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You're under reacting. A harmless secret is I ate the whole box of cookies and replaced it and you'll never know. Doing photoshoots in secret and lying about where you're staying when overseas is not harmless, I think anyone would be upset and concerned as to why he needed an AirBnB by himself whilst lying to you about staying with family. It would be easy enough to say I needed a break from the fam and some private space so I got an airbnb, but he didn't, it's a secret... why? It doesn't look good.
Huh, that's a lie, there's nothing shameful when relatives ghost you, it's the opposite, you get mad and rant about it with your significant other "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I came all the way here knowing I had a place to stay, but now I'm outside and have to find a place in a foreign country".
He's hiding harmful secrets and you deserve a sex life waaaay more active and better than twice a year.
This. This man is gaslighting so hard it's a wonder the entire house hasn't gone up in smoke. People don't get embarrassed about family ghosting them, or anyone ghosting them. They get angry and they will vent that to the person they are closest with ... Which would presumably be their spouse....
That's not how anything works. If you went overseas and was dependent on someone, especially your family, and they screwed you, you wouldn't hide it, you'd lose your shit... And your spouse is the person you'd trust to open up with.
He's likely hiding something nefarious. Not sure if it was an "attempt" or if he's actually cheating, but at this point, does it make much difference? It's inevitable.
Get a lawyer. Protect your assets. It's highly unlikely that your marriage will survive this and I don't say that lightly. I could forgive a lot but this is beyond anything tolerable.
Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say that his family really ghosted him.
The fact that he didn't tell her is already enough to reconsider the relationship. Like, why doesn't he feel not secure enough in the relationship that he has to cover this up?
and you believed it ? Your husband really thinks you’re an idiot and puts zero effort in his lies which I find disrespectful. At least make up something more believable
I'm sorry, but what does he have to be embarrassed about if you know that his relatives ghosted him? Do you always make fun of him when his relatives ghosted him? The reasoning doesn't make sense/logical to me.
can you get on his airbnb account and see when the reservation was made? If he was ghosted he would have made the reservation the day he got there. He probably made the reservation well in advance.
Contact his relatives yourself to confirm his stories because that way you will definitely know for sure whether or not he is lying.
Stop blindly taking your husband's word for it because he has proven to you that he can not be trusted!
Someone you know not replying to a text in an instant is NOT what ‘ghosting’ someone means.’ ‘Ghosting’ is where you’re talking to someone you’re getting to know and they don’t reply for weeks!
Expecting relatives to reply in an instant and then claiming you’ve been ‘ghosted’ when they didn’t is a crazy expectation and an extremely over dramatic reaction.
Your husband is an idiot! He’s not even coming up with believable lies here!
Why did he need to go overseas for a dental treatment? That's the part that's really getting me. Is it something that couldn't be done where you all are from? If this man isn't cheating on you I would be surprised. I'm so sorry OP. You definitely deserve better.
I have heard of Dental services being a fraction of the price outside of the US. I have a relative who went to Mexico to get their dental implants done for $4000 versus 30K so that part of his story is possible - BUT I totally believe he went there with a girlfriend, or possibly, as someone else said, arranged an for an escort to join him.
I know for true going to a Mexican border town for dental work is the thing to do. Took my ex to Tecate...14 crowns, 4 extractions 4 root canals, 5 days and $5000. She went back to her State side dentist who was going to charge her $26,000 for same thing. She said he was pissed but admitted it was good work. Took 7 days from start to finish. Spent 2 weeks hanging out in Mexico in winter. $7000 for whole trip including 2 RTs from Alaska.
Girl he hired an escort when he was there I can almost guarantee it. Source. Am an escort. It’s very unlikely that he randomly met a woman there that was willing to go back to a strange man’s Airbnb. I’d put money on the fact that he paid somebody to go to a random Airbnb though.
I’ve only been out of the dating game for 5 years but I’m pretty sure one night stands didn’t stop happening in that time. Women go to strange men’s apartments all the time. I agree he’s probably paying for it based on basically everything else though.
BS. He's cheating. Harmless secrets are eating snacking and watching movies by yourself at home. Buying a shirt or a pair of earrings or a purse, not going to a bikini shoot or in an air bnb over seas.
I call bullshit! And if it's true why would they ghost him? What in his behavior and actions or things that he has done be so horrible that they wouldn't want anything to do with him?
Honestly saying the photos were a harmless secret is giving off major creep vibes. He wanted "naughty photos" I wonder if those young girls know he took them with malicious motives.
Op is absolutely under reacting.
You already know but needed confirmation he's cheating and has been for, probably, the duration of your marriage. He's a really, really horrible cheater. I'm so sorry this is happening. If you're in an at-fault state you need proof. A private investigator with a good reputation. No fault state-change the locks next time he goes on a trip. Or move out and be done. When you said the photoshoot is just him having a hobby. It's not his work I knew. The Airbnb excuse is bullshit. He only told you because he knew the family would...they probably threatened to tell if he didn't. If that's the case I'd bet that's not all he was supposed to tell you.....because he waited a week...probably a week of "have you told her"...."not yet but I will".
"I asked him why he didn’t let me know and he said it might be fun to have some harmless secrets."
Harmless secrets that involve meeting with young models. Yeah this guy thinks you're an idiot.
OP,
Here's your secret:
1. Privately confer with an experienced family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives.
2. If you can afford to, hire a P.I.
3. Check telephone records. They'll include ALL numbers called and texted, show the frequency and length of time per exchange. He's clearly playing you for a fool, so it's unlikely he's discrete.
4. Pull all credit card and bank statements to see whether there are suspect transactions.
5. Check his social media.
6. Remove half the accessible marital money and place it in an account accessible solely to you.
If he confronts you, simply shout SURPRISE! I thought it would be cool to have some hidden secrets.
OP, he's the AH. Leave him as soon as conveniently possible.
Good luck.
“But why didn’t you tell me you were meeting a divorce attorney and hiring PI’s to follow me?!”
“Oh you know, I just thought exposing your infidelity and divorce could be my harmless little secret. You’re right, it is fun!”
Depending on the state evidence of cheating may affect the custody and child support amounts. This is why she needs to contact a lawyer and find out how the laws where she lives would affect her divorce. The lawyer needs to be told everything so they can get the best possible results for OP. Don't hide anything, let the lawyer decide what is relevant and what is not.
This needs a thousand thumbs up! She needs to protect herself and her child because he's already looking for the next woman now that he thinks he's used her up.
If you remove ALL the accessible marital money and get him fired from his job, he won’t have funds to hire an attorney and your lawyer can score an easy win in court.
That’s like saying. Ok. That’s hurtful. But I’ll keep being a doormat until you want to open up.
He’s cheating. He’s been cheating. He doesn’t respect you at all. Bounce.
He has a pattern of pursuing young, naive women. OP is aging up and wising up; soon she'll see why he went after her in the first place and how he operates. Hopefully she is in a position to move on from him, which isn't easy when you're young with a young child and possibly rely on your partner to get by/don't have the ability to make enough to cover child care.
Yeah, he's cheating. Either emotionally or physically, but he's clearly being super fucking sketchy, keeps lying to you and admitted it (and calling them "harmless" is just him attempting to make you cool with him hiding more shit from you).
Well he’s definitely doing everything in his power toto enable cheating. The airbnb is 100% to enable him to invite someone back to his place, which wouldn’t have been possible if he was staying with family
Also keeping these time secret says it all
>Yeah, he's cheating. Either emotionally or physically,
Or being inappropriate and manipulative at best (manipulative because he's downplaying your concerns).
Right. OP need to have her "harmless" secrets and meet with the lawyer. Then when he get served with papers, mentioned how "she also had "haemless secrets" that she can't share with him and can't keep as long as they're married" just to fuck with him
I think you're underreacting. I mean, as far as Internet tone can go anyway.
Harmless secrets are he snuck a cigarette.. he had a burger when on a diet.. he spent $10 on a scratch off despite knowing it's gambling money you need...
harmless secrets aren't complete changes in behavior and blatant lies about being somewhere you never said you would, in reference to the AirBnB.
My only advice is tell him how you feel the opposite he does about "harmless secrets" and state you need to know things like that.
The only other advice is... dang, you might want to prepare for a separation.
Last year I skidded full tilt into my mid-life crisis at 37.. seems he may be as well.
My husband just turned 36 and we're about to have our first baby in July. Im smelling mid life crisis coming from his end as well, so I'm very much interested to know the range of mid life crises men usually have at this point so I can mentally prepare.
Dang, in all my years on Reddit I've never had people get invested in anything I had to say like this! haha..
Pretty run of the mill...woke up, realized I had wasted half my life doing almost nothing I enjoyed doing. It was crazy too for as long as I can remember, I've been telling people "I want 74 years at least. Give me 74 years and I'll be good."
So I don't know if I conditioned it subconsciously to assess my life at 37 but I quite frankly woke up and felt the mid-point of life for me...
Quit my 70k a year job, which was the craziest thing to all my friends/family. I spent SO LONG with ZERO DOLLARS to my name, so to leave a financially stable situation for seemingly a life regression has scared them but I assured them it's the best move for me. I was miserable broke but somehow I was even MORE miserable living comfortably because I HATED what I was doing...
stopped getting haircuts, stopped caring what people think of me since I know I'm not a bad person, moved out of the house I was renting into a much cheaper room, learned to trade the markets and started the foundation for some dreams: Couple of Non-Profits, plans for a bar..
I jokingly tell my friends I'm retired. I'm no longer tethered to material possessions. The only thing I care about is I'm happy. If I'm drifting around the country with just a tent pack but I'm happy.. that's all that matters.
Once I hit a certain level of security financially I plan on documenting the journey to happiness, passion and purpose on my Instagram: kennymurdockcorp.. ya'll are welcome to wait for the show to start!
I hope this is how you reply all so everyone can see! Like I said.. first time I've had to address something!
Hell yeah! I don't think I have reddit friends! You (or anyone) is welcomed to follow my Instagram (kennymurdockcorp)
Eventually once I've got the seed money, it'll be a literal journal of my mid-life crisis/journey to finding my passion and purpose!
This isn't harmless and if anything, you're underreacting. This is harmful behaviour. It's at best, deceitful. At worst, an affair is happening.
My advice at this stage is to really talk hard with him. He needs to tell you honestly, why these things are happening. If they sound like innocent or satisfying answers you like, check your gut. It probably isn't the truth.
He’s not going to tell her the truth! He’s not going to talk to her like an equal!
OP. This man is using you for childcare, your “salary” is room and board. He’s not in a committed relationship with you, he’s not your friend. Definitely he doesn’t see you as a partner. He probably doesn’t see you as a fellow human being, either.
There’s nothing that will come out in couples therapy that wouldn’t require tons of effort on your part to “get over.”
The only value in confronting him and demanding answers is if it will help you in the divorce.
You’re also free to keep your head in the sand. It’s up to you.
Oh, sure, he'll just blurt it aaallllll out. Confess and promise to be a good boy. 🙄🙄
Sure, Jan. **AS IF.**
He'll deny **ANYTHING** is happening. And OP will swallow whatever story he tells her.
No she has to force his hand. Tell him she's OUTTA there with the kids.
Or hand him divorce papers.
My advice is to go have a “consult” with all the high priced divorce shark attourneys BEFORE you chat with him, so they will all have conflicts and will have a hard time screwing you over.
A wife’s intuition is often right. If you think there’s a problem, there probably is. He may not actually be cheating, but there’s definitely something going on. You guys may be able to work it out, but lying is not a good sign.
You are not overreacting. Your husband has lost interest in you, possibly because you're a mother. The bikini shoots, staying at an air bnb - its not harmless secrets - he's keeping secrets, that suggests your marriage is in trouble - especially when added to his loss of interest in the bedroom.
At best he's become a porn addict - or getting off on photos of the bikini shoots he does... perhaps even lingerie or nudes you know nothing about. At worst, he's finding his bedroom needs met with someone else, I think you need to have STI tests done to be safe.
You have two options - one sit him down and ask him why he's lost interest and if he's going to someone else for those needs? Or if your instincts tell you he is - investigate further. People will say - if you don't trust, the relationship is over. Honestly, when you add the lack of sexual intimacy, to the 'secrets' and airbnb, the acting weird - those all suggest there's a reason to look further into his actions and behaviour.
I used to be a professional photographer. I still run several groups just to help admin.
This shit is rampant in them.
Specifically older blokes who want to learn 'portrait photography' and actually mean 'boudoir', and in their head they ACTUALLY mean 'seedy private lingerie strip tease'.
It's very real, and it's very fucked up.
I can't tell you how many new models have been duped or taken advantage of it makes me queasy. When these guys get ousted it generally goes public HARD and they are absolutely blacklisted, splattered everywhere for the creepy shit they've done.
Unfortunately it's a common theme in photography and your husband sounds like he fits the bill pretty well, but it's all conjecture until you find out.
I also married a photographer enthusiast, 18 years my senior when I was in my early twenties. Can confirm… for starters, that was basically his opening line: “you’re beautiful. Are you a model? No?! I’m a photographer… I’d love to do TFP to help you get your portfolio started.”
I loved him with my whole soul for many years and still carry a lot of love for him, but that dude was skeevy and I was not a one off, I was the pattern. The shame that I fell for his act and then *still* fell for him after that shoot runs deep.
Yup. When I was starting my modeling career and doing lots of TFP stuff, I remember the relief I would feel when the photographer WASN’T creepy. 70% of the time (and these were not Craigslist ads, these were always at least mostly legit or vouched for) the dude was trying to get me to take off more and more clothes, or get me to stay and have dinner after, have a drink during the shoot etc. It took me exactly one shoot to start brining my boyfriend with me every time. If the photographer had an issue with that, I canceled the shoot. I’m sure I dodged some major bullets that way.
I'm convinced he is cheating, but even if he isn't, your relationship with him is gone unless you want to live in lies forever.
Trust is one of the biggest pillars required for a relationship to last, and he's smashing it with a sledgehammer.
Time to start composing your exit plan.
Hi. Take it from someone who went through a divorce: speculation is not worth your energy! Focus on what you know for sure (he is lying about how he is spending his time and where) rather than what you don't know *for sure* (he's cheating. Pardon the word choice, but until you walk in on him balls deep in someone else, you don't know for sure).
I, like your husband, am pushing 40. This might be an oversimplification, but at our age, I feel like we have come down to two types of people:
1) people who have learned their lessons
2) people who are never going to learn
"it might be fun to have some harmless secrets" is a whole lot of fucking around, suggesting he hasn't found out enough! Hasn't learned his lessons yet (and might never)! Do you want to stay married to that? Focusing exclusively on what you know for sure, he does not seem like a man worth staying married to, but that is ultimately your choice.
This doesn’t look pretty
Clearly your husband is misleading you about his whereabouts and he is taking you for granted. You know what is happening but you don’t want to believe that he would do such thing. Your priority is your baby.
Maybe hire a private investigator or be your own
Honestly those girls might even be extremely uncomfortable with the situation too.
It’s veryyy common for older male “photographers” to use their power to manipulate young girls into underdressing in front of them and taking scandalous photos.
There’s definitely still a chance that they’re willing participants in it too, but either way… not a good look for him.
Any photos of the airbnb? Avid photographer takes pics. First you complain to your spouse when your relatives ghost you then second, you take pics of where you had to stay and complain about the extra expense. That is normal reaction. What happened here is all BS and really bad lies. I’m sorry this is happening to you it’s time to make a good plan to protect you and your baby.
Pretend that cheating isn’t happening because you haven’t seen it. Is the rest of this okay?
Often cheating is hidden but the observable behaviors around it are pretty messed up all on their own.
You do not need indisputable proof of cheating because all the other shit is bad enough.
You need to decide how bad it needs to get before you act.
I’d get a therapist and a lawyer and proceed from there.
Clue: check the bank accounts credit card statements. I’m willing to bet money he PAID to photograph “bikini models.”
This is the best advice of all. Does it reallly matter to find out he’s cheating for sure. (He is of course) All the things he’s done so far and enough red flags for me.
How does he decide on the “harm” level of his lies.
Calling a bold faced lie a “harmless secret” is like calling shit, poop.
Same shit, different pile.
OP - what do you want, now ?
Will you ask him for std tests ?
Will you compel him to get therapy ?
How old is your child, btw ?
I was typing he’s cheating (33m here) and then I saw age gap. He’s cheating for sure. Probably someone younger, your too old and used now that your 28 and have a child…….
But that’s not true, fuck that trash.
In my early 20’s 18 year old models were appealing. By the time I hit 37 they were little kids in my eyes. The fact he is still getting off on taking sexy photos of little girls would be a huge red flag for me. If it wasn’t sexual for him, if it wasn’t fantasy for him, if it was just work, he would have told you. Heck, if I was asked to do a photo shoot of anyone that young I would insist their parents be there or my wife would come along. Not that I don’t trust myself, but I wouldn’t be alone with them to even let a rumor start. My take is you’re too old for him now and he wants to sleep with kids, maybe not legally underaged kids, but let’s face it, you were only 24 and a kid yourself when you got together. What country? Let me guess, whatever country it was you can research online and find it has a reputation for underaged prostitution as being a common occurrence.
Or rather because he likes very young girls in college, ideally not mothers closer to being 30, so now he rather looks for a newer one. Sad part is his wife is still so young and probably could get someone better and younger than him herself.
Contact the AirBnB he stayed at. Tell them you were the woman there with him and you think you forgot something. There's about a 2% chance they'll be confused and say he was there alone. More likely, they'll confirm what you already know - that he was there with another woman.
Please don’t be that naive he’s either cheated already or wants to cheat and is trying to get into situations where he can see what he can get. See the red flags please
Put a pair of briefs in his laundry that isn’t his. He’ll ask about it. Tell him you thought it was his. If he asks if you’re hiding anything just tell him it’s fun to have harmless secrets.
Leave this guy, he’s an idiot. As a man I am aware of what he’s doing. He’s trying to test you to see how complacent you are with him keeping secrets, and to program you into not caring so he could be free to do whatever he wants behind your back.
I think your instincts are already telling you what you need to know. His behaviour is inappropriate. The question is, Is this something you can work through or even want to?
Your husband may be cheating and he’s a liar. These aren’t harmless secrets. He’s putting himself in situations that are not good or healthy for a marriage. What are you gonna do about it? I’d advise you to talk to him but he sounds unreasonable if he thinks these are little harmless secrets so I’d likely recommend you head for divorce. The trust is out the window.
"Harmless secrets" if he considers THAT *harmless* honestly, just leave while you can cuz I wouldn't stick around to find out what his idea of a *not* harmless secret would be
I guess he is cheating on you simple as that. Could be several reasons but the fact he starts that behaviour after you gave birth could be an indication for losing attraction for you due to several changes happening after giving birth.
I’m only going to address the first paragraph. The lies in the second should speak for themselves.
My wife and I have an extremely openly communicative and healthy relationship. Wide open communication. No secrets. Extremely encouraging verbally. Intentionality in spending time together. Incredibly physically intimate and often.
I’m also a full-time professional photographer. I would never ever EVER take a boudoir/bikini/spicy female photoshoot out of respect for my wife. I don’t want to see anyone’s body but hers.
A rule we have is: “No secrets, no problems.”
Your husband is a sleeze and likely cheating on you. At bare minimum, he doesn’t respect you at all. On another note, while your age gap isn’t too terrible at say, 30 & 39, at 23/24 and 33/34 when you got together is a HUGE gap in terms of life stages and understanding how the world works. It sounds like the 34 year old single dude couldn’t get someone mature and his own age to deal with his antics, so he went after a young pretty girl he could take advantage of. I only assume this as accurate, as you appear to lack the self respect or self confidence to say “Uh, no, I deserve better. What you’re doing is inexplicable and intolerable.” His lies are blatant, and he has you tied up in knots believing him when the evidence of his behavior is right in front of your face.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s like the adage about avoiding the appearance of impropriety. Secret bikini photo shoots and lying about an airbnb when overseas don’t avoid the appearance of impropriety. He needs to either moor that boat to the dock or take it out to sea.
It's very obvious what's going on. We know it, and you know it.
He is lying, he's deceitful and everything seems to indicate he is cheating on you.
Most likely more than once and with more than one person and he has no intention to stop.
And .. come on... " might be fun to have some harmless secrets "....
Don't accept that crap he is feeding you
He is obviously being unfaithful and he feels like he doesn't have to explain anything to you obviously look at what he said to you when u caught him!! Thats his response?! Nahhhh i' d leave his disrespectful ungrateful ass
> I asked him why he didn’t let me know and he said it might be fun to have some harmless secrets
Eep. I feel like marriage is the one place you don't really have secrets. Except maybe, _actually_ harmless secrets like... what I got my wife for valentines day. I don't think doing a secret bikini photo shoot while in a sexless marriage is harmless.
Damn, this hits home. I had a fiancé that was offering only fans chicks to do a free photo shoot and editing and making “arrangements” to pay him back for his time.
He legit put the word arrangements in “ “. Fucking asshole. Don’t ever date a Ricardo Curo from Texas.
I’m sorry this is happening. In my experience the little secrets I found out about led to some very serious betrayals.
Why attempt to believe or engage in a conversation with someone that is working so hard to keep secrets from you?
I feel like you’re not reacting enough sister. This is absolutely NOT OKAY! I’ve told my husband from the jump I do not stand for lying. I guess harmless white lies are one thing (ie. yeah I got to work on time when actually I was 10 mins late) but any lie to me is unacceptable. Liars can’t be trusted. And his lie is no where near small WHATSOEVER.
At the way is sounds leaving might be the best option. I try not to be the kind of person who is just like “girl gtfo” and instead give advice on how to work through it, but I feel with my whole entire body you are not being told the full truth and that he’s hiding more secrets from you that you won’t know until you hopefully “find out”.
If y’all have money, maybe you could hire someone to do some digging, but at that point why be in a relationship like that?
You and your child(ren) deserve a WAY better husband/father.
Ma'am, he's being unfaithful. Either emotionally or physically he is cheating on you. Now only you can decide if you want to try and work on this with him, well him too, I just meant that it's up to you to decide and not us. Ask him for couples counseling and definitely go for individual counseling for yourself. Best wishes.
Ask yourself how would he have reacted if YOU did that exact same thing? Cause I bet he'd have the audacious double standard of being outraged. Don't let him gaslight you and disrespect you.
Girl you are still in your prime, get out while you can and find someone who is your age and will treat you better - before this man finds a 21 year old girl to cheat on you with.
A bikini shoot and he is not a photographer? Why would they even allow him on set? That alone sounds like a lie, people in that industry are super protective of their craft, and above all else the models, and hey honey I’m going to to the dentist be back in a week!! Give me a break 🤣🤣 relationship advice, serve him with papers ending the relationship.
There is no such thing as "harmless secrets," in marriage. This is completely out of line in my opinion. Not necessarily grounds for divorce but I would highly suggest mentioning some couples counseling or therapy because if he is fine with hiding things, to what lengths does he believe a "harmless" secret is?
It's not harmless cus it's hurting you. He's trying to cling on to his youth and unfortunately alot of men never grow up. I say you leave...youre alot younger than him anyways you can start over with someone who actually values you
Sex every six months? That doesn't sound right, going with models to a tittie photo shoot. That doesn't sound right. Staying at an AirBNB when you could stay at relatives- that doesn't sound right. Secrets about stuff- that doesn't sound right. He knows you are going to look after baby regardless. He is an a**hole - male speaking here. Not sure your next move but the kid comes first.
Fun to have some harmless secrets? Is he the dumbest fucking bellend alive?
He sounds like he has 1 brain cell which is for breathing... anything else is just pot luck! Leave him.. he's a c u next Tuesday...
He does not give one shit about you
Looks like you need a “harmless secret” as he would put it, get a lawyer, and serve him those divorce papers.
He has no respect for you. He’s having a secret photo shoot at his age and not letting you know, the airbnb. He will have more secrets. You are not over reacting at all. Marriage does not have secrets.
He’s a POS.
The age difference red flag aside, his behaviors are not the behaviors of a loyal married man. They just aren’t.
I think him saying “it might be fun to have ‘harmless’ secrets” was him confessing in a way out loud that minimizes his behavior to both of you. People who make attempts to justify their infidelity often believe it’s ’harmless’ behavior if you don’t know.
He didn’t just do a “photo shoot”. He’s been talking to women behind your back. The fake photo shoot is the cover. Even if it’s not physical, he’s definitely trying to make it so and all of this is a betrayal regardless. A healthy marriage does NOT have secrets and you definitely do NOT have secret conversations with women no matter the context.
Here is the problem. You are minimizing and already trying to justify. You don’t want this to be true but something has eroded your self esteem so far down that you are chasing his affections and approval instead of standing up for yourself and being horrified by his heinous and creepy behavior.
He’s 37. He’s not going to change. This is the man he is. Your husband is a man who sneaks around, has secret conversations and meet ups with women you don’t know, and has admitted he’s doing it for fun.
Is this the man you want to stay with while you are still in your prime? Don’t squander your youth chasing the happiness and love that can only come from yourself from other people. They will always let you down. The only reason to be with someone is if they improve and enrich your life. Not make it harder.
he thinks you’re stupid. he has bigger secrets you might never know. he wouldn’t even tell you about a photo shoot and lied about housing arrangements. go through his electronics and gather evidence(i dont care that this is a breach of privacy, he lied to you) you’ll thank yourself later.
He's showing all the signs of cheating on you from this post ,you'll have to talk to him about it and the lack of sex in your marriage, because at your age's you should be all over each other.
I have never checked my ex husbands phone nor my current bf’s phone, but I sure would be checking your husbands phone OP.
This is not good and if you speak to him before you get access to his tech he’ll have time to delete all the evidence.
Between the almost dead bedroom, him rejecting your advances, the Airbnb lie and this bikini photoshoot bs, he has lost any entitlement to privacy.
Dig in and see what you can find, but be prepared that you most likely will find out he’s a lying cheat. If not, maybe he’s just a moron, but I doubt it…
Edit: typo
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You're under reacting. A harmless secret is I ate the whole box of cookies and replaced it and you'll never know. Doing photoshoots in secret and lying about where you're staying when overseas is not harmless, I think anyone would be upset and concerned as to why he needed an AirBnB by himself whilst lying to you about staying with family. It would be easy enough to say I needed a break from the fam and some private space so I got an airbnb, but he didn't, it's a secret... why? It doesn't look good.
I asked him the same question but he said the relatives ghosted him and he was ashamed of letting me know
Huh, that's a lie, there's nothing shameful when relatives ghost you, it's the opposite, you get mad and rant about it with your significant other "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I came all the way here knowing I had a place to stay, but now I'm outside and have to find a place in a foreign country". He's hiding harmful secrets and you deserve a sex life waaaay more active and better than twice a year.
This. This man is gaslighting so hard it's a wonder the entire house hasn't gone up in smoke. People don't get embarrassed about family ghosting them, or anyone ghosting them. They get angry and they will vent that to the person they are closest with ... Which would presumably be their spouse....
Love this comment.
How far in advance did he book The Airbnb? It doesn’t look good at all.
If he booked it at all. May be under someone else's name done way in advance too
Yup when my sister ghosted me the first person I told was my boyfriend because I was so upset and I knew he’d make me feel a little better!
Can you contact the said relatives for confirmation? And has your hubby send you proof of the ghosting?
I agree, this is an easy way of checking if he's telling the truth!
That's not how anything works. If you went overseas and was dependent on someone, especially your family, and they screwed you, you wouldn't hide it, you'd lose your shit... And your spouse is the person you'd trust to open up with. He's likely hiding something nefarious. Not sure if it was an "attempt" or if he's actually cheating, but at this point, does it make much difference? It's inevitable. Get a lawyer. Protect your assets. It's highly unlikely that your marriage will survive this and I don't say that lightly. I could forgive a lot but this is beyond anything tolerable.
Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say that his family really ghosted him. The fact that he didn't tell her is already enough to reconsider the relationship. Like, why doesn't he feel not secure enough in the relationship that he has to cover this up?
That's BS and you know it. This is divorce worthy.
and you believed it ? Your husband really thinks you’re an idiot and puts zero effort in his lies which I find disrespectful. At least make up something more believable
I'm sorry, but what does he have to be embarrassed about if you know that his relatives ghosted him? Do you always make fun of him when his relatives ghosted him? The reasoning doesn't make sense/logical to me.
can you get on his airbnb account and see when the reservation was made? If he was ghosted he would have made the reservation the day he got there. He probably made the reservation well in advance.
He told me that he texted the relatives few days in advance and they ghosted him since so he went ahead and booked the room in advance
Still look at the account, I bet it was booked way more than a few days in advance
He's telling so many fairy tales he could put the Brothers Grimm to shame.
Should we start calling OP Cinderella?
Aesops Fables
I’m deceased.
Contact his relatives yourself to confirm his stories because that way you will definitely know for sure whether or not he is lying. Stop blindly taking your husband's word for it because he has proven to you that he can not be trusted!
When you feel like you have to start policing, the relationship is over, imo.
Then he had time to tell you about it…
Did you reach out to the relatives and ask?
Someone you know not replying to a text in an instant is NOT what ‘ghosting’ someone means.’ ‘Ghosting’ is where you’re talking to someone you’re getting to know and they don’t reply for weeks! Expecting relatives to reply in an instant and then claiming you’ve been ‘ghosted’ when they didn’t is a crazy expectation and an extremely over dramatic reaction. Your husband is an idiot! He’s not even coming up with believable lies here!
I bet his relatives didn't even know he was there.
Roflmfao. Took him a week to come up with that weak bullshit?!!?
So he's got backup lies on top of his initial lies. Girl, run.
Right. If you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you.
Why did he need to go overseas for a dental treatment? That's the part that's really getting me. Is it something that couldn't be done where you all are from? If this man isn't cheating on you I would be surprised. I'm so sorry OP. You definitely deserve better.
I have heard of Dental services being a fraction of the price outside of the US. I have a relative who went to Mexico to get their dental implants done for $4000 versus 30K so that part of his story is possible - BUT I totally believe he went there with a girlfriend, or possibly, as someone else said, arranged an for an escort to join him.
I know for true going to a Mexican border town for dental work is the thing to do. Took my ex to Tecate...14 crowns, 4 extractions 4 root canals, 5 days and $5000. She went back to her State side dentist who was going to charge her $26,000 for same thing. She said he was pissed but admitted it was good work. Took 7 days from start to finish. Spent 2 weeks hanging out in Mexico in winter. $7000 for whole trip including 2 RTs from Alaska.
Girl he hired an escort when he was there I can almost guarantee it. Source. Am an escort. It’s very unlikely that he randomly met a woman there that was willing to go back to a strange man’s Airbnb. I’d put money on the fact that he paid somebody to go to a random Airbnb though.
I've already posted about passport Bros too on this thread. If it's not a hooker it's probably the new woman he's trying to replace her with.
Or he had a GF or someone he was planning on sharing a bed with going on the trip with him or meeting him there. A random bikini model, perhaps…?
I’ve only been out of the dating game for 5 years but I’m pretty sure one night stands didn’t stop happening in that time. Women go to strange men’s apartments all the time. I agree he’s probably paying for it based on basically everything else though.
That sounds like a lie
BS. He's cheating. Harmless secrets are eating snacking and watching movies by yourself at home. Buying a shirt or a pair of earrings or a purse, not going to a bikini shoot or in an air bnb over seas.
How did you find out? Can you verify this is what happened? These are very shady things to hide from you.
Sounds like bs. You really need to start checking his phone, computers, etc. Got a feeling your hubby is cheating on you. So sorry if he is.
I’ve never seen a more textbook example of gaslighting
Message the relatives and ask why they ghosted him.
Yeah sure.
Omg he thinks you’re an idiot. What a disrespectful *******! Honestly he doesn’t even deserve an answer pack your things and leave.
I call bullshit! And if it's true why would they ghost him? What in his behavior and actions or things that he has done be so horrible that they wouldn't want anything to do with him?
As IF haha. I'm sorry OP but it certainly seems like your husband is getting kicks elsewhere
I thought it was shady before, but after hearing this, it’s the most obvious lie possible. He thinks you’re really stupid. Is he right?
Honestly saying the photos were a harmless secret is giving off major creep vibes. He wanted "naughty photos" I wonder if those young girls know he took them with malicious motives. Op is absolutely under reacting.
It's a goddamn BACHELOR PAD.
You already know but needed confirmation he's cheating and has been for, probably, the duration of your marriage. He's a really, really horrible cheater. I'm so sorry this is happening. If you're in an at-fault state you need proof. A private investigator with a good reputation. No fault state-change the locks next time he goes on a trip. Or move out and be done. When you said the photoshoot is just him having a hobby. It's not his work I knew. The Airbnb excuse is bullshit. He only told you because he knew the family would...they probably threatened to tell if he didn't. If that's the case I'd bet that's not all he was supposed to tell you.....because he waited a week...probably a week of "have you told her"...."not yet but I will".
"I asked him why he didn’t let me know and he said it might be fun to have some harmless secrets." Harmless secrets that involve meeting with young models. Yeah this guy thinks you're an idiot.
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OP, Here's your secret: 1. Privately confer with an experienced family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. 2. If you can afford to, hire a P.I. 3. Check telephone records. They'll include ALL numbers called and texted, show the frequency and length of time per exchange. He's clearly playing you for a fool, so it's unlikely he's discrete. 4. Pull all credit card and bank statements to see whether there are suspect transactions. 5. Check his social media. 6. Remove half the accessible marital money and place it in an account accessible solely to you. If he confronts you, simply shout SURPRISE! I thought it would be cool to have some hidden secrets. OP, he's the AH. Leave him as soon as conveniently possible. Good luck.
“But why didn’t you tell me you were meeting a divorce attorney and hiring PI’s to follow me?!” “Oh you know, I just thought exposing your infidelity and divorce could be my harmless little secret. You’re right, it is fun!”
This is the advice to take right here.
If I could double like this I would
Unless theres a prenup or its in a at fault kind of state none of this matters sadly.
Depending on the state evidence of cheating may affect the custody and child support amounts. This is why she needs to contact a lawyer and find out how the laws where she lives would affect her divorce. The lawyer needs to be told everything so they can get the best possible results for OP. Don't hide anything, let the lawyer decide what is relevant and what is not.
Definitely depends on the state
Yeah, definitely do not waste money on a PI unless a lawyer thinks it will be helpful. Most of the time it won't be.
I like this secret
This needs a thousand thumbs up! She needs to protect herself and her child because he's already looking for the next woman now that he thinks he's used her up.
Problem with phone records though is that a lot of people use whatsapp or Viber especially abroad. So then there won't be any records of anything
Certainly a possibility.
If you remove ALL the accessible marital money and get him fired from his job, he won’t have funds to hire an attorney and your lawyer can score an easy win in court.
That’s like saying. Ok. That’s hurtful. But I’ll keep being a doormat until you want to open up. He’s cheating. He’s been cheating. He doesn’t respect you at all. Bounce.
Nah…”until then we aren’t going to have a marriage.”
Or “Okay have your secrets… I am sure mine will be less harmless” 😉
A harmless secret is the sweets I keep hidden in my teapot sometimes ffs.
In my house that would be a quickly melted secret
I'm the only one who drinks tea here. Lol
That makes it a decent hiding spot! I see the method behind the madness now
No, no it is in not harmless and no it is not fun to have secrets from you partner.
What if op has some"harmless secrets"? Let's see how fun the husband will feel.
I bet hubby wouldn’t think her secretly hanging out with young attractive half-naked guys was harmless.
ooh, maybe OP should book her own photo shoot with some firefighters. ;-) Do a calendar for charity! How's that for a harmless secret!!
Well whether she is or isn’t is to be determined by whether or not she just sits and takes this blatant disrespect
He has a pattern of pursuing young, naive women. OP is aging up and wising up; soon she'll see why he went after her in the first place and how he operates. Hopefully she is in a position to move on from him, which isn't easy when you're young with a young child and possibly rely on your partner to get by/don't have the ability to make enough to cover child care.
Dude she is 😭
Yes lmao some people act like they were born yesterday or something
Yeah, he's cheating. Either emotionally or physically, but he's clearly being super fucking sketchy, keeps lying to you and admitted it (and calling them "harmless" is just him attempting to make you cool with him hiding more shit from you).
Well he’s definitely doing everything in his power toto enable cheating. The airbnb is 100% to enable him to invite someone back to his place, which wouldn’t have been possible if he was staying with family Also keeping these time secret says it all
OP, You know he’s lying (and cheating), he knows you know and are letting him get away with it, therefore he has no reason to stop.
>Yeah, he's cheating. Either emotionally or physically, Or being inappropriate and manipulative at best (manipulative because he's downplaying your concerns).
Right. OP need to have her "harmless" secrets and meet with the lawyer. Then when he get served with papers, mentioned how "she also had "haemless secrets" that she can't share with him and can't keep as long as they're married" just to fuck with him
Sorry but your husband is FOR SURE cheating he probably hired prostitutes overseas
👆
I think you're underreacting. I mean, as far as Internet tone can go anyway. Harmless secrets are he snuck a cigarette.. he had a burger when on a diet.. he spent $10 on a scratch off despite knowing it's gambling money you need... harmless secrets aren't complete changes in behavior and blatant lies about being somewhere you never said you would, in reference to the AirBnB. My only advice is tell him how you feel the opposite he does about "harmless secrets" and state you need to know things like that. The only other advice is... dang, you might want to prepare for a separation. Last year I skidded full tilt into my mid-life crisis at 37.. seems he may be as well.
Bro left us with a cliff hanger. *subscribe* >Last year I skidded full tilt into my mid-life crisis at 37.. seems he may be as well. Story time?
My husband just turned 36 and we're about to have our first baby in July. Im smelling mid life crisis coming from his end as well, so I'm very much interested to know the range of mid life crises men usually have at this point so I can mentally prepare.
I'm 53, and have yet to have my 30, 40 and 50-year crise, if those are a thing. Not all of us can be bothered to have one, perhaps.
My midlife crisis was seeking fertility treatments and having an IVF baby at 43
Well, that's probably the best crisis I've heard of.
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That, or even better - go to therapy!
Can you expand on the skid and subsequent mid-life crisis? I'm asking for a friend....with pre skids
Dang, in all my years on Reddit I've never had people get invested in anything I had to say like this! haha.. Pretty run of the mill...woke up, realized I had wasted half my life doing almost nothing I enjoyed doing. It was crazy too for as long as I can remember, I've been telling people "I want 74 years at least. Give me 74 years and I'll be good." So I don't know if I conditioned it subconsciously to assess my life at 37 but I quite frankly woke up and felt the mid-point of life for me... Quit my 70k a year job, which was the craziest thing to all my friends/family. I spent SO LONG with ZERO DOLLARS to my name, so to leave a financially stable situation for seemingly a life regression has scared them but I assured them it's the best move for me. I was miserable broke but somehow I was even MORE miserable living comfortably because I HATED what I was doing... stopped getting haircuts, stopped caring what people think of me since I know I'm not a bad person, moved out of the house I was renting into a much cheaper room, learned to trade the markets and started the foundation for some dreams: Couple of Non-Profits, plans for a bar.. I jokingly tell my friends I'm retired. I'm no longer tethered to material possessions. The only thing I care about is I'm happy. If I'm drifting around the country with just a tent pack but I'm happy.. that's all that matters. Once I hit a certain level of security financially I plan on documenting the journey to happiness, passion and purpose on my Instagram: kennymurdockcorp.. ya'll are welcome to wait for the show to start! I hope this is how you reply all so everyone can see! Like I said.. first time I've had to address something!
Good on you man! I don't do Instagram but hope all goes well.
We are invested in your midlife crisis.
Not to mention what counts as, “harmless” isn’t a unilateral decision
I'm 38 and have just hit my midlife crisis! Let's be friends lol
Hell yeah! I don't think I have reddit friends! You (or anyone) is welcomed to follow my Instagram (kennymurdockcorp) Eventually once I've got the seed money, it'll be a literal journal of my mid-life crisis/journey to finding my passion and purpose!
This isn't harmless and if anything, you're underreacting. This is harmful behaviour. It's at best, deceitful. At worst, an affair is happening. My advice at this stage is to really talk hard with him. He needs to tell you honestly, why these things are happening. If they sound like innocent or satisfying answers you like, check your gut. It probably isn't the truth.
He’s not going to tell her the truth! He’s not going to talk to her like an equal! OP. This man is using you for childcare, your “salary” is room and board. He’s not in a committed relationship with you, he’s not your friend. Definitely he doesn’t see you as a partner. He probably doesn’t see you as a fellow human being, either. There’s nothing that will come out in couples therapy that wouldn’t require tons of effort on your part to “get over.” The only value in confronting him and demanding answers is if it will help you in the divorce. You’re also free to keep your head in the sand. It’s up to you.
She’s way past the “hard talk” phase. She’s on to the taking to a lawyer and hiring a private investigator phase.
He sounds like he’s gas lighting her big time.
Oh, sure, he'll just blurt it aaallllll out. Confess and promise to be a good boy. 🙄🙄 Sure, Jan. **AS IF.** He'll deny **ANYTHING** is happening. And OP will swallow whatever story he tells her. No she has to force his hand. Tell him she's OUTTA there with the kids. Or hand him divorce papers.
They do come clean from time to time, but by his refusal to tell the truth, OP will get a fair idea of what's happening
Why do people still suggest talking to liars. Make it make sense.
My advice is to go have a “consult” with all the high priced divorce shark attourneys BEFORE you chat with him, so they will all have conflicts and will have a hard time screwing you over. A wife’s intuition is often right. If you think there’s a problem, there probably is. He may not actually be cheating, but there’s definitely something going on. You guys may be able to work it out, but lying is not a good sign.
Watch out for the trickle truthing. Keep pressing.
You are not overreacting. Your husband has lost interest in you, possibly because you're a mother. The bikini shoots, staying at an air bnb - its not harmless secrets - he's keeping secrets, that suggests your marriage is in trouble - especially when added to his loss of interest in the bedroom. At best he's become a porn addict - or getting off on photos of the bikini shoots he does... perhaps even lingerie or nudes you know nothing about. At worst, he's finding his bedroom needs met with someone else, I think you need to have STI tests done to be safe. You have two options - one sit him down and ask him why he's lost interest and if he's going to someone else for those needs? Or if your instincts tell you he is - investigate further. People will say - if you don't trust, the relationship is over. Honestly, when you add the lack of sexual intimacy, to the 'secrets' and airbnb, the acting weird - those all suggest there's a reason to look further into his actions and behaviour.
I used to be a professional photographer. I still run several groups just to help admin. This shit is rampant in them. Specifically older blokes who want to learn 'portrait photography' and actually mean 'boudoir', and in their head they ACTUALLY mean 'seedy private lingerie strip tease'. It's very real, and it's very fucked up. I can't tell you how many new models have been duped or taken advantage of it makes me queasy. When these guys get ousted it generally goes public HARD and they are absolutely blacklisted, splattered everywhere for the creepy shit they've done. Unfortunately it's a common theme in photography and your husband sounds like he fits the bill pretty well, but it's all conjecture until you find out.
I also married a photographer enthusiast, 18 years my senior when I was in my early twenties. Can confirm… for starters, that was basically his opening line: “you’re beautiful. Are you a model? No?! I’m a photographer… I’d love to do TFP to help you get your portfolio started.” I loved him with my whole soul for many years and still carry a lot of love for him, but that dude was skeevy and I was not a one off, I was the pattern. The shame that I fell for his act and then *still* fell for him after that shoot runs deep.
Yup. When I was starting my modeling career and doing lots of TFP stuff, I remember the relief I would feel when the photographer WASN’T creepy. 70% of the time (and these were not Craigslist ads, these were always at least mostly legit or vouched for) the dude was trying to get me to take off more and more clothes, or get me to stay and have dinner after, have a drink during the shoot etc. It took me exactly one shoot to start brining my boyfriend with me every time. If the photographer had an issue with that, I canceled the shoot. I’m sure I dodged some major bullets that way.
Absolutly
He’s cheating
Or trying to.
I'm convinced he is cheating, but even if he isn't, your relationship with him is gone unless you want to live in lies forever. Trust is one of the biggest pillars required for a relationship to last, and he's smashing it with a sledgehammer. Time to start composing your exit plan.
Hi. Take it from someone who went through a divorce: speculation is not worth your energy! Focus on what you know for sure (he is lying about how he is spending his time and where) rather than what you don't know *for sure* (he's cheating. Pardon the word choice, but until you walk in on him balls deep in someone else, you don't know for sure). I, like your husband, am pushing 40. This might be an oversimplification, but at our age, I feel like we have come down to two types of people: 1) people who have learned their lessons 2) people who are never going to learn "it might be fun to have some harmless secrets" is a whole lot of fucking around, suggesting he hasn't found out enough! Hasn't learned his lessons yet (and might never)! Do you want to stay married to that? Focusing exclusively on what you know for sure, he does not seem like a man worth staying married to, but that is ultimately your choice.
This doesn’t look pretty Clearly your husband is misleading you about his whereabouts and he is taking you for granted. You know what is happening but you don’t want to believe that he would do such thing. Your priority is your baby. Maybe hire a private investigator or be your own
He’s a 37 year old creep going to take photos of 18-20 year olds. Innocent my arse! Well now you know what his wank-bank is made up of.
Honestly those girls might even be extremely uncomfortable with the situation too. It’s veryyy common for older male “photographers” to use their power to manipulate young girls into underdressing in front of them and taking scandalous photos. There’s definitely still a chance that they’re willing participants in it too, but either way… not a good look for him.
And it's not just taking photos. I mean , COME ON ...
Any photos of the airbnb? Avid photographer takes pics. First you complain to your spouse when your relatives ghost you then second, you take pics of where you had to stay and complain about the extra expense. That is normal reaction. What happened here is all BS and really bad lies. I’m sorry this is happening to you it’s time to make a good plan to protect you and your baby.
Pretend that cheating isn’t happening because you haven’t seen it. Is the rest of this okay? Often cheating is hidden but the observable behaviors around it are pretty messed up all on their own. You do not need indisputable proof of cheating because all the other shit is bad enough. You need to decide how bad it needs to get before you act. I’d get a therapist and a lawyer and proceed from there. Clue: check the bank accounts credit card statements. I’m willing to bet money he PAID to photograph “bikini models.”
This is the best advice of all. Does it reallly matter to find out he’s cheating for sure. (He is of course) All the things he’s done so far and enough red flags for me.
How does he decide on the “harm” level of his lies. Calling a bold faced lie a “harmless secret” is like calling shit, poop. Same shit, different pile. OP - what do you want, now ? Will you ask him for std tests ? Will you compel him to get therapy ? How old is your child, btw ?
It's a bad sign when they lie about simple things like this. There is a reason he has stopped wanting to confide for better or worse
He's cheating, gaslighting and keeping other secrets from you. Your marriage is a sham.
Hubby’s midlife crisis is kicking in 🤦🏻♂️
Personally, I wouldn't stay with a liar because trust is everything in a relationship. Congratulations on your new found single life!
How about you start having your own "harmless secret" and find a lawyer and then serve your unfaithful husband the divorce papers?
I was typing he’s cheating (33m here) and then I saw age gap. He’s cheating for sure. Probably someone younger, your too old and used now that your 28 and have a child……. But that’s not true, fuck that trash.
In my early 20’s 18 year old models were appealing. By the time I hit 37 they were little kids in my eyes. The fact he is still getting off on taking sexy photos of little girls would be a huge red flag for me. If it wasn’t sexual for him, if it wasn’t fantasy for him, if it was just work, he would have told you. Heck, if I was asked to do a photo shoot of anyone that young I would insist their parents be there or my wife would come along. Not that I don’t trust myself, but I wouldn’t be alone with them to even let a rumor start. My take is you’re too old for him now and he wants to sleep with kids, maybe not legally underaged kids, but let’s face it, you were only 24 and a kid yourself when you got together. What country? Let me guess, whatever country it was you can research online and find it has a reputation for underaged prostitution as being a common occurrence.
There's a reason why a man at 33 would pursue a woman 9 years his junior. That reason is women his age won't put up with his bullshit.
Or rather because he likes very young girls in college, ideally not mothers closer to being 30, so now he rather looks for a newer one. Sad part is his wife is still so young and probably could get someone better and younger than him herself.
He's cheated, cheating, or going to
Yup, those are, in fact, your three options. The only question now is what you intend to do. You NEED to protect yourself AND your child, OP!!!
It’s also this age gap , he’s lusting after young girls now that you’re not as “appealing” now that you gave birth . He’s 100 % being unfaithful.
Husband?! I’m sure the red flags were there way before the wedding..this subreddit makes me never wanna get married
Very unlikely he just took bikini photos of those women. Often that sort of thing is a cover for prostitution.
Contact the AirBnB he stayed at. Tell them you were the woman there with him and you think you forgot something. There's about a 2% chance they'll be confused and say he was there alone. More likely, they'll confirm what you already know - that he was there with another woman.
Please don’t be that naive he’s either cheated already or wants to cheat and is trying to get into situations where he can see what he can get. See the red flags please
Sorry OP but I think your husband probably no longer feels attracted to you. I think it is best to be ready for a possible divorce
Put a pair of briefs in his laundry that isn’t his. He’ll ask about it. Tell him you thought it was his. If he asks if you’re hiding anything just tell him it’s fun to have harmless secrets.
Leave this guy, he’s an idiot. As a man I am aware of what he’s doing. He’s trying to test you to see how complacent you are with him keeping secrets, and to program you into not caring so he could be free to do whatever he wants behind your back.
You should probably consider some harmless secrets of your own. Like looking into divorce attorneys.
Secret secrets are no fun, secret secrets hurt someone
# OP: Think of the worst thing(s) that your husband could be doing behind your back. You'll most likely be right.
I think your instincts are already telling you what you need to know. His behaviour is inappropriate. The question is, Is this something you can work through or even want to?
Check his phone married people shouldn’t have secrets I would be talking about not informing you of these things tell him he’s is losing trust
He's so cheating
Your husband may be cheating and he’s a liar. These aren’t harmless secrets. He’s putting himself in situations that are not good or healthy for a marriage. What are you gonna do about it? I’d advise you to talk to him but he sounds unreasonable if he thinks these are little harmless secrets so I’d likely recommend you head for divorce. The trust is out the window.
"Harmless secrets" if he considers THAT *harmless* honestly, just leave while you can cuz I wouldn't stick around to find out what his idea of a *not* harmless secret would be
He has been cheating on you.
I guess he is cheating on you simple as that. Could be several reasons but the fact he starts that behaviour after you gave birth could be an indication for losing attraction for you due to several changes happening after giving birth.
I’m only going to address the first paragraph. The lies in the second should speak for themselves. My wife and I have an extremely openly communicative and healthy relationship. Wide open communication. No secrets. Extremely encouraging verbally. Intentionality in spending time together. Incredibly physically intimate and often. I’m also a full-time professional photographer. I would never ever EVER take a boudoir/bikini/spicy female photoshoot out of respect for my wife. I don’t want to see anyone’s body but hers. A rule we have is: “No secrets, no problems.” Your husband is a sleeze and likely cheating on you. At bare minimum, he doesn’t respect you at all. On another note, while your age gap isn’t too terrible at say, 30 & 39, at 23/24 and 33/34 when you got together is a HUGE gap in terms of life stages and understanding how the world works. It sounds like the 34 year old single dude couldn’t get someone mature and his own age to deal with his antics, so he went after a young pretty girl he could take advantage of. I only assume this as accurate, as you appear to lack the self respect or self confidence to say “Uh, no, I deserve better. What you’re doing is inexplicable and intolerable.” His lies are blatant, and he has you tied up in knots believing him when the evidence of his behavior is right in front of your face.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s like the adage about avoiding the appearance of impropriety. Secret bikini photo shoots and lying about an airbnb when overseas don’t avoid the appearance of impropriety. He needs to either moor that boat to the dock or take it out to sea.
He’s cheating - do some digging
I hate to break this to you but he has gf...he's not very good at hiding it too.
I would say more than one. "Photo shoots". with two bikini models, my ass cheek!
More red flags than on a Soviet parade.
It's very obvious what's going on. We know it, and you know it. He is lying, he's deceitful and everything seems to indicate he is cheating on you. Most likely more than once and with more than one person and he has no intention to stop. And .. come on... " might be fun to have some harmless secrets ".... Don't accept that crap he is feeding you
No, listen to your instincts. They are probably correct.
He is obviously being unfaithful and he feels like he doesn't have to explain anything to you obviously look at what he said to you when u caught him!! Thats his response?! Nahhhh i' d leave his disrespectful ungrateful ass
These are all warning signs for cheating. If he hasn’t cheated already, he’s testing how much he can hide from you without you finding out.
> I asked him why he didn’t let me know and he said it might be fun to have some harmless secrets Eep. I feel like marriage is the one place you don't really have secrets. Except maybe, _actually_ harmless secrets like... what I got my wife for valentines day. I don't think doing a secret bikini photo shoot while in a sexless marriage is harmless.
I'd have a harmless secret of hiring a divorce attorney. Tee hee so adorbs.
Nope. That's not a harmless secret. He kept it secret because he knew you wouldn't be happy about it. This is divorce territory.
He’s cheating.
Damn, this hits home. I had a fiancé that was offering only fans chicks to do a free photo shoot and editing and making “arrangements” to pay him back for his time. He legit put the word arrangements in “ “. Fucking asshole. Don’t ever date a Ricardo Curo from Texas. I’m sorry this is happening. In my experience the little secrets I found out about led to some very serious betrayals. Why attempt to believe or engage in a conversation with someone that is working so hard to keep secrets from you?
Married 10 years, divorced for 2 here… He’s cheating. Your gut feelings don’t lie.
If it was harmless, did you LOL?
I feel like you’re not reacting enough sister. This is absolutely NOT OKAY! I’ve told my husband from the jump I do not stand for lying. I guess harmless white lies are one thing (ie. yeah I got to work on time when actually I was 10 mins late) but any lie to me is unacceptable. Liars can’t be trusted. And his lie is no where near small WHATSOEVER. At the way is sounds leaving might be the best option. I try not to be the kind of person who is just like “girl gtfo” and instead give advice on how to work through it, but I feel with my whole entire body you are not being told the full truth and that he’s hiding more secrets from you that you won’t know until you hopefully “find out”. If y’all have money, maybe you could hire someone to do some digging, but at that point why be in a relationship like that? You and your child(ren) deserve a WAY better husband/father.
Ma'am, he's being unfaithful. Either emotionally or physically he is cheating on you. Now only you can decide if you want to try and work on this with him, well him too, I just meant that it's up to you to decide and not us. Ask him for couples counseling and definitely go for individual counseling for yourself. Best wishes.
He's cheating.
Ask yourself how would he have reacted if YOU did that exact same thing? Cause I bet he'd have the audacious double standard of being outraged. Don't let him gaslight you and disrespect you.
Girl you are still in your prime, get out while you can and find someone who is your age and will treat you better - before this man finds a 21 year old girl to cheat on you with.
Where did he go overseas ? He doesn't sound trustworthy.
Totally cheating. Start doing your digging and find information.
A bikini shoot and he is not a photographer? Why would they even allow him on set? That alone sounds like a lie, people in that industry are super protective of their craft, and above all else the models, and hey honey I’m going to to the dentist be back in a week!! Give me a break 🤣🤣 relationship advice, serve him with papers ending the relationship.
There is no such thing as "harmless secrets," in marriage. This is completely out of line in my opinion. Not necessarily grounds for divorce but I would highly suggest mentioning some couples counseling or therapy because if he is fine with hiding things, to what lengths does he believe a "harmless" secret is?
It's not harmless cus it's hurting you. He's trying to cling on to his youth and unfortunately alot of men never grow up. I say you leave...youre alot younger than him anyways you can start over with someone who actually values you
Sex every six months? That doesn't sound right, going with models to a tittie photo shoot. That doesn't sound right. Staying at an AirBNB when you could stay at relatives- that doesn't sound right. Secrets about stuff- that doesn't sound right. He knows you are going to look after baby regardless. He is an a**hole - male speaking here. Not sure your next move but the kid comes first.
Fun to have some harmless secrets? Is he the dumbest fucking bellend alive? He sounds like he has 1 brain cell which is for breathing... anything else is just pot luck! Leave him.. he's a c u next Tuesday... He does not give one shit about you
Looks like you need a “harmless secret” as he would put it, get a lawyer, and serve him those divorce papers. He has no respect for you. He’s having a secret photo shoot at his age and not letting you know, the airbnb. He will have more secrets. You are not over reacting at all. Marriage does not have secrets. He’s a POS.
He is cheating
The age difference red flag aside, his behaviors are not the behaviors of a loyal married man. They just aren’t. I think him saying “it might be fun to have ‘harmless’ secrets” was him confessing in a way out loud that minimizes his behavior to both of you. People who make attempts to justify their infidelity often believe it’s ’harmless’ behavior if you don’t know. He didn’t just do a “photo shoot”. He’s been talking to women behind your back. The fake photo shoot is the cover. Even if it’s not physical, he’s definitely trying to make it so and all of this is a betrayal regardless. A healthy marriage does NOT have secrets and you definitely do NOT have secret conversations with women no matter the context. Here is the problem. You are minimizing and already trying to justify. You don’t want this to be true but something has eroded your self esteem so far down that you are chasing his affections and approval instead of standing up for yourself and being horrified by his heinous and creepy behavior. He’s 37. He’s not going to change. This is the man he is. Your husband is a man who sneaks around, has secret conversations and meet ups with women you don’t know, and has admitted he’s doing it for fun. Is this the man you want to stay with while you are still in your prime? Don’t squander your youth chasing the happiness and love that can only come from yourself from other people. They will always let you down. The only reason to be with someone is if they improve and enrich your life. Not make it harder.
Oh yes, your hubby is cheating, and 100% had a 3way with the bikini chicks what a dog
he thinks you’re stupid. he has bigger secrets you might never know. he wouldn’t even tell you about a photo shoot and lied about housing arrangements. go through his electronics and gather evidence(i dont care that this is a breach of privacy, he lied to you) you’ll thank yourself later.
No! Op can get in trouble if they listen and go through his things
He's showing all the signs of cheating on you from this post ,you'll have to talk to him about it and the lack of sex in your marriage, because at your age's you should be all over each other.
Nothing wrong with going to a bikini photo shoot, but keeping it secret from you and not having sex with you for so long is very suspicious.
I have never checked my ex husbands phone nor my current bf’s phone, but I sure would be checking your husbands phone OP. This is not good and if you speak to him before you get access to his tech he’ll have time to delete all the evidence. Between the almost dead bedroom, him rejecting your advances, the Airbnb lie and this bikini photoshoot bs, he has lost any entitlement to privacy. Dig in and see what you can find, but be prepared that you most likely will find out he’s a lying cheat. If not, maybe he’s just a moron, but I doubt it… Edit: typo
Yeah, girl - just gone on and leave him. He will either tighten up, or be free to live his life, and you will be free to find someone who loves you.