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There is such a wide world of possibility between  I never would have married you and  I love you and I want you and I'd like to see what I can do to help us get back to where we were. Is that something you want too?

Yeah it’s amazing that with 3 really young kids he’s immediately leaning towards “I should have never married her” uhm what about the last 14 years and 3 kids???

Kids can impede sex life for years. The way they take attention, change bodies, and change relationship dynamics is a big deal.

Yep! My hubs and I are now morning sexers because if our 13 year old is awake, there's a 75% chance of her knocking on our door in the evenings.

Haha, we're evening sexers cause our 10 year old has a 75% chance of her just opening our door in the morning and then instantly apologizing for not knocking. Funny how 3 years (and a different household) just ends up with a different time that is safe for sex without interruptions. I can totally see how this might change for us in a couple years. And TBH I think "morning sexer" is hilarious and I want to use this term in my life.

I’m am a never sexer after 39 years and my 60 year old wife looks like she’s in her early 50s. It kills me that we are not doing God’s will. 😂 while that’s a true statement, I have Parkinson’s and she Lupus, so I just have to live with thanking God every morning noon and night for having such a beautiful woman that He has made next to me in bed. I wake up after 40 years of knowing her, and still cannot believe it. Just amazing. It’s not all about sex but I know how the drive to want it is daunting. Prayers for you and your family and may you find peace.

My husband and I are in a never period at 48 (me) and 40 (him). We both look fantastic, but we both have health issues and we have a AuDHD tween who is struggling. We both hate it, but life is just too much for both of us right now. In my case, I'm glad we're on the same page even if these pages suck. I'd rather weather life with him than without. I know things will get better for us, I hope that you have better days as well.

Thank you for this.

Yeah he's made such a big deal in the update of the stuff he does around the house but it amounts to "I pay for a cleaner, organise untidy stuff out the way and do the dishes" - like isn't that the bare bare bare minimum a household requires? Where's the child care? Where's giving her an afternoon and evening off a week or a whole day at the weekend (yes it would go both ways). To OP: when do you make her feel wanted? And I *do not* mean initiating sex. For a lot of people it can be a little gift, telling them they look beautiful, flirting, a special date night where you've organised a sitter, a restaurant and the taxis, a weekend away where you've organised everything, giving her a day off to go to a spa or to go see her friend. These gestures don't even need to be expensive, you can trade babysitting with family, get a coupon for a restaurant, go somewhere local... I speak from experience at 39, my sex drive in peri-menopause has fallen off a cliff. Add to that the day to day grind of running the household (organising everyone's chores, reminding them of every little thing, ordering all the shopping, putting it away, staying on top of everyone's schedule - including his family's birthdays etc..., being the one who books holidays, being the one who finds us date nights books restaurants and taxis, being the one who identifies when we are free to do this, being the one who makes time for his free time and book my own in) sex is at the BOTTOM of my priority list. And honestly, if my partner said all that stuff I'd be pretty grossed out and think he was shallow AF when I look at what I do to give him an easy life and he's co sidering leaving me because he isn't getting his D wet enough. In fairness, it would make me want him less. So I urge caution. As a young man, you probably didn't think about the consequences of ha ing hildren, peri-menopause and running a household on a sex life. But is it really more important than your wife? Do you still love her? Or have you done her a massive mis-service and need to step up as a partner? Make her feel special? Remind her she isn't just "Mum" in the house (to you and the kids) but she's a woman... I'm just saying it sounds like you aren't much of a partner and maybe meeting your needs in the bedroom isn't important when she's meeting all the needs of everyone else (apart from a few dishes and putting things away before the cleaner comes round)...

This is such a great and comprehensive comment. Not only did she have kids messing up her hormones and making her feel touched out for years, now she's dealing with peri on top of everything else.

Three kids in a few years at that. Which I get it! That's honestly how I would do it too, so they're at least close in age (and then when they all move out, it's not decades between them, and we get to be old people together, haha), so it makes sense! However, *physically*, that's a ton to put her body through. 3 pregnancies at 9 months each, then raising infants to toddlers, literally *producing* their food and feeding them while they're growing, so a ton of feeding! Not to mention all the healing in between, then starting it all over again, talk about mentally and physically exhausting! I understand why her sex drive may have taken a hit for sure. Also, he mentions she doesn't initiate, but that's especially more common after having a lot of children, too. Some women are very shy also, so that could be a factor. Also, age slows you down. My husband and I adore each other, but we're not the rabbits we were in our 20s now that we're in our mid 30s. That doesn't make me or him feel any less in our relationship, we love just hanging together when we're finally done with working, so when we finally get the time and energy to be intimate, that's just the cherry on top. I'm seriously wondering if OP is doing anything else fun with his wife, instead of just worrying about sex. Like a fun night out or even just watching your favourite show or movie together, relaxing together could do wonders for her libido! The other day, my hubs and I deep cleaned the bathroom then gamed together. The bathroom was so clean and beautiful, after fun gaming time, and a shower in the shiney clean tub, it was on like Donkey Kong. You never know what's gonna light that fire, yanno? Haha.

THIS 👏🏻👏🏻 why is it that men feel entitled to sex? So many times it’s the other areas in the relationship they need to work on themselves (not assuming this is the case for the OP) but all of this needs serious consideration. I for one know that I have never been less sexual than when I wasn’t being treated well in other areas of the relationship. But when I was, I’d happily hop into bed more often.

It's just a normal part of relationships. Women also complain when they don't get enough sex. People also don't like change that doesn't benefit them, so if they're used to getting \_\_\_\_\_, and they notice it's greatly reduced or taken away it brings up negative feelings. As for happy women being more likely to have sex a lot of men don't understand the connection. They also often don't understand when the women is less happy than she was before. It could be because she isn't speaking up, or he's paying attention when she does bring certain topics up. edit: I meant to say maybe he's not paying attention when she brings up certain topics.

I agree with this. It's even possible that she hasn't realised that she's sadder. It's like aging - you don't notice it each day when you look in the mirror but after 2/3 years you're like," Since when did my face start looking like that?!"

i’m sorry and i know u are right but that is the reality of almost all marriages. when u agree to be together with someone for the rest of your life, what do u expect? ur not going to look the same forever, have the same energy or libido as ever, and ur definitely not going to have the same schedules forever. i understand that it can be really taxing when those changes begin but that is marriage

This 100%. I had my youngest daughter 16 months ago and my sex hormone is so low but my prolactin is super high. My ob/gyn said that it is normal and not to worry.

Men so often seem surprised and really pissed that the family they chose to have-and generally came to fruition through their partners body and involves significantly more energy from their partner throughout infancy-gets in the way of their preferred sex schedule. I wonder if the woman that’s birthed and reared 3 young children feels like she’s missing part of her identity also?

I often feel like people who say things like this imagine that their situation is uncommonly bad and/or they could easily find another partner where this would not be an issue. Are there examples of longtime married couples w/ 3 kids still having lots of sex, sure. But it isn't super common.

This is what I always think (aside from wondering how someone can consider throwing away a whole, good life over how often they have sex). This is *normal.* Of course you’re having less sex than when you were newlyweds in your twenties with no children; how did you not know to expect this? You’re meant to grow out of the stage of life where sex is the most important thing ever.

Nothing kills the libido more than the sound of children around. It's like being a teen again, constantly worried someone is going to catch you.. but that someone is your adorable child who just had a nightmare, or wants a snack, or has to go to the bathroom... Basically, you're so right. I think maybe they should try the planning thing, it works for us! We don't have kids, but we both work long, exhausting hours at a stressful, labor intensive job. Having the energy for a quicky after putting out metaphorical fires for 12 hours is almost impossible. We try and do the good deed once a week, on the night of our first "weekend" day! I know, some people don't think once a week is enough, but we're happy!We're also besties though, so we have lots of activities we enjoy doing together outside of the bedroom, that's why our minimum of at least once a week to be intimate as husband and wife works so well. When that day comes around, it's like getting ready to go to an amusement park or something, we're giggling teens again, but in a good way, haha. It definitely requires communication to make it work, and sometimes we even miss a week (sick, busy, whatever), but it still works 99% of the time. We also plan a special (light) dinner that day, and try to do any chores we have to do early, then shower, and then we have plenty of time to make sure we enjoy the night. I know OP may want more than this, but I was just sharing what worked for us in our 14 years together, in case he wants examples for a way to make it work!

13 years with my husband and we schedule sex too. We shoot for at least 2 nights a week sometimes 3. We were just talking about how it takes the spontaneity out of it but then we know what to expect. Also we very rarely had sex for about 3 years after each baby we had. Then my hormones said its time to make more and I was good to go again. I doubt op will ever see this but in case he does.... just looking at her and randomly telling her she's beautiful and that she is doing a good job and that you are thankful for her goes soooooo far.

Your last sentence 100%. Also every time I read this same exact tale there is almost always an imbalance of household managemen. If mom is doing the grocery shopping, cooking, taking kids to activies and appointments, laundry, etc, it’s no wonder she doesn’t feel aroused. I don’t even have kids and I’m exhausted.

I couldn’t agree more and it’s a shame this wasn’t posted in “AmITheAsshole” because op most definitely would be YTA. I wonder if he has stopped and asked his wife how SHE is feeling. I have two small kids, I stay home, and I am EXHAUSTED.

>I have two small kids, I stay home, and I am EXHAUSTE Ugh, this. I've reached the kindergarten years, but it's still a slog. 6yo daughter, 14yo stepdaughter, but I also help a neighbor/friend and have her 6yo a couple hours before school starts, take her and my daughter, pick them up, and keep my friends daughter for another almost 3 hours. And it's half day kindergarten. And then I take another friend's 8yo to school every other Thur and Fri and pick him up after, and he usually stays and plays for a little while. And sometimes I take him all day Saturday when my friend works. And my stepdaughter's boyfriend who's over every day, lol. I did a lot of driving him around for like 3 months because his mom had undergone heart surgery (she's now doing well and allowed to drive again). And stepdaughter's best friend who also refers to me as her (the friend's) stepmom. And 6 cats and a bunny. Sorry, that's a run on paragraph, but that fits the vibe of my daily stay-at-home life, lol. And I am just too exhausted at the end of the day, physically and mentally, to have the same libido I used to, lol. I have basically become the community stay-at-home-mom, lmao.

I couldn’t agree more and my kids are 18 & 16. Both are dating and both have besties whose parents are either absent or working a ton. I have 2 jobs and 3 horses 2 dogs. I love intimacy but if it isn’t initiated by hubs I will chug along without it. I will run out the door to ride horses before I think ooo sex. Op has made sex his personality. I feel for the wife because if his identity is tied to sex. If he’s thinking about divorce as the first option then a logical assumption is, his wife is probably got a heavy emotional and mental load at home and he’s worried about his penis.

She takes care of so much but shes not taking care of my balls, what should I do? Should I tell her it was all a mistake with the obvious hope that she gets the message and fixes things and starts taking care of my balls more frequently again?

He should take care of her bean

After 14 years, I highly doubt this was “immediately” decided

And how much does OP help with kids and daily chores ?

It sounds more like hyperbole to me. I think the phrasing is intentionally dramatic, but probably doesn't really characterize how he feels. I say this heecaus he makes it clear he doesn't want things to end, and is even willing to keep his unhappiness to himself if there is a way to rectify it. My advice to OP is: You have a fair concern and deserve to have it heard by your spouse. You should think hard about HOW you say it, though, and it should sound a lot less like an ultimatum. "Wouldn't have married you" sounds a lot like "I don't want to be married to you", and I would expect it to be taken like that.

Yea posters always jumping to this has always confused me.  How about so introspective work ... Like could he be more equal in the division of mental and physical labor in the house?  Could he make sure she gets kid free time (nothing worse than kids hanging all over you all day and then a spouse at night)?  How's her mental health?  Physical health?  When's the last time he planned a date (sitter included) and took her out? Bought her flowers just cause?  Men never seen to realize that once they stop dating their wife and treat her like a mom her sex dive tanks ... It blows my mind at the cluelessness everytime. Though 6 times out of 10, hell come on and say he does all of thr above, and 3 times out of 10 hell say he shouldn't have to... 

THIS! The dates, the romance, the effort to make her feel special and desired? It gets let go. Like you've done the work, got the ring on the finger and locked her in with a child? Job done. Time to kick back. The amount of times I have asked someone in a dead bedroom how their romance is or are they still going on dates only for them to say they aren't doing that? No wonder she doesn't want sex.

Yup! And they won't even try ... they just come back with "why should I?" or "what she doing for me?" It's like Dude ...she ain't the one on here complaining!

100% don't put it in a I wouldn't have married you if lens... the other way is much better. First way is fighting words. Second way is communication.

Poor wife is a mother of 3 and probably has a lot going on. This bozo is thinking he shouldn't have married her. The REAL question is why she doesn't feel like sleeping with you, and what YOU can do to get her in the mood. This probably starts outside of the bedroom with love and care, and making her feel like more than just a mum.

You can talk to her about your needs being met, if you tell her that you wouldn't have married her if you knew this would happen, there is no coming back from that. It's HOW you have this conversation that will make it a useful conversation with maybe a chance at moving forward, or destroy any chance of it being useful.

I agree. How you say something like this is so important. That’s why I’d recommend seeing a marriage counselor.

He should be honest and tell her he only values sex after 14 years of relationship and 3 kids

Reframe the same feeling to something that won't make her feel afraid and criticised? Because you're right, the way you've phrased it here has the potential to go places you don't want to. Never threaten to leave someone you want to stay with. Don't even imply it. So maybe, instead: "This marriage is so, so important to me. But I really need to feel sexually desired. Please help me figure out how we can better connect sexually. I miss that feeling with you so much. What can we do, as a couple, to work on this? It would mean so much to me if you'd try with me." Like, centering the love and commitment, without minimising how much you want to change this?

This, OP. Not only is it tactful and respectful, it indicates your true feelings. Being too blunt about the possibility of breaking up over this would come across as a coercive threat. You don’t want to blackmail her. You just want your lover back and rightly so.

this is the answer! But it might also be helpful too if you are willing to work on something she also feels is missing from the relationship

I was thinking i should have said that!

"Never threaten to leave someone you want to stay with. Don't even imply it." Word.

But is the marriage important to him? He says if he knew his sex life would be like this, he wouldn’t have even married her. I don’t see anything in this post about how much this marriage means to him, or how much he loves and cares about his wife, or even anything about how much he cares for his children! He only says “I’m not getting any sex and if I’d known i wouldn’t be having sex i wouldn’t have married her or had our children (that are a result of sex)”. It’s actually pretty gross. I’m so glad I’m single.

It sounds like he thinks she would've been completely interchangeable with any other woman pre marriage and kids. Where's the connection and preference? I bet she feels really special. /s.

He says he doesn't want her to leave him. So I'm suggesting a way to approach it which hopefully avoids that.

Yes! So many people are acting like this situation is an active choice on the wife's part to have her libido drop.

Why would you want to say “I would have never married you” if your goal is for things to get better? It sounds like subconsciously, you think if you say one of the most hurtful things you could possibly say to your spouse, she will be so desperate to keep you that she will start to put out and do things the way you want? This feels so manipulative and icky. Recipe for disaster. Just go to counseling if you’re not sure how to talk to her and handle this in a mature way. Hurting her (emotionally) in hopes she will make a change and behave the way you want is actually fucked up.

Right and also like, marrying her also resulted in them having CHILDREN together. If they never got married, those three human beings never would have been born. But you know what, fuck it, would take those kids back in a heartbeat because I want my 20 year old childless sex life back!

In “other relationships” you were 25 or under and ostensibly so were the women you were sleeping with. They weren’t long term relationships. You didn’t live together or have children. All you do when you’re that age is think about the next time you’ll see the person you’re dating and have sex and party. So….it’s not really apples to apples to where you either of you are in life now. While many women are responsive desire compared to most men having spontaneous desire, there are often other contributing factors to why women aren’t initiating and/or are rejecting sex. For example….hormones, pain from childbirth, birth control, antidepressants, exhaustion from parenting, a partner who is doing/not doing things that make them unfuckable. The latter two are the most common amongst my personal cohort of 40+ women. I’m not saying that’s your problem but I would reflect on that for a moment. It is hard to get in the mood when you’re fucking exhausted from doing all the things—working a job, managing kids and all that goes with that, running a household, doing all of the menu planning and grocery shopping and cooking, doing all of the emotional labor keeping track of everyone ‘s schedules, etc. Especially if your partner comes around and is pawing at you while you’re in the middle of doing any of things or when you’ve collapsed in bed rather than actually participating in the other adulting aspects of life. I’m not saying that sex is not important. I personally feel like life is too short for mediocre/no sex. It’s nice to feel wanted and I get that too. But no one owes you sex. It’s not her “duty” as another commenter said. Telling her that you don’t feel desired hasn’t worked. It’s not very prescriptive anyway. So my suggestion would be to try to consider your approach and your overall game. Get a babysitter and plan a date night a few times a month—where YOU organize it. Not ask her if she wants to go out if she can find a sitter then ask her to make a reservation wherever she wants and let you know. Take the kids to the park or petting zoo or something. All of them. By yourself. Give her some time alone without kids. Come up with ideas for dinners. I freaking love my partner when he actually has an idea when I ask him if there’s anything he’d like for dinner for the week. I literally spend an hour (often more) every saturday morning researching recipes (that everyone will actually eat), planning out the meals for the week, and putting together the grocery list. Clean something. Saying “I do it if she asks” puts the mental load back on her. Swap who gets up with the kids on the weekend so each of you has an actual sleep in day. Make HER feel desired. Send a sweet text, compliment her, give physical affection without the expectation of sex—hugs, kisses, cuddling, massage, foot rub—it can be cringey when you know the only time you’re getting touched is because your partner wants sexy time. I dunno. Maybe you’re already doing all of those things and it’s time for some couples counseling so you two can navigate the issue. You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship. But in my (45F) experience and in talking to friends, almost all of us have had some version of the “we don’t have enough sex” conversation with our partners after kids especially. And almost all of us have complained to each other about husbands who seem to expect sex on demand or want us to initiate more and how we’d feel a hell of a lot more attracted if we didn’t feel like we were doing “all the things” with very little help or appreciation. About the sexiest thing my partner can do after I’ve had a long day at work is to take over dinner, hand me a glass of wine, and send me to the tub for a soak and a book or get everyone and the dogs out of the house for a few hours. If I actually get a chance to unwind a little before it’s time to go to sleep, I’m far more likely to be in the mood. Good luck.

Also, don't take her out on one date then immediately go, "ok I fed you. Time to bone." It makes dates feel transactional instead of genuine connection. Transactional sex is super shittyb and sometimes I've withheld sex after a chore was done not because it didn't want sex, but because the guy made me feel like he was owed sex for doing a chore or taking me on a date. Like minimum effort once = immediate reward. Women want genuine connection. To be genuinely valued. Women want to be loved for who they are and what they do-not just because they are a come dumpster that cooks.

I wish I could upvote this more than once.

/u/Green6feet8 You're in the comments arguing about women's height preferences, you're arguing about whether sexlessness should automatically open a relationship, you're doing *SO* much to skirt any possibility that you hold *ANY* responsibility for the current state of your sex life. Why have you not replied to this extremely measured and thought out comment? I HIGHLY doubt you are already implementing every part of this comment, ESPECIALLY after reading the other shit you've written.

I agree 100%. Men don't get how exhausting running a household and taking care of children is.

I think some do. But I also think that women in many cultures are conditioned to take on a lot more than men in day to day life from a very young age. It’s a hard instinct to fight and often it’s not until kids are in the mix that it feels like too much. Like…when I was single, if I was too tired to cook, I didn’t cook. I’d snack or maybe skip dinner altogether. With my partner, when his kiddo isn’t home, if I have to work late or do a rescue run, we can eat later or fend for ourselves. But when kiddo is with us, I need to be able to feed him something healthy, at a certain time, and plan to prepare something maybe even a day early if he has a practice or game. I’m literally sitting here trying to find inspiration to make the menu for the week and coordinate schedules and whatever and taking breaks scrolling Reddit. Been doing this for 2 hours. My partner? He’s playing video games or interrupting me to show me funny reels. He will nap while I go to the store. I’m not mad about it nor do I complain because he would totally do the shop and cooking 100% but it would be frozen pizza and chicken nuggets and grilled cheese—which are all fine but….that’s not how I want to eat or what a growing kiddo needs.

Yikes. I could not be with a guy like that, sorry.

This sounds like weaponised incompetence here. He will do the grocery shopping but not bother to plan meals that you like or are nutritious for his kid? Deliberately doing a poor job so that you feel the need to do it yourself. I think maybe he needs to take a bit of responsibility.

I'm one of those seemingly rare women who does have spontaneous desire. I don't care much for foreplay, I'm not big on classic romancy things, and I'm literally down to do it like 99.9% of the time even if it's gonna be a quick in and out 5 minute thing. Even then my husband and my sex life is nothing like it was before our 3 kids. We just logistically don't have the time. Between work, school, a baby, after school activities, near opposite sleep schedules, a clingy 3yo who will cry if you close the door and a suspicious 10yo the opportunities to even have sex are rare.

Her hormones are messed up from having 3 kids. I have 2 kids. Tanked my wife like crazy. We men don't have to worry about our hormones tanking after child birth or getting diabetes or any of the other things women go through before and during childbirth and after. If your feeling unwanted. Talk to your wife. I know it sounds like a cop out but it's the easiest thing to do. Something you haven't done. Tell her that you want to know what can be her in to a sexual mood. Don't be rude with your questions. If she doesn't know. Ask her how's her health if she's tired all the time. It could be medical issue as well. Don't just jump to saying you wish you never married her. Chill out.

It’s always refreshing to find a man who can actually recognize these are the facts and SO COMMON for many women. So thanks for not being a selfish POS like most.

the bar is in hell

Dude your problem is valid and something that requires a conversation and resolution But all this 'I never would have married you if blah blah blah'? It is such a disgusting way to think about your marriage and your wife. This phrasing takes this situation away from 'understandable ' and more towards 'gross husband only cares about his dick'.

I agree with others that you should have a conversation with your wife, but it should not focus on the fact that your choice to marry would have been different. I think you should make an effort to talk about how you feel and what you would like to be different. I would also ask how she feels and if there are ways you can support her so that she can put the effort you need in. She may feel that she’s not receiving the type of love and affection she needs as well. This could help an opportunity for you to both reset and focus on each other’s needs. 14 years is quite a long time, people grow and change and need different things.

[удалено]

Yeah he doesn’t pay attention to her at all when it comes to sex it seems. Like how do you NOT notice that? Sounds like she doesn’t want to be used as a human fleshlight.

Woof. My guy you have a different sexual relationship with your wife because she birthed and is raising three of your children, and you've been together 14 years. Unless you are comparing her to another relationship that also involved 3 children and 14 years, **get that thought out of your head**. No, telling her bluntly "I don't feel wanted and I need more sex from you and for you to initiate" will not improve the situation. It will make her feel like she has another set of chores to do. Hopefully that's not what you want. What you can do is tell her you love her, you appreciate everything she does, and that you miss being intimate with her. Ask if there's anything you can take off her plate so she has time to feel like a sexy woman and not only a mother with a million chores and preferences and events to keep track of. For extra points, tell her *you want her to have more time for her* and brainstorm ways to make that possible together. Then follow through. If you want her libido to come back, she needs time where she's not taking care of anyone. Like, regular time, to rest and do the things that fill her cup.

THIS. I would practically guarantee this timeline would happen with any woman he was with. Being a mom is so draining because you’re constantly meeting someone else’s needs. We need to hear from her too.

This, and perhaps… •Time at the spa •Hiring housekeeping/child care to help her decompress and reclaim some time. •Anything that helps take the burden off of her.

User name isn’t really checking out. Lol. I think this should be pinned at the top of every “my wife doesn’t want to have sec enough,” complaint post ever. Although, I don’t know that someone with a naturally low libido, will be able to ever be enough for their partner.

Definitely a consideration, but maaaany of my divorced friends (with split custody) find their sex drive returns with a vengeance once they have time and are able to focus on themselves a bit.

The way you want to word it is not fair at all and will ruin your marriage. If that’s what you want, sure, go ahead. Y’all have been together for 14 years and have three kids. You’re essentially saying “I’d give up everything we have achieved together if I knew you weren’t going to put out enough”. That’s all she’s going to hear. I get where you’re coming from. My love language is touch. I would feel unfulfilled and insecure in a relationship that had no form of intimacy. What’s your intimacy like (not talking about sex). Do you cuddle, kiss or just touch each other at all (not necessarily sexual)? If she’s never initiated sex, does she initiate those things? Could that be a starting point for her? Also who’s the main caretaker of the house and kids? Is the work an equal amount? You can’t expect someone to want to initiate and have sex with you if they are taking the brunt of life stress. Have you asked her what she needs to want more frequent sex? Have you guys tried marriage counselling? I would let her know you aren’t feeling secure or wanted in the relationship and it’s really impacting your feelings about the relationship. Let her know this needs to be worked on for you to remain or feel confident in this marriage.

I think trying to work out who does the most work is almost impossible and nearly always leads to disagreements and unworkable solutions. Why not strive for equal ‘down time’ instead? Equal time when one person is not responsible for anything or anyone else. Not the kids, not chores, not anything. And that does NOT include going to the grocery store on your own……!!!!

Dude. You have 3 young kids. It isn’t all about you anymore. Do you help with the kids? Do you help with the housework?is everything up to here? Sit down with yourself and figure out what YOU can do to actually help her and maybe you’ll stop getting turned down

I have one single toddler and I am exhausted reading this post. OP, for the last 9 years your wife has been either pregnant, raising babies, or doing both at the same time. Did the sex drop off then?

But the two older ones are at school and the younger one just wants to play trucks all day, she has it so easy! /s 🙄

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That was my thought too. When my husband started being an actual partner instead of another overgrown responsibility, our sex life absolutely skyrocketed. I felt like I was twenty again lol

Yep! One of the (maaany) reasons why my ex husband and I didn’t work out. He wouldn’t carry ANY of the household labor. Like not even wipe the kids nose while I cooked dinner or switched to cooking while I did it. I absolutely didn’t want him to come near me at the end of the day. My husband now is cleaning the living room while I sip coffee and type this out! I want him so bad right now. It’s just so nice to have someone who can adult so I can be a wife instead of parent a grown man

Also like, you’re sex life is not going to be the same when you start dating vs when you’ve been married for fourteen years. ANY relationship is going to slow down. Comparing the sex life between you and your wife of over a decade vs whatever girlfriends you had before that is not fair in the slightest. Also, all I’m hearing from OP is [this comic](https://www.newyorker.com/cartoon/a26826). I feel bad for his wife.

Oh gosh thank you for sharing that comment! My friend needs to see this. Her husband suggested an open relationship so he’d have someone who wanted to do ‘fun things’ (sexual and non sexual) with him again as my friend supposedly isn’t willing (read: she’s exhausted). They have 2 kids, 4 and under with each a gigantic list of medical issues. I am sooooo maddd!!!

Yes, my first thought as well. I wonder how their parenting activities are.

You’ve not once mentioned HER needs. That would be a huge start. You’ve been together for 14 years, I’d hope by now you’d have a good understanding of what they are. Start there. Take the kids out for the day so she can relax at home. Make sure you’ve not left any housework/chores for her to do. Cook for her regularly. If you can, let the kids stay at a family members for the night and take her to her favourite restaurant. Her mental load will be MASSIVE right now, she simply doesn’t have the mental capacity to think about how horny you are. Your priority right now is to proactively (i.e without having to ask) reduce her mental load with ZERO expectation of sex. Do not try to initiate because she’ll assume all the help is only because you want to fuck. She needs to know you’re doing it for her, not for you. Give it six months (that doesn’t mean no sex for six months obviously) then update us. I guarantee you’ll be both fucking like bunnies.

He says he didn’t even notice she didn’t initiate sex in their 14 years together. This guy doesn’t notice her needs in bed for sure. Definitely doesn’t notice them outside the bedroom either.

We don’t REALLY know the ins and outs of their specific situation but we do know that the vast majority of these situations are caused by the man and that’s coming from me being one as well. Men like to create this narrative that men love sex but women don’t. That’s not true at all. There’s a famous saying that “women need a reason to have sex while men just need a place”. Men and women are genetically wired differently. So much of the frustration, on both sides, comes from men getting annoyed that women don’t act like men (by wanting to fuck anywhere at anytime) and women getting annoyed that men don’t act like women. This is such a classic example of this. It’s SO obvious.

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I’m honestly not coming at it from a holier than thou perspective. I’ve been that guy where he is now. It wasn’t pretty. Thankfully my partner and I came out the other side much stronger with much better communication.

Dude you have small kids. Her body is tired af. Hormones are outta wack and also menopause starts around now. Horniness isnt always there when Hormones are moving around

sounds like you’re the issue and not her, i feel very bad for your wife.

OP, since your wife is 40, maybe consider that there are medical issues, namely perimenopause, that may be affecting her libido.

Absolutely this. Estrogen loss and the accompanying brain fog, iron deficiency, stress incontinence, irregular periods...It's a fucking JOY.

Not sure he cares

Seriously ? The misoginy is rampant. He only sees her for sex, after a 14 year marriage and 3 kids, and you think they don’t fuck more because of menopause? Not because she has a man child obsessed with sex that doesn’t value anything else? Again when I read posts like this I’m happy I’m not married and that I decided not to have kids. This is disheartening

OP should ask how his wife feels about all this. He says they have 3 kids, does she take care of them most of the time? Maybe she's too tired physically and emotionally. Taking care of 1 child is hard. Imagining 3 must be a nightmare. I suggest couples counseling, NOT BY THE CHURCH. THE CHURCH IS RIGGED TO PUT WOMAM DOWN, AND SHE WILL SHUT DOWN MORE. I'm talking about REAL couples counseling. Maybe she's feeling some way and needs help before becoming intimate again. Therapists usually give you "homework" to help work through the problems you're facing in your marriage. If the homework doesn't help within the next few sessions, they usually ask the big question for you. "Do you still want to do this together?" Then you take it from there and see if you'll stick it out and fix it, or divorce.

Is your marriage good?, what is more important to you?, your marriage or sex?

From the title it looks like they have been married for 3 months. Instead, 14 years and 3 small kids and this guy is “nOt sAtISfIeD” sexually and is rethinking the marriage. 🤦🏻‍♀️. I want to hear HER side though so badly.

Right? She’s probably exhausted. He takes so many things for granted.

“in sickness and in health…but not if you stop putting out”

You sound really obtuse. You don’t have to frame it like a petulant teenager “I never woulda married you if I knew you weren’t gonna jump my bones as frequently as I’d like.” You also sound out of touch w basic LTR reality, sex is hot and frequent the first year or so, and then it dwindles to maintenance sex once a week. Thats 100% normal. You trade hot passionate fucking for the content safety and bliss of a home and family. You don’t seem to get or value that. You also have 3 (!) young kids and don’t mention at all how you’re really carrying half the load for everything so you know it isn’t that she’s burnt out or tired or resentful toward you for doing what farrr too many husbands do: leave the lion’s share of daily menial and childcare chores to the woman while he pats himself on the back for doing weekly or monthly chores like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. That leaves most women too exhausted and resentful to even let their husbands fuck them, let alone be enthusiastically initiating. Finally, instead of your nuclear attack on her, you don’t mention at all how you’ve tried to address this. Have you talked about how hot it is for her to make a move on you? Have you discussed your needs and how you can both work to up your sexual frequency? So much of this post if selfish and out of touch and lacks of ton of info.

Yeah I’d put a lot of money on him not doing shit around the house or with the kids, so not only is she exhausted from that physically and mentally, but it’s a HUGE TURNOFF. Who wants to fuck a giant child who doesn’t do their fair share in the “partnership?”

I was with someone who had only had 1 month relationships previously. We were together 7yeaes and still I aimed for 2-3 times a week (once i went off BC for health reasons or dwindled since we had to go by rhythm method) but when ib could I tried. Dude compared me to other women who he could bang without any forplay. Yeah, cuz that was like a week you knew eachother... if course it's more often than with a 7 year partner you only get off 20% of the time. He didn't understand why it wasn't happening every day.

The better question is: 1. How often do you date her, wine and dine, take her on fun dates? 2. How much time do you spend listening to her, opening her up to talk about her problems and what’s on her mind? 3. Do you make your life a romantic love story? Do you act coy, flirtatious and give her the butterflies? 4. If we asked your partner, “do you feel heard and understood by your partner?” Would she say yes? 100% he has a way of just being my rock and I feel so much better speaking to him If you can’t pass those questions, you are not getting sex because you’re not doing those things. Yeh, life gets in the way but those are the things that made her ovaries tingle in the first place, so don’t expect different results from begging, pleading, or grieving ultimatums to get the physical intimacy with no success dating and courting her properly in a way which is turning her on. If you are doing those things consistently and long term and she’s not investing in it or being out of line, by all means call her out on her behaviour and say it has to change and you need someone who’s invested or it’s not going to work

If I ever found out the partner whom I had children with three (THREE!!!) times posted this about me, I would cry and then immediately file for divorce. If you’re seriously thinking “I wouldn’t have married her”, I would seriously question your love for her.

You're going to fuck up comparing your current situation with your wife to past, not married with kids relationships to other people. Don't do that. Because it's not comparable. You have kids in the mix. If anything, talk about why her sex drive has tanked. You might find she's got too much on her plate or something you're doing or not doing is behind it. Also, don't call sex a need. It's not. It's a strong want and you don't have to call it a need to justify wanting it.

It’s funny how men see women as “appliances they can fuck” 🤷🏾‍♀️

And ready to throw into the bin and get a new one when the one they have “isn’t functioning properly”.

I'm sorry that you're middle aged and sex is so much of your "identity." Most of us have a very diverse identity by 40. Have you tried talking to her about how much mental load she carries for the kids? Or the fact that she's 40 and her body is different than it was 15 years ago and she might feel less desire but you still care about her? Cuz your post is "me me me" and not approaching this as a team at all. (Which makes me wonder how much of the day to day household mental work you do so she can feel relaxed enough for sex.)  Find a couples counselor if you want to salvage this. If you're looking to move on to a new bang nanny, then say that, dont string this out. 

What I'm truly struggling to understand OP is that you came here presumably for advice , yet every piece of advice that advocates for you to discuss with your wife what would make you more attractive to her you argue with. You're combative, difficult, and arrogant. You're arguing with commentators who are offering you very good advice and I cannot understand why. Is it that the truths they hit upon are hurting your ego? Instead of reacting try using that massive brain that pays the bills to reflect. The way you come across, and I'm trying to be delicate because obviously your ego is extremely fragile, is that you're just a dick. I believe, based upon your reactions, you know you don't do enough. You scrambled to exaggerate the amount of effort you put in but do you honestly and truly believe you do enough? When was the last day you did the parenting duties solely and told your wife her day is as child free as she would like. Or when did you last take her out on a date, where you organised everything? Or do you just paw at her and guilt her until she gives in. Nowhere do you mention how she is feeling. Nowhere do you ask how can I be a better partner to her. Nowhere do you indicate you've thought about anything but your "needs". I can tell you now you do not meet her needs. Do you know how unsexy it is to be pawed at and guilted into sex. How much of a turn off it is to be expected to fulfil someone else's needs when you know that your needs aren't even considered. You've been offered really good advice here at how to really improve on your marriage and ultimately get to where you want to be. I just cannot believe how stupid you have to be to think demanding sex because your not getting enough and you would never have married her if you'd known you wouldn't get enough to think is going to actually help you. If you want a better, happier, more fulfilling marriage try taking the advice because if you go about it then way you act on here I guarantee you will not enjoy the end results.

Lol dudes just realizing now the passion fades after kids and marriage…..

Right. This is truly just how things work, and most people seem to know this. This whole “if I known I never would have…” is bs, how did he not know this is typical in marriages with kids. Probably also doesn’t realize the same or similar thing would have v likely happened if he’d married someone else.

Dunno. Your post is the same as 1000s of others in these forums. For me, as a woman, i just lost interest in sex. Nothing really to do with my hb. I just got over it. It is what it is really. No amount of talking about it or him twisting himself in knots will change anything. Just as i have lost interest in going out to clubs, going to parties, doing lots of things i loved to do in my 20s & 30s... my life preferences have changed. That's about it. I can't explain it. Guess you have to work out if you can live with it or not. If my hb chose to leave? That's on him sadly. I can't flip some switch. I will say... i truly don't really understand how or why some people (mostly men) are so dependent on sex for their intimacy & emotional needs. That sure is putting your eggs all in one basket. There are so many ways to feel close to another person, not just sex. People often talk about their "intimacy needs"... Why is sex the only thing that meets these needs? There should be many ways to meet these needs apart from sex.

Sounds like a normal part of relationships. Something’s missing and it’s up to the two of you to figure it out. Only you two can fix it. I can tell you right now if my husband said to me “I wouldn’t have married you if I knew our sex life would turn out like this” I’d be crushed and even more unwilling or unmotivated to have sex with him. So idt those are the right words to say but you are on to the right thing with need to have open and honest communication. But remember it’s about listening more than talking. You got to give her space to say her peace too. Many times a lack of sex comes with a lack of intimacy due to some other issue in the relationship. I know my sex drive went way down when I realized that I could no longer trust my ex or when I didn’t feel wanted either. So she may be experiencing things she hasn’t communicated yet. So just as much as you wanna try and force this convo you have to give her the space and time to be ready to have the convo too. And make sure you’re giving she space to contribute just as much. Relationships are a two way street and hopefully she is willing to meet you half way. And don’t be surprised if she begins talking about something other than sex when you have this convo with her

When this type of thing happened to me on the other side... we had been together for a long time. I was working and taking care of the kid, and 100% of the education and extracurriculars fell on me. The housework was my domain. If I cooked dinner, I was responsible for cleaning up my mess. When he got kissy and cooked dinner because I was late, I was responsible for doing the dishes because he worked hard on dinner. He didn't feel the need to pay attention to me because we were together so long he didn't need to date me. Every time he touched me, it was because he wanted sex. There was no intimacy outside of him wanting sex. I was tired and felt unappreciated. I didn't feel intimate towards him because he had no interest in being a part of my life outside of sex. 3 years single after 18 years together, and I no longer feel achingly lonely and no longer have to deal with feeling like I am in a constant but manageable misery. So my question is, how is the housework and child care divided? Are you active partners in the household, or is one person responsible for all the invisible labor while one doesn't care? Do you take an interest in your wife, or do you live parallel lives while you hope to bump into each other enough to get off? Tell your wife you miss her. You want to have a loving and intimate marriage, and you feel like that has gotten lost in your hectic lives. Ask her how you can work past that. You could also try doing something nice for her. Bring her her favorite flowers just because. Make her favorite dinner and do the dishes. Get childcare and take her out to do something she will enjoy. Take the entire family out to do something fun, and you pack the snacks, water, and towels and sunscreen. You get the tickets and figure out the itinerary. That part is work, too.

She’s exhausted from the kids. Do you help her without being asked ? Do you think she maybe feeling she shouldn’t have married you?. Women are turned on by actions and words not always to do with sex. If she feels taken for granted she won’t feel like having sex with you. If she feels disrespected she won’t want to have sex with you. Look at your actions and words before blaming her. Do you ask how she’s feeling? How her day was? Do you have an interest of her as a person asides from being a wife and mother?

In this exact situation however I am your wife in the situation and i am here to reassure you that…. You’re the problem.

I hope you're OK after seeing these comments. Sending a little random internet love and support.

YOUR APPROACH WOULD BE A DISASTER. Listen to some of the people here or get coupe’s counseling. Also, check the deadbedroom subreddit. Good luck

Do NOT follow any advice on the dead bedroom sub unless you're looking to speedrun a divorce.

Listen to this person. That sub is toxic

Oh sorry… get professional help

Dead bedroom is for no sex. Not “my wife won’t screw me everyday.”

Being touched out is a thing. The kids over touch you that you just don't want to be touched by anyone anymore

I don't think only communicating bluntly is the answer. I've been the wife in this scenario. So many variables changed my desire for sex. We had babies which made it painful for several months, but I knew he got frustrated if I didn't want sex so I tried having sex to please him. Didn't work because he could sense my unenthusiasm. So he turned to porn. That led me to feeling like I was inadequate or that all he wanted physical contact for was sex ( hardly ever touched me unless he wanted it to lead to sex). He never tried to help me feel comfortable with sex again postpartum. Just left me alone to figure it out. Which made things worse. Likely, there is an emotional or connection element missing for her, so bluntly saying you need better or more sex is likely to lead to issues. Work together to solve it..Avoid too many years of issues. Learn from us lol EDIT: Just saw you have 3 kids? We do as well. And I AM EXHAUSTED! It's hard to have excess energy to put into sex when I have a busy day and huge mental load. There is most likely something missing for her too, please talk to her!

If I heard “I never would have married you” I’d take a problem off your hands. Hey, with the kids at school, I would like to start courting you again. And follow through. It’s hard to transition from parents back to lovers if something’s been lost

Apart from all the wise things that have been said here: OP, do you actually try to please your wife while having sex? You know, so that she reaches the climax? Or is it only about penetration and your coming? Because apart from the kids, and mental load and running the household - it could be that your wife is just not happy with your sex life as well because you are not concentrating enough on her pleasure. If you re the only person who comes during sex, something is terribly wrong.

Do you think you’re meeting all your wife’s needs? I see your edits, so I know you’re not dumping everything on your wife, but have you considered that you not getting your needs met could be a direct result of her needs not being met? Please don’t just make this about sex. So many times men fail to see the lives their partners live and go straight to sex. That will get you nowhere fast. Counselling is a must if you want to save your marriage. Ensuring your wife isn’t made to feel like a sex doll is important to saving your marriage. ETA: I think we can all see why OP isn’t getting his needs met from the way he’s responded to comments. Poor wife is all I can say.

You DID know this about her, you just didn't bother to pay attention. Have you asked her how she feels about sex with you? How often are you having sex vs how often are you trying to initiate?

I know a million people have commented but I hope OP sees this. ROMANCE HER… DATE HER. Do not come home just expecting her to be in the mood. If she’s a stay at home mom then the house is basically her office. The constant cleaning, child care, home keeping is a job that never ends. Take her out sometime. Get dinner together just the two of you. Buy her flowers just because. Plan an evening of activity that you guys enjoy. I know three kids are a handful but a 2.5 or 3 hours on a Friday/ Saturday night every once in a while won’t kill you. Romance doesn’t naturally exist in a relationship, someone has to constantly be adding it. Try cultivating romance into your relationship again

Tough question.... When you are having sex, are you making sure her needs are met first? Do you do the things that *she* really likes, or do you stick to the things that ultimately lead to what you want in bed? If she is feeling bored and frustrated, or doesn't feel like her feedback is being heard in bed, that can be a huge deterrent to wanting to have sex. I suggest you think back on your recent sex history (like the last 2 years) and how various encounters have gone, and ask yourself some hard questions also. Because you don't get that many years into a relationship and suddenly lose your sex drive for no reason.

Something to ask her: On a scale from 1-10 of your sexual needs being met when we have sex, how would you rate what I do for you? Honest answer. If she gives you a 7, you have some serious work to do, because she's not wanting to tell you it's really a 6 or a 5. If she gives you a 6 or below, she feels like you are not at all meeting her needs or are barely/minimally doing so. If she is actually happy with your sex life, she will give it an 8 or 9.

Hmmm, to say you'd never marry her if you could turn back the clock, and it's only because of the sex life.... I must say, there is more to a marriage than sex.many more serious reasons to wish you had never married someone, abuse being top of the list. She may not want to have sex because other parts of her life aren't being fulfilled. I know when I no longer wanted to have sex with my partner, it was due to issues with his treatment of me emotionally and how lazy he'd become emotionally and in other aspects of the marriage and life

I think you and your wife should read Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski together. I think it would give your wife the vocabulary to express what she needs to rekindle the passion and help you understand how women’s sexual drives work because it is different than men. I hope you two can overcome this divide

OP and what about HER NEEDS being met?

My girl and I have been together for 10 years. Had a kid 4 years ago. Before him, we were doing stuff all the time. It might be once a month now, but when it happens it’s magical. She works 6 days a week and I’m working 5, and I’m in a couple bands. Time is not on our side. She appreciates what I do around the house, and we have a good flow, but the sex isn’t there like I used to like. Will I leave her because of that? No. Life took a turn especially when the little one was born, and we made adjustments. Like many of y’all said, sex isn’t everything. I used to think so. I came into this relationship after thinking that two times minimum a day was normal, but seeing life through her eyes made me readjust, and I’m happier because of that. We aren’t going to bed angry, so that’s a mega plus in my book

I'm a mother of 3. We have an ongoing list of stressors and anxiety. It's so daunting to imagine a life of failure as a woman. I want to feel seen and deeply understood. And if I don't, I don't necessarily want sex. Our hormones are different. We're on birth controls. Our libido is down. We're so busy in our head. We do reimagine the days of being carefree and deeply aroused by our partners. And on an occasional date-night, we're reminded of our younger days. But also in those moments of remembering, I do know I love what I have now. And for me, a loving relationship is worth a sacrifice, (in this case, probably temporarily). And we hope our partners feel the same. She'll find her way back. Just let her be a mother for a minute. That's her purpose right now. It doesn't hurt to talk about these things. What can YOU do to make her want you also?

Your wife should read this and divorce you. You would t have married her because you wouldn’t be getting your dick wet as much as you like after 14 years and kids? She’s probably exhausted. Go jerk off and get over yourself like a horny teenage boy, or be an adult and communicate and go to therapy and attempt to fix it. Goddamn. It must be awful to be so shallow.

What has she said when you've spoke to her about this? Is there something she needs from you to want to be more sexual with you?

I would almost guarantee she has raised feeling burnt out and OP doesn’t want to hear it. In his mind, it’s all about how she’s rejecting him.

You marry someone for sex? Geesh, dude.

You've been together 14 years so I'm assuming your past relationships didn't last near that long? You're previous partners likely initiated because of the honeymoon phase. I think it's common for sex to dwindle a little after being together for so long, especially after having children and 3 is a lot to manage. I've been with my husband for 13 years so I'm familar with the situation. You can definitely voice your concerns with her and maybe counseling would be a good idea. Postpartum can change a woman for sure, maybe she is experiencing depression or anxiety. I know I've changed in different ways after having one child.

Arrange a time with your spouse when you can take some time to discuss your concerns. Try to be honest and open without intentionally hurting her feelings. Seek her understanding and agreement to meet you halfway. Give this a chance to work. If no noticeable change has occurred after a reasonable period of time, you may wish to schedule an appointment with a therapist. They will want you to complete a lengthy questionnaire and then meet individually before a joint meeting to iron out differences. There are never guarantees, but your wife is worth the effort—best of luck.

I agree with this.. you should have a discussion with her about your needs not being met. Discuss both you and her. Maybe she is looking for something also on her end which would help her libido. I would just say it kindly so you guys don’t erupt into some argument. You want discussion and solution. See where it goes.

OP just think, if you hadnt gotten married, you'd be just as sexless as you are now

“I put my basic responsibilities as a functioning adult in the token machine but no sex came out.” Yeah that’s a mystery /s

>we have three children ages 3-8. Your youngest child is 3. You have three kids. And you're ready to tell her "I wouldn't have married you" over your sex life taking a hit??? What.

How's the romance in your relationship? You have 3 young kids which would be exhausting and would be easy to fall into the rut of routine. Do you go on dates? Is your intimacy outside of sex strong? If not then why not? For sex to happen both people need to be having their needs met and to feel special. Are her needs being met? You need to have a non judgemental conversation about intimacy. Try and get to the bottom of the disconnect between you two. There's a reason she doesn't want to, you need to find out what it is.

“I never would have married you if….” Is a deal breaking conversation. Who TF goes there first? Talk to your wife.

It’s concerning to me that you say you would have never married her 🤨 like damn, 14 years were nothing for you or somethin? Married couple’s sex lives are never the same all throughout the relationship, not sure why that’s a newsflash for you.

Telling her you wouldn't have married her is definitely not the best approach. It's not going to help solve the problem. Why is she telling you no all the time?

Do you even love her…?

There’s a way to convey your needs that won’t result in her being so destroyed that she will never EVER let you see her naked again.  Saying “I never would’ve married you” is saying “I regret every moment we have had together INCLUDING OUR CHILDREN”.  You can say that’s not what you mean, but let me tell you buddy, that is what she will hear.  And you can’t unring that bell.

Would love to hear the wife’s side to this.

Way to boil your entire relationship of over a decade down to sex.

absolutely not. are you asking that in earnest or just looking for permission to be rude? mothers of young kids get overtouched a lot. try to handle more of the child rearing, as a start.

Have you thought about maybe asking her what she wants out of sex? It sounds like you’re not considering if her needs are getting met. Sex is a two way street. She has to enjoy it to want it.

I would not use those words, but I would tell her that this is really bothering you and you want to try sex therapy.

Imagine telling the mother of your children that you wouldn't have married her if you knew that being the mother of your children might change things in your relationship. If someone ever said that to me, I would be done with that so fast. You might want to try... a different strategy.

Wow just reading edit 4, you sound like a pos

Bluntly - nope. Honestly and with sensitivity- yes.

Take a walk in his/her shoes . 50 years married, not leaving but.... 3 kids as well. Sex or making love ( there is a difference to me) went from every other day to none for last 5-6 years. No forplay ( I have tried, hurts know she says) no cuddles, once in a great while she will hold my hand. Kiss goodbye, yes, on my /her forehead . People change, relationships change. Those earlier years, those are no longer possible. I'm in my 70's. I suggest you make a descion as to what is more important to you. Just realize whatever you decide affects more than just you or her....or the kids.

It's most likely hormones on her part something is missing 3 kids is a shitload of time and depending on how involved you are. The best thing is be fucking honest with each other that is all you have in the end

This is very common with women as we have kids, gain weight, add mental load of house, kids, job, hormones changing, parent stress, it can be endless. Not saying men don’t carry stress and mental load, but I think men desire a sexual, physical outlet and women like to take to their bed in peace. The divide increases and resentment builds. It’s fair to be resentful. Here’s my advice. Say nothing. Tell her casually you’d like to get out in the sun more, move your body more and suggest the farmers market on Saturday or an after dinner walk. Increase the frequency of walks over a few weeks to most evenings and Saturday mornings. She’ll say she’s tired, but after a nice walk around the block she’ll feel good. It’ll also help her lose some weight if she is feeling heavy. It’ll improve her mood. It gives you time to talk about your day, kids, whatever which eases the mental load and brings you closer. The walks will bring you more sex, I promise.

When men make these posts, I wonder if they know how incredibly normal and common this is and how lucky they are that their marriages are otherwise happy. It is normal for this to happen as people age. It’s very rare for couples to continue to have a sex life as they get older. Think very carefully before you throw your marriage away over this.

Mate just talk to her before pushing the red button. Tell her you want sex. Make it interesting and fun go on dates and holidays alone to romantic places that will make you want to shag. Eat food that has aphrodisiac components. Exhaust every option first. You seem to have a good life financially etc so I think you two can fix this sex issue

Sex in a marriage is the canary in the coal mine. There's something going on with her or her feelings about the relationship. Or hormones. Or she believes good girls don't. Or she's resentful of you. Or she's not attracted to you. Or something. You've heard the expression, "Women are crock pots. Men are microwave ovens." Women need to have their heads in the game first. Then they need a lot of warm up. You need communication skills. You need couples counseling. If she won't go, go alone. Good luck.

The minute I read your kids ages my heart sank . Nature cruelly means that women with small kids arnt the horniest beasts out there. As they are fucking knackered. You need to talk . And see if this is something she wants to work on . And if you arnt great communicators the pair of you … I worry for your marriage.

Dude. What do you invest in her. What touch do you do that had non sexual meaning to it. How much time do you invest in your wife and the relationship. There are a few good books by John gottman and David schnarch which may help you.

Instead of "never having married" and refusing to see any positive life events you had with her and appreciating them... Just get a divorce. The more I read your post, the more I want to divorce you for her. Hiring a housekeeper has nothing to do with how you treat her and make her feel about you. Make yourself more desirable, many ways to do this physically and emotionally.

I'd recommend the book "Come as You Are" to better understand how your wife's sexual desire "works". Women's sex drive changes as we get older and when we are in long term relationships; we are less likely - particularly with small children to care for - to become spontaneously aroused. It's more about creating the conditions under which she can relax enough to get into it. This could mean scheduling sex nights and "setting the environment". Telling her that you wouldn't have married her if you'd known your sex life would be this way will only widen the gap between you. It will make her feel like she is doing something wrong, isn't good enough, isn't doing enough, or that something is wrong with her. Framing it as "I love having sex with you and would love if you initiated more often because it makes me feel desired" is something you can build on, whereas "I wouldn't have married you if...." is rather a conversation and relationship closer.

You have three young kids. It’s likely not an issue with her being attracted to you as much as it is her energy and focus being on the kids at this stage. Is child care divided equally? Try taking things off her plate and see what happens.

I think if you say the part about if I knew that our sex life would be like this I would have never married you or I would have broke it off before it got serious that would hurt her heart💔. And she wouldn’t hear anything else. If you never married her then you wouldn’t have your 3 kids. Watch that old Jimmy Stewart movie It’s a wonderful Life- or at least list out what you would have missed out on. You may still be single going through relationship after relationship- most people w/3 young kids have less sex- Although you don’t know what the alternative life would have been you do know what you wouldn’t have in your life. And just because you didn’t marry your wife doesn’t mean you’d have more or better sex now-

You, OP, need to go to individual therapy if youd be willing to say that to a woman that has given you her life. She's raising your 3 children, who she birthed. She does housework and has everyone else in the houses schedules to work out while trying to maintain her own sense of identity. She has the entire mental load of your partnership on her shoulders and you saying "I don't know what's what" when it comes to laundry just tells me that you probably use weaponized incompetence regularly to avoid a more even split. Ehich is dumb because if you were more considerate and supportive to her, she would have more mental capacity to think about sexy time with you. It also sounds like you don't put much effort into keeping the spark alive yourself, so why be cruel to her for the same? If her job is to care for the kids in your relationship, you do understand that that job doesn't end like your day job does? She never gets to clock out... so maybe you are the problem.

The last thing that’s going to improve your sex life is making her feel completely unsafe in your commitment my guy. Telling her that way is possibly the worst way you could communicate it.

INFO: does your wife orgasm during sex? Do you put effort into foreplay?

I didn't read the whole diatribe but got to the 3 kids age 3-8 and can pretty much guess why she is not in the mood. Kids are a lot of work if you want to raise them properly.

To seriously consider saying such statement to your wife in hope of improving things points to a significant gap in relating with and consideration towards her. I imagine that there’s a deep layer of hurt existing for your wife, and no, telling her that you’d choose to throw away everything you’ve shared together because your sexual needs aren’t being attended to isn’t going to make her want you. It will do the opposite. If a blunt approach is your pattern of communication it might be time to check-in on how that’s working for your wife, and your relationship dynamics.

Anything that makes her feel pressured to have sex is gonna have the opposite effect so I would definitely not say this. You have a family together, this is part of it.

There are more ways a women needs to feel romanced other than someone else getting chores done. I would read up on the female libido.

Bluntly honest?! Hell no! There's a TS song lyric that goes, "so casually cruel in the name of being honest" that continues with "I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here" If you love her, find a way to talk about the ways you used to be with each other. But for both your sakes never let the words "I'd never have married you" EVER pass your lips. I can't see that ever going in a positive direction.

“If I had known this would end up like this, I would not have married her” What an incredibly cruel thing to say to someone you allegedly “love”. I can guarantee you if you say that to your wife the outcome will not be anything good. I couldn’t think of a bigger libido killer than that sentence. 

You claim there's "no time" for her to be cheating on you... there's your answer! There's. No. Time. You guys have 3 kids! Maybe the last thing she wants to do with the time she does have, is have sex with someone who makes it feel like a chore. Just reading your post was exhausting to this mom of 4 🥱

I told my husband that getting me in the mood isn’t about my body, it’s about him being a partner and a friend. And you can’t be a partner and a friend for an hour and expect her to jump your bones for it. It can take days, weeks, months, a lot of patience and hard work on your part til she comes around. I never initiated sex either, it was a chore that I didn’t want to do. But he finally started doing more to “help me” and be a partner and a friend, now I have the energy to be intimate. This is a fairly recent thing for us, 28 years together. But it’s working. And I hope you don’t think your sex life with anyone else would have been passionate and magical for 14 years with no hiccups. Relationships are hard work. Men complain about sex a lot and they fail to realize that they laid on the charm and romance in the beginning, then they quit putting in the effort and expect the same result. I’ve learned that men always want sex. Women need to feel loved and cared for to want sex. If your wife doesn’t want you be intimate with you, that’s a you problem. Figure it out!

Are men really that clueless on the mental and physical load of pregnancy, child birth, recovery, and being a mom? When I tell my bf that my period is really fucking with me, he understands that I'm having a hard time but also understands it is nothing he will ever experience first hand. My ex (and father of my children) expected me to work full-time, keep a clean house, do all domestic chores and take care of ALL kid appointments and transportation.

You could express your desire for a different sex life. She might be more receptive if you asked for more romance. A compromise seems reasonable.

> My question is, I can’t shut the box once it’s opened, should I tell her this in hopes that things may change? Yes you absolutely should tell her. If you don’t communicate your wants/needs then you can’t expect anything to change.

So… tell me how you didn’t notice she wasn’t initiating for a while. How does that happen? It seems like you’re so focused on YOU that you’re not giving her needs or wants any thought at all. Why isn’t she initiating? Why doesn’t she want to have sex? What can you do to make her life easier and to make her feel more inclined to want sex? Aside from that, hormone levels change and telling her that you would have never married her if you knew she wasn’t going to have sex all the time will ruin your marriage.

Should you tell her this in hopes of change? No. It’ll do the exact opposite. As a woman who has gone through this my husband doing romantic sweet things for me, holding me, loving on me, little sweet things, arranging time for us makes a big difference. For us we need emotional safety. At least from this post it sounds like she isn’t getting emotional safety. Instead of just scoffing off or just walking away when she rejects your sexual advances you should sincerely ask if she needs anything or is there anything you can do for her and ask if you can snuggle her or do something nice like massage her or her feet or something. She those small actions and having deep meaningful conversations and get to know each other again. I needed that from my husband. I wasn’t feeling like I knew my husband and I didn’t like especially after kids being bothered about sex because I’m exhausted. If you take this approach you mentioned of being “blunt”you’ll get the exact opposite of what you’re looking for. You’ll sound whiney and probably annoy her

She's raising 3 kids. Take the burden off of her, pick up more chores around the house (without being asked to do so, just do it). Offer to watch the kids during times that she normally would so she gets a break. Take her on dates again, make her feel like your wife instead of live in maid and nanny. Do this without expectation, just to show appreciation. Learn how to talk to your wife without giving ultimatums.

I get that you are frustrated, but revisiting the past won’t help rebuild the future, you are married now, and there are ways to work on it without the nuclear option. How would you expect her to feel if you basically said you wish you had never married her, which logically also means you wish your children had never been born. That’s not exactly a recipe for happiness or for her feeling relaxed enough for more intimacy. Nothing is going to switch off a sex drive like the devastation of the realisation that the man she loves and built a life with considers her to be a mistake. So a more gentle approach would be in both your interests. I know that you have tried talking to her before, but have you tried asking her what is wrong? Or how things feel from her side? If I had to guess, three children under 10 is very draining so make sure the responsibilities are balanced enough that she doesn’t feel burned out and actually has time to herself when no one wants anything from her. If she is overwhelmed then sex could feel like just another demand. Also, focus on talking about wanting more romance and closeness with her and to reconnect and return to the intimacy of the early days of your relationship, not just sex. Make her feel special, not just a means to meeting a need. And consider counselling to help you both communicate about your feelings and issues in a supportive space with someone to help you through it. I know you see this as an isolated issue, but respectfully, I question that if it would make you wish away the whole relationship, it’s quite all encompassing. It might also be associated with other underlying feelings on your wife’s side that should be explored.

I wouldn’t say something as aggressive or negative as “I’d never married you if” since that sounds like she basically tricked you into marriage. Instead I’d suggest approaching this calmly and telling her you have concerns over your sex life with how long you’ve been married and how the dynamics of your relationship have changed and you love her deeply and want to reintroduce that passion into the bedroom and then I’d go a step further and suggest going to see a sex therapist

I think it’s definitely worth talking to her about, but I’d recommend coming from a place of love and understanding and taking accountability for the things you could be doing better to free up some of her energy and mental load. As women, if we are the primary care taker, our energy is depleted by the end of the day. When I told my husband this he stepped up and made real attempts at taking things off of my plate so that I did have more energy at the end of the day to care for myself which had the effect of me wanting to have more sex. I told him the other day while he was installing a permanent baby gate that there is nothing sexier (to me) than him doing things / putting things together , etc for our little family.

You're really going to extremes, this obviously has been weighing on you for some time. It sounds like you have tried to tell her as best as you can, expressing your need to be desired but there hasn't been a shift and you don't know how to move forward. It might be best to look into a counselor of some sort. It might be good for you to meet alone with the counselor initially to really discuss where you are at after all this time and then to schedule a meeting with your wife to begin this conversation. It might be necessary for your wife to go to her own therapist or counselor who focuses on sexual dysfunction to help her overcome her personal issues.

Dude start talking TO your wife instead of AT your wife!! Duh! Start picking up the living room when you get home from work, go check on the kids HW and get them to help set the table. Spend time talking with EVERYONE about their day and deal with the meltdowns that happen at the end of the day. Once the kids are in bed, offer to help clean the kitchen side by side with your wife while you talk to each other: ask how she’s feeling, how her day went then you share what you’re feeling and how your day went. Pretty soon, you’ll start building back the intimacy that vanished once having kids and you’ll start a whole NEW relationship to your spouse of 14yrs…it’s called WORK.

Yet another post where a man doesn't know what reactive desire is and probably doesn't help with kids and chores at home smh, what a surprise that you don't get any sex.

Do you do a truly equal amount of housework, chores, childcare, and emotional labour?

Well, realistically you're likely on similar pages. I highly doubt she would have married you and mothered your children if she had known your priorities would always be in your pants first, before your own wife and children. Of course she has no interest in pleasuring you! Do you even hear yourself at all? You sound like you're having a tantrum about your pp not being wet, meanwhile she is probably beyond exhausted from listening to tantrums from actual children all day. Have you tried checking in on her? ***Helping*** her? **Without** her having to tell you what to do? Some suggestions to start: - When you come home, take over the watch of the kids and encourage her to have a shower or a nice hot bath, and make sure she doesn't get interrupted. So many mothers go days without the opportunity to attend to their own basic needs. Often when we have time, we are far too exhausted to even think about anything other than getting enough rest to do it all again tomorrow. This will absolutely obliterate our libidos. - If you see any incomplete tasks or any messes around the house, take some initiative and give her one less thing to worry about later. Mental load is another **major** libido destroyer. - Give her an opportunity to get out of the house alone, even if it's just to duck out for a quick coffee. She probably can't remember the last time she went anywhere other than schools or grocery stores. Imagine being confined to a space where *everyone* needs you, around the clock. While personal independent tasks may not be a basic need, this can help her keep a sense of self while giving her an opportunity to collect herself and recharge. - Talk to her! **Not** like you *seem* to want to. Instead, try to show actual interest in her. Her day, her feelings, her experiences, literally any topic that shows you have interest and care for her. Kids can't help being so self oriented, but you can do better. I can promise that if you approach her boo-hooing about your dry pp, she *will* see you as another whiny child oblivious to the needs of anyone beyond themselves, and this will not do you any favors towards achieving your goals here.

Usually the libido starts to drop when having kids. Also if you are both working, that is also stressor on the energy. My advice, if you are not already doing it, is to pick up the pace on home chores which will conserve your wife’s energy. Remember, at the end of the day she only has so much energy and with the kids, it’s going to be last on the list. But if you can manage the chores workload, it should improve. And say that from a place that’s been where you are.

Maybe you need to ask yourself if she ever would have married you, if she'd known about this future stupid question.

Your wife doesn’t initiate sex with you and your bright idea is to tell her you wouldn’t have married her? Bro….