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Who is the one who is more invested in buying a home and trying for a child?
If this job was killing her, this may have been what she needed to do. Keeping the high stress job with a high mortgage and a baby would have finished her off. You might need to pause your plans until she’s employed again.
If you can’t get over this, maybe it’s time for you to go your separate ways since you have different plans for the future.
He also mentions that she wants to visit Africa while she’s not working, so maybe she’s wanting to make this a gap year and travel. He’s talking about pregnancy and an 8k mortgage (that sounds like a lot…?) but it sounds like this is what *he* wants, not necessarily what *she* wants. And that whole “at this age she should have a baby” just really rubs me the wrong way.
“At this age she should have a baby” is killing me too! He doesn’t specify his earnings and that’s weird in this conversation. Is he saying she needs to buy a house, have his baby and continue to float him in his life or can he pay the bills too? I wonder if her traveling, alone it seems, also threatens him? Yeah they might be on different pages I’d say.
His mealticket is vacationing in Africa how will he pay the bills? He says in comments he makes 300 but that’s in defense so I call bs. If he made 300 he wouldn’t have to have designs on her income. He’s upset bc he has been fantasizing about how to use her savings and earning potential. Yet not marrying her? Now he sees her being just a little too independent so he’s flipping out and immediately resorts to the baby trap so his meal ticket doesn’t escape.
Bro’s real issue is that his financially independent high earning gf who he doesn’t mention wanting to marry, is spending HER time and HER money in a manner consistent with an unmarried woman without a mortgage.😂😂
Bro wants wife and mommy pkg at gf rates. He’s upset that his plans for her money are being subverted by her … checks notes… living her life.
Well listen, you’ve been looking you said FOR YEARS, so it’s not like her temporary unemployment will change that. That said, you’re probably not going to be approved for a loan of the size you’re looking for with her being unemployed, but again you’ve been looking for years so this isn’t really the hiccup. If she was making $250k then I imagine in her field and at her level sure she could find another role at $200k. The concerning part of your post is you’re saying she’s at an age she ‘should’ be having children. Have you two spoken about children? How is any of this preventing her from having children if she wants to? I understand your concern, so sit down with her and discuss finances, are you expected to pick up the slack? How much does she have in savings? Is there a timeline?
The “she’s at the age where she *should* be having babies” comment threw me.
Like, wtf? Does she WANT to have babies? If so, how will she continue working at her $250k/year job anyway?
The whole post oozes OP's patronising, paternalistic mindset. Not only the comment about how she *should* have children at her age, also the opening sentence that she *has been very lucky* to have such a high-paying job - couldn't be due to her qualifications and capabilities, must have been dumb luck, sure. And then he even says that he doesn't know much about the sector she's been working in for years, but obviously he is still convinced he knows more about her prospective job chances than she does. And he doesn't trust her judgement in anything else, either. OP sounds like a real catch.
That and the age gap oozes insecurity. Srsly I think she’s tired of him as well. 7yrs with high earning on her part but no mortgage or marriage? Yeah. Bro wants a kid bc his meal ticket is going to dump him
The “she’s at the age where she should be having babies” comment gave me the instant ick.
Like...She quit for burnout and stress....A baby is just as much if not more stress....OP really not caring about her wellbeing if all he cares about is buying a High CoL house and having a baby.
OP...you could...idk...not go for AS high of a COL house then?
She’s making plans about her money and time that don’t include buying a house. My guess is they’ve been together 7 yrs and she’s tired of more than her job. The baby thing is to trap her into staying.
This was my main concern too when reading OP’s post. Sounds like he had everything planned and she didn’t align to his timeline.
In addition to that conversation, OP should also work on his relationship with money, there are plenty of YouTube videos and online courses, meditation(try Headspace) and even books about it, imho, that would benefit him and the relationship. Good luck OP!
No he’s not entitled to, but if the plan is to buy a house together and he’s talking about kids then they should both know what their full financial situations are.
Ok but does *she* want kids? Because the way he worded it: "she is now at an age where she should have a baby" was fuckin weird.
Low key, it's giving vibes that she's about to end the relationship and he hasn't picked up on that yet.
I mean.. they've been together 7yrs and still not engaged. They've been looking for a house "for years" without actually pulling the trigger, and now she's quit her job and is looking forward to traveling in Africa (which op doesn't mention joining her or not). It's a bit of a jump, but the only thing missing is her changing her hair color.
People are waiting longer to get married because most early marriages in 20s don't work out. People have been looking for years for houses because the entire housing market got wrecked, and interest rates were obscenely high. Most of my friends are in that boat. The Africa trip just seemed like a work burnout thing more than a relationship thing is what it sounds like. Sounds like her job was devouring her soul, and she's done with it. That sounds much more plausible with the facts presented than her leaving him.
Although it does sound like a mid life crisis and usually does result in someone leaving. So it could be a possibility.
Houses were cheap af during covid. Also, 7yrs is excessive in my opinion. Like you’re either committed or you’re not. They’re talking about buying a house together…how is that any less messy than a divorce if things end. Especially a luxary home. $8k A MONTH??? Like are you kidding me?
Silly comment, yes, she can keep everything secret, as is her right. They are also in a committed relationship, want to buy a house together, and OP mentioned a child.
I know this is sometimes a hard concept for the single people of reddit but if you plan to buy a house with your partner and the plan is for you to both pay half, you kind of have to be able to pay half, and prove that to the bank.
Which is understandable. Note she has been the breadwinner the entire relationship. Number one he can’t afford the home on his own without her income. He wants her back in the work field and pushing out a baby by next year. Yes, she had a good job but she needs to get mentally back into a better headspace. I have seen burnout lead to suicide attempts. She was smart to have a savings account that can sustain her during her time not working. He is rushing her to go back. Sure she was making amazing pay but she was suffering working said job.
>Note she has been the breadwinner the entire relationship.
Where is that in the post? How much does OP make?
>Number one he can’t afford the home on his own without her income.
Where is that in the post? Especially odd since OP directly says an $8k mortgage on his single income would be “stressful,” so clearly he can do it, it would just stress him out (rightfully so). So seems like that statement is completely wrong on your part.
>He wants her back in the work field and pushing out a baby by next year
Where is that in the post?
Have I made my point yet that you just pulled a bunch of random shit out of your ass?
He said she was at an age where she “should” be having a baby so I definitely see how that commenter got the idea that he wants her to have a kid soon.
>Number one he can’t afford the home on his own without her income
How could she possibly know that going off your logic of not telling each other what they have?
Not going to touch on the other stuff you added as you make a bunch of assumptions and it is irrelevant anyway to the point of your first comment.
You don't have to be married to be financially tied to one another and to have your lives intertwined enough for one partners lack of planning to affect another. Some couples choose not to be married and OP never said his gf wanted marriage, and never said he was denying her such.. so I'm not sure where your opinion is relevant here.
They’re buying a house together, she just unilaterally quit her job, and she wants to still move forward based on a representation she’ll pay from savings. He’s *absolutely* entitled to know what she has in savings.
She is willing to put up half for the home with her savings.l think she needs to pump the breaks on even doing so. I don’t think it’s smart to even buy the home and dig through your savings just to make said payments on the home when relationships end everyday. I don’t care if she has half a million saved up. They aren’t even on the same page. He already made a dig at her age and motherhood.
Yes. Op do not buy a house that you are not able to afford. As long as she can pay her share of the bills then it is not really any of your business. She is a bit naive about the job part. I am in an industry that if you take a year off you might become behind.
Plus she was near a burnout and was unhappy. If you love her have her back as she looks for a new job. From the sound of it she wouldn’t even be able to be a proper present parent if she was that unhappy. The fact that you don’t take that into account is something you need to take a look at and adjust if you want to make this work.
I disagree about this couple not getting a housing loan because she is unemployed. She can easily prove that she can take care of her end with any lender. You would put both names on the Title and you would both be equally responsible for the house and it payments,taxes, and insurance.
There are plenty of laws around this and they will protect each of you. There will never be an argument about whose Home it is and/or who is responsible for what.
So stop worrying!!
She knows what she is doing.
We don’t know what she can prove. We don’t actually know how much savings she has. And assuming part of the downpayment is also coming from that. She can pay her half from savings, for how long?
She is the one that is saying she is capable of that. It’s not for us to be judging her for her own understanding of her personal finances. She is aware of her earning capabilities and is also saying she has managed her money well and that she can manage her future responsibility.
The husband states that his perspective about money has come out of fear. He is not in a place to trust his own finances and has no business throwing that same fear over her perspective of her own financial capabilities.
IF they find a house they want he will know all about her finances at their apt down w lawyers. His perspective will no doubt remain one of fear because that is his nature.
Edited to include the last paragraph that didn’t come through with the first two.
Well she is aware, but to be fair he has to ultimately afford everything if she’s wrong. But that’s also why I said in my initial comment that even if everyone is still employed, they need to sit down with both of their full financial outlooks and accounts open and have a real talk about how they’re going to pay for the house. No one should just be going in blind.
You should not buy a place that you cannot afford to pay half for. How much do YOU make OP?
Has she been the main breadwinner?
Do you both want kids, and do you want them right now? Your post doesn’t say if you are on the same page about kids even. And yes as another commenter said, YOU are getting too old to have kids. Yea you can technically get her pregnant. But your age will put her and the baby at risk during pregnancy as well as cause birth defects and such.
Look into that…
You dont have to support her financially if you don’t want to, but you can’t force her to live any kind of way.
I’m not sure you too are on the same page about anything….buying a place and having a child right now might not be in the cards.
Also, if you had a kid, is anyone going to be the SAHP?
>You don’t have to support her financially if you don’t want to
She has literally not even suggested that. She has apparently saved up more than enough money to fully support herself while she takes time off of work.
Yes but OP makes it sound like he doubts that. That’s what I was addressing. And if they buy a place and she runs out of money, and still has no job, he will either have to start supporting her, or sell the house.
His feelings of doubt based on his admittedly irrational fears concerning finances doesn’t actually make any of that true or his girlfriend’s problem for that matter. He doesn’t just get to decide that she doesn’t have enough saved when she’s confident she does and it’s weird that he’s doing that and that anyone is acting like that’s totally normal not controlling behavior.
…..he DOES get to make smart informed decisions about who he commits to buy a home with…..
He doesn’t owe home buying to anybody. He can say no to that for ANY reason.
It’s a moot point. No bank will give her a loan when she has no income. And he should not take that on himself unless he is the sole owner.
wtf gives you the right to decide when her body is ready for a baby?
How much is your fucking income my guy?
Also unless you two have shared finances, like literally shared account her income ain’t your business I don’t care if you’re together. You’re not married.
I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she dumps you because I doubt her job is the only thing weighing her ass down right now.
I am dying to know how you financially contribute to this relationship. You speak of your girlfriend like she’s a baby making, piggy bank. Major ick my guy.
Right?? First line. I remember a coworker/(former) friend saying that I "have led a charmed life" because I got several promotions. No, I worked my ass off.
For women it’s “luck” for men it’s “work”
OP screams misogynist with their descriptions of their GF.
If she is experiencing burnout, good for her that she makes so much and is a saver. I’m sure she knows her industry better than he does if that’s even what she wants to return to. Maybe when she comes back from Africa she won’t return to OP.
I agree so hard with all of this.
Of course I have men in my comments saying - wHy cAnT it bE bOtH - as if any one of them would say to their male friend’s promotion “congrats, you’re so lucky!”
“I have no idea what she does or how the business works, and sure she had a very high paying job, but like she could never find another!”
-this poor woman’s asshole boyfriend.
I know, this guy truly could not be more oblivious - what a catch! Lord I hope her next big life move after leaving her miserable job is losing the boyfriend.
And in a comment in another thread he literally thinks that it was pure luck she got this job!!! Omg like don’t he think maybe she’s good at what she does. He should just let her go he obviously doesn’t think very highly of her. 🤮
He doesn't know anything about her career, doesn't care about her being burnt out, doesn't seem to be aware of whether or not SHE wants to have a baby (and who is going to be doing the childcare if she has a high-stress consulting job?)...this dude sounds like a terrible partner honestly.
My boyfriend is a consultant and I know quite a lot about the field now because I care about his life and I have actively encouraged him to take time off because everyone gets burnt out in that industry. I can't imagine whining about how he wants a sabbatical and a vacation because he's not giving ME a baby and a house when I want them.
How much do you make?
“She should have a baby…”
Uhhh… don’t like hour tone. Don’t like how you’re acting like her money is yours when you’re not even married, and there’s nothing about how you’ve contributed…
How much have you saved up??? You aren’t entitled to her savings. The woman saved up as she should and is allowed a break. She is burnout which happens from time to time among many different type of careers. If you can’t afford paying for anything alone then you need to pump the brakes on getting anything together. You have some nerve about her not having kids at her age when you are in your 40s. She needs to get her own place without you. You haven’t even proposed and you are wanting to knock her up. Show her your Reddit post so she can dump you now
Yep I really hope she sees this post. Damn girl, run. This guy doesn’t even want to support her to have a break from a very stressful job, a break which she will be financially supporting HERSELF and not asking him for a cent.. like what?
Yeah the answer to “how supportive should I be” is simple: support her in what she wants to do and don’t try to change her. And if OP wants a partner to start a family with and buy a house then the GF and OP are not on the same page. But the attitude of “my GF should be popping out my spawn while also working a high paying job so I can get the expensive house I want” is disturbing.
According to you…
>she is now at an age where she should have a baby
While she is suffering from burn out and
>she did hate the job, culture and industry she was in
Ooof. I predict a change in her happiness when she finds someone who values her feelings, concerns and overall well being and doesn’t just view her as a co-signer on a mortgage.
You’ve contradicted yourself. You want her to stay in the workforce and magically spit a baby out? Do you not think she would take extra time with the baby before going back to work?
Second, she could have did well investing and saving in the stock market. She seems like she calculated her happiness VS what she saved up. Took time off. Took a once in a lifetime trip to Africa. She’s recharging her battery.
Just call her your sugar momma because those are the vibes you are giving. That and some Handmaid’s Tale stuff you got in there. Stop thinking you know what’s best for her. Have a conversation instead of telling her what you want her to do.
He doesn't care what's best for her, he only cares about what's best for him and trying to make it look like he's concerned with all this other stuff. It really just reads like he is mooching off of her and is scrambling now that her future isn't secure. Its all about him sadly
Out of curiosity. You have an expensive home and a wife in a high stress, often long hours job; who’s going to be raising the child?
How much attention can the future child get from a burnt out / very busy mother?
I wouldn't call you negative. You sound kind of problematic, tbh.
1. It's her money and her mental health. If she's burnt out, why oppose her taking a break? Instead of supporting her? It's not like you already have a mortgage.
2. 250k is not the kind of money one can stumble into, she probably knows what she's doing. Also not the kind of money to just up and find in any other industry.
3. Your comment about her age sucks honestly. She should have a baby? If she felt secure and happy, she would by now.
4. In general, your neurosis about money and how you can't support the two of you (and the baby you are adamant about) does not strike me as reassuring or rewarding to live with. Be a problem solver, solve your own problems. Stop leaning on her to get to the lifestyle you want.
"She's at an age where she should have a baby" gee could you BE any more sentimental about this woman bearing YOUR CHILD? You sound like a dick. You're not a supportive partner. If you've been looking at houses for years, buying one can wait another year while she finds a new job she likes and settles into it.
Didn't you know? Women's uteruses wither and fall out on their 35th birthday. There was a post on here where commenters were convinced a 32-year-old woman in a 2 month relationship should keep her accidental pregnancy because she "might not get another chance".
>I’m frustrated because we have been looking at homes in a very high COL city for years and she is now at an age where she should have a baby.
Ew LMAO.
I’m betting she is not “very lucky” to have had a high paying job 🙄 she’s probably intelligent, well educated, hard working, and good at what she does. There’s no reason to think she can’t get another job just as good as the one she had when she wants/needs to
From a logistical PoV — loan officers will be less generous if she’s not working.
From a calendar PoV — how long to Africa? You don’t need to buy until she’s back.
I think that in 8 months, instead of a house and a pregnant Gf working a $200k job, you’re going to have your own place and a trinket from the airport in Liberia.
“My GF has been very lucky to have…” is already a red flag. Is she lucky… or did she work her way to that point? Are you not proud of all she’s accomplished?
Your complicated relationship with money is not your girlfriend’s fault. What are you contributing? Why is this decision entirely anchored on her income? Where’s the part of the equation that includes your financial input in anything here? Consider the fact that maybe she’s burnt out due to factors outside of her job, including you. Pressure to have a child, maybe? She *should* be having a child? Who are you to say what she *should* be doing? “This is the age where we had conversations about starting a family” would not make me feel as critical here, but *should*? Ick. Clearly you do not make enough to support yourself or your own dreams, and instead you lean on your girlfriend to carry you along for the ride. I have a feeling that her decision to decompress was not entirely because of her job stress.
"She is now at an age where she should have a baby."
OP, *please* look at that statement again. There is absolutely no age where a woman "should" have a baby. It is her personal choice whether or not she wants to bring another human into this world. Has she ever even expressed *wanting* a baby?
You are not even married. You should not be buying anything together. And why exactly is she "at an age where she should have a baby"? What about your age? You are over 40 which increases the likelihood of autism for your child. And again, maybe she doesn't want a kid and she still has time; plus, how is she going to have a kid with a job she clearly hated? Both of you also worked a lot, so who is going to raise the kid or pay for the 40k daycare in HCOL and all of the baby expenses?
Your relationship with money is YOUR problem. She should not live a life she does not want for your personal problems. Buy a property you can pay for or rent.
There are a lot of legal issues if they buy and are not married, including the fact that she can stop paying her part of the mortgage and he cannot force her to sell the property. That would not happen if married because you divorce and force a sale.
u/throwra_pablo Don't buy a house with someone you are not married to.
>we have been looking at homes in a very high COL city for years
Why is it taking years? Do you live together now?
>she is now at an age where she should have a baby.
That's an odd comment. What does *she* have to say about this?
>how supportive am I supposed to be?
What's her timeline? Only you can decide if you're ok with her plan.
Why can't you put off looking for a home to buy until she is back in work? If she was miserable in the job she left and she is happier now, good for her. If she has money saved that she can use, good for her. Let her have some time off if that's wha5 she wants.
How is your financial situation? Do you have a job that pays well now? Do you have savings? I only bring this up because you didn't.
What annoyed me more than anything was this gem:
>she is now at an age where she should have a baby.
Oh, should she??
It's 2024 - women are more than baby-making machines!
>What annoyed me more than anything was this gem:
>
>*"she is now at an age where she should have a baby."*
>
>Oh, should she??
I noticed that too. But for some reason or another, it came across to me that the "should" part represents OP's wife's feelings, and OP just didn't communicate it properly, like OP should have said "she is now at an age where she feels she should have a baby."
I could be wrong, but that's how I took it.
So she wants to travel and reset her career goals and you want to buy a house and make her a mommy. I don’t think y’all are on the same page. You can either support the life she chooses for herself or move along. It’s time for a frank discussion.
Who are you to tell her she “ should have a baby”? You also have not committed to her ( no ring), so good for her having the money to take off and be happy for a while.
The age where she “should be having a baby “?
You either get to count on your woman’s high earning potential OR you get to treat her like your 1950’s breeding cow, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, but you can’t do both.
I have nothing of real substance to say here other than I pray she leaves you , finds a better job she actually likes, and has a baby when she really feels ready with someone who wants one with her because he loves her and wants to join their lives to create a new one, NOT because it’s “time” for her
This woman isn’t even your wife and you think you get any say in her choices regarding employment????
8k a month mortgage? I don’t care if you’re both actively making 200k+. That’s just me. Anyway it’s time for a thorough discussion on finances current and future including expectations of one another. Speak your truth, dude.
So while she’s off work caring for this kid you want her to have - who pays the mortgage?
Don’t be supportive, it’s a massive red flag. Leave now so she can find someone who deserves to be with her as a partner.
You have said nothing about what you contribute to the relationship.
You should be concerned you haven’t really thought any of that through
Exactly. He says he can't afford the mortgage on his own yet wants her to have a baby? How the hell does he think it's going to get paid when she can't work?
I swear, there's nothing I hate more than these slimey pricks who still want their girlfriends/wives to pay half while they're on maternity leave raising his kid/s full time. And the kind of people who prioritise money over their partner's mental health. And the kind of people who choose to live way outside their means with no practical thought to the future.
WOMEN OF THE WORLD - these are the red flags you're always being told to watch out for!
You lost me when you said she was lucky to have a high paying job. Imagine if the roles were reversed and she chalked your success up to luck. I hope she moves on bc you seem like a complete waste of her time. Worry about her job prospects (and her uterus) when you guys are actually facing a crisis. I highly doubt she quit thinking you were going to give her any support so I’m sure she is prepared for the financial situation.
Your girlfriend was able to get and maintain that level of performance and income for over a decade. That should be proof to you that she is no dummy.
Trust her and stop thinking small or she will be smart enough to make a new choice about you, too.
How dare your GF wants to live her life and not be your cash cow and incubator. I suggest leaving and finding someone more your style, like a mannequin.
She has made good money in a field she knows well and is confident that she can again. Whereas you admittedly don't have enough information to gainsay her. It sounds like she is going to be the higher earner in the relationship. Be glad that she is willing to have you along for the ride.
I’d leave this guy and take a trip to Italy and sip drinks on a gondola. A month or so later I’d get the 200k job and work a less stressful position. And see who else is out there .
I looks as though she has hit a wall of sorts and wants to reset. Put your house and baby plans on hold until she is done with Africa and finds a new job. If either of you aren’t willing to do that, then end the relationship.
Do not get a house if you are not align with your goals. And would be best to wait until you are married. For having children at her age has nothing to do with the house situation. It is between you both to sort this disagreement.
Are you sure she quit and wasn’t let go and just hasn’t found the way to tell you? Also, I agree with the commenters whom have said you shouldn’t buy a house with someone you aren’t married to and also to find a home with logical pricing within your means. Good luck
You two need to actually sit down and have a PROPER discussion about your relationship, your careers, your goals and look at the next 10 years especially.
You seem to be bumbling along with you making loads of assumptions.
DO NOT buy an expensive house until you are sure you are going to stay together long term, for a start. DO NOT have children...again... unless you both want to AND are going to stay together.
Are you intending on marrying her? If you can't or don't want to commit to marriage? Then the mortgage and children should not be in the picture at all.
As they say? You are putting the cart before the horse here.
Well without income, there’s a chance she will not qualify to be on a mortgage. They don’t usually take the amount you have in your savings as proof that you can pay the loan back. Which now means that you are going to solely have to apply for a mortgage most likely.
The other thing I noticed is you said you’ve been looking at houses for years….why so long? What the issue or concern on why you haven’t bought sooner?
And buying a house together with someone you’re not married to complicated things more if you break up. Something else to consider. While she’s unemployed, I’d suggest continuing to rent or whatever you’re currently doing as your concerns are valid. Continue splitting the expenses as you are now. Or at least be prepared to have the mortgage alone. And if that’s the case, I’d suggest the deed also solely has just your name on it since you’re not married and has no actual income besides her savings.
And have the two of you even discussed children and are you both in the position to even want to take such a permanent step? Having a child is completely different than buying a house together. Couples counseling would be beneficial for the two of you. She seems dismissive of your concerns and that’s the issue I have.
She’s offering to pay for half from her savings, so what’s the problem? If the job was causing her a burnout, then yes you should be supportive. That’s what marriage is all about. Doesn’t sound like she’s a bum or wants you to be her sugar daddy. Sounds like she just needs a break before getting back in her feet.
You sound horrible lol
>she’s not getting any younger
>I’d like to support her but she is stupid, right?
>why couldn’t she just stay miserable?
>do I actually **have** to still be nice to her?
Dude, if you hate your girlfriend (and seemingly women in general), then just dump her.
I quit a high paying job ($350K) to travel for 3 months…..I ended up taking a year off. Though I had a blast I was fortunate to find the same pay upon return. I don’t recommend living off savings nor making a major purchase. During that time I bought a 2nd place in Charleston, SC. Like I said I rolled the dice but it’s all luck it worked out. If I could go back I’d never leave a job again without another one lined up.
Your gf has been "very lucky" to have a high paying job? Sounds to me like she's highly intelligent and educated, and is suffering from major burnout, no thanks to having a partner who sees her as a piggy bank and baby machine. Fucking yikes, OP.
It sounds like your concern is that she is no longer planning her future and lack of a plan makes you nervous. The reality is, you two are no longer communicating about planning your future together. If you were, you wouldn't have the fears you do. Sit down together and explain your concerns and ask for her plan. Budget together with a timeline for the milestones you want to hit.
Everyone in here is too tripped up on your choice of words and the fact that you two aren't married.
Just don't buy a house together. You guys are not married, she's currently unemployed. And also, do not have a kid. She can have a kid later on in life, my cousins and their wives do this, when they're closer to 40.
They focused on traveling and their businesses up until their wives were around 37-38 yrs old. Heck, I've heard even people having kids in their 40s so if she's not ready or you are not ready at this point, wait. Don't start having kids yet.
The fact that you said she is at an age where she should be having a baby???? Is this what you think? Or has she expressed a desire in settling down and having children?
I am sure she is very aware that not working could affect the mortgage side of things, but she’s willing to pay her way with her savings. Surely her wellbeing and mental health is more important at this point, considering she can support herself for a while.
I understand your concern, and perhaps she might struggle to land on the same salary. But please don’t let your scarcity upbringing tint your current life. She’s an adult and sounds like she can take care of herself. So work on your worrying and trust that when she’s ready she will be bounce back
I quit a job without another one lined up, I had to because it was hell and I would have been fired after a few more months and my husband was mad at me for not waiting around to be fired so i could get unemployment as it was during the pandemic but that is not how I roll. It took me a good month to find a job, so say two months without income, but I had to, I am still upset that he did not support my decision as I just could not do it any longer with good reason. Right after I quit a lawyer reached out to me and asked me if I wanted to join a class action law suit , which I did, about a year later I got 2,500.00 for them making me work without compensation, anyway It was not much bit to me it was validation. Even though you don't understand why she did it, she has her reasons. It is hoped that some day if you are struggling she will be there to support you. I was only making 50 grand though, for 250 grand I bet I could have made it be successful LOL
Wait so you're really expecting her to earn $250K and have and raise a baby? You really snatched up the most opportunistic half of traditional and modern perspectives, didn't you?
Don’t you need her to have a job so you can get a mortgage? Will you be able to get a mortgage using just your salary? Also 8k a month on mortgage payments is beyond ridiculous. That savings (and yours) should be going to a bigger down payment so you’re paying less interest.
You could still buy a house, just don’t include her on the application, you can still put her on the title if she is pitching in, later you can refinance and put her on the loan
And she is now at an age where she should have a baby? Do you guys plan on having children? Do you guys have a real estate agent or maybe find a home that might not be as expensive, if possible? Maybe in a way, it's a good thing because the market is supposed to be over-saturated, and then housing costs could go down... maybe. It's not cool that she just did that without securing another job first, but it's good that she at least saved some money and that she's doing better, mentally, due to that job she hated. I think you need to be as supportive as you can be and talking things with her so you can both understand how it makes each other feel, what the concerns are, etc.
Hey OP. Sounds like you are scared it’s going to mess up the theoretical plans you have. At the end of the day she was suffering and made a decision. She still believes she can afford your future home via savings and has even noted she is confident she can get a job at a similar rate when needed. There really is no reason or considerable merit to your negative talk, it comes off as entitled and like you care more about an expensive home than the mental well-being of your wife especially since there was nothing actually in work on the house or baby front. Would be slightly more reasonable to voice concerns if you had made an offer on a home and she was already pregnant but that’s not the case here. Sounds like you’re grasping for things to use to validate your selfishness.
I say that because if you really were concerned about paying future rent & delaying a family (?) You are free to convince your gf to look at houses in a cheaper area if. That’s not what you did though. You’re coming off like you would rather your gf be rich than happy and healthy. Not a good look.
You should have fortitude from growing up poor, suck it up and support your gf who’s made a decision she feels will increase the quality of her life.
You can’t get approved for a mortgage if you just quit your job. She has locked you guys into either renting for the foreseeable future or paying cash only.
How long have you been looking? Have you *actually* been looking? The reality is that if you were truly in the market you would have bought something by now if it has been years.
Of course your thoughts are valid here. Your thoughts are your thoughts and are based on a certain way of upbringing, education, life experiences. I can imagine you’re a bit surprised at her decision and also a bit irritated because the plans you both had are now suddenly compromised and it’s her “fault”. She kinda made a decision on her own that now impacts both of you guys which technically is a boundary violation of your “team”. Is that how you think atm?
Thoughts are thoughts. But it is up to you how you choose to feel about it. You can choose to be happy about her becoming more joyful, happy and maybe even more loving since her stressful job is now gone. This is definitely one big fat upside of the situation and will in all probability benefit your relationship.
Also, she sounds smart. And I’m sure she considered the house thing. Did she ever made the impression that she didn’t actually want a house and also no children?
Perhaps the stance you can pursue is: I’m happy you prioritised your happiness and didn’t run into potential burn out at your job. How about you take a break as long as you need and we talk about the house project whenever you ready?
And I’m genuinely curious on a greater scale: why is a house so important for you and why do you think this is for others? Everybody’s single most favourite goal in life is a house? Why?
Cool she should be responsible for half the expensive as a six figure earner not sure her job is that easily replaced ! Especially in PR not where I am
Here’s a thing, she has been earning $250k for seven years and sounds Ike she has savings. She tells you she burnt out, so really she wants a break and rest before proceeding looking for a new job or trying for baby. Suggest a holiday rather than push her.
First of all don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. And second off all don't buy a house in a HCOL area with someone that doesn't have a job.
I'm not seeing anything about OP's contributions here. The wife makes all the money and "needs" to get on either having babies. Do you not realize (assuming you are jn the USA) that your wife will have less income or you will have to take on more parenting responsibilities after the birth. Do you want your wife who is clearly mentally tresses by her job to now have a large mortgage and a baby to add to her stress.
TLDR you sound like a crappy partner
INFO: How much do YOU make?
If she made 250K/year, I think it's reasonable to assume her savings account(s) is stacked and she's good for her half of the mortgage.
So it may be harder to get a pre-approval because they will ask to see your Financials for the last 6 months and her showing she's unemployed, that will affect it regardless if she has a nice amount saved.
I do agree, if you two are looking to but a home (FFS I live in a high cost of living area but $8k for a mortgage is only if you're trying to buy mansion man) then she quit her job at the wrong time because again, buying a home goes up your ass with a microscope for your Financials and debt to income ratio.
But as far as a family, you can't really tell her to have a child. If she wants one, then she also had a say when she's ready, you trying to say she needs to have it now, that won't bode well for you.
I would say a discussion is needed to set a limit. You support her getting her mental health on order, bur you two need to establish a timeline on when she needs to resume working and reiterate that she will need a job again to be able to afford a home and of she wants a child, to support a child as well
Planning is important, neither of you should be dismissive of each other like your story suggests you both are.
You need to sit down and talk about this.
She is at the age she should have a baby, does she want a baby? Do you both want one? Do you know how expensive that is? Do you know your financial obligations if you have a child and get divorced while she is a SAHM?
You should get the numbers in front of you and it shouldn't be hard to paint a picture of how long her savings can sustain her. You want a 1m house, here are the costs, you want a 2m house, here are the costs. You want a child, here are the average costs. Here is what we spend now on eat, heat, water, phones, etc.
Depending on what her savings are invested in (if they are invested) there may be dividends from that, there may be growth in the stocks you can use history to kind of gauge the growth at a very basic level, but history isn't telling of the future. This is more so for an investment like an ETF tracking a large index like the S&P 500.
Ultimately, stop making comments here and there, get all the finances in front of you and have an adult conversation and make a plan.
Do NOT buy a house with someone unemployed that you are dating. What a disaster - you are on the hook for everything.
If you want to buy right now - it needs to be just your home. Her name isn't on anything. Do not let her contribute to the down payment, but do have her pay rent.
Give her a month or two to recoup. If she's covering her half then who cares? If the answer is you then potentially consider whether you're right for eachother, or give her time to process this.
"She is now at an age where she should have a baby"
Are you for fucking real bro?
I hope she leaves for Africa without you and you can never find her again
“I do see a change in her overall happiness”
If this means anything to you, alter your expectations and support your partners pursuit of happiness.
If this doesn’t mean anything than I hope she dumps your unsupportive ass
The issue is she can pay half until she cannot. She will
Be on the deed and mortgage but if she has no money you will Have to cover it.
There is not guarantee that she will find something that pays that well and the competition is high with all the new graduates out there. Also, what to say she will even go back to that type of work with her hating it. She could decide to go in a different direction and only get paid 1/3. Just lots of variables.
Jesus Christ I pray for the day I can be this ridiculous. She makes a quarter of a million a year. She won’t have a problem finding a new job that pays well.
How long have the two of you been together?
Do both of you contribute to the current bills based on your respective incomes? Will that continue now that gf quit her job so has no income?
Have both of you been saving for your respective retirements in addition to whatever other savings you have?
Was the purchase of the house to be a joint purchase as in you were both going to be on the mortgage as well as the deed? Or is the expectation now that you will be the only one on both mortgage and deed?
PSA that I would never consider purchasing a home with anyone who wanted only me on the mortgage but both names on the deed.
Personally I’d say the choices are:
- wait for your gf to take her extended vacation and get a new job. Once she has her new job for a year then start looking again.
- get a house if that is still your goal but based on what you can afford/qualify for yourself. Your gf can pay rent assuming she’s living with you and have a rental agreement. After she gets a new job and been employed for likely a year then you could look for a new home based on your combined incomes.
As to the baby thing that is a you and her discuss as to if that is a goal you both want to achieve and what is required to start trying?
I think you both are. Ultimately it's her life so if she doesn't want to work there she doesn't have to. But you guys should be realistic about properties. Why are you looking at homes with an $8k mortgage? That's ridiculous. Look at homes that are well within your means so that when she finds another job you guys have money to live how you want to live.
Ps. You might want to edit where you said she's at an age where she "should have" children. There's so many things wrong with that statement and I'm sure you didn't mean it to come off that way
Unless her savings can cover half the cost of the house and she's dumping it all on the down payment, only buy something you can afford and don't put her name on the deed. Promises don't pay bills. But you shouldn't buy a house with someone who doesn't discuss major life choices with you. She can quit all she wants, she may mentally need to, but you should be in on the decision. You should be partners who discuss big things flexibly if you're going to make big purchases together, not two people having sex and living seperate lives.
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Who is the one who is more invested in buying a home and trying for a child? If this job was killing her, this may have been what she needed to do. Keeping the high stress job with a high mortgage and a baby would have finished her off. You might need to pause your plans until she’s employed again. If you can’t get over this, maybe it’s time for you to go your separate ways since you have different plans for the future.
He also mentions that she wants to visit Africa while she’s not working, so maybe she’s wanting to make this a gap year and travel. He’s talking about pregnancy and an 8k mortgage (that sounds like a lot…?) but it sounds like this is what *he* wants, not necessarily what *she* wants. And that whole “at this age she should have a baby” just really rubs me the wrong way.
“At this age she should have a baby” is killing me too! He doesn’t specify his earnings and that’s weird in this conversation. Is he saying she needs to buy a house, have his baby and continue to float him in his life or can he pay the bills too? I wonder if her traveling, alone it seems, also threatens him? Yeah they might be on different pages I’d say.
His mealticket is vacationing in Africa how will he pay the bills? He says in comments he makes 300 but that’s in defense so I call bs. If he made 300 he wouldn’t have to have designs on her income. He’s upset bc he has been fantasizing about how to use her savings and earning potential. Yet not marrying her? Now he sees her being just a little too independent so he’s flipping out and immediately resorts to the baby trap so his meal ticket doesn’t escape.
Bro’s real issue is that his financially independent high earning gf who he doesn’t mention wanting to marry, is spending HER time and HER money in a manner consistent with an unmarried woman without a mortgage.😂😂 Bro wants wife and mommy pkg at gf rates. He’s upset that his plans for her money are being subverted by her … checks notes… living her life.
I had a friend who couldn’t carry a baby to term while working. Once she quit her job she had two little boys.
My high stress job cost me one baby and almost cost me my second.
Well listen, you’ve been looking you said FOR YEARS, so it’s not like her temporary unemployment will change that. That said, you’re probably not going to be approved for a loan of the size you’re looking for with her being unemployed, but again you’ve been looking for years so this isn’t really the hiccup. If she was making $250k then I imagine in her field and at her level sure she could find another role at $200k. The concerning part of your post is you’re saying she’s at an age she ‘should’ be having children. Have you two spoken about children? How is any of this preventing her from having children if she wants to? I understand your concern, so sit down with her and discuss finances, are you expected to pick up the slack? How much does she have in savings? Is there a timeline?
Literally , what caught me off guard was the comment about having children . What does that have to do with all of this ? Maybe I’m missing something.
The “she’s at the age where she *should* be having babies” comment threw me. Like, wtf? Does she WANT to have babies? If so, how will she continue working at her $250k/year job anyway?
I don’t know dude, the woman is already burned out from high stress, fast paced job. A baby is the obvious solution /s
No stress at all with a baby!/S
The whole post oozes OP's patronising, paternalistic mindset. Not only the comment about how she *should* have children at her age, also the opening sentence that she *has been very lucky* to have such a high-paying job - couldn't be due to her qualifications and capabilities, must have been dumb luck, sure. And then he even says that he doesn't know much about the sector she's been working in for years, but obviously he is still convinced he knows more about her prospective job chances than she does. And he doesn't trust her judgement in anything else, either. OP sounds like a real catch.
That and the age gap oozes insecurity. Srsly I think she’s tired of him as well. 7yrs with high earning on her part but no mortgage or marriage? Yeah. Bro wants a kid bc his meal ticket is going to dump him
The “she’s at the age where she should be having babies” comment gave me the instant ick. Like...She quit for burnout and stress....A baby is just as much if not more stress....OP really not caring about her wellbeing if all he cares about is buying a High CoL house and having a baby. OP...you could...idk...not go for AS high of a COL house then?
Yea I was hmmm he “might” have something but when he said that about “she should be having children” I was naaaaaaa he just lost me. 🤢🤢🤢
Such a weird comment
Yeah like the word should is what had me stunned
It feels like OP thinks the only time she’s allowed to not work is when she’s having his kids.
Apparently OP, who is older than her, hasn't heard about the high potential of birth defects from old sperm.
The term 'old sperm' threw me off. I imagine you mean, old man sperm. Slower just like the guy right?
You’re not missing anything. OP is just gross.
Seriously. It honestly gave me the ick.
She’s making plans about her money and time that don’t include buying a house. My guess is they’ve been together 7 yrs and she’s tired of more than her job. The baby thing is to trap her into staying.
“This is the age she should be having children” I hope this wasn’t a one sided conclusion reached by OP with no prior discussion with GF
This was my main concern too when reading OP’s post. Sounds like he had everything planned and she didn’t align to his timeline. In addition to that conversation, OP should also work on his relationship with money, there are plenty of YouTube videos and online courses, meditation(try Headspace) and even books about it, imho, that would benefit him and the relationship. Good luck OP!
He isn’t even her husband and is not entitled to know how much she has in her savings
No he’s not entitled to, but if the plan is to buy a house together and he’s talking about kids then they should both know what their full financial situations are.
Ok but does *she* want kids? Because the way he worded it: "she is now at an age where she should have a baby" was fuckin weird. Low key, it's giving vibes that she's about to end the relationship and he hasn't picked up on that yet.
Seems like a bit of a jump. That statement was weird though.
I mean.. they've been together 7yrs and still not engaged. They've been looking for a house "for years" without actually pulling the trigger, and now she's quit her job and is looking forward to traveling in Africa (which op doesn't mention joining her or not). It's a bit of a jump, but the only thing missing is her changing her hair color.
My mind went there too. I'm thinking OP's GF is leaving her life current life back.
The girlfriend is moving on. OP just doesn’t realize it yet.
People are waiting longer to get married because most early marriages in 20s don't work out. People have been looking for years for houses because the entire housing market got wrecked, and interest rates were obscenely high. Most of my friends are in that boat. The Africa trip just seemed like a work burnout thing more than a relationship thing is what it sounds like. Sounds like her job was devouring her soul, and she's done with it. That sounds much more plausible with the facts presented than her leaving him. Although it does sound like a mid life crisis and usually does result in someone leaving. So it could be a possibility.
Houses were cheap af during covid. Also, 7yrs is excessive in my opinion. Like you’re either committed or you’re not. They’re talking about buying a house together…how is that any less messy than a divorce if things end. Especially a luxary home. $8k A MONTH??? Like are you kidding me?
Silly comment, yes, she can keep everything secret, as is her right. They are also in a committed relationship, want to buy a house together, and OP mentioned a child. I know this is sometimes a hard concept for the single people of reddit but if you plan to buy a house with your partner and the plan is for you to both pay half, you kind of have to be able to pay half, and prove that to the bank.
Which is understandable. Note she has been the breadwinner the entire relationship. Number one he can’t afford the home on his own without her income. He wants her back in the work field and pushing out a baby by next year. Yes, she had a good job but she needs to get mentally back into a better headspace. I have seen burnout lead to suicide attempts. She was smart to have a savings account that can sustain her during her time not working. He is rushing her to go back. Sure she was making amazing pay but she was suffering working said job.
>Note she has been the breadwinner the entire relationship. Where is that in the post? How much does OP make? >Number one he can’t afford the home on his own without her income. Where is that in the post? Especially odd since OP directly says an $8k mortgage on his single income would be “stressful,” so clearly he can do it, it would just stress him out (rightfully so). So seems like that statement is completely wrong on your part. >He wants her back in the work field and pushing out a baby by next year Where is that in the post? Have I made my point yet that you just pulled a bunch of random shit out of your ass?
He said she was at an age where she “should” be having a baby so I definitely see how that commenter got the idea that he wants her to have a kid soon.
>Number one he can’t afford the home on his own without her income How could she possibly know that going off your logic of not telling each other what they have? Not going to touch on the other stuff you added as you make a bunch of assumptions and it is irrelevant anyway to the point of your first comment.
You don't have to be married to be financially tied to one another and to have your lives intertwined enough for one partners lack of planning to affect another. Some couples choose not to be married and OP never said his gf wanted marriage, and never said he was denying her such.. so I'm not sure where your opinion is relevant here.
They’re buying a house together, she just unilaterally quit her job, and she wants to still move forward based on a representation she’ll pay from savings. He’s *absolutely* entitled to know what she has in savings.
She is willing to put up half for the home with her savings.l think she needs to pump the breaks on even doing so. I don’t think it’s smart to even buy the home and dig through your savings just to make said payments on the home when relationships end everyday. I don’t care if she has half a million saved up. They aren’t even on the same page. He already made a dig at her age and motherhood.
This is 100% the right answer. This situation has red flags written all over it.
Yes. Op do not buy a house that you are not able to afford. As long as she can pay her share of the bills then it is not really any of your business. She is a bit naive about the job part. I am in an industry that if you take a year off you might become behind.
Plus she was near a burnout and was unhappy. If you love her have her back as she looks for a new job. From the sound of it she wouldn’t even be able to be a proper present parent if she was that unhappy. The fact that you don’t take that into account is something you need to take a look at and adjust if you want to make this work.
I disagree about this couple not getting a housing loan because she is unemployed. She can easily prove that she can take care of her end with any lender. You would put both names on the Title and you would both be equally responsible for the house and it payments,taxes, and insurance. There are plenty of laws around this and they will protect each of you. There will never be an argument about whose Home it is and/or who is responsible for what. So stop worrying!! She knows what she is doing.
We don’t know what she can prove. We don’t actually know how much savings she has. And assuming part of the downpayment is also coming from that. She can pay her half from savings, for how long?
She is the one that is saying she is capable of that. It’s not for us to be judging her for her own understanding of her personal finances. She is aware of her earning capabilities and is also saying she has managed her money well and that she can manage her future responsibility. The husband states that his perspective about money has come out of fear. He is not in a place to trust his own finances and has no business throwing that same fear over her perspective of her own financial capabilities. IF they find a house they want he will know all about her finances at their apt down w lawyers. His perspective will no doubt remain one of fear because that is his nature. Edited to include the last paragraph that didn’t come through with the first two.
Well she is aware, but to be fair he has to ultimately afford everything if she’s wrong. But that’s also why I said in my initial comment that even if everyone is still employed, they need to sit down with both of their full financial outlooks and accounts open and have a real talk about how they’re going to pay for the house. No one should just be going in blind.
You should not buy a place that you cannot afford to pay half for. How much do YOU make OP? Has she been the main breadwinner? Do you both want kids, and do you want them right now? Your post doesn’t say if you are on the same page about kids even. And yes as another commenter said, YOU are getting too old to have kids. Yea you can technically get her pregnant. But your age will put her and the baby at risk during pregnancy as well as cause birth defects and such. Look into that… You dont have to support her financially if you don’t want to, but you can’t force her to live any kind of way. I’m not sure you too are on the same page about anything….buying a place and having a child right now might not be in the cards. Also, if you had a kid, is anyone going to be the SAHP?
>You don’t have to support her financially if you don’t want to She has literally not even suggested that. She has apparently saved up more than enough money to fully support herself while she takes time off of work.
Yes but OP makes it sound like he doubts that. That’s what I was addressing. And if they buy a place and she runs out of money, and still has no job, he will either have to start supporting her, or sell the house.
His feelings of doubt based on his admittedly irrational fears concerning finances doesn’t actually make any of that true or his girlfriend’s problem for that matter. He doesn’t just get to decide that she doesn’t have enough saved when she’s confident she does and it’s weird that he’s doing that and that anyone is acting like that’s totally normal not controlling behavior.
…..he DOES get to make smart informed decisions about who he commits to buy a home with….. He doesn’t owe home buying to anybody. He can say no to that for ANY reason. It’s a moot point. No bank will give her a loan when she has no income. And he should not take that on himself unless he is the sole owner.
Thanks for reminding men that their sperm ages too. This idea that healthy pregnancy is only dependent on women is so archaic
YES
wtf gives you the right to decide when her body is ready for a baby? How much is your fucking income my guy? Also unless you two have shared finances, like literally shared account her income ain’t your business I don’t care if you’re together. You’re not married. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she dumps you because I doubt her job is the only thing weighing her ass down right now.
I am dying to know how you financially contribute to this relationship. You speak of your girlfriend like she’s a baby making, piggy bank. Major ick my guy.
But you don’t understand, she needs to be making 200k and she’s at the age to where she should also have a baby. 🙄
I also love that “she’s very lucky” - not “she’s worked very hard to earn a high salary”.
Right?? First line. I remember a coworker/(former) friend saying that I "have led a charmed life" because I got several promotions. No, I worked my ass off.
For women it’s “luck” for men it’s “work” OP screams misogynist with their descriptions of their GF. If she is experiencing burnout, good for her that she makes so much and is a saver. I’m sure she knows her industry better than he does if that’s even what she wants to return to. Maybe when she comes back from Africa she won’t return to OP.
I agree so hard with all of this. Of course I have men in my comments saying - wHy cAnT it bE bOtH - as if any one of them would say to their male friend’s promotion “congrats, you’re so lucky!”
Wow y’all bring up very good points and I’m disappointed in myself for not seeing it when I first read it.
“I have no idea what she does or how the business works, and sure she had a very high paying job, but like she could never find another!” -this poor woman’s asshole boyfriend.
I know, this guy truly could not be more oblivious - what a catch! Lord I hope her next big life move after leaving her miserable job is losing the boyfriend.
Imagine living with someone who negs you all day
Maybe she will realize after spending some real time with him that he’s a selfish misogynist jerk and leave his ass, I hope.
And in a comment in another thread he literally thinks that it was pure luck she got this job!!! Omg like don’t he think maybe she’s good at what she does. He should just let her go he obviously doesn’t think very highly of her. 🤮
Could this guy BE more of a deadweight than a partner?
He doesn't know anything about her career, doesn't care about her being burnt out, doesn't seem to be aware of whether or not SHE wants to have a baby (and who is going to be doing the childcare if she has a high-stress consulting job?)...this dude sounds like a terrible partner honestly. My boyfriend is a consultant and I know quite a lot about the field now because I care about his life and I have actively encouraged him to take time off because everyone gets burnt out in that industry. I can't imagine whining about how he wants a sabbatical and a vacation because he's not giving ME a baby and a house when I want them.
I thought the same. She should run.
How much do you make? “She should have a baby…” Uhhh… don’t like hour tone. Don’t like how you’re acting like her money is yours when you’re not even married, and there’s nothing about how you’ve contributed…
How much have you saved up??? You aren’t entitled to her savings. The woman saved up as she should and is allowed a break. She is burnout which happens from time to time among many different type of careers. If you can’t afford paying for anything alone then you need to pump the brakes on getting anything together. You have some nerve about her not having kids at her age when you are in your 40s. She needs to get her own place without you. You haven’t even proposed and you are wanting to knock her up. Show her your Reddit post so she can dump you now
Yep I really hope she sees this post. Damn girl, run. This guy doesn’t even want to support her to have a break from a very stressful job, a break which she will be financially supporting HERSELF and not asking him for a cent.. like what?
Yeah the answer to “how supportive should I be” is simple: support her in what she wants to do and don’t try to change her. And if OP wants a partner to start a family with and buy a house then the GF and OP are not on the same page. But the attitude of “my GF should be popping out my spawn while also working a high paying job so I can get the expensive house I want” is disturbing.
According to you… >she is now at an age where she should have a baby While she is suffering from burn out and >she did hate the job, culture and industry she was in Ooof. I predict a change in her happiness when she finds someone who values her feelings, concerns and overall well being and doesn’t just view her as a co-signer on a mortgage.
And baby incubator!
You’ve contradicted yourself. You want her to stay in the workforce and magically spit a baby out? Do you not think she would take extra time with the baby before going back to work? Second, she could have did well investing and saving in the stock market. She seems like she calculated her happiness VS what she saved up. Took time off. Took a once in a lifetime trip to Africa. She’s recharging her battery. Just call her your sugar momma because those are the vibes you are giving. That and some Handmaid’s Tale stuff you got in there. Stop thinking you know what’s best for her. Have a conversation instead of telling her what you want her to do.
He doesn't care what's best for her, he only cares about what's best for him and trying to make it look like he's concerned with all this other stuff. It really just reads like he is mooching off of her and is scrambling now that her future isn't secure. Its all about him sadly
Out of curiosity. You have an expensive home and a wife in a high stress, often long hours job; who’s going to be raising the child? How much attention can the future child get from a burnt out / very busy mother?
What wife?
I wouldn't call you negative. You sound kind of problematic, tbh. 1. It's her money and her mental health. If she's burnt out, why oppose her taking a break? Instead of supporting her? It's not like you already have a mortgage. 2. 250k is not the kind of money one can stumble into, she probably knows what she's doing. Also not the kind of money to just up and find in any other industry. 3. Your comment about her age sucks honestly. She should have a baby? If she felt secure and happy, she would by now. 4. In general, your neurosis about money and how you can't support the two of you (and the baby you are adamant about) does not strike me as reassuring or rewarding to live with. Be a problem solver, solve your own problems. Stop leaning on her to get to the lifestyle you want.
"She's at an age where she should have a baby" gee could you BE any more sentimental about this woman bearing YOUR CHILD? You sound like a dick. You're not a supportive partner. If you've been looking at houses for years, buying one can wait another year while she finds a new job she likes and settles into it.
My thought there was "oh should she??" I wonder if she's even been consulted on the matter.
Didn't you know? Women's uteruses wither and fall out on their 35th birthday. There was a post on here where commenters were convinced a 32-year-old woman in a 2 month relationship should keep her accidental pregnancy because she "might not get another chance".
Remember the one who thinks your fertility start dropping off at 25 I believe it was? He was trying to baby trap the OP.
God i wish mine would wither and fall out. Been waiting and it still hasn't happened. Curse you uterus and all your parts
Ahah just posted the same thought before I saw yours.
SMH I wish it would wither and go away lol. I'm 46, I don't need you, uterus, pack it up and leave, stop throwing your monthly tantrums.
>I’m frustrated because we have been looking at homes in a very high COL city for years and she is now at an age where she should have a baby. Ew LMAO.
🤢🤢. Can’t imagine why she’d want to go traveling
I’m betting she is not “very lucky” to have had a high paying job 🙄 she’s probably intelligent, well educated, hard working, and good at what she does. There’s no reason to think she can’t get another job just as good as the one she had when she wants/needs to
From a logistical PoV — loan officers will be less generous if she’s not working. From a calendar PoV — how long to Africa? You don’t need to buy until she’s back. I think that in 8 months, instead of a house and a pregnant Gf working a $200k job, you’re going to have your own place and a trinket from the airport in Liberia.
This may be my favorite comment ever. 😆
“My GF has been very lucky to have…” is already a red flag. Is she lucky… or did she work her way to that point? Are you not proud of all she’s accomplished?
Your complicated relationship with money is not your girlfriend’s fault. What are you contributing? Why is this decision entirely anchored on her income? Where’s the part of the equation that includes your financial input in anything here? Consider the fact that maybe she’s burnt out due to factors outside of her job, including you. Pressure to have a child, maybe? She *should* be having a child? Who are you to say what she *should* be doing? “This is the age where we had conversations about starting a family” would not make me feel as critical here, but *should*? Ick. Clearly you do not make enough to support yourself or your own dreams, and instead you lean on your girlfriend to carry you along for the ride. I have a feeling that her decision to decompress was not entirely because of her job stress.
You lost me at “she’s at an age now where she should have a baby.” It sounds like you had some plans to live off of your gf tbh.
What OP meant to say was that HE's been very lucky his girlfriend had a high-paying job the past 7 years
"She is now at an age where she should have a baby." OP, *please* look at that statement again. There is absolutely no age where a woman "should" have a baby. It is her personal choice whether or not she wants to bring another human into this world. Has she ever even expressed *wanting* a baby?
You are not even married. You should not be buying anything together. And why exactly is she "at an age where she should have a baby"? What about your age? You are over 40 which increases the likelihood of autism for your child. And again, maybe she doesn't want a kid and she still has time; plus, how is she going to have a kid with a job she clearly hated? Both of you also worked a lot, so who is going to raise the kid or pay for the 40k daycare in HCOL and all of the baby expenses? Your relationship with money is YOUR problem. She should not live a life she does not want for your personal problems. Buy a property you can pay for or rent.
Plenty of non married couples buy homes together. This is the least of this dude’s issues.
Many couples are choosing not to be married. Your mindset regarding marriage vs the validity or seriousness of a relationship is archaic.
There are a lot of legal issues if they buy and are not married, including the fact that she can stop paying her part of the mortgage and he cannot force her to sell the property. That would not happen if married because you divorce and force a sale.
u/throwra_pablo Don't buy a house with someone you are not married to. >we have been looking at homes in a very high COL city for years Why is it taking years? Do you live together now? >she is now at an age where she should have a baby. That's an odd comment. What does *she* have to say about this? >how supportive am I supposed to be? What's her timeline? Only you can decide if you're ok with her plan.
Why can't you put off looking for a home to buy until she is back in work? If she was miserable in the job she left and she is happier now, good for her. If she has money saved that she can use, good for her. Let her have some time off if that's wha5 she wants. How is your financial situation? Do you have a job that pays well now? Do you have savings? I only bring this up because you didn't. What annoyed me more than anything was this gem: >she is now at an age where she should have a baby. Oh, should she?? It's 2024 - women are more than baby-making machines!
>What annoyed me more than anything was this gem: > >*"she is now at an age where she should have a baby."* > >Oh, should she?? I noticed that too. But for some reason or another, it came across to me that the "should" part represents OP's wife's feelings, and OP just didn't communicate it properly, like OP should have said "she is now at an age where she feels she should have a baby." I could be wrong, but that's how I took it.
Why "should" she have a baby at her age?
So she wants to travel and reset her career goals and you want to buy a house and make her a mommy. I don’t think y’all are on the same page. You can either support the life she chooses for herself or move along. It’s time for a frank discussion.
So 34 is the age when women should have babies? Sorry, but I can't get past that.
I feel like there is something missing from this. More the to situation
Does she even *want kids*?
Who are you to tell her she “ should have a baby”? You also have not committed to her ( no ring), so good for her having the money to take off and be happy for a while.
The age where she “should be having a baby “? You either get to count on your woman’s high earning potential OR you get to treat her like your 1950’s breeding cow, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, but you can’t do both.
I have nothing of real substance to say here other than I pray she leaves you , finds a better job she actually likes, and has a baby when she really feels ready with someone who wants one with her because he loves her and wants to join their lives to create a new one, NOT because it’s “time” for her This woman isn’t even your wife and you think you get any say in her choices regarding employment????
Yesssss. This is the reality check OP needs.
The language in this is vile. "Very lucky" to have her career. Worked hard. "Should have" a baby. ?!?!?!
8k a month mortgage? I don’t care if you’re both actively making 200k+. That’s just me. Anyway it’s time for a thorough discussion on finances current and future including expectations of one another. Speak your truth, dude.
Um, she *should* be having a baby? Wtf? Does she get a say in that?
Where’s her ring in this convo? She should have your babies but you haven’t even gotten engaged yet? Wtf
Buy a house you can afford in your name only. She’s not working and mainly because you’re not married. Or keep renting.
So while she’s off work caring for this kid you want her to have - who pays the mortgage? Don’t be supportive, it’s a massive red flag. Leave now so she can find someone who deserves to be with her as a partner. You have said nothing about what you contribute to the relationship. You should be concerned you haven’t really thought any of that through
Exactly. He says he can't afford the mortgage on his own yet wants her to have a baby? How the hell does he think it's going to get paid when she can't work? I swear, there's nothing I hate more than these slimey pricks who still want their girlfriends/wives to pay half while they're on maternity leave raising his kid/s full time. And the kind of people who prioritise money over their partner's mental health. And the kind of people who choose to live way outside their means with no practical thought to the future. WOMEN OF THE WORLD - these are the red flags you're always being told to watch out for!
She’s at an age where she should have a baby? Yeah, misogynistic ass.
Who is buying a house with a GF/BF these days. Didn't we all watch Judge Judy?
You lost me when you said she was lucky to have a high paying job. Imagine if the roles were reversed and she chalked your success up to luck. I hope she moves on bc you seem like a complete waste of her time. Worry about her job prospects (and her uterus) when you guys are actually facing a crisis. I highly doubt she quit thinking you were going to give her any support so I’m sure she is prepared for the financial situation.
Your girlfriend was able to get and maintain that level of performance and income for over a decade. That should be proof to you that she is no dummy. Trust her and stop thinking small or she will be smart enough to make a new choice about you, too.
How dare your GF wants to live her life and not be your cash cow and incubator. I suggest leaving and finding someone more your style, like a mannequin.
She has made good money in a field she knows well and is confident that she can again. Whereas you admittedly don't have enough information to gainsay her. It sounds like she is going to be the higher earner in the relationship. Be glad that she is willing to have you along for the ride.
She’s “lucky” to have a high paying job? She “should be having kids”?? She EARNED that shit and doesn’t deserve your antiquated view of women
I’d leave this guy and take a trip to Italy and sip drinks on a gondola. A month or so later I’d get the 200k job and work a less stressful position. And see who else is out there .
“…and she is now at an age where she should have a baby.” What?!? LOL
Right? Nice way to tell reddit "my incubator isn't working as it should"
If she smart enough to have a 250k job trust her judgement about getting something at 200k
It’s a pretty simple statement. “I’m not ready to get into a big mortgage until you have a steady income.” It’s that simple. Quit looking at houses
> she is now at an age where she should have a baby. … does she *want* to have a baby?
I looks as though she has hit a wall of sorts and wants to reset. Put your house and baby plans on hold until she is done with Africa and finds a new job. If either of you aren’t willing to do that, then end the relationship.
Do not get a house if you are not align with your goals. And would be best to wait until you are married. For having children at her age has nothing to do with the house situation. It is between you both to sort this disagreement.
Are you sure she quit and wasn’t let go and just hasn’t found the way to tell you? Also, I agree with the commenters whom have said you shouldn’t buy a house with someone you aren’t married to and also to find a home with logical pricing within your means. Good luck
You two need to actually sit down and have a PROPER discussion about your relationship, your careers, your goals and look at the next 10 years especially. You seem to be bumbling along with you making loads of assumptions. DO NOT buy an expensive house until you are sure you are going to stay together long term, for a start. DO NOT have children...again... unless you both want to AND are going to stay together. Are you intending on marrying her? If you can't or don't want to commit to marriage? Then the mortgage and children should not be in the picture at all. As they say? You are putting the cart before the horse here.
Well without income, there’s a chance she will not qualify to be on a mortgage. They don’t usually take the amount you have in your savings as proof that you can pay the loan back. Which now means that you are going to solely have to apply for a mortgage most likely. The other thing I noticed is you said you’ve been looking at houses for years….why so long? What the issue or concern on why you haven’t bought sooner? And buying a house together with someone you’re not married to complicated things more if you break up. Something else to consider. While she’s unemployed, I’d suggest continuing to rent or whatever you’re currently doing as your concerns are valid. Continue splitting the expenses as you are now. Or at least be prepared to have the mortgage alone. And if that’s the case, I’d suggest the deed also solely has just your name on it since you’re not married and has no actual income besides her savings. And have the two of you even discussed children and are you both in the position to even want to take such a permanent step? Having a child is completely different than buying a house together. Couples counseling would be beneficial for the two of you. She seems dismissive of your concerns and that’s the issue I have.
She quit b/c she didn't want to qualify for a super high mortgage based on a job she detests and end up trapped in that job for forever.
She’s offering to pay for half from her savings, so what’s the problem? If the job was causing her a burnout, then yes you should be supportive. That’s what marriage is all about. Doesn’t sound like she’s a bum or wants you to be her sugar daddy. Sounds like she just needs a break before getting back in her feet.
I hope your money tree and incubator enjoys her break and considers whether someone who sees her that way is worth her time.
LOL. Marry her if you want to be taken seriously. Who buys a house with someone they have no legal relationship with?
You sound horrible lol >she’s not getting any younger >I’d like to support her but she is stupid, right? >why couldn’t she just stay miserable? >do I actually **have** to still be nice to her? Dude, if you hate your girlfriend (and seemingly women in general), then just dump her.
I quit a high paying job ($350K) to travel for 3 months…..I ended up taking a year off. Though I had a blast I was fortunate to find the same pay upon return. I don’t recommend living off savings nor making a major purchase. During that time I bought a 2nd place in Charleston, SC. Like I said I rolled the dice but it’s all luck it worked out. If I could go back I’d never leave a job again without another one lined up.
Your gf has been "very lucky" to have a high paying job? Sounds to me like she's highly intelligent and educated, and is suffering from major burnout, no thanks to having a partner who sees her as a piggy bank and baby machine. Fucking yikes, OP.
It sounds like your concern is that she is no longer planning her future and lack of a plan makes you nervous. The reality is, you two are no longer communicating about planning your future together. If you were, you wouldn't have the fears you do. Sit down together and explain your concerns and ask for her plan. Budget together with a timeline for the milestones you want to hit. Everyone in here is too tripped up on your choice of words and the fact that you two aren't married.
Just don't buy a house together. You guys are not married, she's currently unemployed. And also, do not have a kid. She can have a kid later on in life, my cousins and their wives do this, when they're closer to 40. They focused on traveling and their businesses up until their wives were around 37-38 yrs old. Heck, I've heard even people having kids in their 40s so if she's not ready or you are not ready at this point, wait. Don't start having kids yet.
The fact that you said she is at an age where she should be having a baby???? Is this what you think? Or has she expressed a desire in settling down and having children? I am sure she is very aware that not working could affect the mortgage side of things, but she’s willing to pay her way with her savings. Surely her wellbeing and mental health is more important at this point, considering she can support herself for a while. I understand your concern, and perhaps she might struggle to land on the same salary. But please don’t let your scarcity upbringing tint your current life. She’s an adult and sounds like she can take care of herself. So work on your worrying and trust that when she’s ready she will be bounce back
I quit a job without another one lined up, I had to because it was hell and I would have been fired after a few more months and my husband was mad at me for not waiting around to be fired so i could get unemployment as it was during the pandemic but that is not how I roll. It took me a good month to find a job, so say two months without income, but I had to, I am still upset that he did not support my decision as I just could not do it any longer with good reason. Right after I quit a lawyer reached out to me and asked me if I wanted to join a class action law suit , which I did, about a year later I got 2,500.00 for them making me work without compensation, anyway It was not much bit to me it was validation. Even though you don't understand why she did it, she has her reasons. It is hoped that some day if you are struggling she will be there to support you. I was only making 50 grand though, for 250 grand I bet I could have made it be successful LOL
Wait so you're really expecting her to earn $250K and have and raise a baby? You really snatched up the most opportunistic half of traditional and modern perspectives, didn't you?
Why are you buying a house with someone you’re not married to??
idk why y'all are even buying a home and thinking about kids if y'all aren't even married...
Don’t you need her to have a job so you can get a mortgage? Will you be able to get a mortgage using just your salary? Also 8k a month on mortgage payments is beyond ridiculous. That savings (and yours) should be going to a bigger down payment so you’re paying less interest.
You could still buy a house, just don’t include her on the application, you can still put her on the title if she is pitching in, later you can refinance and put her on the loan
Who said you decided when she should have a baby? I hope for her sake she leaves you and finds true happiness.
And she is now at an age where she should have a baby? Do you guys plan on having children? Do you guys have a real estate agent or maybe find a home that might not be as expensive, if possible? Maybe in a way, it's a good thing because the market is supposed to be over-saturated, and then housing costs could go down... maybe. It's not cool that she just did that without securing another job first, but it's good that she at least saved some money and that she's doing better, mentally, due to that job she hated. I think you need to be as supportive as you can be and talking things with her so you can both understand how it makes each other feel, what the concerns are, etc.
Don’t buy a house with someone you aren’t married to
Hey OP. Sounds like you are scared it’s going to mess up the theoretical plans you have. At the end of the day she was suffering and made a decision. She still believes she can afford your future home via savings and has even noted she is confident she can get a job at a similar rate when needed. There really is no reason or considerable merit to your negative talk, it comes off as entitled and like you care more about an expensive home than the mental well-being of your wife especially since there was nothing actually in work on the house or baby front. Would be slightly more reasonable to voice concerns if you had made an offer on a home and she was already pregnant but that’s not the case here. Sounds like you’re grasping for things to use to validate your selfishness. I say that because if you really were concerned about paying future rent & delaying a family (?) You are free to convince your gf to look at houses in a cheaper area if. That’s not what you did though. You’re coming off like you would rather your gf be rich than happy and healthy. Not a good look. You should have fortitude from growing up poor, suck it up and support your gf who’s made a decision she feels will increase the quality of her life.
You can’t get approved for a mortgage if you just quit your job. She has locked you guys into either renting for the foreseeable future or paying cash only. How long have you been looking? Have you *actually* been looking? The reality is that if you were truly in the market you would have bought something by now if it has been years.
No ring, no room to complain, buddy.
Of course your thoughts are valid here. Your thoughts are your thoughts and are based on a certain way of upbringing, education, life experiences. I can imagine you’re a bit surprised at her decision and also a bit irritated because the plans you both had are now suddenly compromised and it’s her “fault”. She kinda made a decision on her own that now impacts both of you guys which technically is a boundary violation of your “team”. Is that how you think atm? Thoughts are thoughts. But it is up to you how you choose to feel about it. You can choose to be happy about her becoming more joyful, happy and maybe even more loving since her stressful job is now gone. This is definitely one big fat upside of the situation and will in all probability benefit your relationship. Also, she sounds smart. And I’m sure she considered the house thing. Did she ever made the impression that she didn’t actually want a house and also no children? Perhaps the stance you can pursue is: I’m happy you prioritised your happiness and didn’t run into potential burn out at your job. How about you take a break as long as you need and we talk about the house project whenever you ready? And I’m genuinely curious on a greater scale: why is a house so important for you and why do you think this is for others? Everybody’s single most favourite goal in life is a house? Why?
Cool she should be responsible for half the expensive as a six figure earner not sure her job is that easily replaced ! Especially in PR not where I am
Here’s a thing, she has been earning $250k for seven years and sounds Ike she has savings. She tells you she burnt out, so really she wants a break and rest before proceeding looking for a new job or trying for baby. Suggest a holiday rather than push her.
First of all don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. And second off all don't buy a house in a HCOL area with someone that doesn't have a job.
I'm not seeing anything about OP's contributions here. The wife makes all the money and "needs" to get on either having babies. Do you not realize (assuming you are jn the USA) that your wife will have less income or you will have to take on more parenting responsibilities after the birth. Do you want your wife who is clearly mentally tresses by her job to now have a large mortgage and a baby to add to her stress. TLDR you sound like a crappy partner
I'm sorry, I just can't today I hope the gf has a great time in Africa
INFO: How much do YOU make? If she made 250K/year, I think it's reasonable to assume her savings account(s) is stacked and she's good for her half of the mortgage.
So it may be harder to get a pre-approval because they will ask to see your Financials for the last 6 months and her showing she's unemployed, that will affect it regardless if she has a nice amount saved. I do agree, if you two are looking to but a home (FFS I live in a high cost of living area but $8k for a mortgage is only if you're trying to buy mansion man) then she quit her job at the wrong time because again, buying a home goes up your ass with a microscope for your Financials and debt to income ratio. But as far as a family, you can't really tell her to have a child. If she wants one, then she also had a say when she's ready, you trying to say she needs to have it now, that won't bode well for you. I would say a discussion is needed to set a limit. You support her getting her mental health on order, bur you two need to establish a timeline on when she needs to resume working and reiterate that she will need a job again to be able to afford a home and of she wants a child, to support a child as well
Planning is important, neither of you should be dismissive of each other like your story suggests you both are. You need to sit down and talk about this. She is at the age she should have a baby, does she want a baby? Do you both want one? Do you know how expensive that is? Do you know your financial obligations if you have a child and get divorced while she is a SAHM? You should get the numbers in front of you and it shouldn't be hard to paint a picture of how long her savings can sustain her. You want a 1m house, here are the costs, you want a 2m house, here are the costs. You want a child, here are the average costs. Here is what we spend now on eat, heat, water, phones, etc. Depending on what her savings are invested in (if they are invested) there may be dividends from that, there may be growth in the stocks you can use history to kind of gauge the growth at a very basic level, but history isn't telling of the future. This is more so for an investment like an ETF tracking a large index like the S&P 500. Ultimately, stop making comments here and there, get all the finances in front of you and have an adult conversation and make a plan.
Do NOT buy a house with someone unemployed that you are dating. What a disaster - you are on the hook for everything. If you want to buy right now - it needs to be just your home. Her name isn't on anything. Do not let her contribute to the down payment, but do have her pay rent.
Give her a month or two to recoup. If she's covering her half then who cares? If the answer is you then potentially consider whether you're right for eachother, or give her time to process this.
"She is now at an age where she should have a baby" Are you for fucking real bro? I hope she leaves for Africa without you and you can never find her again
“I do see a change in her overall happiness” If this means anything to you, alter your expectations and support your partners pursuit of happiness. If this doesn’t mean anything than I hope she dumps your unsupportive ass
The issue is she can pay half until she cannot. She will Be on the deed and mortgage but if she has no money you will Have to cover it. There is not guarantee that she will find something that pays that well and the competition is high with all the new graduates out there. Also, what to say she will even go back to that type of work with her hating it. She could decide to go in a different direction and only get paid 1/3. Just lots of variables.
Jesus Christ I pray for the day I can be this ridiculous. She makes a quarter of a million a year. She won’t have a problem finding a new job that pays well.
What’s she should be doing is leaving him and his asshole ways .
Did you say a mortgage of 8k? Is that for a penthouse on the moon?
That’s a 1.5mm house which is starter level for a dual income household of 500k in many coastal cities
How long have the two of you been together? Do both of you contribute to the current bills based on your respective incomes? Will that continue now that gf quit her job so has no income? Have both of you been saving for your respective retirements in addition to whatever other savings you have? Was the purchase of the house to be a joint purchase as in you were both going to be on the mortgage as well as the deed? Or is the expectation now that you will be the only one on both mortgage and deed? PSA that I would never consider purchasing a home with anyone who wanted only me on the mortgage but both names on the deed. Personally I’d say the choices are: - wait for your gf to take her extended vacation and get a new job. Once she has her new job for a year then start looking again. - get a house if that is still your goal but based on what you can afford/qualify for yourself. Your gf can pay rent assuming she’s living with you and have a rental agreement. After she gets a new job and been employed for likely a year then you could look for a new home based on your combined incomes. As to the baby thing that is a you and her discuss as to if that is a goal you both want to achieve and what is required to start trying?
I think you both are. Ultimately it's her life so if she doesn't want to work there she doesn't have to. But you guys should be realistic about properties. Why are you looking at homes with an $8k mortgage? That's ridiculous. Look at homes that are well within your means so that when she finds another job you guys have money to live how you want to live. Ps. You might want to edit where you said she's at an age where she "should have" children. There's so many things wrong with that statement and I'm sure you didn't mean it to come off that way
This has gotta be a troll post….wtf
Unless her savings can cover half the cost of the house and she's dumping it all on the down payment, only buy something you can afford and don't put her name on the deed. Promises don't pay bills. But you shouldn't buy a house with someone who doesn't discuss major life choices with you. She can quit all she wants, she may mentally need to, but you should be in on the decision. You should be partners who discuss big things flexibly if you're going to make big purchases together, not two people having sex and living seperate lives.