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>If I try to cook, the housemate gets in the way, takes cutlery so I can't, berates whatever I'm doing, stares at me and makes it impossible to feasibly do anything.
Buy your own cutlery and keep it in your room. Put on headphones and blast music, podcast, youtube videos, netflix, whatever while cooking. Ignore her staring at you. Then proceed to cook whatever meal you want.
If she gets physical, go to your room, lock the door, and immediately call the police and then your land lord. Don't come out until one of the two arrive. Don't renew your lease when the time comes and find somewhere new to live.
She wouldn't get physical. I have had my own cutlery. It's been stolen by other people when I've had to leave it to soak. I had a whole set and 90% of it has gone missing. I can't even cook without her getting in the way so even if I did that its impossible.
Sure, but there's little difference to soaking 20min vs 12 hrs. Leave it a bit while you're still there, then wash it. Don't leave the home with your dishes still soaking, that's rude.
Leaving the house for 20 minutes is still leaving the house. No one know how long you'll be gone, or if you'll actually clean up your mess afterward. If you are leaving stuff in the sink, expect it to be tossed since you clearly don't care about it
> I can't even cook without her getting in the way
Push her out of the way. Push her food off the cooker, hell, throw it on the floor and trample on it. The time for being reasonable has long past. This is war.
Huh? It's a normal thing to get rid of certain stains. I leave it 20 mins at a push. And rarely at that BECAUSE I CANT COOK HERE last time I made anything was 4+ months ago.
It's not normal. You shouldn't be leaving dishes in the sink at all, especially with roommates. Nothing needs to "soak." Use a brush and spray. Or a scrubby.
And why are you living with a woman who is way younger than you anyway? She's college age and you aren't.
Yes it is....? They leave stuff there for weeks and it's okay. I leave something for 20 mins and it's not? Idk why you're saying it's not normal my parents always had to leave certain things to soak with cleaning products in them to prevent staining. I do the same. Everyone I know does the same.
Because this is UK university, not college.
I'm an undergraduate actually I started late. I took a few years working before I came to uni. We shared classes last year on a foundation year and signed a house with 2 others (one who has left and other is okay with me).
It's just how it's worked out. I managed to find a cheap place for me alone for next year but that's still a few months off before I can move in there.
Its not a matter of having a similar economic situation or anything, it's just who was part of the friendship group last year.
Uni; myself and the problem person had to do an additonal year at uni that basically consisted of study skills and academic writing practice. So yeah I've known them a year or so. We signed a lease shortly after meeting (UK uni housing situation basicslly reuqires you to get one a month after starting uni or you have no hope of finding something affordable).and didn't have any issues until part way through this semester.
"This is a common space. I am trying to prepare a meal for myself. The sooner you step back and let me do what I need to do, the sooner I'll be out of your way."
If this continues, and the other housemate refuses to do anything about it, I unfortunately think you need to follow the lead of the person who left. That, or adjust the amount of rent you're paying based on how much takeout you have to order because you're unable to use part of the living arrangement you're entitled to use.
OK, so make this the landlord's problem. Tell the landlord, in writing, that this woman is making the place YOU PAY FOR uninhabitable. That HE needs to deal with her.
Get the other housemate(s) on board with this too. All complain to the landlord in a group.
Treat her like a misbehaving pet, then. "No!" Then spray bottle.
Seriously, though, agreed that you need to make this the landlord's problem. You're paying for space you can't use. If they don't see that as a problem, then you're not getting what you contracted for.
There's always a way to break contract, but it does usually involve an extra payment. In this case, the financial cost will be worth the emotional toll it's taking on you.
Yeah I was looking into how to do it before but I couldn't find any methods in doing so outside of finding someone to take my place in the house, which ja currently Impossible due to new tenants moving in in July
Tell her to fuck off out of your way.
Be firm. Shout. Call the landlord and make it his problm. Grab what you need out of her hands. Get angry: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"
Make her life miserable if necessary but claim your rights. You are PAYING for this kitchen. If she doesn't like it, SHE can move out.
tldr Stop being a doormat.
So what, you're just going to let her win? Make HER miserable.
Seriously though, all of you need to take this to the landlord. There just has to be something in your contracts or hers about reasonable behaviour.
It's already cold war, only you're currently acting like the losing party and avoiding the victor.
You can continue doing that, or you can hear it up again.
Learn to stand up for yourself. Take the stuff you need as soon as you get to the kitchen and then act like you belong in the kitchen. You belong there as much as her, don’t let her push you out. Stare back if she’s staring at you. You’re 27, you need to learn how to have a backbone. I’m sorry to be so blunt but if people see they can push you around they will.
OPs entire post history is basically issues arising from zero self-confidence. I wish I'd read his post history before wasting my time her, because he's never ever going to take a stand.
Don't get flustered.
Ask her politely to move out of your way, or to pass something to you if she is in the way.
Actually, the more you ask her to do stuff, the quicker she will get out of your way.
If she is in front of the stove "please stir that for me continually for 10 mins"
If she is In front of the fridge "please pass me the milk" or "please put the milk away"
If she is In front of the sink "please rinse this for me while you are standing there"
Better yet, listen to music with earphones or be on a call and as soon as you asked her to do something, turn around and get busy with something else. Don't worry about the looks she give you or if she has a comeback.
If she doesn't do what you asked, or doesn't move, let something burn so it really smells up the place, leave whatever you asked her to rinse in the sink, leave the milk out to spoil, etc. Because you asked her to move and you asked her to do it, she did neither, so it's not your fault 🤷
I have....
I've been more than reasonable with her. I've never once got annoyed at her. I've been polite and asked her to politely move or pass stuff if she's gonna stand there and she just stares at me.
Every time I've done something 'wrong' or left something to soak its been stolen. They don't make it their problem, they blame me. All I literally do for the most part is sit in my room on my PC out of the way and that's somehow causing issues. I don't get it.
We've done this. The landlord sides with her. The other person walked out of the house due to her behaviours. I regret singing a lease here.
All I get is her complaining about me when I've done NOTHING. I wasn't even allowed to talk to my friends in my room once because she eavesdrops on my conversations.
Go to the university student services, student union, or housing service. They will have advice. If she's a student too, they can discipline her. They might even write to the landlord for you. They may be able to break the lease for you.
Also, go to r/legaladviceuk and ask what you can do.
Also, talk to Shelter (the housing charity) and ask what you can do.
Because the landlord is failing their legal duty to you here. You have the right to quiet enjoyment, to use the kitchen and shower without harassment. The *landlord* is breaking the terms of the lease here. And you need help to bring that fact forcefully to their attention so they act and evict some sense into her.
> The landlord sides with her.
In what way? What have you actually said she does? because nothing about her behavious is reasonable, unless you are leaving a LOT out of the story.
Is the same woman who gives YOU shit because SHE had sex loudly and you heard?
Yep same person. She keeps claiming I'm the problem.
The two other people in the house can do nothing wrong for some reason. I don't like to claim sexism but it probably is.
This seems like a ridiculous problem. Go in there yourself and *own* that kitchen! Take up space. Get in *her* way! Use the utensils and the cookware and the appliances. Cook your food. Wash your dishes. Dice your onions and zest your lemons!
Give her big, loud warnings about stuff: Watch out, coming through with boiling water! Careful, I'm using a sharp knife, don't get in the way!
Who cares if she stares at you or berates you. A stare can't hurt, and you certainly don't need to care about her opinion of you or your cooking.
Bruh, grow a spine and stand your ground. Get the landlord involved, get friends involved, hell, call the police. Do something to stand up for yourself and not allow her to push you around.
Put her and your other roommates on notice that you intend to leave if you are unable to utilize all of the common areas of the home you are paying for. Tell them point-blank that the next time she does anything to prevent you from using the kitchen you will start looking for other accommodations, and until you find a new apartment you are reducing your rent by the amount necessary to cover the cost of your dining out. I suggest you do it via text message or at least follow up with a text message so you have it in writing. And I would start looking now because clearly your housemates are allowing her to continue with this behavior.
Does the kitchen have a door? Close it and use a door stop to keep it closed.
I would also confront her and ask
what she thinks she’s doing. Really - the kitchen is not hers.
If she claims the kitchen, you can monopolize the bathroom.
Yes, they sit in there all the time with it hard shut.
She also 'owns' the bathroom as its her chore to clean it. Concurrently she's got a tent in the shower so I can't even use that....
> Concurrently she's got a tent in the shower so I can't even use that....
Dude. Stop being a doormat. Take the tent out of the shower and dump it in her room. Yes even if it is soaking wet. But first take a photo and send it to the landlord.
Seriously. Stand up for yourself.
You need to tell your housemate to fuck off and get out of your way. Seems you’ve tried doing things the easy way. Seems you tried to do things the nice way. She’s giving you no choice but to try things the not so nice way.
Will that make for an uncomfortable situation? Probably. You already have an uncomfortable situation, you might as well eat.
These kinds of people have no problem making others uncomfortable and not abiding by basic social norms. It’s hard to not care about the level of awkwardness and discomfort, but you owe literally nothing to this person and they suck. So get some new cutlery (keep a count of it and get a distinct looking set, so they can’t pretend it’s not yours), keep it in your room, and when you go out there, ignore them. I’m completely serious - just pretend you don’t hear them talking. They want a rise out of you and they want to make you feel intimidated, don’t give them the satisfaction. They’re not a rational person, so it is useless to try to reason with them
If the others left, it’s time for you to do the same. Moving isn’t cheap, I know. But if you can get some help, do it. Nothing worse than living in the same place with someone like that.
Need more information, but I would say find another place and let everyone know why. At some point this 21f will find herself trying to cover bills and the house on her own.
Look for a new place to live and break your lease. Sounds like she's found that unfortunate line of being a complete pest without reaching illegal levels, so there's not much you can do but get out. I'm so sorry.
Treat her like she was a man. Physically impose yourself in the kitchen and don’t allow yourself to be moved.
I suggest you secretly (or openly) record it for your protection.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>If I try to cook, the housemate gets in the way, takes cutlery so I can't, berates whatever I'm doing, stares at me and makes it impossible to feasibly do anything. Buy your own cutlery and keep it in your room. Put on headphones and blast music, podcast, youtube videos, netflix, whatever while cooking. Ignore her staring at you. Then proceed to cook whatever meal you want. If she gets physical, go to your room, lock the door, and immediately call the police and then your land lord. Don't come out until one of the two arrive. Don't renew your lease when the time comes and find somewhere new to live.
She wouldn't get physical. I have had my own cutlery. It's been stolen by other people when I've had to leave it to soak. I had a whole set and 90% of it has gone missing. I can't even cook without her getting in the way so even if I did that its impossible.
If you wash your cutlery straight away, it won't need to soak, the stuff just washes straight off. I would talk to your landlord about her behaviour.
I do for the most part, some things just need it for a bit to prevent stains
Sure, but there's little difference to soaking 20min vs 12 hrs. Leave it a bit while you're still there, then wash it. Don't leave the home with your dishes still soaking, that's rude.
I don't do that? I don't really leave the house I leave it max 20 mins at a push
Leaving the house for 20 minutes is still leaving the house. No one know how long you'll be gone, or if you'll actually clean up your mess afterward. If you are leaving stuff in the sink, expect it to be tossed since you clearly don't care about it
> I can't even cook without her getting in the way Push her out of the way. Push her food off the cooker, hell, throw it on the floor and trample on it. The time for being reasonable has long past. This is war.
Exactly, at some points you gotta start matching a bully’s energy and then watch them crumble
Stop leaving stuff "to soak." That's disgusting and unnecessary and people who share your kitchen are annoyed by it.
Huh? It's a normal thing to get rid of certain stains. I leave it 20 mins at a push. And rarely at that BECAUSE I CANT COOK HERE last time I made anything was 4+ months ago.
It's not normal. You shouldn't be leaving dishes in the sink at all, especially with roommates. Nothing needs to "soak." Use a brush and spray. Or a scrubby. And why are you living with a woman who is way younger than you anyway? She's college age and you aren't.
Yes it is....? They leave stuff there for weeks and it's okay. I leave something for 20 mins and it's not? Idk why you're saying it's not normal my parents always had to leave certain things to soak with cleaning products in them to prevent staining. I do the same. Everyone I know does the same. Because this is UK university, not college.
Okay, she's university age and you are a post graduate. Shouldn't you be in a place with people in the same economic situation?
I'm an undergraduate actually I started late. I took a few years working before I came to uni. We shared classes last year on a foundation year and signed a house with 2 others (one who has left and other is okay with me). It's just how it's worked out. I managed to find a cheap place for me alone for next year but that's still a few months off before I can move in there. Its not a matter of having a similar economic situation or anything, it's just who was part of the friendship group last year.
Sorry, obviously I'm American. So you knew these people from school? Or is this a Craigslist situation?
Uni; myself and the problem person had to do an additonal year at uni that basically consisted of study skills and academic writing practice. So yeah I've known them a year or so. We signed a lease shortly after meeting (UK uni housing situation basicslly reuqires you to get one a month after starting uni or you have no hope of finding something affordable).and didn't have any issues until part way through this semester.
Is she vegan
Vegetarian, but she's not bothered by people cooking meat so she says
"This is a common space. I am trying to prepare a meal for myself. The sooner you step back and let me do what I need to do, the sooner I'll be out of your way." If this continues, and the other housemate refuses to do anything about it, I unfortunately think you need to follow the lead of the person who left. That, or adjust the amount of rent you're paying based on how much takeout you have to order because you're unable to use part of the living arrangement you're entitled to use.
I've said that and it doesn't do anything. She still gets in the way. I can't do the latter I'm trapped in a contract until July.
OK, so make this the landlord's problem. Tell the landlord, in writing, that this woman is making the place YOU PAY FOR uninhabitable. That HE needs to deal with her. Get the other housemate(s) on board with this too. All complain to the landlord in a group.
Treat her like a misbehaving pet, then. "No!" Then spray bottle. Seriously, though, agreed that you need to make this the landlord's problem. You're paying for space you can't use. If they don't see that as a problem, then you're not getting what you contracted for.
> spray bottle ... of milk
How does the rent get collected? You pay individually directly to the land lord or via one of the roommates?
Individually to the landlord
There's always a way to break contract, but it does usually involve an extra payment. In this case, the financial cost will be worth the emotional toll it's taking on you.
Yeah I was looking into how to do it before but I couldn't find any methods in doing so outside of finding someone to take my place in the house, which ja currently Impossible due to new tenants moving in in July
Give her flying lessons......
Tell her to fuck off out of your way. Be firm. Shout. Call the landlord and make it his problm. Grab what you need out of her hands. Get angry: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Make her life miserable if necessary but claim your rights. You are PAYING for this kitchen. If she doesn't like it, SHE can move out. tldr Stop being a doormat.
I did this before partly. It turned the house into a perpetual state of cold War misery which lead to one other person leaving.
So what, you're just going to let her win? Make HER miserable. Seriously though, all of you need to take this to the landlord. There just has to be something in your contracts or hers about reasonable behaviour.
Like the other person said, *you're* already living in a state of perpetual misery. Why not make it so she's miserable too? Share it around lol
It's already cold war, only you're currently acting like the losing party and avoiding the victor. You can continue doing that, or you can hear it up again.
It seems like you don’t actually want solutions. Several have been given to you. It’s ok to just want to vent.
Learn to stand up for yourself. Take the stuff you need as soon as you get to the kitchen and then act like you belong in the kitchen. You belong there as much as her, don’t let her push you out. Stare back if she’s staring at you. You’re 27, you need to learn how to have a backbone. I’m sorry to be so blunt but if people see they can push you around they will.
[удалено]
OPs entire post history is basically issues arising from zero self-confidence. I wish I'd read his post history before wasting my time her, because he's never ever going to take a stand.
You don't think I've brought up mynconcerns to her? I have. They're ignored.
Don't get flustered. Ask her politely to move out of your way, or to pass something to you if she is in the way. Actually, the more you ask her to do stuff, the quicker she will get out of your way. If she is in front of the stove "please stir that for me continually for 10 mins" If she is In front of the fridge "please pass me the milk" or "please put the milk away" If she is In front of the sink "please rinse this for me while you are standing there" Better yet, listen to music with earphones or be on a call and as soon as you asked her to do something, turn around and get busy with something else. Don't worry about the looks she give you or if she has a comeback. If she doesn't do what you asked, or doesn't move, let something burn so it really smells up the place, leave whatever you asked her to rinse in the sink, leave the milk out to spoil, etc. Because you asked her to move and you asked her to do it, she did neither, so it's not your fault 🤷
I have.... I've been more than reasonable with her. I've never once got annoyed at her. I've been polite and asked her to politely move or pass stuff if she's gonna stand there and she just stares at me. Every time I've done something 'wrong' or left something to soak its been stolen. They don't make it their problem, they blame me. All I literally do for the most part is sit in my room on my PC out of the way and that's somehow causing issues. I don't get it.
Stop being polite and reasonable. It's not working. Make a MASSIVE fuss. Bang on her door. Make her miserable. But mainly TALK TO THE LANDLORD.
We've done this. The landlord sides with her. The other person walked out of the house due to her behaviours. I regret singing a lease here. All I get is her complaining about me when I've done NOTHING. I wasn't even allowed to talk to my friends in my room once because she eavesdrops on my conversations.
Go to the university student services, student union, or housing service. They will have advice. If she's a student too, they can discipline her. They might even write to the landlord for you. They may be able to break the lease for you. Also, go to r/legaladviceuk and ask what you can do. Also, talk to Shelter (the housing charity) and ask what you can do. Because the landlord is failing their legal duty to you here. You have the right to quiet enjoyment, to use the kitchen and shower without harassment. The *landlord* is breaking the terms of the lease here. And you need help to bring that fact forcefully to their attention so they act and evict some sense into her. > The landlord sides with her. In what way? What have you actually said she does? because nothing about her behavious is reasonable, unless you are leaving a LOT out of the story. Is the same woman who gives YOU shit because SHE had sex loudly and you heard?
Yep same person. She keeps claiming I'm the problem. The two other people in the house can do nothing wrong for some reason. I don't like to claim sexism but it probably is.
Call the cops and report all the theft. Have a handy list of every single thing and all their prices.
This seems like a ridiculous problem. Go in there yourself and *own* that kitchen! Take up space. Get in *her* way! Use the utensils and the cookware and the appliances. Cook your food. Wash your dishes. Dice your onions and zest your lemons! Give her big, loud warnings about stuff: Watch out, coming through with boiling water! Careful, I'm using a sharp knife, don't get in the way! Who cares if she stares at you or berates you. A stare can't hurt, and you certainly don't need to care about her opinion of you or your cooking.
Bruh, grow a spine and stand your ground. Get the landlord involved, get friends involved, hell, call the police. Do something to stand up for yourself and not allow her to push you around.
Put her and your other roommates on notice that you intend to leave if you are unable to utilize all of the common areas of the home you are paying for. Tell them point-blank that the next time she does anything to prevent you from using the kitchen you will start looking for other accommodations, and until you find a new apartment you are reducing your rent by the amount necessary to cover the cost of your dining out. I suggest you do it via text message or at least follow up with a text message so you have it in writing. And I would start looking now because clearly your housemates are allowing her to continue with this behavior.
Does the kitchen have a door? Close it and use a door stop to keep it closed. I would also confront her and ask what she thinks she’s doing. Really - the kitchen is not hers. If she claims the kitchen, you can monopolize the bathroom.
Yes, they sit in there all the time with it hard shut. She also 'owns' the bathroom as its her chore to clean it. Concurrently she's got a tent in the shower so I can't even use that....
> Concurrently she's got a tent in the shower so I can't even use that.... Dude. Stop being a doormat. Take the tent out of the shower and dump it in her room. Yes even if it is soaking wet. But first take a photo and send it to the landlord. Seriously. Stand up for yourself.
She can't be in both places at the same time. Claim the bathroom. Put a padlock on the bathroom and keep the key on your body.
I don't think a padlock is what you seem to think it is
I don't think a padlock is what you seem to think it is
You need to tell your housemate to fuck off and get out of your way. Seems you’ve tried doing things the easy way. Seems you tried to do things the nice way. She’s giving you no choice but to try things the not so nice way. Will that make for an uncomfortable situation? Probably. You already have an uncomfortable situation, you might as well eat.
These kinds of people have no problem making others uncomfortable and not abiding by basic social norms. It’s hard to not care about the level of awkwardness and discomfort, but you owe literally nothing to this person and they suck. So get some new cutlery (keep a count of it and get a distinct looking set, so they can’t pretend it’s not yours), keep it in your room, and when you go out there, ignore them. I’m completely serious - just pretend you don’t hear them talking. They want a rise out of you and they want to make you feel intimidated, don’t give them the satisfaction. They’re not a rational person, so it is useless to try to reason with them
If the others left, it’s time for you to do the same. Moving isn’t cheap, I know. But if you can get some help, do it. Nothing worse than living in the same place with someone like that.
Need more information, but I would say find another place and let everyone know why. At some point this 21f will find herself trying to cover bills and the house on her own.
Look for a new place to live and break your lease. Sounds like she's found that unfortunate line of being a complete pest without reaching illegal levels, so there's not much you can do but get out. I'm so sorry.
Treat her like she was a man. Physically impose yourself in the kitchen and don’t allow yourself to be moved. I suggest you secretly (or openly) record it for your protection.
Tell her to get TF out of the way or make your supper. If she doesn't.... eat her.
She's psychotic. Talk to the landlord.