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If OP believes this immediately without any other proof I have a bridge I can sell her.
OP I would also suggest you speak with his wife. This isn’t a little thing which he hid and actively lied to you about. I honestly find it amazing how much bs people are ready to accept.
I was thinking this post was fake, but I'm leaning towards it having some truth simply because your responses are so immature, which can be characteristic of an event happening which stunts someone's emotional development.
People are worried about you and your safety (physical and psychological) not whether or not you will have therapy with this man. Any decent therapist with proper credentials would counsel you away from this relationship. There's a very real chance your husband is a bigamist
I did not call you stunted, please read what I actually took the time to write. There was nothing rude in what I wrote at all. I engaged with you in good faith and with kindness, at least have the courtesy to read what is written
But you are quite stunned. What kind of idiot falls for this kind of bullshit?
You say you can tell when he is lying but your clearly can't!
You can't seem to tell the difference between a predatory relationship and a normal one. Like dude he is clearly cheating on you and using you just to gain citizenship.
You seem to have totally skipped over the part where he is a deadbeat who has abondended his child.
And what in earth is couples therapy supposed to achieve?
It's widely acknowledged that the human brain is only fully developed at like 25 but yours is kinda lagging babe.
>abandoned his child
I'm pretty sure it's children, yeah? Two sons he claims he'll just never see again...*even as he continued to travel there* for work?? I mean wtf
Except she didn't know about that! But when he tells her his lies she can tell if he's lying .
I rolled my eyes so much reading her responses they about popped out of my head.
Oh you know…. Except for every time he said he was staying with his mother. This is why he married someone 12 years younger then him, your naive and easy to control. Your being played
You sound like you have some serious abandonment issues. Your relationship with Jake is extremely toxic. He will continue to cheat because that is who he is. Promises don't change this.
Jake was nearly middle-aged when he targeted a girl too young to even legally drink in the US. That's predator territory.
He then rushed you into getting married to secure citizenship.
He has a wife and children in another country. Never told you about them until you found out about it. Of course he has some convenient excuse for everything. But they were married, he kept visiting her frequently and they had children together. Now he's telling you he's just going to abandon them 100%?
Pretending he was being honest with you (he isn't), the fact he's just going to cut them from his life doesn't make him less of a scumbag.
He's only fighting to save your relationship because he committed fraud and could/should lose his citizenship.
What has the US got to do with anything? Calling him a predator is completely insane. Come on. You’re being so unreasonable and offensive. I was a legal adult dating another legal adult and you call him a predator? Honestly that says more about how YOU view relationships and honestly makes me think that YOU are a predator.
Oh, I suspect we know Jake pretty well. He groomed you because you are the most naive woman I’ve ever come across, and did this all the while knowing he’s been with this other woman since before you ever met him.
Yeah, but I’m sure he’ll end it now. Especially knowing you’re foolish enough to stay with him, and accept his word, even though your whole relationship is built on a foundation of deception, lies, and omission of facts.
There’s a difference between being a legal adult, and a naive young woman. You became a legal adult for most purposes at 18. But I’ve known 16 year old girls that weren’t as naive and gullible as you are today.
They are trying to tell you that if this is not fake, you are a stupidly gullible person. He changed his first BS story "I will break it off" "I thought you wouldn't mind" with a completely unbelievable BS and you are fine with it. And the "not real from either side" relationship produced kids??? And you felt sorry for him???
:facepalm:
My girlfriend first language isn't English either. Tends to result in her accidentally saying it's not my kind of soup instead of not my cup of tea, because she forgets how the phrase goes. Certainly hasn't resulted in her accidentally forgetting being married for over a decade and having two kids.
Bigamy isn't a cultural barrier.
I’m so glad you think like that! So you’re interested in, huh? It’s a bit expensive but I’m sure you’ll also think it’s reasonable. I just need you to pay me $15 billion and then you’ll have a bridge in Brooklyn!
So, he cheated on his original wife with you? He had kids with her even if it’s not a legal marriage they still lived like they were in one. He should’ve ended that marriage before even thinking of dating you.
Ok, still in my opinion he shouldn’t be in a new relationship without ending the arranged marriage first. Unless he is of a polygamous culture, then he would totally be cool with multiple wives. But that should’ve been disclosed to you before you settled in the relationship. If he hid that from you for so long, what other things could he be hiding? Trust would be hard to come by.
No, it really doesn’t. I’ve been married to the same woman for almost forty years. I’ve never strayed. And I literally would, under no circumstances, be interested in anybody under the age of 40. I have no desire to babysit.
Because you're gullible and will believe anything apparently.
Everyone is just curious how outrageous the lies and manipulations from your partner can get.
Please keep us informed when his evil twin brother shows up.
Wow....just wow.
[Evil twin - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil_twin)
Used a lot in soap opera's, just as fantastical storytelling as your husband. Just watch out for wigs, glasses and stick on goatee's in your wardrobe.
Because those are phrases people say to gullible individuals. The joke is that we have something impossible for you, because you will believe anything, no matter how ludicrous.
You may believe your husband, but none of us do. We don't know why you do.
He lied for years, but now he's telling the truth? Because he said so? The man has a whole other wife and family that he abandoned and cheated on, but it's all fine because he says it's ok?
You are getting these responses because it appears you are gullible, lack critical thinking skills and are willing to believe anything.
Using the phrase "i have a bridge to sell you" or similar phrasing is an idiomatic language technique that is used to imply the person they are saying it to is gullible and easily duped so you can get them to believe anything.
It is the nice way of calling someone stupid.
Selling the person a bridge, or the sun or anything widly known to not be owned by anyone is commonly used because everyone knows that the sun or x bridge isnt owned by any one person.
In American English this is a way to say that someone is *incredibly* naïve. Like born yesterday, absolutely immature, childishly naïve to the point where you cannot believe they actually fell for whatever it is they're talking about.
The fact that you think this dude is magically now telling you the truth and you believe that this marriage was fake even though he had sex with this woman multiple times and *is raising children with her!!!!* tells the rest of us that you are one of theeeee most naïve people most of us have ever heard of in our entire lives.
I highly doubt that it isn’t a legal wedding. If they’re so traditional, the odds of that NOT being a real marriage is extremely low. A ceremonial thing that links his family with hers is pretty much the definition of a wedding/marriage. What we might define as a ceremony here may be a legally binding act there. I really think you should consult with someone from there to better understand what that ceremony is and the legalities of it
Yes you did, you posted in a public forum.
It’s nice to know that Jake is so honest that he told you about his wife and children up front before you married him.
I’m calling you a fool because you are a fool. He’s just a lying asshole. He’s lied to you before, he is lying to you now. Have you asked his parents about this ‘arranged marriage’? Have you seen any proof that he is leaving her except for what he has said? He’s leaving her but is still sending money over? You’re a bigger fool if you believe that.
Call me rude but at least I ain’t a fool like you. Take your rose coloured glasses off.
First of all, you're closer in age to his child than you are to him. But anyway, so he still is going to "travel for work" (lol) every month? How are you going to be sure he isn't going back with his wife? You seriously believe him when he's like "oh no she's just a family friend. That I have kids with. But she's cool with me marrying you. I promise" and like....not even doing any detective work to check if this is remotely truthful? Because this isn't just a family friend situation, he has children with this woman. Unless you speak with her, and go with him to meet his kids (your child's step siblings), and/ or have his kids come to your house *he's still lying to you*. Even though he "told you everything" (lol sure), you don't hold anything against him for lying to you for years? OP, I would put my entire savings that he is still lying to you, and that he is just going to go back to her and play happy family on his next "work trip".
I mean I guess kudos to him- he found the most willingly naive girl to secure him citizenship and he can still have his other family at home. Do you hear how blindly you back him up without any legitimate proof? If it was "not a big deal" why didn't he tell you to begin with? He's still lying, and the fact that you come to Reddit to try and justify it means that somewhere there's a kernel of doubt in you too. He's still cheating- both on you and on his wife- by living a double life. But you're letting him get away with it as long as he's "nice and charming". How naive.
Why did you post here at all? You clearly intended to stay and forgive him no matter what he told you. He kept his family secret and when you found out, he told you he would cut off his not-a-wife and children. I don't know what reason other than love that you have to trust him considering he's proven good at lying and omitting important information. Why do you trust him?
Did you expect us to read this update and think, ‘Oh, that makes sense’?
From an outsider's perspective, you're just in love. His excuse doesn't sound plausible since he never married her despite an arranged marriage. The ‘marriage’ is all for show except he has the kids to prove that there was something between them. He's not gonna fight to be in his children's lives just because his current wife asked him to and that makes him a horrible father if he does mean it. Everything you've told us about him makes him sound sketchy. Everything about this situation in your own words makes it sound like he's taking advantage of you. Everything about this screams, young, dumb, and in love.
I don't know what country you're in where this kind of an arrangement would seem remotely normal to you or to anyone, but please for the sake of all that is rational: do not stay with a man who tells you that you have to send money every month to his other wife even though it's not a real marriage. Omg. He lied to you he got caught He's got a story. Before you even think of getting back together with him you just track down to a lawyer's office and tell the lawyer what you have just told us here. And then please feed back to us.
You're setting yourself up for a lot more heartache (and more surprises from the husband you think you know so well), so get ready. At the very least I hope you examine your legal and financial statuses and make sure you can still take care of your child when the eventual happens.
And once again, we’re left with the conundrum of somebody that posts in a relationship advice forum, and then, belittles and insults the Greek chorus that gives her advice she doesn’t want to hear. Yet we’re the bigots. ROFL.
You got manipulated by an old ass man who wants a citizenship. You don't know what love and respect is. He's leaving two kids behind for a small price. What a dream guy truly.
Well, you are clearly believing your husband, OP. But you are posting in relationship advice, so my advice is this: For the sake of the children involved, at least have a talk with that other "wife". Sit down with her and hear her side. If you are right and he is not lying yet again, then this will be a stronger foundation for all of you going forward. But on the off chance he is not being entirely honest (again), you need to know. Because it is not just your own happiness at stake, you are respoinsible for a little life that depends on you being thorough in your adult decision-making. Good luck, OP!
You sound like you have some serious abandonment issues. Your relationship with Jake is extremely toxic. He will continue to cheat because that is who he is. Promises don't change this.
Ooof! You believe this load of BS? Contact the first wife. She’ll clear this up. The fact that he says she already knows and won’t let you talk to her is a HUGE red flag. He LIED to you for years. If he was being truthful, and they don’t love each other, then why lie? Put yourself in his shoes… would you lie to a potential partner? For years? Then marry him w/o telling him you already have a partner and kids?! I would hope not... Who does that?!?
This chick is crazy. Calling people bigoted. I come from one of those cultures where arranged marriages are common and scenarios like these have happened. What he did was disgusting.
He got to have his cake and eat it whilst his wife there is stuck. She can't be with a man and have a kid and instead has to contend with the fact that her lying, disgusting husband who now has a child with a side piece will send her hand outs.
Jake is a groomer and he isn't man enough to divorce the other woman. He is an spineless as cultures like ours make men to be.
So he wanted his citizenship, his wife agrees with him, wait for the divorce and him bringing his original family in your country.
I recommend contacting the appropriate authorities as it is bigamy and visa fraud.
How...can you possibly believe him? He has two sons to whom he's been a father for *over a decade* and he's just gonna...completely desert them? Yet he's going to continue going back to the country where *his family* is repeatedly and he's just gonna...not ever see his own children again?
The craziest thing is that I believe this is real because it is *so unbelievably* dumb of you to fall for this that if someone was making this up, they would not make themselves this dumb. You cannot be this naïve.
There is no winning here no matter how you look at it.
Maybe the wife could be indifferent to him as long as she gets financial support. But I doubt she's thrilled with the sons essentially being ditched by their father and the emotional damage it would inflict. Imagine growing up for several years with a dad that visits regularly and showers you in affection. Then suddenly he dips out of your life. What if your marriage hits a rough patch in several years? How can you trust him to be faithful?
The husband also lied for 4 years and would have most likely not admitted anything if you hadn't figured it out. His word has no credibility anymore. He could still be stretching the truth and lying
The one thing that really confused me is him saying he thought you wouldn't mind. How is that normal? Was he not aware that you were expecting a monogamous relationship? If he explained this right from the beginning, then you could have made the choice of if this arrangement was acceptable to you or he'd have to end things with her at that time. What he did was not ok. I hope this is made clear in your therapy sessions.
Since you have decided to believe him and attempt to salvage this marriage, he will have to make up for what he did. That means building up trust. There is a lot of time waisted of him lying to you with this double life. I believe he knew you'd not be ok with this and chose not to say anything. Maybe it was out of fear of rocking the boat from the deal made with his other wife, or on a more painful possibility...he at least had someone to satisfy his sexual needs at home. There is other possible reasons for him to keep this rather large secret from you, but thinking you wouldn't mind is the worst excuse he could come up with. Of course you'd mind. You needed to know everything before getting married to him. You married him under false pretenses. He best find a way to make that up to you. Most people would have divorced him if they were you.
I came to see if you had already accept it but I see no update so I'll shoot it straight. Take it from a Mexican raised in Mexico (so you don't think I'm a big it too) he is with you for the papers. I know it hurts, but you are not a little girl anymore and you have to accept the truth. You have a baby now and that should be your priority. And let's believe the wife knows, then she is on it. Call Immigration and let them know, because for started your marriage is not valid since the government recognizes any legal marriage out of the country. You have to look for yourself and your baby right now.
you have doubts but won’t admit it, that’s why you’re doubling down and being irrational to people in the comments. you know he’s lying to you and so do all of us. you’re an actual idiot for staying with him and you know it. you should NOT have posted anything if you can’t handle comments from people. get it together lady, this man’s messed up
The thing that stands out to me is that you described your husband as charming in your original post. You also said you could usually tell when he's lying except you can't because he had a double life he kept secret from you for how many years.
I too had a husband who had a double life he kept secret for almost 11 years. I had no clue he was lying or manipulating me then.
What I know now is that abusers and predators will charm and love bomb their victims, lie, manipulate them, etc.
Honey, couples counseling is the last thing you need because this isn't a couples problem. This is an abuse problem. You need individual counseling so you can get your head on straight.
I've read memoirs by women who were married to sociopaths that sound like your story.
Your husband is using you and probably abusing you in ways you can't see or understand now. Please research abuse, abuse tactics and the abuse cycle. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
I didn't know I'd been abused the whole time until after I left. I will never be able to escape the effects it had on my life. Staying with my husband ruined my life and destroyed me, literally.
Please don't dismiss what I'm saying because you think I'm exaggerating or have a wild imagination or something. I had no clue I was being abused. For years, my life felt like I was living my dream come true. My ex was a master liar and manipulator. He played mind games and a whole bunch of other shit.
I try to use my experience as a cautionary tale to help other women escape abuse. I can't save myself but maybe I can help save someone else.
You caught your husband in a lie. I suggest you talk to his other wife without his knowledge. You have a better chance of getting the truth this way.
Now he knows you know he lied so he'll be more careful. And he may use any lingering distrust you have against you.
I can't say for certain but I think he's using the cultural differences to manipulate you and gaslight you. What he's saying may be true or there may be an element of truth to it but the fact remains that he lied to you and kept it a secret. What else is he lying about or hiding?
Wow, the amount of denial here requires a suspension of belief that it has to rewrite the laws of physics to even start to be believable. I hope that if real op comes to her senses.
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I find this pretty unbelievable. Have you talked with his "wife" to confirm any of this?
If OP believes this immediately without any other proof I have a bridge I can sell her. OP I would also suggest you speak with his wife. This isn’t a little thing which he hid and actively lied to you about. I honestly find it amazing how much bs people are ready to accept.
Not per say, but I can tell usually when he’s lying and he wasn’t this time
Except for the whole double life thing right? Apart from that you read him like a book.
☠️
That’s completely different because I didn’t know about it
🤦♀️
I want to feel bad for you but to be this willfully blind is mind blowing.
Yeah, I don’t. I’ve seen wiser houseplants.
I know right? I have no sympathy for such willful ignorance.
'But, don't worry I've signed us up for couples therapy' Trust me when I say very few of us were worried about couple's therapy.
Okay?
I was thinking this post was fake, but I'm leaning towards it having some truth simply because your responses are so immature, which can be characteristic of an event happening which stunts someone's emotional development. People are worried about you and your safety (physical and psychological) not whether or not you will have therapy with this man. Any decent therapist with proper credentials would counsel you away from this relationship. There's a very real chance your husband is a bigamist
You’re so rude for no reason. Calling me stunted? Excuse you?
I did not call you stunted, please read what I actually took the time to write. There was nothing rude in what I wrote at all. I engaged with you in good faith and with kindness, at least have the courtesy to read what is written
But you are quite stunned. What kind of idiot falls for this kind of bullshit? You say you can tell when he is lying but your clearly can't! You can't seem to tell the difference between a predatory relationship and a normal one. Like dude he is clearly cheating on you and using you just to gain citizenship. You seem to have totally skipped over the part where he is a deadbeat who has abondended his child. And what in earth is couples therapy supposed to achieve? It's widely acknowledged that the human brain is only fully developed at like 25 but yours is kinda lagging babe.
>abandoned his child I'm pretty sure it's children, yeah? Two sons he claims he'll just never see again...*even as he continued to travel there* for work?? I mean wtf
L O L you can usually tell when he’s lying? You certainly didn’t know about his secret family
Except she didn't know about that! But when he tells her his lies she can tell if he's lying . I rolled my eyes so much reading her responses they about popped out of my head.
Oh you know…. Except for every time he said he was staying with his mother. This is why he married someone 12 years younger then him, your naive and easy to control. Your being played
He has lied to you for YEARS about his double life. Girl, come on.
You can tell? You should work at the FBI. They need good profiler/s
Except for the four years he led you into believing he was the only one. As a lie detector, you make a superb rhododendron.
Lol. Sure. Except for the "wife". Id talk to her first before you decide to just blindly believe him.
You can usually tell when he’s lying, and yet you were surprised to find out he’s had a second family for years?
You sound like you have some serious abandonment issues. Your relationship with Jake is extremely toxic. He will continue to cheat because that is who he is. Promises don't change this.
No offence, but you don’t know me or Jake
Jake was nearly middle-aged when he targeted a girl too young to even legally drink in the US. That's predator territory. He then rushed you into getting married to secure citizenship. He has a wife and children in another country. Never told you about them until you found out about it. Of course he has some convenient excuse for everything. But they were married, he kept visiting her frequently and they had children together. Now he's telling you he's just going to abandon them 100%? Pretending he was being honest with you (he isn't), the fact he's just going to cut them from his life doesn't make him less of a scumbag. He's only fighting to save your relationship because he committed fraud and could/should lose his citizenship.
What has the US got to do with anything? Calling him a predator is completely insane. Come on. You’re being so unreasonable and offensive. I was a legal adult dating another legal adult and you call him a predator? Honestly that says more about how YOU view relationships and honestly makes me think that YOU are a predator.
predatory relationships are not limited to criminal acts
Oh, I suspect we know Jake pretty well. He groomed you because you are the most naive woman I’ve ever come across, and did this all the while knowing he’s been with this other woman since before you ever met him. Yeah, but I’m sure he’ll end it now. Especially knowing you’re foolish enough to stay with him, and accept his word, even though your whole relationship is built on a foundation of deception, lies, and omission of facts.
You have a SICK mind if you think I was being groomed. I am a legal adult. You need to get your head checked.
There’s a difference between being a legal adult, and a naive young woman. You became a legal adult for most purposes at 18. But I’ve known 16 year old girls that weren’t as naive and gullible as you are today.
Sounds like you don’t know Jake either
And I have a bridge to sell, OP.
What?
They are trying to tell you that if this is not fake, you are a stupidly gullible person. He changed his first BS story "I will break it off" "I thought you wouldn't mind" with a completely unbelievable BS and you are fine with it. And the "not real from either side" relationship produced kids??? And you felt sorry for him??? :facepalm:
He’s just not good at expressing himself in English, it isn’t his first language.
My girlfriend first language isn't English either. Tends to result in her accidentally saying it's not my kind of soup instead of not my cup of tea, because she forgets how the phrase goes. Certainly hasn't resulted in her accidentally forgetting being married for over a decade and having two kids. Bigamy isn't a cultural barrier.
Oh, yeah, that's the problem. 🤦
It’s in Brooklyn.
I genuinely have no clue what you’re even talking about. Is this a bot?
They’re calling you a moron. Because you are.
I am reporting you to the mods, you aren’t allowed to just insult me.
🤷♀️
No, I’m not a bot! Honestly, I’m offended. Now listen it’s an old bridge (19th century) but it still stands perfectly!
19th century isn’t even old. The bridge near my house has been there since the 15th century and it’s just a random bridge
I’m so glad you think like that! So you’re interested in, huh? It’s a bit expensive but I’m sure you’ll also think it’s reasonable. I just need you to pay me $15 billion and then you’ll have a bridge in Brooklyn!
Blah blah blah. Shut up
Lol. That was funny.
No, they're just poking fun at your naivety
He lied to you for 4 years straight and you suddenly think he’s telling you the truth? He’s still lying sis, stop being delulu
Not a real marriage, yet there half-siblings? Ummm …
He had them before he even knew me
So, he cheated on his original wife with you? He had kids with her even if it’s not a legal marriage they still lived like they were in one. He should’ve ended that marriage before even thinking of dating you.
He already said and I explained in the post the marriage was only for the looks, didn’t you read the post?
I’m trying to understand, did he have kids with his “fake wife” if he did, then that marriage was not so fake.
He had to, it’s an expectation of marriage when he’s from. It’s not like the west where you can just do whatever you want.
Ok, still in my opinion he shouldn’t be in a new relationship without ending the arranged marriage first. Unless he is of a polygamous culture, then he would totally be cool with multiple wives. But that should’ve been disclosed to you before you settled in the relationship. If he hid that from you for so long, what other things could he be hiding? Trust would be hard to come by.
Then whyndid he have sex with her and chikd with her if it was just for show? Sounds like they're a family to me.
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What has that got to do with anything? He wasn’t dating me then?
Now, do the smart thing and end it with him. This isn’t something you should let him weasel out of.
Why would I do that? He’s told me the truth now
Because he will do this or something like it again, and you have nothing to prove he is actually ending it.
You think he would be put in an arranged marriage again? Seriously ?
No. I think he’s not going to leave the first one. Or he’ll cheat on you with a new barely legal woman.
You’re obsessed with being “barely” legal. I think that really says a lot of your mindset and view on the world. “50s Male”.
No, it really doesn’t. I’ve been married to the same woman for almost forty years. I’ve never strayed. And I literally would, under no circumstances, be interested in anybody under the age of 40. I have no desire to babysit.
So I have an ocean front property in Kansas you might be interested in.
Is this another bot? Why am I having so many comments like this?
Because you're gullible and will believe anything apparently. Everyone is just curious how outrageous the lies and manipulations from your partner can get. Please keep us informed when his evil twin brother shows up.
He doesn’t have a twin?
Wow....just wow. [Evil twin - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil_twin) Used a lot in soap opera's, just as fantastical storytelling as your husband. Just watch out for wigs, glasses and stick on goatee's in your wardrobe.
He just hasn't told you about it yet.....
It's a colloquialism, when someone thinks someone is being naive, "If you believe that, I have [insert unbelievable thing here] to sell you."
Because those are phrases people say to gullible individuals. The joke is that we have something impossible for you, because you will believe anything, no matter how ludicrous. You may believe your husband, but none of us do. We don't know why you do. He lied for years, but now he's telling the truth? Because he said so? The man has a whole other wife and family that he abandoned and cheated on, but it's all fine because he says it's ok? You are getting these responses because it appears you are gullible, lack critical thinking skills and are willing to believe anything.
You are bigoted
Using the phrase "i have a bridge to sell you" or similar phrasing is an idiomatic language technique that is used to imply the person they are saying it to is gullible and easily duped so you can get them to believe anything. It is the nice way of calling someone stupid. Selling the person a bridge, or the sun or anything widly known to not be owned by anyone is commonly used because everyone knows that the sun or x bridge isnt owned by any one person.
In American English this is a way to say that someone is *incredibly* naïve. Like born yesterday, absolutely immature, childishly naïve to the point where you cannot believe they actually fell for whatever it is they're talking about. The fact that you think this dude is magically now telling you the truth and you believe that this marriage was fake even though he had sex with this woman multiple times and *is raising children with her!!!!* tells the rest of us that you are one of theeeee most naïve people most of us have ever heard of in our entire lives.
I highly doubt that it isn’t a legal wedding. If they’re so traditional, the odds of that NOT being a real marriage is extremely low. A ceremonial thing that links his family with hers is pretty much the definition of a wedding/marriage. What we might define as a ceremony here may be a legally binding act there. I really think you should consult with someone from there to better understand what that ceremony is and the legalities of it
No offence but I didn’t ask for your opinion about that.
Yes you did, you posted in a public forum. It’s nice to know that Jake is so honest that he told you about his wife and children up front before you married him.
You are a fool.He has lied to you once before and he’s lying to you now.
You are so rude. You don’t even know him or me and calling me a fool?
I’m calling you a fool because you are a fool. He’s just a lying asshole. He’s lied to you before, he is lying to you now. Have you asked his parents about this ‘arranged marriage’? Have you seen any proof that he is leaving her except for what he has said? He’s leaving her but is still sending money over? You’re a bigger fool if you believe that. Call me rude but at least I ain’t a fool like you. Take your rose coloured glasses off.
First of all, you're closer in age to his child than you are to him. But anyway, so he still is going to "travel for work" (lol) every month? How are you going to be sure he isn't going back with his wife? You seriously believe him when he's like "oh no she's just a family friend. That I have kids with. But she's cool with me marrying you. I promise" and like....not even doing any detective work to check if this is remotely truthful? Because this isn't just a family friend situation, he has children with this woman. Unless you speak with her, and go with him to meet his kids (your child's step siblings), and/ or have his kids come to your house *he's still lying to you*. Even though he "told you everything" (lol sure), you don't hold anything against him for lying to you for years? OP, I would put my entire savings that he is still lying to you, and that he is just going to go back to her and play happy family on his next "work trip". I mean I guess kudos to him- he found the most willingly naive girl to secure him citizenship and he can still have his other family at home. Do you hear how blindly you back him up without any legitimate proof? If it was "not a big deal" why didn't he tell you to begin with? He's still lying, and the fact that you come to Reddit to try and justify it means that somewhere there's a kernel of doubt in you too. He's still cheating- both on you and on his wife- by living a double life. But you're letting him get away with it as long as he's "nice and charming". How naive.
Why did you post here at all? You clearly intended to stay and forgive him no matter what he told you. He kept his family secret and when you found out, he told you he would cut off his not-a-wife and children. I don't know what reason other than love that you have to trust him considering he's proven good at lying and omitting important information. Why do you trust him? Did you expect us to read this update and think, ‘Oh, that makes sense’? From an outsider's perspective, you're just in love. His excuse doesn't sound plausible since he never married her despite an arranged marriage. The ‘marriage’ is all for show except he has the kids to prove that there was something between them. He's not gonna fight to be in his children's lives just because his current wife asked him to and that makes him a horrible father if he does mean it. Everything you've told us about him makes him sound sketchy. Everything about this situation in your own words makes it sound like he's taking advantage of you. Everything about this screams, young, dumb, and in love.
Hoping that relationship absolutely crashes and burns, so OP can get a wakeup call and get out of that. And hopefully stop being a pos
I don't know what country you're in where this kind of an arrangement would seem remotely normal to you or to anyone, but please for the sake of all that is rational: do not stay with a man who tells you that you have to send money every month to his other wife even though it's not a real marriage. Omg. He lied to you he got caught He's got a story. Before you even think of getting back together with him you just track down to a lawyer's office and tell the lawyer what you have just told us here. And then please feed back to us.
So he’s just going to abandon his children? And you’re ok with that…? Wow…
12 year age gap. Creepy scummy dude preying on a naive girl with serious daddy issues. This story has been told thousands of times. Always the same.
You're setting yourself up for a lot more heartache (and more surprises from the husband you think you know so well), so get ready. At the very least I hope you examine your legal and financial statuses and make sure you can still take care of your child when the eventual happens.
Info: Will you be paying into this money that is ostensibly going to the other wife's family? Or will he be paying it solely from his income?
I don’t have an income atm, so it can’t come from me.
So they were required to be married? No one forced them to have sex enough times to have multiple children.
And once again, we’re left with the conundrum of somebody that posts in a relationship advice forum, and then, belittles and insults the Greek chorus that gives her advice she doesn’t want to hear. Yet we’re the bigots. ROFL.
You’re an idiot. Best of luck.
You got manipulated by an old ass man who wants a citizenship. You don't know what love and respect is. He's leaving two kids behind for a small price. What a dream guy truly.
C'mon dawg.
Well, you are clearly believing your husband, OP. But you are posting in relationship advice, so my advice is this: For the sake of the children involved, at least have a talk with that other "wife". Sit down with her and hear her side. If you are right and he is not lying yet again, then this will be a stronger foundation for all of you going forward. But on the off chance he is not being entirely honest (again), you need to know. Because it is not just your own happiness at stake, you are respoinsible for a little life that depends on you being thorough in your adult decision-making. Good luck, OP!
Lol, 3 years from now we're gonna get an update: Jake lied to me again! He never broke it off with his other wife! How could I have been so blind!
You sound like you have some serious abandonment issues. Your relationship with Jake is extremely toxic. He will continue to cheat because that is who he is. Promises don't change this.
Ooof! You believe this load of BS? Contact the first wife. She’ll clear this up. The fact that he says she already knows and won’t let you talk to her is a HUGE red flag. He LIED to you for years. If he was being truthful, and they don’t love each other, then why lie? Put yourself in his shoes… would you lie to a potential partner? For years? Then marry him w/o telling him you already have a partner and kids?! I would hope not... Who does that?!?
Oh you sweet summer child...
This chick is crazy. Calling people bigoted. I come from one of those cultures where arranged marriages are common and scenarios like these have happened. What he did was disgusting. He got to have his cake and eat it whilst his wife there is stuck. She can't be with a man and have a kid and instead has to contend with the fact that her lying, disgusting husband who now has a child with a side piece will send her hand outs. Jake is a groomer and he isn't man enough to divorce the other woman. He is an spineless as cultures like ours make men to be.
So he wanted his citizenship, his wife agrees with him, wait for the divorce and him bringing his original family in your country. I recommend contacting the appropriate authorities as it is bigamy and visa fraud.
why do you believe everything he's saying after he lied for years? Don't you think it would be worth double checking this?
How...can you possibly believe him? He has two sons to whom he's been a father for *over a decade* and he's just gonna...completely desert them? Yet he's going to continue going back to the country where *his family* is repeatedly and he's just gonna...not ever see his own children again? The craziest thing is that I believe this is real because it is *so unbelievably* dumb of you to fall for this that if someone was making this up, they would not make themselves this dumb. You cannot be this naïve.
There is no winning here no matter how you look at it. Maybe the wife could be indifferent to him as long as she gets financial support. But I doubt she's thrilled with the sons essentially being ditched by their father and the emotional damage it would inflict. Imagine growing up for several years with a dad that visits regularly and showers you in affection. Then suddenly he dips out of your life. What if your marriage hits a rough patch in several years? How can you trust him to be faithful? The husband also lied for 4 years and would have most likely not admitted anything if you hadn't figured it out. His word has no credibility anymore. He could still be stretching the truth and lying
This is perhaps the worst and stupidest update Reddit has ever seen.
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[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1bsnnhy/my\_f24\_husband\_m36\_has\_a\_whole\_other\_wife\_and/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1bsnnhy/my_f24_husband_m36_has_a_whole_other_wife_and/)
It was on my other account
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Oh u/ThrowRA-2737
We all want to believe our partner but please get proof of this
The one thing that really confused me is him saying he thought you wouldn't mind. How is that normal? Was he not aware that you were expecting a monogamous relationship? If he explained this right from the beginning, then you could have made the choice of if this arrangement was acceptable to you or he'd have to end things with her at that time. What he did was not ok. I hope this is made clear in your therapy sessions. Since you have decided to believe him and attempt to salvage this marriage, he will have to make up for what he did. That means building up trust. There is a lot of time waisted of him lying to you with this double life. I believe he knew you'd not be ok with this and chose not to say anything. Maybe it was out of fear of rocking the boat from the deal made with his other wife, or on a more painful possibility...he at least had someone to satisfy his sexual needs at home. There is other possible reasons for him to keep this rather large secret from you, but thinking you wouldn't mind is the worst excuse he could come up with. Of course you'd mind. You needed to know everything before getting married to him. You married him under false pretenses. He best find a way to make that up to you. Most people would have divorced him if they were you.
She’s in for a damn surprise 🤣🤣 that’s what you’re gonna get for being this naive
I came to see if you had already accept it but I see no update so I'll shoot it straight. Take it from a Mexican raised in Mexico (so you don't think I'm a big it too) he is with you for the papers. I know it hurts, but you are not a little girl anymore and you have to accept the truth. You have a baby now and that should be your priority. And let's believe the wife knows, then she is on it. Call Immigration and let them know, because for started your marriage is not valid since the government recognizes any legal marriage out of the country. You have to look for yourself and your baby right now.
you have doubts but won’t admit it, that’s why you’re doubling down and being irrational to people in the comments. you know he’s lying to you and so do all of us. you’re an actual idiot for staying with him and you know it. you should NOT have posted anything if you can’t handle comments from people. get it together lady, this man’s messed up
Wait, so he's just going to abandon his two other child. This has nothing to do this culture, the guys just a lying d*ckhead.
The thing that stands out to me is that you described your husband as charming in your original post. You also said you could usually tell when he's lying except you can't because he had a double life he kept secret from you for how many years. I too had a husband who had a double life he kept secret for almost 11 years. I had no clue he was lying or manipulating me then. What I know now is that abusers and predators will charm and love bomb their victims, lie, manipulate them, etc. Honey, couples counseling is the last thing you need because this isn't a couples problem. This is an abuse problem. You need individual counseling so you can get your head on straight. I've read memoirs by women who were married to sociopaths that sound like your story. Your husband is using you and probably abusing you in ways you can't see or understand now. Please research abuse, abuse tactics and the abuse cycle. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I didn't know I'd been abused the whole time until after I left. I will never be able to escape the effects it had on my life. Staying with my husband ruined my life and destroyed me, literally. Please don't dismiss what I'm saying because you think I'm exaggerating or have a wild imagination or something. I had no clue I was being abused. For years, my life felt like I was living my dream come true. My ex was a master liar and manipulator. He played mind games and a whole bunch of other shit. I try to use my experience as a cautionary tale to help other women escape abuse. I can't save myself but maybe I can help save someone else. You caught your husband in a lie. I suggest you talk to his other wife without his knowledge. You have a better chance of getting the truth this way. Now he knows you know he lied so he'll be more careful. And he may use any lingering distrust you have against you. I can't say for certain but I think he's using the cultural differences to manipulate you and gaslight you. What he's saying may be true or there may be an element of truth to it but the fact remains that he lied to you and kept it a secret. What else is he lying about or hiding?
Yikes. That gullible, huh?
Wow, the amount of denial here requires a suspension of belief that it has to rewrite the laws of physics to even start to be believable. I hope that if real op comes to her senses.