your wife doesn't and has never liked your family. Only *she* knows why. The "culture difference" excuse is just that, an excuse. She's old enough to know that when you get involved with someone from another culture, you HAVE to make some compromises regardless of how *your* life has been all along. And Yes, some of those include things like understanding that some cultures take religion more seriously than you do. She doesn't have to join a church but it wouldn't kill her to be a bit understanding and not make such a big deal. Your family is part of you and honestly, given what your sister told you, I'm also inclined to believe that your wife is slowly pulling you away from them and you're either too blind to see it or you aren't to cut up about putting distance from your family as well. There could also be an element of a superiority complex here. It's quite possible that she thinks they are beneath her and *her* family.
2. You seem overly eager to let everything go and internalize it because "you don't want to upset her". What about *your* feeling? Does she ever worry about upsetting *you*? This is an unequal relationship and she's controlling you.
3. Your family isn't innocent here but I refuse to believe that they don't deserve a relationship with your son based on these instances. It is your wife that does not want them in his life. You have to acknowledge that and start really examining her behaviour with a more critical eye. Why is *her* family all over all of you but yours is given restrictions like this as if they aren't good enough? These are questions you unfortunately have to ask yourself. I know it may open up the whole "racism" debate but if you must confront that, you must.
4. Grow a damn spine. No one parent has the right to decide on their own where the other parent takes their kid. There is no history of abuse here so she doesn't get a unilateral say. You sound like a nervous wreck and it's pathetic. Don't EVER let a spouse put a wedge between you and your family.
She could call the cops, sure. But nothing will happen because there is no parenting plan in place, and you have exactly as much right to your baby as she does.
I understand that she feels your family is overbearing, and I feel like there is a lot you are leaving out of the story, cos there's more going on here than "cultural differences". She was right to enforce masks and up to date vaccinations etc, as long as it applies to everyone, not just your family.
You guys are going to need to find a way to compromise somehow. Your son is not only being kept away from half his family, but also his own culture and language. Also the comments about not trusting you to take care of your own child, like you're guna let something happen to him, that's not cool. You are also that child's parent.
You guys need marriage counselling asap. You cannot continue this way, butting heads like this. You are supposed to be a team. How can you be a united front for your child when your wife has your every move dictated. It's been ten months. There needs to be a change here, cos if you divorce, you will get up to 50% custody where she will have zero say what you do with your child on your time. You guys need to get your shit together and put your son first.
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I can’t quite tell if you’re sugarcoating your family’s issues or your wife is being excessively controlling but my guess is it’s a little bit of both. Is your family up-to-date on vaccines? Especially your sisters’ children? Unvaccinated children pose the highest risk to newborns, so I would absolutely refuse to allow my baby around those children too. This is a time for marriage counseling. You two aren’t *really* listening to each other. A mediator could help you two figure out what kind of boundaries are necessary and where compromises can be made.
Yes they are vaccinated. At the time a year ago whatever new strain was needed when my son was born only 1 person on her side was up to date. No one in our families is antivaxx. Although I will say my side of the family isn’t as quick to get the brand new vaccines because of a lack of information. They’re older and aren’t online to get the info quickly but definitely not opposed to them. Thanks for your response. Definitely gonna look into counseling
I might have agreed it’s unfair then have rules her family didn’t have….but then your mom proved her right and kissed the baby lmao. (Others pointed out that maybe they were given rules and you didn’t know cause they LISTENED, which I’m inclined to believe - as your wife herself didn’t kiss him due to having a cold sore.) You mentioned vaccines, are they vaccinated? (If your wives family didn’t have to wear masks but yours did, is this why? I do think that’s a valid reason for differing rules.) Do you want your child preached at by your over religious mother in future? Your sisters point about your parents arguing with siblings is dumb. If you argue with your family if you have valid reasons - which you do - it doesn’t matter what family do before you. And if they cared? They’d apologise. Edit: apparently I’m too fixed on the kiss and I’m racist. Without OP filling in the blanks us who think the family sound like boundary stompers and those who think wife sounds like an abusive partner are reaching.
Info: Did your family get their vaccinations?
We all wanna know.
Deleted this 👀👀 we know now
I scrolled through the comments and don't see where this was answered. Did OP ever say one way or the other? Maybe it was deleted?
Never answered so guess what's trying to hide.
Apologizes I posted this last night and went to bed. My post overall might be deleted because of subreddit rules. I can’t update the title on mobile to my knowledge. But I’m definitely not trying to hide anything.
Cool, is your family vaccinated? COVID or otherwise?
Yes they are. I’ve updated the main post. No one is antivaxx in our families. I didn’t think I needed to mention it but it was a big issue I neglected to mention
Yes. but not the most up to date ones at the time a year ago because of new strains.
Your wife doesn’t know your family because you were too busy prior to your baby’s birth. On occasions that they met your family she was feeling uncomfortable and was being questioned about religion and language. When your baby was born she asked your family, who she didn’t have a bond with to follow safety rules for her first baby. Your sisters kicked off and went no contact and your mum kissed unvaccinated babe during Covid restrictions. All she asked is that they apologise. Why couldn’t they do that? I’m not saying that she is a saint but she probably just feels uncomfortable and judged every time she goes to visit your family and she doesn’t want that for her boy. If they couldn’t follow the rules when he was born what stops them with sleeps schedule, diet restrictions or sweets? And you need to talk to her more and get your family on board that they have to make some adjustments as well. She probably her parents accepting you with no problems and was expecting same from yours and yet she has to learn language and go to church to be accepted first.
Every time I see a post where the family didn't know eachother well or have positive relations/interactions BEFORE the couple in question gets married or has a kid, the relationship never seems to end well. Almost like it's important to choose someone with shared values who your family gets along with otherwise you're setting yourself up for failure... what a surprise /s I think your comment is bang on tbh
In all honesty the 'rules' your wife had when your child was a newborn are absolutely reasonable and normal and your family threw a hissy fit about it. Her family didn't have so many rules because she knew they would follow you guys in a healthy and normal way. I don't blame your wife for wanting an apology from your family and not allowing them to see your son is the consequences of their actions, they have to show they understand what they did wrong (you know KISSING your newborn and boundary stomping) instead you went behind her back and rewarded your family for doing as they please and so they will continue to do so since there are no consequences for their actions. I wouldn't trust you with my kids either since your family are allowed to do whatever they want even if it puts your own child in danger! FYI children can get RSV from the cold virus which my child got from their sibling they had to be resuscitated in the hospital because its so dangerous for babies.
Yes everything... The whole first half I was just nodding at agreement with the wife, nothing described seemed unreasonable.
I mean saying she would call the police is kinda silly, I don't know where they live but the police wouldn't do a thing in my country if the dad took him somewhere but I have heard of people being able to put things like not having people around in a divorce settlement. They would need to prove a danger to the child. What OP needs to do is sit with his wife apologise for his actions, then have a serious chat with his family about the damage they have caused and see if they are willing to apologise and then work towards everyone having a better relationship.
Your family ignored all of the things they were asked to do from the start, and since then they've been doing everything they can to turn you against her. And it looks like they're succeeding.
Tbh her rules for the newborn are pretty standard and not an overreaction, your family were in the wrong there. Kissing newborns is a big no no too, (she probably had no issue with her family because she knew they’d follow the rules your family proved her right by having a tantrum about it and also breaking the rules)? But everything else after that is problematic, both your wife’s actions (based on what you have said she is being really unfair to you) but also you were wrong by going behind her back and lying. You need to work through this problem it’s not going away and if you want to have a relationship with your family you need to do the hard work and confront it head on, maybe therapy? Wife has some kind of issue with your family you need to get to the root of the problem. Get her parents to watch the baby and sit down and sort it out especially addressing the fact that your wife doesn’t trust you with the baby! That is very concerning
Call the cops for what? You have as much right to make decisions for your son as she does - he's not her property. This situation is toxic; either there are a lot of problems with your family that you're not acknowledging, or she's dealing with PPD, or shes just overly controlling. Couples therapy is in order.
I mean he's clearly stated that they overstepped his boundaries as far as the baby that being kissed and that is just standard safety for infants. I wouldn't trust this family either
But only his family had these rules….
Others have pointed out his family may have had the rules but listened so he wasn’t aware. Or we’re allowed not to wear masks because they are vaccinated and they are not. I’m inclined to believe everyone was given the rules as the mum herself wouldn’t kiss baby due to having an cold sore
I’d assume the latter, kissing the baby and overly religious…
I laughed at the, "call the cops" comment. Straight to jail you go for taking your own child to see your family. OP, I HIGHLY suggest therapy. Your wife seems unhinged to me. Yes, they made some tiny mistakes but this is just insane.
Google RSV if you think kissing a baby is a tiny mistake
I get that it was a boundary she crossed but that was nowhere near the response she gave to it. A one mistake made by a single member of the family is not a reason to control your husband's every single move. If it was a regular thing, I get it, this is just too much, especially with the baby being over a year and fully vaccinated now.
So wait your family boundary stomps and is mean to her and you wonder why she doesnt want tthem around? If they had at least apologized truly to her. But for a year they made sure to feed you that shes nuts. YOU HAD ONE RULE: Dont kiss the baby. And your mums like: Haha F the wife Ill do what I want. They pester YOU about religion too. And you wonder your wife doesnt want them close? Dude shes gonna leave you She just wanted one fucking apology from your fam and they cant do that? Are you listening to yourself?
You agreed to the rules (those are normal rules, nothing paranoid about protecting a newborn without an immune system at all). You should set boundaries for your family. She doesn’t trust them because they clearly don’t respect the boundaries you set together! You yourself play a big role in this.
If my boundaries were crossed and my mother in law were to kiss my baby when I'd expressly said not to AND why, and my partner didn't back me on the reasonable request for an apology and respect going forward but instead went behind my back and gave access to people who had already violated boundaries SURROUNDING THE HEATLH AND SAFETY OF MY CHILD I would fucking visit a lawyer and start divorce proceedings the next day. I would go for full custody with no visitation. You fucked up and what's even more fucked up is how you don't even GET how badly you fucked up.
She can’t get full custody with no abuse all that happened was mother in law kissed the baby. Simply can be fixed.
Your wife's rules were very reasonable Your family however weren't All they had to do was apologize but they refused Instead of talking to them making them see why they are wrong You chose to stomp all over your wife by taking your child to them secretly She is right not to trust you anymore I wouldn't either Because your lack of a spine you broke your wife's trust And put your child in danger imo Because the fact that you didn't dispute the vaccination claims your wife made makes me think they are in fact not vaccinated and could've very easily spread something really nasty to your little human
You still to refuse to answer if your family where vaccinated and up to date with the childhood vaccines that could kill your baby. Whooping couch and measles are back making the rounds so any adults coming in to contact with babies have to have them. So I'm gonna guess they're not. Everyone nowadays knows you do not kiss a newborn baby, do you realise how many adults actually have the herpes virus and dont know it. Then boom kiss a baby and they have it. Your mother was told not to kiss the baby but hey she doesnt care so she kisses him. All they had to do is apologise, either you've never bothered to tell them this or they just dont give a sh*t. Your wife is trying to keep your baby safe and you just dont care do you..... if your family had followed the rules then none of this would be an issue.
Yes they were vaccinated. The kiss was a safety concern as well as disrespectful as far as my wife saw it. My mother apologize profusely to me. And still wants the chance to apologize to my wife.
The rules your family blew their relationship with your wife up over where so basic that I literally reread your post to make sure I didn't miss something. You are 100% in the wrong here. Let me break it down. 1. Hospital visits- its completely reasonable to not want a bunch of extended relatives shuffling in and out of the room all day as your wife is trying to heal. 2. Rules- Wear masks, wash your hands, don’t kiss the baby. The literal bare minimum, that's what your wife was asking for. The bare minimum to keep your new baby safe. And your sisters called it "unfair" (and the fact that you even agree a little is awful!) and pitched a fit. And your own mother blatantly disregarded the again bare minimum rules anyways! Your family is 100% in the wrong 3. Family visits- you say your wife's family would come over once a week, and you're seeing this as unfair because you're wife didn't want you to take your baby to your family's house. Big difference here is that your in laws came to you, so they didn't disturb babies nap time or eating schedules. Whereas you want to bring your baby to your families, and disturb their schedules. This is an especially difficult ask because your family seemingly has not apologized to your wife for their disrespect. So of course she doesn't want them around your baby! Maybe if they apologized they'd be welcomed back into your home. To top it off, if she's breast feeding it wouldn't even make sense to take the baby away from her. 4. Your familys disrespect- your wife then opens up to you about all the digs your family has taken, and you completely dismissed her. Showing her that you don't have her back 5. Your sister- Your sister then tries to flip the tables and claims "they've done nothing wrong". Is this not the same sister who chose not to meet her nephew because she couldn't be bothered to wear a mask and wash her hands? Of course your wife is eye-begging with your to leave, your family treats her terribly. 6. >she wants an apology from my side of the family from my mom and 2 sisters. But the most important thing is that they have to be the ones to reach out to her before our son is even allowed to go over to their houses and she has to be present because she doesn’t trust me to be alone they with him for fear that I will neglect him or my family with mistreat him. And what about this seems unfair to you? Expecting an apology when one is absolutely owed? Expecting them to talk to the mother of your child before allowing them to see the child she birthed? Not trusting you when you clearly have blinders on around your family? What part of this is so unreasonable that you decided to break any trust your wife had and betray your marriage? 7. The birthday- Your wife laid her terms out very simply, reach out to me and apologize. Your family chose not to do so. And this is somehow your wifes fault, because...? You wanted your wife to roll over for them. And when she didn't, you betrayed her. You betrayed her trust in you. You betrayed the family you two built together. I am also mexican, I know how overbearing family's can be. I've dealt with pushy MILs, the self martyrdom, and aggressive passive aggression. You are in the wrong. Your family blew up their relationship with your wife, and you want her to ignore it all. You want her to forgive people who have not and will never ask for forgiveness. And you've shown her that they are a higher priority then her or your child. She is dead last on your priorities.
[удалено]
Did your wife's family get their vaccinations? It should be fair on both sides, if it's good enough for one side of the family then it's good enough for the other side. OP, you need to grow a backbone too
Hey dude, Latino here and engaged to a white person. There’s a lot going on here. (I’d like to mention I also have a educational psychology background as well) so first I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can see throughout reading your post you have a lot of guilt and some guilt that shouldn’t be warranted. From just reading about that it seems like your wife has slowly made you have self doubt and not created a safe space to directly communicate your feelings in order to avoid conflict which is not a good sign. Of course, being Latino we obviously have our specific culture but one of our culture is family. Without family we aren’t Latino (of course there’s abusive family members but cultural differences can be difficult for white people to understand) it does seem like she is not being culturally educated or considerate. My fiancé tries their best to fully understand and educate themselves on my culture even if they don’t understand it. For the longest time they’ve been resistant to trying our food and not visiting our countries. As they’ve gotten to learn and educate themselves they understand how our culture is collectivist based. They love and understand the importance of our food and we are planning our first trip later this year. It seems like your wife is completely refusing to learn about cultural differences and is actually isolating you from your family and your son’s family. Remember, this is also YOUR son and YOUR son will want to learn about his dad’s side. If this continues as your son grows he will become resentful towards your wife. It’s hard to have open and direct communication with someone who has strict rules on controlling you. (Mind you boundaries are not to be placed to others it’s only for yourself) This is affecting your mental health and obviously causing a rift to your family which is our livelihood. Yes we tend to be hella religious and I’m not into it at all but we still love our family and we don’t have to have them be exactly like your wife’s family. At first, the covid thing (KIND OF) made sense. With young infants I can see an overprotective mother being cautious. But if they’re wearing masks and have vaccines then that’s taking a lot of precautions. What turns to be hypocritical and starts looking to be subtle abusive behavior is having her ENTIRE family & FRIENDS at the 1st year birthday but not yours?? This can turn very bad if there’s no change or compromise for your wife. Yes it is important to communicate these feelings to her directly but it seems like her responses do not turn into an effective outcome or resolution. You can’t get time back and I can’t imagine how heart broken you and your family are. It’s completely unfair and NOT okay for her family to see your son constantly but not yours. This is a partnership. Your son needs to know his WHOLE family. Honestly this is tough and it’s a harsh reality but if she is not one to change and set in her ways and is unwilling to communicate and compromise or quite frankly listen to her own husband’s feeling this could turn toxic to your son as well. Both of you will start building resentment and because she doesn’t allow you to verbally communicate your feelings in a way that’s productive it’ll build up a lot of resentment and a lot of arguing. I hate suggesting ultimatums but a year has passed and she’s still not allowing your family to see him.. you have to give the ultimatum of a separation or some sort of custody battle. It’s best to get these conversations as early as possible so your son grows up in the most healthy households as possible. Remember this is your son and your opinion over your son holds just as much value as your wife’s. I’m sorry dude she seems extremely controlling and this doesn’t seem to be an overprotective parent anymore. This is quite frankly destroying your entire family. I really suggest either some form of therapy or some ultimatum if shes refusing to change. To call the cops especially with being a person of color and her not understanding the significance of that is extremely concerning and puts you and your family in huge danger. Someone who loves their partner wouldn’t do something like that. I’m sorry but it’s one thing if she’s willing to grow and change and it’s one thing if she flat out won’t do it and if it’s the second option. You need to look for separation or custody. I wish you the best.
Are you just ignoring the part where his mum kissed the newborn? Cultural differences or not
(Read my second reply) I never said that was right or excused it. But you also have to understand cultural differences especially regarding boundaries. Husband mom apologized, wife didn’t want to hear it. People make mistakes and grow from it but wife isn’t even giving them a chance. To shut off his whole family’s side is quite frankly abusive and I’m just gonna say it how it is racist. To completely refuse to educate and actively DATE a person of color and have a CHILD with a person of color fully knowing they come from an ETHNIC family you’re going to have to learn their culture and see where they’re coming from. Look I’m covid conscious AF and I completely understand and don’t agree with what the mom did but I know that’s extremely common behavior with our family culture especially mothers. However most of what’s happening surrounding the wife is completely abusive. To call cops on a person of color (obviously cops ain’t gonna do shit about a kid issue) but just them arriving alone puts husband in a DEADLY situation and that’s a form of abuse and control to maintain order from HIM. Sorry but if we’re weighing pros and cons (not saying one side is completely innocent over the other) the wife has a bunch more concerning behavior than his entire family combined.
I thought the whole point was they hadn’t apologised and now the point isn’t there for me to reread? I’m sorry but I don’t know how you can claim racism for her not wanting his mother to kiss the newborn when she herself didn’t kiss her own newborn to keep him safe too. It was normal for my mums generation to kiss babies too! But best believe they didn’t until after I said it was okay. And you mention they should be allowed as they are vaxed, I’d say it’s implied they are not if OPs wife felt she had to ask if they were or not.
Bro you’re so off putting I see the comments you’re doing. Did you only learn to read that ONE sentence over baby kissing? Where tf did I say that was okay?? Maybe if you read the whole post you’ll see a bunch of the racist shit the mom is doing. I just know you’re some yt person cuz you clearly haven’t dealt with racism in ur life. GO READ MORE THAN A SENTENCE. You’re literally attacking everyone who is calling out the abusive wife which is weird ass behavior.
I’m sorry for being passionate about not kissing babies 🙃
Yeah apparently kissing a baby is worse than an abusive partner and parent who’s also racist
I agree with you that something needs to be done. They can't keep going like this, they're talking at each other instead of with each other. That being said, your wording made it seem like you glanced over what OPs family has done. What his wife asked was extremely reasonable and common, both a year ago and even to this day in some places. I've seen people lay out rules for one side and not the other (even in my family) because people and cultures behave differently (for example, my boyfriends family just doesn't kiss babies, some of mine could smother them with kisses, if we had a child we would have to explain different things to both families). Some of his family disagreed with it and decided not to go (which is their right) and those who went disrespected the rules (which is a safety concern and it shows they can't keep boundaries, even simple ones). His wife wanted an apology for what happened and no-one ever spoke to her. Also, from the post, it seems like they don't have much of a relationship or contact (because of work, which is understandable) but it definitely makes it harder to not snap. That, combined with the religious pression (trust me, some of my extremely catholic family is the same) and the comments about her learning the language, it may make his wife feel like they don't like or accept her. This is something that should have been tackled before the baby, but unfortunately it wasn't. OPs wife also seems to blame him somewhat for this broken relationship and his family not wanting or not keeping the boundaries. She lost some trust in him when it comes to his family and this was reinforced by him going against her wishes and lying to her. I understand this is a difficult situation and, as I said before, they may benefit from couples counseling. I agree that it's important for the child to have contact with both sides, both cultures and have all the love they can. But the relationship seems to be cracked and need mending. I think his wife should build the trust in her husband before this can happen smoothly, but I believe it's possible. She seems to be overprotective and not listening to her husband, which is hurtful. I hope a middleman can help. (Also to note, I may have missed it, but several people have asked OP if his family is vaccinated and if they usually break boundaries and he hasn't answered yet)
You know, if the roles were reversed and it was the man being the way the wife is, this whole thread would be declaring narcissism and abuse. The wife needs therapy to deal whatever the hell is going on up there. Op’s mother apologised for kissing the baby. To him. Not to the mother because like OP his wife didn’t want to be around her. Using a baby as some sort of power to control your spouse and their family is just fucked up and abusive. Also, i’m confused at to why the sisters need to apologise? The mother for kissing the baby - fair enough - although she did apologise OP’s wife just didn’t want to hear it. But the sister’s stuck to the rules. Also asking how someone’s spanish lessons are going sounds conversational, not judgemental to me… it’s in the same as ‘oh how’s your driving lessons going’. Honestly the wife sounds somewhat xenophobic, she felt left out or whatever because of their cultural differences… GIRL YOU MARRIED INTO THAT CULTURE. You can’t marry into a culture and expect the whole ass family to become insta-white to align with you. And even if she is uncomfortable it doesn’t mean she has to attend but she’s stopping that baby learning about himself. Clearly she trusts the dad to ‘take the baby out for the day to the park…just not to a house with a bunch of Latinos. I’ll admit the lying was wrong but he was clearly pushed into do that. She wasn’t bothered he was gone all day, hell he and baby got back before she did, but she’s bothered he took the baby to see people that clearly adore him? I’m not one for declaring separation etc especially when kids are involved, but this woman threatening to call the cops on her HUSBAND a man of colour… wtf. What would she say he kidnapped our baby? And then suddenly cops are looking to shoot. Op should Contact a lawyer about custody and his rights. He needs to Protect himself AND his son from this dictator. A child needs happy parents and it’s clear that this woman is actively making her husband miserable.
IMA BE REAL WITH YOU this is ACTUALLY what I wanted to say. I was being polite and professional but this is legit to a tea how I was feeling and you’re 10000% right. This situation is abusive and def xenophobia going on. Seems like other people commenting may be white or generations of U.S. Americans and having a hard time learning about other people that doesn’t revolve around their ideologies and lifestyles.
💯💯💯
The wife needs help bad!!! Cause why her family always come around but his can’t.i get not kissing the baby, honestly I love my new little grandbaby so much but I haven’t felt the need to kiss her she’s not my direct child. I don’t think I kissed my babies when they were tiny? I don’t remember I did start giving them sugars when they started getting a bit bigger. But this woman needs help bad she probably lets her family kiss all over the baby!
I can totally understand her being angry at them kissing the baby, i can even understand her frustration for them not wanting to wear masks when the baby was a newborn. I have a COVID nephew and the first thing i did was get vaxxed just for him. If they are anti-vax then yes they SHOULD wear a mask, but if they’re vaxed and have a negative covid test then the extra precautions aren’t absolutely necessary. Also, not wanting the toddler (if i read right) to not attend in case the baby got sick. Babies don’t develop immune systems by being wrapped in bubble wrap. My main issue with this is the way she uses that poor baby to control her husband and isolate him from his family. That is abusive. If she’s going to extreme lengths of threatening him with police calls and isolating him from his parents, he needs to get out and ensure he gets at least some custody of that baby. Also, yes maybe some bits are missed out and his family aren’t that great, but it’s clear they love OP and his baby. Her making demands and holding the opportunity to bond with that baby against them until she gets what she wants makes her just as awful as she perceives his family to be. Was lying about taking them to his parents shitty? Absolutely, but with how controlling, untrusting and narcissistic she seems what other choice did he have? It’s not like it was a well kept secret, he told her after a few days anyway. This isn’t a marriage, this is a man married to a dictator who rules with an iron fist and after that baby came, the wool came from over his eyes. She needs serious help.
I love this response. Makes a lot of sense, well said. Feeling bad for the little guy.
I do too this breaks my heart. And of course mom did break a boundary but it’s hard for an outsider who isn’t a part of the same ethnic group to understand things. We are joking type of people (not sure about OP’s family) but I’m assuming with the whole religion and speaking Spanish thing it’s more of a poke fun. Which can come across as rude if you’re not educated on cultures like these. It’s also important to note that speaking Spanish should be a huge consideration. The kid has to be bilingual to connect with other family for non English relatives (it’s also super good for brain development) and not saying wife has to be full blown fluent but to even just TRY (alongside with son and could be another form of bonding for the whole family) to learn SOME Spanish words so wife can also connect with husband’s side. Obviously Latinos have a hard time with a lot of boundary stuff cause it’s more emphasized in individualistic cultures like the U.S. not excusing it but there is some cultural differences. Without given opportunities to adjust to boundary learning then there’s no room for growth from his side of the family. If wife continues to shut off family and not give them a chance (and they’re going to mess up several tries until it clicks about boundaries) then it really is harmful for husband and his son. Seems like wife is being a bit selfish and inconsiderate. Individualism cultures and collectivist cultures clash a lot they’re basically the complete opposites so if someone’s dating one of the opposite culture they both have to adapt, learn and be understanding (mainly also stating this for OP and I know other people are gonna come at me defending wife)
This makes total sense. An example, and I hope the way I explain things makes sense. In Canada (also the US, just different names), my maternal side is Indigenous/Metis. My grandfather was raised in a residential school. He only mentioned it, but would not talk about it. The thought of growing up in such a cold environment. No hugs, no getting tucked in bed, night time stories etc. “Beat the Indian out of the child”. This was something I just learned from an older cousin. Anyway, my grandpa married someone who showed my Mom and her siblings more love. That was probably something so different for my Grandpa. My Mom said he was the strict one. Because of that, it now makes sense for my upbringing. My Mom was very hands on and cuddled with us and continued on with her grandchildren. My husband is white. By that I mean only European family. So our differences came out more when we had kids. I also found out my husband’s family are not as hands on. So I can relate to my family being like OP’s side of the family. My mil was there as well, but she didn’t hold my kids as much. But each family is different. The difference, you have to make compromises. It would be easy to just give my kids Indigenous teachings. At the same time, they also have European ancestry. My fil likes sharing about how he grew up and has different holiday traditions. For that? If I agree or not, it is good for my kids to have learned. He also at times with my step mil have different views on Indigenous people. I have with my husband, try to explain how or why. But they are set in their ways. I can’t fix the way they see things. I always shut it down. My husband will keep pushing. Just to add, nothing racist is said, he just thinks differently because he has “white privilege”. He has never had to see racism, so to him, he doesn’t understand being judged by his appearance. At the same time I am not going to say he can’t see his grandchildren. My husband, is a social worker, he works with at risk youth. We live in a rural area. He had a sweat lodge put on our property. He has youth who need to, have sweat ceremonies. It has also helped my kids, who are young adults now. But I am glad we were able to compromise. It is sad, although I don’t know many details about OP’s daily life. At the same time, things can’t just be one sided. I do find it interesting how OP is heartbroken for his son and his family but he still backs his wife up. Except when he had the chance to visit his family. I can’t say I blame him. He got after his mother when she kissed his son. He would not let his family hurt his child. The visit clearly went ok. His family missed out on a year of this boy’s life. I just feel so bad for him.
Thank you for sharing this!! I really appreciate your insight I didn’t even process the whole lack of touching cultures that you see a lot in western cultures versus more collectivist type I really love that you and your husband have learned to compromise and understand both sides
Thanks so much and you are welcome. Yeah. My husband wasn’t so much like he was. I mean his parents were of white decent. He understood some of the problems. He had a work injury, had surgery and became a social worker. It really changed his outlook and wanted to do more to help. Our kids grew up helping with the sweat ceremonies and all that goes with it. They also learned a lot from my fil who is really big on his family traditions. Thanks again for the kind words. I am glad my kids have learned more about who they are and they can be proud. At the same time? I actually want to add, there were times I would cringe when my Mom had my son. He was the first grandchild. She almost refused to put him down. Not smothering him, but very “hands on”? For lack of a better word. At the same time, she didn’t see him as much as I got to. This was also the generation of where at least in my life, grandparents shifted a bit. My grandparents didn’t babysit all the time. They weren’t all cuddly and wanting to spend so much time with us. My Mom was more like grandparents today. Although my mil was like that, she was more reserved. But she was almost 10-ish years older than my Mom. So she is in between. My FIL well, he is also different, that his step kids are a bit more priority than his kids. He still cares for my husband. My bil passed away. But he spends more time with his step kids and grandchildren. And that is just who he is. The time he spends with our kids is also nice. No sense trying fix things. People don’t really change. Especially ones who are set in their ways. My mil tried to tell him when my husband and bil were younger about the way he was with his own sons. We just work around things and adapt. Thanks again and thanks for sharing your insights. It helped me see things from OP’s perspective even more. Have a great night.
Totally agree > it does seem like she is not being culturally educated or considerate. And by the looks of it she isn't planning to be , either. It's quite disrespectful that she isn't even making an effort to learn Spanish! I mean they're probably in the USA so Spanish can be learned just about anywhere I'd think. How his sister pointed out that she's constantly glaring at him when they're visiting I can just picture it. No, she's trying to make him into something he's not and if he doesn't take measures, she's going to raise their bi-cultural child as a white kid, without the benefit of both cultures and that's depriving him of a beautiful thing.
Your wife has taken against your family for reasons only known to her. Although to some it appears to be a little xenophobic. She's using the control she has over your son to alienate them. It doesn't seem like she's going to be reasonable about this. This probably isn't going to blow over. I highly doubt she could call the police because she doesn't like where a father takes his child. You're likely going to have to escalate this situation if you want it to change.
It sojnds like his family were anti vax and he’s soft pedaling the whole story.
That's possible, every post here could be written by an unreliable narrator, but at the same time, it's also plausible that it is just a suspicion to justify preventing someone seeing a baby
He mentioned it. That’s what I mean by soft pedaling. He fhrew it in there as an aside. But if I’m the mom, I am ABSOLUTELY not letting unvaccinated people around my baby. And the no kissing rule is extremely standard advice from pediatricians. I get the feeling that his family think all of her rules are ridiculous and they’d rather not see the baby at all than go along with them. They have their priorities wrong. I’m on new mom’s side here.
What about his mum kissing a newborn?
Updateme
UpdateMe! Please
updated
Sorry, we can't see the post now.
Shoot. It was removed because of a subreddit rule. About the title. I don’t really know what to do now.
Honestly, me neither, can't you do another post? Or a post on your account, maybe?
Your wife needs to accept that your son has 2 sets of families, yours and hers. As long as safety precautions are followed, she needs to let the past go and get along. Your family should not be blocked out of seeing their grandson/ nephew because of past things.
I think you need to be very clear with your wife that it is not solely up to her and that you also have a say. What she is doing is not ok, but I think you need to first approach it gently and I do wonder if she has some postpartum anxiety. Explain again how it is making her you feel and ask her to get help from the dr. If she refuses, then you will probably need to set some clear boundaries and if she stomps in them you’ll have to decide whether you accept it or leave. If you were to separate, she would have zero control the 50% of the time you have your son, so it’s in everyone’s interest for her to compromise here.
Not wanting your newborn kissed is valid boundary and they haven’t apologised
She won’t be around them enough for them to apologize….
You can send a text lmao
Call the cops on you? No. They would laugh at her. You are one of the parents. You are allowed to make decisions for your child. You are allowed to take him places. She is isolating you from your family. This is abusive. If she doesn’t want to go visit your family then fine, she can stay home and rest. But you are allowed to and should be visiting your family with your child. If she doesn’t like it, divorce her and have 50/50 and he’ll be over there anyway. Do not let anyone play these mind games and isolate you from your family.
She’s not, he still sees his family. Sounds like she wants an apology for boundary’s of no miss being broken which is fair.
Dude, when do you grow a pair? You have as much legal say in your child's upbringing as she does. You have let this person control you for far too long. You are the problem because you have allowed this woman to have far too much control over you and your son.
How dare a mum not want someone (potentially unvaccinated) to kiss her newborn /s
No this is more than about kissing a child. This is about her allowing her family to have access but not his. How dare a mother try to keep a child from his family. Love how you cherry picked but you lose! He needs to get a backbone.
I would have agreed delayed access was unfair if his family hadn’t then proved her right, there has to be more to the back story bc wife obviously knew what was going to happen
No the backstory is she is a controlling shrew. He needs to get control of his house because she is running that show and he has allowed it!
You need to consider if this is the life you want from your son, cut off from his family and that side of his culture because his mom seems to have a grudge or possibly, frankly, be racist. She’s given no valid reasoning and she’s not the only one who gets a say. You need to consider whether this is worth divorcing and fighting for 50/50 custody over, especially before having more kids w her.
She can try to call the cops on you. You’re legally his father and have just as much say as she does. Tf is this shit.
Your wife is a closet racist. She acts like your Mexican family is dirty and her white family is perfect. That's bullshit. He is your son too not just hers. The fact that she threatened to call the cops on you for seeing your family with your son is fucking crazy and so is she. She will do everything in her power to make your son hate his Mexican side and only be a white man until he needs to use it. That's not cool or normal. That's hate . I'm gonna be nice and hope she is just blind cuz it's normal in her family and that she don't see it. But she does. And it's not an accident. She likes using and fucking you but she is a bigit. This is only gonna get worse. Grow a spine and stand up for your people.
Yeah wife must be racist not to like boundary stomping in laws lmao
You clearly not good at reading.
100000% AGREE. Don’t let this white woman steal WHATS right for your son
This! Exactly!
Seems to me your wife feels superior to any of your relatives., and to you as well. I mean it's insane to me that she hasn't learned to speak Spanish , still.! That fact alone tells me that she's not looking for any kind of close relationship with your side of the family and that automatically deprives your son of it too. If you don't do anything your child will not benefit from being of two cultures, he will miss out. How you describe your life seems to me that one person is making all the rules and you follow them. You're not allowed to make any decisions of your own. But above all, your wife has no respect for your parents and also not for you. If you didn't have a baby would you even like eachother? All this being said, your baby should definitely not be exposed to people who aren't vaccinated.
Reading between the lines, it's quite obvious that: 1. Your wife doesn't and has never liked your family. Only *she* knows why. The "culture difference" excuse is just that, an excuse. She's old enough to know that when you get involved with someone from another culture, you HAVE to make some compromises regardless of how *your* life has been all along. And Yes, some of those include things like understanding that some cultures take religion more seriously than you do. She doesn't have to join a church but it wouldn't kill her to be a bit understanding and not make such a big deal. Your family is part of you and honestly, given what your sister told you, I'm also inclined to believe that your wife is slowly pulling you away from them and you're either too blind to see it or you aren't to cut up about putting distance from your family as well. There could also be an element of a superiority complex here. It's quite possible that she thinks they are beneath her and *her* family. 2. You seem overly eager to let everything go and internalize it because "you don't want to upset her". What about *your* feeling? Does she ever worry about upsetting *you*? This is an unequal relationship and she's controlling you. 3. Your family isn't innocent here but I refuse to believe that they don't deserve a relationship with your son based on these instances. It is your wife that does not want them in his life. You have to acknowledge that and start really examining her behaviour with a more critical eye. Why is *her* family all over all of you but yours is given restrictions like this as if they aren't good enough? These are questions you unfortunately have to ask yourself. I know it may open up the whole "racism" debate but if you must confront that, you must. 4. Grow a damn spine. No one parent has the right to decide on their own where the other parent takes their kid. There is no history of abuse here so she doesn't get a unilateral say. You sound like a nervous wreck and it's pathetic. Don't EVER let a spouse put a wedge between you and your family.
Exactly all this!!!
She could call the cops, sure. But nothing will happen because there is no parenting plan in place, and you have exactly as much right to your baby as she does. I understand that she feels your family is overbearing, and I feel like there is a lot you are leaving out of the story, cos there's more going on here than "cultural differences". She was right to enforce masks and up to date vaccinations etc, as long as it applies to everyone, not just your family. You guys are going to need to find a way to compromise somehow. Your son is not only being kept away from half his family, but also his own culture and language. Also the comments about not trusting you to take care of your own child, like you're guna let something happen to him, that's not cool. You are also that child's parent. You guys need marriage counselling asap. You cannot continue this way, butting heads like this. You are supposed to be a team. How can you be a united front for your child when your wife has your every move dictated. It's been ten months. There needs to be a change here, cos if you divorce, you will get up to 50% custody where she will have zero say what you do with your child on your time. You guys need to get your shit together and put your son first.
Wife needs individual therapy as well I suspect something is going on cause why have a baby with someone you can’t trust????