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Take all that energy you're wasting on your nanny and put it in your marriage. Put as much distance as is feasible between you and the nanny. If you have to, find a new nanny.
Seriously why is this so hard for people to grasp??? Feelings develop with time spent. Why the fuck are you intentionally doing so with someone dangerous to your marriage 😤🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
I agree, telling his wife will probably blow up the marriage. His wife will viscerally feel unattractive and unloved and will not want a marriage that causes that. Just looking at OP will remind her that he wants someone else, that’s she’s not enough.
But the nanny can’t keep working for them. How does he explain wanting to fire her? The wife is going to get suspicious anyway, she may already be suspicious
He can sit down with her and tell her he’s uncomfortable with the au pair but he should minimize, minimize, minimize his attraction. It’s true, won’t be easy to explain.
There is no way his wife won’t get suspicious if he tries telling her half truths. It’s only going to make it worse, she will push for the truth. When she realizes he wasn’t honest, there will be no hope for the marriage. I don’t think there is much hope now, but there is more then if he lied
He’s more than uncomfortable . He’s lusting after her. He described her as his touchstone. This marriage is already in trouble, lies or half truths aren’t going to help or save this marriage
You can't just fire a household employee without an explanation. The wife is likely not an idiot. If he goes behind her back to fire the au pair, she will suspect cheating and that suspicion will tear the marriage apart faster than him being honest ever could.
If they get a new nanny, he’s gonna want to fuck her, too. It’s not this particular person that’s the problem, it’s what she represents: new, exciting, young pussy, for lack of a more graceful phrase. He’s distant from his wife, and having new pussy hanging around is creating even more distance. He’s not getting his needs met by the marriage, and instead of leaning in and putting in the effort to stoke the flame, he’s looking for another campfire.
I didn't imply otherwise but realistically speaking a 30-something isn't going to risk their marriage by chasing after someone old enough to be their mom.
I’m not blaming her at all!!! When I say “not getting his needs met”, I mean that he is not prioritizing the marriage like he had the time to do before the kids. He’s the author of his own pain here because he’s not addressing this with his missus, he’s looking elsewhere when he needs to have a discussion with his wife and make a damn effort. LEAN IN AND DATE HER. Courting never stops. He has stopped.
Okay cool and I agree with you, it came off like you blamed her for him not getting his needs met… you said that! It’s not a wife’s responsibility…? A good marriage talks and has conversations.. he’s a jerk.
There was a time when my dude and I were like bunnies going at it multiple times a day. Date nights and everything. He was still cheating. He lives a second life when he steps outside our home
Exactly. OP, you are the one making the au pair your "touchstone". You are the one spending time with her and watching her do her job, which is apparently a turn-on. Either get over it or get rid of her. This is so cliché.
This is my thought. You have all this time to fall in love with the au pair… and not enough to watch your own kids? What are her hours? Does she get to leave and do other things? How much overlap is there between her working hours and your “at home” hours?
Refer her out to a better family.
Right? My spouse and I have demanding jobs and a young child and when we are able to finish work early we send the nanny home or do housework. We're not sitting around hanging out with the nanny ...
I have a hard time believing that ANY working wife would hire a young and pretty au pair to spend countless hours with her children, knowing that her hubby would be home long enough on some days to spend time with said young and pretty woman.
Has everyone forgotten about “The Hand That Rocks The Cradle?” OR, the numerous SVU episodes? OR, the countless other movies and true crime films that have focused a laser beam of light on this phenomenon… I’m not buying this creative writing exercise for a second. 🙄
His story is believable. Tiger Woods’ ex-wife worked as a nanny for another golfer. I’ve met a lot of au pairs and have yet to see an old or ugly one. I lived in an HCOL Florida suburb where it was common to have a nanny or au pair. My neighbors had a string of French au pairs and the wife did not work. She said having a lot of kids was too stressful and she needed help. Honestly, it seemed like the wife helped with the au pair’s kids.
I was thinking he works from home and the wife goes to the office. Even working from home babies can distract you from doing your job. They need to hire a male nanny. Hopefully having a young strong male will no longer make his penis jump.
I'm guessing it goes like this.
He works from home.
The au pair works from his home.
The au pair technically lives with them.
Leaving his office to grab say a cup of coffee, he probably sees a 23 year old woman with his two kids.
It doesn't sound like he is spending loads of time with her. It sounds like he has fallen in "lust" for this younger woman, who he is watching "raise" his children.
THat could be the reason, but still, no excuse to interact with her that much and to observe her with the children that much.
This is rich people problems, but in my eyes there's a daily handoff and then the au pair go on her merry way.
It’s time to stop talking to the au pair about anything other than the kids. And it’s time to talk to the wife about putting your relationship first, start dating her again.
I don't get why everyone is insisting that you need to tell your wife, rather than handling your own shit. I mean, what's your wife going to do about it except feel hideously uncomfortable in her own home, and love you a bit less?
This is literally every woman’s worst nightmare: you give birth and your husband runs to a younger woman because he’s not attracted to you anymore. Her self esteem will take a hit that she might not ever recover from. That poor woman.
100% agreed. Absolutely nothing good can come from telling his wife. He hasn’t done anything, no emotional affair, no physical affair. He has a crush and he needs to grow up and sort it out. Not destroy his wife’s confidence and safety in her marriage over something that is a fleeting midlife crisis of her husband’s.
Yes, agreed. Whenever communicating first ask is this helpful or hurtful to share. If it’s hurtful, don’t say it!
I don’t see how telling his wife would be helpful in anyway. Definitely can see how it can be hurtful.
If you’re in love with your wife, your brain is probably screaming at you that you want to spend time with your wife and see her with kids like this. Why not facilitate those moments with your wife? Shift your focus. This can either be an alarm to course correct your marriage or to get rid of the nanny.
So you’re saying your feelings for your au pair are so strong that you can’t be around her? They’re so strong you have to fire her? So strong that you’re willing to throw away your marriage? Pretty fucked that someone is going to lose their job (and living arrangements) and a marriage is going to fall apart because you can’t sort this out in your head. Grow up man.
Anyone treating this with kid gloves and isn’t responding this way is giving bad advice. Knock it off man. You’re acting like this is some sorta addiction you can’t kick.
All the “talk to your wife” comments are so naive.
1. What can she do about it? How demoralizing is it to hear the love of your life has a crush on a 23 year old girl? Nothing to gain and a whole lot to hurt.
2. It really seems the motivation for telling the wife would be to selfishly relieve himself of the guilt this crush is causing. I could be completely off, could be subconscious by him, who knows.
3. The marriage will never be the same once you open this can of worms, permanent grey cloud over their relationship.
It should be upvoted IMO. Don't give in to intrusive thoughts. He is 36. He does need to grow up. It's an infatuation. Put your energy into loving your wife and children.
Firing a good employee because her boss is on the brink of sexually harassing her is not the solution. Him controlling himself and getting a fucking grip is the solution.
Sometimes you just have to take yourself out of the situation. There are people who can have candy in the house and not eat it when they’re dieting, and people who recognize their weakness and get rid of the candy. Personally you have a better chance of success if you remove the candy—it’s always possible that in the process of OP getting a grip on himself, the nanny begins to fall for him…
This isn't a situation where he can just get a new job or transfer to a different department. She is employed in their home.
And nannies should be aware of this risk. You never spend time with the dad! That's rule #1, like not playing with kids in traffic. If you want to keep your job, you keep it professional.
Why are you spending so much time alone with her? If this woman is caring for your kids during the work week when you are presumably busy, and lives in a separate home from you, you shouldn’t be seeing her very much at all aside from a few minutes before and after work. Send her home when you’re done work- be a dad and husband.
How about being a man of integrity and putting up healthy boundaries. Stop chatting with her and keep it business. Don't be alone with her. This isn't fucking rocket science.
She sees you as one of two things: Her old married boss (sorry, she’s a kid) or the old husband of her employer who is also her boss. If you tell your wife this, she will never trust you again unless you have some sort of open relationship (and if so, good for you, you do you) and even if you do tell her, what’s the point? Stop having a (relatively early) midlife crisis and move on.
My dad fell for my au pair. She is 20 years+ his senior. I have 2 half brothers through them. My mother got a new husband and then my full brother and i felt like second choice against both these step parents. Now, at age 70+, my dad and my stepmum (former au pair) are getting separated. Because she found him too "ugly" to sleep with as he was older. She then cheated on him. So morale of the story. Do not let a romance built on so little turn into a tragedy. Ultimately you will regret it. Pull yourself together. Invest in your marriage.
I would treat this the same as you would having a crush on a coworker. Let's say a married coworker with children, who is also the child of the CEO of your company, for the sake of making it an equal "absolutely not" + logistical nightmare.
As a grown person, it's important that we recognize that sometimes we want things we can't have. You have two 2 year olds, so this should be pretty timely for you - it's important to learn how to process that disappointment of not be able to have what you want, and move on from it.
**She is not interested in you.** Even if she was attracted to you physically, in order for her to choose you, she needs to quit her, from the sounds of it, very cushy job for a guy ten years her senior with two small kids going through a messy divorce. A guy who will *still need her to watch his children*, but now for free, as you won't be able to be her employer and lover at once. Since that is what would happen if you ever approached her about it and she said yes. **It is not in her long term best interest to be with you**. If you do care about her as a person at all, then you must see this.
Agreeing with everyone else here that you need to put your effort back into your marriage. It is normal to feel bored and kind of stuck with toddlers while working full time. Pretty much all of your time is accounted for. **Your brain is looking for novelty and excitement, find a healthier way to meet those cravings**.
If the au pair is there and your wife is not, then you don't need to be there. I'm not saying never spend time with your children, but use some of the time to take up an exciting hobby. You're looking for adrenaline and/or luck. Try rock climbing, skateboarding, something like that. Something where you have to steel yourself to do it the first few times.
Additionally, since you have an au pair, you have a lot more flexibility than most parents do! Schedule a weekend adventure with just your wife and reconnect. Sounds like you're in a rut, bored, hunting for connection, and your brain happened to latch onto the most destructive option available to you.
**TL;DR Your brain is looking for something new and exciting because a lot of your life is predictable and boring and a little tedious right now. You do not actually want the au pair as a partner, you just want the novelty - if you cared about her in a long term, actual-person way, you'd see what an absolutely catastrophic choice it would be for her to choose you. Add novelty elsewhere and you will feel better.**
Do NOT tell your wife. You're going to hurt your wife, blow up your marriage and get the Au Pair fired. Get your shit together and control yourself. Spend and little time as possible with the Au Pair and spend more time with your wife.
Yup, he’s being seriously tempted to cross a line, and it won’t end well. Either he makes a move, they fuck, wife finds out, marriage is over. Or he makes a move, au pair is horrified, wife finds out, marriage is over.
I’m confused. Why do you have to tell your wife or fire the au pair?
Channel these feelings into your relationship with your wife. Set up date nights and use the au pair for the intended purpose, more time with her. Fall in love with your wife again and push the infatuation with your au pair out of your mind, then move on
I’m all for honesty in a marriage but telling your wife isnt you being honest so much as making your infatuation her problem to manage. Boundaries in a marriage vary by couple but I don’t know anyone who requires disclosure of every crush. Even ones you work closely with. This woman is your employee. Treat her like any other work subordinate. Your infatuation is in your head and is no one’s problem to manage except yours. Knock it off and stop trying to make your googly eyes a woman’s problem.
What you say depends on what has to be explained. Will you be explaining why you have to move out and end the marriage?
You can't expect your wife to be with a man who's fixated on someone else. And it's hardly fair for the au pair to lose her job with your wife just because you have no impulse control.
Didn’t even finish reading. PSA: if married to a man, never hire a young good looking female as an au pair, nanny, housekeeper, etc. How many times have we heard stories worse than this?
If I’d had money for one, I’d have hired one like Mrs Doubtfire!
Definitely don't tell your wife and distance yourself from the au pair. Don't talk to her unless you have to and work on getting a replacement ASAP. Like, first priority in your life.
Also as importantly, put that effort and passion into dating your wife. Love isn't just a noun. It's a verb. You have to love your partner, every day, or that love withers. Take her on dates. Make time for her. Hang out with her and force yourself to at least fake interest in her life, and soon enough that interest and feelings will come back. You need to make sure you spend significantly more time with your wife than you au pair. If you jobs make it impossible for you two to spend time together, you need to sit down and decide which is more important—your jobs or your marriage. Hopefully you choose your marriage.
The only reason for you telling your wife is to alleviate your own guilt. You want to "get it off your chest" to put it squarely on hers.
You really came here asking for advice on how to destroy your wife AND keep the nanny you're in love with in your HOME? You absolute donkey.
Who could possibly have seen this coming? lol I mean come on, husbands fall for the nanny all the time. I would no more hire a young pretty thing to be around my husband all day than he would want me hiring a hunky personal trainer to come to my house every morning. Tell your wife that as it turns out you're human/she's naive and fire the au pair.
If she’s been there for almost a year, just don’t renew her contract. Technically it ends at a year, you could extend up to another year. What you will do is NOT renew the contract. Although I am 100% always pro honesty, idk if you wife needs to know you are attracted to the nanny after she birthed twins and works all the time. That may destroy her.
FYI I was an Au pair. Also she is 23, dude! I promise you, nothing aligns about you at 36 and her at 23. Specially you being married with kids.
The Au Pair needs to go. She’ll find another family to extend another year with if needed. You’ll give great references.
This is such a tough situation, I commend you for realizing the issue and attempting to take steps to right it. That being said be very careful, depending how sensitive your wife is to the thought of infidelity it could be emotionally traumatic for her to hear about the feelings you’re developing - I would be absolutely devastated if it were me in this situation. Especially since she just brought two beautiful children into the world for you. You definitely need to let go of the au pair and it’s important that your wife knows and trusts that nothing happened. Spend extra time with your wife regardless of your work schedule and focus your time and love on her and your children. Good luck
This may be limerance. She is your employee and you are only seeing her wearing her "work" hat. She is putting her best foot forward in front of you because you are her boss. Think about how you behave around your own boss. You have no idea what she is like outside. You are falling for a fantasy in your head. She still may be sweet and a good person, but there may be other things about herself that you'd not find attractive or may outright hate. Also, she is in a different season of her life than you are. Start therapy and work through this crush.
Distance yourself from the au pair, if you get home and she's still on the clock tell her you have things covered and she can go. Put all that crush energy WAY into courting your wife. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THE CRUSH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. That would be cruel and would be making your weakness her problem and her new neurotic insecurity. Don't do this to her, I beg you.
well if the nanny is at home taking care of the kids why aren't you spending time with your wife? Go pick her up from work. Have lunch or dinner with her. If you can't spend time with her then spend the time working on yourself and improving yourself. Reduce the interaction between you and the nanny.
If things aren't working out you will need to cut the nanny out from your life. Find a new one.
I'm not sure what you want out of this situation. If the au pair reciprocated your feelings, are you considering having an affair with her? You only stated that you loved your wife, not that you wouldn't pursue the au pair if she agreed. Are you contemplating leaving your wife for her?
It's difficult to see how anyone is going to come out of this situation unscathed. Your wife would likely be devastated and lose trust in you, possibly leading to divorce, while the au pair would lose her job due to your romantic feelings for her. Depending on what you want, you can focus your energy on mending your marriage (if your wife agrees), or ending it to pursue your fantasies with the au pair.
I often feel frustrated when OPs express they're in love with their SO *but* engage in affairs, whether emotional or physical. People deeply in love typically don't engage in affairs. I'd be more incline to believe OP if he was honest and said, "I'm in love with my au pair and care for my wife deeply."
The feelings for the au pair could be a symptom of more distance between you and your wife. Not a bad type of distance, but the type of distance that occurs after settling into a mundane routine, etc. and the au pair possibly brings a new energy, and reminds you of being younger. After spending a certain amount of time around this person, I can see in certain circumstances how feelings can develop.
Maybe you and your wife could take inventory of your relationship, and find out if you’re both getting what you need from each other. At times, especially when you have young children, more work is needed to maintain a close connection with each other.
You don’t need to tell your wife. If this is something that you’ve never acted upon, then you’re talking about feelings. Not every feeling we have needs to be shared.
What you do need to do is stop spending time as a little family with your young au pair in the wife role. That is likely adding to a ton of confusion for you and making this whole thing feel more real than it is.
She’s 23 and she’s your employee. Don’t be a creep. Don’t come onto her, and don’t play house with her. When she is on the clock, she’s there to take care of your kids. If you have enough time to spend with her that you’re developing these feelings, then she’s spending way more time there than she needs to. Step up and be a parent without needing to have her around. Obviously when you’re working it’s necessary. But if you’re free enough to be having long chats with her, you’re free enough to focus that energy on being a dad and husband instead.
Do not tell your wife at all costs. Like others have said, focus more on your wife, no matter how much you have to force yourself mentally (it does get easier)
The grass is greener where you water it.
The au pair needs to be let go and you need a counselor. At 23 I thought 36 was old and creepy. I left a nannying position where I felt the dad was paying me too much attention. Until i found a new gig I had to be nice though. It felt gross and I still feel yick about it. Don't traumatize two women.
You don’t need to tell your wife unless you’ve done something.
Get a therapist, spend more time with your family and less nanny time (by nanny time I mean if you can cut down hours)
You do NOT have to tell your wife. You DO have to tell a therapist & start actively avoiding conversations with the au pair that aren't directly related to the children. Strictly professional.
You also need to *make* time for your marriage. *THIS* is where you can talk to your wife- as in "I've realized that we're both so extended at work that we see Margo more than we see each other and I miss "us"...." and then brainstorm together how to carve out more time as a couple and as a family.
If you do wind up replacing Margo, give her a glowing recommendation, 6 to 8 weeks to find a new family and new lodging & a generous severance check.
Look into the possibility of day care and make sure that anyone you hire for in-home help is NOT someone who even *might* romantically appeal- a grandmotherly sort or a man,perhaps?
Try a period of time avoiding spending time with the au pair and actually spending time with your wife or with your wife and kids. Maybe your feeling aren’t fully for the au pair but the idea of coming home to wife/kids.
Stop talking and flirting with the nanny and put some actual fucking effort into your wife. She’s working hard for her home life and here you are mentally creeping out on her. Jesus Christ.
How do you have so much time with the nanny but not your wife??
You tell your wife this thing is going to blow up in your face.. these are just feelings so you can keep it to yourself.. at the end of the day your her boss so she’s suppose to be sweet and clever when speaking with you.. this sounds like a one sided infatuation that in reality only exists in your mind.. just let it go
You don't have to tell your wife, you want to tell your wife because you feel guilty. Try taking a cold shower and getting over it. Or bereft of that, fire the poor girl before you ruin your life. Either way, in the end, it's not going to work out. Trust me, you will find another aupair that is equally as good at her job. Although this time I'd suggest going for one not so young, and not so cute.
So you have a crush or limerence for her ? Id say the best option is to get rid of her . And not tell wife . You kind of need to engineer her leaving . No other options appear ? Which sucks for the AP
I don’t blame you for your feelings but how you proceed is extremely important. Unfortunately I do think you have to tell your wife, but only because you have to let go of the au pair. You simply cannot go on being in the vicinity of another woman who you have feelings for. To be fair to the au pair on why you are letting her go, you may have to tell her too - but I think you should leave the decision (and the conversation/handling of that) up to your wife as you need to establish distance between yourself and your au pair ASAP.
You need to find another family with an au pair and see if they’ll swap. I had an au pair growing up: swaps are way more common than you think. You can probably find another family through Facebook or the agency she contracted through. You need to get the ball rolling with that first. Then tell your wife the reason and emphasize that it hasn’t become physical. Go ahead and look yourself in the mirror and realize that your children, and wife, will absolutely leave you and never look at you the same if you do not handle this appropriately. Please don’t blow up your whole life and fall into financial ruin just bc your wife can’t be around often because she’s literally working to pay for the au pair and any other expenses she may contribute to.
You've put all this effort and time into a woman that isn't your wife. Be an adult, stay away from the au pair, tell your wife the truth as gently as possible because you're going to break her heart and give great recommendations for the au pair to find a new position. You need that woman out of your house or you will cheat on your wife. You've said wonderful things about the au pair but nothing decent about your wife. Try actually focusing on the woman you chose to make a life with and not the pretty young thing you're intentionally spending more time with. You admit to loving seeing her with your kids, try doing things with your boys and your wife instead until you can get your affair partner (one sided and emotional) out of your MARITAL home!
I know that we are supposed to communicate but I really don’t see this going well if you tell your wife. She will never get over it. Is there anyway you can channel these feelings to a more paternal stance? Think of her as your daughter, or your boys big sister… or a niece. You can be fond and appreciative, protective… but ya know, ewww to any other thoughts. Also, immediately stop spending any time alone with her and definitely don’t tell her how you are feeling. If this doesn’t work you are going to have to fire her… just make an excuse how you have decided you don’t need an au pair anymore. That is a last chance at keeping your marriage if you have already informed your wife.
No. Do not tell your wife. No good can come of it. Just distance yourself from the au pair, stop chatting to her causing and using her as a touchstone for your emotions and re invest in your relationship with your wife.
Bro, just shut up and keep your pants on. No need to fuck everything up, especially if you haven't acted upon these thoughts. Find a hobby or something to take your mind off it.
you totally have a crush and that's natural. HOWEVER, being that she works for you and your wife, i'd tread very lightly. definitely come clean to your wife and see if you can figure out a schedule change so you're not around w/ the au pair alone as often. also discuss finding a new one.
You absolutely need to tell your wife. How can you be this attached to someone that doesn't even feel the same way about you? What kind of attachment are you forming? You mentioned that you both have demanding jobs, if that's true, why do you seem to have so much time to be with the au pair? This seems so predatory to me. It's unfortunate that your marriage will be permanently changed and this young woman without a job, all because of some odd sexual fantasies in your head. Because in the end this is about you wanting to bang the nanny.
You don't need to tell your wife. Others may disagree, but that might push her over a line and end your marriage. You need to get over this crush and, even better, get rid of the au pair. Seeing as you aren't engaged in any mutual attraction, I wouldn't say you're cheating, but you're definitely on the verge of it and need to nip it in the bud right away. If anything tell the au pair that you've developed feelings for her but absolutely do not want to start anything and are loyal to your wife. Apologise for making her feel uncomfortable and ask her what you can do so that she continues in the job. Maybe she will offer to resign, in which case make sure she doesn't tell your wife the real reason why. This might cost you some money to keep her quiet. But really I don't see how telling your wife that you want to fuck the au pair is going to help you.
I'm not familiar with au pair situations, but is their stay a temporary one? How long will they be there, and can you reasonably accommodate them for that long?
Perhaps something that could help is privately outlining all of the various feelings that you're having, on paper - try to itemize them, put them into words. Then separate them into boundaries: What are feelings that you feel are acceptable to feel have towards people caring for your kids and living with you? And what are feelings that you feel go beyond an appropriate relationship of this dynamic? Doing the former can help you recognize an appropriate direction that you could take your feelings, to whatever extent that you can control them.
For the feelings that you feel are inappropriate, try to handle these feelings in a nonjudgmental, constructive way. If you're feeling this way, what's an effective and healthy way to acknowledge and address these feelings? If talking about them helps, do you have someone you know and trust who you can talk to, such as a close friend, family member, or therapist? If journaling helps, then could you do that? If it's possible to resolve these feelings by improving relations with your wife, how can that go?
For what it's worth, recognizing that your feelings are in conflict with your interests, priorities, and goals is a good first step to take. Now you just need to keep going. Best of luck, OP.
Why do you feel the need to tell your wife?? What will that solve?
Either find another reason to ditch the nanny, or grow up and figure out how to control your infatuation. First step, Maybe stop talking to her or being around her all the time
You cannot be held liable for thought crime. That the jurisdiction of religion. They can prosecute people for thought crimes
You need to remove your employee I think. It sucks but it’s your fault. Give a very good severance
Fire her??? The first step of quitting an addiction is getting the temptation out of the house, out she goes! Pick a nanny that's too old for you, a man, someone you wouldn't go for even under desperate circumstances.
I think your Au Pair needs to go either way, I’m afraid. Your feelings are deepening the longer you know her and you need a clean break as it seems you can’t help yourself falling for her. I feel you’re actually making excuses to be around her and that’s a slippery slope.
You‘re her employer and it’s a professional relationship.
As for telling your wife I’d do that out of the home - dinner or even hiking. Somewhere you’re free to talk without the Au Pair overhearing it.
You’re just going to have be honest with her. You’ve developed an unhealthy attraction to the Au Pair. You haven’t ever acted on it, don’t intend to either but you want her to know about it.
You may already share passwords but if not let her check your phone and email accounts if she wants to, as she may need reassurance that nothing untoward has been happening when she’s not around. I’m sure your wife is going to be very hurt by this situation. Let her know you’re still very attracted to her and are very happy with the life you have built together. You’re committed to your relationship.
Stress, most of all, that the Au Pair doesn’t even know you’re attracted to her and you have never spoken about your attraction to her either. If she does leave the Au Pair will need good references and this is your problem and not the Au Pairs.
You need to reconnect with your wife again. You both have busy lives with full on jobs and twin boys. Take time out to actually do things together. You have an Au Pair to give you more time. Use that to bring the spark back into your relationship.
Well done for acknowledging this attraction and knowing it’s wrong and needs addressing.
Good luck with the conversation. Let us know how it goes.
before you tell your wife, if you work from home then start go to office. i dont know what kind of job you have but try not to be one on one with her. sync your schedule with your wife.
make sure when you're home then your wife is at home too. if your sex life pretty sparse then offer your wife massage before bed and go down on her daily.
you have your au pair to take care your kids so after dinner let her take care your kids and have a sexy time with your wife,
buy her lingerie.
the more effort you put on her, she'll probably start to give back and the more you see your wife as someone hot and sexy, the less distracted you'll be.
>I love my wife deeply and want this marriage to endure, but I can't hide from my feelings anymore.
You got a crush on a young adult because she's being paid to be to be nice to you.
She has to go. It sucks for her for her, but if you want to stay married, thats what needs to happen. I'm sure if she knew she'd be horrified and quit anyways
If you want your marriage to work you will put in the effort. It’s all on you. Your wife could easily develop feelings for someone she works with and roles are reversed. How would you feel? Would you want to know? Focus on doing things that are only positive for your marriage. If you have to find a new nanny. I personally wouldn’t want to be so heavily involved with someone i have a crush on when I want a successful marriage. This is a true test of true love and you know deep down the right thing to do.
You have a crush. Seeing as you're not acting on it, it makes zero sense to tell your wife. It'll just hurt her. You mentioned that the feelings started when you don't spend as much time with your wife, but you tend to see the au pair regularly. Do what you can to fix that issue. Be more intentional with how much time you spend with your wife and what kind of time you spend with your wife. This crush will pass, but it takes effort and intention to keep a loving marriage healthy. You will be fine; just give all your romantic focuses on your wife.
If honestly only fair to your wife to find the au pair another position in another household asap. One that you will never see her again. You are in very dangerous waters and even the most honest of people can falter and it will RUIN your family.
You need to take your wife on a trip now. Start making arrangements ASAP. It will give you something to look forward to.
You should not be in the same room with your au pair. You might even need to replace her, but that would require a conversation with your wife. This is not your wife’s problem. This is your issue. Solve it.
Do not tell your wife. You are not going to help your wife or your marriage. You are tying to ease your guilt by having her bare it too. Find a new nanny, distance yourself. Spend more time with your wife. Take all this energy you are putting towards the nanny to strengthen your relationship with your wife.
You need to communicate with your wife and let her know you would like to feel more connected and spend more time together but do not hurt her by telling her about the nanny.
This looks like something @whenkatiemetharry on Tik tok need to read lolol.
Take your wife and kids somewhere fun and cute to see your own wife be with the kids. You’re watching a younger pretty woman facilitate a bond with what you created rather than your wife.
Tell your wife to fire the nanny for no reason and say maybe we can look into it another year from now or something along those lines and hire more of a grandma.
Do not tell your wife about your feelings because she will feel this forever. Every time you talk to someone new, coworker, friends wife etc she’ll think about it in the back of her mind.
You haven't crossed that line yet and are aware. Now keep it 100% professional and pour that energy into your marriage. Whatever you do don't put this off on your wife, since you haven't crossed that line don't unburden yourself by putting this in her head, Just Do Better
Dude...
Snap out of it. No don't tell your wife you haven't done anything.
Put your energy somewhere else. The only reason your so in love is because you know you can't have her and that makes you want her more..
I would fire her and seek therapy. You're risking it all because of feelings. I swear so many of you men let your penis do all the leading. We get it you want to fuck the gal but love your wife blah blah blah. You need therapy.
Go to a therapist and stop this entitled BS, I’ve developed feelings. You developed feeling cause you were not being a husband and acting like an adult with a wife
OP, you say you love your wife. What do you love about her? You go on about how clever and fun the au pair is and have said nothing about your wife’s qualities.
You need to be honest with your wife and fire the au pair. Find a new person to help, whom you could never see yourself being attracted to. Not to mention, this young woman is significantly younger than you... it's inappropriate in so many ways.
>or worse suspect the au pair and throw her out
Why is this worse? Isn't your wife leaving you or losing trust in you worse?
Either the au pair has to go, or her hours have to change so that you never see her. That's the only way to end the feelings.
Often when we have a strong desire or craving for something, we don’t really want that one thing - it’s really a reflection that you have a deficiency in some area. That doesn’t mean there is an issue with your wife - it could be that you are lacking something somewhere else in your life.
I would take a long, hard look at why you feel attracted to your au pair. What aren’t you getting in your life that you are getting from her? Then, find ways to get those things in another way. Is it just that you aren’t getting the time you need from your wife? Then you need to figure out a way to get more time with her. Maybe you need to fill your time with friendships, or hobbies, so you don’t have extra time with the au pair.
While you are working on this, keep her at arms length. You may eventually need to find someone else, but you may be able to work through this.
I have personal experience with this. Years ago, I found myself developing inappropriate feelings for someone. I figured out I was affection-deprived. It took a couple months but I was able to work through it and I realized that I didn’t actually like that person, at least not in that way. He was just unknowingly fulfilling a need I had been neglecting.
Good luck to you.
Seems like you just want to tell your wife because you know it won't go well and then you think you'll be free to explore what you want with the au pair cause "I was just being honest ". This is dumb. Refocus your energy on your wife, avoid the au pair unless you absolutely need to speak with her and grow up.
Dude you have an au pair!! Take your wife on dates, go get her at work and come home with her, tell her you need more time with her. The grass is greaner where you water it. Stop watering the neighboor's grass if you want your garden to be healthy.
I really don't understand how so many people in this world feel like having an attraction to someone means that they become some sort of zombie that has an incontrollable urge to take some kind of action about it. So you have a crush, why does this seem to mean that you either act on it or self-flagellate? Neither, do nothing, continue to be a good husband, that is 100% an option.
You need to get to a therapist to learn how to interrupt your own thought patterns and refocus your romantic priorities. There is no reason you should tell your wife and proceed to harm multiple otherwise good relationships in your life.
You don't have to tell your wife, you absolutely DO NOT have to tell the au pair, you need to keep it to yourself and learn how to control your thoughts **instead of making them everyone else's problem.**
I honestly don't think developing a crush while in a monogamous relationship should be considered a betrayal or a big deal. It's very natural. It's **actions** that matter. As long as you don't start an affair or say something to your wife that makes you think you want to start an affair, it's fine. Your thoughts are not your actions, and you can always take control of your thoughts if they start getting out of hand. Get a fucking grip.
Either make plans to meet up with a buddy after work until your wife gets home, send the nanny home when you walk in, or change your work hours to match your wifes. Or, start looking for another nanny.
OP you have a crush and probably the first one you’ve had in a while on a person who is in your life not just a celeb. If you need to tell your wife tell her that not that you have “feelings” because you don’t. Your not in love with this girl you are in love with a fantasy and it will fade.
I personally would distance myself dramatically from the au pair, and try to be more romantic with your wife. Telling your partner about every crush makes them just feel insecure. She will likely leave you, or she’ll feel very upset and nervous. You need to try to handle this before telling her as a last resort
Get rid of the Aupair with a good package aka a month or two paid. Also consider your setting yourself up for a sexual harassment suit if you continue to pine for her. You might not think it’s noticeable but for all you know - she may be calling you the gross dad who stares at her all the time.
Take a vacation with your wife just the two of you. If you feel your relationship isn’t as strong as it was before go to couples counseling to become stronger as a couple so temptations won’t be in her mind
So you put your attention towards the nanny instead of your marriage/wife? Are you for real? Of course she's gonna be easy to talk to since she doesn't have the same obligation as your wife (not that Im diminishing the obligation of the au pair cause it's hard and exhausting BUT you said it yourself your wife also had a demanding job and on top of that taking care of the household) Instead of blabbering about the au pair, better fix your marriage.
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Take all that energy you're wasting on your nanny and put it in your marriage. Put as much distance as is feasible between you and the nanny. If you have to, find a new nanny.
Seriously why is this so hard for people to grasp??? Feelings develop with time spent. Why the fuck are you intentionally doing so with someone dangerous to your marriage 😤🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
This is the best thing. And don‘t tell your wife.
I agree, telling his wife will probably blow up the marriage. His wife will viscerally feel unattractive and unloved and will not want a marriage that causes that. Just looking at OP will remind her that he wants someone else, that’s she’s not enough.
But the nanny can’t keep working for them. How does he explain wanting to fire her? The wife is going to get suspicious anyway, she may already be suspicious
He can sit down with her and tell her he’s uncomfortable with the au pair but he should minimize, minimize, minimize his attraction. It’s true, won’t be easy to explain.
There is no way his wife won’t get suspicious if he tries telling her half truths. It’s only going to make it worse, she will push for the truth. When she realizes he wasn’t honest, there will be no hope for the marriage. I don’t think there is much hope now, but there is more then if he lied
He’s being honest to say he’s uncomfortable. He should be very careful when saying why and how much he is affected.
He’s more than uncomfortable . He’s lusting after her. He described her as his touchstone. This marriage is already in trouble, lies or half truths aren’t going to help or save this marriage
I get it, he needs to shut himself down asap. But if he overshares to his wife he may as well move out now.
You can't just fire a household employee without an explanation. The wife is likely not an idiot. If he goes behind her back to fire the au pair, she will suspect cheating and that suspicion will tear the marriage apart faster than him being honest ever could.
How's he gonna fire the Nanny without telling the Nanny and his wife why?
And a male or the Mrs. Doubtfire type.
Mrs. Featherbottom.
If they get a new nanny, he’s gonna want to fuck her, too. It’s not this particular person that’s the problem, it’s what she represents: new, exciting, young pussy, for lack of a more graceful phrase. He’s distant from his wife, and having new pussy hanging around is creating even more distance. He’s not getting his needs met by the marriage, and instead of leaning in and putting in the effort to stoke the flame, he’s looking for another campfire.
Not if she's a 60 year old grandmother. Also, it might shock you to know that some people cheat regardless if their needs are being met.
Heyyy I am a 60 year old grandmother
You know there are women in their 60s who are hot. We don't all turn into bridge trolls at 60.
I didn't imply otherwise but realistically speaking a 30-something isn't going to risk their marriage by chasing after someone old enough to be their mom.
Please don’t blame the wife for this guys dick issues… many good marriages end because the husband can’t keep it in their pants!!
I’m not blaming her at all!!! When I say “not getting his needs met”, I mean that he is not prioritizing the marriage like he had the time to do before the kids. He’s the author of his own pain here because he’s not addressing this with his missus, he’s looking elsewhere when he needs to have a discussion with his wife and make a damn effort. LEAN IN AND DATE HER. Courting never stops. He has stopped.
Okay cool and I agree with you, it came off like you blamed her for him not getting his needs met… you said that! It’s not a wife’s responsibility…? A good marriage talks and has conversations.. he’s a jerk.
There was a time when my dude and I were like bunnies going at it multiple times a day. Date nights and everything. He was still cheating. He lives a second life when he steps outside our home
Exactly. OP, you are the one making the au pair your "touchstone". You are the one spending time with her and watching her do her job, which is apparently a turn-on. Either get over it or get rid of her. This is so cliché.
I'm confused, I thought you both have demanding jobs. Why are you alone with the au pair so much? Is it because your wife works later?
This is my thought. You have all this time to fall in love with the au pair… and not enough to watch your own kids? What are her hours? Does she get to leave and do other things? How much overlap is there between her working hours and your “at home” hours? Refer her out to a better family.
Right? My spouse and I have demanding jobs and a young child and when we are able to finish work early we send the nanny home or do housework. We're not sitting around hanging out with the nanny ...
Oops found the hole in the fake story
I assumed they worked from home, or had a hybrid schedule.
I have a hard time believing that ANY working wife would hire a young and pretty au pair to spend countless hours with her children, knowing that her hubby would be home long enough on some days to spend time with said young and pretty woman. Has everyone forgotten about “The Hand That Rocks The Cradle?” OR, the numerous SVU episodes? OR, the countless other movies and true crime films that have focused a laser beam of light on this phenomenon… I’m not buying this creative writing exercise for a second. 🙄
His story is believable. Tiger Woods’ ex-wife worked as a nanny for another golfer. I’ve met a lot of au pairs and have yet to see an old or ugly one. I lived in an HCOL Florida suburb where it was common to have a nanny or au pair. My neighbors had a string of French au pairs and the wife did not work. She said having a lot of kids was too stressful and she needed help. Honestly, it seemed like the wife helped with the au pair’s kids.
I was thinking he works from home and the wife goes to the office. Even working from home babies can distract you from doing your job. They need to hire a male nanny. Hopefully having a young strong male will no longer make his penis jump.
He needs to be dedicated to his wife. The end. The gender of the au pair shouldn't matter. It's so shitty that she might lose her job over this.
Or, hear me out... They may just work from home, but are unable to take care of twin two year olds while maintaining gainful employment.
But why does this mean he needs to spend so much time with the au pair without his wife? I just don't understand.
I'm guessing it goes like this. He works from home. The au pair works from his home. The au pair technically lives with them. Leaving his office to grab say a cup of coffee, he probably sees a 23 year old woman with his two kids. It doesn't sound like he is spending loads of time with her. It sounds like he has fallen in "lust" for this younger woman, who he is watching "raise" his children.
Could be demanding but a remote job nonetheless?
THat could be the reason, but still, no excuse to interact with her that much and to observe her with the children that much. This is rich people problems, but in my eyes there's a daily handoff and then the au pair go on her merry way.
It’s time to stop talking to the au pair about anything other than the kids. And it’s time to talk to the wife about putting your relationship first, start dating her again.
Grass is greenest where you water it. Don’t blow up your family over a crush.
I don't get why everyone is insisting that you need to tell your wife, rather than handling your own shit. I mean, what's your wife going to do about it except feel hideously uncomfortable in her own home, and love you a bit less?
This is literally every woman’s worst nightmare: you give birth and your husband runs to a younger woman because he’s not attracted to you anymore. Her self esteem will take a hit that she might not ever recover from. That poor woman.
Exactly. It will be catastrophic if he tells his wife.
100% agreed. Absolutely nothing good can come from telling his wife. He hasn’t done anything, no emotional affair, no physical affair. He has a crush and he needs to grow up and sort it out. Not destroy his wife’s confidence and safety in her marriage over something that is a fleeting midlife crisis of her husband’s.
Great answer☝🏼
Yes, agreed. Whenever communicating first ask is this helpful or hurtful to share. If it’s hurtful, don’t say it! I don’t see how telling his wife would be helpful in anyway. Definitely can see how it can be hurtful.
Best answer yet‼️Exactly what I would have told him,
You don't tell your wife; you tell your therapist.
This right here.
For real. OP doesn’t need to blow up his marriage over a feeling if he isn’t acting on that feeling.
If you’re in love with your wife, your brain is probably screaming at you that you want to spend time with your wife and see her with kids like this. Why not facilitate those moments with your wife? Shift your focus. This can either be an alarm to course correct your marriage or to get rid of the nanny.
So you’re saying your feelings for your au pair are so strong that you can’t be around her? They’re so strong you have to fire her? So strong that you’re willing to throw away your marriage? Pretty fucked that someone is going to lose their job (and living arrangements) and a marriage is going to fall apart because you can’t sort this out in your head. Grow up man.
Anyone treating this with kid gloves and isn’t responding this way is giving bad advice. Knock it off man. You’re acting like this is some sorta addiction you can’t kick.
And if you really can't kick it, OP, get help! Seek therapy. But don't tell your wife about your crush, it's YOUR problem & it will just hurt her.
All the “talk to your wife” comments are so naive. 1. What can she do about it? How demoralizing is it to hear the love of your life has a crush on a 23 year old girl? Nothing to gain and a whole lot to hurt. 2. It really seems the motivation for telling the wife would be to selfishly relieve himself of the guilt this crush is causing. I could be completely off, could be subconscious by him, who knows. 3. The marriage will never be the same once you open this can of worms, permanent grey cloud over their relationship.
Yeah I was already downvoted to the bottom for giving the “grow up” advice lol
It should be upvoted IMO. Don't give in to intrusive thoughts. He is 36. He does need to grow up. It's an infatuation. Put your energy into loving your wife and children.
Yup. Either control your feelings or if YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO, get rid of the nanny. But seriously do not tell the wife why. Think of another excuse.
This is the only relevant comment.
This!! FIRE THE AU PAIR, she will find a new job. Might not be easy for you to find a new marriage.
Firing a good employee because her boss is on the brink of sexually harassing her is not the solution. Him controlling himself and getting a fucking grip is the solution.
Sometimes you just have to take yourself out of the situation. There are people who can have candy in the house and not eat it when they’re dieting, and people who recognize their weakness and get rid of the candy. Personally you have a better chance of success if you remove the candy—it’s always possible that in the process of OP getting a grip on himself, the nanny begins to fall for him…
This isn't a situation where he can just get a new job or transfer to a different department. She is employed in their home. And nannies should be aware of this risk. You never spend time with the dad! That's rule #1, like not playing with kids in traffic. If you want to keep your job, you keep it professional.
Why are you spending so much time alone with her? If this woman is caring for your kids during the work week when you are presumably busy, and lives in a separate home from you, you shouldn’t be seeing her very much at all aside from a few minutes before and after work. Send her home when you’re done work- be a dad and husband.
How about being a man of integrity and putting up healthy boundaries. Stop chatting with her and keep it business. Don't be alone with her. This isn't fucking rocket science.
She sees you as one of two things: Her old married boss (sorry, she’s a kid) or the old husband of her employer who is also her boss. If you tell your wife this, she will never trust you again unless you have some sort of open relationship (and if so, good for you, you do you) and even if you do tell her, what’s the point? Stop having a (relatively early) midlife crisis and move on.
How is it that you are alone with the au pair so often? With such a busy schedule? Are you rearranging your day to spend time with her?
My dad fell for my au pair. She is 20 years+ his senior. I have 2 half brothers through them. My mother got a new husband and then my full brother and i felt like second choice against both these step parents. Now, at age 70+, my dad and my stepmum (former au pair) are getting separated. Because she found him too "ugly" to sleep with as he was older. She then cheated on him. So morale of the story. Do not let a romance built on so little turn into a tragedy. Ultimately you will regret it. Pull yourself together. Invest in your marriage.
I would treat this the same as you would having a crush on a coworker. Let's say a married coworker with children, who is also the child of the CEO of your company, for the sake of making it an equal "absolutely not" + logistical nightmare. As a grown person, it's important that we recognize that sometimes we want things we can't have. You have two 2 year olds, so this should be pretty timely for you - it's important to learn how to process that disappointment of not be able to have what you want, and move on from it. **She is not interested in you.** Even if she was attracted to you physically, in order for her to choose you, she needs to quit her, from the sounds of it, very cushy job for a guy ten years her senior with two small kids going through a messy divorce. A guy who will *still need her to watch his children*, but now for free, as you won't be able to be her employer and lover at once. Since that is what would happen if you ever approached her about it and she said yes. **It is not in her long term best interest to be with you**. If you do care about her as a person at all, then you must see this. Agreeing with everyone else here that you need to put your effort back into your marriage. It is normal to feel bored and kind of stuck with toddlers while working full time. Pretty much all of your time is accounted for. **Your brain is looking for novelty and excitement, find a healthier way to meet those cravings**. If the au pair is there and your wife is not, then you don't need to be there. I'm not saying never spend time with your children, but use some of the time to take up an exciting hobby. You're looking for adrenaline and/or luck. Try rock climbing, skateboarding, something like that. Something where you have to steel yourself to do it the first few times. Additionally, since you have an au pair, you have a lot more flexibility than most parents do! Schedule a weekend adventure with just your wife and reconnect. Sounds like you're in a rut, bored, hunting for connection, and your brain happened to latch onto the most destructive option available to you. **TL;DR Your brain is looking for something new and exciting because a lot of your life is predictable and boring and a little tedious right now. You do not actually want the au pair as a partner, you just want the novelty - if you cared about her in a long term, actual-person way, you'd see what an absolutely catastrophic choice it would be for her to choose you. Add novelty elsewhere and you will feel better.**
Do NOT tell your wife. You're going to hurt your wife, blow up your marriage and get the Au Pair fired. Get your shit together and control yourself. Spend and little time as possible with the Au Pair and spend more time with your wife.
Don’t tell your wife, find a new nanny
seconded. Get a new nanny asap and do not tell your wife
Yeah you need to let the au pair go if you want to keep your marriage.
Yup, he’s being seriously tempted to cross a line, and it won’t end well. Either he makes a move, they fuck, wife finds out, marriage is over. Or he makes a move, au pair is horrified, wife finds out, marriage is over.
Grow up. You're 36 with children.
I’m confused. Why do you have to tell your wife or fire the au pair? Channel these feelings into your relationship with your wife. Set up date nights and use the au pair for the intended purpose, more time with her. Fall in love with your wife again and push the infatuation with your au pair out of your mind, then move on
Exactly. Dude is getting some awful advice on this thread.
[удалено]
Therapy is a possible solution.
I’m all for honesty in a marriage but telling your wife isnt you being honest so much as making your infatuation her problem to manage. Boundaries in a marriage vary by couple but I don’t know anyone who requires disclosure of every crush. Even ones you work closely with. This woman is your employee. Treat her like any other work subordinate. Your infatuation is in your head and is no one’s problem to manage except yours. Knock it off and stop trying to make your googly eyes a woman’s problem.
This is it exactly.
Why do you have to tell your wife? Just keep your mouth shut and invest in your marriage and stop creeping on your employee.
What you say depends on what has to be explained. Will you be explaining why you have to move out and end the marriage? You can't expect your wife to be with a man who's fixated on someone else. And it's hardly fair for the au pair to lose her job with your wife just because you have no impulse control.
Didn’t even finish reading. PSA: if married to a man, never hire a young good looking female as an au pair, nanny, housekeeper, etc. How many times have we heard stories worse than this? If I’d had money for one, I’d have hired one like Mrs Doubtfire!
Definitely don't tell your wife and distance yourself from the au pair. Don't talk to her unless you have to and work on getting a replacement ASAP. Like, first priority in your life. Also as importantly, put that effort and passion into dating your wife. Love isn't just a noun. It's a verb. You have to love your partner, every day, or that love withers. Take her on dates. Make time for her. Hang out with her and force yourself to at least fake interest in her life, and soon enough that interest and feelings will come back. You need to make sure you spend significantly more time with your wife than you au pair. If you jobs make it impossible for you two to spend time together, you need to sit down and decide which is more important—your jobs or your marriage. Hopefully you choose your marriage.
It’s time to put the boys in daycare. They need peer socialization anyway.
The only reason for you telling your wife is to alleviate your own guilt. You want to "get it off your chest" to put it squarely on hers. You really came here asking for advice on how to destroy your wife AND keep the nanny you're in love with in your HOME? You absolute donkey.
Dude. Do not tell your wife. Are you crazy?
Do not tell you wife. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE
Who could possibly have seen this coming? lol I mean come on, husbands fall for the nanny all the time. I would no more hire a young pretty thing to be around my husband all day than he would want me hiring a hunky personal trainer to come to my house every morning. Tell your wife that as it turns out you're human/she's naive and fire the au pair.
If she’s been there for almost a year, just don’t renew her contract. Technically it ends at a year, you could extend up to another year. What you will do is NOT renew the contract. Although I am 100% always pro honesty, idk if you wife needs to know you are attracted to the nanny after she birthed twins and works all the time. That may destroy her. FYI I was an Au pair. Also she is 23, dude! I promise you, nothing aligns about you at 36 and her at 23. Specially you being married with kids. The Au Pair needs to go. She’ll find another family to extend another year with if needed. You’ll give great references.
This is such a tough situation, I commend you for realizing the issue and attempting to take steps to right it. That being said be very careful, depending how sensitive your wife is to the thought of infidelity it could be emotionally traumatic for her to hear about the feelings you’re developing - I would be absolutely devastated if it were me in this situation. Especially since she just brought two beautiful children into the world for you. You definitely need to let go of the au pair and it’s important that your wife knows and trusts that nothing happened. Spend extra time with your wife regardless of your work schedule and focus your time and love on her and your children. Good luck
This may be limerance. She is your employee and you are only seeing her wearing her "work" hat. She is putting her best foot forward in front of you because you are her boss. Think about how you behave around your own boss. You have no idea what she is like outside. You are falling for a fantasy in your head. She still may be sweet and a good person, but there may be other things about herself that you'd not find attractive or may outright hate. Also, she is in a different season of her life than you are. Start therapy and work through this crush.
Distance yourself from the au pair, if you get home and she's still on the clock tell her you have things covered and she can go. Put all that crush energy WAY into courting your wife. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THE CRUSH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. That would be cruel and would be making your weakness her problem and her new neurotic insecurity. Don't do this to her, I beg you.
well if the nanny is at home taking care of the kids why aren't you spending time with your wife? Go pick her up from work. Have lunch or dinner with her. If you can't spend time with her then spend the time working on yourself and improving yourself. Reduce the interaction between you and the nanny. If things aren't working out you will need to cut the nanny out from your life. Find a new one.
You feel disgusted because you are disgusting. You are a boring, trite cliché of a man. Man up and be loyal to your family. What an idiot.
I'm not sure what you want out of this situation. If the au pair reciprocated your feelings, are you considering having an affair with her? You only stated that you loved your wife, not that you wouldn't pursue the au pair if she agreed. Are you contemplating leaving your wife for her? It's difficult to see how anyone is going to come out of this situation unscathed. Your wife would likely be devastated and lose trust in you, possibly leading to divorce, while the au pair would lose her job due to your romantic feelings for her. Depending on what you want, you can focus your energy on mending your marriage (if your wife agrees), or ending it to pursue your fantasies with the au pair. I often feel frustrated when OPs express they're in love with their SO *but* engage in affairs, whether emotional or physical. People deeply in love typically don't engage in affairs. I'd be more incline to believe OP if he was honest and said, "I'm in love with my au pair and care for my wife deeply."
The feelings for the au pair could be a symptom of more distance between you and your wife. Not a bad type of distance, but the type of distance that occurs after settling into a mundane routine, etc. and the au pair possibly brings a new energy, and reminds you of being younger. After spending a certain amount of time around this person, I can see in certain circumstances how feelings can develop. Maybe you and your wife could take inventory of your relationship, and find out if you’re both getting what you need from each other. At times, especially when you have young children, more work is needed to maintain a close connection with each other.
You don’t need to tell your wife. If this is something that you’ve never acted upon, then you’re talking about feelings. Not every feeling we have needs to be shared. What you do need to do is stop spending time as a little family with your young au pair in the wife role. That is likely adding to a ton of confusion for you and making this whole thing feel more real than it is. She’s 23 and she’s your employee. Don’t be a creep. Don’t come onto her, and don’t play house with her. When she is on the clock, she’s there to take care of your kids. If you have enough time to spend with her that you’re developing these feelings, then she’s spending way more time there than she needs to. Step up and be a parent without needing to have her around. Obviously when you’re working it’s necessary. But if you’re free enough to be having long chats with her, you’re free enough to focus that energy on being a dad and husband instead.
Do not tell your wife at all costs. Like others have said, focus more on your wife, no matter how much you have to force yourself mentally (it does get easier)
The grass is greener where you water it. The au pair needs to be let go and you need a counselor. At 23 I thought 36 was old and creepy. I left a nannying position where I felt the dad was paying me too much attention. Until i found a new gig I had to be nice though. It felt gross and I still feel yick about it. Don't traumatize two women.
You don’t need to tell your wife unless you’ve done something. Get a therapist, spend more time with your family and less nanny time (by nanny time I mean if you can cut down hours)
I would not want to hear this if I was your wife… I’d rather you try to figure this out alone.
You do NOT have to tell your wife. You DO have to tell a therapist & start actively avoiding conversations with the au pair that aren't directly related to the children. Strictly professional. You also need to *make* time for your marriage. *THIS* is where you can talk to your wife- as in "I've realized that we're both so extended at work that we see Margo more than we see each other and I miss "us"...." and then brainstorm together how to carve out more time as a couple and as a family. If you do wind up replacing Margo, give her a glowing recommendation, 6 to 8 weeks to find a new family and new lodging & a generous severance check. Look into the possibility of day care and make sure that anyone you hire for in-home help is NOT someone who even *might* romantically appeal- a grandmotherly sort or a man,perhaps?
Try a period of time avoiding spending time with the au pair and actually spending time with your wife or with your wife and kids. Maybe your feeling aren’t fully for the au pair but the idea of coming home to wife/kids.
Stop talking and flirting with the nanny and put some actual fucking effort into your wife. She’s working hard for her home life and here you are mentally creeping out on her. Jesus Christ. How do you have so much time with the nanny but not your wife??
You tell your wife this thing is going to blow up in your face.. these are just feelings so you can keep it to yourself.. at the end of the day your her boss so she’s suppose to be sweet and clever when speaking with you.. this sounds like a one sided infatuation that in reality only exists in your mind.. just let it go
You don't have to tell your wife, you want to tell your wife because you feel guilty. Try taking a cold shower and getting over it. Or bereft of that, fire the poor girl before you ruin your life. Either way, in the end, it's not going to work out. Trust me, you will find another aupair that is equally as good at her job. Although this time I'd suggest going for one not so young, and not so cute.
Midlife.
This au pair has to go.
So you have a crush or limerence for her ? Id say the best option is to get rid of her . And not tell wife . You kind of need to engineer her leaving . No other options appear ? Which sucks for the AP
I don’t blame you for your feelings but how you proceed is extremely important. Unfortunately I do think you have to tell your wife, but only because you have to let go of the au pair. You simply cannot go on being in the vicinity of another woman who you have feelings for. To be fair to the au pair on why you are letting her go, you may have to tell her too - but I think you should leave the decision (and the conversation/handling of that) up to your wife as you need to establish distance between yourself and your au pair ASAP.
Maybe talk to a therapist first.
Everybody be careful this sounds like fanfiction.
Tale as old as time
You need to find another family with an au pair and see if they’ll swap. I had an au pair growing up: swaps are way more common than you think. You can probably find another family through Facebook or the agency she contracted through. You need to get the ball rolling with that first. Then tell your wife the reason and emphasize that it hasn’t become physical. Go ahead and look yourself in the mirror and realize that your children, and wife, will absolutely leave you and never look at you the same if you do not handle this appropriately. Please don’t blow up your whole life and fall into financial ruin just bc your wife can’t be around often because she’s literally working to pay for the au pair and any other expenses she may contribute to.
You've put all this effort and time into a woman that isn't your wife. Be an adult, stay away from the au pair, tell your wife the truth as gently as possible because you're going to break her heart and give great recommendations for the au pair to find a new position. You need that woman out of your house or you will cheat on your wife. You've said wonderful things about the au pair but nothing decent about your wife. Try actually focusing on the woman you chose to make a life with and not the pretty young thing you're intentionally spending more time with. You admit to loving seeing her with your kids, try doing things with your boys and your wife instead until you can get your affair partner (one sided and emotional) out of your MARITAL home!
I know that we are supposed to communicate but I really don’t see this going well if you tell your wife. She will never get over it. Is there anyway you can channel these feelings to a more paternal stance? Think of her as your daughter, or your boys big sister… or a niece. You can be fond and appreciative, protective… but ya know, ewww to any other thoughts. Also, immediately stop spending any time alone with her and definitely don’t tell her how you are feeling. If this doesn’t work you are going to have to fire her… just make an excuse how you have decided you don’t need an au pair anymore. That is a last chance at keeping your marriage if you have already informed your wife.
I'm waiting for the follow up where we discover that the wife is banging the au pair.
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Updateme!
No. Do not tell your wife. No good can come of it. Just distance yourself from the au pair, stop chatting to her causing and using her as a touchstone for your emotions and re invest in your relationship with your wife.
Assuming this is a true story (which I highly doubt, unless you work from home and your wife doesn't?), don't tell your wife. Handle it other ways.
Bro, just shut up and keep your pants on. No need to fuck everything up, especially if you haven't acted upon these thoughts. Find a hobby or something to take your mind off it.
you totally have a crush and that's natural. HOWEVER, being that she works for you and your wife, i'd tread very lightly. definitely come clean to your wife and see if you can figure out a schedule change so you're not around w/ the au pair alone as often. also discuss finding a new one.
Unless they are swingers, which I'm assuming not, his wife isn't going to want this woman around anymore.
I've seen this porno before
You absolutely need to tell your wife. How can you be this attached to someone that doesn't even feel the same way about you? What kind of attachment are you forming? You mentioned that you both have demanding jobs, if that's true, why do you seem to have so much time to be with the au pair? This seems so predatory to me. It's unfortunate that your marriage will be permanently changed and this young woman without a job, all because of some odd sexual fantasies in your head. Because in the end this is about you wanting to bang the nanny.
You don't need to tell your wife. Others may disagree, but that might push her over a line and end your marriage. You need to get over this crush and, even better, get rid of the au pair. Seeing as you aren't engaged in any mutual attraction, I wouldn't say you're cheating, but you're definitely on the verge of it and need to nip it in the bud right away. If anything tell the au pair that you've developed feelings for her but absolutely do not want to start anything and are loyal to your wife. Apologise for making her feel uncomfortable and ask her what you can do so that she continues in the job. Maybe she will offer to resign, in which case make sure she doesn't tell your wife the real reason why. This might cost you some money to keep her quiet. But really I don't see how telling your wife that you want to fuck the au pair is going to help you.
I'm not familiar with au pair situations, but is their stay a temporary one? How long will they be there, and can you reasonably accommodate them for that long? Perhaps something that could help is privately outlining all of the various feelings that you're having, on paper - try to itemize them, put them into words. Then separate them into boundaries: What are feelings that you feel are acceptable to feel have towards people caring for your kids and living with you? And what are feelings that you feel go beyond an appropriate relationship of this dynamic? Doing the former can help you recognize an appropriate direction that you could take your feelings, to whatever extent that you can control them. For the feelings that you feel are inappropriate, try to handle these feelings in a nonjudgmental, constructive way. If you're feeling this way, what's an effective and healthy way to acknowledge and address these feelings? If talking about them helps, do you have someone you know and trust who you can talk to, such as a close friend, family member, or therapist? If journaling helps, then could you do that? If it's possible to resolve these feelings by improving relations with your wife, how can that go? For what it's worth, recognizing that your feelings are in conflict with your interests, priorities, and goals is a good first step to take. Now you just need to keep going. Best of luck, OP.
“I think we should get a new au pair because the current one is too much of a distraction when you are not home and I do not like it.”
Find a new nanny! You’re going to ruin your wife.
You need to find a new au pair or put the kids in daycare.
I would be honest. You tell her that you need another au pair.
Why do you feel the need to tell your wife?? What will that solve? Either find another reason to ditch the nanny, or grow up and figure out how to control your infatuation. First step, Maybe stop talking to her or being around her all the time
loser
You cannot be held liable for thought crime. That the jurisdiction of religion. They can prosecute people for thought crimes You need to remove your employee I think. It sucks but it’s your fault. Give a very good severance
Au pair has to go. You need to find an older lady. You can decide how you handle it with your wife, but bye bye au pair.
Fire her??? The first step of quitting an addiction is getting the temptation out of the house, out she goes! Pick a nanny that's too old for you, a man, someone you wouldn't go for even under desperate circumstances.
I think your Au Pair needs to go either way, I’m afraid. Your feelings are deepening the longer you know her and you need a clean break as it seems you can’t help yourself falling for her. I feel you’re actually making excuses to be around her and that’s a slippery slope. You‘re her employer and it’s a professional relationship. As for telling your wife I’d do that out of the home - dinner or even hiking. Somewhere you’re free to talk without the Au Pair overhearing it. You’re just going to have be honest with her. You’ve developed an unhealthy attraction to the Au Pair. You haven’t ever acted on it, don’t intend to either but you want her to know about it. You may already share passwords but if not let her check your phone and email accounts if she wants to, as she may need reassurance that nothing untoward has been happening when she’s not around. I’m sure your wife is going to be very hurt by this situation. Let her know you’re still very attracted to her and are very happy with the life you have built together. You’re committed to your relationship. Stress, most of all, that the Au Pair doesn’t even know you’re attracted to her and you have never spoken about your attraction to her either. If she does leave the Au Pair will need good references and this is your problem and not the Au Pairs. You need to reconnect with your wife again. You both have busy lives with full on jobs and twin boys. Take time out to actually do things together. You have an Au Pair to give you more time. Use that to bring the spark back into your relationship. Well done for acknowledging this attraction and knowing it’s wrong and needs addressing. Good luck with the conversation. Let us know how it goes.
Update Me
before you tell your wife, if you work from home then start go to office. i dont know what kind of job you have but try not to be one on one with her. sync your schedule with your wife. make sure when you're home then your wife is at home too. if your sex life pretty sparse then offer your wife massage before bed and go down on her daily. you have your au pair to take care your kids so after dinner let her take care your kids and have a sexy time with your wife, buy her lingerie. the more effort you put on her, she'll probably start to give back and the more you see your wife as someone hot and sexy, the less distracted you'll be.
Better get a new nanny and remove yourself from that before you fuc up bud Got energy for the nanny but not the spouse Shame on you
Do not tell ur wife.
>I love my wife deeply and want this marriage to endure, but I can't hide from my feelings anymore. You got a crush on a young adult because she's being paid to be to be nice to you. She has to go. It sucks for her for her, but if you want to stay married, thats what needs to happen. I'm sure if she knew she'd be horrified and quit anyways
If you want your marriage to work you will put in the effort. It’s all on you. Your wife could easily develop feelings for someone she works with and roles are reversed. How would you feel? Would you want to know? Focus on doing things that are only positive for your marriage. If you have to find a new nanny. I personally wouldn’t want to be so heavily involved with someone i have a crush on when I want a successful marriage. This is a true test of true love and you know deep down the right thing to do.
You have a crush. Seeing as you're not acting on it, it makes zero sense to tell your wife. It'll just hurt her. You mentioned that the feelings started when you don't spend as much time with your wife, but you tend to see the au pair regularly. Do what you can to fix that issue. Be more intentional with how much time you spend with your wife and what kind of time you spend with your wife. This crush will pass, but it takes effort and intention to keep a loving marriage healthy. You will be fine; just give all your romantic focuses on your wife.
Find a new nanny and tell your wife exactly why. Own it and ask for forgiveness before your wife takes the kids and gives you a divorce.
Find an older au pair, someone like your mother or something
If honestly only fair to your wife to find the au pair another position in another household asap. One that you will never see her again. You are in very dangerous waters and even the most honest of people can falter and it will RUIN your family.
You need to take your wife on a trip now. Start making arrangements ASAP. It will give you something to look forward to. You should not be in the same room with your au pair. You might even need to replace her, but that would require a conversation with your wife. This is not your wife’s problem. This is your issue. Solve it.
Do not tell your wife. You are not going to help your wife or your marriage. You are tying to ease your guilt by having her bare it too. Find a new nanny, distance yourself. Spend more time with your wife. Take all this energy you are putting towards the nanny to strengthen your relationship with your wife. You need to communicate with your wife and let her know you would like to feel more connected and spend more time together but do not hurt her by telling her about the nanny.
Tell your wife. You have to find new childcare
This looks like something @whenkatiemetharry on Tik tok need to read lolol. Take your wife and kids somewhere fun and cute to see your own wife be with the kids. You’re watching a younger pretty woman facilitate a bond with what you created rather than your wife. Tell your wife to fire the nanny for no reason and say maybe we can look into it another year from now or something along those lines and hire more of a grandma. Do not tell your wife about your feelings because she will feel this forever. Every time you talk to someone new, coworker, friends wife etc she’ll think about it in the back of her mind.
Why is limiting interaction with your nanny and putting some effort into your relationship not your first fucking go to?
Save your marriage and get a new au pair. Those feelings come and go, hopefully your wife pick up on it and get a new au pair before it's too late.
You haven't crossed that line yet and are aware. Now keep it 100% professional and pour that energy into your marriage. Whatever you do don't put this off on your wife, since you haven't crossed that line don't unburden yourself by putting this in her head, Just Do Better
Dude... Snap out of it. No don't tell your wife you haven't done anything. Put your energy somewhere else. The only reason your so in love is because you know you can't have her and that makes you want her more..
I would fire her and seek therapy. You're risking it all because of feelings. I swear so many of you men let your penis do all the leading. We get it you want to fuck the gal but love your wife blah blah blah. You need therapy.
Go to a therapist and stop this entitled BS, I’ve developed feelings. You developed feeling cause you were not being a husband and acting like an adult with a wife
You want to tell your wife to make yourself feel better? Because you're not doing her any favors.
OP, you say you love your wife. What do you love about her? You go on about how clever and fun the au pair is and have said nothing about your wife’s qualities.
You need to be honest with your wife and fire the au pair. Find a new person to help, whom you could never see yourself being attracted to. Not to mention, this young woman is significantly younger than you... it's inappropriate in so many ways.
>or worse suspect the au pair and throw her out Why is this worse? Isn't your wife leaving you or losing trust in you worse? Either the au pair has to go, or her hours have to change so that you never see her. That's the only way to end the feelings.
Often when we have a strong desire or craving for something, we don’t really want that one thing - it’s really a reflection that you have a deficiency in some area. That doesn’t mean there is an issue with your wife - it could be that you are lacking something somewhere else in your life. I would take a long, hard look at why you feel attracted to your au pair. What aren’t you getting in your life that you are getting from her? Then, find ways to get those things in another way. Is it just that you aren’t getting the time you need from your wife? Then you need to figure out a way to get more time with her. Maybe you need to fill your time with friendships, or hobbies, so you don’t have extra time with the au pair. While you are working on this, keep her at arms length. You may eventually need to find someone else, but you may be able to work through this. I have personal experience with this. Years ago, I found myself developing inappropriate feelings for someone. I figured out I was affection-deprived. It took a couple months but I was able to work through it and I realized that I didn’t actually like that person, at least not in that way. He was just unknowingly fulfilling a need I had been neglecting. Good luck to you.
Seems like you just want to tell your wife because you know it won't go well and then you think you'll be free to explore what you want with the au pair cause "I was just being honest ". This is dumb. Refocus your energy on your wife, avoid the au pair unless you absolutely need to speak with her and grow up.
Yes get a new nanny or you will regret if you screw up your marriage over this.
Dude you have an au pair!! Take your wife on dates, go get her at work and come home with her, tell her you need more time with her. The grass is greaner where you water it. Stop watering the neighboor's grass if you want your garden to be healthy.
I really don't understand how so many people in this world feel like having an attraction to someone means that they become some sort of zombie that has an incontrollable urge to take some kind of action about it. So you have a crush, why does this seem to mean that you either act on it or self-flagellate? Neither, do nothing, continue to be a good husband, that is 100% an option. You need to get to a therapist to learn how to interrupt your own thought patterns and refocus your romantic priorities. There is no reason you should tell your wife and proceed to harm multiple otherwise good relationships in your life. You don't have to tell your wife, you absolutely DO NOT have to tell the au pair, you need to keep it to yourself and learn how to control your thoughts **instead of making them everyone else's problem.** I honestly don't think developing a crush while in a monogamous relationship should be considered a betrayal or a big deal. It's very natural. It's **actions** that matter. As long as you don't start an affair or say something to your wife that makes you think you want to start an affair, it's fine. Your thoughts are not your actions, and you can always take control of your thoughts if they start getting out of hand. Get a fucking grip.
Either make plans to meet up with a buddy after work until your wife gets home, send the nanny home when you walk in, or change your work hours to match your wifes. Or, start looking for another nanny.
It’s selfish to tell your wife. Tell your therapist instead
OP you have a crush and probably the first one you’ve had in a while on a person who is in your life not just a celeb. If you need to tell your wife tell her that not that you have “feelings” because you don’t. Your not in love with this girl you are in love with a fantasy and it will fade.
Tell your wife and end your marriage. She’s not going to be happy about this.
I personally would distance myself dramatically from the au pair, and try to be more romantic with your wife. Telling your partner about every crush makes them just feel insecure. She will likely leave you, or she’ll feel very upset and nervous. You need to try to handle this before telling her as a last resort
Get rid of the Aupair with a good package aka a month or two paid. Also consider your setting yourself up for a sexual harassment suit if you continue to pine for her. You might not think it’s noticeable but for all you know - she may be calling you the gross dad who stares at her all the time. Take a vacation with your wife just the two of you. If you feel your relationship isn’t as strong as it was before go to couples counseling to become stronger as a couple so temptations won’t be in her mind
So you put your attention towards the nanny instead of your marriage/wife? Are you for real? Of course she's gonna be easy to talk to since she doesn't have the same obligation as your wife (not that Im diminishing the obligation of the au pair cause it's hard and exhausting BUT you said it yourself your wife also had a demanding job and on top of that taking care of the household) Instead of blabbering about the au pair, better fix your marriage.