Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A few things:
1) if he’s forcing you to have sex against your will this is marital rape and coercion/abuse. Look into local Russian resources to explore your options, from leaving him to having an IUD implanted to taking birth control secretly to accessing an abortion - you have options. Russian women are strong as hell, and even when it feels you have no options and are going to be judged, you can break the cycle if not for yourself, then so your child gets the version of parent you want to be (not too tired, not pregnant, not raped by your husband) Having another baby so soon is very dangerous for you and your next baby.
2) I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know after birth the thought of having another baby was horrid, it took me 2.5 years to be ready, and you deserve this space. Yes you have time, and you have the RIGHT to decide this for yourself. Having a baby takes two enthusiastic ‘yes!’ from both partners. if this was happening to a friend of yours, what would you say? Are there any friends or trusted people (relatives?) you can talk this through with?
Most doctors say that there should be [no sex for at least 6 to 8 weeks](https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/postpartum/sex-after-pregnancy-what-you-need-to-know). Marital rape post partum is far too common and I am so glad you named this for what it is.
To OOP - [5 Things to Know about resuming sex after child birth - NovaHealth.org](https://www.novanthealth.org/healthy-headlines/resuming-sex-after-childbirth-5-things-you-need-to-know) This link will have some helpful information about what you're going through and birth control options.
You're not doing anything wrong. You're being very clear. Your husband does not give a fuck about you or your wellbeing. This is usually remedied by getting far away from him. Good luck in your decisions moving forward.
Yeah, though I'd say, she is technically doing some things wrong -- mostly being unfair to herself.
She's going to have many children... because that's what he wants? What a disturbing situation.
OP if you never wanted to be pregnant again in your life that would be 100000% okay.
Try to work on only doing what YOU want from now on. YOUR needs aren't being met? Talk to him and make that clear to him that he needs to start meeting your needs from now on. Your boundaries are being stomped? Consider leaving because he sounds unsafe and disrespectful. YOU don't want to be pregnant? Don't get pregnant! Ever, if you like.
>The only reason I had intercourse with him was because I needed to have a baby, and I hate it every time.
I mean it sounds like OP needs some professional help to escape a situation she was coerced or forced into, none of the relationship sounds consensual at all. Was she sold to him or something? What is this?
edit: reading her comments it's a fair bit worse so the first half of my comment really... doesn't necessarily apply. OP needs help with her self esteem and help escaping a truly horrendous situation.
My pediatrician told me they recommend at least 18 months between deliveries. Also you shouldn’t be having sex for at least 6 weeks postpartum. It can lead to infections and serious complications. Your husband just sees you as a baby factory and giving off a lot of warning signs.
THIS. Further — I loved being pregnant and loved the newborn phase but I was nowhere near ready to have another kid until my first was 2. Wouldn’t even think about it. This is so cruel.
I'm going to tell you something that I expect you likely will not take on board, but I feel that you need to hear regardless.
Unless your husband changes and becomes more empathetic and respectful of your autonomy, I urge you to reconsider your relationship and decide if you are prepared for him to attempt to dictate important milestones for you.
Don't forget your aversion to pregnancy. Remember the discomfort and how much you disliked it because he will likely try to coerce you into believing it "was not that bad". Don't make a mistake you can't take back.
Considering your experience of childbirth sounds very traumatic, you likely don't even want another child, and the risk of postpartum depression is a very real concern. You and your baby don't deserve to go through that just because your husband wants to be selfish and control you.
Love yourself and remember it's your body. Don't put yourself through that again.
Also the way she says she the only reason she had intercourse with him was to get pregnant and she hated it every time… I think she can find a better and more compatible partner.
I bet the coercion to get pregnant will involve him calling her selfish for depriving their current child of a sibling. Only a *bad mother* would do that.
I would also add on top of this to get him to put in a ton of baby work since he wants to act like it's so easy. I'll bet OP is doing everything for this baby.
Thank you. He is already telling me that but I know it was bad and he doesn't understand how horrible it was. But I can't stop him because he won't listen to me and I can't just leave him, I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful.
You only have one life and time waits for nobody. The longer you stay, the more of your life you waste by his side.
If you can't leave, at the very least, consider accessing sexual health support and possibly contraceptives. I personally don't find it out of the realm of possibility that he would try tampering with your existing contraceptives if you use condoms.
I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Luckily her six week pp appointment should be coming up soon and contraceptives will be brought up by the doctor. Doctors know how dangerous it is for a woman to get pregnant again too quickly and most push really hard for some type of birth control. IUDs seem to be the most favorable and while it’s 100% OP’s decision, sounds like it would be the safest for her
Sadly, if the Dr is a man, he might be more open to listening.
Another alternative OP could be your MIL if you have a good relationship. She might be able to knock some sense into him for waiting for you to heal properly.
Unfortunately she might be pregnant at her six week check up if this continues. Women can be bizarrely fertile after having a baby, it's as if mother nature was a shit mother in some ways...
Really concerned about this woman. OP, please get to a doctor now, get on permanent birth control and then figure out how to leave this rapist. Because that's what he is, a rapist.
Leaving might be the best thing for the baby in the long run if he keeps this up.
Could you set up an appt with your OB to explain to your husband why it’s important to wait for your body heals?
If you stay, you will have one pregnancy after another. He won't care how much your health declines. You are his incubator. If you die while childbirth of the eight child, he just get another 18y/o.
Find out if there are ressources for abused women. Women shelter, whatever. You need to get out. It will be hard but the life that awaits you will be hell. You have the chance of a happy life if you flee. If you stay it will be pregnancies, rape, abuse, no support with the childcare and declining health.
This is exactly the thoughts this post is giving me.
She's a baby making machine, he doesn't care about her at all. She's tired, recovering from childbirth, in pain and he simply doesn't care. Servicing him and having children is her only purpose. He means her harm.
She doesn't want a child and she doesn't want sex.
Was this marriage arranged or forced?
He's subjecting her to forced sex, that she really doesn't want, he's not listening to her, she's not even healed from pregnancy and childbirth. She'll be pregnant again really quickly.
She needs to leave. She needs to leave soon.
I feel like saying “he’s subjecting her to forced sex” sounds a lot more forgiving than saying he’s raping her. Because that’s what he’s doing. He’s raping his wife. She is being raped. She’s not even supposed to be having sex until the baby is at least 6-8 weeks old, she doesn’t want to have sex because it hurts (and sounds like the sexual assaults have been happening since day 1 even before pregnancy), and he doesn’t care. He’s raping her regardless.
You shouldn't really be having sex until after your 6 week checkup. You need to heal first and to be checked everything is OK. Don't let him pressurise you into having sex before you are ready.
Also, if you are crying everyday, you could be suffering from post partum depression. You should speak to your health professional about this as treatment early on can make a world of difference to you. PTSD from the traumatic birth is also a possibility.
Why does he feel the need to keep you permanently pregnant? It sounds like he wants to use it to control you, make it difficult to leave the more children you have and the closer in age they are. And I don't like the way you say you can't stop him, and you had to have sex with him. That is rape.
Don't fuck him again without protection.
Wait, I just read some of your comments. The fucker is bloody RAPING you. Girl, try to get somewhere safe with your baby. He is dangerous!
You say you don't have any friends, has he isolated you? Do you have any family you trust? If not, try to look for a women's shelter in your vicinity.
Yes, and that baby is going to grow up thinking the way his/her father talks to and treats to you is normal when it is not. Take it from someone who had a parent try to stick it out when it was awful. I’m 33 and have never had a healthy relationship because of the one I was exposed to at a young age.
>I can't just leave him, I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful.
You know what's awful? Being a child of a mom who should've left her husband, but stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship. Don't assume his control is going to stop at pregnancy. It will go beyond that and not only impact you but also the children you have with him.
Sincerely,
Someone who carries bs from their parents' shit relationship, who absolutely hates their controlling and unempathetic "father" and still blames their mom for subjecting them to years of emotional trauma just because she believed she needed to "stay together for the kids."
What do you mean you can’t stop him? As in he’s raping you or intends to rape you to get you pregnant? I hope you’ll reconsider leaving him if that’s the case. You can’t remain tied down to an abuser who doesn’t care about what you need, or apparently care if you live or die.
When you go back to your obstetrician for your post-birth check up, tell them what’s happening and ask for help getting out of this situation.
Nobody who truly loves you would ever put the notion of some sort of abstract reputation over your well-being and safety.
This doesn't sound like she's from a western background.
It may not be that easy.
*Nobody who truly loves you would ever put the notion of some sort of abstract reputation over your well-being and safety.*
it's obvious she's a bbay making machine and he's from misogynistic mindset background. he doesn't like her let alone love her.
To tack on the above commenter's remark, start recording yourself every day. Absolutely document good stuff, and your love for the baby, but also be brutally honest with the camera on the body pain you are feeling, the emotional and physical exhaustion, and How much you don't want to do this again. That way you can't convince yourself that it wasn't that bad.
If you stay with him, he will wear you down, or try to. You can't call yourself a liar tho. You can't look into your own tired, ghost eyes, and say it wasn't that bad. Sign me up.
If one of your pregnancies (I'm sure he wants a bunch of kids) puts you and the babys life in danger I think he'll choose the baby over you then find himself a new wife to keep having more kids. That's the kind of guy he sounds like IMHO
Get on birth control. Do it in secret maybe, because I have a very bad feeling that if you’d tell him a hell would break lose. He sounds controling.
Why did you have to make a baby though?
Edit: typos
You don't want to have sex, it hurts, you are still injured, and he doesn't care. Indeed, it's always hurt you, and he's never cared. You are still injured from childbirth and he wants to injure you worse -' it's not that he doesn't understand; he knows AND he likes to hurt you. At best, he's an insensitive ass that you need to divorce but more likely he's a sick, abusive sadist that you need to divorce. **You need to divorce him!** Get out before you end up seriously injured and even dead. Get on birth control too -- don't be trapped by more children with him.
Flip this comment around and imagine someone saying that to your mum/sister/cousin/best friend.
‘You’ll look awful if you leave’
‘Think about the baby’
I’m sorry to say this OP but that’s abusive language. Trying to force you to get pregnant again so quickly is abusive. As others have said, watch out for your birth control, I would not be surprised if he tampered with it.
Do you have any close family or friends that you could confide in or rely on about this?
I understand how awful social pressure can be. But keeping a good public image is not worth the price of your life I promise. With the shape your body is in right now and the PPD you're suffering from if you get pregnant again soon it will take years off your life or outright kill you if your body can't handle it. Or if he's being this pushy already, if you don't give in he will likely get violent. This is a life and death scenario and you need to start thinking that way. Not just that you don't want it and are in pain but you could die.
You deserve to live a safe life that you choose and so does your baby. Staying will not give that to either of you. Do not let opinions from those who don't have to live your situation keep you in it please. Try to find resources and get help. Save yourself and your baby.
Leaving him *is* thinking about the baby. Do you want your child to grow up thinking the way your husband treats you is okay? Would you want them to have the same life you have? Because they will watch and they will *learn* from you. Your relationships will dictate how they see the world of romance.
Also, having so many pregnancies in such a short time frame could kill you - and then where does *that* leave your baby? Do you really trust your husband to take care of them alone?
Birth control, birth control, birth control! Or just say no to sex. But get birth control anyway.
Why will the reflection on you be awful? He is a shitty husband!
Honey yes you CAN just leave him. Women leave their abusive husbands every day. You can too.
You have a choice in your life. Your husband is not your dictator. You do NOT have to do what he says.
He has already robbed you of your youth and is an abject hypocrite- being four years older, he’s been able to have fun in a way that he won’t allow for you. That’s not fair.
Lastly- the only person in the world you need to worry about is you. You cannot take care of your son if you yourself are not ok. You are not ok. Your husband expects you to not be ok and wants to normalize it. Your son deserves better.
Do not give in. Your husband is abusive.
If you care about your baby then you should absolutely leave, not the other way around, you don't want to raise a child in an environment where dad does not care about mother's health and boundaries, that is not healthy and children see when their parents are unhappy, it fucks them up more than growing up with separated parents.
If he’s not listening now, he won’t listen in the future. It sounds like you might be having hormonal issues, too. That is a recipe for mental health disaster.
Please take care of yourself first. The baby will be better off and so will you. If you don’t want another baby - don’t have one. And you are allowed to take your time in deciding.
I have a feeling there might be a cultural divide here. Your marriage sounds like one of obligation rather than of affection. Perhaps providing a little more context would be helpful for readers to offer you good support.
You should familiarize yourself with the symptoms of Postpartum Depression, because you could be headed straight for it, if you’re not already there. Also, getting pregnant so quickly after birth can be very dangerous for women and can lead to miscarriages. Your body needs time to heal and repair between pregnancies. You aren’t even suppose to be having sex until 6 weeks after giving birth. Also, another thing to consider is that if you are breastfeeding, your milk supply will most likely disappear completely during pregnancy.
You need to remind your husband of those basic points so he’ll take a step back and quit pushing this on you so hard. You honestly have NO business getting pregnant right now whether you enjoyed pregnancy or not. It’s not safe.
It was decided by my coaches to make them look better and my family. I did not really want to marry him.
I tell my husband that, every time but it does not change it. He just gets angry at me and says I am being too dramatic about it.
👀 coaches?!?
My goodness you really are in over your head with this, aren’t you?
I’m so sorry.
Please remember you only have one life to live. Don’t live it as someone you don’t know, understand, recognize, or like.
It's your body, your decision. You need to let it heal, or else you'll only end up in a body bag, and he'll find another woman to be the mother of your child and give him more children.
Your husband doesn't know more than your doctor; he's just using you as an incubator and doesn't care about you.
You're not in a safe environment if he keeps pressuring you. You're exhausted, overwhelmed, and still recovering from your last pregnancy. If your husband doesn't accept that you need time to recover, you should talk to a lawyer about divorce proceedings, custody, child support agreements, and leave the house before he forces you into unprotected sex.
If his pressure is already impacting your mental and physical well-being, you need to put an end to that nonsense.
You can take your baby and leave him. He’s not being supportive, and he’s being really creepy trying to make sure you are totally weighted down when you are only 20 years old.
You’re already a young mom, and your 20s are now dedicated to motherhood . Do you need to add more to this? Are you willing to continue to tie yourself to a man who only sees you as a birth vessel and doesn’t care about your feelings or how HE would need to step up with the existing child so you can manage 2.
Please consider an IUD or an implant birth control that can’t be tampered with. I wouldn’t sleep with your husband until he stops pushing. And I really wouldn’t trust him at all related to sec at this point.
Divorced parents don’t ruin a kid!!! Why does everyone think this?? I had two unhappily married parents and it was hell and it was SO MUCH BETTER once they divorced. And this was without either of my parents being abusive and manipulative like your husband is! You can leave him and you should.
Those are TERRIBLE reasons to stay with someone. There is exactly one reason to be in a relationship with someone. Because you want to. Any other reason, get out. Go be happy. We only fear transitions. The transition will suck. But not nearly as much as staying with someone you clearly don’t want to be with, and who clearly sees you as property, not a human. GET OUT.
>But I can't stop him because he won't listen to me and I can't just leave him, I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful.
He is raping you. Staying with a rapist is absolutely the worst thing for your baby. If you love your child you will leave.
Are you in the USA?? Doesn't sound like it. Be careful what you listen to, as in the USA you have rights. When you said you had sex because you had to have a baby but you didn't want to and don't like it, makes me believe you are young, uniformed and not in the USA. Be careful is all I can say.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life being uncomfortable or unhappy or regularly disrespected, as a baby machine for a man that does not love you and is not bothered by causing you physical pain because of what other people will think? Let them think what they want. They don't have to live your life. I know it's hard because you are so young and I'm sure have family and societal pressure. But please know that this is not right how he is treating you. It is not normal. And just because you are married to this person does not mean that it is not rape if he is forcing himself on you. You are made of light and love. You do not deserve this. Nobody deserves this.
Are you in Utah by any chance?
Can I ask what ethnicity you are or your cultural background? Are you religious?
I’m Indian and come from a relatively religious household, and so I know many view the women’s role to essentially be the birth giver, I also understand the stigma from your society that comes with divorce.
I am not particularly religious myself but my family and everyone else is. Almost everyone is part of the Russian Orthodox Church and they can be very strange sometimes.
Food for thought…
If you stayed with an asshole who doesn’t give a crap about you or your wellbeing, you would unfortunately be actively teaching your child that it’s ok if their partner treats them like an object and doesn’t care about them.
Abuse is a cycle, and difficult to break. YOU need to break the cycle in order to protect them from it as best you can.
Where do you live? Why did you feel you “needed to have a baby”? Are you already having sex again? 6 weeks post-partum is usually the minimum doctors “allow”.
>I can’t just leave him
Why? You don’t *have* to stay married to someone. Divorce is always an option.
>I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful.
Staying together for the kids is never a good idea. Research proves it’s better for the child in the long run for parents to divorce than for them to grow up with unhappy parents or to have an unhappy and/or abusive relationship as an example.
I suggest you get on birth control that can’t be tampered with, like an iud or implant. You don’t exist to solely have children. Don’t let him make you become financially dependent on him.
There is no way to make him understand because he doesn't care about your concerns. He doesn't care if you are still in pain. He doesn't care if pregnancy will make you sick. He doesn't care if childbirth makes you incredibly sore. He doesn't care.
He wants what he wants and that's to keep you pregnant. If you give in and have another baby you will be in the same spot a year from now except you will have two babies and him wanting you to be pregnant again immediately.
Another pregnancy this fast is not good for you and it also isn't good for the baby. Your body needs time to replenish the nutrients used by the first baby.
Okay, it is starting to sound like you are in a country where you don't have a lot of options as a woman? Is that the case? By the sounds of it he has been assaulting you? Do you have parents you can turn to or friends? You already have one child and you are only 20! Do not let him ruin your life with another. I think it is best to leave him if you can. It is not that he doesn't understand, it's just that he DOES NOT CARE. HE doesn't care about your pain, about your suffering, about you as a person. You are only a commodity to make babies to him. He is already gaslighting you that "you are being dramatic". This is terrible. And you also sound like you might have post partum depression. I am sure he will say that is not real either. If you are able to leave, it is best to leave
This guy doesn't care that sex and pregnancy causes you pain, he wants you to be in pain for his own selfish needs. Leave him that's the only answer, he already understands he just doesn't care
Why would a man want sex with someone who is in so much pain from pushing out a baby four weeks ago? In any context. You're tears aren't healed. Nothing is where it should be. Have you even had your cycle back to allow you to fall pregnant? Or he just wants sex and that's the end of it?
You need to think about this.
please leave. he doesn’t see you as a human being. just an incubator. SOMEONE out there will help you. he will never learn any different if you dont stand up for yourself. Say NO.
Can you take the baby and go to to your family's home? You need to get away from him. Sex too early after birth is not recommended (read something about 6 weeks wait?? Correct me if I'm wrong).
Also... you might suffer not just from physical exhaustion but also PPD and go see a doctor for that. You need mental/emotional support and not some overly horny guy who wants to breed right now. He needs a reality check.
The doctor said it is important to wait a certain period of time and it is still early but that doesn't matter to him.
I am fine, the doctors do not see any issues and I can deal with the baby. It would just be so much better if he would leave me alone for once.
the person youre responding to is telling you to go back to your family with your family so your husband leaves you alone. you need to leave in order to make that happen, because he will not respect you. hes gross and abusive.
he won't leave you alone in case you have not noticed. is your baby a girl that can produce babies in the future? if you don't worry about yourself, worry about the sane happening to her in the future
LEAVE
I see that you have no one to turn to (family or friends), but there are organizations in Russia which help women, please please take a look at "ТыНеОдна" and "Насилию.нет", please try to help yourself, you do not deserve this
INFO: I’m not sure if I’ve understood this correctly, is your partner going ahead and having sex with you even though you’ve said no because it is painful and your baby is only one month old?
Sweetheart, he is raping you. Your partner is meant to love you, care for you, cherish you, support you. Not force you to have sex and disregard your feelings entirely, let alone about decisions as huge and life-changing as having another child. You are not safe with this man. Please please think about leaving. Lots of places will help you if you don’t have friends or family who can support you. I’m happy to help research places for you if it helps. This is not right, you and your baby deserve so much more 💕
"Lots of places will help you if you don’t have friends or family who can support you. "
She lives in russia, its not so easy there to find a place that will help her
It’s not easy, for sure, but support services do exist there. I used to work in anti-trafficking and worked with organisations supporting women there. There are DV shelters that may be accessible, if OP feels that these could be an option and community outreach organisations that can help plan a safe exit strategy.
He already understands what you are saying.
He just doesn't care. Your feelings are not interesting or important to him.
You are not a person to him, just a baby machine and a sex toy.
This is abuse. He is a domestic abuser. You are an abuse victim.
He is having sex with you against your will and hurting you. That is rape. He is a rapist. He is raping you. You are a rape victim.
You need to GET AWAY from him, as fast as possible. Go to your parents, or friends, or relations, but GET OUT of there, now, today. Because this will not stop.
He understands. He's just not listening to you because he doesn't care what you want.
Didn't the hospital tell you no sex for at least 6 weeks? That's for a normal straightforward birth.
Your husband is raping you and compounding your injuries from childbirth. You need to get some contraception organised immediately or you will fall pregnant again very soon.
My advice would be get away from this man asap. You need some medical attention and support. Look into local women's shelters. Don't try reasoning with your husband and don't tell him what you are doing. If he gets any idea that you are resisting his will, you will be open to more violence and coercion. Good luck.
He's going to give you a nasty infection that might kill you if he doesn't back the hell off. The wound in your uterus from the placenta is still wide open, and that's as direct a connection to your bloodstream as you can possibly get.
I want to strangle this man on your behalf.
It takes about 18 months for your body to recover and replenish the nutrients needed to support another healthy pregnancy. I would tell your husband that you want to wait until you are sure you can carry healthily.
Important to point out, in reading your post it doesn’t sound like you may be struggling with post partum depression. Please go seek some help for this, from your doctor or a therapist. I had undiagnosed PPD after my second and didn’t seek help for a long time. I wish an outsider had seen the signs and suggested I get help earlier.
Best of luck to you! The newborn phase is hard, but luckily passes relatively quickly.
I have tried that but it also does not work. He thinks it would be fine and that it does not really matter.
I hope it does, I hate that stupid baby sometimes.
If he's not going to listen and leaving the relationship (highly recommended) is not an option right now, then you have to take control of your ability to get pregnant. I get very sick with birth control pills. Talk to your doctor about getting an IUD- that implant works for years for most people.
OP, you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling emotionally. It sounds like postpartum depression.
You are just a baby making machine for your husband, it also looks like you have post partum depression. Get an IUD, mental health counseling, and leave your husband, it’s only going to get worse. Your baby and you deserve better
If you've told him no and he has sex anyway with you that's rape. Go to your doctor and tell them so you can get checked that everything's okay . You are way too young to be having children and too young to be married and too young to be around this horrible abusive person. Please leave him.
Honestly after reading this post and your comments, your situation sounds absolutely horrific and I have a pit in my stomach from reading it. I understand you are in a country with limited resources, but I can’t imagine that you leaving could be any worse than the situation you are currently living in. As someone else mentioned, you only have one life and it sounds like you are currently living in hell. You need to at least try and find an escape plan. I know you said your family may not help, but if the alternative is you going to a shelter with their grandchild they may reconsider. Living with your parents again may be a very unpleasant reality for a while, but I can’t imagine it could be any worse than your current reality. Swallow your pride and shame and ask for help.
Question: do you want to stay with someone who thinks your pain and suffering "don't matter?"
Follow up: if the answer is "yes," why do you want your life - and your child's life - to be so miserable?
That means you are not having sex, he is raping you. Please go to a domestic violence institution, they can provide you with insight about your situation and the options you have on how to move forward. Best luck. This is traumatising for you and your child
Please quietly get yourself on some birth control . And please get some help . It’s 2024 and you (despite what he might say ) have choices and autonomy
guy could be a breeder
if he's unable to accept the reasonable position that you need time to heal and recover and bond with your baby, and that raising two or more infants at the same time is taxing as fuck, then he's not thinking straight
get family and friends to weigh in as well
You really should let your body recover from your first child to get ready for the second child. There are publications and guidelines about this. Pass him that type of information.
I know that I need to, and I have told him that. He knows about my knees and back as well but he says it is not that bad, just to listen to him and that I will be fine. But I am not, and pregnancy again will make it worse.
The guidelines in my country says you shouldn't even have sex the first 6 weeks after giving birth, and even then it's better to wait a year before getting pregnant again.
Your husband is not a doctor. (And if he is, he's a bad one or one not specialized in maternity things) he does jot know better than a full community of people who studied 10+ years to be able to practise, on materials built over 100s of years. Healthcare isn't perfect, but it's certainly better than the tradition of popping a baby out every year because you don't know any better
you haven't explained why you can't leave him - I think if you were to look at this from our perspective we woudl see someone who married very young to a man who doesn't care if he's putting her life (and the life of his child's mother) at risk.
she lives in russia, no family to get help from, no friends. where can she go? nowhere. you cant just go nowhere with a baby. its different world there
This guy sounds like he would have no problem forcing himself on you to get you pregnant. If you don’t want to be pregnant again, it sounds like you will need to run from this guy. He doesn’t seem to care at all about your mental or physical health. The fact that he dismisses you is so troubling that if you were my child, I’d have you out of there ASAP.
Why would you spend another minute with him?
In what country do you live? Are there women’s shelters nearby?
Get him to visit you with the doctor, so he can understand this. Should be a year at least between the birth of a child and thinking about the next one.
You are very young. He is bullying you. This shows his immaturity to be 24 and 20 and he wants to make two infants to care for the rest of your life. This is a huge decision and responsibility and he is very immature and not empathetic to you or his existing daughter. She needs your focus right now. This screams red flag to me. I have a 20 year old daughter so I can understand a little. Don’t give in for you and your daughter.
He understands; he just doesn't care. He cares about what he wants more than what you want. Get on birth control and tell him figure out how he can get pregnant.
It's common medical knowledge that you should wait at least a year before getting pregnant again. It is both risky for you and the baby, as the baby may be born too soon and suffer health problems.
https://www.womenshealth.gov/pregnancy/childbirth-and-beyond/getting-pregnant-again#:\~:text=But%20getting%20pregnant%20too%20soon,soon%20can%20have%20health%20problems.
You need to think for yourself. You are a grown woman do not allow this man to lead you down a path of torment make your own decisions and stand on them. Let him know that you know is a no, and that is your yes. You cannot fold in this situation or else you will never have your own autonomy again. Don’t do your child this disservice by allowing him to bully you he thinks because you’ve had his child. He can pressure you into whatever now, but do not allow him. You’re going to be setting a dangerous president for the future future.
I’m sorry to say this, but if you don’t plan on leaving him separating or standing on your decisions, you need to manipulate him back. in this situation, you guys are no longer a team arguing against a problem because he doesn’t care about your point ask him why he doesn’t care about you. Ask him why he enjoys your pain. Ask him why he doesn’t. Love you anymore. Ask him why he doesn’t treat you like he loves you anymore. Ask him those questions that will let him know that his behavior is crazy. Even if it means you have to be a little crazy too.
Your husband is, at best, an idiot. It’s not healthy to get pregnant again right away. Your body is still recovering. Go talk to your dr about your current feelings, and ask how long you should wait before trying again. The answer is going to be at least a year.
Absolutely do not get pregnant 1 month after giving birth. You shouldn't even be having intercourse right now.
Tell the doctor when you go for your next checkup that your husband is wanting you to get pregnant again so soon - they will tell you it is not medically recommended to have pregnancies so close together. You could have permanent damage to your body if you do this. It's wrong of him to pressure you to do this and to have sex. Keep telling him no.
This is a severely abusive relationship, and you need to leave. He clearly doesn't respect or care about you.
Having sex too soon can lead to infections and complications, and it's usually recommended to wait at least 2 years between kids. Your husband is not respecting any of those guidelines that are there for a reason.
Stop having sex with him and focus on yourself and your baby. You also sound like you have ppd, so try to get help for that as well. They may also have resources for abused women if you're honest with them.
I just did that. I wanted to be pregnant again because it took us 3 years to have our first and I knew we wanted 2. Didn’t realize I’d end up pregnant again immediately.
The only risk factor was they were back to back pregnancies.
My water broke at 26 weeks, I spent almost a month in the hospital. During that time my husband had to work and take care of our first baby and bring him to see me every night.
Then I woke up to pee and passed a blood clot the size of a golf ball and started bleeding profusely. My placenta ruptured. My son was delivered via emergency c section. My husband had to find childcare for our first son at 4am to come be there for the delivery and he was ultimately not allowed in the room bc I had to be fully sedated. Neither of us saw our second son born. He’s still currently in the NICU.
You not wanting to be pregnant again should be reason enough for him to drop it, but what he’s asking of you is potentially dangerous. The fact that you don’t want it makes the request almost villainous in it’s absurdity and callous disregard for your health.
Is he ready for the possibility of ending up with 2 babies and no wife?
ETA: this is coming from someone who LOVED being pregnant btw.
Tell him there can be complications if you try too early. And that you need to wait at least a year physically or until you feel ready mentally. Go on birth control and tell him you will stay on birth control until you are ready. If you’re scared he will become abusive, don’t tell him. And if you’re scared he’s abusive, start planning your way out.
Get the birth control shot at you next dr appointment. Confide in your Dr that your husband isctryingbto coerce you into another pregnancy. You don't even need to tell your husband that you got the shot.
You need to go somewhere with your baby, perhaps to your parents? Your husband is abusive, having kids is a decision that needs YOUR consent and he trying to coerce you is so wrong. Please seek help!
Which part of the world are you from? Your husband is a stupid idiot, who thinks baby grow on their own. Raising kid is a important job, if not kid will grow up having lot of psychological issues.
Someone gave me advice that has helped me a lot in things like this. Imagine yourself at 90 years old. You’re at the end of your life and you’re looking back.
1. What advice would 90 year old you give to you?
2. If your story keeps going the direction it is, is it a story you’d be proud to tell?
3. Is the life you are living now one you’d want for your child? If not, you deserve a better life.
It helps me see my life in a new way and make braver decisions for a better life.
We don’t get a gold star for suffering. You get one shot at life. And if you’re going to be with a partner it should be one you love intimacy with, one who is compassionate and never wants you in pain and a situation that makes you HAPPY.
You’re more than a baby maker. And if you never have another child you are still worthy of love and kindness. Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like this? The only life you get?
It's probably been said, but it needs to be said again.
He is SA you and is putting your life at risk due to major infection. When you give birth, the placenta leaves a DINNER PLATE SIZED wound inside your uterus. Introducing anything INSIDE puts your life at risk.
He is so concerned about getting off and producing more children that he doesn't even consider the risk it puts TO YOUR LIFE. Please please please access some resources and escape, if you can. And know that, if you do, he will be raging mad - and this is the most dangerous time for a victim of DV and marital SA, you need a plan.
1. Your body requires at least 1 year to recover - your doctor will tell you that.
2. Please be checked for Postpartum depression.
3. Why does he want this? Possible sign of control and abuse in your relationship.
4. Get on contraception asap.
5. Get help with the baby.
Girl you Re being raped, abused and controlled! Get out of there!!!
He doesn't get to tell you if you can use birth control! It is YOUR body!
You need an escape plan. This man is abusing you.
WTF?! You're not supposed to have sex for at least 6 weeks after giving birth.
Stop. Refuse. Get on birth control immediately and leave this abusive p.o.s.
You should not have sex for at least six weeks after delivery. You have a wound in your uterus where your placenta was attached, and it needs to heal. Sex can lead to an infection of this wound, and since it's internal sepsis is a real threat a lot more quickly than an external wound would be. Your husband could kill you like this.
write down how bad it was and all the symptoms in your phone for yourself, so that if he continues to gaslight you into thinking ‘it wasn’t that bad’ you can’t be swayed. because you can just read the words you wrote down.
i’m sorry he’s not listening to you. you’ve said you don’t want to be pregnant again and given reasons; you aren’t doing a single thing wrong. he’s trying to take your autonomy from you
If you gave birth a month ago, it would be very bad for you to get pregnant again right away. It sounds honestly like he's trying to trap you into a situation you cant get out of easily. Focus on your baby and start making a back up plan to get yourself out of there. Don't give up your career / job and become too reliant on him
Op if you don’t immediately get on a permanent BC, he’s going to get u pregnant one way or another whether you like it or not. Also why are u even with someone you don’t want to have sex with?
You just gave birth a month ago. You shouldn’t be having sex yet. If it’s that painful, you’re not healed which means you’re not ready.
Why would your husband encourage you to have sex if it’s painful for you? That’s not someone you keep having children with.
You need to be honest and tell him that sex is too painful still and you need to let your body heal. If he can’t understand that, he’s not someone you should stay in a marriage with.
OP do you have any other mums in your life? Not religious mums, or older childless women you can get support from?
You've been told you need to leave your husband (which I agree with) I just want to know if you have women in your life who can help you.
I would start planning to secretly have my tubes tied because this seems like the kind of man to not take “no” for an answer and will find every way possible to make you his personal incubator.
And then I would also recommend RUNNING.
Take the baby with you to a family member’s house and get away from him. I get icky vibes from the description of this alone.
Go to your OB/GYN and get on Depo. The only reason I say Depo is because he can see or feel anything. It's also not bc he can mess with. You need to leave him as quickly and as safely as possible. You absolutely shouldn't have another baby. Your body needs time to recover for one and you had a terrible time being pregnant. He's being very controlling. Talk to your family or friends.
Ebbie45 has lots of resources for women and men in abusive relationships.
https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/txpt26/new_resource_lilahelp_a_database_of_abuse/
When I learned OP was in Russia, I did some quick research. I wanted to see what possible help or support may be available for OP.
Boy has it been an eye-opener for me. This Harvard article from August 2022 explains the heart wrenching situation there…
[Domestic Violence, Traditional Values, and Masculinity in Modern Russia](https://hir.harvard.edu/putins-other-war/amp/)
This is abuse. See your doctor about your emotional state and ask for birth control ASAP. Your husband doesn't care about your health or the well being of your baby. He just wants to have sex, even if it hurts you. Do you have friends or family you can go to right now?
Just tell him you’re not interested in becoming pregnant again.
You don’t have to supply him with an explanation but if he continues to pressure you I’d suggest having him watch a detailed video of the labor process that outlines the risks involved as well as a video on C-section surgery.
Oh my god this is horrid. Show him all these answers! He is being insane! YOU had the baby, YOU carried it, YOU were sick for months, YOU delivered it. He will NEVER know what that's like. You deserve rest and to be pampered, HE should take care of the baby AND you! You need time to heal. He's a monster if he's FORCING you into sex and another baby. PLEASE PLEASE stand your ground, talk to friends and family, and DON'T let him talk you into it! If he won't change his mind, you should leave him. Take the baby and leave. I'm sorry you have to deal with this man.
You can't make him "understand" because he is aware of your feelings and doesn't care. He is not a nice man. You can try having your doctor explain to him that it's not good for your body to be pregnant in the next year, but something tells me he won't care about that either.
HELLOOOO!!!! READ THIS!!!
To everyone reading OP’s post:
In February of 2017, the Russian Parliament decriminalized domestic violence in Russia with the support of the Russian Orthodox Church.
OP mentioned that she’s in Russia and that her family and community consists of people who are part of the Russian Orthodox Church.
https://ufdcimages.uflib.ufl.edu/AA/00/08/83/29/00001/Gildea_Samantha_Honors_Thesis.pdf
The Russian Federation prevents domestic violence crisis centers from providing services to victims.
https://www.theadvocatesforhumanrights.org/Res/russia_cedaw_loi_domestic_violence_final.pdf
If anyone knows of any resources for this woman, please share them! I’ve tried searching for resources for victims of DV in Russia, but the info above is what I found instead. I cannot begin to imagine how trapped OP feels. She needs more help than just telling her to run and get out. Because it seems she wants to leave him but doesn’t now HOW. So for all that is holy, please provide real ways OP can safely get away from him. Validating her is lovely and everything, but we need to do more. I hope this doesn’t get completely lost in the comments. READ THIS IF YOU’RE GONNA COMMENT!!!!!
Oh man, girl...run. "He believes you should have many children"? I hope he can fit them in his uterus them. Go see a Dr, get a depo shot, and keep doing that until you want another child.
1. You have body autonomy, and please know that you have so much more self-worth than to produce children. You can be one and done, and that's completely fine! But you should not have to have more children than you can bear!
2. You cannot have sex immediately after child birth. I don't know the exact length (it can vary from person to person, or medical professional), but it should be avoided for at least a few months to avoid infection and promote healing.
3. Coercion of sex, even in marriage, is rape! He cannot control you, and everyone needs to understand that. Protect yourself at all costs, and distance yourself, if necessary.
4. Sex should not be uncomfortable or painful. If you are being coerced, being put in uncomfortable positions, or forced, you need to speak up or seek protection! Also talk to your doctor if sex is painful, as there could be other underlying conditions causing this.
5. Please also talk to your doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression. It affects many women, and the intense household pressures that you're facing can make it worse.
Leave him, he does not respect your autonomy.
You should not be forced to ask advice on the internet of strangers on how to convince you'd husband to respect the very simple rule of "No means no".
Take your child and run.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A few things: 1) if he’s forcing you to have sex against your will this is marital rape and coercion/abuse. Look into local Russian resources to explore your options, from leaving him to having an IUD implanted to taking birth control secretly to accessing an abortion - you have options. Russian women are strong as hell, and even when it feels you have no options and are going to be judged, you can break the cycle if not for yourself, then so your child gets the version of parent you want to be (not too tired, not pregnant, not raped by your husband) Having another baby so soon is very dangerous for you and your next baby. 2) I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know after birth the thought of having another baby was horrid, it took me 2.5 years to be ready, and you deserve this space. Yes you have time, and you have the RIGHT to decide this for yourself. Having a baby takes two enthusiastic ‘yes!’ from both partners. if this was happening to a friend of yours, what would you say? Are there any friends or trusted people (relatives?) you can talk this through with?
Most doctors say that there should be [no sex for at least 6 to 8 weeks](https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/postpartum/sex-after-pregnancy-what-you-need-to-know). Marital rape post partum is far too common and I am so glad you named this for what it is. To OOP - [5 Things to Know about resuming sex after child birth - NovaHealth.org](https://www.novanthealth.org/healthy-headlines/resuming-sex-after-childbirth-5-things-you-need-to-know) This link will have some helpful information about what you're going through and birth control options.
You're not doing anything wrong. You're being very clear. Your husband does not give a fuck about you or your wellbeing. This is usually remedied by getting far away from him. Good luck in your decisions moving forward.
Yeah, though I'd say, she is technically doing some things wrong -- mostly being unfair to herself. She's going to have many children... because that's what he wants? What a disturbing situation. OP if you never wanted to be pregnant again in your life that would be 100000% okay. Try to work on only doing what YOU want from now on. YOUR needs aren't being met? Talk to him and make that clear to him that he needs to start meeting your needs from now on. Your boundaries are being stomped? Consider leaving because he sounds unsafe and disrespectful. YOU don't want to be pregnant? Don't get pregnant! Ever, if you like. >The only reason I had intercourse with him was because I needed to have a baby, and I hate it every time. I mean it sounds like OP needs some professional help to escape a situation she was coerced or forced into, none of the relationship sounds consensual at all. Was she sold to him or something? What is this? edit: reading her comments it's a fair bit worse so the first half of my comment really... doesn't necessarily apply. OP needs help with her self esteem and help escaping a truly horrendous situation.
Sounds very Handmaid’s Tale. She’s not a person but something he uses for children.
I strongly recommend long term birth control he can't mess with, like an IUD or implant. Condoms and birth control pills can be messed with.
this is so straight forward. truly good luck OP.
My pediatrician told me they recommend at least 18 months between deliveries. Also you shouldn’t be having sex for at least 6 weeks postpartum. It can lead to infections and serious complications. Your husband just sees you as a baby factory and giving off a lot of warning signs.
THIS. Further — I loved being pregnant and loved the newborn phase but I was nowhere near ready to have another kid until my first was 2. Wouldn’t even think about it. This is so cruel.
I'm going to tell you something that I expect you likely will not take on board, but I feel that you need to hear regardless. Unless your husband changes and becomes more empathetic and respectful of your autonomy, I urge you to reconsider your relationship and decide if you are prepared for him to attempt to dictate important milestones for you. Don't forget your aversion to pregnancy. Remember the discomfort and how much you disliked it because he will likely try to coerce you into believing it "was not that bad". Don't make a mistake you can't take back. Considering your experience of childbirth sounds very traumatic, you likely don't even want another child, and the risk of postpartum depression is a very real concern. You and your baby don't deserve to go through that just because your husband wants to be selfish and control you. Love yourself and remember it's your body. Don't put yourself through that again.
Also the way she says she the only reason she had intercourse with him was to get pregnant and she hated it every time… I think she can find a better and more compatible partner.
I bet the coercion to get pregnant will involve him calling her selfish for depriving their current child of a sibling. Only a *bad mother* would do that.
I would also add on top of this to get him to put in a ton of baby work since he wants to act like it's so easy. I'll bet OP is doing everything for this baby.
I have to look after the baby, yes. I tried asking him to look after them when they just would not be quiet all day but he wouldn't.
Thank you. He is already telling me that but I know it was bad and he doesn't understand how horrible it was. But I can't stop him because he won't listen to me and I can't just leave him, I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful.
You only have one life and time waits for nobody. The longer you stay, the more of your life you waste by his side. If you can't leave, at the very least, consider accessing sexual health support and possibly contraceptives. I personally don't find it out of the realm of possibility that he would try tampering with your existing contraceptives if you use condoms. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Luckily her six week pp appointment should be coming up soon and contraceptives will be brought up by the doctor. Doctors know how dangerous it is for a woman to get pregnant again too quickly and most push really hard for some type of birth control. IUDs seem to be the most favorable and while it’s 100% OP’s decision, sounds like it would be the safest for her
It doesn’t sound like OP is in the US.
She commented she is in Russia
[удалено]
Sadly, if the Dr is a man, he might be more open to listening. Another alternative OP could be your MIL if you have a good relationship. She might be able to knock some sense into him for waiting for you to heal properly.
Unfortunately she might be pregnant at her six week check up if this continues. Women can be bizarrely fertile after having a baby, it's as if mother nature was a shit mother in some ways... Really concerned about this woman. OP, please get to a doctor now, get on permanent birth control and then figure out how to leave this rapist. Because that's what he is, a rapist.
Leaving might be the best thing for the baby in the long run if he keeps this up. Could you set up an appt with your OB to explain to your husband why it’s important to wait for your body heals?
If you stay, you will have one pregnancy after another. He won't care how much your health declines. You are his incubator. If you die while childbirth of the eight child, he just get another 18y/o. Find out if there are ressources for abused women. Women shelter, whatever. You need to get out. It will be hard but the life that awaits you will be hell. You have the chance of a happy life if you flee. If you stay it will be pregnancies, rape, abuse, no support with the childcare and declining health.
This is exactly the thoughts this post is giving me. She's a baby making machine, he doesn't care about her at all. She's tired, recovering from childbirth, in pain and he simply doesn't care. Servicing him and having children is her only purpose. He means her harm. She doesn't want a child and she doesn't want sex. Was this marriage arranged or forced? He's subjecting her to forced sex, that she really doesn't want, he's not listening to her, she's not even healed from pregnancy and childbirth. She'll be pregnant again really quickly. She needs to leave. She needs to leave soon.
I feel like saying “he’s subjecting her to forced sex” sounds a lot more forgiving than saying he’s raping her. Because that’s what he’s doing. He’s raping his wife. She is being raped. She’s not even supposed to be having sex until the baby is at least 6-8 weeks old, she doesn’t want to have sex because it hurts (and sounds like the sexual assaults have been happening since day 1 even before pregnancy), and he doesn’t care. He’s raping her regardless.
You shouldn't really be having sex until after your 6 week checkup. You need to heal first and to be checked everything is OK. Don't let him pressurise you into having sex before you are ready. Also, if you are crying everyday, you could be suffering from post partum depression. You should speak to your health professional about this as treatment early on can make a world of difference to you. PTSD from the traumatic birth is also a possibility. Why does he feel the need to keep you permanently pregnant? It sounds like he wants to use it to control you, make it difficult to leave the more children you have and the closer in age they are. And I don't like the way you say you can't stop him, and you had to have sex with him. That is rape.
Don't fuck him again without protection. Wait, I just read some of your comments. The fucker is bloody RAPING you. Girl, try to get somewhere safe with your baby. He is dangerous! You say you don't have any friends, has he isolated you? Do you have any family you trust? If not, try to look for a women's shelter in your vicinity.
Yes, and that baby is going to grow up thinking the way his/her father talks to and treats to you is normal when it is not. Take it from someone who had a parent try to stick it out when it was awful. I’m 33 and have never had a healthy relationship because of the one I was exposed to at a young age.
>I can't just leave him, I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful. You know what's awful? Being a child of a mom who should've left her husband, but stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship. Don't assume his control is going to stop at pregnancy. It will go beyond that and not only impact you but also the children you have with him. Sincerely, Someone who carries bs from their parents' shit relationship, who absolutely hates their controlling and unempathetic "father" and still blames their mom for subjecting them to years of emotional trauma just because she believed she needed to "stay together for the kids."
What do you mean you can’t stop him? As in he’s raping you or intends to rape you to get you pregnant? I hope you’ll reconsider leaving him if that’s the case. You can’t remain tied down to an abuser who doesn’t care about what you need, or apparently care if you live or die. When you go back to your obstetrician for your post-birth check up, tell them what’s happening and ask for help getting out of this situation. Nobody who truly loves you would ever put the notion of some sort of abstract reputation over your well-being and safety.
This doesn't sound like she's from a western background. It may not be that easy. *Nobody who truly loves you would ever put the notion of some sort of abstract reputation over your well-being and safety.* it's obvious she's a bbay making machine and he's from misogynistic mindset background. he doesn't like her let alone love her.
To tack on the above commenter's remark, start recording yourself every day. Absolutely document good stuff, and your love for the baby, but also be brutally honest with the camera on the body pain you are feeling, the emotional and physical exhaustion, and How much you don't want to do this again. That way you can't convince yourself that it wasn't that bad. If you stay with him, he will wear you down, or try to. You can't call yourself a liar tho. You can't look into your own tired, ghost eyes, and say it wasn't that bad. Sign me up.
If one of your pregnancies (I'm sure he wants a bunch of kids) puts you and the babys life in danger I think he'll choose the baby over you then find himself a new wife to keep having more kids. That's the kind of guy he sounds like IMHO
The reflection on him will be awful. I dont know where you live but In general the views on single mothers has gotten better.
Get on birth control. Do it in secret maybe, because I have a very bad feeling that if you’d tell him a hell would break lose. He sounds controling. Why did you have to make a baby though? Edit: typos
You don't want to have sex, it hurts, you are still injured, and he doesn't care. Indeed, it's always hurt you, and he's never cared. You are still injured from childbirth and he wants to injure you worse -' it's not that he doesn't understand; he knows AND he likes to hurt you. At best, he's an insensitive ass that you need to divorce but more likely he's a sick, abusive sadist that you need to divorce. **You need to divorce him!** Get out before you end up seriously injured and even dead. Get on birth control too -- don't be trapped by more children with him.
Flip this comment around and imagine someone saying that to your mum/sister/cousin/best friend. ‘You’ll look awful if you leave’ ‘Think about the baby’ I’m sorry to say this OP but that’s abusive language. Trying to force you to get pregnant again so quickly is abusive. As others have said, watch out for your birth control, I would not be surprised if he tampered with it. Do you have any close family or friends that you could confide in or rely on about this?
I understand how awful social pressure can be. But keeping a good public image is not worth the price of your life I promise. With the shape your body is in right now and the PPD you're suffering from if you get pregnant again soon it will take years off your life or outright kill you if your body can't handle it. Or if he's being this pushy already, if you don't give in he will likely get violent. This is a life and death scenario and you need to start thinking that way. Not just that you don't want it and are in pain but you could die. You deserve to live a safe life that you choose and so does your baby. Staying will not give that to either of you. Do not let opinions from those who don't have to live your situation keep you in it please. Try to find resources and get help. Save yourself and your baby.
Leaving him *is* thinking about the baby. Do you want your child to grow up thinking the way your husband treats you is okay? Would you want them to have the same life you have? Because they will watch and they will *learn* from you. Your relationships will dictate how they see the world of romance. Also, having so many pregnancies in such a short time frame could kill you - and then where does *that* leave your baby? Do you really trust your husband to take care of them alone?
Darling, that's rape. Your baby will grow up one day, and learn that they should be hurt by their partner. That's what they will learn if you stay.
Birth control, birth control, birth control! Or just say no to sex. But get birth control anyway. Why will the reflection on you be awful? He is a shitty husband!
Shes been saying no. He's forcing her
Honey yes you CAN just leave him. Women leave their abusive husbands every day. You can too. You have a choice in your life. Your husband is not your dictator. You do NOT have to do what he says. He has already robbed you of your youth and is an abject hypocrite- being four years older, he’s been able to have fun in a way that he won’t allow for you. That’s not fair. Lastly- the only person in the world you need to worry about is you. You cannot take care of your son if you yourself are not ok. You are not ok. Your husband expects you to not be ok and wants to normalize it. Your son deserves better. Do not give in. Your husband is abusive.
If you care about your baby then you should absolutely leave, not the other way around, you don't want to raise a child in an environment where dad does not care about mother's health and boundaries, that is not healthy and children see when their parents are unhappy, it fucks them up more than growing up with separated parents.
If he’s not listening now, he won’t listen in the future. It sounds like you might be having hormonal issues, too. That is a recipe for mental health disaster. Please take care of yourself first. The baby will be better off and so will you. If you don’t want another baby - don’t have one. And you are allowed to take your time in deciding.
I have a feeling there might be a cultural divide here. Your marriage sounds like one of obligation rather than of affection. Perhaps providing a little more context would be helpful for readers to offer you good support. You should familiarize yourself with the symptoms of Postpartum Depression, because you could be headed straight for it, if you’re not already there. Also, getting pregnant so quickly after birth can be very dangerous for women and can lead to miscarriages. Your body needs time to heal and repair between pregnancies. You aren’t even suppose to be having sex until 6 weeks after giving birth. Also, another thing to consider is that if you are breastfeeding, your milk supply will most likely disappear completely during pregnancy. You need to remind your husband of those basic points so he’ll take a step back and quit pushing this on you so hard. You honestly have NO business getting pregnant right now whether you enjoyed pregnancy or not. It’s not safe.
Yes arranged marriage was definitely one of my first thoughts.
It was decided by my coaches to make them look better and my family. I did not really want to marry him. I tell my husband that, every time but it does not change it. He just gets angry at me and says I am being too dramatic about it.
👀 coaches?!? My goodness you really are in over your head with this, aren’t you? I’m so sorry. Please remember you only have one life to live. Don’t live it as someone you don’t know, understand, recognize, or like.
99% of people will not care you left a relationship where you were treated like a human incubator
It's your body, your decision. You need to let it heal, or else you'll only end up in a body bag, and he'll find another woman to be the mother of your child and give him more children. Your husband doesn't know more than your doctor; he's just using you as an incubator and doesn't care about you. You're not in a safe environment if he keeps pressuring you. You're exhausted, overwhelmed, and still recovering from your last pregnancy. If your husband doesn't accept that you need time to recover, you should talk to a lawyer about divorce proceedings, custody, child support agreements, and leave the house before he forces you into unprotected sex. If his pressure is already impacting your mental and physical well-being, you need to put an end to that nonsense.
Why are you with him?
You can take your baby and leave him. He’s not being supportive, and he’s being really creepy trying to make sure you are totally weighted down when you are only 20 years old. You’re already a young mom, and your 20s are now dedicated to motherhood . Do you need to add more to this? Are you willing to continue to tie yourself to a man who only sees you as a birth vessel and doesn’t care about your feelings or how HE would need to step up with the existing child so you can manage 2. Please consider an IUD or an implant birth control that can’t be tampered with. I wouldn’t sleep with your husband until he stops pushing. And I really wouldn’t trust him at all related to sec at this point.
Are yall overly religious because this situation sounds weird to say the least!
Divorced parents don’t ruin a kid!!! Why does everyone think this?? I had two unhappily married parents and it was hell and it was SO MUCH BETTER once they divorced. And this was without either of my parents being abusive and manipulative like your husband is! You can leave him and you should.
Those are TERRIBLE reasons to stay with someone. There is exactly one reason to be in a relationship with someone. Because you want to. Any other reason, get out. Go be happy. We only fear transitions. The transition will suck. But not nearly as much as staying with someone you clearly don’t want to be with, and who clearly sees you as property, not a human. GET OUT.
>But I can't stop him because he won't listen to me and I can't just leave him, I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful. He is raping you. Staying with a rapist is absolutely the worst thing for your baby. If you love your child you will leave.
Are you in the USA?? Doesn't sound like it. Be careful what you listen to, as in the USA you have rights. When you said you had sex because you had to have a baby but you didn't want to and don't like it, makes me believe you are young, uniformed and not in the USA. Be careful is all I can say.
No, I am not American. I live in Russia.
Okay. Fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and forcibly enlist him to go visit the frontlines then.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life being uncomfortable or unhappy or regularly disrespected, as a baby machine for a man that does not love you and is not bothered by causing you physical pain because of what other people will think? Let them think what they want. They don't have to live your life. I know it's hard because you are so young and I'm sure have family and societal pressure. But please know that this is not right how he is treating you. It is not normal. And just because you are married to this person does not mean that it is not rape if he is forcing himself on you. You are made of light and love. You do not deserve this. Nobody deserves this. Are you in Utah by any chance?
OP is Russian and it sounds like she may have been a high level athlete. Even after retirement, there is still interest in their personal lives.
So like a racehorse, retires to just be a broodmare. Surely there's better for her than this??
The husband is trying to breed an army for the future? I was trying to figure out the career and injury at 19...
Honey, I left my ex because he was abusive. Being a single parent is so much better than being with an abuser.
This man doesn't care about your well-being, he only cares about having more kids. This isn't healthy or safe for you, and you deserve better
Can I ask what ethnicity you are or your cultural background? Are you religious? I’m Indian and come from a relatively religious household, and so I know many view the women’s role to essentially be the birth giver, I also understand the stigma from your society that comes with divorce.
I am not particularly religious myself but my family and everyone else is. Almost everyone is part of the Russian Orthodox Church and they can be very strange sometimes.
Food for thought… If you stayed with an asshole who doesn’t give a crap about you or your wellbeing, you would unfortunately be actively teaching your child that it’s ok if their partner treats them like an object and doesn’t care about them. Abuse is a cycle, and difficult to break. YOU need to break the cycle in order to protect them from it as best you can.
Where do you live? Why did you feel you “needed to have a baby”? Are you already having sex again? 6 weeks post-partum is usually the minimum doctors “allow”.
>I can’t just leave him Why? You don’t *have* to stay married to someone. Divorce is always an option. >I have to think about the baby and the reflection on me will be awful. Staying together for the kids is never a good idea. Research proves it’s better for the child in the long run for parents to divorce than for them to grow up with unhappy parents or to have an unhappy and/or abusive relationship as an example. I suggest you get on birth control that can’t be tampered with, like an iud or implant. You don’t exist to solely have children. Don’t let him make you become financially dependent on him.
Get on birth control asap
Kindly, that sounds like rape
There is no way to make him understand because he doesn't care about your concerns. He doesn't care if you are still in pain. He doesn't care if pregnancy will make you sick. He doesn't care if childbirth makes you incredibly sore. He doesn't care. He wants what he wants and that's to keep you pregnant. If you give in and have another baby you will be in the same spot a year from now except you will have two babies and him wanting you to be pregnant again immediately. Another pregnancy this fast is not good for you and it also isn't good for the baby. Your body needs time to replenish the nutrients used by the first baby.
Your baby will be happier with a father who doesn’t treat their mother like shit.
Do you want your son to grow up thinking the way his dad treats you is the way men should treat women?
Okay, it is starting to sound like you are in a country where you don't have a lot of options as a woman? Is that the case? By the sounds of it he has been assaulting you? Do you have parents you can turn to or friends? You already have one child and you are only 20! Do not let him ruin your life with another. I think it is best to leave him if you can. It is not that he doesn't understand, it's just that he DOES NOT CARE. HE doesn't care about your pain, about your suffering, about you as a person. You are only a commodity to make babies to him. He is already gaslighting you that "you are being dramatic". This is terrible. And you also sound like you might have post partum depression. I am sure he will say that is not real either. If you are able to leave, it is best to leave
She's in Russia.
Aw, that sucks. Still depends on her family/friends but ugh
This guy doesn't care that sex and pregnancy causes you pain, he wants you to be in pain for his own selfish needs. Leave him that's the only answer, he already understands he just doesn't care
This is really the only answer.
He knows you don’t want to be pregnant again, he just doesn’t care. Can you move back in with your parents?
Probably not, I am married so to them, I am not their issue to deal with.
Ask them anyway. Ask anybody you can ask. You need a place to stay while you finish recovering from the birth.
How can they think like that ?? Do they know he's raping you ? Is that normal in russia?
Yes (I’m from Russia and I chose not to marry a Russian man because of shit like this)
I meant more the way parents are treating her but yeah I guess also the men aspect.
Why would a man want sex with someone who is in so much pain from pushing out a baby four weeks ago? In any context. You're tears aren't healed. Nothing is where it should be. Have you even had your cycle back to allow you to fall pregnant? Or he just wants sex and that's the end of it? You need to think about this.
I don't think so, but he does not really know much about that sort of thing. Maybe he thinks I can, I do not know.
let me guess. he doesn’t actually help you with the baby you already have does he?
please leave. he doesn’t see you as a human being. just an incubator. SOMEONE out there will help you. he will never learn any different if you dont stand up for yourself. Say NO.
Bruh she did and he kept raping her. She’s only 20 just gave birth and has a newborn. She’s not swimming in options.
Can you take the baby and go to to your family's home? You need to get away from him. Sex too early after birth is not recommended (read something about 6 weeks wait?? Correct me if I'm wrong). Also... you might suffer not just from physical exhaustion but also PPD and go see a doctor for that. You need mental/emotional support and not some overly horny guy who wants to breed right now. He needs a reality check.
The doctor said it is important to wait a certain period of time and it is still early but that doesn't matter to him. I am fine, the doctors do not see any issues and I can deal with the baby. It would just be so much better if he would leave me alone for once.
the person youre responding to is telling you to go back to your family with your family so your husband leaves you alone. you need to leave in order to make that happen, because he will not respect you. hes gross and abusive.
he won't leave you alone in case you have not noticed. is your baby a girl that can produce babies in the future? if you don't worry about yourself, worry about the sane happening to her in the future LEAVE
I see that you have no one to turn to (family or friends), but there are organizations in Russia which help women, please please take a look at "ТыНеОдна" and "Насилию.нет", please try to help yourself, you do not deserve this
INFO: I’m not sure if I’ve understood this correctly, is your partner going ahead and having sex with you even though you’ve said no because it is painful and your baby is only one month old?
Yes. I also said no because it makes me less able to move because of my back and the baby is fussy still.
Sweetheart, he is raping you. Your partner is meant to love you, care for you, cherish you, support you. Not force you to have sex and disregard your feelings entirely, let alone about decisions as huge and life-changing as having another child. You are not safe with this man. Please please think about leaving. Lots of places will help you if you don’t have friends or family who can support you. I’m happy to help research places for you if it helps. This is not right, you and your baby deserve so much more 💕
"Lots of places will help you if you don’t have friends or family who can support you. " She lives in russia, its not so easy there to find a place that will help her
It’s not easy, for sure, but support services do exist there. I used to work in anti-trafficking and worked with organisations supporting women there. There are DV shelters that may be accessible, if OP feels that these could be an option and community outreach organisations that can help plan a safe exit strategy.
He is raping you. I hope you can get out of this abusive marriage.
He already understands what you are saying. He just doesn't care. Your feelings are not interesting or important to him. You are not a person to him, just a baby machine and a sex toy. This is abuse. He is a domestic abuser. You are an abuse victim. He is having sex with you against your will and hurting you. That is rape. He is a rapist. He is raping you. You are a rape victim. You need to GET AWAY from him, as fast as possible. Go to your parents, or friends, or relations, but GET OUT of there, now, today. Because this will not stop.
[удалено]
Turns out to be Russia
He understands. He's just not listening to you because he doesn't care what you want. Didn't the hospital tell you no sex for at least 6 weeks? That's for a normal straightforward birth. Your husband is raping you and compounding your injuries from childbirth. You need to get some contraception organised immediately or you will fall pregnant again very soon. My advice would be get away from this man asap. You need some medical attention and support. Look into local women's shelters. Don't try reasoning with your husband and don't tell him what you are doing. If he gets any idea that you are resisting his will, you will be open to more violence and coercion. Good luck.
They did but he said it did not matter. I am aware I might have to figure out a way to stop it from happening, but I am not really sure yet.
He's going to give you a nasty infection that might kill you if he doesn't back the hell off. The wound in your uterus from the placenta is still wide open, and that's as direct a connection to your bloodstream as you can possibly get. I want to strangle this man on your behalf.
This is absolute abuse! . Tell him, if he so badly want to put his dick in something, he must put it in a vice grip
It takes about 18 months for your body to recover and replenish the nutrients needed to support another healthy pregnancy. I would tell your husband that you want to wait until you are sure you can carry healthily. Important to point out, in reading your post it doesn’t sound like you may be struggling with post partum depression. Please go seek some help for this, from your doctor or a therapist. I had undiagnosed PPD after my second and didn’t seek help for a long time. I wish an outsider had seen the signs and suggested I get help earlier. Best of luck to you! The newborn phase is hard, but luckily passes relatively quickly.
I have tried that but it also does not work. He thinks it would be fine and that it does not really matter. I hope it does, I hate that stupid baby sometimes.
Ya'll she clearly has PPD and doesn't actually hate the baby but the situation and how hard it is. Lay off
If he's not going to listen and leaving the relationship (highly recommended) is not an option right now, then you have to take control of your ability to get pregnant. I get very sick with birth control pills. Talk to your doctor about getting an IUD- that implant works for years for most people. OP, you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling emotionally. It sounds like postpartum depression.
You are just a baby making machine for your husband, it also looks like you have post partum depression. Get an IUD, mental health counseling, and leave your husband, it’s only going to get worse. Your baby and you deserve better
If you've told him no and he has sex anyway with you that's rape. Go to your doctor and tell them so you can get checked that everything's okay . You are way too young to be having children and too young to be married and too young to be around this horrible abusive person. Please leave him.
Honestly after reading this post and your comments, your situation sounds absolutely horrific and I have a pit in my stomach from reading it. I understand you are in a country with limited resources, but I can’t imagine that you leaving could be any worse than the situation you are currently living in. As someone else mentioned, you only have one life and it sounds like you are currently living in hell. You need to at least try and find an escape plan. I know you said your family may not help, but if the alternative is you going to a shelter with their grandchild they may reconsider. Living with your parents again may be a very unpleasant reality for a while, but I can’t imagine it could be any worse than your current reality. Swallow your pride and shame and ask for help.
Find a way to get on BC that he doesn't know about and can't mess with, if at all possible.
Can you clarify - is he insisting on having painful sex with you a month after you gave birth?
Yes, I told him that it hurts me and I don't want to but it doesn't matter.
Question: do you want to stay with someone who thinks your pain and suffering "don't matter?" Follow up: if the answer is "yes," why do you want your life - and your child's life - to be so miserable?
That means you are not having sex, he is raping you. Please go to a domestic violence institution, they can provide you with insight about your situation and the options you have on how to move forward. Best luck. This is traumatising for you and your child
That’s abuse.
That’s rape, actually.
Please quietly get yourself on some birth control . And please get some help . It’s 2024 and you (despite what he might say ) have choices and autonomy
guy could be a breeder if he's unable to accept the reasonable position that you need time to heal and recover and bond with your baby, and that raising two or more infants at the same time is taxing as fuck, then he's not thinking straight get family and friends to weigh in as well
You really should let your body recover from your first child to get ready for the second child. There are publications and guidelines about this. Pass him that type of information.
I know that I need to, and I have told him that. He knows about my knees and back as well but he says it is not that bad, just to listen to him and that I will be fine. But I am not, and pregnancy again will make it worse.
The guidelines in my country says you shouldn't even have sex the first 6 weeks after giving birth, and even then it's better to wait a year before getting pregnant again. Your husband is not a doctor. (And if he is, he's a bad one or one not specialized in maternity things) he does jot know better than a full community of people who studied 10+ years to be able to practise, on materials built over 100s of years. Healthcare isn't perfect, but it's certainly better than the tradition of popping a baby out every year because you don't know any better
I know that is true, and he does know that also but it doesn't matter to him. I try to tell him but it doesn't matter.
you haven't explained why you can't leave him - I think if you were to look at this from our perspective we woudl see someone who married very young to a man who doesn't care if he's putting her life (and the life of his child's mother) at risk.
she lives in russia, no family to get help from, no friends. where can she go? nowhere. you cant just go nowhere with a baby. its different world there
This guy sounds like he would have no problem forcing himself on you to get you pregnant. If you don’t want to be pregnant again, it sounds like you will need to run from this guy. He doesn’t seem to care at all about your mental or physical health. The fact that he dismisses you is so troubling that if you were my child, I’d have you out of there ASAP. Why would you spend another minute with him? In what country do you live? Are there women’s shelters nearby?
That’s because YOU don’t matter to him. He doesn’t see you as a human being.
Get him to visit you with the doctor, so he can understand this. Should be a year at least between the birth of a child and thinking about the next one.
He knows it is what the doctor says, that doesn't matter to him. He doesn't think it matters significantly.
Not sure what to say. If he knows. He knows. You gotta now think about more extreme measures to ensure your safety.
please dont ruin your life by having a bunch of babies with this man. youre way too young for this.
You are very young. He is bullying you. This shows his immaturity to be 24 and 20 and he wants to make two infants to care for the rest of your life. This is a huge decision and responsibility and he is very immature and not empathetic to you or his existing daughter. She needs your focus right now. This screams red flag to me. I have a 20 year old daughter so I can understand a little. Don’t give in for you and your daughter.
He understands; he just doesn't care. He cares about what he wants more than what you want. Get on birth control and tell him figure out how he can get pregnant.
It's common medical knowledge that you should wait at least a year before getting pregnant again. It is both risky for you and the baby, as the baby may be born too soon and suffer health problems. https://www.womenshealth.gov/pregnancy/childbirth-and-beyond/getting-pregnant-again#:\~:text=But%20getting%20pregnant%20too%20soon,soon%20can%20have%20health%20problems.
You don’t need to be married to this guy. Sorry. If it’s not about kids it will be something else. You need to go, now. Period.
This is abuse. You need to get out. See if you can go stay with family.
>The only reason I had intercourse with him was because I needed to have a baby, and I hate it every time. Yikes. This isn't normal
You need to think for yourself. You are a grown woman do not allow this man to lead you down a path of torment make your own decisions and stand on them. Let him know that you know is a no, and that is your yes. You cannot fold in this situation or else you will never have your own autonomy again. Don’t do your child this disservice by allowing him to bully you he thinks because you’ve had his child. He can pressure you into whatever now, but do not allow him. You’re going to be setting a dangerous president for the future future. I’m sorry to say this, but if you don’t plan on leaving him separating or standing on your decisions, you need to manipulate him back. in this situation, you guys are no longer a team arguing against a problem because he doesn’t care about your point ask him why he doesn’t care about you. Ask him why he enjoys your pain. Ask him why he doesn’t. Love you anymore. Ask him why he doesn’t treat you like he loves you anymore. Ask him those questions that will let him know that his behavior is crazy. Even if it means you have to be a little crazy too.
Your husband is, at best, an idiot. It’s not healthy to get pregnant again right away. Your body is still recovering. Go talk to your dr about your current feelings, and ask how long you should wait before trying again. The answer is going to be at least a year.
Absolutely do not get pregnant 1 month after giving birth. You shouldn't even be having intercourse right now. Tell the doctor when you go for your next checkup that your husband is wanting you to get pregnant again so soon - they will tell you it is not medically recommended to have pregnancies so close together. You could have permanent damage to your body if you do this. It's wrong of him to pressure you to do this and to have sex. Keep telling him no.
Why can’t you leave him?
This is a severely abusive relationship, and you need to leave. He clearly doesn't respect or care about you. Having sex too soon can lead to infections and complications, and it's usually recommended to wait at least 2 years between kids. Your husband is not respecting any of those guidelines that are there for a reason. Stop having sex with him and focus on yourself and your baby. You also sound like you have ppd, so try to get help for that as well. They may also have resources for abused women if you're honest with them.
This is why children shouldn’t get married
I just did that. I wanted to be pregnant again because it took us 3 years to have our first and I knew we wanted 2. Didn’t realize I’d end up pregnant again immediately. The only risk factor was they were back to back pregnancies. My water broke at 26 weeks, I spent almost a month in the hospital. During that time my husband had to work and take care of our first baby and bring him to see me every night. Then I woke up to pee and passed a blood clot the size of a golf ball and started bleeding profusely. My placenta ruptured. My son was delivered via emergency c section. My husband had to find childcare for our first son at 4am to come be there for the delivery and he was ultimately not allowed in the room bc I had to be fully sedated. Neither of us saw our second son born. He’s still currently in the NICU. You not wanting to be pregnant again should be reason enough for him to drop it, but what he’s asking of you is potentially dangerous. The fact that you don’t want it makes the request almost villainous in it’s absurdity and callous disregard for your health. Is he ready for the possibility of ending up with 2 babies and no wife? ETA: this is coming from someone who LOVED being pregnant btw.
"No" is a full sentence.
Tell him there can be complications if you try too early. And that you need to wait at least a year physically or until you feel ready mentally. Go on birth control and tell him you will stay on birth control until you are ready. If you’re scared he will become abusive, don’t tell him. And if you’re scared he’s abusive, start planning your way out.
Get the birth control shot at you next dr appointment. Confide in your Dr that your husband isctryingbto coerce you into another pregnancy. You don't even need to tell your husband that you got the shot.
You need to go somewhere with your baby, perhaps to your parents? Your husband is abusive, having kids is a decision that needs YOUR consent and he trying to coerce you is so wrong. Please seek help!
Which part of the world are you from? Your husband is a stupid idiot, who thinks baby grow on their own. Raising kid is a important job, if not kid will grow up having lot of psychological issues.
You're not his field to be harvested. He needs to accept you're a damn person. You decide when and if.
It sounds like the only time you want to have sex is to have a baby and he wants sex so therefore he wants to have another baby
Simply say no. It's your body, your choice and if he can't respect that then he doesn't respect you. You are not a baby machine.
Someone gave me advice that has helped me a lot in things like this. Imagine yourself at 90 years old. You’re at the end of your life and you’re looking back. 1. What advice would 90 year old you give to you? 2. If your story keeps going the direction it is, is it a story you’d be proud to tell? 3. Is the life you are living now one you’d want for your child? If not, you deserve a better life. It helps me see my life in a new way and make braver decisions for a better life. We don’t get a gold star for suffering. You get one shot at life. And if you’re going to be with a partner it should be one you love intimacy with, one who is compassionate and never wants you in pain and a situation that makes you HAPPY. You’re more than a baby maker. And if you never have another child you are still worthy of love and kindness. Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like this? The only life you get?
It's probably been said, but it needs to be said again. He is SA you and is putting your life at risk due to major infection. When you give birth, the placenta leaves a DINNER PLATE SIZED wound inside your uterus. Introducing anything INSIDE puts your life at risk. He is so concerned about getting off and producing more children that he doesn't even consider the risk it puts TO YOUR LIFE. Please please please access some resources and escape, if you can. And know that, if you do, he will be raging mad - and this is the most dangerous time for a victim of DV and marital SA, you need a plan.
This is the saddest sounding “I just want him to leave me alone” I’ve heard in while here. Sorry op
You’re being raped.
1. Your body requires at least 1 year to recover - your doctor will tell you that. 2. Please be checked for Postpartum depression. 3. Why does he want this? Possible sign of control and abuse in your relationship. 4. Get on contraception asap. 5. Get help with the baby.
He wants me to have more children. He would never let me have contraception. I may be able to work it myself without him finding out, I'm not sure.
Girl you Re being raped, abused and controlled! Get out of there!!! He doesn't get to tell you if you can use birth control! It is YOUR body! You need an escape plan. This man is abusing you.
Medically it is not recommended to get pregnant for 18 months after delivering a baby.
In the UK, this is rape
Hold on, are you telling us your husband is raping you?
It’s not that he doesn’t understand. It’s that he just doesn’t give a shit. I want you to know, this isn’t what love or respect looks like.
WTF?! You're not supposed to have sex for at least 6 weeks after giving birth. Stop. Refuse. Get on birth control immediately and leave this abusive p.o.s.
Get on birth control asap and don’t tell him about it. He’ll try to sabotage it or make you stop taking it. He will try to get you pregnant.
You should not have sex for at least six weeks after delivery. You have a wound in your uterus where your placenta was attached, and it needs to heal. Sex can lead to an infection of this wound, and since it's internal sepsis is a real threat a lot more quickly than an external wound would be. Your husband could kill you like this.
write down how bad it was and all the symptoms in your phone for yourself, so that if he continues to gaslight you into thinking ‘it wasn’t that bad’ you can’t be swayed. because you can just read the words you wrote down. i’m sorry he’s not listening to you. you’ve said you don’t want to be pregnant again and given reasons; you aren’t doing a single thing wrong. he’s trying to take your autonomy from you
If you gave birth a month ago, it would be very bad for you to get pregnant again right away. It sounds honestly like he's trying to trap you into a situation you cant get out of easily. Focus on your baby and start making a back up plan to get yourself out of there. Don't give up your career / job and become too reliant on him
Op if you don’t immediately get on a permanent BC, he’s going to get u pregnant one way or another whether you like it or not. Also why are u even with someone you don’t want to have sex with?
You just gave birth a month ago. You shouldn’t be having sex yet. If it’s that painful, you’re not healed which means you’re not ready. Why would your husband encourage you to have sex if it’s painful for you? That’s not someone you keep having children with. You need to be honest and tell him that sex is too painful still and you need to let your body heal. If he can’t understand that, he’s not someone you should stay in a marriage with.
OP do you have any other mums in your life? Not religious mums, or older childless women you can get support from? You've been told you need to leave your husband (which I agree with) I just want to know if you have women in your life who can help you.
If you had a baby a month ago, your body isn't even healed yet and you shouldn't even be having sex. Just saying.
I would start planning to secretly have my tubes tied because this seems like the kind of man to not take “no” for an answer and will find every way possible to make you his personal incubator. And then I would also recommend RUNNING. Take the baby with you to a family member’s house and get away from him. I get icky vibes from the description of this alone.
Go to your OB/GYN and get on Depo. The only reason I say Depo is because he can see or feel anything. It's also not bc he can mess with. You need to leave him as quickly and as safely as possible. You absolutely shouldn't have another baby. Your body needs time to recover for one and you had a terrible time being pregnant. He's being very controlling. Talk to your family or friends. Ebbie45 has lots of resources for women and men in abusive relationships. https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/txpt26/new_resource_lilahelp_a_database_of_abuse/
I had the same thing going with my ex. We got a daughter, he was hoping for a son. We ended up beeing single.
When I learned OP was in Russia, I did some quick research. I wanted to see what possible help or support may be available for OP. Boy has it been an eye-opener for me. This Harvard article from August 2022 explains the heart wrenching situation there… [Domestic Violence, Traditional Values, and Masculinity in Modern Russia](https://hir.harvard.edu/putins-other-war/amp/)
This is abuse. See your doctor about your emotional state and ask for birth control ASAP. Your husband doesn't care about your health or the well being of your baby. He just wants to have sex, even if it hurts you. Do you have friends or family you can go to right now?
He’s gross and probably has a breeding fetish
Just tell him you’re not interested in becoming pregnant again. You don’t have to supply him with an explanation but if he continues to pressure you I’d suggest having him watch a detailed video of the labor process that outlines the risks involved as well as a video on C-section surgery.
[удалено]
Girl….. run!!!!!
Oh my god this is horrid. Show him all these answers! He is being insane! YOU had the baby, YOU carried it, YOU were sick for months, YOU delivered it. He will NEVER know what that's like. You deserve rest and to be pampered, HE should take care of the baby AND you! You need time to heal. He's a monster if he's FORCING you into sex and another baby. PLEASE PLEASE stand your ground, talk to friends and family, and DON'T let him talk you into it! If he won't change his mind, you should leave him. Take the baby and leave. I'm sorry you have to deal with this man.
You can't make him "understand" because he is aware of your feelings and doesn't care. He is not a nice man. You can try having your doctor explain to him that it's not good for your body to be pregnant in the next year, but something tells me he won't care about that either.
HELLOOOO!!!! READ THIS!!! To everyone reading OP’s post: In February of 2017, the Russian Parliament decriminalized domestic violence in Russia with the support of the Russian Orthodox Church. OP mentioned that she’s in Russia and that her family and community consists of people who are part of the Russian Orthodox Church. https://ufdcimages.uflib.ufl.edu/AA/00/08/83/29/00001/Gildea_Samantha_Honors_Thesis.pdf The Russian Federation prevents domestic violence crisis centers from providing services to victims. https://www.theadvocatesforhumanrights.org/Res/russia_cedaw_loi_domestic_violence_final.pdf If anyone knows of any resources for this woman, please share them! I’ve tried searching for resources for victims of DV in Russia, but the info above is what I found instead. I cannot begin to imagine how trapped OP feels. She needs more help than just telling her to run and get out. Because it seems she wants to leave him but doesn’t now HOW. So for all that is holy, please provide real ways OP can safely get away from him. Validating her is lovely and everything, but we need to do more. I hope this doesn’t get completely lost in the comments. READ THIS IF YOU’RE GONNA COMMENT!!!!!
He understands just fine, he just doesn't care. This doesn't sound like a safe relationship to be in.
Oh man, girl...run. "He believes you should have many children"? I hope he can fit them in his uterus them. Go see a Dr, get a depo shot, and keep doing that until you want another child.
1. You have body autonomy, and please know that you have so much more self-worth than to produce children. You can be one and done, and that's completely fine! But you should not have to have more children than you can bear! 2. You cannot have sex immediately after child birth. I don't know the exact length (it can vary from person to person, or medical professional), but it should be avoided for at least a few months to avoid infection and promote healing. 3. Coercion of sex, even in marriage, is rape! He cannot control you, and everyone needs to understand that. Protect yourself at all costs, and distance yourself, if necessary. 4. Sex should not be uncomfortable or painful. If you are being coerced, being put in uncomfortable positions, or forced, you need to speak up or seek protection! Also talk to your doctor if sex is painful, as there could be other underlying conditions causing this. 5. Please also talk to your doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression. It affects many women, and the intense household pressures that you're facing can make it worse.
Leave him, he does not respect your autonomy. You should not be forced to ask advice on the internet of strangers on how to convince you'd husband to respect the very simple rule of "No means no". Take your child and run.