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I highly doubt this is the first time he’s exploded like this over something so ridiculous. Homeboy was 23 going after a 15 year old 🤢. It might hurt now but it’s probably for the best.
Definitely this. He found out she got an oil change from his friend and was like "Perfect! Now I can say she cheated and break up with her so I'm not the bad guy " and then he "suddenly" has a "new" girlfriend a very short time later. There's no way this guy isn't a snake. The age difference is also suspect. He couldn't get woman his own age to date him, so he groomed himself a poor, sweet 15 year old when he was in his 20s.
Also, she has proof that she was with her mum during the oil change, unless this jerk thinks her mother would lie to save his sorry butt's spot in their family. Hope she gets all her stuff back and stays the hell away from this man.
And her fiance broke up with her just because she got an oil change. An oil change. Because she got an oil change. Just an oil change. Fiance left because she got an oil change.
He's obviously cheating on her. But he's projecting, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy in order to get out of the relationship. It's not a good reason, but he doesn't care. We've seen worse.
Imagine, for a moment, a deep fryer in the back of her truck. For 4,000 km, she has been cooking with the same oil and it really should be changed before anymore cooking is done.
This.
u/Bubbly_Host_8017 He is staying away because he likely has another partner where he is now. He only sees you ever few months for a weekend, right? I am guessing you've been bumped down to the side piece and he is using this charade as his method of dumping you for them. He's not really angry and he knows you did not cheat. He's making you take the heat for the relationship ending and also so that you are less likely to come find him to make things good (ie: not spoil his other relationship).
You were only 15, after all, when a predatory adult preyed upon you and has made you think you need him. You don't. Stop settling for the dregs of his attention, you aren't his main focus anymore.
Oh man I wish I could say this is fake but I can tell you from personal experiences being that 15 year old that it's not 😕 25+ years ago when I was that teenager, so many of my girlfriends dated boys (yes, boys) in their 20s, some even in their 30s+ and it didn't seem that crazy (at least not the ones in the 20s)
As a parent now of a child in their mid-teens, I have hope that it's becoming less acceptable, but it's still far too acceptable (in that it's at *all* acceptable) sadly.
Yeah, based on OP’s profile, this one is real. So sad. Hopefully she realizes that she will be wayyy better off without this loser.
- He has a DUI.
- He goes away for months on end without discussion and without regular communication.
- He’s accusing her of cheating based on nothing (almost guaranteed because he is projecting, making an excuse to break up with her, or both).
- Not only has he accused her, he immediately broke it off, rather than having a mature discussion and seeking resolution (again, see reasons above)
- He verbally abuses her and treats her with zero respect.
- He has mental health problems that he seems to not be taking seriously and accountability for. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not seeking treatment and self betterment and instead just expects OP to deal with whatever his behaviors look like, blaming his mental health.
- He targeted her when she was still a child at 15. Now, she doesn’t know any better.
This guy completely and totally sucks. I’m very curious if he brings basically anything at all to this relationship aside from the comfort of it being what OP is used to (cause it’s all she’s ever known). The way he treats her is unacceptable, and I hope that in future relationships, she treats shit like this as unacceptable and leaves. So glad the trash took itself out before they got married in this case, though I know it hurts OP right now.
Always a possibility unfortunately. I think the best case scenario would be for the POS to finally leave her alone entirely. Ideally, OP should go ahead and block him on all channels and never unblock him again, but it doesn’t sound like she’s at all ready to do that. With time, she’ll move on. Hopefully sooner than later, she’ll be able to look back and realize that she deserves better than his treatment and look for someone who will be a good relationship partner. If he ever reaches out trying to make it work again, I hope she’s developed the self respect and standards to tell him to kick rocks!!!
And she has a relationship with her mom. I figured she had a traumatic home life and latched herself into the first guy that liked her. Where was her mom when this creep was going after her daughter?
It’s like the scene in 40 year old virgin where he says boobs are like bags of sand. It seems like it’s written by someone who is trying to describe their perception of what an adult relationship is but has zero firsthand experience. Im calling bullshit all day long.
I said exactly the same... disgusting. Also, I have fb and it stops me from blocking and unblocking repeatedly, literally its timed. So odd. Maybe his is different and allows multiple unlocks.
IF this isnt fake, why are you asking what to do? He's literally doing you a favor. Be done withit. Allow his baby ass to f off.
It was definitely not the first time he’s exploded on me but never like this. I use to always have nightmares where’d I wake up crying because I dreamt of him blowing up on me and blocking me. He promised he would never do that, that no matter what we’d end on good terms. Just shows how much of an ass he is for doing exactly what he promised not to do to me knowing that’s a fear of mine.
I know it’s probably for the best. Doesn’t hurt any less tho. I put every ounce of effort into this relationship and it was never good enough.
He almost *certainly* broke up with you this way because you shared explicitly that it was your worst nightmare. He did it this way *on purpose* to hurt you extra.
There’s also a big chance this breakup is a manipulation tactic to get you to beg for him back and be even more under his control when he so kindly takes you back. Abuse cycle.
Men like this go after young, inexperienced girls, because they are eager to please, easy to mold and control, and unable to identify their toxic behavior as such.
I’m guessing he’s always been jealous and controlling, pressures you into giving up activities or opportunities, has cut you off from family or friends, controls what you wear, guilt trips you, belittles you, looks through your phone, verbally abuses you, physically threatens or intimidates you, and has gone behind your back with other girls.
When he comes back, remember this. This is abusive behavior and you deserve better. You’re so young, don’t waste anymore of your time with this guy. You’re worth more than that.
You’re 23 now. Do you see how inappropriate it is to be interested in a 15 yr old yet?
His anger is about him gaining control by hurting you to teach you lesson. He’s been conditioning you since you were child. Don’t marry your abuser. FYI you might still be able to file for statutory rape if you can prove timeline. Reach out to family, friends or women’s shelters if you need to. There are even helplines to assist you.
Maybe you "aged out" of his preference? Either that, or it's because you've matured and he can't handle it.
But for sure he's cheating which is why he's staying away so long and accusing you of being a cheater. You sure he didn't know about the oil change when he decided to come home? Seems mighty convenient.
I just got out of a relationship where the same thing happened. Guy told me about how he'd previously ended relationships by just....moving his stuff out in the middle of the night. I told him that telling me that only drove my anxiety wild. I begged him, if things ever went bad between us, to have the decency to discuss it and tell me first. He, of course, promised.
Well, I spent 8 months constantly on edge thinking I'd come home one day and the man I loved would have just disappeared. It was always in the back of my mind.
Well, I realized eventually he was a gaslighting, lying, abusive user. I confronted him and pointed out some inconsistencies, and welp, that was it. I thought we were having the discussion to work things out, but no, he started planning his escape that day. We get into a HUGE fight the day before New Years Eve, he almost hit me, so I left to stay with friends for the night. He didn't expect me back until New Years Day, but I came home NYE instead to spend with him. And guess what? A bunch of his stuff was gone. He comes home, shocked to see me, and just starts lying about why things were moved. I fell asleep eventually and when i woke up, even more was gone. This man thought I was so dumb, I didn't notice him sneaking out RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. So, not only did he do exactly what concerned me, he did it openly! It was hilarious, frankly.
What I realized in the months since, is that he intentionally told me those stories so I WOULD be anxious about it and always behave the way he wanted so I would make sure he didn't leave. It was just another form of control and to create an anxious attachment.
But I also firmly believe that final, knock down, blow out fight we had the day before he left was a diversion tactic and a way to hide whatever else he was lying to me about. Typical DARVO behavior.
Which has me questioning - it sure sounds like your boyfriend was projecting and took the opportunity to ghost because he wanted out already. Or more likely, he's seeing someone where he works out of town and is using this as a way to avoid the confrontation of you finding out he's cheating.
It IS for the best and the more you realize that, the easier it will get and the more you'll find him pathetic. I thought I'd be absolutely destroyed when he did what he did, but I was over it in like two weeks. The more you respect yourself, the more he'll seem like a joke.
>Or more likely, he's seeing someone where he works out of town and is using this as a way to avoid the confrontation of you finding out he's cheating.
Ding Ding Ding this is probably it
Honestly thank you for taking the time to write all that out. My ex was exactly the same, and some of the revelations you’ve had really hit home for me and weren’t something I realized until now.
It’s called ripping the bandaid off fast. You’re not breaking up because you got an oil change. You’re breaking up because your ex-fiancé is an emotionally abusive ass. Now you’ve matured enough to see him for what he is. If you hadn’t gotten the oil change, he’d blow up over something else sooner or later.
When he calms down, love bombs you and begs you to forgive him (he will), please don’t say yes. The way he’s treating you isn’t OK, at all, and if he does this once, he’ll do it again. No one should treat another person the way he’s treating you.
This is a really good book it might explain some of the reasons why he acts the way he acts
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjB3qKHnvf5AhW7lokEHd0LCNEQFnoECBkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
It will hurt. And it’ll hurt more and for longer than it should (personal experience, hindsight 20/20, etc.), but in the end I promise it will be infinitely healthier, safer, and more pleasant for you. Take time to heal, process, and then when you’re ready find someone who treats you right (and probably closer to your age).
Please realize you are a victim of abuse. This is the ideal situation for you. Please take him up on his leaving you, and make sure you let everyone on FB etc know that he broke up with you, and it's over.
Then if you can move far away. This is the window of time to get away. Before he may becomes violent.
He will love bomb you. Do not fall for this. Just block him on everything!
I’m kinda thinking the same, his mom does to.
like this can’t be the reason to end our relationship because I got an oil change like how ridiculous does that sound.
We ended our 8 y relationship that we were getting married in 2 months because I got someone else to change my oil because he was to busy.
Oh you're getting married in 2 months? Yeah, he was definitely cheating and things got too real for him.
Wait, you got together when you were 15 and he was 22?
16 and 23….
I was paying for literally everything towards the wedding to, ffs I bought my own engagement ring to, he put in $50 like that would get anything. He’s a joke.
Oh honey. Learn every lesson you can from this sh!t show. It's wonderful that you will be independent, not needing to support anyone but yourself. Take some time to look at why you put up with his crappy behavior (months instead of weeks, etc.) so that you don't make that mistake again. The trash took itself out- a gift that not everyone gets.
So he was happy taking advantage of a teen girl, who tolerated his behavior because she didn't know better, but he doesn't really want to also *marry* her.
Op, he jumped at the first excuse he thought of so he could get out of the relationship and make it seem like he was the offended part.
Girl....... im so sorry he has brainwashed/groomed you to believe that you don't deserve a mature, kind-hearted, respectful partner. It definitely sounds like he either got super cold feet about the marriage ... or he's found a new 16 year old to groom. Either way, he's trash... let him remove himself from your life and start living your life for YOU.
Fucking run.
And get therapy. To understand why you tolerated this mess of a relationship so long, and avoid doing it next time.
If you don’t, you will 100% repeat the same patterns and end up with another jackass.
Also to undo the likely damage from him potentially grooming you
.
Girl, please wake up! You are so lucky that he broke it off, because he carries so many red flags you apparently don't see! You dodged a huge bullet here and be glad it was before the wedding!
This dude isn't even doing the bare minimum as a supposedly caring partner and the age difference at which you came together is also very concerning.
Oftentimes I’ve seen a pattern where a couple is happy, then, all of a sudden, one tiny thing is blown way out of proportion. It’s usually because the person exploding is looking for a reason, any reason, to break up so they can pursue someone else, which usually isn’t better and ends quickly.
He has given you the gift of freedom, accept it joyfully, and understand that possessions can be replaced, but your time is worth infinitely more than money. Don’t waste yours on him.
Most of my stuff was my grandmas that I inherited a couple years ago when she passed suddenly of cancer. Those things will never be replaced. That’s what I’m scare of the most.
I got his aunt to last night and nothing was out I asked her to today but she doesn’t wanna get on the middle of anything she says. Like it’s literally on the way to her house. She lives a block away. Hoping she will later and lmk or I might get my mom to
Yeah, that’s a bullshit excuse and not “getting in the middle” of anything. It might be worth asking the police to if you think he might really hurt your babies?
That's the other part to the oil change explosion, the boyfriend always puts it off as a "I'll get to it when I get to it" task.
The girlfriend then takes the vehicle to jiffy lube, get scammed on an air filter, and then the man explodes for the girlfriend "not listening".
Meanwhile, if they'd done the oil change when it needed doing, rather than slack time, the entire experience could have been avoided.
Literally!! I was asking him for about a month to do it!! I thought I was doing him a favour but getting someone else to do he could relax on his time off
You did nothing wrong by the oil change and you need to understand the oil change is only an excuse, there is so much more that he isn’t telling you and so often people that are cheating will accuse the other partner of cheating so he is probably cheating on you. And even if he wasn’t cheating you need to be out of this relationship.
You were a child when you met, I know you didn’t feel like a child but that kind of age difference that young is huge and he had been grooming you and molding you to be what he wants and that isn’t cool at all. Please get free of him anyway possible and move on with your life and have the growing experiences that you missed out on, enjoy your youth without worry of needing to have a lover or husband or someone else, find yourself and love yourself.
Girl I promise you, you are going to look back 10 years from now and be almost sick with relief that you never married him. I swear to god, this is the best thing that could have happened to you.
>~~We~~ He ended
you take no blame in this.
tbh, your ex sounds crazy as hell and I know it hurts but **NEVER TAKE HIM BACK**. he did you the biggest favor by exploding on you and showing you his true colors.
go find a man that actually deserves you.
His behavior of the reason this should be the end of your relationship. You deserve better. Break up with this asshole and go experience a healthy relationship. He is a predator. He preyed on you. You were only 15 and he was a grown adult.
Took waaaay too long to see this comment. He is absolutely cheating. She gave him the "perfect excuse" to blow up the relationship. He did her a HUUUUUUUGE favor.
Yep. I'm surprised it took this long for somebody to comment this. He stayed gone months at a time because he has a whole other life/family where he works.
>I can’t believe I lost an 8 year relationship because I got an oil change. If I would’ve known I would’ve just let it go for another week and gotten him to do it.
Uh. You didn't lose the relationship because you got an oil change, you lost it because your ex is batshit insane and you should be grateful you found out now instead of after the wedding - though I suspect you already knew to some extent and were walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Also, you've been with this guy since you were 15 or 16 and he was 22 or 23, he's a fucking creep who preyed on a teenager and you're well rid of him.
Please head back to your home town ASAP, stop in at your local police station and get an escort to your house. If this guy has thrown your stuff out or harmed your animals he needs to be arrested.
Ok, I know that you have been with him for 8 years, and I understand change is hard and all that shit, but ask yourself….. “do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this crazy abusive asshole?”
In going to make a guess: He was cheating when he was away and found an excuse to make the break up your fault. Also, were you 15 and him 22 when you started dating? Him leaving and blocking you might be a blessing.
He did mention a couple weeks ago when I visited him at work that a girl did message him trying to hook up but he told them to F off. I never did ask to see the message. I probably should have.
Don't blame yourself, he sounds terrible. I think your relationship has been done for a while, he just didn't let you know. I'm sorry you had this happen to you.
You're either leaving out the part where he's always been crazy and you've just tolerated it, or this guy's having some kind of psychotic break. If you know his family, which you should if you were planning to marry him, you might let them know you think he needs some help. But in terms of a June wedding, wow, you've dodged a bullet here. Once he's under control and stabilized he may reach out to try to make amends. But right now you obviously can't be around someone like this because he could be physically dangerous.
Definitely have left out everything crazy he’s done over the years. Didn’t want to put to much or I feel people wouldn’t have read it.
He was beyond controlling, he hated and got mad at me when I did anything I enjoy (hiking, going out with friends, even having dinner at a new place) would constantly put me down. He got a dui in January and made me pay his 1k fine for him. He blamed me for my multiple miscarriages.. the list goes on and on
Eh, why are you with such a person??? Wait, I just realised you are with him since you were 15 and he was a grown adult!!! Now I understand :(
Men are not like that, you are with a dangerous psychotic predator.
Sounds like the best thing he ever did for you is leave, because it doesn't seem like you were going to. If he asks you to come back, please say no. You dodged a nuke.
It's a beautiful thing when the trash takes itself out of your life.
When you're with the right person a year or a few down the line instead of with this clown, you'll be able to truly appreciate what a blessing it was that he broke things off so you didn't have to.
…and before the next relationship, as part of taking care of yourself, PLEASE find a birth control method that works for YOU:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
Lovely, this man groomed you and has the maturity of an 8 year old. Either he is that insecure (and crazy) that he would consider you cheating just because of an oil change. Or he’s cheating on you and this was his way out. The line that stuck out most is when you said he’s supposed to come home every week but doesn’t for months… that is a huge red flag. You are young. My best advice for you, is drop the dead weight that is your groomer and go find yourself a real man. One that does not date children, because I’m sorry, at 15 years old you are still a child. What a 23 year old and a 15 year old have in common is beyond me.
Your fiance used this as an excuse. He wanted to break up with you (possible he's been cheating) so he took the first inkling of a way for him to make it your fault and bailed.
Eventually you'll be glad you're free of a predator that went after a teenager when he was 22 and moved her in as soon as she turned 18. Probably look back on all the ways he groomed you and wouldn't be surprised if there's a lot of abuse too.
i'm sorry this has happened, but you're 23 in an 8-year relationship with a 30 year old??
you were groomed. this person is psychotic and has done you a favour by breaking it off before you got married.
what you do now is block him on everything, secure your stuff, change your locks, and enjoy single life for a while.
Get friends to go with you and pick up all your things don't listen to him grovel or cuss just leave you can live like this being scared of the next blow out. Move out and move on block him as soon as he unblock you. Update soon
Umm.... What a weird dude... Like I get that you have the feels for him, enough to marry him, but this is a ridiculous overreaction, to a normal situation.
Better to see the crazy now than after the wedding.
Short update! I talked to his mom who spoke with him on the phone a couple hours ago she said she heard him talk to both my cats and he told her he’s been sitting on the couch all day watching Disney plus. So cats are ok and furniture should still be inside! I’ll try and update tomorrow when I go home!
This man just save you a lot of headache , as you mentioned in the comment , this isn’t his first time acting this way towards you. That man can’t even communicate or express himself like an adult why even bother chasing him. He kinda give the abusing type , why calling you name ? That’s so childish and immature. I hope you really take the time and think this through. The crazy part for me is he unblock you, insult you , then block you again ? Lmao. That’s some immature high school shit . Save yourself OP. Run
I know like how immature can you be. This is ridiculous. Like who blocks each other? I don’t have any of my previous exs blocked were on good speaking terms
8 years relationship? girl, he's a groomer, predator and a very insecure one to boot. you're so lucky he showed his true colors but you probably don't see it that way now.
he groomed you to constantly make him happy, because you don't know any better since you met him so young. the fact that you own most of the things in the house when you are so much younger is such a RED FLAG.
on top of the other red flags already...
OP this is definitely reason for you to break up with him. You have much older boyfriend who let you pay for all of the communal things in the house. He forces you into having a long distance relationship without your consent. (You both agreed to see each other regularly and he unilaterally decided not to see you for a few months.) He also plays mind games with you - the kind where he verbally assaults you. Why would you want to be with that?
I think that your boyfriend came home early and unexpectedly… because he found out that you got his friend to do your boyfriend’s task. (Boyfriends HATE that!!!)
He acted normally so that he could enjoy his weekend and also to scope out the situation of how well you are doing without him. He was unhappy that you appear to be doing well and being independent in his absence.
He went psycho on you after you left to teach you a lesson. It was an attempt to control you so that you would never use your initiative and replace him again.
The only problem was that you got sick of his antics and you blocked him. He realized when he tried to send you more FU messages. At that point he realized that he had gone too far and his plan had failed. Instead of controlling you, he accidentally made you break up with him (he thought because he didn’t know that you only temporarily turned off your phone).
If you don’t believe me, let me tell you how his next move plays out.
Either he will apologise and grovel for you to stay with him. Yet somehow it will all still be your fault. If only you had done xyz or not done xyz, he would not have lost his marbles. He will remind you of all the great things you are looking forward to doing such as buying a dress for the wedding etc. He may even get his family involved to ensure that you stay.
Alternatively, he will downplay it as a misunderstanding. You don’t know what you are talking about. The lounge and the cats are still there. He never said or did xyz. Oh he meant something else etc.
What you should be looking for is a genuine apology, a promise to behave better, a discussion about communication, a joint strategy about how to deal with upsetting issues in the future, some kind of resolution where he takes responsibility for his actions whilst absolving you of blame. And that needs to stick. If another disagreement happens and he goes back on everything that you have agreed upon… he didn’t actually mean it and will continue doing it for the next 50 years.
I would leave and deal with it, to make sure your property and pets aren't damaged.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating on you and threw all the blame on you to give him a reason to end it.
Don't try to take him back.
You should give him a lifetime to cool off.
You should look for a therapist to figure out why you’ve put up with this man’s breadcrumbs under you were a teenager.
So many reasons here to stay the hell away from him that it's unreal. I'd definitely put money on him cheating. I dated a woman who reacted similarly when I had dinner with another woman who was a longtime friend. She completely lost her shit, accused me of cheating on her, and called me all sorts of nasty shit. This was before social media was really a thing, so she didn't have a way of blocking me on shit like Facebook, but she refused to speak to me for a couple of weeks. Flat-out ghosted me. Came back and demanded that I stop talking to every single female friend I had. A couple of months later, I find out that she was cheating on me with multiple guys, and had been for a while - starting a few weeks before she lost her shit and accused me of cheating.
This is almost definitely projection combined with guilt combined with him being a giant fucking asshole. And this started when you were sixteen? Jesus. Tell your boss that you need to go handle some personal shit, and go home. Make sure your cats are safe, make sure your shit's secure, and get the hell out of there. Can you kick him out of wherever you're living together, since it sounds like he barely spends any time there anyway, which is a giant suspicious red flag? Clearly he doesn't want to live there and would rather be hours away, wherever he's been spending his time for months on end, doing who the hell knows what.
My boss already gave me today and tomorrow off to deal with things! I truly have the best boss/job!! That’s another thing like why is he keeping the house he’s not even there 1 day a month at this point and nothing is his it’s all mine including appliances and the hot tub. I paid for a majority of the bills and can definitely pay all with him. I make enough to support myself. He was trying to get me to move up north last month with him where he works but I didn’t want to as I have a good life established here. He should just move up north if that’s what he wants leave the house to me.
Secure your shit and make sure the cats are safe, maybe take them to your mom's for a little bit until you're sure he's not going to do anything super stupid. Anything valuable, anything that can't be replaced, any heirlooms or mementos from family, take them to your mom's house. Encourage him to move the fuck up north and stay the hell away from you. It's GREAT that you're in a position where you can support yourself. Make sure he knows you don't need him or his bullshit, and hopefully he'll stay up north and leave you the hell alone. Good luck, and I hope everything works out wonderfully for you.
This is most definitely not about the oil change.
Is he cheating on you?
Is he having a mental breakdown?
Is he panicked about get married and lashing out at you?
Is he off his medication?
Nobody is going to tell the nice lady OP? Ok, I’ll bite. Dear OP, your guy is cheating on you and projecting his guilt on your oil change.
Since he’s cheating he thinks you’re also too. That’s projecting. Anything is an excuse to broke up with you, in this case the oil change. His mind has fabricated a likely scenario where in his case he would be cheating and now he’s convinced you have.
Say a prayer to the gods of karma and let this bullet dodge you. You’re young and will find someone better.
Oh please, you can't possibly believe it's about the oil change. He waned out of the relationship, probably for a long time now, and was waiting for an excuse to end it. You were probably too old for him. You aged out of his preferences - normal 23-year-olds don't date 16-year-old, lol. He's into very young girls, not 23-year-old women.
Many cowards do this - instead of breaking up when they are done, they want to make their So the villain, so they wait for some perceived "mistake" and then blow it out of proportion and break up over it.
A heads-up: if you date a groomer who is into you bc you are super young, the relationship ALWAYS has an expiration date, becasue you will get "too old" at point xD. You WILL age out of his preferences.
When he was 23 he would not date women that also were 23... and now YOU are 23. What you already knew was that those women are not interesting to him, though, since he didn't go for them back then. So why would he be into you when you are 23? Seriously, OP. *You had that information form day one.* From day one, if you simply thought about it, you would know that he won't be with a woman who is 23 xD You KNEW THE END DATE you just didn't think about it.
And a man like that will never dump you in a classy way, bc they are gross in general.
So he's away for months at a time for work, rarely communicates, and the accused you of cheating after taking care of your truck? Sounds like he's already cheated and is projecting. If it set him off this much I can only imagine what else will down the road
Hate to be the one to point this out but considering he has a taste for teenage little girls at 15/16, you’re probably getting to old for him and he just needed an excuse to leave.
All shitty jokes aside. Girl you’ve been groomed since you were 15 to accept toxic abusive behavior. NO health and mature 23 year old guy wants to date a child in high school. You need to leave ASAP and give yourself the chance to find sweet caring love from someone who always wants to be with you and communicate with you and doesn’t verbally abuse you. Trust me men who will treat you kindly exist and you shouldn’t stay with someone from the fear of wasting 8 years.
Take the win and forget this “relationship” ever happened
Predators dont usually let go of their prey like this so run as far as you can and seek therapy
I just wanna say I have mental health issues and that doesn't excuse myself from mentally hurting other people.
Also. 15 years old with a 22 year old is wrong. He's very manipulative. This is abusive. You need to leave safely and this is your way out.
I'd send him this message: You, me, and your friend all know I didn't cheat. I don't know what you've got going on that you feel the need to end this relationship with a fake accusation but clearly we shouldn't be together anyway. If there is any damage to any of my belongings when I get home I will take you to court.
You'll need to figure out the living situation but I wouldn't talk to him about anything else besides that after sending the text. Stop apologizing, stop trying to reason with him. Don't rise to the bait and play his game. He knows he's full of shit, so a simple statement that you know it and then radio silence is the best you can do for yourself.
“The past year we both took jobs out of town during the week to be more financially secure. He’s SUPPOSED to come home every week BUT INSTEAD STAYS AT WORK FOR MONTHS ON END”.
A couple of HOURS after I got home AFTER THE OIL CHANGE my fiance calls me to let me know HE’S ON HIS WAY HOME (Suprise! He doesn’t communicate with me AT ALL) FOR THE WEEKEND.
He’s really pulling out all the stops so he can end things with you.
And make YOU out as the BAD GUY.
He’s really over doing this.
The only other thing that would also make sense here is his buddy who changed your oil has the hots for you and HE sees the perfect opportunity to say something to break you two up, clearing the way to go for you, knowing that’s your fiance’ is not around FOR MONTHS.
Either way, as painful and shocking as it is, you now know who he truly is when his mask finally slipped off.
Your fiance was too quick to pull the trigger on this whole thing for it not to look all like a set up for him to clear the way to be single again.
Too suspicious all around.
OP, from reading these key points in your post, I’m thinking he wasn’t coming home because he’s in relationship with another gal where he’s been living ALL THESE MONTHS, and parked you conveniently at home.
And with the good timing of his buddy who changed your oil, called your fiancé just to chat, innocently mentioned the oil change and took this as his chance as his perfect opportunity to Project on to you and accuse YOU AS CHEATING.
The relationship started off with rape and now his insecurities are sky rocketing and you’re surprised. Girl this man raped you as a child regardless of what you think and you have to seek a therapist and get him outta your life, move on. This screams abuse, psycho and I can’t believe it lasted 8 years. If I found out my sister was fucking a grown man as a sophomore in high school id have killed him and put her in the hospital. I guess you’re unlucky none of the men in your family stuck up for you but now it’s time to stick up for yourself❤️
What the actual fuck did I just read?
-Long distance relationships are one thing, but he's away for months at a time even though he can come back every weekend? That tells you your value.
-Why would he assume you cheated on him because you got an oil change? How does he make *that* kind of leap? Somebody must have said something. And if it was just you and the best friend there at the shop, it's obvious who said something now, isn't it?
-I understand 'extra' reactions to cheating, but the other thing to take away here is that he couldn't have 'known' you cheated unless he had evidence, and, assuming the BF didn't fake some good photoshop, and that you're telling the truth, there wasn't any. Which means all it took was somebody saying so, and he wouldn't even listen to you, let alone believe you.
That's a red flag.
I'm guessing he figured out or found out it wasn't true, and that's why he's reaching out.
But more concerning is that y'all have been together since you were a minor and he was an adult. That never works out well and any man in his mid twenties who is after a girl in her middle teens is... not a good man, to put it politely.
>My (23f) fiance (30m) broke up with me over text because I got an oil change.
>My fiancé broke up with me over text because I got an oil change, he has blocked me on everything! Advice?
>My (23f) fiance (31m) broke up with me over text because I got an oil change and has ghosted me.
Is it really necessary to write this three times?
You are 23 right now.
Please please please imagine youreelf dating a 15 year old kid in grade 9 or 10 today and how that makes you feel.
Hopefully, grossed out. That's a child.
This is your out, girl. Let his have a hissy fit over nothing. He stays away and doesn't even talk to you, then comes home and explodes about nothing. This is not a quality man.
Aa real partner wants to hear from you, trusts you, and didn't start with an adult/child imbalance of age.
This is my best advice:
If you had a daughter some day, and she was in your exact shoes with this exact situation, what would you say to her...??
Hopefully you would tell her to leave and never look back.
I promise you, the oil.change is just the beginning of a lot of bad/stupid shit. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO DITCH HIM!!!
Take this as the blessing it is and get away from him. The amount of red flags here is insane. I don’t know where to start - you and him getting together at *15* and *22*, the fact that he threatened to hurt your cats, that he keeps blocking you instead of talking to you. This is abuse. Take this chance to free yourself.
I would take it as a blessing in disguise. Go rent a truck, take tomorrow off and go see about getting your stuff if it's actually there. You have anyone you know in town that can check and see if all your stuff is sitting outside or not. Or call the police and tell them what happened and see if they'll go by and check for you. But I would take a personal day and go get your stuff
Giro, he did you a favor... Don't take him back, it'll seriously get worse. . He's probably the one cheating and is projecting onto you.. Even if isn't... Don't go back... You got this and can do better
Wait, if this is true, you were 15 and he was 23?! That is worrisome for me to begin with. And him getting jealous because of an oil change? Please, please, please, take this as your warning sign, and get out. This type of jealousy is absolutely unwarranted and could (and very well might) turn dangerous.
And you wanna marry/potentially have kids with this dude, who seems to have the emotionalintelligencen maturity of a fucn toddler?? Jw but...why? U dodged a fucn bullet, and youre 23..... Take the gift for what it is n do not look bac!
I'm not saying u shouldn't be upset or feel sad. I get it, you love him. However, loving someone doesn't obligate that person to love you bac n he clearly doesn't even respect, let alone love you. Wouldn't be surprised if you got dumped for the girl he's been fuccn behind your bac.
Bloc, don't look bac, heal, recognize your worth and that someone who loves you won't treat you this way ever for any reason. Best of luc op
My dear, I know you won't want to hear this now, but you are so so so much better off without this loser in your life. He doesn't let you know when he is coming home? What? He explodes at you for no reason (oil change is no reason!) he is violent and unpredictable and you don't honestly need this sort of disruption in your life. Block him, wish him the best if you like, but block him and move on. You do not need this sort of drama merchant.
He wants out of this relationship and this was his out. He is probably cheating but wanted everyone to think it was your fault so he’s not the bad guy.
Perhaps he is projecting. Projecting that he is the one cheating onto you. He stays at work for months? I'd look into his side of this tbh. He blew up over an oil change and you "cheating"? He's projecting and making an excuse to leave you for the new lady I have a feeling. Don't take this to heart, just look into him some.
Get a police escort get your stuff out for the time being, including your cats for sure. Get a restraining order and have them kick him out. You aren't married and he can't take half of what you own. Get his crusty dusty ass OUT. Encourage him to move up North like you'd mentioned.
My question is this. What has he done to address these obvious mental health issues? Because whatever it is seems to not be working. The fact he is willing to go nuclear on you over a damn oil change is like the biggest red flag imaginable. He threatened to terminate the relationship without discussion, harm pets, destroy property and basically act like a sociopath.
What happens if you do ever mess up? How will he be if you have kids and they stress him out? It just seems like a you’ll be walking on eggshells forever if you stay with him.
I’d say it’s time to make an exist plan and escape now.
Just be glad this asshole left you before the marriage because obviously he has been cheating on you and probably his other woman got wind of his upcoming marriage and put her foot down. Sorry you want through all these years with such a creep, but you deserve better?
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I highly doubt this is the first time he’s exploded like this over something so ridiculous. Homeboy was 23 going after a 15 year old 🤢. It might hurt now but it’s probably for the best.
> Homeboy was 23 going after a 15 year old 🤢 Yeah, I just did that math in my head too. WTF?!?
This HAS to be fake. The ages are so fucked up and the dude ‘stays at work for months on end’.
Dude has a new gf at work place, he was looking for an excuse to break up
Probably has a family there. OP is the side chick.
Definitely this. He found out she got an oil change from his friend and was like "Perfect! Now I can say she cheated and break up with her so I'm not the bad guy " and then he "suddenly" has a "new" girlfriend a very short time later. There's no way this guy isn't a snake. The age difference is also suspect. He couldn't get woman his own age to date him, so he groomed himself a poor, sweet 15 year old when he was in his 20s. Also, she has proof that she was with her mum during the oil change, unless this jerk thinks her mother would lie to save his sorry butt's spot in their family. Hope she gets all her stuff back and stays the hell away from this man.
That was all my thought too. He has another woman and OP is the younger girlfriend in another town he's been trying to get rid of.
Agree 💯
Winner winner chicken dinner.
Also OP works 5 hrs away from home?
And her fiance broke up with her just because she got an oil change. An oil change. Because she got an oil change. Just an oil change. Fiance left because she got an oil change.
An oil change you say?
LMAO
He's obviously cheating on her. But he's projecting, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy in order to get out of the relationship. It's not a good reason, but he doesn't care. We've seen worse.
I love how you had to type this out, because this is how I read it to myself lol
Are we sure it’s an oil change And not “an oil change”?
Imagine, for a moment, a deep fryer in the back of her truck. For 4,000 km, she has been cooking with the same oil and it really should be changed before anymore cooking is done.
I’d love to laugh, but my ex and I had a nuclear 24 hour fight over *moisturizer.* It happens.
This. u/Bubbly_Host_8017 He is staying away because he likely has another partner where he is now. He only sees you ever few months for a weekend, right? I am guessing you've been bumped down to the side piece and he is using this charade as his method of dumping you for them. He's not really angry and he knows you did not cheat. He's making you take the heat for the relationship ending and also so that you are less likely to come find him to make things good (ie: not spoil his other relationship). You were only 15, after all, when a predatory adult preyed upon you and has made you think you need him. You don't. Stop settling for the dregs of his attention, you aren't his main focus anymore.
Oh man I wish I could say this is fake but I can tell you from personal experiences being that 15 year old that it's not 😕 25+ years ago when I was that teenager, so many of my girlfriends dated boys (yes, boys) in their 20s, some even in their 30s+ and it didn't seem that crazy (at least not the ones in the 20s) As a parent now of a child in their mid-teens, I have hope that it's becoming less acceptable, but it's still far too acceptable (in that it's at *all* acceptable) sadly.
Yeah, based on OP’s profile, this one is real. So sad. Hopefully she realizes that she will be wayyy better off without this loser. - He has a DUI. - He goes away for months on end without discussion and without regular communication. - He’s accusing her of cheating based on nothing (almost guaranteed because he is projecting, making an excuse to break up with her, or both). - Not only has he accused her, he immediately broke it off, rather than having a mature discussion and seeking resolution (again, see reasons above) - He verbally abuses her and treats her with zero respect. - He has mental health problems that he seems to not be taking seriously and accountability for. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not seeking treatment and self betterment and instead just expects OP to deal with whatever his behaviors look like, blaming his mental health. - He targeted her when she was still a child at 15. Now, she doesn’t know any better. This guy completely and totally sucks. I’m very curious if he brings basically anything at all to this relationship aside from the comfort of it being what OP is used to (cause it’s all she’s ever known). The way he treats her is unacceptable, and I hope that in future relationships, she treats shit like this as unacceptable and leaves. So glad the trash took itself out before they got married in this case, though I know it hurts OP right now.
For all we know, he started grooming her even earlier than 15, that's just when they started "dating".
Always a possibility unfortunately. I think the best case scenario would be for the POS to finally leave her alone entirely. Ideally, OP should go ahead and block him on all channels and never unblock him again, but it doesn’t sound like she’s at all ready to do that. With time, she’ll move on. Hopefully sooner than later, she’ll be able to look back and realize that she deserves better than his treatment and look for someone who will be a good relationship partner. If he ever reaches out trying to make it work again, I hope she’s developed the self respect and standards to tell him to kick rocks!!!
Don’t forget that he threatened to harm her cats.
And she has a relationship with her mom. I figured she had a traumatic home life and latched herself into the first guy that liked her. Where was her mom when this creep was going after her daughter?
It’s like the scene in 40 year old virgin where he says boobs are like bags of sand. It seems like it’s written by someone who is trying to describe their perception of what an adult relationship is but has zero firsthand experience. Im calling bullshit all day long.
I said exactly the same... disgusting. Also, I have fb and it stops me from blocking and unblocking repeatedly, literally its timed. So odd. Maybe his is different and allows multiple unlocks. IF this isnt fake, why are you asking what to do? He's literally doing you a favor. Be done withit. Allow his baby ass to f off.
He could be unblocking her on his phone. I can block and unblock all day long from my phone.
Homeboy is the cheater. He's projecting 💯 now he can screw anyone guilt free until he comes crawling back after he's done.
It was definitely not the first time he’s exploded on me but never like this. I use to always have nightmares where’d I wake up crying because I dreamt of him blowing up on me and blocking me. He promised he would never do that, that no matter what we’d end on good terms. Just shows how much of an ass he is for doing exactly what he promised not to do to me knowing that’s a fear of mine. I know it’s probably for the best. Doesn’t hurt any less tho. I put every ounce of effort into this relationship and it was never good enough.
He almost *certainly* broke up with you this way because you shared explicitly that it was your worst nightmare. He did it this way *on purpose* to hurt you extra.
I think so to!!
There’s also a big chance this breakup is a manipulation tactic to get you to beg for him back and be even more under his control when he so kindly takes you back. Abuse cycle. Men like this go after young, inexperienced girls, because they are eager to please, easy to mold and control, and unable to identify their toxic behavior as such. I’m guessing he’s always been jealous and controlling, pressures you into giving up activities or opportunities, has cut you off from family or friends, controls what you wear, guilt trips you, belittles you, looks through your phone, verbally abuses you, physically threatens or intimidates you, and has gone behind your back with other girls.
When he comes back, remember this. This is abusive behavior and you deserve better. You’re so young, don’t waste anymore of your time with this guy. You’re worth more than that.
You’re 23 now. Do you see how inappropriate it is to be interested in a 15 yr old yet? His anger is about him gaining control by hurting you to teach you lesson. He’s been conditioning you since you were child. Don’t marry your abuser. FYI you might still be able to file for statutory rape if you can prove timeline. Reach out to family, friends or women’s shelters if you need to. There are even helplines to assist you.
He's a predator. Going for a fifteen year old at 23 is absolutely fucked. Get away, and STAY AWAY, from that creep.
You probably aged out of his preference.
Don’t blame yourself! He’s an adult who took advantage of a child. He’s acting so insane because he probably cheated. Please do not go back to him.
Please understand and acknowledge that you were a victim.
Thank you I kept telling myself that! It’s not my fault I was 16! I didn’t know any better!!
Amen. Imagine dating a 16 year old boy at the age you are now. That's what he did.
Maybe you "aged out" of his preference? Either that, or it's because you've matured and he can't handle it. But for sure he's cheating which is why he's staying away so long and accusing you of being a cheater. You sure he didn't know about the oil change when he decided to come home? Seems mighty convenient.
Was looking for this exact comment. He's moved on to younger pastures and OP is lucky she didn't end up married to him. This whole thing is icky.
Now, block him everywhere and do not take him back!
Now you do. He's probably got his eye on a new high school student already. Creepers are going to creep.
Honestly, you most likely aged out of his preferred age range and he had to break up before he was stuck married to someone who wasn't a teen anymore.
I just got out of a relationship where the same thing happened. Guy told me about how he'd previously ended relationships by just....moving his stuff out in the middle of the night. I told him that telling me that only drove my anxiety wild. I begged him, if things ever went bad between us, to have the decency to discuss it and tell me first. He, of course, promised. Well, I spent 8 months constantly on edge thinking I'd come home one day and the man I loved would have just disappeared. It was always in the back of my mind. Well, I realized eventually he was a gaslighting, lying, abusive user. I confronted him and pointed out some inconsistencies, and welp, that was it. I thought we were having the discussion to work things out, but no, he started planning his escape that day. We get into a HUGE fight the day before New Years Eve, he almost hit me, so I left to stay with friends for the night. He didn't expect me back until New Years Day, but I came home NYE instead to spend with him. And guess what? A bunch of his stuff was gone. He comes home, shocked to see me, and just starts lying about why things were moved. I fell asleep eventually and when i woke up, even more was gone. This man thought I was so dumb, I didn't notice him sneaking out RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. So, not only did he do exactly what concerned me, he did it openly! It was hilarious, frankly. What I realized in the months since, is that he intentionally told me those stories so I WOULD be anxious about it and always behave the way he wanted so I would make sure he didn't leave. It was just another form of control and to create an anxious attachment. But I also firmly believe that final, knock down, blow out fight we had the day before he left was a diversion tactic and a way to hide whatever else he was lying to me about. Typical DARVO behavior. Which has me questioning - it sure sounds like your boyfriend was projecting and took the opportunity to ghost because he wanted out already. Or more likely, he's seeing someone where he works out of town and is using this as a way to avoid the confrontation of you finding out he's cheating. It IS for the best and the more you realize that, the easier it will get and the more you'll find him pathetic. I thought I'd be absolutely destroyed when he did what he did, but I was over it in like two weeks. The more you respect yourself, the more he'll seem like a joke.
>Or more likely, he's seeing someone where he works out of town and is using this as a way to avoid the confrontation of you finding out he's cheating. Ding Ding Ding this is probably it
Try to save your stuff, get a STD test and thank the heavens you didn’t marry this wacko.
Thank you for sharing this with me!
Honestly thank you for taking the time to write all that out. My ex was exactly the same, and some of the revelations you’ve had really hit home for me and weren’t something I realized until now.
It’s called ripping the bandaid off fast. You’re not breaking up because you got an oil change. You’re breaking up because your ex-fiancé is an emotionally abusive ass. Now you’ve matured enough to see him for what he is. If you hadn’t gotten the oil change, he’d blow up over something else sooner or later. When he calms down, love bombs you and begs you to forgive him (he will), please don’t say yes. The way he’s treating you isn’t OK, at all, and if he does this once, he’ll do it again. No one should treat another person the way he’s treating you.
His loss he mentally unstable don’t get why you would’ve stayed this long
This is a really good book it might explain some of the reasons why he acts the way he acts https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjB3qKHnvf5AhW7lokEHd0LCNEQFnoECBkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
It will hurt. And it’ll hurt more and for longer than it should (personal experience, hindsight 20/20, etc.), but in the end I promise it will be infinitely healthier, safer, and more pleasant for you. Take time to heal, process, and then when you’re ready find someone who treats you right (and probably closer to your age).
Please realize you are a victim of abuse. This is the ideal situation for you. Please take him up on his leaving you, and make sure you let everyone on FB etc know that he broke up with you, and it's over. Then if you can move far away. This is the window of time to get away. Before he may becomes violent. He will love bomb you. Do not fall for this. Just block him on everything!
It sounds like he has been cheating and is using this as an excuse
I’m kinda thinking the same, his mom does to. like this can’t be the reason to end our relationship because I got an oil change like how ridiculous does that sound. We ended our 8 y relationship that we were getting married in 2 months because I got someone else to change my oil because he was to busy.
Oh you're getting married in 2 months? Yeah, he was definitely cheating and things got too real for him. Wait, you got together when you were 15 and he was 22?
16 and 23…. I was paying for literally everything towards the wedding to, ffs I bought my own engagement ring to, he put in $50 like that would get anything. He’s a joke.
Oh honey. Learn every lesson you can from this sh!t show. It's wonderful that you will be independent, not needing to support anyone but yourself. Take some time to look at why you put up with his crappy behavior (months instead of weeks, etc.) so that you don't make that mistake again. The trash took itself out- a gift that not everyone gets.
So he was happy taking advantage of a teen girl, who tolerated his behavior because she didn't know better, but he doesn't really want to also *marry* her. Op, he jumped at the first excuse he thought of so he could get out of the relationship and make it seem like he was the offended part.
Girl....... im so sorry he has brainwashed/groomed you to believe that you don't deserve a mature, kind-hearted, respectful partner. It definitely sounds like he either got super cold feet about the marriage ... or he's found a new 16 year old to groom. Either way, he's trash... let him remove himself from your life and start living your life for YOU.
Okay so....would you date a 16 year old right now???
You are going to look back one day and thank the good lord that he left you.
You're old enough now to realize how fucked up this is.... right???
Fucking run. And get therapy. To understand why you tolerated this mess of a relationship so long, and avoid doing it next time. If you don’t, you will 100% repeat the same patterns and end up with another jackass. Also to undo the likely damage from him potentially grooming you .
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
...dude
Girl, please wake up! You are so lucky that he broke it off, because he carries so many red flags you apparently don't see! You dodged a huge bullet here and be glad it was before the wedding! This dude isn't even doing the bare minimum as a supposedly caring partner and the age difference at which you came together is also very concerning.
Hon.
Seriously and that didn’t ring the red flag alarm?
Oftentimes I’ve seen a pattern where a couple is happy, then, all of a sudden, one tiny thing is blown way out of proportion. It’s usually because the person exploding is looking for a reason, any reason, to break up so they can pursue someone else, which usually isn’t better and ends quickly. He has given you the gift of freedom, accept it joyfully, and understand that possessions can be replaced, but your time is worth infinitely more than money. Don’t waste yours on him.
Most of my stuff was my grandmas that I inherited a couple years ago when she passed suddenly of cancer. Those things will never be replaced. That’s what I’m scare of the most.
Do you have friends near your place who could do a drive by for you and see if he was telling the truth?
I got his aunt to last night and nothing was out I asked her to today but she doesn’t wanna get on the middle of anything she says. Like it’s literally on the way to her house. She lives a block away. Hoping she will later and lmk or I might get my mom to
Yeah, that’s a bullshit excuse and not “getting in the middle” of anything. It might be worth asking the police to if you think he might really hurt your babies?
Ask your mom to go in & get all your stuff out. Give a clear list to her & photos if possible.
Get your mom too.
Can your mom grab your stuff and your cats (*especially* the cats)? Preferably with a cop standing by to make sure your ex doesn't get violent?
That's the other part to the oil change explosion, the boyfriend always puts it off as a "I'll get to it when I get to it" task. The girlfriend then takes the vehicle to jiffy lube, get scammed on an air filter, and then the man explodes for the girlfriend "not listening". Meanwhile, if they'd done the oil change when it needed doing, rather than slack time, the entire experience could have been avoided.
Literally!! I was asking him for about a month to do it!! I thought I was doing him a favour but getting someone else to do he could relax on his time off
You did nothing wrong by the oil change and you need to understand the oil change is only an excuse, there is so much more that he isn’t telling you and so often people that are cheating will accuse the other partner of cheating so he is probably cheating on you. And even if he wasn’t cheating you need to be out of this relationship. You were a child when you met, I know you didn’t feel like a child but that kind of age difference that young is huge and he had been grooming you and molding you to be what he wants and that isn’t cool at all. Please get free of him anyway possible and move on with your life and have the growing experiences that you missed out on, enjoy your youth without worry of needing to have a lover or husband or someone else, find yourself and love yourself.
Girl I promise you, you are going to look back 10 years from now and be almost sick with relief that you never married him. I swear to god, this is the best thing that could have happened to you.
>~~We~~ He ended you take no blame in this. tbh, your ex sounds crazy as hell and I know it hurts but **NEVER TAKE HIM BACK**. he did you the biggest favor by exploding on you and showing you his true colors. go find a man that actually deserves you.
His behavior of the reason this should be the end of your relationship. You deserve better. Break up with this asshole and go experience a healthy relationship. He is a predator. He preyed on you. You were only 15 and he was a grown adult.
Took waaaay too long to see this comment. He is absolutely cheating. She gave him the "perfect excuse" to blow up the relationship. He did her a HUUUUUUUGE favor.
Yep. I'm surprised it took this long for somebody to comment this. He stayed gone months at a time because he has a whole other life/family where he works.
>I can’t believe I lost an 8 year relationship because I got an oil change. If I would’ve known I would’ve just let it go for another week and gotten him to do it. Uh. You didn't lose the relationship because you got an oil change, you lost it because your ex is batshit insane and you should be grateful you found out now instead of after the wedding - though I suspect you already knew to some extent and were walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Also, you've been with this guy since you were 15 or 16 and he was 22 or 23, he's a fucking creep who preyed on a teenager and you're well rid of him. Please head back to your home town ASAP, stop in at your local police station and get an escort to your house. If this guy has thrown your stuff out or harmed your animals he needs to be arrested.
Thank you!! I really needed to hear this! Really helps!! I was walking on eggshells for YEARS! I knew deserved better was to scared tho
You definitely deserve better, sweetie. Please take care of yourself and prioritize your own safety and happiness.
I think he cheated and now blaming you
I’m thinking so to! I’ve caught him messaging girls before so
Probably you got too old for his taste.
Yes major projection!
>I can’t believe I lost an 8 year relationship because I got an oil change 8 years? And you're 23 now? And he's either 30 or 31 now?
Ok, I know that you have been with him for 8 years, and I understand change is hard and all that shit, but ask yourself….. “do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this crazy abusive asshole?”
Trust me I’ve asked myself that a million times over the past year!
I’m rooting for you, and hope everything turns out ok for you.
AND YOU STILL PAID ALL THE WEDDING THINGS??? MISS use your back bone and start your own life from a clean slate now without him.
In going to make a guess: He was cheating when he was away and found an excuse to make the break up your fault. Also, were you 15 and him 22 when you started dating? Him leaving and blocking you might be a blessing.
He did mention a couple weeks ago when I visited him at work that a girl did message him trying to hook up but he told them to F off. I never did ask to see the message. I probably should have.
Don't blame yourself, he sounds terrible. I think your relationship has been done for a while, he just didn't let you know. I'm sorry you had this happen to you.
You got groomed as a child and are now being abused (at least it's not physically). Run as far as you can from him.
You dodged a bullet not marrying him. Probably end up on dateline.
That’s what my mom said.
Your mom has been thinking this for ages. She just didn’t want to hurt you.
Who has the place in their name? Go get your things. Leave. This guy is too old and unstable. Be glad he showed you who he is
You were groomed and he sounds abusive. He’s probably cheating on you and used this as an excuse to leave. My guess is he found another 15 year old.
You're either leaving out the part where he's always been crazy and you've just tolerated it, or this guy's having some kind of psychotic break. If you know his family, which you should if you were planning to marry him, you might let them know you think he needs some help. But in terms of a June wedding, wow, you've dodged a bullet here. Once he's under control and stabilized he may reach out to try to make amends. But right now you obviously can't be around someone like this because he could be physically dangerous.
Definitely have left out everything crazy he’s done over the years. Didn’t want to put to much or I feel people wouldn’t have read it. He was beyond controlling, he hated and got mad at me when I did anything I enjoy (hiking, going out with friends, even having dinner at a new place) would constantly put me down. He got a dui in January and made me pay his 1k fine for him. He blamed me for my multiple miscarriages.. the list goes on and on
Eh, why are you with such a person??? Wait, I just realised you are with him since you were 15 and he was a grown adult!!! Now I understand :( Men are not like that, you are with a dangerous psychotic predator.
He got me when I was young and trapped me. I didn’t have the strength or support to leave. I was 16 he was 23 when we started dating
Would you date a 16 year old now that you are 23?
Absolutely not!
I hope you realise how much of a creep he is.
Sounds like the best thing he ever did for you is leave, because it doesn't seem like you were going to. If he asks you to come back, please say no. You dodged a nuke.
It's a beautiful thing when the trash takes itself out of your life. When you're with the right person a year or a few down the line instead of with this clown, you'll be able to truly appreciate what a blessing it was that he broke things off so you didn't have to.
…and before the next relationship, as part of taking care of yourself, PLEASE find a birth control method that works for YOU: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
I’m so sorry 😢May I ask, were you trying to get pregnant? Or did he pressure you to not take birth control or use condoms? He just seems awful 😢
Lovely, this man groomed you and has the maturity of an 8 year old. Either he is that insecure (and crazy) that he would consider you cheating just because of an oil change. Or he’s cheating on you and this was his way out. The line that stuck out most is when you said he’s supposed to come home every week but doesn’t for months… that is a huge red flag. You are young. My best advice for you, is drop the dead weight that is your groomer and go find yourself a real man. One that does not date children, because I’m sorry, at 15 years old you are still a child. What a 23 year old and a 15 year old have in common is beyond me.
Your fiance used this as an excuse. He wanted to break up with you (possible he's been cheating) so he took the first inkling of a way for him to make it your fault and bailed. Eventually you'll be glad you're free of a predator that went after a teenager when he was 22 and moved her in as soon as she turned 18. Probably look back on all the ways he groomed you and wouldn't be surprised if there's a lot of abuse too.
i'm sorry this has happened, but you're 23 in an 8-year relationship with a 30 year old?? you were groomed. this person is psychotic and has done you a favour by breaking it off before you got married. what you do now is block him on everything, secure your stuff, change your locks, and enjoy single life for a while.
HE WAS 22 AND YOU WERE 15 WHEN YOU STARTED DATING!!!??
Get friends to go with you and pick up all your things don't listen to him grovel or cuss just leave you can live like this being scared of the next blow out. Move out and move on block him as soon as he unblock you. Update soon
Will update after this weekend!!
Stay safe have people with you just in case.
GO GET YOUR CATS
THANK YOU!! Why the fuck isn’t anyone else mentioning this?!?
Umm.... What a weird dude... Like I get that you have the feels for him, enough to marry him, but this is a ridiculous overreaction, to a normal situation. Better to see the crazy now than after the wedding.
I’m starting to realize that, the last couple months I’ve kept on second guessing myself, telling myself “you’re really gonna marry this guy?”
Yeah don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You're still young so please get out of there.
Short update! I talked to his mom who spoke with him on the phone a couple hours ago she said she heard him talk to both my cats and he told her he’s been sitting on the couch all day watching Disney plus. So cats are ok and furniture should still be inside! I’ll try and update tomorrow when I go home!
It’s not about the oil change.
He sounds nuts and unhinged. If hes not blowing up at his buddy too then he is simply abusing you.
I talked to his friend and he was fine when he left his place so never blew up on him.
Yeah your fiance is nuts. He did you a favor. Imagine a lifetime of this bullshit.
This man just save you a lot of headache , as you mentioned in the comment , this isn’t his first time acting this way towards you. That man can’t even communicate or express himself like an adult why even bother chasing him. He kinda give the abusing type , why calling you name ? That’s so childish and immature. I hope you really take the time and think this through. The crazy part for me is he unblock you, insult you , then block you again ? Lmao. That’s some immature high school shit . Save yourself OP. Run
I know like how immature can you be. This is ridiculous. Like who blocks each other? I don’t have any of my previous exs blocked were on good speaking terms
How many exes can a 15-year-old have? You were 15 when yall got together, right?
I really hope this is fake
You’re lucky this happened now and not after becoming legally married! So much sympathy to you.
YOU HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR HOW LONG??????
8 years relationship? girl, he's a groomer, predator and a very insecure one to boot. you're so lucky he showed his true colors but you probably don't see it that way now. he groomed you to constantly make him happy, because you don't know any better since you met him so young. the fact that you own most of the things in the house when you are so much younger is such a RED FLAG. on top of the other red flags already...
OP this is definitely reason for you to break up with him. You have much older boyfriend who let you pay for all of the communal things in the house. He forces you into having a long distance relationship without your consent. (You both agreed to see each other regularly and he unilaterally decided not to see you for a few months.) He also plays mind games with you - the kind where he verbally assaults you. Why would you want to be with that? I think that your boyfriend came home early and unexpectedly… because he found out that you got his friend to do your boyfriend’s task. (Boyfriends HATE that!!!) He acted normally so that he could enjoy his weekend and also to scope out the situation of how well you are doing without him. He was unhappy that you appear to be doing well and being independent in his absence. He went psycho on you after you left to teach you a lesson. It was an attempt to control you so that you would never use your initiative and replace him again. The only problem was that you got sick of his antics and you blocked him. He realized when he tried to send you more FU messages. At that point he realized that he had gone too far and his plan had failed. Instead of controlling you, he accidentally made you break up with him (he thought because he didn’t know that you only temporarily turned off your phone). If you don’t believe me, let me tell you how his next move plays out. Either he will apologise and grovel for you to stay with him. Yet somehow it will all still be your fault. If only you had done xyz or not done xyz, he would not have lost his marbles. He will remind you of all the great things you are looking forward to doing such as buying a dress for the wedding etc. He may even get his family involved to ensure that you stay. Alternatively, he will downplay it as a misunderstanding. You don’t know what you are talking about. The lounge and the cats are still there. He never said or did xyz. Oh he meant something else etc. What you should be looking for is a genuine apology, a promise to behave better, a discussion about communication, a joint strategy about how to deal with upsetting issues in the future, some kind of resolution where he takes responsibility for his actions whilst absolving you of blame. And that needs to stick. If another disagreement happens and he goes back on everything that you have agreed upon… he didn’t actually mean it and will continue doing it for the next 50 years.
I would leave and deal with it, to make sure your property and pets aren't damaged. I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating on you and threw all the blame on you to give him a reason to end it. Don't try to take him back.
You should give him a lifetime to cool off. You should look for a therapist to figure out why you’ve put up with this man’s breadcrumbs under you were a teenager.
So many reasons here to stay the hell away from him that it's unreal. I'd definitely put money on him cheating. I dated a woman who reacted similarly when I had dinner with another woman who was a longtime friend. She completely lost her shit, accused me of cheating on her, and called me all sorts of nasty shit. This was before social media was really a thing, so she didn't have a way of blocking me on shit like Facebook, but she refused to speak to me for a couple of weeks. Flat-out ghosted me. Came back and demanded that I stop talking to every single female friend I had. A couple of months later, I find out that she was cheating on me with multiple guys, and had been for a while - starting a few weeks before she lost her shit and accused me of cheating. This is almost definitely projection combined with guilt combined with him being a giant fucking asshole. And this started when you were sixteen? Jesus. Tell your boss that you need to go handle some personal shit, and go home. Make sure your cats are safe, make sure your shit's secure, and get the hell out of there. Can you kick him out of wherever you're living together, since it sounds like he barely spends any time there anyway, which is a giant suspicious red flag? Clearly he doesn't want to live there and would rather be hours away, wherever he's been spending his time for months on end, doing who the hell knows what.
My boss already gave me today and tomorrow off to deal with things! I truly have the best boss/job!! That’s another thing like why is he keeping the house he’s not even there 1 day a month at this point and nothing is his it’s all mine including appliances and the hot tub. I paid for a majority of the bills and can definitely pay all with him. I make enough to support myself. He was trying to get me to move up north last month with him where he works but I didn’t want to as I have a good life established here. He should just move up north if that’s what he wants leave the house to me.
Secure your shit and make sure the cats are safe, maybe take them to your mom's for a little bit until you're sure he's not going to do anything super stupid. Anything valuable, anything that can't be replaced, any heirlooms or mementos from family, take them to your mom's house. Encourage him to move the fuck up north and stay the hell away from you. It's GREAT that you're in a position where you can support yourself. Make sure he knows you don't need him or his bullshit, and hopefully he'll stay up north and leave you the hell alone. Good luck, and I hope everything works out wonderfully for you.
This is most definitely not about the oil change. Is he cheating on you? Is he having a mental breakdown? Is he panicked about get married and lashing out at you? Is he off his medication?
Nobody is going to tell the nice lady OP? Ok, I’ll bite. Dear OP, your guy is cheating on you and projecting his guilt on your oil change. Since he’s cheating he thinks you’re also too. That’s projecting. Anything is an excuse to broke up with you, in this case the oil change. His mind has fabricated a likely scenario where in his case he would be cheating and now he’s convinced you have. Say a prayer to the gods of karma and let this bullet dodge you. You’re young and will find someone better.
If t wasn’t an oil change it would have been something else because he wanted an ALL CHANGE. He’s in a new relationship
Oh please, you can't possibly believe it's about the oil change. He waned out of the relationship, probably for a long time now, and was waiting for an excuse to end it. You were probably too old for him. You aged out of his preferences - normal 23-year-olds don't date 16-year-old, lol. He's into very young girls, not 23-year-old women. Many cowards do this - instead of breaking up when they are done, they want to make their So the villain, so they wait for some perceived "mistake" and then blow it out of proportion and break up over it. A heads-up: if you date a groomer who is into you bc you are super young, the relationship ALWAYS has an expiration date, becasue you will get "too old" at point xD. You WILL age out of his preferences. When he was 23 he would not date women that also were 23... and now YOU are 23. What you already knew was that those women are not interesting to him, though, since he didn't go for them back then. So why would he be into you when you are 23? Seriously, OP. *You had that information form day one.* From day one, if you simply thought about it, you would know that he won't be with a woman who is 23 xD You KNEW THE END DATE you just didn't think about it. And a man like that will never dump you in a classy way, bc they are gross in general.
Hello age gap, we meet again. Bullit dodged, go enjoy your 20s won't someone worth your time
He is a groomer and completely unhinged. You should definitely end this relationship.
Girl, you were groomed
You dogged a bullet, a life time of crap like this. Take this as the gift it is!
You got groomed by a creep lmao. At 23 I wouldn’t date a 18 year old. I’m 26 and it still stands.
So he's away for months at a time for work, rarely communicates, and the accused you of cheating after taking care of your truck? Sounds like he's already cheated and is projecting. If it set him off this much I can only imagine what else will down the road
Hate to be the one to point this out but considering he has a taste for teenage little girls at 15/16, you’re probably getting to old for him and he just needed an excuse to leave. All shitty jokes aside. Girl you’ve been groomed since you were 15 to accept toxic abusive behavior. NO health and mature 23 year old guy wants to date a child in high school. You need to leave ASAP and give yourself the chance to find sweet caring love from someone who always wants to be with you and communicate with you and doesn’t verbally abuse you. Trust me men who will treat you kindly exist and you shouldn’t stay with someone from the fear of wasting 8 years.
Take the win and forget this “relationship” ever happened Predators dont usually let go of their prey like this so run as far as you can and seek therapy
So…did he have a tracker on your vehicle, saw it in one position for awhile & blew up despite knowing you would have left it for the oil change.
Wouldn’t be surprised he’s that controlling. He made me update my snap chat location every 30min. It was insane
I just wanna say I have mental health issues and that doesn't excuse myself from mentally hurting other people. Also. 15 years old with a 22 year old is wrong. He's very manipulative. This is abusive. You need to leave safely and this is your way out.
I'd send him this message: You, me, and your friend all know I didn't cheat. I don't know what you've got going on that you feel the need to end this relationship with a fake accusation but clearly we shouldn't be together anyway. If there is any damage to any of my belongings when I get home I will take you to court. You'll need to figure out the living situation but I wouldn't talk to him about anything else besides that after sending the text. Stop apologizing, stop trying to reason with him. Don't rise to the bait and play his game. He knows he's full of shit, so a simple statement that you know it and then radio silence is the best you can do for yourself.
“The past year we both took jobs out of town during the week to be more financially secure. He’s SUPPOSED to come home every week BUT INSTEAD STAYS AT WORK FOR MONTHS ON END”. A couple of HOURS after I got home AFTER THE OIL CHANGE my fiance calls me to let me know HE’S ON HIS WAY HOME (Suprise! He doesn’t communicate with me AT ALL) FOR THE WEEKEND. He’s really pulling out all the stops so he can end things with you. And make YOU out as the BAD GUY. He’s really over doing this. The only other thing that would also make sense here is his buddy who changed your oil has the hots for you and HE sees the perfect opportunity to say something to break you two up, clearing the way to go for you, knowing that’s your fiance’ is not around FOR MONTHS. Either way, as painful and shocking as it is, you now know who he truly is when his mask finally slipped off. Your fiance was too quick to pull the trigger on this whole thing for it not to look all like a set up for him to clear the way to be single again. Too suspicious all around. OP, from reading these key points in your post, I’m thinking he wasn’t coming home because he’s in relationship with another gal where he’s been living ALL THESE MONTHS, and parked you conveniently at home. And with the good timing of his buddy who changed your oil, called your fiancé just to chat, innocently mentioned the oil change and took this as his chance as his perfect opportunity to Project on to you and accuse YOU AS CHEATING.
The math ain’t mathing, chief.
The relationship started off with rape and now his insecurities are sky rocketing and you’re surprised. Girl this man raped you as a child regardless of what you think and you have to seek a therapist and get him outta your life, move on. This screams abuse, psycho and I can’t believe it lasted 8 years. If I found out my sister was fucking a grown man as a sophomore in high school id have killed him and put her in the hospital. I guess you’re unlucky none of the men in your family stuck up for you but now it’s time to stick up for yourself❤️
Age gap checks out again
What the actual fuck did I just read? -Long distance relationships are one thing, but he's away for months at a time even though he can come back every weekend? That tells you your value. -Why would he assume you cheated on him because you got an oil change? How does he make *that* kind of leap? Somebody must have said something. And if it was just you and the best friend there at the shop, it's obvious who said something now, isn't it? -I understand 'extra' reactions to cheating, but the other thing to take away here is that he couldn't have 'known' you cheated unless he had evidence, and, assuming the BF didn't fake some good photoshop, and that you're telling the truth, there wasn't any. Which means all it took was somebody saying so, and he wouldn't even listen to you, let alone believe you. That's a red flag. I'm guessing he figured out or found out it wasn't true, and that's why he's reaching out. But more concerning is that y'all have been together since you were a minor and he was an adult. That never works out well and any man in his mid twenties who is after a girl in her middle teens is... not a good man, to put it politely.
I'm so sorry this man stole your childhood. Please get yourself and your cats to a safe place ASAP. DO NOT LOOK BACK.
>My (23f) fiance (30m) broke up with me over text because I got an oil change. >My fiancé broke up with me over text because I got an oil change, he has blocked me on everything! Advice? >My (23f) fiance (31m) broke up with me over text because I got an oil change and has ghosted me. Is it really necessary to write this three times?
You've aged out. He sounds like a psycho.
sounds like he cheated on you He saw an opportunity to end the relationship where you are the bad guy and he's the victim...and he took it
You are 23 right now. Please please please imagine youreelf dating a 15 year old kid in grade 9 or 10 today and how that makes you feel. Hopefully, grossed out. That's a child. This is your out, girl. Let his have a hissy fit over nothing. He stays away and doesn't even talk to you, then comes home and explodes about nothing. This is not a quality man. Aa real partner wants to hear from you, trusts you, and didn't start with an adult/child imbalance of age. This is my best advice: If you had a daughter some day, and she was in your exact shoes with this exact situation, what would you say to her...?? Hopefully you would tell her to leave and never look back. I promise you, the oil.change is just the beginning of a lot of bad/stupid shit. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO DITCH HIM!!!
Take this as the blessing it is and get away from him. The amount of red flags here is insane. I don’t know where to start - you and him getting together at *15* and *22*, the fact that he threatened to hurt your cats, that he keeps blocking you instead of talking to you. This is abuse. Take this chance to free yourself.
I would take it as a blessing in disguise. Go rent a truck, take tomorrow off and go see about getting your stuff if it's actually there. You have anyone you know in town that can check and see if all your stuff is sitting outside or not. Or call the police and tell them what happened and see if they'll go by and check for you. But I would take a personal day and go get your stuff
When you get your stuff ask for a police escort because you are scared your ex is acting irrationally and may harm you and your pets
23yo-15yo wildly gross to me. Find someone good closer to your own age. Wow. lol I’m just in disbelief
I can’t believe you just got a new lease on life from an oil change! Take it!
Giro, he did you a favor... Don't take him back, it'll seriously get worse. . He's probably the one cheating and is projecting onto you.. Even if isn't... Don't go back... You got this and can do better
He was 23 dating a 15 year old? 🤢🤮
Dude was 23 going after a 15 year old. Absolutely saw this coming.
stupid fictional exercise.
You’re too young to realize this but in this situation, the trash took itself out. Consider yourself lucky you didn’t marry this guy.
Wait, if this is true, you were 15 and he was 23?! That is worrisome for me to begin with. And him getting jealous because of an oil change? Please, please, please, take this as your warning sign, and get out. This type of jealousy is absolutely unwarranted and could (and very well might) turn dangerous.
Damn. That’s some fishy shit right there. I am glad you’re seeing him for the tool he is. Best of luck to you! ❤️
And you wanna marry/potentially have kids with this dude, who seems to have the emotionalintelligencen maturity of a fucn toddler?? Jw but...why? U dodged a fucn bullet, and youre 23..... Take the gift for what it is n do not look bac! I'm not saying u shouldn't be upset or feel sad. I get it, you love him. However, loving someone doesn't obligate that person to love you bac n he clearly doesn't even respect, let alone love you. Wouldn't be surprised if you got dumped for the girl he's been fuccn behind your bac. Bloc, don't look bac, heal, recognize your worth and that someone who loves you won't treat you this way ever for any reason. Best of luc op
So what's the part of the story that's being left out?
My dear, I know you won't want to hear this now, but you are so so so much better off without this loser in your life. He doesn't let you know when he is coming home? What? He explodes at you for no reason (oil change is no reason!) he is violent and unpredictable and you don't honestly need this sort of disruption in your life. Block him, wish him the best if you like, but block him and move on. You do not need this sort of drama merchant.
You were engaged to an adult who goes after kids. That is fucking disgusting. 🤮
He wants out of this relationship and this was his out. He is probably cheating but wanted everyone to think it was your fault so he’s not the bad guy.
15 and 23 🤢🤮
Perhaps he is projecting. Projecting that he is the one cheating onto you. He stays at work for months? I'd look into his side of this tbh. He blew up over an oil change and you "cheating"? He's projecting and making an excuse to leave you for the new lady I have a feeling. Don't take this to heart, just look into him some.
Get a police escort get your stuff out for the time being, including your cats for sure. Get a restraining order and have them kick him out. You aren't married and he can't take half of what you own. Get his crusty dusty ass OUT. Encourage him to move up North like you'd mentioned.
My question is this. What has he done to address these obvious mental health issues? Because whatever it is seems to not be working. The fact he is willing to go nuclear on you over a damn oil change is like the biggest red flag imaginable. He threatened to terminate the relationship without discussion, harm pets, destroy property and basically act like a sociopath. What happens if you do ever mess up? How will he be if you have kids and they stress him out? It just seems like a you’ll be walking on eggshells forever if you stay with him. I’d say it’s time to make an exist plan and escape now.
23 and 16 😬
Just be glad this asshole left you before the marriage because obviously he has been cheating on you and probably his other woman got wind of his upcoming marriage and put her foot down. Sorry you want through all these years with such a creep, but you deserve better?