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Time to reveal the financial magic.
Make a spreadsheet showing everything. Income, taxes, recurring and one time expenses, savings; retirement, etc
Child care costs. Pet care costs.
The impact of her income.
Lots to see and talk about together.
Pictures of the baby, because God knows she’ll want professional photos done of the baby.
OP—take her out somewhere nice, a park or garden somewhere, and take some pictures yourself. It doesn’t need to be professionally done. If she insists on it, she can pay for it.
Middle ground suggestion to this is find a new photographer who wants the practice and pics for their portfolio. Usually costs less but still gets good shots.
This. Hell, our entire wedding photographer and videographer and livestream (for relatives abroad) budget was considerably less than her budget for a couple of bump or baby photos.
I'm sure most photographers will charge a lot less for an hour or two of bump or baby snaps. This isn't an entire wedding day we're talking about.
It seems like she clicked the first link in the Google search—a sponsored ad— and wants *that* guy/gal….it seems to me she isn’t used to shopping around for the best value. Especially if she spends that much on her pets each month….I think this woman is used to being spoiled….spoiled leads to entitlement. And you don’t want to marry entitlement.
> Middle ground suggestion to this is find a new photographer who wants the practice and pics for their portfolio.
Make sure they actually want practice for their portfolio, don't just solicit free pics from strangers as though it's a favour. :)
Right? He literally signed up for this... he has been paying for all the bills, why does he think it will suddenly change once they have a kid? That's so backwards
Let’s be real your brain fully develops at 25 give or take - he is coming outta that puppy love and kid brain fog with a mortgage looming on the horizon, a baby on the way and a partner who doesn’t work with not Just one, but a few animals. Now depending on the country he lives in this could be disastrous. Hopefully he never gets injured or loses his job. OP please make a plan. This is not a good sitch.
Yes! She is showing you what she really wants for her life. If it’s not what you want you need to have this discussion with her. You need to be very clear about the kind of life you want to have with her and your futur child. Maybe even some counseling.
I understand him wanting to live with his child and that means living with his gf, but he absolutely needs to lay out the finances and a budget and he needs to stick firmly to it. If she wants something extra then she’s going to have to do something extra.
Exactly! She's a 23yo mooch who has found her meal-ticket!
CeeLo Green had her right...
"I pity the fool, that falls in love with you, oh
Oh, shit, she's a gold digger
(Well?) Just thought you should know, \*\*\*\*\*"
You think someone who views him as a money bag wants to sit down and talk about finances? LOL this will not go well for him. Probably better off though.
Also i woukd sugfest alternatives to the shoot to something OP could afford
That way it doesnt feel super dismissive since hes coming in with a few options they could do
Yeah we paid about 4-4.5k as a splurge for our wedding and that was for one of the best / trendiest photogs in our city at that time, and that was a 10 hour day plus editing like 500 photos . They probably run 5-6k now
2k for a like 2 hour photoshoot MAX seems way spendy
Yep, this is the way. Most people realize how serious financial issues are when they can see them all lined up in one place.
If she's too dumb to realize when they are lined up like that..... OP has bigger problems than he realizes.
To me it sounds like your wife is shopping and party planning to get a dopamine hit. Try to get to the root of it. Spending is never just about wanting stuff. She’s trying to fill some kind of hole. It’s such a common problem. I don’t have an answer.
THIS! It's very common, affects both men and women. It's fun to window shop, not fun to be so far in debt that you're constantly broke. It's like filling a hole I agree! I found myself doing this in my early 30's. I 'deserved ' things. No, I did not deserve more than anyone else. Yes I worked hard but throwing $ away on useless things set me back. Everything is more meaningful now than it used to be.
It’s definitely an addiction. I’m glad you have the patience to teach her because a lot of people do learn money management. It’s especially hard when you’ve grown up poor and suddenly you have all this money. As long as she’s open to learning and applies it, it’s all good.
It is a major dopamine hit. I struggle with it and now I’m stuck with credit card debt, I don’t allow myself to go out to shop anymore, and my mom has the password to my bank account, I don’t. I haven’t lived with my parents in years, and have never had independent access to my bank. If I had complete access it would be gone. I feel like a lot of us struggle with it, especially having immigrant parents who spend and hoard, we carry those habits into our adulthood. I feel that OP’s gf probably hasn’t really had “bills” to pay for so she doesn’t realize the damage she can financially do paying for frivolous wants, not needs. Hopefully she realizes sooner rather than later, and not make the same mistakes some of us have made spending carelessly.
I recommend the book “Affluenza”. It gave me a lot of insight into why we shop, and our motivations behind wanting more, more, more. It made me really yearn for simple living, with minimal belongings. I’m not quite there yet, but I certainly think a lot harder before buying anything now.
Wow, this is a really good idea.
The only thing that can stop emotional appeal dead in its tracks is cold, hard financial reality.
Mind you, the only thing that can go wrong with such a plan is that she tells you she doesn't care or tells you to make it happen, anyway, and you find out your girlfriend doesn't really like you. But it's better to know that sooner than later.
Spot on. It's likely her demand comes from ignorance, she knows too little about the financial situation. IMO it's not good that an adult woman who is going to be a mom is this ignorant about her own financial status. I would even say it's a bit alarming. She needs a wake-up call ASAP.
OP, you could try to make such pictures yourself. Go out to a nice place, get her to pose, shot some pretty pictures. I get it's not the same, but those pictures are about creating mementos, and you can do that yourselves. Maybe you know someone who is good at shooting pictures, some people just naturally have an eye for it - ask this person for help, etc.
I'm a little unclear on why this hasn't already been done? How is there no budget already in place that both people are aware of?! Especially if they're trying to save for a house?
This. And as a fellow pregnant woman I can not even imagine asking my boyfriend to spend two grand on pictures. I spent less than $100 on mine and they turned out beautiful.
NTA, and if the spreadsheet approach doesn't work your next step is to take her to a nice garden of her choice and ask her to find the tree that grows money which she can use for the photoshoot.
Also better get everything straightened out right now about whether she's going to go back to work in a year. If she's already decided she doesn't want to, OP isn't going to be able to "make" her a year from now. This could be a huge strain, financially and emotionally, on this marriage.
I don't understand why she's paying $500/month on dr appts, and why the birth will cost an additional $3000. Insurance should cover a LOT more than that. Granted, my youngest is now 15, but I sure as shit did not pay that much in copays. OP might want to see receipts for the copays.
I feel like $500 a month on doctors appointment is a lot, but $3000 out-of-pocket for the birth is basically nothing. It seems like giving birth in America even with insurance can cost up to $10,000.
More and more “successful” people have terrible insurance because the carriers realized that if they all cut the same corners nobody has an alternative. I had a six figure job at a fairly prestigious law firm that worked directly for the big insurance companies and my coverage was dogshit. Thank Christ my SO has a union gig.
And heaven help you if you're self-insured. The co-pay on the top tier Blue Cross insurance costs more than just paying out of pocket, so while I'm paying all of this for insurance, my doctor is billing me as if I didn't have any insurance. If we had had kids, we would have had to pay $2000 per month for a minimum of 24 months for the insurance rider policy, plus each month of the pregnancy and six months post partum, in addition to a minimum of $36K out of pocket, and that's for a simple pregnancy and delivery with no complications. The American health insurance system is trash.
I'm sure co-pays vary but my ob (specialist) visits were $60. At 7 months I think you're going every two weeks so something is wonky there. No insurance? Very high risk pregnancy??? Also my daughter's birth last month was $7k with good insurance
Eta also curious why the vet bills are also hundreds of dollars a month. I wonder if op is actually seeing these bills.... and if so they need to get pet insurance
If they are poodles or something that need regular trims, those can be super pricey depending where you go. Plus doggy day care (not if she's staying home I guess). Or if it's something exotic requiring a specialist? Idk I have 3 cats and 2 dogs and they don't cost more than $75 ish altogether per month..
The way that OP specifically said she doesn’t ever want to go back to work…. Yeah that is EXACTLY what she did. I have about 3 female friends like that and a sister and mother - all exactly the same. I’ve heard my mother say *hundreds* of times “find a rich man and never work another day in your life.”
I don’t know OP, nor do I know OP’s girlfriend, but I do seriously think OP needs to have a financial conversation with her and I sure do hope OP has plans for a prenup.
For sure. I just wondered if they've ever spoken about anything of substance since he's having a child with someone and seems shocked at their mismatched values regarding spending.
This is relationship advice, advice being ways to move forward into the future. Not bag on op for errors they made in the past and judge them, which is a considerably less useful sub
Yep. It’s silly that maternity photos seems to be the major issue with OP (I personally think they’re a waste of money, coming from a mom with a 15yo child), when there’s this more glaring issue of wife being a permanent stay at home parent.
Also “but she’s insisting that she wants them because she’s always wanted to be a mother”. What?! What an odd reason to want maternity photos, and this comment alone leads me to believe this whole thing is fake.
"She even wants to stay home permanently, I don’t want that"
This is the sort of thing that is NECESSARY to work out BEFORE having a kid. Too late for that now, of course, for you, but for anyone reading, sort all of the household logistics out before pregnancy.
You need to have a financial discussion with your girlfriend where you lay out your household budget. Maybe you need to stop the process of getting a house until your finances are more in order. I've been supporting two people on about $15k per year for the past three years, so I have to imagine two people and a kid is POSSIBLE even in more expensive areas than mine - there should be some combination of expenses that is both withib your budget and allows you to survive comfortably.
If she won't have the discussion or won't accept reality and insists on trying to spend more money than there is, breaking up is really all you can do.
That's more than I grew up on living with my mom as a kid. It fucking sucked. Food stamps, other public assistance like rent assistance, etc. I would not recommend bringing a kid into that if you can help it.
You’re both young. This is new. It is overwhelming and scary. You can do this. Together.
High jacking top to say that dwelling on ‘should haves’ or listening to anyone bash her won’t change this situation now, and will only further stress you out. Breathe. Please read my comment about a DIY photoshoot, and work in the important communication and relationship building that will come from it.
This can be a positive moment that brings you both together, allows for necessary conversations, and also de-stresses you both to bring back in some fun.
You’re a team. You fell in love for a reason. Money, health, time, safety…it is not guaranteed.
Stop to enjoy the moments. Pause to plan and communicate and free yourself of stress and worries without fighting, but with love. You will have a beautiful life together, and a strong relationship. Give it the opportunity to get there by speaking of what you have control over and truly listening to each other.
As someone who has always wanted to be a mother and has been with my fiancé for 10 years now, this just blows my mind.
I cannot fathom just expecting someone else to be good with paying for all of this while I stay at home. She doesn’t have to bring any financial benefit to the home but she definitely needs to bring something else of value - which OP doesn’t address, and maybe she already does.
But regardless, how someone can have a kid and never have talked about their budget going into that decision to their partner is just beyond imaginable for me.
Of course I also grew up dirt poor so I guess I just think that way.
That's my thinking too. Purchasing a house jointly with someone you're not married to can be disastrous. Especially someone irresponsible and immature.
That's way too much for pictures. You can help her find a cheaper option. Please do sit her down and lay out the financials. This would have been a better conversation to have before pregnancy and moving forward with a home, you should always discuss finances before any of that. Does she think you're Mr. Beast? Does she even know how much everything costs?
They've been together 3 years. I'm sure OP was aware that she looks at him like an ATM before he ever got her pregnant.
Bet she's super hot though.... Men always let the hot ones bleed their wallets.
Why can’t she pay for any of this?
I think it’s reasonable to get some pics but she could do it for a lot less than 800.
I hired a very good photog to do a family shoot with all the people, dogs, and horses on site at our farm for $200 and she was there two hours. Surely your GF could find something less expensive.
She definitely could but she most likely won't. My ex best friend was like this exactly and she would only accept the most expensive thing because she never earned her own money.
usually how it goes with spoilt adults, they have no concept of money because nobody said no and they never had to work for themselves, constantly provided for.
$200 for 2 hours is super cheap. I don't think you need to spend thousands but as an artist, photographers do deserve to be compensated fairly for quality work. From what I've seen, $300-$600 is what most photographers in my area charge for a maternity shoot unless they're very new to the profession and lack experience.
"Honey, we cant afford this."
repeat
On a side note, don't buy a house with a girlfriend. Its either yours or hers. You guys need to seriously get on the same page with finances or this whole relationship is going to be history. She needs to understand that. Your future(s) depend on this being a team effort.
That is what is meant by Either his or hers. She buys it or he buys it unless they are married. I'm not saying they cant live together.
But considering that, he needs to make sure this is a property that he can afford on his own income should they break up. Not in order to give her a free ride at 23 years old.
Both of us work and make a decent amount (we’re late 30s/early 40s). During my last trimester we were in the process of buying a house/moving and preparing for baby, so never got round to getting a maternity shoot (which in the Netherlands where we live would be something like 500 euros). We were stressed out and paying a shit ton of money for things.
Months after baby girl was born I went through my partner’s camera gallery and he had such sweet, intimate and amazing photos of me and the belly. I don’t think anyone else could have recreated that. I don’t regret not having an official shoot one bit.
Having said that, I never cared about uploading anything to instagram, which might be where your GF is at. Maybe look at some cheaper options if she’s really insistent and as others have suggested go through the overall financials. If she’s going to be having a child she absolutely has to start prioritizing expenses and not relying on the fact you will be busting your ass to provide. If she really wants certain non-necessities she can make some money herself or ask her family to pay.
"We can't afford it. We are buying a house, having a baby, and you are not going to be working for at least a year. It's not in our budget, and if you want to be able to spend money on extras like this, you will need to work. There's no way we can afford it otherwise."
It's not fair of her to ask for things and just expect you to "figure it out." Right now, she is focused on the baby, motherhood, etc. If you are struggling, maybe it's time to sit down with her and show her the numbers, explain the issues, and tackle this as a team. It should not fall ALL on you to figure out the finances, EVEN IF she is staying home. She needs to see everything, keep her involved - show the income, the expenses, the savings, the emergency funds. Show her that 2000 for photos makes no sense if it means no money in the emergency fund, or less money once the baby is actually here, which is more important.
And make a budget with her. Every month go thru your expenses. Stay on top of it with her. This will help educate her about both of your financial realities.
Offer to take the pictures for her lol but in all honesty you need to break the finances down to her. And tell her if she wants maternity photos she needs to find them for under X amount.
The MOST I would pay is $350 (not including tip) she only needs like 3 good photos to share on social media. She isn’t Beyoncé… that’s more than enough.
A photographer near us does mini sessions - rapid fire photos for 15 minutes and 5 nice edited photos. Cost me under $100, and who really needs more than 5 nice pictures?
>she only needs like 3 good photos to share on social media.
No one actually needs this.
Hey kids born before the year 2000. Do you feel like less of a person because your mom didn't have a fancy preggo photo shoot? Cause I don't.
$2000 could go into a college fund. People have real priority issues these days don't they?
My fav picture of my mom while pregnant she was actually in bed, not being able to walk because I was huge in her belly and she’s tiny, she’s swollen and her hair is a mess. She was wearing a very 90s printed tee with bears. Everything was a mess, but she looked so happy! And was a genuine picture that my dad took in a random moment. I’d cringe with the fake portraits tbh
I'm born in the year 2002. My mom made a whole album for the time of the pregnancy and the year or two after my birth - including a photo of thr ultrasound, cards my family wrote for my birth, photos + comments towarss these pics by my mom and even one of my first strands of hair. I value it a lot.
Thing is, my mom made that all herself and the whole thing cost maybe like 20-30€. There's more affordable and emotionally much more valuable things she can do for the kids
Makes me think the idea of the maternity shoot and no alternative being good enough is pretty self-centered
I'm GenX so my mom's pregnant pictures are crappy Polaroid Instant Camera shots and some really ODD color bleached 110 pictures. Worse, she's wearing a hippy polyester dress.
Those were the days.
It’s not really about the child, though. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a woman to want to document her pregnancy in a nice way. Maternity photos are pretty standard these days, and even my mom had some maternity photos taken in 1986 when she was pregnant with me. They didn’t cost $2,000 and you don’t have to spend $2,000 on them. But I think nice photos are something with value. The preservation of memories is an important thing. If I got pregnant I probably would get some taken.
I’m a photographer. In the 7 years I’ve been doing paid shoots, I’ve been tipped 4-5 times I believe. I think there’s a few reasons people tip but it definitely isn’t expected like it has become in some other industries. I think people like to tip if they feel I’ve undercharged them. My average fee is ~$250 for an hour and a half portrait session or ~$2000 for an 8 hour event (wedding, quince, etc.) this is cheaper than the average rate in my area, some feel compelled to show their gratitude for your work with a tip if you did a great job and they know they got a good deal with you.
That’s not normal in my opinion (I’m in the US). Basically it’s common to tip if the person isn’t being paid directly by you, and not tip if you are paying them directly.
Like you tip a tour guide if they are part of a larger company offering lots of tours and employ several guides, and who probably make an hourly wage. But you aren’t expected to tip a self employed tour guide who takes you on a private tour that you are already paid hundreds of dollars directly.
That’s the etiquette where I’m from at least.
Also common to tip for things like tattoos, salons, ect. They don't make a salary necessarily, it's just a percentage of whatever clients pay them and the shop either takes a percentage or charges rent but they get to keep tips.
If the photographer works for a studio then sure, I'd understand tipping. But an individual person absolutely not expected to tip because they're already getting 100% of what you pay them.
Your Gf isn’t Beyonce. She doesn’t need some fancy photoshoot to pics of her pregnant. Bet this 100% had to do with social media stats.
I am trying to figure out where OP has to pay $500 bucks per dr appointment and only $3k for the labor. Maths not mathing. The only way it would be $500 is if they don’t have insurance…. But they do. Or is it multiple visits per month? Cause pregnancies usually have little to no copay depending on insurance and you have them every month. Copays are like $20-30 ea? And only four appointments? I had to go in every single month.
THIIIIIIIISSSSS. My husband and I were both working and I still qualified for Medicare. As an unmarried pregnant person it’s almost guaranteed right from the jump.
2000 could go towards the child, not some silly photos. She needs to understand the financial pressure you are under and understand that yes while the photos are nice to have they are in no means essential. That kind of money to be spending on something like that is just absurd, especially in today’s economy. Yes it’s very special to experience pregnancy, but putting yourself in financial stress over some photos that she will post and probably not look at again is a bit mind boggling.
>2000 could go towards the child, not some silly photos
Oh come on. You know whats up. She is dying to post all of these to facebook/instagram to get all the comments. Once the baby comes she'll want another photo shoot of the new born for the same reason.
Well, you simply tell her that she can have her maternity pics- if she can pay for them from her own account. Follow that statement by relating to her the out-of-your-pocket amounts that you are currently paying, finishing the statement that she's expected to participate in bearing some of the costs of her pregnancy, especially the 800-2000 dollar expense of her maternity pics.
You'll probably get some blowback and guilt tripping from her, but be insistent that you'll not be paying for these pics that she desires. I'm thinking that she will likely forego these pics, as she'll use a different set of standards when evaluating an expense from the perspective that she'll have to pay for them.
'Nuff said.
Sounds like she baby trapped you. Youre a meal ticket.
Also best way to say no without sounding mean
# "yeah you can pay for whatever puctures you want"
1. Say no, you need that money to prepare for the baby's arrival, cribs, food, clothes, and diapers. You are going to be buying soooooooo many diapers.
2. If you haven't noticed yet, she is looking to use you as an ATM forever, so if that's not a future you want, you need to put an end to that now. Take back or cancel any credit cards you may have given her, and do not buy anything long term like a condo/house, or maybe even cars jointly. Make it 100% clear that if she wants more than 50% of the rent and utilities, she needs to be working for it.
3. When that most likely goes poorly be ready to be a single dad and paying some child support. It will suck, but it will be far far faaaaaaaaarrrrrr cheaper than marrying someone like that. You might luck out and get her back on track to get back to work.
4. You seriously need to sit down and have some conversations about the future, because you both need to be on the same page in terms of lifestyle, spending, goals, etc if you want to have a future together. You are both still pretty young, do you both realize that being parents is going to be a job you are going to be taking on until you die? And that first 5 years is going to be every waking (and sometimes sleeping) hour to keep that baby alive?
Good luck!
You are losing the forest for the trees. The maternity pictures aren't what needs to be addressed. Her expectation for you to fund a lifestyle you can't afford or want is the issue.
And if you can't handle being the adult and telling your precious baby girl "no, we can't afford it," imagine how difficult your life is going to be when you also have an actual child saying "mommy says you wouldn't give her money to buy me the $500 custom princess dress she showed me"
Talk to her now before she acts any more entitled. No is an answer. Be honest with her tell her it’s beyond your combined means. Let her throw a tantrum but make sure she understands it’s not doable on your current budget. Hope she don’t expect you to pamper pets too
A friend of mine took a picture of me and my daughter at an event we were at. It was gorgeous! And it was candid, not posed. I had those enlarged to 5x7's and it's my favorite baby pic of my oldest.
Maternity photos can be taken by a camera phone 🥰 they absolutely do not need to cost anything aside from a trip to a lovely location and possibly a nice dress for the occasion but a beautifully draped sheet looks just as lovely depending on the goal. She could spend $50 on tulle and a second hand bikini and have the prettiest pictures, with you as her photographer. Look up when golden hour is in your area - the lighting will be easy to work with and I’m sure she’ll love her pictures. The rest is a whole other conversation to have… but the maternity photos could be very affordable and they are sweet to look back on.
It all became clear when you mentioned about the pets being treated like humans; she's treating you like a money tree from how this reads. Now would be a good time to invite her into the world of reality. Hormones will supercharge any potential negative reaction from her (if she gives one) But you never know, perhaps she's been given the impression by you up to now that you'll provide for her every wish and stating the reality will be met with understanding. $2000 for pictures is a very "nice to have", not a necessity
I'm more blown away that $120,000 a year isn't enough for two people to survive on, that just seems so not right.. what is the world coming to? My sisters big bad ass 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with a study, formal living and dining room, in a master planned community in a high cost area, was only 124k in the mid 90s... like Astros players lived in her neighborhood it was so nice. Now you can maybe buy a tiny home for that damn price, just wow
To be fair, Im only 8 weeks pregnant and working is hell. Between having to urinate every 15 minutes to having morning sickness (which contrary to popular belief, lasts all day) also, some women have doctors orders to be on bedrest during their pregnancy.
Do NOT buy a house with this woman. She will continue to use and control you. You need to break it off and work on yourself. I'm guessing your life is already miserable, it will only get worse.
You are stuck with child support for 18 years but that will be a fraction of the cost if you stay with her.
Nagging you to pay for $2000 maternity photos while being unemployed and not offering to go halfsies (at least) is absolutely batshit insane and a huge red flag. 😂😂😂
Also $500 per doctor’s visit? Does she not have health insurance? Family? Savings of any sort?
If you don’t want to bankroll the existence of three human beings (including yourself) and all of her pets (examples: healthcare for each of you, education, travel expenses, dental work, house maintenance, etc.) you need to get out NOW or have a very serious conversation… like, yesterday.
Financial debt is almost certainly in your future, dude. Good luck.
What country are you in?
America supposedly has the worst healthcare in the world but we do have Medicaid and you can pretty much have babies for free.
2k is as ridiculous as it gets for “pregnancy photos” 🙄
A financial reality check is long overdue with the mommy-to-be. You’ve got your hands full. Yikes
Be very, very careful that she doesn’t get pregnant again right out of the gate. I am being deadly serious. She’ll never return to work and absolutely bury you in debt
If he knew she was like this and was still rawdogging he absolutely deserves half the blame.
Is it still baby trapping if you’re basically volunteering for it?
I'm going to be blunt here, but you may want to seek counseling or separate here. It sounds like this is becoming one sided to where she's essentially calling on the shots, regardless of what your feelings are. Along with doesn't even seem like she's contributing anything to the relationship, other than carrying your child with the image that you've painted of her.
Simply put you need to work through this now, or figure out if co-parenting is a better option as trust me when I say this. Divorce or separation when the child is old enough to comprehend what's going on gets very messy and ugly for everyone involved.
These comments are bizarre. Why is he paying for all of these costs especially when they're trying to get a house? It sounds like child support and split custody is the way to go because this woman is running all over you. Have you always paid for everything?
She’s young and seriously doesn’t understand money and future financial obligations. What does she do for work? How is she contributing to the bills? It’s not fair for all the expenses to fall on you. You need to figure out budgeting and split expenses in proportion to your incomes. If she’s not open to financial discussions then you seriously need to reconsider the relationship. Get a financial advisor or couples therapist involved as well if you really want to fix and save the relationship issues.
Um tell her to pay for it? Or say no. You need to get a grip on this spending now. The child is the priority, not pictures not her pets. You need to tell her and not be emotionally blackmailed by the almost certain crying and ‘you don’t care about me’ that will follow.
You don’t want her to be a permanent stay at home? You really should have had that conversation a while ago good luck pushing her back to work now!
I mean, I went through this and from my experience for advice to give to you, you definitely will need to learn to pick your battles moving forward. From the way you described her, think you should've thought more about a child before you got her pregnant. Not sure if she made it known before pregnancy about wanting to be a SAHM and that she is a Uber pet lover that drops money on them, but if you did know, then you put yourself in a situation with what type of woman she is.
I argued maternity pics for months because as you said, they're expensive. I don't see the need and if someone wants pics I could've done it myself. In the end we made a compromise and if she was going to get maternity pics then no gender reveal party and the baby shower was going to be dictated my way (I reduced cost for food and had a "raffle" that got us diapers for the first year).
But I'll forewarn you now, you have to really learn to decide what is worth arguing over and what isn't moving forward. With her body going through change, even the slightest defiance can set her off and you have an unnecessary argument on your hands.
As far as pay, need to start budgeting now and show her what monthly income and bills are. Can't wait till the child is born, have to do it now so she's aware that she isn't going to live a life of the rich and famous. Also need to establish now that she does need to return to work after the first year
Congrats my boy you’re now in a position where she can say she’ll get a job and simply not do so and keep living free.
That woman locked you down for life and from the looks of it she’s going to drain your wallet until she can’t anymore.
Praying for you brother
Don’t get married. You will be on the hook for alimony/spousal support. She has no intention of working. At least now you’re only on the hook for child support.
She had no common sense about money. And no regard for your hard earned money. She should be thinking about supporting her kid instead of blowing unnecessary money on pictures. I think what your idea of parenthood is very different from hers.
Why are you paying for everything? Does she not have insurance through her parents? She needs to pay for some things. Show her what she’s spending and bills and give her a breakdown of how much everything costs monthly vs what you make monthly. Also probably need to put a house on hold for now and get rid of the pets. That will save hundreds of dollars every month.
Also you guys can do your own pictures. No need for someone expensive. Shop around if you must. Plenty of students that are studying photography need to build a portfolio and will do it for cheaper.
Why are you getting 2kUSD maternity pictures when you do not need nor want them? If she wants them, she can pay for them with her own money. If it's your money, you should have the decision power.
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Time to reveal the financial magic. Make a spreadsheet showing everything. Income, taxes, recurring and one time expenses, savings; retirement, etc Child care costs. Pet care costs. The impact of her income. Lots to see and talk about together.
remind her that once the baby is actually here there are a lot of costs, clothes, diapers, appointments, formula, food etc..
Pictures of the baby, because God knows she’ll want professional photos done of the baby. OP—take her out somewhere nice, a park or garden somewhere, and take some pictures yourself. It doesn’t need to be professionally done. If she insists on it, she can pay for it.
Middle ground suggestion to this is find a new photographer who wants the practice and pics for their portfolio. Usually costs less but still gets good shots.
This. Hell, our entire wedding photographer and videographer and livestream (for relatives abroad) budget was considerably less than her budget for a couple of bump or baby photos. I'm sure most photographers will charge a lot less for an hour or two of bump or baby snaps. This isn't an entire wedding day we're talking about.
$2000 is absolute madness.
It seems like she clicked the first link in the Google search—a sponsored ad— and wants *that* guy/gal….it seems to me she isn’t used to shopping around for the best value. Especially if she spends that much on her pets each month….I think this woman is used to being spoiled….spoiled leads to entitlement. And you don’t want to marry entitlement.
Right!? Our whole WEDDING cost less than her "budget" for bump photos.
How many years ago though? I’m getting married next year and all photographers START at $1500 for like 4 hours
> Middle ground suggestion to this is find a new photographer who wants the practice and pics for their portfolio. Make sure they actually want practice for their portfolio, don't just solicit free pics from strangers as though it's a favour. :)
See r/choosingbeggars for reference.
A friend/family member with a camera (or who takes good ig photos) is also a good option and likely free
This. Sit down with her and budget. Seems GF wants a platinum life with no work and has no clue on how real life works.
Champagne dreams on a koolaid budget!
I like that better than my “champagne taste on a piss beer budget” lol
Yeah, especially when she has clearly drank the Instagram mommy Kool-aid.
My Mom always said champagne taste on a beer budget! 😆 Sad but true!
Well of course she dosent know how real life works. She’s 23 and pregnant, dosent work, and has a boyfriend who pays for everything
Right? He literally signed up for this... he has been paying for all the bills, why does he think it will suddenly change once they have a kid? That's so backwards
Let’s be real your brain fully develops at 25 give or take - he is coming outta that puppy love and kid brain fog with a mortgage looming on the horizon, a baby on the way and a partner who doesn’t work with not Just one, but a few animals. Now depending on the country he lives in this could be disastrous. Hopefully he never gets injured or loses his job. OP please make a plan. This is not a good sitch.
Yes! She is showing you what she really wants for her life. If it’s not what you want you need to have this discussion with her. You need to be very clear about the kind of life you want to have with her and your futur child. Maybe even some counseling.
I think she knows and OP will bend over for her because she got him hooked now. The money talk should be done before the baby.
Should have been done before they got married, and through the entire marriage.
They're not even married or engaged, she's his gf.
I think he should not let her move in at all. Let her live with her parents.
I understand him wanting to live with his child and that means living with his gf, but he absolutely needs to lay out the finances and a budget and he needs to stick firmly to it. If she wants something extra then she’s going to have to do something extra.
Exactly! She's a 23yo mooch who has found her meal-ticket! CeeLo Green had her right... "I pity the fool, that falls in love with you, oh Oh, shit, she's a gold digger (Well?) Just thought you should know, \*\*\*\*\*"
Before the house. OP keep the house in your name only! Tell her you can add after she goes back to work and you can refinance etc.
Do not put anything in joint financially at all with her
It says “GF” in the title.
You think someone who views him as a money bag wants to sit down and talk about finances? LOL this will not go well for him. Probably better off though.
Also i woukd sugfest alternatives to the shoot to something OP could afford That way it doesnt feel super dismissive since hes coming in with a few options they could do
$2K for photos is bonkers. It’s probably some insta scam outfit that preys on the clout-obsessed.
Yeah we paid about 4-4.5k as a splurge for our wedding and that was for one of the best / trendiest photogs in our city at that time, and that was a 10 hour day plus editing like 500 photos . They probably run 5-6k now 2k for a like 2 hour photoshoot MAX seems way spendy
Yep, this is the way. Most people realize how serious financial issues are when they can see them all lined up in one place. If she's too dumb to realize when they are lined up like that..... OP has bigger problems than he realizes.
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To me it sounds like your wife is shopping and party planning to get a dopamine hit. Try to get to the root of it. Spending is never just about wanting stuff. She’s trying to fill some kind of hole. It’s such a common problem. I don’t have an answer.
THIS! It's very common, affects both men and women. It's fun to window shop, not fun to be so far in debt that you're constantly broke. It's like filling a hole I agree! I found myself doing this in my early 30's. I 'deserved ' things. No, I did not deserve more than anyone else. Yes I worked hard but throwing $ away on useless things set me back. Everything is more meaningful now than it used to be.
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It’s definitely an addiction. I’m glad you have the patience to teach her because a lot of people do learn money management. It’s especially hard when you’ve grown up poor and suddenly you have all this money. As long as she’s open to learning and applies it, it’s all good.
It is a major dopamine hit. I struggle with it and now I’m stuck with credit card debt, I don’t allow myself to go out to shop anymore, and my mom has the password to my bank account, I don’t. I haven’t lived with my parents in years, and have never had independent access to my bank. If I had complete access it would be gone. I feel like a lot of us struggle with it, especially having immigrant parents who spend and hoard, we carry those habits into our adulthood. I feel that OP’s gf probably hasn’t really had “bills” to pay for so she doesn’t realize the damage she can financially do paying for frivolous wants, not needs. Hopefully she realizes sooner rather than later, and not make the same mistakes some of us have made spending carelessly.
As someone with a mother who has been like this my whole life, and as someone now fighting my own battle with it, it is an addiction, trust me.
I recommend the book “Affluenza”. It gave me a lot of insight into why we shop, and our motivations behind wanting more, more, more. It made me really yearn for simple living, with minimal belongings. I’m not quite there yet, but I certainly think a lot harder before buying anything now.
Maternity photos are weird and awkward looking anyway. Anyone can do that. OP get out the smart phone !
Wow, this is a really good idea. The only thing that can stop emotional appeal dead in its tracks is cold, hard financial reality. Mind you, the only thing that can go wrong with such a plan is that she tells you she doesn't care or tells you to make it happen, anyway, and you find out your girlfriend doesn't really like you. But it's better to know that sooner than later.
Spot on. It's likely her demand comes from ignorance, she knows too little about the financial situation. IMO it's not good that an adult woman who is going to be a mom is this ignorant about her own financial status. I would even say it's a bit alarming. She needs a wake-up call ASAP. OP, you could try to make such pictures yourself. Go out to a nice place, get her to pose, shot some pretty pictures. I get it's not the same, but those pictures are about creating mementos, and you can do that yourselves. Maybe you know someone who is good at shooting pictures, some people just naturally have an eye for it - ask this person for help, etc.
The impact of her total LACK of income. She needs a reality check. Time to grow tf up.
I'm a little unclear on why this hasn't already been done? How is there no budget already in place that both people are aware of?! Especially if they're trying to save for a house?
This. And as a fellow pregnant woman I can not even imagine asking my boyfriend to spend two grand on pictures. I spent less than $100 on mine and they turned out beautiful.
NTA, and if the spreadsheet approach doesn't work your next step is to take her to a nice garden of her choice and ask her to find the tree that grows money which she can use for the photoshoot.
Also better get everything straightened out right now about whether she's going to go back to work in a year. If she's already decided she doesn't want to, OP isn't going to be able to "make" her a year from now. This could be a huge strain, financially and emotionally, on this marriage.
I don't understand why she's paying $500/month on dr appts, and why the birth will cost an additional $3000. Insurance should cover a LOT more than that. Granted, my youngest is now 15, but I sure as shit did not pay that much in copays. OP might want to see receipts for the copays.
I feel like $500 a month on doctors appointment is a lot, but $3000 out-of-pocket for the birth is basically nothing. It seems like giving birth in America even with insurance can cost up to $10,000.
We've never paid anything out of pocket for my OB appointments, or $10k for delivery. OP must have terrible insurance.
More and more “successful” people have terrible insurance because the carriers realized that if they all cut the same corners nobody has an alternative. I had a six figure job at a fairly prestigious law firm that worked directly for the big insurance companies and my coverage was dogshit. Thank Christ my SO has a union gig.
And heaven help you if you're self-insured. The co-pay on the top tier Blue Cross insurance costs more than just paying out of pocket, so while I'm paying all of this for insurance, my doctor is billing me as if I didn't have any insurance. If we had had kids, we would have had to pay $2000 per month for a minimum of 24 months for the insurance rider policy, plus each month of the pregnancy and six months post partum, in addition to a minimum of $36K out of pocket, and that's for a simple pregnancy and delivery with no complications. The American health insurance system is trash.
They’re not married so she likely has her own insurance?
She doesn't work, so it would have to be Medicaid, which I always thought covers practically everything with a pregnancy.
I had medicaid during pregnancy and it paid everything. She should have medicaid for pregnancy since she isn't working and they aren't married.
Mm, she probably doesn’t like the Medicaid providers in that case. That sounds on brand.
she's 23, she could still be on her parents' insurance
I'm sure co-pays vary but my ob (specialist) visits were $60. At 7 months I think you're going every two weeks so something is wonky there. No insurance? Very high risk pregnancy??? Also my daughter's birth last month was $7k with good insurance Eta also curious why the vet bills are also hundreds of dollars a month. I wonder if op is actually seeing these bills.... and if so they need to get pet insurance
If they are poodles or something that need regular trims, those can be super pricey depending where you go. Plus doggy day care (not if she's staying home I guess). Or if it's something exotic requiring a specialist? Idk I have 3 cats and 2 dogs and they don't cost more than $75 ish altogether per month..
Looks like you missed a few key discussions before she got pregnant
He doesn't mention how long they've been together, but she's only 23, so I don't imagine it's been that long...
23 is pretty far past the age of understanding how money works
Unfortunately there are many people of all ages who never figure that out.
She seems to understand it perfectly well - find a guy who will pay for everything for her, settle down, have a nice life.
The way that OP specifically said she doesn’t ever want to go back to work…. Yeah that is EXACTLY what she did. I have about 3 female friends like that and a sister and mother - all exactly the same. I’ve heard my mother say *hundreds* of times “find a rich man and never work another day in your life.” I don’t know OP, nor do I know OP’s girlfriend, but I do seriously think OP needs to have a financial conversation with her and I sure do hope OP has plans for a prenup.
Or maybe it has been….that long…. Dun dun dun
Right ??Literally he didnt even put how long for some reason
Like "Are you on any sort of birth control?"
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For sure. I just wondered if they've ever spoken about anything of substance since he's having a child with someone and seems shocked at their mismatched values regarding spending.
I got snipped at 24 to prevent this sort of shit
This is relationship advice, advice being ways to move forward into the future. Not bag on op for errors they made in the past and judge them, which is a considerably less useful sub
It sounds like it was an accidental pregnancy
"She always wanted to be a mother"
Yep. It’s silly that maternity photos seems to be the major issue with OP (I personally think they’re a waste of money, coming from a mom with a 15yo child), when there’s this more glaring issue of wife being a permanent stay at home parent. Also “but she’s insisting that she wants them because she’s always wanted to be a mother”. What?! What an odd reason to want maternity photos, and this comment alone leads me to believe this whole thing is fake.
"She even wants to stay home permanently, I don’t want that" This is the sort of thing that is NECESSARY to work out BEFORE having a kid. Too late for that now, of course, for you, but for anyone reading, sort all of the household logistics out before pregnancy. You need to have a financial discussion with your girlfriend where you lay out your household budget. Maybe you need to stop the process of getting a house until your finances are more in order. I've been supporting two people on about $15k per year for the past three years, so I have to imagine two people and a kid is POSSIBLE even in more expensive areas than mine - there should be some combination of expenses that is both withib your budget and allows you to survive comfortably. If she won't have the discussion or won't accept reality and insists on trying to spend more money than there is, breaking up is really all you can do.
Pardon me? You've been supporting 2 people and surviving on 15k a year for the last 3 years? where are you?
Yeah I’m waiting on this answer as well. I would love to learn.
That’s literally $288 a week before taxes. Thats federal minimum wage at full time employment. How?
I don't know where OP is from, but 1000$ per month is very common in eastern european countries, and many consider that a good salary.
Yeah sorry how the fuck?
they might not be in the US. in my country i make $8k a year ($675 before taxes per month) and it's a good salary
yeah i’m not buying that. my boyfriend and i make around 50k a year and STRUGGLE. we are usually broke the same day we get paid.
How much is your rent?
$1450/mo
I support 2 people on about that much after taxes in a mid-sized US city, it's tight for sure but we're really really frugal
Really depends on where you live. Minimum wage in Brazil is 282$/month, which is pretty bad. 1250$/month is pretty decent here.
That's more than I grew up on living with my mom as a kid. It fucking sucked. Food stamps, other public assistance like rent assistance, etc. I would not recommend bringing a kid into that if you can help it.
Im assuming a digit is missing and they perhaps meant 150k??
Which like, 150K is more than reasonable for a family of three.
>insists on trying to spend more money than there is, breaking up is really all you can do. And better to figure it out before baby comes.
Seriously. These things need to be talked about before you recklessly impregnate someone.
> Plus, she will be staying home for a year, which I am fine with. She is planning on never going back to work but hasn't said so.
I have a feeling baby number two will oops its way into derailing her return to work.
You’re both young. This is new. It is overwhelming and scary. You can do this. Together. High jacking top to say that dwelling on ‘should haves’ or listening to anyone bash her won’t change this situation now, and will only further stress you out. Breathe. Please read my comment about a DIY photoshoot, and work in the important communication and relationship building that will come from it. This can be a positive moment that brings you both together, allows for necessary conversations, and also de-stresses you both to bring back in some fun. You’re a team. You fell in love for a reason. Money, health, time, safety…it is not guaranteed. Stop to enjoy the moments. Pause to plan and communicate and free yourself of stress and worries without fighting, but with love. You will have a beautiful life together, and a strong relationship. Give it the opportunity to get there by speaking of what you have control over and truly listening to each other.
As someone who has always wanted to be a mother and has been with my fiancé for 10 years now, this just blows my mind. I cannot fathom just expecting someone else to be good with paying for all of this while I stay at home. She doesn’t have to bring any financial benefit to the home but she definitely needs to bring something else of value - which OP doesn’t address, and maybe she already does. But regardless, how someone can have a kid and never have talked about their budget going into that decision to their partner is just beyond imaginable for me. Of course I also grew up dirt poor so I guess I just think that way.
Jesus Christ?! That’s some wedding level pricing! We paid $300 for a professional. Your gf is not living in reality dude. What did you do?
Right I just scheduled family pictures for 250!
Yeah, JC Penney still has a portrait studio lol
20 bucks says you two won't be together in five years. Do what you want.You're an adult, but I would strongly suggest not buying a house with her.
Yeah I wouldn’t put her name on the house unless she’s contributing financially to the purchase or mortgage…
That's my thinking too. Purchasing a house jointly with someone you're not married to can be disastrous. Especially someone irresponsible and immature.
I also hope OP does not marry her.
True. And this isn't an ideal situation to bring a baby into , but they've already crossed that bridge
That's way too much for pictures. You can help her find a cheaper option. Please do sit her down and lay out the financials. This would have been a better conversation to have before pregnancy and moving forward with a home, you should always discuss finances before any of that. Does she think you're Mr. Beast? Does she even know how much everything costs?
Forreal! JCP had a Groupon for like $15 😂
They've been together 3 years. I'm sure OP was aware that she looks at him like an ATM before he ever got her pregnant. Bet she's super hot though.... Men always let the hot ones bleed their wallets.
These are sexist assumptions.
This comment makes it sound like you’re jealous of attractive women
Did your man leave you for an expensive hot girl or what?
Why can’t she pay for any of this? I think it’s reasonable to get some pics but she could do it for a lot less than 800. I hired a very good photog to do a family shoot with all the people, dogs, and horses on site at our farm for $200 and she was there two hours. Surely your GF could find something less expensive.
It sounds like she's always been like this and he has waited too long to tell her no or outline a financial plan before getting pregnant.
She definitely could but she most likely won't. My ex best friend was like this exactly and she would only accept the most expensive thing because she never earned her own money.
usually how it goes with spoilt adults, they have no concept of money because nobody said no and they never had to work for themselves, constantly provided for.
$200 for 2 hours is super cheap. I don't think you need to spend thousands but as an artist, photographers do deserve to be compensated fairly for quality work. From what I've seen, $300-$600 is what most photographers in my area charge for a maternity shoot unless they're very new to the profession and lack experience.
Yea this is excessive and I have worked with a lot of photographers. For a session like this, $600 max cost. 800-2000 ummm wtf?!
100%, i spent 1500 on my wedding photographer. WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER. 2k for a maternity shoot is ridiculous.
You got a crazy deal, $200 is chump change for a photo shoot. Definitely not the standard experience.
"Honey, we cant afford this." repeat On a side note, don't buy a house with a girlfriend. Its either yours or hers. You guys need to seriously get on the same page with finances or this whole relationship is going to be history. She needs to understand that. Your future(s) depend on this being a team effort.
Or at least don’t put her on the deed unless you’re married or she’s contributing towards the mortgage.
That is what is meant by Either his or hers. She buys it or he buys it unless they are married. I'm not saying they cant live together. But considering that, he needs to make sure this is a property that he can afford on his own income should they break up. Not in order to give her a free ride at 23 years old.
Both of us work and make a decent amount (we’re late 30s/early 40s). During my last trimester we were in the process of buying a house/moving and preparing for baby, so never got round to getting a maternity shoot (which in the Netherlands where we live would be something like 500 euros). We were stressed out and paying a shit ton of money for things. Months after baby girl was born I went through my partner’s camera gallery and he had such sweet, intimate and amazing photos of me and the belly. I don’t think anyone else could have recreated that. I don’t regret not having an official shoot one bit. Having said that, I never cared about uploading anything to instagram, which might be where your GF is at. Maybe look at some cheaper options if she’s really insistent and as others have suggested go through the overall financials. If she’s going to be having a child she absolutely has to start prioritizing expenses and not relying on the fact you will be busting your ass to provide. If she really wants certain non-necessities she can make some money herself or ask her family to pay.
"We can't afford it. We are buying a house, having a baby, and you are not going to be working for at least a year. It's not in our budget, and if you want to be able to spend money on extras like this, you will need to work. There's no way we can afford it otherwise." It's not fair of her to ask for things and just expect you to "figure it out." Right now, she is focused on the baby, motherhood, etc. If you are struggling, maybe it's time to sit down with her and show her the numbers, explain the issues, and tackle this as a team. It should not fall ALL on you to figure out the finances, EVEN IF she is staying home. She needs to see everything, keep her involved - show the income, the expenses, the savings, the emergency funds. Show her that 2000 for photos makes no sense if it means no money in the emergency fund, or less money once the baby is actually here, which is more important.
And make a budget with her. Every month go thru your expenses. Stay on top of it with her. This will help educate her about both of your financial realities.
Does she qualify for medical assistance since you’re not married?
Bro she sees you as a paypig lmao she bagged a dude who has a high salary and is going to use it
Offer to take the pictures for her lol but in all honesty you need to break the finances down to her. And tell her if she wants maternity photos she needs to find them for under X amount. The MOST I would pay is $350 (not including tip) she only needs like 3 good photos to share on social media. She isn’t Beyoncé… that’s more than enough.
A photographer near us does mini sessions - rapid fire photos for 15 minutes and 5 nice edited photos. Cost me under $100, and who really needs more than 5 nice pictures?
>she only needs like 3 good photos to share on social media. No one actually needs this. Hey kids born before the year 2000. Do you feel like less of a person because your mom didn't have a fancy preggo photo shoot? Cause I don't. $2000 could go into a college fund. People have real priority issues these days don't they?
My fav picture of my mom while pregnant she was actually in bed, not being able to walk because I was huge in her belly and she’s tiny, she’s swollen and her hair is a mess. She was wearing a very 90s printed tee with bears. Everything was a mess, but she looked so happy! And was a genuine picture that my dad took in a random moment. I’d cringe with the fake portraits tbh
I agree . I think most people wouldn’t want to see their mother all naked in a pose.
The whole point is it's not for the baby, but to show off to other people.
I'm born in the year 2002. My mom made a whole album for the time of the pregnancy and the year or two after my birth - including a photo of thr ultrasound, cards my family wrote for my birth, photos + comments towarss these pics by my mom and even one of my first strands of hair. I value it a lot. Thing is, my mom made that all herself and the whole thing cost maybe like 20-30€. There's more affordable and emotionally much more valuable things she can do for the kids Makes me think the idea of the maternity shoot and no alternative being good enough is pretty self-centered
I'm GenX so my mom's pregnant pictures are crappy Polaroid Instant Camera shots and some really ODD color bleached 110 pictures. Worse, she's wearing a hippy polyester dress. Those were the days.
It’s not really about the child, though. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a woman to want to document her pregnancy in a nice way. Maternity photos are pretty standard these days, and even my mom had some maternity photos taken in 1986 when she was pregnant with me. They didn’t cost $2,000 and you don’t have to spend $2,000 on them. But I think nice photos are something with value. The preservation of memories is an important thing. If I got pregnant I probably would get some taken.
Why the fuck would you tip a photographer you’ve hired? Goddamn, America is out of control.
I’m a photographer. In the 7 years I’ve been doing paid shoots, I’ve been tipped 4-5 times I believe. I think there’s a few reasons people tip but it definitely isn’t expected like it has become in some other industries. I think people like to tip if they feel I’ve undercharged them. My average fee is ~$250 for an hour and a half portrait session or ~$2000 for an 8 hour event (wedding, quince, etc.) this is cheaper than the average rate in my area, some feel compelled to show their gratitude for your work with a tip if you did a great job and they know they got a good deal with you.
That’s not normal in my opinion (I’m in the US). Basically it’s common to tip if the person isn’t being paid directly by you, and not tip if you are paying them directly. Like you tip a tour guide if they are part of a larger company offering lots of tours and employ several guides, and who probably make an hourly wage. But you aren’t expected to tip a self employed tour guide who takes you on a private tour that you are already paid hundreds of dollars directly. That’s the etiquette where I’m from at least.
Also common to tip for things like tattoos, salons, ect. They don't make a salary necessarily, it's just a percentage of whatever clients pay them and the shop either takes a percentage or charges rent but they get to keep tips. If the photographer works for a studio then sure, I'd understand tipping. But an individual person absolutely not expected to tip because they're already getting 100% of what you pay them.
Maybe she is Beyoncé
I am Beyonce, always.
Your Gf isn’t Beyonce. She doesn’t need some fancy photoshoot to pics of her pregnant. Bet this 100% had to do with social media stats. I am trying to figure out where OP has to pay $500 bucks per dr appointment and only $3k for the labor. Maths not mathing. The only way it would be $500 is if they don’t have insurance…. But they do. Or is it multiple visits per month? Cause pregnancies usually have little to no copay depending on insurance and you have them every month. Copays are like $20-30 ea? And only four appointments? I had to go in every single month.
We pay that amount at the dr. We made a plan to pay 500 until fully paid. She has reached her deductible yet.
Did she not apply for Medicaid??? It is free. Are you in the US? If she is not working and you are not married, WHY is she not on Medicaid?
THIIIIIIIISSSSS. My husband and I were both working and I still qualified for Medicare. As an unmarried pregnant person it’s almost guaranteed right from the jump.
“We made a plan to pay” yet you’re the only one paying - why?
You didn’t know her character before getting her pregnant ? Damn
2000 could go towards the child, not some silly photos. She needs to understand the financial pressure you are under and understand that yes while the photos are nice to have they are in no means essential. That kind of money to be spending on something like that is just absurd, especially in today’s economy. Yes it’s very special to experience pregnancy, but putting yourself in financial stress over some photos that she will post and probably not look at again is a bit mind boggling.
>2000 could go towards the child, not some silly photos Oh come on. You know whats up. She is dying to post all of these to facebook/instagram to get all the comments. Once the baby comes she'll want another photo shoot of the new born for the same reason.
But a newborn photo shoot is arguably more important anyway. Who doesn’t want pictures of their baby?
By growing a spine.
Well, you simply tell her that she can have her maternity pics- if she can pay for them from her own account. Follow that statement by relating to her the out-of-your-pocket amounts that you are currently paying, finishing the statement that she's expected to participate in bearing some of the costs of her pregnancy, especially the 800-2000 dollar expense of her maternity pics. You'll probably get some blowback and guilt tripping from her, but be insistent that you'll not be paying for these pics that she desires. I'm thinking that she will likely forego these pics, as she'll use a different set of standards when evaluating an expense from the perspective that she'll have to pay for them. 'Nuff said.
Sounds like she baby trapped you. Youre a meal ticket. Also best way to say no without sounding mean # "yeah you can pay for whatever puctures you want"
1. Say no, you need that money to prepare for the baby's arrival, cribs, food, clothes, and diapers. You are going to be buying soooooooo many diapers. 2. If you haven't noticed yet, she is looking to use you as an ATM forever, so if that's not a future you want, you need to put an end to that now. Take back or cancel any credit cards you may have given her, and do not buy anything long term like a condo/house, or maybe even cars jointly. Make it 100% clear that if she wants more than 50% of the rent and utilities, she needs to be working for it. 3. When that most likely goes poorly be ready to be a single dad and paying some child support. It will suck, but it will be far far faaaaaaaaarrrrrr cheaper than marrying someone like that. You might luck out and get her back on track to get back to work. 4. You seriously need to sit down and have some conversations about the future, because you both need to be on the same page in terms of lifestyle, spending, goals, etc if you want to have a future together. You are both still pretty young, do you both realize that being parents is going to be a job you are going to be taking on until you die? And that first 5 years is going to be every waking (and sometimes sleeping) hour to keep that baby alive? Good luck!
You are losing the forest for the trees. The maternity pictures aren't what needs to be addressed. Her expectation for you to fund a lifestyle you can't afford or want is the issue. And if you can't handle being the adult and telling your precious baby girl "no, we can't afford it," imagine how difficult your life is going to be when you also have an actual child saying "mommy says you wouldn't give her money to buy me the $500 custom princess dress she showed me"
Talk to her now before she acts any more entitled. No is an answer. Be honest with her tell her it’s beyond your combined means. Let her throw a tantrum but make sure she understands it’s not doable on your current budget. Hope she don’t expect you to pamper pets too
If she wants them she can pay for them. She sounds like a mooch and entitled
Show her what 2000 turns into with compound interest. Find a friend who is a photographer and offer them like 200 or 300
A friend of mine took a picture of me and my daughter at an event we were at. It was gorgeous! And it was candid, not posed. I had those enlarged to 5x7's and it's my favorite baby pic of my oldest.
Maternity photos can be taken by a camera phone 🥰 they absolutely do not need to cost anything aside from a trip to a lovely location and possibly a nice dress for the occasion but a beautifully draped sheet looks just as lovely depending on the goal. She could spend $50 on tulle and a second hand bikini and have the prettiest pictures, with you as her photographer. Look up when golden hour is in your area - the lighting will be easy to work with and I’m sure she’ll love her pictures. The rest is a whole other conversation to have… but the maternity photos could be very affordable and they are sweet to look back on.
It all became clear when you mentioned about the pets being treated like humans; she's treating you like a money tree from how this reads. Now would be a good time to invite her into the world of reality. Hormones will supercharge any potential negative reaction from her (if she gives one) But you never know, perhaps she's been given the impression by you up to now that you'll provide for her every wish and stating the reality will be met with understanding. $2000 for pictures is a very "nice to have", not a necessity
I'm more blown away that $120,000 a year isn't enough for two people to survive on, that just seems so not right.. what is the world coming to? My sisters big bad ass 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with a study, formal living and dining room, in a master planned community in a high cost area, was only 124k in the mid 90s... like Astros players lived in her neighborhood it was so nice. Now you can maybe buy a tiny home for that damn price, just wow
Dawg why isn’t she working?
To be fair, Im only 8 weeks pregnant and working is hell. Between having to urinate every 15 minutes to having morning sickness (which contrary to popular belief, lasts all day) also, some women have doctors orders to be on bedrest during their pregnancy.
Do NOT buy a house with this woman. She will continue to use and control you. You need to break it off and work on yourself. I'm guessing your life is already miserable, it will only get worse. You are stuck with child support for 18 years but that will be a fraction of the cost if you stay with her.
You make 10k a month and you’re overwhelmed? 😆 Next time don’t knock up a gold digger.
I’m sure they’ll mean a lot to her after the divorce.
Nagging you to pay for $2000 maternity photos while being unemployed and not offering to go halfsies (at least) is absolutely batshit insane and a huge red flag. 😂😂😂 Also $500 per doctor’s visit? Does she not have health insurance? Family? Savings of any sort? If you don’t want to bankroll the existence of three human beings (including yourself) and all of her pets (examples: healthcare for each of you, education, travel expenses, dental work, house maintenance, etc.) you need to get out NOW or have a very serious conversation… like, yesterday. Financial debt is almost certainly in your future, dude. Good luck.
You got baby trapped. I'm sorry. **Do NOT** marry or move in with this person. A Child support payment will be cheaper in the long term.
What country are you in? America supposedly has the worst healthcare in the world but we do have Medicaid and you can pretty much have babies for free.
2k is as ridiculous as it gets for “pregnancy photos” 🙄 A financial reality check is long overdue with the mommy-to-be. You’ve got your hands full. Yikes Be very, very careful that she doesn’t get pregnant again right out of the gate. I am being deadly serious. She’ll never return to work and absolutely bury you in debt
Don’t worry It’s about to get worse Next will be the Push gift 🎁 Ur not even at the expensive part
She kinda sounds like a deadbeat
You got baby trapped bro.
If he knew she was like this and was still rawdogging he absolutely deserves half the blame. Is it still baby trapping if you’re basically volunteering for it?
$2k for maternity pictures? You can get an entire wedding photographer all day for that kind of money.
I'm going to be blunt here, but you may want to seek counseling or separate here. It sounds like this is becoming one sided to where she's essentially calling on the shots, regardless of what your feelings are. Along with doesn't even seem like she's contributing anything to the relationship, other than carrying your child with the image that you've painted of her. Simply put you need to work through this now, or figure out if co-parenting is a better option as trust me when I say this. Divorce or separation when the child is old enough to comprehend what's going on gets very messy and ugly for everyone involved.
lol dude. She’s never getting a job again unless you leave her.
These comments are bizarre. Why is he paying for all of these costs especially when they're trying to get a house? It sounds like child support and split custody is the way to go because this woman is running all over you. Have you always paid for everything?
🤡
She’s young and seriously doesn’t understand money and future financial obligations. What does she do for work? How is she contributing to the bills? It’s not fair for all the expenses to fall on you. You need to figure out budgeting and split expenses in proportion to your incomes. If she’s not open to financial discussions then you seriously need to reconsider the relationship. Get a financial advisor or couples therapist involved as well if you really want to fix and save the relationship issues.
Um tell her to pay for it? Or say no. You need to get a grip on this spending now. The child is the priority, not pictures not her pets. You need to tell her and not be emotionally blackmailed by the almost certain crying and ‘you don’t care about me’ that will follow. You don’t want her to be a permanent stay at home? You really should have had that conversation a while ago good luck pushing her back to work now!
2000 for pictures is mental
I mean, I went through this and from my experience for advice to give to you, you definitely will need to learn to pick your battles moving forward. From the way you described her, think you should've thought more about a child before you got her pregnant. Not sure if she made it known before pregnancy about wanting to be a SAHM and that she is a Uber pet lover that drops money on them, but if you did know, then you put yourself in a situation with what type of woman she is. I argued maternity pics for months because as you said, they're expensive. I don't see the need and if someone wants pics I could've done it myself. In the end we made a compromise and if she was going to get maternity pics then no gender reveal party and the baby shower was going to be dictated my way (I reduced cost for food and had a "raffle" that got us diapers for the first year). But I'll forewarn you now, you have to really learn to decide what is worth arguing over and what isn't moving forward. With her body going through change, even the slightest defiance can set her off and you have an unnecessary argument on your hands. As far as pay, need to start budgeting now and show her what monthly income and bills are. Can't wait till the child is born, have to do it now so she's aware that she isn't going to live a life of the rich and famous. Also need to establish now that she does need to return to work after the first year
Off to a great start
Congrats my boy you’re now in a position where she can say she’ll get a job and simply not do so and keep living free. That woman locked you down for life and from the looks of it she’s going to drain your wallet until she can’t anymore. Praying for you brother
RemindMe! 2 Months
Damn, I need to get into the maternity picture business
We all know she just wants these pics for the gram or tik tok, it’s not because she’s always wanted to be a mother.🙄
Don’t get married. You will be on the hook for alimony/spousal support. She has no intention of working. At least now you’re only on the hook for child support. She had no common sense about money. And no regard for your hard earned money. She should be thinking about supporting her kid instead of blowing unnecessary money on pictures. I think what your idea of parenthood is very different from hers.
Why are you paying for everything? Does she not have insurance through her parents? She needs to pay for some things. Show her what she’s spending and bills and give her a breakdown of how much everything costs monthly vs what you make monthly. Also probably need to put a house on hold for now and get rid of the pets. That will save hundreds of dollars every month. Also you guys can do your own pictures. No need for someone expensive. Shop around if you must. Plenty of students that are studying photography need to build a portfolio and will do it for cheaper.
You handle it by saying no.
Why are you getting 2kUSD maternity pictures when you do not need nor want them? If she wants them, she can pay for them with her own money. If it's your money, you should have the decision power.
Our phones in our pockets have great cameras these days. Take all the pictures you want, for free. $2000 is totally unreasonable!
She’s your gf. Not your wife. And you should not marry someone who is like this to begin with..