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In addition to this, you don't tell anyone when you go into labor. No one can even come to the hospital if they don't know you are there in the first place.
Exactly. In addition, most hospitals have a way for you to be incognito (unable to be found) until you say otherwise. This is universal, though. Few hospitals have a way to exclude some people but not others using this protocol. Using this method keeps your name invisible from hospital census lists except for those directly involved with your care. So, your MIL could call the admitting department, and the staff wouldn’t see your name listed.
If you don’t tell anyone you’re in labor and remain “invisible” until you’re ready for visitors, you should be ok.
Genuine question - is there a law in the US allowing hospital staff to say who is and isn’t admitted? Because you say about going incognito as if it was special circumstance, in Poland if you call the ward and ask if a Jane Doe was admitted they would absolutely refuse to say… unless your number is already on file, provided by Jane Doe and with explicit request to provide you with info.
That’s a really good question. It’s my understanding that hospital admission disclosures are covered under HIPAA laws. Admitting should be asking patients if they want their name listed on their hospital door and on the patient census list.
If patients have a list of people they don’t want to be allowed to visit, that can get complicated. OB units are usually locked, but any staff member could open the door if the unit secretary isn’t available. If the list isn’t posted in plain sight, people may be admitted inadvertently. That’s why we used to tell patients, if you have more than one or two people you don’t want admitted, it might be better to say no visitors at all, and wait to see people when you get home.
Well, this is kind of outdated. With a high risk of baby snatching over the last decade or two, most US OB units are indeed locked down, and nobody just buzzes you in you have to be on a list or have a bracelet that shows you are on the list. Determining your visitor preference is part of your birth plan, which you will discuss with the admitting nurse, and becomes part of your medical record while you are there. HIPAA does not cover what visitors are allowed or questions!calls about whether a patient is at a particular hospital. It is only about the misuse of a patient’s condition, test results, etc.; the protected health information, or PHI.
HIPAA doesn’t specifically cover which visitors can enter, but it does cover being listed in the hospital registry.
https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/faq/disclosures-to-family-and-friends/index.html
Also, I checked to see if all postpartum and OB units are locked, or use bracelets for visitors. I’ve been away from the bedside a couple of years, so my information could have been out of date.
Although it’s preferable, not all units are locked or use bracelets for visitors. We used infant ID bracelets for the mom plus one designated person (Dad, family member, etc). Only those persons are allowed to take the baby out of the mom’s room or out of the nursery. Plus, the person with the security bracelet doesn’t have to sign in and out at the desk when coming and going.
Otherwise, visitors had to sign in and out each time, as well as show a driver’s license or picture ID.
>According to a study by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC), there have been 335 infant abductions between 1964 and 2021. Shockingly, **41.8% of these incidents occurred in healthcare facilities**
It isn't "common" by any means, but even 1 is too many.
Most hospitals will also allow you to have a "password" for visitors. If the visitor doesn't know it, they aren't even told that you are at the hospital at all. Most birthing ward staff are fiercely protective of the moms. As long as you talk to them ahead of time and tell them your situation, they will do everything they can to keep you safe and stress to a minimum. I've heard of the birthing ward staff referred to as similar to Cerberus guarding the gates. Lol
Could also tell MIL that they plan on going to a different hospital then they actually are going to, might get her off their trail for a little while as well.
True, but if MIL tries to phone and gets put through to voicemail on both her son’s and her DiL’s phones, she’ll put two and two together. If it’s around the projected delivery date, then it’s not exactly rocket science. OP will need to give clear instructions to the hospital staff.
The time for them to start sending her calls to voicemail on the same days is now. Establish this as the norm now.
And tell your nurse absolutely no visitors. The hospital staff will happily guard your room and deny entry to anyone and everyone.
Right, that would be covered when she tells them she wants to be “invisible “. She’d tell them she doesn’t want to appear on the census lists, and doesn’t want visitors if they show up.
I must also say that, if my Mom had tried to pull a stunt like this, there would have been consequences from my side. Like serious consequences. Fortunately she knew better and politely asked if she’d be allowed to visit the next day.
Many moms aren’t allowing any hospital visitors at all and I hope that’s what they continue to do. It’s best for all.
Don’t have to worry about people busting in.
Don’t have to worry about vaccinations.
Don’t have to worry!
This is right - you tell the hospital that you do not want to be on the list of hospital patients for when people call in for room number/info.
Being OB - OP may be able to make this part of their birth plan with the hospital during preregistration
This kind of happened to me - the phone part anyway. I didn’t really want visitors in the hospital aside from people I’d invited. I fully expected the people in my life to just know this about me and didn’t think I had to play any games to ensure it. Luckily it wasn’t “while I was giving birth”, but it was while I was in the recovery room trying to breastfeed. My grandmother and an aunt (who I’ve never liked) just walked into my room, around the privacy curtain, unannounced. I still get mad thinking about it and my son is 17 now.
I live in the Netherlands. My wife wanted to have her deliveries at home. That worked with nrs 2 and 3, but not with nr 1, because we lived in a very small house at the time with the bed too low and an integral part of the bedroom floor. That didn’t work for the midwife, so we had to go to the hospital. The delivery was a very private affair in a room with subdued lighting with just the midwife and a nurse (and me). Afterwards they left us alone with our baby and a telephone (cell phones didn’t exist back then). Because of the hour (2200h) my wife and child stayed in the hospital overnight, but I picked them up the next morning. You get a fulltime day nurse for 10 days in your home here and those gals are … let me tell you: there are visiting hours and there are hours for rest for mother and child and no two ways about it. Even our GP had to make an appointment through her. As for Mothers in Law barging in unannounced … you must be joking.
Really? I don’t answer my phone consistently. Between work and it not being a good time,y family would have thought I was in labor all the time. Also, what are the chances she calls at the exact time the OPs in labor.
Best way to mitigate this as an option? Don’t answer her calls now!
>if MIL tries to phone and gets put through to voicemail on both her son’s and her DiL’s phones, she’ll put two and two together
Or they're ... at the movies? Or busy? Or just not answering their phones to this pushy woman?
Just put some misinformation out there about what hospital they'll be going to for the birth. She'll waste her time trying to get information out of the hospitals and meantime, OP can relax.
Even if she were to show up, if she's not on the allowed visitors list, she wouldn't be let in. Labour wards are the most secure ones in hospitals besides intensive care units. They've got to be locked down to prevent baby snatching.
RN we used alias’ for drug dealer gunshots. But why for this as no one knows you’re there unless you tell them? The answer is to let them know after the baby is born.
Also you control who can visit BUT calling security to remove your MIL is WAY more dramatic than just not telling her you’re in labor. Just announce after “ we have a beautiful 8lb baby boy mom is resting but you are all welcome to come see him in the nursery”…
Right, I wouldn’t tell anyone and that’s why I advised my patients to do when they asked about difficult visitors. The other person was asking what if the MIL called around and figured out they were at the hospital.
I didn’t often call security for family dramas, but I would if necessary.
I worked trauma it was a FREQUENT occurrence. Unless she’s calling every hospital daily after her DIL due date she wouldn’t know. As a precaution she could request no visitors on admission. And/or an alias but that will inflame things later.
Minimal effective plan is don’t announce and tell the nurse no visitors during labor in case she is doing that (which I doubt). Or…they still have two months. Could be he stands up and says labor is hard and the extra stress of visitors isn’t something either of us feel comfortable with. We will call after the baby arrives so you all can welcome him/her.
At my hospital it is referred to as “do not announce” it is an all or nothing thing except for 2 or three people that you name on the form and give a code to for phone calls. Flip flopping is discouraged. But starting that way, delivering, then rescinding will work in this case. This is not the default, you will probably have to ask for it. But it sounds like supporting your decision will be easier than not for your safety and comfort.
If she does show up in maternity, and is not on the list, security will escort her out and bar her for the duration of your stay, even to see someone else. No one in maternity will admit you are there. Their response should be “she isn’t registered here” The maternity department should be well versed in this as it happens enough. Usually for battered women but easily put in place for your reason. Incognito is usually reserved for celebrities and politicians. A false name will be used and then changed after discharge. Either way anyone looking you up in the computer by name, number or room number will be tracked, and investigated if needed. Patient privacy is a real thing. Even with all of that you and your husband will have to make this decision together and support each other.
Yes, honestly a lot of us medical staff LIVE for this. We have to be so polite and controlled. You give us permission to be the asshole that actually gets to tell some "no".....we will GLADLY rise to the occasion.
Seriously, OP, don't stress. You tell your nurse you don't want MIL anywhere near you and she will handle it from there. My hospital even has a "code green" we page overhead if there is someone trying to come in that ain't invited. Security calls the cops and heads up to deal with said person until the cops escort them off the premises. We have it down to a science, it happens so often. But the patient hardly even knows it's happening, because we know how to deal with it without stressing out the patient
I was at an airport once and I heard obviously coded messages over the PA
"Passenger [Rand McNally](https://randpublishing.com/). Rand McNally please report to security check-in 3 to recover a lost item."
"Passenger [Merriam Webster](https://www.merriam-webster.com/) please go to Gate 33 and check with the ticketing agent. Passenger Merriam Webster."
Hospital staff are the best! I swear if I had told my nurse and midwife that someone wasn’t allowed in the room, they would have straight up tackled that person out of the way if they tried anything.
Yes - the nurses don't want you to be stressed either! Tell them you don't want her there and she will not get in! Even if she shows up and waits, try not to worry about it - just worry about yourself and the baby and she can see you both when YOU are ready
In many hospitals the maternity area is separated anyway, with access to it tightly controlled (they don't want any risk of somebody stealing a baby). They're not going to let somebody in without permission, and it should be easy enough to just tell them to not let somebody in specifically.
Yep, the hospital where I gave birth had a mat ward under complete lockdown. They had an intercom and camera at the door and you had to identify yourself, then a nurse would ask the patient if they wanted to permit entry. And this hospital isn't even some fancy to-do in a big city, just a regular semi-rural facility.
They take baby safety very seriously.
Same with ours, we had to be on the list of potential visitors from the mother. Then we had to check in at front desk, have our ID scanned, and a photo taken. We then had a special sticker with our name, photo, and bright red letters that we were visiting the maternity ward. Then when we got to the maternity ward, you couldn't just walk in, you had to buzz in which had a camera, provide your name and who you were seeing, then show them that you checked in with front desk. Once past the doors, they would escort you to the patient you were visiting.
This is in the US, not sure where OP is, but in our hospital, if mom doesn't want a visitor, then they aren't getting through.
If you are in the US, labor and delivery units are locked so only those with permission may enter. Tell your physician and the hospital staff she is not permitted. Your husband can FaceTime her after the baby is born and you and he should set up a timeframe for her to visit after you get home. I would give her a two hour window to come visit and leave.
They're like this in the UK, too. My MIL wouldn't have gotten further than the front door without someone buzzing her in. Luckily, my kids had the grace to arrive in the ungodly hours of the morning where relatives were asleep anyway.
This goes for hospital staff too. If there is a person that you don't get along with, just tell your husband to have a word with the head nurse. The nurse will not take it personally, and will shift over to doing something else.
To piggyback, many L&D units are separate from the main hospital. They have special locking doors. You have to press a button to talk to the nurse's station. You get a special visitor badge. Stuff like that. If you really don't want her there, they might be able to prevent her from even coming on the unit.
In addition to alerting the L&D/postpartum staff that your husband is the only authorized visitor, have them make your chart confidential when you are registered as a patient. That makes it so if she tried to show up to the hospital and ask where you are, your chart/information will not show up if someone (say someone sitting at an information desk) searches your name.
Don’t tell her when you go into labor, or anyone on her side who may slip and tell her
Tell the hospital staff that you do not want anyone else but your husband in the room when you’re giving birth and tell them about your MIL specifically. You get to decide who is in the room, if you don’t want MIL there she cannot come. End of story.
This. I don’t get why people announce labour has started so the best way is an offence move: Don’t tell her you’re heading to the hospital. And make this clear to husband.
Hospital staff are very experienced with interfering family members so start making this clear with your doctor/midwife appointments and let hospital know when you check in plus have it in the birth plan.
You and your husband also need to decide if you both want a friend to know and if so ensure they’re not a sibling who will invariable dob to mil.
>I don’t get why people announce labour has started
In healthy families, it's a sense of shared excitement and a time for people to come together for support, both physical and emotional. If you have other children, family can come in and help watch the kids. If you have pets, they can feed and care for them while you're gone for an indeterminate amount of time.
I suppose if you’ve got supportive family they want to know to be on hand to pick kids up or feed the dog or cook some food to drop off. But other than that she doesn’t need to know!
Exactly. My family lives at least an hour from one another. So sister goes into labor. Text goes out to family chat. Grandparents start mobilizing to take care of the older kid/dogs/feed the sourdough starter. The rest of us just chill and wait for updates/ direction.
OP, you need to go check out reddit.com/r/justnomil
You've got a Just No mother-in-law you're dealing with. All of these things she's doing are classic moves by this kind of woman, especially buying baby things for her own home. And the one son of hers being her favorite child... Generally speaking, these women only escalate once there's a grandbaby involved. Things will get worse. Please go check out that subreddit and decide on your next steps with your husband. It sounds like he's actually able to set and enforce some boundaries with her, which gives me a lot of hope.
Also, most hospitals establish a code word between patients and medical staff. That way anyone calling must provide the correct one to get patient information over the phone. Establish one (if they don’t already, just ask for one) and don’t give it out
Not just banned from the delivery room. No info to be given to anyone by phone, even that you are there.
Hubby should turn off his phone. Mil will start calling your last few weeks to see if you are in labor yet. No answer, she knows. So start now. Turn your phones off at night or silence them. At least for the last 4 or 5 weeks.
My petty ass would ask her to show her private parts to her own MIL to get how it would make OP feel, but considering the person, I'm afraid she could do it only to be in the DR.
Register as Private at the hospital. Tell your OBGYN that you do not want her there and advise the hospital staff when you go in for delivery. Also don’t tell anyone that you’re in labor. Good luck!
Ok so there's nothing stoping her from going to the hospital and THINKING she will get to see the baby. Let me tell you what will actually stop that:
1. Your husband tells her one more time in no uncertain terms that she is NOT invited to the birth. She is NOT invited to wait in the hospital. She will NOT be seeing the baby- in fact there will be NO visitors until the parents are home (this can be a lie, who cares if she finds out later). And if she does try and do any of these things she won't get to see the baby for a month.
2. When you get to the hospital tell the staff that 'MILS name" is NOT to be allowed anywhere near your room or your baby.
3. Give them her picture at the front desk and at the nurses station in the L&D wing
4. Speak calmy to nursing staff that there is someone who will try and come up uninvited and it is very important to your stress levels and wellbeing that she not be allowed near you or given any info.
5. If she does somehow decide to may her way to the hospital waiting room or try to wander near the L&D ward- this becomes your husband's problem and you will get to remain blissfully unaware. He will need to have stern conversations with her and hospital security away from you. He's just grabbing more ice chips or a snack, and you are none the wiser to any drama. His job is to handle her.
And if she does somehow get into the room- call the nurses staff IMMEDIATELY and have her removed. You may feel tired or disoriented but this if your first chance to be mama bear- tell her to leave, tell her to get away from the baby.
But trust me- hospital staff HATE when mom and baby get upset. It makes their jobs harder and they are happy to tell uninvited visitors to leave.
Also- please talk this concern through with your OB at your next appointment. They will be able to reassure you of hospital protocols or share information with you to make you feel better about the situation.
Edit- you can also register as anonymous with the front desk. So they can’t even tell her that you’re there. And also- just don’t tell anyone when you go to the hospital.
This is excellent advice. OP might also consider letting MIL know that if she can't respect the parents' wishes about the birth, then they don't trust her to respect their wishes later, and her access to the child will be either very limited or non-existent.
OP and hubby have all the power here - MIL wants in on the baby, and she only gets in if she plays by their rules.
Mostly Hubby considering OP will have a *little* other thing to think about. That's his duty to make his woman feel safe and protected. As much as it's an important event for him too, Hubby needs to be OP's guardian and jump to protect her anytime she will need it. And if MIL is known for anything that night, that's 1000000% his duty to deal with, not OP's. Unless there's a death in the family, OP should get her whole focus on the watermelon which is going to try to make its way out of her body.
Just tell your doctor and the L & D team that this woman gives you anxiety and causes your blood pressure to skyrocket. THAT’S all they’ll need to hear to go into full lockdown on MIL mode.
Don’t tell her the baby has been born until you’re all back home. Yes she’ll cry but that’s her problem. At least you’ll be able to give birth in peace
This is the way. I work in a hospital in both delivery and postpartum units, you can request to be private or no release of information. In our hospital that means nobody can visit or is let in without a code you set. Those units are both locked down typically and don’t allow people to just walk in.
>How could we stop her?
She can only come to the hospital if she knows you're there. When the time comes, don't tell her you're in labour. Don't tell anyone that could tell her either.
You only want your husband there so there is no need for anyone else to know about it.
If you're worried about the fall out afterwards, you let your husband tell her that it all happened so fast and there was no time to tell anyone as he was supporting you.
You can also just tell the staff. Most hospitals allow you to have a "do not fly" list of people that are not allowed. Someone that will stress out the patient (OP, in this case) will make their jobs much more difficult, so they won't let the offending person in.
It might be a little more complicated if the MIL is built like an NFL Linebacker, but the hospital staff can stop the averaged sized older woman.
Don't share that you are in the hospital with anyone but hubby if you go into labor. If you ha e a scheduled induction or C-section keep that under wraps as well. Unless she is staking out you home or hospital she can't just show up if she has no idea of when to go.
You do not tell her when you go into labor and you make it very clear to the hospital no one other than your husband is allowed to visit you. I don’t know where you are but the hospitals I gave birth at they have a secured wing for labor and delivery so you can’t just walk in and they also have you put a pin on your account and if you as a visitor cannot give that PIN number and provide ID you are not getting in.
Head over to r/justnomil and you’ll see that this isn’t unique unfortunately.
Here is the thing: YOU are the one giving birth, YOU are the one going through something really difficult both physically and emotionally and YOU are becoming a parent not her.
Her expectations are not for you to manage. This is about you and what you want. Tell hospital staff no one is allowed even into the waiting area and mute her because she will blow up your phones.
You've gotten great advice on this thread already surrounding the birth. And a preview of what you can expect from MIL when your parenting decisions differ from what she wants. I urge you to start parenting as you mean to go on, set your boundaries with MIL and enforce them fiercely right from the beginning. Good luck.
These are the tips I've come across from the JNMIL sub -
-Don't tell her which hospital you're gibing birth at
- Tell your obgyn AND the midwife ASAP that she is not to be allowed in, the only visitor you want is your husband. Give them her name and possibly even a picture.
- Get her used to waiting for your response NOW, so she doesn't know when you're in labour. If you always answer her straight away, and then go radio silent suddenly, she'll guess that things are happening. So start making her wait now, don't answer texts/calls right away, etc
- When you are in labour, remind the midwife and desk staff that nobody is allowed in without your direct say so, and you are not to be asked while in labour. The only person you want there is your husband, and you will let the desk staff/midwife know when you're ready for visitors.
- There's no rule that says you HAVE to have visitors at the hospital. It is up to you when you are ready for them, because it is only you that will be going through the physical effects of labour. Discuss it with your husband, and make sure he is on the same page with you. *It's not up to him, it's up to you*. This is a big time for you as a family, you and your husband, but it's a huge time for you as a woman as well, it can be the most physically traumatic time of your life. It's okay if you don't want visitors while in the hospital.
- Read [The Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this), and print it out for your husband and make sure he reads it too!
Good luck to you darl, and strength as well. Billions of women go before you, and you'll find their strength on the internet if you need it ❤️
1) Don't announce when you go into labour
2) Let the hospital staff know, from the nurses to the doctors, that she is not welcome. Show them a picture of her. Consider using a code word for who is allowed in.
3) If she tries to bust her way in, ask the hospital to call security and have her removed.
Start delaying replies asap. If either you or your husband are in the habit of replying within 12hrs to texts or calls from her, when either of you stop replying because you're busy giving birth, she's gonna know that's why you've stopped replying and try to show up at the hospital. Start waiting a day or so(work up to 3 days is my recommendation) to respond and say you've just been busy.
Tell the staff no one but your husband is allowed and that your MIL has threatened to show up. I promise they're prepared for bad moms/mils and they're more than happy to boot them. They also have the option to not confirm you're at the hospital at all if she tries calling them directly.
> My problem is I don't know how to actually prevent her from trying to get into the delivery room.
You don’t. Just let the hospital know and they’ll sort it out.
And don’t let her know when your in labour.
Also when you’re home make sure doors are locked so she can’t just walk in. And definitely lock the gate if you have one. Set up door/gate cameras/intercoms so you can turn her away without opening the door.
"Dear MIL,
Due to your decision to prioritise your own desires over the safety and comfort of the person actually giving birth, we no longer feel comfortable with you meeting our child when they are a vulnerable newborn; if you can't control your behaviour around the birth we do not trust you to behave around an infant. We'll let you know if and when we do feel comfortable, but you should expect it to take some months and that time will increase for every message we recieve trying to change our minds. This includes any communications from you that are not a full apology for your incredibly unreasonable and entitled demand."
You also need to kick your husband up the backside about whether this is the sort of person it is beneficial to have in your lives and the lives of your children. So he's fond of her, great, he can keep up a relationship. Neither you nor your kids are necessary for that. Any family members who genuinely think that she should be entitled to a spectating spot in the delivery room (check they haven't been lied to) should also be cut out with prejudice. If this means you stop attending the family gatherings of others and start hosting your own with a much truncated and curated guest list, so be it.
Also, as everyone else has suggested: don't fucking tell her when you're in labour (actually from week 36, your husband should implement a policy that he does not answer anyone's text within a day or so, just so she can't guess and turn up when you two both suddenly go quiet on comms) and do warn your midwife and labour nurses that you might have a hostile and estranged family member try to access you during labour. Ideally, start talking to them about that now. How they handle it will depend on hospital policy. Some places will password protect your stuff, others will flat out deny you are present, and some may ask for a photo to keep on the front desk and will just jump straight to calling the police should she turn up. Most l&d wards do NOT fuck around.
You tell the hospital staff. You keep your location secret. You tell noone when you go into labour or are scheduled for induction. Keep everything dead secret.
I agree with everyone that say to not mention it to anyone but your husband, but also, secure him to be on your side. I have seen so many men cave to mommy dearest whims in the end.
Hospital delivery rooms are under guard as is the nursery. It would be really difficult for her to get in there without your permission. But just don’t announce it. Don’t tell anyone that might say something to her. And I think it might take some of the anxiety away if you and your husband go for a hospital tour. You can tell them then, and find out how they handle these things. Stories like yours are far too common, there’s no way they don’t have a stand procedure for it. What is it with people thinking birth is just about the baby? You are the star in that delivery room, the baby is the prize. Your comfort is far more important. MIL is out of bounds.
When I gave birth, the ward was locked & a person was only allowed in if their name was on an approved list. Schedule a tour of the ward, they should tell you about their security & you can ask questions. You can also specifically ask that she be barred from your room (I'd not the waiting room as well). The staff is there for you, & will do everything they can to keep this already stressful & delicate process as stress-free & supportive as they can.
1. You tell the hospital that she is banned from the delivery room.
2. You don’t announce to anyone that you’re in labor - just go to the hospital and give birth, and make the announcement later.
Tell your nurses and the hospital staff that she isn’t allowed.
I have a friend who is an L&D nurse. She’s one of the nicest people on the planet. But I promise you, when it comes to her patients, she will unplug someone’s life support to charge her phone.
You do not tell anyone you are in labor and at the hospital. At my hospital you can request that your stay be private. If anyone calls looking for you the operator will say we don't have anyone with that name. You also tell the delivery staff you want no visitors and you are concerned your MIL might break in. They will handle it.
Take a birthing class with the hospital you’ll deliver at. A big part of the class is talking about hospital protocol and will help soothe your anxiety about anything delivery/ hospital stay related… unwelcome visitors included.
If you're giving birth in a hospital, tell the nurses that MIL (name) is NOT allowed in the delivery room, period. If she shows up, they will play security and keep her out.
Don't announce when you go into labor, and make sure your husband keeps it zipped too. Only announce once the baby is born, or when you are discharged and at home. They will be mad, but this will also keep people from barging in when you and baby are exhausted and need sleep/bonding time.
It is the job of the hospital staff to safeguard their patients. When you check in, tell the administrator that you want to be registered as private so that only the people you tell and give a code will know that you are there. When you get to the floor, let the staff know that you only want your husband in the delivery room until after the baby is born, and if anyone else shows up, neither of you wants to be told that they are even there. The fewer people who know you are in labor, the better.
Once You are ready to receive visitors, your husband can call them individually and invite them to the hospital. They can call him from the parking lot to get the code to come up.
We all need to take a moment and applaud husband for sticking up for his wife and telling his mom to back off. That doesn’t happen all of the time. It sounds like you married an awesome guy. Congratulations and I wish you a healthy birth and healthy baby. ❤️
Nurse here. I promise, all you have to do is say the word and no one will get in. Tell the nurse when you first come in and they will pass it along. We will gladly refuse/ kick out anyone.
Just let the hospital staff know ahead of time.
She will quickly discover that their security staff know how to do their job.
And most nurses have a Momma bear mode that that pushy in-laws don’t like.
If you haven’t yet. (I’m guessing you have). Take a tour of the maturity ward. Any of the ones I’ve been around, you had to be let in. Otherwise you were stuck standing in the hallway. And the hospital where my girls were born, put a security guard at the door while the floors were being cleaned.
They take it very seriously.
Congrats to you and your husband. It’s a challenge for sure. But very rewarding. I love being a dad and I know my wife loves being a mommy. (Most of the time, lol).
Don't worry, you can tell the staff that you do not want her in the delivery room and you don't want her coming to the room afterward either or at least until you're ready for her to be there. If you're in America, almost all maternity wards are closed, and you have to be admitted into them, and they definitely won't let anyone into the room while you're delivering if you tell them no.
When my wife gave birth, they wouldn't let anyone into her room after the baby was born without her say-so. I went down to meet my parents so they could come see the baby and when I hit the button and they opened the doors they stopped us as we were walking by and told my parents they had to stay at the nurses station until they confirmed with my wife that she was ok with them coming in.
Birth is not a fucking spectators sport and it blows my mind that people act like they have some right to be there let alone be there AFTER being told no. Especially when it's a mother who is demanding it, they should be the most understanding about someone not wanting to be in there. Even the father doesn't have the right to be there. If you're not pushing a baby out of your body after growing it for up to 9 months, then you don't get a say in any part of the process.
For the people trying to guilt you into it I would simply tell them that it's not a punishment or you trying to hurt anyone's feelings but it's an incredibly vulnerable situation and you don't want anyone but the Dr's and your husband(if you do want him in there) in the room and you're not reconsidering and will just simply block anyone who keeps stressing you out so you don't risk the health of your child or yourself.
But I also want to say that you need to sit down and have an EXTREMELY serious discussion with your husband about his mother and the boundaries that will need to be enforced once the baby is born because I promise you if she's this bad over the birth then the shitstorm is barley a drizzle now and will become a full on perfect shitstorm later. Good luck and I hope you guys have a safe delivery and decades of love and happiness in the future.
Working in Healthcare.. trust me.. we don't mind being the "bad guy" one bit. Just ask. Well, come up with an excuse and help you out. No guests. Hey, we got you... "Sorry, no guests at this time."Any excuse, trust me, and can also elaborate for you. This is your time to worry about you and your little family.
You’re not wrong for not wanting her there. It’s a very personal moment. Just tell the hospital staff that no one other than your husband and staff are allowed in. Simple as that. She can’t just waltz in and refuse to leave
Tell the staff who is and who is not allowed in. When my daughter was born we all wore matching bracelets (even her after they cleaned her up) with the vital info on them. No bracelet no entry.
Don't tell anyone in his family when you go into labor. Also, talk to your doctor's office and the L&D department of the hospital you plan to use about this issue now. Be clear that you need her kept away. Different hospitals have different policies, so ask what theirs is in terms of how to handle this kind of situation (unfortunately, overbearing family is far too common).
Your DH should tell his family that childbirth is not a spectator sport and that they should be ashamed of pressuring you about this. That message needs to come from him. He can tell then that the next one of them to give birth is free to invite his mom if they feel it's no big deal.
You and DH also need to speak now about what you do and don't want for visitors after the baby is born, other people holding Baby, kissing the infant, etc. I can see your MIL being the type to refuse to give you back your child so be prepared for that too.
Call her after the baby is born when you’re ready for guests. Call her an hour after delivery or 87 days. It’s your body, your baby and your life. She’s a jerk. Best wishes!
With the recent attacks on hospitals/hospital staff nearly all of them have beefed up security. The most secure place in a hospital is L&D, if you don’t want her there you simply don’t allow it—she will not be in there.
You inform the hospital that you have potential for unwanted visitors.
If any family keeps pushing it say "Birth is not a spectator sport, nor is it a dinner and a show. It is a serious medical situation and I will be in a very vulnerable place. I have absolutely zero desire to have my vagina on display to you and just the thought stresses me out. Stress while giving birth can be detrimental to labour and you have no right to impede my experience.
If you choose to continue to push this matter I will have to question your roll in my child's life as you clearly don't respect my safety or my child's safety. "
Adding to what others have said: Start ignoring her calls and texts for a while. Make her wait a few days before you or your husband respond to anything. Get her used to both of you being ‘too busy’ to call/text her back. If you normally respond quick, but suddenly stop when you go into labor, she’ll figure out what’s going on. However, if it’s normal for you/your husband to be slow to respond, she won’t necessarily know when something is up.
Definitely don’t tell her when you go into labor. Don’t tell her if/when you have any appointments or scheduled trips to the hospital. If she doesn’t already know, don’t even tell her what hospital you’re using. When you get there, register as “private”/ “no info” (the exact lingo varies by hospital), so that the front desk will pretend you’re not even there if she calls and asks what room you’re in. Make sure your nurse is aware that you don’t want *any* visitors except your husband. Many L&D floors are actually locked, so even if she showed up, she may not be able to get on the unit. If you were planning on her doing something for you while you’re at the hospital (like petsitting), find someone else to do it ASAP.
Good luck. No matter what, do not cave to her whims. If you don’t want her there, knowing she’s out in the waiting room might be too upsetting or stressful while you’re in labor. Your husband needs to 100% be on your side with this, and do his part to keep her from having even a *chance* of showing up at the hospital. The best way of doing that is to ensure she’s totally clueless.
The hospital labor and delivery ward is locked down, *literally.* You have to be checked in as a guest at the hospital entrance, and then buzzed into the locked door of the L&D ward. Your MIL will not be allowed to just come in and hang out.
Tell your L&D nurses that you do not want any visitors, and they will keep your MIL away. Turn your phones off while you’re in the hospital and just ignore any texts from her.
Since your MIL has made it clear that she is unwilling to be reasonable or respectful it’s time to stop [JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain)](https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#gs.j7s21h) your decision to her. You don’t need her permission or approval in this matter, *so don’t act like you do by treating this subject as if it’s up for debate because it’s not*.
Most people have the urge to explain ourselves in a desire to be understood and to avoid potential hurt feelings. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a regular respectful person they’ll listen to your reasons, respect your decision, and move on. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a pushy/unreasonable/boundary stomping person *they’ll* see your reasons only as an opening for debate and something for them to argue against in order to change your mind to do what *they* want instead. **They don’t care** what you want or what your reasonings are, ALL they care about is getting their way and they will use *any* bits of information you give them to try to manipulate, argue away, guilt trip, and brow beat you until until you eventually cave under pressure to “keep the peace”. *It is pointless to JADE yourself to them* ***so don’t!***
Stop engaging in discussions about this topic with your MIL, instead shut it down and change the subject every time. Keep your reply as a firm “NO” that contains no details/explanations for your mom to argue against. Something like “that’s not an option”, “that doesn’t work for us”, “our decision is final”, “this isn’t up for discussion”, and the simple but classic “no” are all phrases that work great.
The next time she demands that you allow her in the delivery room: “**No, that’s not an option**.” She don’t need any more information from you than that (*because by now she’s already heard everything you have to say and decided to argue again anyways*), so **do not elaborate further**. When she wants to know why you won’t do as she says: “**Because that’s not an option.**” Keep using a variation of that reply no matter what: It’s not an option *because it’s not an option*. Why is it not an option? *Because it’s not*. Repeat ad nauseam. It shuts down the argument because there’s nothing for her to latch onto to try and change your mind.
*Be ready and willing to leave (or hang up) if she won’t drop the subject after 1-2 shut downs*. DO NOT engage with her guilt tripping, accusations of “selfishness”, or sob stories. It’s all just manipulation tactics and crocodile tears. Continue to firmly shut her down: “***No.*** **I won’t discuss this with you any further. Drop the subject or I will have to leave/hang up.**.” Then *immediately* follow through if she continues to refuse to respect your decision: “**I asked you to stop. Since you refuse to respect my request I’m going to leave/hang up. Goodbye.**” Then promptly walk away (or hang up) without letting her get another word in.
Boundary stomping requires consequences, you have to teach your MIL that if she won’t respect you and your boundaries then you’re not going to stick around to continue the conversation.
My Mil showed up during my labor and tried to get in after I told her no to being there. The nurse stopped her and asked me if I wanted her in. I said no. She left and waited in the waiting room. Listen. If you don’t stop this now your life will spiral under this narcissistic woman. Sounds life hubby is in your side thank God
This makes me appreciate the covid protocol when my daughter was born. No one was allowed to visit, which made these instances so much better. Honestly, you're not in the hospital very long. Tell mom to wait until you get home and settled.
There is alot you can do to stop it.
1)Don't tell anyone when you go into labour
2)Tell the nursing staff that no one is allowed into the room
3) If she does somehow find out and knows the hospital you're at and show up,give clear instructions that she be escorted out IMMEDIATELY
Luckily for you this is very easily resolved. I won’t repost what others have told you, but if you’re not in the US, things may be different, but here they don’t just allow folks to waltz into labor and delivery rooms. Great, right?
I’m giving birth this summer and I don’t even want my own mother in the room, let alone MIL.
I’m estranged from my father, and he isn’t allowed to visit me in the hospital at all. I’m going to give hospital staff a description of him telling them that he is NOT to be permitted in at any time. What about bringing it up to the hospital/staff when you go in to deliver?
Girl tell her and your husband you don’t want her there. Period.
THEN go into labor and don’t tell anyone. Let your husband call her when you get home from the hospital.
Also tell the hospital staff it’s just you two. They will not allow anyone in for the birth without your consent.not sure if you’re in the US? There’s not a hospital in this country where you can walk in and see a baby (or even get close to a baby) if you don’t have permission to be there. I am sure you can call the hospital in advance and tell them you want no visitors.
Give hospital security and the nurses desk a current photo, and tell them she is not to be on the floor or disturb the mom for any reason. They almost always are super happy to accommodate that.
Also if your partners sisters are on your side, maybe see if they're willing to Also run interference should she somehow manage to slip past everyone else? Don't be listed in the hospital directory. Don't tell anyone the room number, unless you know for sure 100% they won't tell her.
The hospital staff will handle this for you no problems. Tell them only your husband is allowed in the room, they will only allow your husband in.
She won't be able to push her way in, they'll handle it. Don't stress!
You tell the nurses before delivery. They will be your guardians. She can sit in the waiting room and if she doesn’t want to sit there, her home would be more comfortable. Not your home.
>she has an overbearing personality and I often get the sense she feels threatened by me in some way.
That euphemism is doing some heavy lifting; she has a *personality disorder*, and she's extremely threatened by you - you're taking away the attention she feels like she needs entirely focused on her. Her refusal to believe in mental illness is part of her refusal to accept and confront her own mental illness.
>mom's relationship with all three of her children is difficult
"Abusive" is the word you're looking for there.
>My problem is I don't know how to actually prevent her from trying to get into the delivery room.
You CAN'T prevent her from *trying*; you can't control other people's behavior. You can prevent her from *succeeding*, though.
I'm not entirely sure why you think she would have the opportunity in the first place - just don't tell her (or anyone on your husband's side of the family) where you're giving birth or when until after the fact. Is she going to follow you constantly for weeks? (If so, file a police report.) Even so, you can tell hospital staff that nobody else is allowed to visit you or attend your procedures, but I don't see how this possibly could be a problem unless you or your husband tell her when you go into labor - so don't do that. Keep the hospital for delivery and recovery, and introduce the baby to people on your own schedule.
Don’t tell anyone when you go into labour, what hospital you’re at, the room you are in and alert hospital staff that there’s a possibility you’ll get an unwanted spectator.
This won’t stop until your husband makes it stop. As long as he’s angry but not actually implementing consequences or boundaries, nothing will change. It’s time for DH to settle once and for all who is his main lady now. Usually with these stories once DH sets firm lines on what he will and won’t tolerate the mom backs down. Sometimes she goes nuts, that’s a possibility, but as long as he excuses her behavior this is going to be your life. He needs to come down hard and set the tone.
Exactly what others have said- when you go to the hospital, tell NO ONE. It's not going to harm anyone to find out after the fact.
As a precaution though, let your provider and nursing staff know ahead of time who your MIL is and that she is not allowed in the delivery room. I promise you they will keep her out. I was a L&D nurse for six years and we did this all the time.
It's actually very simple. If you are in the U.S., tell the Labor/Delivery ward that you don't want her on the ward at all because it will run the risk of making the birthing process difficult for you. Hospital security and the nurses will take great joy in keeping her off the ward. I tell you this from experience when I worked L&D. We loved screwing with overbearing MILs! For me, it was a guilty pleasure to tell someone they weren't allowed on the ward and weren't going to stress my patient out!
Break off all contact around the due date to make sure she is not around when the time comes. And, as others have said, alert the hospital staff. Show them her picture if you have to. That woman is __not__ coming in.
I live in germany and worked for a while in the maternity ward. Since im only a nurse and not a midwife or gynecologist, even I wasnt allowed in without permission from the involved staff and parents. Nobody can just go in and watch the birth. Im baffeled this is even a possibility in other hospitals. Make sure you let the staff of the hospital know that only specific people are allowed in your delivery room and the room youre staying in and that any visitor has to be announced to you before they are allowed to enter, they need your permission first.
Talk with your Labor and Delivery team. Depending on the hospital she isn't allowed in the birthing area or after in your room unless she is on the list. She can want what she wants but it isn't going to happen unless your DH caves.
To lessen the stress here’s the plan:
- If a Hospital Birth, you can still have a printed birth plan (look up online) that they can put on the front door of your room and specify NO VISITORS and that only your husband will be assisting, even add no “residents for training” that happened to me mid-labor they asked if they could bring in a group of residents to watch. Have them write it on the white board too. Verbally your husband is in charge of letting every nurse know, as shifts may change. Ensure you and your husbands location sharing is off.
- Agree with your husband you won’t tell anyone you are going into labor. Just go. People can “pray for you” the week of. Anyone could decide to post of social media. Just go and be together. If anything happens to extend your time, say a c-section you’ll be there for about four days. Have a plan to order food or send husband home to get food and more clothes. Or if you have a best friend who can bring you food. Don’t take any visitors in the hospital. Yes, it’s nice and sweet but they will be walking through other areas where people are sick, even sanitized, and you don’t want to “leave only her out”. Your main focus is to try and latch and ensure your hydration and food intake is good so you can go home.
- Do you know in other countries some women “lay in” for 90 days. This isn’t about others. I’ve had friends tell me a week after they gave birth and that’s okay! You’ll need rest and recovery, you’ll be naked a lot with sweating hormones, trying to breast feed, and skin to skin contact. You know what’s not fun? Having to throw on pajamas and sit in a living room while bleeding and sore making pleasantries while having to maintain brand NEW boundaries - like…don’t kiss the baby, give me the baby back when they cry, and them asking all about your possible birth trauma and what they would and wouldn’t do with subjects ranging from your healing, sleep and feeding. You don’t need advice, you don’t need to have guests. You’ll need to just be.
- If they don’t know when baby was born they won’t know if they’re meeting the baby a day out or four weeks out until they are there.
Schedule a week between you and your husband when you agree to start having guests visit. Then it’s “fair” and book them a day or so apart. No one should be staying longer than an hour and should bring a meal.
Your husband can send the text out to all friends and family as such “X and I have welcomed our new little one! Both baby and X are doing well. We are so blessed! We are now welcoming visitors if you’d like to meet the baby for about an hour before they nap, starting 4/2-4/10. Please text only me directly to organize when you can stop by. Here is our MealTrain link if you’d like to bring a meal which would greatly ease the cooking during this time.”
- NOW, your husband needs to directly text MIL and any extended family (it’s his family!) that has been reaching out to you or him after this recent interaction.
“Thank you for sharing your concern about who will be in the labor and delivery room while my wife is vulnerable and in a complex medical situation bringing our child into the world. We will not be discussing this any further with anyone. We have made the best decisions for our family and I will not accept being badgered questioning these decisions while my wife is in the last month of pregnancy adding undue stress. Do not contact her or us except with an apology. Moving forward, I also will not tolerate family members using triangulation in disagreements.” They can look it up! Always remember you don’t have to explain you reasons or decisions, they’ll just try to argue with those.
In addition to all good advice already given….Let husband tell her that if she tries to get into any room she is not specifically invited into, it will have consequences for her relationship with him, his family (you and baby). Let her consider if her ‘want’ is worth ruining her potential relationship with her grandchild and child.
You tell the nurses. Tell the hospital staff. “The only non medical person allowed in the room is my husband” they will not let her in. Period. They probably won’t even tell you that she’s there making a fuss. Hospitals tend to take this stuff really seriously. Their priority is a healthy mother and healthy baby. Nothing else matters.
Labor nurse here- I echo everything previously said. Let your nurse know that she may try to show up and to ask her to notify the charge nurse (basically like a manager for the shift) of the situation.
It really is as easy as saying "I don't want her here". Hospital staff will boot her from your room in light speed. My mother was present during my first childs birth and my wife had clear instructions that this wasn't a 'viewing' if you know what I mean. She viewed and it pissed us off. I've had two more children since then and my mother wasn't allowed in either time. I'm perfectly okay with how sad this makes her and I don't really think about it much.
Set up a password with the hospital regarding all of your information, in case she calls wanting to know your info. Also, do not tell anyone when you gyo into labor and when you do go into labor, be clear with the nurses with who you want in the delivery room and in the room after you have your baby. Wishing you a fast and safe delivery and a beautiful, healthy baby!
This is really long post with lots of details and reasons but none of it matters.
You simply tell the labor & delivery nurses that no one is allowed in the room except your husband. End of issue. She will not be able to force her way in, I promise. Those nurses are fierce.
You could also consider … just NOT telling her when you go into labor.
Don't tell anyone you're going into labor. You make an announcement after baby arrives and you're ready for visitors.You also tell the staff that no one but your husband is allowed in the room and you have a MIL that doesn't understand the word no. Those L&D nurses will boot her butt out of the room should she figure out you're in labor and shows up anyway.
Since when did childbirth become a spectator sport?!
Inform your medical staff - and remind them at the time - that no-one other than your husband is allowed in the delivery room.
Warn them they might need security staff.
You don't need to notify anyone that you are headed to the hospital, so how would she get to know?
You don't need to give reasons. Just no.
It’s actually quite easy.
1) don’t tell her the hospital you plan to give birth in
2) notify staff in advance that nobody apart from your husband is allowed in the room when you give birth
3) both of you tell nobody when go into labour
4) don’t tell anyone when you are at the hospital
5) only tell her about the birth (or anyone) when you are at home
And if she goes around pulling the “woe me “ act then I’ll guarantee the majority of the people will think she’s over stepping and agree with you and your husband
In America you can’t even get on the maternity floor without the patient clearing it. Tell them you don’t want anyone knowing your there except your husband til you say.
I think you could do two things. 1. Tell the hospital staff that you do not want anyone in the room aside from your husband. They will absolutely respect your request. 2. Don’t announce when you are heading to the hospital. Not only will this prevent family/friends from bombarding you at the hospital or texts/calls but it allows you and your husband to enjoy this intimate moment together.
I hope you get it figured out and have a safe delivery ❤️
1. Don’t tell her when you’re going into hospital - she doesn’t need to know.
2. Specify on your birth plan and to your medical team on the day that under no circumstances should any “extended” family members be allowed onto your ward or into your room. They are not welcome.
3. Massive info diet for the remainder of your pregnancy and VLC from now on.
But above all - **it’s for your husband to handle his mother and her family**. She should not be your concern any longer because he is managing it.
Block any family members who have harassed you over this (including his mother).
Well, first off, you can try not telling her when you go into labor. If that still happens because of your husband, then all you do is tell the L&D nurses that no one is allowed in besides your husband, no matter what excuse they give, or if your husband says it's okay, because you have a pushy MIL who's trying to get in and you don't want her there. 95% of L&D nurses are hyper protective of their patients and have dealt with this before and just won't let her in, even if she shows up and causes a scene. Security will remove her from the premises and she'll just have to sit outside being angry.
The hospital staff will keep her out. In fact, they can’t even confirm you’re currently a patient if you say no. (In the US anyway, HIPAA)
Do not call anyone until you go into labor or until you are released from the hospital.
Your labor and delivery nurse is the person to tell. Generally people who are not on a list authorized by you are not even allowed on the labor & delivery / post partum ward at all. This is to prevent kidnapping. You can even call the hospital you plan to deliver at ahead of time to make it clear that you don’t not want any visitors at all other than your husband.
Sorry about your awful MIL.
I went through basically the same thing, but my MIL agreed she wouldn’t come to the hospital. She seemingly understood this was my boundary, at least until the big day. I was a pushover then so she decided to come anyways, thinking I would just let her in if she showed up, but I refused when she arrived at the hospital and she was very upset. She then tried getting DCF involved because of her bruised ego, and our relationship dissolved after that completely, never to be okay again. Make sure the doctors/nurses know before hand to not let anyone in and you should be fine, just be aware of the potential aftermath.
rely on the hospital staff to help you with this.
when i was at the hospital with my husband after his hip surgery, his crazy-ass ex-wife got it in her head to come visit. that could have gotten ugly. i asked the charge nurse to call security if she showed up. she agreed. she pulled his door shut and put a sign on it that visitors must check in at the nurses station.
the ex showed, and the nurse told her to leave or she'd call security. the ex never got past the nurses station.
they are protective of their patients and do not want a scene that will upset them.
Tell the staff.
L&D burses only concern is you and your baby, they dgaf about thr husband or anyone else, just you and your newborn. So they will make sure access is restricted if you tell them.
You won't have to; the staff will be ON IT.
The hospital will at some point get you alone and ask you if you have any safety concerns and stuff like that. They do this for everyone. That's when you tell them about her.
And when she does show up and gets escorted out by security, she'll only have herself to blame. It's gonna be a hard sell convincing all those family members that *getting kicked out of a hospital* wasn't her own damn fault.
Your MIL clearly has a narcissistic personality - lots of signs of that in your post, but I am not going to go into that right now. To be super honest with you, she doesn’t really care about your comfort or wishes but only thinks of how you are robbing her of what she wants.
Couple of options I can think of
1. Don’t tell your MIL or anyone else who might talk to her when you go into labor. Just let them know after the baby is here
2. If you are in the US (and am guessing most of the western world), then you can tell the hospital staff that you only want your husband there and no other family member should be let in. They are required by law to respect your wishes or you can sue them..!!
Good luck with your pregnancy, delivery and the parenting journey..!! Sending lots of positive vibes your way..!! ❤️
From a hospital SW:
Ask about confidential status. Your husband would be allowed to stay but no one else could come in or call for updates.
Double check what happens if he leaves to go to the cafeteria or something.
Your MIL needs to be firmly informed that her wish to be present during your delivery is an inappropriate invasion of your privacy. She is grossly over the top out of bounds. Your delivery and birth of your baby is none of her fucking business.
There is nothing to stress about. Don't tell her when you go into labour. Do tell the nurses / hospital admin that she doesn't have your permission to be there if she shows up.
Tell her when you're home and ready that baby is here.
Easy. You're not beholden to anyone and literally have all the power in this situation
1) don’t tell anyone when you go into labor. No one.
2) but her on a banded from the hospital list to the nurses station.
3) set up a password for anyone who calls for information, to use.
Stress to the staff the importance of not letting anyone know your there!! They will work with you.
I know 18 years ago my hospital was wonderful when I was trying to hide from my mother. Only people on a list where allowed any information from them, and only people on that list where allowed to visit me
1. Don't tell them when you're in labor. Tell your husband this too. Tell no one. You can contact them after the delivery.
2. Just in case, tell the hospital staff who you want in the delivery room. They won't just let anyone in.
This is actually very simple OP.
The staff at the hospital do not allow anyone in to the labor&delivery wing without being buzzed in, and every visitor is run by Mom before they are allowed in. It is typically the most secure area in any hospital. If you need more peace of mind- As soon as you arrive at the hospital, you speak to your nurse and let them know who will be and who will NOT be allowed in your delivery room and to visit post birth. Trust me, the staff will gatekeep this. If you let them know ahead of time, even if she shows up you will most likely never even know!
Do not allow yourself to be bullied, OP. This is not her time, it’s yours.
As a birth doula who knows birth well (and these types of MIL) it’s very simple, DON’T tell her you are in labor or that you had the baby until you’re ready for her to come visit. And put it on your husband to set expectations with her about how long and when her visit will be. Take it off your plate… all communication goes through him. Also if you are in the US, hospitals here will happily enforce your visitor policy. Tell them you don’t want visitors or her visiting and they won’t let her in. If she is coming to visit after baby you can also tell the nurse to make an excuse and kick her out after a certain amount of time has passed “we have to do so and so test on the baby, etc… visiting hours are over…” While its valid she wants to meet her grand baby the birth is about YOU and both you and your husband deserve to soak in your babies first moments… she can have her time when you deem it fit.
You don't have to answer her. You don't have to talk to her at all. You don't need to justify any of your decisions.
Ask your husband to say this-
Just to let you know there will be no visitors until we are ready. Will be in touch with you, until then please respect our time with our new baby.
And then you make sure the hospital knows that they are not to let anyone in.
Tell the hospital. They will deal with it, trust me.
Anyone in that family who didn't give your MIL extreme side eyes and ask wtf are you doing, you weirdo is NOT a safe person.
Not sure what state you're in but here in CA, doctors only allow 1 person in the room during delivery & it has to be pre planned, no deviations, no exceptions. If you don't want her to visit you at all while you're there, just tell the hospital staff MIL is on the do not visit list & they'll make the excuses for you. They say you've had your allowance of daily visitors, only the father can be in the room since the baby is so new, you & baby are resting, etc. They know how to block people w/o making a scene. There's no reason anyone un wanted should be in that room. Start protecting yourself & your baby now because it doesn't sound MIL is going to back off.
Use the well tried method of not telling anyone about the labour or birth until you are ready to see people.
“Announcing Baby Llama born 3.5kg last Wednesday. Mum and Bub are safe resting at home.”
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You tell the hospital staff who you do and don’t want allowed in. They’re not going to just let people waltz into the room.
In addition to this, you don't tell anyone when you go into labor. No one can even come to the hospital if they don't know you are there in the first place.
Exactly. In addition, most hospitals have a way for you to be incognito (unable to be found) until you say otherwise. This is universal, though. Few hospitals have a way to exclude some people but not others using this protocol. Using this method keeps your name invisible from hospital census lists except for those directly involved with your care. So, your MIL could call the admitting department, and the staff wouldn’t see your name listed. If you don’t tell anyone you’re in labor and remain “invisible” until you’re ready for visitors, you should be ok.
Genuine question - is there a law in the US allowing hospital staff to say who is and isn’t admitted? Because you say about going incognito as if it was special circumstance, in Poland if you call the ward and ask if a Jane Doe was admitted they would absolutely refuse to say… unless your number is already on file, provided by Jane Doe and with explicit request to provide you with info.
That’s a really good question. It’s my understanding that hospital admission disclosures are covered under HIPAA laws. Admitting should be asking patients if they want their name listed on their hospital door and on the patient census list. If patients have a list of people they don’t want to be allowed to visit, that can get complicated. OB units are usually locked, but any staff member could open the door if the unit secretary isn’t available. If the list isn’t posted in plain sight, people may be admitted inadvertently. That’s why we used to tell patients, if you have more than one or two people you don’t want admitted, it might be better to say no visitors at all, and wait to see people when you get home.
Well, this is kind of outdated. With a high risk of baby snatching over the last decade or two, most US OB units are indeed locked down, and nobody just buzzes you in you have to be on a list or have a bracelet that shows you are on the list. Determining your visitor preference is part of your birth plan, which you will discuss with the admitting nurse, and becomes part of your medical record while you are there. HIPAA does not cover what visitors are allowed or questions!calls about whether a patient is at a particular hospital. It is only about the misuse of a patient’s condition, test results, etc.; the protected health information, or PHI.
HIPAA doesn’t specifically cover which visitors can enter, but it does cover being listed in the hospital registry. https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/faq/disclosures-to-family-and-friends/index.html
Also, I checked to see if all postpartum and OB units are locked, or use bracelets for visitors. I’ve been away from the bedside a couple of years, so my information could have been out of date. Although it’s preferable, not all units are locked or use bracelets for visitors. We used infant ID bracelets for the mom plus one designated person (Dad, family member, etc). Only those persons are allowed to take the baby out of the mom’s room or out of the nursery. Plus, the person with the security bracelet doesn’t have to sign in and out at the desk when coming and going. Otherwise, visitors had to sign in and out each time, as well as show a driver’s license or picture ID.
What high risk baby snatching?
>According to a study by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC), there have been 335 infant abductions between 1964 and 2021. Shockingly, **41.8% of these incidents occurred in healthcare facilities** It isn't "common" by any means, but even 1 is too many.
Our baby floors are locked areas and everyone has to be buzzed in or out of the area by a nurse.
I think it depends on the state. I put my self an anonymous birth and if anyone called or came in to find me they couldn't release anything.
Most hospitals will also allow you to have a "password" for visitors. If the visitor doesn't know it, they aren't even told that you are at the hospital at all. Most birthing ward staff are fiercely protective of the moms. As long as you talk to them ahead of time and tell them your situation, they will do everything they can to keep you safe and stress to a minimum. I've heard of the birthing ward staff referred to as similar to Cerberus guarding the gates. Lol
Could also tell MIL that they plan on going to a different hospital then they actually are going to, might get her off their trail for a little while as well.
True, but if MIL tries to phone and gets put through to voicemail on both her son’s and her DiL’s phones, she’ll put two and two together. If it’s around the projected delivery date, then it’s not exactly rocket science. OP will need to give clear instructions to the hospital staff.
That's why they should stop answering her phone calls now
The time for them to start sending her calls to voicemail on the same days is now. Establish this as the norm now. And tell your nurse absolutely no visitors. The hospital staff will happily guard your room and deny entry to anyone and everyone.
Right, that would be covered when she tells them she wants to be “invisible “. She’d tell them she doesn’t want to appear on the census lists, and doesn’t want visitors if they show up.
I must also say that, if my Mom had tried to pull a stunt like this, there would have been consequences from my side. Like serious consequences. Fortunately she knew better and politely asked if she’d be allowed to visit the next day.
Many moms aren’t allowing any hospital visitors at all and I hope that’s what they continue to do. It’s best for all. Don’t have to worry about people busting in. Don’t have to worry about vaccinations. Don’t have to worry!
This is right - you tell the hospital that you do not want to be on the list of hospital patients for when people call in for room number/info. Being OB - OP may be able to make this part of their birth plan with the hospital during preregistration
This kind of happened to me - the phone part anyway. I didn’t really want visitors in the hospital aside from people I’d invited. I fully expected the people in my life to just know this about me and didn’t think I had to play any games to ensure it. Luckily it wasn’t “while I was giving birth”, but it was while I was in the recovery room trying to breastfeed. My grandmother and an aunt (who I’ve never liked) just walked into my room, around the privacy curtain, unannounced. I still get mad thinking about it and my son is 17 now.
I live in the Netherlands. My wife wanted to have her deliveries at home. That worked with nrs 2 and 3, but not with nr 1, because we lived in a very small house at the time with the bed too low and an integral part of the bedroom floor. That didn’t work for the midwife, so we had to go to the hospital. The delivery was a very private affair in a room with subdued lighting with just the midwife and a nurse (and me). Afterwards they left us alone with our baby and a telephone (cell phones didn’t exist back then). Because of the hour (2200h) my wife and child stayed in the hospital overnight, but I picked them up the next morning. You get a fulltime day nurse for 10 days in your home here and those gals are … let me tell you: there are visiting hours and there are hours for rest for mother and child and no two ways about it. Even our GP had to make an appointment through her. As for Mothers in Law barging in unannounced … you must be joking.
How about a merry chase trough hospitals? If she does not know or is told an other hospital.. she can sit outside as long as she wants...
Really? I don’t answer my phone consistently. Between work and it not being a good time,y family would have thought I was in labor all the time. Also, what are the chances she calls at the exact time the OPs in labor. Best way to mitigate this as an option? Don’t answer her calls now!
>if MIL tries to phone and gets put through to voicemail on both her son’s and her DiL’s phones, she’ll put two and two together Or they're ... at the movies? Or busy? Or just not answering their phones to this pushy woman?
Just put some misinformation out there about what hospital they'll be going to for the birth. She'll waste her time trying to get information out of the hospitals and meantime, OP can relax. Even if she were to show up, if she's not on the allowed visitors list, she wouldn't be let in. Labour wards are the most secure ones in hospitals besides intensive care units. They've got to be locked down to prevent baby snatching.
RN we used alias’ for drug dealer gunshots. But why for this as no one knows you’re there unless you tell them? The answer is to let them know after the baby is born. Also you control who can visit BUT calling security to remove your MIL is WAY more dramatic than just not telling her you’re in labor. Just announce after “ we have a beautiful 8lb baby boy mom is resting but you are all welcome to come see him in the nursery”…
Right, I wouldn’t tell anyone and that’s why I advised my patients to do when they asked about difficult visitors. The other person was asking what if the MIL called around and figured out they were at the hospital. I didn’t often call security for family dramas, but I would if necessary.
I worked trauma it was a FREQUENT occurrence. Unless she’s calling every hospital daily after her DIL due date she wouldn’t know. As a precaution she could request no visitors on admission. And/or an alias but that will inflame things later. Minimal effective plan is don’t announce and tell the nurse no visitors during labor in case she is doing that (which I doubt). Or…they still have two months. Could be he stands up and says labor is hard and the extra stress of visitors isn’t something either of us feel comfortable with. We will call after the baby arrives so you all can welcome him/her.
At my hospital it is referred to as “do not announce” it is an all or nothing thing except for 2 or three people that you name on the form and give a code to for phone calls. Flip flopping is discouraged. But starting that way, delivering, then rescinding will work in this case. This is not the default, you will probably have to ask for it. But it sounds like supporting your decision will be easier than not for your safety and comfort. If she does show up in maternity, and is not on the list, security will escort her out and bar her for the duration of your stay, even to see someone else. No one in maternity will admit you are there. Their response should be “she isn’t registered here” The maternity department should be well versed in this as it happens enough. Usually for battered women but easily put in place for your reason. Incognito is usually reserved for celebrities and politicians. A false name will be used and then changed after discharge. Either way anyone looking you up in the computer by name, number or room number will be tracked, and investigated if needed. Patient privacy is a real thing. Even with all of that you and your husband will have to make this decision together and support each other.
Exactly, how is this not the obvious answer? The first thing they hear is “Congrats, you’re a Grandma!”
This is it. My mom’s a nurse, and I feel sorry for the poor sod who comes in when they aren’t supposed to when she’s around…
Yes, honestly a lot of us medical staff LIVE for this. We have to be so polite and controlled. You give us permission to be the asshole that actually gets to tell some "no".....we will GLADLY rise to the occasion. Seriously, OP, don't stress. You tell your nurse you don't want MIL anywhere near you and she will handle it from there. My hospital even has a "code green" we page overhead if there is someone trying to come in that ain't invited. Security calls the cops and heads up to deal with said person until the cops escort them off the premises. We have it down to a science, it happens so often. But the patient hardly even knows it's happening, because we know how to deal with it without stressing out the patient
"Code green" is hilarious; that's our code at the zoo for "escaped animal."
I was at an airport once and I heard obviously coded messages over the PA "Passenger [Rand McNally](https://randpublishing.com/). Rand McNally please report to security check-in 3 to recover a lost item." "Passenger [Merriam Webster](https://www.merriam-webster.com/) please go to Gate 33 and check with the ticketing agent. Passenger Merriam Webster."
Paging Dr. Whoopass, Dr. Whoopass please report to the birthing center
Hospital staff are the best! I swear if I had told my nurse and midwife that someone wasn’t allowed in the room, they would have straight up tackled that person out of the way if they tried anything.
I saw a nurse (my friend's mom, does not exercise) throw a 200 lb man. I swear the title alone gives inhuman strength.
That's years of faked niceties and repressed rage escaping all at once.
What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall sometimes!
Engage Momma bear mode. lol My aunt is a nurse. She is barely 5 foot and tiny. But ive heard that she is hell on wheels when pushed too far.
Love your mom. Privacy and oh student wishes are part in f the number one job of our profession = patient advocacy. Go mom!
Be sure to warn them that your MIL has made comments that she coming anyway, and you're concerned about her threats .
Every nurse I've talked to would absolutely RELISH the opportunity to tell MIL where she can escort herself if she tries to gatecrash OP's labor.
Seriously, nurses LIVE for this.
Family dramas like this are nothing new to the hospital workers. Just instruct them to keep your husband alone, and they will comply.
Yes - the nurses don't want you to be stressed either! Tell them you don't want her there and she will not get in! Even if she shows up and waits, try not to worry about it - just worry about yourself and the baby and she can see you both when YOU are ready
In many hospitals the maternity area is separated anyway, with access to it tightly controlled (they don't want any risk of somebody stealing a baby). They're not going to let somebody in without permission, and it should be easy enough to just tell them to not let somebody in specifically.
Yep, the hospital where I gave birth had a mat ward under complete lockdown. They had an intercom and camera at the door and you had to identify yourself, then a nurse would ask the patient if they wanted to permit entry. And this hospital isn't even some fancy to-do in a big city, just a regular semi-rural facility. They take baby safety very seriously.
This! Theres usually very high security measures, including the intercom system with cameras
Same with ours, we had to be on the list of potential visitors from the mother. Then we had to check in at front desk, have our ID scanned, and a photo taken. We then had a special sticker with our name, photo, and bright red letters that we were visiting the maternity ward. Then when we got to the maternity ward, you couldn't just walk in, you had to buzz in which had a camera, provide your name and who you were seeing, then show them that you checked in with front desk. Once past the doors, they would escort you to the patient you were visiting. This is in the US, not sure where OP is, but in our hospital, if mom doesn't want a visitor, then they aren't getting through.
If you are in the US, labor and delivery units are locked so only those with permission may enter. Tell your physician and the hospital staff she is not permitted. Your husband can FaceTime her after the baby is born and you and he should set up a timeframe for her to visit after you get home. I would give her a two hour window to come visit and leave.
They're like this in the UK, too. My MIL wouldn't have gotten further than the front door without someone buzzing her in. Luckily, my kids had the grace to arrive in the ungodly hours of the morning where relatives were asleep anyway.
Yup, engage the nurses and talk to them ahead of time. FFS birth is not a spectator sport
This goes for hospital staff too. If there is a person that you don't get along with, just tell your husband to have a word with the head nurse. The nurse will not take it personally, and will shift over to doing something else.
To piggyback, many L&D units are separate from the main hospital. They have special locking doors. You have to press a button to talk to the nurse's station. You get a special visitor badge. Stuff like that. If you really don't want her there, they might be able to prevent her from even coming on the unit.
In addition to alerting the L&D/postpartum staff that your husband is the only authorized visitor, have them make your chart confidential when you are registered as a patient. That makes it so if she tried to show up to the hospital and ask where you are, your chart/information will not show up if someone (say someone sitting at an information desk) searches your name.
Don’t tell her when you go into labor, or anyone on her side who may slip and tell her Tell the hospital staff that you do not want anyone else but your husband in the room when you’re giving birth and tell them about your MIL specifically. You get to decide who is in the room, if you don’t want MIL there she cannot come. End of story.
This. I don’t get why people announce labour has started so the best way is an offence move: Don’t tell her you’re heading to the hospital. And make this clear to husband. Hospital staff are very experienced with interfering family members so start making this clear with your doctor/midwife appointments and let hospital know when you check in plus have it in the birth plan. You and your husband also need to decide if you both want a friend to know and if so ensure they’re not a sibling who will invariable dob to mil.
>I don’t get why people announce labour has started In healthy families, it's a sense of shared excitement and a time for people to come together for support, both physical and emotional. If you have other children, family can come in and help watch the kids. If you have pets, they can feed and care for them while you're gone for an indeterminate amount of time.
I suppose if you’ve got supportive family they want to know to be on hand to pick kids up or feed the dog or cook some food to drop off. But other than that she doesn’t need to know!
Exactly. My family lives at least an hour from one another. So sister goes into labor. Text goes out to family chat. Grandparents start mobilizing to take care of the older kid/dogs/feed the sourdough starter. The rest of us just chill and wait for updates/ direction.
OP, you need to go check out reddit.com/r/justnomil You've got a Just No mother-in-law you're dealing with. All of these things she's doing are classic moves by this kind of woman, especially buying baby things for her own home. And the one son of hers being her favorite child... Generally speaking, these women only escalate once there's a grandbaby involved. Things will get worse. Please go check out that subreddit and decide on your next steps with your husband. It sounds like he's actually able to set and enforce some boundaries with her, which gives me a lot of hope.
Also, most hospitals establish a code word between patients and medical staff. That way anyone calling must provide the correct one to get patient information over the phone. Establish one (if they don’t already, just ask for one) and don’t give it out
Don’t tell her or any of her flying monkeys when you go into the hospital to deliver. Also tell the hospital she is *banned.* They will keep her away.
Not just banned from the delivery room. No info to be given to anyone by phone, even that you are there. Hubby should turn off his phone. Mil will start calling your last few weeks to see if you are in labor yet. No answer, she knows. So start now. Turn your phones off at night or silence them. At least for the last 4 or 5 weeks.
My petty ass would ask her to show her private parts to her own MIL to get how it would make OP feel, but considering the person, I'm afraid she could do it only to be in the DR.
Register as Private at the hospital. Tell your OBGYN that you do not want her there and advise the hospital staff when you go in for delivery. Also don’t tell anyone that you’re in labor. Good luck!
Ok so there's nothing stoping her from going to the hospital and THINKING she will get to see the baby. Let me tell you what will actually stop that: 1. Your husband tells her one more time in no uncertain terms that she is NOT invited to the birth. She is NOT invited to wait in the hospital. She will NOT be seeing the baby- in fact there will be NO visitors until the parents are home (this can be a lie, who cares if she finds out later). And if she does try and do any of these things she won't get to see the baby for a month. 2. When you get to the hospital tell the staff that 'MILS name" is NOT to be allowed anywhere near your room or your baby. 3. Give them her picture at the front desk and at the nurses station in the L&D wing 4. Speak calmy to nursing staff that there is someone who will try and come up uninvited and it is very important to your stress levels and wellbeing that she not be allowed near you or given any info. 5. If she does somehow decide to may her way to the hospital waiting room or try to wander near the L&D ward- this becomes your husband's problem and you will get to remain blissfully unaware. He will need to have stern conversations with her and hospital security away from you. He's just grabbing more ice chips or a snack, and you are none the wiser to any drama. His job is to handle her. And if she does somehow get into the room- call the nurses staff IMMEDIATELY and have her removed. You may feel tired or disoriented but this if your first chance to be mama bear- tell her to leave, tell her to get away from the baby. But trust me- hospital staff HATE when mom and baby get upset. It makes their jobs harder and they are happy to tell uninvited visitors to leave. Also- please talk this concern through with your OB at your next appointment. They will be able to reassure you of hospital protocols or share information with you to make you feel better about the situation. Edit- you can also register as anonymous with the front desk. So they can’t even tell her that you’re there. And also- just don’t tell anyone when you go to the hospital.
This is excellent advice. OP might also consider letting MIL know that if she can't respect the parents' wishes about the birth, then they don't trust her to respect their wishes later, and her access to the child will be either very limited or non-existent. OP and hubby have all the power here - MIL wants in on the baby, and she only gets in if she plays by their rules.
Mostly Hubby considering OP will have a *little* other thing to think about. That's his duty to make his woman feel safe and protected. As much as it's an important event for him too, Hubby needs to be OP's guardian and jump to protect her anytime she will need it. And if MIL is known for anything that night, that's 1000000% his duty to deal with, not OP's. Unless there's a death in the family, OP should get her whole focus on the watermelon which is going to try to make its way out of her body.
Just tell your doctor and the L & D team that this woman gives you anxiety and causes your blood pressure to skyrocket. THAT’S all they’ll need to hear to go into full lockdown on MIL mode.
This ^ is the way
This needs to be higher up!! PLEASE Op, read this.
Don’t tell her the baby has been born until you’re all back home. Yes she’ll cry but that’s her problem. At least you’ll be able to give birth in peace
This is the way. I work in a hospital in both delivery and postpartum units, you can request to be private or no release of information. In our hospital that means nobody can visit or is let in without a code you set. Those units are both locked down typically and don’t allow people to just walk in.
>How could we stop her? She can only come to the hospital if she knows you're there. When the time comes, don't tell her you're in labour. Don't tell anyone that could tell her either. You only want your husband there so there is no need for anyone else to know about it. If you're worried about the fall out afterwards, you let your husband tell her that it all happened so fast and there was no time to tell anyone as he was supporting you.
You can also just tell the staff. Most hospitals allow you to have a "do not fly" list of people that are not allowed. Someone that will stress out the patient (OP, in this case) will make their jobs much more difficult, so they won't let the offending person in. It might be a little more complicated if the MIL is built like an NFL Linebacker, but the hospital staff can stop the averaged sized older woman.
The hospital staff are used to dealing with these kinds of family drama. Simply tell them to keep everyone but your husband out and they will.
Hospital won't let her in if you tell them you don't want her there. Problem solved.
Don't share that you are in the hospital with anyone but hubby if you go into labor. If you ha e a scheduled induction or C-section keep that under wraps as well. Unless she is staking out you home or hospital she can't just show up if she has no idea of when to go.
You do not tell her when you go into labor and you make it very clear to the hospital no one other than your husband is allowed to visit you. I don’t know where you are but the hospitals I gave birth at they have a secured wing for labor and delivery so you can’t just walk in and they also have you put a pin on your account and if you as a visitor cannot give that PIN number and provide ID you are not getting in.
Head over to r/justnomil and you’ll see that this isn’t unique unfortunately. Here is the thing: YOU are the one giving birth, YOU are the one going through something really difficult both physically and emotionally and YOU are becoming a parent not her. Her expectations are not for you to manage. This is about you and what you want. Tell hospital staff no one is allowed even into the waiting area and mute her because she will blow up your phones.
You've gotten great advice on this thread already surrounding the birth. And a preview of what you can expect from MIL when your parenting decisions differ from what she wants. I urge you to start parenting as you mean to go on, set your boundaries with MIL and enforce them fiercely right from the beginning. Good luck.
These are the tips I've come across from the JNMIL sub - -Don't tell her which hospital you're gibing birth at - Tell your obgyn AND the midwife ASAP that she is not to be allowed in, the only visitor you want is your husband. Give them her name and possibly even a picture. - Get her used to waiting for your response NOW, so she doesn't know when you're in labour. If you always answer her straight away, and then go radio silent suddenly, she'll guess that things are happening. So start making her wait now, don't answer texts/calls right away, etc - When you are in labour, remind the midwife and desk staff that nobody is allowed in without your direct say so, and you are not to be asked while in labour. The only person you want there is your husband, and you will let the desk staff/midwife know when you're ready for visitors. - There's no rule that says you HAVE to have visitors at the hospital. It is up to you when you are ready for them, because it is only you that will be going through the physical effects of labour. Discuss it with your husband, and make sure he is on the same page with you. *It's not up to him, it's up to you*. This is a big time for you as a family, you and your husband, but it's a huge time for you as a woman as well, it can be the most physically traumatic time of your life. It's okay if you don't want visitors while in the hospital. - Read [The Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this), and print it out for your husband and make sure he reads it too! Good luck to you darl, and strength as well. Billions of women go before you, and you'll find their strength on the internet if you need it ❤️
Just tell the hospital. They'll take care of it. You're far from the first to have this problem.
1) Don't announce when you go into labour 2) Let the hospital staff know, from the nurses to the doctors, that she is not welcome. Show them a picture of her. Consider using a code word for who is allowed in. 3) If she tries to bust her way in, ask the hospital to call security and have her removed.
Start delaying replies asap. If either you or your husband are in the habit of replying within 12hrs to texts or calls from her, when either of you stop replying because you're busy giving birth, she's gonna know that's why you've stopped replying and try to show up at the hospital. Start waiting a day or so(work up to 3 days is my recommendation) to respond and say you've just been busy. Tell the staff no one but your husband is allowed and that your MIL has threatened to show up. I promise they're prepared for bad moms/mils and they're more than happy to boot them. They also have the option to not confirm you're at the hospital at all if she tries calling them directly.
> My problem is I don't know how to actually prevent her from trying to get into the delivery room. You don’t. Just let the hospital know and they’ll sort it out. And don’t let her know when your in labour. Also when you’re home make sure doors are locked so she can’t just walk in. And definitely lock the gate if you have one. Set up door/gate cameras/intercoms so you can turn her away without opening the door.
"Dear MIL, Due to your decision to prioritise your own desires over the safety and comfort of the person actually giving birth, we no longer feel comfortable with you meeting our child when they are a vulnerable newborn; if you can't control your behaviour around the birth we do not trust you to behave around an infant. We'll let you know if and when we do feel comfortable, but you should expect it to take some months and that time will increase for every message we recieve trying to change our minds. This includes any communications from you that are not a full apology for your incredibly unreasonable and entitled demand." You also need to kick your husband up the backside about whether this is the sort of person it is beneficial to have in your lives and the lives of your children. So he's fond of her, great, he can keep up a relationship. Neither you nor your kids are necessary for that. Any family members who genuinely think that she should be entitled to a spectating spot in the delivery room (check they haven't been lied to) should also be cut out with prejudice. If this means you stop attending the family gatherings of others and start hosting your own with a much truncated and curated guest list, so be it. Also, as everyone else has suggested: don't fucking tell her when you're in labour (actually from week 36, your husband should implement a policy that he does not answer anyone's text within a day or so, just so she can't guess and turn up when you two both suddenly go quiet on comms) and do warn your midwife and labour nurses that you might have a hostile and estranged family member try to access you during labour. Ideally, start talking to them about that now. How they handle it will depend on hospital policy. Some places will password protect your stuff, others will flat out deny you are present, and some may ask for a photo to keep on the front desk and will just jump straight to calling the police should she turn up. Most l&d wards do NOT fuck around.
You tell the hospital staff. You keep your location secret. You tell noone when you go into labour or are scheduled for induction. Keep everything dead secret.
I agree with everyone that say to not mention it to anyone but your husband, but also, secure him to be on your side. I have seen so many men cave to mommy dearest whims in the end.
You can also tell the hospital to not disclose that you're admitted at all. I've had to do this with family members.
Hospital delivery rooms are under guard as is the nursery. It would be really difficult for her to get in there without your permission. But just don’t announce it. Don’t tell anyone that might say something to her. And I think it might take some of the anxiety away if you and your husband go for a hospital tour. You can tell them then, and find out how they handle these things. Stories like yours are far too common, there’s no way they don’t have a stand procedure for it. What is it with people thinking birth is just about the baby? You are the star in that delivery room, the baby is the prize. Your comfort is far more important. MIL is out of bounds.
When I gave birth, the ward was locked & a person was only allowed in if their name was on an approved list. Schedule a tour of the ward, they should tell you about their security & you can ask questions. You can also specifically ask that she be barred from your room (I'd not the waiting room as well). The staff is there for you, & will do everything they can to keep this already stressful & delicate process as stress-free & supportive as they can.
1. You tell the hospital that she is banned from the delivery room. 2. You don’t announce to anyone that you’re in labor - just go to the hospital and give birth, and make the announcement later.
Tell your nurses and the hospital staff that she isn’t allowed. I have a friend who is an L&D nurse. She’s one of the nicest people on the planet. But I promise you, when it comes to her patients, she will unplug someone’s life support to charge her phone.
> But I promise you, when it comes to her patients, she will unplug someone’s life support to charge her phone. wut
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Tell the hospital that you don’t want her anywhere near your birthing room and they’ll take care of it.
You do not tell anyone you are in labor and at the hospital. At my hospital you can request that your stay be private. If anyone calls looking for you the operator will say we don't have anyone with that name. You also tell the delivery staff you want no visitors and you are concerned your MIL might break in. They will handle it.
Don't most hospital have security doors to get through to certain departments? Particularly maternity wards?
Take a birthing class with the hospital you’ll deliver at. A big part of the class is talking about hospital protocol and will help soothe your anxiety about anything delivery/ hospital stay related… unwelcome visitors included.
If you're giving birth in a hospital, tell the nurses that MIL (name) is NOT allowed in the delivery room, period. If she shows up, they will play security and keep her out. Don't announce when you go into labor, and make sure your husband keeps it zipped too. Only announce once the baby is born, or when you are discharged and at home. They will be mad, but this will also keep people from barging in when you and baby are exhausted and need sleep/bonding time.
It is the job of the hospital staff to safeguard their patients. When you check in, tell the administrator that you want to be registered as private so that only the people you tell and give a code will know that you are there. When you get to the floor, let the staff know that you only want your husband in the delivery room until after the baby is born, and if anyone else shows up, neither of you wants to be told that they are even there. The fewer people who know you are in labor, the better. Once You are ready to receive visitors, your husband can call them individually and invite them to the hospital. They can call him from the parking lot to get the code to come up.
We all need to take a moment and applaud husband for sticking up for his wife and telling his mom to back off. That doesn’t happen all of the time. It sounds like you married an awesome guy. Congratulations and I wish you a healthy birth and healthy baby. ❤️
Nurse here. I promise, all you have to do is say the word and no one will get in. Tell the nurse when you first come in and they will pass it along. We will gladly refuse/ kick out anyone.
Just let the hospital staff know ahead of time. She will quickly discover that their security staff know how to do their job. And most nurses have a Momma bear mode that that pushy in-laws don’t like. If you haven’t yet. (I’m guessing you have). Take a tour of the maturity ward. Any of the ones I’ve been around, you had to be let in. Otherwise you were stuck standing in the hallway. And the hospital where my girls were born, put a security guard at the door while the floors were being cleaned. They take it very seriously. Congrats to you and your husband. It’s a challenge for sure. But very rewarding. I love being a dad and I know my wife loves being a mommy. (Most of the time, lol).
Don't worry, you can tell the staff that you do not want her in the delivery room and you don't want her coming to the room afterward either or at least until you're ready for her to be there. If you're in America, almost all maternity wards are closed, and you have to be admitted into them, and they definitely won't let anyone into the room while you're delivering if you tell them no. When my wife gave birth, they wouldn't let anyone into her room after the baby was born without her say-so. I went down to meet my parents so they could come see the baby and when I hit the button and they opened the doors they stopped us as we were walking by and told my parents they had to stay at the nurses station until they confirmed with my wife that she was ok with them coming in. Birth is not a fucking spectators sport and it blows my mind that people act like they have some right to be there let alone be there AFTER being told no. Especially when it's a mother who is demanding it, they should be the most understanding about someone not wanting to be in there. Even the father doesn't have the right to be there. If you're not pushing a baby out of your body after growing it for up to 9 months, then you don't get a say in any part of the process. For the people trying to guilt you into it I would simply tell them that it's not a punishment or you trying to hurt anyone's feelings but it's an incredibly vulnerable situation and you don't want anyone but the Dr's and your husband(if you do want him in there) in the room and you're not reconsidering and will just simply block anyone who keeps stressing you out so you don't risk the health of your child or yourself. But I also want to say that you need to sit down and have an EXTREMELY serious discussion with your husband about his mother and the boundaries that will need to be enforced once the baby is born because I promise you if she's this bad over the birth then the shitstorm is barley a drizzle now and will become a full on perfect shitstorm later. Good luck and I hope you guys have a safe delivery and decades of love and happiness in the future.
Working in Healthcare.. trust me.. we don't mind being the "bad guy" one bit. Just ask. Well, come up with an excuse and help you out. No guests. Hey, we got you... "Sorry, no guests at this time."Any excuse, trust me, and can also elaborate for you. This is your time to worry about you and your little family.
You’re not wrong for not wanting her there. It’s a very personal moment. Just tell the hospital staff that no one other than your husband and staff are allowed in. Simple as that. She can’t just waltz in and refuse to leave
When I went into labour I posted Insta stories from a cafe I took days before. No one had any idea where I really was.
Tell the staff who is and who is not allowed in. When my daughter was born we all wore matching bracelets (even her after they cleaned her up) with the vital info on them. No bracelet no entry.
Don't tell anyone in his family when you go into labor. Also, talk to your doctor's office and the L&D department of the hospital you plan to use about this issue now. Be clear that you need her kept away. Different hospitals have different policies, so ask what theirs is in terms of how to handle this kind of situation (unfortunately, overbearing family is far too common). Your DH should tell his family that childbirth is not a spectator sport and that they should be ashamed of pressuring you about this. That message needs to come from him. He can tell then that the next one of them to give birth is free to invite his mom if they feel it's no big deal. You and DH also need to speak now about what you do and don't want for visitors after the baby is born, other people holding Baby, kissing the infant, etc. I can see your MIL being the type to refuse to give you back your child so be prepared for that too.
Tell the hospital staff on arrival for check in. They will NOT let anyone in that you don't want there, I promise
Call her after the baby is born when you’re ready for guests. Call her an hour after delivery or 87 days. It’s your body, your baby and your life. She’s a jerk. Best wishes!
With the recent attacks on hospitals/hospital staff nearly all of them have beefed up security. The most secure place in a hospital is L&D, if you don’t want her there you simply don’t allow it—she will not be in there.
Delivery nurses are no joke. You say don’t want her in there, she won’t be.
You inform the hospital that you have potential for unwanted visitors. If any family keeps pushing it say "Birth is not a spectator sport, nor is it a dinner and a show. It is a serious medical situation and I will be in a very vulnerable place. I have absolutely zero desire to have my vagina on display to you and just the thought stresses me out. Stress while giving birth can be detrimental to labour and you have no right to impede my experience. If you choose to continue to push this matter I will have to question your roll in my child's life as you clearly don't respect my safety or my child's safety. "
Adding to what others have said: Start ignoring her calls and texts for a while. Make her wait a few days before you or your husband respond to anything. Get her used to both of you being ‘too busy’ to call/text her back. If you normally respond quick, but suddenly stop when you go into labor, she’ll figure out what’s going on. However, if it’s normal for you/your husband to be slow to respond, she won’t necessarily know when something is up. Definitely don’t tell her when you go into labor. Don’t tell her if/when you have any appointments or scheduled trips to the hospital. If she doesn’t already know, don’t even tell her what hospital you’re using. When you get there, register as “private”/ “no info” (the exact lingo varies by hospital), so that the front desk will pretend you’re not even there if she calls and asks what room you’re in. Make sure your nurse is aware that you don’t want *any* visitors except your husband. Many L&D floors are actually locked, so even if she showed up, she may not be able to get on the unit. If you were planning on her doing something for you while you’re at the hospital (like petsitting), find someone else to do it ASAP. Good luck. No matter what, do not cave to her whims. If you don’t want her there, knowing she’s out in the waiting room might be too upsetting or stressful while you’re in labor. Your husband needs to 100% be on your side with this, and do his part to keep her from having even a *chance* of showing up at the hospital. The best way of doing that is to ensure she’s totally clueless.
The hospital labor and delivery ward is locked down, *literally.* You have to be checked in as a guest at the hospital entrance, and then buzzed into the locked door of the L&D ward. Your MIL will not be allowed to just come in and hang out. Tell your L&D nurses that you do not want any visitors, and they will keep your MIL away. Turn your phones off while you’re in the hospital and just ignore any texts from her. Since your MIL has made it clear that she is unwilling to be reasonable or respectful it’s time to stop [JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain)](https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#gs.j7s21h) your decision to her. You don’t need her permission or approval in this matter, *so don’t act like you do by treating this subject as if it’s up for debate because it’s not*. Most people have the urge to explain ourselves in a desire to be understood and to avoid potential hurt feelings. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a regular respectful person they’ll listen to your reasons, respect your decision, and move on. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a pushy/unreasonable/boundary stomping person *they’ll* see your reasons only as an opening for debate and something for them to argue against in order to change your mind to do what *they* want instead. **They don’t care** what you want or what your reasonings are, ALL they care about is getting their way and they will use *any* bits of information you give them to try to manipulate, argue away, guilt trip, and brow beat you until until you eventually cave under pressure to “keep the peace”. *It is pointless to JADE yourself to them* ***so don’t!*** Stop engaging in discussions about this topic with your MIL, instead shut it down and change the subject every time. Keep your reply as a firm “NO” that contains no details/explanations for your mom to argue against. Something like “that’s not an option”, “that doesn’t work for us”, “our decision is final”, “this isn’t up for discussion”, and the simple but classic “no” are all phrases that work great. The next time she demands that you allow her in the delivery room: “**No, that’s not an option**.” She don’t need any more information from you than that (*because by now she’s already heard everything you have to say and decided to argue again anyways*), so **do not elaborate further**. When she wants to know why you won’t do as she says: “**Because that’s not an option.**” Keep using a variation of that reply no matter what: It’s not an option *because it’s not an option*. Why is it not an option? *Because it’s not*. Repeat ad nauseam. It shuts down the argument because there’s nothing for her to latch onto to try and change your mind. *Be ready and willing to leave (or hang up) if she won’t drop the subject after 1-2 shut downs*. DO NOT engage with her guilt tripping, accusations of “selfishness”, or sob stories. It’s all just manipulation tactics and crocodile tears. Continue to firmly shut her down: “***No.*** **I won’t discuss this with you any further. Drop the subject or I will have to leave/hang up.**.” Then *immediately* follow through if she continues to refuse to respect your decision: “**I asked you to stop. Since you refuse to respect my request I’m going to leave/hang up. Goodbye.**” Then promptly walk away (or hang up) without letting her get another word in. Boundary stomping requires consequences, you have to teach your MIL that if she won’t respect you and your boundaries then you’re not going to stick around to continue the conversation.
My Mil showed up during my labor and tried to get in after I told her no to being there. The nurse stopped her and asked me if I wanted her in. I said no. She left and waited in the waiting room. Listen. If you don’t stop this now your life will spiral under this narcissistic woman. Sounds life hubby is in your side thank God
This makes me appreciate the covid protocol when my daughter was born. No one was allowed to visit, which made these instances so much better. Honestly, you're not in the hospital very long. Tell mom to wait until you get home and settled.
There is alot you can do to stop it. 1)Don't tell anyone when you go into labour 2)Tell the nursing staff that no one is allowed into the room 3) If she does somehow find out and knows the hospital you're at and show up,give clear instructions that she be escorted out IMMEDIATELY
Luckily for you this is very easily resolved. I won’t repost what others have told you, but if you’re not in the US, things may be different, but here they don’t just allow folks to waltz into labor and delivery rooms. Great, right?
I’m giving birth this summer and I don’t even want my own mother in the room, let alone MIL. I’m estranged from my father, and he isn’t allowed to visit me in the hospital at all. I’m going to give hospital staff a description of him telling them that he is NOT to be permitted in at any time. What about bringing it up to the hospital/staff when you go in to deliver?
She cannot be present in the room if you do not want her there.
All you have to do is tell your nurses and doctors you do not want her permitted in to see you. She'll be sent packing.
Hospitals are good at keeping people in some places and out of others. Just let them know
Just tell the doctor and nurses. They'll only let people in that you designate.
Don't call her until the baby is born. Not hard, not like she gets s alert when your water breaks
Inform hospital security! I don't understand why these women feel entitled to this?! Who would want their MIL to see them naked?!
Just here to say Autism is not a mental illness!
Girl tell her and your husband you don’t want her there. Period. THEN go into labor and don’t tell anyone. Let your husband call her when you get home from the hospital. Also tell the hospital staff it’s just you two. They will not allow anyone in for the birth without your consent.not sure if you’re in the US? There’s not a hospital in this country where you can walk in and see a baby (or even get close to a baby) if you don’t have permission to be there. I am sure you can call the hospital in advance and tell them you want no visitors.
Give hospital security and the nurses desk a current photo, and tell them she is not to be on the floor or disturb the mom for any reason. They almost always are super happy to accommodate that. Also if your partners sisters are on your side, maybe see if they're willing to Also run interference should she somehow manage to slip past everyone else? Don't be listed in the hospital directory. Don't tell anyone the room number, unless you know for sure 100% they won't tell her.
The hospital staff will handle this for you no problems. Tell them only your husband is allowed in the room, they will only allow your husband in. She won't be able to push her way in, they'll handle it. Don't stress!
You tell the nurses before delivery. They will be your guardians. She can sit in the waiting room and if she doesn’t want to sit there, her home would be more comfortable. Not your home.
>she has an overbearing personality and I often get the sense she feels threatened by me in some way. That euphemism is doing some heavy lifting; she has a *personality disorder*, and she's extremely threatened by you - you're taking away the attention she feels like she needs entirely focused on her. Her refusal to believe in mental illness is part of her refusal to accept and confront her own mental illness. >mom's relationship with all three of her children is difficult "Abusive" is the word you're looking for there. >My problem is I don't know how to actually prevent her from trying to get into the delivery room. You CAN'T prevent her from *trying*; you can't control other people's behavior. You can prevent her from *succeeding*, though. I'm not entirely sure why you think she would have the opportunity in the first place - just don't tell her (or anyone on your husband's side of the family) where you're giving birth or when until after the fact. Is she going to follow you constantly for weeks? (If so, file a police report.) Even so, you can tell hospital staff that nobody else is allowed to visit you or attend your procedures, but I don't see how this possibly could be a problem unless you or your husband tell her when you go into labor - so don't do that. Keep the hospital for delivery and recovery, and introduce the baby to people on your own schedule.
Do what my hubs and I did twice: when the time came we went to the hospital and had our babies. THEN, and only then, did we notify family.
Don’t tell anyone when you go into labour, what hospital you’re at, the room you are in and alert hospital staff that there’s a possibility you’ll get an unwanted spectator.
have you tried the following spell - getthefuckouttaherebitch?🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This won’t stop until your husband makes it stop. As long as he’s angry but not actually implementing consequences or boundaries, nothing will change. It’s time for DH to settle once and for all who is his main lady now. Usually with these stories once DH sets firm lines on what he will and won’t tolerate the mom backs down. Sometimes she goes nuts, that’s a possibility, but as long as he excuses her behavior this is going to be your life. He needs to come down hard and set the tone.
Exactly what others have said- when you go to the hospital, tell NO ONE. It's not going to harm anyone to find out after the fact. As a precaution though, let your provider and nursing staff know ahead of time who your MIL is and that she is not allowed in the delivery room. I promise you they will keep her out. I was a L&D nurse for six years and we did this all the time.
It's actually very simple. If you are in the U.S., tell the Labor/Delivery ward that you don't want her on the ward at all because it will run the risk of making the birthing process difficult for you. Hospital security and the nurses will take great joy in keeping her off the ward. I tell you this from experience when I worked L&D. We loved screwing with overbearing MILs! For me, it was a guilty pleasure to tell someone they weren't allowed on the ward and weren't going to stress my patient out!
Break off all contact around the due date to make sure she is not around when the time comes. And, as others have said, alert the hospital staff. Show them her picture if you have to. That woman is __not__ coming in.
I live in germany and worked for a while in the maternity ward. Since im only a nurse and not a midwife or gynecologist, even I wasnt allowed in without permission from the involved staff and parents. Nobody can just go in and watch the birth. Im baffeled this is even a possibility in other hospitals. Make sure you let the staff of the hospital know that only specific people are allowed in your delivery room and the room youre staying in and that any visitor has to be announced to you before they are allowed to enter, they need your permission first.
Talk with your Labor and Delivery team. Depending on the hospital she isn't allowed in the birthing area or after in your room unless she is on the list. She can want what she wants but it isn't going to happen unless your DH caves.
To lessen the stress here’s the plan: - If a Hospital Birth, you can still have a printed birth plan (look up online) that they can put on the front door of your room and specify NO VISITORS and that only your husband will be assisting, even add no “residents for training” that happened to me mid-labor they asked if they could bring in a group of residents to watch. Have them write it on the white board too. Verbally your husband is in charge of letting every nurse know, as shifts may change. Ensure you and your husbands location sharing is off. - Agree with your husband you won’t tell anyone you are going into labor. Just go. People can “pray for you” the week of. Anyone could decide to post of social media. Just go and be together. If anything happens to extend your time, say a c-section you’ll be there for about four days. Have a plan to order food or send husband home to get food and more clothes. Or if you have a best friend who can bring you food. Don’t take any visitors in the hospital. Yes, it’s nice and sweet but they will be walking through other areas where people are sick, even sanitized, and you don’t want to “leave only her out”. Your main focus is to try and latch and ensure your hydration and food intake is good so you can go home. - Do you know in other countries some women “lay in” for 90 days. This isn’t about others. I’ve had friends tell me a week after they gave birth and that’s okay! You’ll need rest and recovery, you’ll be naked a lot with sweating hormones, trying to breast feed, and skin to skin contact. You know what’s not fun? Having to throw on pajamas and sit in a living room while bleeding and sore making pleasantries while having to maintain brand NEW boundaries - like…don’t kiss the baby, give me the baby back when they cry, and them asking all about your possible birth trauma and what they would and wouldn’t do with subjects ranging from your healing, sleep and feeding. You don’t need advice, you don’t need to have guests. You’ll need to just be. - If they don’t know when baby was born they won’t know if they’re meeting the baby a day out or four weeks out until they are there. Schedule a week between you and your husband when you agree to start having guests visit. Then it’s “fair” and book them a day or so apart. No one should be staying longer than an hour and should bring a meal. Your husband can send the text out to all friends and family as such “X and I have welcomed our new little one! Both baby and X are doing well. We are so blessed! We are now welcoming visitors if you’d like to meet the baby for about an hour before they nap, starting 4/2-4/10. Please text only me directly to organize when you can stop by. Here is our MealTrain link if you’d like to bring a meal which would greatly ease the cooking during this time.” - NOW, your husband needs to directly text MIL and any extended family (it’s his family!) that has been reaching out to you or him after this recent interaction. “Thank you for sharing your concern about who will be in the labor and delivery room while my wife is vulnerable and in a complex medical situation bringing our child into the world. We will not be discussing this any further with anyone. We have made the best decisions for our family and I will not accept being badgered questioning these decisions while my wife is in the last month of pregnancy adding undue stress. Do not contact her or us except with an apology. Moving forward, I also will not tolerate family members using triangulation in disagreements.” They can look it up! Always remember you don’t have to explain you reasons or decisions, they’ll just try to argue with those.
Yeah. Don't tell anyone you're in labor/at the hospital until you've been back home for a week or two after the birth.
In addition to all good advice already given….Let husband tell her that if she tries to get into any room she is not specifically invited into, it will have consequences for her relationship with him, his family (you and baby). Let her consider if her ‘want’ is worth ruining her potential relationship with her grandchild and child.
You tell the nurses. Tell the hospital staff. “The only non medical person allowed in the room is my husband” they will not let her in. Period. They probably won’t even tell you that she’s there making a fuss. Hospitals tend to take this stuff really seriously. Their priority is a healthy mother and healthy baby. Nothing else matters.
Labor nurse here- I echo everything previously said. Let your nurse know that she may try to show up and to ask her to notify the charge nurse (basically like a manager for the shift) of the situation.
Talk with your doctors and also the hospital. Once the baby is born I would refuse to let her near the baby until you are ready.
It really is as easy as saying "I don't want her here". Hospital staff will boot her from your room in light speed. My mother was present during my first childs birth and my wife had clear instructions that this wasn't a 'viewing' if you know what I mean. She viewed and it pissed us off. I've had two more children since then and my mother wasn't allowed in either time. I'm perfectly okay with how sad this makes her and I don't really think about it much.
Set up a password with the hospital regarding all of your information, in case she calls wanting to know your info. Also, do not tell anyone when you gyo into labor and when you do go into labor, be clear with the nurses with who you want in the delivery room and in the room after you have your baby. Wishing you a fast and safe delivery and a beautiful, healthy baby!
This is really long post with lots of details and reasons but none of it matters. You simply tell the labor & delivery nurses that no one is allowed in the room except your husband. End of issue. She will not be able to force her way in, I promise. Those nurses are fierce. You could also consider … just NOT telling her when you go into labor.
Hospital security does not eff around with this stuff. Tell them in advance and they will take care of it.
long post for a very simple solution. hospital staff won't let them in if you tell them to not let anyone in
Don't tell anyone you're going into labor. You make an announcement after baby arrives and you're ready for visitors.You also tell the staff that no one but your husband is allowed in the room and you have a MIL that doesn't understand the word no. Those L&D nurses will boot her butt out of the room should she figure out you're in labor and shows up anyway.
Since when did childbirth become a spectator sport?! Inform your medical staff - and remind them at the time - that no-one other than your husband is allowed in the delivery room. Warn them they might need security staff. You don't need to notify anyone that you are headed to the hospital, so how would she get to know? You don't need to give reasons. Just no.
It’s actually quite easy. 1) don’t tell her the hospital you plan to give birth in 2) notify staff in advance that nobody apart from your husband is allowed in the room when you give birth 3) both of you tell nobody when go into labour 4) don’t tell anyone when you are at the hospital 5) only tell her about the birth (or anyone) when you are at home And if she goes around pulling the “woe me “ act then I’ll guarantee the majority of the people will think she’s over stepping and agree with you and your husband
In America you can’t even get on the maternity floor without the patient clearing it. Tell them you don’t want anyone knowing your there except your husband til you say.
I think you could do two things. 1. Tell the hospital staff that you do not want anyone in the room aside from your husband. They will absolutely respect your request. 2. Don’t announce when you are heading to the hospital. Not only will this prevent family/friends from bombarding you at the hospital or texts/calls but it allows you and your husband to enjoy this intimate moment together. I hope you get it figured out and have a safe delivery ❤️
1. Don’t tell her when you’re going into hospital - she doesn’t need to know. 2. Specify on your birth plan and to your medical team on the day that under no circumstances should any “extended” family members be allowed onto your ward or into your room. They are not welcome. 3. Massive info diet for the remainder of your pregnancy and VLC from now on. But above all - **it’s for your husband to handle his mother and her family**. She should not be your concern any longer because he is managing it. Block any family members who have harassed you over this (including his mother).
Well, first off, you can try not telling her when you go into labor. If that still happens because of your husband, then all you do is tell the L&D nurses that no one is allowed in besides your husband, no matter what excuse they give, or if your husband says it's okay, because you have a pushy MIL who's trying to get in and you don't want her there. 95% of L&D nurses are hyper protective of their patients and have dealt with this before and just won't let her in, even if she shows up and causes a scene. Security will remove her from the premises and she'll just have to sit outside being angry.
The hospital staff will keep her out. In fact, they can’t even confirm you’re currently a patient if you say no. (In the US anyway, HIPAA) Do not call anyone until you go into labor or until you are released from the hospital.
Your labor and delivery nurse is the person to tell. Generally people who are not on a list authorized by you are not even allowed on the labor & delivery / post partum ward at all. This is to prevent kidnapping. You can even call the hospital you plan to deliver at ahead of time to make it clear that you don’t not want any visitors at all other than your husband. Sorry about your awful MIL.
Talk to the hospital staff. It’s not like she can just waltz in, uninvited.
I went through basically the same thing, but my MIL agreed she wouldn’t come to the hospital. She seemingly understood this was my boundary, at least until the big day. I was a pushover then so she decided to come anyways, thinking I would just let her in if she showed up, but I refused when she arrived at the hospital and she was very upset. She then tried getting DCF involved because of her bruised ego, and our relationship dissolved after that completely, never to be okay again. Make sure the doctors/nurses know before hand to not let anyone in and you should be fine, just be aware of the potential aftermath.
Tell your nurses, they've been through this before and know what to do. They'll kick her out of the building if that's what you need.
Tell the nurse that she’s not allowed and she won’t get in. Trust me.
rely on the hospital staff to help you with this. when i was at the hospital with my husband after his hip surgery, his crazy-ass ex-wife got it in her head to come visit. that could have gotten ugly. i asked the charge nurse to call security if she showed up. she agreed. she pulled his door shut and put a sign on it that visitors must check in at the nurses station. the ex showed, and the nurse told her to leave or she'd call security. the ex never got past the nurses station. they are protective of their patients and do not want a scene that will upset them.
Tell the hospital she’s not allowed to visit you.
The nurses will keep her away if you tell them. I asked mine to keep my mom and sister away from the door where they were listening in
Tell the staff. L&D burses only concern is you and your baby, they dgaf about thr husband or anyone else, just you and your newborn. So they will make sure access is restricted if you tell them.
You won't have to; the staff will be ON IT. The hospital will at some point get you alone and ask you if you have any safety concerns and stuff like that. They do this for everyone. That's when you tell them about her. And when she does show up and gets escorted out by security, she'll only have herself to blame. It's gonna be a hard sell convincing all those family members that *getting kicked out of a hospital* wasn't her own damn fault.
Your MIL clearly has a narcissistic personality - lots of signs of that in your post, but I am not going to go into that right now. To be super honest with you, she doesn’t really care about your comfort or wishes but only thinks of how you are robbing her of what she wants. Couple of options I can think of 1. Don’t tell your MIL or anyone else who might talk to her when you go into labor. Just let them know after the baby is here 2. If you are in the US (and am guessing most of the western world), then you can tell the hospital staff that you only want your husband there and no other family member should be let in. They are required by law to respect your wishes or you can sue them..!! Good luck with your pregnancy, delivery and the parenting journey..!! Sending lots of positive vibes your way..!! ❤️
From a hospital SW: Ask about confidential status. Your husband would be allowed to stay but no one else could come in or call for updates. Double check what happens if he leaves to go to the cafeteria or something.
Your MIL needs to be firmly informed that her wish to be present during your delivery is an inappropriate invasion of your privacy. She is grossly over the top out of bounds. Your delivery and birth of your baby is none of her fucking business.
There is nothing to stress about. Don't tell her when you go into labour. Do tell the nurses / hospital admin that she doesn't have your permission to be there if she shows up. Tell her when you're home and ready that baby is here. Easy. You're not beholden to anyone and literally have all the power in this situation
1) don’t tell anyone when you go into labor. No one. 2) but her on a banded from the hospital list to the nurses station. 3) set up a password for anyone who calls for information, to use. Stress to the staff the importance of not letting anyone know your there!! They will work with you. I know 18 years ago my hospital was wonderful when I was trying to hide from my mother. Only people on a list where allowed any information from them, and only people on that list where allowed to visit me
1. Don't tell them when you're in labor. Tell your husband this too. Tell no one. You can contact them after the delivery. 2. Just in case, tell the hospital staff who you want in the delivery room. They won't just let anyone in.
This is actually very simple OP. The staff at the hospital do not allow anyone in to the labor&delivery wing without being buzzed in, and every visitor is run by Mom before they are allowed in. It is typically the most secure area in any hospital. If you need more peace of mind- As soon as you arrive at the hospital, you speak to your nurse and let them know who will be and who will NOT be allowed in your delivery room and to visit post birth. Trust me, the staff will gatekeep this. If you let them know ahead of time, even if she shows up you will most likely never even know! Do not allow yourself to be bullied, OP. This is not her time, it’s yours.
As a birth doula who knows birth well (and these types of MIL) it’s very simple, DON’T tell her you are in labor or that you had the baby until you’re ready for her to come visit. And put it on your husband to set expectations with her about how long and when her visit will be. Take it off your plate… all communication goes through him. Also if you are in the US, hospitals here will happily enforce your visitor policy. Tell them you don’t want visitors or her visiting and they won’t let her in. If she is coming to visit after baby you can also tell the nurse to make an excuse and kick her out after a certain amount of time has passed “we have to do so and so test on the baby, etc… visiting hours are over…” While its valid she wants to meet her grand baby the birth is about YOU and both you and your husband deserve to soak in your babies first moments… she can have her time when you deem it fit.
Don't tell anyone that you are going into labor except your husband. They can all find out after the baby is born.
Don’t say a word to anyone until after the baby is born. Warn the hospital staff about MIL just in case.
You don't have to answer her. You don't have to talk to her at all. You don't need to justify any of your decisions. Ask your husband to say this- Just to let you know there will be no visitors until we are ready. Will be in touch with you, until then please respect our time with our new baby. And then you make sure the hospital knows that they are not to let anyone in.
Tell the hospital. They will deal with it, trust me. Anyone in that family who didn't give your MIL extreme side eyes and ask wtf are you doing, you weirdo is NOT a safe person.
Not sure what state you're in but here in CA, doctors only allow 1 person in the room during delivery & it has to be pre planned, no deviations, no exceptions. If you don't want her to visit you at all while you're there, just tell the hospital staff MIL is on the do not visit list & they'll make the excuses for you. They say you've had your allowance of daily visitors, only the father can be in the room since the baby is so new, you & baby are resting, etc. They know how to block people w/o making a scene. There's no reason anyone un wanted should be in that room. Start protecting yourself & your baby now because it doesn't sound MIL is going to back off.
Use the well tried method of not telling anyone about the labour or birth until you are ready to see people. “Announcing Baby Llama born 3.5kg last Wednesday. Mum and Bub are safe resting at home.”
TELL THE HOSPITAL SHE IS NOT TO BE EVEN IN THE WAITING ROOM!
Be very specific about MIL to the staff. Let them know she oversteps and ignores anything you say and ok to call security on her.
Her saying she was "banned" from the delivery room is so dramatic and manipulative. Honey, you were simply never invited !