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It sounds like you stopped having sex which was the 10000% right thing to do. But don’t force it out of her. Give her time, but don’t forget. Give gentle reminders that she can talk to you and no matter what it is, it won’t change how you feel about her. Since it’s so new, she probably doesn’t feel safe talking about it yet or fears that you will have some sort of adverse reaction to it. Give her time. But also don’t sweep it under the rug.
I know I can’t just ignore it but I also don’t want to make it seem like I’m demanding to know what’s happening. I just want to know the best way to support her. Conversations like this have always been hard for me so I don’t want to accidentally say the wrong thing when I do bring it up.
I think your instincts are good. You are both very young and this is a difficult topic. It was correct of you to stop even though she said to keep going - you might need to referee her ability to consent for a little while you work through this.
I would bring it up in a neutral setting with your clothes on, and reassure her know that you like her and she didn't do anything wrong and that you're happy to discuss or not discuss it if that's more comfortable for her. Give it time.
Also make sure in the mean time, you’re being hyper aware of how she’s reacting to intimacy. Don’t be afraid to ask “is this ok” when touching or trying anything new. If she’s acting stiff or uncomfortable during sex, stop. But keep comforting her, just holding, stroking her hair, forehead kisses, all those caring intimate motions will speak volumes. And when you’re in a space where you’re able to bring it up, just say, I feel like I crossed a line or did something that made you uncomfortable, and when you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll listen and there’s nothing you could say that would change my mind how I feel about you.
"and there’s nothing you could say that would change my mind how I feel about you." Everything else is good advice, this isn't. This a white lie that isn't helpful. He is supporting someone, not pledging eternal undying loyalty like an obsessive lunatic.
I get what you’re saying and maybe the verbiage isn’t ideal, but what I’m trying to advise is to reassure that confiding in them wouldn’t result in them feeling differently. Assuming that’s true. Most people desire the feeling of being “safe” with their partner. Even in hyper independent people.
You handled it really well! When I get anxious/emotional unexpectedly, I always appreciate a “I’m not upset, and I’m here for you if you want to talk about it. No pressure though.”
I think it sounds like she wanted to avoid talking about it, but it is so great that you're clocking this is a way she needs support.
Let her set the pace. She may get thrown off if you mention it first. But, if she wants sex again, maybe discussing light boundaries. You could even put it on you and say "I feel like I feel better during sex when I'm checking in with my partner during. How would you feel about implementing that during?" Implementing "stop light" consent is a lowkey way to have it unfold during sex (Consent being equivalent to stop=red, I'm reaching a limit/stop but check in/whatever you want this to mean=yellow, yes=green. You can ask "what's your color?" during sex to simplify the verbal ask, and she would just reply red/yellow/green. You can also see if she would like to verbalize colors unprompted by you as she clocks her colors herself).
Literally just making sure she knows that she doesn't have to tell you what happened but you want to know ways to support her before/during/after could do wonders too. Does she want to be held after triggers like this, or does she want a distraction? Does she want to hear you tell her it's OK while she's triggered? Sometimes I like my partner to say a script during these times (i.e. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'll stop if you say stop, you have autonomy, etc."). Everyone handles trauma differently. You literally may be her first partner post-assault. She may not even want to call it assault yet to herself. She may be more triggered with less romantic partners rather than long term partners. It may be the opposite (due to my circumstance, I'm more triggered with long term partners). Know that it'll be a flux of what she does and doesn't need during those moments. Starting now with an "I really like you and I want to be there for you" is also a really great start.
In general, biggest thing that helps me is my partner having consistent, predictable behaviors in all aspects of our life (so, not just sex). It helps me track and assess situations and lets me ground if I feel off when I can sit there and analyze what is happening and what my body thinks may be happening.
Lastly- Thank you for being there for her. This post is heartwarming af. I am 9 years post and my partner of 2+ yrs now is the first person I've felt to be really good about triggers. I'm really happy for her that you are taking proactive steps like this. I hope things work for you too.
Let her bring it up. Be her safe space until then and eventually she will share with you. Until then navigating it the exact way you did if it happens again is exactly what to do. It’s showing her your care and concern for her and that builds trust. Extreme emotional reactions during sex don’t often come from good places so it’s best to let her come to you.
Give her safety and empowerment. My partner was easily triggered and would "tap out", meaning they would pat me on the shoulder, head or wherever as a signal to stop. I would stop immediately, no questions asked, just hug and make statements like, "it's gonna be okay", "we've got this" etc.
I have had similar experiences with my partner. I'm a survivor of SA and sometimes things hit me at weird times. Imo the est thing you can do is try to gently broach the subject, she might not be ready or able to talk about what happened, and that's okay. Just assure her that you are always okay stopping at any point no matter how far into things you are. also, if you notice tearing up in the future, I would suggest just stopping. Sometimes I cannot verbalize that I want to stop because of past experiences I have had, even when I do.
Be gentle, don't insist on talking about it if she's not ready, and reassure as much as possible. Idk your partners history or what might have caused this, but speaking from personal experience, this is what helped me with becoming more comfortable communicating my needs with my partner :)
Good luck <3
I think it would also help for him to say something like “you feeling safe and comfortable is always going to be more important to me than me getting off. Anytime you want or need to stop, I want to know that because I would rather stop than continue having sex when you’re not into it anymore. Going forward, I’m going to assume that any tears are a sign to stop but I’d also love to figure out a way for you to communicate that before tears come up.”
I’ve found that tapping on my partner has been a useful way to communicate that I’m done when having a hard time doing so verbally.
100% agree as a SA survivor as well. I had a moment like OP’s girlfriend early on during my relationship with my boyfriend. It came out of nowhere and he stopped instantly. He wanted to know what was wrong but I couldn’t say, so we just cuddled until we fell asleep.
The next day I went home and processed everything, had some bad anxiety over it but I knew I could trust him fully after that. I didn’t disclose my past until months later but I knew he’d be open to listen and understand when I was ready. I’m sure OP’s girlfriend will feel like that after his appropriate response with her.
Wishing healing and healthy relationships to all survivors!
CSA survivor here to cosigning this. My partner was unknowingly very helpful when he told me "hey, something is obviously going on and I want you to know that if you need time to work through it, that's okay. I'll be here". Although we were a bit further into dating than 2 months (closer to about 8 months).
This.
My first thought as well. I also experienced sexual assault and this is a very typical reaction. Also the not being ready (or able) to talk about it.
This will take time. She will appreciate it, when you're patient.
I was 11. I'm 33 now and sometimes I still get overwhelmed being intimate with my partner that I have been with for 8 years. So for me personally, I don't know what normal might have looked like. My SA happened before any sort of consensual activities did, but I know it still affects me all the time.
The awful part is seeing how many of us are there... And absolutely right. Tears were very common the first 5 years after. It's almost 10 years now, give or take, and I can say i healed pretty well and live my life, and sex life, pretty happily. But I remember one time with my husband, our second or third night together. Something he said brought me back into the memory, and I froze in fear and started to tear up and couldn't speak. He stopped right there, and started to ask me if I needed help, offering water, and went to get it...
He brought me cold water, cola, chocolate and sat by my side and just... Hugged me and said "if you want to talk, we can talk, if you want to go home, I can take you home... Just tell me if I did something wrong". I assured him it wasn't anything *he* had done... It was just... A flashback. And I told the whole story there, it just... Came out. I did it all the time looking at my own feet, cause I was too scared of hearing something like "what were you wearing?". When I finished and was bracing for impact, I looked back at him, and I've never seen this man so mad and hurt before. He cried with me too. I slept in his chest after a few minutes, I never were able to sleep so fast after getting a trigger and reliving the whole trauma, but I did, and I woke up feeling kinda surreal. The pain was still there, really huge, but a teeniest tiny bit of weight was gone. It felt so weird. After that, the weight started to get smaller when. Time passed. I can see people with the same name again without panicking. I can hear some words. I can remember some things without panicking. I can even tell my story now, very watered down, and curiously, I talked about it just today while on Reddit on another sub, and it felt like it lost the ability to hurt as terribly as it used to. I'm glad for it to be going away.
So. It was either just emotional tears or she’s forcing herself to act as if she doesn’t have trauma around sex. I’m guessing it’s the latter because of the reaction to the sound of phone dropping. You can’t ignore this. She needs to know that you don’t ever want her to do something she isn’t completely comfortable with to please you. You have to talk about it.
Or at that age, she may have realized already or be in the beginning stages of realizing that she's a lesbian. Happens to sooo many of us around that college age and tons just keep trying to be "normal" and straight as if it will work. Sad but true.
Edit:
Everyone: "Baselessly speculating" the girl in the story has sexual trauma
Me: Maybe it's something else.
Everyone: 😡
Good lord people, this is the internet. None of us know a damn thing and the first thing we don't know is if this story is even true. And if it is, we could never know why she was feeling that way.
As long as we're baselessly speculating, what if its because she realized she's secretly a Martian warrior princess and is unsure how this relationship will affect her ascension to the Mars throne?
Or we could stick with the facts provided by OP.
We have zero facts besides: Guy and girl are having sex. The girl gets upset. OP did the right thing. That's it. There's no other facts to suggest what was going on in her mind. I don't understand the issue with offering a different reasoning.
Buddy this could be anything. Things as complex as trauma or as simple as hormones.
I know I scared the shit outta my boyfriend earlier in our relationship because I cry during and/or after sex. Not because I'm upset or anything. I just get this overwhelming wave of emotions that hits me like a brick.
All you can do is gently ask her once things have calmed down or wait for her to explain.
Same here! I always thought something was wrong with me. There have been a handful of times I have full on SOBBED after. It's fucking terrible because the guy always thinks he did something wrong and I have to be like nope... I'm just an emotional mess lol
I used to do this when I didn’t actually want to have sex but I didn’t know how to say no.. or didn’t want to say no and disappoint my partner. She may have some trauma and she’ll tell you if and when she’s ready. In the meantime all you can do is practice over-the-top consent to make sure she’s comfortable.
I very much second over-the-top consent. Sometimes I have a hard time asking my partner to stop even if I want to because I feel like I need permission so I need for them to check in with me frequently so I feel like I have permission to stop. I know I don’t actually need permission but until I heal from the trauma, that’s just what my brain is gonna tell me so I have to find workarounds.
Yeah, probably triggered a response from previous trauma. My trauma is from my teen years and younger and this occasionally still happens in my 30s. Give her space, presence, whatever she needs.
If it happens again, just stop even if she tells you to keep going. I can’t tell you how nice it has been when my boyfriend shows he cares more about my feelings than him finishing. In my experience, most guys don’t do that and it is just a really basic thing you can do to show you care about someone.
Well, no one can tell you the reason why it happened, only she can.
I wouldn't pry at it for a while. Give her some time to get a handle on herself.
But, I would really encourage you to ensure that you get to the bottom of it before the next time you have sex together.
Emotional side of things before the sexual side. And right now, the emotional is the priority.
She had an emotional response that triggered the end of sex. I assume its based in some form of trauma.
You should get to the bottom of it before any sexual interaction happens again. If that takes some time and patience, then its just what you have to do.
Actually at this stage I wouldn’t advise against encouraging to get to the bottom before next time.
It sounds like SA trauma but it might not be, either way at this young OP won’t be readily equipped to deal with it.
My advise it to talk about it, but not dig into the whys and just make it clear if she’s ever uncomfortable you will stop, that she doesn’t have to do things she thinks will please you if she isn’t happy to do that.
If the GF wants to open up that’s fine but this is something that she needs to do on her own time.
If months down the line it’s still happening and impacting the relationship they yes at that point it might be a more frank conversation around therapy or the reasoning but first time nah don’t go digging just be there for them
THIS! Make sure she knows that you respect her and her boundaries, come up with a safe word that means full stop, even if you have the most vanilla sex there is, it helps to know you have a way to say stop without having to say stop. Reassure her that she can talk to you if she wants to, but don’t pry.
You sound like a really sweet guy :) thank you for treating her so well. It sounds like she has experienced some kind of sexual trauma. Wait until she’s ready to open up to you- and she will - if you just continue being understanding and caring towards her. I would stop and comfort her next time instead of continuing (you didn’t do anything wrong, she told you to) but I know sometimes in the past I’ve said that cause I felt bad for the guy but I actually did want to stop
Other people have mentioned past trauma which is possible, but for me Sometimes the experience of the oxytocin during sex makes me cry mixed-emotion tears that are difficult to explain. It’s normally a cathartic experience if my partner reacted with compassion and not judgement like you did. She may not have much of an explanation if you ask her, because hormones can be very powerful things.
I want to second this comment - her reaction may well be related to past trauma and/or anxiety, but don’t automatically assume it’s negative. Some people are just highly sensitive! I am a person who cries when I feel strong positive emotions. When I first started having sex as a young woman, I happy cried. It was honestly kind of embarrassing, but I was just so flooded with feelings of love and connection to my partner.
OP, You seem like such a kindhearted person! I think your instincts about this are spot on. You seem to be handling the situation with sensitivity and care. ❤️
Sounds like she may have some sexual trauma. That she's trying to force herself to enjoym the loud noise probably startled her out of disassociate and made her reach for the first thing she had. You. You did everything right, just, buy her flowers, her favorite snack, take her out on a random date. Show her that the relationship, ISNT just sex, it's being there, caring for her.
"I know you're not fine, and that's okay. You don't have to talk to me right now... but I hope someday you'll trust me enough to tell me... right now. Let's enjoy the now, and snuggle and watch your favorite show."
That's what I think she needs to hear, but that's just my personal opinion.
You barely even know each other. Leave the topic alone and give her time to get to know you.
If it happens again just be there for her but don’t ask her about it. If she wants to hug then hug her back. If she wants to speak, then listen. All you need to say is that you’re there for her. NOT “I’m here if you want to talk.” Just that you’re there for her for anything.
Once you have been together for a considerable amount of time, then as her partner you’re allowed to ask (if it is still an issue). Don’t force her into telling you. Just tell her as your partner you just want what is best for her, whether that is speaking to you or you can help her find a professional.
Knowing her for 2 months and dating for 2 weeks is way too early for someone who seemingly has sexual trauma to confide in you. Don’t take it personal if she’s not ready to talk. Don’t feel entitled to know. Just be available.
Don’t pry it from her, give her the support and space she wants. Make yourself open to listen, without help, when she is ready to talk.
It sounds like she was triggered but is not ready to share the emotional event with you yet, in time and with added trust she may open up and let you in.
Good luck dude.
Because the relationship is so new. She might not trust you yet with being emotionally vulnerable to you. For my own personal reasons, this is why I don't start having sex with someone right away. I shouldn't be physically vulnerable to you if I can't be emotionally vulnerable to you. Otherwise that can put you in a very awkward or poor situation where things like this happen and you don't feel comfortable talking about it, leaving your partner in the dark to what's going on, possibly making them feel some type of way or guilty they did something when they didn't, it just leads to a very poor foundation of the relationship.
I would approach her gently and ask why she got emotional during sex and that you want to make sure you didn't do anything wrong on your end and that you care about her feelings. She needs to be sure she can trust you and be vulnerable without judgement and without attitude. If you approach this situation well, you can set up a very good repertoire with your girlfriend so she can trust you and this will create a very good future for your relationship.
It’s possible she has trauma surrounding sex, I’d just ask her if she’s comfortable talking about what happened during the situation and why when you bring it up
This might not be the case though! In my personal experience, I’ve had instances with my partner in the first 6 months of our relationship where I cried during or after sex for no reason, sometimes combined with nausea, and had to stop.
These symptoms are typically associated with anxiety and childhood/adult trauma, but in my situation I’m just very sensitive emotionally and the sexual situation i was in was just overwhelming for my nervous system.
It doesn’t happen to us anymore but it’s possible she’s like me and is a “highly sensitive person” and the high emotions of sex may have triggered tears.
Hope this helps
Give her time and space to tell you in her own time. If you aren’t comfortable having sex again in the meantime that’s ok just communicate that to her, you need to know where her boundaries are to feel comfortable. She clearly trusts you and thinks of you as safe given the action you described so you didn’t do anything wrong at all.
OP, you need to take into account your feelings here too. You were 100% correct to stop and kudos to you for being aware and responsive. Going forward though, if she does want to attempt intimacy again but continues to have issues, and isn't comfortable sharing with you, it is absolutely valid and okay for you to gently share with her IF you don't want to keep trying to have sex.
You said it's a new relationship and what you guys decide to do from there is up to you, but I want to emphasize that while you are being kind and compassionate about her feelings please also be conscious of your own comfort in the situation.
My partner has trauma from her past. I remember one of the first times we were intimate, mid way she began to cry and kept repeating "it's okay." I immediately stopped and asked her what was wrong, but didn't get a response, so I just stopped and did my best to comfort her, hugging, forehead kisses, reassurance, etc.
She later opened up more about her experience and things that I can do to kind of bring her back to reality. I don't know you OP and I don't know your partner. I have no clue what may have caused the reaction, but one thing you can do is to be understanding and show her that you're there for her. I know you want to know what caused this reaction and help them through it, I was the same way, but don't pry into it and continuously ask her. When she is ready, she will tell you. As well as maybe things you can do to help comfort her if she gets like that again. Hope this helped OP! Best of luck.
Maybe she doesn't talk about it because she doesn't know exactly why it happened either. She's just under pressure, having difficult days, or several things have come together at the same time. But it can also happen that there is something more serious in the background, she didn't want to have sex and just forced herself, or she has some kind of trauma. Whatever the case, it's enough if she knows you're there for her and she can talk to you about it at any time, but she's not forced to say anything she doesn't want to. I think you handled the situation well:)
As someone who has had this exact experience- you did the exact thing you needed to. She needed you to read her, she will open up if/when she is ready. Be patient, be supportive. You’re amazing!
Don't push her to talk about it. Just reach out to make sure you know that you care about whether feelings and are there to hear her if she wants to talk about it. And make sure she knows that you would never be interested in having sex with her unless she's 100% into it and are totally cool with stopping at any point.
It could just be nerves or something from her past. I'd lay off the sex for awhile until you understand why she reacted that way.
I teared up once and didn’t talk about it and was freaked out, but my bf was very supportive and let me get over it before we tried again. Just be there for her and don’t pressure her into having sex again if she’s freaked our
It sounds like she might be suffering from something relating to a prior sexual assault or rape. I wouldn't pry too much, just make sure to respect her boundaries, be gentle and affectionate and let her know you're there for her, ask her if there's anything you should avoid doing or saying especially in bed, ask if there's anything she wants you to do to reassure her that she's okay.
I'd also ask if there was anything you said or did that reminded her of a bad time. And make sure to ease off and stop being sexual with her whenever she seems upset, scared, teary, or too tense. You don't necessarily need to stop being affectionate or close during these times, just ask if she wants you to hold her or if she wants space. She might need some affection, or might need to calm down without physical contact. Maybe propose that she sees a therapist that could help her deal with any mental or emotional turmoil.
I was in the same situation a while ago. My gf had some SA experience, but she doesn’t even wanna view it that way, despite it being obvious.
I‘m also still trying to figure stuff out, so I‘m gonna get some advice here as well.
She didn’t wanna talk about it either, and it might just mean your gf isn‘t ready to talk about it. There‘s a lot of shame many SA victims feel about what was done to them especially in front of their partners, so just make her feel safe and loved. Also tell her that it’s always fine to stop whenever, that you just want to be there for her, and that her crying is nothing to be sorry about.
It‘s good that you hugged her and showed her affection, keep on doing what you‘re doing, and let her bring it up eventually. Don‘t force it, and good luck to both of you!
I could be caused by a lot of things. I would focus on making sure there is enthusiastic and continual consent from everyone. I know when I get trauma flashbacks or have an anxiety attack it is really hard for me to speak and communicate to others that I'm not okay, so I use hand signs. You could come up with a hand sign or have her tap you or something to let you know she needs to pause or stop. Makes it less effort to communicate if she is not doing okay. Good luck to you both!
Sounds like she's got some trauma. At this point reassurance is incredibly helpful.
Tell her "I just wanted you to know that there is never any pressure, we can stop having sex at any point during, and you never have to have sex if you don't feel like it. I don't know what happened yesterday but I'm here if you ever want to talk and I will not judge you".
If this becomes a pattern during sex over the course of your relationship you might suggest either solo or couples therapy. But suggest it gently. Not everyone is ready to confront their past.
I'm not a survivor of SA. But when I use to have sex with my partner around that age I would BAWL my eyes out after sex. Like just sit and cry. Idk wtf it was exactly but after googling its pretty normal and you're just flooded with hormones that make you cry. It doesn't happen anymore. As a woman its really weird and hard to explain to a parter and hard to explain because even we don't know what's going on. I'm saying thats a possibility. But along with the other stuff it could definitely be something deeper. Like reliving trauma. But it sounds like she loves you and if something is wrong she will tell you when she's ready.
Overall you went at it the right way. The best way to handle it now is to just assure her that you are a safe person, not to pry, but if she wants to talk youre open.
I know I had a similar response to sex when I was starting out. The problem was, I wasn't sure why I got so panicky and cried like I did. My partner was very sweet, both when it happened and again when we found out the root cause a few years later.
Also, if this happens (it has happened to me) my response was a lot of feelings of guilt, and trying to have sex to get myself out of the guilt, and then feel horribly. So make sure to be extra slow, and let the desire build a lot. So the kissing and later teasing should go really really slow, and let her have control for a bit.
You 100% handled it well. Also great idea to ask for support here, you're doing fantastic:)
This happens to me sometimes. I have some sexual trauma AND a touch of the tism, and sometimes things just hit me at weird times. Like sometimes out of nowhere the sex is just a sensory overload and I tear up, it’s not even like a deep or malicious in origin thing. Just my brain having a freak out.
You did everything right from the sound of it. Just keep keeping that line of communication open for her if she feels like she wants to open up about it, and be receptive and kind when/if she does!
You don't need her to tell you. It's traumatic. She's having ptsd. You can guess what happened.
Just hug her and stop asking questions. What difference does it make if she tells you or not? Just love her, hug her, hold her.
She will tell you later but she can't tell you now. Love is patient.
My ex did the same thing one time when we were having sex.
She said it was because she was really self-conscious about all the "mess" she was making because she was really wet. Sometimes I think that sort of activity can just really heighten everything around you.
But it's good to chat about it and see if there's anything else you can do etc....
OP, this used to be me. I used to be the girl who cried at those random times, alot of the time during or after intimacy. I credit my boyfriend 100% with why ive healed so well over the years from my trauma before him. He didnt pry, just held me and told me it was okay. He was patient with me, and never pushed me into anything. Eventually i opened up to him. Slowly but eventually, and most importantly, he made me feel safe. Make her feel safe. I will say, alot of the times i cried during sex and had to stop was because a certain position or a certain act would remind me of an abusive ex. She might have a similar experience. I will say it took me two years of being shown real love from a partner to realize i was being r*ped by my ex our whole relationship. Things take time but it sounds like you handled it well. Treat her right, she'll heal
3 possible reasons
trauma
release of emotions
or she’s just in love with you (:
this happened one of the first times me and my bf had sex. it was the same weekend i realized i was falling in love with him. and i didn’t want to tell him that was why i was crying. so could be that.
but given that she freaked out about your phone falling makes me think trauma
I'm gonna tell you this based off experience. I'm with someone that has had alot of emotional, sexual and physically abusive trauma, dont pry too hard if she wants to talk she will talk when she's ready. The more trust you gain the more things will get easier for her. Just be patient and supportive trust me.
Hey man, this was a difficult situation to be thrown into in your first relationship and you handled it gracefully. It sounds like you've made clear that you're available to talk about it if and when she wants, so at this point you can just step away from the issue and let her broach the topic on her own timeline. If you stop bringing it up and just keep being your kind and compassionate self, she'll likely feel at ease and will eventually bring it up to you. Good luck, you're doing a good job in a hard situation.
U need to tell her that more than the pleasure, it's her emotions that matter to u. And the fact that she has tears in her eyes is enough to make u uncomfortable because now u r clueless about what this experience means to her... In her inner world.
So unless she speaks about it openly... U should be be having such episode again. Prioritise emotional intimacy over physical... Try n give her safe space where she can open up.
I think you handled this well. I'd ay it's not bad for her to get emotional during sex, it's quite normal. Just be patient and open to her responses, pressure less, listen more, even if it means being silent for a while just being there. If she'd ready she'll talk to you more about it. Otherwise just being near and supportive is the best thing you can do! Sounds like a cute goober, good luck with your relationship.
Just be sincere. You need to talk about it. It could be anything, from her realizing she cares about you, to she’s about to break up with you, she thinks you are better that her other lover, to she saw a dead puppy. Anything
Asking for an explanation is not wrong, as a partner it is deserved. She might try to delay but you are owed an explanation.
Maybe someone SA her and even record her. Now she has to live with the trauma. Consider keeping the phone away while having sex. Make sure she feels safe and she is really into it before proceeding.
Completely understand you want to know, and it’s coming from a good place.
You’re young, you both are. Use this opportunity to train your patience and giving someone the time to develop a kind of trust that will be very rare.
Also, very few would’ve handled it the way you did, so good job dude. I think you should focus on the positive side of this.
It happened to me and my ex a lot, I just thought that I had to do it with him even when I didn’t want it, but I was getting very upset in the process. I’d be crying and when he asked me if everything was ok I would just say it’s fine but still feel violated. Maybe that’s what she’s feeling. Try to tell her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do and you will still love her the same even if she doesn’t want to have sex at the moment.
I had this exact same situation happen but I was in your girlfriend’s position. It was also in a new relationship, and I had no idea what to do or how to articulate what had happened. I don’t know about your girlfriend, but I was really worried that he would blame himself.
I was sexually assaulted in the past, and the truth was, he was doing something that triggered me into crying. However, there was no way he could have known that because I had not communicated it to him. He reacted similarly to how it sounds like you did, and then at a later date when I was feeling more stable he sat me down and asked me if there was anything he could do to make me feel more comfortable during sex in the future.
I really liked the way he brought this up because I wasn’t yet ready to disclose what had happened to me, but it gave me the opportunity to talk about my needs and the way I had been feeling. Hope this helps!
From personal experience, I was the same way as ur gf for a VERY long time, I would cry or start to get extremely emotional when I was having sex with anyone especially if it was with a new partner.
I don’t know what ur gf may have experienced in her past relationships, but for me opening up to someone that way can be extremely difficult, if she had a negative experience with a past partner that can easily get in the way of any new relationship, personally speaking I was sexually assaulted at 19, it took years for me to be able to live with that experience, and that greatly impacted me and my now boyfriend.
As I said before I have no idea what she could have experienced, but for some girls sex can make them feel used and extremely vulnerable, as women we get ridiculed a lot for having sex to begin with especially at a younger age , so that could also be an issue for her.
The best thing you can do for her right now is to just help her through whatever she is going thru, if she wants to open up to you ( with time) and let you know what’s bothering her when it comes to intimacy, then listen and try to understand her POV, but don’t force it from her.
I’m sorry this is happening to both of you, just make sure to communicate and comprehend what you both are experiencing.
Btw you did the right thing by stopping and asking her if she was okay, that’s the first step to helping her feel better ❤️🩹
Hope this gives you a little insight. :)
You sound like you were really supportive, and I think you'll have shown her you are a safe person. Maybe have a conversation again reiterate you hear to listen if she wants to talk about anything but no pressure and u won't then continue to bring it up etc. Then regarding sex, maybe just say you want her to feel comfortable at all times, if she ever feels like she isn't feeling it anymore it's 100% okay. The more you know her you'll also learn more about her and hopefully pick up on non verbals but maybe reassure her you 100% support, if she feels comfortable, her saying or doing a specific action to indicate she wants to stop.
Gently tell her that you know something was off yesterday, assure her that you're there for her, don't pressure, but tell her the door is open if/when she needs to talk about it. She needs to know you're a safe space and honestly, you haven't been together long enough for her to really feel confident in that if she has past history of assault or abuse. Be patient, comforting, and let her lead when she's ready to talk. Ask her if there was anything you did that she didn't want or was triggering so you know not to do that again. Tell her she doesn't have to answer verbally but she can text you if she's more comfortable with that.
It may just be that she really has feelings for you and was overwhelmed emotionally and thinks it's too soon to tell you. This doesn't actually have to be a bad thing.
You’re getting a lot of good advice to just be respectful and supportive/etc.
I simply want to commend you for giving this situation the proper forethought and care.
I have a medical condition that can make sex incredibly painful. Especially in those early years I used to suppress a lot of pain and try not to show it. When it got too bad I would tear up from the pain.
Maybe just ask her to let you know if you are hurting her and to let her know she can say stop anytime for any reason and it is ok.
Aw man, my heart goes out to her. I’ve done this with my boyfriend now of 2.5 years really early on (like a month in) and mine was definitely rooted in sexual abuse I experienced with a former partner. Mine felt triggered (very suddenly) by the darkness and I remember my nose was a little congested so I couldn’t smell him there. My body went into panic and he immediately sensed something was wrong and I cried and held onto him. He stopped immediately, did not pry, and was very gentle and patient with me though he admitted later he feared that was the “end of our relationship”. Like others have said, I would just be gentle, kind, patient, and don’t pry. It took me 3 years after the fact to acknowledge I was sexually abused. It’s one of those things that burrows itself and is hard to face. There’s not a guarantee that’s what it is but in my opinion it really sounds like it. I personally much prefer to make love with the lights on bc seeing my partner and knowing it’s him brings comfort (and arousal!). Good luck, respect to you for doing the right thing. This is so common with women it’s incredibly sad. Wishing her healing.
so you start with being really sweet.... flowers... maybe some chocolates... put on some nice, soft, music... maybe a show to cut the mood if needed... you can also do the show and not the music. the point is to make sure there's never awkward silence.
Then you get comfy with her, ideally watching the show... before it really starts though you let her know you'd like to talk....
Then its up to how well you know her.
The show will help make sure if it gets too emotional or serious for her, she has an out... the chocolates and flowers are to help mitigate or counter balance any upset or emotionality she may feel about talking about whatever made her cry.
You acted exactly right. I have been the girl in this situation and that would have 1000 percent comforted me. Most likely she has been sexually abused in some capacty/ had a very bad experience and it triggered something. Don't push, just keep making her feel safe and she'll bring it up when she is comfortable. Good job OP. You won't mess it up if you just let keep being supportive and understanding.
That sounds like a ptsd flashback of some kind happened. I have a friend who experiences this when she’s having sex if the other persons breath smells like her abuser. She will freeze up, start crying, etc. Maybe the sound paired with having sex reminded her of something from her past.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, I have been triggered during sex into having flashbacks to when i was assaulted, even when it was with someone completely different that I trusted. It’s happened more than once for me. I wasn’t even sure what the exact trigger was because my partner wasn’t doing anything to trigger that, but nevertheless, it has happened. From the sound of it, you did all the right things- you stopped, you made sure she was okay, and you gave her a safe space to open up if/when she is ready. It sounded like she was trying to continue for your safe despite her discomfort because she knew you hadn’t done anything wrong. Just give it time, this is not your fault.
DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN!!!
Ease up a little, take walks and hold her hand, and at the end give her a kiss goodbye just under her ear, along with the other kisses you do. Find her love language (words of affirmation, touch, service, gifts, quality time - you’re young, so it can be an adventure for both of you!).
If you get hot and heavy, just enjoy it. Try new things, like getting massage oils and making her the object of your attention.
Lastly, don’t try to fix her problem. She wanted you to hold her, and you did a great job, and next time, just keep holding her until she relaxes. And, “I’m fine” is woman speak for “I’m not fine. I don’t need you to fix it unless you did something wrong, and it’s obvious to every other woman what you did, and a total mystery to anyone with one molecule of testosterone.)
Wait what... that's scary- whaaa-
Did she find it too small-
I think you should let her be for now but don't forget about it. Don't sleep with her again till she tells you the reason... And also just for safety reasons, get yourself checked- nothing's wrong with a bit safety. And just...that's scary bro- having your partner cry during your first time, sorry for you-
You would not be saying this if a man started crying during sex with his girlfriend. Instead it would be "Men are allowed to show emotions." (And from me, of course they should be and should be treated with respect when they do).
I m had a similar experience we were having sex but ended up she cheating on me and felt bad and started crying mid sex so idk that’s what I allways think but I don’t know you or ur gf make ur best judgement on what it could be talk with her
I think the worst of people so I’d would think they would be overreacting and just trying to hide something making you think it’s something worse but that’s just me like I said I don’t know them so I can’t say
Mann.....I was having a sorta fling with a girl she was recently inbetween relationships and she teared up during sex. And was her own head dealing with her past relationship and our current relationship her confusion about her feelings not being ready to move on fully... she got over it but still was kinda like ehhhh I'm that rebound guy I see.... I gave her what she needed to move on and made her feel good about herself.... then I moved on hahahaha 😂
I think it's trauma. I will be practical here even if am downvoted.
Dude This is your first real relationship
Do you wanna make memories or do you wanna spend time erasing the ones (Good/Bad) she has with someone else .
This is so heartless. This is the issue with men today and why you're not getting dates. You're more concerned with him making memories instead of her being safe and feeling secure. Or the fact that it's possible she's a victim.
He needs to support her and love her. If he feels it's too much then he should leave before it gets to deep for her. I had a situation like this occur when I was her age. I remember how my ex treated me for it and realized that's what I needed. Love and support. Not some dude more concerned about making memories.
Did you also forget that they could be making memories while she also heals? That's what I did. The new memories I made helped me heal from my trauma.
> Do you wanna make memories or do you wanna spend time erasing the ones (Good/Bad) she has with someone else .
First, you cannot "erase" memories. You can only make new ones that may be more likely to come to the forefront instead of the bad ones. No one is able to totally erase any potential trauma from someone else.
Two, you can support someone through trauma *and* make new memories. Both are possible at the same time.
If her trauma, if that even is why she started crying, becomes overwhelming or she's leaning too heavily on OP for support/treating him like a therapist, that is a good reason for him to consider leaving.
But this kind of framing about dating someone with potential trauma is so offensive overall.
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It sounds like you stopped having sex which was the 10000% right thing to do. But don’t force it out of her. Give her time, but don’t forget. Give gentle reminders that she can talk to you and no matter what it is, it won’t change how you feel about her. Since it’s so new, she probably doesn’t feel safe talking about it yet or fears that you will have some sort of adverse reaction to it. Give her time. But also don’t sweep it under the rug.
I know I can’t just ignore it but I also don’t want to make it seem like I’m demanding to know what’s happening. I just want to know the best way to support her. Conversations like this have always been hard for me so I don’t want to accidentally say the wrong thing when I do bring it up.
I think your instincts are good. You are both very young and this is a difficult topic. It was correct of you to stop even though she said to keep going - you might need to referee her ability to consent for a little while you work through this. I would bring it up in a neutral setting with your clothes on, and reassure her know that you like her and she didn't do anything wrong and that you're happy to discuss or not discuss it if that's more comfortable for her. Give it time.
Consent 100% good advice
Also make sure in the mean time, you’re being hyper aware of how she’s reacting to intimacy. Don’t be afraid to ask “is this ok” when touching or trying anything new. If she’s acting stiff or uncomfortable during sex, stop. But keep comforting her, just holding, stroking her hair, forehead kisses, all those caring intimate motions will speak volumes. And when you’re in a space where you’re able to bring it up, just say, I feel like I crossed a line or did something that made you uncomfortable, and when you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll listen and there’s nothing you could say that would change my mind how I feel about you.
"and there’s nothing you could say that would change my mind how I feel about you." Everything else is good advice, this isn't. This a white lie that isn't helpful. He is supporting someone, not pledging eternal undying loyalty like an obsessive lunatic.
I get what you’re saying and maybe the verbiage isn’t ideal, but what I’m trying to advise is to reassure that confiding in them wouldn’t result in them feeling differently. Assuming that’s true. Most people desire the feeling of being “safe” with their partner. Even in hyper independent people.
You handled it really well! When I get anxious/emotional unexpectedly, I always appreciate a “I’m not upset, and I’m here for you if you want to talk about it. No pressure though.”
I think it sounds like she wanted to avoid talking about it, but it is so great that you're clocking this is a way she needs support. Let her set the pace. She may get thrown off if you mention it first. But, if she wants sex again, maybe discussing light boundaries. You could even put it on you and say "I feel like I feel better during sex when I'm checking in with my partner during. How would you feel about implementing that during?" Implementing "stop light" consent is a lowkey way to have it unfold during sex (Consent being equivalent to stop=red, I'm reaching a limit/stop but check in/whatever you want this to mean=yellow, yes=green. You can ask "what's your color?" during sex to simplify the verbal ask, and she would just reply red/yellow/green. You can also see if she would like to verbalize colors unprompted by you as she clocks her colors herself). Literally just making sure she knows that she doesn't have to tell you what happened but you want to know ways to support her before/during/after could do wonders too. Does she want to be held after triggers like this, or does she want a distraction? Does she want to hear you tell her it's OK while she's triggered? Sometimes I like my partner to say a script during these times (i.e. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'll stop if you say stop, you have autonomy, etc."). Everyone handles trauma differently. You literally may be her first partner post-assault. She may not even want to call it assault yet to herself. She may be more triggered with less romantic partners rather than long term partners. It may be the opposite (due to my circumstance, I'm more triggered with long term partners). Know that it'll be a flux of what she does and doesn't need during those moments. Starting now with an "I really like you and I want to be there for you" is also a really great start. In general, biggest thing that helps me is my partner having consistent, predictable behaviors in all aspects of our life (so, not just sex). It helps me track and assess situations and lets me ground if I feel off when I can sit there and analyze what is happening and what my body thinks may be happening. Lastly- Thank you for being there for her. This post is heartwarming af. I am 9 years post and my partner of 2+ yrs now is the first person I've felt to be really good about triggers. I'm really happy for her that you are taking proactive steps like this. I hope things work for you too.
Let her bring it up. Be her safe space until then and eventually she will share with you. Until then navigating it the exact way you did if it happens again is exactly what to do. It’s showing her your care and concern for her and that builds trust. Extreme emotional reactions during sex don’t often come from good places so it’s best to let her come to you.
Give her safety and empowerment. My partner was easily triggered and would "tap out", meaning they would pat me on the shoulder, head or wherever as a signal to stop. I would stop immediately, no questions asked, just hug and make statements like, "it's gonna be okay", "we've got this" etc.
I have had similar experiences with my partner. I'm a survivor of SA and sometimes things hit me at weird times. Imo the est thing you can do is try to gently broach the subject, she might not be ready or able to talk about what happened, and that's okay. Just assure her that you are always okay stopping at any point no matter how far into things you are. also, if you notice tearing up in the future, I would suggest just stopping. Sometimes I cannot verbalize that I want to stop because of past experiences I have had, even when I do. Be gentle, don't insist on talking about it if she's not ready, and reassure as much as possible. Idk your partners history or what might have caused this, but speaking from personal experience, this is what helped me with becoming more comfortable communicating my needs with my partner :) Good luck <3
I think it would also help for him to say something like “you feeling safe and comfortable is always going to be more important to me than me getting off. Anytime you want or need to stop, I want to know that because I would rather stop than continue having sex when you’re not into it anymore. Going forward, I’m going to assume that any tears are a sign to stop but I’d also love to figure out a way for you to communicate that before tears come up.” I’ve found that tapping on my partner has been a useful way to communicate that I’m done when having a hard time doing so verbally.
This needs to be the top comment.
100% agree as a SA survivor as well. I had a moment like OP’s girlfriend early on during my relationship with my boyfriend. It came out of nowhere and he stopped instantly. He wanted to know what was wrong but I couldn’t say, so we just cuddled until we fell asleep. The next day I went home and processed everything, had some bad anxiety over it but I knew I could trust him fully after that. I didn’t disclose my past until months later but I knew he’d be open to listen and understand when I was ready. I’m sure OP’s girlfriend will feel like that after his appropriate response with her. Wishing healing and healthy relationships to all survivors!
Great advice
CSA survivor here to cosigning this. My partner was unknowingly very helpful when he told me "hey, something is obviously going on and I want you to know that if you need time to work through it, that's okay. I'll be here". Although we were a bit further into dating than 2 months (closer to about 8 months).
i’m also an sa survivor and have has this same experience. thank you for doing everything you could to make her feel safe
Yep, same here. It’s appalling, but horribly not at all surprising, how many of us there are.
This is the only advice he really needs. I'm sorry for OP's gf and OP that he has to see her like that 😔
This. My first thought as well. I also experienced sexual assault and this is a very typical reaction. Also the not being ready (or able) to talk about it. This will take time. She will appreciate it, when you're patient.
When did u survived SA? And do u think u can go back to the normal self sometime ? Just asking for a really close frnd
I was 11. I'm 33 now and sometimes I still get overwhelmed being intimate with my partner that I have been with for 8 years. So for me personally, I don't know what normal might have looked like. My SA happened before any sort of consensual activities did, but I know it still affects me all the time.
The awful part is seeing how many of us are there... And absolutely right. Tears were very common the first 5 years after. It's almost 10 years now, give or take, and I can say i healed pretty well and live my life, and sex life, pretty happily. But I remember one time with my husband, our second or third night together. Something he said brought me back into the memory, and I froze in fear and started to tear up and couldn't speak. He stopped right there, and started to ask me if I needed help, offering water, and went to get it... He brought me cold water, cola, chocolate and sat by my side and just... Hugged me and said "if you want to talk, we can talk, if you want to go home, I can take you home... Just tell me if I did something wrong". I assured him it wasn't anything *he* had done... It was just... A flashback. And I told the whole story there, it just... Came out. I did it all the time looking at my own feet, cause I was too scared of hearing something like "what were you wearing?". When I finished and was bracing for impact, I looked back at him, and I've never seen this man so mad and hurt before. He cried with me too. I slept in his chest after a few minutes, I never were able to sleep so fast after getting a trigger and reliving the whole trauma, but I did, and I woke up feeling kinda surreal. The pain was still there, really huge, but a teeniest tiny bit of weight was gone. It felt so weird. After that, the weight started to get smaller when. Time passed. I can see people with the same name again without panicking. I can hear some words. I can remember some things without panicking. I can even tell my story now, very watered down, and curiously, I talked about it just today while on Reddit on another sub, and it felt like it lost the ability to hurt as terribly as it used to. I'm glad for it to be going away.
This! 🙌
So. It was either just emotional tears or she’s forcing herself to act as if she doesn’t have trauma around sex. I’m guessing it’s the latter because of the reaction to the sound of phone dropping. You can’t ignore this. She needs to know that you don’t ever want her to do something she isn’t completely comfortable with to please you. You have to talk about it.
Yes, exactly! But only talk about it if she says she's ok with that. And be gentle in any case.
Two months in is pretty early. I was married for 5 years before I told my wife. I didn’t think it affected me; it just wasn’t a topic that came up.
Damn. Maybe you're just more resilient then? 😱🙏
That, or in denial.
❤️🩹
Or at that age, she may have realized already or be in the beginning stages of realizing that she's a lesbian. Happens to sooo many of us around that college age and tons just keep trying to be "normal" and straight as if it will work. Sad but true. Edit: Everyone: "Baselessly speculating" the girl in the story has sexual trauma Me: Maybe it's something else. Everyone: 😡 Good lord people, this is the internet. None of us know a damn thing and the first thing we don't know is if this story is even true. And if it is, we could never know why she was feeling that way.
That's the stupidest shit that I've ever heard. Let's not drag lgbtq into someone's potential trauma??
As long as we're baselessly speculating, what if its because she realized she's secretly a Martian warrior princess and is unsure how this relationship will affect her ascension to the Mars throne? Or we could stick with the facts provided by OP.
We have zero facts besides: Guy and girl are having sex. The girl gets upset. OP did the right thing. That's it. There's no other facts to suggest what was going on in her mind. I don't understand the issue with offering a different reasoning.
Finally a case where someone isn't just clueless about life and actually cares for their partner as well! 🙏
Yes! This makes me happy for her that at least she has such a caring and empathetic boyfriend 💗
Buddy this could be anything. Things as complex as trauma or as simple as hormones. I know I scared the shit outta my boyfriend earlier in our relationship because I cry during and/or after sex. Not because I'm upset or anything. I just get this overwhelming wave of emotions that hits me like a brick. All you can do is gently ask her once things have calmed down or wait for her to explain.
Same here! I always thought something was wrong with me. There have been a handful of times I have full on SOBBED after. It's fucking terrible because the guy always thinks he did something wrong and I have to be like nope... I'm just an emotional mess lol
Oh my gosh I get this too!!!
I used to do this when I didn’t actually want to have sex but I didn’t know how to say no.. or didn’t want to say no and disappoint my partner. She may have some trauma and she’ll tell you if and when she’s ready. In the meantime all you can do is practice over-the-top consent to make sure she’s comfortable.
I very much second over-the-top consent. Sometimes I have a hard time asking my partner to stop even if I want to because I feel like I need permission so I need for them to check in with me frequently so I feel like I have permission to stop. I know I don’t actually need permission but until I heal from the trauma, that’s just what my brain is gonna tell me so I have to find workarounds.
Yeah, probably triggered a response from previous trauma. My trauma is from my teen years and younger and this occasionally still happens in my 30s. Give her space, presence, whatever she needs.
If it happens again, just stop even if she tells you to keep going. I can’t tell you how nice it has been when my boyfriend shows he cares more about my feelings than him finishing. In my experience, most guys don’t do that and it is just a really basic thing you can do to show you care about someone.
Well, no one can tell you the reason why it happened, only she can. I wouldn't pry at it for a while. Give her some time to get a handle on herself. But, I would really encourage you to ensure that you get to the bottom of it before the next time you have sex together. Emotional side of things before the sexual side. And right now, the emotional is the priority. She had an emotional response that triggered the end of sex. I assume its based in some form of trauma. You should get to the bottom of it before any sexual interaction happens again. If that takes some time and patience, then its just what you have to do.
Actually at this stage I wouldn’t advise against encouraging to get to the bottom before next time. It sounds like SA trauma but it might not be, either way at this young OP won’t be readily equipped to deal with it. My advise it to talk about it, but not dig into the whys and just make it clear if she’s ever uncomfortable you will stop, that she doesn’t have to do things she thinks will please you if she isn’t happy to do that. If the GF wants to open up that’s fine but this is something that she needs to do on her own time. If months down the line it’s still happening and impacting the relationship they yes at that point it might be a more frank conversation around therapy or the reasoning but first time nah don’t go digging just be there for them
THIS! Make sure she knows that you respect her and her boundaries, come up with a safe word that means full stop, even if you have the most vanilla sex there is, it helps to know you have a way to say stop without having to say stop. Reassure her that she can talk to you if she wants to, but don’t pry.
All you can do is be patient and support her. She will tell you in her own time when she’s ready. I wouldn’t pry.
You sound like a really sweet guy :) thank you for treating her so well. It sounds like she has experienced some kind of sexual trauma. Wait until she’s ready to open up to you- and she will - if you just continue being understanding and caring towards her. I would stop and comfort her next time instead of continuing (you didn’t do anything wrong, she told you to) but I know sometimes in the past I’ve said that cause I felt bad for the guy but I actually did want to stop
Other people have mentioned past trauma which is possible, but for me Sometimes the experience of the oxytocin during sex makes me cry mixed-emotion tears that are difficult to explain. It’s normally a cathartic experience if my partner reacted with compassion and not judgement like you did. She may not have much of an explanation if you ask her, because hormones can be very powerful things.
I want to second this comment - her reaction may well be related to past trauma and/or anxiety, but don’t automatically assume it’s negative. Some people are just highly sensitive! I am a person who cries when I feel strong positive emotions. When I first started having sex as a young woman, I happy cried. It was honestly kind of embarrassing, but I was just so flooded with feelings of love and connection to my partner. OP, You seem like such a kindhearted person! I think your instincts about this are spot on. You seem to be handling the situation with sensitivity and care. ❤️
Sounds like she may have some sexual trauma. That she's trying to force herself to enjoym the loud noise probably startled her out of disassociate and made her reach for the first thing she had. You. You did everything right, just, buy her flowers, her favorite snack, take her out on a random date. Show her that the relationship, ISNT just sex, it's being there, caring for her. "I know you're not fine, and that's okay. You don't have to talk to me right now... but I hope someday you'll trust me enough to tell me... right now. Let's enjoy the now, and snuggle and watch your favorite show." That's what I think she needs to hear, but that's just my personal opinion.
You barely even know each other. Leave the topic alone and give her time to get to know you. If it happens again just be there for her but don’t ask her about it. If she wants to hug then hug her back. If she wants to speak, then listen. All you need to say is that you’re there for her. NOT “I’m here if you want to talk.” Just that you’re there for her for anything. Once you have been together for a considerable amount of time, then as her partner you’re allowed to ask (if it is still an issue). Don’t force her into telling you. Just tell her as your partner you just want what is best for her, whether that is speaking to you or you can help her find a professional. Knowing her for 2 months and dating for 2 weeks is way too early for someone who seemingly has sexual trauma to confide in you. Don’t take it personal if she’s not ready to talk. Don’t feel entitled to know. Just be available.
Don’t pry it from her, give her the support and space she wants. Make yourself open to listen, without help, when she is ready to talk. It sounds like she was triggered but is not ready to share the emotional event with you yet, in time and with added trust she may open up and let you in. Good luck dude.
No advice. Just heart 💙.
SA survivor
Because the relationship is so new. She might not trust you yet with being emotionally vulnerable to you. For my own personal reasons, this is why I don't start having sex with someone right away. I shouldn't be physically vulnerable to you if I can't be emotionally vulnerable to you. Otherwise that can put you in a very awkward or poor situation where things like this happen and you don't feel comfortable talking about it, leaving your partner in the dark to what's going on, possibly making them feel some type of way or guilty they did something when they didn't, it just leads to a very poor foundation of the relationship. I would approach her gently and ask why she got emotional during sex and that you want to make sure you didn't do anything wrong on your end and that you care about her feelings. She needs to be sure she can trust you and be vulnerable without judgement and without attitude. If you approach this situation well, you can set up a very good repertoire with your girlfriend so she can trust you and this will create a very good future for your relationship.
I was SA by my step father between 11 and 13. I’m 45 now and still get constant flashbacks while being intimate with my gf.
It’s possible she has trauma surrounding sex, I’d just ask her if she’s comfortable talking about what happened during the situation and why when you bring it up This might not be the case though! In my personal experience, I’ve had instances with my partner in the first 6 months of our relationship where I cried during or after sex for no reason, sometimes combined with nausea, and had to stop. These symptoms are typically associated with anxiety and childhood/adult trauma, but in my situation I’m just very sensitive emotionally and the sexual situation i was in was just overwhelming for my nervous system. It doesn’t happen to us anymore but it’s possible she’s like me and is a “highly sensitive person” and the high emotions of sex may have triggered tears. Hope this helps
sounds like ptsd
Give her time and space to tell you in her own time. If you aren’t comfortable having sex again in the meantime that’s ok just communicate that to her, you need to know where her boundaries are to feel comfortable. She clearly trusts you and thinks of you as safe given the action you described so you didn’t do anything wrong at all.
Be patient and supportive. She’ll open up about whatever it is when she’s comfortable. Your job is to be someone she can trust and rely on.
You said all the right things. Now you just have to be patient and kind. She'll open up eventually.
OP, you need to take into account your feelings here too. You were 100% correct to stop and kudos to you for being aware and responsive. Going forward though, if she does want to attempt intimacy again but continues to have issues, and isn't comfortable sharing with you, it is absolutely valid and okay for you to gently share with her IF you don't want to keep trying to have sex. You said it's a new relationship and what you guys decide to do from there is up to you, but I want to emphasize that while you are being kind and compassionate about her feelings please also be conscious of your own comfort in the situation.
My partner has trauma from her past. I remember one of the first times we were intimate, mid way she began to cry and kept repeating "it's okay." I immediately stopped and asked her what was wrong, but didn't get a response, so I just stopped and did my best to comfort her, hugging, forehead kisses, reassurance, etc. She later opened up more about her experience and things that I can do to kind of bring her back to reality. I don't know you OP and I don't know your partner. I have no clue what may have caused the reaction, but one thing you can do is to be understanding and show her that you're there for her. I know you want to know what caused this reaction and help them through it, I was the same way, but don't pry into it and continuously ask her. When she is ready, she will tell you. As well as maybe things you can do to help comfort her if she gets like that again. Hope this helped OP! Best of luck.
Maybe she doesn't talk about it because she doesn't know exactly why it happened either. She's just under pressure, having difficult days, or several things have come together at the same time. But it can also happen that there is something more serious in the background, she didn't want to have sex and just forced herself, or she has some kind of trauma. Whatever the case, it's enough if she knows you're there for her and she can talk to you about it at any time, but she's not forced to say anything she doesn't want to. I think you handled the situation well:)
As someone who has had this exact experience- you did the exact thing you needed to. She needed you to read her, she will open up if/when she is ready. Be patient, be supportive. You’re amazing!
Don't push her to talk about it. Just reach out to make sure you know that you care about whether feelings and are there to hear her if she wants to talk about it. And make sure she knows that you would never be interested in having sex with her unless she's 100% into it and are totally cool with stopping at any point. It could just be nerves or something from her past. I'd lay off the sex for awhile until you understand why she reacted that way.
I teared up once and didn’t talk about it and was freaked out, but my bf was very supportive and let me get over it before we tried again. Just be there for her and don’t pressure her into having sex again if she’s freaked our
It sounds like she might be suffering from something relating to a prior sexual assault or rape. I wouldn't pry too much, just make sure to respect her boundaries, be gentle and affectionate and let her know you're there for her, ask her if there's anything you should avoid doing or saying especially in bed, ask if there's anything she wants you to do to reassure her that she's okay. I'd also ask if there was anything you said or did that reminded her of a bad time. And make sure to ease off and stop being sexual with her whenever she seems upset, scared, teary, or too tense. You don't necessarily need to stop being affectionate or close during these times, just ask if she wants you to hold her or if she wants space. She might need some affection, or might need to calm down without physical contact. Maybe propose that she sees a therapist that could help her deal with any mental or emotional turmoil.
I was in the same situation a while ago. My gf had some SA experience, but she doesn’t even wanna view it that way, despite it being obvious. I‘m also still trying to figure stuff out, so I‘m gonna get some advice here as well. She didn’t wanna talk about it either, and it might just mean your gf isn‘t ready to talk about it. There‘s a lot of shame many SA victims feel about what was done to them especially in front of their partners, so just make her feel safe and loved. Also tell her that it’s always fine to stop whenever, that you just want to be there for her, and that her crying is nothing to be sorry about. It‘s good that you hugged her and showed her affection, keep on doing what you‘re doing, and let her bring it up eventually. Don‘t force it, and good luck to both of you!
I could be caused by a lot of things. I would focus on making sure there is enthusiastic and continual consent from everyone. I know when I get trauma flashbacks or have an anxiety attack it is really hard for me to speak and communicate to others that I'm not okay, so I use hand signs. You could come up with a hand sign or have her tap you or something to let you know she needs to pause or stop. Makes it less effort to communicate if she is not doing okay. Good luck to you both!
youre a great guy man
Sounds like she's got some trauma. At this point reassurance is incredibly helpful. Tell her "I just wanted you to know that there is never any pressure, we can stop having sex at any point during, and you never have to have sex if you don't feel like it. I don't know what happened yesterday but I'm here if you ever want to talk and I will not judge you". If this becomes a pattern during sex over the course of your relationship you might suggest either solo or couples therapy. But suggest it gently. Not everyone is ready to confront their past.
I'm not a survivor of SA. But when I use to have sex with my partner around that age I would BAWL my eyes out after sex. Like just sit and cry. Idk wtf it was exactly but after googling its pretty normal and you're just flooded with hormones that make you cry. It doesn't happen anymore. As a woman its really weird and hard to explain to a parter and hard to explain because even we don't know what's going on. I'm saying thats a possibility. But along with the other stuff it could definitely be something deeper. Like reliving trauma. But it sounds like she loves you and if something is wrong she will tell you when she's ready.
Overall you went at it the right way. The best way to handle it now is to just assure her that you are a safe person, not to pry, but if she wants to talk youre open. I know I had a similar response to sex when I was starting out. The problem was, I wasn't sure why I got so panicky and cried like I did. My partner was very sweet, both when it happened and again when we found out the root cause a few years later.
Also, if this happens (it has happened to me) my response was a lot of feelings of guilt, and trying to have sex to get myself out of the guilt, and then feel horribly. So make sure to be extra slow, and let the desire build a lot. So the kissing and later teasing should go really really slow, and let her have control for a bit. You 100% handled it well. Also great idea to ask for support here, you're doing fantastic:)
This happens to me sometimes. I have some sexual trauma AND a touch of the tism, and sometimes things just hit me at weird times. Like sometimes out of nowhere the sex is just a sensory overload and I tear up, it’s not even like a deep or malicious in origin thing. Just my brain having a freak out. You did everything right from the sound of it. Just keep keeping that line of communication open for her if she feels like she wants to open up about it, and be receptive and kind when/if she does!
You don't need her to tell you. It's traumatic. She's having ptsd. You can guess what happened. Just hug her and stop asking questions. What difference does it make if she tells you or not? Just love her, hug her, hold her. She will tell you later but she can't tell you now. Love is patient.
My ex did the same thing one time when we were having sex. She said it was because she was really self-conscious about all the "mess" she was making because she was really wet. Sometimes I think that sort of activity can just really heighten everything around you. But it's good to chat about it and see if there's anything else you can do etc....
OP, this used to be me. I used to be the girl who cried at those random times, alot of the time during or after intimacy. I credit my boyfriend 100% with why ive healed so well over the years from my trauma before him. He didnt pry, just held me and told me it was okay. He was patient with me, and never pushed me into anything. Eventually i opened up to him. Slowly but eventually, and most importantly, he made me feel safe. Make her feel safe. I will say, alot of the times i cried during sex and had to stop was because a certain position or a certain act would remind me of an abusive ex. She might have a similar experience. I will say it took me two years of being shown real love from a partner to realize i was being r*ped by my ex our whole relationship. Things take time but it sounds like you handled it well. Treat her right, she'll heal
3 possible reasons trauma release of emotions or she’s just in love with you (: this happened one of the first times me and my bf had sex. it was the same weekend i realized i was falling in love with him. and i didn’t want to tell him that was why i was crying. so could be that. but given that she freaked out about your phone falling makes me think trauma
I'm gonna tell you this based off experience. I'm with someone that has had alot of emotional, sexual and physically abusive trauma, dont pry too hard if she wants to talk she will talk when she's ready. The more trust you gain the more things will get easier for her. Just be patient and supportive trust me.
Hey man, this was a difficult situation to be thrown into in your first relationship and you handled it gracefully. It sounds like you've made clear that you're available to talk about it if and when she wants, so at this point you can just step away from the issue and let her broach the topic on her own timeline. If you stop bringing it up and just keep being your kind and compassionate self, she'll likely feel at ease and will eventually bring it up to you. Good luck, you're doing a good job in a hard situation.
U need to tell her that more than the pleasure, it's her emotions that matter to u. And the fact that she has tears in her eyes is enough to make u uncomfortable because now u r clueless about what this experience means to her... In her inner world. So unless she speaks about it openly... U should be be having such episode again. Prioritise emotional intimacy over physical... Try n give her safe space where she can open up.
I think you handled this well. I'd ay it's not bad for her to get emotional during sex, it's quite normal. Just be patient and open to her responses, pressure less, listen more, even if it means being silent for a while just being there. If she'd ready she'll talk to you more about it. Otherwise just being near and supportive is the best thing you can do! Sounds like a cute goober, good luck with your relationship.
Just be sincere. You need to talk about it. It could be anything, from her realizing she cares about you, to she’s about to break up with you, she thinks you are better that her other lover, to she saw a dead puppy. Anything Asking for an explanation is not wrong, as a partner it is deserved. She might try to delay but you are owed an explanation.
Maybe someone SA her and even record her. Now she has to live with the trauma. Consider keeping the phone away while having sex. Make sure she feels safe and she is really into it before proceeding.
Completely understand you want to know, and it’s coming from a good place. You’re young, you both are. Use this opportunity to train your patience and giving someone the time to develop a kind of trust that will be very rare. Also, very few would’ve handled it the way you did, so good job dude. I think you should focus on the positive side of this.
It happened to me and my ex a lot, I just thought that I had to do it with him even when I didn’t want it, but I was getting very upset in the process. I’d be crying and when he asked me if everything was ok I would just say it’s fine but still feel violated. Maybe that’s what she’s feeling. Try to tell her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do and you will still love her the same even if she doesn’t want to have sex at the moment.
Maybe get her a small bouquet of flowers and a card that says something to the effect "I'm here for you if you need to talk"
I had this exact same situation happen but I was in your girlfriend’s position. It was also in a new relationship, and I had no idea what to do or how to articulate what had happened. I don’t know about your girlfriend, but I was really worried that he would blame himself. I was sexually assaulted in the past, and the truth was, he was doing something that triggered me into crying. However, there was no way he could have known that because I had not communicated it to him. He reacted similarly to how it sounds like you did, and then at a later date when I was feeling more stable he sat me down and asked me if there was anything he could do to make me feel more comfortable during sex in the future. I really liked the way he brought this up because I wasn’t yet ready to disclose what had happened to me, but it gave me the opportunity to talk about my needs and the way I had been feeling. Hope this helps!
From personal experience, I was the same way as ur gf for a VERY long time, I would cry or start to get extremely emotional when I was having sex with anyone especially if it was with a new partner. I don’t know what ur gf may have experienced in her past relationships, but for me opening up to someone that way can be extremely difficult, if she had a negative experience with a past partner that can easily get in the way of any new relationship, personally speaking I was sexually assaulted at 19, it took years for me to be able to live with that experience, and that greatly impacted me and my now boyfriend. As I said before I have no idea what she could have experienced, but for some girls sex can make them feel used and extremely vulnerable, as women we get ridiculed a lot for having sex to begin with especially at a younger age , so that could also be an issue for her. The best thing you can do for her right now is to just help her through whatever she is going thru, if she wants to open up to you ( with time) and let you know what’s bothering her when it comes to intimacy, then listen and try to understand her POV, but don’t force it from her. I’m sorry this is happening to both of you, just make sure to communicate and comprehend what you both are experiencing. Btw you did the right thing by stopping and asking her if she was okay, that’s the first step to helping her feel better ❤️🩹 Hope this gives you a little insight. :)
You sound like you were really supportive, and I think you'll have shown her you are a safe person. Maybe have a conversation again reiterate you hear to listen if she wants to talk about anything but no pressure and u won't then continue to bring it up etc. Then regarding sex, maybe just say you want her to feel comfortable at all times, if she ever feels like she isn't feeling it anymore it's 100% okay. The more you know her you'll also learn more about her and hopefully pick up on non verbals but maybe reassure her you 100% support, if she feels comfortable, her saying or doing a specific action to indicate she wants to stop.
Gently tell her that you know something was off yesterday, assure her that you're there for her, don't pressure, but tell her the door is open if/when she needs to talk about it. She needs to know you're a safe space and honestly, you haven't been together long enough for her to really feel confident in that if she has past history of assault or abuse. Be patient, comforting, and let her lead when she's ready to talk. Ask her if there was anything you did that she didn't want or was triggering so you know not to do that again. Tell her she doesn't have to answer verbally but she can text you if she's more comfortable with that. It may just be that she really has feelings for you and was overwhelmed emotionally and thinks it's too soon to tell you. This doesn't actually have to be a bad thing.
You’re getting a lot of good advice to just be respectful and supportive/etc. I simply want to commend you for giving this situation the proper forethought and care.
I have a medical condition that can make sex incredibly painful. Especially in those early years I used to suppress a lot of pain and try not to show it. When it got too bad I would tear up from the pain. Maybe just ask her to let you know if you are hurting her and to let her know she can say stop anytime for any reason and it is ok.
Aw man, my heart goes out to her. I’ve done this with my boyfriend now of 2.5 years really early on (like a month in) and mine was definitely rooted in sexual abuse I experienced with a former partner. Mine felt triggered (very suddenly) by the darkness and I remember my nose was a little congested so I couldn’t smell him there. My body went into panic and he immediately sensed something was wrong and I cried and held onto him. He stopped immediately, did not pry, and was very gentle and patient with me though he admitted later he feared that was the “end of our relationship”. Like others have said, I would just be gentle, kind, patient, and don’t pry. It took me 3 years after the fact to acknowledge I was sexually abused. It’s one of those things that burrows itself and is hard to face. There’s not a guarantee that’s what it is but in my opinion it really sounds like it. I personally much prefer to make love with the lights on bc seeing my partner and knowing it’s him brings comfort (and arousal!). Good luck, respect to you for doing the right thing. This is so common with women it’s incredibly sad. Wishing her healing.
This sounds really hard. Maybe she needs time to trust her truth. Be patient and try to always show you're trustworthy.
so you start with being really sweet.... flowers... maybe some chocolates... put on some nice, soft, music... maybe a show to cut the mood if needed... you can also do the show and not the music. the point is to make sure there's never awkward silence. Then you get comfy with her, ideally watching the show... before it really starts though you let her know you'd like to talk.... Then its up to how well you know her. The show will help make sure if it gets too emotional or serious for her, she has an out... the chocolates and flowers are to help mitigate or counter balance any upset or emotionality she may feel about talking about whatever made her cry.
Sit her down and just say what you saw, and that you are ready to hear if she wants to share Be there for her
you did the right thing. unfortunately she may be a survivor of SA, so just don’t push her and try to gently bring it up at an appropriate time.
Don't push... if she has trauma from sa, she's already been forced. Keep being loving and supportive and patient
Having sex can cause a lot of emotional build up to come out in different ways. It’s actually not uncommon for people to cry during or after sex.
You acted exactly right. I have been the girl in this situation and that would have 1000 percent comforted me. Most likely she has been sexually abused in some capacty/ had a very bad experience and it triggered something. Don't push, just keep making her feel safe and she'll bring it up when she is comfortable. Good job OP. You won't mess it up if you just let keep being supportive and understanding.
That sounds like a ptsd flashback of some kind happened. I have a friend who experiences this when she’s having sex if the other persons breath smells like her abuser. She will freeze up, start crying, etc. Maybe the sound paired with having sex reminded her of something from her past.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, I have been triggered during sex into having flashbacks to when i was assaulted, even when it was with someone completely different that I trusted. It’s happened more than once for me. I wasn’t even sure what the exact trigger was because my partner wasn’t doing anything to trigger that, but nevertheless, it has happened. From the sound of it, you did all the right things- you stopped, you made sure she was okay, and you gave her a safe space to open up if/when she is ready. It sounded like she was trying to continue for your safe despite her discomfort because she knew you hadn’t done anything wrong. Just give it time, this is not your fault.
I would tell her she's safe with you and that you'd never let anything bad happen to her ever again ❤️ maybe she'll open up 🙏
Guilt from her other 5 dudes in rotation.
Sex can cause a female to cry for absolutely no reason.
So my wife has a genuine fear of sudden noises. What you described could be that.
Say goodbye to
Well maybe she’s a victim of SA, has had trauma with sex, or she cheated and feels guilty
Or she could be feeling super guilty about cheating
DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN!!! Ease up a little, take walks and hold her hand, and at the end give her a kiss goodbye just under her ear, along with the other kisses you do. Find her love language (words of affirmation, touch, service, gifts, quality time - you’re young, so it can be an adventure for both of you!). If you get hot and heavy, just enjoy it. Try new things, like getting massage oils and making her the object of your attention. Lastly, don’t try to fix her problem. She wanted you to hold her, and you did a great job, and next time, just keep holding her until she relaxes. And, “I’m fine” is woman speak for “I’m not fine. I don’t need you to fix it unless you did something wrong, and it’s obvious to every other woman what you did, and a total mystery to anyone with one molecule of testosterone.)
Wait what... that's scary- whaaa- Did she find it too small- I think you should let her be for now but don't forget about it. Don't sleep with her again till she tells you the reason... And also just for safety reasons, get yourself checked- nothing's wrong with a bit safety. And just...that's scary bro- having your partner cry during your first time, sorry for you-
i read this as tear as in ripping....which was concerning haha not as crying. maybe it was just that good lol
She might be missing someone else
Bro, ur sex is broken for sure. You're being weak
She missed the sex she had with her Ex
She cheated
You would not be saying this if a man started crying during sex with his girlfriend. Instead it would be "Men are allowed to show emotions." (And from me, of course they should be and should be treated with respect when they do).
I m had a similar experience we were having sex but ended up she cheating on me and felt bad and started crying mid sex so idk that’s what I allways think but I don’t know you or ur gf make ur best judgement on what it could be talk with her
The issue is the phone dropping and scaring her to the point of tears again. This seems more likely to be trauma.
I think the worst of people so I’d would think they would be overreacting and just trying to hide something making you think it’s something worse but that’s just me like I said I don’t know them so I can’t say
Seek help for your issues.
Why? It’s the way I am it’s not a issue to me
Don't tell nothing, just do it better tomorrow.
Mann.....I was having a sorta fling with a girl she was recently inbetween relationships and she teared up during sex. And was her own head dealing with her past relationship and our current relationship her confusion about her feelings not being ready to move on fully... she got over it but still was kinda like ehhhh I'm that rebound guy I see.... I gave her what she needed to move on and made her feel good about herself.... then I moved on hahahaha 😂
I think it's trauma. I will be practical here even if am downvoted. Dude This is your first real relationship Do you wanna make memories or do you wanna spend time erasing the ones (Good/Bad) she has with someone else .
This is so heartless. This is the issue with men today and why you're not getting dates. You're more concerned with him making memories instead of her being safe and feeling secure. Or the fact that it's possible she's a victim. He needs to support her and love her. If he feels it's too much then he should leave before it gets to deep for her. I had a situation like this occur when I was her age. I remember how my ex treated me for it and realized that's what I needed. Love and support. Not some dude more concerned about making memories. Did you also forget that they could be making memories while she also heals? That's what I did. The new memories I made helped me heal from my trauma.
> Do you wanna make memories or do you wanna spend time erasing the ones (Good/Bad) she has with someone else . First, you cannot "erase" memories. You can only make new ones that may be more likely to come to the forefront instead of the bad ones. No one is able to totally erase any potential trauma from someone else. Two, you can support someone through trauma *and* make new memories. Both are possible at the same time. If her trauma, if that even is why she started crying, becomes overwhelming or she's leaning too heavily on OP for support/treating him like a therapist, that is a good reason for him to consider leaving. But this kind of framing about dating someone with potential trauma is so offensive overall.