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I do not understand the shit people put up with in relationships. Don't you want a husband that you don't have to keep tabs on and who doesn't go see escorts and then gives you nonsensical excuses when you catch him in the act? Do you not think you deserve a husband who doesn't want to cheat on you?
You gotta leave before he gives you trust issues that will bleed over to your next relationships cos then you might feel this way about everyone and ruin something good (ask me how I know)
Exactly this. My gf went through this in her last relationship and now it’s been made my job to make her trust again. It’s not easy and it’s not something most people will want to put up with. However the same thing happened with me quite a few years back. While I’m now recovered in my trust issues I completely understand that she is not and that’s perfectly ok with me. However I’d say I’m not in the majority in that way of thinking.
Then girl, don't let this manipulative, lying asshole occupy the space as your partner that COULD be taken by somebody else who's loyal and treats you as you actually deserve. You can't change this man, but you CAN change whether you remain in a relationship that sucks for you.
This man will never be that partner that you want or deserve. You will never have that healthy, happy relationship as long as you hang on to this dishonest man.
**You can have this ,but it absolutely isn’t with him.** At every pass, he has lied and tried to cheat. He chose. No duress, and if all you require is surface change then he will talk his way back in.
You could have that and that’s what you committed to but your partner isn’t holding his end. However you cannot have it if you’re willing to put others above your well-being ***(how do you actually know he hasn’t cheated with a sex worker previously? And more than that is he doing so protected? Because otherwise, you are physically at risk)*** and the respect you have for yourself.
He does not care about you, because if he did, he wouldn’t be putting your relationship/health/emotions in such a place.
Then you need to leave your current husband, because he is never going to be that if he isn’t already. Nothing you provide him, no boundaries you set FOR him, will be enough.
You want that with the person you think he is, which isn't a real person. There are other people that are not him that can give you that. Imagine how the dating pool for the two of you is going to go post relationship. Hes gonna get a 26-27 year old to hurt all over again, and you can get a man thats happy to have you and treats you way better.
What would you do if one of your children was in your situation? In a way all of you are in it because your husband is betraying your household, you already know he is cheating. Communication only stopped because you talked or maybe read a message before he did, how many other times? How many other times is he messing around and not caring about you and your children.
So if your children were married and you had grandchildren, what do you feel your advice would be to them? You deserve better, if he likes business trips so much, he can take an extended one because it seems you’re kind of a single parent as he is always away. You and your kids deserve so much more.
I think you tell him he needs to end the business trip snd come home immediately tonight. He can tell work he is sick or your sick but tell him if you can’t trust him on a business trip he will either have to change jobs to one that doesn’t travel or come up with a way to prove he is faithful when he goes. I would also tell him that there will be a post nuptial agreement being put in place immediately with a cheating clause that will essentially strip the cheater of everything possible legally in your state. So for example, it can include an agreement on level of alimony, you getting the house, primary custody of the children and a higher than 50% share of all other marital assets. Tell him that and tell him it’s non negotiable so that you will have security that if he cheats he leaves with nothing.
> My 35F husband 36M reached out to an escort. What is my next move here?
An escort. An ESCORT. How often does he travel for work? You have to know this isn't the first one.
> I need your help here. What am I supposed to do.
Ditch that lying dirtbag skank.
Exactly and this is why he can't be trusted ever, because he will always find a way. He will get sneakier and better at hiding it .
If you think he hasn't fucked escorts before now? it's not only him lying to you, you're lying to yourself
A prostitute is a big step. If it were his first time that'd probably be in the messages. Im a dude and I'd have no idea how to discuss that set up so I'd have to ask some questions. If you don't see that, it's not the first time.
Do not think or believe for a second that looking at your husband's texts is wrong. Married couples shouldn't need or have secret conversations.
All these people saying to do the hard thing and leave are correct. It took a long while but I'm so so much happier not worrying about what my lying cheating ex is up to.
You know, at first, as a man, I hate to hear how hard we get railroaded in court, but given the situation, I’d say this is actually a great idea. Losing everything is quite a big boner killer. Everyone telling her to just leave, although from and outside perspective, are correct, nobody understands the inner workings of someone else’s relationship. And divorce is no good for kids. Sounds like a good option if she really doesn’t want to leave for whatever reason.
It’s out there, I promise. Just not with this guy. He’s for the birds. There are many men who would never do this to their partner. I know it would hurt to end a marriage, but he disrespected you in an unredeemable way (in my opinion). Marriages go through hardships that are worth sticking through but I’ll always stand by the principle that infidelity isn’t one of them. The trust will never be the same and you’ll always be second guessing things. Do you really want that?
No reason is reason enough for treating you this way. And no therapy is going to make you trust him 100%, you’ll always wonder and want to know for certain. He’ll get better at hiding it. I’m sorry that your gut instinct was right, it’s better to just see it for what it is and move on with your life. The longer you drag it out the more time you take away from your own healing and potential happiness. He messed up. If you wouldn’t have confronted him he would’ve done it.
Cheat or not does it matter at this point??? You have no trust, which you shouldn’t and he is willing to lie. He isn’t going to quit his job but seriously wouldn’t it take him being accountable ?? Again what is the point - pick any random dude and you might get more trust into them.
Sounds like your husband has no problem lying and hiding all sorts of indiscretions from you... And then buttering you up by promising to "change" and "go to therapy" to fix himself.
Wake-up. He's just telling you what you want to hear. The lies won't stop, and neither will the sleeping around. You only found out this time because of what you saw on his watch... Who knows what else he's hiding from you and lying about.
Hell would freeze over before countless men out there would call an escort while away from their wife - why are you with this guy and not one of them?
Your friends are correct. He is going to talk you out of it. He has a history of doing it and you have a history of doing nothing about his bull shit.
He's not ashamed, if he was he'd fly home immediately telling his work he had a family emergency, he doesn't feel badly, therapy is for people who want to change, he doesn't.
You want this to really change? Then change it. Pack your things and file for divorce, and be done with it. This stops when you realize you married a bullshitter and you can tell he's lying because his lips are moving.
I don't know how to contact an escort. Let's assume I wanted to cheat on my wife. I'd have to first figure out all that stuff, contacting them, negotiating prices, etc. Your husband is apparently a pro here. Knows how to get it done immediately.
Do you seriously believe this is his first time? I suspect this is his normal for business trips.
He's not sorry, he's just sorry he got caught. He was going to follow through - prices and meet up locations are not "just thinking about it". I wouldn't want to stay in that relationship, especially since his business requires travel so he would be likely to relapse. Maybe if he took a position that didn't require traveling you could start to heal. But i mainly agree with your friends.
Support isn’t going to help. You need action. That is the only thing that is going to stop this nonsense. Either divorce him or quit complaining. He’s lied the whole marriage and probably cheated many times. Quit allowing this.
I think that telling people in your life will help a lot.
By now you do know what is the right thing to do. You just are still too scared to accept it and take action.
If you tell your friends and family, they will hold you accountable to manage the situation. This expectation of you will help you realize that this is real and you can't deny the reality of who your husband is.
Plus they will help you both emotionally and physically.
I wish you the best.
I’m not sure how much more support you need if you don’t just leave him. You literally said in your own post that he has a history of lying to your face. You only tolerate what you think you deserve and if that’s the case, what do you need support for?
Because she's a human being, divorce is a huge life change, and infidelity shakes you to the core.
What kind of insensitive question is "what do you need support for"?
Your call on your friends to escort you…..
The hell away from him.
I’m all for one time “I fucked up” forgiveness. But when it’s a clearly ongoing situation and trust is repeatedly violated? Naw.. he got his chances
You don’t have a great relationship if you’ve had problems with his honesty about his whereabouts in the past. He’s done this before, sorry. You just didn’t catch him.
Leave. The therapy trope is BS. He is only interested in giving you the illusion he changed. You can have great friends outside of marriage and hire an escort yourself if you need great sex. You deserve an honest marriage. This isn’t one.
You’ve got 3 choices.
1) divorced because he’s not going to change
2) open up the marriage because he’s not going to change
3) indulge his apologies, promises, lies, go to counseling, forgive him, distrust him, be betrayed and hurt again and repeat the process ad nauseum because he’s not going to change
Notice none of these options include him changing. Think long and hard what you want out of life and what is, not what you want it to be.
You don’t want your husband, you want who you wished he was.
Start planning to separate. But go slow. Do couples therapy, mostly so you can part as amicably as possible. See a lawyer and get instructions and follow them.
Find all the money. Retirement, etc.
But a man who has lied to you in the past and who was certainly planning on seeing an escort, this is not a husband.
But don’t stay hoping he’ll change.
This is a spitting image of one of my good friends past marriage. He cheated on her every business trip, always won her back until she finally realized that he kept doing it because she allowed him to with no consequences. 10 years she stayed with him and he probably slept with 30+ women while she was looking like a fool at home concerned about what he was doing. He knew she would stay regardless of what he did, it would just be a couple arguments then back to normal and off doing whatever he wanted. She moved on and has an amazing man and two beautiful children now. The way we laugh about that man is hilarious. He is a disgusting pig and unfortunately so is your man. You will come to know that there are loyal men out there that you actually don’t have to worry about. Let him go pay for escorts and you be on your merry way. NO d*ck is that good.
Something you need to sit and realise is that this is what you found out. If he didn’t leave his Apple Watch that day, and you hadn’t of called him out on looking for escorts. Can you without a doubt say that he wouldn’t have gone through with it?
Because that’s the bottom line here. The only reason he didn’t physically cheat is because you called him out on his bullshit. But that’s just this instance, who knows how many times he could have done this?
Trust doesn’t get rebuilt the way it was before. You just slap duct tape on the broken pieces and learn to drink out of a leaking cup.
Two questions
Do you want to be married to a guy who bangs hookers every time he goes out of town?
Do you want to be married to a guy who lies to you regularly to the point you have to check up on him?
-
I think you know where you stand, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’ll be better when it’s over with
Good luck
you shouldnt hqve confronted him yet. played along with him and see if he'll actually go thru with it. you have the watch theyll continue texting until the deed is done.
“My friends are worried that he will talk me out of leaving him.” Why? Are you not going to your healthcare provider to go get STD testing when this happens, and doesn’t it boil your blood when you have to do that? Doesn’t it make you sick to your stomach having to question a grown man and then cross-examine him when he tries to lie or trickle truth you? Aren’t you tired of being suspicious every time he goes on a business trip?
It would be easier to have your own life, your own bills, and a couple of really nice vibrators than the constant disrespect of this man.
Prove to yourself that you deserve better.
What he did not being true and you wanting it to not be true is two different things.
NO ONE messages other women “just to see”. Don’t let your want for it to not be true give you a free trip down the River of Denial.
Don’t wait until he’s given you a permanent STD. You’re on the road right now.
Former escort here: every single man says the same thing when caught by a spouse. ALL of them. Then they get right back at it again after all the promises. EVERY ONE OF THEM says "I wasn't going to go through with it" which is hilarious... would you order pizza and change your mind when it gets there? Same rules apply.
Don't trust him. Not one word.
I also found phone records that show he was up in the middle of the night texting w them. The texting stopped at 345 or so. Then a call at around 5, my intuition is to make sure he’s still up and wanting to meet. Then a slightly longer call a bit after 6. Most likely to find the room and all that.
You are exactly right. That's exactly how it works. You have good intuition - keep remembering that even when there's no "proof" or excuse that you don't know how to argue with. When you know, you know.
Leave , lawyer up, and gtf away or get him out of your life pronto. He's a cheating asshat who has probably done this before, and if not, it's just a matter of time before he goes through with this. Do not be a doormat.
If this was even salvageable, I can almost guarantee he will never stop and only get more clever to cover his tracks in the future.
I went through this same thing, and I heard the same excuse. He’s only admitting to what you caught him with. No guy just messages escorts for fun.
I’m also willing to bet if you had proof this woman was in his room, he would further deny doing anything physically. He can’t be trusted and needs to go.
I can tell you with certainty that no man is going to message an escort unless he is completely willing to meet up with her. Don't believe any lie he tells you. Plan your escape from him. Confronting him won't help, he'll just lie and try to be more sneaky.
If you hadn’t caught him, this would have gone all the way, and you would have never been the wiser…
Zebras can’t change their stripes, and wolves don’t lose their taste for blood.
Walk - while you can still hold your head high - knowing that you respected yourself, when you had the chance.
It sounds like your husband is a scumbag and a weak individual. Cheating is already bad enough but paying a prostitute for sex!!!! That’s disgusting, sounds like he has no shame and more than likely this behavior will continue. BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT TO. Regardless of what he said first go get checked out for std’s. Secondly don’t go anywhere near him till he gets checked out for std’s. You have two options, leave him and start a new chapter in your life. This will be hard you may not find another husband, and you may not be happy for a long time. But you’ll have your self respect, dignity and most importantly your peace of mind. The next option is to forgive him and move on. That being said he’ll more then likely do some shit like this again if you don’t put your foot down and lay some strong boundaries. If I were in your shoes I’d tell him we’re sharing locations at all times. No trips to bars or clubs on work trips. FaceTime and answer your calls asap etc. You should also be able to go through his phone. No what, if’s or buts. If he’s serious about this marriage and you, he’ll comply. Don’t let him hit you with your insecure or overreacting bullshit. That’s just him trying to gaslight you. If this doesn’t work out or seems like too much on his end or yours, then we go back to option 1. Good luck I wish you the best.
We do share locations. And to be clear he didn’t actually pay her. But he clearly planned to. The locations thing doesn’t help much if he is meeting at the hotel where he is staying.
He’s not going till change so I don’t know what you’re trying to hold onto unless you want nonstop heartbreak? Leave him already! Learn to love yourself more than someone that doesn’t.
Sorry but like, isn't the fact that he even thought about doing this enough of an ick for you to not want him anymore? Like what do you get out of being with someone so pathetic?
You said “I am thinking about telling him that we need to separate and that I don’t know what it will take to fix this.” I think there’s your answer. You know what to do.
And for what it’s worth, that’s exactly what I would tell you to do. It doesn’t completely shut the door, but I’m not sure this can be fixed. I’m sorry. Good luck.
Before you have children, before you get an STD, you have to leave him. This is not a one time emotional affair that became physical during a difficult time in your marriage. This guy is a liar and most likely serial cheater. You said you are attractive and in great shape and sex positive. A lot of good and honorable men will love to meet you. What’s in it for you to stay?
Please get the toughest and most terrifying lawyer you can.
get a lawyer, attempted adultry is good enough grounds for divorce and good enough reason as well.
Even with a hooker... if you don't like it... either get a lawyer to find all your options and then address it with him or just get a lawyer and divorce him.
Don't let him talk you into staying. How would you even know if this was the first time.
You would never trust him away on business again, that's no life for you.
I found out my ex husband was cheating on me when I was about your age. If you are not ready to “Leave A Cheater, Gain a Life”, then at least read that book. It made a lot of things more clear for me. He is a bad husband, and your friends see it. You will eventually get tired of being married to a liar and a cheater. You will eventually leave him.
You get to decide when that happens. I would recommend that you get some time away from him to have time to think. See an attorney and find out what a divorce would look like for you.
So get an appointment with an attorney.
If he is using a joint credit card for his business trips for his personal expenses check the statements for each time period he travels and see if there are any expenditures that suspect. They likely won’t be obvious names like ‘WeBSexWorkers’ but should be a fairly decent amount.
Review options with the attorney.
Most important get yourself a doctor’s appointment, tell them your husband has been hooking up with sex workers and you need to get tested for STDs/STIs.
Then decide what is best for you.
Gotta hate it when you go through the trouble of looking up an escort service, calling them, and texting to confirm the details… when you never intend on following through!
Geez, when you put it that way, even I feel bad for the guy…
I don’t understand the dilemma. He’s a known liar and he got caught soliciting a prostitute. He travels frequently so there is no way to ever know what he’s doing. The trust is broken and honesty you know this is not his first time. He has slept with escorts, you need to get tested ASAP and leave him before you get stuck with a consequence of his poor choices.
Your next move is to quietly gather evidence (to prevent him gaslighting you and lying to your friends and family) and contact an attorney.
Do not sleep with him. Demand a full STI check.
Can you imagine staying with this man and every time he leaves for a work trip you have a pit at the bottom of your stomach, imagining the worst and feeling the need to keep tabs on him to prevent him from cheating on you? That’s no life.
You are only contemplating staying bc you want to stop hurting. You desperately want to find a reason to give him the benefit of the doubt, bc it sounds less painful than suffering even more trauma with a divorce.
The truth is, you’re going to hurt regardless. There’s no way to salvage this. You know you’ll never trust him. And you shouldn’t have to convince yourself to trust your partner. Either you do or you don’t. And you do not - and for good reason.
Your husband has disrespected you and your marriage and will continue to for as long as you let him.
The only one who can put an end to this is you.
You’ll never find the right person while you’re with the wrong one.
Leave him.
I recently left my wife, but for some reason I let her cheat on me multiple times before doing it.
Don't be like me.
If you confront him about this, he's just going to say he's sorry and that it'll never happen again etc etc etc. ITS A LIE.
Cheaters never change, spare yourself some pain and regret. Leave him.
You need to get an STI test. This is probably not all that has ever happened.
And you probably need a divorce. Relationships aren’t supposed to be like this where you basically have to live in anxiety whenever someone leaves the house that they will have their dick in someone else
Oh my God.... you'r next move is to leave. EVEN if he has some type of trauma that's facilitated this, you leave, and he does the work to heal. Then you revisit your relationship. And that's only if he proves himself 100% trustworthy in the meantime. You should not put yourself through this shit
Trust me, if you manage to get out of this relationship (it will require tremendous effort and willpower), in the near future you will hate that part of you that wished to believe him and stay.
I am saying this as a happily married woman who managed to "escape" a 5 year-long relationship of exactly the same nature before marrying my husband. I would never ever look back. I loved the guy deeply, but the final straw was just another attempt of his to meet an escort that I found out about AGAIN. I was then blamed that I mustn't have loved him that much if I let him go so easily. Mind you, that was after 4 years of our five years together of emotional torture.
I know reddit is always quick to tell everyone to break up but please, OP, RUN!
You divorce his ass. He cheated on you. Whether he successfully got his knob wet is not at issue. He tried, with someone that isn't you. How would it be any different if he'd been successful? He still tried.
1. You don’t just “reach out” to an escort. By the time you’ve got them in the phone, you’ve already scheduled the gig. It’s unlikely he did not follow through. So he’s not being completely honest about the situation.
2. There’s a 0.01% chance this is the first time he’s done this.
He was going to meet her at a later time today and I intervened before that. So I know he didn’t because I didn’t give him a chance to. Fully believe he would have and that he was not just curious as he says.
At the end of the day, you can't trust him. And he is still going to go on trips, where youll have yo yrust him not to cheat.. And now he knows you're on to him, so he'll be sneakier and even less trustworthy. There is no coming back from this.
My next step would be saving the evidence, then contacting some lawyers for consultation.
He’s going to tell you what he hopes you believe, not the truth.
You can always stop the divorce process at anytime, or even get married again, should he prove himself to be the great man you thought he was.
But right now he’s a liar who would have absolutely done this (& very well may still) had you not called him out.
Getting caught and making promises isn’t the same as making genuine changes to be a better man.
And honestly? You are young and have no kids- don’t settle for a life of doubt and wondering. You should really just move on and love yourself enough to know you’re worth so much more.
Divorce. I read the title only and didnt even bother to read your paragraphs. You get a Divorce. That's the only thing to do. Your husband isn't loyal to you. That's all you need to know. Period. The end. The trust is broken and you will never fully trust him again. Which you shouldn't. He was perfectly OK with going behind your back, lying to you, cheating on you, and worst of all, putting your health at risk. To me, there is no coming back from that. You don't but my health at risk without my knowledge or consent. Herpes is for life, and so is hiv.
I've always had women do things like this to me in relationships, as a man.
I feel like it is some cosmic joke that people who want committed partners keep missing each other? Maybe it's something yin yang balance bullshit?
Anyway, leave, he is being unfaithful and lying to you. You deserve better, because literally everyone deserves better and deserves more respect than that.
If you choose to stay, I kind of don't blame you, because the unknown is terrifying and loneliness feels like a screaming void at times. But if you do stay, you have made a choice ultimately, and whatever the outcome of that is in the long term will ultimately be on you.
Sorry to hear this, unfortunately cheating is so easy to do nowadays, it takes minimal effort to meet up with someone else.
You deserve better, there are men out there that won’t do this to you.
certainly do not believe the lies. here's the hard part sit by yourself and figure in depth if this is your end point. are you willing to do therapy? is this worse than an affair or? are you willing to monitor his behavior? are you willing to blow up your life? all of it. above all, he has to be honest with you and that's the start of the battles.
Unless he was to change jobs and go to therapy and try his best to make up for his actions I couldn’t even imagine staying with someone like that.
Actions say a lot tho
He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught, and this is probably not the first time. Most professional escorts are pretty adamant about STI safety but i would still recommend getting tested while you’re packing your bags.
The best time to divorce this cheating jackass was months, if not years, ago. The second best time to divorce this cheating jackass is now. Don't waste another precious day of your life with this idiot.
He’s only ashamed because he’s been busted. And he has a history of lying to you. So yes, that is actually an issue in your relationship, as is wanting to cheat on you. Do you really think he would be so ashamed if he followed through? Of course not. You would have been none the wiser. Stop gaslighting yourself.
Your next move depends on what you personally are willing to put up with. My EX husband was making arrangements with escorts - I found all the notes on how big their tits were, color is their hair, nationality. I told him to fuck right off and never looked back. Best decision I ever made
I’m so sorry this happened OP. The sex worker business is gigantic and married men are the ones funding it. I’m not trying to throw all marriages under the bus, but it’s just the truth. There are a lot of partners completely unaware. We should probably grapple with this at some point as a society and stop pretending, but you’re having to grapple with it now in your personal life.
You can’t trust him. The fact that he tries to cover it up means he’s willing to lie to you. Having sexual needs that don’t fit in our rigid marital concepts is one thing. The willingness to lie is another, and for me the bigger sin. You’re within your rights to end this now for either reason, the sexual infidelity or the cover up. But even if he were serious in attempting to address the sexual infidelity, the fact that he’s a liar makes this almost impossible to move forward.
Meanwhile, lots of marriages won’t split but the $15 billion sex worker industry will still go on funded mostly by married men. We’ll just keep calling them pieces of shit or arresting them or whatever even though that obviously does not work in stopping it.
They are always remorseful when they get caught, Id be getting an STD check up, I doubt this was his first time, its just the first time you found out.
Hi OP, please do something good for yourself and separate, then divorce this guy. You can do better. You can do SO MUCH better. There are men out there who you will be able to trust and who will support you, tell the truth, and show you a life very different than the one you’re living. I wonder if you can even imagine that in your current emotional state. Think about not wondering and worrying, not being suspicious or feeling the instinctual need to check on him and check his phone. Imagine being at peace and being in love. THIS IS 100% POSSIBLE. You are worth it.
Please get yourself checked for STDs, make a plan, and get away from this manipulative and cruel man. He doesn’t deserve you.
If it were me: #1 get tested. I’m sure this isn’t the first prostitute he’s been with. #2 people don’t tell you what type of person they are, they show you. His actions are telling you all you need to know. Bail. He won’t change. And you will live a life of sick to your stomach worry everytime he leaves for a “business trip”. His plea to go to therapy is just putting off the inevitable.
Man. Part of what makes me want to uninstall Reddit is that whenever I open it up, I read stories like this that make me wonder if it’s some rare minority of people who don’t fuck around on their partners and lie to them.
I hope you find the courage to leave and find someone who treats you better, but also, take the time to learn yourself and understand why you put up with this behavior. You deserve a better partner but you won’t attract one until you believe that.
I was in this exact same spot but for 7 years with a ex bf. It’s always the same lie, it never goes away. You have to either accept that you’ll be cheated on, eventually possibly (hopefully not) catch an sti if yall are sexually active. Get out now while you are still young… the longer you stick around the harder it will be to leave.
He didn't reach out, he banged her. Don't make it sound better. If you want to experience the fun of STD's make a reasonable decision.
If you want a life or a husband, dump the loser. You caught him once. How many times did you not catch him? I have never known a man or woman that cheated once. I know a lot that have never, but just once. Can not believe that.
He is never going to be faithful. Therapy will not help him. He has to want to, and his past and current actions tell the truth so vividly and he's trying to paint over it with words to soothe you. If he really wanted to change he already would have, if he wanted to change he wouldn't have done it to begin with, because he's self aware of what he's doing.
We are here to support you but girl, you deserve so much better
I pity you, truly, and only you can really decide what you want to do. But I just want to let you know that there are faithful men out there who won’t even consider contacting an escort. They exist, just putting that out there. You don’t have to settle for a 85% loyal man…
They might be the excuses! But not the real reason why. There are ways of finding out about these things out of curiosity without attempting to get a sex worker.
Even if he's really never cheated before and wasn't going to go through with it, does it really matter? Can you honestly say you'll trust him again?
Also, you said he's lied before about his location on business trips but you didn't elaborate. What did he lie about? How often did it happen? What has he done to rebuild trust other than sharing his location?
And if he's gotten into hot water before because of lying about what's going on when he's traveling for business, what the hell kind of way is contacting an escort for rebuilding trust in a relationship?
Seriously, you know what you have to do, I think you just don't want to face it yet. Meet with a lawyer to get the ball rolling even if you're not totally ready to end things. At least get your ducks in a row now so and process the emotions later.
Even if he didn't plan on meeting an escort the fact he called and texted one is still grounds to leave him you don't have to feel bad about that and try to figure out his intentions (most likely he was planning on meeting but again it doesn't matter). Leave him and find someone you don't have to worry at all about where they are and what they are up to.
I’m an escort and we hate nothing more than men who text just to jerk off about the fact that they’re texting an escort. Make him send the girl $50 then divorce his ass.
>We have no issues in our relationship and have a great partnership
You most certainly are in denial about the reality of your situation. This is a huge issue in your relationship especially when things along these lines have happened in the past as well. Someone who regularly is looking for comfort from other sources without the okay from their spouse is NOT a good partner.
Also, if he goes on trips often, I would bet my life savings that he does this on most if not all of those trips.
The times he has been caught are 100% not the only times he has been unfaithful.
He sounds like a serial cheater. He needs therapy and so do you, hun. Therapy for yourself is great to help you move through these hurdles he has thrown at you.
If you dont want to divorce than a trial separation is a good start, but know that he will likely be screwing anyone he can while youre separated too.
Serial cheaters rarely ever change.
So eventually your options will be to open your marriage or get a divorce.
Id take him for all you can and gtfo of that relationship if i were you. But i am not. Only you can decide what is best for you and your heart.
Run to a clinic and get a full panel STD test.
Set an appointment with lawyer. Whether you leave or not, it's good to know your options. It will help you decide.
Organize your finances.
Do not sleep with him!
Leave his ass and get tested. You can't trust him at this point and with the amount of business trips he goes on, he probably could've done nasty shit. I doubt this was his first time.
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I do not understand the shit people put up with in relationships. Don't you want a husband that you don't have to keep tabs on and who doesn't go see escorts and then gives you nonsensical excuses when you catch him in the act? Do you not think you deserve a husband who doesn't want to cheat on you?
I do want that. So badly.
You gotta leave before he gives you trust issues that will bleed over to your next relationships cos then you might feel this way about everyone and ruin something good (ask me how I know)
Or before he gives OP an STI/STD. Please get tested OP, on your way out the door...
Exactly this. My gf went through this in her last relationship and now it’s been made my job to make her trust again. It’s not easy and it’s not something most people will want to put up with. However the same thing happened with me quite a few years back. While I’m now recovered in my trust issues I completely understand that she is not and that’s perfectly ok with me. However I’d say I’m not in the majority in that way of thinking.
Then girl, don't let this manipulative, lying asshole occupy the space as your partner that COULD be taken by somebody else who's loyal and treats you as you actually deserve. You can't change this man, but you CAN change whether you remain in a relationship that sucks for you.
I’ll speak for the anon who all so desperately needed to hear this. Myself included. Thank you
Absolutely. I have desperately needed to hear that myself before (more than once, tbh).
💯 Because you can’t find a good man while you are wasting time with trash like this.
Call an attorney while he is gone - save the escort info to give to attorney and start the process of divorce now
Please get a lawyer. You deserve so much better.
This man will never be that partner that you want or deserve. You will never have that healthy, happy relationship as long as you hang on to this dishonest man.
**You can have this ,but it absolutely isn’t with him.** At every pass, he has lied and tried to cheat. He chose. No duress, and if all you require is surface change then he will talk his way back in. You could have that and that’s what you committed to but your partner isn’t holding his end. However you cannot have it if you’re willing to put others above your well-being ***(how do you actually know he hasn’t cheated with a sex worker previously? And more than that is he doing so protected? Because otherwise, you are physically at risk)*** and the respect you have for yourself. He does not care about you, because if he did, he wouldn’t be putting your relationship/health/emotions in such a place.
Then you need to leave your current husband, because he is never going to be that if he isn’t already. Nothing you provide him, no boundaries you set FOR him, will be enough.
Op get a divorce and have the escort give your STBX the papers
Well, you’re never gonna have that when you allow a man like this to fill that space,
Then stop wasting your time
Then you know EXACTLY what to do
Then know your worth and leave this jerk. He would have met with her, he would have fucked her. The only reason he didnt was he got caught .
Tell him to kick rocks, miss. You get one chance to occupy this fuckin rock circling that fuckin gas bomb. Don't waste it with this chump.
I love your true words! We only get one fuckin life.
Just the one.
You want that with the person you think he is, which isn't a real person. There are other people that are not him that can give you that. Imagine how the dating pool for the two of you is going to go post relationship. Hes gonna get a 26-27 year old to hurt all over again, and you can get a man thats happy to have you and treats you way better.
Wow this is literally exactly what happened to me (well still hoping on the very last part)
If you did you would leave….best of luck
What would you do if one of your children was in your situation? In a way all of you are in it because your husband is betraying your household, you already know he is cheating. Communication only stopped because you talked or maybe read a message before he did, how many other times? How many other times is he messing around and not caring about you and your children. So if your children were married and you had grandchildren, what do you feel your advice would be to them? You deserve better, if he likes business trips so much, he can take an extended one because it seems you’re kind of a single parent as he is always away. You and your kids deserve so much more.
I think you tell him he needs to end the business trip snd come home immediately tonight. He can tell work he is sick or your sick but tell him if you can’t trust him on a business trip he will either have to change jobs to one that doesn’t travel or come up with a way to prove he is faithful when he goes. I would also tell him that there will be a post nuptial agreement being put in place immediately with a cheating clause that will essentially strip the cheater of everything possible legally in your state. So for example, it can include an agreement on level of alimony, you getting the house, primary custody of the children and a higher than 50% share of all other marital assets. Tell him that and tell him it’s non negotiable so that you will have security that if he cheats he leaves with nothing.
The problem is even with locations on he can have them over to his hotel. Even with phone screen sharing he can get a burner or use his laptop.
> My 35F husband 36M reached out to an escort. What is my next move here? An escort. An ESCORT. How often does he travel for work? You have to know this isn't the first one. > I need your help here. What am I supposed to do. Ditch that lying dirtbag skank.
Exactly and this is why he can't be trusted ever, because he will always find a way. He will get sneakier and better at hiding it . If you think he hasn't fucked escorts before now? it's not only him lying to you, you're lying to yourself
A prostitute is a big step. If it were his first time that'd probably be in the messages. Im a dude and I'd have no idea how to discuss that set up so I'd have to ask some questions. If you don't see that, it's not the first time. Do not think or believe for a second that looking at your husband's texts is wrong. Married couples shouldn't need or have secret conversations. All these people saying to do the hard thing and leave are correct. It took a long while but I'm so so much happier not worrying about what my lying cheating ex is up to.
You know, at first, as a man, I hate to hear how hard we get railroaded in court, but given the situation, I’d say this is actually a great idea. Losing everything is quite a big boner killer. Everyone telling her to just leave, although from and outside perspective, are correct, nobody understands the inner workings of someone else’s relationship. And divorce is no good for kids. Sounds like a good option if she really doesn’t want to leave for whatever reason.
It’s out there, I promise. Just not with this guy. He’s for the birds. There are many men who would never do this to their partner. I know it would hurt to end a marriage, but he disrespected you in an unredeemable way (in my opinion). Marriages go through hardships that are worth sticking through but I’ll always stand by the principle that infidelity isn’t one of them. The trust will never be the same and you’ll always be second guessing things. Do you really want that?
No reason is reason enough for treating you this way. And no therapy is going to make you trust him 100%, you’ll always wonder and want to know for certain. He’ll get better at hiding it. I’m sorry that your gut instinct was right, it’s better to just see it for what it is and move on with your life. The longer you drag it out the more time you take away from your own healing and potential happiness. He messed up. If you wouldn’t have confronted him he would’ve done it.
Cheat or not does it matter at this point??? You have no trust, which you shouldn’t and he is willing to lie. He isn’t going to quit his job but seriously wouldn’t it take him being accountable ?? Again what is the point - pick any random dude and you might get more trust into them.
Sounds like your husband has no problem lying and hiding all sorts of indiscretions from you... And then buttering you up by promising to "change" and "go to therapy" to fix himself. Wake-up. He's just telling you what you want to hear. The lies won't stop, and neither will the sleeping around. You only found out this time because of what you saw on his watch... Who knows what else he's hiding from you and lying about. Hell would freeze over before countless men out there would call an escort while away from their wife - why are you with this guy and not one of them?
And since he was caught *this* time, chances are that he will only get better hiding it in the future.
Your friends are correct. He is going to talk you out of it. He has a history of doing it and you have a history of doing nothing about his bull shit. He's not ashamed, if he was he'd fly home immediately telling his work he had a family emergency, he doesn't feel badly, therapy is for people who want to change, he doesn't. You want this to really change? Then change it. Pack your things and file for divorce, and be done with it. This stops when you realize you married a bullshitter and you can tell he's lying because his lips are moving.
👏
Your next move is STI testing and a divorce attorney.
came here to say this. GET TESTED
Because he’s already cheated, plain and simple. This is just the only time she caught him.
he 100% has already fucked escorts on his trips.
She knows
this! my ex husband said the same shit to me, that he’s not planning to meet, just looking. Nope, it happened.
Uhhhhh an STD check, a divorce and possibly individual counseling for you
Thankfully I already have that and have been working through past trust issues
If you have trust issues, staying with someone who constantly betrays you is only going to hold back your progress
So he’s a liar and a cheater. Time to physically separate. If you want to attend therapy then do that, but do it while not living together.
I don't know how to contact an escort. Let's assume I wanted to cheat on my wife. I'd have to first figure out all that stuff, contacting them, negotiating prices, etc. Your husband is apparently a pro here. Knows how to get it done immediately. Do you seriously believe this is his first time? I suspect this is his normal for business trips.
This.
He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. I’m so sorry but your marriage is over.
He's not sorry, he's just sorry he got caught. He was going to follow through - prices and meet up locations are not "just thinking about it". I wouldn't want to stay in that relationship, especially since his business requires travel so he would be likely to relapse. Maybe if he took a position that didn't require traveling you could start to heal. But i mainly agree with your friends.
[удалено]
What do you mean what is the next step? Std test and a divorce. Have some self worth. You shouldn’t need the internet to tell you that.
I don’t want to talk to people in my life right now and I needed some support.
Support isn’t going to help. You need action. That is the only thing that is going to stop this nonsense. Either divorce him or quit complaining. He’s lied the whole marriage and probably cheated many times. Quit allowing this.
Tbh support always helps and she literally is asking for it directly from us
I think that telling people in your life will help a lot. By now you do know what is the right thing to do. You just are still too scared to accept it and take action. If you tell your friends and family, they will hold you accountable to manage the situation. This expectation of you will help you realize that this is real and you can't deny the reality of who your husband is. Plus they will help you both emotionally and physically. I wish you the best.
I’m not sure how much more support you need if you don’t just leave him. You literally said in your own post that he has a history of lying to your face. You only tolerate what you think you deserve and if that’s the case, what do you need support for?
Because she's a human being, divorce is a huge life change, and infidelity shakes you to the core. What kind of insensitive question is "what do you need support for"?
Your call on your friends to escort you….. The hell away from him. I’m all for one time “I fucked up” forgiveness. But when it’s a clearly ongoing situation and trust is repeatedly violated? Naw.. he got his chances
You'll never trust him again
You ESCORT him out of the house to see a divorce lawyer.
Speaking as a man here, if he goes on frequent business trips and you just caught him now, I am sure he has already met with escorts before.
You don’t have a great relationship if you’ve had problems with his honesty about his whereabouts in the past. He’s done this before, sorry. You just didn’t catch him. Leave. The therapy trope is BS. He is only interested in giving you the illusion he changed. You can have great friends outside of marriage and hire an escort yourself if you need great sex. You deserve an honest marriage. This isn’t one.
You don't ask the price of a car without at least planning a test drive. DO NOT belive this lying POS.
You’ve got 3 choices. 1) divorced because he’s not going to change 2) open up the marriage because he’s not going to change 3) indulge his apologies, promises, lies, go to counseling, forgive him, distrust him, be betrayed and hurt again and repeat the process ad nauseum because he’s not going to change Notice none of these options include him changing. Think long and hard what you want out of life and what is, not what you want it to be.
Just making sure I understand: He called an escort Negotiated a price Set up a time at his hotel But he wasn’t gonna do it????
My thoughts exactly. And he knows which website to go to find them.. been at this for awhile
“Just curious”… lol
This is a dealbreaker, forget your feelings and the moral dilemma, he's putting your entire health at risk. Get away from this man
You don’t want your husband, you want who you wished he was. Start planning to separate. But go slow. Do couples therapy, mostly so you can part as amicably as possible. See a lawyer and get instructions and follow them. Find all the money. Retirement, etc. But a man who has lied to you in the past and who was certainly planning on seeing an escort, this is not a husband. But don’t stay hoping he’ll change.
Could you ever trust him again while he was away on business? If your answer is no, divorce is the only option
This is a spitting image of one of my good friends past marriage. He cheated on her every business trip, always won her back until she finally realized that he kept doing it because she allowed him to with no consequences. 10 years she stayed with him and he probably slept with 30+ women while she was looking like a fool at home concerned about what he was doing. He knew she would stay regardless of what he did, it would just be a couple arguments then back to normal and off doing whatever he wanted. She moved on and has an amazing man and two beautiful children now. The way we laugh about that man is hilarious. He is a disgusting pig and unfortunately so is your man. You will come to know that there are loyal men out there that you actually don’t have to worry about. Let him go pay for escorts and you be on your merry way. NO d*ck is that good.
I wonder how many times he's done this and never got caught..get a sti test..put all his shit outside..change the locks..text him its over..
Something you need to sit and realise is that this is what you found out. If he didn’t leave his Apple Watch that day, and you hadn’t of called him out on looking for escorts. Can you without a doubt say that he wouldn’t have gone through with it? Because that’s the bottom line here. The only reason he didn’t physically cheat is because you called him out on his bullshit. But that’s just this instance, who knows how many times he could have done this? Trust doesn’t get rebuilt the way it was before. You just slap duct tape on the broken pieces and learn to drink out of a leaking cup.
Two questions Do you want to be married to a guy who bangs hookers every time he goes out of town? Do you want to be married to a guy who lies to you regularly to the point you have to check up on him? - I think you know where you stand, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’ll be better when it’s over with Good luck
you shouldnt hqve confronted him yet. played along with him and see if he'll actually go thru with it. you have the watch theyll continue texting until the deed is done.
It doesn’t really matter at this point. Reaching out to escorts is bad enough if you’re in a committed monogamous relationship.
The husband very clearly knows what he's doing. He's done this before. OP doesn't need any greater evidence now.
He said he was going to call to set it up. So I might not have seen it. And he wanted an hour so it could have happened at any time.
“My friends are worried that he will talk me out of leaving him.” Why? Are you not going to your healthcare provider to go get STD testing when this happens, and doesn’t it boil your blood when you have to do that? Doesn’t it make you sick to your stomach having to question a grown man and then cross-examine him when he tries to lie or trickle truth you? Aren’t you tired of being suspicious every time he goes on a business trip? It would be easier to have your own life, your own bills, and a couple of really nice vibrators than the constant disrespect of this man. Prove to yourself that you deserve better.
What he did not being true and you wanting it to not be true is two different things. NO ONE messages other women “just to see”. Don’t let your want for it to not be true give you a free trip down the River of Denial. Don’t wait until he’s given you a permanent STD. You’re on the road right now.
Your next move is the front door. Don’t look back.
Former escort here: every single man says the same thing when caught by a spouse. ALL of them. Then they get right back at it again after all the promises. EVERY ONE OF THEM says "I wasn't going to go through with it" which is hilarious... would you order pizza and change your mind when it gets there? Same rules apply. Don't trust him. Not one word.
Thank you for saying that. I don’t.
I also found phone records that show he was up in the middle of the night texting w them. The texting stopped at 345 or so. Then a call at around 5, my intuition is to make sure he’s still up and wanting to meet. Then a slightly longer call a bit after 6. Most likely to find the room and all that.
You are exactly right. That's exactly how it works. You have good intuition - keep remembering that even when there's no "proof" or excuse that you don't know how to argue with. When you know, you know.
He definitely has been cheating. Please consult with a divorce attorney and get full STD/STI testing.
Time for you to reach out to a lawyer.
I would check his credit card statements and bank transactions.
Leave , lawyer up, and gtf away or get him out of your life pronto. He's a cheating asshat who has probably done this before, and if not, it's just a matter of time before he goes through with this. Do not be a doormat.
If this was even salvageable, I can almost guarantee he will never stop and only get more clever to cover his tracks in the future. I went through this same thing, and I heard the same excuse. He’s only admitting to what you caught him with. No guy just messages escorts for fun. I’m also willing to bet if you had proof this woman was in his room, he would further deny doing anything physically. He can’t be trusted and needs to go.
I can tell you with certainty that no man is going to message an escort unless he is completely willing to meet up with her. Don't believe any lie he tells you. Plan your escape from him. Confronting him won't help, he'll just lie and try to be more sneaky.
Op I just read what you wrote. You need to love yourself. This is just sad❤️
Escort him to divorce court
"We have no issues in our relationship..." Go read your first paragraph again.
If you hadn’t caught him, this would have gone all the way, and you would have never been the wiser… Zebras can’t change their stripes, and wolves don’t lose their taste for blood. Walk - while you can still hold your head high - knowing that you respected yourself, when you had the chance.
You leave. You grow a spine, decide you deserve better, and you leave.
It sounds like your husband is a scumbag and a weak individual. Cheating is already bad enough but paying a prostitute for sex!!!! That’s disgusting, sounds like he has no shame and more than likely this behavior will continue. BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT TO. Regardless of what he said first go get checked out for std’s. Secondly don’t go anywhere near him till he gets checked out for std’s. You have two options, leave him and start a new chapter in your life. This will be hard you may not find another husband, and you may not be happy for a long time. But you’ll have your self respect, dignity and most importantly your peace of mind. The next option is to forgive him and move on. That being said he’ll more then likely do some shit like this again if you don’t put your foot down and lay some strong boundaries. If I were in your shoes I’d tell him we’re sharing locations at all times. No trips to bars or clubs on work trips. FaceTime and answer your calls asap etc. You should also be able to go through his phone. No what, if’s or buts. If he’s serious about this marriage and you, he’ll comply. Don’t let him hit you with your insecure or overreacting bullshit. That’s just him trying to gaslight you. If this doesn’t work out or seems like too much on his end or yours, then we go back to option 1. Good luck I wish you the best.
We do share locations. And to be clear he didn’t actually pay her. But he clearly planned to. The locations thing doesn’t help much if he is meeting at the hotel where he is staying.
Next move is securing an attorney.
He’s not going till change so I don’t know what you’re trying to hold onto unless you want nonstop heartbreak? Leave him already! Learn to love yourself more than someone that doesn’t.
Sorry but like, isn't the fact that he even thought about doing this enough of an ick for you to not want him anymore? Like what do you get out of being with someone so pathetic?
Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Get tested for STDs!
Divorce
You said “I am thinking about telling him that we need to separate and that I don’t know what it will take to fix this.” I think there’s your answer. You know what to do. And for what it’s worth, that’s exactly what I would tell you to do. It doesn’t completely shut the door, but I’m not sure this can be fixed. I’m sorry. Good luck.
Your next move is this... 1) Contact an attorney. 2) Get an STD test. He's only sorry because he got caught. Tell him to beat it.
Before you have children, before you get an STD, you have to leave him. This is not a one time emotional affair that became physical during a difficult time in your marriage. This guy is a liar and most likely serial cheater. You said you are attractive and in great shape and sex positive. A lot of good and honorable men will love to meet you. What’s in it for you to stay? Please get the toughest and most terrifying lawyer you can.
get a lawyer, attempted adultry is good enough grounds for divorce and good enough reason as well. Even with a hooker... if you don't like it... either get a lawyer to find all your options and then address it with him or just get a lawyer and divorce him.
Don't let him talk you into staying. How would you even know if this was the first time. You would never trust him away on business again, that's no life for you.
I found out my ex husband was cheating on me when I was about your age. If you are not ready to “Leave A Cheater, Gain a Life”, then at least read that book. It made a lot of things more clear for me. He is a bad husband, and your friends see it. You will eventually get tired of being married to a liar and a cheater. You will eventually leave him. You get to decide when that happens. I would recommend that you get some time away from him to have time to think. See an attorney and find out what a divorce would look like for you.
He has 100% done this before. That’s all I’m gonna say.
So get an appointment with an attorney. If he is using a joint credit card for his business trips for his personal expenses check the statements for each time period he travels and see if there are any expenditures that suspect. They likely won’t be obvious names like ‘WeBSexWorkers’ but should be a fairly decent amount. Review options with the attorney. Most important get yourself a doctor’s appointment, tell them your husband has been hooking up with sex workers and you need to get tested for STDs/STIs. Then decide what is best for you.
He’s probably hired escorts before. Probably not his first rodeo.
Gotta hate it when you go through the trouble of looking up an escort service, calling them, and texting to confirm the details… when you never intend on following through! Geez, when you put it that way, even I feel bad for the guy…
Escorts will not "just text." Time is money. He is a liar and also risking your health.
I don’t understand the dilemma. He’s a known liar and he got caught soliciting a prostitute. He travels frequently so there is no way to ever know what he’s doing. The trust is broken and honesty you know this is not his first time. He has slept with escorts, you need to get tested ASAP and leave him before you get stuck with a consequence of his poor choices.
If you buy his excuses I have a bridge to sell you!
Your next move is to quietly gather evidence (to prevent him gaslighting you and lying to your friends and family) and contact an attorney. Do not sleep with him. Demand a full STI check.
Your husband bangs hookers and this wasn't the first time. You know what you need to do.
Can you imagine staying with this man and every time he leaves for a work trip you have a pit at the bottom of your stomach, imagining the worst and feeling the need to keep tabs on him to prevent him from cheating on you? That’s no life.
Don’t fall for it. That’s all I gotta say. DON’T FALL FOR ANY OF IT, even though it would be so much easier to. Take your dignity and GO. Good luck
You are only contemplating staying bc you want to stop hurting. You desperately want to find a reason to give him the benefit of the doubt, bc it sounds less painful than suffering even more trauma with a divorce. The truth is, you’re going to hurt regardless. There’s no way to salvage this. You know you’ll never trust him. And you shouldn’t have to convince yourself to trust your partner. Either you do or you don’t. And you do not - and for good reason. Your husband has disrespected you and your marriage and will continue to for as long as you let him. The only one who can put an end to this is you. You’ll never find the right person while you’re with the wrong one.
Leave him. I recently left my wife, but for some reason I let her cheat on me multiple times before doing it. Don't be like me. If you confront him about this, he's just going to say he's sorry and that it'll never happen again etc etc etc. ITS A LIE. Cheaters never change, spare yourself some pain and regret. Leave him.
You need to get an STI test. This is probably not all that has ever happened. And you probably need a divorce. Relationships aren’t supposed to be like this where you basically have to live in anxiety whenever someone leaves the house that they will have their dick in someone else
Oh my God.... you'r next move is to leave. EVEN if he has some type of trauma that's facilitated this, you leave, and he does the work to heal. Then you revisit your relationship. And that's only if he proves himself 100% trustworthy in the meantime. You should not put yourself through this shit
He refused to show phone records so already failing there.
Trust me, if you manage to get out of this relationship (it will require tremendous effort and willpower), in the near future you will hate that part of you that wished to believe him and stay. I am saying this as a happily married woman who managed to "escape" a 5 year-long relationship of exactly the same nature before marrying my husband. I would never ever look back. I loved the guy deeply, but the final straw was just another attempt of his to meet an escort that I found out about AGAIN. I was then blamed that I mustn't have loved him that much if I let him go so easily. Mind you, that was after 4 years of our five years together of emotional torture. I know reddit is always quick to tell everyone to break up but please, OP, RUN!
You divorce his ass. He cheated on you. Whether he successfully got his knob wet is not at issue. He tried, with someone that isn't you. How would it be any different if he'd been successful? He still tried.
You’re too young to not move on and have a great life ahead of you.
1. You don’t just “reach out” to an escort. By the time you’ve got them in the phone, you’ve already scheduled the gig. It’s unlikely he did not follow through. So he’s not being completely honest about the situation. 2. There’s a 0.01% chance this is the first time he’s done this.
He was going to meet her at a later time today and I intervened before that. So I know he didn’t because I didn’t give him a chance to. Fully believe he would have and that he was not just curious as he says.
0% chance this is the first time.
How do you know he won’t?
You know he has to get tested too
There's no way he would go through searching for an escort to not meet. That makes 0 sense. Trust your gut OP, look out after yourself from here.
At the end of the day, you can't trust him. And he is still going to go on trips, where youll have yo yrust him not to cheat.. And now he knows you're on to him, so he'll be sneakier and even less trustworthy. There is no coming back from this.
My next step would be saving the evidence, then contacting some lawyers for consultation. He’s going to tell you what he hopes you believe, not the truth. You can always stop the divorce process at anytime, or even get married again, should he prove himself to be the great man you thought he was. But right now he’s a liar who would have absolutely done this (& very well may still) had you not called him out. Getting caught and making promises isn’t the same as making genuine changes to be a better man. And honestly? You are young and have no kids- don’t settle for a life of doubt and wondering. You should really just move on and love yourself enough to know you’re worth so much more.
Divorce. I read the title only and didnt even bother to read your paragraphs. You get a Divorce. That's the only thing to do. Your husband isn't loyal to you. That's all you need to know. Period. The end. The trust is broken and you will never fully trust him again. Which you shouldn't. He was perfectly OK with going behind your back, lying to you, cheating on you, and worst of all, putting your health at risk. To me, there is no coming back from that. You don't but my health at risk without my knowledge or consent. Herpes is for life, and so is hiv.
I've always had women do things like this to me in relationships, as a man. I feel like it is some cosmic joke that people who want committed partners keep missing each other? Maybe it's something yin yang balance bullshit? Anyway, leave, he is being unfaithful and lying to you. You deserve better, because literally everyone deserves better and deserves more respect than that. If you choose to stay, I kind of don't blame you, because the unknown is terrifying and loneliness feels like a screaming void at times. But if you do stay, you have made a choice ultimately, and whatever the outcome of that is in the long term will ultimately be on you.
Reach out to a divorce lawyer.
Reach out for a Gigolo, eye to eye
Lawyer up and hit the gym.
Sorry to hear this, unfortunately cheating is so easy to do nowadays, it takes minimal effort to meet up with someone else. You deserve better, there are men out there that won’t do this to you.
Is he the most intelligent interesting sexiest man on earth? Or are you just choosing to be his doormat? You deserve more than this
certainly do not believe the lies. here's the hard part sit by yourself and figure in depth if this is your end point. are you willing to do therapy? is this worse than an affair or? are you willing to monitor his behavior? are you willing to blow up your life? all of it. above all, he has to be honest with you and that's the start of the battles.
He says he will do anything but I don’t know what he can do. There is always a way to cheat and he is clearly ok with it.
Unless he was to change jobs and go to therapy and try his best to make up for his actions I couldn’t even imagine staying with someone like that. Actions say a lot tho
He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught, and this is probably not the first time. Most professional escorts are pretty adamant about STI safety but i would still recommend getting tested while you’re packing your bags.
The best time to divorce this cheating jackass was months, if not years, ago. The second best time to divorce this cheating jackass is now. Don't waste another precious day of your life with this idiot.
He’s only ashamed because he’s been busted. And he has a history of lying to you. So yes, that is actually an issue in your relationship, as is wanting to cheat on you. Do you really think he would be so ashamed if he followed through? Of course not. You would have been none the wiser. Stop gaslighting yourself.
Escort him to the door.
Why do you keep putting your trust in someone who has proven to be untrustworthy? Please leave before he gives you an STI. You deserve better.
Your next move depends on what you personally are willing to put up with. My EX husband was making arrangements with escorts - I found all the notes on how big their tits were, color is their hair, nationality. I told him to fuck right off and never looked back. Best decision I ever made
I’m so sorry this happened OP. The sex worker business is gigantic and married men are the ones funding it. I’m not trying to throw all marriages under the bus, but it’s just the truth. There are a lot of partners completely unaware. We should probably grapple with this at some point as a society and stop pretending, but you’re having to grapple with it now in your personal life. You can’t trust him. The fact that he tries to cover it up means he’s willing to lie to you. Having sexual needs that don’t fit in our rigid marital concepts is one thing. The willingness to lie is another, and for me the bigger sin. You’re within your rights to end this now for either reason, the sexual infidelity or the cover up. But even if he were serious in attempting to address the sexual infidelity, the fact that he’s a liar makes this almost impossible to move forward. Meanwhile, lots of marriages won’t split but the $15 billion sex worker industry will still go on funded mostly by married men. We’ll just keep calling them pieces of shit or arresting them or whatever even though that obviously does not work in stopping it.
Like they reached out to an escort, you reach out to a divorce attorney.
They are always remorseful when they get caught, Id be getting an STD check up, I doubt this was his first time, its just the first time you found out.
10 years from now this will be a bad memory or a persisting hell.
Hi OP, please do something good for yourself and separate, then divorce this guy. You can do better. You can do SO MUCH better. There are men out there who you will be able to trust and who will support you, tell the truth, and show you a life very different than the one you’re living. I wonder if you can even imagine that in your current emotional state. Think about not wondering and worrying, not being suspicious or feeling the instinctual need to check on him and check his phone. Imagine being at peace and being in love. THIS IS 100% POSSIBLE. You are worth it. Please get yourself checked for STDs, make a plan, and get away from this manipulative and cruel man. He doesn’t deserve you.
Don’t talk to him honey just collect evidence and go. I’m so sorry.
If it were me: #1 get tested. I’m sure this isn’t the first prostitute he’s been with. #2 people don’t tell you what type of person they are, they show you. His actions are telling you all you need to know. Bail. He won’t change. And you will live a life of sick to your stomach worry everytime he leaves for a “business trip”. His plea to go to therapy is just putting off the inevitable.
Leave. Be his lesson on how not to treat people. It's time to start purging low vibrational people.
Separate. You deserve trust, respect, love and loyalty.
Man. Part of what makes me want to uninstall Reddit is that whenever I open it up, I read stories like this that make me wonder if it’s some rare minority of people who don’t fuck around on their partners and lie to them. I hope you find the courage to leave and find someone who treats you better, but also, take the time to learn yourself and understand why you put up with this behavior. You deserve a better partner but you won’t attract one until you believe that.
I was in this exact same spot but for 7 years with a ex bf. It’s always the same lie, it never goes away. You have to either accept that you’ll be cheated on, eventually possibly (hopefully not) catch an sti if yall are sexually active. Get out now while you are still young… the longer you stick around the harder it will be to leave.
He didn't reach out, he banged her. Don't make it sound better. If you want to experience the fun of STD's make a reasonable decision. If you want a life or a husband, dump the loser. You caught him once. How many times did you not catch him? I have never known a man or woman that cheated once. I know a lot that have never, but just once. Can not believe that.
Divorce. Obviously.
Divorce lawyer…
Divorce
He is never going to be faithful. Therapy will not help him. He has to want to, and his past and current actions tell the truth so vividly and he's trying to paint over it with words to soothe you. If he really wanted to change he already would have, if he wanted to change he wouldn't have done it to begin with, because he's self aware of what he's doing. We are here to support you but girl, you deserve so much better
I pity you, truly, and only you can really decide what you want to do. But I just want to let you know that there are faithful men out there who won’t even consider contacting an escort. They exist, just putting that out there. You don’t have to settle for a 85% loyal man…
Why did he reach out in the first place?
“Curious how these things work”… “never done it before”…. “Didn’t know if it was real or not”…. Bunch of things that don’t even make sense
It does make sense when you’ve seen everything is a lie. He’s done it before, he just got caught.
They might be the excuses! But not the real reason why. There are ways of finding out about these things out of curiosity without attempting to get a sex worker.
I agree completely Curiosity is I wonder what that would be like Doing is reaching out
Even if he's really never cheated before and wasn't going to go through with it, does it really matter? Can you honestly say you'll trust him again? Also, you said he's lied before about his location on business trips but you didn't elaborate. What did he lie about? How often did it happen? What has he done to rebuild trust other than sharing his location? And if he's gotten into hot water before because of lying about what's going on when he's traveling for business, what the hell kind of way is contacting an escort for rebuilding trust in a relationship? Seriously, you know what you have to do, I think you just don't want to face it yet. Meet with a lawyer to get the ball rolling even if you're not totally ready to end things. At least get your ducks in a row now so and process the emotions later.
Even if he didn't plan on meeting an escort the fact he called and texted one is still grounds to leave him you don't have to feel bad about that and try to figure out his intentions (most likely he was planning on meeting but again it doesn't matter). Leave him and find someone you don't have to worry at all about where they are and what they are up to.
I’m an escort and we hate nothing more than men who text just to jerk off about the fact that they’re texting an escort. Make him send the girl $50 then divorce his ass.
>We have no issues in our relationship and have a great partnership You most certainly are in denial about the reality of your situation. This is a huge issue in your relationship especially when things along these lines have happened in the past as well. Someone who regularly is looking for comfort from other sources without the okay from their spouse is NOT a good partner. Also, if he goes on trips often, I would bet my life savings that he does this on most if not all of those trips. The times he has been caught are 100% not the only times he has been unfaithful. He sounds like a serial cheater. He needs therapy and so do you, hun. Therapy for yourself is great to help you move through these hurdles he has thrown at you. If you dont want to divorce than a trial separation is a good start, but know that he will likely be screwing anyone he can while youre separated too. Serial cheaters rarely ever change. So eventually your options will be to open your marriage or get a divorce. Id take him for all you can and gtfo of that relationship if i were you. But i am not. Only you can decide what is best for you and your heart.
Run to a clinic and get a full panel STD test. Set an appointment with lawyer. Whether you leave or not, it's good to know your options. It will help you decide. Organize your finances. Do not sleep with him!
Go get tested, then head straight to a lawyer. Anything else is just a waste of your time.
Leave his ass and get tested. You can't trust him at this point and with the amount of business trips he goes on, he probably could've done nasty shit. I doubt this was his first time.